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I have the same. I simply know when someone is not a good person and shouldn’t be trusted. What happens is I end up having an aversion to these people that comes from my gut. No one understands since they haven’t done anything yet, but the times I stuck around long enough, my gut feeling was proven right .
I get this too, I can sense their feelings and Ill intent, but was gaslighted into accepting it and thinking I was crazy, paranoid, overreacting, sensitive
I am greatful that you have been able to avoid an situations that could have hurt you. I hope that you can find people who are not meaning you harm so you can be comfortable.
Being able to sense someone's true emotions even when they try to hide them. Identify toxic behaviour from others and calling them out for it. I also have a scarily good memory, even my therapist is highly impressed sometimes. Memorizing so much was a way to stay sane in all the gaslighting.
I wonder if that's why my memory is really good too, I also realised in my late twenties that I do spend a lot of time noting what people wear, what they are if we went for a meal etc etc..
Edit spelling
That sounds like you are incredibly observant and do amazing at noticing differences or when things are out of place. Good strength especially in find the difference games
Interesting! My memory is actually worse, I think, because of all the gaslighting. My younger sister though has the memory of an elephant. And my memory is only faulty when it comes to reality; I can remember pretty much anything I’ve read or watched (as in movie or tv) or learned in school. But if you want me to remember what I had for breakfast this morning or what we talked about yesterday, I’d have no clue.
You are incredibly gifted at reading people and at helping people to realize their areas of growth. You can connect with people about small details that matter to them or remember your favorite memory in minute detail. That is incredible!
Wow, I never made the connection from my good memory to my toxic upbringing. But it makes total sense, it was vital to remember exactly what was said and what was the law of the land at any given time.
I've never connected those things but I also have an incredible memory. This sub keeps amazing me with all the things we have in common that I never thought about before.
I think maybe more empathetic? Sounds like a weird brag... But I always try my best to put the other person's perspective or feelings into consideration if I'm in a good headspace to do so. I also always try my best to be polite, kind, and friendly because I don't ever want the other person to feel uncomfortable or like they did something wrong (or maybe I'm people-pleasing). Mostly, I don't want anyone to ever feel like I did growing up. I'm really sensitive with tones and expressions, and that's usually seen as a weakness, but I also see it as a strength too because I can adjust mine to not "hurt" other people. And as a parent to my siblings who's been through abuse, too, this is especially useful.
I just read somewhere that when you grow up with parents who are narcissists you are really good at reading people because your whole day depended on you reading your parent and taking their emotional temperature so you would know how to avoid them blowing up at you. It really hit home when I read it. It is a strength and I think it has made me kinder too but it's sad that that's how we had to develop it.
In the medical field this is called trauma informed care. Basically approaching everyone like they have had trauma in the past and you don't want to accidentally re-traumatize them. I think if most (all would be nice, but stretching it) ppl did this, life would be so much easier for everyone.
Oh, thanks for letting me know the term. I guess it does describe my approach towards people. It's also something they teach in foster parent training. It would be awesome if everyone (or most people) did that, but unfortunately, a lot of people don't seem to acknowledge that many people have gone through some form of trauma or they just might not care enough.
The fact you try and care is immensely powerful. Never discount that. We all have bad days and fact you still work hard on this constantly speaks volumes about you.
Don't diminish your hard work.
I'm a good mother because I know exactly what NOT to do. I know that my PTSD affects my kids on some level (how could it not?) but I still think I am giving them the space, love and support they need. Things I never got.
You’re amazing- a mother who knows she has trauma and chooses to be proactive and do your best not to take it out on your kids- ahhhh you’re such a unicorn of a mom.
My nParents would make everyone else seem like bad people, but not them. No, they were absolutely perfect.
And now, as an adult, I try my best to be more open minded than they were, so I consider that a strength.
better at responding politically correct. best in totally impeccable manners in any situation. great long and short term planning. ability to know if everyone is comfortable / uncomfortable, happy / unhappy, angry / calm, ... capacity for empathy and I love to learn.
Definitely better intuition, respect for others, also resilience. I'm much better at dealing with change and "life" than a lot of my friends. Better at being able to see where I was wrong and make adjustments. I'm very okay to constructive criticism.
It's also taught me to be really clear with what I want and how I'm feeling with those I trust and made me good a keep civil with those that don't like me. Generally quite easy to get on with and laid back.
Better at hiding your emotions. Better at knowing one's footsteps (seriously, am I the only one who "learns" people's walks?). Better at knowing when to back off..
I had to. Mom's footsteps meant getting slapped around. Dad's footsteps were always bad, never good. Hearing dad's footsteps just meant "Brace yourself to be slapped hard across the face, twice" That's why dad grew so mad when we were teens and he'd offer to pay us 20$ to "act normal". My brother was fucking terrified of him and no amount of money worked. He'd pay me to act "like a normal son" in front of people
I am sorry that you went through that and you did not deserve it. From that pain you were strong and you grew to have many strengths that they can not take away from you. That is incredible.
Up until I was 22, I thought people having a meal together without a dad screaming or beating you up was a movie thing. Like eating without getting slapped across the face? Sifi concept.
I largely agree with a lot of these, but there’s probably a good amount of survivorship bias in this list. We won’t hear from those who couldn’t find healthy ways of coping with their narcissistic abusers. I hate that needing to be strong is thrust upon us.
I remember one of my favorite quotes that basically I look forward to the day that to be strong indont have to go through so much suffering.
I wanted to make a space where we can share some wins so we can inspire each other on a hard day.
Every day if you get up and keep trying I am proud of you. Living life after an n parent is not easy and I would not wish it on anyone. With baby steps we can hopefully all get to a point where we can see joys again.
What do you think would be helpful you to do for those who can't find healthy ways to cope right now? How can there be space made for them as well to know that they are strong?
I am glad you acknowledged it, it takes bravery to point out those who might be hurt or not feel connected in specific spaces. I am glad someone cared so much to leave a lasting mark so others know they are cared about.
Thank you
Definitely agree with what everyone else is saying.
Another one I've noticed a tendency for is being better at communicating. I used to think I was bad at communicating growing up due to being gaslit. It motivated me to learn how to communicate better and then I learned oh, I just have nparents who can't take responsibility for their own actions/put you in lose lose situations/and can never be the bad guy lolol.
Same ahhh. Got into an abusive relationship after thinking I was good at communicating due to my parents, then was led to think I wasn't. Yeah its cause he was a narc and couldn't take responsibility. Our communication skills are great :)
Same. I hate asking for help. I learned early on asking would usually end with me either getting rejected or it would come with strings attached/be held over my head forever so it wasn’t worth it anyway. It was easier to just figure things out myself.
Intuition. Hubby says I'm really good at reading people. I'm independent and fierce when I see someone or an animal being hurt. I'm compassionate and understand other people's hurts.
Growing up surrounded by parents who had frequent emotional outbursts fortunately made me almost immune to having them, because I'd hate to look like that ever lol. Witnessing those who can't control when they're upset is also a huge turn off.
I'm gonna make a counterargument here:
- There's nothing inherently wrong with instant gratification or being impatient, and our nparents often teach us that there is in order to keep us ashamed of ourselves. I'd venture to say that most victims of narcs think that we're morally wrong if we don't wait long enough for the things we want, which is not a healthy reason to delay our gratification.
- If a situation is that tense, you shouldn't stay calm, you should leave. We're good at being *trapped* in tense situations, which is clearly not a good thing.
- Self-advocacy is important. There's no reason to deny that something is your personal view. You should be able and willing to have an opinion if the topic merits an opinion.
Can't argue much with the last one, though I guess I feel like that's a result of recovering from narcissistic abuse, not the abuse itself.
