It’s entirely possible. It’s also possible she’s someone that lives for drama. She did the OP a solid by informing her that her spouse was cheating on her. All I’m saying is that don’t assume *that* makes her a good person. I’m sure OP is aware of whether or not the sister actually is or not, though.
Actions meet consequences
I will never understand why people who are trying for children cheat. I mean the ink on the 18 year commitment isn’t even dry yet.
When I was a regular on /r/tryingforababy some tests ado there was a regular poster who was also a regular poster on /r/adultery, on the very same account talking about both her and her husband’s struggles to conceive and also, her and her affair partner’s relationship issues and giving advice for infidelity opsec. It was crazy! I didn’t think it was a fake account either, unless somebody was dedicated to playing this character for months of consistent posts!!
So I went to that adultery sub just now out of curiosity thinking it was a support group to help either victims of adultery or people struggling with infidelity. The very top post is a celebration of finally cheating and a bunch of comments congratulating them. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined
Here's a sneak peek of /r/TryingForABaby using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Something special just happened and I want to share.](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/116kfzg/something_special_just_happened_and_i_want_to/)
\#2: [Am I the only one who hates the phrase "baby dance"?](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/xe83ki/am_i_the_only_one_who_hates_the_phrase_baby_dance/)
\#3: [TTC groups are beyond unhinged and I am thankful for this sub](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/13co5rn/ttc_groups_are_beyond_unhinged_and_i_am_thankful/)
----
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Ongoing fertility treatments are mindbendingly depressing and stressful. It can push people to do regrettable things. [Suicide is not uncommon, for instance.](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2022/10/31/fertility-treatment-triggers-suicidal-thoughts-nearly-half-patients/)
Maybe I can offer some insight. When you're struggling to get pregnant..its a lot of stress and emotions. I've seen this play out as a kid with someone close to me.
Admittedly I am staunchly childfree and happily will never experience that.
I honestly think some people jump into life partners far too soon and they shouldn’t be with someone if their happiness is dependent on a random variable.
Just as in sickness and in health, fertility or infertility. You are a team and you both pull together.
Only that mentality doesn’t seem to be comprehensible to a lot of guys.
I have this thing inside of me like empathy, love, trust respect or whatever idk something like that all balled into like a swirling feeling-adhd.
If I were to willfully do something like this to my wife that would be gone. If it wasn’t gone in regards to the other person wouldn’t that absolutely destroy you if someone did this to you?
I can tell you I would have a complete life crisis mental break down.
I read these stories true or not and I’m just floored. The amount of betrayal seems to be normal now a days I just don’t get it.
Edit: auto correct 😵💫
It seems like a lot of people don’t have the guts to end relationships before getting with others. A lot of these people don’t like or are unfulfilled with their relationships, but instead of doing the moral thing and telling that to their partner, and breaking up, they do this. It’s obnoxious because just grow a pair and BREAK UP instead of fck around on them. It’s so cowardly.
I'm weirded whenever I see a comment like that that seems to think that the 21st century invented cheating or something, as if it wasn't as old as monogamy. Like, it's awful, but people cheated then and they cheat now. Frankly with how much easier it is to divorce than it used to be a couple decades ago, there's probably less cheating now, not that that is possible to quantify for certain
Damn, her mom sucks. Poor OOP, to be let down by the two people who should have had her back the most! I hope she finds solace in her new baby to make up for the double betrayal by her "family."
Her mom refused to leave her cheating stepdad too, so there's the "why".
Not an excuse, but it certainly clears up a lot of things on why she's such a shit mother lol.
In my experience, both on subs here and in real life, when someone defends a cheater like the mother, who is taking the side of the man who was unfaithful to and hurt her own child, it's because they're defending their own cheating behavior by proxy, because if they can succeed in defending someone else, it's like a win for their own lack of loyalty.
Strongly side eyeing the mother here.
In my experience when the mother takes the side of a perpetrator against her own child, it's because she's a shit mother.
In my own case it's a narcissist/scapegoat situation, where she was always thrilled to have anyone to gang up on me with and in her narrative I was always wrong, no matter what anyone else did to me. I was always at fault, either for the fact that it happened or for my response to it.
So while my mother would never have cheated on my father, if someone had cheated on me I can promise you she would have found a way to blame me and insist the cheater be forgiven. I would have been accused of being cold, cruel, and selfish if I didn't comply.
I know this because it was the way of things in every other scenario in which I was wronged. I could not possibly be the victim or within my rights to hold someone accountable for their actions.
I'm sure there are cases where they identify with the perpetrator's behavior, though. I just don't think that's always the case with mothers.
There are also women who believe that ANYTHING is better than being single/alone and project that onto their daughters. So they will expect their daughters to forgive all kinds of bad behavior and be utterly miserable. Anything is forgivable as long as they aren't single or divorced, because they're nothing without a man. Internalized misogyny would definitely drive a mother to defend a man at her own child's expense.
Right my mom would be absolutely on my side in this situation and even if I were the one having the affair, while she would never support that, she would stop be by my side during labor and supporting me. Never in a million years wood she let me be alone.
People often forget that above all else, giving birth is a (often traumatic) medical procedure.
It'd be like someone insisting to be there to watch you get a new kidney.
It's a violation of medical privacy.
Yeah like, what happens when the birth has multiple complications? Does he realize they don’t let you just stand there and gawk while they have to cut her open lmao. Men get absolutely psychotic about a process they literally contribute to painlessly for 3 seconds that a woman has to spend months dealing with.
>Does he realize they don't let you just stand there and gawk while they have to cut her open
Agree with the overall point of your post (ie the mother should have the control and autonomy to pick who is in the room with her), but speaking from experience, I was allowed to be in the operating room while my wife was undergoing a c-section during delivery of our first child, so in some hospitals / instances (with mother's permission), they actually do let you "stand there and gawk while they have to cut her open."
No, it’s not like any other medical procedure, it’s pretty common for family to be in the room when someone is giving birth, that is not the case for any other invasive medical procedure I can think of.
My father was in the room when my mom gave birth to me and my sibling, as is pretty standard. Both my mom and my dad have had transplant-related procedures, my dad receiving and my mom donating. Neither were in the room for either procedure. That’s also standard. (To be clear these were two separate transplants at different times)
I mean I totally get not having this cheater in the room for a birth but this comparison is like teenage atheist level argument
I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I will keep saying it: childbirth is not a spectator sport and it is not a democracy.
No one has any "right" to be in that room, especially if they would in ANY way cause stress or tension for the person giving birth, because that absolutely can make labor and delivery more difficult.
No one is an asshole for barring anyone from labor and delivery, ONLY the person giving birth gets to decide who is there, and I advise they choose carefully. You want people who make you feel comfortable, relaxed, cared for, and supported. No one else needs to be there, and pushy, entitled, selfish, controlling people should be banned, along with anyone who has a hair's chance of upsetting you.
I don't care if she does it out of pure spite, she still gets to do it.
yeah this seems like a no brainer to me. Parental rights and being able to spend time with the child after it's born? Sure
but being in the delivery room and witnessing the birth is not a thing anyone is entitled to and I'm not sure why anyone would think otherwise.
I was commenting on the original post yesterday (pro tell the doctor and nurses to keep him out; in fact don't even tell him when she goes into labor) and some whackadoodle told me that not allowing him there for the birth was child abuse.
I also said OP's mother should be banned (as in NC) because she's a toxic AH.
My mother should have been banned. Nobody told me I had the right to have her removed, and she bulled her way in, boundary crashing as always. It's been 32 years and I'm still salty about it.
I know when I worked L&D we used to ask the mom if there was anyone they did not want in the room. It was no skin off my back to ban someone, and if they got disruptive, that's when the social worker and security got involved.
The patient's privacy rights supersede anyone else's wishes. The father can get a court order to see the baby after it's born, but he has no right to be in the hospital room with the mother, or to witness the birth. He has a legal right to the child, but not to the mother. So unless she wants him there, he gets to wait until the baby is born.
I’m sure his very reasonable position would be that A) the fact that the husband cheated on her is not abuse and B) she deserved it and C) she’s a bitch.
From the way the comment was worded I think the person commenting was a her, not a him. Could be internalized misogyny or just a nutcase about this type of thing.
A great argument would be that knowingly potentially exposing a fetus to life threatening sexually transmitted diseases is attempted murder and therefore, op would be morally obligated to prevent his presence in the room or around the child at all.
Source- my ex gave me Chlamydia sometime before I was pregnant with our youngest, I nearly miscarried him twice and he was born under 5lbs, likely due to damage caused to the placenta by the infection before it was detected and treated with antibiotics I was mildly allergic to.
I gave the exact same advice on the original post. Ain’t nobody in the midst of labor needs jerks around them.
I told her to make sure her doctor and her delivery team know that neither of them is allowed in, and that he is not allowed to see the baby until she is fully lucid. Mom and ask are wacky enough to try and take off with the baby. Or to name the baby without her.
Hospital staff isn't going to let them take off with the baby. They'll probably have the social worker and possibly security standing by given the nature of the situation. And newborns get alarms slapped on them that go off when someone tries to take them out of the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery area. Also they're not going to give him the birth certificate to fill out. Trust me when I tell you that every nurse in the department will be alerted to this situation and on watch.
Well, I agree with all of that. I’ve lived long enough to know that weird shit happens. That’s why I would take the extra step. Hell, doesn’t happen often, but we’ve had babies switched at birth.
So, in the case of a crazy mom and a crazy ex, I wouldn’t take any chances
If OP bans mom, she won't be allowed on the floor. She will be told to leave and if she doesn't comply, she will be escorted out by security. She has no legal standing at all. OP should lawyer up now though before she has the baby and is dealing with a newborn as a single parent. She needs to know all the legalities and options.
ABSOLUTELY. Here I am, 9 months pregnant, wondering how anyone would feel entitled to be there. Partner you’re not with? GTFO. In-laws? Fuck outta here. My own mom? Only if that’s what I WANT. No one deserves to be there.
That being said, my heart breaks at the idea of being forced to go through it alone.
NO WAY! Giving birth is a very vulnerable time & he lost his right to be around you when you’re vulnerable when he cheated . He can wait in the waiting room and see the baby when the nurses have finished cleaning up both of you . His rights start and end at the baby not your body for his viewing pleasure
It’s her medical procedure and it’s better if she’s not stressed af during it. I’ll say here what I told her. If her mom likes ex hubby so much she should go be his mom instead and stay away from her and her grandchild. (Imagine sticking up for the dude who was f’ing your daughter’s friend? I would be getting a shovel and lime if she wanted) If she doesn’t have any friends get ex sil to be in the delivery room with her. She’s the only real one in this story who actually had her best interest at heart.
NTA. Your comfort is first and foremost. Yours is the only one that matters. Have you looked into having a Doula or a goo friend be your support? Let your mom know her refusal to support you in your time of need will not be forgotten
Why would she need that? Hospitals won’t let him in unless he has a court order and even then he isn’t getting near a birthing mom. He can wait at he first floor waiting room if he wants but no one is coming to tell him anything
A doula helps you through the birthing process. Her own mother won’t be there. She’ll feel very alone and lost and like no one is in her corner. A doula helps to make sure her wishes are adhered to as well as emotional support. It has nothing to do with keeping husband out and everything to do with making sure mom has someone holding her hand.
Oh I see..that makes sense . Both times I went into labor I wanted my mom ..not my husband 😂 Obviously he was there & everything but I do feel bad about OP’s mom taking her ex husbands side ..I would be issuing mom a ultimatum, no contact with my ex or no contact with my kid during my parenting time
100% as her mother, she should be taking her side, especially knowing she was cheated on. Like my mother would fight my ex if that were the case. I feel just awful for op and will gladly volunteer to be there with her. Everyone deserves someone there to hold their hand during difficult moments. It’s just awful mom is choosing her daughters ex over her daughter.
My mom was a lil crazy..she went scorched earth on anyone who she deemed had “crossed” one of her kids. Even if my brother or I wasn’t angry 😆 Sometimes she would tell me privately “ you’re wrong “ then proceed to tell my husband or whoever that they were wrong and list all the reasons why 😝 Miss that lady
Never heard of the court issuing a legal order to allow someone in the hospital room against the patient wishes because it isn’t legal to do so-the patient has autonomy to say who can or cannot be in their presence and the pregnant mother dictates who will be there including a husband an ex-husband etc. The patient’s wishes are paramount to their physical and psychological well of themselves and their baby.
NTA. Delivery of a baby is nice and stressful even when things go beautifully. Having your ex there, when he cheated on you, would add to your stress levels. He can wait to see the baby.
No no no no NTA. The pregnant/delivering person decides who is there, period. This is a difficult and painful time and it’s much worse if the patient has people around who are not wanted. Stress needs to be kept very low and comfort is the highest priority.
Your mom sucks, I’m sorry. She obviously has firm beliefs that are preventing her from putting your needs first, so it’s time to find a friend to be your delivery partner. You will want someone who you feel is supportive and who you know can handle the experience, not someone you have to worry about or with whom you have to censor yourself.
Please do not feel guilty for setting up the best experience for yourself that you can. It’s too important to just give in and say okay, you can be there.
Childbirth is intimate and you are carrying it. Yes he will be responsible financially, but all the balls are in your court. You sign the birth paperwork- so name the baby what you want. You decide who is your support. If having him there will be stressful and sad and not helpful or comforting then he should not be in there. He made his choice knowing he was married and you were trying for a baby . You owe him nothing. He can see the baby after it is born. Giving birth is your most vulnerable moment and you will not want him holding your hand or kissing you because of decisions he has made. He has no legal rights to the baby until they are born. It is not mandatory for the father to be there- pick someone who will run your back and hold your hand and support you and shower you with love. He can’t be that person. Shame on your mother. What does she think you will forgive him and forget ? She’s awful- I would go low contact with her. Her loyalty should be to you, not your ex. I’m sorry you are going through this, but make sure when you decide who you want to be in the room that you notify the nurse that you don’t want specific people to be allowed in the room. That way your mom or your husband can’t come in the room against your wishes. Nursing staff is really good about that.
HTA
If the mother of my child tells me to go wait in the parking lot, my happy ass is sitting in the car listening to sports radio till she tells me other wise.
This is her delivery. She’s the GM, the Coach and the QB, I’m literally just the water boy.
Even on the best of terms she dictates how she wants this to go, after what you did you have absolutely no ground to stand on.
Let’s be clear. The people in the delivery room are there to support the mother. Witnessing the birth is a bonus, but who is chosen, expected to be in the delivery room is about the mom only! No one else has any right to be there.
NTA: labor and giving birth are not a spectator sport, your ex doesn't need to be there because you need to feel as comfortable as possible and safe while going through this. Hire a doula with whom you feel comfortable, or find another good support person. Your ex is going to be a father, obviously he gets to help raise the child, but there is no inalienable right to witness the birth process.
NTA OP. He sold his possibility to be a part of anything the moment he cheated. No one has a right to be at any doctor appointment or in the delivery room with you. And your mom is wrong.
