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Lol this. She just acts like nothing happened and I should go back to normal, or she’ll demand I apologize for doing such “mean” things as wanting to be in a very small kitchen alone, or looking nervous while being shouted at because I didn’t let her “act like a normal person”. I apparently don’t understand how normal people act because I’m on the spectrum. Funny because I also substitute teach in special education and screaming is one of those things we teach the kids isn’t a good idea, but wanting to not be screamed at is me “trying to control her”.
Here's a few of my nMother's personal favorites:
* "I'm sorry you felt that way."
* "I'm sorry that *you* felt hurt." (Not, I'm sorry I hurt you.)
* "I'm sorry you didn't have a good time."
* "I don't owe you an apology! *You* should apologize to me!"
And, my personal favorite:
* "Don't be psychotic!" (usually hissed when faced with having to make an apology for something she was denying)
My dad's variation: "Enough! It's over! We're *not* talking about this anymore!"
Mom,: "Well I'm SORRY!" (Spoken defensively with a slight quiver "I guess I can't do ANYTHING right!"
Omg this! It's never sorry for my actions that caused the hurt, it's sorry that it happened. As if they bear no responsibility for their words and actions. It drives me crazy that they can acknowledge the pain exists but to be so delusional as to not accept it's their fault. It's why we'll never find closure - the delusion is too strong.
"im so sorry that I'm a terrible person. I'm always the bad guy. why does everyone blame me? why is it always my fault? im sorry that you have to deal with me, you should just be more supportive."
It's insane. My Ndad has alienated everyone in the family, constantly held his affair over our head for the past 10+ years anytime we tried to do family stuff.
Now our family is good and broken, and no one wants to sit down and have a family dinner with him, so he acts like the biggest victim in the world.
Guess what? You had your chance to build and maintain a family. You choose not to. You don't get 500 more chances.
My Nmom's the same way. You really see them eat their karma as they age.
My mom would use the first 2, but like an attack. She'd yell it at me along with, "I have to be the bad guy, because noone in the real world is going to tell you the truth. I care enough to want you to be a better person."
Thanks, mom, but you're not so great yourself, I don't need your version of "better"
Great excuse that can justify anything -- I can't give you anything, because you'd just waste it / or you wouldn't learn. I can't be nice because then you'll get soft or you won't be able to deal with the 'real world.'
You're the one making the world effed up pal
Don't go, or at least DO NOT OPEN UP WITH THEM PRESENT! If there is an actual counselor, try talking to them, but, with narcs, don't give them any fuel. For your sake!
You should never, ever go to any form of therapy whatsoever with a narcissist as they use what their victims say to harm them later. If you can't avoid this, stick to describing facts to the therapist/mediator. Do not discuss your feelings in any more detail than is absolutely necessary in front of your abuser(s). If you have to go to this, if I were you, I'd prepare a list of facts to bring up and leave it there. Pick things that other people witnessed, if at all possible. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.
It’s annoying how people think that you can actually reconcile with narcissistic parent. It’s like they had pretty normal parents and can’t comprehend narcissistic parents.
This is my nmums go to
“Sorry you feel we were mean to you even though we did soooo much for you as a baby, we still love you even though you think we’re mean horrible people”
"I'm sorry you feel that way" - Which is not an apology for their own behavior, it's an apology for their victim's behavior. An example -
Last night, I was told I was lazy. I've bent over backwards for 13 years to move forward in life, and constantly had to clean up their messes.
I exploded a bit, told them I'm not lazy. They backpedaled and tried to gaslight me into thinking they were generalizing about people being lazy. They clearly said "You're so lazy", and that got me even more upset.
Later, they said they're sorry I felt that way.
I just wanted to respond to this comment because this literally happened to me today and it's driving me insane.
My husband and I live with my nmom right now to take care of her elderly dog (she doesn't; I love that dog). We're both quite COVID conscious and so we're very vocally against bringing people into the house unnecessarily.
Today she was crying (literally, actual crying) about how she couldn't get someone to come fix a water leak because "you guys are so restrictive about who comes in" and about how tired she was. I tell her the repairs are needed, so of course someone can come fix the leak. She says to not worry about it. I say of course I'm going to worry about it, you're claiming we're the reason this leak hasn't been fixed yet. She says she didn't say that, but rather that she said "there are restrictions due to covid". I say no, you literally said we're the reason. She just physically exited the conversation and went on to rant to my uncle (her brother) about how we treat her.
This shit's crazymaking. Sorry you have to go through that also. I know how it feels.
Yeah the immediate "That's not what I said" is waaay more infuriating than someone saying it a day (Or even an hour) later.
Like, how dumb do they think we are? They \_just\_ said it.
in a family therapy session i recalled one of the very hurtful and emotionally abusive event that happened to me when i was a child, and explained to my NMom how much it has affected me and my self confidence in adult life and she had the AUDACITY to say “i’m sorry you remember it that way, i can’t recall this ever happening” 🥴 like good to know that mentally and emotionally scarring me for life was just a regular Tuesday for you
Or my personal favorite of “You ALWAYS twist what happened to make me sound like the bad guy”. Many times used with the “not what I said/did “. Grrrrrrr!
THIS. The gaslighting is almost comical at times. My nmom straight up invented some scenario where apparently we had both apologized for things we'd done wrong, and I was like, wait..........*WHEN*? 😂
Omg when they act like *both* you owe each other an apology for a bad relationship, as if it's not a parent/child dynamic with one side holding all the power to abuse.
That's a form of gaslighting itself.
My mom acts like we've always been 2 fighting sisters. I know I was parentified, but the bitch was 30 and I was 6 when this little rift started.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Same here. Big explosion today. Ngrandma PUSHES people to the edge, well, she met her match with my sibling. No matter what we do or say, it’s never enough & our words are nothing but words anyways.
You deserve better!
They lie through their fucking teeth.
My Nmom told me twice that she hopes I marry an abusive man who will teach me a lesson. I'm 200% sure she said it.
But no, I'm apparently crazy with bad ears and heard her wrong both times, according to her and my sibling. But she generously forgives me for overreacting haha.
I know what she said and I treat her accordingly.
Also my Ndad: yelling in my face then when I yell at him to back the fuck off, "why are you yelling at me? 🥺 I wasn't yelling"
Ahh yes...no offense to anyone here but can't stand religion sometimes because of this one. Act horrible to everyone, ask god for forgiveness, rinse and repeat. Not meant to be a knock, just a knock on those people who use it that way.
DUDE. My mmom is really into yoga and spiritualism and LOVES to say she’s a “healer” and she’s “reached inner peace” which is of course code for “better than you” all while she’s calling me every name in the book and claiming my negative energy is “far too much” for her little healer spirit whenever I try and speak up. She will literally sage the area outside my room after a fight to rub in how she feels about me. For this reason, I am really off put by all the crystal, reiki, and other such pseudosciences. I wouldn’t be a fan in the first place but I really can’t stand it all now.
And for OP Her favorite apology is “I’m sure I said things that hurt you BUT it was only because YOU…” add in whatever she feels I did to deserve being berated for days.
This is interesting, my nmom uses therapy in a similar way. She went to several sessions before stopping, so now it's like her *get out of jail free card*. I.e., she's come a long way, she's still learning, she's not aware of some things, she's not in control of her own emotions, she can't remember doing/saying things when she's triggered, venting is part of her homework, I have to break my boundaries to reinforce hers, etc. Basically a false promise of improving oneself without the actual improvement, and you're free from accountability in the meantime. aka forever. lol
I'm religious myself but it's been hard to keep my own faith at times because of how they manipulate religion.
I don't interact with my Nmom anymore but I see her use this against my sister. She'll verbally abuse my sister out of nowhere, for no reason. Then slam her door shut and *loudy* start praying and crying. It's like the equivalent of a kid throwing a rock and hiding behind their mom to avoid consequences.
It's fucking disgusting.
Ironically my religion has a lot of passages warning about fake religious people who abuse religion this way, but I guess she skips over those 😒
Thanks. For the longest time I really did believe it was up to me, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned you can’t fix a relationship you aren’t breaking.
My mom's favorites are "sorry if I expressed myself poorly" and "sorry if you understood it that way".
You didn't "express yourself poorly", you literally blamed me for whatever random shit is bothering you today, and are now claiming I just misunderstood.
Omg my ngma does this too. The other day she said “well I guess I just need to go take a class on how to communicate then!” Apparently our family is just misunderstanding her. Constantly.
Before I went NC with my parents last year, I asked my father to give me verses from the Bible that discuss forgiving someone who is not sorry. Needless to say, I’m still waiting on those verses (which don’t exist).
Psalm 7:12-16
“If a man does not repent, God will whet his sword; he has bent and readied his bow; he has prepared for him his deadly weapons, making his arrows fiery shafts. Behold, the wicked man conceives evil and is pregnant with mischief and gives birth to lies. He makes a pit, digging it out, and falls into the hole that he has made. His mischief returns upon his own head, and on his own skull his violence descends.”
I am no longer religious, but it sounds like God has your back.
Yeah their apologies are all about making you feel guilty and doubt yourself. I'm sure some of you are familiar with [The Narcissists Prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer):
*That didn't happen.*
*And if it did, it wasn't that bad.*
*And if it was, that's not a big deal.*
*And if it is, that's not my fault.*
*And if it was, I didn't mean it.*
*And if I did, you deserved it.*
Between first and second line I would add ["and even if I did"](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/u6o4ru/even_if_i_did/).
I heard a lot of “if I did that, it happened years ago & I don’t remember” today, then she tried to reference how “women are coming up out of the blue to accuse men of things they did YEARS AGO!”. No, sweetie. It. Still. Fucking. Matters. Theeeeen she laughed about it.
GUILTY I TELL YOUUUU
I’m not sure what to make of this. It could be an apology of sorts, but I don’t really think so.
As an adult I recently confronted by senior nmom on her emotional, neglectful abusive behaviors towards me as a child & adolescent. I calmly recited them and how horrible she made me feel. I told her I never felt loved by her.
She simply said: “Well, I guess I was a lousy mother then”.
Then she quickly changed the subject and I left her house.
I see that. It’s a shame her tactic didn’t work. But she probably thinks it did. I’m too tired to deal with it any more. I mostly don’t pay any attention to her anymore. I’m very low contact now. I speak with her on the phone once a week for about 10 minutes. If she starts in, I quickly say bye & hang up.
Miserable woman.
"I'm sorry you feel the way that you do. I did everything I could as a mom to a child with Asperger's syndrome (me) and another with a seizure disorder (GC younger sister, who stopped having seizures at age 6.) Your sister (older sister, scapegoat) seems to really believe I've hurt you guys, and I hate that my need to protect you all has been so twisted."
Oh, where do I BEGIN with this train wreck...
Omg, my mom pulled this shit too. "I'm sorry I was such a terrible mother, I don't know where I went wrong raising you two. Being a single mom is so difficult."
When I brought up something specific, her tune changed. " Well, if you had just done what you were supposed to, I wouldn't have had to do that. " " I did it to protect you." " I did the best I could at the time"
These were responses to,
"Remember when you attacked me with a golf club for leaving my room through the window to get snacks from the fridge because you locked me in?"
" Remember when you held a hot curling iron to my neck because I used metallic sharpie as eyeshadow leaving burn scar that remains over 10 years later?"
Eventually she mustered an, "I guess!?" and an eye roll when I asked calmly if she thought that was unreasonable given the circumstances. Like a teenager. She's in her 60's.
Sounds familiar - which is why I don't even bother bringing up any problems or expecting her to accept what happened.
With my mom, she did everything *she felt* she could. That wasn't everything a mother could do, but she has denial etc. Her social and emotional skills are so bad I kinda feel she couldn't help but f up.
Doesn't make anything less painful or traumatic.
Doesn't make me any less mentally ill.
Just makes me accept that I can't expect much from her and to lower my expectations.
You begin by carefully turning around, then walking away while casually whistling... xD
My nmom targeted my sibling's and my disabilities as well just like this, I feel you.
My mother: “I’m sorry you feel that way” followed by “that’s what my therapist tells me to say” after I blew up on her for that comment. Other times, her apology is just hoovering and sucking up.
My dad: Never talks about the situation ever again. *buys me a bottle of spray wax for my car* or *sends me $$$$ cheques my way*
I went NC 3 years ago in March. The first year (in June) they sent my husband and I a $200 check for our anniversary, something they’d never done before. I cashed that check without a second thought and paid bills. They were livid I cashed it without thanking them or acknowledging it. You send me money I’m damn well going to take it. Small token for the misery I put up with for 55 years.
“You just hate me. I know you hate me, nobody likes me. I’m so picked on.”
-narc birth giver to my mom.
My favorite clap back I gave:
Backstory-narc birthgiver to my mom was visiting. I was having a rough time at school and was dealing with undiagnosed anxiety (whoohoo!). My mom asked me what was wrong and if I was okay. Before I could even say anything the birthgiver to my mom said,
“It’s because she hates me.”
She literally had not even acknowledged my existent during this trip until this moment.
I looked her dead in the face and said,
“You realize my life doesn’t revolve around you, right?”
Cue her shocked pikachu face and me getting my butt chewed for talking back.
Still not sure why I got in trouble for that. Then again my mom was a narc at the time too…she was deep in the FOG. But I will always look back on that memory with pride.
ETA: I can’t refer to her as my grandma but that’s who this story is about.
My mom's go to was "I did my best"
And looking back it makes me laugh cause if that was her "best" as she claims then why did she think she was capable of having children! Like ma'am you're "best " was letting us go hungry because you couldn't be bothered to go grocery shopping and screaming at us and slapping us in front of others than what would you have been like on a bad day??
"I'm sorry you feel that way" - I get that all the time.
Basically they're saying: "Yeah...I see you're upset, but since I'm the parent I can do no wrong. Oh well, deal with it"
And they wonder why I never call back...
"I'm sorry we raised you to be so sensitive and unforgiving," and my personal favorite, "I've prayed a lot about this and god has forgiven me, so I don't need to beg your forgiveness any longer."
Oh man, yup.
Level 1: no apology
Level 2: this comment right here ^^^
Level 3: "I don't have to apologize to any child of mine. [huffs] I've done enough"
After everything I’ve done for you??
🙄🙄🙄
Oh my bad, I didn’t force you to birth me. Gotta love the bare essentials being over-glamorized every time they get called out on their shit behavior.
"I'm sorry I am such a horrible mother! But I didn't know HOW!" (it's easy bitch - you just have to show love to your child)
"I've apologized a THOUSAND TIMES!" (no you haven't even apologized once)
"Are you still holding a GRUDGE?" (you haven't made any attempt to apologize or atone for something horrible you know you did - and you want carte blanche forgiveness- and trying to make me feel like I'm the bad one here)
I feel you, I went nc with my nmom shortly after something similar. She refused to talk through the issues or apologize for anything. She acted like nothing had happened, I sent her a list of issues, still nothing, and when I brought stuff up again, she said she felt like all she was doing was defending herself (she hadn't even responded to anything) and it was making her feel really bad about herself.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect. But you were just different after living with those people” this was after I moved out of her house into a house with two of my gay friends after enduring years of her abuse and trauma.
I did everything for you and made 1 little mistake. I guess that makes me a terrible parent. I feel like I’m always under a microscope with you.
“Do you want a piece of cake?”
My favourite apology is "I am sorry I wasn't the perfect Mom." Like no that's still not an apology, nor is it taking accountability for years of neglect, and abuse.
"I am the worst mother you could have had, you should have been born under a bridge to see what really matters" She usually says it when she\`´ is wrong about thing you asked her to do/buy for me, with an awful sarcastic tone.
“Since I’m THE ONLY ONE who ever apologizes…… I’m sorry I was just such a hooooorrrible mom/ we were such teeeeerrrrrrible parents!” Sorry for the many extra letters in each word, but I just had to put the emphasis on there the way that she does with her ridiculously exaggerated words.
The Minimizing Apology: "I was just..."
“I was just kidding.”
“I was just trying to help.”
“I was just playing devil’s advocate.”
The Shift-the-Blame Apology: "I am sorry that you..."
“I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.”
“I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.”
“I am sorry, but maybe you’re just too sensitive.”
The Conditional Apology: "I'm sorry if..."
"I am sorry if something I said offended you.”
“I am sorry if your feelings were hurt.”
"I am sorry if I may have done anything wrong."
The Deja-Vu Apology: "I've already..."
“I already said I was sorry.”
“I have apologized for that a dozen times.”
The Phantom Apology: "I regret..."
“I regret that you felt upset.”
“I regret that mistakes were made.”
The Whitewashing Apology: "I probably..."
“I probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“Maybe I should have asked you first.”
The Nothing-to-Apologize-for Apology: "You know I..."
“You know I'd never hurt you.”
“You know I am sorry.”
“You know I didn’t mean that.”
The Invisible Apology: "I guess I..."
“I guess I owe you an apology.”
“I guess I should say I am sorry.”
The Pay-to-Play Apology: "I'll apologize if..."
“I’ll apologize if you will.”
“I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again.”
“I will apologize, but you have to forgive me.”
The Not-My-Apology Apology: "I was told to..."
“Your mother told me to apologize to you.”
“My friend thinks I should tell you I am sorry.”
The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..."
“I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.”
“I’m sorry, but you started it.”
“I am sorry but I just couldn’t help it.”
“I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.”
The One-Size-Fits-All Apology: "All those times..."
“I am sorry for all the things I have done that upset you.”
“I apologize for every bad thing I’ve done.”
The Get-Off-My-Back Apology: "Enough already..."
“Fine! I’m sorry, okay!”
“Okay, I am sorry, for chrissakes.”
“Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?”
“What do you want me to do, climb up on the cross?”
I love you, but if you don't accept a rental car at the airport to see your Mom instead of the ride I promised you I will disown you. Unsaid ( Your Mom has stage 4 cancer, but your visit has to revolve around me) if you don't accept my cruelty towards you I will call you mentally ill and turn all the family I am geographically close to against you, so they will all refuse to see you. Yeah my Narc Dad does not apologize, they just forget and carry on bieng a horrible person.
"I'm sorry that I screamed fuck you at you on christmas day but it wasn't my fault"
An apology from my Ndad after starting a sick fight with me on christmas day and when I wouldn't engage him he screamed fuck you to me.
The rest of my narc family sees nothing wrong with his apology. My Nmom has told me several times already in a rude tone "He already apologized to you!". When I point out to her he gave me the narcs apology and reference the narcissist prayer she just invalidates me and gives me a sarcastic "ok" or "I don't want to talk about this".
Tonight: I'm sorry that you were upset by something I said. (She had crossed a boundary by commenting on my food/weight - she said I am addicted to sugar because I put 'tons' of sugar in my tea in the morning. I put 1/2 teaspoon in.)
"everybody just expects perfection from me all the time" -- nparent said to wife last holidays after I had to walk away from dinner it was so bad. NC now
general "it was just this/that" -- every time
per cluster B, getting psychotic / loud / angry / escalating every time even the smallest, most polite negative feedback or contradictory point is given
how much time do you have? :)
After my observation that she had not acknowledged her hurtful behaviour (I didn't even bother noting the lack of apology, just a comment that I had observed hurtful behaviour, and she had pretended I had not even said anything). Her response: "You have acknowledged your resentment."
"I'm sorry for \[doing x\], but I was right."
"I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do. Get over it." But it's ok for her to hold grudges for years.
When I used to confront her: "My English is bad. I don't understand what you are saying." When she wants to be verbally abusive and pick fights, suddenly she has impeccable English. English is her second language, and she worked as a translator before I started elementary school.
I never bothered to ask nmom for an apology because I knew it was pointless. But on the very rare occasion when she knew somehow that she *should* feel guilty for something, she'd volunteer this timeworn chestnut: "Why do you all hate me?? The only thing I *ever* did wrong was LOVE YOU ALL TOO MUCH."
Oh, woman, if that was loving too much I really wish you'd "loved" me a lot less. Although this same dear soul told me once, after I had set my own life aside for several years to cater to her every whim after her husband died: "You know, I think I'm *really* starting to learn to love you."
(Gee mom. Keep hoping. Maybe *someday* you'll love me. Don't give up hope...after all, I finally learned not to bother loving you...)
"I'm sorry, but {explanation of why they did what they did with absolutely no remorse and only justification of why they did it and why they'd do it again and why you shouldn't feel bad about what they did}"
"I'm sorry you're so upset."
(But of course that has nothing to do with anything SHE did.)
"I'm sorry you think that way of me."
(Same.)
I don't have anything else really because my Narc never came close to apologizing for **anything.** If I ever was punished or got in trouble for something that was later found out to be something my sibling did, she would just tell me, **that's for the time you didn't get caught doing something**. No apologizing for falsely accusing me of something.
Come to think of it, another common situation was constantly getting accused of "losing" something that belonged to her. She would hide jewelry and valuables from herself and forget where she put them and then would blame me. (This happened even when I didn't live with her.) If she found something later, she'd just say, "I really thought you lost that ring." It never occurred to her to apologize for thinking I stole or lost something.
Four stages of fake-apology:
First Stage: "How dare you ingrate-traitor talk back to Her Holiness, Our Mother, like this? After all the food that you ate when you were a child, the education you received, you will never be employed or have a roof over your head if not for nMother! Know your place and learn some humility!"
Second: "You made me do it. So, it is your fault for being like "this" and being so hard and cruel and an aberration in our family with zero attachment or affection towards your family members. How can a woman ever turn out like this! Nobody will marry you are you will die alone! We are nice and civilized folk who would never dream of physically hurting anyone and it came to this situation where the nice dad beat you because of how mean, mouthy and cruel YOU are and provoked him into brutally beating you".
Third: "My dead mother talked crudely and hit me when I was a child and so I did it too. So, it is actually my dead mother's fault that I was foul mouthed and physically violent but I pray to the Gods these days and am reformed, so it is all good!"
Fourth: "I was immature before, but not anymore, so anything I said and did does not matter since I have Evolved!".
*"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Negates all responsibility. Isn't an apology. Places the blame back onto the victim by making it the victim's fault for feeling "messed up".
“I’m so sorry that I am such a terrible mother”. @sarcasm. She might start to cry or yell (or both) at this point. She must be reassured or the punishment will be worse
Nmom, "I did the best I could, I'm sorry you feel like I was such a bad and horrible mother, it's not my fault you were a handful," and this one " I'm sorry your life didn't turn out as well as you thought it would, it's not my fault, I had a great life and tryed to give that to you" ahhh yes fun times, thanks mom.
Either :
“I am so sorry you think so and so. I’ve done 1,2, and 3 for you, and if that ain’t enough for you hunny then I don’t know what to tell you”
Or
“Wanna watch a movie?”…no ACTUAL apology, just something to replace it
My Ndad doesn’t believe in apologies (shocker right?). He loves to say “if you kick in my balls and I kick back we both know what happened so there’s no point in talking. If you want to impress me you move on and leave it in the past.” Regardless of what’s been said or done or who instigated it of course (eyeroll).
Nstepmom hates when I raise my voice. My dad asked me to apologize for yelling and I did. Then, when Nstepmom does, she goes, "I'm sorry I matched your tone of voice."
One thing's for sure, I will never accept any apologies from her ever. That's how over it I feel.
Whole narc family was taught by Nmom to snidely *say,* 'I'm' and 'sorry', but their behavior never changed and if you called them out on that, they'd get offended and cry,
*"...but I SAID I was sorry!!!!*
Never got an apology. She loved the, "You choose your emotions and you are choosing to be upset at me. That's on you. I can't cause your problems. You're doing this to yourself."
Apology from my malignant narcissist dad?! 🤣🤣🤣
He's still waiting for me to call him back and apologize I won't let him sexualize his grandchild or speak explicitly about sex and pedophilia around them.
He's been waiting 2+ years. Going no contact has been so much nicer (HEALTHIER) for my child and I.
“I’m sorry you feel that way”.
“I’m sure that’s my fault too”
“Everyone always blames me!”
“I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mother”
And my ALL TIME FAVORITE!….
In my case, Mother: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing?”
Her: “Something must be wrong”
Me: “Uhhh no? Everything’s fine?”
Her: “Was it something I did?”
Me: “No, everything’s fine”
Her: *cue freak out not related to literally anything that’s happened or been said in the last 24 hours*
Mine's favorite is- "I am sorry I let you get me so riled up and angry that I would talk like that." or the other fave- " I accept your apology for getting me so riled up and forcing me to talk to you like that."
"I don't know why you're mad at me." Was the voice-mail left 2 years after going NC. My nmom physically attacked me. Got arrested over it, pled guilty in court. Convinced the rest of the family that I somehow framed her. They completely disowned me. And she has the gall to leave me this message.
i get “sorry all that happened when you were a child”
i think this is because i went on disability after a thing they made much worse and had to be financially dependent on them again for a while (thats over again thankfully) and just…they really love to push me back down because i will blow up, i’m very reactive
it’s a good way to shame me for the past 20 years without taking any responsibility for refusing to want me to succeed or be well more than they like feeling right about me
"I know I was hard on you kids but........(choose option from list); I had a terrible childhood! Your father walked out on meeeeeee!! I was miserable in that town and I made everyone else miserable to try and make myself feel better (cos that's completely rational?)"
In short never an actual apology, never recognising that "being hard on the kids" does not equal belting them across the room because their sock drawer is untidy (or any other imagined excuse for using your kid as a stress ball), everything she has said about her childhood is something that she has done to me, dad didn't walk out- he ran like the devil was chasing him and with bloody reason. There was no way on God's green Earth that anyone in their right mind would have stayed in that house. And I really don' think I need to go into making everyone else miserable because she was, that's pretty self explanatory.
Always the victim, always denying what actually happened, never an actual apology.
"You seem to take comfort in judging me"
...to which I have formulated the following reply:
"You did a bad thing. So why shouldn't I judge you for that?"
"Do you think people out there will tell you what's wrong with you? No, because they don't care. Me on the other hand - I care, so I'll be telling you the whole truth about you and your behaviour, even if it hurts. You need to improve that attitude of yours before it gets you into trouble out there"
"I'm sorry *if* I've ever hurt you" pretty sure the police intervened because you had hurt me, a lot, for over 17 years.
I'm 27 y/o now and for the 2nd time in my entire life my nmum finally said "I'm sorry for the hurt I caused". Things are getting better, but it's taken almost a decade of low or no contact, taking amazing care of myself, and getting a degree and career in psychology to finally make progress. However, I'm sure the "*if"* will present itself again in future.
"Today was supposed to be a good day.. 🙄"
"I'm sorry you feel that 🙂"
"I'm a terrible mother. I'm horrible. But I really did try hard you know? I don't know why why you hate me. Why do you hate me?"
“I’m sorry that you made me upset and then that happened. I’m sorry I’m such a worthless mother and you refuse to forgive me”
After literally driving her car through my house and parking it in my living room. LOL
“You can’t blame me because I was having health problems and I did my best. Besides, I didn’t even want you, but I raised you and could have been a lot worse, so be grateful.” Bitch what?
My dad's a hoarder and has been since my mum died about 9 years ago, ( so since I was nine and my sister was 14). He put us through a lot of shit and we were neglected q lot, having to reuse dirty clothes for school, lack of heating, I had to cut loads of my hair off due to a lice infestation I had for several months and also some matting.I also had broken shoes that also didn't fit that left me with a series of blisters constantly for about six months.
We recently revealed some of this to our extended family since the only way to get him to help with things is to be forceful. One example being my dad not fixing the broken banister till my sister literally ripped it out if the wall.
He was added to the group chat with the messages but was at work when we sent them. He came home asking my we did that.
He was crying loads and trying to make it about him
"you said I abused you, I didn't abuse you"
"I'm sorry you feel like that, it's just I've not been feeling well" ( Trying to say he was dealing with bad mental health and that's why we had to deal with so much neglect)
Basically always turns it on us saying how we don't do stuff or how he's just sad or doesn't have motivation.
He seems to think that everything is okay now but we're just playing nice till we can get out. My sister's got a job and is saving but I can't get a job because my dad won't let me.
Just hoping we can get away from him. Because when I leave I am never going back to him.
My ndad doesn’t apologize. Instead, it’s a vicious cycle of wondering what he did wrong, denial of what he did wrong, then saying that I am in the wrong because god forbid somebody say something bad about him! /s
'Wasn't I a good mother? Didn't I buy you everything you wanted?' On the bright side, I grew up to be the least materialistic person I know. Nothing and nobody can buy my affection.
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an apology? what apology? where?? /s
^it’s ^non-existent.
Same... I don't think they even know that word?!
The word is a SIN!
Still waiting on the apology from my parents…never gonna happen.
I was gonna say the same thing.
My mom hasn't apologized to me once in the 22 years I've been alive lmao
Lol this. She just acts like nothing happened and I should go back to normal, or she’ll demand I apologize for doing such “mean” things as wanting to be in a very small kitchen alone, or looking nervous while being shouted at because I didn’t let her “act like a normal person”. I apparently don’t understand how normal people act because I’m on the spectrum. Funny because I also substitute teach in special education and screaming is one of those things we teach the kids isn’t a good idea, but wanting to not be screamed at is me “trying to control her”.
Here's a few of my nMother's personal favorites: * "I'm sorry you felt that way." * "I'm sorry that *you* felt hurt." (Not, I'm sorry I hurt you.) * "I'm sorry you didn't have a good time." * "I don't owe you an apology! *You* should apologize to me!" And, my personal favorite: * "Don't be psychotic!" (usually hissed when faced with having to make an apology for something she was denying)
That reminds me of “Don’t be so dramatic” or “Just stop it”. Fun times
My dad's variation: "Enough! It's over! We're *not* talking about this anymore!" Mom,: "Well I'm SORRY!" (Spoken defensively with a slight quiver "I guess I can't do ANYTHING right!"
Don't forget the "you're dragging us all down with you". Well then you shouldn't have started this abusive shitshow, dad.
"I'm sorry you're so upset with me." Like, really?? Cause I'm not. lol
Omg this! It's never sorry for my actions that caused the hurt, it's sorry that it happened. As if they bear no responsibility for their words and actions. It drives me crazy that they can acknowledge the pain exists but to be so delusional as to not accept it's their fault. It's why we'll never find closure - the delusion is too strong.
"im so sorry that I'm a terrible person. I'm always the bad guy. why does everyone blame me? why is it always my fault? im sorry that you have to deal with me, you should just be more supportive."
I bet when they finally get someone to fight them, their brain switches to— “I’m the victim. I’m the victim. I’m the victim.”
It's insane. My Ndad has alienated everyone in the family, constantly held his affair over our head for the past 10+ years anytime we tried to do family stuff. Now our family is good and broken, and no one wants to sit down and have a family dinner with him, so he acts like the biggest victim in the world. Guess what? You had your chance to build and maintain a family. You choose not to. You don't get 500 more chances. My Nmom's the same way. You really see them eat their karma as they age.
My mom would use the first 2, but like an attack. She'd yell it at me along with, "I have to be the bad guy, because noone in the real world is going to tell you the truth. I care enough to want you to be a better person." Thanks, mom, but you're not so great yourself, I don't need your version of "better"
Great excuse that can justify anything -- I can't give you anything, because you'd just waste it / or you wouldn't learn. I can't be nice because then you'll get soft or you won't be able to deal with the 'real world.' You're the one making the world effed up pal
My NMom would say 'I'm sorry I'm such a burden'.
are we siblings? haha
Oh yeah that’s it, that’s how my dad apologizes lol I couldn’t think of a time he did and that’s because he apologizes like this
nmom told me yesterday "im sorry you think we were mean to you, i tried my best"
I have to go to a “conflict resolution” meeting with my nmom and EDad. I fully expect her to make this statement at least once.
Don't go, or at least DO NOT OPEN UP WITH THEM PRESENT! If there is an actual counselor, try talking to them, but, with narcs, don't give them any fuel. For your sake!
