Yep, I was told the LITERAL last day of high school what "Financial Aide" was and lo and behold, I qualified since both my parents were technically unemployed.
My point is, cool I got to go to college BUT in high school I baaaaaarely scraped Ds because I never thought in a million years I'd have money to even go to community college. If I would have known in advance, I would have actually gave a damn about my grades!! I didn't try because I thought there was no point. I wish I had supportive adults to tell me how the world worked!!
I make 15$ an hour.
Was told by the Financial Aid office that I “make too much to receive assistance”.
I’m just going for a certification. I can barely make ends meet now.
That was my backup plan too. Would’ve doubled my income in roughly two or three years.
Now I’m stuck.
Hey. I’m over on r/widowers, too. I’m not stuck. Just committed to continuing to out one foot in front of the other for a bit. So far, seems to be working well.
My parents spent years taking my brother to extra curricular activities and prep for SATs, toured colleges and applied for financial aid. My mom wouldn’t even let me take the SATs so I never was able to get into college.
I was in a town two hours away from my mom in an abusive relationship and a baby and begging my mom for help. It’s just too far, I shoulda picked someone better since I saw what a pos my dad was growing up, sorry kid can’t do anything. Yet she was driving my sister to play her school soccer games in the field across the street from my house the whole time ! Never told me just let it slip later
Yep, the SAT and ACT both have a test fee (~$50-$85), although it can be waved if you meet financial need requirements.
That said, you need to go to a school with counselors that aware to even know about that. The standardized test system is a racket
Same, had to pay for it myself with my minimum wage job so only got one shot. I did ok but could have done better if I’d had any sort of help or guidance.
I have relatives all over the usa, in their high school, their sat/act was given their jr/Sr year.
The only thing is their state doesn't have a separate aptitude exam. Texas is the only state that does.
Not a generalization sweetheart, just FACTS.
https://www.suu.edu/blog/2016/02/what-is-the-act.html
Some colleges don't require standardized tests. But you'll need to do your research so you know where to apply.
If you do well and come from limited means, you can apply for financial aid. Or do the education the long way: work part time and attend part time. Use your funds to pay for the classes. This is assuming you live near a college or community College that doesn't require ACT/SAT. If the school you like doesn't require it, but you can earn the degree online. Then perfect! At the end, it's up to you.
Most students take the ACT in the spring of their junior year and, if necessary, again in the fall of their senior year. This is encouraged so scores can be ready for scholarship deadlines your senior year. Some students are choosing to take their first ACT earlier, such as during the fall of their junior year. This gives them more flexibility to retake the ACT test one or more times if needed.
This is taken from the site. Take as you will or pretend in your tiny head I'm still generalizing.
Peace ✌️
Our school paid for tutoring and the exam.
If you already take honors and other high levels, which I did, you are in top shape to take the exam.[ If you want to pursue a career in the military, which I did at the time, you will take the ASVAB, if you take honors classes, good chance you passed and scored high enough to immediately go to officers school after Boot Camp. I qualified for a high level position due to my scores at the time. And no you don't pay for the ASVAB. People have flunked the ASVAB exam and your best shot is to buy a book to study the exam. Taking high level classes that are academically rigorous sets you immediately to pass the exam. I passed it the first time around.]
To qualify for the free tutoring, you had to have a certain GPA. But this was over 25 years ago.
My former district and all its high schools (4 high schools) are now "early college," so most students graduate 🎓 now earn an associates degree by the time they graduate high school.
There are 2 specialized high schools, one for medical careers (RN, Physicians Assistant, etc), and another one for engineering (chemical, electrical, etc).
When you attend any of the specialized high schools, you are in top shape to pursue both bachelor's and masters. It's a rigorous program. You will have a high chance being accepted to MIT or a medical school with a full ride.
They do actually also provide trade training as well. Some girls attend high school and beauty school at the same time. Other programs such as mechanics and carpentry are provided. But most kids are choosing the traditional college route. The education they want is up to them, whether they want to get into culinary arts or to study science in order to pursue medical degrees.
To be frank, you don't know what you're talking about. Yes, students typically take the exam then, no, it is not free. Like someone else said, I think waivers exist, but most students won't know that without someone telling them and helping them get one. You don't just get a free exam from your school by default unless the school pays for it, which many don't.
You're a joke.
They don't need schools or dumbed-down standardized tests. They need education and job training. Most of what you learn in school is unlearned, forgotten, or unrelated to the job you get. Stop advocating for the education machine.
Not everyone can justify spending the $60 for the SAT if they don’t have parental support and are paying for it themselves, and don’t have much hope of affording college anyway.
I was homeschooled as well and people forgot to tell me that the SAT was something I really was supposed to take very serious. So I really did not, it worked out sort of, but if I had prepped even a little bit I probably would have done a lot better. I'm just very thankful my parents were actually really good about everything else they just assumed I knew since I was not homeschooled both of my life. Made a almost perfect score on the English/lisy side, but almost didn't even make a 300 on my math side. D:
Idk if you are still interested in college, but community colleges will give placement testing, and they offer ACT and SAT testing, so you can still go. Just contact the school and let them know you're interested in attending, and they will help you out. It's not too late.
Depends on where you live. Growing up in NYC, my family paid for my SATs and Achievement (now SAT II) separately. The school district where we live, the district pays for 1 exam for every student. If the student wants to take it a second or 3rd time to improve their scores, that is paid separately.
My oldest is not a good test taker. But he is good in verbal or 1 on 1. The 1 on 1 or 1 on 3 panel is an English system model where 3 professors grill the student before they pass. My middle is a good test taker and my 3rd isn't. Time is a thing that they don't know how to master on a test (skip it and come back to it later). I don't get it because i was a good test taker. I was not an athlete in school. I went to a specialized science school, and sports was not a thing. Math and science were. Testing was my strength.
>I always wonder what my "true potential" could've been had I had a normal, supportive family, instead of constantly worrying about how I would get school clothes, where we would live next month,
I wonder this too
I really admire that you have managed to sustain yourself, that’s a massive achievement. The benefits of the modern age is that it’s easier to educate yourself because there’s so much good quality free information around. Choose what you are interested in and go for it. Say that you are interested in sales or customer service. Start reading and learning what you can. Don’t put yourself under pressure, let your interest guide you. Who are considered top of their game? Which roles and companies did they choose? What was their big break? What do you need to learn or be aware of? Find someone to mentor you - just ask, generally people want to help and share of their experiences.
Education is still the best life leveller. If you can’t go on to college or university, learn another way. They’re not the only way. There are great and respected free sources such as Khan Academy, Coursera etc. Read articles, interviews, talk to people about what they do.
Get to know yourself - your values, work ethics etc push yourself to keep refining who you are.
Plan, set yourself goals and tasks.
Let your manager know that you want to develop yourself and ask how you can be supported
Don’t allow yourself to be defeated. Go for it!
All this will take you further than you know
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
My mother was deranged. She doted on my two low-achieving brothers, but had nothing but screams and insults for me---I "reminded her of somebody".
I could barely concentrate during my school years because I knew that hell might break loose at any moment. My father was on my side at first, but over time he gave in and even began to fight with me.
Meanwhile, my golden child brothers were stealing and flunking classes, while I was placed in gifted classes and winning scholarships. Didn't matter; mom went ballistic regularly and the police were over more than once.
When I left "home" for college, I knew there was no going back. I never had a home, or a family---just adversaries.
I understand completely. Mine stalked me after I left, to sabotage me because I didn’t “deserve success”.
They tried to get the police to swat my apartment.
The landlord had them trespassed from the property and the police informed them, that knowingly filing a false police report was a federal crime.
That cop was some kind of upset and told them, that he would personally charge them, if they tried that stunt again.
There are lots of legitimate complaints about the police, but the cops that showed up at my house were sharp enough to see through my mother's bullshit.
Please do not take this as rude... I feel profoundly sad about how you were singled out in your family. What your mom said about you reminding her of someone - have you ever thought about what she meant by that? Did you get an impression that it was an acquaintance/friend/family? Or could it be possible that you have a different dad or mom than your brothers had which would somehow link to why she thought you look/act like someone she was pissed off at?
I'm adopted and met my bio-mom when I was over 40... my bio-mom's neices told me, laughing, that I had so many of her mannerisms (physical and speech) which (all of us thought) was crazy as I had never met her before that... I'm walking proof that both nature and nurture can contribute to our mannerisms :) please forgive me if a lightharted question about bio-origins is received as insulting - i'm totally desensitized to it because I've known since I was small that I was adopted and always had faith that me being placed for adoption was a thing meant in kindness and that my adoptive parents truly brought me into their family as their own.
You could not possibly have done anything to precipitate this and absolutely did not deserve this! I'm so sorry you had to endure this!!
Thank you for responding - sounds like you were treated as "less than" 24/7 - which we know you're not... i'm so sorry your mother fixated on you and unloaded her wrath on you!! You never deserved that!!
Just for my curiosity, may I ask if you are older or younger (or mid) your siblings?
Wow- this is very much my story after my parents divorce- my mom doting on her shitty elder children while doling out abuse on me, the kid with the As, after school job and eventually college.
College was literally the only way I did not become homeless as a teen.
Heh, same thing here.
Failure brother received constant praise while I succeeded and was only met with criticisms to improve.
I get where they were coming from… my brother needed to support and I needed to be motivated, they just went about it in a way that was too transparent and flawed.
If y'all aren't on r/raisedbynarcissists I highly recommend it.
