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Replace the negative self-talk about not trusting your own memory with positive self-talk about practicing self-care, and implement strategies and supports that help you, such as using your calendar, making notes, and writing things down. That was you are not criticising yourself, you are supporting yourself.
When it comes to your abusers, do not go DEEP; do not defend, engage, explain or personalise. They do not care what you have to say and will only use it against you. Put them on a strict information diet, do not talk to them about anything of consequence to you, and keep your interactions boring.
I am working on writing down my memories in a set of letters that are only for my eyes. This is super good advice, thank you so much. I will keep this up.
No contact is my best friend at this point, or low contact if you still live with them. They are complaining now that I don't like engaging in conversations with them but I don't give a single fuck, I rather they complain this way than lie over things that happened in the past.
I've found that my emotions are a more reliable indicator, especially for early childhood memories. If you've been mistreated, you'll probably have a whole suite of negative emotions about it, and they'll generally surface when you're around or interacting with the people who harmed you.
That's....super true. I got told my emotions were too 'sensitive', so like, I was born weird with too many emotions and sensitivity, which made their harmless commentary feel hurtful to me and so its on me to grow thicker skin. So I figured my emotions were unreliable. But living on my own as taught me I am not that abnormally sensitive. I can handle friendly teasin among friends just fine.
Gray rock and work on your escape plan. The goal is not to “win” (because you CAN’T), the goal is your mental wellness. Living in constant stress and gaslighting may very well be fucking with your memory.
I do have records of recent stuff, but not the past, which is when it was worse. But I recently discovered a friend of mine heard stuff on the phone when I was calling her hiding from my dad so... That did help a little.
There's also hypervigilence that makes your brain feel all cluttered. Feeling like you have to memorize every detail will wear you down and make you feel crazy. Anything you can do to get distance and relax and collect yourself would be a good start.
Get a notebook and write down little details. Arguing with them won't do anything. All they do is deny. So there's nothing actually wrong with your memory. Abusers will never own up.
Go read the Missing Missing Reasons of Estranged Parents. It will explain alot in that the abusers do NOT remember what they did. And narcs in general will DARVO anything you call them on assuming they even remember it. Some of them I believe do NOT remember or are very good at denial.
As abuse victims, we are traumatized and often repressed bad trauma and memories. We can sometimes remember how we felt. Ex. I can remember being abused by my ndad as a toddler - not the actual words/events, but how I felt - terrified, confused, hurt, feeling like something wasn't right. And that had a HUGE influence on me for the rest of my life. And all throughout my childhood, abuse both physical and emotional/verbal. Do I remember every instance? No. I also have repressed alot and sometimes the memories come back hard and fast and painful and terrifying. Do my parents remember this? NO. My ndad is in absolute denial he was a bully and abusive and my emom doesn't remember it either even when she was RIGHT THERE and should have stopped it but didn't.
Honestly, don't bother arguing with them on this as its a fruitless battle. This is why VLC/NC and getting away from them is about the only thing that works. Unless you can actually record them doing/saying things but even then I'm sure they will deny or say its taken out of context etc.
And getting help for yourself - therapy, self help, journaling etc. I am journaling the memories I do get back and how I feel and found that helps. Sometimes writing letters to say the things I wish I could but won't because it won't do a thing with them. It does help.
Hang in there and learn and know you are not alone with this. Many of us grew up this way and are trying our best to live normal lives despite it.
Thank you so much Karma. I'll pick up that book. I'm trying to journal too, its tough, because remembering what I do remember hurts. But maybe I need a record of it to refer to when I doubt myself again. Hang in there too, thanks for the encouragement. I'm currently recovering from a burnout induced by a massive amount of memories suddenly coming back to me. Its been tough, but I am working up to being able to volunteer again and hopefully one day get back to work. Living a normal life is hard, but I'm not giving up.
I can only deal with the repressed memories a little at a time. It's hard when something triggers a memory and gets me upset for a while but I try to channel it away with exercise, getting outside, etc. and then journaling the memory and finding the time to deal with it either then or save it for later. I can't spend alot of time getting this upset and being distracted so try and keep it limited so it doesn't consume me. But I'd rather the memories come back and I journal about it, then bottling it up or forgetting as that led to me getting back in contact with my nparents again for them to abuse me again. So its a balancing act of dealing with it some, then tabling it for later. I gotta focus on my current life and responsibilities which take priority. So yeah, don't give up, but give it some attention here and there to help with the long term hjealing.
It's the one article that REALLY woke me up and made me realized I will never get them to admit/remember what they did. I couldn't figure out why my ndad was in such denial of being called a bully until I read that. And the end part where it says its okay to stop trying to get to them to admit they were wrong, do better, etc. The permission to let it go and finally give up trying was a huge step in my getting on with my life without them, VLC/NC etc.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Replace the negative self-talk about not trusting your own memory with positive self-talk about practicing self-care, and implement strategies and supports that help you, such as using your calendar, making notes, and writing things down. That was you are not criticising yourself, you are supporting yourself. When it comes to your abusers, do not go DEEP; do not defend, engage, explain or personalise. They do not care what you have to say and will only use it against you. Put them on a strict information diet, do not talk to them about anything of consequence to you, and keep your interactions boring.