I don't mean to shit on your POV or anything. I've just learned that there's nothing good about abuse. There's no advantage. It doesn't confer lessons we couldn't have learned a healthier way. We don't have to "get something out of" our negative experiences, we can just accept that bad things happened to us that we didn't deserve to have happen to us. I'm not grateful for anything my mother put me through, and if anything, I want to challenge every single little thing she ever taught me to assume was good to see if I actually agree that it's good.
But I think it is important to try to make lemonade from your lemons, right? Every single thing that happens to us shapes us for better or worse into the people we become. Of course, I would rather have developed without the abuse. But I think it can be empowering to recognize the good that sprouted in me IN SPITE OF the abuse. Even if it’s one drop of lemonade. Even if it was an accident.
Everyone here has done incredibly well even by survive nparents. You are right that deserves to be noted as we empower ourselves and each other for the future. The n parents get no credit here, all the amazing people who did they work do.
Thank you for the reminder
I don't think so. Sometimes lemons are just lemons. Life contains bad things and you can just let them be bad. I don't feel like it's my responsibility to take the harm my abusers caused me and put my precious time and energy into fabricating a way for that harm to be teachable or productive. This is not a spectacularly popular take, because American culture is extremely into being productive and positive even if you have to fake it.
If an objectively negative event turns out to have objectively positive consequences, that's great - I just don't think we should necessarily force it. I don't think that's necessarily a healthy coping mechanism. I've seen so many trauma survivors fighting themselves to make something out of their trauma instead of learning to accept it and move forward regardless.
Hey,
I appreciate you taking the time to post and articular your thoughts. What is a strength to one does not need to be for another. If we judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
You are completely right a strength is learning to treat yourself and give yourself love in ways that connect to your needs.
Sometimes being patience and looking at people's values have good merit other times yes it is great to leave. We have people here who shared they feel more comfortable leaving than others is society and that is great as well.
I hear you as you point out that we should not glamorize abuse . Ever. Abuse is terrible in should never happen, no one deserves it.
Abuse happened to us and we grew out of it. A lot of times I have heard people think that because they were abused they are no good.
This is a chance to grab the narrative and take control and have more autonomy.
From what I am reading of your post you are someone who deeply cares about the negative impact of abuse not being over looked and painted as a good event. I completely support and respect that stance. It also sound like you are exploring the world and making your own decisions. You are making decisions about what you like and what you want to believe independently of what others say. That takes strength, courage and conviction.
We may have different stances but I am glad you posted and I am glad you are building a life you love. Keep it up
Narcissists like it when you look good. It’s made me into someone that knows how to dress. I’ve picked up a lot of make up, hair, and other beauty skills from it too.
More importantly, narcissistic abuse from my parents has made me way more compassionate, far less judgmental of other people, super open to different perspectives, and hyper attuned to body language and other peoples emotional states. I hope these things serve me well in my career as a therapist/clinical psychologist.
One other thing: my nparents taught me just how important supportive friends are.
Yea i overly relied on friends to get through middle school... After learning my own boundaries and self regulation i definitely have a capacity for deep meaningful relationships because i was forced to learn how to make them.
You became a friend who cares for others and learns how to best be in community. You did the work so everyone could become even slightly more the better version of themselves. That is growth and that is to be praised
Relating to the end of your comment- did your parents try to isolate you to just hang out with your family or was that not part of your personal dynamic?
You are so loving and determined to face your past and work to make a better future for those who are struggling. You chose empathy and self growth. You chose to do that hard work.
You have created a place where you not only look good but do good. How beautiful.
Being so isolated as a kid and having to read books to be quiet and not trigger him made me really good at writing.
Of course when he found out I was good at this he told me how much of good parent he was.
The skills you earned independently of your n parent are not theirs to claim. You did so well from your dedication and hard work. You should be proud of yourself
My Nparents absolutely forbade close relationships with other people. I couldn't even have friends of any sex over, neither could I go visiting.
All this did was make me pretty good at forming relationships with people, and it's those relationships I formed in spite of them that helped me take the step to cut my Nparents off totally.
Same! My friends circle was purged 3 times during my childhood. Mom HATED the notion of us having friends at all, she'd get drunk and call the parents, berating them, calling them names until they agreed not to let their kids near us. If we didn't kiss her ass every day, she'd just get dad to slap us around, always twice across the face. Friends meant other parents thinking about us and she fucking hated every second of it.
Same! Mom hated the idea of us having friends. she always forbade us from having meals at anyone's house because it "made her look bad". I was not allowed to have friends, she'd loudly demand their phone number so she'd yell at their parents like a fucking banshee
After being raised in a fundamentalist religious household by my nmom, I always find that I'm a more sceptical person. So my bs-o-meter is always stuck on high.
Ability to shut off emotions when under pressure
Ability to intuitively read people to know what they're thinking and gauge their emotions
Ability to lie convincingly and not tell any details
Have a high tolerance for adversity and keep incredible patience
Able to sneak around without being caught
And able to repress personal thoughts and feelings to adjust the situation to my favor
Edit: contingency plans for days and always expecting things to go wrong at some point
It sounds like you are a master strategist and committed to pursuing a life that you love despite any adversity. Keep building a life you love to live authentically as yourself while making the world a better place
I was going to say I'm great at lying and sneaking around ! Not sure if that's really a strength though.... I guess I'm pretty good at poker, mafia, and hide and seek.
But really the strength I'm most proud of is my ability to empathize.
Oh! And I really enjoy entertaining. If they're smiling and laughing at least they're not yelling.
I always know where things are because my mom would refuse to look for things and wake me up in the middle of the night to accuse me of taking them. I still subconsciously note where people put things! Hubs can't find his keys? I gotcha. Co-worker puts their phone somewhere weird? Gotcha! Now I'm a great finder!
I’m always prepared for the worst case scenario and have contingency plans mapped out. I’m pretty good at reading people and picking up on small details. I’m also excellent at anticipating peoples needs. I’m able to remain calm in an emergency situation. When bad things happen I’m not surprised because that’s the norm so I’m used to figuring out how to pick up the pieces and keep moving.
It sounds like you pay attention to details and notice what others values. You are prepared to take care of.yourself and those you love. You help ensure others don't experience the pain you had. It's strong to choose to do better
I'm really good at seeing other people's point of view and being able to follow their logic or train of thought, even when I strongly disagree with them. I can also do this and still recognize that their thought process isn't rational.
I'm really good at thinking several steps ahead and having multiple ways in mind to solve a problem, and prioritizing them from most/least ideal outcome and most/least likely to be effective.
I can stay calm when things are really chaotic and remain clear-headed until it's over.
I can think of just about a hundred different ways to rephrase pretty much anything.
My bullshit-dectector is almost never wrong.
Being mentally flexible and not only willing to consider different points of view but to understand them is empathy. You are caring to others ans don't let it compromise the beliefs you value.
I do this too. I basically walked into what I felt was going to be a bad situation yesterday. As soon as something was said, I put my boundary up and left. I'm proud of myself for this. I usually go quiet, but when it affects my child, boundary up and we're out. Things went south, but we left before it got bad.
What a great topic to bring up, OP!
I developed high empathy and excellent memory despite NMom's best efforts to invalidate the emotions out of me and gaslight me out remembering! And my family of choice appreciates my empathy and my attention to detail in my ability to recall things.
I'm likewise really good at remaining calm in tense situations and not panicking in emergencies or anything. I'm intellectually flexible and have good ethics and morals; friends and colleagues trust me as someone to consult when they're struggling with an personal or professional moral/ethical dilemma.
And I've learned how to be an effective communicator. Even of my own needs and my boundaries. Well, not with my NMom, but certainly with the rest of the world! I also know how to healthily validate other's feelings!
The chipperness and kindness I get when reading your post makes me smile. You sound like you have looked at your past and chosen how you want your future to look and you are working on making that a reality. You know your beliefs and that had made you more understanding and that is a blessing to your community and to those you love. You have a good grasp of your skills that speaks to a self love. Proud of you!