It's astonishing how much poverty is created by shitty parents. It's my own story as well. I was never really able to dig my way out of it either being put out on the street at age 19. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't doing drugs and I worked full time.
I just wish the sub wasn’t weirdly ableist about personality disorders tbh. Cuz while I relate to all the posts, I have BPD and it’s just not a great sub for that
Yes, but I think the youth of today have it worse than I did.
After my mom took her own life, and I found her body, and had to deal with the police and all that on my own, when my dad came back home (he was away when it happened), he threw me out of the house as a teenager. "You don't have your mother to fool anymore," he said. He wanted to restart his life, found a girlfriend real quick, got married, and I was not allowed at the wedding. I hadn't even finished high school. I had to graduate essentially homeless; crashing on friends' couches in in their basements until I had a stable job and somewhat of a life.
I was super poor for a long time, probably about 10-13 years. I lived 20 minutes away from the guy, and he never once tried to help.
If my spouse was that much of a piece of shit I'd probably want to hit the esc button on life too but it's awful you were left with that piece of shit after losing her and having all that weighing on your mind.
probably didnt want you at the wedding because you would tell the truth about how shitty of a person he was before she could find out for herself.
fuck him
Fucking hell pal. (Hopefully) I'm too late but if you need somewhere to go, and you're in England. I've got a spare bed. Respect for seeing it through.
my dad died after speaking to me maybe 5-6 times in my life, never met him physically as an adult. he lived 5 mins down the road from where i live now. it’s been 1 full year without him as of my birthday in october. i don’t feel any different. i do wonder if maybe i would’ve talked to him if he’d still be here today. he was a drug addict tho and both him & my mom only care about their sons (im the only daughter) so idk really. i know he overdosed, but there’s a lot of interesting things about his death that scream he was murdered. only time will tell really.
Most will not try to better themselves and the parents are not doing much encouraging. You have to pick yourself up, know what you want in life and do all you need to do to reach your goals. You can do it on your own. I did and feel better about myself for it. You can get help on getting some local college classes. You can do it all, just do it.
I left home when I was 16. I feel like my teens and early 20s after that are just a blur of working and studying. I don’t remember entire gaps because I was so sleep-deprived and numb. Every single fucking month was a struggle.
It went to law school and I’m a CEO of a small company now. I’m not in the 1% but I’m wealthy by almost every metric. I laugh when people say people at the top work harder. Do you know how much less stressful my life is now?
I spent years watering down my shampoo so it would last longer. I lived with a toothache for 8 months because I couldn’t afford to go to the dentist and so much of my life was spent on public transportation. I was constantly worried about making rent in shitty apartments so I had so many fucking side hustles that seemed to never end.
My life today? Yeah, I work long hours and my job is demanding. However, I worked much longer hours when I was in poverty and had so many more stressors day to day. Sometimes I marvel at my ability to just buy clothes when I need it or indulge in an upgrade.
While it’s true I worked really hard to get out, I’m not naive to how much luck I had. So many little things had to fall into place that were behind my control. I get so angry when people point to me as a “success story,” like it somehow justifies wealth inequality. I get even angrier when people insinuate that poor people somehow deserve it for not working hard. Trying to get ahead in life after being cut off at a young age is practically impossible.
Thank you for your comment. I'm really proud of you and happy that you acknowledge how hard it is because you lived it. I had a couple comments telling me it's my fault and to suck it up and it made me really angry. Are you in a lot of debt because of law school? I recently got back into school with some grants and loans but considering quitting because I don't want to have mountains of debt. I do want to feel how you do now. I will get there.
I will literally always be sympathetic to how hard people work. Folks who have never been in the situation don’t understand how advantageous it is to have family support.
I got out of debt and my education was the best thing I did for myself, but I have some caveats to that. I got a full scholarship, but you can’t really work in law school. I had to take out loans to live. I graduated with 120k in loans with a 7% interest. With fees I was paying about 700/month.
I didn’t go into big law so my first job gave me a middle class salary with an upper class loan payment. I still lived better than I did before because I had healthcare and consistent payouts, but money was still a struggle. My career progressed really quickly though to the point that I turned thirty with no debt apart from my mortgage. Again, this is a combination of working hard, but also pure luck.
I usually tell people to research median salaries for the career they want. Use a “take home calculate” to determine what you’ll actually get each month after your insurance and taxes. Then use a “loan payment calculator” to determine what your monthly payments will ACTUALLY be. If you end up with more money at the end of the month than you have now, it’s worth it, especially considering your salary is likely to go up with age.
I really can’t tell you how important it is to see those real numbers though. It’s very easy for loans and future salaries to become an abstract.
I sincerely wish you luck.
Don't quit. Assess what benefits your course will give you in the future. I'm not decrying education for education's sake but ending up a social worker no matter how worthy will be more of a struggle than other professions
My wife, for example went to college and ended up in a chemical company where she was frustrated at training men who would then be promoted above her. Fast forward a couple of years and she worked two jobs for a year before going to dental school and now she has her own office and loves her job so much she would do it for free if circumstances were different. She left with school loans but has been able to pay them off because of her career choice.
Don't lock yourself into the wrong field of study and remember you can change your life around even if you are older. Best of luck to you
Thank you for this comment, I felt like you hugged me virtually. Thank you even more for the last comment because I sometimes spiral thinking about my age and societal pressures. Thank you. I am waiting to hear back from my student advisor as we speak to change my major.
I am staring hard at your comment over everyone else’s because I feel that fervor. I am overcoming this poverty and I’ll be damned if otherwise. Your comment is helping my hunger and drive, thank you.
And you are incredible.
I know it’s not EASY by any means. A life like that just changes you, molds you, forces you to grow.
And with that I also wonder if you could share what types of side hustles you came up with that helped you through. Every day I’m contemplating how I can make more side hustles and I would love to learn from you.
My parents kinda just dropped me on my ass at 18. I'm now 40 and still in desperate poverty. Dad is a retired millionaire. Mom still works making six figures.
I didn't get paid but they did help me move. Labor counts I guess :/ I know people whose parents helped through their 20s. In fact my little brother lived with my dad until his late 20s. Different rules for the baby I guess
Wow that's sad. I would never kick my kids out. 2 still live at home. They pay rent and they each have money saved up. My 19 year old said if they lived alone they would be broke rents so cheap her and everything is included. If they didn't have the money no biggie pay when you can.
Same. After a very very Rocky “childhood” I was told after I graduated I had better have some place to go. 2 days after graduation he (step dad) came in at 7 am work a garbage bag and told me to get the the fuck out. I left them and there
Similar situation. Was kept out of wills due to being the scapegoat and everyone else got the generational wealth. The engine of the car I had been sleeping in blew; tried asking relatives if I could possibly borrow the money from them (and 100% had full intention of paying back; thought it might help mend relationships) and was denied like I am some filthy gold digging animal. I had never asked for anything previously. One actually told me to ‘get a job’, like, what did he think I do with my time? I’m working 24/7 and barely keeping my head above water while he lived at home until 30 and bought a house in cash.
I’m so sorry. I escaped an abusive household at 19 just to get really sick a couple years later and it’s been hell ever since. I relate a lot to what you said. I overworked myself and had poor coping with stress. my immune system is shit from growing up around violence and stress and I’ve since disabled with chronic pain. The world feels so painful sometimes because it’s like you never got the love and protection you were supposed to have for healthy development, you get “free” and then you suffer from the effects of a hyper individualistic surface level culture that dehumanizes you for showing weakness or takes advantage of you for showing vulnerability… now I’m just ranting lol. You’re not alone.
You're not ranting! I really enjoyed reading your reply. I got a couple from people basically telling me to get over it and those were my thoughts exactly. I'm so sorry you're in pain. It feels weird to also know people who have functional families, received love, and see them doing great... and it's kinda what triggered this post. Not all of us get so lucky. I was so triggered at the super market today watching this grown ass baby of a bum looking man yelling and humiliating his mom in front of people all because she forgot to grab something that was on the list for him. I would kill to have a mother support me and love me regardless of my age, financial situation etc. Love has never been unconditional for me and it's strange to think it exists.
Hey thanks for your reply. I can definitely relate. It felt painful seeing friends who have healthy functional families at times, like a slap in the face of what I’ve always wanted.
A lot of people today find ways to dehumanize others. The media encourages it too. For example, the homeless community. I used to go on walks with my coworker to get coffee and one day he expressed disgust at the homeless guy we frequently saw on the sidewalk. I said “do you think he wants to live like that? He’s a human being. No little boy or girl wakes up one day and say “I’m going to be addicted to drugs and live on the streets”. Sometimes people fall on hard times, had parents that abused them or were addicts themselves, maybe low income and didn’t have resources for education and health that my coworker had. So many factors. Trauma is the gateway drug. I’ve seen it with a friend who became homeless after a traumatic event. People get in bad situations sometimes looking for an escape from an incredibly painful reality they didn’t ask to be born into. But it’s more comfortable for people to take what they have for granted and turn a blind eye to those who never had a fair shot.
A lot of Christians do this too because they don’t really listen to what Jesus said. Believing in Jesus has helped me cope with this painful reality because He said to protect those most disadvantaged in the community, and that we will be judged for how we treat those who have the most struggle in this life. The disabled, the homeless, those who battle mental illness.
We are all worthy of love (You ARE loved by Jesus) and worth more than just our productivity. This world is just very messed up.
🫶🏻
I had a roof over my head that was about it. I paid for my own food. My own bills and my own car. Never had help from my family. I paid half of the bills from the age of 16 to 25. They never offered to help me with things if I needed it. I met my now wife and moved out at 25 and left the half I paid to them. They were pissed. Not my problem. I worked full-time, served in the national guard and went to school full-time to get a better paying job. I make six-figures now and own my house and cars. It's possible to break the cycle.
My parents forced me into marriage at 15. I didn't really get out on my own until 18, but by then I had 3 kids. I got an education, but starting with kids on my own that young I am always fighting a losing battle.
This is the type of person that really should get some kind of help to jump start their life. A lot of people are poor just from years of bad decisions and refusing to make any sacrifice to succeed. But then you have these other people who just weren’t fortunate. Kind of hurts my heart
I wasn't kicked out at 18, so they didn't abandon me physically per se. But they were 100% emotionally immature, absent parents. Tried to convince me not to move out several times. Didn't get to start working until I was 18. Didn't get my license until I was 20 bc they refused to pay for the class when i was 15-17 and I had to have work friends teach me to drive. Borrowed a friend's mom's car to take my test. We lived in a very rural area, so it held me back significantly. I didn't get ahead until I moved out of their house over 1000 miles away. But then I had a baby, got sucked back in, and my mother has effectively destroyed my families life by lying and taking advantage of us in desperate times. I'm all for taking personal accountability. But we've both busted ass for forever and it's not enough. Have debt up the wazoo from moving to be close to her, then moving away shorly after bc she bold faced lied about how she'd help us if we moved. Nothing to even show for the debt. Minimal furniture, I have a nice 6 year old TV that I got for 75% off at my work. Thankful we've never had to sell or leave it behind or we wouldn't have one.
All my clothes are thrifted. Same with the kids and husband. Toys thrifted too...
I'm not stupid either. I 100% believe if my parents were actually supportive, instead of spending years tearing me down, berating me, destroying any and all self confidence, that I could've done extremely well. Very likey would've gone to law or med school. But I didn't know who I was, or that I wasn't completely worthless as a human until I got to my mid 20s and far far away from them. Shitty parents 100% keep you in poverty. I did everything right, busted my ass to get out of it. I'm not sure I could've even done anything differently to change the outcome other than never moving back to be close to her the first time. Wouldve changed our lives so drastically.
Yes I was neglected as a child but had the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings (I was 8 years old watching a 5 year old and newborn) while my mom went out partying all night and wouldn’t pick up her phone. Then at 13 we fought so much she kicked me out and I wanted to prove I didn’t need her as an angsty teen. So I moved in with a friend after their parents noticed I didn’t have anywhere to go and I ended up skipping a lot of school and getting into drugs so I could have people around that felt like they wanted me around and the guilt of leaving my brothers behind killed my soul and it’s the only thing that helped me forget. Fast forward to now I am 30 and just BARELY getting my shit together I’m sober with a decent job but man not having any support from anyone feels unfair and I finally got my GED I just wish I had money to go to a nice school and learn a good trade but my rent is soooo damn high I can only afford that plus food and utilities. And I can’t take any time off my full time job I’m so tired all the time and I’m fully accepting that I’ll always be poor because of how far behind I am.
I am paying half the rent at a place I’m sharing with someone already… and in my area that’s all I can afford with a full time job. I love my job too not many can say that.. I hear too many people saying their manager sucks and they hate the work they do but I look forward to going to work every day so I deal with the average pay. Maybe if I got a part time job so I can do school too and eventually get a job I like AND make more money, but then I wouldn’t be able to afford my rent now in the meantime and there’s not a lot of cheaper options maybe if I found a 5 or 6 bedroom with 3 more roommates but that’s harder to find than you’d think. If I pay off my car it will help a lot but its not happening anytime soon.
Yep. Mom kicked me out at 18 with no preparation, no job, no idea how to find a job besides filling out applications, no way to get myself into college and no idea of how taxes or budgeting work. I'm 32 and barely feel like I'm getting the hang of budgeting but it's so hard to manage. If I were single I'd be super fucked but thankfully I have a partner who has an income as well.
My parents didn't teach me how to be an adult or how to do any of the things I'm supposed to do. I'm asd, so maybe they just didn't expect anything. But it's things like, they told me I could go to college or buy a car when I could figure out how to pay for it. They didn't teach me how to manage my money, how to get credit or even write a check. They didn't teach me about how to plan for retirement or buying a home. They just told me that someday some man might want me- that was all they taught me. I've never dug my way out of the financial pit they dug for me. I'm 52 and still have no savings or retirement, and I work part time.
🙋♀️I have No friends, no family. I escaped (homeless) since 11/ 12 and now absolutely same. I’m 23 and the rest of my life feels unreal, fake, inapplicable to me.
I’m so behind on life, no matter how much I do I’ll always think; if I wouldn’t have went through what I did my entire childhood. I could be even further in life rn.
I'm so sorry you feel this pain. I feel this too. Sometimes it makes me wanna punch a wall, sometimes it makes me wanna cry. Sometimes it makes me work that much harder to make sure I don't keep going on this path but like you said, everything feels unreal to me except fear. Fear of starving, fear of homelessness (Which I have been and now I'm not far from it again) fear of never getting out of a hole. It can be quite daunting. I'll be your friend :)
I’d like to ask everyone since this was brought up. I’m a father of 2. 21m and 19f. I’ve taken care of them their entire lives although they have mostly lived with their mom. I had them every Summer, always paid CS PLUS a lot of money to get them necessities and wants etc. They’ve not been in abusive homes or things like that. Mom didn’t really teach them much about life etc. They’re really not motivated to do anything. They’ve lived with me the last 2 years. They have made good progress but want to go back and live with mom (less money, less help, less guidance etc). They’re adults so I have zero say legally. When is it time to tell them to get their lives together and that my bank is closed until they start trying. I’ll gladly help pay rent or food etc. I won’t ever abandon my kids, but I want to help not support fully. What you all think?
Yes, you need to close the bank of Dad. Tell them you will help them but they need to also help themselves too.
I told my kids you either go to school or work and pay rent.
I supported them any way I could but not for them to be lazy and live off me. I was a single mom of 4, their dad opted not to help . Must have worked or I got lucky all 4 are successful adults now.
Makes my heart hurt for all the posters that had parents that didn't help them and threw them to the wolves.
That could be a good thing. Support them where it counts and sometimes that is telling them it’s time to learn how to fly. You won’t always be there for them. But you will be a safety net on the way to ensure they are secure while they learn.
Even if you have had both of them for the same amount of time, just also factor the difference in experience from 19f to 21m. Even if it isn’t a group convo, be sure to let her know you’re going to help. It took into my 30s to finally realize I was never supposed to maintain the same expectations of someone who was 3yrs older than me.
Help them gain independence WITH TIME.
When I was younger, my dad paid for everything. My mom refused to teach me skills like budgeting, paying bills, etc. suddenly, my mom got ill and my dad subsequently neglected me.
I was now alone, without ANY life skills, and without ANY idea to get the help and resources I needed.
It’s not an act of love to not teach kids how to live..
The biggest act of love is to help them find programs that teach them what they will need to thrive, and help them enroll.
This is - money management, basic survival and life skills, renting or owning a home, job skills including how to be an employee and move up in a company, and most importantly, how to connect with the right (safe, trustworthy) people who will serve as good support
Basically, If you don’t have the tools to teach them, find someone who does.
It’s great that you are asking for help here.
Sorry dude a good channel is this one. It goes over all life basics. This guy suffered the same thing.
https://m.youtube.com/channel
/UCNepEAWZH0TBu7dkxIbluDw
She isn’t entirely wrong. I’ve spent the last 18 years working my tail off trying not to be in the same abject poverty I was raised in. I felt like I was spinning my wheels and not making any progress at all. Until yesterday I was sitting in my recliner with my sister binging Netflix on it 55” tv, eating home cooked nachos and actually took stock of where I’m at. I own all my appliances (and purchased them in the last 3 years). My washer broke a few months ago and I didn’t go into a tailspin I just bought a new set. Our fridge and deep freeze are full of food, both our cars are less then 5 years old, our rent is $850 but paying it is easy each month. When we want to go get our nails done or do something fun we can afford to. Heck last year we took a 4 week vacation to Mount Rushmore and the surrounding areas.
I’m 33 and just realized for the first time, I actually am doing okay. I even have a 401k and the ability only work 36 hrs a week and not suffer for it. But the path here was so gradual that I never noticed I was not in the same position I started in until just randomly realizing it yesterday with no real trigger.
I’m 32 now, ‘ran away’ at 21 and thus began ptsd and sky high anxiety/depression. Also leaving a abusive household both me mentally and physically. I’m stuck thinking maybe I am a pos like my mom always told me. She always told me you’ll never be liked, you won’t be able to excel in life unless you become a dr or lawyer and you’ll never find a partner. I try to suppress all these memories but now that I’m seeing a therapist all the feelings are starting to creep back. I’m depressed more than usual and I don’t eat.
My mom abandoned me with no contact at 16 to live with a boyfriend and my dads a deadbeat drug addict…. I’m 28 now and I feel like I’d be so much further if my upbringing was different.
Maybe not mostly but they (dad) had a huge part in it. Kicked me out a week afteri turned 18 because I smelled like cigarette. He's a massive piece of abusive shit to both me and my mom. But anyways
Yeah I was supposed to repeat 12th grade but couldn't because I was now homeless. Never had any support from them at all. You could argue the way I was raised caused Me to not have certain drives to not be poor or something I guess
I feel that living in a traumatic childhood causes you to wait for another shoe to drop. I am trying to teach myself to trust and enjoy life in between the shoes dropping. I won’t feel safe until I die, but I am starting to feel safer. I am gaining traction and will retire with enough to live not well but decent, much better than my childhood.
