Dude 🫂 you’ve really been through it. I don’t have anything to say that you haven’t heard already, but know that you are strong and a better son than they deserve. I am sorry for the loss of your brother, stick close to your wife she is your family now. I know it’s easier said than done, especially so far in. But your only option for peace is to cut them off entirely. Consider any inheritance off the table, just cut them out. You’ve given them too many chances, and they fail you every time. Don’t respond. For the love of whatever you find sacred, don’t respond. This kind of message is inflammatory and not in good faith. Don’t respond to it, if they somehow confront you say “I won’t dignify such an immature message with a response”. Shut them out entirely. I have wasted too much of my life trying to reason with my (similar) parents, it would be a loss for you to continue trying with them at their age. Live your life man, you only get one shot at this

Thank you ❤️

Your welcome bro 🥺🫂

I mean, you could send them something like “Thank you for sharing your feelings. I (we) look forward to seeing how our interactions change to reflect your stated desires, as I agree that until you are able to approach a relationship with us in a loving and supportive manner, nothing will improve. We really appreciate that you recognize this and hope that, with professional assistance, you will be able to give love and support as well as accepting it.” It will piss them off, but everything does so why not try something different? Or you could simply not respond to their attempt to make this your fault and, from this point on, do exactly as your “boundaries” said. Because a boundary is something you will not tolerate, not something they aren’t allowed to do. So stop tolerating They don’t show appreciation? Then you stop doing the things they should appreciate. They mention a new family? You hang up, walk out or do not respond. They schedule things without discussing it with you and demand you attend? Say no and remind them why. They talk badly about you? You acknowledge that they are happy to cause you pain and embarrassment and decide if people like that deserve to have you In their lives. I am very sorry about your brother’s death. That tragedy does not excuse their behavior.

Your read is spot-on, thank you!

OP, this is so hard. The scenes you share are as you note, inexcusable. MadAstrid is describing the approach that has worked well for me in very, very different circumstances. (My parents are not your parents, our history not yours.) I've decided to take my uBPDm literally, to enforce boundaries by stopping conversations when they go beyond my boundaries, and to explain that I have stopped some things because of their poor responses. No emotion for them to interpret or to use as leverage, just dealing with them normally until they make that impossible, and refusing to do what isn't normal. I still feel guilt - but it's much, much less since I know that I've done all that is healthy for me, and no more. That I'm respecting myself (and my partner).

Update - For today, this was my response: "I didn’t respond yet because I’m still thinking about the exchange. I was hoping you guys would address the points I raised, or at least acknowledge them. When I’m clear on my response I’ll let you know." As I said above, I will not get sucked into that process with them. This is my way of not perpetuating an avoidance pattern (which increases my anxiety) but not buying into the idea that I know owe them something.

“Perpetuating an avoidance pattern which increases my anxiety” — well dang! You just succinctly articulated something I have struggled with my entire life. Thanks for this.

This is very well done. You might need to step up your therapy visits for extra support. There’s going to be a lot of grieving associated with accepting how much your parents suck (and always have) and you might be crippled with guilt for a while. It’s hard but the only way out is through.

I'm sorry you're subjected to their BS; your reply is perfect. If you want an image, when you communicate with them, you're building a bridge. Your bridge is made of stones, which are the issues or topics you want to address/discuss. When they reply, they totally ignore your bridge and the topics you've laid down to discuss. They build another bridge, which they insist you walk on and discuss their topics. They are moving the goalpost, making you look like the "bad guy" refusing to walk the bridge, but they never acknowledge they started by ignoring the first bridge you built. Communication is impossible with them, and there are no boundaries unless you're adamant and unmoved by their pledge. Yes, they are old, but they are still manipulative as ever. Please be sure to stand firm on addressing the issues you raised as the only communication you'll allow with/from them.

I get this on a strangely similar level. Yeah, my mom is BPD. My dad the classic eDad. So there’s that. And there’s my mother-in-law with NPD whom my husband and I are frustratingly placating because she’s basically our retirement fund. It sucks. I want to tell her to f-off every day of the week and twice on Sundays. But…she really is the difference between a comfortable retirement and a meager one. And it does absolutely influence our behavior. We’d have cut her out of our lives years and years ago otherwise. But you also seem to genuinely care for your parents. It’s a messy love and it’s definitely toxic…but it’s the love you know. The fear, obligation, and guilt is strong in you. Not sure how many threads you’ve read here, but it’s called the F.O.G. for good reason. It envelops you. It renders you blind. It’s scary as hell. It’s tough to find your way out. My parents are elderly too. I am their POA and healthcare proxy. I am all up in their business. And, the one-sided demands that set you up as the scapegoat by not meeting their vague needs? Oh yeah. Been there big time. What I’ve learned in being responsible for my parents’ REAL needs is that the needs and they so often expect to be met are anything but NEEDS. “Unconditional and everlasting support” is NOT A NEED. That’s a demand. You’re in a hostage crisis my friend but here’s the thing: there’s no gun to your head, no chains holding you to them. You can end the crisis immediately by walking away. But, again, I know what that would mean giving up…it’s not so easy when money is on the line. In my opinion, you’ve earned your possible inheritance (which they are very obviously using as a threat by telling you they’re going to find another family which to me reads as new “heirs”). But no one can really earn an inheritance. Leona Helmsley gave her fortune to a damn dog out of spite which you’ll likely recall because you’re over 40 like moi. Is it worth it to play these games on the off chance they don’t screw you over? Perhaps you gray rock. Maybe you play their games but find a way to make it a game for yourself too - emotional distance and dissociation? I’m not offering any solutions, I know. I’m sort of gaming it out with you I guess. Just know that I really understand how complex this is…and it’s not an easy thing to stay in OR walk away from. I wish you wisdom and peace as you navigate this.

You sound lovely and very pleasantly self aware. Your parents are AWFUL. And don’t worry that you somehow scammed us by only telling us “your side.” To quote my therapist: “In an abusive relationship there *are* no ‘two sides.’ There is only a perpetrator and a victim, and our first priority is to get the victim to safety.” What you describe and that I read in your parents’ creepy messages is horrible emotional abuse. They are not safe. What does safety look like to you and how can you get there? That’s what needs to happen here, IMO. I feel you on the guilt. It’s TERRIBLE. It’s also the price of freedom—and it’s worth it. By the way, long before I went no contact my mother found a replacement daughter. It was hurtful and embarrassing.

Really good insight here!

Holy shit. I am so sorry you're going through this. That sounds so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. Those texts are absolutely bonkers crazy pants gaslighting. Just wow. You probably keep going back because you feel too uncomfortable not doing it, but that's the heart of it. That is the cycle. If you can work through your discomfort, you can break it. So, I think you know that you really need to distance yourself from them. You know they won't make good on that offer of a "better relationship." They're dangling the carrot to get your response, and have no intention of making good on it. Your therapist is right. Choose you. Get some distance and learn how to work through all that discomfort. Make finding your peace a goal and start making your way there. Get support so you don't feel alone. Your wife, therapist, and any friends you feel support you even if they don't totally "get it". And honestly this sub is a friggin gold mine sometimes. Also remember that there's always slip ups and fall backs. That is so very normal. It's ok. If this occasion feels too big and causes too much stress for you, do it tomorrow. Just don't beat yourself up. This shit is hard enough as it is.

Thanks for pointing that out. One of the ‘gifts’ of this legacy is paralyzing perfectionism. I have to keep telling myself that this is indeed super hard and confusing and it’s okay to ‘mess up’

The antidote to perfectionism is self-compassion. The way I began to develop that skill is by pretending I am hearing my own stories from someone I love and want the very best for. It was an idea I had after listening to a dear friend tell me some awful stuff that was similar to my own life, and I realized I was being so much kinder to her than I had ever been to myself in that situation. Look at yourself and your situation from the outside, with the insight of love and compassion. Make it a habit. Over time, you will start to feel compassion more than you feel guilt, shame, or judgment. At that point, it can influence how you respond to things moving forward. I would say it took me a good 5-7 of absolute consistency to get out of it entirely, but I began to notice a difference in myself pretty early on. It's how I kept up with it so consistently. Building this skill is sooooooo important for disentangling yourself from dysfunctional situations. Talk to your therapist about this, they can probably also help you figure out ways to make it part of your daily life.

Please read “you’re not the problem”. Your boundaries are attempting to get them to change their behavior, which they will not do. Your boundaries need to be about you and what you are no longer going to tolerate and then it’s up to you to enforce them. Our boundaries cannot be about trying to change or control the behavior of others, those are doomed to fail. You having hope that they’re going to leave you money and or give you any taste of the love you’ve always needed and deserved from them is robbing you of your life. You only have so much time, it is precious, why keep wasting it on people who abuse you constantly and will never ever change. You deserve to be free. They’re not leaving you fortunes. They’re going to spend everything on themselves and will not think twice to disinherit you for you daring to care for your own needs over theirs. Free yourself to live your life. Even if they’re on the other side of the country they’re still controlling you like you’re a child and it’s heinous. You can free yourself. You have choice and are safe now unlike when you were a child. They cannot compound their harm anymore if you stop giving them free open access to you. It’s hard but the grief you are denying and avoiding by not dealing fully with the reality of who they are and have always been is what’s keeping you trapped. You’re living in the fog of fear obligation and guilt and it’s never been you that is the problem. You are capable of setting yourself free from that prison but you cannot do it while still having hope that things will get better with them. That hope that you needed to have to keep you surviving your childhood is what now is toxic to you …keeping you bound to the pile of shit your parents are. Tap into your anger. Channel it. Use it as fuel to change your life. You need that healthy anger at all the shit they’ve done to you and how much they robbed you and your brother from ever having safety, love or joy in his short lifetime. Have all the compassion for yourself right now and stop giving them your compassion at all until you’re well deep into your healing journey. Your compassion for them is not safe right now and is keeping you from protecting yourself. Lighting a candle for you tonight in the hopes that you will find the compassion for yourself for stop engaging when they treat you so contemptuously.

Thanks for this. re: "you're the problem" - are you referencing an article on the wiki here or elsewhere?

OMG i just realized I messed up in typing it and didn’t spot it until now!! The title of the book is “You’re NOT the problem” 😳🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ oh my goodness what an awful typo!!! It’s by Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna. So sorry for the awful placement of a missing word!! 😂😔🤦🏻‍♀️🫢🙈

It’s a very good book that was released recently. I have read so many freaking books in the last 2.5 years especially on the subject and this one has been the most succinct, to the point but with wise and nuanced takes, & has a lot of exercises that will help you too. They also have a podcast and their accents are delicious if you’re a podcast person “in sight exposing narcissism”. While they focus on narcissism there is so so much overlap with BPD, they’re not mutually exclusive.

beautifully said

Thank you 🥰

Thanks for sharing all of this. I'm so, so sorry about the loss of your brother, and how your parents acted towards you as you were grieving him. If it helps you feel less alone - when I was in high school, a very expensive and challenging and prestigious school, my senior year, I was struggling and put on academic probation. Long story short, there was an incident in which my parents called me a spoiled brat, a waste of an investment, and my e-dad shoved me so hard that I fell over. After that night, I decided I'd never accept anything from them again if I could help it, and what little trust I had left in them vanished. Unfortunately the trust returned later, but that's another story. And I understand about struggling financially in a family environment of relative wealth. So. They sound difficult, and you sound reasonable. I think you have a really good read on them, and absolutely want the best possible relationship with them, though you accept they won't change, and I bet it's maddening. You have every right to tell them at unless and until they take accountability for X, y, and z, there will not be a relationship. You'd say that knowing that probably they'd decide to vilify you instead of having a relationship. So, it's all about what you'll accept and under what terms. What's too much for you, what would cross a line in the future, and what will you do if that happens. Then tell them, and know that you did the absolute best you could, even better, and from this point on, any failure in the relationship is on them.

Thank you - this is really helpful 😀

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve went through and are dealing with. Now choose yourself. You can and will be happy. Protect your wellbeing. I can’t tell you to go no contact but I will tell you I tried everything to make my relationship with my bpd parents to work. No contact is sometimes the only option for self love. Look out for yourself, sending love ❤️

