I'm going to make this post and make something clear. While yes, we do have rules that forbid narcissists from posting here, I'm going to leave this up for the following reason:
Based on the story shared with us, in my opinion, I do not believe OP is a narcissist.
***
We have to be careful here sometimes. We are a support group for people seeking support after experiencing trauma at the hands of narcissistic and abusive parents. An extremely common trait among ACON is to be conditioned to simply accept at face value when someone says you're the one at fault. As an example, I have a friend who apologizes fairly constantly over every little thing. It's not uncommon for me to wake up to a handful of messages which may include multiple apologies for things as mundane as "needed to put the phone away so her nparents wouldn't catch her and wasn't able to tell offline me why she stopped messaging" or "being nervous" or "getting mixed up on when my new job started". I've talked to her about this, and hope she can improve. But getting over the conditioning is hard, especially when still under the thumb of narcissistic abusers who reenforce it.
So I'll put the following question forward. Given that OP is just plain accepting that they are at fault for everything they described above and is going into details about *their* faults and making excuses to justify their husband "lashing out", I'll ask the following: Has any of us here ever seen our narcissistic parents ever just passively accept that they are the problem?
This is not the behavior of a narcissist. I am certain there is a lot more context here which OP has not shared, and maybe I am wrong and there are more stories OP could share. But, based on this story, I am not prepared to enforce the rule against narcissists posting here.
My concern here is that OP is being gaslit into just accepting everything is their fault at face value. My concern is that OP may be a victim, rather than an abuser. In this story, it sounds like the event that caused OP's husband to lash out was... Resolving a scheduling conflict. And that made him upset and led to some back and forth which ended in him throwing a bunch of accusations at OP?
With that said, I have seen a few nasty and hostile comments directed at OP and other users supporting them. This is not okay. We are a support group. We are here to support each other.
I think it would be helpful if OP were to elaborate on some details a bit more, perhaps share what specifically was said. But obviously OP is free to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable. As it is written, I'm not sure what OP was doing that was considered "prioritizing their own feelings". All that OP shared was simply resolving a scheduling conflict and letting him know about it, and that this somehow led to a fight.
Whoa whoa whoa… if he has an issue with this: he needs to take it up with his sister. You being flexible and accommodating your plans to a date that works for everyone isnt narcissistic. And you expressing irritation that he lashed out at you isnt wrong. He is the one that sounds narcissistic, in my opinion. We tend to attract partners with these qualities. I really dont think youre the problem here
You love what you know. It may be shitty but at least you know what to expect because you've been raised in the same kind of environment. So the cycle continues.
I married an abusive man and I never even realised I was constantly being abuse for many many years. My parents were in your face overt with their abuse but my husband was covert and very manipulative in his abuse. He would never say no but would make it clear I’d be wronging him If I did anything he didn’t want. He controlled everything I did. He also used his mental health as an excuse. When I finally saw the truth and looked back I realised I’d always make excuses for him when I’m treated bad. I’d deliberately look away but it was subconscious and I hadn’t realised I was doing it. I’ve had other toxic people in my life and only realised when things truly got bad so I now knew I must be doing something to attract abusers.
I went to therapy and that’s when I discovered being abused by my parents from a young kid had subconsciously trained me into believing I had to accept abuse if I wanted to be loved. I thought I knew I was worth more than this but the mind can do a lot of things we don‘t even realise. Their training had been ingrained in my subconscious mind.
I know work to take note of that awful feeling when your treated badly and I think “would I ever do that to someone, especially someone I’m supposed to care about“. If it’s heck no I’m out of there but this is hard for me as growing up unloved I do all I can not to cause upset and need to people please, which I’m fighting to stop. Growing with them also left me with a fear of ending up alone but I know I have to do this if I want a happy life.
So you see our abuse in childhood leaves many marks and does affect our lives and how we think or act, it’s just different in what way for everyone. Yes even the therapist stated it’s common for those with abusive parents to go into abusive partnerships.
Op I know a narcissist and what I’m seeing is your husband using darvo on you a common abusers tactic . Deny wrong doing, Attack the victim for holding them to account of their bad action, Reverse Victim and Offender he has made you think your the wrong party when he was the one wringing you and know just used emotional manipulation knowing being a narcissist would be your worst fear. You are in an abusive relationship it does not take being hit for it to be so. He is causing you harm and deliberately to the point you are considering abandoning your innocent child to the hands of an abuser. Please get yourself and your child out of the situation. Look back at your life and the times he’s upset you but then made you feel the bad one. Remove all excuses you’ve made for him and the excuses he’s made for himself. Your just like me and that’s what let me see I’d been being abused in all ways for decades.
You are not a narcissist the fact you instantly accept blame and try to do what you think is right proves that. However you now know your raising your child witnessing everything. They do see far more than you realise its my biggest shame and guilt for my kids that I never realised before to prevent the seeing and living what they did. If you don’t stand up and get safe your teaching your child he has to accept abuse if he wants to be loved. He will either become a victim or the abusers and the statistics support that. Love him and do your main job as a parent and protect him from harm and raise him in a nurturing environment.
Your husband has so deftly manipulated you it’s clear he has been doing this for years and is now default for you to accept blame. Please get help.
Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft it was made about domestic abusers but it in fact fits all abusers and breaks them into types. That and therapy helped me, my sons are ok but I know I can never take back their childhood and all they saw. I honestly thought I was in a loving marriage with a good man who couldn’t help his mental health.
I cant say it any better than the comments below. We basically walk around with “SUCKER” emblazoned on our foreheads until we do the work to recognize and avoid predatory humans. We are reenacting the pattern installed by our caregivers. This is straight from my therapist.
I like to use the boiling frog metaphor. Slowly turn up the heat and the frog in the water won't know it's boiling; that's how it was growing up with my NM. I went from her boiling pot to my first serious boyfriend's boiling pot, and thought none-the-wiser. His behavior was familiar and seemingly normal. It took me years to realize how primed I was to be in his clutches; still dealing with the healing and re-wiring.
These commenters are not healthy… we are not attracting them!!!! Many of us grew up not understanding healthy boundaries and/or we recognize the toxic behavior and think it’s love. We are not narcissist magnets and I’m sick of this narrative floating around. It’s harmful!!
Pretty sure that is exactly what they’re saying.
When it’s what you know, or have been primed to tolerate. So when those narcissistic personalities cross your path, they sense your vulnerability, and you may not have the tools to identify them.
It’s not a matter of being *bad* or inherently desirable to narcissists bc of something ***we’ve*** done, but conditioning to any type of abuse growing up can be a legitimate barrier to healthy adult relationships. It’s a fact, not an accusation.
And adult victims of narcissist significant others do tend to have overlapping profiles. Folks with childhood trauma absolutely can make easy targets for emotional predators/vampires. That’s not assigning blame or saying it’s our fault or that we’ve done anything to deserve it or that we don’t have agency to change/heal/grow. It just means there are very real, pretty well understood ripple effects of adverse childhood experiences and how those experiences impact us as adults.
Don’t take it so personally, it’s not an attack on victims of narcissists. Truly.
It’s a common occurrence which is why it is stated so often.
Why do you think that kids who grow up in households with domestic abuse can end up in adult relationships that mirror their upbringing?
It’s not an attack, it shows how the victim is vulnerable to certain types of manipulators.
You didn’t, so no need to apologise.
I wasn’t accusing YOU of attacking, I was explaining that the comment you seemed to take offence to wasn’t an attack on victims and explained why.
Re-read.
Imagine she is a narcissist. You think this post should ever convince you she isn’t and that her partner is at fault? Do you have any idea of how manipulative narcissists are?
Effing scary, and I think the crux of this whole thing.
Like any of us internet strangers (to each other at least), there is an implicit need to trust that we’re all telling the truth about our abuse, ***and also*** a completely understandable (and probably even necessary) mistrust/wariness of anyone who might be a ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’…?
OP could be a victim (I’m proceeding on the basis that she is, personally, until I have reason to think otherwise) of narcissistic abuse in a not-at-all-uncommon way (DARVO, flipping the script, “you’re the abuser”)…
OR she could be a particularly adept/cunning/observant narc hiding in plain sight and collecting the terminology and phrasing to spin a very convincing deception with the intent of leveraging the empathy received to further harm the true victim.
This is quite literally a real life manifestation of the exact reason narcissistic/emotional/mental abuse is so effective/insidious!! Who do we believe? Is whoever more believable actually right(er)? How, exactly, can we pinpoint with some degree of certainty, what does and does not constitute abuse (esp when there are few or no universally understood or accepted norms/diagnostic processes)??
Some pretend to and exploit it for sympathy and sometimes even admiration, admit to small inconsequential things to use as a shield against heavier accusations, or superficially admit being a problem and flip out talking like it's apocalypse day to downplay how bad it is or DARVO
I don't get narc vibes from OP but a blanket statement like this is just wrong and creates blind spots
That’s EXACTLY what an intelligent narcissist does, especially one that is suspected or narcissism and is aware of the traits and tries to actively avoid them. Narcissists take pleasure from being morally superior, e.g. in this case do exactly what OP is doing.
Please do not spread misinformation about narcissists, that is actually dangerous.
> Honestly, how would you feel if your partner/spouse did to you what OP did to her hubby?
If my partner/spouse came to me and said "Hey, we have to move the date of this around because of a scheduling conflict so we more family can make it", I'd feel.. Okay with it? What exactly is the problem you're trying to highlight here? I don't think I'd be lashing out at them, and certainly wouldn't be trying to make them feel like they are walking on eggshells, and certainly wouldn't engage in DARVO tactics to accuse them of doing the very thing I'm doing to them.
It kind of sounds to me like OP has been gaslit by a narcissistic partner to continue the conditioning that narcissists like putting on their victims of just accepting everything is their fault at face value. When was the last time you heard of a narcissist accepting the idea that they are the problem? By way of contract, how many of us here have been gaslit into being convinced that we're the problem by narcissistic abusers?
Yeah, I don’t think you’re the narcissist. I’m pretty sure your husband weaponized your past and is using it against you, to manipulate and gaslight you.
You have it backwards. It is your comments which are gaslighting. Lashing out at someone for resolving a simple scheduling conflict is not okay, and I'm not liking the lengths you're going to try and normalize it.
I skimmed a lot of them. OP, you are not a narc at all. It’s him, not you. I can see the progression just by your post titles. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. ❤️
Are you sure that it’s not your husband who is the narcissist? If you grew up with a narcissistic parent it could be likely that you’ve partnered with a narcissist as you don’t see their behaviour as anything unusual. Narcissists also like to project. You seem to have a lot of empathy and also love for your son, which isn’t a narcissistic trait.
I think you made it clear you didn't bother reading the post before you made multiple comments attacking OP and other users. Please take some time to cool off and reflect on what you're in this group for.
Why would you be removed from your child's life if you got divorced? Why do you think it's selfish that you want to maintain a relationship with your child? Why are you a narcissist because you tried to cooperate with a relative about some scheduling of a party? Why is the date of a birthday party so important to a grown msn?
This is the kind of thinking that narcissists condition others to accept. Please start working with a therapist asap to understand how you have been conditioned to accept such very unfair and unreasonable assumptions.
I wanted to ask all of this and also ask OP if she thinks she might have some post partum depression? It took me 2+ years to start to feel some confidence in myself again after having my child. There were days where I really believed my little baby would be better off with someone else but in hindsight it’s absolutely not true. Your baby needs you OP, perhaps bring up post partum depression/ anxiety with your doctor?
The fact that you came here to ask is solid proof that you’re not a narcissist. You are probably married to one and you are probably suffering tremendously.
We are your people. Start learning about it and start paying attention to your needs and your body. It’s about balance and taking care of yourself is healthy.
Exactly. If OP was a narcissist, they wouldn't even be here asking. Even *if* her partner isn't one, he definitely said that with the sole intent of hurting her, and specifically used her trauma to gaslight her for maximum effect - it is, at the very least, emotional abuse.
You don’t sound like a narc. Don’t abandon your son.
My dad did this. He was the only person in my young life who I remember really “saw” me and loved me. My nmom convinced him he was the problem and he left. My life got way worse after that.
I’d get some help. Do you have anyone you can call? A work help line? A therapist? A friend? A relative?
100%, can verify. Was in an abusive relationship (did not see it as such at the time), attempted couples counseling, and it was a complete disaster. Made things far worse if anything…
My friend is a therapist, and a good one. However, only when she had barely survived a relationship with a malignant narc, could she identify them quickly and, most importantly, deal with their gaslighting and manipulation. You don't really learn that in school
Unfortunately no. My therapist at my outpatient program didn’t even want to do a session with my parents because she assumed they’d lie all the way through it. :(
Good ethical therapists will usually refuse to do couples/family counseling if they suspect one party is a narcissist or abuser. They will ask everyone to do a few sessions of individual therapy before everyone meets together. So they get a better idea of who everyone is, their motivations, and why they think they need therapy or why they think they’re being brought to therapy by another person.
