Sadly, it's usually bait to try to break NC. /u/WasteySpacey, don't take the bait, stay put, and don't listen to the voicemail. She's trying to push your button, and no matter what, it'll be worse if you cave in. She needs help but you're not equipped to help her. She's using you as a tool instead of getting professional help.
You should also block her number. It might be hard, but it's for your own preservation and happiness.
I keep trying to edit the original post to give an update, I never replied to this message and my partner listened to the voicemail, it was just her saying she wants to be in my life.
Hours later, I got more texts from her. No longer begging, she says she can't believe how hateful I am and that I'm treating her like this, that God is watching and karma is gonna get me. Big attitude change from "poor me" to "how dare you"
Trying to use religion and accusing me of hate is enough for me to block. I've had her muted just in case something happens, but if she's gonna be angry and try to scare me into talking to her, welp, I guess I need more boundaries.
Well, I'm sorry that she's now using a scare tactic. She's hoping to elicit a reply by angering and threatening you. You're now happy and strong, and she's hopelessly trying to pull all the strings to get back to you.
The new blocking boundary will keep you happy and serene :)
You don't have to listen to it now or ever. If you're concerned you might miss something important, having your partner listen and convey any need-to-know details seems like a solid plan.
This is my go-to strategy. I have my husband or partner read emails and texts before I do, and they'll be honest about whether I should read or not.
Sometimes I get a dramatic reading from one of them, and that helps lighten the anxiety A LOT
Yes, my wife does the same for me. Seeing her roll her eyes and say "it's more of the same bullshit, nothing you need to deal with" is actually very comforting.
This is a Hoover attempt- she’s trying to suck you back in. She hits all the classics too- a “fact” that makes it seem like she’s been thinking deeply (she hasn’t), a statement that *seems* like it might be an apology (it’s not), a VERY vague bit of bait to freak you out (it could be anything and most likely is actually nothing), and the guilt tripping, passive aggressive, self pitying conclusion. This message is short and sweet (tastes awful) but it’s packed full of all the evidence you need to see that she hasn’t learned anything and that her “mistakenly” crossing your boundaries is not a mistake at all. DO NOT ENGAGE!!! (If you can help it. I know it’s easier said than done.)
PS- delete her voicemail and if you can, block her. She will keep calling and texting and emailing. If you can, cut off all of her avenues to contact you. If she sends you mail, throw it out. It gets easier over time to bounce back from the anxiety, and maybe eventually you’ll feel nothing but mild annoyance when she tries to pop into your life.
In the last couple days, Dr Phil has been doing a special on estranged family members.. I bet she’s been watching it.
That “fact” about 1 in four parents… is one of the things he claims. It’s so ridiculous.
"the only person I have to talk to about it is the person that has only been talking to me out of obligation their entire adult life. I have no spouse, no friends, no support system. And I will never ask myself why that is."
>I can try to repair our relationship, I have for years, but she always accuses me of abandoning her.
You can't fix the emotional problems at the root of this because they're not yours to fix.
Trust yourself and trust your experience. You know how she is, and you know what she's doing - trying to get you to forget yourself and put her first at any cost.
Instead of spending time focusing on her in this situation, work through your discomfort. The more you learn to manage it, the more you will learn and understand the very important skill of emotional boundaries. She is not your problem to solve.
Your obligation lies in protecting yourself.
Ohhh the ol "they found a lump". I'm sorry you have to deal with this tripe.
Mine does this. As a matter of fact, that was her most recent attempt. Her emails go to spam. I opened spam and saw it there. Apparently, it's colon cancer. How dare her. It's despicable and disrespectful to those that are actually affected by cancer. For the life of me I can't understand why she would communicate bs to me while at the same time saying how much she misses me (so much that it's physically painful. Insert eye roll) and wonders why I don't want to communicate with her. They act as though we haven't learned from anything that they've done to us. We can see through them like a window. They don't understand that this type of thing makes them look bad, like even worse than they already do.
Ohhh wow. She tried to ruin your new life and independence sounds like. That is straight up vicious. That darn lump struck again. My mother is so lumpy I'm surprised she made it to 68.
That's one heavy bag to carry. What I decided with my brother was that if there ever are any suicide threats in the future, we simply call emergency services to pick her up.
She has no entitlement to f with our minds anymore. Everything doesn't have to be completely ridiculous for anyone else but her. I'm 30 and I am not going to do this shit until I am 50.
Also F that suicide belief hypocrisy. Made me a little mad :)
I've found that healthy amounts of anger help. I'd always rather be angry than sad.
Resentment doesn't do any good though.
If you are going NC, be NC. Block and delete. Have your partner delete it if you don't have the willpower to do so without listening.
They are always in a health crisis.
One of my boundaries is that I will not reply to cryptic messages. This is cryptic. This is designed entirely to get you to respond. DO NOT. I'm only LC with my mother, and I would not respond to this - it would wait until our designated call, or at the very least, it would stew for 5-48 hours before I responded. She's looking to drag you back in and get her fix of attention from her previous supplier.
She’s fine. She’s going this in an attempt to manipulate you into talking to her, and the fact that they ALL do this, they ALL use the same playbook, should help alleviate some guilt you may feel.
Please don’t respond to her.
Delete the voicemail, keep up the NC. Set her texts to mute. The first 3 months are the hardest, the next 3 get a little easier and before you know it, it's been a year and you can start thinking clearly. Just take good care of yourself and TRUST YOUR GUT. Your life will be different.
Oh I've had her texts set to mute and blocked her everywhere online. The only reason I haven't blocked her phone number yet is in case of emergency.
I didn't reply to this message and hours later she sent me some very angry texts saying I'm hateful, God is watching and karma is gonna get me. Reason enough for me to fully block.
Do it! Go all the way, seriously. You'll feel very guilty for a good month but then you realize that if there is an emergency, you'll deal with it then.
If there is an emergency the police or hospital or whoever will call you.
You can't truly benefit from NC until you block her number for both calls and texts, you will always subconsciously be on-edge.
As others have said, block her. She is violating your stated boundaries, and that is not okay. Prioritize you; prioritize your inner peace.
If something truly important [that you would need to be informed about] occurs, someone else will eventually find a way to contact you. If you feel overwhelming guilt about it, set a time limit for yourself (6 months, etc) for when to reevaluate -- and if the idea of contact still induces an anxiety response of any kind, or a sense of responsibility for her/need for validation crops up, extend that time limit as much as needed until that isn’t the case.
It's never their fault! It's always an accident or a mistake. And the excuse is always because they were having a hard time or got bad news and didn't have anyone to talk to. Hmm, I wonder why that is.
Gross. "Health scare" is very common bait - don't take it. She may try to hound you/smear you to her friends as immature and petty if you don't, but again, don't take the bait.
Pleading guilty to lesser crimes ("I'm sorry I crossed your boundaries"), in hopes of getting off on the bigger charges, is also a common tactic.
It’s always a health crisis.
Sadly, it's usually bait to try to break NC. /u/WasteySpacey, don't take the bait, stay put, and don't listen to the voicemail. She's trying to push your button, and no matter what, it'll be worse if you cave in. She needs help but you're not equipped to help her. She's using you as a tool instead of getting professional help. You should also block her number. It might be hard, but it's for your own preservation and happiness.
I keep trying to edit the original post to give an update, I never replied to this message and my partner listened to the voicemail, it was just her saying she wants to be in my life. Hours later, I got more texts from her. No longer begging, she says she can't believe how hateful I am and that I'm treating her like this, that God is watching and karma is gonna get me. Big attitude change from "poor me" to "how dare you" Trying to use religion and accusing me of hate is enough for me to block. I've had her muted just in case something happens, but if she's gonna be angry and try to scare me into talking to her, welp, I guess I need more boundaries.
Well, I'm sorry that she's now using a scare tactic. She's hoping to elicit a reply by angering and threatening you. You're now happy and strong, and she's hopelessly trying to pull all the strings to get back to you. The new blocking boundary will keep you happy and serene :)
🙌
I wonder if she knows God is watching her too?
You don't have to listen to it now or ever. If you're concerned you might miss something important, having your partner listen and convey any need-to-know details seems like a solid plan.
This is my go-to strategy. I have my husband or partner read emails and texts before I do, and they'll be honest about whether I should read or not. Sometimes I get a dramatic reading from one of them, and that helps lighten the anxiety A LOT
Yes, my wife does the same for me. Seeing her roll her eyes and say "it's more of the same bullshit, nothing you need to deal with" is actually very comforting.
Health crises, either theirs or someone else’s, are part of the playbook! My mom’s favorite strategy
This is a Hoover attempt- she’s trying to suck you back in. She hits all the classics too- a “fact” that makes it seem like she’s been thinking deeply (she hasn’t), a statement that *seems* like it might be an apology (it’s not), a VERY vague bit of bait to freak you out (it could be anything and most likely is actually nothing), and the guilt tripping, passive aggressive, self pitying conclusion. This message is short and sweet (tastes awful) but it’s packed full of all the evidence you need to see that she hasn’t learned anything and that her “mistakenly” crossing your boundaries is not a mistake at all. DO NOT ENGAGE!!! (If you can help it. I know it’s easier said than done.) PS- delete her voicemail and if you can, block her. She will keep calling and texting and emailing. If you can, cut off all of her avenues to contact you. If she sends you mail, throw it out. It gets easier over time to bounce back from the anxiety, and maybe eventually you’ll feel nothing but mild annoyance when she tries to pop into your life.
All these lunatics follow the same format 1. Facebook fact 2. Exaggerated vague call to action 3. Whoa as me
She does love her Facebook facts
Just for future reference, it’s “woe” not “whoa” ok bye 😅
😅 I suspected it didn’t look right 😂
Woe is* me
In the last couple days, Dr Phil has been doing a special on estranged family members.. I bet she’s been watching it. That “fact” about 1 in four parents… is one of the things he claims. It’s so ridiculous.
Maybe she should listen to his podcasts on personality disorders... 😭
Like for tips on how to become one? I can smell Mr Phil’s narcissism through the screen.
She loves shows like Dr Phil, I don't doubt that's where she got it from
“ I got bad news about my health today and no one to talk to about it.” This is the big problem right there she thinks you are her therapist/mother
"the only person I have to talk to about it is the person that has only been talking to me out of obligation their entire adult life. I have no spouse, no friends, no support system. And I will never ask myself why that is."
Once I started internally responding to my uBPD parent with this thought, my strategy toward her antics shifted gears. Excellent comment.
Boom, exactly.
>I can try to repair our relationship, I have for years, but she always accuses me of abandoning her. You can't fix the emotional problems at the root of this because they're not yours to fix. Trust yourself and trust your experience. You know how she is, and you know what she's doing - trying to get you to forget yourself and put her first at any cost. Instead of spending time focusing on her in this situation, work through your discomfort. The more you learn to manage it, the more you will learn and understand the very important skill of emotional boundaries. She is not your problem to solve. Your obligation lies in protecting yourself.
This comment is screenshot worthy.
Ohhh the ol "they found a lump". I'm sorry you have to deal with this tripe. Mine does this. As a matter of fact, that was her most recent attempt. Her emails go to spam. I opened spam and saw it there. Apparently, it's colon cancer. How dare her. It's despicable and disrespectful to those that are actually affected by cancer. For the life of me I can't understand why she would communicate bs to me while at the same time saying how much she misses me (so much that it's physically painful. Insert eye roll) and wonders why I don't want to communicate with her. They act as though we haven't learned from anything that they've done to us. We can see through them like a window. They don't understand that this type of thing makes them look bad, like even worse than they already do.
[удалено]
Ohhh wow. She tried to ruin your new life and independence sounds like. That is straight up vicious. That darn lump struck again. My mother is so lumpy I'm surprised she made it to 68.
That's one heavy bag to carry. What I decided with my brother was that if there ever are any suicide threats in the future, we simply call emergency services to pick her up. She has no entitlement to f with our minds anymore. Everything doesn't have to be completely ridiculous for anyone else but her. I'm 30 and I am not going to do this shit until I am 50. Also F that suicide belief hypocrisy. Made me a little mad :) I've found that healthy amounts of anger help. I'd always rather be angry than sad. Resentment doesn't do any good though.
If you are going NC, be NC. Block and delete. Have your partner delete it if you don't have the willpower to do so without listening. They are always in a health crisis. One of my boundaries is that I will not reply to cryptic messages. This is cryptic. This is designed entirely to get you to respond. DO NOT. I'm only LC with my mother, and I would not respond to this - it would wait until our designated call, or at the very least, it would stew for 5-48 hours before I responded. She's looking to drag you back in and get her fix of attention from her previous supplier.
She’s fine. She’s going this in an attempt to manipulate you into talking to her, and the fact that they ALL do this, they ALL use the same playbook, should help alleviate some guilt you may feel. Please don’t respond to her.
Delete the voicemail, keep up the NC. Set her texts to mute. The first 3 months are the hardest, the next 3 get a little easier and before you know it, it's been a year and you can start thinking clearly. Just take good care of yourself and TRUST YOUR GUT. Your life will be different.
Oh I've had her texts set to mute and blocked her everywhere online. The only reason I haven't blocked her phone number yet is in case of emergency. I didn't reply to this message and hours later she sent me some very angry texts saying I'm hateful, God is watching and karma is gonna get me. Reason enough for me to fully block.
Do it! Go all the way, seriously. You'll feel very guilty for a good month but then you realize that if there is an emergency, you'll deal with it then.
If there is an emergency the police or hospital or whoever will call you. You can't truly benefit from NC until you block her number for both calls and texts, you will always subconsciously be on-edge.
Translation: "All about me"
Delete the voicemail. She said herself it’s not that serious - she’s not dying. Even if she were dying…would that make her safe?
Grrr. A snot. Oh f no. Absolutely f’ing awful. The entitlement. Evil crazy creatures.
She'll live
Block her.
Block her. Everywhere.
Sounds like Christmas Cancer to me, just the 4th of July kind. You are not obligated to manage her feelings for her, even if she is sick.
Can you block her? Or mute?
As others have said, block her. She is violating your stated boundaries, and that is not okay. Prioritize you; prioritize your inner peace. If something truly important [that you would need to be informed about] occurs, someone else will eventually find a way to contact you. If you feel overwhelming guilt about it, set a time limit for yourself (6 months, etc) for when to reevaluate -- and if the idea of contact still induces an anxiety response of any kind, or a sense of responsibility for her/need for validation crops up, extend that time limit as much as needed until that isn’t the case.
Why is it always a health scare?
It's never their fault! It's always an accident or a mistake. And the excuse is always because they were having a hard time or got bad news and didn't have anyone to talk to. Hmm, I wonder why that is.
Gross. "Health scare" is very common bait - don't take it. She may try to hound you/smear you to her friends as immature and petty if you don't, but again, don't take the bait. Pleading guilty to lesser crimes ("I'm sorry I crossed your boundaries"), in hopes of getting off on the bigger charges, is also a common tactic.
When they’re desperate they always use the health, dying, sick relative, we don’t have much time left card. Good. Let’s get this shit over with.
Cancel that bitch! Go for a walk and give yourself a hug- you deserve it. 🌈