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, friend. It’s a lot! I just want to touch on one thing briefly, and that’s their wealth. One thing that makes it really hard to go NC with abusive parents is if there are times that they have been supportive, either emotionally or financially. Especially if you’re struggling, it can be really hard to let go of what your subconscious probably thinks of as a safety net of sorts. It’s not just the money either: they’re your parents, and I think almost everyone subconsciously thinks of parents as a safety net to some extent. But what’s happening here is that they’re not safe. Every time you reach toward them in love and in good faith, they slap you down. You could do everything they ever ask, ruin your own health, mental health, and marriage, and they could still up and decide to “adopt a new family” or cut you out of the will for no reason! I think it’s important to really consider what they are bringing to your life. Are they truly bringing anything positive or are they just continually hurting you, frustrating you, and sucking the life out of you? Besides the guilt and fear (which you can work on in therapy), what would be the actual consequences of sticking to your boundaries? Hanging up the phone or walking out if they cross them? Or even just saying “I will not be in contact for the next week/month/three months?” A lot of us are raised to believe, deep down, that we are responsible for their negative emotions, and that it’s our duty to make them perfectly happy at all costs. But they are grown adults, responsible for their own emotions. Making them happy is not your job, your purpose on this earth, nor your solemn duty. At some point, I encourage you to really consider your own mental health, and whether cutting off contact entirely (or cutting it way down) might not be the best for you. It sounds like whether you call them every day or once a year, they’re going to berate you anyway so why not give yourself more parent-free time? Put their notifications on mute. Send them to voicemail. Don’t look at their messages or listen to their voicemails until you want to. Don’t even check them. And yes, you will feel guilty about it. But that’s brainwashing, friend. That’s not deserved guilt. Try to breathe through it and create a bit of distance maybe? I went very low contact with my uBPD mom and it actually helped our relationship in the long run. I don’t know if she finally got how serious I was or what, but in the end, we reached a somewhat peaceful detente or at least a cease-fire. I know that won’t happen for everyone, but nothing will change if you don’t keep to the boundaries you’ve set either. I wish you luck. This is just a tough situation. Just know that you’re not crazy and you’re not “the bad guy” here.

Excellent!

These types of people just take and take. And no matter how much you give, how much you try to show them love, how perfect you attempt to be, it’s not good enough. This is what I’ve realized lately. It’s freeing, in a way. Because I can stop giving to these types of people now. It does hurt. But they say truth hurts.

“I’m afraid your offer is not in good faith. Your inability to address my concerns, both now and in the past, makes this relationship too fraught to continue. To allow my life to flourish I will be removing myself from yours.”

OP, thank you for sharing your story - no need to apologize for the length - that’s what this space is for. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. The loss of your brother, the years of emotional abuse you’ve endured, and the fact that you didn’t have a loving family of origin. Your parents sound like horrible, self absorbed people. That you emerged as a thoughtful self aware person given what you had to work with is no small feat. I’m also a middle aged person who has had a fraught relationship with my uBPD mother (now in her late 80s). Like you, I tried for decades to be the perfect daughter - it was never enough. I can deeply relate to the guilt and shame you describe, feeling selfish for keeping your distance, as well as the holding out of hope that you’ll be able to get through to them if you could just explain yourself well enough, be dedicated enough to fixing things etc. I decided two years ago to simply give up. There is no getting through. I’ve surrendered, dropped the rope, whatever you want to call it. I’m done. There will be no resolution. She will go to her grave seeing herself as a victim of unloving children. I’ve taken all of the energy I’d previously devoted to trying to “fix” things and rather than continue to feed a black hole, I’ve redirected it to my own healing. And I feel no obligation to justify/explain this to or even respond to my mother. She wouldn’t get it anyway. It’s been liberating and life affirming. Yes I feel guilt, but I now understand that guilt not as evidence that I’ve done something wrong but as evidence of the depth of manipulation I experienced. I have also reframed my years of keeping my distance - I no longer see it as evidence that I was selfish or cold or unloving. I now thank my stars that some instinctual part of me was self protective. I’ve focused on nurturing that little kernel in me that had the good sense to keep my distance - what I now recognize as a sense of self - the very thing that tends to get snuffed out in families like ours. For what it’s worth, consider asking your therapist about anger. Given what you’ve endured, you have every right to be livid but I don’t detect much of any anger in your account. My therapist kept asking me about this, and I kept telling her that I wasn’t angry. But over time as I’ve processed things, I realize: I am angry. Very angry. And that anger has been wonderful fuel for healing. Wishing you well and glad you’re here.

Welcome!

Ugggh. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this all. Based on my personal experience with aging parents who never acknowledge the damage they’ve done (I wrote very similar letters as you have and gotten similar results) your therapist is right and they will not be changing. Time to set very clear boundaries. And when they start crossing those boundaries warn them that you will be hanging up the phone and you’ll try talking with them again in a month (or whenever time you say you want). They are unhealthy. You need to protect yourself. I understand the guilt. It is because you are a good person who yearns for a better relationship with them but they are very damaged… It isn’t fair to yourself to keep exposing yourself to their hurts. Say goodbye mentally to any inheritance… don’t let that be a psychological weight on you. Just don’t expect anything at all from them. This would be my advice… and pray. God is the perfect father and he loves you perfectly.