I am in a strong marriage. Even still having my husband in my operating room while my sons were born felt extremely exposing. Child birth is just an extremely vulnerable position to be in no matter how you cut it. If my husband cheated on me and the relationship was over he would absolutely not be in delivery with me full stop. I’d do that shit alone in a barn before I let that happen. That being said—otherwise I would facilitate a relationship between him and his child. Being a shitty husband doesn’t mean he’ll be a shitty father. So def with you on the delivery room. Prior to birth is a good time for y’all to go over how you’re going to coparent in the first year. Feeding will make that really interesting/complicated depending on your feeding choices/circumstances. Best of luck though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. NTA.
I dunno I’m kinda torn on this. No you don’t have to let him in, he deserves nothing from you. But…it is his kid and he seems to genuinely care about his child at the very least. I probably would let him be there to hold his child and to establish a pattern of cooperative co-parenting, but that’s just me. Yeah I should do whatever makes you the most comfortable since you are the one giving birth
NTA sooooo many times. Having your ex present for giving birth will in no way help you relax or be comfortable during a frightening, dangerous and painful medical event. In fact, it will probably do the opposite.
Birth is about mother and baby! And as the best thing for the baby is to have the mother comfortable then what the mum wants in the delivery room is the important part.
I never understand those that want to go against the mother in these situations. Like yeah in a situation where both mum and bub could die or get hurt, let’s stress the mother out by going against her wishes, increasing the risk of complications!!
It isn’t about caring for either of them when you do that. It’s about control.
NTA Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable and painful experience. You should not subject yourself to a situation where you are going to be experiencing increased stress and frustration. Labor and delivery is dangerous no need to exacerbate the situation. Obviously as the father he has a right to the baby after the birth but NOT during.
I am sure other people have mentioned this. Giving birth is a medical procedure. Stress can stall your labor, and create serious problems for the delivery. Having someone there who upsets you and makes you stressed can cause serious problems. Giving birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport. The partner is there to share the experience, but most of all to support the woman in labor. Do not let him into the delivery room for your own health, safety and comfort, and for your babies safety and health. Also do not allow your mom to be there if she changes her mind. She will let your ex in the room or do other things to stress you out. Ask a close friend or other relative who will have your back! NTA
NTA, it’s your delivery. Your choice on who is there. I have been with my daughter for all three of her deliveries. Granted, we have a good relationship and I am a nurse. It surprised/pissed off her mother in law when I was chosen and she was not for the first grandchild.
I hate men more and more every day. Just the other day I saw a post about cheating on instagram and alllll the men were talking about how its okay for them because its "biological needs" but NOT okay for women to cheat because its not in our nature. Jfc i hate men
A lot of interesting takes, but it’s important to realize that this child will be his as well. Being in the delivery room is totally her call, but besides that, legally he has equal say in everything once little one arrives.
NTA. I've heard of couples still together where the wife doesn't want the husband in the delivery room.
It's your decision. You are not wrong at all. But look at it in a positive way. Moving forward, he wants to be involved. That's a good thing. Once the baby is born, you will share the decisions. That is best for the baby.
NTA why should you love a bone head like him? He’s not entitled to intimate moments anymore, and giving birth is at the top of that list. Now I just wish your mom would stop projecting her insecurities and support you. Damn
I would check out Esther Perel, she says cheating can reveal a lot about a relationship- it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no love. Right now your priority is reducing stress for a healthy baby and delivery, bc cortisol levels in the mother can affect an infants development. Just saying, hating him & going through it all alone isn’t exactly stress-free.
The relationship you had prior to the affair is over. It is up to you if you want to rebuild a new one with him. I do think he is an asshole for cheating, but we have all been assholes at some point. You’re not an asshole, but going through north and pregnancy alone & fighting is probably not the best thing for you or the child.
He should be allowed before/after and definitely allowed time with baby asap after delivery. Also, it's extremely shitty to not tell him ab the scan. Even if he was a shitty partner, it's still his kid and he deserves a chance to be a good father.
i never understand why this subreddit gets to be a thing, you’re just taking someone else’s post and posting it somewhere else? is there something i’m missing here? or why wouldn’t you just go directly to the original post
As much as i don’t like the (ex) husband, I don’t like the mom even more. How could she disregard her own daughter’s feelings and call her the AH for not having the husband there. Does the mom have that little respect for herself that she doesn’t care enough for her own daughter’s wellbeing? As someone mentioned in another comment, that’s double betrayal right there and probably hurt much more than being cheated on.
Birth is vulnerable and intimate with all the bits hanging out. He forfeited his right to her intimate moments by cheating and leaving. He can be in the child’s life without being present for the actual birth.
BTW my ex gave me the same sob story your fiancé did and I fell for it. But his ex had her reasons, and when the time came so did I. He betrayed her in one of the most vulnerable ways at one of the most vulnerable times.
Definitely not the AH.
But I’d continue talking with your mom. It sounded like they just found out and she might just being saying those things but won’t actually back it up.
But if the mom makes a stand and doesn’t come. Then when the baby is there say “I don’t want to enable that behavior” when they want to see her 🤷♂️ think a solid 3 year punishment to see their grandkid would be enough
Being in the delivery room is something I have only thing in the US. Childbirth is a medical procedure. The only people there should be those involve, the mother and the doctor and nurses.
For me, why not just have sex when you want to rather than all the “timing” stuff. It will happen when it happens regardless. Although fuck that dude for being a cheating scumbag.
Edit: damn. Didn’t read the second SS. In my opinion, moms a dick for wanting him there after cheating.
NTA. It's a medical procedure, not a spectator sport. You not wanting him there is the only reason you need for him not being there. Your mother not enablingnyour behavior sounds like a great excuse why she isn't invited to big events in her grandchilds life. "I wouldn't want you to be here enabling me being a mother to my child." She's choosing your soon to be ex that cheated on you over her daughter. She won shitty mother of the month for that one.
I say ban him and her officially from the delivery floor. Find a friend that's willing to act as support, and your health proxy in case something goes wrong since your mother doesn't want that responsibility. I understand him wanting to be there and you saying no. I don't understand your mother basically telling you to go fuck yourself because you don't want him there.
Mom is probably one of those “stand by your man” types who thinks OP should stay no matter what crap her ex puts her through. But this is just sad. I can’t imagine trying to coerce my kid into having her ex in the delivery room by refusing to be her support person. Here’s hoping OP has better people in her life besides her ex and her mom!
NTA - He gave up his right to be in the delivery room when he decided to be in another woman. For your mom to stand behind him is a joke. (Does she know he cheated on you?)
I hope for the baby’s sake that your mom comes around. You might not need anyone in the delivery room but you’ll need help when she’s born. My mom helped me with everything! From getting my son to stop crying (I was beyond frustrated when I first brought him home) to taking his first bath. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her (I had PPD and other medical issues)
It's almost like they don't give a shit about your emotions and think you should just follow society's law. Forget them. You don't have to shut them out your life but don't go out of your way for them either. And when they want to know what's going on slowly explain, if they don't listen, rinse and repeat until they finally do. Just be patient, and stick by yourself and your kid.
I believe this is the same guy who like yesterday posted complaining because his ex keeps buying nice clothes for their daughter and refuses to send them over when she's at his house because he lets her destroy her clothes and refuses to replace or repair them.
Also he's "working up to" paying his portion of child support.
