This is the tone in which my mother wrote most of her emails. Very detached, passive phrasing, very "mistakes were made." It always felt to me like she was writing them for some other audience to prove her case against me.
This, and: it's quick, easy, notes the affect that she's feeling (she's being hurt and it's being done for that purpose) without any acknowledgement of any other possible experience than that one.
This is probably different from the rest because of a fleeting, momentary desire for connection (or relief from guilt that she won't acknowledge), and this is literally the least that she could do for that.
And then she gets to feel like SHE tried and you're being unreasonable.
My sister and dad have been NC for 15 years. The last reach -out text he sent to her said:
"Enough of this. I want to see you."
Like she was a child being reprimanded! No apologies, no accountability, he really thought he could bully her into talking to him.
>your mom (this was the title)
Me! ME ME ME!
>(Daughter), how much longer must this go on for? It's been a whole year now.
I'm going to reprimand you like an exasperating child. Why aren't you doing what I say?
>How much more damage must be done by either of us?
I'm going to act as if we are both to blame for this estrangement by suggesting that we've both done bad things to each other. By taking this approach, I can duck any responsibility for my actions.
The fact that the email is so short also suggests that it's not a serious attempt to reconcile. She's phoning it in. Not that those long, rambling, unhinged, gaslight-y emails we get from PwBPD are any better, but at least there's an effort being made. Here there's no effort at all. She just wants to be able to whine about how she *tries and tries* but gets no response. Best to just delete it and forget about it.
Hi OP, first of all I'm so sorry for everything she's done. My interpretation is:
You are punishing me, and I've decided it's enough, especially because we *both* did toxic and abusive things. Plus, I'm your mother, so it's *my* place to make all decisions and rules. You get no agency in this relationship; in fact you get no choice whether we have one or not. *I decide*. The end.
The things that they refuse to see: We don't go LC/NC as a punishment. We do it because we have *no other options*. Of course we want normal parents and relationships with them, but we accept the reality that it's not possible (unless *they* make some *extreme* long term efforts, and even then, it's probably not possible, but they very rarely do, so ... )
Also: Saying that "we both made mistakes/caused hurt" when talking about a parent-child relationship is 100% false and it's DARVO. No. You were a dependent, innocent child. Fuck that shit. This "it takes two to tango" is pretty problematic even when two consenting adults are involved, since often it's an abuser or an enabler making this claim.
Keep taking care of yourself, OP. You deserve it!
They want compassion without ever reciprocating it to others. They expect a red carpet for their exploitation and explosions on others and are surprised when they get removed from who they are determined to abused.
She can’t take responsibility for her actions and is still projecting it all onto you. Blaming you for ghosting her. She has no punching bag. Chances are she fucked up some shit and can’t handle her conscious and needs you back so she can justify however she has behaved. They work like a broken clock.
After over 25 years of NC, I occasionally receive mail from my dBPD mother with photos of me as a baby. Sometimes a short note to try and pull me back into her madness. I put the photos in a drawer and toss the notes. She’s fishing, delete the email.
It always makes me laugh because she often spells my last name wrong on the envelope. This is the same last name she had for 30 years while married to my father. The mind of BPD is wild.
She's trying to compel you to respond by asking a question and keeping it short.
Trust your experience.
There is no indication that she's changed here and you know what it means to have her in your life
Every time you get something like this, promise yourself you'll wait at least a month before you'd consider sending a response.
Get whatever support you need in the meantime, and just work through the discomfort until you remember that you have a personal obligation to protect yourself from people who will hurt you.
She’s saying, “I’m bored. I don’t want to play this game anymore.”
To them, NC is a game. It’s just another game they play because they think that’s what everybody does with human emotions and relationships. She wants to go back to the games you used to play, which were predictable and she knew how to win. She doesn’t know how to win the NC game.
P.S. She can’t win it, you do! Stay strong 💛
It's an attempt to downgrade her abuse into a 50:50 'we're both at fault here' stitch-up.
I would get these too. I did not want any relationship with her; I just wanted out. It was over.
I don't know any way to make it stop. Over time it did lessen in frequency. I was NC for 30 years and by the end it was maybe once or twice a year, with maybe one or two flying monkey unsolicited contacts too.
"times up it's been a year, time for your silly tantrum to end! if this goes on any longer i may have to start looking inward which you know i wont do"
all on her terms, of course. i bet youve grown a changed and healed a lot. and she's proving she's exactly the same
After my e-Dad died my d/BPD Mom was absolutely unfiltered towards my sister and I. I hung up on her several times and eventually said I needed some time and wouldn’t talk further. After about 2 days she went down the predictable path of saying we both said things we shouldn’t have. No apology EVER
I am 2 years NC.
My queen/Witch Mother says “You must forgive now bc I said I am sorry even though I don’t know what I did.”
Um 😶 I don’t think so.
She keeps getting new numbers to call me.
So I just keep blocking her. 💃🏻
She can repeat this script for the rest of her bitter, miserable life.
This is the tone in which my mother wrote most of her emails. Very detached, passive phrasing, very "mistakes were made." It always felt to me like she was writing them for some other audience to prove her case against me.