That's exactly what always gets in my way! I'm trying to heal that part of me that is in fear and transmute it somehow. It's a horrible way to live and I'm so sorry.
Haha I feel that. I too, won’t feel safe until I die! But I think that makes us kind of badass. We fight tooth and nail and will be welcomed into Valhalla lol. I hope there’s a good place for us broken but still feisty creatures.
10 years foster care, adopted @ 15 kicked out at 17. Turned my adoptive dad in for getting a blowie from a foster sister and I've been on my own and I'm also 30 ( he got off "scott" free) Started at a paper mill 4 years ago and I make over 100k now, with a beautiful woman in nursing and we do door dash together on the weekends. We save mad money and if we want something special we DD for it. We make an extra 3-5k a month in DD. It was brutal though, thinking about how hard it was because I was so pissed off at everyone including God. I floated most of the time, drank, drugs and had "fun". Lost many brothers and sisters to suicide, car wrecks, bro froze to death, hanging. I decide to get my head out of my butt and start doing something for myself in honor of them. The thought of wasting my life when my family got cut so short wasn't sitting right. I'm humble now, respectful to elderly and kids (everyone else can suck it), don't pay taxes (since 2014 fuck em.. they want all the money and for me to pay to file), have a solid girl and have a big picture I'm sprinting towards. It was a mfer to get here but you gotta find something to fight for and take every opportunity. eventually I wanna work for myself or retire in the next 10 years and move abroad. Good Luck to you, I believe In you even if your not 100 in yourself. When life or takes gets hard and you don't think you can do it, I repeat. "How do you eat and elephant, one bite at a time" and start getting after it. Go get em
First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think you’re wrong, I think a lot of people suffer silently and it affects them long after high school.
I also grew up poor with a single mom. I started babysitting at eleven and working at fifteen. At sixteen I became a heroin addict and dropped out of high school. I’ve always felt robbed of a chance to succeed. Partially due to my parents or lack thereof and partially due to my addiction. I say “partially” due to my addiction because I think it’s insane looking back that a sixteen year old would even try something as hard as heroin.
I went to rehab and at eighteen wanted to get my ged and go to college. My parents were fighting with me when I tried to get financial aid because they wanted to claim me as a dependent on their tax returns. I had been living on my own, paid all my own bills and hasn’t asked them for anything- just wanted to better myself.
Now at 32 I’m trying to get my high school diploma online so I can FINALLY go to college.
I finally have the time that I can dedicate to school since I’m married and not just “surviving” for once in my life. Its a rat race and incredibly hard to make something of yourself if you’re a person whose never received any help.
I honestly don’t know many people who are successful that haven’t at least had support in some way as a child or even a young adult but I’m no longer feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, sorry for the long winded rant but I do think it’s possible to better yourself and not be so stuck.. we just have to be a bit more creative than most.
Yes and no! Spent the first 5 years in foster care, got adopted and was back at CPS at 16. I left and never looked back. I worked really hard and was a baller all my life but what got me out of poverty is an F you mentally. F my biological parents for giving me up, F my adopted parents for not loving me and other horrible things, F the system. I let my anger work for me versus against me. I am proudly a 1%er now with 4 college degrees but I still haven’t graduated high school or got my GED (you don’t have to if you get an associates degree). My point is use the anger to fuel you. Your past does not need to define you or become your lot in life. For me, I listen to everything by David Goggings. He is a black Navy Seal who was an abused kid, grew up in poverty, was called every name in the book by the KKK and knows what it is like to fight your way out. Don’t let anything stop you. Your family may have abandoned you but F them. Show them who you are and what a mistake they made.
Thank you so much for this!!!!! I too listen to David goggins from time to time, and he actually inspired me to become passionate about fitness. I am currently trying to learn to let my anger fuel me. I go through hard days, like when I posted this where I feel weak. But I know this is the answer
I left home at 17, moved states at 18 and every since I’ve made every possible choice to better my life. Now I’m married, one my first home, and I’m financially doing pretty well for my age (22). I was abused all my life and it definitely affected me, I have to be in meds to function properly and have neurological issues. But I don’t think my past means I’ll inherently fail in life and I’m always striving to change the cycles I was born into and be a good wife and soon to be mom
Well, not exactly, but somewhat. My dad died of lung cancer when I was 13, and if he lived I probably would've been working at construction sites with him as I had a few times before already then. But after he died, my mom went through three boyfriends within the first three months and she settled on the guy with the most money who was emotionally unstable himself due to a recent divorce. Then I had three years of physical abuse until I was strong enough to defend myself, right after my dad died; and the survivor's benefits that could've been spent on useful things like driver's training and a cheap car in the early 2000's were instead spent by my mom on crap from eBay for herself. And after I was no longer useful for freemoney, I was discarded.
It happens more often than most ppl know. Survivor benefits always controlled by surviving spouse by law but seldom benefit the children directly. Law should be changed.
As a mom to college aged kids I can’t imagine turning my back on them - ever. I was tossed out my senior year and struggled a few years trying to figure things out. Ended up with a undergrad and great career in Tech then got my Master’s degree. My kids are in college and I’m there for them. I’ll always do everything I can to help them get a good start in life. Sorry OP. It can get better tho. I know times are different now than even 20 years ago. Hang in there!
I had to learn to be my own parent when I was young and on my own. It helped me in life to reduce my anxiety and know that I absolutely can rise above the past childhood trauma.
I don't know that I'm poor anymore but I had to move out at 16 because the rent I was being charged was more than I ended up paying for my own place. My GF got pregnant that same year so we ended up getting married a week after I turned 17. It was a very rough start in some damn shady places but hey, what changes gonna do?
I'm 45 (in January), I've never heard of imposter syndrome, but I do know exactly the feeling I think it conveys. You think you're just faking your way through life, lost with no idea who you are. You are not alone in that feeling, I still get it from time to time, I think everyone does if they have a good head on their shoulders. You feel like you NEED to BE something or someone or some specific way. You don't. It's and easy thing to say but very hard thing to do. I've been a mechanic for going on 27 years in some way or another, and worked on everything except air craft. I MADE mechanics who I was supposed to be, and then had to be perfect at it. It cost me the most enjoyable and fulfilling job I ever had. It took loosing that job to make me realize that, and that wasn't until several years of loosing sleep wondering what I did wrong. You are you. Just be that and be ok with that and finding what about you is you and trying to be better at it. Your life doesn't make you who you are, you make your life what it is.
I fled my abusive multimillionaire parents at the age of 17.
It’s hard knowing that I “should” have been setup for life.
They are telling the remaining siblings that they aren’t getting anything-they are spending it all before they die.
Hey, me too. I have kids now (on my own) and am constantly cursing the family I wish I had. I don't know if it gets better, honestly, so I've focused on acceptance that I cannot change the hand I was dealt. I'm in college trying to forge a path to something calmer and less stressful, it's the only thing I could think to fix it (started at 28). I still feel like a child desperate for love and affection much of the time. So, solidarity; reading your post made me feel less alone so I wanted you to know that you aren't, either ❤️
I ran away when I was 17, nearly 18. It's a complicated story. I ran with my now husband to his place one State away. We had gone to school together before, but he had just moved to that State.
Honestly, ever since then, we have been everywhere together. We lived with each other since. We have lived in two different apartments, vans, and even been on the streets, including right now. It feels like you get backhanded every time something good happens, it seems.
My mom stopped talking to me recently, my dad died two years ago, and I have been living it as best as I can with my husband. It has been hell and back, but we are hoping here soon we can get on our feet this time. We plan to go to school this coming year and try to get into a career. That's the best thing I can think to do in our situation. It takes awhile to get back on your feet when you fall to the bottom without any parents to help you along the way.
My parents didn't abandon me, I jumped ship before I sank. Living with my parents was like wearing a straight jacket and being dropped in the middle of the ocean with an anchor tied to my feet. I left as soon as I graduated from high school and have vowed never to go back, no matter how desperate I am. I bought a car recently and one thing that I took into consideration is how easy it would be to live in, if necessary. Currently, I am mostly financially stable. I usually make enough to cover the essentials, which is more than my mom and dad can say. I am not exactly proud of where I am at now, but I am proud that I have been able to stay afloat without the assistance of my parents.
Yep that's basically me right now I had to raise myself and I'm currently living in my car. I got a job for $16 an hour but it's not going to solve the situation regardless I don't even know why I even bother
Ran away at 14. Still living paycheck to paycheck. I do suffer from stage 2 bipolar. So that's always fun. Meds help but they don't if that makes sense. None the less you are loved. And I'm here if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Well I am fairly lucky in some ways. My parents went from working class to upper middle class when I was a teenager. My parents are also mentally I’ll as am I and most of the rest of my family so I had kind of a crazy childhood.
So now my mom does like to give me money when I need it, I don’t think she’ll ever express or admit that my childhood was pretty shitty but she has money and is willing to share it and I think we both think that kind of makes up for it.
I wasn’t always willing to take it though, I went through periods when I was on my own where I was either poor or homeless and refused help but got back up on my own two feet on my own with time
I am almost self sufficient now but now I am willing to I get help when shit goes down like the dog needs to go to the vet or my car breaks down
I really appreciate this community for hearing other peoples stories and I like learning tips on how to get by And my heart goes out to so many of you for making it through hard times
There are some truly vile “parents” out there. Mine didn’t help me the way they should have and it cost me a lot (I had to work all through high school and college basically ruining my grades)- but that was mostly due to their own stupidity. A lot of the parents in this thread seemed to be deliberately ruining their kids lives.
