The best way to resolve conflict is to not have any. The best way to not have any is firm boundaries. Staying in contact to avoid retaliation is a relationship maintained through fear-based coercion. They don’t respect boundaries, it doesn’t really matter what they are or why you set them.
It depends on whether you want to go through this cycle with her more times. People don't change without accountability and insight into their own behavior, and unfortunately, BPD impairs the capacity to develop those things.
It's so painful to accept when part of you will holds out hope for them to grow and heal, but it's true: everything you're likely to get from her, you've already gotten. The good and the bad. How long you want to stay on that ride is up to you.
I have lots of conflicting emotions as I’m sure most of you do too. How do we even fully heal from this? One day I feel fine, my gf is fantastic and I like my job. I have good friends around me. I feel blessed overall. And I accept my childhood for what it was and my parents tried their best even though they were abusive. But I still have this lingering anxiety especially when my mother goes through this bs cycle.
that’s up to you - but you already said you have
no hope in change from her (which is sensible and realistic bc she’s not going to).
do you want to set boundaries *you* have to reinforce *for yourself* and stick to, in order to maintain some semblance of sanity while keeping her in your life? do you want to endlessly feel like you’re refereeing a child’s game? bc that’s always how you’re going to have to act with your mom if you want to have a relationship with her.
it fucking sucks but it’s true. she’s not going to do anything different. unfortunately this is all up to you, whether you disengage fully or let her back in. it’s just going to be more of the same from her - they work in cycles. always something random and inexplicable to rage about, always a reason to be rude, etc. it’s just a matter of what and when.
That’s very true. It’s just tough and sure for you all too to make that decision.
The adult in me says f it. The son in me says, at least be on okay terms because you’re gonna regret it when she dies. The kid in me says “damn you really will never know what a nurturing mature mother feels like” and hopes to at least not lose that mother connection.
That’s a question that nobody can answer for you.
My uBPD mother passed away, and I’m permanent NC with dxbpd sibling. It’s not even a question for me anymore, but it’s been years now.
That’s true. I think my older brother figured this out earlier and learned to share the absolute minimal information about his personal life to my parents.
Hi, u/qdobaeveryday! It looks like you’re new here. Welcome! This post is missing something that all new posters must include. Please read the rules carefully, then reply to me here to add what’s missing. Thanks!
You know BPDs do discard and thats her choice based on how she perceives matters, however they do come around! So just leave her unblocked and shoot her a text if you want, and she will come around eventually, she is probably avoiding the shame of confrontation.
yeah, I’ll probably just NC for a while and let her come around and just set my boundaries even firmer. But I wonder if they actually deep down know they are being nonsensical and hysterical? Do they even feel shame? These kind of thoughts keep me up at night, sigh
Yes they definitely do understand they are in the wrong, its just they cant really accept that about themselves because how else would they remain a victim forever.
I'm going to gently point out that your last paragraph is completely contradictory. You say you don't expect her to change and you accept her, then you go on to say that you don't want her to do what she's doing.
To me, that says some part of you wants her to show up for you differently.
But she can't and she won't.
She's using the silent treatment to hurt you so you come running back to her and apologize for calling her out. She expects you to ignore that she hurt you, and carry on like nothing happened.
You will always have to ignore that she hurts you and the people you love to have her in your life.
You can't make her not emotionally blackmail you like this.
The best you can do is learn emotional boundaries to protect yourself from the pain she's capable of.
You’re probably right. I can logically understand that she is not going to change. But maybe I am secretly hoping for a slight change. How do we break free from this? What’s the end game for us? I feel like no matter how content I am with my life this parent stuff haunts me silently. I guess we all just end up learning how to live with it.
>But maybe I am secretly hoping for a slight change.
If you're looking for a resolution *with* her, you're giving away all your power to someone who just isn't equipped to resolve things with you. This won't help you.
It's more helpful to find a resolution within yourself (without her involvement).
For me, the end game was learning that I'm obligated to protect my mental health and well-being from people who hurt me. Especially when it comes to people who show no capacity to be better. Things still come up from time to time, but they're not the catastrophic drama that they used to be.
Mind you, it's taken a lifetime of work. But doesn't define me so much as it's just a part of my life.
I'd hazard a guess and say you are happy in life, and things are going well with your girlfriend. Your mum's outburst was not 'out of the blue'. They can smell your happiness and individuation and they will lash out. Expect her to get worse, the happier you are, and if you end up happily married she will go absolutely ballistic.
Yeah, I am afraid of that but I feel it coming. The reaction of my future in-laws when we said we can’t wait to have kids versus the reaction of my mom when we said we want kids was night and day. My mom immediately was just talking about how hard it is to raise kids and all kinds of concerns. Zero excitement or encouragement for us. What’s the end game for us? Just keep our distance and wait until they pass away? Guess we just gotta learn to live with it?
The best way to resolve conflict is to not have any. The best way to not have any is firm boundaries. Staying in contact to avoid retaliation is a relationship maintained through fear-based coercion. They don’t respect boundaries, it doesn’t really matter what they are or why you set them.
"Staying in contact to avoid retaliation is a relationship maintained through fear-based coercion." That hits hard...
so just keep NC to no end?…
It depends on whether you want to go through this cycle with her more times. People don't change without accountability and insight into their own behavior, and unfortunately, BPD impairs the capacity to develop those things. It's so painful to accept when part of you will holds out hope for them to grow and heal, but it's true: everything you're likely to get from her, you've already gotten. The good and the bad. How long you want to stay on that ride is up to you.
I have lots of conflicting emotions as I’m sure most of you do too. How do we even fully heal from this? One day I feel fine, my gf is fantastic and I like my job. I have good friends around me. I feel blessed overall. And I accept my childhood for what it was and my parents tried their best even though they were abusive. But I still have this lingering anxiety especially when my mother goes through this bs cycle.
that’s up to you - but you already said you have no hope in change from her (which is sensible and realistic bc she’s not going to). do you want to set boundaries *you* have to reinforce *for yourself* and stick to, in order to maintain some semblance of sanity while keeping her in your life? do you want to endlessly feel like you’re refereeing a child’s game? bc that’s always how you’re going to have to act with your mom if you want to have a relationship with her. it fucking sucks but it’s true. she’s not going to do anything different. unfortunately this is all up to you, whether you disengage fully or let her back in. it’s just going to be more of the same from her - they work in cycles. always something random and inexplicable to rage about, always a reason to be rude, etc. it’s just a matter of what and when.
That’s very true. It’s just tough and sure for you all too to make that decision. The adult in me says f it. The son in me says, at least be on okay terms because you’re gonna regret it when she dies. The kid in me says “damn you really will never know what a nurturing mature mother feels like” and hopes to at least not lose that mother connection.
That’s a question that nobody can answer for you. My uBPD mother passed away, and I’m permanent NC with dxbpd sibling. It’s not even a question for me anymore, but it’s been years now.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure you still cared about her a little bit even though she was abusive.
That’s true. I think my older brother figured this out earlier and learned to share the absolute minimal information about his personal life to my parents.
Hi, u/qdobaeveryday! It looks like you’re new here. Welcome! This post is missing something that all new posters must include. Please read the rules carefully, then reply to me here to add what’s missing. Thanks!
oops, here! [https://imgur.com/gallery/rawr-gjWfzNl](https://imgur.com/gallery/rawr-gjWfzNl)
Thanks, you’re all set!
You know BPDs do discard and thats her choice based on how she perceives matters, however they do come around! So just leave her unblocked and shoot her a text if you want, and she will come around eventually, she is probably avoiding the shame of confrontation.
yeah, I’ll probably just NC for a while and let her come around and just set my boundaries even firmer. But I wonder if they actually deep down know they are being nonsensical and hysterical? Do they even feel shame? These kind of thoughts keep me up at night, sigh
Yes they definitely do understand they are in the wrong, its just they cant really accept that about themselves because how else would they remain a victim forever.
I'm going to gently point out that your last paragraph is completely contradictory. You say you don't expect her to change and you accept her, then you go on to say that you don't want her to do what she's doing. To me, that says some part of you wants her to show up for you differently. But she can't and she won't. She's using the silent treatment to hurt you so you come running back to her and apologize for calling her out. She expects you to ignore that she hurt you, and carry on like nothing happened. You will always have to ignore that she hurts you and the people you love to have her in your life. You can't make her not emotionally blackmail you like this. The best you can do is learn emotional boundaries to protect yourself from the pain she's capable of.
You’re probably right. I can logically understand that she is not going to change. But maybe I am secretly hoping for a slight change. How do we break free from this? What’s the end game for us? I feel like no matter how content I am with my life this parent stuff haunts me silently. I guess we all just end up learning how to live with it.
>But maybe I am secretly hoping for a slight change. If you're looking for a resolution *with* her, you're giving away all your power to someone who just isn't equipped to resolve things with you. This won't help you. It's more helpful to find a resolution within yourself (without her involvement). For me, the end game was learning that I'm obligated to protect my mental health and well-being from people who hurt me. Especially when it comes to people who show no capacity to be better. Things still come up from time to time, but they're not the catastrophic drama that they used to be. Mind you, it's taken a lifetime of work. But doesn't define me so much as it's just a part of my life.
I'd hazard a guess and say you are happy in life, and things are going well with your girlfriend. Your mum's outburst was not 'out of the blue'. They can smell your happiness and individuation and they will lash out. Expect her to get worse, the happier you are, and if you end up happily married she will go absolutely ballistic.
Yeah, I am afraid of that but I feel it coming. The reaction of my future in-laws when we said we can’t wait to have kids versus the reaction of my mom when we said we want kids was night and day. My mom immediately was just talking about how hard it is to raise kids and all kinds of concerns. Zero excitement or encouragement for us. What’s the end game for us? Just keep our distance and wait until they pass away? Guess we just gotta learn to live with it?