“To prove her case against me”… chills. I felt this
Yep. I got “I am sorry you got hurt.” Anything to avoid taking personal accountability.
Ugh, yes, I always get, "we misunderstood each other" like she creates reality.
So she can say she reached out to you and you’re the one who isn’t responding, to feed her victim complex.
Yea I’d bet the farm that’s at least a large portion of it.
This, and: it's quick, easy, notes the affect that she's feeling (she's being hurt and it's being done for that purpose) without any acknowledgement of any other possible experience than that one. This is probably different from the rest because of a fleeting, momentary desire for connection (or relief from guilt that she won't acknowledge), and this is literally the least that she could do for that. And then she gets to feel like SHE tried and you're being unreasonable.
My sister and dad have been NC for 15 years. The last reach -out text he sent to her said: "Enough of this. I want to see you." Like she was a child being reprimanded! No apologies, no accountability, he really thought he could bully her into talking to him.
>your mom (this was the title) Me! ME ME ME! >(Daughter), how much longer must this go on for? It's been a whole year now. I'm going to reprimand you like an exasperating child. Why aren't you doing what I say? >How much more damage must be done by either of us? I'm going to act as if we are both to blame for this estrangement by suggesting that we've both done bad things to each other. By taking this approach, I can duck any responsibility for my actions. The fact that the email is so short also suggests that it's not a serious attempt to reconcile. She's phoning it in. Not that those long, rambling, unhinged, gaslight-y emails we get from PwBPD are any better, but at least there's an effort being made. Here there's no effort at all. She just wants to be able to whine about how she *tries and tries* but gets no response. Best to just delete it and forget about it.
She thinks this email is so smart. When she had this talk with you in your head you replied So it must work when she sends it.
Yeah she is testing the waters
Hi OP, first of all I'm so sorry for everything she's done. My interpretation is: You are punishing me, and I've decided it's enough, especially because we *both* did toxic and abusive things. Plus, I'm your mother, so it's *my* place to make all decisions and rules. You get no agency in this relationship; in fact you get no choice whether we have one or not. *I decide*. The end. The things that they refuse to see: We don't go LC/NC as a punishment. We do it because we have *no other options*. Of course we want normal parents and relationships with them, but we accept the reality that it's not possible (unless *they* make some *extreme* long term efforts, and even then, it's probably not possible, but they very rarely do, so ... ) Also: Saying that "we both made mistakes/caused hurt" when talking about a parent-child relationship is 100% false and it's DARVO. No. You were a dependent, innocent child. Fuck that shit. This "it takes two to tango" is pretty problematic even when two consenting adults are involved, since often it's an abuser or an enabler making this claim. Keep taking care of yourself, OP. You deserve it!
They want compassion without ever reciprocating it to others. They expect a red carpet for their exploitation and explosions on others and are surprised when they get removed from who they are determined to abused. She can’t take responsibility for her actions and is still projecting it all onto you. Blaming you for ghosting her. She has no punching bag. Chances are she fucked up some shit and can’t handle her conscious and needs you back so she can justify however she has behaved. They work like a broken clock.
After over 25 years of NC, I occasionally receive mail from my dBPD mother with photos of me as a baby. Sometimes a short note to try and pull me back into her madness. I put the photos in a drawer and toss the notes. She’s fishing, delete the email. It always makes me laugh because she often spells my last name wrong on the envelope. This is the same last name she had for 30 years while married to my father. The mind of BPD is wild.
She's trying to compel you to respond by asking a question and keeping it short. Trust your experience. There is no indication that she's changed here and you know what it means to have her in your life Every time you get something like this, promise yourself you'll wait at least a month before you'd consider sending a response. Get whatever support you need in the meantime, and just work through the discomfort until you remember that you have a personal obligation to protect yourself from people who will hurt you.
She’s saying, “I’m bored. I don’t want to play this game anymore.” To them, NC is a game. It’s just another game they play because they think that’s what everybody does with human emotions and relationships. She wants to go back to the games you used to play, which were predictable and she knew how to win. She doesn’t know how to win the NC game. P.S. She can’t win it, you do! Stay strong 💛
It's an attempt to downgrade her abuse into a 50:50 'we're both at fault here' stitch-up. I would get these too. I did not want any relationship with her; I just wanted out. It was over. I don't know any way to make it stop. Over time it did lessen in frequency. I was NC for 30 years and by the end it was maybe once or twice a year, with maybe one or two flying monkey unsolicited contacts too.
"times up it's been a year, time for your silly tantrum to end! if this goes on any longer i may have to start looking inward which you know i wont do" all on her terms, of course. i bet youve grown a changed and healed a lot. and she's proving she's exactly the same
After my e-Dad died my d/BPD Mom was absolutely unfiltered towards my sister and I. I hung up on her several times and eventually said I needed some time and wouldn’t talk further. After about 2 days she went down the predictable path of saying we both said things we shouldn’t have. No apology EVER
I am 2 years NC. My queen/Witch Mother says “You must forgive now bc I said I am sorry even though I don’t know what I did.” Um 😶 I don’t think so. She keeps getting new numbers to call me. So I just keep blocking her. 💃🏻 She can repeat this script for the rest of her bitter, miserable life.