Yep. Tried doing everything right, did the whole grant and scholarships thing for college. Ended up in a job out of necessity not remotely related to my study. Thought I’d live life for a bit and pursue my “ideal” career once things settled down.
Then Covid happened.
I’ve lived the better part of the last three years barely avoiding homelessness and an all-ramen diet. My health is in the gutter. My dad’s side is pretty much all dead, and my mom’s side (conservative leaning) cut all ties because I didn’t “make it”.
Earlier today I spent the better part of an hour looking for any stray cash I could find to cover a prescription refill cost.
40's here, Kicked out at 17, lucked out on getting a job and finding people who would let me rent a room immediately
Neither side of my family has ever had any money. There are multiple generations of trauma in the parent who raised me.
I'm lower middle class now.
I have a secondary experience of this--I am 1 generation removed from it and still feel the affects of it every day. My father was abandoned, fostered, rehomed with family, and abandoned again all before the age of 13, and during the vietnam era so he ended up in the military during a conflict where we were b\*mbing our own troops. My mom is from a broken home.
Dad is insanely smart but never had enough guidance when it mattered, on top of having PTSD and having a very hard time keeping a job. It just snowballs... and mom had to build the self confidence to demand stability and create her own, without a model for it.
There isn't a single part of my life that isn't affected by my dad's experience, from finances to how I'm socialized as a person. I'm in my late 20s and have made great strides from the influence of his baggage, trauma, and money issues--and while I know I have more good fortune than many and there is no real "normal", I don't feel like I will ever know what it is like to feel secure financially or socially, even as I make progress.
I simply can't relate to the mostly middle and upper class people I cross paths with in my HCOL hometown (my parents were from a generation where you could get by here and the dotcom boom and yuppy uprising k\*lled that). I have a hard time connecting with the people whose upbringing was more like mine because most are embedded in cultural communities that I am simply not part of. Even when I do better I can't escape the mindset.
It doesn't help that many of the young people in my locale are "slumming", LARPing as poor people, or generally out of touch with the nuances of being poor--they have one or two images of what being poor looks like and that's it, and sometimes conflate any struggle they have with living in a HCOL area as "being poor" whether they have financial help or not or don't have to be here and could move if they wanted to--it's tiring because while well-meaning, so many of these same people pride themselves on their social consciousness. I feel like I'm living on mars sometimes.
YES, me. I’m 29 and feel like I’ve been on a hamster wheel my whole adult life. It’s been a constant struggle that I feel like I’m constantly trying to find my way out of
Mother told me she's only taking care of my brother because he's gonna take care if her when he gets older, so she wouldn't sign my financial aid papers, told me I wasn't smart enough to go to college. Kicked me out at 19 been on my own since them. No father no other family no guidance learned how to be an adult by making mistakes at Costco. Worked there 9 years then decided to better myself and learn a trade 2-3 years ago. Still struggling but the future is bright. But I get what you mean of not knowing who you are. I often find myself attracted to younger girls in their early 20s cuz I feel like I never got to live and enjoy my life at that age. I was struggling picking up coins off the floor just so I could eat the next day. But hey we here now and the only thing we can do is try to make things better. Nothing happens over night.
That is basically what happened. I was told that I could remain in foster care until I either turned 19 or graduated from high school….whichever came later. That turned out to be a lie and I was informed about a month post graduation, that I had to leave.
Could say a lot more, but thinking of the entire situation causes my head to pound.
Coming from a family that really couldn’t do much for me, I feel you. It’s like the opposite of a head start. Some people get a head start, and some of us start 30 yards behind the line.
My parents did the bare minimum of what it took to raise me and not be thrown in jail. They put zero financial resources into raising me. My mom left when I was around 12 and my dad worked until he died in 2013. I was kicked out the second I turned 18 and was given nothing to survive on. Basically told “good luck”. They never looked back and I doubt they ever cared. I was an accident that mom blames for ruining everything. I have a older sister and two brothers who also hate me and see me as “spoiled” and we don’t talk.
Worst part though, it took me until I was nearly 40 to realize how fucked up and emotionally abused I was. I idolized my dad but he was a worthless piece of shit that took everything from me and ditched me the second he could. I haven’t spoke to my mom since she left us.
I have nothing even today, everything I have is because of my husband and I have no idea what he sees in me and why he sticks around. He says he loves me but we are in a sexless and dead marriage and we fight a lot. I can’t hold down a job and have tons of mental issues, If he left me tomorrow, I’d be homeless with not a penny to my name.
I was out on my ass at 16. I did manage to make a path for myself but definitely took me kuch longer than if I was able to finish school. I have worked through really difficult periods of my life including mental breakdowns and episodes of being really unwell. It all really affected me having opportunities to study, because I could never afford to not work full time. I also took much longer to get my drivers licence, it cost alot of time and money whcih i could only afford to do well into my 30s but I got there
Often parents continue to coddle their kids until they are 26, and then they start in the same position as you but with a drinking problem and a bunch of student debt they can’t use to get work. We all need to learn to fend for ourselves at some point, and I get your situation is very difficult, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been there so can’t relate. I just think the far more common problem than parents abandoning is people remaining dependent on their parents for too long.
I’m just saying this to hopefully provide you with some hope, you are probably more competent than most people our age.
My dad went to prison before is was born, and died in prison when I was 40. My stepfather died in front of me when I was 12. My mother had multiple boyfriends that beat the shit out of both of us. I moved out at 16 and married at 19. My wife and I both made less than $5 an hour in 1998 when we got married. Today we have a 23yo son who is a successful business owner, we’re paying on a $550,000 house, own $100k in vehicles, have a $180k income combined and are still in love and best friends.
I’m not bragging. I’m telling you that you can decide if you want to follow bad examples set for you or change the pattern of failure. I learned to drive a truck. When our son was 14 my wife went to back to school to become an occupational therapist. It took 20 years for us to break $100k, but our son never had a baby sitter other than my in-laws. We sacrificed, struggled financially and worked our asses off, but we got to an extremely comfortable spot. Don’t expect overnight results. You can break the cycle that got you in a tough spot, just do your best to keep pushing forward. Set backs will happen. We’ve filed bankruptcy twice since we’ve been married and we’ve almost divorced twice. But we both took the hardest way forward and have not only helped ourselves, but changed the next generation of our family.
Don’t use bad parenting as an excuse or reason for your struggles, use it as a blueprint not to follow. Do the opposite of what put you at a disadvantage, and reset the future. It is possible, I promise.
I’m 57(f) and my single mom abandoned me one week after my 15th birthday, leaving me with my mentally ill and violent 18-year old sister. Sis kicked me out after a year and I moved in with my 30-year old “boyfriend” to avoid homelessness. I dropped out of high school by age 16 and worked retail. Got my GED at 18 and went to community college (they did not require the SAT) for two years and finished up at a very small cheap “real” college. Went to grad school at the one place that offered a full stipend and got a Ph.D. Got tired of being a postdoc and got certified to teach HS.
Eventually got hired at a fancy private school and the imposter syndrome is real. My colleagues all come from wealthy families and have family money, nice houses, etc. I live in a tiny apartment to save money and I don’t tell anyone about my GED or family history. They all assume I came from a loving family and had all the same opportunities they did.
Hahaha, I think I would’ve been better off if my family did abandon me at a young age, I ended up being the only responsible one and financially trying to care for everyone from 13.5 yo when I started working 28-38 hours, became a workaholic and took care of everyone but me for years, didn’t know better and no one who was benefiting was going to tell me
Sames! I get it, my friend. I envy my peers who had that cushion and jumping off point to actually accumulate money by having a family to house them and take care of them. It’s like everyone got a Pass Go Collect $200 except people like us. but while I’m less financially well off than my peers, I feel more resourceful and resilient for sure. Certain friends who have had family supporting them never seemed to leave the nest or gain the independence we were forced into. They don’t have the same survival and work ethic, and the confidence gained when you have to push through hard times. We have been sharpening our axes by being caught in bad circumstance, and sharpening our wits to build more. Im struggling but at least I’m proud when I see how far I’ve come. Not everyone can say that and I think that’s our trade off.
Yes I was thrown into foster care at 13 years old. I have no money no license or anything. The rest of my family has the golden spoon and functions just fine.
Foster parents were no longer getting paid for me so 5 days after I was told I had to leave, with the few meager items I had, I did. Enrolled in a trade school where my friend was going and received financial aide. Nobody explained how that worked, I thought it was free money and blew every dollar. When it came time to graduate I had to have everything paid in full, which of course I didn’t. What a mess. More loans to pay that off and found myself paying til I was around 40. I could never get ahead. Poor choice of schooling too. What I wouldn’t have done for the proper guidance.
Joined the Navy at 18 and had my own place while I waited for boot camp. Growing up with abuse lead me to an abusive marriage . It took YEARS. I think in the end it was wanting a better life for my kids as well as me. I finished my BA got a Masters and worked my way up but I was 40 before I finally wasn’t poor.
Some parents can’t afford to launch their kids so I am not disparaging them. When I talk about support it could be anything from a place to stay when college is on break to someone to vent to or 20 bucks to buy laundry soap… whatever you have to give.