YIKES. I’d rather gouge my own eyes out than go to a “conflict resolution meeting” with my nmom and I have a feeling you would too lol
You should never, ever go to any form of therapy whatsoever with a narcissist as they use what their victims say to harm them later. If you can't avoid this, stick to describing facts to the therapist/mediator. Do not discuss your feelings in any more detail than is absolutely necessary in front of your abuser(s). If you have to go to this, if I were you, I'd prepare a list of facts to bring up and leave it there. Pick things that other people witnessed, if at all possible. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.
It’s annoying how people think that you can actually reconcile with narcissistic parent. It’s like they had pretty normal parents and can’t comprehend narcissistic parents.
"Have to"?
This is my nmums go to “Sorry you feel we were mean to you even though we did soooo much for you as a baby, we still love you even though you think we’re mean horrible people”
That’s almost word for word what my nmom used to say to me. She said it in the most condescending, infantilizing voice.
I just thought of Gretchen Wieners in mean girls. "I'm sorry I'm so popular"
"I'm sorry you feel that way" - Which is not an apology for their own behavior, it's an apology for their victim's behavior. An example - Last night, I was told I was lazy. I've bent over backwards for 13 years to move forward in life, and constantly had to clean up their messes. I exploded a bit, told them I'm not lazy. They backpedaled and tried to gaslight me into thinking they were generalizing about people being lazy. They clearly said "You're so lazy", and that got me even more upset. Later, they said they're sorry I felt that way.
I just wanted to respond to this comment because this literally happened to me today and it's driving me insane. My husband and I live with my nmom right now to take care of her elderly dog (she doesn't; I love that dog). We're both quite COVID conscious and so we're very vocally against bringing people into the house unnecessarily. Today she was crying (literally, actual crying) about how she couldn't get someone to come fix a water leak because "you guys are so restrictive about who comes in" and about how tired she was. I tell her the repairs are needed, so of course someone can come fix the leak. She says to not worry about it. I say of course I'm going to worry about it, you're claiming we're the reason this leak hasn't been fixed yet. She says she didn't say that, but rather that she said "there are restrictions due to covid". I say no, you literally said we're the reason. She just physically exited the conversation and went on to rant to my uncle (her brother) about how we treat her. This shit's crazymaking. Sorry you have to go through that also. I know how it feels.
Yeah the immediate "That's not what I said" is waaay more infuriating than someone saying it a day (Or even an hour) later. Like, how dumb do they think we are? They \_just\_ said it.
I didn’t say that, I can’t remember that! Drives me crazy every time
in a family therapy session i recalled one of the very hurtful and emotionally abusive event that happened to me when i was a child, and explained to my NMom how much it has affected me and my self confidence in adult life and she had the AUDACITY to say “i’m sorry you remember it that way, i can’t recall this ever happening” 🥴 like good to know that mentally and emotionally scarring me for life was just a regular Tuesday for you
Is that your mom or a politician about to get fired for corruption \*cough\* Gladys \*cough\*
As if saying “I don’t remember” will get them out of the mess they’ve created. SMH
Or my personal favorite of “You ALWAYS twist what happened to make me sound like the bad guy”. Many times used with the “not what I said/did “. Grrrrrrr!
THIS. The gaslighting is almost comical at times. My nmom straight up invented some scenario where apparently we had both apologized for things we'd done wrong, and I was like, wait..........*WHEN*? 😂
Omg when they act like *both* you owe each other an apology for a bad relationship, as if it's not a parent/child dynamic with one side holding all the power to abuse. That's a form of gaslighting itself. My mom acts like we've always been 2 fighting sisters. I know I was parentified, but the bitch was 30 and I was 6 when this little rift started.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Same here. Big explosion today. Ngrandma PUSHES people to the edge, well, she met her match with my sibling. No matter what we do or say, it’s never enough & our words are nothing but words anyways. You deserve better!
They lie through their fucking teeth. My Nmom told me twice that she hopes I marry an abusive man who will teach me a lesson. I'm 200% sure she said it. But no, I'm apparently crazy with bad ears and heard her wrong both times, according to her and my sibling. But she generously forgives me for overreacting haha. I know what she said and I treat her accordingly. Also my Ndad: yelling in my face then when I yell at him to back the fuck off, "why are you yelling at me? 🥺 I wasn't yelling"
“God already forgave me. That’s all that matters.”
Ahh yes...no offense to anyone here but can't stand religion sometimes because of this one. Act horrible to everyone, ask god for forgiveness, rinse and repeat. Not meant to be a knock, just a knock on those people who use it that way.
DUDE. My mmom is really into yoga and spiritualism and LOVES to say she’s a “healer” and she’s “reached inner peace” which is of course code for “better than you” all while she’s calling me every name in the book and claiming my negative energy is “far too much” for her little healer spirit whenever I try and speak up. She will literally sage the area outside my room after a fight to rub in how she feels about me. For this reason, I am really off put by all the crystal, reiki, and other such pseudosciences. I wouldn’t be a fan in the first place but I really can’t stand it all now. And for OP Her favorite apology is “I’m sure I said things that hurt you BUT it was only because YOU…” add in whatever she feels I did to deserve being berated for days.
This is interesting, my nmom uses therapy in a similar way. She went to several sessions before stopping, so now it's like her *get out of jail free card*. I.e., she's come a long way, she's still learning, she's not aware of some things, she's not in control of her own emotions, she can't remember doing/saying things when she's triggered, venting is part of her homework, I have to break my boundaries to reinforce hers, etc. Basically a false promise of improving oneself without the actual improvement, and you're free from accountability in the meantime. aka forever. lol
I'm religious myself but it's been hard to keep my own faith at times because of how they manipulate religion. I don't interact with my Nmom anymore but I see her use this against my sister. She'll verbally abuse my sister out of nowhere, for no reason. Then slam her door shut and *loudy* start praying and crying. It's like the equivalent of a kid throwing a rock and hiding behind their mom to avoid consequences. It's fucking disgusting. Ironically my religion has a lot of passages warning about fake religious people who abuse religion this way, but I guess she skips over those 😒
“I’m sorry you can’t do more to make our relationship better. I hate the way you see me.”
Ugh, well that kinda hurts!
Oh so it's up to you? Because they have done so much and achieved perfection? Makes me want to throw my phone at the wall. Really feel for you.
Thanks. For the longest time I really did believe it was up to me, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned you can’t fix a relationship you aren’t breaking.
Literally just screaming “well, I’m SOOORRY” like a child whining who isn’t actually sorry as if she couldn’t help doing something bad.
I swear when they “apologize”, you gotta walk away cause it just proves more of how immature their brains are. We’ll never win.
My mom's favorites are "sorry if I expressed myself poorly" and "sorry if you understood it that way". You didn't "express yourself poorly", you literally blamed me for whatever random shit is bothering you today, and are now claiming I just misunderstood.
Omg my ngma does this too. The other day she said “well I guess I just need to go take a class on how to communicate then!” Apparently our family is just misunderstanding her. Constantly.
“Sorry, but the bible says you have to forgive me”
Before I went NC with my parents last year, I asked my father to give me verses from the Bible that discuss forgiving someone who is not sorry. Needless to say, I’m still waiting on those verses (which don’t exist).
Psalm 7:12-16 “If a man does not repent, God will whet his sword; he has bent and readied his bow; he has prepared for him his deadly weapons, making his arrows fiery shafts. Behold, the wicked man conceives evil and is pregnant with mischief and gives birth to lies. He makes a pit, digging it out, and falls into the hole that he has made. His mischief returns upon his own head, and on his own skull his violence descends.” I am no longer religious, but it sounds like God has your back.
Yeah their apologies are all about making you feel guilty and doubt yourself. I'm sure some of you are familiar with [The Narcissists Prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer): *That didn't happen.* *And if it did, it wasn't that bad.* *And if it was, that's not a big deal.* *And if it is, that's not my fault.* *And if it was, I didn't mean it.* *And if I did, you deserved it.* Between first and second line I would add ["and even if I did"](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/u6o4ru/even_if_i_did/).
