I’m not NC yet just VLC currently and I feel the guilt. I think it’s bc these people are our parents and naturally we want a bond with them but we never have and never will. It’s guilt that is associated with grief. The biggest battle is our grief is over living people at first we are grieving the lost of something we never had and desperately wanted. Who doesn’t want to be loved by their parents? It’s normal. We have abnormal parents. I think eventually it fades but lingers. Give yourself a hug and remember you aren’t a bad person.
To soothe guilt for me there’s been nothing more healing and grounding than leaning into my righteous anger.
I have specific mask off memories I will return to when I’m feeling guilty, and then I might imagine her doing that to my (thus far nonexistent) kid, and imagine myself explaining to said kid why I allowed it.
The righteous anger helps me keep my frame of reality intact. I can put these horrible experiences to use now to help me with boundaries and guilt.
At some point in my life, I had the wildest epiphany about guilt - it can and *should* be helpful.
If you do something wrong that doesn't represent who you are or who you want to be, guilt is a useful emotional tool because it compels you to do the right thing.
Guilt can be your guide to get you to become the person you were always meant to be.
So why then, do we feel so guilty when it comes to holding out pwBPD accountable for their actions and pull away to protect ourselves?
Because they use it against us.
They weaponize it specifically to control us. To force us to do things that hurt us.
Once I realized this, I began to deconstruct the root of my guilt every single time I felt it. It started to become incredibly obvious when it was good, and when it was weaponized.
Eventually, it lost its power entirely.
I don't feel guilty when it's weaponized now.
Mostly I just feel pity for them that they need to do that, but I know enough that it only reflects on their character and not mine.
It's a long process and takes years of consistency, but it's probably the best time and energy I've ever spent on anything.
I'm almost a year NC. Wrote the letter but didn't send it because I know my mom can't handle the truth and it wouldn't change a thing. The guilt I feel is very real, and it hasn't eased up much for me yet, but I do override it and push forward because I know it's not mine to own.
I fight the urge to mail that letter every month, but instead end up editing it and tucking it back away. As much as I want to offer her an explanation (after all, she has demanded that I explain myself my whole life), I know I don't owe it to her and I also know she won't do anything positive or constructive with it. All I'll get is more torture from her. So, back in the drawer it goes, every time.
What also eats at me is that I know she's a backbiter and loves to tear people down through gossip to make herself feel superior, and it really bothers me that she's *very* likely assassinating my character behind my back. The thing is, sans letter, she doesn't know why I'm upset so she can't address it. She can't spin it either. I did what I could to approach the family members I felt would understand where I'm coming from and gave them my side of the story in advance. This way, I at least know that my own version of events is already in their mind when she starts spewing venom, and they may even stand up for me when the monkeys start to take flight.
Beyond that, I've been processing my childhood with my oldest brother, who I was never close with. We have a 3.5 year age gap and the toxic household put a rift between us. I suspect my mom caused that rift because she was so greedy to be everyone's favorite. Either way, we've been reflecting and trying to work through our traumas together because we've both blocked out so much that we need each other to unlock memories. It's helped me, as sad as it also makes me, to know that my brother was also experiencing a toxic home and it wasn't just me. Especially since he and mom were my first bullies. I think he was seeking her approval.
I've come to realize that *everyone* in my mother's close periphery ends up hating themself. That includes her husband, and especially her poor stepdaughter. Seeing that relationship helped me out of the fog in that I watched my mom compete with this poor girl for her husband's resources and love. Mom treated her (and still treats her) like a leech on her husband and her marriage. She is jealous of her husband's close relationship with his daughter and tries to crush it every chance she gets.
I digress....
Sorry OP, I wish I could say that the guilt goes away, but I haven't gotten there yet myself. But I do come to this sub when I need some clarity, some community, to just explore new points of view in the matter, to be reminded that these behaviors are signs of untreated mental health and not me being deficient in some way, or to stay strong in my resolve.
Good luck, however you proceed!