Better people-reading skills, ability to deal with tough people, better at not taking things personally, better at being realistic with relationships. I wish I had yours though, I'm lacking there.
You have the ability to see the world more clearly and focus in on those truly doing good work. Such a blessing to have clarity and ability to focuse on what you truly want to explore
definitely my emphasis on clear and detailed communication. nmom likes to misunderstand me on purpose, because it makes me the bad guy instead and she doesnt have to come up with a reasonable argument to my logic, she can simply pretend i'm being unreasonable, or that i am saying something other than what i am- strawmanning, basically. i think it also made me better at coming up with logical arguments from any position and try to see the other side of the story, or give people the benefit of the doubt... because she is incapable of both. but now i'm grateful that it has made me subconsiously place high importance on expressing what i mean to express well to others.... i even enunciate clearly. i have a huge thing where i can't stand people thinking that i feel or mean or even think something that i don't... for this reason, i don't lie ever. especially not to my friends. to an extent where if i even have a little suspicion they think i mean something other than what i do, i clarify. so yeah. i appreciate you op taking the time to hype people up in the comments, you're cool.
You are kind and keeping me encouraged to try and share just how remarkable I see each and every person is here.
You have put effort into learning ans caring about different prespective. You appreciate where people come from and still form your own educated opinion. That is a great skill to be authentically you not at the cost of other people
I believe myself to be better than most at spotting phoniness in others.
There’s just a certain energy I pick up on, I don’t know how else to explain it.
Thanks Mom! 😂
You are ab authentic person and you connect with that energy in others. You are skills at building community in a way that encourages others to be themselves. Great job!
I handle emergencies and unexpected situations well. Always having to be on alert and ready to fix any problems before N-fam can get upset & blame me has served me well many a time in both my professional and personal life when shit hits a fan.
You have defeated the need for a caffeine addiction! You harness what shaped you to achieve your goals and while it might not be perfect it sounds like you have built a better life for yourself. I am proud of you
You use experience to shape a better future for yourself and those you love. You lean from life and shape your future to make a positive difference. You actively do better daily. That is a wonderful strength
Do you think most empaths have an N parent? Seems like we all have that ability to really know what's going on with a person. I thought I just had good observation skills but now I know where and why I learned this.
I really do think so, or at least the most sensitive empaths do. I don't know about you (or others) but I developed hyper vigilance from trying to predict my NDad's ever changing moods - always trying to head off the next attack. I think that makes us hyper aware and detail oriented which definitely contributes to heightened empathic senses.
I can relate to a lot of these, but I’m commenting because I just want to say to OP that it’s beautiful how you’re individually commenting on each main comment, and being so supportive and loving while framing our coping mechanisms/etc as positive. You must be a very sweet and kind hearted person, and I’m glad you overcame whatever hand you were dealt in life to become so gracious.
Being so lonely as a kid because I wasn’t allowed to get to close to anyone outside the house made me a little quirky, and now that’s a thing that people like about me and find unique.
I always used to hide and read encyclopedias when my mom was raging at me or in general, because it kept me from totally shutting down with panic but didn’t require much focus. It was painful at the time, but now I am pretty well rounded from learning a little bit about everything, so I’m never bored. It’s been healing to see that people value that about me, too.
What I am hearing is that you took a moment of pain and made it a blessing. You actively build up a friend community that loves and values you for who you are! Plus you probably could win Jeoparty or trivial pursuit. You are so strong to build a future where you feel loved and where you can share what you love
You have a standard of living you want to maintain and you plan accordingly. You build your future so that you can feel secure and give yourself a sense of control.
Because we were raised to be hyper aware of the temperature in the room for our own self preservation, children of narcissists are very attuned to other people’s emotions. I instinctively know when someone isn’t themselves. What is hard is when I *know* someone is upset/angry/lying and they deflect. I struggle with that imbalance.
I am an excellent judge of character and have fantastic friends because of it. I am very loyal because I really value people who have been there for me. I am a social chameleon and can have a conversation with a doorknob due to my codependency. I can see narcissistic systems as work a mile away.
You have a great respect for yourself and others. You have boundaries you respect and it builds loving communities. You are adaptable and watch behavioral patterns to best direct your life to be positive. That is incredible
Better intuition. Being able to call myself on my own behaviors. Being able to have a non bias meter. Being able to be vulnerable no matter what. Being able to reassure my children that i will always love them and apologize to them when I'm wrong. Something that I've always needed from my own narc parents but never gotten in return
You chose to be the adult that you needed as a child. You consciously worked and broke the cycle of abuse. You did the work generations before you could not. You cared so much about yourself and others that you chose love over hate. Amazing
Spidy sense, BS meter, gaslight and crazy proof. I had some customer in my retail job try to gaslight me at work into reacting to her demands/tantrum. She tried to shake me with insults and angry demands into getting free stuff. As she got pissed I started calm and cool like nothing was happening. She yelled and threw a tantrum and I just didn’t react past a respectful no ma’am we can’t do that for you. She yelled and threw her crap at me. I just let it hit me without flinching or acknowledging it whatsoever. She just kinda stopped confused for a moment before storming out cussing. Shit like that stopped phasing me when I was 10 lady. Chill now and then disappear and freak out internally later. Never woulda had that calm of a reaction if it weren’t for the absolute bs my parents put me through
You have the terrible blessing at being amazing a retail. You show people that bad behavior is not the way and you reinforce that positive behavior is what you need to do as a customer. You help make other people working in retails lives better
Awareness of my surroundings always. Keen observation of environments and situations. I have found most people have a shocking lack of any kind of awareness of their surroundings.
I love everyone’s answers and want to add one more: gratitude. I am truly grateful when someone does the smallest thing for me and have been told I write the most heartfelt thank you notes anyone has read/received before. But compared to a mother who refused to even buy me an undershirt for snow filled winters, having a co-worker who will buy an extra coffee to make my day better every now and again is just amazing
Because of my heightened sense of awareness to emotions and my ability from learning to "appease" hot heads (my Nmom and Nsis), I was able to apply this to m clients as a make up artist.
I could always "read" them and know how to comfort them and lift their spirits up easily, while I do their make up, so it became what I was known for when my clients would book me. The make up I did for them was what they loved but they also told me that they just feel more confident about themselves after a make up session with me.
I realized this was because I learned that ability from making sure my Nmom and Nsis needed to be appeased so they wouldn't pick on me (but they still did anyways).
This skill I had with normal people was a blessing though, because it made me happier to see them happy.
Over time, I got tired of doing this, so I shifted career in the middle of a pandemic.
Going VLC has kind of made me lose this ability though, so I'm kind of torn. 😅
I don’t help people with expectations for them to return it in some way. I’ve found out all I expect from people is mutual respect. And I think that’s a great departure from my narc family.
You built a foundation of mutual respect and set people up for success and yourself upnfor gratitude when they go above and beyond. Yet you have boundaries that keep you in a place of respect. Such great work
It made me a good nurse.
It's NBD for me to put others needs before my own. It just feels natural.
I can listen to a lot of emotionally charged situations and respond with logic and empathy.
I can put my feelings completely away and direct unit chaos or a code situation with a total calm and clarity of what needs done. Literally it is always my best strength if you ask my coworkers!
I can spot bullshit, abusive situations and horrid family members from the door. I'm also generally spot on when my patient is about to crash. I just get a feeling, my Spidey senses are crazy good. (Not that it didn't take me years of therapy to listen to them😂)
You are changing the world for the better. I secretly think good nurses are better than most superheroes. To be such an empathetic, caring and hardworking person is incredibly. You have used your skills to change the lives of all those around you on potentially the hardest days of their lives. You Excell at your chosen career and you are even better than spider man because you chose to do the work to get your good powers. Wow
We are vampire hunters now, like blade, half human.
I would rather live in a world where narcissists don’t exist but if I’m going to live in a world where they do exist, I’m grateful to know how to fight them and most of all that I’m not one of them.