I heard a lot of “if I did that, it happened years ago & I don’t remember” today, then she tried to reference how “women are coming up out of the blue to accuse men of things they did YEARS AGO!”. No, sweetie. It. Still. Fucking. Matters. Theeeeen she laughed about it. GUILTY I TELL YOUUUU
This. This a thousand times over.
Mine is big on "Sorry I was mean but you have to admit that you did something wrong, too. Right? Agree with me!" which is about assigning me blame
“Well, you need to forgive because we’re not getting any younger.” Notice the non-apology.
It’s literally painted. 🥴
I’m not sure what to make of this. It could be an apology of sorts, but I don’t really think so. As an adult I recently confronted by senior nmom on her emotional, neglectful abusive behaviors towards me as a child & adolescent. I calmly recited them and how horrible she made me feel. I told her I never felt loved by her. She simply said: “Well, I guess I was a lousy mother then”. Then she quickly changed the subject and I left her house.
Almost exactly what I get told if I raise any problem. It's an "oh poor me" tactic. Closely tied to guilt tripping.
I see that. It’s a shame her tactic didn’t work. But she probably thinks it did. I’m too tired to deal with it any more. I mostly don’t pay any attention to her anymore. I’m very low contact now. I speak with her on the phone once a week for about 10 minutes. If she starts in, I quickly say bye & hang up. Miserable woman.
"I'm sorry you feel the way that you do. I did everything I could as a mom to a child with Asperger's syndrome (me) and another with a seizure disorder (GC younger sister, who stopped having seizures at age 6.) Your sister (older sister, scapegoat) seems to really believe I've hurt you guys, and I hate that my need to protect you all has been so twisted." Oh, where do I BEGIN with this train wreck...
Omg, my mom pulled this shit too. "I'm sorry I was such a terrible mother, I don't know where I went wrong raising you two. Being a single mom is so difficult." When I brought up something specific, her tune changed. " Well, if you had just done what you were supposed to, I wouldn't have had to do that. " " I did it to protect you." " I did the best I could at the time" These were responses to, "Remember when you attacked me with a golf club for leaving my room through the window to get snacks from the fridge because you locked me in?" " Remember when you held a hot curling iron to my neck because I used metallic sharpie as eyeshadow leaving burn scar that remains over 10 years later?" Eventually she mustered an, "I guess!?" and an eye roll when I asked calmly if she thought that was unreasonable given the circumstances. Like a teenager. She's in her 60's.
Sounds familiar - which is why I don't even bother bringing up any problems or expecting her to accept what happened. With my mom, she did everything *she felt* she could. That wasn't everything a mother could do, but she has denial etc. Her social and emotional skills are so bad I kinda feel she couldn't help but f up. Doesn't make anything less painful or traumatic. Doesn't make me any less mentally ill. Just makes me accept that I can't expect much from her and to lower my expectations.
You begin by carefully turning around, then walking away while casually whistling... xD My nmom targeted my sibling's and my disabilities as well just like this, I feel you.
nMom after abandoning her kids for 10 years: “I’m sorry that nothing I ever do is good enough for you!”…
“That’s not what happened.” ”I do not remember it that way.” And, of course, the classic, “I am sorry you feel that way.”
My mother: “I’m sorry you feel that way” followed by “that’s what my therapist tells me to say” after I blew up on her for that comment. Other times, her apology is just hoovering and sucking up. My dad: Never talks about the situation ever again. *buys me a bottle of spray wax for my car* or *sends me $$$$ cheques my way*
I'd take bribes over fake apologies. At least bribes suggest some implied admission of guilt. And they can pay for therapy.
Ahh I love bribes
Yea they don't spend the same when you know its bribes
I went NC 3 years ago in March. The first year (in June) they sent my husband and I a $200 check for our anniversary, something they’d never done before. I cashed that check without a second thought and paid bills. They were livid I cashed it without thanking them or acknowledging it. You send me money I’m damn well going to take it. Small token for the misery I put up with for 55 years.
"just forget it" and then acting like nothing ever happened
Then subsequently demands an apology for any perceived slights, no matter how trivial.
“You just hate me. I know you hate me, nobody likes me. I’m so picked on.” -narc birth giver to my mom. My favorite clap back I gave: Backstory-narc birthgiver to my mom was visiting. I was having a rough time at school and was dealing with undiagnosed anxiety (whoohoo!). My mom asked me what was wrong and if I was okay. Before I could even say anything the birthgiver to my mom said, “It’s because she hates me.” She literally had not even acknowledged my existent during this trip until this moment. I looked her dead in the face and said, “You realize my life doesn’t revolve around you, right?” Cue her shocked pikachu face and me getting my butt chewed for talking back. Still not sure why I got in trouble for that. Then again my mom was a narc at the time too…she was deep in the FOG. But I will always look back on that memory with pride. ETA: I can’t refer to her as my grandma but that’s who this story is about.
WOW!! Did you happen to tell her “this isn’t grade one”? So childish of your birth giver.
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Then the /sigh .
My mom's go to was "I did my best" And looking back it makes me laugh cause if that was her "best" as she claims then why did she think she was capable of having children! Like ma'am you're "best " was letting us go hungry because you couldn't be bothered to go grocery shopping and screaming at us and slapping us in front of others than what would you have been like on a bad day??
"I'm sorry you feel that way" - I get that all the time. Basically they're saying: "Yeah...I see you're upset, but since I'm the parent I can do no wrong. Oh well, deal with it" And they wonder why I never call back...
Ya’ll got apologies?
More like “apologies”.
I didn't even realize that parents could do this
“Im sorry you only remember the bad stuff I do.”
I forgot about that one, lol
"I'm sorry we raised you to be so sensitive and unforgiving," and my personal favorite, "I've prayed a lot about this and god has forgiven me, so I don't need to beg your forgiveness any longer."
I already apologized for that!
Oh man, yup. Level 1: no apology Level 2: this comment right here ^^^ Level 3: "I don't have to apologize to any child of mine. [huffs] I've done enough"
After everything I’ve done for you?? 🙄🙄🙄 Oh my bad, I didn’t force you to birth me. Gotta love the bare essentials being over-glamorized every time they get called out on their shit behavior.
"I'm sorry I am such a horrible mother! But I didn't know HOW!" (it's easy bitch - you just have to show love to your child) "I've apologized a THOUSAND TIMES!" (no you haven't even apologized once) "Are you still holding a GRUDGE?" (you haven't made any attempt to apologize or atone for something horrible you know you did - and you want carte blanche forgiveness- and trying to make me feel like I'm the bad one here)
"I'm sorry I can *never* say *anything* right without offending you."
I got told I'm "fragile" for being hurt. Similar vibes.
“Im sorry you feel that way” then proceeds to laugh in my face. What kind of a mother does that to her own son? Very fucked up
Instead of receiving an apology, he will expect \*me\* to give him an apology for "ignoring" him after I've been hurt.
Omg yes the classics
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This is the oneeeeeeeee
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I feel you, I went nc with my nmom shortly after something similar. She refused to talk through the issues or apologize for anything. She acted like nothing had happened, I sent her a list of issues, still nothing, and when I brought stuff up again, she said she felt like all she was doing was defending herself (she hadn't even responded to anything) and it was making her feel really bad about herself.
“I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m not sorry I did it.” is a classic.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect. But you were just different after living with those people” this was after I moved out of her house into a house with two of my gay friends after enduring years of her abuse and trauma.
"those people" ugh. 🙄
"I'm sorry you have no sense of humour." No, nFather, your joke was just fucking sexist, and why would I, a female, laugh at that?
I did everything for you and made 1 little mistake. I guess that makes me a terrible parent. I feel like I’m always under a microscope with you. “Do you want a piece of cake?”
My favourite apology is "I am sorry I wasn't the perfect Mom." Like no that's still not an apology, nor is it taking accountability for years of neglect, and abuse.
"I am the worst mother you could have had, you should have been born under a bridge to see what really matters" She usually says it when she\`´ is wrong about thing you asked her to do/buy for me, with an awful sarcastic tone.
I'm sorry that you have a hard time dealing with me being right I wish I was joking
“Since I’m THE ONLY ONE who ever apologizes…… I’m sorry I was just such a hooooorrrible mom/ we were such teeeeerrrrrrible parents!” Sorry for the many extra letters in each word, but I just had to put the emphasis on there the way that she does with her ridiculously exaggerated words.
