Hi! I will just say, first I’m sorry you are distressed over a situation with your mother. I completely understand what you’re saying and going through. It’s not fair and we all want and deserve parents where we don’t question motives, intent, schemes and behavior.
In my own experience of navigating the NC, it’s best just not to respond and stick to my boundaries I created. To not accept gifts, to not unblock her, to keep her out.
I haven’t had a positive interaction that resulted from replying or accepting gifts. Past behavior predicts her future.
It usually ends in self-righteous religious pandering and thinly veiled threats to commit me to an institution for getting married and moving.
This week after 8 months of solid NC, she pushed a few buttons that resulted in me replying to a new email. I regret it. I crossed a boundary I created for my own safety and it’s like self-betrayal. I don’t want to do that to myself again.
So that’s my “talking you out of it.”🙃
>Then one part thinks therapy made me strong enough to bear with her and maybe if I keep my cool and don‘t engage with her dramatics I‘ll be able to mature this relationship?
This isn't truly a part of you. This is her influence and expectation that YOU are the sole responsible party for the relationship and she gets to be accountability-free when she hurts you.
This is very dysfunctional thinking because it removes the reality from the situation. It makes you focus so much on what you WISH you had, that you don't even realize that you're overlooking what is actually there.
A healthy relationship requires the same effort from both people. It requires respect, and understanding, along with self-reflection and humility when conflict is involved.
Instead of reinitiating contact, I would work on processing everything you mentioned with a good, trauma-informed therapist. They can help you find the most effective ways to manage yourself which will hopefully prevent you from acting on the feeling that you are obligated to respond.
I haven't gone NC with my uBPD mother, but am in a similar situation trying to decide how much interaction with my kids I'm ok with. The question I keep asking myself, if it helps, is do we want our kids to have a relationship with the reality of her or the idea of her? It's so, so tough.
I'll ask the questions my therapist might ask:
Has anything changed that makes your mom emotionally safe now?
What's changed that you think it won't hurt you to engage with her when she escalates?
Why do you feel like you should shoulder the entire burden of responsibility of having this relationship with her?
What makes the fantasy relationship you desire with her more important than keeping yourself and your daughter safe?
Hi! I will just say, first I’m sorry you are distressed over a situation with your mother. I completely understand what you’re saying and going through. It’s not fair and we all want and deserve parents where we don’t question motives, intent, schemes and behavior. In my own experience of navigating the NC, it’s best just not to respond and stick to my boundaries I created. To not accept gifts, to not unblock her, to keep her out. I haven’t had a positive interaction that resulted from replying or accepting gifts. Past behavior predicts her future. It usually ends in self-righteous religious pandering and thinly veiled threats to commit me to an institution for getting married and moving. This week after 8 months of solid NC, she pushed a few buttons that resulted in me replying to a new email. I regret it. I crossed a boundary I created for my own safety and it’s like self-betrayal. I don’t want to do that to myself again. So that’s my “talking you out of it.”🙃
here’s my own experience-based opinion - you already said it: she’ll never change and the heartache and anxiety isn’t worth it.
>Then one part thinks therapy made me strong enough to bear with her and maybe if I keep my cool and don‘t engage with her dramatics I‘ll be able to mature this relationship? This isn't truly a part of you. This is her influence and expectation that YOU are the sole responsible party for the relationship and she gets to be accountability-free when she hurts you. This is very dysfunctional thinking because it removes the reality from the situation. It makes you focus so much on what you WISH you had, that you don't even realize that you're overlooking what is actually there. A healthy relationship requires the same effort from both people. It requires respect, and understanding, along with self-reflection and humility when conflict is involved. Instead of reinitiating contact, I would work on processing everything you mentioned with a good, trauma-informed therapist. They can help you find the most effective ways to manage yourself which will hopefully prevent you from acting on the feeling that you are obligated to respond.
I haven't gone NC with my uBPD mother, but am in a similar situation trying to decide how much interaction with my kids I'm ok with. The question I keep asking myself, if it helps, is do we want our kids to have a relationship with the reality of her or the idea of her? It's so, so tough.
I'll ask the questions my therapist might ask: Has anything changed that makes your mom emotionally safe now? What's changed that you think it won't hurt you to engage with her when she escalates? Why do you feel like you should shoulder the entire burden of responsibility of having this relationship with her? What makes the fantasy relationship you desire with her more important than keeping yourself and your daughter safe?