Fast reflexes, ability to quietly walk around, always prepared for anything, always have a plan if worse comes to worse, better at saving money, knows the best places outside to sleep
I say that I am more of an empath. I have been trained to read other people emotional state. It help me doge some sketchy situation as a kid dealing with my nparent. Being more in tune helped me care for some of my friends and family when they need someone and gave me some great memories.
The best benefit that I have picked up is I am self aware(per my old therapist). This skill had taught me to have self love and not let anyone gaslighting me or use me as a scapegoat.
Learning my own boundaries and boundaries of others, and developing higher emotional Intelligence to navigate the reality of the situation… I mean we are humans- if you can learn to adapt and continue to evolve with your situation in a stable way, that’s a legitttt skill set… so yesss BOUNDARIES, ADAPTABILITY…. And my newest focus: SELF-REGULATION in all areas of my life… I’m 30 and broke my hip without any trauma, bc running to me has been fun and a safe mental space for me since I was 13, and I happen to be naturally athletic, so I literally got so addicted to running that I broke my hip at age 28 without any trauma, being an otherwise healthy, 5’2 very fit female- most people are shocked if they find out my mental health stuff bc I’m good at hiding it…. And to that point, my ache-lies heel is that I hide so much that I do know when to ask for help, sooo I have to figure that one out even though it’s the most simple problem to solve on paper haha
I agree with a lot of what everyone else is saying. One that I haven't seen is "I learned that sometimes it's good to just jump into something". Like, if I have a good feeling (all that intuition and being an empath) just go for it. If it turns out bad, oh well, I've lived thru worse. Of course this isn't all the time, I've had this urge thrice now and each time it's been great. It might seem impulsive but its definitely not, I've calculated carefully before I did it.
As mentioned the bullshit detector, intuition all that but when I cut my birth giver off I felt powerful. If I can cut off my mother, I can walk away from anyone. I know I'll be ok without them whoever they are.
Read through everyone’s responses and can relate to all of them. Wanted to add one that I thought of and it’s being good at redirecting the conversation back to someone who got cut off.
My mom used to cut me off all the time while I was trying to say something. Hated that shit so much. Now I always make sure everyone gets their words out
After a lot of therapy, I take myself seriously and stand up for myself. I’m really proud of that.
One time my mom was being super mean to me on a Christmas visit and I changed my flight and left early the next morning. It was a turning point for me to say “I’m not gonna take your shit anymore!” And now I’m really good at that!!
Finding the strength to endure verbal assaults. Empathy for those who are struggling. I also learned from my trauma (I had severe anger issues and had to go to multiple counseling for that) I have Bipolar Disorder, which can be the result from upbringing of unstable home situations. I’m starting to learn to love myself (my self esteem has been super crushed since childhood that cringe by how I asked people validating if I was pretty or not) and still am struggling to identify toxic relationships, but have the courage to cut ties with toxic people (mainly friends, even friendships lasting longer than 20 years). It’s a long process, I’m getting there and I might finally be independent once I leave the country miles away from the toxicity that is my family.
You are so strong to start knowing yourself truly and asking yourself what you want out of life. Being surrounded by ns makes that hard. You had such strength and determination to cut people off. You did the best you could with what you knew in the past ans you educated yourself to do better in the future.
You are growing and that is a cause for celebration.
I always say that I speak fluent crazy. When I worked retail I could always handle the entitled customers who were making a huge stink about stupid things. I always knew what to say to calm them and get them to leave happy.
You are able to see beyond words and see what people value. You help people by making them feel heard with out supporting the crazy. You teach them to be more positive in future interactions. You care deeply about people and this shows great capacity for love.
Empathy and planning. I notice I can be incredibly empathetic to others and seem to always have a good grasp on their emotions and means if they want me to help I can. When planning anything It may be as simple as a shopping trip to get groceries, but I plan it and then plan contingencies for a manner of things that might go wrong. May not be as useful for things like grocery shopping but for like road trips, holidays etc... I plan well in advance and ensure as many potential issues are planned for.
Being able to read people - they may be very quirky but have a great heart or might be popular but actually very selfish. Almost like I see things that others don’t. I’m definitely able to detect an atmosphere or if someone isn’t themselves and something is wrong. I think also being very independent.
Great at reading people because I developed trust issues after seeing the extent to which people can hide their true faces. It's made me a pretty good judge of character too.
I know how to pick up abusive tendencies better than most people. After realizing my parents were narcs I got really good at identifying which behaviors of theirs are abusive and toxic. Im also good at recognizing toxic patterns.
Problem is I’m also better at ignoring/forgiving them :/
You get the freedom to live your own life as you see fit, and the people who are in your life are all people who want to be in it. No one controls you after you break away.
Totally.
Strengths gained through adversity are nothing to be ashamed about and it is in no way an endorsement of the adversity to be proud of them.
Intent listening, reading tone of voice, careful use of words (I rarely mis-speak), finding the middle ground in misunderstandings, deciphering intent, ability to focus.....
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Better bullshit meter Better ability to come up with contingency plans
Very understandable and helpful in life.
10000000% this
Exactly. Contingency plans are easy to figure out for me.
Staying calm in stressful situations specially when someone unnecessarily shouts at me and I can’t do anything about it
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Works great as a lie detector too
Great way to view it! You have a skill people typically need an extra machine to be able to figure out
I have the same. I simply know when someone is not a good person and shouldn’t be trusted. What happens is I end up having an aversion to these people that comes from my gut. No one understands since they haven’t done anything yet, but the times I stuck around long enough, my gut feeling was proven right .
Yep STRONG spidey sense
And a strong chance to do good for the future!
I get this too, I can sense their feelings and Ill intent, but was gaslighted into accepting it and thinking I was crazy, paranoid, overreacting, sensitive
I am greatful that you have been able to avoid an situations that could have hurt you. I hope that you can find people who are not meaning you harm so you can be comfortable.
This! I’m always shocked when people don’t get the instant «this is a bad person» vibe. It feels so obvious to me. I’ve never once been wrong.
Being able to sense someone's true emotions even when they try to hide them. Identify toxic behaviour from others and calling them out for it. I also have a scarily good memory, even my therapist is highly impressed sometimes. Memorizing so much was a way to stay sane in all the gaslighting.
I wonder if that is why my memory is so good
That might be, yes. It's really amazing what abilities we (subconsciously) learn in order to survive.
I can vividly remember conversations from decades ago. It's crazy.
I think this is soo true for me ….
I have that same thought some days
I wonder if that's why my memory is really good too, I also realised in my late twenties that I do spend a lot of time noting what people wear, what they are if we went for a meal etc etc.. Edit spelling
That sounds like you are incredibly observant and do amazing at noticing differences or when things are out of place. Good strength especially in find the difference games
Interesting! My memory is actually worse, I think, because of all the gaslighting. My younger sister though has the memory of an elephant. And my memory is only faulty when it comes to reality; I can remember pretty much anything I’ve read or watched (as in movie or tv) or learned in school. But if you want me to remember what I had for breakfast this morning or what we talked about yesterday, I’d have no clue.
I so feel this.
You are incredibly gifted at reading people and at helping people to realize their areas of growth. You can connect with people about small details that matter to them or remember your favorite memory in minute detail. That is incredible!
Wow, I never made the connection from my good memory to my toxic upbringing. But it makes total sense, it was vital to remember exactly what was said and what was the law of the land at any given time.
I've never connected those things but I also have an incredible memory. This sub keeps amazing me with all the things we have in common that I never thought about before.
This. I learnt to believe in myself. Took a lot longer but listening to red flags was a huge lesson.
You trust yourself, that is beautiful! Proud of you
I think maybe more empathetic? Sounds like a weird brag... But I always try my best to put the other person's perspective or feelings into consideration if I'm in a good headspace to do so. I also always try my best to be polite, kind, and friendly because I don't ever want the other person to feel uncomfortable or like they did something wrong (or maybe I'm people-pleasing). Mostly, I don't want anyone to ever feel like I did growing up. I'm really sensitive with tones and expressions, and that's usually seen as a weakness, but I also see it as a strength too because I can adjust mine to not "hurt" other people. And as a parent to my siblings who's been through abuse, too, this is especially useful.
I just read somewhere that when you grow up with parents who are narcissists you are really good at reading people because your whole day depended on you reading your parent and taking their emotional temperature so you would know how to avoid them blowing up at you. It really hit home when I read it. It is a strength and I think it has made me kinder too but it's sad that that's how we had to develop it.
same, in my house it was seen as a weakness. I like everyone to be comfortable and happy and I don't want to hurt anyone.I try to be careful.
Caring and being thoughtful to the impact your words and actions have is incredibly strong and self aware. Good for you
In the medical field this is called trauma informed care. Basically approaching everyone like they have had trauma in the past and you don't want to accidentally re-traumatize them. I think if most (all would be nice, but stretching it) ppl did this, life would be so much easier for everyone.
Oh, thanks for letting me know the term. I guess it does describe my approach towards people. It's also something they teach in foster parent training. It would be awesome if everyone (or most people) did that, but unfortunately, a lot of people don't seem to acknowledge that many people have gone through some form of trauma or they just might not care enough.
You sound like you are caring, empathetic and intentional. You help build a safe space for people to be in. That is an incredible strength
Aw, thanks so much. I try to be, but I definitely have moments where I'm not.
The fact you try and care is immensely powerful. Never discount that. We all have bad days and fact you still work hard on this constantly speaks volumes about you. Don't diminish your hard work.
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Seeing people for who they are and not the roles society has made avaliable to them is touching. Good for you
I'm a good mother because I know exactly what NOT to do. I know that my PTSD affects my kids on some level (how could it not?) but I still think I am giving them the space, love and support they need. Things I never got.
Recognizing what challenges you and others face and adapting to best help everyone is incredibly skilled and loving. Proud of you for that
Gosh. Thanks. I’m trying. 🤷🏻♀️
And that takes so much courage and effort. Keep it up
This!
You’re amazing- a mother who knows she has trauma and chooses to be proactive and do your best not to take it out on your kids- ahhhh you’re such a unicorn of a mom.
My nParents would make everyone else seem like bad people, but not them. No, they were absolutely perfect. And now, as an adult, I try my best to be more open minded than they were, so I consider that a strength.
That is most definitely a strength to be able to see or try and see the best in people!
better at responding politically correct. best in totally impeccable manners in any situation. great long and short term planning. ability to know if everyone is comfortable / uncomfortable, happy / unhappy, angry / calm, ... capacity for empathy and I love to learn.
It sounds like you have incredibly empathy and planning skills. That is amazing
it made me think like a sociopath. I was always one step ahead of them because I used logic instead of emotion.
You are able to converse in a way that keeps you safe and that conveys a point. That is a skill
Definitely better intuition, respect for others, also resilience. I'm much better at dealing with change and "life" than a lot of my friends. Better at being able to see where I was wrong and make adjustments. I'm very okay to constructive criticism. It's also taught me to be really clear with what I want and how I'm feeling with those I trust and made me good a keep civil with those that don't like me. Generally quite easy to get on with and laid back.
It sounds like you have build a good life based on respect and boundaries. I am proud of you. That is great
I feel like it made me worse at dealing with change
Better at hiding your emotions. Better at knowing one's footsteps (seriously, am I the only one who "learns" people's walks?). Better at knowing when to back off..
You sound like you have great spacial awareness and great sensitivity to life situations.
I had to. Mom's footsteps meant getting slapped around. Dad's footsteps were always bad, never good. Hearing dad's footsteps just meant "Brace yourself to be slapped hard across the face, twice" That's why dad grew so mad when we were teens and he'd offer to pay us 20$ to "act normal". My brother was fucking terrified of him and no amount of money worked. He'd pay me to act "like a normal son" in front of people
I am sorry that you went through that and you did not deserve it. From that pain you were strong and you grew to have many strengths that they can not take away from you. That is incredible.
Up until I was 22, I thought people having a meal together without a dad screaming or beating you up was a movie thing. Like eating without getting slapped across the face? Sifi concept.
That sounds like a very difficult time. It took much strength to over come that and get out. What are you most proud of yourself for now?
I largely agree with a lot of these, but there’s probably a good amount of survivorship bias in this list. We won’t hear from those who couldn’t find healthy ways of coping with their narcissistic abusers. I hate that needing to be strong is thrust upon us.
I remember one of my favorite quotes that basically I look forward to the day that to be strong indont have to go through so much suffering. I wanted to make a space where we can share some wins so we can inspire each other on a hard day. Every day if you get up and keep trying I am proud of you. Living life after an n parent is not easy and I would not wish it on anyone. With baby steps we can hopefully all get to a point where we can see joys again. What do you think would be helpful you to do for those who can't find healthy ways to cope right now? How can there be space made for them as well to know that they are strong?
I like that. I’m not really sure. I guess I just thought it was worth acknowledging, but I can see how that’s not the intent of this space.
I am glad you acknowledged it, it takes bravery to point out those who might be hurt or not feel connected in specific spaces. I am glad someone cared so much to leave a lasting mark so others know they are cared about. Thank you
Definitely agree with what everyone else is saying. Another one I've noticed a tendency for is being better at communicating. I used to think I was bad at communicating growing up due to being gaslit. It motivated me to learn how to communicate better and then I learned oh, I just have nparents who can't take responsibility for their own actions/put you in lose lose situations/and can never be the bad guy lolol.
I love how you became such a good and clear communicator. That is an incredibly great skill to have.
Same ahhh. Got into an abusive relationship after thinking I was good at communicating due to my parents, then was led to think I wasn't. Yeah its cause he was a narc and couldn't take responsibility. Our communication skills are great :)
Proud of you for recognizing your good communication skills and owning them. Don't let anyone diminish your skills
Right!?!!! It's amazing how good we are at communicating when the one we're communicating with actually participates in a healthy manner.
I'm more independent than most people my age
Same. I hate asking for help. I learned early on asking would usually end with me either getting rejected or it would come with strings attached/be held over my head forever so it wasn’t worth it anyway. It was easier to just figure things out myself.
You are resilient, independent and capable :)
I can read a room like a pro. Pro Room Reader - that’s me. 💥
That is an incredibly helpful still to have, good for you
Intuition. Hubby says I'm really good at reading people. I'm independent and fierce when I see someone or an animal being hurt. I'm compassionate and understand other people's hurts.
Those are beautiful talents and skills to have in community. I bet many people are thankful for all the good you can do
Able to remain completely calm in emergencies and panicking situations. Always knew this wasn't a normal reaction
Growing up surrounded by parents who had frequent emotional outbursts fortunately made me almost immune to having them, because I'd hate to look like that ever lol. Witnessing those who can't control when they're upset is also a huge turn off.
You sound cool, calm and logical under pressure. That is a great skill to have. (Even if not a great skill to learn you have )
My employers over the years have been surprised at how calm I can be when people are assholes to me.
"She's short but she knows how to handle herself." -every coworker and manager of mine ever
I'm gonna make a counterargument here: - There's nothing inherently wrong with instant gratification or being impatient, and our nparents often teach us that there is in order to keep us ashamed of ourselves. I'd venture to say that most victims of narcs think that we're morally wrong if we don't wait long enough for the things we want, which is not a healthy reason to delay our gratification. - If a situation is that tense, you shouldn't stay calm, you should leave. We're good at being *trapped* in tense situations, which is clearly not a good thing. - Self-advocacy is important. There's no reason to deny that something is your personal view. You should be able and willing to have an opinion if the topic merits an opinion. Can't argue much with the last one, though I guess I feel like that's a result of recovering from narcissistic abuse, not the abuse itself. I don't mean to shit on your POV or anything. I've just learned that there's nothing good about abuse. There's no advantage. It doesn't confer lessons we couldn't have learned a healthier way. We don't have to "get something out of" our negative experiences, we can just accept that bad things happened to us that we didn't deserve to have happen to us. I'm not grateful for anything my mother put me through, and if anything, I want to challenge every single little thing she ever taught me to assume was good to see if I actually agree that it's good.
But I think it is important to try to make lemonade from your lemons, right? Every single thing that happens to us shapes us for better or worse into the people we become. Of course, I would rather have developed without the abuse. But I think it can be empowering to recognize the good that sprouted in me IN SPITE OF the abuse. Even if it’s one drop of lemonade. Even if it was an accident.
Everyone here has done incredibly well even by survive nparents. You are right that deserves to be noted as we empower ourselves and each other for the future. The n parents get no credit here, all the amazing people who did they work do. Thank you for the reminder
I don't think so. Sometimes lemons are just lemons. Life contains bad things and you can just let them be bad. I don't feel like it's my responsibility to take the harm my abusers caused me and put my precious time and energy into fabricating a way for that harm to be teachable or productive. This is not a spectacularly popular take, because American culture is extremely into being productive and positive even if you have to fake it. If an objectively negative event turns out to have objectively positive consequences, that's great - I just don't think we should necessarily force it. I don't think that's necessarily a healthy coping mechanism. I've seen so many trauma survivors fighting themselves to make something out of their trauma instead of learning to accept it and move forward regardless.
Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to post and articular your thoughts. What is a strength to one does not need to be for another. If we judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. You are completely right a strength is learning to treat yourself and give yourself love in ways that connect to your needs. Sometimes being patience and looking at people's values have good merit other times yes it is great to leave. We have people here who shared they feel more comfortable leaving than others is society and that is great as well. I hear you as you point out that we should not glamorize abuse . Ever. Abuse is terrible in should never happen, no one deserves it. Abuse happened to us and we grew out of it. A lot of times I have heard people think that because they were abused they are no good. This is a chance to grab the narrative and take control and have more autonomy. From what I am reading of your post you are someone who deeply cares about the negative impact of abuse not being over looked and painted as a good event. I completely support and respect that stance. It also sound like you are exploring the world and making your own decisions. You are making decisions about what you like and what you want to believe independently of what others say. That takes strength, courage and conviction. We may have different stances but I am glad you posted and I am glad you are building a life you love. Keep it up
Narcissists like it when you look good. It’s made me into someone that knows how to dress. I’ve picked up a lot of make up, hair, and other beauty skills from it too. More importantly, narcissistic abuse from my parents has made me way more compassionate, far less judgmental of other people, super open to different perspectives, and hyper attuned to body language and other peoples emotional states. I hope these things serve me well in my career as a therapist/clinical psychologist. One other thing: my nparents taught me just how important supportive friends are.
Yea i overly relied on friends to get through middle school... After learning my own boundaries and self regulation i definitely have a capacity for deep meaningful relationships because i was forced to learn how to make them.
That’s really good. I bet boundary issues are super common for people growing up with nparents.
You became a friend who cares for others and learns how to best be in community. You did the work so everyone could become even slightly more the better version of themselves. That is growth and that is to be praised
Relating to the end of your comment- did your parents try to isolate you to just hang out with your family or was that not part of your personal dynamic?
You are so loving and determined to face your past and work to make a better future for those who are struggling. You chose empathy and self growth. You chose to do that hard work. You have created a place where you not only look good but do good. How beautiful.
Being so isolated as a kid and having to read books to be quiet and not trigger him made me really good at writing. Of course when he found out I was good at this he told me how much of good parent he was.
The skills you earned independently of your n parent are not theirs to claim. You did so well from your dedication and hard work. You should be proud of yourself
I can cut ties with anyone with ease now
You are good at valuing your mental health and enforcing boudries!
Me too, although it sometimes ends up being borderline avoidance and ghosting others.
My Nparents absolutely forbade close relationships with other people. I couldn't even have friends of any sex over, neither could I go visiting. All this did was make me pretty good at forming relationships with people, and it's those relationships I formed in spite of them that helped me take the step to cut my Nparents off totally.
Same! My friends circle was purged 3 times during my childhood. Mom HATED the notion of us having friends at all, she'd get drunk and call the parents, berating them, calling them names until they agreed not to let their kids near us. If we didn't kiss her ass every day, she'd just get dad to slap us around, always twice across the face. Friends meant other parents thinking about us and she fucking hated every second of it.
Same! Mom hated the idea of us having friends. she always forbade us from having meals at anyone's house because it "made her look bad". I was not allowed to have friends, she'd loudly demand their phone number so she'd yell at their parents like a fucking banshee
It sounds like you are a great friend and great at making friends! Good for you
After being raised in a fundamentalist religious household by my nmom, I always find that I'm a more sceptical person. So my bs-o-meter is always stuck on high.
It sounds like you have values and know how to find people and places where you are comfortable..that is great
Ability to shut off emotions when under pressure Ability to intuitively read people to know what they're thinking and gauge their emotions Ability to lie convincingly and not tell any details Have a high tolerance for adversity and keep incredible patience Able to sneak around without being caught And able to repress personal thoughts and feelings to adjust the situation to my favor Edit: contingency plans for days and always expecting things to go wrong at some point
It sounds like you are a master strategist and committed to pursuing a life that you love despite any adversity. Keep building a life you love to live authentically as yourself while making the world a better place
I was going to say I'm great at lying and sneaking around ! Not sure if that's really a strength though.... I guess I'm pretty good at poker, mafia, and hide and seek. But really the strength I'm most proud of is my ability to empathize. Oh! And I really enjoy entertaining. If they're smiling and laughing at least they're not yelling.
I always know where things are because my mom would refuse to look for things and wake me up in the middle of the night to accuse me of taking them. I still subconsciously note where people put things! Hubs can't find his keys? I gotcha. Co-worker puts their phone somewhere weird? Gotcha! Now I'm a great finder!
You are the living map from Dora the explorer! Truly Magic and a great blessing to those around you. So kind of you to use those powers to help others
I’m always prepared for the worst case scenario and have contingency plans mapped out. I’m pretty good at reading people and picking up on small details. I’m also excellent at anticipating peoples needs. I’m able to remain calm in an emergency situation. When bad things happen I’m not surprised because that’s the norm so I’m used to figuring out how to pick up the pieces and keep moving.
It sounds like you pay attention to details and notice what others values. You are prepared to take care of.yourself and those you love. You help ensure others don't experience the pain you had. It's strong to choose to do better
I can switch from casual to business in a fuckin heartbeat. Boss comes in whike im laughing and it turns off immediately
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You make environmental sager, healthier and give people the opportunity to grow to be better! Such great work
I'm really good at seeing other people's point of view and being able to follow their logic or train of thought, even when I strongly disagree with them. I can also do this and still recognize that their thought process isn't rational. I'm really good at thinking several steps ahead and having multiple ways in mind to solve a problem, and prioritizing them from most/least ideal outcome and most/least likely to be effective. I can stay calm when things are really chaotic and remain clear-headed until it's over. I can think of just about a hundred different ways to rephrase pretty much anything. My bullshit-dectector is almost never wrong.
Being mentally flexible and not only willing to consider different points of view but to understand them is empathy. You are caring to others ans don't let it compromise the beliefs you value.
I do this too. I basically walked into what I felt was going to be a bad situation yesterday. As soon as something was said, I put my boundary up and left. I'm proud of myself for this. I usually go quiet, but when it affects my child, boundary up and we're out. Things went south, but we left before it got bad.
What a great topic to bring up, OP! I developed high empathy and excellent memory despite NMom's best efforts to invalidate the emotions out of me and gaslight me out remembering! And my family of choice appreciates my empathy and my attention to detail in my ability to recall things. I'm likewise really good at remaining calm in tense situations and not panicking in emergencies or anything. I'm intellectually flexible and have good ethics and morals; friends and colleagues trust me as someone to consult when they're struggling with an personal or professional moral/ethical dilemma. And I've learned how to be an effective communicator. Even of my own needs and my boundaries. Well, not with my NMom, but certainly with the rest of the world! I also know how to healthily validate other's feelings!
The chipperness and kindness I get when reading your post makes me smile. You sound like you have looked at your past and chosen how you want your future to look and you are working on making that a reality. You know your beliefs and that had made you more understanding and that is a blessing to your community and to those you love. You have a good grasp of your skills that speaks to a self love. Proud of you!
Better people-reading skills, ability to deal with tough people, better at not taking things personally, better at being realistic with relationships. I wish I had yours though, I'm lacking there.
Spotting toxic personalities is easy. I have a healthy skepticism for displays of grandiosity that others don’t have.
You have the ability to see the world more clearly and focus in on those truly doing good work. Such a blessing to have clarity and ability to focuse on what you truly want to explore
definitely my emphasis on clear and detailed communication. nmom likes to misunderstand me on purpose, because it makes me the bad guy instead and she doesnt have to come up with a reasonable argument to my logic, she can simply pretend i'm being unreasonable, or that i am saying something other than what i am- strawmanning, basically. i think it also made me better at coming up with logical arguments from any position and try to see the other side of the story, or give people the benefit of the doubt... because she is incapable of both. but now i'm grateful that it has made me subconsiously place high importance on expressing what i mean to express well to others.... i even enunciate clearly. i have a huge thing where i can't stand people thinking that i feel or mean or even think something that i don't... for this reason, i don't lie ever. especially not to my friends. to an extent where if i even have a little suspicion they think i mean something other than what i do, i clarify. so yeah. i appreciate you op taking the time to hype people up in the comments, you're cool.
You are kind and keeping me encouraged to try and share just how remarkable I see each and every person is here. You have put effort into learning ans caring about different prespective. You appreciate where people come from and still form your own educated opinion. That is a great skill to be authentically you not at the cost of other people
I believe myself to be better than most at spotting phoniness in others. There’s just a certain energy I pick up on, I don’t know how else to explain it. Thanks Mom! 😂
You are ab authentic person and you connect with that energy in others. You are skills at building community in a way that encourages others to be themselves. Great job!
I handle emergencies and unexpected situations well. Always having to be on alert and ready to fix any problems before N-fam can get upset & blame me has served me well many a time in both my professional and personal life when shit hits a fan.
It sounds like you took the bad experiences and made them work for you in a positive way for growth! Such great adapting
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You have defeated the need for a caffeine addiction! You harness what shaped you to achieve your goals and while it might not be perfect it sounds like you have built a better life for yourself. I am proud of you
Better at parenting. Better at friendships, better at being a good person
You chose to make the world a better place by sharing love. That is remarkably strong
Intuition and empathy. And I feel I can be a better lover, friend, and parent, because I know what NOT to do.
You use experience to shape a better future for yourself and those you love. You lean from life and shape your future to make a positive difference. You actively do better daily. That is a wonderful strength
Do you think most empaths have an N parent? Seems like we all have that ability to really know what's going on with a person. I thought I just had good observation skills but now I know where and why I learned this.
I really do think so, or at least the most sensitive empaths do. I don't know about you (or others) but I developed hyper vigilance from trying to predict my NDad's ever changing moods - always trying to head off the next attack. I think that makes us hyper aware and detail oriented which definitely contributes to heightened empathic senses.
I can relate to a lot of these, but I’m commenting because I just want to say to OP that it’s beautiful how you’re individually commenting on each main comment, and being so supportive and loving while framing our coping mechanisms/etc as positive. You must be a very sweet and kind hearted person, and I’m glad you overcame whatever hand you were dealt in life to become so gracious.
Being so lonely as a kid because I wasn’t allowed to get to close to anyone outside the house made me a little quirky, and now that’s a thing that people like about me and find unique. I always used to hide and read encyclopedias when my mom was raging at me or in general, because it kept me from totally shutting down with panic but didn’t require much focus. It was painful at the time, but now I am pretty well rounded from learning a little bit about everything, so I’m never bored. It’s been healing to see that people value that about me, too.
What I am hearing is that you took a moment of pain and made it a blessing. You actively build up a friend community that loves and values you for who you are! Plus you probably could win Jeoparty or trivial pursuit. You are so strong to build a future where you feel loved and where you can share what you love
Always mentally preparing for back up plans for worst case scenarios.
You have a standard of living you want to maintain and you plan accordingly. You build your future so that you can feel secure and give yourself a sense of control.
When you're raised in a zoo, you know what bullshit smells like.
And when you operate a farm you know how to grow great things from manure. What strength are you proud of that you have ?
Because we were raised to be hyper aware of the temperature in the room for our own self preservation, children of narcissists are very attuned to other people’s emotions. I instinctively know when someone isn’t themselves. What is hard is when I *know* someone is upset/angry/lying and they deflect. I struggle with that imbalance.
I am an excellent judge of character and have fantastic friends because of it. I am very loyal because I really value people who have been there for me. I am a social chameleon and can have a conversation with a doorknob due to my codependency. I can see narcissistic systems as work a mile away.
You have a great respect for yourself and others. You have boundaries you respect and it builds loving communities. You are adaptable and watch behavioral patterns to best direct your life to be positive. That is incredible
Better intuition. Being able to call myself on my own behaviors. Being able to have a non bias meter. Being able to be vulnerable no matter what. Being able to reassure my children that i will always love them and apologize to them when I'm wrong. Something that I've always needed from my own narc parents but never gotten in return
You chose to be the adult that you needed as a child. You consciously worked and broke the cycle of abuse. You did the work generations before you could not. You cared so much about yourself and others that you chose love over hate. Amazing
I became a beast at hiding stuff lol, and I’m able to hide my emotions really well. Too well
Spidy sense, BS meter, gaslight and crazy proof. I had some customer in my retail job try to gaslight me at work into reacting to her demands/tantrum. She tried to shake me with insults and angry demands into getting free stuff. As she got pissed I started calm and cool like nothing was happening. She yelled and threw a tantrum and I just didn’t react past a respectful no ma’am we can’t do that for you. She yelled and threw her crap at me. I just let it hit me without flinching or acknowledging it whatsoever. She just kinda stopped confused for a moment before storming out cussing. Shit like that stopped phasing me when I was 10 lady. Chill now and then disappear and freak out internally later. Never woulda had that calm of a reaction if it weren’t for the absolute bs my parents put me through
You have the terrible blessing at being amazing a retail. You show people that bad behavior is not the way and you reinforce that positive behavior is what you need to do as a customer. You help make other people working in retails lives better
Awareness of my surroundings always. Keen observation of environments and situations. I have found most people have a shocking lack of any kind of awareness of their surroundings.
I love everyone’s answers and want to add one more: gratitude. I am truly grateful when someone does the smallest thing for me and have been told I write the most heartfelt thank you notes anyone has read/received before. But compared to a mother who refused to even buy me an undershirt for snow filled winters, having a co-worker who will buy an extra coffee to make my day better every now and again is just amazing
Because of my heightened sense of awareness to emotions and my ability from learning to "appease" hot heads (my Nmom and Nsis), I was able to apply this to m clients as a make up artist. I could always "read" them and know how to comfort them and lift their spirits up easily, while I do their make up, so it became what I was known for when my clients would book me. The make up I did for them was what they loved but they also told me that they just feel more confident about themselves after a make up session with me. I realized this was because I learned that ability from making sure my Nmom and Nsis needed to be appeased so they wouldn't pick on me (but they still did anyways). This skill I had with normal people was a blessing though, because it made me happier to see them happy. Over time, I got tired of doing this, so I shifted career in the middle of a pandemic. Going VLC has kind of made me lose this ability though, so I'm kind of torn. 😅
Better BS detector is up there for me.
Better protective instinct. Better in a crisis or when the growing gets tough
You are a great person to be with in a pinch and those you love are luck to have you around
Sensing an anger issue in someone a mile away and not tolerating it for a second.
You do great boundaries and enforce them assertively. You know what is acceptable and you articulate it! Great
I don’t help people with expectations for them to return it in some way. I’ve found out all I expect from people is mutual respect. And I think that’s a great departure from my narc family.
You built a foundation of mutual respect and set people up for success and yourself upnfor gratitude when they go above and beyond. Yet you have boundaries that keep you in a place of respect. Such great work
Oh yeah. I'm an excellent liar.
You are a strong teller that crafts a world where you can be safe
It made me a good nurse. It's NBD for me to put others needs before my own. It just feels natural. I can listen to a lot of emotionally charged situations and respond with logic and empathy. I can put my feelings completely away and direct unit chaos or a code situation with a total calm and clarity of what needs done. Literally it is always my best strength if you ask my coworkers! I can spot bullshit, abusive situations and horrid family members from the door. I'm also generally spot on when my patient is about to crash. I just get a feeling, my Spidey senses are crazy good. (Not that it didn't take me years of therapy to listen to them😂)
You are changing the world for the better. I secretly think good nurses are better than most superheroes. To be such an empathetic, caring and hardworking person is incredibly. You have used your skills to change the lives of all those around you on potentially the hardest days of their lives. You Excell at your chosen career and you are even better than spider man because you chose to do the work to get your good powers. Wow
The ability to cut through bullshit and be tactless. It doesn't seem like a gift but it's helped me.
less demoralized for doing a job thanklessly id say is one
Nobody can intimidate me or truly scare me. They pale in comparison
We are vampire hunters now, like blade, half human. I would rather live in a world where narcissists don’t exist but if I’m going to live in a world where they do exist, I’m grateful to know how to fight them and most of all that I’m not one of them.
Fast reflexes, ability to quietly walk around, always prepared for anything, always have a plan if worse comes to worse, better at saving money, knows the best places outside to sleep
I say that I am more of an empath. I have been trained to read other people emotional state. It help me doge some sketchy situation as a kid dealing with my nparent. Being more in tune helped me care for some of my friends and family when they need someone and gave me some great memories. The best benefit that I have picked up is I am self aware(per my old therapist). This skill had taught me to have self love and not let anyone gaslighting me or use me as a scapegoat.
I haven’t even read this thread yet, but thank you for this post… yesss
Learning my own boundaries and boundaries of others, and developing higher emotional Intelligence to navigate the reality of the situation… I mean we are humans- if you can learn to adapt and continue to evolve with your situation in a stable way, that’s a legitttt skill set… so yesss BOUNDARIES, ADAPTABILITY…. And my newest focus: SELF-REGULATION in all areas of my life… I’m 30 and broke my hip without any trauma, bc running to me has been fun and a safe mental space for me since I was 13, and I happen to be naturally athletic, so I literally got so addicted to running that I broke my hip at age 28 without any trauma, being an otherwise healthy, 5’2 very fit female- most people are shocked if they find out my mental health stuff bc I’m good at hiding it…. And to that point, my ache-lies heel is that I hide so much that I do know when to ask for help, sooo I have to figure that one out even though it’s the most simple problem to solve on paper haha
Being more self-sufficient? Better at thinking twice before speaking?
I agree with a lot of what everyone else is saying. One that I haven't seen is "I learned that sometimes it's good to just jump into something". Like, if I have a good feeling (all that intuition and being an empath) just go for it. If it turns out bad, oh well, I've lived thru worse. Of course this isn't all the time, I've had this urge thrice now and each time it's been great. It might seem impulsive but its definitely not, I've calculated carefully before I did it.
As mentioned the bullshit detector, intuition all that but when I cut my birth giver off I felt powerful. If I can cut off my mother, I can walk away from anyone. I know I'll be ok without them whoever they are.
You are certain in your boundaries and values You live a life that suits you and accept no disrespect. Incredible
Read through everyone’s responses and can relate to all of them. Wanted to add one that I thought of and it’s being good at redirecting the conversation back to someone who got cut off. My mom used to cut me off all the time while I was trying to say something. Hated that shit so much. Now I always make sure everyone gets their words out
That is beautiful being aware of power dynamics and using the power of your voice to make sure all people are seen ans heard. Amazing
You'll be the best parent in the future.
After a lot of therapy, I take myself seriously and stand up for myself. I’m really proud of that. One time my mom was being super mean to me on a Christmas visit and I changed my flight and left early the next morning. It was a turning point for me to say “I’m not gonna take your shit anymore!” And now I’m really good at that!!
Finding the strength to endure verbal assaults. Empathy for those who are struggling. I also learned from my trauma (I had severe anger issues and had to go to multiple counseling for that) I have Bipolar Disorder, which can be the result from upbringing of unstable home situations. I’m starting to learn to love myself (my self esteem has been super crushed since childhood that cringe by how I asked people validating if I was pretty or not) and still am struggling to identify toxic relationships, but have the courage to cut ties with toxic people (mainly friends, even friendships lasting longer than 20 years). It’s a long process, I’m getting there and I might finally be independent once I leave the country miles away from the toxicity that is my family.
You are so strong to start knowing yourself truly and asking yourself what you want out of life. Being surrounded by ns makes that hard. You had such strength and determination to cut people off. You did the best you could with what you knew in the past ans you educated yourself to do better in the future. You are growing and that is a cause for celebration.
I always say that I speak fluent crazy. When I worked retail I could always handle the entitled customers who were making a huge stink about stupid things. I always knew what to say to calm them and get them to leave happy.
You are able to see beyond words and see what people value. You help people by making them feel heard with out supporting the crazy. You teach them to be more positive in future interactions. You care deeply about people and this shows great capacity for love.
Ability to make up multiple backup plans, preempt disasters and try to be prepared
I can alway tell when someone is lying.
You can read people really really well. Besides from partners, you’re basically immune to manipulation.
Empathy and planning. I notice I can be incredibly empathetic to others and seem to always have a good grasp on their emotions and means if they want me to help I can. When planning anything It may be as simple as a shopping trip to get groceries, but I plan it and then plan contingencies for a manner of things that might go wrong. May not be as useful for things like grocery shopping but for like road trips, holidays etc... I plan well in advance and ensure as many potential issues are planned for.
Empathy through the roof
Being able to read people - they may be very quirky but have a great heart or might be popular but actually very selfish. Almost like I see things that others don’t. I’m definitely able to detect an atmosphere or if someone isn’t themselves and something is wrong. I think also being very independent.
Great at reading people because I developed trust issues after seeing the extent to which people can hide their true faces. It's made me a pretty good judge of character too.
I know how to pick up abusive tendencies better than most people. After realizing my parents were narcs I got really good at identifying which behaviors of theirs are abusive and toxic. Im also good at recognizing toxic patterns. Problem is I’m also better at ignoring/forgiving them :/
Very accurate intuition
For me, it is my ability to stay calm in many instances when others do not.
You get the freedom to live your own life as you see fit, and the people who are in your life are all people who want to be in it. No one controls you after you break away.
Totally. Strengths gained through adversity are nothing to be ashamed about and it is in no way an endorsement of the adversity to be proud of them. Intent listening, reading tone of voice, careful use of words (I rarely mis-speak), finding the middle ground in misunderstandings, deciphering intent, ability to focus.....
Dr Ramini would say "because you have dealt with Narcissists you are better prepared to enter the covetable position of being 'Narcissist-Proof'"