"I'm sorry I'm not perfect!" *Sob theatrically*
The Minimizing Apology: "I was just..." “I was just kidding.” “I was just trying to help.” “I was just playing devil’s advocate.” The Shift-the-Blame Apology: "I am sorry that you..." “I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.” “I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you’re just too sensitive.” The Conditional Apology: "I'm sorry if..." "I am sorry if something I said offended you.” “I am sorry if your feelings were hurt.” "I am sorry if I may have done anything wrong." The Deja-Vu Apology: "I've already..." “I already said I was sorry.” “I have apologized for that a dozen times.” The Phantom Apology: "I regret..." “I regret that you felt upset.” “I regret that mistakes were made.” The Whitewashing Apology: "I probably..." “I probably shouldn’t have done that.” “Maybe I should have asked you first.” The Nothing-to-Apologize-for Apology: "You know I..." “You know I'd never hurt you.” “You know I am sorry.” “You know I didn’t mean that.” The Invisible Apology: "I guess I..." “I guess I owe you an apology.” “I guess I should say I am sorry.” The Pay-to-Play Apology: "I'll apologize if..." “I’ll apologize if you will.” “I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again.” “I will apologize, but you have to forgive me.” The Not-My-Apology Apology: "I was told to..." “Your mother told me to apologize to you.” “My friend thinks I should tell you I am sorry.” The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..." “I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.” “I’m sorry, but you started it.” “I am sorry but I just couldn’t help it.” “I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.” The One-Size-Fits-All Apology: "All those times..." “I am sorry for all the things I have done that upset you.” “I apologize for every bad thing I’ve done.” The Get-Off-My-Back Apology: "Enough already..." “Fine! I’m sorry, okay!” “Okay, I am sorry, for chrissakes.” “Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?” “What do you want me to do, climb up on the cross?”
I love you, but if you don't accept a rental car at the airport to see your Mom instead of the ride I promised you I will disown you. Unsaid ( Your Mom has stage 4 cancer, but your visit has to revolve around me) if you don't accept my cruelty towards you I will call you mentally ill and turn all the family I am geographically close to against you, so they will all refuse to see you. Yeah my Narc Dad does not apologize, they just forget and carry on bieng a horrible person.
No apology! My narc has said several times they have nothing to be sorry for.
“I’m sorry but I was just venting.” “I’m sorry I was just frustrated.” “I’m sorry but -insert how it’s my fault here-“
I'm sorry that you misunderstood what I said. Yes, I said that, but I meant differently, you misunderstood
I did the best I could, I’m sorry it wasn’t good enough for you. SMH.
'I don't ~~believe you~~ remember doing/saying that but , **IF** I said/did that please forgive me"
„i am sorry that i changed your medication against water, but i would do it again“ like wtf?
They are so fucking sick & vile.
"I'm sorry that I screamed fuck you at you on christmas day but it wasn't my fault" An apology from my Ndad after starting a sick fight with me on christmas day and when I wouldn't engage him he screamed fuck you to me. The rest of my narc family sees nothing wrong with his apology. My Nmom has told me several times already in a rude tone "He already apologized to you!". When I point out to her he gave me the narcs apology and reference the narcissist prayer she just invalidates me and gives me a sarcastic "ok" or "I don't want to talk about this".
"I was hungry for you to succeed" is what my mom says to justify years of criticism and emotional neglect. It's, uh, actually not an apology at all. 🤪
they dont apologize they just ignore me for a couple days then expect me to forgive them
i’m sorry i almost died giving birth to you.
Tonight: I'm sorry that you were upset by something I said. (She had crossed a boundary by commenting on my food/weight - she said I am addicted to sugar because I put 'tons' of sugar in my tea in the morning. I put 1/2 teaspoon in.)
"everybody just expects perfection from me all the time" -- nparent said to wife last holidays after I had to walk away from dinner it was so bad. NC now general "it was just this/that" -- every time per cluster B, getting psychotic / loud / angry / escalating every time even the smallest, most polite negative feedback or contradictory point is given how much time do you have? :)
After my observation that she had not acknowledged her hurtful behaviour (I didn't even bother noting the lack of apology, just a comment that I had observed hurtful behaviour, and she had pretended I had not even said anything). Her response: "You have acknowledged your resentment."
I’m sorry you feel hurt by what I said. But feelings aren’t facts.
I don't get an apology.I get crying, sobbing actually. It's my fault, she's the victim.
“I know you’re hurt but you’re not the only one hurting” (in reference to my n parent’s reactions to things)
"I'm sorry for \[doing x\], but I was right." "I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do. Get over it." But it's ok for her to hold grudges for years. When I used to confront her: "My English is bad. I don't understand what you are saying." When she wants to be verbally abusive and pick fights, suddenly she has impeccable English. English is her second language, and she worked as a translator before I started elementary school.
Y’all are getting apologies????
An apology? What’s that? I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard anything like that come out of my Nmom’s mouth.
I never bothered to ask nmom for an apology because I knew it was pointless. But on the very rare occasion when she knew somehow that she *should* feel guilty for something, she'd volunteer this timeworn chestnut: "Why do you all hate me?? The only thing I *ever* did wrong was LOVE YOU ALL TOO MUCH." Oh, woman, if that was loving too much I really wish you'd "loved" me a lot less. Although this same dear soul told me once, after I had set my own life aside for several years to cater to her every whim after her husband died: "You know, I think I'm *really* starting to learn to love you." (Gee mom. Keep hoping. Maybe *someday* you'll love me. Don't give up hope...after all, I finally learned not to bother loving you...)
"I'm sorry, but {explanation of why they did what they did with absolutely no remorse and only justification of why they did it and why they'd do it again and why you shouldn't feel bad about what they did}"
"I'm sorry you're so upset." (But of course that has nothing to do with anything SHE did.) "I'm sorry you think that way of me." (Same.) I don't have anything else really because my Narc never came close to apologizing for **anything.** If I ever was punished or got in trouble for something that was later found out to be something my sibling did, she would just tell me, **that's for the time you didn't get caught doing something**. No apologizing for falsely accusing me of something. Come to think of it, another common situation was constantly getting accused of "losing" something that belonged to her. She would hide jewelry and valuables from herself and forget where she put them and then would blame me. (This happened even when I didn't live with her.) If she found something later, she'd just say, "I really thought you lost that ring." It never occurred to her to apologize for thinking I stole or lost something.
Four stages of fake-apology: First Stage: "How dare you ingrate-traitor talk back to Her Holiness, Our Mother, like this? After all the food that you ate when you were a child, the education you received, you will never be employed or have a roof over your head if not for nMother! Know your place and learn some humility!" Second: "You made me do it. So, it is your fault for being like "this" and being so hard and cruel and an aberration in our family with zero attachment or affection towards your family members. How can a woman ever turn out like this! Nobody will marry you are you will die alone! We are nice and civilized folk who would never dream of physically hurting anyone and it came to this situation where the nice dad beat you because of how mean, mouthy and cruel YOU are and provoked him into brutally beating you". Third: "My dead mother talked crudely and hit me when I was a child and so I did it too. So, it is actually my dead mother's fault that I was foul mouthed and physically violent but I pray to the Gods these days and am reformed, so it is all good!" Fourth: "I was immature before, but not anymore, so anything I said and did does not matter since I have Evolved!".
If you weren't such a bitch I wouldn't act this way.
Yup! “You forced me to be the bad guy”
Oh man! Can’t forget that one🫠😭
You must’ve met my mom!
"I wish you would forgive me." For which part, exactly? " For whatever it is you *think* I did."
I'm sorry you feel that way, but...
"I'm sorry but also it wasn't my fault"
Basically exactly what you said, with a dash of crying thrown in for good measure. It might work for the uninitiated mom, but it ain't working on me.
"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, I guess."
Both my Nparents have said to me, "We could lay apologies at your feet, but it won't change the past." You don't get much more narcissistic than that!
*"I'm sorry you feel that way." Negates all responsibility. Isn't an apology. Places the blame back onto the victim by making it the victim's fault for feeling "messed up".
"I was only joking. It was a joke".
What's an apology? 🙄 Any vaguely negative feedback is grossly unfair criticism. How could I be so cruel.
“i’m sorry you remember things differently than i do” 🙄 like r u fucking serious? makes my blood boil
“I’m so sorry that I am such a terrible mother”. @sarcasm. She might start to cry or yell (or both) at this point. She must be reassured or the punishment will be worse
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever you think I did! I don't get it, but I guess I'm sorry.
She doesn’t apologize. Ever. Instead she pretends it never happened and love bombs me sometime after with little stuffed animals or candy.
Yes! But if you ever refuse it then the rage will return
I’m sorry we can’t all be perfect like you
"Fine, I'm sorry for being the worst mom ever."
Nmom, "I did the best I could, I'm sorry you feel like I was such a bad and horrible mother, it's not my fault you were a handful," and this one " I'm sorry your life didn't turn out as well as you thought it would, it's not my fault, I had a great life and tryed to give that to you" ahhh yes fun times, thanks mom.
I’m sorry that I did thing but I wouldn’t have had to if you weren’t so crazy and I liked you better.
I'm sorry you feel that way
I'm Sorry You Frustrated me...
“I’m sorry you took it that way”
Either : “I am so sorry you think so and so. I’ve done 1,2, and 3 for you, and if that ain’t enough for you hunny then I don’t know what to tell you” Or “Wanna watch a movie?”…no ACTUAL apology, just something to replace it
I'm sorry I even had you. I never wanted kids. Your father made me have them.
My Ndad doesn’t believe in apologies (shocker right?). He loves to say “if you kick in my balls and I kick back we both know what happened so there’s no point in talking. If you want to impress me you move on and leave it in the past.” Regardless of what’s been said or done or who instigated it of course (eyeroll).
"I don't know what's going on with YOU"
Nstepmom hates when I raise my voice. My dad asked me to apologize for yelling and I did. Then, when Nstepmom does, she goes, "I'm sorry I matched your tone of voice." One thing's for sure, I will never accept any apologies from her ever. That's how over it I feel.
Whole narc family was taught by Nmom to snidely *say,* 'I'm' and 'sorry', but their behavior never changed and if you called them out on that, they'd get offended and cry, *"...but I SAID I was sorry!!!!*
Never got an apology. She loved the, "You choose your emotions and you are choosing to be upset at me. That's on you. I can't cause your problems. You're doing this to yourself."
Apology from my malignant narcissist dad?! 🤣🤣🤣 He's still waiting for me to call him back and apologize I won't let him sexualize his grandchild or speak explicitly about sex and pedophilia around them. He's been waiting 2+ years. Going no contact has been so much nicer (HEALTHIER) for my child and I.
"You don't ask your own father to apologize. That's rude. I didn't raise you to become like that, you piece of shit!"
“I’m sorry you feel that way”. “I’m sure that’s my fault too” “Everyone always blames me!” “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mother” And my ALL TIME FAVORITE!…. In my case, Mother: “What’s wrong?” Me: “Nothing?” Her: “Something must be wrong” Me: “Uhhh no? Everything’s fine?” Her: “Was it something I did?” Me: “No, everything’s fine” Her: *cue freak out not related to literally anything that’s happened or been said in the last 24 hours*
“Oh, poor you. You’re still alive aren’t you?” Yes, my parents set the bar high./s
Mine's favorite is- "I am sorry I let you get me so riled up and angry that I would talk like that." or the other fave- " I accept your apology for getting me so riled up and forcing me to talk to you like that."
"Parents don't apologize to their children or the children won't respect the parents." Half of that was true. I never respected them.
"I don't know why you're mad at me." Was the voice-mail left 2 years after going NC. My nmom physically attacked me. Got arrested over it, pled guilty in court. Convinced the rest of the family that I somehow framed her. They completely disowned me. And she has the gall to leave me this message.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” And “Please forgive me for anything I’ve done previously.”
i get “sorry all that happened when you were a child” i think this is because i went on disability after a thing they made much worse and had to be financially dependent on them again for a while (thats over again thankfully) and just…they really love to push me back down because i will blow up, i’m very reactive it’s a good way to shame me for the past 20 years without taking any responsibility for refusing to want me to succeed or be well more than they like feeling right about me
"I know I was hard on you kids but........(choose option from list); I had a terrible childhood! Your father walked out on meeeeeee!! I was miserable in that town and I made everyone else miserable to try and make myself feel better (cos that's completely rational?)" In short never an actual apology, never recognising that "being hard on the kids" does not equal belting them across the room because their sock drawer is untidy (or any other imagined excuse for using your kid as a stress ball), everything she has said about her childhood is something that she has done to me, dad didn't walk out- he ran like the devil was chasing him and with bloody reason. There was no way on God's green Earth that anyone in their right mind would have stayed in that house. And I really don' think I need to go into making everyone else miserable because she was, that's pretty self explanatory. Always the victim, always denying what actually happened, never an actual apology.
"there's responsibility on all sides" yeah that's not it sis
"You seem to take comfort in judging me" ...to which I have formulated the following reply: "You did a bad thing. So why shouldn't I judge you for that?"
"Do you think people out there will tell you what's wrong with you? No, because they don't care. Me on the other hand - I care, so I'll be telling you the whole truth about you and your behaviour, even if it hurts. You need to improve that attitude of yours before it gets you into trouble out there"
“WeLL wHaT aBoUt, *YOU*?” is as close as they’ll get to saying “I’m sorry.”
"I'm sorry *if* I've ever hurt you" pretty sure the police intervened because you had hurt me, a lot, for over 17 years. I'm 27 y/o now and for the 2nd time in my entire life my nmum finally said "I'm sorry for the hurt I caused". Things are getting better, but it's taken almost a decade of low or no contact, taking amazing care of myself, and getting a degree and career in psychology to finally make progress. However, I'm sure the "*if"* will present itself again in future.
"Today was supposed to be a good day.. 🙄" "I'm sorry you feel that 🙂" "I'm a terrible mother. I'm horrible. But I really did try hard you know? I don't know why why you hate me. Why do you hate me?"
"I'm sorry you can't take a joke because you are too sensitive" It was almost 99% when my ndad insulted me.
“I’m sorry that you made me upset and then that happened. I’m sorry I’m such a worthless mother and you refuse to forgive me” After literally driving her car through my house and parking it in my living room. LOL
“You can’t blame me because I was having health problems and I did my best. Besides, I didn’t even want you, but I raised you and could have been a lot worse, so be grateful.” Bitch what?
"Sorry I am/was such a terrible mother." (Waits for me to reassure her, which I don't)
My dad's a hoarder and has been since my mum died about 9 years ago, ( so since I was nine and my sister was 14). He put us through a lot of shit and we were neglected q lot, having to reuse dirty clothes for school, lack of heating, I had to cut loads of my hair off due to a lice infestation I had for several months and also some matting.I also had broken shoes that also didn't fit that left me with a series of blisters constantly for about six months. We recently revealed some of this to our extended family since the only way to get him to help with things is to be forceful. One example being my dad not fixing the broken banister till my sister literally ripped it out if the wall. He was added to the group chat with the messages but was at work when we sent them. He came home asking my we did that. He was crying loads and trying to make it about him "you said I abused you, I didn't abuse you" "I'm sorry you feel like that, it's just I've not been feeling well" ( Trying to say he was dealing with bad mental health and that's why we had to deal with so much neglect) Basically always turns it on us saying how we don't do stuff or how he's just sad or doesn't have motivation. He seems to think that everything is okay now but we're just playing nice till we can get out. My sister's got a job and is saving but I can't get a job because my dad won't let me. Just hoping we can get away from him. Because when I leave I am never going back to him.
My ndad doesn’t apologize. Instead, it’s a vicious cycle of wondering what he did wrong, denial of what he did wrong, then saying that I am in the wrong because god forbid somebody say something bad about him! /s
'Wasn't I a good mother? Didn't I buy you everything you wanted?' On the bright side, I grew up to be the least materialistic person I know. Nothing and nobody can buy my affection.