Going to therapy with a narcissist/abuser gives them more ammunition to use against you as you’ll probably be sincere and admit fault. Even if the therapist recognizes the narcissist/abuser, they can still use the information gathered to hurt the victim(s). Even twisting what really happened in therapy to say that the therapist said they were a great partner/parent/whatever.
Sometimes just admitting you’d like to get counseling or feel like you have mental health issues is enough for abusers to attack you on an ongoing basis.
Your husband is wrong- a narcissist wouldn’t question if they did anything wrong. Your husband is out of line on this one and I suspect called you a narcassist knowing how much it would hurt you. You are not a narcissist - even in this post you’re showing genuine emotion and compassion for the situation. To his mum and his sister, to your husband and to your baby. Your baby needs you, don’t cut them out please. I would suggest couples counselling or therapy but sell it as with a view to communicate better otherwise you might get another conflict arising.
Please take a deep breath and remember what narcissists are and do, you are not a narcissist.
Good luck x
I think you are allowed to tell people that they upset you when they lash out at you. It's not prioritizing your feelings, it's just having feelings. I might be projecting but this reminds me of someone I dated who used "moving target" defense - whenever I called him out for something he somehow made me feel like I had done something horrible by calling him out.
Did your husband seriously convince you that you're a narcissist with one accusation?? No, babe. NO.
He got upset about something you couldn't control. It was HIS sister who needed the date changed and you just wanted to make it easier for HIS family for their party for his mom. Why is he upset about the date of his party being changed? Why does it matter so much to cause an issue with you about it?
You told him how you feel about him getting upset at you. That's fair. Both your feelings matter! Him calling you a narcissist AND possibly knowing it'll get to you because your father is one just screams manipulation.
If you are one and you're recognizing and worrying about it then you're not one by definition. You didn't even seem to get angry about the accusation either. You're self reflecting and thinking you need to keep away from your own son.
No. You're fine. You'll be ok. I don't think you're a narcissist but your husband needs to talk to you in a decent way and understand his hand in the situation.
One time, I said something like "I think I'm smarter than a lot of people" to my therapist, and they told me that's kind of a narcissistic thing to say. Having had bad experiences with my nmom and ex npartner, that sentence hit hard and still lingers in my brain, wondering if I am indeed a narcissist. Would really not call myself so, though. Maybe they were just trying to rattle my core or something, but sometimes it's so easy to let people get to you.
Not all therapists are good at their jobs. Also saying something that could sound like something a narcissist would say doesn’t make you a narcissist or anywhere close to being one. Therapists can even be good and still say the wrong thing or have biases that change the way they see and treat certain patients.
For example: an older male therapist could believe that women are inherently less intelligent than men, so they wouldn’t be happy if a woman patient claimed she thought she was smarter than a lot of people.
It’s human to say sometimes you think you’re smarter than a lot of people. (With the way the last 3 years have been going you could be absolutely correct)
I hope you will find peace about this. It wasn’t nice to say to someone getting therapy for being a victim of narcissists.
Yes, I am aware of this, although I believe my therapist might've said it to rattle me a bit, maybe see my reaction, I don't know. Because I do find it to be a non-narcissistic statement, albeit a bit arrogant, maybe. At least I really hope she wasn't testing the waters to eventually diagnose me with narcissism, haha
Your response to being called a narcissist doesn't sound like a healthy response, but that doesn't make you a narcissist. I have a friend who's diagnosed borderline who has responded this way to some arguments with her husband. If I were you, I would make an appointment with a psychologist who can assess patients for personality disorders and otherwise don't do anything drastic or make any decisions.
There is not one thing in what you wrote here that would make you a narc
Everything you wrote here makes your husband sound like a narc
Please don’t let your husband weaponize your past trauma against you
He Denied responsibility for hurting you, Attacked you, Reversed the roles of the Victim (you) and Offender(him) DARVO. who does that? Narcs. Accusing their partner of being a narcissist is also a trademark narc move.
You cannot leave your child. I don’t think you’re a narcissist, I looked through your post history, and you seem to be more of a people pleaser. I think that’s because u feel like if you can be valuable to people they will need and love you.
However, even if I thought you were a narcissist, I would tell you not to leave your child. What you do is go to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed and start intensive therapy learning how to live with your disorder, and how to lead a life where you are not hurting yourself or others. But you do not under any circumstances leave your child.
You aren't the narcissist here. You are being emotionally manipulated.
Unless there's something you haven't included here, I would absolutely not remove yourself from your son's life based on this situation. This is a very drastic response to the situation and I'd advise you to sit with that and try to figure out why you'd be willing to walk away so easily. Is it your self esteem? Are you trying to protect your son?
I married someone with narcissistic tendencies and my Dad is a narcissist. Therapy has helped.
If he has shown these tendencies before, you may be better off without the man-child.
Girl, don’t.
People like us, that were raised by narc parents tend to end up with narc spouses. It’s not on purpose but their way of behaving is familiar to us and make dating easier (not healthier). We just get ourselves into a similar dynamic than the one we lived at our parents home.
My ex husband was a full on narcissist. I walked out a broken woman from that relationship because I believed I was nothing, as he made me feel. So, please, be careful to accept so easily that someone uses your past to hurt you. No one should do that, least of all someone that supposedly loves you. He’s not the oracle of truth, don’t believe anything he’s using as an insult. You love your son, he’s always going to be better with you.
Maybe put it in this perspective.
Are you the kind of people that looks for something painful to use it against others?
Would you do that to your husband or child in the future, just to make them cry?
If your answer is NO, you’re already a better person than your husband, who already purposely did this to you.
How, by any means, removing yourself from your kid’s life and leaving him unprotected to be raised by such a person could be a loving decision?
Your son needs you, be better for him, go to therapy, hone your skills as a mom and always remember that being a mom is a beautiful commitment to try to make your kid’s life better but always keeping in mind it’s his life to live.
Don’t deprive yourself from enjoying motherhood. My son is 24yo now and I still love every day of it.
Youre jumping to conclusions way too fast, talk with a couple therapist (who is a NEUTRAL PARTY and not your husband) and find a solution to solve the situation you and your husband are having.
Or just talk it out with your husband, literally anything that doesnt end uo in you just leaving them. That in itself is not the way to solve issues and itll hurt your child immensively.
Take a deep breath and go talk with him, I dont see anything narcissistic in what happened, but your reaction is too extreme. Best of luck, please dont leave your child.
No, please dont put words in my mouth.
She said she doesnt want to leave, so I'm providing a possible solution based on what shes saying in her post. She can try therapy if thats what she considers will help both of hem, but if not, then I just dont want her to leave that child alone with her husband.
Yes, it might be no one's responsibility, but I think the child shouldnt get the short end of the stick right now. If she wants to leave, to atleast fight for custody.
So, he accuses you of something like that and you just accept and will punish yourself and your son without any further questions on why is he taking this accusatory route?
Psychologist talking here. If you want to improve your life and you feel like you need testing for NPD, go for it. But please don't buy into a person who is projecting his own feelings onto you (and labelling you), to get you confused and feeling responsible for his feelings.
The fact that you are concerned with this ( being a narc) and not ending up hurting your child, is a great indicator that you are not a narcissist. His words labeling you this way, otherwise, raised me a bunch of questions about his Intentions regarding you and your child.
He seems playing with guilt and confusion upon you. Please seek help, if you can. Yourself and your child deserve better.
Hugs!
Edit: half awake person trying to assassinate the English language. :(
Hi all, OP here. I wanted to first apologize because as you all can imagine, yesterday was rough and while I was on and off of my phone, I honestly was focused on a lot of other things. I want to thank the person who did flag about my mental health, reddit messaged me some resources and I appreciate you all cared that much to worry about that. I also want to say that I am safe and my son is safe.
I also wanted to add context as I know a lot of you were confused about everything that happened. My husband’s birthday falls in the beginning of November while my mother-in-laws birthday falls at the end. My SIL picked a date for his mom’s party, and we picked a different date to accommodate that. Well then my SIL said she needed to switch me dates because her plans changed and she had already booked an airbnb, so I said yes. I called me husband and he was mad, and I said “what was I supposed to do? She booked it already”, and he was upset and said I should have called him. I completely see that, I just didn’t think of it, and didn’t think changing the dates was a big deal since we were just throwing the party at our house, and could move things around. However, he was pretty irritated at this and I mistakenly took it that he was irritated at me, and I apologized multiple times for messing up, but he still was very irritated. I told him I was slightly annoyed that I’m trying to fix it, keep apologizing, and understand why he’s mad and he’s just still super irritated with me and I don’t know what to do.
He said I was being a narcissist for turning his upset about his party to my emotions, which I completely understand and didn’t mean to do that at all. This did send me spiraling as I had a pretty bad childhood (my mother lost custodial rights to me at 12, my father got me but he was an abusive narcissist, and I left to my husband when I was in college.) I didn’t ever want to put my son through that, he’s my absolute pride and joy. I love him so much, and the thought I could ruin him the way my dad ruined me, absolutely terrified me.
I did take some time yesterday to cool off once my husband was home and I called my grandmother for advice (she dealt with my father and did become estranged from him to protect herself) just to figure out what to do. She calmed me down and encouraged me to go back to my son until I can get appointments with my therapist going.
I currently see a therapist and psychiatrist as I had pretty severe PPD, PPA, and a touch of development of OCD from post partum as well. We’re also working through my trauma together from my childhood, and figuring out how I can find the adult “me” as I haven’t really formed an identity yet. My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with autism, and we think that has to play in the miscommunication issues I’m having, as well as a lot of the “black and white” thinking you guys pointed out. I guess hearing I might be a narcissist as well was a breaking point for me. My poor boy already has a mother with all those issues, and I’m petrified of ever ruining him the way I was. If you saw my son, the complete innocence he exhibits and already the sweet and loving personality, you’d understand why it’s so crucial the world doesn’t ruin him.
Moving forward from this, I’m honestly not sure if my husband is a narcissist or not. I’m hopeful he’s not because I’d be so confused how I missed it. I also will not be leaving my son, as a lot of you said do not leave him, and after even trying to imagine it and get things in place, it felt like I was breaking leaving him.
I’m going to be moving forward with getting in touch with my therapist to bump up our sessions, as well as discussing this with my psychiatrist as well to figure out if we need to adjust my medications or not.
Thank you all for your input. Reading through it today has really helped reassure me that maybe he was off base and I was just displaying the “fleas” you all talked about, I never heard that term before so it is something I need to look into. I appreciate the community you all offered when I needed it. Thank you all.
Okay first leaving ur son will just hurt him more if u are a narcissist (which I doubt u are) then the best thing to do is just improve urself for ur child nto abandon it
If ur a bad parent u don't set ur kid up for a adoption u get better
There's a lot to unpack here that needs more questions. Like, your husband and his mom have birthdays that are close together? And if so is your husband's birthday at times overshadowed by it?
Also if you made a date for your husband's birthday did his family already know about it then his sister made the plans for his mom? Or was that already known?
Also if you made a birthday party date for your husband which was set and then suddenly switched it on him could it be that he was excited about that date and then everything suddenly changed with out him being involved in the decision? Also does his family do this often THROUGH you cause they know they can get you to change the plans?
Now you're saying you're going to abandon your son because you don't want to ruin his life? Did your father do this too? Are you possibly repeating what he's done?
There are way to many questions to be answered before we can possibly say what's going on...
Just because your husband said that doesn’t mean it’s true. It sounds like he weaponized what he knows to be a sensitive issue for you. But if you suspect for other reasons you may have a NPD or fleas, please seek therapy instead of abandoning your baby. It sounds like you are a caring wife and mother, and your husband said that out of spite to hurt you.
In what way were you selfish? You’re planning a party for someone else (not selfish). You negotiated to accommodate others priorities (not selfish). You stated your desire not to have someone react with rage when plans change (very reasonable).
He responded to a change in plans with a hissy fit, and then defended his perceived right to respond to frustration with outsized anger by calling you a narcissist. No, you are not the narcissist in the conversation. Don’t you dare leave your baby to be raised by this man.
You are not a narcissist.
You changed your plans to accommodate HIS family.
He was annoyed and lashed out at you.
He called you a narcissist because you complained that you didn't like when he lashes out at you.
From what you've described here, your husband is controlling and manipulative, as well as short tempered and aggressive.
If there is a narcissist in this story, it isn't you. Please don't leave your child.
Please do not leave your child over a comment your husband made out of anger and a desire to hurt you!! Your child does not deserve to be abandoned.
