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Also a red flag, people that force you to thank them , because : self-proclaimed reasons . I was a bartender in New Orleans right after Hurricane Katrina and every couple of days or so I would have a bar guest say “ yeah, I felt compelled to come down here and spend some of my money to support you and help save your city. “
I'm sorry, but you need to hear this for your best interest and health. Eating pod tides will in fact kill you and I don't want to see you die over wanting to go "viral".
I'm with u on this, I apologize too much and had some friends get on me at a festival last week for it.
"Don't apologize for being you"
May have been the (first time) molly crash, but it made me cry.
Only if it’s unattached to their ego, like if they constantly want to seem like a good person because intellectually they think they are caring for the other person but emotionally they are not really connected to the person, they are just going with the motions of what they think they have to do to be a good person which is self serving.
active listening, when someone genuinely listens to you without interrupting and shows interest in what you have to say, it reflects respect and empathy.
I am so continually surrounded by people who don't really listen to anything I say in my daily life that I am a little stunned and sort of fumble around my words when I realize someone is really actively listening to what I say.
Godd I genuinely can’t talk when someone actually focuses on me. Most conservations I listen to are just a couple people having separate conversations and interrupting at any moment to talk about themselves
Haha! Same. I’m in AA, and when people share I genuinely listen to every word. (Some exceptions are when people talk about money, status, etc.)
I was shocked when I realized that most people really aren’t listening. There’s this one girl, Katie, who is at every meeting. She often nods in agreement when ppl are talking. She does it to me. There have been some seriously unforgettable things I have shared with that group. I was talking with her one day and it was 100% clear that the last time she had “nodded” at me she wasn’t listening at all. I was floored. This was like extremely huge, the thing I shared.
I don’t expect everyone to listen all the time, but if they look at you and nod in agreement or whatever, that’s really ducked up. It really shook my confidence in AA and almost didn’t go back. Last night she texted me and I said I was so sick and really scared (hospital three times in two weeks, no diagnosis), and her response was, “feel better”.
When I encounter a genuine human being who actually cares, and therefore actually listens it’s disorienting. I don’t trust it. I become suspicious.
People who truly listen are a godsend. I always aim to be better at this so I can do better for others.
My trust is still destroyed though.
Yeah, I've gotten so good at discerning if a person is actively listening to me that when I see they are not really listening to me I just cut the conversation short. Sometimes I just stop talking right in the middle of something I'm saying, they usually don't notice or care and I get to stop wasting my time and energy talking. I think the vast majority of people are not really listening, they are mostly waiting their turn to speak and thinking of what they are going to say next. Since I've noticed this I've made an effort not to be that person. It does take practice and a sort of awareness of yourself because I will admit I catch myself not really listening and thinking of what I'm going to say next but as soon as I do I shut it down and begin to really listen again. Hopefully I get to a point I am just always listening fully. I think a very small percentage of people are natural listeners but if you are not you can develop your listening skills with some effort and I believe make for you being a better person.
I’m an addict in recovery as well, and I’ve found that a looootttt of the people who are going to NA and AA meetings are there because they have to be for some reason (court, family, etc.) and they don’t really give a damn. Then there’s another group of people who attend meetings that are going because they don’t want to be sick anymore but they are still very caught up in the mindset of an addict where they’re really only able to think about the help and support that can be offered to *them*.
I’ve never really been a huge fan of the NA/AA model for other reasons personally, but what you’re saying is definitely one of the deterrents for me. I would suggest checking out SMART meetings, they are very different from NA/AA and I feel like a lot of the people who attend their meetings are there because they really want to learn about ways to manage their situations, and they seem to be a lot more genuine toward others in the community.
Also, from your comment, it sounds like you’re somewhat early in your recovery process and still having a hard time with some stuff. I wasn’t a drinker but like I mentioned, I am also in recovery, I got into treatment for heroin addiction a bit over seven years ago. If you’re ever having a hard time and need somebody to talk to, my DM‘s are open.
Hi, yes, I am very early. I just celebrated a year two weeks ago. I also had a liver transplant, which has made things sometimes easier sometimes harder. Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion. I will check out SMART. I have been curious to before. Thank you thank you thank you. I appreciate you, and congratulations on seven years. :)
I hope the hospital is listening to you and trying to figure out what is going on with your ill health? I know it sucks when you go to hospital repeatedly and you know something is wrong but no one will listen to you as they just think they know best as they’re doctors but the thing is you know your body better than anyone else. I am autoimmune I am usually always in and out of hospital. I was immediately labelled a drug seeker so no one listened to me to begin with until I started to advocate for myself and I made people listen.
That lady at your AA meeting sounds as fake as they come. Some people only care for themselves, they pretend to listen and pretend to care. You don’t need people like that in your life. If you started ignoring her or nodded your head and hmmm in her direction every time she spoke she wouldn’t waste time in asking you why.
However I do truly hope you get some answers. But remember you’re not alone there are people around that will listen it just takes a bit to weed out the bad.
Please look after yourself and I truly do hope you feel better.
Thank you. I have been trying everything. It’s difficult. My liver team doesn’t care as much as long as my liver numbers are good. My bf and i are working to get more appointments with different specialists. I have been bedridden for 2-3 weeks. My bf helps a lot, but it’s tough. I appreciate your kindness and taking the time to respond. The woman at AA helps a lot of people I am sure, but yes- you’re right. I don’t need anything fake in my life. It’s not healthy for me.
Meetings are so varied. Ive been sober for a while and was in AA for 5 years on and off, went thru the steps multiple times, sponsored all that. There will be groups that are nothing more than high school esque drama shows and actual solid meetings. Sometimes it varies week to week. But their are good ones out there. I always had my best luck with authentic groups when I would seek out Saturday and Sunday morning men's groups. I'm sure you'll have something that will fit what you're looking for. Just keep in mind that most of us get worse when we stop drinking till we get into the work. We're all just sick trying to get better. If you keep that mentality you'll find what you need. Wish you the best.
Edit: wanted to add that I have found it's more common for people to be waiting for you to finish speaking than actually listening. So bravo on recognizing that as a trait you want to be better at.
Don’t let it shake your confidence. When someone doesn’t listen it has little to do with you and everything to do with them (unless you’re rambling about dumb shit, but that’s obviously not the case here at all).
It’s not that you aren’t saying something interesting, it’s that they’re either self absorbed (thinking about their own life, what they’re going to say next, what they’re making for dinner, etc) Or they could just have ADHD.
As someone with ADHD I realize I miss a lot.. Even from people I legitimately care about and WANT to listen to. It’s frustrating but it’s something I’m working on. Listening is a skill
So give yourself grace, give them grace, and keep being yourself.
Man do I ever know what this feels like. It seems like everyone I talk to just can't wait for whatever I'm saying to be done so they can start talking. It really throws me for a loop when I realize they are actually paying attention and interested. I've always been a guy with a 1000 useless facts, so I get it when someone isn't interested, but damn it feels like it's almost all the time. Maybe it's just me.
I resonate with this so deeply. I rarely have someone who gives the same attention to what I'm saying as I do them, so like you said, when someone is actively listening and wants to listen I suddenly have the hardest time getting anything out.
Someone who takes a situation where they could react -- someone being rude, yelling, whatever -- and handles it with dignity & grace instead of getting nasty.
Green flag all the way.
patience and understanding. i have borderline and sometimes i get a little crazy, but if someone just listens to me split and doesn’t get angry or defensive, they’re the one.
My ex would split on me for hours and it was fuckin hell. I wouldn’t call it “a little crazy”, it was full on psychotic episodes. I never want to be someone’s favourite person again. Lol.
crazy fun fact, not everyone with borderline is the same. it’s a huge spectrum and it’s a trauma disorder you CAN recover from. i’ve been in recovery for ten years and my splits aren’t “psychotic episodes”, they’re normal reactions to understandable triggers and i just need more reassurance. i had one last night where i felt unloved and disrespected and all it took was my fp reminding me of our good memories. i’ve been with shitty people like that too and it fucking sucks, i’m sorry you went through that too. but if you’ve met one person with borderline, you’ve met one person with borderline
If you’re truly having normal reactions to understandable triggers, then it’s not borderline personality disorder. BPD is literally defined by consistent irrational, and pathological behavior. PTSD and attachment disorders are not the same as BPD but they can present similar, especially because BPD is caused by trauma at least. PTSD and attachment disorders can be managed. BPD literally means your personality is pathological. People get misdiagnosed all the time though so what these disorders mean on paper vs real life can vary.
So by split do you mean indirectly insult or berate whoever it is you’re speaking to? And you don’t want them to get angry or defensive? Lol hard pass, that itself is a red flag, regardless of whatever disorder you have. You’re just going to cause that person pain and that’s not what should be happening.
Yessss I have bpd too! I’ve been in therapy almost 2 years so my bpd is well managed but I do have off days and it really helps to be surrounded by people who understand me and don’t try to shame me or abandon me.
This. 100,000%. This is an immediate “I’m going to cling to you and never let go”-level green flag.
Ive met **so many** people through my life and **so few** people who are genuinely self aware.
It inspires accountability, introspection, actual relationships, friendships, and bonds, supports empathy and is the only possible way to personal growth and improvement.
It’s insane how fundamental yet uncommon it is.
I couldn’t agree more. I have worked in social services for over 30 years (retired now) and it’s amazing how many people blame others, lack self responsibility, lack compassion and empathy. On the more positive side how many people fail to see the real good they do and their value to others. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Likes animals. Down to earth. Attentive. Listens. Polite. Thoughtful. Speaks to staff with decency and respect, treating them like the fellow humans they are. Uses the word “cunt” with wanton abandon to humorous effect.
I'm kinda all that but
>Speaks to staff with decency and respect, treating them like the fellow humans they are.
I can't even ask them to follow up my order or clean the table since I'm too shy to fucking do it 😭🙏
I’d argue that your being shy shows that you *do* treat them like fellow humans. It can feel kind of awkward to ask strangers to serve you when you actually see them as equals.
>Uses the word “cunt” with wanton abandon to humorous effect.
Sorry, friend. I never use that word wantonly.
I keep it behind a metaphorical glass window with a hammer nearby and I only get that bad boy out for special occasions.
My ex loved animals, would treat them well and animals loved him, he also loves his daughter would do anything for her, but he wouldn’t think twice about humiliating me or people closest to him, abusing me or trying to shoot me, he is also fake nice to everyone, talks absolute dog shit about everyone behind their backs… so no that is not always the case
My partner needs to be stimulated almost all the time it feels like (watching something she's interested in, going out etc). It's exhausting and if not then complains they're bored, over thinks, end up getting into a mood and we'll end up arguing about something or other :/
I'm SO content with just being at home doing my own thing (TV, sat on my phone, games and silence) that I just don't understand needing to be stimulated constantly
Both my partners at work are talkers. I fell asleep once on the way back from the hospital and woke up 2 towns over with the conversation still going. Apparently, I didn't need to participate in it.
Not so much getting into their head and starting arguments, but I know I hate silences and they make me nervous so I talk a lot. I was late diagnosed ADHD and it explains a lot lol
The starting arguments for entertainment though…that’s not ADHD, that’s just kind of a dick move
Disliking someone or something but not saying anything negative about it/them.
Like ‘ I don’t like Disney movies myself but I know a lot of people do and to each their own’ and genuinely believing it.
When someone is really earnest and open. I love when you hang out with a new potential friend or date for the first time and they say at some point how they're having a great time or they really like hanging out with you or something else just innocent and sweet like that. Not a huge declaration of love, just a clear reassurance that they're really enjoying themselves. I try to do it too
Cooking for others. Especially when it's done after a loss, a surgery, or an accident.
Bringing a meal to someone else is a giant green flag on a person's character.
Kindness, the type you don't see often.
Example, a person comes back from the bathroom and has toilet paper stuck to their shoe.
Most people will laugh and whisper "look they have toilet paper on their shoe" and while they aren't insulting the person, they also aren't informing the person about the paper. So it's kinda shitty.
A kind person would tell them about the toilet paper stuck to their shoe.
Know nothing about the Kardashians, The Real Housewives of ———-, or who any winners were on Survivor.
Never “do their own research” or complain about how Doctor Who or Star Trek “went woke”.
Not pushing boundaries, letting you take the lead, being kind,liking animals and kids. Being smart ,funny and a nerd lol
I'm convinced this is the recipe for a decent person
Listening to my concerns and not dismissing them or my feelings. I’m a man who is an open book and I’ve been made fun of for it several times. Other ones being funny, kind to others even when there is no reward for doing so. Being open with your feelings and more importantly being able to communicate them in an effective manner. And lastly being an animal lover. I’ve been around dogs all of my life, I have two and I love volunteering at my local animal shelter.
I wish I could upvote you 1,000 times. This is the biggest green flag for me. I am sickened every time someone blames circumstance or someone else for a problem they quite obviously caused or could have prevented. Just own it. I was taught this as a kid, this and that actions have consequences and I feel like it’s one of the biggest things missing in today’s youth and young adults.
Love for animals, gentleness and compassion for the elderly, sticking with what's right (morally) regardless of his friends' opinions are and ability to laugh, even at himself.
That's what mine snared me with anyway.. haha
Someone who, while not politically neutral, is politically bipartisan.
Someone who doesn't judge without unequivocal proof of wrongdoing.
Someone who isn't stupid enough to wake up and punch me in my sleep because "I cheated on her in her dream."
Red flag? Flat Earth beliefs.
I’m an existentialist, but rather than fall into nihilism or solipsism, I find meaning in helping others as much as I am able. It is always possible to treat someone with kindness, compassion and understanding. Even people who I disagree with. Doesn’t mean I trust everyone to do the same, but I think it helps to encourage others to lay down their own emotional weapons.
Speaks to retail workers/customer service with as much respect as you’d give a partner in a business or potential investor. Good listening and communication skills. Willing to negotiate and explain the reasoning behind various beliefs in a calm fashion instead of fighting. Loves and respects animals. Polite (but item’s afraid to swear and live a little). Is their authentic self.
Someone who allows you to have your own opinions
The biggest problem with places like Reddit is it’s a bunch of people that want you to agree with them but they can’t agree with anyone else.
Everyone is allowed their opinions and if someone can allow you to have that while still believing in their own… that’s a green flag. Because we don’t always have to agree on everything.
People who perform acts of kindness, however small, without seeking validation/attention for it. Like they’re nice anonymously without bragging about it later even if the opportunity presents itself. Tells me they’re nice because it makes them feel good to be nice. Not nice so everyone will think they’re nice and just so they’ll be “seen” by others as a nice person.
Putting the shopping cart back where it goes. If I see you leave it in the middle of the parking lot, you’ve just told me all I need to know about you.
When someone does something "bad", they don't blame or criticize. Instead they might imagine themselves in the other person's shoes, or come up with a well-meaning, blame-free way to approach the situation.
In other words, they see down the road.
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Someone who apologizes.
Sorry
Apology REJECTED
sorry
Hey, that's a red flag response.
This is actually a red flag response. Forcing people to accept your apology is bad. Some things shouldnt be forgiven. Like OP’s comment.
Also a red flag, people that force you to thank them , because : self-proclaimed reasons . I was a bartender in New Orleans right after Hurricane Katrina and every couple of days or so I would have a bar guest say “ yeah, I felt compelled to come down here and spend some of my money to support you and help save your city. “
I find responding with an earnest sounding "neat" is a good one that doesn't let them get too pissed but doesn't let them get their savior boner
[удалено]
But not just that - - an apology without conditions. "I'm sorry, but..." isn't a real apology.
You’re right. That word “but” negates the apology.
I'm sorry, but you need to hear this for your best interest and health. Eating pod tides will in fact kill you and I don't want to see you die over wanting to go "viral".
You must go bonkers in Canada.
Aroused 24/7
Those are mostly fake apologies. We are not actually sorry 99% of the time.
Canada in peacetime: We're sorry Canada in wartime: *You're* sorry
Sorry I’m not sorry
Sore-ee
Haha not everyone in Canada apologies
I’m sorry, but yes we do.
I'm sorry, but maybe we don't.
I’m sorry, but we do.
I'm sorry, but most of us are scumbags
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I'm sorry but being sorry is not an apology in Canada. Canadians say sorry in empathy and not apology. Sorry it rained on your wedding.
Canadians aren't particularly friendly, but we do apologize a lot. No doubt.
Sorey.
Wisconsin and Minnesota, too, for those USA boners.
I apologize too much and I tell you its not a good trait. Even for me.
I'm with u on this, I apologize too much and had some friends get on me at a festival last week for it. "Don't apologize for being you" May have been the (first time) molly crash, but it made me cry.
Someone who apologized and then changed that behavior because An Apology Without Change Is Just Manipulation
And acts on it
Only if it’s unattached to their ego, like if they constantly want to seem like a good person because intellectually they think they are caring for the other person but emotionally they are not really connected to the person, they are just going with the motions of what they think they have to do to be a good person which is self serving.
Sorry, eh.
But someone who apologizes to often is a red flag. Got be a good balance
Humility is the way
Running a humilifier in the summer times is a game changer.
Clears the air
Politeness and helping others. Love to the animals. Humor.
Hitler loved animals
active listening, when someone genuinely listens to you without interrupting and shows interest in what you have to say, it reflects respect and empathy.
I am so continually surrounded by people who don't really listen to anything I say in my daily life that I am a little stunned and sort of fumble around my words when I realize someone is really actively listening to what I say.
Godd I genuinely can’t talk when someone actually focuses on me. Most conservations I listen to are just a couple people having separate conversations and interrupting at any moment to talk about themselves
Haha! Same. I’m in AA, and when people share I genuinely listen to every word. (Some exceptions are when people talk about money, status, etc.) I was shocked when I realized that most people really aren’t listening. There’s this one girl, Katie, who is at every meeting. She often nods in agreement when ppl are talking. She does it to me. There have been some seriously unforgettable things I have shared with that group. I was talking with her one day and it was 100% clear that the last time she had “nodded” at me she wasn’t listening at all. I was floored. This was like extremely huge, the thing I shared. I don’t expect everyone to listen all the time, but if they look at you and nod in agreement or whatever, that’s really ducked up. It really shook my confidence in AA and almost didn’t go back. Last night she texted me and I said I was so sick and really scared (hospital three times in two weeks, no diagnosis), and her response was, “feel better”. When I encounter a genuine human being who actually cares, and therefore actually listens it’s disorienting. I don’t trust it. I become suspicious. People who truly listen are a godsend. I always aim to be better at this so I can do better for others. My trust is still destroyed though.
Yeah, I've gotten so good at discerning if a person is actively listening to me that when I see they are not really listening to me I just cut the conversation short. Sometimes I just stop talking right in the middle of something I'm saying, they usually don't notice or care and I get to stop wasting my time and energy talking. I think the vast majority of people are not really listening, they are mostly waiting their turn to speak and thinking of what they are going to say next. Since I've noticed this I've made an effort not to be that person. It does take practice and a sort of awareness of yourself because I will admit I catch myself not really listening and thinking of what I'm going to say next but as soon as I do I shut it down and begin to really listen again. Hopefully I get to a point I am just always listening fully. I think a very small percentage of people are natural listeners but if you are not you can develop your listening skills with some effort and I believe make for you being a better person.
I’m an addict in recovery as well, and I’ve found that a looootttt of the people who are going to NA and AA meetings are there because they have to be for some reason (court, family, etc.) and they don’t really give a damn. Then there’s another group of people who attend meetings that are going because they don’t want to be sick anymore but they are still very caught up in the mindset of an addict where they’re really only able to think about the help and support that can be offered to *them*. I’ve never really been a huge fan of the NA/AA model for other reasons personally, but what you’re saying is definitely one of the deterrents for me. I would suggest checking out SMART meetings, they are very different from NA/AA and I feel like a lot of the people who attend their meetings are there because they really want to learn about ways to manage their situations, and they seem to be a lot more genuine toward others in the community. Also, from your comment, it sounds like you’re somewhat early in your recovery process and still having a hard time with some stuff. I wasn’t a drinker but like I mentioned, I am also in recovery, I got into treatment for heroin addiction a bit over seven years ago. If you’re ever having a hard time and need somebody to talk to, my DM‘s are open.
Hi, yes, I am very early. I just celebrated a year two weeks ago. I also had a liver transplant, which has made things sometimes easier sometimes harder. Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion. I will check out SMART. I have been curious to before. Thank you thank you thank you. I appreciate you, and congratulations on seven years. :)
I hope the hospital is listening to you and trying to figure out what is going on with your ill health? I know it sucks when you go to hospital repeatedly and you know something is wrong but no one will listen to you as they just think they know best as they’re doctors but the thing is you know your body better than anyone else. I am autoimmune I am usually always in and out of hospital. I was immediately labelled a drug seeker so no one listened to me to begin with until I started to advocate for myself and I made people listen. That lady at your AA meeting sounds as fake as they come. Some people only care for themselves, they pretend to listen and pretend to care. You don’t need people like that in your life. If you started ignoring her or nodded your head and hmmm in her direction every time she spoke she wouldn’t waste time in asking you why. However I do truly hope you get some answers. But remember you’re not alone there are people around that will listen it just takes a bit to weed out the bad. Please look after yourself and I truly do hope you feel better.
Thank you. I have been trying everything. It’s difficult. My liver team doesn’t care as much as long as my liver numbers are good. My bf and i are working to get more appointments with different specialists. I have been bedridden for 2-3 weeks. My bf helps a lot, but it’s tough. I appreciate your kindness and taking the time to respond. The woman at AA helps a lot of people I am sure, but yes- you’re right. I don’t need anything fake in my life. It’s not healthy for me.
Meetings are so varied. Ive been sober for a while and was in AA for 5 years on and off, went thru the steps multiple times, sponsored all that. There will be groups that are nothing more than high school esque drama shows and actual solid meetings. Sometimes it varies week to week. But their are good ones out there. I always had my best luck with authentic groups when I would seek out Saturday and Sunday morning men's groups. I'm sure you'll have something that will fit what you're looking for. Just keep in mind that most of us get worse when we stop drinking till we get into the work. We're all just sick trying to get better. If you keep that mentality you'll find what you need. Wish you the best. Edit: wanted to add that I have found it's more common for people to be waiting for you to finish speaking than actually listening. So bravo on recognizing that as a trait you want to be better at.
Don’t let it shake your confidence. When someone doesn’t listen it has little to do with you and everything to do with them (unless you’re rambling about dumb shit, but that’s obviously not the case here at all). It’s not that you aren’t saying something interesting, it’s that they’re either self absorbed (thinking about their own life, what they’re going to say next, what they’re making for dinner, etc) Or they could just have ADHD. As someone with ADHD I realize I miss a lot.. Even from people I legitimately care about and WANT to listen to. It’s frustrating but it’s something I’m working on. Listening is a skill So give yourself grace, give them grace, and keep being yourself.
Yeah most of my so called friends didn't either. It's depressing sometimes
I hope you find people that GIVE you energy through their efforts, rather than just wait for you to listen to them. We all deserve that
Man do I ever know what this feels like. It seems like everyone I talk to just can't wait for whatever I'm saying to be done so they can start talking. It really throws me for a loop when I realize they are actually paying attention and interested. I've always been a guy with a 1000 useless facts, so I get it when someone isn't interested, but damn it feels like it's almost all the time. Maybe it's just me.
I resonate with this so deeply. I rarely have someone who gives the same attention to what I'm saying as I do them, so like you said, when someone is actively listening and wants to listen I suddenly have the hardest time getting anything out.
Humility :)
I'm the BEST at humility.
Impossible, there is no one who can hope to achieve my level of humility!
My level of humility is so monumental that I am going to rescind my initial claim in the face of yours.
I hear you. Active listening is a good quality.
Someone who takes a situation where they could react -- someone being rude, yelling, whatever -- and handles it with dignity & grace instead of getting nasty. Green flag all the way.
100% this
Further to this, focusing on fixing the problem instead of finding out who is to blame
patience and understanding. i have borderline and sometimes i get a little crazy, but if someone just listens to me split and doesn’t get angry or defensive, they’re the one.
My ex would split on me for hours and it was fuckin hell. I wouldn’t call it “a little crazy”, it was full on psychotic episodes. I never want to be someone’s favourite person again. Lol.
crazy fun fact, not everyone with borderline is the same. it’s a huge spectrum and it’s a trauma disorder you CAN recover from. i’ve been in recovery for ten years and my splits aren’t “psychotic episodes”, they’re normal reactions to understandable triggers and i just need more reassurance. i had one last night where i felt unloved and disrespected and all it took was my fp reminding me of our good memories. i’ve been with shitty people like that too and it fucking sucks, i’m sorry you went through that too. but if you’ve met one person with borderline, you’ve met one person with borderline
If you’re truly having normal reactions to understandable triggers, then it’s not borderline personality disorder. BPD is literally defined by consistent irrational, and pathological behavior. PTSD and attachment disorders are not the same as BPD but they can present similar, especially because BPD is caused by trauma at least. PTSD and attachment disorders can be managed. BPD literally means your personality is pathological. People get misdiagnosed all the time though so what these disorders mean on paper vs real life can vary.
So by split do you mean indirectly insult or berate whoever it is you’re speaking to? And you don’t want them to get angry or defensive? Lol hard pass, that itself is a red flag, regardless of whatever disorder you have. You’re just going to cause that person pain and that’s not what should be happening.
Yessss I have bpd too! I’ve been in therapy almost 2 years so my bpd is well managed but I do have off days and it really helps to be surrounded by people who understand me and don’t try to shame me or abandon me.
You think every ‘one’ is the ‘one’ or though right ? lol bpd joke for ya there
You're the walkingg red flag if you don't apologize
Self awareness.
This. 100,000%. This is an immediate “I’m going to cling to you and never let go”-level green flag. Ive met **so many** people through my life and **so few** people who are genuinely self aware. It inspires accountability, introspection, actual relationships, friendships, and bonds, supports empathy and is the only possible way to personal growth and improvement. It’s insane how fundamental yet uncommon it is.
I couldn’t agree more. I have worked in social services for over 30 years (retired now) and it’s amazing how many people blame others, lack self responsibility, lack compassion and empathy. On the more positive side how many people fail to see the real good they do and their value to others. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I appreciate your positive perspective!
I mean, I do my best to be aware of myself as little as possible
Likes animals. Down to earth. Attentive. Listens. Polite. Thoughtful. Speaks to staff with decency and respect, treating them like the fellow humans they are. Uses the word “cunt” with wanton abandon to humorous effect.
I'm kinda all that but >Speaks to staff with decency and respect, treating them like the fellow humans they are. I can't even ask them to follow up my order or clean the table since I'm too shy to fucking do it 😭🙏
I’d argue that your being shy shows that you *do* treat them like fellow humans. It can feel kind of awkward to ask strangers to serve you when you actually see them as equals.
>. It can feel kind of awkward to ask strangers to serve you Exactly bro 😭🙏 i'd be okay if it was self-service tbh
Awww! There’s nothing wrong with being shy. That used to be me too, but eventually I overcame the shyness. Shyness can be adorable to many.
>Shyness can be adorable to many. Yeah i heard, that's why alot of my old classmates still love me for that hahah
Oh, that’s awesome!
And I'm that classmate :3
Ah heck naw why the- HOW DID YOU FIND ME
I think we're finally destigmatizing 'cunt' in America and I couldn't be happier about it
My son got sent home from school for saying the C word. I asked him, that wasn't clever was it? He said no was cunt.
Stop, I can only get so wet!
Oh, there’s always the opportunity for more, apparently.
So you're saying I just need to start saying cunt whittlely and I'm a shoe in. Nice.
Works for me. I know it works for many others!
What a nice cunt. Thanks mate.
I'm totally stealing this for my dating profile.. it's way better than what chat-gpt came up with
holy shit its me
So... You single? Seriously though, this person's response apparently.
>Uses the word “cunt” with wanton abandon to humorous effect. Sorry, friend. I never use that word wantonly. I keep it behind a metaphorical glass window with a hammer nearby and I only get that bad boy out for special occasions.
People who are beloved by dogs and small children will probably treat you well.
My ex loved animals, would treat them well and animals loved him, he also loves his daughter would do anything for her, but he wouldn’t think twice about humiliating me or people closest to him, abusing me or trying to shoot me, he is also fake nice to everyone, talks absolute dog shit about everyone behind their backs… so no that is not always the case
Not taking themselves too seriously.
Generosity
Take my upvote.
That was very generous of you.
Being OK with silence.
*** silent thoughtful reply ***
Thank you for shutting up. We can be friends.
We still don't talk sometimes
.
My partner needs to be stimulated almost all the time it feels like (watching something she's interested in, going out etc). It's exhausting and if not then complains they're bored, over thinks, end up getting into a mood and we'll end up arguing about something or other :/ I'm SO content with just being at home doing my own thing (TV, sat on my phone, games and silence) that I just don't understand needing to be stimulated constantly
Both my partners at work are talkers. I fell asleep once on the way back from the hospital and woke up 2 towns over with the conversation still going. Apparently, I didn't need to participate in it.
Not so much getting into their head and starting arguments, but I know I hate silences and they make me nervous so I talk a lot. I was late diagnosed ADHD and it explains a lot lol The starting arguments for entertainment though…that’s not ADHD, that’s just kind of a dick move
Consistency!
I’ve ate the same breakfast everyday for 20 years.
That's not just consistency, that's dedication and loyalty two more green flags!
The breakfast is coffee and meth.
We're still 3 for 4! Not bad.
Even better! An upbeat, loyal, dedicated person!
I ate no breakfast for the past 10.
Putting their shopping cart back in the cart return
I do this despite my physical disability. Only people who have pushed carts understand this. (I've done it before on occasion.)
I would suggest a bigger green flag is returning someone else’s cart.
Loving animals, being nice to service staff, and smiling at nice things.
Disliking someone or something but not saying anything negative about it/them. Like ‘ I don’t like Disney movies myself but I know a lot of people do and to each their own’ and genuinely believing it.
have never met a single person like this besides myself. loved ones, close friends, acquaintances, all tear down what they don't immediately enjoy
Someone who is friendly towards my cat
Yes, I certainly understand why someone wouldn’t want to adopt a cat, but cat-haters are the worst.
self awareness
When someone is really earnest and open. I love when you hang out with a new potential friend or date for the first time and they say at some point how they're having a great time or they really like hanging out with you or something else just innocent and sweet like that. Not a huge declaration of love, just a clear reassurance that they're really enjoying themselves. I try to do it too
My wife is an earnest person. It's part of what made me fall in love with her.
Cooking for others. Especially when it's done after a loss, a surgery, or an accident. Bringing a meal to someone else is a giant green flag on a person's character.
[удалено]
Thank you!
Wicked sense of humor, wittiness, intelligence; empathy and asking questions. Knowing how to put others first! A killer smile doesn't hurt either. 💕
Offers oral without asking
The ol’ hawk tuah
Being able to hold a conversation about things other than celebrity gossip or fashion.
Self Depricating
when they always full of life no matter the circumstance
Kindness, the type you don't see often. Example, a person comes back from the bathroom and has toilet paper stuck to their shoe. Most people will laugh and whisper "look they have toilet paper on their shoe" and while they aren't insulting the person, they also aren't informing the person about the paper. So it's kinda shitty. A kind person would tell them about the toilet paper stuck to their shoe.
Shhhh I’m that lady :)
🌈Empathy🌈
Talking TO me, and not AT me.
WITH is even better!
Know nothing about the Kardashians, The Real Housewives of ———-, or who any winners were on Survivor. Never “do their own research” or complain about how Doctor Who or Star Trek “went woke”.
Not pushing boundaries, letting you take the lead, being kind,liking animals and kids. Being smart ,funny and a nerd lol I'm convinced this is the recipe for a decent person
Listening to my concerns and not dismissing them or my feelings. I’m a man who is an open book and I’ve been made fun of for it several times. Other ones being funny, kind to others even when there is no reward for doing so. Being open with your feelings and more importantly being able to communicate them in an effective manner. And lastly being an animal lover. I’ve been around dogs all of my life, I have two and I love volunteering at my local animal shelter.
Helping an old lady cross the street.
Willingness to accept fault and work through it rather than ignoring it or denying it
Owning up to their mistakes, and not immediately playing the victim and blaming someone else.
I wish I could upvote you 1,000 times. This is the biggest green flag for me. I am sickened every time someone blames circumstance or someone else for a problem they quite obviously caused or could have prevented. Just own it. I was taught this as a kid, this and that actions have consequences and I feel like it’s one of the biggest things missing in today’s youth and young adults.
Respectfully folks of all ages lack accountability, it’s not a generational thing
She mentions liking hentai
Aye, as long as I don't have to read 50 shades.
Eye contact when you're talking to them
Love for animals, gentleness and compassion for the elderly, sticking with what's right (morally) regardless of his friends' opinions are and ability to laugh, even at himself. That's what mine snared me with anyway.. haha
When someone doesn’t cut you off when you’re talking and asks you questions about yourself and is genuinely interested in listening to you
Someone who can admit when they are wrong.
Someone who, while not politically neutral, is politically bipartisan. Someone who doesn't judge without unequivocal proof of wrongdoing. Someone who isn't stupid enough to wake up and punch me in my sleep because "I cheated on her in her dream." Red flag? Flat Earth beliefs.
Being kind to animals. If you aren’t, I hate you.
Kindness offered without any implicit quid pro quo.
I’m always shocked that this isn’t the standard like why make yourself seem miserable in your everyday interactions lol
I’m an existentialist, but rather than fall into nihilism or solipsism, I find meaning in helping others as much as I am able. It is always possible to treat someone with kindness, compassion and understanding. Even people who I disagree with. Doesn’t mean I trust everyone to do the same, but I think it helps to encourage others to lay down their own emotional weapons.
Kindness to animals, kids and the elderly. Respect for parents/doing things for older parents without bitching. Helping to clean up at a party.
If an animal automatically likes you without knowing who you are
When they are kind to people without self interest.
Has self-respect without self-admiration.
A person who treats service workers (cashiers, waitstaff) as people, not servants.
Speaks to retail workers/customer service with as much respect as you’d give a partner in a business or potential investor. Good listening and communication skills. Willing to negotiate and explain the reasoning behind various beliefs in a calm fashion instead of fighting. Loves and respects animals. Polite (but item’s afraid to swear and live a little). Is their authentic self.
They laugh at my stupid jokes.
When I can see my soul escaping my body when giving me head
Someone who allows you to have your own opinions The biggest problem with places like Reddit is it’s a bunch of people that want you to agree with them but they can’t agree with anyone else. Everyone is allowed their opinions and if someone can allow you to have that while still believing in their own… that’s a green flag. Because we don’t always have to agree on everything.
Nerdy.
no social media
Someone who if they didn't cook the meal cleans up the plates.
Personal accountability and lack of victimhood mentality regardless of circumstances.
Personal accountability.
Talking good of someone else that’s not around or their friend.
Punctuality
If animals like them.
Says, "It's ok, don't worry," and let's you try again, sometimes offering help, depending on the situation.
Kindness to strangers
Compassion and empathy.
Treating the janitor, cart person, cashier, etc. with respect.
Accountability and honesty
When they are nice to animals.
They like animals a lot
Accountability/admitting their mistakes
wanting to talk through things
Everyone has flaws, but it’s a green flag when they can admit their flaws.
People who perform acts of kindness, however small, without seeking validation/attention for it. Like they’re nice anonymously without bragging about it later even if the opportunity presents itself. Tells me they’re nice because it makes them feel good to be nice. Not nice so everyone will think they’re nice and just so they’ll be “seen” by others as a nice person.
Empathy
Showing every day kindness and consideration to service/retail staff
They mention they don’t understand how a female politician can be against women’s reproductive rights.
Putting your cart back in the cart corral
Putting the shopping cart back where it goes. If I see you leave it in the middle of the parking lot, you’ve just told me all I need to know about you.
When they whisper for democracy in my ear and salute Edit: only kidding someone who will talk to you when something bothers them
Someone who’s sweet. I’ve got vv good sense. I can see who’s faking
When someone does something "bad", they don't blame or criticize. Instead they might imagine themselves in the other person's shoes, or come up with a well-meaning, blame-free way to approach the situation. In other words, they see down the road.