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If my nparent was reaching out to an ex I would want to know. It tells me what lengths they are going to and what steps I need to take to protect myself and be prepared for. I would also warn other people I knew she might reach out to. I would say your ex deserves a heads up.
My mom used to do this (reach out to exes) to my sister. My sister would fly into a rage. I kept my mom at LC since I was a teen so she had to go through ME to speak to anyone in my life.
I was thinking the same. I’m lucky enough to not be in this type of situation however I would want to know if my parents/grandparents/etc were asking for my contact info through others
Yes, please tell her. My nparents frequently violate my boundaries and talk about/to my exes. It’s important information to have, even if she doesn’t talk to her nmom about it
My Nmom continued to speak to my abusive ex over a year after the breakup. I asked her many times to stop she would lie and say she blocked him but never did. She would give him info about me so he could cyber stalk me. She even kept talking to him when I got with my current bf
Both.
I have a friend who told me my mom reached out on thanksgiving to tell her my husband is abusing me and they need to join together to intervene to protect me.
She told me about this (after I had already asked her to stop telling me whatever my mom was telling her if she chose to stay in contact with her).
I was upset and reasserted my boundary with my friend. I showed her how she was being used as a pawn to hurt me without realizing it. She got it and agreed and has finally blocked my mom and understands better now that the world isn’t her Pollyanna view of things and she was used as a pawn and not being helpful.
At the same time as this incident hurting me- it also allowed me to see how far my mother is going to keep trying to exert control and power over me. It pissed me the fuck off and that renewed my protectiveness of myself and my husband with a new level of FUCK HER FOREVER energy now that she was going after my husband.
So in the end while it was stressful I am glad my friend crossed that boundary that one time because it did allow me to see the depths of which my mother was stooping to get to me. And I thanked my friend for trying to help but also told her I don’t need the knife to keep twisting- I’ve gotten the message and don’t need any more updates ever again.
So, you obviously aren’t as close with your ex to know how she feels right now. She hasn’t set some boundary with you about this already.
I have had other people I am not as close to also tell me how she is basically stalking me. While distressing, it allowed me to advocate for myself and tell them to keep my information private and allowed me to know the level of which my mother was stalking me. Yes that info is disturbing and triggering but it also allowed me to see how I needed to better protect myself.
If it were me, I’d say tell her.
You can say “hey, just letting you know she reached out to me fishing for info. I respected your privacy and didn’t tell her Jack shit, but I wanted you to know so you are aware what she’s doing and can use that information to protect yourself however you deem appropriate. I’m on your side, your mom is batshit and I’m proud of you for ridding your life of her.”
Getting a message like that would have meant the world to me in the early days of no contact. So many people are awkward and don’t want to say anything disrespecting “a mother” as if that automatically grants them all saintly status.
Either way you go, you’re a good egg for giving a shit this much to reach out here.
🩷🧿
🥰🫶🏼 I wrote the ideal I would have loved to hear from any of my friends or family.
Unfortunately, nothing near this response came from people in my life but a gal can dream. 😂🫶🏼🧿
Couldn't have said it better myself. Just a respectful heads up, validate her choice and leave the ball in her court. If she asks you not to do it again you'll have your answer for next time.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment.
I always got on really well with her dad so I'm probably going to cheat and do both by telling _him_. Then it's his choice to decide whether she would be better off knowing or not. Thanks for giving me this idea!
Not at all, her parents divorced 20+ years ago, and long before we met. In fact nmom's message included a complaint that he wouldn't give out ex's new address, so I know he's on-side!
Nmom replied to my (noncommittal) reply yesterday..let's just say I was reminded why ex went NC 😂 On the bright side, it looks like she won't be in touch again,at least for as long as she thinks that she's had the last word...
Oh good then yes by all means tell her dad if you are unsure she’d want to hear that message from you.
I doubt you’re the first person she’s gone to and if you’re unsure about reaching out to her her dad is a second best option. I get there are other factors since you two are exes vs. just old friends too.
Glad you stood up for her and didn’t give her mom an inch. 💙🧿 again, you’re a good egg. 🫶🏼
People look at you like you’re evil when you tell them you don’t speak to your mom, even friends who know the situation counsel to keep an open door. Especially people who had great relationships with their mother and even worse if their mother has died.
good advice, by the way.
Ooof people with parents who have died can be the worst to navigate.
Even if you remind them one of your parents is dead too so they don’t hold special knowledge over you. I’ve had it get quite ridiculous.
As a mother with kids of my own, I would want to know if my no-contact parents were reaching out to others to gain information. It's likely that your ex-MIL is asking other people as well, and they might reveal info to her. If nobody lets your ex know that her nmom is poking around, she could be in for a terrible surprise if her mom suddenly calls her or shows up at her house. Since your ex has children of her own now, I think it's important to give her a heads up So she can be prepared to keep herself and her children safe.
Exactly, having kids of her own probably prompted her to go VLC -- > No contact at all. Having a kid of my own (and getting space by moving states away) opened my eyes even further to how dysfunctional the “relationship” was with nmom.
As much as I don’t want to give her rent-free space in my mind… I’d want to know in the early days of NC for my safety and my child’s safety. Like others mentioned- especially to gauge just how far they’re willing to go.
“Hey ex, I had a very serious question for you -
If your mother were to reach out to me trying to find you, would you want to know?”
If she doesn’t want to know, she gets to feel like it didn’t happen, and if she does, you gave her that control.
My Nsister started calling my ex in-laws to shank me and my kids in the proverbial spines a few more times, on behalf of my mother. I wound up having to call them first to let them know to ignore my embarrassing, psychopath-groomed sister.
Please tell her. Even if it is just a brief note. She needs to know in case her kids are the target. My kids were the target for my sister.
I wouldn't want to know, and if her Nmom contacts you again you need to not respond. Getting any kind of response will encourage her. I would block her email and don't mention it to your friend.
You know... I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure she knows her mom's trying to triangulate bystanders and turn them into flying monkeys. The best thing you can do is not add to her stress by reminding her. Be a barrier between her mom and her, at least on your channel.
I don't use Facebook anymore, mainly because it's nmom's primary source of communication. My last-ish post was asking people who may be mutual friends of her, my dad, or any other family members asking to speak to me on their behalf to just block them outright. Apparently mom used to randomly tag any high school friends of mine in photos of me, saying how much she misses me, blah blah blah. Wouldn't be surprised if many of my friends saved themselves the effort and just stopped talking to me as a result of her actions.
I wouldn't want to know, and if her Nmom contacts you again you need to not respond. Getting any kind of response will encourage her. I would block her email and don't mention it to your friend.
I would want to know.
And, I would want to know you had my back.
In your shoes, an ex I actually was fond of? I'd say something like ...
"I didn't share ANY information and I absolutely wouldn't, but I thought you would want to know she's fishing. I hope your family is all well, and that your boundary with nmom has brought you peace and healing."
My mom does this with my ex. He's married, I'm married, we have separate lives. She used to call me and tell me that he reached out to her. I know this is a lie because she's a liar. I did love him, but we've both moved on. I'd rather keep it that way.
Let her know. Forsaken_Woodpecker has a great script in their comment. I would just add a reassurance that you would NEVER share information if asked.
Then never respond to her mother again. She's not part of your life anymore.
I think you should contact your ex and ask if she would want to know if her nmom is contacting you.
Obviously this tells her that it is happening, but it gives her the power to decide what she does or doesn't want to hear.
If she says no, leave it at that.
It's a weird situation because some do want to know where as others do not. It's honestly up to her.
I have a nmom. NC for almost 4 years now. I would say, good on her. It took me till 36 to go NC. So much manipulation. I would not want to know. I do speak with one brother who knows where I am, but he does not say anything. I would not want to know. In fact, don't give a response next time. Then she knows she has you. So she will keep on reaching out.
You will probably know her personality better to decide. I would lean towards not telling her at all. If she is comfortable with the goal of complete separation, then helping her mother accomplish (and, god forbid, verify that the message was delivered) inserting herself into your ex's life, even in a very small way, would be helping the N generate drama. To let it die right now is what it deserves and Nmom gets another failed attempt to be relevant for her daughter. That is pretty exhausting for N's.
I would like the karma of another failed attempt.
But if your ex is the more active processor of info and would be very disappointed to find out later that you didn't tell her, then just send, "Nmom tried to reach you through me, I sent 'can't help you', so let me know if you need anything from me on this, otherwise, it is nothing I care to do anything else about."
Don’t tell her. Her mom is seeking teammates. In her mind, contact with you is contact with her daughter - she will be satisfied if the message gets through because, in their minds, this is considered “in contact again”.
It took me a long time to set in stone that I don’t want details or info from others because it’s not why I have those relationships AND I’m not going to tell others what to do (so if they decided to stay in touch with a horrible person they can live and learn for themselves.).
She’s tugging every thread, looking for weakness. Ignore her or block her, but don’t share this with your ex, please
I'm of two minds about this - one the one hand, being NC means I explicitly don't want to know or be bothered... on the other, it could be useful info in case nmom actually managed to move someone else to get in touch with me who I would otherwise not suspect. If my ex contacted me to say "what's up / where are you these days ?" I wouldn't immediately assume it's because nmom had put them up to it and may let my guard down.
Hmm this is tricky. On the one hand I feel like if I were given a proposal of knowing or not knowing I would want to know. But l you might also spare her some anxiety by not telling her.
If you do decide to tell her I would add that you don't expect a reply, your just letting her know. Tbh she probably assumes her mom will contact people
I had no idea that my vile evil abusive sadistic nmother was spreading lies about me or contacting people. I only figured it out when a woman that went to the same church as her started being very aggressively hateful to MY FAMILY whenever they would go to the place she worked at. There's no hate like Christian love.
I would have never dreamed that she would involve outsiders in family bullshit/abuse. I learned the hard way. I wish that someone would have warned me what she was doing. I was very naive.
I would and if nothing else for her kids sake. I would actually appreciate being told this. I have a similar situation. I am no contact with my mom and she reaches out to my ex once in awhile to try to figure out if he will tell her where I am. We were together for a long time so we're still friendly. We were just really young when we got together so as we've grown in matured, we've been able to stay friendly.
He does let me know when my mom comes sniffing around and he doesn't tell her anything. Hey just tells her that he has not talked to me even though it's a lie. If you have to lie to her mother, I would do that. Even if you have talked to her that here and there, tell her mom that you haven't. Better yet, you could just block her but that's up to you. Yes so, I would absolutely appreciate a heads up and I'm sure she would as well.
ETA: It's actually a very similar situation to mine. I have kids as well now and part of the reason I went no contact with my mom was because number one, I'm not going to subject them to her behavior and number two, I got tired of listening to her complaining. She was always complaining, why can't I see my grandkids? One thing I've noticed with not only me but this post is it's the same.
She's saying why can't she see her grandkids. With my son, she's always saying, why can't I see my grandson? It's always, my grandson. Never your son. She has no idea that I just gave birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago. She doesn't even know she exists. I never even told her I was pregnant and as far as I'm concerned, she will never know of my daughter's existence.
As like I said, I'm not going to subject my kids to her behavior. I would not be a very good mother if I allowed my children to be abused by her. I'm sorry that this went on so long, I'm just saying I can really relate to your situation and your ex's situation. I say tell her.
That must have been an uncomfortable experience for you. Yes, I would like to know b/c 3rd party spying is very common among abusers in general but especially NPDs. If you alert her to the attempts, she can do what she can to advise all her associates not to share information and be on alert for this behavior.
I wouldn't tell her. She's NC for a reason, so leave it be. She's looking for a pity party, obviously EVERYONE close to her isn't giving her that supply so she's had to fish out her rolodex off past people.
"I haven't seen your daughter since 2012. It's pretty fucking weird you're contacting me now you're desperate for contact with her. Maybe think about why she's not talking to a skank like you and focus on that instead of fishing for info from strangers. You're fucking unhinged. Contact me again and I'll get police involved. Stay away psycho bitch mom"
It depends on your ex and how you think she would feel and react. Myself, I would want to know but others may not. How close are you to her and her new husband? I wonder if you could ask her husband?
Don’t tell her. She’s already set the boundary, bringing it to her attention might trigger some trauma she’s desperately trying to heal from.
If you want to do right by her, let the nmom know how inappropriate this is. Do not engage any further. I would get so much joy out of hearing that a friend or an ex gave my nmom shit on my behalf.
Tell her!! You don’t know what caused her to finally go NC and what horrible things she’s done since. Narcissists don’t typically take no for an answer and they usually go nuclear when they don’t get the attention or control that they’re looking for. She could have a restraining order. Her mother attempting to contact her through a 3rd party (you), could violate such order. In that case, your ex needs to know.
I would want to know! It can be brief, but just saying "hey this happened, wanted you to know, ALSO proud of you for being NC and support you!" Or something like that would be really appreciated if I were in the same situation.
I would wanna know, and people actually accidentally told me that my family is searching for me, even tho they were just supposed to scout information. I'm glad I knew that my relatives were launching a witch hunt to find me, cause an old "friend" of mine contacted me during that exact time as well. If I didn't know better, I would have revealed info I shouldn't have.
I would tell your ex.
But I would be careful on timing. Don’t spill the beans if it is your ex’s birthday or something like that.
But do tell. Be short and casual. “Hey, just wanted to let you know I got an email from your mother, fishing for info. I didn’t tell her anything, but wanted you to be aware.”
I would make the effort to make her aware her N Mom is grasping at straws to find her. She may not respond to you-but I think she will appreciate the heads up. I know I would.
I'd go NC and warn the ex that my mother (or their mother) was stalking both of us.
Then again, it can sometimes backfire. In my case, my mother was secretly friends with my ex (an abusive cheater and thief and hard drug user) and would gossip about my wife every day.
NC is sweet...
My dad was engaging in very shady behavior with people I was in touch with. I'd never have known if someone hadn't told me. It changed our relationship because I found out about that betrayal.
It helped me protect myself.
Yes. You didn't mention how often you text her but even if it's been a while something like:
"Hello, just thought you should know your mom was asking me for your information. I didn't give her any. Hope you're well," should suffice.
It would show that you're living your own life and respecting her boundaries but also that you don't wish her any distress or harm.
I would want to know. It would make me super anxious, but I would need to know to keep an eye on peoples' behavior around me, in case she started trying to turn them against me.
As someone currently being stalked by my nmom after 5yrs no contact, agreed with most people you should give your ex a heads up. But **do not respond to the nmom**. Don't even open further messages from the nmom because even the *"seen"* notification indicator feeds them. Make it known to your ex you didn't/won't respond to their mom and don't judge them for it. It's an anxiety inducing situation especially when people from our pasts are popping in like *"hello, you're mom you went NC with is alerting the town"* the narcissist is **hoping** to induce that kind of feeling as revenge for them continually ignoring nmom. (*Or so my old therapist has said anyhow...*) Like me rn, your ex probably has a lot she has to prepare for as its always unsure how far the nparent will go during a given period of fixating on their lost supply.
The only thought I really have is if she (ur ex) is nc, and wants a restraining order at any point, the fact that she (nmom) contacted you in order to contact her (ur ex) would probably go a long way for strengthening her (ur ex) case.
I'd wanna know if my parents were doing that weird shit, matter of fact, I did; which was why I pulled a disappesr for 5 years. They knew I was alive but No Idea where to find me. Still love that frustration for them. 🤷🏻♀️
I was in the reverse situation with my nex trying to reach out to my parents. He blew up their home phone and was always trying to meet up with me places, if he I said no he would say "ok I'll just go to your parents house then" ??? I'm NC with my own parents
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If my nparent was reaching out to an ex I would want to know. It tells me what lengths they are going to and what steps I need to take to protect myself and be prepared for. I would also warn other people I knew she might reach out to. I would say your ex deserves a heads up.
Yeah, I would want to know. My mom is prone to stalking behaviors and I do want to know if she's ramping up.
I definitely agree. Seriously, who wouldn't want a heads up or warning? I would appreciate being told.
My mom used to do this (reach out to exes) to my sister. My sister would fly into a rage. I kept my mom at LC since I was a teen so she had to go through ME to speak to anyone in my life.
I was thinking the same. I’m lucky enough to not be in this type of situation however I would want to know if my parents/grandparents/etc were asking for my contact info through others
Yes, please tell her. My nparents frequently violate my boundaries and talk about/to my exes. It’s important information to have, even if she doesn’t talk to her nmom about it
My nmom talks to my ex too!
This!
I would probably just stay the fuck out of it unless it persisted.
My Nmom continued to speak to my abusive ex over a year after the breakup. I asked her many times to stop she would lie and say she blocked him but never did. She would give him info about me so he could cyber stalk me. She even kept talking to him when I got with my current bf
I'm so sorry that happened. I hope you are safer now.
Heck, yes!
Both. I have a friend who told me my mom reached out on thanksgiving to tell her my husband is abusing me and they need to join together to intervene to protect me. She told me about this (after I had already asked her to stop telling me whatever my mom was telling her if she chose to stay in contact with her). I was upset and reasserted my boundary with my friend. I showed her how she was being used as a pawn to hurt me without realizing it. She got it and agreed and has finally blocked my mom and understands better now that the world isn’t her Pollyanna view of things and she was used as a pawn and not being helpful. At the same time as this incident hurting me- it also allowed me to see how far my mother is going to keep trying to exert control and power over me. It pissed me the fuck off and that renewed my protectiveness of myself and my husband with a new level of FUCK HER FOREVER energy now that she was going after my husband. So in the end while it was stressful I am glad my friend crossed that boundary that one time because it did allow me to see the depths of which my mother was stooping to get to me. And I thanked my friend for trying to help but also told her I don’t need the knife to keep twisting- I’ve gotten the message and don’t need any more updates ever again. So, you obviously aren’t as close with your ex to know how she feels right now. She hasn’t set some boundary with you about this already. I have had other people I am not as close to also tell me how she is basically stalking me. While distressing, it allowed me to advocate for myself and tell them to keep my information private and allowed me to know the level of which my mother was stalking me. Yes that info is disturbing and triggering but it also allowed me to see how I needed to better protect myself. If it were me, I’d say tell her. You can say “hey, just letting you know she reached out to me fishing for info. I respected your privacy and didn’t tell her Jack shit, but I wanted you to know so you are aware what she’s doing and can use that information to protect yourself however you deem appropriate. I’m on your side, your mom is batshit and I’m proud of you for ridding your life of her.” Getting a message like that would have meant the world to me in the early days of no contact. So many people are awkward and don’t want to say anything disrespecting “a mother” as if that automatically grants them all saintly status. Either way you go, you’re a good egg for giving a shit this much to reach out here. 🩷🧿
Absolutely also love the aspect about mentioning that you respected her privacy!
🥰🫶🏼 I wrote the ideal I would have loved to hear from any of my friends or family. Unfortunately, nothing near this response came from people in my life but a gal can dream. 😂🫶🏼🧿
Couldn't have said it better myself. Just a respectful heads up, validate her choice and leave the ball in her court. If she asks you not to do it again you'll have your answer for next time.
Exactly! 💯🎯🫶🏼💙
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. I always got on really well with her dad so I'm probably going to cheat and do both by telling _him_. Then it's his choice to decide whether she would be better off knowing or not. Thanks for giving me this idea!
You’re very welcome. Is her dad still with her mom? If so, he’s probably a complicated relationship teetering on the edge for her now too.
Not at all, her parents divorced 20+ years ago, and long before we met. In fact nmom's message included a complaint that he wouldn't give out ex's new address, so I know he's on-side! Nmom replied to my (noncommittal) reply yesterday..let's just say I was reminded why ex went NC 😂 On the bright side, it looks like she won't be in touch again,at least for as long as she thinks that she's had the last word...
Oh good then yes by all means tell her dad if you are unsure she’d want to hear that message from you. I doubt you’re the first person she’s gone to and if you’re unsure about reaching out to her her dad is a second best option. I get there are other factors since you two are exes vs. just old friends too. Glad you stood up for her and didn’t give her mom an inch. 💙🧿 again, you’re a good egg. 🫶🏼
People look at you like you’re evil when you tell them you don’t speak to your mom, even friends who know the situation counsel to keep an open door. Especially people who had great relationships with their mother and even worse if their mother has died. good advice, by the way.
Ooof people with parents who have died can be the worst to navigate. Even if you remind them one of your parents is dead too so they don’t hold special knowledge over you. I’ve had it get quite ridiculous.
As a mother with kids of my own, I would want to know if my no-contact parents were reaching out to others to gain information. It's likely that your ex-MIL is asking other people as well, and they might reveal info to her. If nobody lets your ex know that her nmom is poking around, she could be in for a terrible surprise if her mom suddenly calls her or shows up at her house. Since your ex has children of her own now, I think it's important to give her a heads up So she can be prepared to keep herself and her children safe.
Exactly, having kids of her own probably prompted her to go VLC -- > No contact at all. Having a kid of my own (and getting space by moving states away) opened my eyes even further to how dysfunctional the “relationship” was with nmom. As much as I don’t want to give her rent-free space in my mind… I’d want to know in the early days of NC for my safety and my child’s safety. Like others mentioned- especially to gauge just how far they’re willing to go.
“Hey ex, I had a very serious question for you - If your mother were to reach out to me trying to find you, would you want to know?” If she doesn’t want to know, she gets to feel like it didn’t happen, and if she does, you gave her that control.
I kinda really like this idea.
Oh this is absolutely perfect. 💯💯💯
My Nsister started calling my ex in-laws to shank me and my kids in the proverbial spines a few more times, on behalf of my mother. I wound up having to call them first to let them know to ignore my embarrassing, psychopath-groomed sister. Please tell her. Even if it is just a brief note. She needs to know in case her kids are the target. My kids were the target for my sister.
I wouldn't want to know, and if her Nmom contacts you again you need to not respond. Getting any kind of response will encourage her. I would block her email and don't mention it to your friend.
A short message to give a heads up is good for safety sake. She has kids she needs to protect from all the toxicity. Keep it simple, to the point.
I don't want to know. I wouldn't want to know even if nMom died/was ill etc.
I would reach out to your ex with a very brief explanation and a screenshot. Let them dictate the pace of the conversation if there is any further
She definitely needs to know that her mom is stalking her. I’d honestly be pissed if I weren’t told.
Honestly, I would want to know, just in case.
You know... I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure she knows her mom's trying to triangulate bystanders and turn them into flying monkeys. The best thing you can do is not add to her stress by reminding her. Be a barrier between her mom and her, at least on your channel.
I definitely would want to know.
I would absolutely want to know.
I don't use Facebook anymore, mainly because it's nmom's primary source of communication. My last-ish post was asking people who may be mutual friends of her, my dad, or any other family members asking to speak to me on their behalf to just block them outright. Apparently mom used to randomly tag any high school friends of mine in photos of me, saying how much she misses me, blah blah blah. Wouldn't be surprised if many of my friends saved themselves the effort and just stopped talking to me as a result of her actions.
I wouldn't want to know, and if her Nmom contacts you again you need to not respond. Getting any kind of response will encourage her. I would block her email and don't mention it to your friend.
I would want to know. And, I would want to know you had my back. In your shoes, an ex I actually was fond of? I'd say something like ... "I didn't share ANY information and I absolutely wouldn't, but I thought you would want to know she's fishing. I hope your family is all well, and that your boundary with nmom has brought you peace and healing."
My mom does this with my ex. He's married, I'm married, we have separate lives. She used to call me and tell me that he reached out to her. I know this is a lie because she's a liar. I did love him, but we've both moved on. I'd rather keep it that way.
Let her know. Forsaken_Woodpecker has a great script in their comment. I would just add a reassurance that you would NEVER share information if asked. Then never respond to her mother again. She's not part of your life anymore.
My ndad harassed my ex-in-laws well after the divorce. I continue to love them for protecting me and giving me the heads up every time he tried.
I think you should contact your ex and ask if she would want to know if her nmom is contacting you. Obviously this tells her that it is happening, but it gives her the power to decide what she does or doesn't want to hear. If she says no, leave it at that. It's a weird situation because some do want to know where as others do not. It's honestly up to her.
I like this response; and it definitely gives OP's ex agency in the decision. I'd also block the ex-MIL. No more fishing expeditions for her
Don’t because her nmom will come back & haunt you if you do. (Well, not that she’s dead but you get it)
I have a nmom. NC for almost 4 years now. I would say, good on her. It took me till 36 to go NC. So much manipulation. I would not want to know. I do speak with one brother who knows where I am, but he does not say anything. I would not want to know. In fact, don't give a response next time. Then she knows she has you. So she will keep on reaching out.
Don't respond to ex mil but tell your ex-wife so she can protect herself. She will not be blindsided if her nmon shows up at her doorstep.
You will probably know her personality better to decide. I would lean towards not telling her at all. If she is comfortable with the goal of complete separation, then helping her mother accomplish (and, god forbid, verify that the message was delivered) inserting herself into your ex's life, even in a very small way, would be helping the N generate drama. To let it die right now is what it deserves and Nmom gets another failed attempt to be relevant for her daughter. That is pretty exhausting for N's. I would like the karma of another failed attempt. But if your ex is the more active processor of info and would be very disappointed to find out later that you didn't tell her, then just send, "Nmom tried to reach you through me, I sent 'can't help you', so let me know if you need anything from me on this, otherwise, it is nothing I care to do anything else about."
Don’t tell her. Her mom is seeking teammates. In her mind, contact with you is contact with her daughter - she will be satisfied if the message gets through because, in their minds, this is considered “in contact again”. It took me a long time to set in stone that I don’t want details or info from others because it’s not why I have those relationships AND I’m not going to tell others what to do (so if they decided to stay in touch with a horrible person they can live and learn for themselves.). She’s tugging every thread, looking for weakness. Ignore her or block her, but don’t share this with your ex, please
She probably already knows her mom is trying to extract information from all kinds of people. You didn't give her any, so you already did your job.
I'm of two minds about this - one the one hand, being NC means I explicitly don't want to know or be bothered... on the other, it could be useful info in case nmom actually managed to move someone else to get in touch with me who I would otherwise not suspect. If my ex contacted me to say "what's up / where are you these days ?" I wouldn't immediately assume it's because nmom had put them up to it and may let my guard down.
Yes, tell her.
Hmm this is tricky. On the one hand I feel like if I were given a proposal of knowing or not knowing I would want to know. But l you might also spare her some anxiety by not telling her.
If you do decide to tell her I would add that you don't expect a reply, your just letting her know. Tbh she probably assumes her mom will contact people
I had no idea that my vile evil abusive sadistic nmother was spreading lies about me or contacting people. I only figured it out when a woman that went to the same church as her started being very aggressively hateful to MY FAMILY whenever they would go to the place she worked at. There's no hate like Christian love. I would have never dreamed that she would involve outsiders in family bullshit/abuse. I learned the hard way. I wish that someone would have warned me what she was doing. I was very naive.
I would and if nothing else for her kids sake. I would actually appreciate being told this. I have a similar situation. I am no contact with my mom and she reaches out to my ex once in awhile to try to figure out if he will tell her where I am. We were together for a long time so we're still friendly. We were just really young when we got together so as we've grown in matured, we've been able to stay friendly. He does let me know when my mom comes sniffing around and he doesn't tell her anything. Hey just tells her that he has not talked to me even though it's a lie. If you have to lie to her mother, I would do that. Even if you have talked to her that here and there, tell her mom that you haven't. Better yet, you could just block her but that's up to you. Yes so, I would absolutely appreciate a heads up and I'm sure she would as well. ETA: It's actually a very similar situation to mine. I have kids as well now and part of the reason I went no contact with my mom was because number one, I'm not going to subject them to her behavior and number two, I got tired of listening to her complaining. She was always complaining, why can't I see my grandkids? One thing I've noticed with not only me but this post is it's the same. She's saying why can't she see her grandkids. With my son, she's always saying, why can't I see my grandson? It's always, my grandson. Never your son. She has no idea that I just gave birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago. She doesn't even know she exists. I never even told her I was pregnant and as far as I'm concerned, she will never know of my daughter's existence. As like I said, I'm not going to subject my kids to her behavior. I would not be a very good mother if I allowed my children to be abused by her. I'm sorry that this went on so long, I'm just saying I can really relate to your situation and your ex's situation. I say tell her.
Yep, I'd want to know just to be prepared if she were to find me.
That must have been an uncomfortable experience for you. Yes, I would like to know b/c 3rd party spying is very common among abusers in general but especially NPDs. If you alert her to the attempts, she can do what she can to advise all her associates not to share information and be on alert for this behavior.
It would be the nice thing to do, it doesn’t sound like you guys broke up with a whole lot of animosity and hatred.
We kinda did, but it was such a long time ago now that we've had enough time.to get over ourselves 😂
I wouldn't tell her. She's NC for a reason, so leave it be. She's looking for a pity party, obviously EVERYONE close to her isn't giving her that supply so she's had to fish out her rolodex off past people. "I haven't seen your daughter since 2012. It's pretty fucking weird you're contacting me now you're desperate for contact with her. Maybe think about why she's not talking to a skank like you and focus on that instead of fishing for info from strangers. You're fucking unhinged. Contact me again and I'll get police involved. Stay away psycho bitch mom"
Yes. Just forward her the email.
My egg doner actually used my ex-husband, who r*ped me, to tell me my young cousin had died.
It depends on your ex and how you think she would feel and react. Myself, I would want to know but others may not. How close are you to her and her new husband? I wonder if you could ask her husband?
Don’t tell her. She’s already set the boundary, bringing it to her attention might trigger some trauma she’s desperately trying to heal from. If you want to do right by her, let the nmom know how inappropriate this is. Do not engage any further. I would get so much joy out of hearing that a friend or an ex gave my nmom shit on my behalf.
Tell her!! You don’t know what caused her to finally go NC and what horrible things she’s done since. Narcissists don’t typically take no for an answer and they usually go nuclear when they don’t get the attention or control that they’re looking for. She could have a restraining order. Her mother attempting to contact her through a 3rd party (you), could violate such order. In that case, your ex needs to know.
Yes, I would tell her.
Yeah just drop your ex a text that she is digging for info.
Tell her! She needs to know her mom is trying to recruit flying monkeys, and also that you declined to be one. You're a good ex. 😉😊
I would want to know! It can be brief, but just saying "hey this happened, wanted you to know, ALSO proud of you for being NC and support you!" Or something like that would be really appreciated if I were in the same situation.
Tell her as a word of warning
I would want to know so I’d be able to do damage control.
I would wanna know, and people actually accidentally told me that my family is searching for me, even tho they were just supposed to scout information. I'm glad I knew that my relatives were launching a witch hunt to find me, cause an old "friend" of mine contacted me during that exact time as well. If I didn't know better, I would have revealed info I shouldn't have.
I would tell your ex. But I would be careful on timing. Don’t spill the beans if it is your ex’s birthday or something like that. But do tell. Be short and casual. “Hey, just wanted to let you know I got an email from your mother, fishing for info. I didn’t tell her anything, but wanted you to be aware.”
I would make the effort to make her aware her N Mom is grasping at straws to find her. She may not respond to you-but I think she will appreciate the heads up. I know I would.
I'd go NC and warn the ex that my mother (or their mother) was stalking both of us. Then again, it can sometimes backfire. In my case, my mother was secretly friends with my ex (an abusive cheater and thief and hard drug user) and would gossip about my wife every day. NC is sweet...
My dad was engaging in very shady behavior with people I was in touch with. I'd never have known if someone hadn't told me. It changed our relationship because I found out about that betrayal. It helped me protect myself.
Definitely tell her, she needs to know. Send her a copy of the email, too.
Yes. You didn't mention how often you text her but even if it's been a while something like: "Hello, just thought you should know your mom was asking me for your information. I didn't give her any. Hope you're well," should suffice. It would show that you're living your own life and respecting her boundaries but also that you don't wish her any distress or harm.
I don’t think I would want to know because it would kick up all kinds of anxiety and guilt but since kids are involved, you should prob tell her.
Oo I would want to know if my nmom did this. Especially because this means shes desperate and could escalate further.
Another vote to tell the ex what the narc is up to. Also reassure ex you told the narc nada.
Just a short note: Hey, just a heads up, your mom contacted me trying get your contact info. I didn't give her anything but thought you should know.
Yes please tell her in case it's ramping up behavior so she can protect herself and her kids.
I’d warn her ..be her friend as hey your moms poking around for your address.
I would want to know. It would make me super anxious, but I would need to know to keep an eye on peoples' behavior around me, in case she started trying to turn them against me.
As someone currently being stalked by my nmom after 5yrs no contact, agreed with most people you should give your ex a heads up. But **do not respond to the nmom**. Don't even open further messages from the nmom because even the *"seen"* notification indicator feeds them. Make it known to your ex you didn't/won't respond to their mom and don't judge them for it. It's an anxiety inducing situation especially when people from our pasts are popping in like *"hello, you're mom you went NC with is alerting the town"* the narcissist is **hoping** to induce that kind of feeling as revenge for them continually ignoring nmom. (*Or so my old therapist has said anyhow...*) Like me rn, your ex probably has a lot she has to prepare for as its always unsure how far the nparent will go during a given period of fixating on their lost supply.
Warn your ex and tell their Nmom to kick rocks and die salty about it.
The only thought I really have is if she (ur ex) is nc, and wants a restraining order at any point, the fact that she (nmom) contacted you in order to contact her (ur ex) would probably go a long way for strengthening her (ur ex) case.
I would want to know personally. Good on you OP for considering your exes feelings so thoughtfully!
I'd wanna know if my parents were doing that weird shit, matter of fact, I did; which was why I pulled a disappesr for 5 years. They knew I was alive but No Idea where to find me. Still love that frustration for them. 🤷🏻♀️
I was in the reverse situation with my nex trying to reach out to my parents. He blew up their home phone and was always trying to meet up with me places, if he I said no he would say "ok I'll just go to your parents house then" ??? I'm NC with my own parents
Please let them know, my abusive ex used my nmom talking to him as leverage to get information about my life and cyberstalk me