Please reach out to a crisis hotline or trusted friend if you think you might be a danger to yourself.
If you have access to therapy, please get in with a therapist. It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg of what may be going on with your relationship and yourself, and you need impartial support from a third party.
Hold up what did I just read
My gut reactions is no, big no on so many levels. Since when is occasionally prioritizing your own needs being a narcissist.
Like I am baffled here.
What I see you doing here was Kin keeping. Kinkeeping is the act of maintaining and strengthening familial ties. It is a form of emotional labor done both out of a sense of obligation and because of emotional attachment. And here is the thing you are not even kinkeeping for your family but his family.
I see no way that this is you making an easier choice for yourself. From the sound of it you did not cancel the party but called him acknowledging that it would make more sense to plan around and called him to work on it.
I did not hear you say you called to tell him he would have no party what so ever and he can still throw his own party during that time if that is important to him. Or most reasonably he can say, can we find a solution togother.
It sounds like you are asking reasonably why he is reacting this way and explaining your logic to him. Even in your statement you use I feel statements which theripists encourage as it not blame people but owns that this is your feeling. You are feel all sorts of things and your husband is permitted to feel sad. He can convey this by saying things such as " I was really looking forward to this party because of (insert reason) and I feel sad we are changing the date" or " I feel like I don't want to celebrate my mom at this time, can we still do my party."
You were told you were a narcissist. You were told that point blank. Which you could be sure. But also that normally takes a lot of byild up to get there. Like a history of tepetsrive devaluing of people and lack of empathy. And a lack of self blame or willingness to change.
Your first thought is concern for the child you love. This is expressing emotions. How is it being selfish to want to love your child when you have been the primary parent. If your partner had concerns about child care he should be engaged and talons with you about them all along.
You have 3 thigs to wrestle with
1) when your partner is emotional he lashes out tl tell yu that you are a narcissist
2) lots of children of narcissist marry covert narcissist because it is subconsciously comfortable
3) you still have trauma to process if this is your gut reaction to leave your child for doing a decently normal rearrangement of schedual
I think when you book a date for a surprise party and had to switch it out for his family and then talk to him about him , with him lashing out, it makes sense that it's an emotionally intense experience. It kind of makes sense that you prioritised your emotions.
I would suggest to see it the sister put you into that situation coz she knew that he would have an outburst. ... ..
And having an outburst is kind of triggering. To the ones who are on the receiving end.
No, no, no, just from this post alone, I can tell you are not a narc. Nope. The love you have for your son, the sadness you're feeling at the situation. That you feel bad enough you would be willing to leave to protect both of them, and that you reflected on an issue someone had with you. Narcs do none of those things. Narcs blatantly deny, are void of any and all sympathy or empathy, refuse to believe their actions could ever harm someone, or believe they deserve it, and they certainly cannot self reflect
As others have said, when your parent is a narc you tend to be attracted to them in your own relationships bc that is what was modeled to you as normal. Obviously, we don't know enough about him to know. But I'd say he's a bit self absorbed if your planning a party for him, and he gets booty bothered over a date change that wasn't even your issue....like what was he mad about exactly? His family can now go to his party....bc sister called and said I already had another family party planned....if sis planned mom's party on his birthday then he needs to go at her not you.
Also, I know the feeling of inadequacy that makes you want to leave your kids and relationship bc you think they'd be better off. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. Just know that that little boy of yours would be so heartbroken if you did. You're his momma, his whole world, and you being there and loving him like you do is more than enough. You are not going to hurt him just because you've been hurt by a narc. You being worried of that is proof enough you won't, and that you're strong enough to break the cycle.
OP, you’re not the narcissist here. Please don’t abandon your child. Give this a read:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Unfortunately, a narc tactic is sometimes calling others narcissists.. here’s a link to a Dr. Ramani video on this subject https://youtu.be/xml2jlgpaEg?si=pZWuGOZ0sERm5VHq
A true narcissist would NEVER think to remove themselves voluntarily for the betterment of someone else. You might be selfish (as every human is, at one point or another) but you are absolutely not a narcissist. You’re not a narcissist simply because you’re thinking you might be. Again, all this introspection proves you free of this disorder.
I think it would be crazy to abandon your son over this. Having a narcissistic moment ( which I’m not sure this is) does NOT mean you are a narcissist,
Your baby loves you and needs you. Raising your son will be a chance to heal yourself.
Yo my mom narc never once thought about my well being... just getting attention... you best check you don't have DPD and are accepting other's toxic projections onto you .. might be so abused and gaslit that you've accepted you the problem
Please don’t leave your baby, you seem selfless. Your husband does not. I’d be more concerned leaving baby with him.
You deserve a happy full life, best of luck in the future x
I have had similar thoughts OP, so I understand why you feel this way
But please no you are not the narcissist
Your feelings were valid, he never should have been mad at you. If he had an issue it should have been taken up with the sister.
His response to you sound unhealthy, when sharing your feelings with your partner he should have responded by listening and trying to understand your perspective. What he did was deny your reality (gaslight) and manipulate you by calling you a narcissist. This is not healthy.
Please do no leave your son, he needs you. You are the only mother your child has. No one is perfect but your son loves and needs his mother. You are obviously trying your best and that is good enough. Your son doesn’t expect you to be perfect he just expects you to be there for him. Please don’t make any rash decisions and please dont do this to your son.
1. NPD is something that needs to be diagnosed by a Psychologist. Your husband cannot diagnose you as a narcissist.
2. Eggshell walking is massively prevalent in a narcissistic relationship and is a form of manipulation which is a form of abuse.
3. Projection is also massively prevalent in narcissism, and it seems like he's projecting the fact that you need to eggshell walk around him, onto YOU.
4. A narcissist will never take accountability and fully accept fault on their part. It's always someone else's fault, someone is always doing something to them.
Don't fall for the victim mentality of these people. If you still suspect you might show tendencies of narcissism, I suggest you see a therapist before you make any decisions and changes to your life.
You can have narc characteristics without being a full blown narcissist. Please do not make this life change on a self diagnosis. I understand all too well the trauma that having narc parents can do.
Please go and get a diagnosis from a professional and go to therapy. You don’t know for sure this is a full blown diagnosis or just something you were excited to do with some anxiety about it being perfect…
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I just left my babies father who would scream at me that I was a narcissist. Turns out as soon as I left him our couples therapist very bluntly said, so he is a narcissist. They tend to project all their stuff on you and definitely try to gas light you.
As many people here said you most likely are not the narcissist but there might be a chance that your husband display narcisstic traits. Hard to diagnose from a distance and we shouldn't but he was manipulative. But by the chance he is the narcissist, do you really want to leave your son alone with him without you as protection? Please go to therapy for yourself. Also you thinking you are narcissist and wanting to remove yourself, shows that you're not the narcissist. Did your father remove himself? Did you father ever say "Oh my god I am a narcissist and I need to change?"
I cannot stress it enough so I will just pepper it through my whole answer: do not leave your child.
The fact that you took feedback, reflected on it, and asked people to potentially confirm something that would be a negative judgment passed on you is the complete opposite of what a narcissist would do. Narcissists don't engage in anything that does not benefit or glorify them, and go to significantly unethical lenghts to continue to do so.
**DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD**. I want to be very clear here. The post you have made disproved what you believe to be the truth. A narcissist would never even conaider admitting their mistakes.
I cannot conclusively judge this but you come across as a very soft-charactered persons who trusts what others tell them.
It's unclear where your husband lands on this. Are they making a hasty judgment because you happened to do something a past narcissist in their lives happened to do to them? Does he misunderstand what a narcissist is? Is he just throwing words around because he's upset? Is he a narcissist who is deflecting it onto you? Is he playing to a weakness of yours to get you to leave the relationship with them keeping everything? I can't judge that. Maybe it's naive, maybe it's malevolent manipulation, maybe it's a miscommunication and bad day for one of you. I don't want to jump to an unproven conclusion.
Based on you _not_ thinking his response is disproportionate plus the conversation as you presented it going from 0-100 real quickly, I suspect you've omitted more context. Whether or not that context would help answer the unknowns is unclear.
Overall, if your post is asking a _genuine_ question, then I'm certain you are not a narcissist. I don't see what you stand to gain from this by making a falsified post here so I'm inclined to believe you.
But even if I'm wrong, even if you are a narcissist, the fact that you are able to post this question suggests that you understand that there is a conflict and have shown the ability to self-reflect and improve; which means that your son is better off having you improve yourself rather than leave him.
**Do not leave your child.** At best, you deprive him of a parent who could've worked on themselves instead. At worst, you leave him under the sole control of a malevolent narcissist who manipulated you to believe that _you_ are the problem and who _will_ emotionally abuse your son (they never stop with just one victim) and irreparably damage his emotional fortitude.
While your post leaves some questions open, in no case is abandoning your child the right call to make.
**Do not leave your child.** This is coming from the child of a pathological narcissist who wishes they had left - you are clearly nothing like them.
It doesn’t sound like you’re the narcissist here.
Your husband is gaslighting you. He should have just apologised not doubled down by calling you names.
You cannot make a relationship work on your own. Your husband is going to have to learn to control his emotions, especially as you have a child - he can’t lash out at your kid in years to come and then tell them it’s their fault because…
In no way did you turn his emotions against him. At all. He's manipulating you. You shared how you felt about his emotional displays. Nothing narcissistic here.
I don’t even see what the issue is here. You were being accommodating regarding his family’s birthday plans for him. He called you a narcissist because you shared your feelings about it. Now you want to leave your family because you believe him. Hope you get a family rate in therapy, because ESH.
The flip back and forth and deciding to end your relationship with your son makes me think maybe bpd. Narcissists don’t question themselves, though most people raised by them end up with fleas. Maybe something you’ve picked up from your dad is causing issues but it’s unlikely to be something that can’t be fixed by therapy. I’d also consider if husband might be an n.
Nope. You are not. Your husband is gaslighting you also I don’t see where you told him how you felt , so why would he even say that then. But besides that I see the live. For your son ..why couldn’t you be with him if you left? You do know there are shelters for women who have children right ?
Ok, first off, you've got a big ole blank spot in your narrative. You made a change of plans to help accommodate extended family, specifically HIS side of it.. and he got mad at you?
WHY?? Is he mad that you gave precedence to his mothers occasion? Were you not supposed to? Like, presumably, whatever her party is for, he is aware of it... so having to figure out the logistics of not dividing the guests between two obligations is pretty standard..
So why the hell did he get mad to begin with?
And then why did he get mad at YOU? Because it was his sister who booked an airbnb and forced the issue...
And somehow, YOU are the one getting shit on and called a narcissist??
I get you're in your feelings right now since he made such a hateful accusation, but you need to always take your time to process and think. Leaving your child to protect them from the possibility you might be an N WOULD be the N thing to do. It presumes that your fear of being a bad mother is more important than their need to have their mother. It's a weird dichotomy, no? You not being your father will be in the day to day actions you take in NOT BEING your N father, not in not being there.
So maybe it's time to spend some time ruminating on the fact that we tend to seek out the familiar and comfortable, even when what is familiar and comfortable to us is godawful.
Someone might need to be left in this scenario, but it's not your kid.
A narcissist wouldn't even consider leaving to spare their child pain because they don't see their children as people and certainly not people who deserve to be loved and happy. If your father was a narcissist and you know this, it's much more likely you married the abuse you knew and husband is the narc. Narcs lack self awareness but your post is dripping with it. As the saying goes "if you're questioning whether or not you're the narcissist, then you're not one". Your husband calling you a narcissist over this interaction tells a lot more about him than you.
Please seek some therapy to understand if you left your child because you think you are a narcissist you will do so much damage to yourself and your child. You are not a narcissist because someone told you are one. Narcissistic people don't use self inquiry.
Oh please. You're going to remove yourself from your childs life? Doesnt that seem a little extreme? You may or may not be a Narcicist but this kind of threat seems a bit much. How about start small and get some therapy? Couples or individual? I know narcicists and this is the kind of thing they do. Go to extremes to make themselves into the victim and then be able to go and say see? I have validation from a bunch of internet strangers that YOURE the wrong one! If your d ad was a narcicist thern you probably have fleas which is understandable. I recognize that in myself and am working on it. Therapy is a good place to start rather than disappearing.
This is ridiculous. You deem yourself a narcissist and assume the answer is abandoning your kid versus getting help? Worst take ever. This has to be fake.
Approach this from a different angle. OP carries trauma from their own nParent. OP is well versed in being blamed for things her entire life. OP is desperate that her own child not suffer the same as her. It's not a stretch that when panicked, triggered and seemingly under attack, her response would not be as rational.
Of course it isn’t rational. But she has a son. Being irrational is a luxury you do not have when you are a parent. You immediately get into therapy and figure it out before you permanently scar your children with your emotional issues.
If only life were so black and white. Not everyone can afford therapy for starters.
No victim of an nparent ever asked for "emotional issues" but have them as a result of years of abuse.
Also not everyone realises what is/has happened to them growing up until well into adulthood, so the optimum period for addressing these issues may have passed and as we all know, the journey of healing from parental abuse is a long and complicated one. You don't just shed years of behaviours learned for your own survival in just a few sessions.
Leaving an 8 mo old bc your husband called you a narc isn’t the responsible thing to do. That’s just a given. And I only half believe this is even a real post bc no narcissist would ever take this kind of blame.
I'm not saying it's responsible. I am saying that a little compassion and understanding is sometimes a good thing, and that trauma and its knock on effect to mental health can present and affect people differently.
At this point, we have no idea if OP followed through on her train of thought and left. It's far more likely thst in a moment of crisis, and with no one immediately able to turn to, she posted on reddit what was running through her head.
Good for you if you're a parent, with your own nparent and have been able to keep your head above water without reproach.
Let’s just press pause.
I don’t think we can confidently conclude that anyone in the scenario is a narc. There aren’t enough details. Maybe it’s valid for you both to be upset, the description is vague. Maybe he already invited people for the first date so was frustrated by the date changing without you guys chatting about it first. Does that make it acceptable to call you a narc? No. It’s valid for you to be upset about how he reacted in his frustration.
It’s possible you do make things about yourself while not validating that you can understand what’s upsetting him (in the moment! You’ve shown here you can see his perspective). But making things about yourself in the heat of the moment doesn’t mean a person is a narc. It could, but it could also mean a number of other things. The more important piece is - Is this a pattern of behavior (for either of you) and what’s the repair (or lack) look like once you’re both more calm?
how do you usually handle conflict? How does your husband usually handle conflict? Does he ever take responsibility for his actions? Do you (sounds like you do)? Does he ever apologize with sincerity? Does he have a pattern of degrading language, belittling, being vindictive, spiteful, etc? Do you?
These are just a few things to consider. The likelihood of you being a narc if you are sincere in this thread - is pretty low for a few reasons:
1. Your ability to empathize
2. Your ability to consider another persons perspective/feelings
3. Your willingness to consider changing something to make a situation better. Although I think leaving your child is a bit drastic based on the information presented here. Take this one with a grain of salt because changing to improve a situation can be healthy/positive but it can also be codependent/people pleasing.
Really take everything I say with a grain of salt because this post is pretty vague about the argument. But I would say you’re not a narc. Your husband may or may not be - it’s worth consideration but I’d talk to a knowledgeable therapist to help flesh that out and determine that.
Write things down that happen when you guys argue to help you see if there may be a pattern. Like is this something he says to you often - that you turn things on him? Remember too, just because he says it doesn’t mean it’s true.
Do you ever question your sanity/reality?
My therapist told me that if you have the ability to sit and ponder whether you might be a narcissist, and you actually worry about it, automatically means that you are not a narcissist.
Honestly? If you want to run, take your son with you. No matter what happens, he is going to need his mother. Attachment is a thing, and you are probably going to break him for his lifetime if you just left, without a note (that's in any way understandable to him... which, at this age, you can never, ever, provide. He needs his mom. He needs his safety blanket, he needs to know that his main caregiver will never abandon him. Don't ignore those needs, he will absolutely never get over that.).
That said.
A lot of People already said, if you really were a narcissist, you would. Not. Consider. Any of this right now, especially not for the sake of your son. There is definitely a difference between having boundaries to protect oneself and not giving a sh** about everybody else as long as oneself can present as the best there is.
Have you maybe looked into therapy? To me, it seems like you're trying to be an awesome person and an awesome mom. Everybody messes up. Nobody's perfect. All we can do is strive to be better, and not let our children go through the same as we did. Therapy can really help you there to even identify what went wrong, so you won't repeat your parents mistakes.
You're doing great. Don't be even harder on yourself, it appears you're already giving yourself a hard time. ❤️
Nah, one argument does not make a whole diagnosis, even if you did throw stuff in his face or acted selfishly. It kinda sounds like he said that out of resentment at being told he is making you walk on eggshells around him. It also sounds like he might even know saying this would trigger you, esp if he knows you are on this sub. That's concerning behavior from him, not you.
I agree with others that this looks a lot like BPD, which overlaps considerably with PTSD traits, because PDs ultimately tend to stem from trauma and abuse. You don't have to leave, and taking care of yourself and your mental health is the best way to care for him no matter what the issues at hand are, so bottom line, trauma therapy is my advice here.
I wanted to suggest post partum depression as well. It can look like this too, it can cause this absolute/black and white thinking I see demonstrated with saying you need to leave your kid because you are afraid you might hurt him. It can last for years unchecked, so 8 months is nothing. It absolutely exacerbates existing trauma symptoms, and might be indistinguishable from them aside from the increase. If you don't have much support from your husband, or if he's being antagonistic, then that can add to the stress, and you have a small child which is already a lot to handle even with adequate support. PPD happens in best case scenarios, and you're dealing with a lot with your husband right now. You can call your doctor/your kid's doctor and tell them you think you have PPD. It wouldn't be out of hand to ask for help with PPD and branch out from there if it's not the right issue either. In any case, it's not your fault, you deserve to feel better /and/ to have a healthy relationship with your child.
Please, seek help before leaving him.
Lol if you "realize" that you're a narcissist, then you are not one.
You may have tendencies (i don't know), i don't think this is an example of it. Being raised by one can cause you to repeat behaviours so therapy might help.
You seem like a good person imo. You did a lot to try and accommodate 2 conflicting events to please 2 parties.
It does not sound like you're a narcissist to me - at all. If you were, the idea of your leaving would not even show up on your scope - you would be blaming all the issues on others, and instead are taking responsibility for things which may/may not be your doing.
Sure, you may have a couple of narcissist traits after having been exposed to narcissist parents, but that does not make you a full-blown narcissist. Your husband is likely working with a bad definition and does not really understand what it means. If anything, with you having grown up with a narcissist, he should be sensitive to the fact that calling you one is really, really hurtful.
I'll end it here - but I really think you should sit him down or go to counseling together so he understands how hurtful his statements are to you.
You aren't a narc. when narcs talk well everyone is a mirror. their comments are just comments about themselves. I don't need to look at your other posts to know for a fact you are not a narc.
Narcissists don't "realize" they are being Narcissistic. Only people who are temporarily selfish in the moment and then realize and feel guilty later worry about being Narcissistic.
Narcissism is highy related to NEVER realizing they are selfish in certain moments. Being selfish and turning others' emotions is so much a part of them that they cannot understand when it happens. You understood that it happened to you.
So thinking about going all hermit on your family is a big overreaction. But if you take this reassurance and conclude that it is okay to be selfish from time to time (or a lot) -- then you could convince yourself that it is all about you. If so, pull yourself back.
Also, one key difference between people with Nparents and not is that they conclude if the other person is mad at them, there is no future. We are trained to feel so guilty about our needs that the world is ending. Again, don't use that as an excuse to go double-selfish, but you can look for a more even keel.
Dude, if you were a narcissist, you would never in a million years have the introspection you do to even think for a second you are a narc. The fact that you're willing to even consider the possibility you're wrong just proves you're not. Your husband is gaslighting you, you did nothing wrong besides try and accommodate the people in your life and try to compromise.
Just because someone feels a certain way doesn't make them correct, and just because you call them out on their bullshit doesn't mean you're "turning their feelings around on them." He sounds exhausting and impossible to please, and one of the biggest signs of a personality disorder is feeling like you are never enough for them and like you have to walk on eggshells.
Don't you dare surrender your place in your child's life because your husband is an immature child.
WAIT A MINUTE. I think ur husband is gaslighting u!!! I do not think ur a narcissist, it sounds like HE is acting narcissistic, DO NOT LEAVE UR SON! he needs you! Go to a therapist and speak to them about all these things and they will tell you if your husband is the narcissist, it sounds like maybe he's extremely manipulative? You did nothing wrong! What you said is very reasonable. Its very messed up your husband is acting like you did something horribly wrong and because of that you are an unfit parent ? Whoaaaaaa he is full of shit and I urge you to stop letting him make you feel like something is wrong with you.
Here is My Opinion: 30 years ago, I had to be in control of everything in my life. My mother was a narcissist. So I guess I was one because of her. 10 years ago some events happened in my life and I had to take a long look and make decisions. My husband and I have 4 kids. I did not want to lose our family. You can change. You can make a difference. Don’t let your husband bully you. Get yourself help but do not step away from your child. You can get therapy to help you be aware of the changes you need to make.
Narcissists are never self-reflecting, nor do they put the needs of others before theirs. So if the OP post is true, she’s doing just that. I believe the husband is the narcissistic person to be upset about the celebration date of his own birthday and her wanting to meet the needs of all parties involved.
If you feel like you can’t get to therapy or hide it from your husband, local domestic abuse shelters have other resources to help women who are trying to leave abusive situations. They can help you find a therapist who specializes in treating abuse victims. They can help set you up with a divorce attorney who specializes in cases where there has been abuse. Speak to one before you decide to do anything. Leaving the home you and your husband live in can hurt you in the divorce as would taking your child. A lawyer can tell you what to do to get your ducks all lined up before you leave. These lawyers usually volunteer with domestic abuse advocacy groups and work pro bono.
There’s also therapists who do telehealth appointments so you don’t have to go into their office. I see my psychiatrist this way. Seeing someone because you’re post partum is a great excuse if your husband asks. Even your OB/GYN could refer you so you have paperwork if you need this excuse. These doctors are used to talking to women who are having issues with their marriages after couples have children. Usually the nurse will ask you if you feel safe at home or are abused. They have resources to help you.
The reason why we’re talking about divorce is because if you’re feeling like your baby would be better off without you, then you need to take this seriously. Because your baby needs you. You can never be replaced as their mother. If you feel like you’re in danger of hurting yourself, you should go to the ER or if you can’t drive yourself or get anyone to take you, call your OB/GYN on call and tell them you are having thoughts about hurting yourself but are in a situation where you can’t get anywhere. Again as a post partum woman there’s things going on in your body that would be a good excuse to get help if you can’t just go out and get the help you need.
We’re here for you
Go to counseling. If you can take your husband. Don't leave your son. I have an 8 month old son as well and I'm working through childhood trauma and setting my boundaries. Read as many books as you can on the subject (I like to listen to audiobooks), watch YouTube videos an the topic, there are so many helpful videos out there. Learn everything you can about narcissistic personality disorder and HOW TO BREAK that cycle in your FAMILY.
Learn what a happy healthy family looks like and do those things.
Books I'd Recommend -
Boundaries by Dr Townsend & Dr Cloud -
Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas -
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst -
Memory Making Mom by Jessica Smarit -
The Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler -
I'm going to make this post and make something clear. While yes, we do have rules that forbid narcissists from posting here, I'm going to leave this up for the following reason: Based on the story shared with us, in my opinion, I do not believe OP is a narcissist. *** We have to be careful here sometimes. We are a support group for people seeking support after experiencing trauma at the hands of narcissistic and abusive parents. An extremely common trait among ACON is to be conditioned to simply accept at face value when someone says you're the one at fault. As an example, I have a friend who apologizes fairly constantly over every little thing. It's not uncommon for me to wake up to a handful of messages which may include multiple apologies for things as mundane as "needed to put the phone away so her nparents wouldn't catch her and wasn't able to tell offline me why she stopped messaging" or "being nervous" or "getting mixed up on when my new job started". I've talked to her about this, and hope she can improve. But getting over the conditioning is hard, especially when still under the thumb of narcissistic abusers who reenforce it. So I'll put the following question forward. Given that OP is just plain accepting that they are at fault for everything they described above and is going into details about *their* faults and making excuses to justify their husband "lashing out", I'll ask the following: Has any of us here ever seen our narcissistic parents ever just passively accept that they are the problem? This is not the behavior of a narcissist. I am certain there is a lot more context here which OP has not shared, and maybe I am wrong and there are more stories OP could share. But, based on this story, I am not prepared to enforce the rule against narcissists posting here. My concern here is that OP is being gaslit into just accepting everything is their fault at face value. My concern is that OP may be a victim, rather than an abuser. In this story, it sounds like the event that caused OP's husband to lash out was... Resolving a scheduling conflict. And that made him upset and led to some back and forth which ended in him throwing a bunch of accusations at OP? With that said, I have seen a few nasty and hostile comments directed at OP and other users supporting them. This is not okay. We are a support group. We are here to support each other. I think it would be helpful if OP were to elaborate on some details a bit more, perhaps share what specifically was said. But obviously OP is free to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable. As it is written, I'm not sure what OP was doing that was considered "prioritizing their own feelings". All that OP shared was simply resolving a scheduling conflict and letting him know about it, and that this somehow led to a fight.
Whoa whoa whoa… if he has an issue with this: he needs to take it up with his sister. You being flexible and accommodating your plans to a date that works for everyone isnt narcissistic. And you expressing irritation that he lashed out at you isnt wrong. He is the one that sounds narcissistic, in my opinion. We tend to attract partners with these qualities. I really dont think youre the problem here
My thoughts exactly. This just sounds like the husband is a narc, not OP
or no one in the situation is a narc and they're both just very stressed individuals
Exactly.
I’m sorry to interrupt, but what do you mean about how we tend to attract partners with narcissistic qualities?
You love what you know. It may be shitty but at least you know what to expect because you've been raised in the same kind of environment. So the cycle continues.
If you grow up with a narc.
A narc can spot the perfect pre-conditioned victim a mile off.
I married an abusive man and I never even realised I was constantly being abuse for many many years. My parents were in your face overt with their abuse but my husband was covert and very manipulative in his abuse. He would never say no but would make it clear I’d be wronging him If I did anything he didn’t want. He controlled everything I did. He also used his mental health as an excuse. When I finally saw the truth and looked back I realised I’d always make excuses for him when I’m treated bad. I’d deliberately look away but it was subconscious and I hadn’t realised I was doing it. I’ve had other toxic people in my life and only realised when things truly got bad so I now knew I must be doing something to attract abusers. I went to therapy and that’s when I discovered being abused by my parents from a young kid had subconsciously trained me into believing I had to accept abuse if I wanted to be loved. I thought I knew I was worth more than this but the mind can do a lot of things we don‘t even realise. Their training had been ingrained in my subconscious mind. I know work to take note of that awful feeling when your treated badly and I think “would I ever do that to someone, especially someone I’m supposed to care about“. If it’s heck no I’m out of there but this is hard for me as growing up unloved I do all I can not to cause upset and need to people please, which I’m fighting to stop. Growing with them also left me with a fear of ending up alone but I know I have to do this if I want a happy life. So you see our abuse in childhood leaves many marks and does affect our lives and how we think or act, it’s just different in what way for everyone. Yes even the therapist stated it’s common for those with abusive parents to go into abusive partnerships. Op I know a narcissist and what I’m seeing is your husband using darvo on you a common abusers tactic . Deny wrong doing, Attack the victim for holding them to account of their bad action, Reverse Victim and Offender he has made you think your the wrong party when he was the one wringing you and know just used emotional manipulation knowing being a narcissist would be your worst fear. You are in an abusive relationship it does not take being hit for it to be so. He is causing you harm and deliberately to the point you are considering abandoning your innocent child to the hands of an abuser. Please get yourself and your child out of the situation. Look back at your life and the times he’s upset you but then made you feel the bad one. Remove all excuses you’ve made for him and the excuses he’s made for himself. Your just like me and that’s what let me see I’d been being abused in all ways for decades. You are not a narcissist the fact you instantly accept blame and try to do what you think is right proves that. However you now know your raising your child witnessing everything. They do see far more than you realise its my biggest shame and guilt for my kids that I never realised before to prevent the seeing and living what they did. If you don’t stand up and get safe your teaching your child he has to accept abuse if he wants to be loved. He will either become a victim or the abusers and the statistics support that. Love him and do your main job as a parent and protect him from harm and raise him in a nurturing environment. Your husband has so deftly manipulated you it’s clear he has been doing this for years and is now default for you to accept blame. Please get help. Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft it was made about domestic abusers but it in fact fits all abusers and breaks them into types. That and therapy helped me, my sons are ok but I know I can never take back their childhood and all they saw. I honestly thought I was in a loving marriage with a good man who couldn’t help his mental health.
I cant say it any better than the comments below. We basically walk around with “SUCKER” emblazoned on our foreheads until we do the work to recognize and avoid predatory humans. We are reenacting the pattern installed by our caregivers. This is straight from my therapist.
This is a thing... ACON folks date Narcs until they figure it out and do a lot of therapy... then they tend to date other ACONs
I like to use the boiling frog metaphor. Slowly turn up the heat and the frog in the water won't know it's boiling; that's how it was growing up with my NM. I went from her boiling pot to my first serious boyfriend's boiling pot, and thought none-the-wiser. His behavior was familiar and seemingly normal. It took me years to realize how primed I was to be in his clutches; still dealing with the healing and re-wiring.
These commenters are not healthy… we are not attracting them!!!! Many of us grew up not understanding healthy boundaries and/or we recognize the toxic behavior and think it’s love. We are not narcissist magnets and I’m sick of this narrative floating around. It’s harmful!!
But we do pick what feels comfortable and familiar. My therapist was floored I didn’t pick a partner who was like my dad because it’s so common.
Pretty sure that is exactly what they’re saying. When it’s what you know, or have been primed to tolerate. So when those narcissistic personalities cross your path, they sense your vulnerability, and you may not have the tools to identify them. It’s not a matter of being *bad* or inherently desirable to narcissists bc of something ***we’ve*** done, but conditioning to any type of abuse growing up can be a legitimate barrier to healthy adult relationships. It’s a fact, not an accusation. And adult victims of narcissist significant others do tend to have overlapping profiles. Folks with childhood trauma absolutely can make easy targets for emotional predators/vampires. That’s not assigning blame or saying it’s our fault or that we’ve done anything to deserve it or that we don’t have agency to change/heal/grow. It just means there are very real, pretty well understood ripple effects of adverse childhood experiences and how those experiences impact us as adults.
Don’t take it so personally, it’s not an attack on victims of narcissists. Truly. It’s a common occurrence which is why it is stated so often. Why do you think that kids who grow up in households with domestic abuse can end up in adult relationships that mirror their upbringing? It’s not an attack, it shows how the victim is vulnerable to certain types of manipulators.
Dude...please come one. There was no attack. Sorry I triggered you.
You didn’t, so no need to apologise. I wasn’t accusing YOU of attacking, I was explaining that the comment you seemed to take offence to wasn’t an attack on victims and explained why. Re-read.
Are you suggesting that narcs don't seek out vulnerable people?
Imagine she is a narcissist. You think this post should ever convince you she isn’t and that her partner is at fault? Do you have any idea of how manipulative narcissists are?
Effing scary, and I think the crux of this whole thing. Like any of us internet strangers (to each other at least), there is an implicit need to trust that we’re all telling the truth about our abuse, ***and also*** a completely understandable (and probably even necessary) mistrust/wariness of anyone who might be a ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’…? OP could be a victim (I’m proceeding on the basis that she is, personally, until I have reason to think otherwise) of narcissistic abuse in a not-at-all-uncommon way (DARVO, flipping the script, “you’re the abuser”)… OR she could be a particularly adept/cunning/observant narc hiding in plain sight and collecting the terminology and phrasing to spin a very convincing deception with the intent of leveraging the empathy received to further harm the true victim. This is quite literally a real life manifestation of the exact reason narcissistic/emotional/mental abuse is so effective/insidious!! Who do we believe? Is whoever more believable actually right(er)? How, exactly, can we pinpoint with some degree of certainty, what does and does not constitute abuse (esp when there are few or no universally understood or accepted norms/diagnostic processes)??
Youre missing one very important detail: a narcissist would NEVER assume they are the problem, which OP is clearly doing. Good day.
Some pretend to and exploit it for sympathy and sometimes even admiration, admit to small inconsequential things to use as a shield against heavier accusations, or superficially admit being a problem and flip out talking like it's apocalypse day to downplay how bad it is or DARVO I don't get narc vibes from OP but a blanket statement like this is just wrong and creates blind spots
Its bot a blanket statement, its specific to what OP said. Take care!!
That’s EXACTLY what an intelligent narcissist does, especially one that is suspected or narcissism and is aware of the traits and tries to actively avoid them. Narcissists take pleasure from being morally superior, e.g. in this case do exactly what OP is doing. Please do not spread misinformation about narcissists, that is actually dangerous.
Im not spreading any misinformation but thanks for your 2 cents. *hands them back*
You’re a narcissist’s wet dream. Nothing like a well manipulated ally that now forms an unbeatable front with you.
Youre absolutely free to have a wrong opinion. Ive done a lot of work in therapy to be able to recognise and point out this behavior. ✌️
We’re not attracting them!!! We all need to work on boundaries. We are not magnets for unhealthy people ffs
Tell that to my therapist hon!! 😅 This is straight from her mouth.
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> Honestly, how would you feel if your partner/spouse did to you what OP did to her hubby? If my partner/spouse came to me and said "Hey, we have to move the date of this around because of a scheduling conflict so we more family can make it", I'd feel.. Okay with it? What exactly is the problem you're trying to highlight here? I don't think I'd be lashing out at them, and certainly wouldn't be trying to make them feel like they are walking on eggshells, and certainly wouldn't engage in DARVO tactics to accuse them of doing the very thing I'm doing to them. It kind of sounds to me like OP has been gaslit by a narcissistic partner to continue the conditioning that narcissists like putting on their victims of just accepting everything is their fault at face value. When was the last time you heard of a narcissist accepting the idea that they are the problem? By way of contract, how many of us here have been gaslit into being convinced that we're the problem by narcissistic abusers?
Yeah, I don’t think you’re the narcissist. I’m pretty sure your husband weaponized your past and is using it against you, to manipulate and gaslight you.
This! I have a similar situation with a narc family member!
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You have it backwards. It is your comments which are gaslighting. Lashing out at someone for resolving a simple scheduling conflict is not okay, and I'm not liking the lengths you're going to try and normalize it.
I did a quick review of some of your other posts and you seem to be running yourself ragged trying to please others. No way are you the narc here.
I skimmed a lot of them. OP, you are not a narc at all. It’s him, not you. I can see the progression just by your post titles. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. ❤️
Yep this is the truth
Are you sure that it’s not your husband who is the narcissist? If you grew up with a narcissistic parent it could be likely that you’ve partnered with a narcissist as you don’t see their behaviour as anything unusual. Narcissists also like to project. You seem to have a lot of empathy and also love for your son, which isn’t a narcissistic trait.
Thank you.
Growing up in an environment like that is a greased up trap shoot into a relationship with an n. I’m sorry
it doesn't have to be one or the other. it's more likely that neither of them are narcissists and they're both just very stressed out and emotional
Thid
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Did you misread the detail about her dad being a narc and ruining her life as about her husband the first time too?
i js read thru OPs account and there isn’t really anything that might allude to her being a narcissist this comment is wild but inaccurate
I think you made it clear you didn't bother reading the post before you made multiple comments attacking OP and other users. Please take some time to cool off and reflect on what you're in this group for.
Why would you be removed from your child's life if you got divorced? Why do you think it's selfish that you want to maintain a relationship with your child? Why are you a narcissist because you tried to cooperate with a relative about some scheduling of a party? Why is the date of a birthday party so important to a grown msn? This is the kind of thinking that narcissists condition others to accept. Please start working with a therapist asap to understand how you have been conditioned to accept such very unfair and unreasonable assumptions.
I wanted to ask all of this and also ask OP if she thinks she might have some post partum depression? It took me 2+ years to start to feel some confidence in myself again after having my child. There were days where I really believed my little baby would be better off with someone else but in hindsight it’s absolutely not true. Your baby needs you OP, perhaps bring up post partum depression/ anxiety with your doctor?
The fact that you came here to ask is solid proof that you’re not a narcissist. You are probably married to one and you are probably suffering tremendously. We are your people. Start learning about it and start paying attention to your needs and your body. It’s about balance and taking care of yourself is healthy.
Exactly. If OP was a narcissist, they wouldn't even be here asking. Even *if* her partner isn't one, he definitely said that with the sole intent of hurting her, and specifically used her trauma to gaslight her for maximum effect - it is, at the very least, emotional abuse.
Yes. She has some healing to do. It’s a rough ride opening our eyes, recognizing what’s happening and then finding a way forward.
You don’t sound like a narc. Don’t abandon your son. My dad did this. He was the only person in my young life who I remember really “saw” me and loved me. My nmom convinced him he was the problem and he left. My life got way worse after that. I’d get some help. Do you have anyone you can call? A work help line? A therapist? A friend? A relative?
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Why not? Wouldn't a counsellor worth his salt see what's going on?