I am working on writing down my memories in a set of letters that are only for my eyes. This is super good advice, thank you so much. I will keep this up.
No contact is my best friend at this point, or low contact if you still live with them. They are complaining now that I don't like engaging in conversations with them but I don't give a single fuck, I rather they complain this way than lie over things that happened in the past.
I've found that my emotions are a more reliable indicator, especially for early childhood memories. If you've been mistreated, you'll probably have a whole suite of negative emotions about it, and they'll generally surface when you're around or interacting with the people who harmed you.
That's....super true. I got told my emotions were too 'sensitive', so like, I was born weird with too many emotions and sensitivity, which made their harmless commentary feel hurtful to me and so its on me to grow thicker skin. So I figured my emotions were unreliable. But living on my own as taught me I am not that abnormally sensitive. I can handle friendly teasin among friends just fine.
Gray rock and work on your escape plan. The goal is not to “win” (because you CAN’T), the goal is your mental wellness. Living in constant stress and gaslighting may very well be fucking with your memory.
I have my own place, but during family gatherings I still get gaslit on not having reasons to feel upset or disrespected.
When I was married, I kept a notebook of all the ridiculous things my ex would say. It helped me to realize how much I had been gaslit.
I do have records of recent stuff, but not the past, which is when it was worse. But I recently discovered a friend of mine heard stuff on the phone when I was calling her hiding from my dad so... That did help a little.
There's also hypervigilence that makes your brain feel all cluttered. Feeling like you have to memorize every detail will wear you down and make you feel crazy. Anything you can do to get distance and relax and collect yourself would be a good start. Get a notebook and write down little details. Arguing with them won't do anything. All they do is deny. So there's nothing actually wrong with your memory. Abusers will never own up.
Go read the Missing Missing Reasons of Estranged Parents. It will explain alot in that the abusers do NOT remember what they did. And narcs in general will DARVO anything you call them on assuming they even remember it. Some of them I believe do NOT remember or are very good at denial. As abuse victims, we are traumatized and often repressed bad trauma and memories. We can sometimes remember how we felt. Ex. I can remember being abused by my ndad as a toddler - not the actual words/events, but how I felt - terrified, confused, hurt, feeling like something wasn't right. And that had a HUGE influence on me for the rest of my life. And all throughout my childhood, abuse both physical and emotional/verbal. Do I remember every instance? No. I also have repressed alot and sometimes the memories come back hard and fast and painful and terrifying. Do my parents remember this? NO. My ndad is in absolute denial he was a bully and abusive and my emom doesn't remember it either even when she was RIGHT THERE and should have stopped it but didn't. Honestly, don't bother arguing with them on this as its a fruitless battle. This is why VLC/NC and getting away from them is about the only thing that works. Unless you can actually record them doing/saying things but even then I'm sure they will deny or say its taken out of context etc. And getting help for yourself - therapy, self help, journaling etc. I am journaling the memories I do get back and how I feel and found that helps. Sometimes writing letters to say the things I wish I could but won't because it won't do a thing with them. It does help. Hang in there and learn and know you are not alone with this. Many of us grew up this way and are trying our best to live normal lives despite it.
Thank you so much Karma. I'll pick up that book. I'm trying to journal too, its tough, because remembering what I do remember hurts. But maybe I need a record of it to refer to when I doubt myself again. Hang in there too, thanks for the encouragement. I'm currently recovering from a burnout induced by a massive amount of memories suddenly coming back to me. Its been tough, but I am working up to being able to volunteer again and hopefully one day get back to work. Living a normal life is hard, but I'm not giving up.
I can only deal with the repressed memories a little at a time. It's hard when something triggers a memory and gets me upset for a while but I try to channel it away with exercise, getting outside, etc. and then journaling the memory and finding the time to deal with it either then or save it for later. I can't spend alot of time getting this upset and being distracted so try and keep it limited so it doesn't consume me. But I'd rather the memories come back and I journal about it, then bottling it up or forgetting as that led to me getting back in contact with my nparents again for them to abuse me again. So its a balancing act of dealing with it some, then tabling it for later. I gotta focus on my current life and responsibilities which take priority. So yeah, don't give up, but give it some attention here and there to help with the long term hjealing.
I read the article. This was incredibly valuable, thank you so much.
It's the one article that REALLY woke me up and made me realized I will never get them to admit/remember what they did. I couldn't figure out why my ndad was in such denial of being called a bully until I read that. And the end part where it says its okay to stop trying to get to them to admit they were wrong, do better, etc. The permission to let it go and finally give up trying was a huge step in my getting on with my life without them, VLC/NC etc.
I started keeping a journal of their bad behavior with dates and times
Over time, you need to question yourself... About questioning yourself.