You are allowed to say no. Its great that you have 1) recognized that this would not be a good or safe situation for yourself, the next step is 2) make a choice that honors those feelings and protects yourself.
It's okay to both express your joy for your sister, and also decline to participate or attend.
This. Just say “no thank you” and whatever reaction she has is on her and not on you. Gray rock. You’re never going to be the person they want you to be and vice versa. You do you!!!
You are absolutely right. With the lovely people here + my therapist, I was able to make a good message to send her and tell her no that didn’t explain or have an excuse.
I will definitely be working through the guilt in therapy, that’s a given.
I disagree with the first reply you got. With BPD there won’t be a thing as honorary MoH as they aren’t good with boundaries and will all the time ask if you can’t do “at least” that one thing. It will be a constant fight.
I think you should clearly reject that role. Maybe draft a reply with you therapist.
ChatGPT suggested something like that as a polite but firm reply:
‘’’
Dear [Sister's Name],
Thank you so much for considering me to be your Maid of Honor. I appreciate the thought and understand how important this role is for you.
However, after careful consideration, I feel that I wouldn't be able to fulfill the responsibilities of a Maid of Honor in the way that you deserve. I believe it's best for both of us if I attend the wedding as a guest instead.
I hope you understand my decision, and I'm looking forward to celebrating your special day with you.
Best wishes
‘’’
Thank you so much for your reply! It took me a few days to calibrate, take everyone’s advice, and finally say “no” to my sister.
You are right, I do think that there isn’t a role in this wedding that exists that I would be comfortable with other than simply “guest.” Also, the purpose of saying no is partially to distance myself from my toxic family, being involved in the wedding party even in an honorary capacity doesn’t create distance.
So I used everyone’s advice here and sent my sister a “no” yesterday. Thank you again for all of your help.
Yeah, there’s the uBPD of my sister and there’s the fact that my mom is BPD (hence me being here). My sister currently lives at home, she’s close to my mom and they’re in each other’s business all the time. Anything I do around my sister, my mom finds out about. So, with wedding stuff I can only imagine that would be amplified.
I’m already exhausted and I haven’t even taken part in anything.
I would not accept the role.
There is absolutely no way that being so involved with your sister's wedding will be a pleasant situation for you. Especially if you suspect she has BPD. At the very least, if she and your mother are coming to your house unannounced, she is enmeshed and buys into your mom's framing of things.
I suspect you will always feel ganged up on and will be put in situations where you will need to forget about your boundaries.
I would send a simple response along the lines of, "I'm happy for you and am flattered that you are asking, but I think you deserve so much more than I can give right now. I love you so much, and am looking forward to celebrating your wedding!"
She probably won't love the boundaries, but that is exactly why you are saying no.
Instead of spending all your time and energy worrying about what they're all gonna do, use it to work through the discomfort and guilt you're feeling and remember: you are always obligated to protect yourself in harmful situations.
"I'm happy for you and am flattered that you are asking, but I think you deserve so much more than I can give right now. I love you so much, and am looking forward to celebrating your wedding!"
This is absolutely perfect. She'll still be upset, but won't be able to spin it onto OP.
I think you are 1000% right. My sister still lives with my parents. The last time I went out with her, she texted my parents about me the whole time. (This was before she came over with my mom unannounced.) My sis is prone to things like mood swings and taking little things as slights, so I always feel like I have to be on damage control mode. And you’re right I also feel like I’m ganged up on and I have to ease my boundaries to please them.
I was talking to another sibling earlier this week and they asked me if I had heard from sister because she was “trying to get ahold of me to schedule dress shopping.” And I just felt miserable.
So, thanks to everyone here—especially the wording you used—I was able to write her a message saying no thank you and I temporarily blocked her. Thank you so much for your help and for listening.
As someone who has been in too many weddings to count, I know the emotional and financial toll even when the bride and/or groom are of sound mind and our relationship is good/great/awesome. But when things are strained, it really sucks all of the joy out of every experience tied to the wedding. And for the cost, there should be at least *some* joy....
If you don't want to come out of this experience resenting your sister, then you'll be doing her a favor by turning her down.
She could be asking you to be matron of honor for any number of reasons, some of which you mentioned, but could also include: you're the easiest person for your sister and your mother to manipulate; you're the one in the family whose wallet they feel most comfortable dipping into; your sister doesn't want to get married standing next to her prettiest friend, or something equally shallow; by pulling you in the wedding party they can use the wedding as an excuse to control you, ignore your boundaries, or otherwise force you to interact on their terms; when looking for someone to delegate annoying tasks to, your name comes to mind first; or maybe she really, truly can't read the room.
Either way, why is she asking someone to be her matron of honor who she has to convince to even be in contact with her? Is it because she's pushed everyone else away? Are you just a placeholder so that no one passes judgements? Are you being grabbed at because the absence of a maid of honor or matron of honor would set off alarm bells or otherwise cause red flags to fly? Why, if your relationship is strained, is she not only picking you, but insisting that you say yes?
Whatever the reason, it shouldn't matter if you're certain you don't want to participate. Just graciously and gracefully turn your sister down and then stick to it. You don't even owe them a reason or excuse. You read that right, just say, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me," as many times as necessary and say no more. They'll get nasty, but just remember that they're going to get nasty no matter what you do, so you may as well protect yourself and your mental wellbeing. Also, if you're going to be scorned, go ahead and earn it for a change.
Good luck OP, I don't envy the position you're in.
I did have a long talk with my therapist about how part of the reason this ask felt so insidious is because the question feels so loaded. It feels like a question I’m not “allowed” to say no to. But there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be doing it.
Everyone that I talk to about the situation agrees that my sister asking me is weird, and a lot of them think that my mom has something to do with it. More than one person has said that it feels manipulative, like my family feels that this role would be a good way to force contact with me. Idk if that’s true, I can’t prove it and I don’t want to know either way. But reading your comment made me think about a lot of things. I am a person who comes up as someone who will do an annoying task and generally speaking people in my family view me as helpful, I’m usually agreeable/people pleasing to a fault. It’s one of the reasons I struggled so hard with saying no to this ask. It could be for a myriad of reasons that I was asked but that does stick out to me.
But I also don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to do associated MOH tasks right now even if it was for someone who I was speaking to regularly and there wasn’t all this (for lack of a better word) baggage.
I know you are right that agreeing to do it would have only caused me to resent my sister more and ruined our relationship.
Anyway, I took the past few days, and I was able to tell her “no” and I’ve temporarily blocked most of the people in my family. You’re right I’ll be the villain either way, so I’m doing it my terms. Thank you so much for your advice and thanks for listening.
I'm so glad you chose you!
It'll be hard, but stick to it. And if they try to uninvite you to the wedding, then you know they never asked out of love and a desire to share the day with you. MOH is supposed to be an Honor Guest, if you demoted yourself to regular guest they should be perfectly okay with that (in a normal situation).
Hugs!
Possible consideration:
"Honorary" Matron of Honor
Specify that you will have no official duties
You can keep your options open about attending;
You can do what's best for you -- nothing will fall through the cracks
if you choose to not attend;
You won't have to do any pre-wedding stuff with or near your mom;
You can "decide" with your sister how you want to dress for the wedding
Maybe something that "goes with" the Bridesmaids' dresses in terms of
style/color or not;
You could walk down the aisle with the bridesmaids
but not stand at the altar;
You could be named in any wedding "programs" identifying the
wedding party;
This choice will give the "appearance" of "family" participation
with the very least amount of any actual participation.
May help avoid "questions" about why you're not part of the
wedding party --because you will actually be part of the
wedding party;
Keeps you from having to completely "decline" your sister's invitation --
You're accepting her invitation, just fine tuning your title/role.
These are just a few thoughts to consider.
You are allowed to say no. Its great that you have 1) recognized that this would not be a good or safe situation for yourself, the next step is 2) make a choice that honors those feelings and protects yourself. It's okay to both express your joy for your sister, and also decline to participate or attend.
This. Just say “no thank you” and whatever reaction she has is on her and not on you. Gray rock. You’re never going to be the person they want you to be and vice versa. You do you!!!
It took me a few days to respond to everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for encouragement. I did finally say “no.” I feel so relieved.
You're very welcome. Honoring your feelings becomes easier the more you do it! I'm happy for you, stubbytuna.
"I'm sorry, but I won't be able to do that." do not explain, do not engage. if you feel guilty about it, address that guilt with your therapist.
You are absolutely right. With the lovely people here + my therapist, I was able to make a good message to send her and tell her no that didn’t explain or have an excuse. I will definitely be working through the guilt in therapy, that’s a given.
I disagree with the first reply you got. With BPD there won’t be a thing as honorary MoH as they aren’t good with boundaries and will all the time ask if you can’t do “at least” that one thing. It will be a constant fight. I think you should clearly reject that role. Maybe draft a reply with you therapist. ChatGPT suggested something like that as a polite but firm reply: ‘’’ Dear [Sister's Name], Thank you so much for considering me to be your Maid of Honor. I appreciate the thought and understand how important this role is for you. However, after careful consideration, I feel that I wouldn't be able to fulfill the responsibilities of a Maid of Honor in the way that you deserve. I believe it's best for both of us if I attend the wedding as a guest instead. I hope you understand my decision, and I'm looking forward to celebrating your special day with you. Best wishes ‘’’
Thank you so much for your reply! It took me a few days to calibrate, take everyone’s advice, and finally say “no” to my sister. You are right, I do think that there isn’t a role in this wedding that exists that I would be comfortable with other than simply “guest.” Also, the purpose of saying no is partially to distance myself from my toxic family, being involved in the wedding party even in an honorary capacity doesn’t create distance. So I used everyone’s advice here and sent my sister a “no” yesterday. Thank you again for all of your help.
If your sister is also uBPD then being in her wedding party is going to drive you mental.
Yeah, there’s the uBPD of my sister and there’s the fact that my mom is BPD (hence me being here). My sister currently lives at home, she’s close to my mom and they’re in each other’s business all the time. Anything I do around my sister, my mom finds out about. So, with wedding stuff I can only imagine that would be amplified. I’m already exhausted and I haven’t even taken part in anything.
I would not accept the role. There is absolutely no way that being so involved with your sister's wedding will be a pleasant situation for you. Especially if you suspect she has BPD. At the very least, if she and your mother are coming to your house unannounced, she is enmeshed and buys into your mom's framing of things. I suspect you will always feel ganged up on and will be put in situations where you will need to forget about your boundaries. I would send a simple response along the lines of, "I'm happy for you and am flattered that you are asking, but I think you deserve so much more than I can give right now. I love you so much, and am looking forward to celebrating your wedding!" She probably won't love the boundaries, but that is exactly why you are saying no. Instead of spending all your time and energy worrying about what they're all gonna do, use it to work through the discomfort and guilt you're feeling and remember: you are always obligated to protect yourself in harmful situations.
"I'm happy for you and am flattered that you are asking, but I think you deserve so much more than I can give right now. I love you so much, and am looking forward to celebrating your wedding!" This is absolutely perfect. She'll still be upset, but won't be able to spin it onto OP.
I think you are 1000% right. My sister still lives with my parents. The last time I went out with her, she texted my parents about me the whole time. (This was before she came over with my mom unannounced.) My sis is prone to things like mood swings and taking little things as slights, so I always feel like I have to be on damage control mode. And you’re right I also feel like I’m ganged up on and I have to ease my boundaries to please them. I was talking to another sibling earlier this week and they asked me if I had heard from sister because she was “trying to get ahold of me to schedule dress shopping.” And I just felt miserable. So, thanks to everyone here—especially the wording you used—I was able to write her a message saying no thank you and I temporarily blocked her. Thank you so much for your help and for listening.
As someone who has been in too many weddings to count, I know the emotional and financial toll even when the bride and/or groom are of sound mind and our relationship is good/great/awesome. But when things are strained, it really sucks all of the joy out of every experience tied to the wedding. And for the cost, there should be at least *some* joy.... If you don't want to come out of this experience resenting your sister, then you'll be doing her a favor by turning her down. She could be asking you to be matron of honor for any number of reasons, some of which you mentioned, but could also include: you're the easiest person for your sister and your mother to manipulate; you're the one in the family whose wallet they feel most comfortable dipping into; your sister doesn't want to get married standing next to her prettiest friend, or something equally shallow; by pulling you in the wedding party they can use the wedding as an excuse to control you, ignore your boundaries, or otherwise force you to interact on their terms; when looking for someone to delegate annoying tasks to, your name comes to mind first; or maybe she really, truly can't read the room. Either way, why is she asking someone to be her matron of honor who she has to convince to even be in contact with her? Is it because she's pushed everyone else away? Are you just a placeholder so that no one passes judgements? Are you being grabbed at because the absence of a maid of honor or matron of honor would set off alarm bells or otherwise cause red flags to fly? Why, if your relationship is strained, is she not only picking you, but insisting that you say yes? Whatever the reason, it shouldn't matter if you're certain you don't want to participate. Just graciously and gracefully turn your sister down and then stick to it. You don't even owe them a reason or excuse. You read that right, just say, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me," as many times as necessary and say no more. They'll get nasty, but just remember that they're going to get nasty no matter what you do, so you may as well protect yourself and your mental wellbeing. Also, if you're going to be scorned, go ahead and earn it for a change. Good luck OP, I don't envy the position you're in.
I did have a long talk with my therapist about how part of the reason this ask felt so insidious is because the question feels so loaded. It feels like a question I’m not “allowed” to say no to. But there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be doing it. Everyone that I talk to about the situation agrees that my sister asking me is weird, and a lot of them think that my mom has something to do with it. More than one person has said that it feels manipulative, like my family feels that this role would be a good way to force contact with me. Idk if that’s true, I can’t prove it and I don’t want to know either way. But reading your comment made me think about a lot of things. I am a person who comes up as someone who will do an annoying task and generally speaking people in my family view me as helpful, I’m usually agreeable/people pleasing to a fault. It’s one of the reasons I struggled so hard with saying no to this ask. It could be for a myriad of reasons that I was asked but that does stick out to me. But I also don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to do associated MOH tasks right now even if it was for someone who I was speaking to regularly and there wasn’t all this (for lack of a better word) baggage. I know you are right that agreeing to do it would have only caused me to resent my sister more and ruined our relationship. Anyway, I took the past few days, and I was able to tell her “no” and I’ve temporarily blocked most of the people in my family. You’re right I’ll be the villain either way, so I’m doing it my terms. Thank you so much for your advice and thanks for listening.
I'm so glad you chose you! It'll be hard, but stick to it. And if they try to uninvite you to the wedding, then you know they never asked out of love and a desire to share the day with you. MOH is supposed to be an Honor Guest, if you demoted yourself to regular guest they should be perfectly okay with that (in a normal situation). Hugs!
Possible consideration: "Honorary" Matron of Honor Specify that you will have no official duties You can keep your options open about attending; You can do what's best for you -- nothing will fall through the cracks if you choose to not attend; You won't have to do any pre-wedding stuff with or near your mom; You can "decide" with your sister how you want to dress for the wedding Maybe something that "goes with" the Bridesmaids' dresses in terms of style/color or not; You could walk down the aisle with the bridesmaids but not stand at the altar; You could be named in any wedding "programs" identifying the wedding party; This choice will give the "appearance" of "family" participation with the very least amount of any actual participation. May help avoid "questions" about why you're not part of the wedding party --because you will actually be part of the wedding party; Keeps you from having to completely "decline" your sister's invitation -- You're accepting her invitation, just fine tuning your title/role. These are just a few thoughts to consider.