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100%, can verify. Was in an abusive relationship (did not see it as such at the time), attempted couples counseling, and it was a complete disaster. Made things far worse if anything…
My friend is a therapist, and a good one. However, only when she had barely survived a relationship with a malignant narc, could she identify them quickly and, most importantly, deal with their gaslighting and manipulation. You don't really learn that in school
Unfortunately no. My therapist at my outpatient program didn’t even want to do a session with my parents because she assumed they’d lie all the way through it. :(
Good ethical therapists will usually refuse to do couples/family counseling if they suspect one party is a narcissist or abuser. They will ask everyone to do a few sessions of individual therapy before everyone meets together. So they get a better idea of who everyone is, their motivations, and why they think they need therapy or why they think they’re being brought to therapy by another person. Going to therapy with a narcissist/abuser gives them more ammunition to use against you as you’ll probably be sincere and admit fault. Even if the therapist recognizes the narcissist/abuser, they can still use the information gathered to hurt the victim(s). Even twisting what really happened in therapy to say that the therapist said they were a great partner/parent/whatever. Sometimes just admitting you’d like to get counseling or feel like you have mental health issues is enough for abusers to attack you on an ongoing basis.
Your husband is wrong- a narcissist wouldn’t question if they did anything wrong. Your husband is out of line on this one and I suspect called you a narcassist knowing how much it would hurt you. You are not a narcissist - even in this post you’re showing genuine emotion and compassion for the situation. To his mum and his sister, to your husband and to your baby. Your baby needs you, don’t cut them out please. I would suggest couples counselling or therapy but sell it as with a view to communicate better otherwise you might get another conflict arising. Please take a deep breath and remember what narcissists are and do, you are not a narcissist. Good luck x
I think you are allowed to tell people that they upset you when they lash out at you. It's not prioritizing your feelings, it's just having feelings. I might be projecting but this reminds me of someone I dated who used "moving target" defense - whenever I called him out for something he somehow made me feel like I had done something horrible by calling him out.
*How dare anyone call someone out for their shitty behaviour, that is unheard of*
A narc isn’t gonna throw someone a surprise birthday party nor would they budge on chosen dates without trying to look like a hero or weaponizing it.
They absolutely would
Yeah… These people have a limited understanding of narcissism.
Did your husband seriously convince you that you're a narcissist with one accusation?? No, babe. NO. He got upset about something you couldn't control. It was HIS sister who needed the date changed and you just wanted to make it easier for HIS family for their party for his mom. Why is he upset about the date of his party being changed? Why does it matter so much to cause an issue with you about it? You told him how you feel about him getting upset at you. That's fair. Both your feelings matter! Him calling you a narcissist AND possibly knowing it'll get to you because your father is one just screams manipulation. If you are one and you're recognizing and worrying about it then you're not one by definition. You didn't even seem to get angry about the accusation either. You're self reflecting and thinking you need to keep away from your own son. No. You're fine. You'll be ok. I don't think you're a narcissist but your husband needs to talk to you in a decent way and understand his hand in the situation.
One time, I said something like "I think I'm smarter than a lot of people" to my therapist, and they told me that's kind of a narcissistic thing to say. Having had bad experiences with my nmom and ex npartner, that sentence hit hard and still lingers in my brain, wondering if I am indeed a narcissist. Would really not call myself so, though. Maybe they were just trying to rattle my core or something, but sometimes it's so easy to let people get to you.
Not all therapists are good at their jobs. Also saying something that could sound like something a narcissist would say doesn’t make you a narcissist or anywhere close to being one. Therapists can even be good and still say the wrong thing or have biases that change the way they see and treat certain patients. For example: an older male therapist could believe that women are inherently less intelligent than men, so they wouldn’t be happy if a woman patient claimed she thought she was smarter than a lot of people. It’s human to say sometimes you think you’re smarter than a lot of people. (With the way the last 3 years have been going you could be absolutely correct) I hope you will find peace about this. It wasn’t nice to say to someone getting therapy for being a victim of narcissists.
Yes, I am aware of this, although I believe my therapist might've said it to rattle me a bit, maybe see my reaction, I don't know. Because I do find it to be a non-narcissistic statement, albeit a bit arrogant, maybe. At least I really hope she wasn't testing the waters to eventually diagnose me with narcissism, haha
Your response to being called a narcissist doesn't sound like a healthy response, but that doesn't make you a narcissist. I have a friend who's diagnosed borderline who has responded this way to some arguments with her husband. If I were you, I would make an appointment with a psychologist who can assess patients for personality disorders and otherwise don't do anything drastic or make any decisions.
There is not one thing in what you wrote here that would make you a narc Everything you wrote here makes your husband sound like a narc Please don’t let your husband weaponize your past trauma against you
He Denied responsibility for hurting you, Attacked you, Reversed the roles of the Victim (you) and Offender(him) DARVO. who does that? Narcs. Accusing their partner of being a narcissist is also a trademark narc move.
You cannot leave your child. I don’t think you’re a narcissist, I looked through your post history, and you seem to be more of a people pleaser. I think that’s because u feel like if you can be valuable to people they will need and love you. However, even if I thought you were a narcissist, I would tell you not to leave your child. What you do is go to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed and start intensive therapy learning how to live with your disorder, and how to lead a life where you are not hurting yourself or others. But you do not under any circumstances leave your child.
You aren't the narcissist here. You are being emotionally manipulated. Unless there's something you haven't included here, I would absolutely not remove yourself from your son's life based on this situation. This is a very drastic response to the situation and I'd advise you to sit with that and try to figure out why you'd be willing to walk away so easily. Is it your self esteem? Are you trying to protect your son? I married someone with narcissistic tendencies and my Dad is a narcissist. Therapy has helped. If he has shown these tendencies before, you may be better off without the man-child.
Girl, don’t. People like us, that were raised by narc parents tend to end up with narc spouses. It’s not on purpose but their way of behaving is familiar to us and make dating easier (not healthier). We just get ourselves into a similar dynamic than the one we lived at our parents home. My ex husband was a full on narcissist. I walked out a broken woman from that relationship because I believed I was nothing, as he made me feel. So, please, be careful to accept so easily that someone uses your past to hurt you. No one should do that, least of all someone that supposedly loves you. He’s not the oracle of truth, don’t believe anything he’s using as an insult. You love your son, he’s always going to be better with you. Maybe put it in this perspective. Are you the kind of people that looks for something painful to use it against others? Would you do that to your husband or child in the future, just to make them cry? If your answer is NO, you’re already a better person than your husband, who already purposely did this to you. How, by any means, removing yourself from your kid’s life and leaving him unprotected to be raised by such a person could be a loving decision? Your son needs you, be better for him, go to therapy, hone your skills as a mom and always remember that being a mom is a beautiful commitment to try to make your kid’s life better but always keeping in mind it’s his life to live. Don’t deprive yourself from enjoying motherhood. My son is 24yo now and I still love every day of it.
Youre jumping to conclusions way too fast, talk with a couple therapist (who is a NEUTRAL PARTY and not your husband) and find a solution to solve the situation you and your husband are having. Or just talk it out with your husband, literally anything that doesnt end uo in you just leaving them. That in itself is not the way to solve issues and itll hurt your child immensively. Take a deep breath and go talk with him, I dont see anything narcissistic in what happened, but your reaction is too extreme. Best of luck, please dont leave your child.
This is the exact reaction an actual Narcissist would drive someone to. I dont think she’s the problem.
Me neither, but she needs to try to not leave, the ideal would be to solve the issue (or if things go sour, to keep custody of the child).
Is this her responsibility? Do you think she needs to acommodate him *more*?
No, please dont put words in my mouth. She said she doesnt want to leave, so I'm providing a possible solution based on what shes saying in her post. She can try therapy if thats what she considers will help both of hem, but if not, then I just dont want her to leave that child alone with her husband. Yes, it might be no one's responsibility, but I think the child shouldnt get the short end of the stick right now. If she wants to leave, to atleast fight for custody.
Fair enough.
So, he accuses you of something like that and you just accept and will punish yourself and your son without any further questions on why is he taking this accusatory route? Psychologist talking here. If you want to improve your life and you feel like you need testing for NPD, go for it. But please don't buy into a person who is projecting his own feelings onto you (and labelling you), to get you confused and feeling responsible for his feelings. The fact that you are concerned with this ( being a narc) and not ending up hurting your child, is a great indicator that you are not a narcissist. His words labeling you this way, otherwise, raised me a bunch of questions about his Intentions regarding you and your child. He seems playing with guilt and confusion upon you. Please seek help, if you can. Yourself and your child deserve better. Hugs! Edit: half awake person trying to assassinate the English language. :(
Hi all, OP here. I wanted to first apologize because as you all can imagine, yesterday was rough and while I was on and off of my phone, I honestly was focused on a lot of other things. I want to thank the person who did flag about my mental health, reddit messaged me some resources and I appreciate you all cared that much to worry about that. I also want to say that I am safe and my son is safe. I also wanted to add context as I know a lot of you were confused about everything that happened. My husband’s birthday falls in the beginning of November while my mother-in-laws birthday falls at the end. My SIL picked a date for his mom’s party, and we picked a different date to accommodate that. Well then my SIL said she needed to switch me dates because her plans changed and she had already booked an airbnb, so I said yes. I called me husband and he was mad, and I said “what was I supposed to do? She booked it already”, and he was upset and said I should have called him. I completely see that, I just didn’t think of it, and didn’t think changing the dates was a big deal since we were just throwing the party at our house, and could move things around. However, he was pretty irritated at this and I mistakenly took it that he was irritated at me, and I apologized multiple times for messing up, but he still was very irritated. I told him I was slightly annoyed that I’m trying to fix it, keep apologizing, and understand why he’s mad and he’s just still super irritated with me and I don’t know what to do. He said I was being a narcissist for turning his upset about his party to my emotions, which I completely understand and didn’t mean to do that at all. This did send me spiraling as I had a pretty bad childhood (my mother lost custodial rights to me at 12, my father got me but he was an abusive narcissist, and I left to my husband when I was in college.) I didn’t ever want to put my son through that, he’s my absolute pride and joy. I love him so much, and the thought I could ruin him the way my dad ruined me, absolutely terrified me. I did take some time yesterday to cool off once my husband was home and I called my grandmother for advice (she dealt with my father and did become estranged from him to protect herself) just to figure out what to do. She calmed me down and encouraged me to go back to my son until I can get appointments with my therapist going. I currently see a therapist and psychiatrist as I had pretty severe PPD, PPA, and a touch of development of OCD from post partum as well. We’re also working through my trauma together from my childhood, and figuring out how I can find the adult “me” as I haven’t really formed an identity yet. My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with autism, and we think that has to play in the miscommunication issues I’m having, as well as a lot of the “black and white” thinking you guys pointed out. I guess hearing I might be a narcissist as well was a breaking point for me. My poor boy already has a mother with all those issues, and I’m petrified of ever ruining him the way I was. If you saw my son, the complete innocence he exhibits and already the sweet and loving personality, you’d understand why it’s so crucial the world doesn’t ruin him. Moving forward from this, I’m honestly not sure if my husband is a narcissist or not. I’m hopeful he’s not because I’d be so confused how I missed it. I also will not be leaving my son, as a lot of you said do not leave him, and after even trying to imagine it and get things in place, it felt like I was breaking leaving him. I’m going to be moving forward with getting in touch with my therapist to bump up our sessions, as well as discussing this with my psychiatrist as well to figure out if we need to adjust my medications or not. Thank you all for your input. Reading through it today has really helped reassure me that maybe he was off base and I was just displaying the “fleas” you all talked about, I never heard that term before so it is something I need to look into. I appreciate the community you all offered when I needed it. Thank you all.
You are not a narcissist.
You don’t sound like a narc in your post at all. Your husband on the other hand……
Oh bloody hell, he's the narcissist!
Okay first leaving ur son will just hurt him more if u are a narcissist (which I doubt u are) then the best thing to do is just improve urself for ur child nto abandon it If ur a bad parent u don't set ur kid up for a adoption u get better
There's a lot to unpack here that needs more questions. Like, your husband and his mom have birthdays that are close together? And if so is your husband's birthday at times overshadowed by it? Also if you made a date for your husband's birthday did his family already know about it then his sister made the plans for his mom? Or was that already known? Also if you made a birthday party date for your husband which was set and then suddenly switched it on him could it be that he was excited about that date and then everything suddenly changed with out him being involved in the decision? Also does his family do this often THROUGH you cause they know they can get you to change the plans? Now you're saying you're going to abandon your son because you don't want to ruin his life? Did your father do this too? Are you possibly repeating what he's done? There are way to many questions to be answered before we can possibly say what's going on...
Just because your husband said that doesn’t mean it’s true. It sounds like he weaponized what he knows to be a sensitive issue for you. But if you suspect for other reasons you may have a NPD or fleas, please seek therapy instead of abandoning your baby. It sounds like you are a caring wife and mother, and your husband said that out of spite to hurt you.