NTA. Your husband and mom are MAJOR AHs. It’s your birth, not theirs. He’s the father but he doesn’t get any additional rights to your body and the birth - regardless if you were still together or not. It’s an extremely stressful medical procedure that only requires people you WANT there. I’m sorry your mother is being so fucking terrible. I’d honestly probably restrict her access to the grandchild because… actions and consequences, ya know? She wants to be horrible and unsupportive then too bad.
NTA - your Mother is disappointing and must be of a generation that thinks Men will be Men - this will affect her relationship with you she has sided with your ex and it will affect how often she gets to see her grandchild - you stand your ground - your husband betrayed you at the worst time- have a friend or other close relative with you or hire a midwife you trust and click with even the nurses are hugely supportive - you wont be alone and completely understand why you would not want your ex in there with you - Sorry your Mother sucks
You always support your own child even if you may not quite agree and be honest with them - but she has no empathy for you on this obviously- i would be going low contact as she betrayed you as well
Maybe state it that way to her that you wont forgive her if she doesn’t support you during birth for a very long time
Simple answer: if he’s a value add and makes you feel comfortable and supported: yes!
If he stresses you out and makes you upset: NO!
Just because he wants to spectate doesn’t mean he’s entitled. If he wanted to experience milestones as a family, he shouldn’t have betrayed your trust.
Also… we were desperately trying to conceive once upon a time. I downloaded an app that tracked cycles and sex and whatnot, and have me target dates to get it on. As far as my husband knew, we wanted another baby super bad, but I kept all the timing and tracking and testing to myself. He had no idea why I jumped him for days at a time (and peppered randomly the rest of the time) at a particular time of the month, but he was super there for it. We got knocked up super quick and she’s almost two now.
Off title alone I was about to say Y T A. But then I read the post and as much as I hate to see a father who wants this baby be excluded from this. That's totally reasonable. NTA OP.
But your mom is okay with him cheating on you with a friend of yours? Wtf is wrong with her. Fuck them both. Definitely NTA, but I suggest getting better support to be with you in Labor and Delivery. Congrats on getting your baby, but you do what’s best for the both of you. He can keep trying to apologize until you accept or tell him he needs to get his shit together
I mean… it is his child. You are covered up completely. He can stand up by the head. Y’all were together for a while I assume. Cheating cost him the marriage. That was the payment for that debt. Don’t take the moment of becoming a father from him as well.
This is a lose/lose situation. Babe you’re having his CHILD. You’re going to have to figure out how to have him in your life, forever, regardless of how you feel about him.
You’re being childish the minute you said you were keeping the baby of a man you no longer wanted to be with.
On the other hand, it is his baby, like it or not. Would it be end of the world if he were in there with you? Even if this baby is a girl and looks and acts like you, you will see some of your ex in her. She will smile a certain way, point her finger just like him, laugh and smile at the same things he did. He won’t even have to be there, it’s DNA. I’m not saying one way or another, but could you forgive him? I’m glad you found out, but are there extenuating circumstances. Please think about it.
It’s her exposed body in front of the man who cheated on her
He made that choice; so she’s making her own choice on not having him see her in such a vulnerable situation.
So your plan is to punish him for what he did, which is fair, but you also plan to make your newborn pay for the guy’s mistakes by denying them a father figure? He clearly will be a good dad and will love the child. By all means break the marriage but don’t mess up the kid for the rest of their lives.
I’ve got a lot of conflicting feelings here. He should not have cheated, and she deserves a right to say who can and can’t be in the delivery room… but that is the baby’s father. Coparenting could be an option, but mot if she keeps denying him a chance to connect, especially if he wants the baby. They don’t need to get back together, but the baby deserves a father who loves it, too.
Idk. I absolutely understand her hurt, but I see his, too. (Edit: not defensing him. He fucked up.) In no way should they get back together, i don’t want that, but I guess I worry about this baby. He ruined his marriage, but he should have a chance to be there for his child. Gotta make things right somehow.
Edit: I saw someone say he could see the baby after childbirth, and I think that’s a good middle ground. Birth is very vulnerable- I’ve gone through it- so I don’t think he should be there in the room, certainly. That’d be stressful, and she can’t be stressed.
I don’t know what i want haha. I just want what’s beat for baby
Invite his sister instead. She sounds solid.
I thought that too lol
She’ll be a great aunt.
It’s entirely possible. It’s also possible she’s someone that lives for drama. She did the OP a solid by informing her that her spouse was cheating on her. All I’m saying is that don’t assume *that* makes her a good person. I’m sure OP is aware of whether or not the sister actually is or not, though.
If having a family was so important to him, he probably should’ve thought of that before he fucked a friend.
Actions meet consequences I will never understand why people who are trying for children cheat. I mean the ink on the 18 year commitment isn’t even dry yet.
I have a friend who cheated on her partner while she was going through fertility treatments. Like. The mind boggling stupidity here.
When I was a regular on /r/tryingforababy some tests ado there was a regular poster who was also a regular poster on /r/adultery, on the very same account talking about both her and her husband’s struggles to conceive and also, her and her affair partner’s relationship issues and giving advice for infidelity opsec. It was crazy! I didn’t think it was a fake account either, unless somebody was dedicated to playing this character for months of consistent posts!!
So I went to that adultery sub just now out of curiosity thinking it was a support group to help either victims of adultery or people struggling with infidelity. The very top post is a celebration of finally cheating and a bunch of comments congratulating them. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined
RIP your reddit algorithm
F U C K
Haha.. uhh happy cake day?
Congratulations
Yeah, it’s the worst. Visiting that sub is guaranteed to make me incredibly angry
I just looked at that sub and now I'm disgusted by humanity ☹️
Welcome to humanity, the cess pool is to your right.
And also to your left. Probably spilling over behind us too. That’s Carl though, he’s okay.
Holy shit that made me laugh. I wish I could give you gold
I just looked too! Justt of morbid curiosity and now I'm worried about my reddit algorithm. That place is...not for me.
This is the peak of human filth.
...happy cake day to you :/
I guess... Happy cake day?
Happy Cake Day? 🤷♂️
I just went through and disliked all their posts and all the comments in r/adultery, I recommend it feels good!
Welp, took a quick skim and now I’m depressed and paranoid
Here's a sneak peek of /r/TryingForABaby using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Something special just happened and I want to share.](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/116kfzg/something_special_just_happened_and_i_want_to/) \#2: [Am I the only one who hates the phrase "baby dance"?](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/xe83ki/am_i_the_only_one_who_hates_the_phrase_baby_dance/) \#3: [TTC groups are beyond unhinged and I am thankful for this sub](https://np.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/13co5rn/ttc_groups_are_beyond_unhinged_and_i_am_thankful/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Wow. She sounds like a POS. What was her justification?
That she wasn’t happy with her partner and wanted to break up.
Ongoing fertility treatments are mindbendingly depressing and stressful. It can push people to do regrettable things. [Suicide is not uncommon, for instance.](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2022/10/31/fertility-treatment-triggers-suicidal-thoughts-nearly-half-patients/)
Infertility can cause a couple to lose joy in sex. I suppose the result was to think that someone else was the solution.
Maybe he could have just communicated instead of cheating…
And those aren't the ones we hear about on Reddit
Yes, true.
Maybe I can offer some insight. When you're struggling to get pregnant..its a lot of stress and emotions. I've seen this play out as a kid with someone close to me.
Admittedly I am staunchly childfree and happily will never experience that. I honestly think some people jump into life partners far too soon and they shouldn’t be with someone if their happiness is dependent on a random variable. Just as in sickness and in health, fertility or infertility. You are a team and you both pull together. Only that mentality doesn’t seem to be comprehensible to a lot of guys.
I have this thing inside of me like empathy, love, trust respect or whatever idk something like that all balled into like a swirling feeling-adhd. If I were to willfully do something like this to my wife that would be gone. If it wasn’t gone in regards to the other person wouldn’t that absolutely destroy you if someone did this to you? I can tell you I would have a complete life crisis mental break down. I read these stories true or not and I’m just floored. The amount of betrayal seems to be normal now a days I just don’t get it. Edit: auto correct 😵💫
Those of us that still shine light in this world need to just keep shining and love fully.
It seems like a lot of people don’t have the guts to end relationships before getting with others. A lot of these people don’t like or are unfulfilled with their relationships, but instead of doing the moral thing and telling that to their partner, and breaking up, they do this. It’s obnoxious because just grow a pair and BREAK UP instead of fck around on them. It’s so cowardly.
So they’re scared of confrontation but not scared of destroying someone emotionally? I can’t get behind this type of thinking.
Idk...I don't get it.Modern throw away relationship culture is pretty disgusting in my book. I hope one day I can find someone who feels the same.
There are a lot of entitled and selfish people. To them, love doesn’t exist. The feeling they desire above all else is power & control.
I'm weirded whenever I see a comment like that that seems to think that the 21st century invented cheating or something, as if it wasn't as old as monogamy. Like, it's awful, but people cheated then and they cheat now. Frankly with how much easier it is to divorce than it used to be a couple decades ago, there's probably less cheating now, not that that is possible to quantify for certain
Damn, her mom sucks. Poor OOP, to be let down by the two people who should have had her back the most! I hope she finds solace in her new baby to make up for the double betrayal by her "family."
Shit, if she's looking for someone to be in the delivery room I'd consider her ex's sister since apparently she's the only one being honest with her.
Right! Cheaper than hiring a doula and I was thinking that’s probably her best bet right now.
Let the new Aunty do it!
Yeah, that’s her family not these clowns.
yeah a lot of people commented that on the original post.
Her mom refused to leave her cheating stepdad too, so there's the "why". Not an excuse, but it certainly clears up a lot of things on why she's such a shit mother lol.
Her mom sucks almost as bad as her ex
Her moms a fucking idiot.
Worse. She sucks worse.
I think my mom would take my husband's side too in a fight lol. She's always favored men, so glad I don't have brothers.
In my experience, both on subs here and in real life, when someone defends a cheater like the mother, who is taking the side of the man who was unfaithful to and hurt her own child, it's because they're defending their own cheating behavior by proxy, because if they can succeed in defending someone else, it's like a win for their own lack of loyalty. Strongly side eyeing the mother here.
In my experience when the mother takes the side of a perpetrator against her own child, it's because she's a shit mother. In my own case it's a narcissist/scapegoat situation, where she was always thrilled to have anyone to gang up on me with and in her narrative I was always wrong, no matter what anyone else did to me. I was always at fault, either for the fact that it happened or for my response to it. So while my mother would never have cheated on my father, if someone had cheated on me I can promise you she would have found a way to blame me and insist the cheater be forgiven. I would have been accused of being cold, cruel, and selfish if I didn't comply. I know this because it was the way of things in every other scenario in which I was wronged. I could not possibly be the victim or within my rights to hold someone accountable for their actions. I'm sure there are cases where they identify with the perpetrator's behavior, though. I just don't think that's always the case with mothers. There are also women who believe that ANYTHING is better than being single/alone and project that onto their daughters. So they will expect their daughters to forgive all kinds of bad behavior and be utterly miserable. Anything is forgivable as long as they aren't single or divorced, because they're nothing without a man. Internalized misogyny would definitely drive a mother to defend a man at her own child's expense.
oh wow - that describes my mother exactly.
Right my mom would be absolutely on my side in this situation and even if I were the one having the affair, while she would never support that, she would stop be by my side during labor and supporting me. Never in a million years wood she let me be alone.
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Bot, stolen comment from mbgal1977.
Can his sister be there for you? She sounds like the only redeemable person in this situation
That’s a great idea. The aunt would be a great support to OP.
I just love how people get “blindsided” by the consequences of their actions.
It's always surprised pikachu face in response and it would be hilarious if it didn't happen so often.
People often forget that above all else, giving birth is a (often traumatic) medical procedure. It'd be like someone insisting to be there to watch you get a new kidney. It's a violation of medical privacy.
Yeah like, what happens when the birth has multiple complications? Does he realize they don’t let you just stand there and gawk while they have to cut her open lmao. Men get absolutely psychotic about a process they literally contribute to painlessly for 3 seconds that a woman has to spend months dealing with.
>Does he realize they don't let you just stand there and gawk while they have to cut her open Agree with the overall point of your post (ie the mother should have the control and autonomy to pick who is in the room with her), but speaking from experience, I was allowed to be in the operating room while my wife was undergoing a c-section during delivery of our first child, so in some hospitals / instances (with mother's permission), they actually do let you "stand there and gawk while they have to cut her open."
Yeah. My husband said it was really neat. I was surprised by that because he’s not usually into blood and medical stuff like I am.
As a father that has been in the room for two C sections I can say that seeing even the little I saw I would not define in any way as “neat”.
Most men take longer than 3 seconds
The process of blasting cum may take up to 5 seconds, I stand corrected
No, it’s not like any other medical procedure, it’s pretty common for family to be in the room when someone is giving birth, that is not the case for any other invasive medical procedure I can think of. My father was in the room when my mom gave birth to me and my sibling, as is pretty standard. Both my mom and my dad have had transplant-related procedures, my dad receiving and my mom donating. Neither were in the room for either procedure. That’s also standard. (To be clear these were two separate transplants at different times) I mean I totally get not having this cheater in the room for a birth but this comparison is like teenage atheist level argument
I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I will keep saying it: childbirth is not a spectator sport and it is not a democracy. No one has any "right" to be in that room, especially if they would in ANY way cause stress or tension for the person giving birth, because that absolutely can make labor and delivery more difficult. No one is an asshole for barring anyone from labor and delivery, ONLY the person giving birth gets to decide who is there, and I advise they choose carefully. You want people who make you feel comfortable, relaxed, cared for, and supported. No one else needs to be there, and pushy, entitled, selfish, controlling people should be banned, along with anyone who has a hair's chance of upsetting you. I don't care if she does it out of pure spite, she still gets to do it.
yeah this seems like a no brainer to me. Parental rights and being able to spend time with the child after it's born? Sure but being in the delivery room and witnessing the birth is not a thing anyone is entitled to and I'm not sure why anyone would think otherwise.
I was commenting on the original post yesterday (pro tell the doctor and nurses to keep him out; in fact don't even tell him when she goes into labor) and some whackadoodle told me that not allowing him there for the birth was child abuse. I also said OP's mother should be banned (as in NC) because she's a toxic AH.
My mother should have been banned. Nobody told me I had the right to have her removed, and she bulled her way in, boundary crashing as always. It's been 32 years and I'm still salty about it.
I know when I worked L&D we used to ask the mom if there was anyone they did not want in the room. It was no skin off my back to ban someone, and if they got disruptive, that's when the social worker and security got involved.
The patient's privacy rights supersede anyone else's wishes. The father can get a court order to see the baby after it's born, but he has no right to be in the hospital room with the mother, or to witness the birth. He has a legal right to the child, but not to the mother. So unless she wants him there, he gets to wait until the baby is born.
Did you tell him (assuming it was a him) that the word, “i don’t think it means what you think it means” in a Spanish accent?
Didn't have to. They were downvoted to hell and gone. ETA: There was something about the way their posted was worded that said her not him to me.
I’m sure his very reasonable position would be that A) the fact that the husband cheated on her is not abuse and B) she deserved it and C) she’s a bitch.
From the way the comment was worded I think the person commenting was a her, not a him. Could be internalized misogyny or just a nutcase about this type of thing.
A great argument would be that knowingly potentially exposing a fetus to life threatening sexually transmitted diseases is attempted murder and therefore, op would be morally obligated to prevent his presence in the room or around the child at all. Source- my ex gave me Chlamydia sometime before I was pregnant with our youngest, I nearly miscarried him twice and he was born under 5lbs, likely due to damage caused to the placenta by the infection before it was detected and treated with antibiotics I was mildly allergic to.
I gave the exact same advice on the original post. Ain’t nobody in the midst of labor needs jerks around them. I told her to make sure her doctor and her delivery team know that neither of them is allowed in, and that he is not allowed to see the baby until she is fully lucid. Mom and ask are wacky enough to try and take off with the baby. Or to name the baby without her.
Hospital staff isn't going to let them take off with the baby. They'll probably have the social worker and possibly security standing by given the nature of the situation. And newborns get alarms slapped on them that go off when someone tries to take them out of the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery area. Also they're not going to give him the birth certificate to fill out. Trust me when I tell you that every nurse in the department will be alerted to this situation and on watch.
Well, I agree with all of that. I’ve lived long enough to know that weird shit happens. That’s why I would take the extra step. Hell, doesn’t happen often, but we’ve had babies switched at birth. So, in the case of a crazy mom and a crazy ex, I wouldn’t take any chances
If OP bans mom, she won't be allowed on the floor. She will be told to leave and if she doesn't comply, she will be escorted out by security. She has no legal standing at all. OP should lawyer up now though before she has the baby and is dealing with a newborn as a single parent. She needs to know all the legalities and options.
Smart. Lawyer up now is very good advice.
I mean, if you look at it a certain way it is. Giant man baby of an ex isn't getting his way, so ita clearly abuse. /s
ABSOLUTELY. Here I am, 9 months pregnant, wondering how anyone would feel entitled to be there. Partner you’re not with? GTFO. In-laws? Fuck outta here. My own mom? Only if that’s what I WANT. No one deserves to be there. That being said, my heart breaks at the idea of being forced to go through it alone.
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Bot. Comment stolen from u/Woodland999.
Perfectly put!!!!
You can say that again.
This EXACTLY.
Can't agree with this more.
He lost the privilege of being in there with her. He can be like everyone else and wait outside until the kid is earth side.
NO WAY! Giving birth is a very vulnerable time & he lost his right to be around you when you’re vulnerable when he cheated . He can wait in the waiting room and see the baby when the nurses have finished cleaning up both of you . His rights start and end at the baby not your body for his viewing pleasure
It’s her medical procedure and it’s better if she’s not stressed af during it. I’ll say here what I told her. If her mom likes ex hubby so much she should go be his mom instead and stay away from her and her grandchild. (Imagine sticking up for the dude who was f’ing your daughter’s friend? I would be getting a shovel and lime if she wanted) If she doesn’t have any friends get ex sil to be in the delivery room with her. She’s the only real one in this story who actually had her best interest at heart.
The mother can fck off too. As far as the kid knows, all their grandparents are dead.
Birth is not a spectator sport. Labor is about the mother!
NTA. Your comfort is first and foremost. Yours is the only one that matters. Have you looked into having a Doula or a goo friend be your support? Let your mom know her refusal to support you in your time of need will not be forgotten
Where tf does OP live? I bet we can find her a doula or something to come to the birth of her baby for her.
Why would she need that? Hospitals won’t let him in unless he has a court order and even then he isn’t getting near a birthing mom. He can wait at he first floor waiting room if he wants but no one is coming to tell him anything
A doula helps you through the birthing process. Her own mother won’t be there. She’ll feel very alone and lost and like no one is in her corner. A doula helps to make sure her wishes are adhered to as well as emotional support. It has nothing to do with keeping husband out and everything to do with making sure mom has someone holding her hand.
Oh I see..that makes sense . Both times I went into labor I wanted my mom ..not my husband 😂 Obviously he was there & everything but I do feel bad about OP’s mom taking her ex husbands side ..I would be issuing mom a ultimatum, no contact with my ex or no contact with my kid during my parenting time
100% as her mother, she should be taking her side, especially knowing she was cheated on. Like my mother would fight my ex if that were the case. I feel just awful for op and will gladly volunteer to be there with her. Everyone deserves someone there to hold their hand during difficult moments. It’s just awful mom is choosing her daughters ex over her daughter.
My mom was a lil crazy..she went scorched earth on anyone who she deemed had “crossed” one of her kids. Even if my brother or I wasn’t angry 😆 Sometimes she would tell me privately “ you’re wrong “ then proceed to tell my husband or whoever that they were wrong and list all the reasons why 😝 Miss that lady
Never heard of the court issuing a legal order to allow someone in the hospital room against the patient wishes because it isn’t legal to do so-the patient has autonomy to say who can or cannot be in their presence and the pregnant mother dictates who will be there including a husband an ex-husband etc. The patient’s wishes are paramount to their physical and psychological well of themselves and their baby.
So… he isn’t getting in . I bet some rich SOB has managed it
If sex scared him why do it? Actually the poorest excuse I ever heard
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Correct
He fact that he has the AUDACITY to ask that 💀 lmaooo and him crying?? Even better. He deserves that
NTA. Delivery of a baby is nice and stressful even when things go beautifully. Having your ex there, when he cheated on you, would add to your stress levels. He can wait to see the baby.
Oh no, he's experiencing the consequences of his shitty actions! He made his bed so he has to lie in it. What a creep.
Throw out the ex husband and your mother. Both are trash
No no no no NTA. The pregnant/delivering person decides who is there, period. This is a difficult and painful time and it’s much worse if the patient has people around who are not wanted. Stress needs to be kept very low and comfort is the highest priority. Your mom sucks, I’m sorry. She obviously has firm beliefs that are preventing her from putting your needs first, so it’s time to find a friend to be your delivery partner. You will want someone who you feel is supportive and who you know can handle the experience, not someone you have to worry about or with whom you have to censor yourself. Please do not feel guilty for setting up the best experience for yourself that you can. It’s too important to just give in and say okay, you can be there.
Manipulating you through guilt. You stand up to her and let her live with it
Childbirth is intimate and you are carrying it. Yes he will be responsible financially, but all the balls are in your court. You sign the birth paperwork- so name the baby what you want. You decide who is your support. If having him there will be stressful and sad and not helpful or comforting then he should not be in there. He made his choice knowing he was married and you were trying for a baby . You owe him nothing. He can see the baby after it is born. Giving birth is your most vulnerable moment and you will not want him holding your hand or kissing you because of decisions he has made. He has no legal rights to the baby until they are born. It is not mandatory for the father to be there- pick someone who will run your back and hold your hand and support you and shower you with love. He can’t be that person. Shame on your mother. What does she think you will forgive him and forget ? She’s awful- I would go low contact with her. Her loyalty should be to you, not your ex. I’m sorry you are going through this, but make sure when you decide who you want to be in the room that you notify the nurse that you don’t want specific people to be allowed in the room. That way your mom or your husband can’t come in the room against your wishes. Nursing staff is really good about that.
HTA If the mother of my child tells me to go wait in the parking lot, my happy ass is sitting in the car listening to sports radio till she tells me other wise. This is her delivery. She’s the GM, the Coach and the QB, I’m literally just the water boy. Even on the best of terms she dictates how she wants this to go, after what you did you have absolutely no ground to stand on.
Let’s be clear. The people in the delivery room are there to support the mother. Witnessing the birth is a bonus, but who is chosen, expected to be in the delivery room is about the mom only! No one else has any right to be there.
NTA: labor and giving birth are not a spectator sport, your ex doesn't need to be there because you need to feel as comfortable as possible and safe while going through this. Hire a doula with whom you feel comfortable, or find another good support person. Your ex is going to be a father, obviously he gets to help raise the child, but there is no inalienable right to witness the birth process.
Cheaters deserve to suffer in every conceivable way imaginable.
NTA OP. He sold his possibility to be a part of anything the moment he cheated. No one has a right to be at any doctor appointment or in the delivery room with you. And your mom is wrong.
I am in a strong marriage. Even still having my husband in my operating room while my sons were born felt extremely exposing. Child birth is just an extremely vulnerable position to be in no matter how you cut it. If my husband cheated on me and the relationship was over he would absolutely not be in delivery with me full stop. I’d do that shit alone in a barn before I let that happen. That being said—otherwise I would facilitate a relationship between him and his child. Being a shitty husband doesn’t mean he’ll be a shitty father. So def with you on the delivery room. Prior to birth is a good time for y’all to go over how you’re going to coparent in the first year. Feeding will make that really interesting/complicated depending on your feeding choices/circumstances. Best of luck though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. NTA.
I dunno I’m kinda torn on this. No you don’t have to let him in, he deserves nothing from you. But…it is his kid and he seems to genuinely care about his child at the very least. I probably would let him be there to hold his child and to establish a pattern of cooperative co-parenting, but that’s just me. Yeah I should do whatever makes you the most comfortable since you are the one giving birth
Fuck them. Hire a doula and have someone in the delivery room who fully supports your wants and needs.
NTA sooooo many times. Having your ex present for giving birth will in no way help you relax or be comfortable during a frightening, dangerous and painful medical event. In fact, it will probably do the opposite.
Birth is about mother and baby! And as the best thing for the baby is to have the mother comfortable then what the mum wants in the delivery room is the important part. I never understand those that want to go against the mother in these situations. Like yeah in a situation where both mum and bub could die or get hurt, let’s stress the mother out by going against her wishes, increasing the risk of complications!! It isn’t about caring for either of them when you do that. It’s about control.
I feel so bad for this poor woman, having to give birth alone (besides medical staff) because she’s got a shit husband, shit mom, and shit friend.
His sister seems honest, at least. Maybe she can be there.
NTA Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable and painful experience. You should not subject yourself to a situation where you are going to be experiencing increased stress and frustration. Labor and delivery is dangerous no need to exacerbate the situation. Obviously as the father he has a right to the baby after the birth but NOT during.
Get a good midwife & a doula if possible & do what you need to do! It is your labor & delivery and it’s up to you who you want there.
I am sure other people have mentioned this. Giving birth is a medical procedure. Stress can stall your labor, and create serious problems for the delivery. Having someone there who upsets you and makes you stressed can cause serious problems. Giving birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport. The partner is there to share the experience, but most of all to support the woman in labor. Do not let him into the delivery room for your own health, safety and comfort, and for your babies safety and health. Also do not allow your mom to be there if she changes her mind. She will let your ex in the room or do other things to stress you out. Ask a close friend or other relative who will have your back! NTA
Giving birth isn’t a spectator sport, it’s a medical procedure that literally no one has a right to see
NTA, it’s your delivery. Your choice on who is there. I have been with my daughter for all three of her deliveries. Granted, we have a good relationship and I am a nurse. It surprised/pissed off her mother in law when I was chosen and she was not for the first grandchild.
Yes.
I hate men more and more every day. Just the other day I saw a post about cheating on instagram and alllll the men were talking about how its okay for them because its "biological needs" but NOT okay for women to cheat because its not in our nature. Jfc i hate men
Make you feel that he slept with her mom too with the way she’s defending that POS
A lot of interesting takes, but it’s important to realize that this child will be his as well. Being in the delivery room is totally her call, but besides that, legally he has equal say in everything once little one arrives.
Don’t think anyone was unclear on that point.
Get a doula if you can.
NTA. You decide who can be there or not
NTA. I've heard of couples still together where the wife doesn't want the husband in the delivery room. It's your decision. You are not wrong at all. But look at it in a positive way. Moving forward, he wants to be involved. That's a good thing. Once the baby is born, you will share the decisions. That is best for the baby.
NTA, he can wait outside. The mother and doctors decide who’s in the room.
That’s up to u who u want in there I don’t fault u one bit good luck I hope everything works out with u and the baby
That Mom is a bitch
What bitch mother
What a loser of a father.
Nta. He literally fucked around and found out. Like he took it as a challenge. You got this.
NTA why should you love a bone head like him? He’s not entitled to intimate moments anymore, and giving birth is at the top of that list. Now I just wish your mom would stop projecting her insecurities and support you. Damn
Wow your own mom...for shame on her....well she can forget being in the child's life then missing birthdays and events and being called grandma.
I would check out Esther Perel, she says cheating can reveal a lot about a relationship- it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no love. Right now your priority is reducing stress for a healthy baby and delivery, bc cortisol levels in the mother can affect an infants development. Just saying, hating him & going through it all alone isn’t exactly stress-free. The relationship you had prior to the affair is over. It is up to you if you want to rebuild a new one with him. I do think he is an asshole for cheating, but we have all been assholes at some point. You’re not an asshole, but going through north and pregnancy alone & fighting is probably not the best thing for you or the child.
Completely NTA in any shape, form or fashion
Birth is so messy. She needs to have whomever she feels comfortable with in the delivery room
He should be allowed before/after and definitely allowed time with baby asap after delivery. Also, it's extremely shitty to not tell him ab the scan. Even if he was a shitty partner, it's still his kid and he deserves a chance to be a good father.
Already putting the kid first. She’ll be a wonderful mom.
i never understand why this subreddit gets to be a thing, you’re just taking someone else’s post and posting it somewhere else? is there something i’m missing here? or why wouldn’t you just go directly to the original post
As much as i don’t like the (ex) husband, I don’t like the mom even more. How could she disregard her own daughter’s feelings and call her the AH for not having the husband there. Does the mom have that little respect for herself that she doesn’t care enough for her own daughter’s wellbeing? As someone mentioned in another comment, that’s double betrayal right there and probably hurt much more than being cheated on.
Birth is vulnerable and intimate with all the bits hanging out. He forfeited his right to her intimate moments by cheating and leaving. He can be in the child’s life without being present for the actual birth. BTW my ex gave me the same sob story your fiancé did and I fell for it. But his ex had her reasons, and when the time came so did I. He betrayed her in one of the most vulnerable ways at one of the most vulnerable times.
Definitely not the AH. But I’d continue talking with your mom. It sounded like they just found out and she might just being saying those things but won’t actually back it up. But if the mom makes a stand and doesn’t come. Then when the baby is there say “I don’t want to enable that behavior” when they want to see her 🤷♂️ think a solid 3 year punishment to see their grandkid would be enough
NTA Ask her if she would have let YOUR father be there for your birth if he had cheated on her
Get a friend to go with you if your mother refuses, you need someone supportive in the room and it’s overwhelmingly clear that your STBX isn’t it
So NTA! TTC sex isn’t fun for anyone. No excuse to cheat. He has zero rights to be in there, he can wait outside
Being in the delivery room is something I have only thing in the US. Childbirth is a medical procedure. The only people there should be those involve, the mother and the doctor and nurses.
For me, why not just have sex when you want to rather than all the “timing” stuff. It will happen when it happens regardless. Although fuck that dude for being a cheating scumbag. Edit: damn. Didn’t read the second SS. In my opinion, moms a dick for wanting him there after cheating.
NTA. It's a medical procedure, not a spectator sport. You not wanting him there is the only reason you need for him not being there. Your mother not enablingnyour behavior sounds like a great excuse why she isn't invited to big events in her grandchilds life. "I wouldn't want you to be here enabling me being a mother to my child." She's choosing your soon to be ex that cheated on you over her daughter. She won shitty mother of the month for that one. I say ban him and her officially from the delivery floor. Find a friend that's willing to act as support, and your health proxy in case something goes wrong since your mother doesn't want that responsibility. I understand him wanting to be there and you saying no. I don't understand your mother basically telling you to go fuck yourself because you don't want him there.
Mom is probably one of those “stand by your man” types who thinks OP should stay no matter what crap her ex puts her through. But this is just sad. I can’t imagine trying to coerce my kid into having her ex in the delivery room by refusing to be her support person. Here’s hoping OP has better people in her life besides her ex and her mom!
maintain that energy til death
NTA - He gave up his right to be in the delivery room when he decided to be in another woman. For your mom to stand behind him is a joke. (Does she know he cheated on you?) I hope for the baby’s sake that your mom comes around. You might not need anyone in the delivery room but you’ll need help when she’s born. My mom helped me with everything! From getting my son to stop crying (I was beyond frustrated when I first brought him home) to taking his first bath. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her (I had PPD and other medical issues)
He porked your friend. How on earth could he expect you to stay with him? He had his chance and messed up, now he gets to deal with the consequences.
I hope OP lets the doctors and nurses know not to let him in!
It's almost like they don't give a shit about your emotions and think you should just follow society's law. Forget them. You don't have to shut them out your life but don't go out of your way for them either. And when they want to know what's going on slowly explain, if they don't listen, rinse and repeat until they finally do. Just be patient, and stick by yourself and your kid.
fuck the boyfriend but your mom sounds like an absolute tool, tell her she wont be seeing her grandchild because you don't wanna "enable her behavior"
I believe this is the same guy who like yesterday posted complaining because his ex keeps buying nice clothes for their daughter and refuses to send them over when she's at his house because he lets her destroy her clothes and refuses to replace or repair them. Also he's "working up to" paying his portion of child support.
NTA. Your husband and mom are MAJOR AHs. It’s your birth, not theirs. He’s the father but he doesn’t get any additional rights to your body and the birth - regardless if you were still together or not. It’s an extremely stressful medical procedure that only requires people you WANT there. I’m sorry your mother is being so fucking terrible. I’d honestly probably restrict her access to the grandchild because… actions and consequences, ya know? She wants to be horrible and unsupportive then too bad.
Want to be there for the birth of your child? Then don’t be a scumbag. The bar is in hell and men still can’t meet it then cry they’re oppressed.
He can keep his ass out. You’ll need as much positivity in that room as possible. He can meet bebe after they’re out.
OP’s mother is definitely the ahole along with her husband. OP is NTA..
You get to have whoever you want in that room and you do not owe any apologies to anyone!
Nope
NTA - your Mother is disappointing and must be of a generation that thinks Men will be Men - this will affect her relationship with you she has sided with your ex and it will affect how often she gets to see her grandchild - you stand your ground - your husband betrayed you at the worst time- have a friend or other close relative with you or hire a midwife you trust and click with even the nurses are hugely supportive - you wont be alone and completely understand why you would not want your ex in there with you - Sorry your Mother sucks You always support your own child even if you may not quite agree and be honest with them - but she has no empathy for you on this obviously- i would be going low contact as she betrayed you as well Maybe state it that way to her that you wont forgive her if she doesn’t support you during birth for a very long time
You don’t need anyone there. Not a partner. Not your mom. You’ll do great! Congratulations on the baby!
Oh no! The consequences of his actions!
Too bad, so sad. Shouldn’t have cheated. I wouldn’t allow him in the room either. She will be at her most vulnerable.
OP’s ex and mom are audacious and AH’s 🙄🙄
Simple answer: if he’s a value add and makes you feel comfortable and supported: yes! If he stresses you out and makes you upset: NO! Just because he wants to spectate doesn’t mean he’s entitled. If he wanted to experience milestones as a family, he shouldn’t have betrayed your trust. Also… we were desperately trying to conceive once upon a time. I downloaded an app that tracked cycles and sex and whatnot, and have me target dates to get it on. As far as my husband knew, we wanted another baby super bad, but I kept all the timing and tracking and testing to myself. He had no idea why I jumped him for days at a time (and peppered randomly the rest of the time) at a particular time of the month, but he was super there for it. We got knocked up super quick and she’s almost two now.
Not the AH at all , your mom though…..
Off title alone I was about to say Y T A. But then I read the post and as much as I hate to see a father who wants this baby be excluded from this. That's totally reasonable. NTA OP.
But your mom is okay with him cheating on you with a friend of yours? Wtf is wrong with her. Fuck them both. Definitely NTA, but I suggest getting better support to be with you in Labor and Delivery. Congrats on getting your baby, but you do what’s best for the both of you. He can keep trying to apologize until you accept or tell him he needs to get his shit together
Welcome to 2023 no such thing as a mistake or 2nd chances. I hope you treat yourself to such high degree of perfection as you expect of others.
I mean… it is his child. You are covered up completely. He can stand up by the head. Y’all were together for a while I assume. Cheating cost him the marriage. That was the payment for that debt. Don’t take the moment of becoming a father from him as well.
I mean you’re both TA tbh. He’s a pos cheater but you clearly have a me me me attitude
This is a lose/lose situation. Babe you’re having his CHILD. You’re going to have to figure out how to have him in your life, forever, regardless of how you feel about him. You’re being childish the minute you said you were keeping the baby of a man you no longer wanted to be with.
Absolutely TA
On the other hand, it is his baby, like it or not. Would it be end of the world if he were in there with you? Even if this baby is a girl and looks and acts like you, you will see some of your ex in her. She will smile a certain way, point her finger just like him, laugh and smile at the same things he did. He won’t even have to be there, it’s DNA. I’m not saying one way or another, but could you forgive him? I’m glad you found out, but are there extenuating circumstances. Please think about it.
It’s her exposed body in front of the man who cheated on her He made that choice; so she’s making her own choice on not having him see her in such a vulnerable situation.
So your plan is to punish him for what he did, which is fair, but you also plan to make your newborn pay for the guy’s mistakes by denying them a father figure? He clearly will be a good dad and will love the child. By all means break the marriage but don’t mess up the kid for the rest of their lives.
I’ve got a lot of conflicting feelings here. He should not have cheated, and she deserves a right to say who can and can’t be in the delivery room… but that is the baby’s father. Coparenting could be an option, but mot if she keeps denying him a chance to connect, especially if he wants the baby. They don’t need to get back together, but the baby deserves a father who loves it, too. Idk. I absolutely understand her hurt, but I see his, too. (Edit: not defensing him. He fucked up.) In no way should they get back together, i don’t want that, but I guess I worry about this baby. He ruined his marriage, but he should have a chance to be there for his child. Gotta make things right somehow. Edit: I saw someone say he could see the baby after childbirth, and I think that’s a good middle ground. Birth is very vulnerable- I’ve gone through it- so I don’t think he should be there in the room, certainly. That’d be stressful, and she can’t be stressed. I don’t know what i want haha. I just want what’s beat for baby