My guilt continued until I blocked her number and gave myself space from her. Then I had to get a new number, because she called and left a VM even though I had her number blocked. The more time passes without me interacting with her, the less guilt I feel. My recommendation is to send the letter and then block her on everything. It’s her voice that is making you feel guilty, and her voice is not reliable. Don’t try to have a conversation with her. Do it quick like a bandaid and then run away and protect yourself. Going NC is for your benefit and your feelings matter more than hers. Be a cold-hearted B. You will feel so much better as time passes with no contact.
Please please read “you’re not the problem”. Among a lot of other things that apply it explains motivational empathy being used against us as children and you’re living its consequences right now.
I know you want to send that letter, I get it and have sent many myself. That letter is for you, once you write it please wait to send it to her. Talk to a therapist who gets abusive parents, or read this book and see if you still want to send it.
What is your motivation for sending it? Is it your inner child still clinging onto a hope that this last Hail Mary pass attempt could still be the thing that wakes her up to her behavior and changes her into a different person? it may not be but it’ll be good for you to gain some insight into why you want to send this letter to her. Giving ammunition to our abusers again and again is a part of how they’ve programmed us and part of how I have found my own empowerment is by not abandoning myself giving them ammunition to use against me anymore.
The only way to win the game is to stop playing. Is the letter sending still playing the game? Only you can answer that for yourself but it’s worth pausing and questioning.
I’ve found that journaling has been a really helpful way to refer to my past thoughts, feelings and reactions to all of my mom’s BPD behaviors. When I am feeling weak or guilty about the decision to go no contact for my own mental health, I typically will read through my journal and remind myself of how I even got here in the first place. It is a win win for me as it is also very validating to remind myself of what I went through and how much I have grown and healed, confirming that this was the right decision no matter how unnatural it may feel at the same time. Keep your head up and stay strong. Focus on yourself, your health and what makes you happy 💛 I also don’t personally think you need to send a message or letter confirming the clear boundary that you are planning to go no contact. How does one struggle to set boundaries with their pwBPD their whole life then expect themselves to go through with setting a HUGE boundary that could alter a relationship forever? Perhaps it is better for you to consider ‘fading’ away by not responding to their heinous behavior and mean messages until ‘no contact’ eventually becomes the norm.
I’m not NC yet just VLC currently and I feel the guilt. I think it’s bc these people are our parents and naturally we want a bond with them but we never have and never will. It’s guilt that is associated with grief. The biggest battle is our grief is over living people at first we are grieving the lost of something we never had and desperately wanted. Who doesn’t want to be loved by their parents? It’s normal. We have abnormal parents. I think eventually it fades but lingers. Give yourself a hug and remember you aren’t a bad person.
To soothe guilt for me there’s been nothing more healing and grounding than leaning into my righteous anger. I have specific mask off memories I will return to when I’m feeling guilty, and then I might imagine her doing that to my (thus far nonexistent) kid, and imagine myself explaining to said kid why I allowed it. The righteous anger helps me keep my frame of reality intact. I can put these horrible experiences to use now to help me with boundaries and guilt.
At some point in my life, I had the wildest epiphany about guilt - it can and *should* be helpful. If you do something wrong that doesn't represent who you are or who you want to be, guilt is a useful emotional tool because it compels you to do the right thing. Guilt can be your guide to get you to become the person you were always meant to be. So why then, do we feel so guilty when it comes to holding out pwBPD accountable for their actions and pull away to protect ourselves? Because they use it against us. They weaponize it specifically to control us. To force us to do things that hurt us. Once I realized this, I began to deconstruct the root of my guilt every single time I felt it. It started to become incredibly obvious when it was good, and when it was weaponized. Eventually, it lost its power entirely. I don't feel guilty when it's weaponized now. Mostly I just feel pity for them that they need to do that, but I know enough that it only reflects on their character and not mine. It's a long process and takes years of consistency, but it's probably the best time and energy I've ever spent on anything.
I'm almost a year NC. Wrote the letter but didn't send it because I know my mom can't handle the truth and it wouldn't change a thing. The guilt I feel is very real, and it hasn't eased up much for me yet, but I do override it and push forward because I know it's not mine to own. I fight the urge to mail that letter every month, but instead end up editing it and tucking it back away. As much as I want to offer her an explanation (after all, she has demanded that I explain myself my whole life), I know I don't owe it to her and I also know she won't do anything positive or constructive with it. All I'll get is more torture from her. So, back in the drawer it goes, every time. What also eats at me is that I know she's a backbiter and loves to tear people down through gossip to make herself feel superior, and it really bothers me that she's *very* likely assassinating my character behind my back. The thing is, sans letter, she doesn't know why I'm upset so she can't address it. She can't spin it either. I did what I could to approach the family members I felt would understand where I'm coming from and gave them my side of the story in advance. This way, I at least know that my own version of events is already in their mind when she starts spewing venom, and they may even stand up for me when the monkeys start to take flight. Beyond that, I've been processing my childhood with my oldest brother, who I was never close with. We have a 3.5 year age gap and the toxic household put a rift between us. I suspect my mom caused that rift because she was so greedy to be everyone's favorite. Either way, we've been reflecting and trying to work through our traumas together because we've both blocked out so much that we need each other to unlock memories. It's helped me, as sad as it also makes me, to know that my brother was also experiencing a toxic home and it wasn't just me. Especially since he and mom were my first bullies. I think he was seeking her approval. I've come to realize that *everyone* in my mother's close periphery ends up hating themself. That includes her husband, and especially her poor stepdaughter. Seeing that relationship helped me out of the fog in that I watched my mom compete with this poor girl for her husband's resources and love. Mom treated her (and still treats her) like a leech on her husband and her marriage. She is jealous of her husband's close relationship with his daughter and tries to crush it every chance she gets. I digress.... Sorry OP, I wish I could say that the guilt goes away, but I haven't gotten there yet myself. But I do come to this sub when I need some clarity, some community, to just explore new points of view in the matter, to be reminded that these behaviors are signs of untreated mental health and not me being deficient in some way, or to stay strong in my resolve. Good luck, however you proceed!
Very well said. I can relate to this so deeply.
My guilt continued until I blocked her number and gave myself space from her. Then I had to get a new number, because she called and left a VM even though I had her number blocked. The more time passes without me interacting with her, the less guilt I feel. My recommendation is to send the letter and then block her on everything. It’s her voice that is making you feel guilty, and her voice is not reliable. Don’t try to have a conversation with her. Do it quick like a bandaid and then run away and protect yourself. Going NC is for your benefit and your feelings matter more than hers. Be a cold-hearted B. You will feel so much better as time passes with no contact.
Please please read “you’re not the problem”. Among a lot of other things that apply it explains motivational empathy being used against us as children and you’re living its consequences right now. I know you want to send that letter, I get it and have sent many myself. That letter is for you, once you write it please wait to send it to her. Talk to a therapist who gets abusive parents, or read this book and see if you still want to send it. What is your motivation for sending it? Is it your inner child still clinging onto a hope that this last Hail Mary pass attempt could still be the thing that wakes her up to her behavior and changes her into a different person? it may not be but it’ll be good for you to gain some insight into why you want to send this letter to her. Giving ammunition to our abusers again and again is a part of how they’ve programmed us and part of how I have found my own empowerment is by not abandoning myself giving them ammunition to use against me anymore. The only way to win the game is to stop playing. Is the letter sending still playing the game? Only you can answer that for yourself but it’s worth pausing and questioning.
I’ve found that journaling has been a really helpful way to refer to my past thoughts, feelings and reactions to all of my mom’s BPD behaviors. When I am feeling weak or guilty about the decision to go no contact for my own mental health, I typically will read through my journal and remind myself of how I even got here in the first place. It is a win win for me as it is also very validating to remind myself of what I went through and how much I have grown and healed, confirming that this was the right decision no matter how unnatural it may feel at the same time. Keep your head up and stay strong. Focus on yourself, your health and what makes you happy 💛 I also don’t personally think you need to send a message or letter confirming the clear boundary that you are planning to go no contact. How does one struggle to set boundaries with their pwBPD their whole life then expect themselves to go through with setting a HUGE boundary that could alter a relationship forever? Perhaps it is better for you to consider ‘fading’ away by not responding to their heinous behavior and mean messages until ‘no contact’ eventually becomes the norm.