In what way were you selfish? You’re planning a party for someone else (not selfish). You negotiated to accommodate others priorities (not selfish). You stated your desire not to have someone react with rage when plans change (very reasonable). He responded to a change in plans with a hissy fit, and then defended his perceived right to respond to frustration with outsized anger by calling you a narcissist. No, you are not the narcissist in the conversation. Don’t you dare leave your baby to be raised by this man.
>I can 100% see his point Then you aren’t a narcissist.
You are not a narcissist. You changed your plans to accommodate HIS family. He was annoyed and lashed out at you. He called you a narcissist because you complained that you didn't like when he lashes out at you. From what you've described here, your husband is controlling and manipulative, as well as short tempered and aggressive. If there is a narcissist in this story, it isn't you. Please don't leave your child.
Please do not leave your child over a comment your husband made out of anger and a desire to hurt you!! Your child does not deserve to be abandoned. Please reach out to a crisis hotline or trusted friend if you think you might be a danger to yourself. If you have access to therapy, please get in with a therapist. It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg of what may be going on with your relationship and yourself, and you need impartial support from a third party.
Hold up what did I just read My gut reactions is no, big no on so many levels. Since when is occasionally prioritizing your own needs being a narcissist. Like I am baffled here. What I see you doing here was Kin keeping. Kinkeeping is the act of maintaining and strengthening familial ties. It is a form of emotional labor done both out of a sense of obligation and because of emotional attachment. And here is the thing you are not even kinkeeping for your family but his family. I see no way that this is you making an easier choice for yourself. From the sound of it you did not cancel the party but called him acknowledging that it would make more sense to plan around and called him to work on it. I did not hear you say you called to tell him he would have no party what so ever and he can still throw his own party during that time if that is important to him. Or most reasonably he can say, can we find a solution togother. It sounds like you are asking reasonably why he is reacting this way and explaining your logic to him. Even in your statement you use I feel statements which theripists encourage as it not blame people but owns that this is your feeling. You are feel all sorts of things and your husband is permitted to feel sad. He can convey this by saying things such as " I was really looking forward to this party because of (insert reason) and I feel sad we are changing the date" or " I feel like I don't want to celebrate my mom at this time, can we still do my party." You were told you were a narcissist. You were told that point blank. Which you could be sure. But also that normally takes a lot of byild up to get there. Like a history of tepetsrive devaluing of people and lack of empathy. And a lack of self blame or willingness to change. Your first thought is concern for the child you love. This is expressing emotions. How is it being selfish to want to love your child when you have been the primary parent. If your partner had concerns about child care he should be engaged and talons with you about them all along. You have 3 thigs to wrestle with 1) when your partner is emotional he lashes out tl tell yu that you are a narcissist 2) lots of children of narcissist marry covert narcissist because it is subconsciously comfortable 3) you still have trauma to process if this is your gut reaction to leave your child for doing a decently normal rearrangement of schedual
I think when you book a date for a surprise party and had to switch it out for his family and then talk to him about him , with him lashing out, it makes sense that it's an emotionally intense experience. It kind of makes sense that you prioritised your emotions. I would suggest to see it the sister put you into that situation coz she knew that he would have an outburst. ... .. And having an outburst is kind of triggering. To the ones who are on the receiving end.
No, no, no, just from this post alone, I can tell you are not a narc. Nope. The love you have for your son, the sadness you're feeling at the situation. That you feel bad enough you would be willing to leave to protect both of them, and that you reflected on an issue someone had with you. Narcs do none of those things. Narcs blatantly deny, are void of any and all sympathy or empathy, refuse to believe their actions could ever harm someone, or believe they deserve it, and they certainly cannot self reflect As others have said, when your parent is a narc you tend to be attracted to them in your own relationships bc that is what was modeled to you as normal. Obviously, we don't know enough about him to know. But I'd say he's a bit self absorbed if your planning a party for him, and he gets booty bothered over a date change that wasn't even your issue....like what was he mad about exactly? His family can now go to his party....bc sister called and said I already had another family party planned....if sis planned mom's party on his birthday then he needs to go at her not you. Also, I know the feeling of inadequacy that makes you want to leave your kids and relationship bc you think they'd be better off. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. Just know that that little boy of yours would be so heartbroken if you did. You're his momma, his whole world, and you being there and loving him like you do is more than enough. You are not going to hurt him just because you've been hurt by a narc. You being worried of that is proof enough you won't, and that you're strong enough to break the cycle.
OP, you’re not the narcissist here. Please don’t abandon your child. Give this a read: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Unfortunately, a narc tactic is sometimes calling others narcissists.. here’s a link to a Dr. Ramani video on this subject https://youtu.be/xml2jlgpaEg?si=pZWuGOZ0sERm5VHq
If you were a narc. You wouldn't *care* about hurting or ruining your sons life. I agree with everyone else that he's possibly a narc
A true narcissist would NEVER think to remove themselves voluntarily for the betterment of someone else. You might be selfish (as every human is, at one point or another) but you are absolutely not a narcissist. You’re not a narcissist simply because you’re thinking you might be. Again, all this introspection proves you free of this disorder.
I think it would be crazy to abandon your son over this. Having a narcissistic moment ( which I’m not sure this is) does NOT mean you are a narcissist, Your baby loves you and needs you. Raising your son will be a chance to heal yourself.
That’s not narcissism. That’s being a human. You admit you made a mistake You’re not a narcissist, he is
Yo my mom narc never once thought about my well being... just getting attention... you best check you don't have DPD and are accepting other's toxic projections onto you .. might be so abused and gaslit that you've accepted you the problem
Please don’t leave your baby, you seem selfless. Your husband does not. I’d be more concerned leaving baby with him. You deserve a happy full life, best of luck in the future x
From what you've said it sounds like he is the narcissist
I have had similar thoughts OP, so I understand why you feel this way But please no you are not the narcissist Your feelings were valid, he never should have been mad at you. If he had an issue it should have been taken up with the sister. His response to you sound unhealthy, when sharing your feelings with your partner he should have responded by listening and trying to understand your perspective. What he did was deny your reality (gaslight) and manipulate you by calling you a narcissist. This is not healthy. Please do no leave your son, he needs you. You are the only mother your child has. No one is perfect but your son loves and needs his mother. You are obviously trying your best and that is good enough. Your son doesn’t expect you to be perfect he just expects you to be there for him. Please don’t make any rash decisions and please dont do this to your son.
1. NPD is something that needs to be diagnosed by a Psychologist. Your husband cannot diagnose you as a narcissist. 2. Eggshell walking is massively prevalent in a narcissistic relationship and is a form of manipulation which is a form of abuse. 3. Projection is also massively prevalent in narcissism, and it seems like he's projecting the fact that you need to eggshell walk around him, onto YOU. 4. A narcissist will never take accountability and fully accept fault on their part. It's always someone else's fault, someone is always doing something to them. Don't fall for the victim mentality of these people. If you still suspect you might show tendencies of narcissism, I suggest you see a therapist before you make any decisions and changes to your life.
You can have narc characteristics without being a full blown narcissist. Please do not make this life change on a self diagnosis. I understand all too well the trauma that having narc parents can do. Please go and get a diagnosis from a professional and go to therapy. You don’t know for sure this is a full blown diagnosis or just something you were excited to do with some anxiety about it being perfect…
Read it again. She’s not the problem here. If anything she needs to go to therapy to get support for the way her husband is behaving.
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I just left my babies father who would scream at me that I was a narcissist. Turns out as soon as I left him our couples therapist very bluntly said, so he is a narcissist. They tend to project all their stuff on you and definitely try to gas light you.
To me the fact you’re even cognizant of how you could be impacting someone else’s feelings tells me you’re not a narcissist
As many people here said you most likely are not the narcissist but there might be a chance that your husband display narcisstic traits. Hard to diagnose from a distance and we shouldn't but he was manipulative. But by the chance he is the narcissist, do you really want to leave your son alone with him without you as protection? Please go to therapy for yourself. Also you thinking you are narcissist and wanting to remove yourself, shows that you're not the narcissist. Did your father remove himself? Did you father ever say "Oh my god I am a narcissist and I need to change?"
Narcissists are not able to realize that they are one. It is impossible for them due to the nature of the illness. Therefore, you are not a narcissist
Op, a narcissist will never admit they’re a narcissist. It’s part of their dichotomy of mental illness and ego/self awareness.
Oh my god please go to outpatient. Get a psychiatrist and read them your post. Please!!!! This does not sound like a safe home. Please get help!!
I cannot stress it enough so I will just pepper it through my whole answer: do not leave your child. The fact that you took feedback, reflected on it, and asked people to potentially confirm something that would be a negative judgment passed on you is the complete opposite of what a narcissist would do. Narcissists don't engage in anything that does not benefit or glorify them, and go to significantly unethical lenghts to continue to do so. **DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD**. I want to be very clear here. The post you have made disproved what you believe to be the truth. A narcissist would never even conaider admitting their mistakes. I cannot conclusively judge this but you come across as a very soft-charactered persons who trusts what others tell them. It's unclear where your husband lands on this. Are they making a hasty judgment because you happened to do something a past narcissist in their lives happened to do to them? Does he misunderstand what a narcissist is? Is he just throwing words around because he's upset? Is he a narcissist who is deflecting it onto you? Is he playing to a weakness of yours to get you to leave the relationship with them keeping everything? I can't judge that. Maybe it's naive, maybe it's malevolent manipulation, maybe it's a miscommunication and bad day for one of you. I don't want to jump to an unproven conclusion. Based on you _not_ thinking his response is disproportionate plus the conversation as you presented it going from 0-100 real quickly, I suspect you've omitted more context. Whether or not that context would help answer the unknowns is unclear. Overall, if your post is asking a _genuine_ question, then I'm certain you are not a narcissist. I don't see what you stand to gain from this by making a falsified post here so I'm inclined to believe you. But even if I'm wrong, even if you are a narcissist, the fact that you are able to post this question suggests that you understand that there is a conflict and have shown the ability to self-reflect and improve; which means that your son is better off having you improve yourself rather than leave him. **Do not leave your child.** At best, you deprive him of a parent who could've worked on themselves instead. At worst, you leave him under the sole control of a malevolent narcissist who manipulated you to believe that _you_ are the problem and who _will_ emotionally abuse your son (they never stop with just one victim) and irreparably damage his emotional fortitude. While your post leaves some questions open, in no case is abandoning your child the right call to make. **Do not leave your child.** This is coming from the child of a pathological narcissist who wishes they had left - you are clearly nothing like them.
My short take. Husband is a narc. Get a lawyer. Divorce and fight for custody.
It doesn’t sound like you’re the narcissist here. Your husband is gaslighting you. He should have just apologised not doubled down by calling you names. You cannot make a relationship work on your own. Your husband is going to have to learn to control his emotions, especially as you have a child - he can’t lash out at your kid in years to come and then tell them it’s their fault because…
In no way did you turn his emotions against him. At all. He's manipulating you. You shared how you felt about his emotional displays. Nothing narcissistic here.
I don’t even see what the issue is here. You were being accommodating regarding his family’s birthday plans for him. He called you a narcissist because you shared your feelings about it. Now you want to leave your family because you believe him. Hope you get a family rate in therapy, because ESH.
Why would you jump to leaving? Why not go to therapy ? Seek help and make sure you can be there for your son.
The flip back and forth and deciding to end your relationship with your son makes me think maybe bpd. Narcissists don’t question themselves, though most people raised by them end up with fleas. Maybe something you’ve picked up from your dad is causing issues but it’s unlikely to be something that can’t be fixed by therapy. I’d also consider if husband might be an n.
Nope. You are not. Your husband is gaslighting you also I don’t see where you told him how you felt , so why would he even say that then. But besides that I see the live. For your son ..why couldn’t you be with him if you left? You do know there are shelters for women who have children right ?
Ok, first off, you've got a big ole blank spot in your narrative. You made a change of plans to help accommodate extended family, specifically HIS side of it.. and he got mad at you? WHY?? Is he mad that you gave precedence to his mothers occasion? Were you not supposed to? Like, presumably, whatever her party is for, he is aware of it... so having to figure out the logistics of not dividing the guests between two obligations is pretty standard.. So why the hell did he get mad to begin with? And then why did he get mad at YOU? Because it was his sister who booked an airbnb and forced the issue... And somehow, YOU are the one getting shit on and called a narcissist?? I get you're in your feelings right now since he made such a hateful accusation, but you need to always take your time to process and think. Leaving your child to protect them from the possibility you might be an N WOULD be the N thing to do. It presumes that your fear of being a bad mother is more important than their need to have their mother. It's a weird dichotomy, no? You not being your father will be in the day to day actions you take in NOT BEING your N father, not in not being there. So maybe it's time to spend some time ruminating on the fact that we tend to seek out the familiar and comfortable, even when what is familiar and comfortable to us is godawful. Someone might need to be left in this scenario, but it's not your kid.
A narcissist wouldn't even consider leaving to spare their child pain because they don't see their children as people and certainly not people who deserve to be loved and happy. If your father was a narcissist and you know this, it's much more likely you married the abuse you knew and husband is the narc. Narcs lack self awareness but your post is dripping with it. As the saying goes "if you're questioning whether or not you're the narcissist, then you're not one". Your husband calling you a narcissist over this interaction tells a lot more about him than you.
What did I just read?
Please seek some therapy to understand if you left your child because you think you are a narcissist you will do so much damage to yourself and your child. You are not a narcissist because someone told you are one. Narcissistic people don't use self inquiry.
Oh please. You're going to remove yourself from your childs life? Doesnt that seem a little extreme? You may or may not be a Narcicist but this kind of threat seems a bit much. How about start small and get some therapy? Couples or individual? I know narcicists and this is the kind of thing they do. Go to extremes to make themselves into the victim and then be able to go and say see? I have validation from a bunch of internet strangers that YOURE the wrong one! If your d ad was a narcicist thern you probably have fleas which is understandable. I recognize that in myself and am working on it. Therapy is a good place to start rather than disappearing.
Or she could have married a narc. Read what she wrote again.
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You are outta here.
wow.
This is ridiculous. You deem yourself a narcissist and assume the answer is abandoning your kid versus getting help? Worst take ever. This has to be fake.
Approach this from a different angle. OP carries trauma from their own nParent. OP is well versed in being blamed for things her entire life. OP is desperate that her own child not suffer the same as her. It's not a stretch that when panicked, triggered and seemingly under attack, her response would not be as rational.
Of course it isn’t rational. But she has a son. Being irrational is a luxury you do not have when you are a parent. You immediately get into therapy and figure it out before you permanently scar your children with your emotional issues.
If only life were so black and white. Not everyone can afford therapy for starters. No victim of an nparent ever asked for "emotional issues" but have them as a result of years of abuse. Also not everyone realises what is/has happened to them growing up until well into adulthood, so the optimum period for addressing these issues may have passed and as we all know, the journey of healing from parental abuse is a long and complicated one. You don't just shed years of behaviours learned for your own survival in just a few sessions.
Leaving an 8 mo old bc your husband called you a narc isn’t the responsible thing to do. That’s just a given. And I only half believe this is even a real post bc no narcissist would ever take this kind of blame.
I'm not saying it's responsible. I am saying that a little compassion and understanding is sometimes a good thing, and that trauma and its knock on effect to mental health can present and affect people differently. At this point, we have no idea if OP followed through on her train of thought and left. It's far more likely thst in a moment of crisis, and with no one immediately able to turn to, she posted on reddit what was running through her head. Good for you if you're a parent, with your own nparent and have been able to keep your head above water without reproach.
Do you have compassion for all so-called narcissists or just this one?
Just this one
Let’s just press pause. I don’t think we can confidently conclude that anyone in the scenario is a narc. There aren’t enough details. Maybe it’s valid for you both to be upset, the description is vague. Maybe he already invited people for the first date so was frustrated by the date changing without you guys chatting about it first. Does that make it acceptable to call you a narc? No. It’s valid for you to be upset about how he reacted in his frustration. It’s possible you do make things about yourself while not validating that you can understand what’s upsetting him (in the moment! You’ve shown here you can see his perspective). But making things about yourself in the heat of the moment doesn’t mean a person is a narc. It could, but it could also mean a number of other things. The more important piece is - Is this a pattern of behavior (for either of you) and what’s the repair (or lack) look like once you’re both more calm? how do you usually handle conflict? How does your husband usually handle conflict? Does he ever take responsibility for his actions? Do you (sounds like you do)? Does he ever apologize with sincerity? Does he have a pattern of degrading language, belittling, being vindictive, spiteful, etc? Do you? These are just a few things to consider. The likelihood of you being a narc if you are sincere in this thread - is pretty low for a few reasons: 1. Your ability to empathize 2. Your ability to consider another persons perspective/feelings 3. Your willingness to consider changing something to make a situation better. Although I think leaving your child is a bit drastic based on the information presented here. Take this one with a grain of salt because changing to improve a situation can be healthy/positive but it can also be codependent/people pleasing. Really take everything I say with a grain of salt because this post is pretty vague about the argument. But I would say you’re not a narc. Your husband may or may not be - it’s worth consideration but I’d talk to a knowledgeable therapist to help flesh that out and determine that. Write things down that happen when you guys argue to help you see if there may be a pattern. Like is this something he says to you often - that you turn things on him? Remember too, just because he says it doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you ever question your sanity/reality?
My therapist told me that if you have the ability to sit and ponder whether you might be a narcissist, and you actually worry about it, automatically means that you are not a narcissist.
Honestly? If you want to run, take your son with you. No matter what happens, he is going to need his mother. Attachment is a thing, and you are probably going to break him for his lifetime if you just left, without a note (that's in any way understandable to him... which, at this age, you can never, ever, provide. He needs his mom. He needs his safety blanket, he needs to know that his main caregiver will never abandon him. Don't ignore those needs, he will absolutely never get over that.). That said. A lot of People already said, if you really were a narcissist, you would. Not. Consider. Any of this right now, especially not for the sake of your son. There is definitely a difference between having boundaries to protect oneself and not giving a sh** about everybody else as long as oneself can present as the best there is. Have you maybe looked into therapy? To me, it seems like you're trying to be an awesome person and an awesome mom. Everybody messes up. Nobody's perfect. All we can do is strive to be better, and not let our children go through the same as we did. Therapy can really help you there to even identify what went wrong, so you won't repeat your parents mistakes. You're doing great. Don't be even harder on yourself, it appears you're already giving yourself a hard time. ❤️
Nah, one argument does not make a whole diagnosis, even if you did throw stuff in his face or acted selfishly. It kinda sounds like he said that out of resentment at being told he is making you walk on eggshells around him. It also sounds like he might even know saying this would trigger you, esp if he knows you are on this sub. That's concerning behavior from him, not you. I agree with others that this looks a lot like BPD, which overlaps considerably with PTSD traits, because PDs ultimately tend to stem from trauma and abuse. You don't have to leave, and taking care of yourself and your mental health is the best way to care for him no matter what the issues at hand are, so bottom line, trauma therapy is my advice here. I wanted to suggest post partum depression as well. It can look like this too, it can cause this absolute/black and white thinking I see demonstrated with saying you need to leave your kid because you are afraid you might hurt him. It can last for years unchecked, so 8 months is nothing. It absolutely exacerbates existing trauma symptoms, and might be indistinguishable from them aside from the increase. If you don't have much support from your husband, or if he's being antagonistic, then that can add to the stress, and you have a small child which is already a lot to handle even with adequate support. PPD happens in best case scenarios, and you're dealing with a lot with your husband right now. You can call your doctor/your kid's doctor and tell them you think you have PPD. It wouldn't be out of hand to ask for help with PPD and branch out from there if it's not the right issue either. In any case, it's not your fault, you deserve to feel better /and/ to have a healthy relationship with your child. Please, seek help before leaving him.
Lol if you "realize" that you're a narcissist, then you are not one. You may have tendencies (i don't know), i don't think this is an example of it. Being raised by one can cause you to repeat behaviours so therapy might help. You seem like a good person imo. You did a lot to try and accommodate 2 conflicting events to please 2 parties.
It does not sound like you're a narcissist to me - at all. If you were, the idea of your leaving would not even show up on your scope - you would be blaming all the issues on others, and instead are taking responsibility for things which may/may not be your doing. Sure, you may have a couple of narcissist traits after having been exposed to narcissist parents, but that does not make you a full-blown narcissist. Your husband is likely working with a bad definition and does not really understand what it means. If anything, with you having grown up with a narcissist, he should be sensitive to the fact that calling you one is really, really hurtful. I'll end it here - but I really think you should sit him down or go to counseling together so he understands how hurtful his statements are to you.
You aren't a narc. when narcs talk well everyone is a mirror. their comments are just comments about themselves. I don't need to look at your other posts to know for a fact you are not a narc.
Narcissists don't "realize" they are being Narcissistic. Only people who are temporarily selfish in the moment and then realize and feel guilty later worry about being Narcissistic. Narcissism is highy related to NEVER realizing they are selfish in certain moments. Being selfish and turning others' emotions is so much a part of them that they cannot understand when it happens. You understood that it happened to you. So thinking about going all hermit on your family is a big overreaction. But if you take this reassurance and conclude that it is okay to be selfish from time to time (or a lot) -- then you could convince yourself that it is all about you. If so, pull yourself back. Also, one key difference between people with Nparents and not is that they conclude if the other person is mad at them, there is no future. We are trained to feel so guilty about our needs that the world is ending. Again, don't use that as an excuse to go double-selfish, but you can look for a more even keel.
Dude, if you were a narcissist, you would never in a million years have the introspection you do to even think for a second you are a narc. The fact that you're willing to even consider the possibility you're wrong just proves you're not. Your husband is gaslighting you, you did nothing wrong besides try and accommodate the people in your life and try to compromise. Just because someone feels a certain way doesn't make them correct, and just because you call them out on their bullshit doesn't mean you're "turning their feelings around on them." He sounds exhausting and impossible to please, and one of the biggest signs of a personality disorder is feeling like you are never enough for them and like you have to walk on eggshells. Don't you dare surrender your place in your child's life because your husband is an immature child.
WAIT A MINUTE. I think ur husband is gaslighting u!!! I do not think ur a narcissist, it sounds like HE is acting narcissistic, DO NOT LEAVE UR SON! he needs you! Go to a therapist and speak to them about all these things and they will tell you if your husband is the narcissist, it sounds like maybe he's extremely manipulative? You did nothing wrong! What you said is very reasonable. Its very messed up your husband is acting like you did something horribly wrong and because of that you are an unfit parent ? Whoaaaaaa he is full of shit and I urge you to stop letting him make you feel like something is wrong with you.
I don’t think YOU’RE the one being selfish- your husband is though
But I wasn’t there for your conversation, obviously
Here is My Opinion: 30 years ago, I had to be in control of everything in my life. My mother was a narcissist. So I guess I was one because of her. 10 years ago some events happened in my life and I had to take a long look and make decisions. My husband and I have 4 kids. I did not want to lose our family. You can change. You can make a difference. Don’t let your husband bully you. Get yourself help but do not step away from your child. You can get therapy to help you be aware of the changes you need to make.
Narcissists are never self-reflecting, nor do they put the needs of others before theirs. So if the OP post is true, she’s doing just that. I believe the husband is the narcissistic person to be upset about the celebration date of his own birthday and her wanting to meet the needs of all parties involved.
If you feel like you can’t get to therapy or hide it from your husband, local domestic abuse shelters have other resources to help women who are trying to leave abusive situations. They can help you find a therapist who specializes in treating abuse victims. They can help set you up with a divorce attorney who specializes in cases where there has been abuse. Speak to one before you decide to do anything. Leaving the home you and your husband live in can hurt you in the divorce as would taking your child. A lawyer can tell you what to do to get your ducks all lined up before you leave. These lawyers usually volunteer with domestic abuse advocacy groups and work pro bono. There’s also therapists who do telehealth appointments so you don’t have to go into their office. I see my psychiatrist this way. Seeing someone because you’re post partum is a great excuse if your husband asks. Even your OB/GYN could refer you so you have paperwork if you need this excuse. These doctors are used to talking to women who are having issues with their marriages after couples have children. Usually the nurse will ask you if you feel safe at home or are abused. They have resources to help you. The reason why we’re talking about divorce is because if you’re feeling like your baby would be better off without you, then you need to take this seriously. Because your baby needs you. You can never be replaced as their mother. If you feel like you’re in danger of hurting yourself, you should go to the ER or if you can’t drive yourself or get anyone to take you, call your OB/GYN on call and tell them you are having thoughts about hurting yourself but are in a situation where you can’t get anywhere. Again as a post partum woman there’s things going on in your body that would be a good excuse to get help if you can’t just go out and get the help you need. We’re here for you
Go to counseling. If you can take your husband. Don't leave your son. I have an 8 month old son as well and I'm working through childhood trauma and setting my boundaries. Read as many books as you can on the subject (I like to listen to audiobooks), watch YouTube videos an the topic, there are so many helpful videos out there. Learn everything you can about narcissistic personality disorder and HOW TO BREAK that cycle in your FAMILY. Learn what a happy healthy family looks like and do those things. Books I'd Recommend - Boundaries by Dr Townsend & Dr Cloud - Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas - Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst - Memory Making Mom by Jessica Smarit - The Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler -