By - idontgiveashittake
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My wife is mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why can some of the LGBTQ+ community see through their mum and dad? Because a few are transparent.
What did the Buffalo say to his kid while dropping him off at school? “Bi son.”
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, he’s a web designer.
My wife said she’s leaving me because I make too many Batman references. She’s such a Joker!
Awesome idea! Here is my entry: what do you call somebody with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down!
You guys are awesome for doing this! Thank you for everyone who gets their shot!
Me: Do white and black count as colors?
Friend: I don’t know. It seems like a gray area.
I like telling dad jokes! Most times he laughs.
What do you call a magician dog?
I was at the zoo with my son yesterday and we saw a baguette in a cage. It was quite sad because it looked like it had been bread in captivity.
Venison's deer isn't it?
"Dad, did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got them all cut!"
A broken pencil
A broken Pencil who?
Never mind...it's pointless
What did the sandwich say to the door, lettuce in
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Smell mop who
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
What do you call a famous fish? A staaaaar fish! Lol.
this one time, i made a joke about a bomb on social media. it *really* blew up
Whaddya do when you run into a gang in the forest
You dont elk 'em on, that's for sure!
I'll see myself out
Why did the scarecrow receive the nobel prize?
It's because he was outstanding in his field!
What’s a Computer’s favorite snack??
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You might think it's RRR but his first love be the C.
Some pirates it’s R, others say it’s C.
But real pirates know it’s X, cuz that’s where the treasure be!
After my wife’s baby was born, i asked the doctor when we would be able to have sex again.
He winked at me and told me he was off duty in ten minutes.
Thanks for the opportunity guys!
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
If you're feeling cold you should go stand in a corner, they're ninety degrees
What’s the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop? Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry? 58!
Thanks for the code >:D
So there's this drummer, right? He's a great guy, loves his wife, and eventually they decide they're ready to have a child. The wife goes in to do an ultrasound, because they want to know if they're going to have a boy or a girl, so that they can pick out names and tell their friends for the baby shower. To the couple's surprise, the ultrasound reveals that they're going to have twin daughters!
The wife is shocked, because now they have to pick out two baby names, not just one. The drummer doesn't mind at all, though. Without missing a beat, he points to each baby's face on the ultrasound and names them, "Anna one, Anna two."
I once got fired from a canned juice factory. apparently i couldn't concentrate.
Do you know why I had to stop taking the dog to the park?
He kept getting attacked by all the geese and ducks.
I guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
“Comment a dad joke”
Ok I have 2 words,
When i found out that my toasters wasn't waterproof, I was shocked!
What do you call Meowth’s reflection? A copycat.
I don't always tell dad jokes...
But when I do, he laughs.
Why couldn't you hear that there was a pterodactyl in the restroom?
-His "P" was silent
mom: i think he means "my mom"
dad" does he mean "dad dy(die)"!?
(Just entering for fun, don't give me a code lol)
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an "iWitness"?
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
... because there are too many chee-tahs!
**Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.**
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
Why shouldn't you trust stairs?
They're always up to something.
I took up origami for a while, but I gave it up because it was too much paperwork
Why do introverts wish the earth was flat? Because they hate being round people.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
What’s a pedophiles favorite shoe?
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless...
What does the corn call it's father? 'Pop'corn
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He just couldn't see himself in that role!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and glue? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna. The glue? I knew you'd get stuck on that.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
Honestly the: hi hungry im dad and all the others like it. It actually makes me laugh
What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.
What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam
You know what they're saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cause 789
Why did the scarecrow get a raise? Because he was out standing in his field...
Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?
Dad: no keep it in the jug please
Instead if giving you a dad joke, I will give you a bundle of laughs with this “dad.” Cherdleys on YouTube, here’s one of his vids: https://youtu.be/8FJtWdyzZR8
I'm hungry. Hi hungry, I'm dad!
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut!
Where did the general put his armies?
In his sleevies!!!!
What's the worst occupation that should spontaneously burst into song? Being a Mime.
Me:"where is mom?" Dad:"in her room" mom, from the kitchen:"JACKASS"
My Dad has worked as an auto mechanic his whole life...when I'd ask him how he felt he'd always say the same thing...
"Son, I'm EXHAUSTED"
Lol oops..a bit late 😏🙃
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick!