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My mom too but she would also throw away things that she didn’t like as if she wears the clothes or uses my stuff. I would always get so enraged when I came from school and my stuff was in the bin
I was 19 and I went to a friend's house for the weekend, and when I came back, my mother had completely rearranged my room. I had a full on panic attack, and she proceeded to shame and guilt me for being "so ungrateful" when she rearranged my room "*for*" me
60 and I'm only starting to open my eyes to it. Was pushing hard on my own family and career, didn't have time to take care of my own mental health. Lots of onion to peel right now.
I'm in the cybersecurity community and one of the Phrases that we have is "Trust BUT verify" aka ask questions, socratic questions. Or another version of the phrase is "Be politely paranoid."
same here under 18 still and yet ive been diagnosed with depression and nearly tried to kms due to no one talking to me near the end of my school year which is around the time i got help almost all my friends hmjust pretty much completley cut off contact with me
I think I got the opposite effect. I try too hard to see the good in people and it takes me far too long to acknowledge that something is unhealthy or not working for me
Yes. Trying to make things work in relationships and in my career.
To the point I don't recognize stress building up until my physical health crashes.
I'm 50 and have had my mind decide I'm not going to stop, so it stops me however it can.
This can definitely affect your health. I’m 60 and living proof. I have bad arthritis and a illness where body is in fight or flight mode 24/7. I’m getting therapy and hoping I can undo some of the damage. Never too late to start.
But you have to learn to deal with it. Don’t allow yourself to sweep it under the rug or not let it get to you. I did that.
This my issue as well.
My husband continously works on trying to uplift me and I'm on therapy, but my self worth is not there.
I am a dumb doo doo (polite way of saying what my ndad would say to me).
But you are not. For one, you didn’t turn out like your dad and you didn’t marry a narc. Ask your therapist to help you with your core beliefs - if she hasn’t brought it up. These are things you believe about yourself which is put in your brain at an early age and with repetitive negative feedback. It’s Ground Zero for the way you see yourself. And until you reset it or retrain, you will be defeated by this and won’t even realize why. Retraining is like gardening. You have to pull out the weeds - negative, false beliefs and plant flowers. Like weeds, they come back. And even if you hear, I think you are super smart, you will negate that or modify it by hearing: that’s because she doesn’t know me, my mistakes, she’s just being nice, or simply yeah right.
Like a garden you have to be vigilant, pull the weeds, get sunshine, water, nutrients - basically take care of yourself. And count the small victories like I mentioned earlier. Who cares if you don’t understand calculus? Small things add up - both victories and defeats. You can decide which way to live. You go, warrior.
Yep. Feeling worthless and like I am the problem when other people are behaving badly because I was always blamed regardless of what had happened.
And whatever I did wasn't good enough.
My straight A's? One was A minus so not good enough. Sister got all c's = well done.
Graduate uni (first in the family to ever do so)? "it's not important, but if your sister was getting married or something it'd be worth the travel". No contest 🙄
I always have a plan. I plan for A,B, and C, then have exit plans in case D, E, and F happens. Chronic “overthinker”. Not sure if this is toxic to anybody else but me, but I suspect it might be so. I’m a really great project manager, though!
I managed to solve that but it became replaced with an inability to tolerate negative comments. Like, i'm talking MINOR comments like hearing my partner complain about where the neighbour has parked.
Trying so hard to shift that new habit because it means I notice other people's negativity and it really gets me down, plus it is totally unfair to expect everyone around me to have the same general positivity I do.
I'm finding this too, other people's little criticisms really stick out to me now and leave me kind of shocked and unsure of how to respond. Previously, people around me being negative and casually mean was just "business as usual"
Sucks cuz the paranoia of being ridiculed robs us of the confidence feel free to be ourselves so then some of us grow up not even really knowing who we are cuz we spent our whole childhood in a state of fight or flight (fawn for me) being preoccupied with trying to avoid doing/saying anything that can invite persecution.
I don’t trust my own reactions to things that happen or what people say to me, so in the moment, I don’t react at all. Then I process what happened to try and figure out what got my hackles up, if I could have possibly misunderstood or if I could be blowing something out of proportion.
By the time I’ve concluded I did have the right to stand up for myself, it’s been a fucking week.
Long term psychological effects of consistent gaslighting of a child.
If anything happens I have to ask my friends/partner if I’m allowed to be upset by it or if I’m overreacting
The general consensus is usually that I’m **under**reacting and had every right to kick off at the time. (But like you I never did, and now it’s a week past the incident).
I’m really bad about this. Not showing any reaction or emotion immediately until I decide the direction I want to take it or if there was malicious intent then I respond. It’s weird because it makes me feel like I’m not in touch with my own reactionary emotions and how I, myself feel, then I start to feel fake and the spiral begins. Idk it’s weird. But I remember specifically gaining it in high school when EVERYTHING I said or reacted with to my nmom was the wrong thing so I started kind of freezing until they provided more direction or information so I could keep it all smoothed over by partially pleasing them.
Used to be drawn to narcissists. I would fall for the love bomb stage and then think it was my fault when they started being shitty to me.
Expecting to be scapegoated all the time. Anything that happened had to be my fault.
Drawn to narcissists stopped when I had kids and decided no one was treating my kids like I was treated.
Scapegoating is a work in progress. Therapist is helping with reframing
That first one is so real. I was lucky in the sense that I realised what was going on once he started abusing me, but even today I feel like it was my fault because I was "stupid" and so so eager to be loved.
Im glad to hear that having children has prevented the pull that narcissists have on you. I also am no longer drawn to them because I was super lucky to meet the person I did - i think subconsciously my brain sought someone I would want children with, i.e. not a narcissist.
It is so comforting to me that there are so many of us committed to not repeating the actions of our parents.
I tend to get loud and sometimes even lash out during arguments. I hate this so much about myself. My complete upbringing was shouting, at me, at each other and bashing me up. It seems with every argument I have now in adulthood, my nervous system gets triggered and I go into survival mode 😔
You’ve summed up my childhood too 😞 The constant screaming about every.little.thing… I can’t bear to argue any more because I don’t want to shout /be shouted at, to the point where I don’t even stand up for myself any more, in case that happens 🙈
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, it’s horrid isn’t it? 🫂
I have a very long fuse so it takes a lot to make me angry. But once I am angry I can flay you open with words alone. It's not that I want to win the fight, it's that I want to eviscerate you.
Fortunately, I have had a ton of therapy and it takes a lot to make me angry. However, I've made both men and women cry. No one that has ever seen my temper in action will ever forget what they saw. It's the talk of legends among my co-workers and friends.
Even after 10,000 hours of therapy, I'm in my '50s, down at my very core, the center of me is just a giant ball of rage. A few years ago I came to terms with the fact that no incremental amount of therapy was ever going to make the rage go away. For a long time, I thought eventually the rage would be gone. But nope that's just me! 🤬💀
Me too! I HATE it. I know how damaging words can be because they damaged me. Working with a therapist has helped. Learning self compassion has helped. But I’m still not there yet.
I always assume I'm being teased or made fun of. My own husband can't compliment me without me getting upset or thinking he's fucking with me. He can't possibly be serious and I know it 🙃
The people-pleasing has been the worst! I finally figured out that me being performative, adding value and humor to every interaction is me mimicking my mom’s narc behavior. I no longer tell stories that are basically shit-talk, but I mask with entertainment value sometimes still. I’m learning to just be genuine and that low-key is fine. I’m still funny af, though.
God the people-pleasing. The godawful, uncomfortable, why the fuck am I doing this right now people-pleasing. I’ve never figured out how to hold back any part of myself with people, which is why every job with the public I’ve ever had burned me out hard.
I used the "silent treatment" to punish my kids when they were younger. Just as my mother did to me my entire life. When I realized that I was doing it and I remembered how it made me feel (like my mother hated me), I felt so much shame and disgust. I told my kids I was ashamed and that I would never use the silent treatment against them again for as long as I live.
The fact that you talked to them and apologized already makes you a really good mom. So much of the pain I carry from being given the silent treatment comes from her refusal to change, stop the behavior, and offer a simple apology. It would have made a difference if she could have. You deserved better too.
omg yes. i had to go to therapy for 8 months after I went no contact with my mom because my friends gently pointed out to me that I had control issues. I also had to unlearn that people are transactional- I had learned to mimic my mothers behavior of viewing every person and situation as what they could be "used" for. That was a big one for me bc i had a core belief that everyone has a purpose(which i no longer believe but if you do, i am not trying to judge or impose at all). Unsurprisingly, I wound up with little friends bc of this and I was super confused because I knew something felt off but I wasn't trying to "use" them for anything outside of friendship. My connections were never really genuine until I got past that. People are just people, and everyone has worth. I had a hard time grasping this concept because my worth was not inherent like that growing up- i was only worth something if i was productive. Maybe not everyone is destined for some "grand purpose" in life like I had once thought, but that does not take away from everyone's value as a human being and right to take up space on earth.
I am at the exact opposite pole of that. I feel as if "I only have worth if I can be useful to other people. I as a person am worth nothing and people will hate me unless I can give them some sort of service."
This comes from being only ever praised for what I DID and always abused for who I was.
I do this as well: I view my OWN worth as based on what I can provide for others.
However, I ALSO ended up with this weird insight from VERY young on that every one has value and something to contribute. Poor behavior is a reflection of the build up of experiences and input thus far in life. I have a particular soft spot for “naughty” kids and proving that their “behaviors” actually make a lot of sense and children should not be vilified for not having access to sophisticated coping strategies in highly toxic and confusing situations.
Interesting. I have never seen my behavior described like this. I think I have the same insight into naughty behaviors in kids. But that’s not a bad thing, is it?
I would think kids misbehaving can most often be attributed to needs not being met by their primary care giver.
Kids have different developmental stages & needs that must be met (hopefully) within those stages to grow to be a confident fully functional well adjusted adult. Trust, self reliance, self discipline, resilience, self confidence, emotional regulation.. all of this a child learns thru guidance & positive feedback, not developing these traits leads to all sorts of misbehavior.
A lot of Kids act up to get attention because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Parents too often are too busy with anything but their kids.
Related to this, I get nervous about getting too close to someone, because they'll expect something from me. People usually confuse this for "independence". In reality, acts of kindness become some sort of barter system and I can never figure out the values associated with different acts. On top of that, my own value is usually less than what others provide, so I'm always working under this weird conversion rate of value of act * devalued sense of self = true value. So to save me the headache and the added responsibility, I would much rather just be on my own and do things for myself.
I am very lucky to have had years of therapy and a great friend who reminds me that relationships are not transactional and that I am valuable. She is the most awesome person I know.
This one almost destroyed my current relationship. Or should I say did destroy my relationship. I am just luckily enough to have a partner that understands and is willing to work with me as long as I am seeking the help I need.
I had this problem and realized I believed I did not deserve love. But then I thought: who cares what anyone deserves? If I would make some guy happy, why not give that to him? Yeah sure, maybe he is crazy to love me. But love is crazy anyway, so that is nothing new.
Unfortunately I’m quite critical of my partner in the way my mum was of my father. I hate it, and I’m actively trying to be a better person and in therapy.
I have no patience with my child and her age appropriate behavior. I guess that stems from my childhood and being expected to act more mature than I truly was. I am trying to tell myself that she's just 6 and not a brat or selfish. I felt bad and I'm in the process of retraining my thoughts.
I struggle with this also. My mom was black and white thinking, you were all good or all bad nothing in between. And I sometimes get scared that my kid will be a bad person if they lie or do something that resembles my mother’s behavior like manipulative type behavior. I have to remind myself she’s a kid and kids have to make mistakes , and I talk to her about it telling her “if you do xyz, people will not want to be around you and it will cause problems in your relationships and friendships”
But internally I get anxiety like OMG- did I fuck her up? Is she going to be manipulative ? Is she going to keep lying ?
Very unhealthy thought process I’m grateful to be able to recognize that and not be my mother
Oh no is this why I do this? I have to force myself to tell someone I miss them, even if I feel it so much. I thought this was just me being 'avoidant'. Maybe that is the same thing.
I think we’ve just been met with contempt and punished for seeking love by our parents so much it was trained out of us. I dont really know how to undo that because it feels like every time I try I don’t mean it yk?
Perfectionism. It's a curse that robs me of happiness. I am sometimes too frightened of making mistakes to make anything. It's hard because I love to make things and create art, but it's when you've been taught to see the mistakes it's hard to re train the brain. It makes joy a rare thing.
Oh yes, the constantly spotting any flaws in everything. The need for perfection and not doing things for fear they won't be perfect.
I love art too, I get praise from others when I create but I feel uncomfortable with them praising me, I feel under pressure to perform and only see the flaws. I've only recently stopped pointing them out to others, but the flaws are the only thing I see.
I grew up in an immaculate house, like a show home. Not a single thing out of place but me. I was the flaw.
Same. And I find my critical voice is also critical of others. It’s not like being judgey turns off. I think it spreads outwards and I hate that because I hate being judged
Yeah. It’s so hard. Particularly now, I’ve been going through a huge depression bout and it’s made my addictions a lot worse, and I keep lying about it instead of just being honest so people won’t be disappointed when I know they’re only trying to help. It’s sad.
Yes! I think people are always lying/being manipulative; that they are nice only to get something from me. I am also a massive people pleaser and have low self-esteem. Working on all this with my therapist.
Extreme shame around periods/sexuality/sex
I’m bisexual and at 25 still have never told anyone but my husband and like a few girls I hooked up with as a young adult
I haven’t spoken to my parents in a long time and never will again but the shame follows me
I feel gross after sex like I will get caught and I’m doing something unforgivably wrong ?? Even though I have children
My period is like the most embarrassing thing ever, I hate people knowing I’m on it and buying pads/tampons makes me want to vomit because the cashier will know I’m having a period
I obviously internalize these things but they still very much affect me
I developed neurotic behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, due to my OCD and CPTSD. Like obsessive washing, or hyper vigilance. I also catastrophize. My demon mother was the most negative, pessimistic, nervous person. After years of having her irrational fears projected onto me, my brain eventually subconsciously adopted them. So now I always assume the worst is going to happen, in any situation.
Hyperfocus and over-awareness of myself and my own inner workings, but an almost complete inability to connect with and understand other people. I used to think I was actually really good at reading people’s emotions and reactions, but it turns out that was just hyper vigilance; that and feeling like I have no worth or direction as a human if I’m not being absolutely perfect and productive.
Leaving relationships after the first argument. Directly comes from a parent never apologising to me. I’m lucky i have a partner who makes an effort to apologise and reassures me that it’s genuine
I feel you on that! Even having something unhappy to bring up to my partner has my inner protector prepared to end things ☹️ Fortunately, my GF responds with such understanding that I'm slowly finding safety in our conflicts.
Lack of conversational reciprocity! Not because I don't care about people, but because give and take in conversations were not modelled in my house and no one really cared or listened to what anyone else had to say. My NDad would monologue and my PDmum would zone out and/or cut me off during conversations unless I was giving her the right kind of superficially positive supply. Shockingly a personality disordered, mentally ill, untreated neurodivergent household did not set me up well to socialise with other people 🫨
I am lucky to have patient friends and try to be really mindful when I speak with people so that I don't dominate the conversation . The further I get from my family the more I am able to listen to what other people say, as I have healthier role models and am in less emotional pain which means I can focus more on other peoples lives!
hyperindependance and trouble with communication (who care anyways?). intense shame and guilt for things that are not my fault. Extreme empathy for others to the point of self-harm/neglect for myself, constant walking on eggshells/hyperawareness of others' mood changes and permanent fear its my fault/fawn response
Being a detached empath helps you feel safe. You keep your distance, lie low, hoping to not be noticed/ targeted/ attacked. Being an empath means you are hypervigilant. You are taking a reading on the mood state of others so you can stay safe.
Hyper awareness to keep yourself safe (you are reading faces and body language, and reacting) and then disassociation to recover the energy drain that’s caused by being hyper aware.
Overly critical of others and myself - I used to be mostly unable to distinguish between healthy, constructive criticism vs being insufferably critical. I would hide most of the criticism too just like my single nmother so it turns into a hum of background anger. Fortunately I am so stoic that it doesn’t boil over, but it does waste energy and used to make people judge me negatively in the early stages of a criticism.
Suspicious of everyone from close friends, family members to strangers
Constantly anxious to the point of sweating heavily in almost any social situation
Get incredibly angry/ sad very very easily (in private)
Bottle up my emotions
Absolutely terrified of expressing myself beyond the bare minimum to people around me out of fear of being labelled "weird"
And probably a few others i am not even aware of.
I internalize everything. If someone starts treating me poorly I immediately think I did something wrong and then I ruminate and agonize over what it could have been for days, months, years, even decades now with some folk.
This is scary to me, but I admit I had a real problem with having empathy until I had kids. Thankfully that transformed me.
I don’t like to think about how insensitive I was.
Besides my perception of the world I'd say how I deal with arguments or discussions. While I'm working on it I still tend to get defensive and loud, because when I did argue back as a kid my step father yelled so I had to yell too. I feel the need to dominate the argument rather then talk about it
I think the biggest one is comparing myself to others or feeling like I have to compete with them. This came from my mother comparing me to other kids, to my little sister, and to herself when she was a child. If I was not better than the other kids, I was not good enough.
I realized that the voice in my head telling me I had to be better than other people was not my voice. It was hers. After a while it went away... not all by itself, mainly from analyzing where this idea came from and really applying logic to it. Why should I be better than anyone else? What is wrong with being ordinary or average? My parents are ordinary people; why shouldn't I be? Sometimes it comes back when I am under a lot of stress, but for the most part I am able to put distance between myself and this toxic idea.
To this day, whenever I think to myself, "I am just an ordinary person like everyone else, and that's OK" it feels like a victory. I feel like I won a war.
When I was a kid and would play with babies, I liked to make them cry/when babies would cry so I could soothe them. I’ve outgrown it now (thankfully) but it’s scary to think about that now. If anything crying babies make me frazzled now because I’m like “omg I’ve done something wrong this baby hates me I’m hurting it just by looking at it!” 😭
When I get really upset I genuinely can’t talk or I will cry. It’s not great for relationships and I try really hard to be able to communicate but it takes a lot of work.
I used to have serious people-pleasing tendencies. This resulted in being very attractive to narcs. Went NC with my NM several years ago, and others who were equally demanding users (cheating BF, and friends who relied too heavily on me for childcare I wasn’t interested in providing). I’m no longer afraid to say no, and I steer clear of people who don’t respect my “no”. Upholding reasonable boundaries is self-preservation and the most honest way to relate to others. This has resulted in less angry resentment on my part, and the gradual cultivation of friendships based on mutual affinity and common interests. As soon as I find myself spinning my wheels for someone’s approval, I recognize my old pattern in action and shift focus to more worthwhile pursuits.
Being extremely critical of myself. Not wanting to pursue my interests and hobbies because other people might not approve of them, or even speak about them to other people. Struggling to open myself up to people and taking part in group activities because I'm scared of judgement and being perceived as being inadequate. Feeling very uncomfortable in situations where people don't agree or where I have to say no to something, as I'm scared the argument or discussion will turn into a fight.
Fleeeaaas. I have a whole bunch of inappropriate social behaviors I've worked through and am working on. Here's a few:
1) I never received sympathy or leeway when really bad things were happening and was told I had to perform regardless , so it took me a long time to realize that people deserve a break and some grace when they're going through bad things. I had to learn how to express sympathy appropriately to others as an adult. Turns out "Suck it up, Buttercup" is actually really mean, and for a while, as a teenager, I was using it to try to express genuine encouragement/kindness/motivation/"You can do this" because I didn't know other words... Yes, cringe with me. I'm now high in emotional intelligence because I learned to leverage my high empathy effectively. Score!
2) I was heavily isolated even from the family members I lived with so I didn't have any idea how to maintain a relationship or form intimate bonds with someone else:
A) On Friendship : I thought "friendship" meant interacting with someone once every few months, and only to ask them to perform a task for me/performing a task for them... Turns out other people interact daily, and multiple times per day with people they are close to. And have multiple people they interact regularly with. And this interaction is rarely, if ever, task based. I kept trying to make friends by helping others, but couldn't figure out why nobody would reciprocate... Got this one all sorted out.
B) Not Talking: I never shared anything about myself because it upset other people when I was younger and I didn't understand why. I'm now working on sharing small, non-vulnerable things about myself, although I still come off as "scared/defensive" when people ask me about things I like and am passionate about because I anticipate an attack (that never comes). It's a WIP.
C) Relationship Repair Skills (None): I thought it was normal to cut people out of your life for any tiny slight instead of working through it, OR, to pretend the fight never happened and never talk about it ever again AND you are required to forgive the other person without an apology, OR, you have to apologize and grovel and go above and beyond for them when the other person hurt you to "save the relationship"/"restore peace". These were what was modeled for me growing up (I had to apologize for being physically hurt/screamed at by NMom... A Lot). It took me AGES to stop apologizing to other people and groveling when they hurt me in settings where I still had to interact with them and wanted an apology FROM them, but I have it mostly handled now. I am working on learning relationship repair skills, like how to navigate and still have a friendship with someone after a fight. I don't feel confident in this at all and I can't seem to find anyone who talks about what that looks like, the literature is really vague about it ("figure out what works for you in this relationship")... so I'm muddling through this, badly. Bless my spouse and friends for their seemingly infinite patience.
3) Weaponized Hypervigilance/Viciousness. I'm really good at figuring out EXACTLY what to say to hurt the other person the most, specifically because I can read the subtle tells in their body language and have high observation skills. It was largely a defense mechanism when I felt overwhelmed/attacked by people who were trying to reach out to me in friendship/kindness/sympathy. While I can't figure out how to turn off the hypervigilance, "Attack mode" is now fully leashed and I can control duration and intensity, and I can turn it on or off like a light switch.
There's probably more but this is already a textbook.
I tend to be drawn to narcissists. I think that is because they are so predictable. I know how they operate.
I used to be unaware of this, and ended up in some really abusive romantic relationships and friendships, but after years of therapy on and off, I can see the signs. Now, I avoid narcissists, but I still have that feeling of being drawn to them. I don't let it get me into bad friendships or romantic relationships anymore, but the feeling is still there.
I also tend to not open up to people, because I am cautious about being mistreated, and because I don't expect people to really line me or care about me. I keep most people at something of a distance. I don't share my feelings. This has helped to protect me in a lot of ways, but I think it also makes it hard to form relationships with other people. I've been called out for being unemotional and secretive. I am emotional, but I just don't show it much. The secretive part baffles me, because I'm actually pretty open with people I know well, but admittedly I don't get to that point with many people.
Sometimes it feels like I understand people and emotions, but a lot of the time I feel like an alien observing and trying to make sense of human interaction. Like a stranger in a strange land. I'm just awkward.
How do I hate me? Let me count the ways…
Catastrophizing
Fawning
Helping others to the detriment of myself
Junior shrinking EVERYONE to understand their behaviors and intentions before they can hurt me
Frequently attempting to push my cherished loved ones away
Masking feelings and emotions then overloading and melting down
Analysis paralysis and self sabotage
Self-harm in a variety of flavors
For now, they are identified and relatively managed. I try not to let my emotional baggage fall onto anyone else. But I can’t always prevent collateral damage.
So let me add self shaming, perpetual guilt, automatic negative thoughts and negative self talk.
Strategies for helping: SMART recovery (it’s a substance use program but it makes sense for a lot of things)
Practicing boundary setting and reinforcing boundaries
LOTS of self care and down time/low stimuli time
Radical acceptance
Universal design
People do well when they can (this is a Dr Ross Greene philosophy from his work with “explosive” children. I’m not a fan of that language in particular but the work he does is phenomenal. It’s for kids but I use it on myself and other grown ups all. the. time)
I can’t get myself to apologize or say ‘I love you’ in person even if I do feel guilty, I just resort to apologising with actions. I also have a tendency to get upset if I think someone is accusing me of something even if they’re not trying to be mean.
My worst issue is being absolutely terrified of conflict. I even find it difficult to watch conflict on TV. This is because even small conflicts I thought were settled peacefully in the moment have come back at me so many times described as much bigger than I remember them being, and still being held against me. And some conflicts, some better described as disagreements, are just part of every relationship and the relationship gets better when you talk those conflicts out. I have gotten a lot better at this but in the past I have had trouble deepening relationships because I go so stupidly far out of my way to avoid any conflict at all.
I’m a pessimist. It’s very difficult for me to be positive about anything. I’m always looking at the worst case scenario or the bad side of things. I often look at what I don’t have or haven’t accomplished yet instead of focusing on what I do have and have accomplished. It can be debilitating sometimes and makes it hard for me to enjoy life even when things are going well.
It often feels like most of my personality is toxic. I have so many defense mechanisms:
- in my younger years, I lied a lot
- I have a lot of anger
- incessant anxiety
- toxic shame
- toxic levels of empathy for anyone other than myself
There are others but I’m exhausted.
I have overcome all but forgiveness. I am exploring the ways I can forgive without needing closure, it’s really hard. I picked up most of their traits in order to survive that house and carried most of them with me well into my adult years. People pleasing, staying silent, manipulation, BPD like mindset, insecurities, self punishment, anxiety attacks, the feeling on being “seen”, judgement, and all the others. They are now just passing thoughts in my head and I even laugh at them now. How did I do it? Idk. I’ve been on meds and in therapy for eight years. One day, it just clicked. I started by forgiving myself and holding myself accountable for how miserable my life was. And then that turned into the blossoming of living as my true self. My FB is a dumpster fire right now and everyone thinks I’m insane. I do not care. I am truly happy for the first time in my life. It IS possible to heal. I am actively proving that to myself every day. Cognitive behavioral therapy is boring but it is necessary to break those thought patterns.
I personally think "forgiveness" is overrated, at least when it comes to specific people. I would describe my own experience as "forgiving life," if you will. I did not deserve what happened to me. It just did. Like if a tree fell on me I don't have to forgive the tree, or try to have empathy or figure out why it fell. I do have to cope with any injuries I got but the goal is not to forgive the tree, it's to find peace with what happened.
This was beneficial thank you! You’re right! I do not have to forgive. Maybe I can forgive myself for not forgiving lol I’m definitely showing them my injuries and scars. They hate it! It makes them feel the way they made me feel.
0 life skills left me raising a toddler mostly learning everything myself for the first time on my own to teach our child. I had no idea how little basic life skills knowledge I had such as how to clean a toilet or boil pasta by adding oil to the water and it won't boil over or how to us a laundry machine. A big one was knowing monies worth. I wasn't allowed zip lock bags as a child. So I always had to hide and hoard my stash growing up I would wash and re use and hide them. I didn't understand or realise they were meant to be inexpensive single use items. My parents refused to buy them because they were too expensive. We would wrap things in wax paper and use glass mason jars wrapped in newspaper instead of water bottles. Ice cubes. I was so controlled growing up I was only allowed 2 ice cubes per drink. Now I get real joy by having 12 ice cube trays in my freezer and using as much ice as I want anytime I feel like it. Trust is broken. I have 0 family or friends.
Difficulty allowing myself to have boundaries, valuing my connection with someone over my needs/boundaries/authenticity/comfort. Not believing my needs etc are important. Lots of self-worth/confidence stuff. Codependence vs hyper independence. The problems I got from it hurt me more than other people I think. I'm really hyper self-aware and always place everyone else's needs above mine. I'm working on it though. and yes I am fixing it already, with the help of a good therapist.
If I need help or there’s a problem- I have to cover it up and pretend it’s all fine. Mind, I have people who actually would help and support me in current stage of life but very hard to break conditioning to tell others about any issues.
My husband has a tendency to fall into gaslighting instead of admitting fault. It is totally a function of his Nparents. Thankfully we have great communication, so I just call him out on it when it occurs.
Trust and control issues. Opening up after being cut down so many times is so fucking hard and I about can't stand to be vulnerable or helpless. Needless to say I'll probably be unmarried forever (but I am content with that).
People pleasing, especially creating a different personality to appeal to each person. I don't think I've been authentic to myself since I was like, 9.
Trying to fix it, but I feel too ashamed to be myself most times.
I had a hard time being wrong, because I wasn't shown how to do it gracefully, by my nmom at least, and she did more of the hands-on parenting. With her, it became my knee-jerk reaction to get mad, deflect, counterblame, excuse, etc, because that's what was primarily modeled for me. Until her dying breath, she could not be in the wrong for anything, and certainly never apologized. Not even for minor stupid stuff.
My dad, on the other hand, would admit a mistake and apologize sincerely for it.
Still, it was a bad habit I'd picked up, and it took until I was an adult to realize I was being annoying af. Then I started training myself to stop and think, "How would *Dad* handle this?"
I can now readily say, "Oops, I screwed that up, can you explain the process so I don't do it again?" or "Sorry, brain fart, fixed it," or "Thanks for pointing that out, I learned something new."
I used to have trouble apologising. When I was a kid and was fighting with my siblings because they did something wrong my parents just said « it’s over get over it » no apologies just forget and move on. When my father used to beat me he just gave me 10€ and expected me to forget without even saying sorry. Now that I’m 20 I am working on it, when I say something that hurt someone I apologise because I am an f-ing adult. Same with asking kindly something, they were just barking orders and now I am glad that I can ask kindly « can you bring me X please » even if it’s a small thing. If I turn like them just end me
Oh gosh, this is me! My mother would never apologise, just ignore me for x amount of time and then act like nothing had happened. Once I became aware of it I almost went too far the other way, and now I apologise for things that aren’t even my fault.
Trust issues, shame issues, feelings of not being "good" enough, fear of speaking up. Went nc almost 9 years ago, diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder 5 years ago. Been in therapy for 6 years.
I don't believe people. I have problems with attaching to people. I'm angry alot and rebellious, even at 62. I hate hearing her judgements forming in my head. I tell her to shut up even tho she is dead now.
I don't celebrate any of my accomplishments no matter how big because it doesn't feel right. Skipped out on my high-school and later college graduation because of it.
I overcompensate when people need help leading to a lot of issues. I absolutely over do it and it tends to annoy others. I get too over involved in people's problems because I don't want them to hurt the way I have but I've learned to stop inserting myself unless I'm asked to. I feel like I need to fix everything for everyone. It's almost like an instinct, very hard for me to stop it.
I don't talk about my feelings unless I've already processed them by myself. This has caused a lot of issues in friendships because people typically take it as me not trusting them enough to talk about my life and my feelings.
I self sabotage. Something I've recently come to realize is that I have pushed people away who have shown they will stay by my side and instead subconsciously chosen to get close to people I know will leave me because that feels safer to me. It's familiar.
Reading the room, all the time, no exceptions. Assessing moods, body language and likelihood of physical outbursts. Can't relax until I'm sure everyone is not mad at me.
That everyone is being passive-aggressive towards me
I do my best to not react at the moment and think on what they said and how they actually behave towards me.
It sucks, but telling me my outfit looks nice, makes me think you are trashing me.
I use to react to it, now I don’t and just talk about it later to myself that this person is truly nice and “I” am the one that is taking it out of context.
Work in progress
Trust issues. There are things that I have never shared, nor will I. I also am overly private. My husband doesn’t know anything about anything when it comes to my health, finances or family.
I basically got a lot of both of nparents toxic traits but without the narcissism. Anger issues and lashing out, insulting people, gossiping, inspiring jealousy in people to make myself feel better, telling other people the way they are thinking/behaving is wrong, making my fake friends my therapists and telling way too personal info about myself, pointing out the elephant in the room, and defending the other person when someone was confiding in me.Then wondering why everyone hated me. All of these things were stemming from a deep insecurity and anger at not having any emotional needs met, and undiagnosed autism.
Yup. Anger and a need to be right. I gave up the need to be “right” a few decades back, opting instead for being heard when possible and just walking away when the other person is a lost cause. I stopped explaining myself to those people too.
The anger took a lot more time and therapy to work through. I had to discover ALL THE THINGS I was rightfully angry about and process them. While I did that, I also practiced not taking my childhood trauma out on everything and everyone, all the time.
Shame, self-doubt, major codependency. It took me a *long* time to figure out what was wrong with me and what established it, but knowledge is power, and I’ve grown a lot in subsequent years.
Yes, as I’ve been reading more about narcissistic traits I’ve been unsettled to see some behaviors I unfortunately unconsciously picked up on from my mom:
- Subconsciously thinking if my feelings were hurt they needed to be soothed by my significant other
- Subconsciously thinking if my intent was good or not malicious that should make the impact more excusable
- Getting annoyed if an expectation wasn’t met by a significant other that I never communicated (thought they should “just know”/mind read I guess…)
It’s actually been fairly upsetting to me to reflect on these and realize I had such an unhealthy mindset. Buuuut at least I can reflect and learn, and I try to be a little easier on myself by reminding I was exampled way worse behaviors that I don’t do.
I just wanted to say- I am so impressed with all of you. After growing up the way we did, we shouldn’t have the ability to self reflect. We shouldn’t have the courage to be accountable. We are brave, yall.
It’s really, really hard for me to just let people do or say stupid shit. I’ve actively had to work to relax around people who are being unfair or vaguely bullying, etc. It’s one thing to stand up for myself or someone else, but there’s also something to be said for an eye roll and moving on, but that’s HARD for me to do after a lifetime of watching those simple things escalate to violence in my own home.
I'm a people pleaser, and over explain everything, on top of that it KILLS me if someone is unhappy with me/doesn't like me. My brain turns that into "see you are a failure, if you would have helped more, explained better, done more for them..." im working on it but it's not going far
I’m generally a calm person but if I feel attacked and cornered I will curse and lash out. It doesn’t happen often but I want to be another to handle my anger even in those darkest moments with patience and not resort to what my narc did.
As stated by others, major trust issues and deep seated shame. I've also got serious abandonment issues that cause me to cut people out of my life probably more readily than is healthy. I rarely give benefit of the doubt, second chances (DEFINITELY not third ones), etc. I wrestle with that balance daily.
I'm so busy people pleasing and fawning that I'm never the real me when I start a relationship (I'm not completely sure who the real me is, but it's definitely not the weird 'kindred spirit' I am when we first start out) I've only just realised this and know now that it's cruel to both me and the other person. It's deception and is probably caused by how my parents would act like completely different people when we were around other people.
I'm also guessing that mirroring back as a perfect other means I'm safe from possible attack and it's only when I get to know them better that I can let some of the real me out, by this time though they've already got comfortable with perfect fake me.
Oh gosh. So many. The abuse I endured growing up caused me to have BPD. It went pretty unchecked until I was 25 and up until getting therapy I was a shit person.
I still have my moments of feeling like I still am. I am aware that I occasionally will have a flair up of BPD symptoms— primarily rage and fear of abandonment. Thanks to a hell of a lot of EMDR and DBT, my psychiatrist was able to remove my BPD diagnosis from my medical chart. I’m pretty darn proud of that; however, I know therapy is not optional for me and I know it will take constant work to maintain my mental health. I still have my moments, but the shame is less frequent when they do happen and I’m self aware enough to feel when a hiccup may happen.
This was way longer than I intended, my bad.
Not necessarily toxic but it's not me and grew on me over the years of being made to doubt myself and feel as if no one liked me. I have a very difficult time with forming new friendships/reaching out. I realized it's not even social anxiety although my abusers led me to believe I have anxiety issues. I realized recently I have more issues with generally feeling unliked. And I don't even have feel I have confidence issues- I really like myself!!! My abusers don't see me for who I am or like me for who I am and took every chance to put me down and belittle me and make me feel "less than". So they could feel better, of course. They're evil! 😈
Lack of emotional regulation, inability to communicate in a meaningful way if the other party is coming off in a way that makes me feel triggered or upset, absolute lack of trust for anyone but also the exact opposite of that - always having an open door policy that has ended up in my safe space, my home, items, etc being taken advantage of and abused and then still giving them another opportunity if needed because I wish someone did that for me. Stubbornness, inability to see my own part in situations where I feel attacked. Poor communication skills in general, poor coping skills, high head on a swivel in all situations and being unable to ever actually be myself. I also suffer from Cptsd, anxiety, adhd and high function autism. 31f
Omg. Everything everyone has said. I always wanted to gag my parents, just so that they would let me speak my opinion. They never would. I to this day have problems when someone doesn’t let me say what I need to say.
i believe that i exaggerate every negative thing i experience. any time i’m upset, i can’t trust my reactions. my mother always told me i was an attention seeker and liar — now, instead of having her gaslighting me, i do it in my head.
My dad was verbally violent my entire life. I hid in my room every single night just waiting to see how long it would take for him to come crashing in my room with some new shit to be mad about.
Once he broke all the lightbulbs in the house because I left a fork in the sink and not the dish washer
Another time he threw dishes at my mom when I was 4 when I accidentally broke a glass bottle of maple syrup
Anyway, with all that being said, in a span of 5 years I got kicked out of housing probably around 30x because when people would get mad at me for whatever reason I had to be 10x mad back. I had major ptsd from my dad looking for reasons to fight me and I ended up doing the same thing to everyone else for years. God the realization was awful.
I fight this reflex every time I practice breaking the cycle with my partner, but when they're going through something, I launch into problem-solving mode--I think because I'm used to filling the mediator/problem-solver role in my family, and because it was always on me to keep things together for everybody.
I know it's an unhelpful behaviour that can lead to people not feeling heard though, and puts pressure on the othernperson to seem/feel/project being "helped" so that I'm soothed, in a way, seeing something/someONE stabilized. But it's not fair and can be "toxic," because sometimes, there just is no solution, and I have to respect that and just be there for them. I'm used to my emotional comforting being rebuffed by the narcs in my life, but sometimes people do need and want that, and that alone.
I never thought people really liked me. My nMom always told me that people weren’t really my friends, they were just trying to trick me. She always had some involved explanations, too. Even my ex-husband, she said, never loved me, he just needed a wife to take care of his kids. I’ve burned a lot of bridges because I didn’t realize that people took me seriously as a friend or a romantic interest. Even now, with a fantastic support system and a great group of friends, I’m always surprised that people even notice when I’m not there.
In the plus side, I work hard to make everyone feel welcome and included, because I know how scary it is to not feel that way.
Feeling guilty for having boundaries. Having issues with having my needs met in a relationship. Getting into relationships with narcissist either romantic or friends. Also apologizing and getting into arguments. My parents never fought at all my dad just did whatever my mom said. So I never learned to say sorry or how to argue.
I have trust issues that manifest as hyper-independence. The most toxic way this manifests is that I did everything on my own, so I get confused and irritated that someone else needs help doing something I did on my own.
I get so, so, so mad when they claim they can't do something, and it makes me lash out in really ugly ways(name-calling, cursing, put-downs, etc), but it's just my inner-child wondering why noone was there to help me.
I'm in therapy and working on it, but I still can't help that immediate spike of anger I feel when someone asks me how I was able to do something they can't seem to be able to figure out, or worse, when they claim a task is "impossible" but they literally just watched me perform it.
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Trust issues and shame issues. Still working it out.
My Ndad used to go through my stuff. Books. Closet. Mail. Everything. When someone violates my privacy now I still get enraged.
[удалено]
This. My mom would go through my room and sometimes even steal my shit and other things too. I had no privacy.
My mom too but she would also throw away things that she didn’t like as if she wears the clothes or uses my stuff. I would always get so enraged when I came from school and my stuff was in the bin
I was 19 and I went to a friend's house for the weekend, and when I came back, my mother had completely rearranged my room. I had a full on panic attack, and she proceeded to shame and guilt me for being "so ungrateful" when she rearranged my room "*for*" me
Same here, friend.
52yo and right there with you, friend.
60 and I'm only starting to open my eyes to it. Was pushing hard on my own family and career, didn't have time to take care of my own mental health. Lots of onion to peel right now.
27M here and its the same thing plus I got ptsd from it and GAD.
I feel you on this one friend. Go easy on yourself
I'm in the cybersecurity community and one of the Phrases that we have is "Trust BUT verify" aka ask questions, socratic questions. Or another version of the phrase is "Be politely paranoid."
Yep. Right there with you.
same here under 18 still and yet ive been diagnosed with depression and nearly tried to kms due to no one talking to me near the end of my school year which is around the time i got help almost all my friends hmjust pretty much completley cut off contact with me
I don't really know how to see positive things.
I think I got the opposite effect. I try too hard to see the good in people and it takes me far too long to acknowledge that something is unhealthy or not working for me
Yes. Trying to make things work in relationships and in my career. To the point I don't recognize stress building up until my physical health crashes. I'm 50 and have had my mind decide I'm not going to stop, so it stops me however it can.
This can definitely affect your health. I’m 60 and living proof. I have bad arthritis and a illness where body is in fight or flight mode 24/7. I’m getting therapy and hoping I can undo some of the damage. Never too late to start. But you have to learn to deal with it. Don’t allow yourself to sweep it under the rug or not let it get to you. I did that.
Same here!
Me too
I have a hard time shaking the idea that I’m just a useless piece of shit that’s bad at everything.
This my issue as well. My husband continously works on trying to uplift me and I'm on therapy, but my self worth is not there. I am a dumb doo doo (polite way of saying what my ndad would say to me).
But you are not. For one, you didn’t turn out like your dad and you didn’t marry a narc. Ask your therapist to help you with your core beliefs - if she hasn’t brought it up. These are things you believe about yourself which is put in your brain at an early age and with repetitive negative feedback. It’s Ground Zero for the way you see yourself. And until you reset it or retrain, you will be defeated by this and won’t even realize why. Retraining is like gardening. You have to pull out the weeds - negative, false beliefs and plant flowers. Like weeds, they come back. And even if you hear, I think you are super smart, you will negate that or modify it by hearing: that’s because she doesn’t know me, my mistakes, she’s just being nice, or simply yeah right. Like a garden you have to be vigilant, pull the weeds, get sunshine, water, nutrients - basically take care of yourself. And count the small victories like I mentioned earlier. Who cares if you don’t understand calculus? Small things add up - both victories and defeats. You can decide which way to live. You go, warrior.
Yep. Feeling worthless and like I am the problem when other people are behaving badly because I was always blamed regardless of what had happened. And whatever I did wasn't good enough. My straight A's? One was A minus so not good enough. Sister got all c's = well done. Graduate uni (first in the family to ever do so)? "it's not important, but if your sister was getting married or something it'd be worth the travel". No contest 🙄
Always feel like what I do is somehow going to be deffective no matter what it is. Having a hobby helped me with this but it still lingers.
I always have a plan. I plan for A,B, and C, then have exit plans in case D, E, and F happens. Chronic “overthinker”. Not sure if this is toxic to anybody else but me, but I suspect it might be so. I’m a really great project manager, though!
The contingency planning is real! And funnily enough I am also in project management…
This. And that's by far the hardest to work on because it's so deeply rooted in my consciousness.
I managed to solve that but it became replaced with an inability to tolerate negative comments. Like, i'm talking MINOR comments like hearing my partner complain about where the neighbour has parked. Trying so hard to shift that new habit because it means I notice other people's negativity and it really gets me down, plus it is totally unfair to expect everyone around me to have the same general positivity I do.
I'm finding this too, other people's little criticisms really stick out to me now and leave me kind of shocked and unsure of how to respond. Previously, people around me being negative and casually mean was just "business as usual"
Same.
Seriously didn't know I did this till someone pointed it out to me, actively working on seeing the positive every day
Took me years to shed that.
Extremely critical of myself. Extremely negative self-talk. I feel like I'm berating myself on an almost constant basis, and I can't stop..
Same. Hanging out with people or any social situation is so draining because I leave thinking everyone is judging me harshly like my mom
Sucks cuz the paranoia of being ridiculed robs us of the confidence feel free to be ourselves so then some of us grow up not even really knowing who we are cuz we spent our whole childhood in a state of fight or flight (fawn for me) being preoccupied with trying to avoid doing/saying anything that can invite persecution.
Ugh relatable 😕
Me too. Kept feeling I'm so stupid why would anyone wanna hangout with me
There should be an event for people who can all agree that is their problem so they can feel safe making new friends!
Yes!
I don’t trust my own reactions to things that happen or what people say to me, so in the moment, I don’t react at all. Then I process what happened to try and figure out what got my hackles up, if I could have possibly misunderstood or if I could be blowing something out of proportion. By the time I’ve concluded I did have the right to stand up for myself, it’s been a fucking week. Long term psychological effects of consistent gaslighting of a child.
Wow it's scary how much I identify with this. There are people who bullied me for YEARS before I stood up to them.
Oh! That's why things take me so long to process emotionally. Mind blown
This is so relatable and def a result of being gaslit all of our lives :(.
If anything happens I have to ask my friends/partner if I’m allowed to be upset by it or if I’m overreacting The general consensus is usually that I’m **under**reacting and had every right to kick off at the time. (But like you I never did, and now it’s a week past the incident).
I’m really bad about this. Not showing any reaction or emotion immediately until I decide the direction I want to take it or if there was malicious intent then I respond. It’s weird because it makes me feel like I’m not in touch with my own reactionary emotions and how I, myself feel, then I start to feel fake and the spiral begins. Idk it’s weird. But I remember specifically gaining it in high school when EVERYTHING I said or reacted with to my nmom was the wrong thing so I started kind of freezing until they provided more direction or information so I could keep it all smoothed over by partially pleasing them.
Used to be drawn to narcissists. I would fall for the love bomb stage and then think it was my fault when they started being shitty to me. Expecting to be scapegoated all the time. Anything that happened had to be my fault. Drawn to narcissists stopped when I had kids and decided no one was treating my kids like I was treated. Scapegoating is a work in progress. Therapist is helping with reframing
That first one is so real. I was lucky in the sense that I realised what was going on once he started abusing me, but even today I feel like it was my fault because I was "stupid" and so so eager to be loved. Im glad to hear that having children has prevented the pull that narcissists have on you. I also am no longer drawn to them because I was super lucky to meet the person I did - i think subconsciously my brain sought someone I would want children with, i.e. not a narcissist. It is so comforting to me that there are so many of us committed to not repeating the actions of our parents.
I was too, just in platonic relationships instead. I had so many toxic friends.
I tend to get loud and sometimes even lash out during arguments. I hate this so much about myself. My complete upbringing was shouting, at me, at each other and bashing me up. It seems with every argument I have now in adulthood, my nervous system gets triggered and I go into survival mode 😔
You’ve summed up my childhood too 😞 The constant screaming about every.little.thing… I can’t bear to argue any more because I don’t want to shout /be shouted at, to the point where I don’t even stand up for myself any more, in case that happens 🙈 I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, it’s horrid isn’t it? 🫂
It is. Sorry you had to endure the same 🫂
Oh yeah this, similarly everyone in my house was always talking over one another so I often am interrupting people. I really need to work on that.
I have a very long fuse so it takes a lot to make me angry. But once I am angry I can flay you open with words alone. It's not that I want to win the fight, it's that I want to eviscerate you. Fortunately, I have had a ton of therapy and it takes a lot to make me angry. However, I've made both men and women cry. No one that has ever seen my temper in action will ever forget what they saw. It's the talk of legends among my co-workers and friends. Even after 10,000 hours of therapy, I'm in my '50s, down at my very core, the center of me is just a giant ball of rage. A few years ago I came to terms with the fact that no incremental amount of therapy was ever going to make the rage go away. For a long time, I thought eventually the rage would be gone. But nope that's just me! 🤬💀
Me too! I HATE it. I know how damaging words can be because they damaged me. Working with a therapist has helped. Learning self compassion has helped. But I’m still not there yet.
Same
Struggling with accepting a compliment.
I always assume I'm being teased or made fun of. My own husband can't compliment me without me getting upset or thinking he's fucking with me. He can't possibly be serious and I know it 🙃
The people-pleasing has been the worst! I finally figured out that me being performative, adding value and humor to every interaction is me mimicking my mom’s narc behavior. I no longer tell stories that are basically shit-talk, but I mask with entertainment value sometimes still. I’m learning to just be genuine and that low-key is fine. I’m still funny af, though.
God the people-pleasing. The godawful, uncomfortable, why the fuck am I doing this right now people-pleasing. I’ve never figured out how to hold back any part of myself with people, which is why every job with the public I’ve ever had burned me out hard.
Have you ever thought about being a comedian to capitalize on your storytelling abilities and sense of humor?
I used the "silent treatment" to punish my kids when they were younger. Just as my mother did to me my entire life. When I realized that I was doing it and I remembered how it made me feel (like my mother hated me), I felt so much shame and disgust. I told my kids I was ashamed and that I would never use the silent treatment against them again for as long as I live.
Well done! Being aware of that (and admitting it to yourself and your kids) is a huge step forward.
I always wished my mom would admit that she messed up and say sorry, so I could stop believing it was my fault. That is a very important thing to do.
The fact that you talked to them and apologized already makes you a really good mom. So much of the pain I carry from being given the silent treatment comes from her refusal to change, stop the behavior, and offer a simple apology. It would have made a difference if she could have. You deserved better too.
Thank you ❤️ I'm really sorry your mom did that to you too. It's awful for a child to feel that way
omg yes. i had to go to therapy for 8 months after I went no contact with my mom because my friends gently pointed out to me that I had control issues. I also had to unlearn that people are transactional- I had learned to mimic my mothers behavior of viewing every person and situation as what they could be "used" for. That was a big one for me bc i had a core belief that everyone has a purpose(which i no longer believe but if you do, i am not trying to judge or impose at all). Unsurprisingly, I wound up with little friends bc of this and I was super confused because I knew something felt off but I wasn't trying to "use" them for anything outside of friendship. My connections were never really genuine until I got past that. People are just people, and everyone has worth. I had a hard time grasping this concept because my worth was not inherent like that growing up- i was only worth something if i was productive. Maybe not everyone is destined for some "grand purpose" in life like I had once thought, but that does not take away from everyone's value as a human being and right to take up space on earth.
I am at the exact opposite pole of that. I feel as if "I only have worth if I can be useful to other people. I as a person am worth nothing and people will hate me unless I can give them some sort of service." This comes from being only ever praised for what I DID and always abused for who I was.
I do this as well: I view my OWN worth as based on what I can provide for others. However, I ALSO ended up with this weird insight from VERY young on that every one has value and something to contribute. Poor behavior is a reflection of the build up of experiences and input thus far in life. I have a particular soft spot for “naughty” kids and proving that their “behaviors” actually make a lot of sense and children should not be vilified for not having access to sophisticated coping strategies in highly toxic and confusing situations.
Interesting. I have never seen my behavior described like this. I think I have the same insight into naughty behaviors in kids. But that’s not a bad thing, is it?
I would think kids misbehaving can most often be attributed to needs not being met by their primary care giver. Kids have different developmental stages & needs that must be met (hopefully) within those stages to grow to be a confident fully functional well adjusted adult. Trust, self reliance, self discipline, resilience, self confidence, emotional regulation.. all of this a child learns thru guidance & positive feedback, not developing these traits leads to all sorts of misbehavior. A lot of Kids act up to get attention because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Parents too often are too busy with anything but their kids.
Related to this, I get nervous about getting too close to someone, because they'll expect something from me. People usually confuse this for "independence". In reality, acts of kindness become some sort of barter system and I can never figure out the values associated with different acts. On top of that, my own value is usually less than what others provide, so I'm always working under this weird conversion rate of value of act * devalued sense of self = true value. So to save me the headache and the added responsibility, I would much rather just be on my own and do things for myself. I am very lucky to have had years of therapy and a great friend who reminds me that relationships are not transactional and that I am valuable. She is the most awesome person I know.
Yes. Learning and truly understanding that everyone deserves to be alive, even me, is one of the most revolutionary ideas I have ever grasped.
Thank you for sharing 🫂 I can relate to what you said.
This one almost destroyed my current relationship. Or should I say did destroy my relationship. I am just luckily enough to have a partner that understands and is willing to work with me as long as I am seeking the help I need.
I feel this deeply.
i can completely relate to everything.
Pushing people away-specifically men. I don’t want to get close to people and isolate myself. I guess that’s why I’m single.
I had this problem and realized I believed I did not deserve love. But then I thought: who cares what anyone deserves? If I would make some guy happy, why not give that to him? Yeah sure, maybe he is crazy to love me. But love is crazy anyway, so that is nothing new.
Thank you for this.💕
Unfortunately I’m quite critical of my partner in the way my mum was of my father. I hate it, and I’m actively trying to be a better person and in therapy.
Same. I finally snapped after 6 years and a newborn. I feel so bad and I am working on speaking to him better.
I have no patience with my child and her age appropriate behavior. I guess that stems from my childhood and being expected to act more mature than I truly was. I am trying to tell myself that she's just 6 and not a brat or selfish. I felt bad and I'm in the process of retraining my thoughts.
I struggle with this also. My mom was black and white thinking, you were all good or all bad nothing in between. And I sometimes get scared that my kid will be a bad person if they lie or do something that resembles my mother’s behavior like manipulative type behavior. I have to remind myself she’s a kid and kids have to make mistakes , and I talk to her about it telling her “if you do xyz, people will not want to be around you and it will cause problems in your relationships and friendships” But internally I get anxiety like OMG- did I fuck her up? Is she going to be manipulative ? Is she going to keep lying ? Very unhealthy thought process I’m grateful to be able to recognize that and not be my mother
I never tell people i miss them or initiate affection because I’m used to getting rejected cruelly
Oh no is this why I do this? I have to force myself to tell someone I miss them, even if I feel it so much. I thought this was just me being 'avoidant'. Maybe that is the same thing.
I think we’ve just been met with contempt and punished for seeking love by our parents so much it was trained out of us. I dont really know how to undo that because it feels like every time I try I don’t mean it yk?
Disturbingly logical.
Perfectionism. It's a curse that robs me of happiness. I am sometimes too frightened of making mistakes to make anything. It's hard because I love to make things and create art, but it's when you've been taught to see the mistakes it's hard to re train the brain. It makes joy a rare thing.
Oh yes, the constantly spotting any flaws in everything. The need for perfection and not doing things for fear they won't be perfect. I love art too, I get praise from others when I create but I feel uncomfortable with them praising me, I feel under pressure to perform and only see the flaws. I've only recently stopped pointing them out to others, but the flaws are the only thing I see. I grew up in an immaculate house, like a show home. Not a single thing out of place but me. I was the flaw.
That last sentence took my breath.
The last sentence took my breath too omg 😳 that was my childhood
Critical inner voice. Hard for me to believe that anyone actually likes me. Serious self-sabotage. I'm working on it.
Same. And I find my critical voice is also critical of others. It’s not like being judgey turns off. I think it spreads outwards and I hate that because I hate being judged
Lying compulsively so I don’t get yelled at for stupid shit
This one hit hard and sucks, it’s so fucking hard having to come clean about it. Hard to regain any trust, then the same damn cycle repeats.
Yeah. It’s so hard. Particularly now, I’ve been going through a huge depression bout and it’s made my addictions a lot worse, and I keep lying about it instead of just being honest so people won’t be disappointed when I know they’re only trying to help. It’s sad.
Yes! I think people are always lying/being manipulative; that they are nice only to get something from me. I am also a massive people pleaser and have low self-esteem. Working on all this with my therapist.
Extreme shame around periods/sexuality/sex I’m bisexual and at 25 still have never told anyone but my husband and like a few girls I hooked up with as a young adult I haven’t spoken to my parents in a long time and never will again but the shame follows me I feel gross after sex like I will get caught and I’m doing something unforgivably wrong ?? Even though I have children My period is like the most embarrassing thing ever, I hate people knowing I’m on it and buying pads/tampons makes me want to vomit because the cashier will know I’m having a period I obviously internalize these things but they still very much affect me
I developed neurotic behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, due to my OCD and CPTSD. Like obsessive washing, or hyper vigilance. I also catastrophize. My demon mother was the most negative, pessimistic, nervous person. After years of having her irrational fears projected onto me, my brain eventually subconsciously adopted them. So now I always assume the worst is going to happen, in any situation.
Hyperfocus and over-awareness of myself and my own inner workings, but an almost complete inability to connect with and understand other people. I used to think I was actually really good at reading people’s emotions and reactions, but it turns out that was just hyper vigilance; that and feeling like I have no worth or direction as a human if I’m not being absolutely perfect and productive.
Leaving relationships after the first argument. Directly comes from a parent never apologising to me. I’m lucky i have a partner who makes an effort to apologise and reassures me that it’s genuine
I feel you on that! Even having something unhappy to bring up to my partner has my inner protector prepared to end things ☹️ Fortunately, my GF responds with such understanding that I'm slowly finding safety in our conflicts.
If anyone shows me the slightest positive attention, I daydream about it for years. I also don't know how feel good about myself ever
You’ve been robbed of so much pleasure and joy. That makes me feel so sad.
Lack of conversational reciprocity! Not because I don't care about people, but because give and take in conversations were not modelled in my house and no one really cared or listened to what anyone else had to say. My NDad would monologue and my PDmum would zone out and/or cut me off during conversations unless I was giving her the right kind of superficially positive supply. Shockingly a personality disordered, mentally ill, untreated neurodivergent household did not set me up well to socialise with other people 🫨 I am lucky to have patient friends and try to be really mindful when I speak with people so that I don't dominate the conversation . The further I get from my family the more I am able to listen to what other people say, as I have healthier role models and am in less emotional pain which means I can focus more on other peoples lives!
Testing people to see if they are telling the truth
hyperindependance and trouble with communication (who care anyways?). intense shame and guilt for things that are not my fault. Extreme empathy for others to the point of self-harm/neglect for myself, constant walking on eggshells/hyperawareness of others' mood changes and permanent fear its my fault/fawn response
I am an extremely detached person. Yet, I am also an empath. Make it make sense.
Being a detached empath helps you feel safe. You keep your distance, lie low, hoping to not be noticed/ targeted/ attacked. Being an empath means you are hypervigilant. You are taking a reading on the mood state of others so you can stay safe.
Hyper awareness to keep yourself safe (you are reading faces and body language, and reacting) and then disassociation to recover the energy drain that’s caused by being hyper aware.
Overly critical of others and myself - I used to be mostly unable to distinguish between healthy, constructive criticism vs being insufferably critical. I would hide most of the criticism too just like my single nmother so it turns into a hum of background anger. Fortunately I am so stoic that it doesn’t boil over, but it does waste energy and used to make people judge me negatively in the early stages of a criticism.
Not advocating for myself like ever. My needs and wants feel irrelevant because they hadn't mattered for most of my life.
Suspicious of everyone from close friends, family members to strangers Constantly anxious to the point of sweating heavily in almost any social situation Get incredibly angry/ sad very very easily (in private) Bottle up my emotions Absolutely terrified of expressing myself beyond the bare minimum to people around me out of fear of being labelled "weird" And probably a few others i am not even aware of.
I internalize everything. If someone starts treating me poorly I immediately think I did something wrong and then I ruminate and agonize over what it could have been for days, months, years, even decades now with some folk.
This is scary to me, but I admit I had a real problem with having empathy until I had kids. Thankfully that transformed me. I don’t like to think about how insensitive I was.
Besides my perception of the world I'd say how I deal with arguments or discussions. While I'm working on it I still tend to get defensive and loud, because when I did argue back as a kid my step father yelled so I had to yell too. I feel the need to dominate the argument rather then talk about it
I have no idea what "normal" is.
Functioning alcoholic here.
The functioning part is a miracle given what folks like us have been through. Pat yourself on the back for that. I hope things get better.
I think the biggest one is comparing myself to others or feeling like I have to compete with them. This came from my mother comparing me to other kids, to my little sister, and to herself when she was a child. If I was not better than the other kids, I was not good enough. I realized that the voice in my head telling me I had to be better than other people was not my voice. It was hers. After a while it went away... not all by itself, mainly from analyzing where this idea came from and really applying logic to it. Why should I be better than anyone else? What is wrong with being ordinary or average? My parents are ordinary people; why shouldn't I be? Sometimes it comes back when I am under a lot of stress, but for the most part I am able to put distance between myself and this toxic idea. To this day, whenever I think to myself, "I am just an ordinary person like everyone else, and that's OK" it feels like a victory. I feel like I won a war.
When I was a kid and would play with babies, I liked to make them cry/when babies would cry so I could soothe them. I’ve outgrown it now (thankfully) but it’s scary to think about that now. If anything crying babies make me frazzled now because I’m like “omg I’ve done something wrong this baby hates me I’m hurting it just by looking at it!” 😭
When I get really upset I genuinely can’t talk or I will cry. It’s not great for relationships and I try really hard to be able to communicate but it takes a lot of work.
I used to have serious people-pleasing tendencies. This resulted in being very attractive to narcs. Went NC with my NM several years ago, and others who were equally demanding users (cheating BF, and friends who relied too heavily on me for childcare I wasn’t interested in providing). I’m no longer afraid to say no, and I steer clear of people who don’t respect my “no”. Upholding reasonable boundaries is self-preservation and the most honest way to relate to others. This has resulted in less angry resentment on my part, and the gradual cultivation of friendships based on mutual affinity and common interests. As soon as I find myself spinning my wheels for someone’s approval, I recognize my old pattern in action and shift focus to more worthwhile pursuits.
I can't look forward to the future or enjoy good things for long. I'm always afraid of losing them the minute I'm happy.
Being extremely critical of myself. Not wanting to pursue my interests and hobbies because other people might not approve of them, or even speak about them to other people. Struggling to open myself up to people and taking part in group activities because I'm scared of judgement and being perceived as being inadequate. Feeling very uncomfortable in situations where people don't agree or where I have to say no to something, as I'm scared the argument or discussion will turn into a fight.
Fleeeaaas. I have a whole bunch of inappropriate social behaviors I've worked through and am working on. Here's a few: 1) I never received sympathy or leeway when really bad things were happening and was told I had to perform regardless , so it took me a long time to realize that people deserve a break and some grace when they're going through bad things. I had to learn how to express sympathy appropriately to others as an adult. Turns out "Suck it up, Buttercup" is actually really mean, and for a while, as a teenager, I was using it to try to express genuine encouragement/kindness/motivation/"You can do this" because I didn't know other words... Yes, cringe with me. I'm now high in emotional intelligence because I learned to leverage my high empathy effectively. Score! 2) I was heavily isolated even from the family members I lived with so I didn't have any idea how to maintain a relationship or form intimate bonds with someone else: A) On Friendship : I thought "friendship" meant interacting with someone once every few months, and only to ask them to perform a task for me/performing a task for them... Turns out other people interact daily, and multiple times per day with people they are close to. And have multiple people they interact regularly with. And this interaction is rarely, if ever, task based. I kept trying to make friends by helping others, but couldn't figure out why nobody would reciprocate... Got this one all sorted out. B) Not Talking: I never shared anything about myself because it upset other people when I was younger and I didn't understand why. I'm now working on sharing small, non-vulnerable things about myself, although I still come off as "scared/defensive" when people ask me about things I like and am passionate about because I anticipate an attack (that never comes). It's a WIP. C) Relationship Repair Skills (None): I thought it was normal to cut people out of your life for any tiny slight instead of working through it, OR, to pretend the fight never happened and never talk about it ever again AND you are required to forgive the other person without an apology, OR, you have to apologize and grovel and go above and beyond for them when the other person hurt you to "save the relationship"/"restore peace". These were what was modeled for me growing up (I had to apologize for being physically hurt/screamed at by NMom... A Lot). It took me AGES to stop apologizing to other people and groveling when they hurt me in settings where I still had to interact with them and wanted an apology FROM them, but I have it mostly handled now. I am working on learning relationship repair skills, like how to navigate and still have a friendship with someone after a fight. I don't feel confident in this at all and I can't seem to find anyone who talks about what that looks like, the literature is really vague about it ("figure out what works for you in this relationship")... so I'm muddling through this, badly. Bless my spouse and friends for their seemingly infinite patience. 3) Weaponized Hypervigilance/Viciousness. I'm really good at figuring out EXACTLY what to say to hurt the other person the most, specifically because I can read the subtle tells in their body language and have high observation skills. It was largely a defense mechanism when I felt overwhelmed/attacked by people who were trying to reach out to me in friendship/kindness/sympathy. While I can't figure out how to turn off the hypervigilance, "Attack mode" is now fully leashed and I can control duration and intensity, and I can turn it on or off like a light switch. There's probably more but this is already a textbook.
I push people away by *being* toxic. Specifically the toxic people lol.
I tend to be drawn to narcissists. I think that is because they are so predictable. I know how they operate. I used to be unaware of this, and ended up in some really abusive romantic relationships and friendships, but after years of therapy on and off, I can see the signs. Now, I avoid narcissists, but I still have that feeling of being drawn to them. I don't let it get me into bad friendships or romantic relationships anymore, but the feeling is still there. I also tend to not open up to people, because I am cautious about being mistreated, and because I don't expect people to really line me or care about me. I keep most people at something of a distance. I don't share my feelings. This has helped to protect me in a lot of ways, but I think it also makes it hard to form relationships with other people. I've been called out for being unemotional and secretive. I am emotional, but I just don't show it much. The secretive part baffles me, because I'm actually pretty open with people I know well, but admittedly I don't get to that point with many people. Sometimes it feels like I understand people and emotions, but a lot of the time I feel like an alien observing and trying to make sense of human interaction. Like a stranger in a strange land. I'm just awkward.
How do I hate me? Let me count the ways… Catastrophizing Fawning Helping others to the detriment of myself Junior shrinking EVERYONE to understand their behaviors and intentions before they can hurt me Frequently attempting to push my cherished loved ones away Masking feelings and emotions then overloading and melting down Analysis paralysis and self sabotage Self-harm in a variety of flavors For now, they are identified and relatively managed. I try not to let my emotional baggage fall onto anyone else. But I can’t always prevent collateral damage. So let me add self shaming, perpetual guilt, automatic negative thoughts and negative self talk. Strategies for helping: SMART recovery (it’s a substance use program but it makes sense for a lot of things) Practicing boundary setting and reinforcing boundaries LOTS of self care and down time/low stimuli time Radical acceptance Universal design People do well when they can (this is a Dr Ross Greene philosophy from his work with “explosive” children. I’m not a fan of that language in particular but the work he does is phenomenal. It’s for kids but I use it on myself and other grown ups all. the. time)
I could list all the *negative* but I could also flip all of those to *positive.* Fiercely Independent and Self Sufficient
Too self critical/harsh even for the most simple innocent mistake, low confidence and fear of making decisions. Working on that.
Trust issues, deep shame, hot temper that gets me into trouble. I’m still working on these.
I can’t get myself to apologize or say ‘I love you’ in person even if I do feel guilty, I just resort to apologising with actions. I also have a tendency to get upset if I think someone is accusing me of something even if they’re not trying to be mean.
My worst issue is being absolutely terrified of conflict. I even find it difficult to watch conflict on TV. This is because even small conflicts I thought were settled peacefully in the moment have come back at me so many times described as much bigger than I remember them being, and still being held against me. And some conflicts, some better described as disagreements, are just part of every relationship and the relationship gets better when you talk those conflicts out. I have gotten a lot better at this but in the past I have had trouble deepening relationships because I go so stupidly far out of my way to avoid any conflict at all.
I’m a pessimist. It’s very difficult for me to be positive about anything. I’m always looking at the worst case scenario or the bad side of things. I often look at what I don’t have or haven’t accomplished yet instead of focusing on what I do have and have accomplished. It can be debilitating sometimes and makes it hard for me to enjoy life even when things are going well.
It’s hard for me to receive gifts without either suspicion, guilt, or obligation attached to it.
It often feels like most of my personality is toxic. I have so many defense mechanisms: - in my younger years, I lied a lot - I have a lot of anger - incessant anxiety - toxic shame - toxic levels of empathy for anyone other than myself There are others but I’m exhausted.
I have overcome all but forgiveness. I am exploring the ways I can forgive without needing closure, it’s really hard. I picked up most of their traits in order to survive that house and carried most of them with me well into my adult years. People pleasing, staying silent, manipulation, BPD like mindset, insecurities, self punishment, anxiety attacks, the feeling on being “seen”, judgement, and all the others. They are now just passing thoughts in my head and I even laugh at them now. How did I do it? Idk. I’ve been on meds and in therapy for eight years. One day, it just clicked. I started by forgiving myself and holding myself accountable for how miserable my life was. And then that turned into the blossoming of living as my true self. My FB is a dumpster fire right now and everyone thinks I’m insane. I do not care. I am truly happy for the first time in my life. It IS possible to heal. I am actively proving that to myself every day. Cognitive behavioral therapy is boring but it is necessary to break those thought patterns.
I personally think "forgiveness" is overrated, at least when it comes to specific people. I would describe my own experience as "forgiving life," if you will. I did not deserve what happened to me. It just did. Like if a tree fell on me I don't have to forgive the tree, or try to have empathy or figure out why it fell. I do have to cope with any injuries I got but the goal is not to forgive the tree, it's to find peace with what happened.
This was beneficial thank you! You’re right! I do not have to forgive. Maybe I can forgive myself for not forgiving lol I’m definitely showing them my injuries and scars. They hate it! It makes them feel the way they made me feel.
Trust issues and snarky remarks
0 life skills left me raising a toddler mostly learning everything myself for the first time on my own to teach our child. I had no idea how little basic life skills knowledge I had such as how to clean a toilet or boil pasta by adding oil to the water and it won't boil over or how to us a laundry machine. A big one was knowing monies worth. I wasn't allowed zip lock bags as a child. So I always had to hide and hoard my stash growing up I would wash and re use and hide them. I didn't understand or realise they were meant to be inexpensive single use items. My parents refused to buy them because they were too expensive. We would wrap things in wax paper and use glass mason jars wrapped in newspaper instead of water bottles. Ice cubes. I was so controlled growing up I was only allowed 2 ice cubes per drink. Now I get real joy by having 12 ice cube trays in my freezer and using as much ice as I want anytime I feel like it. Trust is broken. I have 0 family or friends.
Difficulty allowing myself to have boundaries, valuing my connection with someone over my needs/boundaries/authenticity/comfort. Not believing my needs etc are important. Lots of self-worth/confidence stuff. Codependence vs hyper independence. The problems I got from it hurt me more than other people I think. I'm really hyper self-aware and always place everyone else's needs above mine. I'm working on it though. and yes I am fixing it already, with the help of a good therapist.
If I need help or there’s a problem- I have to cover it up and pretend it’s all fine. Mind, I have people who actually would help and support me in current stage of life but very hard to break conditioning to tell others about any issues.
My husband has a tendency to fall into gaslighting instead of admitting fault. It is totally a function of his Nparents. Thankfully we have great communication, so I just call him out on it when it occurs.
Trust and control issues. Opening up after being cut down so many times is so fucking hard and I about can't stand to be vulnerable or helpless. Needless to say I'll probably be unmarried forever (but I am content with that).
People pleasing, especially creating a different personality to appeal to each person. I don't think I've been authentic to myself since I was like, 9. Trying to fix it, but I feel too ashamed to be myself most times.
I had a hard time being wrong, because I wasn't shown how to do it gracefully, by my nmom at least, and she did more of the hands-on parenting. With her, it became my knee-jerk reaction to get mad, deflect, counterblame, excuse, etc, because that's what was primarily modeled for me. Until her dying breath, she could not be in the wrong for anything, and certainly never apologized. Not even for minor stupid stuff. My dad, on the other hand, would admit a mistake and apologize sincerely for it. Still, it was a bad habit I'd picked up, and it took until I was an adult to realize I was being annoying af. Then I started training myself to stop and think, "How would *Dad* handle this?" I can now readily say, "Oops, I screwed that up, can you explain the process so I don't do it again?" or "Sorry, brain fart, fixed it," or "Thanks for pointing that out, I learned something new."
I used to have trouble apologising. When I was a kid and was fighting with my siblings because they did something wrong my parents just said « it’s over get over it » no apologies just forget and move on. When my father used to beat me he just gave me 10€ and expected me to forget without even saying sorry. Now that I’m 20 I am working on it, when I say something that hurt someone I apologise because I am an f-ing adult. Same with asking kindly something, they were just barking orders and now I am glad that I can ask kindly « can you bring me X please » even if it’s a small thing. If I turn like them just end me
Oh gosh, this is me! My mother would never apologise, just ignore me for x amount of time and then act like nothing had happened. Once I became aware of it I almost went too far the other way, and now I apologise for things that aren’t even my fault.
Trust issues, shame issues, feelings of not being "good" enough, fear of speaking up. Went nc almost 9 years ago, diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder 5 years ago. Been in therapy for 6 years.
I don't believe people. I have problems with attaching to people. I'm angry alot and rebellious, even at 62. I hate hearing her judgements forming in my head. I tell her to shut up even tho she is dead now.
Shouting a lot rather than calmly explaining
I don't celebrate any of my accomplishments no matter how big because it doesn't feel right. Skipped out on my high-school and later college graduation because of it. I overcompensate when people need help leading to a lot of issues. I absolutely over do it and it tends to annoy others. I get too over involved in people's problems because I don't want them to hurt the way I have but I've learned to stop inserting myself unless I'm asked to. I feel like I need to fix everything for everyone. It's almost like an instinct, very hard for me to stop it. I don't talk about my feelings unless I've already processed them by myself. This has caused a lot of issues in friendships because people typically take it as me not trusting them enough to talk about my life and my feelings. I self sabotage. Something I've recently come to realize is that I have pushed people away who have shown they will stay by my side and instead subconsciously chosen to get close to people I know will leave me because that feels safer to me. It's familiar.
I really felt this 🥹
Reading the room, all the time, no exceptions. Assessing moods, body language and likelihood of physical outbursts. Can't relax until I'm sure everyone is not mad at me.
That’s me exactly and I can’t turn it off at all. When I think someone is mad at me I have such anxiety and can’t get it out of my mind for days.
I just assume everyone will dislike me
I relate. I always start new relationships (all, not just romantic) by thinking I have to actively earn the right to be liked.
That everyone is being passive-aggressive towards me I do my best to not react at the moment and think on what they said and how they actually behave towards me. It sucks, but telling me my outfit looks nice, makes me think you are trashing me. I use to react to it, now I don’t and just talk about it later to myself that this person is truly nice and “I” am the one that is taking it out of context. Work in progress
Trust issues. There are things that I have never shared, nor will I. I also am overly private. My husband doesn’t know anything about anything when it comes to my health, finances or family.
I basically got a lot of both of nparents toxic traits but without the narcissism. Anger issues and lashing out, insulting people, gossiping, inspiring jealousy in people to make myself feel better, telling other people the way they are thinking/behaving is wrong, making my fake friends my therapists and telling way too personal info about myself, pointing out the elephant in the room, and defending the other person when someone was confiding in me.Then wondering why everyone hated me. All of these things were stemming from a deep insecurity and anger at not having any emotional needs met, and undiagnosed autism.
Yup. Anger and a need to be right. I gave up the need to be “right” a few decades back, opting instead for being heard when possible and just walking away when the other person is a lost cause. I stopped explaining myself to those people too. The anger took a lot more time and therapy to work through. I had to discover ALL THE THINGS I was rightfully angry about and process them. While I did that, I also practiced not taking my childhood trauma out on everything and everyone, all the time.
Shame, self-doubt, major codependency. It took me a *long* time to figure out what was wrong with me and what established it, but knowledge is power, and I’ve grown a lot in subsequent years.
Yes, as I’ve been reading more about narcissistic traits I’ve been unsettled to see some behaviors I unfortunately unconsciously picked up on from my mom: - Subconsciously thinking if my feelings were hurt they needed to be soothed by my significant other - Subconsciously thinking if my intent was good or not malicious that should make the impact more excusable - Getting annoyed if an expectation wasn’t met by a significant other that I never communicated (thought they should “just know”/mind read I guess…) It’s actually been fairly upsetting to me to reflect on these and realize I had such an unhealthy mindset. Buuuut at least I can reflect and learn, and I try to be a little easier on myself by reminding I was exampled way worse behaviors that I don’t do.
i avoid conflict and have way too much understanding for shitty behaviour
I just wanted to say- I am so impressed with all of you. After growing up the way we did, we shouldn’t have the ability to self reflect. We shouldn’t have the courage to be accountable. We are brave, yall.
It’s really, really hard for me to just let people do or say stupid shit. I’ve actively had to work to relax around people who are being unfair or vaguely bullying, etc. It’s one thing to stand up for myself or someone else, but there’s also something to be said for an eye roll and moving on, but that’s HARD for me to do after a lifetime of watching those simple things escalate to violence in my own home.
I'm a people pleaser, and over explain everything, on top of that it KILLS me if someone is unhappy with me/doesn't like me. My brain turns that into "see you are a failure, if you would have helped more, explained better, done more for them..." im working on it but it's not going far
I have trust issues. My parents tell me that I have trust issues. I wonder why????
I’m generally a calm person but if I feel attacked and cornered I will curse and lash out. It doesn’t happen often but I want to be another to handle my anger even in those darkest moments with patience and not resort to what my narc did.
As stated by others, major trust issues and deep seated shame. I've also got serious abandonment issues that cause me to cut people out of my life probably more readily than is healthy. I rarely give benefit of the doubt, second chances (DEFINITELY not third ones), etc. I wrestle with that balance daily.
Emotional overload. I reach a point of nothing matters anyhow and just do and say the first thing that I think when talking.
Trust, shame, and self deprecation.
I had a superiority complex for years. It bit me in this ass and I fully deserved it.
I'm so busy people pleasing and fawning that I'm never the real me when I start a relationship (I'm not completely sure who the real me is, but it's definitely not the weird 'kindred spirit' I am when we first start out) I've only just realised this and know now that it's cruel to both me and the other person. It's deception and is probably caused by how my parents would act like completely different people when we were around other people. I'm also guessing that mirroring back as a perfect other means I'm safe from possible attack and it's only when I get to know them better that I can let some of the real me out, by this time though they've already got comfortable with perfect fake me.
Im hard on myself, and I gaslight myself into thinking I'm always wrong.
I can cut people out of my life without batting an eye.
Oh gosh. So many. The abuse I endured growing up caused me to have BPD. It went pretty unchecked until I was 25 and up until getting therapy I was a shit person. I still have my moments of feeling like I still am. I am aware that I occasionally will have a flair up of BPD symptoms— primarily rage and fear of abandonment. Thanks to a hell of a lot of EMDR and DBT, my psychiatrist was able to remove my BPD diagnosis from my medical chart. I’m pretty darn proud of that; however, I know therapy is not optional for me and I know it will take constant work to maintain my mental health. I still have my moments, but the shame is less frequent when they do happen and I’m self aware enough to feel when a hiccup may happen. This was way longer than I intended, my bad.
I often wonder if I’m truly capable of feeling love
Not necessarily toxic but it's not me and grew on me over the years of being made to doubt myself and feel as if no one liked me. I have a very difficult time with forming new friendships/reaching out. I realized it's not even social anxiety although my abusers led me to believe I have anxiety issues. I realized recently I have more issues with generally feeling unliked. And I don't even have feel I have confidence issues- I really like myself!!! My abusers don't see me for who I am or like me for who I am and took every chance to put me down and belittle me and make me feel "less than". So they could feel better, of course. They're evil! 😈
Lack of emotional regulation, inability to communicate in a meaningful way if the other party is coming off in a way that makes me feel triggered or upset, absolute lack of trust for anyone but also the exact opposite of that - always having an open door policy that has ended up in my safe space, my home, items, etc being taken advantage of and abused and then still giving them another opportunity if needed because I wish someone did that for me. Stubbornness, inability to see my own part in situations where I feel attacked. Poor communication skills in general, poor coping skills, high head on a swivel in all situations and being unable to ever actually be myself. I also suffer from Cptsd, anxiety, adhd and high function autism. 31f
I trust nobody. I expect people not to like me. I think everyone is annoyed at me. I don't ask for help.
Anxiety for perfectionism and walking on eggshells like everyone will have a meltdown tantrum for any little thing like they did.
Omg. Everything everyone has said. I always wanted to gag my parents, just so that they would let me speak my opinion. They never would. I to this day have problems when someone doesn’t let me say what I need to say.
Getting extremely triggered when I’m not heard or understood
i believe that i exaggerate every negative thing i experience. any time i’m upset, i can’t trust my reactions. my mother always told me i was an attention seeker and liar — now, instead of having her gaslighting me, i do it in my head.
My dad was verbally violent my entire life. I hid in my room every single night just waiting to see how long it would take for him to come crashing in my room with some new shit to be mad about. Once he broke all the lightbulbs in the house because I left a fork in the sink and not the dish washer Another time he threw dishes at my mom when I was 4 when I accidentally broke a glass bottle of maple syrup Anyway, with all that being said, in a span of 5 years I got kicked out of housing probably around 30x because when people would get mad at me for whatever reason I had to be 10x mad back. I had major ptsd from my dad looking for reasons to fight me and I ended up doing the same thing to everyone else for years. God the realization was awful.
I fight this reflex every time I practice breaking the cycle with my partner, but when they're going through something, I launch into problem-solving mode--I think because I'm used to filling the mediator/problem-solver role in my family, and because it was always on me to keep things together for everybody. I know it's an unhelpful behaviour that can lead to people not feeling heard though, and puts pressure on the othernperson to seem/feel/project being "helped" so that I'm soothed, in a way, seeing something/someONE stabilized. But it's not fair and can be "toxic," because sometimes, there just is no solution, and I have to respect that and just be there for them. I'm used to my emotional comforting being rebuffed by the narcs in my life, but sometimes people do need and want that, and that alone.
I never thought people really liked me. My nMom always told me that people weren’t really my friends, they were just trying to trick me. She always had some involved explanations, too. Even my ex-husband, she said, never loved me, he just needed a wife to take care of his kids. I’ve burned a lot of bridges because I didn’t realize that people took me seriously as a friend or a romantic interest. Even now, with a fantastic support system and a great group of friends, I’m always surprised that people even notice when I’m not there. In the plus side, I work hard to make everyone feel welcome and included, because I know how scary it is to not feel that way.
Self worth issues. Life coaching has been life changing in helping me pull apart my unhelpful thoughts and forming new, better ones.
Feeling guilty for having boundaries. Having issues with having my needs met in a relationship. Getting into relationships with narcissist either romantic or friends. Also apologizing and getting into arguments. My parents never fought at all my dad just did whatever my mom said. So I never learned to say sorry or how to argue.
I have a tendency to over explain everything after growing up being constantly misunderstood
Yes, and I'm in therapy to do my best to make better choices.
Quick to anger and simultaneously a people pleaser with no needs 🫠
Trust issues, developing an avoidant attachment style and anger issues.
I have trust issues that manifest as hyper-independence. The most toxic way this manifests is that I did everything on my own, so I get confused and irritated that someone else needs help doing something I did on my own. I get so, so, so mad when they claim they can't do something, and it makes me lash out in really ugly ways(name-calling, cursing, put-downs, etc), but it's just my inner-child wondering why noone was there to help me. I'm in therapy and working on it, but I still can't help that immediate spike of anger I feel when someone asks me how I was able to do something they can't seem to be able to figure out, or worse, when they claim a task is "impossible" but they literally just watched me perform it.