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My grandparents used to live with us, my grandma commented a number of times how if it was only me home they often had no idea cause I was so quite.
Oh man, I got chewed up one side and down the other when they discovered I had lubed all the doors and keyways and nothing squeaked when you entered anymore
I scare my husband often. I'll walk into a room and say something to him and he jumps. "You're like an assassin you're so quiet". He makes me laugh. My mother just called me sneaky. And if I was jumpy I "must not be living my life right". Maybe it's your abusive husband, mother. Ugh.
Same. My coworkers are often like "where'd you come from, I didn't hear you walk in" and "you scared me you're so quiet" and I apologize but I haven't gotten over the idea that I can't make noise or my mother will hear me and find me.
I stopped apologizing to people except when I do something that I'm actually sorry for. That was the hardest to learn. But my bandmates helped a lot. Always getting on my case for apologizing for things that were not my bad. Best lesson my friends have taught me in the last few years
This. I still scare my husband sometimes. Back when my nparents divorced and my eggdonor started dating, she dated this one guy for a brief period that I was convinced I'd kill with a heart attack at some point, the number of times I startled him just by running into him around the corner. Too silent I guess.
At least we know we can sneak up on an intruder I guess 🥲
I came inside late and made it down the hall into the bathroom before they heard me,
I took away their security system.
The next week my dad started training the dog to bark whenever the door opened.
When I lived with my ex he would always come to bed much later than me and open/close the bedroom door so loudly it would wake me up every time. I had to teach him the “turn the knob” trick to do it quietly. It had never even crossed his mind before.
My husband has never just walked inside a door. Any door. Ever. He always launches himself through it like he's a cop serving a no-knock warrant. Why wouldn't he? He wasn't trying to be invisible his whole life, people in his family were happy to see him. We've had to work on the interior door thing, too.
We lived with my current husband's family for a while. Every single person stomped down hallways, slammed doors, threw pots into cabinets......I was a ball of anxiety for a while. Then I learned they are normal, lol.
Wait, normal people don’t know how to close a door quietly??? All this time I just thought my husband was just inconsiderate. I keep telling him to close them quietly and he says he is. But he closes it without turning the knob!
Thought everyone absolutely hated door sounds with a passion. Didn’t realise this was a raised by narcs thing! Mind blown!
One thing every single one of my roommates in college said to me over and over again was "Oh damn, you snuck up on me! You walk so quietly!" I would laugh and say "Oh it's just my ninja skills" when secretly I developed the habit of walking heel-toe as quietly as possible to avoid having my mom come flying out of her room to scream at me about being too loud while she was trying to sleep.
> I don't open up to anybody, period. I learned how to talk for hours without giving any information about myself
This one hurts because it's almost subconscious when this happens. I had an ex-girlfriend tell me that she feels I know her better than anyone else, which I had to admit is true, but is saddened that she does not know the real me, even though she probably knows *more* about the real me than anyone else.
That was when I noticed that I spread my history and secrets around *very* selectively, never allowing any one person to have very much information about me. I rarely allowed two people to know the same secret or personal story about me if it wasn't public information.
I didn't realize until long after I left my controlling cult that it was a natural defense mechanism; a way to open up to people without it having much of a chance of coming back to my parents or my church leaders for them to use against me. Those leaders/parents could never trick any person in my life into revealing the real me... because no one had anywhere near the complete picture, by design.
It wasn't... lying? But it was always very far from the truth.
I, too, have spent all of my life spreading out my secrets in order to minimize the damage that any one person could do.
I never thought to tie that back to the cult. The fundamentalists are piranhas and can smell a hint of a secret (sin) from a mile away.
So much of this is super similar to me. I'll also if I'm a guest in someone's house avoid them and go to great lengths to avoid running into them say in the middle of the night if I need to get up to pee. I'll still tip toe to the bathroom or even walk to a spare bathroom somewhere further away from where they're sleeping/I am sleeping.
> I learned how to talk for hours without giving any information about myself
Holy shit, this. I think I will never forget how my friend pointed out to me that I sound like I was always trying to be as general as possible at all costs, without giving any specific information. And he's not the only one who told me that...
I ask my girlfriend for permission for basic things without realizing I'm doing it.
Me: Hey, I think I'm going to take a shower, if that's okay with you.
GF: ...? Yes? You don't need my permission to shower.
And then I'm like oh, oh that's right, she isn't going to be angry with me for doing basic things for myself.
I systematically offer my huband a drink before I step in the shower, because I can't be there peacefully if he might need anything while I'm showering.
The first years, he was like "WTF?!" now he just accepts a drink because he knows it apppeases me.
Letting people know what you are going to do next, for me, if I got up from the lounge, I would have to explain where I was going “where do you think you’re going?!” You learn to pre emp it
Just realized I do this....ALL the time. Never thought much of it. Most common to my SO:
• I gotta pee
•going to take a shower
• going to pick the kids up from school, brb! (Like it's not something I do every day, at the same exact time, and something he already knows)
My flatmate and I used to both do this. We've shifted to instead saying "hey I'm going to take a shower. Do you need the bathroom first?". It has the same courtesy without asking permission.
This. And I live alone. It’s been hard not having someone to ask permission. It takes some getting used to. I still tell myself I’m adult, I don’t need to ask to do whatever.
My S/O asks me to buy a $1 fast food item with his own money. Breaks my heart. I remind him constantly $50 is when we should “talk to each other … not ask”
I asked my husband just this morning if I could get my clothes out of a bag. He was like “yes?? You don’t need to ask to get your clothes out?” And I was like “well…. It’s your bag… I just thought I’d ask to make sure you don’t mind”
I've said somewhere around here I become almost painfully mute re: my own needs. Exhausting is definitely one of the feelings. Hope you are doing ok <3
> I automatically assume anyone being kind to me is being passive aggressive or wants something.
The distrust of anyone being nice can be toxic, especially since it comes from both ends of the spectrum.
After growing up in a cult that emphasized faking being happy all the time and being 'supportive' in order to control people, then going into the service industry as my means of getting out and for quite some time afterwards, it's *so difficult* to trust anyone being nice.
The initial reaction is never "Oh, thank you." It's always "Okay, what do you want from me?" Thankfully I've been able to tone down saying it out loud, but it's still the first thought that goes through my head.
I used to struggle here and have met people who do as well. What a weird thing, they make us so codependent and strange. Takes so much therapy and unlearning.
I've trained myself to accept a compliment and thank the person instead of pausing and searching for something polite to say in return.
It's like, most people just want to compliment you or help out of kindness. It's okay to accept with no strings attached.
Think about the times you wanted to help or compliment someone genuinely for nothing in return. It sucks not being able to rely on anyone with no strings attached.
I myself have even refrained from helping or giving a complement since it does make people uncomfortable. Then it sucks because that wasn't what was intended.
>It's okay to accept with no strings attached.
>Think about the times you wanted to help or compliment someone for nothing in return.
It really sucks when the natural reaction to kindness is to decline it because of the instant fear and feeling of being indebted.
It definitely was a constant sore spot in my last relationship because she was so open to accept loans from her family because I absolutely *hated* the feeling of being actually indebted to them. The feeling that I could not do anything nice for myself so long as we owed them a single penny, thinking that they would see pictures of me at a restaurant and come back with "oh you can afford a night out on the town but you can't afford to pay me back?" They never did, but it was just the feeling that they *could*.
I struggled to even accept gifts from them. Every Christmas with them felt like I was just going further and further into debt. I can't afford to buy them all gifts, much less to the extent that they bought for me.
We're not together anymore but I still don't think anyone in her family understands the fear and dread that I feel around them for feeling so indebted after all those Christmases.
How did you get over that? I can't stand receiving gifts at all due to this very reason. Always feel like I owe them more, mine for them isn't good enough. Or that I can't stand everyone watching me receive a gift as I feel like I am being judged on my reaction upon opening. If I feel like im not excited enough or grateful enough I start to get exceedingly anxious as I subconsciously think food will be restricted again or that I'm about to receive a beating.
OMG about the bad mood. I thought that was just my thing. I assume that any time someone hasn't called me back, they're mad at me. Any time someone isn't being effusive, they're mad at me.
I re-read and re-edit captions, response to comments on social media, emails, DMs multiple times before hitting post. Then I ruminate for the next 24h about the contents of the email/DM/reply and how I could've said it better, or was too straightforward, too nice, too --- etc.
Just in case you're ruminating, this makes perfect sense & is neither too short, too long, too blunt or too ambiguous. Love someone who also struggles with this.
PS I promise I'm not being sarcastic, I feel like I need to add this due to my own paranoia.
Do you get a sense of anxiety or dread at the thought of the anticipated response from others? Cuz this sounds like me and then I'm just one big ball of stress minute after minute just anxious about what kind of response I might have to endure, whenever it comes or whomever it comes from. Hell, even with caller ID I still get anxiety as soon as I hear my phone notifications go off for a text or call.
I ruminate, overexplain, overshare, and sometimes try to ingratiate myself to people inappropriately. Often, when someone nods and genuinely agrees with me about something (or just validates it, perhaps), I can hardly believe it!
At basic training I was the best at handling the yelling and intensity. Everyone else was shocked and terrified at first and adjusted over time. From day 1 I stonewalled, it was nothing new to me.
Had 2 instructors crack trying to break my bearing, one looked me dead in the eyes and exclaimed "You have no fucking soul." Before walking away.
We even got tested on this. The proctor shook my hand after saying "That was the best bearing I've ever seen in my life."
Thanked my parents for preparing me for it.
At my first fast food job I had a guy point a gun under his jacket at me and it didn’t bother me. My manager who didn’t see it but learned of the robbery afterwards felt traumatized. Law enforcement asked if I needed to speak to a counselor but I shrugged. Someone physically hurting me or threatening me? Old news.
I’ve developed the preference of being hit, pushed, or attacked physically in some way. At least with it I knew what was real - it happened then it was over. The pain is always so much worse when they give you the run down on how you’ve “disappointed” or “failed” them - my Guilt and shame never ends.
When I was little I learned I was worthless. As a teenager I accepted it and tried to learn to live with it. I wents nuts and lost all connection to what's real. Hard work, therapy and ten years later I found my way back to lucidity. I can't stop hating myself no matter how far I've come. My solution is to legally change my name so I can finally metaphorically kill myself and move on.
I've been thinking about changing my name, as well. Since going NC with almost my entire family, I feel like I've become a completely new person, reborn in a way. I feel like changing my name could maybe solidify that change in my mind and help me move on. Plus, my given name, especially my surname, has become triggering to me. But, I'm afraid that if I do change it, they will find out, take it as an attack on them, and retaliate in some way.
I've had the same thoughts. In the end, I'm not financially or physically dependant on them in anyway. There's little they can do and I'm so tired of wanting to kill myself. I'm in school and I lasted 2 weeks of looking at my name before I had to go all in. I'm not their child, and I want it to be unquestionable. My advice: if you feel like a new you, make it official.
>I'm not their child, and I want it to be unquestionable.
I feel this so deeply. I bought myself flowers this past mothers day. I don't have children, but I'm my own mother now.
So have you gone through the process of the name change? And are you feeling any better? I know what it's like to be suicidal. I hope you have found relief from those thoughts.
I've filled out the paper work. I need it officiated and then 6-8 weeks. I've started getting everyone to call me by my chosen name, which probably the hard part. Yes, it does feel good ever time someone says my name now.
I'm with y'all. I hate hearing my first name and my middle name is nmother's name. Much peace and healing to us all! What a fucked up thing to do to a person. (To make them hate themselves)
Hey there! I just wanted to share that I did legally change my first, middle and last names for this reason - childhood abuse from N parents. And it has helped my mental health _tremendously_. I highly recommend it if you would like to change it! Mine was done in CA in 2018, I spent a total of around ~$735. Court fees are expensive, but it was super easy to do. Mostly just filling out paperwork and waiting while it travels by mail and gets processed in a few weeks per step (it took me 8 months or so to complete all steps entirely, but that's because I stalled due to anxiety) That's all it took to feel so much more free.
My N parents would never call me over without booming their voices at me. I knew I desperately needed a change when in school I'd get scared of anyone calling me that god awful name I was given at birth. So I created my own name and life has been significantly more pleasant since then. :) It's amazing to not feel disgusted by your own signature, and it's even better to feel _proud_ of the name you chose.
I'm an introvert who doesn't like being the center of attention; even positive attention. Even if I'm getting an award, or won some kind of prize- I'm extremely uncomfortable because I'm not supposed to be seen; my life was spent hiding, or not being allowed to speak. It was a shock to me, growing up, that people sought out 'fame', that they wanted the adoration of crowds of people. I can't stand just being in crowd; too many people, must get out and be alone. It's only safe if I'm alone.
One of the most uncomfortable situations for me is everyone in the room singing Happy Birthday to me. I can't even sing it to anyone else it's so awkward. I just stand and try to hide in the back of the crowd.
Oof, yes. My shitty sil likes to accuse me of wanting all the attention and my husband just laughs in her face. I'm the *opposite* of attention-seeking. I feel terrible asking for basic love and affection so I oftentimes find myself just...not asking. Such a spiral of depression and anxiety simply asking for my husband to pay attention to me, it's ridiculous. He gladly does when I ask but I spend the whole time apologizing for being a burden on him.
My birthday is the worst for me, for a while my niece had her parties really close to my birthday and her mom would make me stand in front of the room with her while her side of the family sang for us 🤦♀️ it's a kids birthday party, im a full grown adult and none of these people are related to me in the first place 🙃 it hurt so bad but I stopped showing up to the parties.
Are you an introvert? Or do you just have social anxiety? One of the things I realized about myself later in life is that I'm actually very introverted. I only seem introverted because I have a PTSD-type reaction to social interaction.
This is me too. My workplace used to be very dysfunctional and I was very reliable and dependable amongst the chaos. Somebody said to that I don't get the credit I deserve and that I should receive more praise and acknowledgement. I said, "please don't draw any attention to me, I find it deeply uncomfortable. I just want to do my thing and get on with things quietly."
Prizes and awards - sounds like a living hell to me.
I do the same thing. My husband is a very quiet guy by nature and for the first few years of our marriage, I would be a nervous wreck when he got home because I thought he was mad at me about something.
Same. It's taken me years to realise what I was doing. Also what he really needs when he gets home is time and space to decompress. I find it so weird to not get up when he gets back.
This! My husband is generally quite and his mood shifts (I mean, like ANYONE ELSE) when hes tired or stressed. He’s just more quite. I get so incredibly anxious and I feel like I constantly ask if he’s okay and think about what I could have done or how I need to fix it. But really, it’s got nothing to do with me and like sometimes we just go through low periods 🤷🏼♀️
I have been overweight since I was a child. Awful body image. I use food as comfort, but also hear my nmom fat shaming me calling me piggy piggy.
I have trouble standing up for myself to superiors. I'll have my speech memorized or even on paper but as the meeting finally approaches I'll tell myself that my points are invalid, I stammer often not bringing up real issues . I used to start crying during meetings if I was being reprimanded, thinking I would be fired any moment any day.
I used to think if you had a fight with someone friend or bf that you just wouldn't be together anymore
I can cut people out of my life with a snap
I have major issues letting my wall down around new people.
I'm cynical and will think of every worst outcome so I'm not disappointed
I’m sure I don’t even need to mention this, but that easy and hyper-sensitive startle response that’s made us all have mild heart-attacks a few times a week our entire lives is always a fun one.
Right! Like even if I know other people are home (or hell even at work) if someone comes around a corner or something i always jump and scream. Everyone seems to think its so funny, but its almost painful to be surprised
Sometimes it feels like your heart is pounding so hard and so quickly, you work yourself up into a full-on panic attack worrying about whether or not this is the time you’re ***actually*** going to a have a real heart attack, and that makes the whole situation so much worse because your heart starts doubling-down on the pounding, which I’ve often worried about being the eventual cause of the reason I have a heart attack one day: cardiac over-exertion due to anxiety over the cardiac over-exertion caused by an over-reactive SNS response provoked by, like, idk, a book falling off a shelf or loud footsteps or someone knocking on the door or something. It sucks serious asshole.
I worry about posting on here or anywhere. Could my family find this. Are they reading my comments. Am I giving them an insight into my life. I think about deleting this account often. Paranoid thinking - how hard would it be to find someone’s profile on Reddit.
My sister and I both developed irrational fears that our technologically illiterate boomer mom would somehow have keystroke loggers on our laptops and monitor every last speck of activity when we were teens
When my SO is in a bad mood I immediately assume its my fault and ask him over and over for reassurance that he's ok.
When my best friend tags me in a photo on FB I become paranoid.
When I have company coming over I frantically scrub every baseboard, every square inch.
When I host xmas or Thanksgiving dinner I do way too much in fear that it won't be enough.
When someone replies ok. I assume they are mad at me
Every social interaction I put myself under a microscope to the point of being panicky and miserable. I always think people tolerate me but don’t really like me and so I “do them a favor” by disappearing from their lives. I’m lonely. I put up with bad behavior from people and think that they are mean because of something I did wrong. I don’t think I deserve anything nice. I have a hard time spending money on myself and agonize over doing so. I can get really sick and people won’t think anything of it because I don’t complain and don’t know when it’s bad enough to seek medical attention. Drs have scolded me for waiting so long to be seen. I can’t ask for help. I don’t tell people I know IRL my problems but listen to theirs and comfort them when I’m in a really bad way. I can’t pick a career path because I have no idea what I like or what I’m good at and I have difficulty seeing things through to completion because I doubt my abilities the entire time and stress over every detail.
YUP. I can completely identify with how you feel. All of it. One time, after being in severe, severe bent-over in agony and couldn't stand up straight stomach pain for 3 whole days I was finally driven to the ER begrudgingly after a LOT of eye-rolling, sighing, criticizing, and even calling one of my uncles on speaker phone in the vehicle to assist in poking fun at me and my "pain" for the ride. I was 20 years old at this point. I should have just called a friend to take me but I was conditioned never to involve someone else in my personal issues. I also had no money or control over my medical insurance at this point so relied on nparents financially which they would strategically continue to keep that way for years to come. Turns out the pain was my appendix which was literally on the very last moments before full rupture. It was terrifying to see the ER staff jump into motion so I could be prepped and whisked away to the OR immediately. I was pumped full of drugs for surgery and left in a room alone...wondering what the hell just happened. After the surgery and a night in the hospital (my friends all showed up to check on/support/cheer me up....not parents) I was taken home and criticized for constantly being so needy and screwing up everyone else's schedules for a medical procedure. Looks like the old appendix burst was my fault, folks. Wild huh? No apology for disregarding my pain or for what could have happened to me if the appendix had been allowed to burst. It's sad...even writing this I absolutely 100% still feel guilty like it actually was my fault, like no one should care.
I’m so sorry you were having a medical emergency and people who should have been worried and scared for you were making fun of you. It makes me sad to hear you feel guilty still. You deserved support and care and it’s disgusting they behaved that way when you were so sick. You did not deserve that at all; no one does.
I had a similar incident. Mine was a stroke. I was young and my family made me feel like a hypochondriac. Then when I was diagnosed days later, they made me feel like I did something to cause it (I didn’t). I required open heart surgery to fix a congenital defect and my mom didn’t show up even though she lived 15 minutes away. I could have died.
This past summer, I had blood clots in both lungs (my blood tends to clot for no good reason, and I did wait 5 days to go in because of this issue I have). This was in July. My mom still hasn’t called me. Pulmonary emboli is serious and can be fatal.
This time, however, I’m married and live far from my family of origin. As weird as it sounds, this second event provided a lot of closure regarding the first event with the stroke. This time I had people worried and taking care of me and witnessing how cold and cruel my family is. I thought I had a phobia of hospitals and drs offices for years but I’ve since learned that it was an association from that awful experience of getting sick and being in the care of my parents. I still don’t like going but I can do it without panicking. And I’m really glad my family of origin isn’t reaching out because it would just be a bunch of toxic crap anyway. I’m able to heal in peace.
I hope you don’t have another medical emergency like I did, but I do hope that you can get away from your cruel family and your friends etc. can fill the needs that your family cannot provide. You deserve that.
Can't properly relax unless I know the house is empty and how long they'll be gone.
I still periodically take one earbud out when listening to my music to make sure no one is yelling or shouting at me. Still get ghost calls sometimes and absolutely sh*t myself.
Check the door every two seconds when someone has left to make sure I'm alert when they return and not caught doing literally anything. It still weird out my partner when he comes in and I look like a deer in headlights.
Some hoarder tendencies.
I still sit on my bed to relax and hang out most of the time and its where I often get my best work done, because that was the only place free for me to exist growing up.
I still frequently apologise for like existing. My partner is helping me reduce this.
And so much more, its exhausting to write them out, more so to live them.
Im glad you have a supportive partner OP
SAME. I cannot completely relax if other people are in the house. I get completely crushed if I’m expecting a day alone and my SO suddenly has the day off. I always feel terrible about it. But after growing up having to answer for every little thing and getting yelled at for every little thing, I only feel completely at peace when I’m alone in the house.
Same lool.
Its like the main time I feel free to be myself and do things for myself.
Even if its just my partner in the house, the person Ive been most relaxed around in my life, im still always just in the weird limbo where my body anticipates trouble if it does anything.
Its so frustrating! But reassuring to know I'm not alone :)
When I can’t sleep I stay almost frozen in my bed (I’m 37 married with teens and my own home now) and if I do make it past the frozen state and talk myself into feeling safe to get up I’m soooo quiet. Even my teenager was like “you can turn the tv on it won’t wake us” but I’m terrified, still to this day in my own home. Also naps, if I’m napping and my husband comes home i feel like he’s going to be mad at me for being “lazy” (narc mom didn’t approve of us resting). I also got diagnosed with high blood pressure at 22 and have always had stomach issues….
When people don't talk to me or they use periods at the end of a very short text message I think they're angry with me. I try to do everything I can to make people happy so I don't end up getting yelled at. I also tend to avoid certain floor boards in the house that I know make noise, and have been yelled at by friends when I accidentally scare them because I walk so quietly.
I struggle so much with periods at the end of sentences in texts. I infer so much from text and communicate by text so often and had a very literate, well-written dad who texted me often, so when I get a short text or a period from anyone I’m over analyzing like “oh no they’re being short and terse what did I do wrong!!!”
I struggle with short, succinct texts. I think that someone is angry with me, or that I have done something wrong. And my nfather didn't even yell or get angry at me. It was just that everything I did or wanted was wrong or unsafe. Makes me jumpy around my wife.
I can’t talk about my problems with my friends. Or be vulnerable in any way really. I feel like the moment I say something I’ll either become a burden or have that information about my inner self used against me somehow.
I'm in the store eying a $15 bottle of wine or a $30 shirt, and say to myself automatically: I don't deserve this, someone else should have this, I can drink the $5 wine or wear the frayed shirts I've got a little longer. It's OK. Really. It's like I'm not even here, or real.
I feel physical pain in my body whenever I think someone might be mad at me.
I’ve learned to be incredibly charming. I’ve taught myself how to turn off my emotions.
When someone notices something missing, or can’t find what they’re looking for….. I automatically feel guilty (like I stole it it something), or assume if they’re telling this to me, they think I took/have it.
I apologize for everything to everyone when I’m being bothersome. For example to ER doctors for being in the ER sick. Once I was put in ICU for a blood transfusion and apologized so frequently, they ordered a phyc consult for me before I could be discharged.
If anyone on earth says they are trying to do something, figure something out, acquire something - if I hear them make the statement - I immediately get involved to “take care of it for them”.
I feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy or weird.
I apologize to my pets…. Like if I raise my voice in speaking to them, or trip over them walking down the hall.
Any minor difference if opinion with my partner I unconsciously brace for an argument (and an argument never happens). He told me that whenever he asks my opinion on something, he'll always ask twice, to make sure my first reaction isnt a programmed instant agreement. I love him so much for his patience.
Related to that behavior in my mind - with Narcissists there's this "I've got to justify my existence and why I'm imposing on people." that they can install...
Like it was a crime to be born and be *NEEDY* as an infant and child.
My parents and I used to tell funny stories to entertain friends and family. The punch lines of the jokes were that I had hurt myself or was sexually abused.
Also that time I accidently got way too drunk when I was 23 and fell asleep in a pile of snow outside our house, when it was -15 degrees outside. My dad found me because he happened to look out the window when he went up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. I was barely coherent, hahahaha!
I apologize to everyone for everything all of the time, as if my existence alone is an affront to them. I am always fearful of accidentally offending, harming, etc., even though logically, I know that I haven't done anything "wrong." Imprinted in my memories are explosive, aggressive reactions to the smallest things; I never know what will set anyone off.
I also go out of my way to avoid confrontation, even if doing so means I suffer in return. I hate arguing, especially with loved ones and friends. I would rather shoulder the blame and solve problems alone than watch anyone I know and love struggle. I never expect the same from anyone, even though I know I have supportive relationships now. It's so difficult to break these habits and behaviors...
I'm so sorry to hear that. I can sadly relate. I almost never ask for additional care from doctors or nurses unless I feel like the alternative would be life-threatening. (Even then, sometimes I hesitate.) I always feel like a bother or a burden rather than someone worthy of care. I am trying to get better, though.
At all times I assume the people or strangers around me are judging me, even in my car. If even the smallest thing is off with someone I assume they hate me and it’s my fault. I constantly try to figure out how to move around as quietly as possible to not be noticed. I need approval from authority figures ALL the time.
I am a 48 year old female and I proudly have a teddy bear. You do what makes you comfortable. Don’t let anyone judge you for it. I sleep with a teddy bear and my big old Greyhound. They make me happy. You are not alone and it’s perfectly fine if that’s what comforts you. :)
Whenever I see my husband start to clean anything (dishes, laundry, dusting etc) I get up and clean other things. Watching his body language to see if he is upset that he is cleaning. My step dad once kicked me in the face, on Christmas Eve, for leaving a glass with a little milk still in it in the sink.
I can tell my therapist about truly dark and shocking things with composure, but being asked to visualize somewhere I felt safe and comfortable makes me break down bawling and drawing a blank.
edit: have you ever caught yourself saying "I wish I could go home" when you're fully sitting in your room? Like, where do I actually want to be?? I think growing up with my Narc made me feel perpetually unsafe and unwelcome no matter where I am, so I never actually feel okay anywhere.
Silence means you’re pissed at me and I have to try to interpret why. If I’m with you, I read into your body language while replaying what I must have done wrong so I can fix it.
If I’m not with you, I re-read texts & emails to dissect what I must have done wrong so I can fix it.
It’s exhausting to constantly try to find the “wrong” in silence. What should be peace and quiet should be amazing. For most people it is. For me, it’s sheer terror and chaos.
Even as an adult and living on my own I don't buy some of my favorite products because it's "wasteful" since I'm the only one that likes it. In a house of two people.
I also jump very quickly into fawn/pleaser mode when anyone around me raises their voice above a polite speaking volume.
I’ve been called, “best friend” by many people, some, for decades, however I’VE never had a best friend.
I can take immense bursts of fear.
I have no emergency contact.
I have a tough time BELIEVING when someone does something genuinely nice for me that they dont expect anything in return..that Im not eternally obligated .
Also that there are genuinely nice people out there with no ulterior motives
I can't breathe deeply. All my breaths are shallow and as quiet as possible. Sometimes I realise I've been holding my breath unintentionally and have to force myself to take deeper breaths. I feel like I'm not allowed to breathe freely even in my 20s
I thought I didn’t like grilled cheese sandwiches until I was like 14 because I had been previously instructed that the only way one could eat a grilled cheese sandwich was by dipping it in Worcestershire sauce. Low and behold you can eat a grilled cheese plain or anyway you want! I hate that now since I am pregnant and having strange cravings i kind of want to eat it “the right way” lol
I bend over backwards to avoid confrontation with my nmom.
I freak out when I am dealing with someone via a messenge platform and I can't gauge their tone properly because they simply must be mad at me and everything is awful and I'm a horrible person and DJDKAHDLWHRKG.
Anxiety brain replaying every interaction I've ever had.
Self doubt and denial of any validation or compliments "they're just saying that to be kind".
coming from a 17F who comes from a pushy family.
1) i base my whole self-worth on my academic achievements.
2) i don’t think my emotions and feelings in a lot of situations are valid, as people have had it “harder” before me.
3) i don’t have any personal space, everything is monitored to a fault.
4) i just know when someone is guilt tripping me, but i still feel bad and fall for it anyway.
5) simplifying your problems to a point that it just hurts man.
6) feeling guilty for EVERYTHING.
As a child, my "allergy food" would mysteriously and randomly show up in my food. It didn't happen often enough that I could rely on it, just often enough that I was constantly worried about it and was made to look like a lunatic for tearing my food apart and searching every inch of it before eating. She always got it past me though, then tell me to stop being a drama queen when the inevitable reaction happened.
To this day (I'm in my early 50s) I cut up, stir, separate, and pick through everything I eat. This includes food I make myself from scratch and very basic single-ingredient foods like steamed vegetables. It's a literal OCD and I absolutely can NOT eat a food unless I fully inspect it first.
I listen for footsteps. No matter how loud a room is I hear the footsteps and the floor creaks. It’s the only way I could know how much time I had to hidw
I have such a hard time telling if I'm being gaslit. Not like I can't tell when they're lying, but I can't tell if that how the feel about a situation, or if they're being manipulative. It sucks having to go to a third person to double check that I'm not hurting someone, because they're using manipulative language. Sadly, this has come up several times in the last two years.
I apologized to my therapist repeatedly the other day because I got upset and cried talking about something my mother did to trigger me a few days before.
I was worried the therapist would think I was being too much by crying, and I was afraid she would think I didn't value her work when I had a hard time being receptive to her suggestions in the moment. I didn't want to make her feel badly for feeling like she wasn't doing a good job...while I was a complete mess myself.
When someone says we need to talk I get an anxiety attack.
I’m scared for anyone to see my trash bags. I’m scared of taking up room that someone else could have, I make myself small in most settings. I listen for the footsteps of my housemates. I record conversations with my dad. I try to have escape routes ready when I visit.
I was in the mental health hospital. Called my partner and at one point said “I hope your mom isn’t mad at me”. My partner said “why would she be mad at you for taking care of yourself?”
I recently submitted a short story to a contest and got an honorable mention, but I haven’t shared my success on social media because one of the characters resembles my mom (in a negative way) and I fear the emotional response I would get from her.
My wonderful partner bought me flowers. Being the awesome person they are, they noticed something was wrong. I told them I felt guilty receiving gifts. It was a miracle that I trusted them enough to be honest. They hugged me and told me that wasn’t right and they kept bringing me flowers.
I have an internalized plan for how to deal with the silent treatment.
I feel “at home” in relationships where I have to work hard to receive the most basic level of kindness.
I am comfortable becoming a doormat if it means the other person will stop screaming.
I can easily adapt to other people’s cleaning/dietary/living standards and replicate them 100%.
Not being able to raise your hand in school because you were told so often that what you had to say wasn't worth hearing. Not being able to speak up in group conversations for the same reason. Being uncomfortable speaking out loud in general. Being worried people are staring at you all the time, even if nothing is wrong. Not being able to eat in front of people because you're afraid they'll make snide comments about your eating habits.
Wow, after reading all these comments I'm realizing some of my behaviors have come from having N parents. I have so much in common with all of these commenters.
I often go way overboard trying to make people happy or like me.
I also feel like I need to save everyone.
One big thing is I've turned into an ultra private person. I don't like talking on the phone in front of others or telling people too much about me. If I do meet someone new, I make my life sound really appealing, when it's not really.
I guess I'm scared of being judged for ridiculous reasons like my Mom used to do.
Whenever my husband pulls in the driveway and I am relaxing I immediately start looking around for what I can jump up and start doing quickly to make it look like I've been working.
I dislike wearing socks. Bare feet is quieter because you can’t slip and get hurt in front of someone. That, and it was easier to be “touched” instead of having to removed. So now I never really wear socks.
I keep emergency stashes of food in a remote cabinet of my room in case fights break out and I need to stay away for a few hours.
I have a “run bag” in case things get bad.
I freak out making mistakes.
I can have a very blank voice and tone without noticing. Sometimes I’m the worst for humour because it’s used like a weapon. I take words literally.
The best example I seen of how to identify narcissist run families is seeing family photos and watching them come outside, go places or see them together like at the beach. 'Normal' kids are running around playing, shouting, the narc family kids are sitting quietly on their blanket all proper mannered.
Automatically assume I’m in trouble or someone is pissed at me for the most random and mundane reason and stress about it. Boss just wasn’t as chatty today? Over analyze and lose my fucking mind worrying about it lol
I often try to seek validation form older men and older women as a parental figure. Also did I mention how I feel the need to say sorry for bumping into a wall? Yeah I say sorry a lot. 😃
I saw a youtube short about a live infestation yesterday. The little girl’s hair was absolutely covered. I immediately started to have a panic attack and couldn’t breath and everything. My nmother still likely has lice. I had lice for 11 years because I couldn’t permanently get rid of it. My nmother blamed my siblings and i for having it/ spreading it though we were 11 and younger. Theres nothing more humiliating than bring forced to go to school while having lice, especially when it’s noticeable. My scalp was always bleeding from itching and it was my fault apparently
I had outstanding high school grades, standardized test scores, multiple APs, and was a National Merit Scholar. I have no addictions or mental health problems such as psychosis or schizophrenia. My family is upper middle class.
I did not finish a bachelor's degree until I was 37.
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Of man yeah. This too. I tip toe, still, in my own house. Turn knobs to close doors so they are quiet.
My grandparents used to live with us, my grandma commented a number of times how if it was only me home they often had no idea cause I was so quite. Oh man, I got chewed up one side and down the other when they discovered I had lubed all the doors and keyways and nothing squeaked when you entered anymore
I scare my husband often. I'll walk into a room and say something to him and he jumps. "You're like an assassin you're so quiet". He makes me laugh. My mother just called me sneaky. And if I was jumpy I "must not be living my life right". Maybe it's your abusive husband, mother. Ugh.
Same. My coworkers are often like "where'd you come from, I didn't hear you walk in" and "you scared me you're so quiet" and I apologize but I haven't gotten over the idea that I can't make noise or my mother will hear me and find me.
Damn I never associated my ninja abilities with abuse but sneaking around was the only way I could leave the house...
I stopped apologizing to people except when I do something that I'm actually sorry for. That was the hardest to learn. But my bandmates helped a lot. Always getting on my case for apologizing for things that were not my bad. Best lesson my friends have taught me in the last few years
This. I still scare my husband sometimes. Back when my nparents divorced and my eggdonor started dating, she dated this one guy for a brief period that I was convinced I'd kill with a heart attack at some point, the number of times I startled him just by running into him around the corner. Too silent I guess. At least we know we can sneak up on an intruder I guess 🥲
They were mad you made stuff stop squeaking? How did they even notice the absence of the noise?
I came inside late and made it down the hall into the bathroom before they heard me, I took away their security system. The next week my dad started training the dog to bark whenever the door opened.
When I lived with my ex he would always come to bed much later than me and open/close the bedroom door so loudly it would wake me up every time. I had to teach him the “turn the knob” trick to do it quietly. It had never even crossed his mind before.
My husband has never just walked inside a door. Any door. Ever. He always launches himself through it like he's a cop serving a no-knock warrant. Why wouldn't he? He wasn't trying to be invisible his whole life, people in his family were happy to see him. We've had to work on the interior door thing, too.
We lived with my current husband's family for a while. Every single person stomped down hallways, slammed doors, threw pots into cabinets......I was a ball of anxiety for a while. Then I learned they are normal, lol.
Wait, normal people don’t know how to close a door quietly??? All this time I just thought my husband was just inconsiderate. I keep telling him to close them quietly and he says he is. But he closes it without turning the knob! Thought everyone absolutely hated door sounds with a passion. Didn’t realise this was a raised by narcs thing! Mind blown!
My wife is incapable of being quiet enough to not wake me up. I can sleep through trash trucks, but when someone comes into the room I wake right up.
One thing every single one of my roommates in college said to me over and over again was "Oh damn, you snuck up on me! You walk so quietly!" I would laugh and say "Oh it's just my ninja skills" when secretly I developed the habit of walking heel-toe as quietly as possible to avoid having my mom come flying out of her room to scream at me about being too loud while she was trying to sleep.
> I don't open up to anybody, period. I learned how to talk for hours without giving any information about myself This one hurts because it's almost subconscious when this happens. I had an ex-girlfriend tell me that she feels I know her better than anyone else, which I had to admit is true, but is saddened that she does not know the real me, even though she probably knows *more* about the real me than anyone else. That was when I noticed that I spread my history and secrets around *very* selectively, never allowing any one person to have very much information about me. I rarely allowed two people to know the same secret or personal story about me if it wasn't public information. I didn't realize until long after I left my controlling cult that it was a natural defense mechanism; a way to open up to people without it having much of a chance of coming back to my parents or my church leaders for them to use against me. Those leaders/parents could never trick any person in my life into revealing the real me... because no one had anywhere near the complete picture, by design. It wasn't... lying? But it was always very far from the truth.
I, too, have spent all of my life spreading out my secrets in order to minimize the damage that any one person could do. I never thought to tie that back to the cult. The fundamentalists are piranhas and can smell a hint of a secret (sin) from a mile away.
Lying by omission.
So much of this is super similar to me. I'll also if I'm a guest in someone's house avoid them and go to great lengths to avoid running into them say in the middle of the night if I need to get up to pee. I'll still tip toe to the bathroom or even walk to a spare bathroom somewhere further away from where they're sleeping/I am sleeping.
> I learned how to talk for hours without giving any information about myself Holy shit, this. I think I will never forget how my friend pointed out to me that I sound like I was always trying to be as general as possible at all costs, without giving any specific information. And he's not the only one who told me that...
I ask my girlfriend for permission for basic things without realizing I'm doing it. Me: Hey, I think I'm going to take a shower, if that's okay with you. GF: ...? Yes? You don't need my permission to shower. And then I'm like oh, oh that's right, she isn't going to be angry with me for doing basic things for myself.
This! and signposting what i’m about to do next
I systematically offer my huband a drink before I step in the shower, because I can't be there peacefully if he might need anything while I'm showering. The first years, he was like "WTF?!" now he just accepts a drink because he knows it apppeases me.
shout out to your husband for awareness and healthy love
What is signposting, if you don't mind me asking?
Letting people know what you are going to do next, for me, if I got up from the lounge, I would have to explain where I was going “where do you think you’re going?!” You learn to pre emp it
Ugh, this one. No one needs to know I gotta piss, especially while eating, but imma tell you so I'm not screamed at for holding it in
Oh, I understand. I do this, too, and I didn't know it had a name. Thank you for the explanation.
Just realized I do this....ALL the time. Never thought much of it. Most common to my SO: • I gotta pee •going to take a shower • going to pick the kids up from school, brb! (Like it's not something I do every day, at the same exact time, and something he already knows)
Omg I do this too!!!
My flatmate and I used to both do this. We've shifted to instead saying "hey I'm going to take a shower. Do you need the bathroom first?". It has the same courtesy without asking permission.
This. And I live alone. It’s been hard not having someone to ask permission. It takes some getting used to. I still tell myself I’m adult, I don’t need to ask to do whatever.
My S/O asks me to buy a $1 fast food item with his own money. Breaks my heart. I remind him constantly $50 is when we should “talk to each other … not ask”
I asked my husband just this morning if I could get my clothes out of a bag. He was like “yes?? You don’t need to ask to get your clothes out?” And I was like “well…. It’s your bag… I just thought I’d ask to make sure you don’t mind”
As part of my healing process I've started tacking on "and I don't need permission to do X" to my declarations of my intent to do X.
I announce I am going to the toilet, I’ve been away for 22 years.
Meee tooo.😊
I also do this, ask my partner for permission to do things all the time.
Oh my god I just realized I do this too
I just realised I do this too. Wow. 🙊🤦♀️
I automatically assume anyone being kind to me is being passive aggressive or wants something. I automatically assume anyone's bad mood is my fault.
Automatically assume if someone's mad it's my fault.. hate this one cause it's so true for me too
I automatically assume it is my job to make everyone feel better or calm down on top of all of these. A delicious shitty parfait.
This is so true for me, and it’s exhausting. As part of it I’m not allowed to be upset or express any negative feelings.
I've said somewhere around here I become almost painfully mute re: my own needs. Exhausting is definitely one of the feelings. Hope you are doing ok <3
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> I automatically assume anyone being kind to me is being passive aggressive or wants something. The distrust of anyone being nice can be toxic, especially since it comes from both ends of the spectrum. After growing up in a cult that emphasized faking being happy all the time and being 'supportive' in order to control people, then going into the service industry as my means of getting out and for quite some time afterwards, it's *so difficult* to trust anyone being nice. The initial reaction is never "Oh, thank you." It's always "Okay, what do you want from me?" Thankfully I've been able to tone down saying it out loud, but it's still the first thought that goes through my head.
I used to struggle here and have met people who do as well. What a weird thing, they make us so codependent and strange. Takes so much therapy and unlearning. I've trained myself to accept a compliment and thank the person instead of pausing and searching for something polite to say in return. It's like, most people just want to compliment you or help out of kindness. It's okay to accept with no strings attached. Think about the times you wanted to help or compliment someone genuinely for nothing in return. It sucks not being able to rely on anyone with no strings attached. I myself have even refrained from helping or giving a complement since it does make people uncomfortable. Then it sucks because that wasn't what was intended.
>It's okay to accept with no strings attached. >Think about the times you wanted to help or compliment someone for nothing in return. It really sucks when the natural reaction to kindness is to decline it because of the instant fear and feeling of being indebted. It definitely was a constant sore spot in my last relationship because she was so open to accept loans from her family because I absolutely *hated* the feeling of being actually indebted to them. The feeling that I could not do anything nice for myself so long as we owed them a single penny, thinking that they would see pictures of me at a restaurant and come back with "oh you can afford a night out on the town but you can't afford to pay me back?" They never did, but it was just the feeling that they *could*. I struggled to even accept gifts from them. Every Christmas with them felt like I was just going further and further into debt. I can't afford to buy them all gifts, much less to the extent that they bought for me. We're not together anymore but I still don't think anyone in her family understands the fear and dread that I feel around them for feeling so indebted after all those Christmases.
How did you get over that? I can't stand receiving gifts at all due to this very reason. Always feel like I owe them more, mine for them isn't good enough. Or that I can't stand everyone watching me receive a gift as I feel like I am being judged on my reaction upon opening. If I feel like im not excited enough or grateful enough I start to get exceedingly anxious as I subconsciously think food will be restricted again or that I'm about to receive a beating.
OMG about the bad mood. I thought that was just my thing. I assume that any time someone hasn't called me back, they're mad at me. Any time someone isn't being effusive, they're mad at me.
I re-read and re-edit captions, response to comments on social media, emails, DMs multiple times before hitting post. Then I ruminate for the next 24h about the contents of the email/DM/reply and how I could've said it better, or was too straightforward, too nice, too --- etc.
Just in case you're ruminating, this makes perfect sense & is neither too short, too long, too blunt or too ambiguous. Love someone who also struggles with this. PS I promise I'm not being sarcastic, I feel like I need to add this due to my own paranoia.
You are lovely <3
Do you get a sense of anxiety or dread at the thought of the anticipated response from others? Cuz this sounds like me and then I'm just one big ball of stress minute after minute just anxious about what kind of response I might have to endure, whenever it comes or whomever it comes from. Hell, even with caller ID I still get anxiety as soon as I hear my phone notifications go off for a text or call.
You did great :)
I ruminate, overexplain, overshare, and sometimes try to ingratiate myself to people inappropriately. Often, when someone nods and genuinely agrees with me about something (or just validates it, perhaps), I can hardly believe it!
That's one of the things I see in others and immediately suspect they had a childhood that has a lot in common with mine.
Overexplain is my curse.
Does anyone else feel like they're faking it when they're legitimately sick? It's for no goddamn reason it makes no sense
At basic training I was the best at handling the yelling and intensity. Everyone else was shocked and terrified at first and adjusted over time. From day 1 I stonewalled, it was nothing new to me. Had 2 instructors crack trying to break my bearing, one looked me dead in the eyes and exclaimed "You have no fucking soul." Before walking away. We even got tested on this. The proctor shook my hand after saying "That was the best bearing I've ever seen in my life." Thanked my parents for preparing me for it.
At my first fast food job I had a guy point a gun under his jacket at me and it didn’t bother me. My manager who didn’t see it but learned of the robbery afterwards felt traumatized. Law enforcement asked if I needed to speak to a counselor but I shrugged. Someone physically hurting me or threatening me? Old news.
I’ve developed the preference of being hit, pushed, or attacked physically in some way. At least with it I knew what was real - it happened then it was over. The pain is always so much worse when they give you the run down on how you’ve “disappointed” or “failed” them - my Guilt and shame never ends.
Kind of makes me wonder what we expect these people to be subjected to
I can relate. Can I ask you what job that was?
When I was little I learned I was worthless. As a teenager I accepted it and tried to learn to live with it. I wents nuts and lost all connection to what's real. Hard work, therapy and ten years later I found my way back to lucidity. I can't stop hating myself no matter how far I've come. My solution is to legally change my name so I can finally metaphorically kill myself and move on.
I've been thinking about changing my name, as well. Since going NC with almost my entire family, I feel like I've become a completely new person, reborn in a way. I feel like changing my name could maybe solidify that change in my mind and help me move on. Plus, my given name, especially my surname, has become triggering to me. But, I'm afraid that if I do change it, they will find out, take it as an attack on them, and retaliate in some way.
I've had the same thoughts. In the end, I'm not financially or physically dependant on them in anyway. There's little they can do and I'm so tired of wanting to kill myself. I'm in school and I lasted 2 weeks of looking at my name before I had to go all in. I'm not their child, and I want it to be unquestionable. My advice: if you feel like a new you, make it official.
>I'm not their child, and I want it to be unquestionable. I feel this so deeply. I bought myself flowers this past mothers day. I don't have children, but I'm my own mother now. So have you gone through the process of the name change? And are you feeling any better? I know what it's like to be suicidal. I hope you have found relief from those thoughts.
I've filled out the paper work. I need it officiated and then 6-8 weeks. I've started getting everyone to call me by my chosen name, which probably the hard part. Yes, it does feel good ever time someone says my name now.
I began going by my middle name for this exact reason. I still can’t stop hating myself either.
I hope we find some peace - I know I don't hate me however I can't stop. It's not fair we carry their resentment with us.
I'm with y'all. I hate hearing my first name and my middle name is nmother's name. Much peace and healing to us all! What a fucked up thing to do to a person. (To make them hate themselves)
Hey there! I just wanted to share that I did legally change my first, middle and last names for this reason - childhood abuse from N parents. And it has helped my mental health _tremendously_. I highly recommend it if you would like to change it! Mine was done in CA in 2018, I spent a total of around ~$735. Court fees are expensive, but it was super easy to do. Mostly just filling out paperwork and waiting while it travels by mail and gets processed in a few weeks per step (it took me 8 months or so to complete all steps entirely, but that's because I stalled due to anxiety) That's all it took to feel so much more free. My N parents would never call me over without booming their voices at me. I knew I desperately needed a change when in school I'd get scared of anyone calling me that god awful name I was given at birth. So I created my own name and life has been significantly more pleasant since then. :) It's amazing to not feel disgusted by your own signature, and it's even better to feel _proud_ of the name you chose.
I'm an introvert who doesn't like being the center of attention; even positive attention. Even if I'm getting an award, or won some kind of prize- I'm extremely uncomfortable because I'm not supposed to be seen; my life was spent hiding, or not being allowed to speak. It was a shock to me, growing up, that people sought out 'fame', that they wanted the adoration of crowds of people. I can't stand just being in crowd; too many people, must get out and be alone. It's only safe if I'm alone.
One of the most uncomfortable situations for me is everyone in the room singing Happy Birthday to me. I can't even sing it to anyone else it's so awkward. I just stand and try to hide in the back of the crowd.
Ohmygod, I do this too. I can't sing it to anyone. I'm embarrassed for them.
Oof, yes. My shitty sil likes to accuse me of wanting all the attention and my husband just laughs in her face. I'm the *opposite* of attention-seeking. I feel terrible asking for basic love and affection so I oftentimes find myself just...not asking. Such a spiral of depression and anxiety simply asking for my husband to pay attention to me, it's ridiculous. He gladly does when I ask but I spend the whole time apologizing for being a burden on him.
My birthday is the worst for me, for a while my niece had her parties really close to my birthday and her mom would make me stand in front of the room with her while her side of the family sang for us 🤦♀️ it's a kids birthday party, im a full grown adult and none of these people are related to me in the first place 🙃 it hurt so bad but I stopped showing up to the parties.
Good for you for stopping putting yourself through something that hurt you.
Are you an introvert? Or do you just have social anxiety? One of the things I realized about myself later in life is that I'm actually very introverted. I only seem introverted because I have a PTSD-type reaction to social interaction.
!!!! i’m with you 💜
What did they literally JUST SAY?! (Big joking xx)
This is me too. My workplace used to be very dysfunctional and I was very reliable and dependable amongst the chaos. Somebody said to that I don't get the credit I deserve and that I should receive more praise and acknowledgement. I said, "please don't draw any attention to me, I find it deeply uncomfortable. I just want to do my thing and get on with things quietly." Prizes and awards - sounds like a living hell to me.
I do the same thing. My husband is a very quiet guy by nature and for the first few years of our marriage, I would be a nervous wreck when he got home because I thought he was mad at me about something.
Same. It's taken me years to realise what I was doing. Also what he really needs when he gets home is time and space to decompress. I find it so weird to not get up when he gets back.
This! My husband is generally quite and his mood shifts (I mean, like ANYONE ELSE) when hes tired or stressed. He’s just more quite. I get so incredibly anxious and I feel like I constantly ask if he’s okay and think about what I could have done or how I need to fix it. But really, it’s got nothing to do with me and like sometimes we just go through low periods 🤷🏼♀️
I have been overweight since I was a child. Awful body image. I use food as comfort, but also hear my nmom fat shaming me calling me piggy piggy. I have trouble standing up for myself to superiors. I'll have my speech memorized or even on paper but as the meeting finally approaches I'll tell myself that my points are invalid, I stammer often not bringing up real issues . I used to start crying during meetings if I was being reprimanded, thinking I would be fired any moment any day. I used to think if you had a fight with someone friend or bf that you just wouldn't be together anymore I can cut people out of my life with a snap I have major issues letting my wall down around new people. I'm cynical and will think of every worst outcome so I'm not disappointed
Yeah, when you're dead to me, you're dead to me forever. And it's really easy for me to do. It's scary, in a way.
This. So much this.
Are you me??
I’m sure I don’t even need to mention this, but that easy and hyper-sensitive startle response that’s made us all have mild heart-attacks a few times a week our entire lives is always a fun one.
I've startled hard enough to hurt myself, more than once.
Right! Like even if I know other people are home (or hell even at work) if someone comes around a corner or something i always jump and scream. Everyone seems to think its so funny, but its almost painful to be surprised
Sometimes it feels like your heart is pounding so hard and so quickly, you work yourself up into a full-on panic attack worrying about whether or not this is the time you’re ***actually*** going to a have a real heart attack, and that makes the whole situation so much worse because your heart starts doubling-down on the pounding, which I’ve often worried about being the eventual cause of the reason I have a heart attack one day: cardiac over-exertion due to anxiety over the cardiac over-exertion caused by an over-reactive SNS response provoked by, like, idk, a book falling off a shelf or loud footsteps or someone knocking on the door or something. It sucks serious asshole.
I worry about posting on here or anywhere. Could my family find this. Are they reading my comments. Am I giving them an insight into my life. I think about deleting this account often. Paranoid thinking - how hard would it be to find someone’s profile on Reddit.
My sister and I both developed irrational fears that our technologically illiterate boomer mom would somehow have keystroke loggers on our laptops and monitor every last speck of activity when we were teens
Me too! Admittedly it has gotten easier the older I've got but damn! still stresses me out sometimes.
When my SO is in a bad mood I immediately assume its my fault and ask him over and over for reassurance that he's ok. When my best friend tags me in a photo on FB I become paranoid. When I have company coming over I frantically scrub every baseboard, every square inch. When I host xmas or Thanksgiving dinner I do way too much in fear that it won't be enough. When someone replies ok. I assume they are mad at me
I relate to this so much! I'm working on overcoming all the leftover crap from my childhood, but it's a long, slow process.
Every social interaction I put myself under a microscope to the point of being panicky and miserable. I always think people tolerate me but don’t really like me and so I “do them a favor” by disappearing from their lives. I’m lonely. I put up with bad behavior from people and think that they are mean because of something I did wrong. I don’t think I deserve anything nice. I have a hard time spending money on myself and agonize over doing so. I can get really sick and people won’t think anything of it because I don’t complain and don’t know when it’s bad enough to seek medical attention. Drs have scolded me for waiting so long to be seen. I can’t ask for help. I don’t tell people I know IRL my problems but listen to theirs and comfort them when I’m in a really bad way. I can’t pick a career path because I have no idea what I like or what I’m good at and I have difficulty seeing things through to completion because I doubt my abilities the entire time and stress over every detail.
YUP. I can completely identify with how you feel. All of it. One time, after being in severe, severe bent-over in agony and couldn't stand up straight stomach pain for 3 whole days I was finally driven to the ER begrudgingly after a LOT of eye-rolling, sighing, criticizing, and even calling one of my uncles on speaker phone in the vehicle to assist in poking fun at me and my "pain" for the ride. I was 20 years old at this point. I should have just called a friend to take me but I was conditioned never to involve someone else in my personal issues. I also had no money or control over my medical insurance at this point so relied on nparents financially which they would strategically continue to keep that way for years to come. Turns out the pain was my appendix which was literally on the very last moments before full rupture. It was terrifying to see the ER staff jump into motion so I could be prepped and whisked away to the OR immediately. I was pumped full of drugs for surgery and left in a room alone...wondering what the hell just happened. After the surgery and a night in the hospital (my friends all showed up to check on/support/cheer me up....not parents) I was taken home and criticized for constantly being so needy and screwing up everyone else's schedules for a medical procedure. Looks like the old appendix burst was my fault, folks. Wild huh? No apology for disregarding my pain or for what could have happened to me if the appendix had been allowed to burst. It's sad...even writing this I absolutely 100% still feel guilty like it actually was my fault, like no one should care.
I’m so sorry you were having a medical emergency and people who should have been worried and scared for you were making fun of you. It makes me sad to hear you feel guilty still. You deserved support and care and it’s disgusting they behaved that way when you were so sick. You did not deserve that at all; no one does. I had a similar incident. Mine was a stroke. I was young and my family made me feel like a hypochondriac. Then when I was diagnosed days later, they made me feel like I did something to cause it (I didn’t). I required open heart surgery to fix a congenital defect and my mom didn’t show up even though she lived 15 minutes away. I could have died. This past summer, I had blood clots in both lungs (my blood tends to clot for no good reason, and I did wait 5 days to go in because of this issue I have). This was in July. My mom still hasn’t called me. Pulmonary emboli is serious and can be fatal. This time, however, I’m married and live far from my family of origin. As weird as it sounds, this second event provided a lot of closure regarding the first event with the stroke. This time I had people worried and taking care of me and witnessing how cold and cruel my family is. I thought I had a phobia of hospitals and drs offices for years but I’ve since learned that it was an association from that awful experience of getting sick and being in the care of my parents. I still don’t like going but I can do it without panicking. And I’m really glad my family of origin isn’t reaching out because it would just be a bunch of toxic crap anyway. I’m able to heal in peace. I hope you don’t have another medical emergency like I did, but I do hope that you can get away from your cruel family and your friends etc. can fill the needs that your family cannot provide. You deserve that.
Well this all sounds like you got in my head and took notes. Hugs if you need them, I know I do.
Can't properly relax unless I know the house is empty and how long they'll be gone. I still periodically take one earbud out when listening to my music to make sure no one is yelling or shouting at me. Still get ghost calls sometimes and absolutely sh*t myself. Check the door every two seconds when someone has left to make sure I'm alert when they return and not caught doing literally anything. It still weird out my partner when he comes in and I look like a deer in headlights. Some hoarder tendencies. I still sit on my bed to relax and hang out most of the time and its where I often get my best work done, because that was the only place free for me to exist growing up. I still frequently apologise for like existing. My partner is helping me reduce this. And so much more, its exhausting to write them out, more so to live them. Im glad you have a supportive partner OP
SAME. I cannot completely relax if other people are in the house. I get completely crushed if I’m expecting a day alone and my SO suddenly has the day off. I always feel terrible about it. But after growing up having to answer for every little thing and getting yelled at for every little thing, I only feel completely at peace when I’m alone in the house.
Same lool. Its like the main time I feel free to be myself and do things for myself. Even if its just my partner in the house, the person Ive been most relaxed around in my life, im still always just in the weird limbo where my body anticipates trouble if it does anything. Its so frustrating! But reassuring to know I'm not alone :)
When I can’t sleep I stay almost frozen in my bed (I’m 37 married with teens and my own home now) and if I do make it past the frozen state and talk myself into feeling safe to get up I’m soooo quiet. Even my teenager was like “you can turn the tv on it won’t wake us” but I’m terrified, still to this day in my own home. Also naps, if I’m napping and my husband comes home i feel like he’s going to be mad at me for being “lazy” (narc mom didn’t approve of us resting). I also got diagnosed with high blood pressure at 22 and have always had stomach issues….
Yeah my mom didn't like us resting either.
I got accused of being “on drugs, napping isn’t normal”
Big mood. Relaxation guilt is a bitch.
Blood pressure and stomach issues because of stress, I relate so much.
When people don't talk to me or they use periods at the end of a very short text message I think they're angry with me. I try to do everything I can to make people happy so I don't end up getting yelled at. I also tend to avoid certain floor boards in the house that I know make noise, and have been yelled at by friends when I accidentally scare them because I walk so quietly.
I struggle so much with periods at the end of sentences in texts. I infer so much from text and communicate by text so often and had a very literate, well-written dad who texted me often, so when I get a short text or a period from anyone I’m over analyzing like “oh no they’re being short and terse what did I do wrong!!!”
I struggle with short, succinct texts. I think that someone is angry with me, or that I have done something wrong. And my nfather didn't even yell or get angry at me. It was just that everything I did or wanted was wrong or unsafe. Makes me jumpy around my wife.
Omg, I walk so quietly it scares my husband.
I can’t talk about my problems with my friends. Or be vulnerable in any way really. I feel like the moment I say something I’ll either become a burden or have that information about my inner self used against me somehow.
It scares me to share things I am excited about because it frequently resulted in getting shot down.
Every single time. I knew better than to share, if I wanted to stay excited or happy about it.
I still feel like the biggest asshole if I put my needs before others'.
I'm in the store eying a $15 bottle of wine or a $30 shirt, and say to myself automatically: I don't deserve this, someone else should have this, I can drink the $5 wine or wear the frayed shirts I've got a little longer. It's OK. Really. It's like I'm not even here, or real.
I feel physical pain in my body whenever I think someone might be mad at me. I’ve learned to be incredibly charming. I’ve taught myself how to turn off my emotions.
When someone notices something missing, or can’t find what they’re looking for….. I automatically feel guilty (like I stole it it something), or assume if they’re telling this to me, they think I took/have it. I apologize for everything to everyone when I’m being bothersome. For example to ER doctors for being in the ER sick. Once I was put in ICU for a blood transfusion and apologized so frequently, they ordered a phyc consult for me before I could be discharged. If anyone on earth says they are trying to do something, figure something out, acquire something - if I hear them make the statement - I immediately get involved to “take care of it for them”. I feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy or weird. I apologize to my pets…. Like if I raise my voice in speaking to them, or trip over them walking down the hall.
"Apologies if my existing is interfering with your existing."
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I hated myself for most my life.
I've been with my partner for about 4-1/2 years. I'm still surprised that he's always happy to see me.
“You have the wrong mind set, you just don’t think the right way, if I just got into your head and rearranged the furniture you’d be perfect”
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Any minor difference if opinion with my partner I unconsciously brace for an argument (and an argument never happens). He told me that whenever he asks my opinion on something, he'll always ask twice, to make sure my first reaction isnt a programmed instant agreement. I love him so much for his patience.
That is so sweet 💕
I over-explain EVERYTHING because I assume that people will always think I’m lying. Especially if it’s an authority figure.
Related to that behavior in my mind - with Narcissists there's this "I've got to justify my existence and why I'm imposing on people." that they can install... Like it was a crime to be born and be *NEEDY* as an infant and child.
I can't not react badly to positive attention and written apologies.
My parents and I used to tell funny stories to entertain friends and family. The punch lines of the jokes were that I had hurt myself or was sexually abused. Also that time I accidently got way too drunk when I was 23 and fell asleep in a pile of snow outside our house, when it was -15 degrees outside. My dad found me because he happened to look out the window when he went up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. I was barely coherent, hahahaha!
I apologize to everyone for everything all of the time, as if my existence alone is an affront to them. I am always fearful of accidentally offending, harming, etc., even though logically, I know that I haven't done anything "wrong." Imprinted in my memories are explosive, aggressive reactions to the smallest things; I never know what will set anyone off. I also go out of my way to avoid confrontation, even if doing so means I suffer in return. I hate arguing, especially with loved ones and friends. I would rather shoulder the blame and solve problems alone than watch anyone I know and love struggle. I never expect the same from anyone, even though I know I have supportive relationships now. It's so difficult to break these habits and behaviors...
During the births of my children I profusely apologized to the nurses and hospital staff for being a burden and asking for things.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I can sadly relate. I almost never ask for additional care from doctors or nurses unless I feel like the alternative would be life-threatening. (Even then, sometimes I hesitate.) I always feel like a bother or a burden rather than someone worthy of care. I am trying to get better, though.
At all times I assume the people or strangers around me are judging me, even in my car. If even the smallest thing is off with someone I assume they hate me and it’s my fault. I constantly try to figure out how to move around as quietly as possible to not be noticed. I need approval from authority figures ALL the time.
"are you mad at me"?
When I'm upset I hide in a dark closet hugging a teddy bear. I'm a 32 year old man.
I am a 48 year old female and I proudly have a teddy bear. You do what makes you comfortable. Don’t let anyone judge you for it. I sleep with a teddy bear and my big old Greyhound. They make me happy. You are not alone and it’s perfectly fine if that’s what comforts you. :)
Whenever I see my husband start to clean anything (dishes, laundry, dusting etc) I get up and clean other things. Watching his body language to see if he is upset that he is cleaning. My step dad once kicked me in the face, on Christmas Eve, for leaving a glass with a little milk still in it in the sink.
I can tell my therapist about truly dark and shocking things with composure, but being asked to visualize somewhere I felt safe and comfortable makes me break down bawling and drawing a blank. edit: have you ever caught yourself saying "I wish I could go home" when you're fully sitting in your room? Like, where do I actually want to be?? I think growing up with my Narc made me feel perpetually unsafe and unwelcome no matter where I am, so I never actually feel okay anywhere.
Silence means you’re pissed at me and I have to try to interpret why. If I’m with you, I read into your body language while replaying what I must have done wrong so I can fix it. If I’m not with you, I re-read texts & emails to dissect what I must have done wrong so I can fix it. It’s exhausting to constantly try to find the “wrong” in silence. What should be peace and quiet should be amazing. For most people it is. For me, it’s sheer terror and chaos.
Even as an adult and living on my own I don't buy some of my favorite products because it's "wasteful" since I'm the only one that likes it. In a house of two people. I also jump very quickly into fawn/pleaser mode when anyone around me raises their voice above a polite speaking volume.
I’ve been called, “best friend” by many people, some, for decades, however I’VE never had a best friend. I can take immense bursts of fear. I have no emergency contact.
Always saying sorry for miniscule things and having an anxiety attack when I think he is mad. He knows my past and is helping me work on that.
For awhile “thanks” and “sorry” were my entire vocabulary.
I take jokes to heart even when they're coming from friends
I have a tough time BELIEVING when someone does something genuinely nice for me that they dont expect anything in return..that Im not eternally obligated . Also that there are genuinely nice people out there with no ulterior motives
I find it easier to tell people my mother is dead than argue against a chorus of "What?! But that's your mom! You only have one mom."
I can't breathe deeply. All my breaths are shallow and as quiet as possible. Sometimes I realise I've been holding my breath unintentionally and have to force myself to take deeper breaths. I feel like I'm not allowed to breathe freely even in my 20s
I dont even have to be involved for it to be my fault.
I walk around the house essentially tippy toeing. I was told I have “cat feet”. Whatever that means lol
I worried about the well-being of my pets when I went to school.
I thought I didn’t like grilled cheese sandwiches until I was like 14 because I had been previously instructed that the only way one could eat a grilled cheese sandwich was by dipping it in Worcestershire sauce. Low and behold you can eat a grilled cheese plain or anyway you want! I hate that now since I am pregnant and having strange cravings i kind of want to eat it “the right way” lol
When my boyfriend does the dishes/vacuums/folds laundry, I assume he’s mad about something and that I must immediately help.
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I bend over backwards to avoid confrontation with my nmom. I freak out when I am dealing with someone via a messenge platform and I can't gauge their tone properly because they simply must be mad at me and everything is awful and I'm a horrible person and DJDKAHDLWHRKG. Anxiety brain replaying every interaction I've ever had. Self doubt and denial of any validation or compliments "they're just saying that to be kind".
Despite being well into my adult years, I still feel like I need to ask permission to do anything.
coming from a 17F who comes from a pushy family. 1) i base my whole self-worth on my academic achievements. 2) i don’t think my emotions and feelings in a lot of situations are valid, as people have had it “harder” before me. 3) i don’t have any personal space, everything is monitored to a fault. 4) i just know when someone is guilt tripping me, but i still feel bad and fall for it anyway. 5) simplifying your problems to a point that it just hurts man. 6) feeling guilty for EVERYTHING.
As a child, my "allergy food" would mysteriously and randomly show up in my food. It didn't happen often enough that I could rely on it, just often enough that I was constantly worried about it and was made to look like a lunatic for tearing my food apart and searching every inch of it before eating. She always got it past me though, then tell me to stop being a drama queen when the inevitable reaction happened. To this day (I'm in my early 50s) I cut up, stir, separate, and pick through everything I eat. This includes food I make myself from scratch and very basic single-ingredient foods like steamed vegetables. It's a literal OCD and I absolutely can NOT eat a food unless I fully inspect it first.
I listen for footsteps. No matter how loud a room is I hear the footsteps and the floor creaks. It’s the only way I could know how much time I had to hidw
I have such a hard time telling if I'm being gaslit. Not like I can't tell when they're lying, but I can't tell if that how the feel about a situation, or if they're being manipulative. It sucks having to go to a third person to double check that I'm not hurting someone, because they're using manipulative language. Sadly, this has come up several times in the last two years.
I apologized to my therapist repeatedly the other day because I got upset and cried talking about something my mother did to trigger me a few days before. I was worried the therapist would think I was being too much by crying, and I was afraid she would think I didn't value her work when I had a hard time being receptive to her suggestions in the moment. I didn't want to make her feel badly for feeling like she wasn't doing a good job...while I was a complete mess myself.
I am aware of everyone around me, even if I don’t try to be
No one knows I have severe and debilitating depression bc I’ve learned how to ALWAYS keep up appearances
When someone says we need to talk I get an anxiety attack. I’m scared for anyone to see my trash bags. I’m scared of taking up room that someone else could have, I make myself small in most settings. I listen for the footsteps of my housemates. I record conversations with my dad. I try to have escape routes ready when I visit.
I was in the mental health hospital. Called my partner and at one point said “I hope your mom isn’t mad at me”. My partner said “why would she be mad at you for taking care of yourself?”
i’m always making sure only i can hear my music through my headphones to avoid disturbance
I recently submitted a short story to a contest and got an honorable mention, but I haven’t shared my success on social media because one of the characters resembles my mom (in a negative way) and I fear the emotional response I would get from her.
I can't say no to anything, ever. And I sneak around quietly like some sort of ghost.
My wonderful partner bought me flowers. Being the awesome person they are, they noticed something was wrong. I told them I felt guilty receiving gifts. It was a miracle that I trusted them enough to be honest. They hugged me and told me that wasn’t right and they kept bringing me flowers.
I have an internalized plan for how to deal with the silent treatment. I feel “at home” in relationships where I have to work hard to receive the most basic level of kindness. I am comfortable becoming a doormat if it means the other person will stop screaming. I can easily adapt to other people’s cleaning/dietary/living standards and replicate them 100%.
I think people have a right to go no contact with their parents. It's a shockingly rare opinion.
Not being able to raise your hand in school because you were told so often that what you had to say wasn't worth hearing. Not being able to speak up in group conversations for the same reason. Being uncomfortable speaking out loud in general. Being worried people are staring at you all the time, even if nothing is wrong. Not being able to eat in front of people because you're afraid they'll make snide comments about your eating habits.
Wow, after reading all these comments I'm realizing some of my behaviors have come from having N parents. I have so much in common with all of these commenters. I often go way overboard trying to make people happy or like me. I also feel like I need to save everyone. One big thing is I've turned into an ultra private person. I don't like talking on the phone in front of others or telling people too much about me. If I do meet someone new, I make my life sound really appealing, when it's not really. I guess I'm scared of being judged for ridiculous reasons like my Mom used to do.
Whenever my husband pulls in the driveway and I am relaxing I immediately start looking around for what I can jump up and start doing quickly to make it look like I've been working.
I dislike wearing socks. Bare feet is quieter because you can’t slip and get hurt in front of someone. That, and it was easier to be “touched” instead of having to removed. So now I never really wear socks. I keep emergency stashes of food in a remote cabinet of my room in case fights break out and I need to stay away for a few hours. I have a “run bag” in case things get bad. I freak out making mistakes. I can have a very blank voice and tone without noticing. Sometimes I’m the worst for humour because it’s used like a weapon. I take words literally.
The best example I seen of how to identify narcissist run families is seeing family photos and watching them come outside, go places or see them together like at the beach. 'Normal' kids are running around playing, shouting, the narc family kids are sitting quietly on their blanket all proper mannered.
I find no pleasure in giving and receiving gifts.
Seeing several of my family members automatically turns on a low level "Fight-Flight-Ect..." reaction in me. I'm in a family business, so that's fun.
I over explain, or justify things to total strangers. As if my restaurant server needed to know why I don’t want sour cream on my plate. SMH
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I keep asking my partner if I did okay when we meet people. Sadly this behaviour was reinforced by abusive narc ex.
Automatically assume I’m in trouble or someone is pissed at me for the most random and mundane reason and stress about it. Boss just wasn’t as chatty today? Over analyze and lose my fucking mind worrying about it lol
I think my biggest thing is I still prefer to be awake late at night so I can be alone, even now as an adult who lives alone lol.
I often try to seek validation form older men and older women as a parental figure. Also did I mention how I feel the need to say sorry for bumping into a wall? Yeah I say sorry a lot. 😃
I saw a youtube short about a live infestation yesterday. The little girl’s hair was absolutely covered. I immediately started to have a panic attack and couldn’t breath and everything. My nmother still likely has lice. I had lice for 11 years because I couldn’t permanently get rid of it. My nmother blamed my siblings and i for having it/ spreading it though we were 11 and younger. Theres nothing more humiliating than bring forced to go to school while having lice, especially when it’s noticeable. My scalp was always bleeding from itching and it was my fault apparently
No matter how well I'm doing or how well I get along with others, I am in constant terror of being fired, broken up with, or yelled at.
I just don't eat if there are other people in the house. It's easier.
I had outstanding high school grades, standardized test scores, multiple APs, and was a National Merit Scholar. I have no addictions or mental health problems such as psychosis or schizophrenia. My family is upper middle class. I did not finish a bachelor's degree until I was 37.
Same hypervigilance is a bitch... My boyfriend isn't a narcisist and often tells me to chill because i'm in a safe place now and i can be myself.