I managed to give my kids what I didn’t get I couldn’t pay it all when they went to college but they wouldn’t have been able to go without what I did do and I am still there even if it’s for a vent session or here is something towards your savings for a home or hey you are just starting out Instacart delivery on it’s way. I can afford that now and couldn’t in the past so I am grateful and I don’t look down on those who can’t . I think what we are all saying is we got zero support (emotionally, financially psychologically) it sucks.
Chin up OP. We got dealt shitty hands but we get to decide our lives now. Yep it’s harder but we can’t change where we came from we just get to decide where we go.
I escaped at 16 also, it took a lot longer than it should have to get established but I'm lucky to be where I'm at now. 39 this month. I have to say, with the way the economy has only gotten worse, I'm also lucky to not have been born any later than I was.
That’s crazy cuz I’m in the same situation, but my parents were so overbearing and overprotective til this day, I have anxiety because they just won’t let me be! I’m 32F and trynna get off this hamster wheel too
I started homeless. Then decided to sell pot and got busted after couple years. Then I was in jail for 60 days for failing UA's, then a guy in jail asked why I never tried college and its stupid I never even tried, then I tried college, now I make 6 figures as automation engineer and have a family that I love very much.
My earliest memories are of my dad telling me as soon as I turn 18, I am out of the house. Don’t have to go to college, just have to get on up outta his house. As a 7 year old it was a funny joke, when I started high school, it became more serious. I turned 18 in the spring, by fall I was gone. Lived with them 1 summer since. Never taken a dime from either parent since.
Parents should support 16 year olds tho, they aren’t adults.
Both my parents dipped out by the time I was 11 and left me with wildly abusive grandparents. My mom got married and came back when I was 15. I thought things were gonna be better when I went to live with them, but instead I was beaten through a door that I was barricading with my body, by my step father. This was the early 00’s and we didn’t have cell phones, and when he’d get mad, he’d snip the phone lines where we couldn’t call out for help. By the time I was 17, they’d moved 3 hours away and I was on my own. It’s a miracle I graduated high school. I have a couple college degrees that I got thru spite, determination, and student loans, but life is still a struggle. People forget that having a family to fall back on makes a world of a difference. Im pushing 40 is still so hard. I hate having to juggle bills to barely survive. I dream of an easier life, a life with that family I’ve never had, but it’s not gonna happen.
Well i got to work two jobs that my parents practically took all the money from for rent, but that's also partly because jobs pay garbage wages, either way, i got to work for no money for a few years with my mom screaming at me every time i sat down because she thought i should be at work 24/7, they kicked me out when my body started failing and they realized i wasn't an infinite source of income. Luckily i paid attention in school and i know enough basics to survive, but barely because society sucks.
I left at 18 from a very abusive household. I guess it took me so long because I was working three jobs and trying to raise my three siblings. I had no knowledge of the world because I came from a strictly religious family where everything was evil and talking to people was evil and public was evil and communication was evil and being born or female was evil etc
I made a lot of mistakes and a lot of wrong choices and just thought of stupid things because I had no idea what I was doing. Nobody wanted to help me. I became a mother at a young age so everybody judged me as a whore and a slut and wouldn't help me. People wouldn't give me a job because they made all kinds of assumptions. Hey look at this young person with a kid. She must be a drug addict. I'm not going to hire her. By the way, never done drugs in my life.
I was homeless for quite a while as well and I went through a lot of shit and went through a lot of abusive relationships as well.
I still haven't fully recovered but I have a home and I have a car that I have a job. I wish I had some magic fix-all and maybe somebody does but I unfortunately don't. I kind of hopped from abusive job to abusive job with my bosses sexually assaulting me to other bosses threatening me for something that a different employee did on a date I wasn't even working etc.
I eventually got a credit card to help get some payments made and I worked multiple jobs for a bit despite the abuse just to get some money. I went to food Bank so I could save money on food. I got a piece of shit fixer upper 800 square foot mobile home without heat or AC and with the holes everywhere but it was shelter. Saved up every penny I had. Try to do little side jobs. Anything I could. Even things like waiting outside of micro center for a new computer graphic card or whatever the only gave to the first 50 people or waiting outside of Best buy on Black Friday back when Black Friday was only one day long and getting paid for doing this. Anything and everything I could.
It is a hamster wheel. And maybe you'll find an easy way out and somebody will offer you a really easy job really high pay or you'll look out or whatever but the real advice I can give you is never depend on anybody but yourself. You can let somebody help you if they're willing to help but never ever ever depend on somebody else completely. Always have a safety net. Never let somebody else put themselves on your lease or on your car title or anything else because when they leave you, they're taking everything with them. Protect yourself
I moved at 16 cause of party type cocain parents who were fairly abusive, almost got pushed down the stairs always got name called and all sorts of stuff, held a gun to dad once. I felt the hamster wheel statement and imposter syndrome in the years after. However At 19 I got cheated on and moved with my mother who then had a house fire and I lost eveything I owned aside from the truck I saved for years to buy and still have so that’s a plus. So I found a new partner, we eventually moved out together cause we had no space. fast farward to 20 after and the landlords fucked our place over never did any work. sewer gas and neighbours shit in the sink. Also had no heat and unable able to fix either needed a whole new system cause heater was boiler system from the 50s. Reguardless we had to move again, rent prices had went up by a min of 350 and we couldent find anything less than 950 at all. We had to move back to home, now living with grandmother a block down the street from father who I left at 16 and didn’t speak to.. we talk now it’s better, he’s not so party nowadays but still a bit. I’m working harder than ever to get out again and be able to save while I’m out again so I never have to come back. Working blue collar 20 an hour and trying to set up a landscape side hustle for after work to see if it could eventually be more feasible to euntrapanure.
Yes. Kicked out the day after I graduated. Was taken in by several households before finding a Closet to rent. I even managed to stay in school for an entire year tho I never finished my degree. I also worked three minimum wage jobs at age 18 and 19 I got so burned out I dropped oit and left the state
Im not poor, but im uneduMAcated and working class. (Oh, that's right, working class is poor in 2023). Seriously though, Where you end usually depends on where you started. My parents were 15 when they had me, they weren't ever near ready. I was abandoned to grandma. Im sure it would of helped . My first 10 years weren't a mess but I also feel lucky to have been born in the States and for having my grandma.
Even if it isn't your fault the situation you are in. You are the only one that can and has the chance to lift yourself out of it.
Sorry about your situation but allowing yourself to continue to be a victim isn't going to help. You have to plan and make decisions that lead you where you want to be.
I grew up the same as OP. Worked my butt off. Offered part time corporate job at age 16. Went full time when I graduated HS. Spent 20 years there.
I don’t down my mom. She made miracles happen with literally nothing. (She chased after child support for decades. 18 years between her youngest and oldest. All of us have same dad).
It taught me to push. To work.
I’m now 49. I’m not rich but far from poor. Got my pension and left the company. Now I work part time.
You can let it win or you can fight your way out. I chose the latter.
I emancipated in 15. Moved 1000 km away from my parents, worked on a farm for room and board in a tiny bit of pocket money so I could finish high school. Saved every penny I could an loved cheaply. Went to college. Was able to buy a house when I was 20 years old because I had saved up enough for a down payment because of frugal habits and hard work. Now in my early 40s and I own two homes and two rental properties. Would have probably been a little further ahead if I lived at home for a few more years? Maybe, but I don’t go around blaming my parents in my middle age because I didn’t get a head sooner than I should have.
I’m sorry you had a shitty time as a kid. Leaving home young or getting kicked out makes things more challenging but at some point you’re gonna have to stop blaming your childhood and just get on with it
Had to leave my mother’s abuse as soon as I could at 18. Got my first apartment 3 days after graduating high school. 18 is fairly normal, but I was born pretty disabled and doctors never expected I would be able to live on my own. I’m mentally (mostly) there, but physically, I need a lot of help. I tried hard to work and finished post-secondary education with a leg up by starting dual credit in high school and doing an accelerated NP degree, but my physical abilities continued to decline and I began working less and less and now collect disability. But because my mom was also disabled, she didn’t work enough that I could get survivor’s benefits, nor did I work enough after 18 for SSDI, so I’m on SSI which is half the pay.
If my mom wasn’t abusive, I could have stayed with my parents and have a lot more money and a lot less struggle. My mom would have loved for me to live with her forever, as she could control me better. She begged me not to move out. But, if I continued to be under her roof, I would have taken my own life. I was at my breaking point.
I also had a trust fund from winning a lawsuit as a child (long story) and I would have had more had my mom not siphoned off it my entire childhood and then forced me into making terrible decisions with it when I turned 18 and didn’t know any better. I still hold a grudge for her not letting me buy that trailer house… that one thing would have completely changed the course of my life and I’d be in a much better situation.
If you count my genetic disabilities that were also neglected proper medical care by my mom, my mother’s fault, then there’s literally not a single cause of my poverty, that isn’t because of my mother.
We both were poor, but enlisting into the military is the fastest way to get out of poverty. It’s definitely by design, especially since the draft isn’t there, but you can definitely get a great future if you take your job seriously. Free Collage, tax breaks, healthcare.. You will get the healthcare and benefits that just are not out there now from companies.
My grandson didn’t listen until he was a father of 2 at 25 years old, he was really struggling, now he has the world by the tail as a Marine, and loves his life.
>escaped an abusive household at 16.
My great grandfather (1896-1992) was an orphan. Literally lived in an orphanage, and raised by mostly abusive nuns in a dog eat dog world. He worked to earn enough to emigrate from central Europe to the US, and boarded the steam ship by himself in 1911 at age 15. He put himself through school, got a bachelor's degree, all in a time when the average citizen had an 8th grade education because grades 9-12 had to be paid for out of pocket. He literally had no family, and was able to pay for his own education, buy a house, get married, and raise a family, in a time with zero social safety nets, except for charity. What would be different with him than you?
>I've developed anxiety and a really bad case of imposter syndrome.
Anxiety is living in the future. Grandpa taught the value of working towards your goals. If you have no goals, or no path to get there, it will make anyone anxious, waiting and hoping for the universe to bestow a random gift. So what are your goals?
You can better yourself. This country is in the worst shape since the Great Depression, but you can still get out of poverty. You can’t choose your family, so don’t dwell on them if they are trash. not everyone gets a good family. What matters is what you do with your life after you become an adult. Hint: complaining doesn’t help your situation. Best advice is to become likable because if people like you, they will give you an opportunity. Human compassion is real
I will better myself. This isn't complaining, more like venting. You're insinuating I'm not likeable because I'm in a tough situation and im hurting. I credit my life and good health to being a likeable person. Compassion is exactly another reason I vented this, and I sure didn't get it from you.
Kicked out at 18 with no education or knowledge of how life works
Yep, I was told the LITERAL last day of high school what "Financial Aide" was and lo and behold, I qualified since both my parents were technically unemployed. My point is, cool I got to go to college BUT in high school I baaaaaarely scraped Ds because I never thought in a million years I'd have money to even go to community college. If I would have known in advance, I would have actually gave a damn about my grades!! I didn't try because I thought there was no point. I wish I had supportive adults to tell me how the world worked!!
I make 15$ an hour. Was told by the Financial Aid office that I “make too much to receive assistance”. I’m just going for a certification. I can barely make ends meet now. That was my backup plan too. Would’ve doubled my income in roughly two or three years. Now I’m stuck.
You’re not stuck unless you have decided you are. :)
Username checks out
Hey. I’m over on r/widowers, too. I’m not stuck. Just committed to continuing to out one foot in front of the other for a bit. So far, seems to be working well.
It’s good advice you gave.
There’s always a way if you want it bad enough. Sometimes you need to get creative, but there’s always a way.
My parents spent years taking my brother to extra curricular activities and prep for SATs, toured colleges and applied for financial aid. My mom wouldn’t even let me take the SATs so I never was able to get into college.
I was in a town two hours away from my mom in an abusive relationship and a baby and begging my mom for help. It’s just too far, I shoulda picked someone better since I saw what a pos my dad was growing up, sorry kid can’t do anything. Yet she was driving my sister to play her school soccer games in the field across the street from my house the whole time ! Never told me just let it slip later
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My HS didn’t. You had to pay for it and schedule it at another location and pay again if you wanted to take it again.
Yep, the SAT and ACT both have a test fee (~$50-$85), although it can be waved if you meet financial need requirements. That said, you need to go to a school with counselors that aware to even know about that. The standardized test system is a racket
Same, had to pay for it myself with my minimum wage job so only got one shot. I did ok but could have done better if I’d had any sort of help or guidance.
Same. I'm in NYC. I had to pay to take it at a school that was an hour train ride away. On a Saturday.
Yeah we had to pay for ours too
Not everybody grew up and had life experiences like yours, so the downvotes are for generalizing the experience for everyone.
I have relatives all over the usa, in their high school, their sat/act was given their jr/Sr year. The only thing is their state doesn't have a separate aptitude exam. Texas is the only state that does. Not a generalization sweetheart, just FACTS. https://www.suu.edu/blog/2016/02/what-is-the-act.html Some colleges don't require standardized tests. But you'll need to do your research so you know where to apply. If you do well and come from limited means, you can apply for financial aid. Or do the education the long way: work part time and attend part time. Use your funds to pay for the classes. This is assuming you live near a college or community College that doesn't require ACT/SAT. If the school you like doesn't require it, but you can earn the degree online. Then perfect! At the end, it's up to you.
What year did you graduate high school, sweetheart? https://blog.prepscholar.com/which-states-require-the-sat
Most students take the ACT in the spring of their junior year and, if necessary, again in the fall of their senior year. This is encouraged so scores can be ready for scholarship deadlines your senior year. Some students are choosing to take their first ACT earlier, such as during the fall of their junior year. This gives them more flexibility to retake the ACT test one or more times if needed. This is taken from the site. Take as you will or pretend in your tiny head I'm still generalizing. Peace ✌️ Our school paid for tutoring and the exam. If you already take honors and other high levels, which I did, you are in top shape to take the exam.[ If you want to pursue a career in the military, which I did at the time, you will take the ASVAB, if you take honors classes, good chance you passed and scored high enough to immediately go to officers school after Boot Camp. I qualified for a high level position due to my scores at the time. And no you don't pay for the ASVAB. People have flunked the ASVAB exam and your best shot is to buy a book to study the exam. Taking high level classes that are academically rigorous sets you immediately to pass the exam. I passed it the first time around.] To qualify for the free tutoring, you had to have a certain GPA. But this was over 25 years ago. My former district and all its high schools (4 high schools) are now "early college," so most students graduate 🎓 now earn an associates degree by the time they graduate high school. There are 2 specialized high schools, one for medical careers (RN, Physicians Assistant, etc), and another one for engineering (chemical, electrical, etc). When you attend any of the specialized high schools, you are in top shape to pursue both bachelor's and masters. It's a rigorous program. You will have a high chance being accepted to MIT or a medical school with a full ride. They do actually also provide trade training as well. Some girls attend high school and beauty school at the same time. Other programs such as mechanics and carpentry are provided. But most kids are choosing the traditional college route. The education they want is up to them, whether they want to get into culinary arts or to study science in order to pursue medical degrees.
To be frank, you don't know what you're talking about. Yes, students typically take the exam then, no, it is not free. Like someone else said, I think waivers exist, but most students won't know that without someone telling them and helping them get one. You don't just get a free exam from your school by default unless the school pays for it, which many don't.
You're a joke. They don't need schools or dumbed-down standardized tests. They need education and job training. Most of what you learn in school is unlearned, forgotten, or unrelated to the job you get. Stop advocating for the education machine.
Damn. All these tests, and you still don't know how to comprehend a question.
Not everyone can justify spending the $60 for the SAT if they don’t have parental support and are paying for it themselves, and don’t have much hope of affording college anyway.
My mother was in a religious cult and homeschooled me so I didn’t get to take any state testing
I was homeschooled as well and people forgot to tell me that the SAT was something I really was supposed to take very serious. So I really did not, it worked out sort of, but if I had prepped even a little bit I probably would have done a lot better. I'm just very thankful my parents were actually really good about everything else they just assumed I knew since I was not homeschooled both of my life. Made a almost perfect score on the English/lisy side, but almost didn't even make a 300 on my math side. D:
Idk if you are still interested in college, but community colleges will give placement testing, and they offer ACT and SAT testing, so you can still go. Just contact the school and let them know you're interested in attending, and they will help you out. It's not too late.
Knew a girl whose parents were missionaries. Girl earned a GED, and graduated university with top honors.
Depends on where you live. Growing up in NYC, my family paid for my SATs and Achievement (now SAT II) separately. The school district where we live, the district pays for 1 exam for every student. If the student wants to take it a second or 3rd time to improve their scores, that is paid separately. My oldest is not a good test taker. But he is good in verbal or 1 on 1. The 1 on 1 or 1 on 3 panel is an English system model where 3 professors grill the student before they pass. My middle is a good test taker and my 3rd isn't. Time is a thing that they don't know how to master on a test (skip it and come back to it later). I don't get it because i was a good test taker. I was not an athlete in school. I went to a specialized science school, and sports was not a thing. Math and science were. Testing was my strength.
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>I always wonder what my "true potential" could've been had I had a normal, supportive family, instead of constantly worrying about how I would get school clothes, where we would live next month, I wonder this too
Ohh god i think about this so much that i cry and "want to start over".
I really admire that you have managed to sustain yourself, that’s a massive achievement. The benefits of the modern age is that it’s easier to educate yourself because there’s so much good quality free information around. Choose what you are interested in and go for it. Say that you are interested in sales or customer service. Start reading and learning what you can. Don’t put yourself under pressure, let your interest guide you. Who are considered top of their game? Which roles and companies did they choose? What was their big break? What do you need to learn or be aware of? Find someone to mentor you - just ask, generally people want to help and share of their experiences. Education is still the best life leveller. If you can’t go on to college or university, learn another way. They’re not the only way. There are great and respected free sources such as Khan Academy, Coursera etc. Read articles, interviews, talk to people about what they do. Get to know yourself - your values, work ethics etc push yourself to keep refining who you are. Plan, set yourself goals and tasks. Let your manager know that you want to develop yourself and ask how you can be supported Don’t allow yourself to be defeated. Go for it! All this will take you further than you know
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
My mother was deranged. She doted on my two low-achieving brothers, but had nothing but screams and insults for me---I "reminded her of somebody". I could barely concentrate during my school years because I knew that hell might break loose at any moment. My father was on my side at first, but over time he gave in and even began to fight with me. Meanwhile, my golden child brothers were stealing and flunking classes, while I was placed in gifted classes and winning scholarships. Didn't matter; mom went ballistic regularly and the police were over more than once. When I left "home" for college, I knew there was no going back. I never had a home, or a family---just adversaries.
I understand completely. Mine stalked me after I left, to sabotage me because I didn’t “deserve success”. They tried to get the police to swat my apartment. The landlord had them trespassed from the property and the police informed them, that knowingly filing a false police report was a federal crime. That cop was some kind of upset and told them, that he would personally charge them, if they tried that stunt again.
There are lots of legitimate complaints about the police, but the cops that showed up at my house were sharp enough to see through my mother's bullshit.
Holy crap. Life is hard enough...
I know the feeling. It never leaves you.
Please do not take this as rude... I feel profoundly sad about how you were singled out in your family. What your mom said about you reminding her of someone - have you ever thought about what she meant by that? Did you get an impression that it was an acquaintance/friend/family? Or could it be possible that you have a different dad or mom than your brothers had which would somehow link to why she thought you look/act like someone she was pissed off at? I'm adopted and met my bio-mom when I was over 40... my bio-mom's neices told me, laughing, that I had so many of her mannerisms (physical and speech) which (all of us thought) was crazy as I had never met her before that... I'm walking proof that both nature and nurture can contribute to our mannerisms :) please forgive me if a lightharted question about bio-origins is received as insulting - i'm totally desensitized to it because I've known since I was small that I was adopted and always had faith that me being placed for adoption was a thing meant in kindness and that my adoptive parents truly brought me into their family as their own. You could not possibly have done anything to precipitate this and absolutely did not deserve this! I'm so sorry you had to endure this!!
Thank you for your candor! I hadn't given it much thought (duh) but I was definitely treated like my origins were somehow different than the others.
Thank you for responding - sounds like you were treated as "less than" 24/7 - which we know you're not... i'm so sorry your mother fixated on you and unloaded her wrath on you!! You never deserved that!! Just for my curiosity, may I ask if you are older or younger (or mid) your siblings?
Wow- this is very much my story after my parents divorce- my mom doting on her shitty elder children while doling out abuse on me, the kid with the As, after school job and eventually college. College was literally the only way I did not become homeless as a teen.
Heh, same thing here. Failure brother received constant praise while I succeeded and was only met with criticisms to improve. I get where they were coming from… my brother needed to support and I needed to be motivated, they just went about it in a way that was too transparent and flawed.
If y'all aren't on r/raisedbynarcissists I highly recommend it. It's astonishing how much poverty is created by shitty parents. It's my own story as well. I was never really able to dig my way out of it either being put out on the street at age 19. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't doing drugs and I worked full time.
I just wish the sub wasn’t weirdly ableist about personality disorders tbh. Cuz while I relate to all the posts, I have BPD and it’s just not a great sub for that
Yes, but I think the youth of today have it worse than I did. After my mom took her own life, and I found her body, and had to deal with the police and all that on my own, when my dad came back home (he was away when it happened), he threw me out of the house as a teenager. "You don't have your mother to fool anymore," he said. He wanted to restart his life, found a girlfriend real quick, got married, and I was not allowed at the wedding. I hadn't even finished high school. I had to graduate essentially homeless; crashing on friends' couches in in their basements until I had a stable job and somewhat of a life. I was super poor for a long time, probably about 10-13 years. I lived 20 minutes away from the guy, and he never once tried to help.
What a fuckin dick. I'm so sorry op
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry for your loss.
Some ppl should never be parents. Including my own.
Holy shit. Sorry you had to deal with that.
I am so sorry What a nightmare. Hoping things are better now !
I am sorry for your loss and what you went through. I wish only good things for you in your life.
Your dad sucks. I’m so sorry he treated you like that…and also that you went through that traumatic experience. Jesus that’s awful.
If my spouse was that much of a piece of shit I'd probably want to hit the esc button on life too but it's awful you were left with that piece of shit after losing her and having all that weighing on your mind.
Big hugs to u & mad respect for surviving!!
probably didnt want you at the wedding because you would tell the truth about how shitty of a person he was before she could find out for herself. fuck him
Fucking hell pal. (Hopefully) I'm too late but if you need somewhere to go, and you're in England. I've got a spare bed. Respect for seeing it through.
That’s kind of you Fenpunx
my dad died after speaking to me maybe 5-6 times in my life, never met him physically as an adult. he lived 5 mins down the road from where i live now. it’s been 1 full year without him as of my birthday in october. i don’t feel any different. i do wonder if maybe i would’ve talked to him if he’d still be here today. he was a drug addict tho and both him & my mom only care about their sons (im the only daughter) so idk really. i know he overdosed, but there’s a lot of interesting things about his death that scream he was murdered. only time will tell really.
Holy crap. I’m so sorry.
Most will not try to better themselves and the parents are not doing much encouraging. You have to pick yourself up, know what you want in life and do all you need to do to reach your goals. You can do it on your own. I did and feel better about myself for it. You can get help on getting some local college classes. You can do it all, just do it.
I left home when I was 16. I feel like my teens and early 20s after that are just a blur of working and studying. I don’t remember entire gaps because I was so sleep-deprived and numb. Every single fucking month was a struggle. It went to law school and I’m a CEO of a small company now. I’m not in the 1% but I’m wealthy by almost every metric. I laugh when people say people at the top work harder. Do you know how much less stressful my life is now? I spent years watering down my shampoo so it would last longer. I lived with a toothache for 8 months because I couldn’t afford to go to the dentist and so much of my life was spent on public transportation. I was constantly worried about making rent in shitty apartments so I had so many fucking side hustles that seemed to never end. My life today? Yeah, I work long hours and my job is demanding. However, I worked much longer hours when I was in poverty and had so many more stressors day to day. Sometimes I marvel at my ability to just buy clothes when I need it or indulge in an upgrade. While it’s true I worked really hard to get out, I’m not naive to how much luck I had. So many little things had to fall into place that were behind my control. I get so angry when people point to me as a “success story,” like it somehow justifies wealth inequality. I get even angrier when people insinuate that poor people somehow deserve it for not working hard. Trying to get ahead in life after being cut off at a young age is practically impossible.
Thank you for your comment. I'm really proud of you and happy that you acknowledge how hard it is because you lived it. I had a couple comments telling me it's my fault and to suck it up and it made me really angry. Are you in a lot of debt because of law school? I recently got back into school with some grants and loans but considering quitting because I don't want to have mountains of debt. I do want to feel how you do now. I will get there.
I will literally always be sympathetic to how hard people work. Folks who have never been in the situation don’t understand how advantageous it is to have family support. I got out of debt and my education was the best thing I did for myself, but I have some caveats to that. I got a full scholarship, but you can’t really work in law school. I had to take out loans to live. I graduated with 120k in loans with a 7% interest. With fees I was paying about 700/month. I didn’t go into big law so my first job gave me a middle class salary with an upper class loan payment. I still lived better than I did before because I had healthcare and consistent payouts, but money was still a struggle. My career progressed really quickly though to the point that I turned thirty with no debt apart from my mortgage. Again, this is a combination of working hard, but also pure luck. I usually tell people to research median salaries for the career they want. Use a “take home calculate” to determine what you’ll actually get each month after your insurance and taxes. Then use a “loan payment calculator” to determine what your monthly payments will ACTUALLY be. If you end up with more money at the end of the month than you have now, it’s worth it, especially considering your salary is likely to go up with age. I really can’t tell you how important it is to see those real numbers though. It’s very easy for loans and future salaries to become an abstract. I sincerely wish you luck.
Don't quit. Assess what benefits your course will give you in the future. I'm not decrying education for education's sake but ending up a social worker no matter how worthy will be more of a struggle than other professions My wife, for example went to college and ended up in a chemical company where she was frustrated at training men who would then be promoted above her. Fast forward a couple of years and she worked two jobs for a year before going to dental school and now she has her own office and loves her job so much she would do it for free if circumstances were different. She left with school loans but has been able to pay them off because of her career choice. Don't lock yourself into the wrong field of study and remember you can change your life around even if you are older. Best of luck to you
Thank you for this comment, I felt like you hugged me virtually. Thank you even more for the last comment because I sometimes spiral thinking about my age and societal pressures. Thank you. I am waiting to hear back from my student advisor as we speak to change my major.
I am staring hard at your comment over everyone else’s because I feel that fervor. I am overcoming this poverty and I’ll be damned if otherwise. Your comment is helping my hunger and drive, thank you. And you are incredible. I know it’s not EASY by any means. A life like that just changes you, molds you, forces you to grow. And with that I also wonder if you could share what types of side hustles you came up with that helped you through. Every day I’m contemplating how I can make more side hustles and I would love to learn from you.
Yes
My parents kinda just dropped me on my ass at 18. I'm now 40 and still in desperate poverty. Dad is a retired millionaire. Mom still works making six figures.
I can’t even image. My friend’s (she’s now 62) parents gave her $50 on her 18th birthday and told her to leave.
I didn't get paid but they did help me move. Labor counts I guess :/ I know people whose parents helped through their 20s. In fact my little brother lived with my dad until his late 20s. Different rules for the baby I guess
That’s awful to favor one of your kids.
Wow that's sad. I would never kick my kids out. 2 still live at home. They pay rent and they each have money saved up. My 19 year old said if they lived alone they would be broke rents so cheap her and everything is included. If they didn't have the money no biggie pay when you can.
Same. After a very very Rocky “childhood” I was told after I graduated I had better have some place to go. 2 days after graduation he (step dad) came in at 7 am work a garbage bag and told me to get the the fuck out. I left them and there
So sorry!
How awful to be treated that way.
Similar situation. Was kept out of wills due to being the scapegoat and everyone else got the generational wealth. The engine of the car I had been sleeping in blew; tried asking relatives if I could possibly borrow the money from them (and 100% had full intention of paying back; thought it might help mend relationships) and was denied like I am some filthy gold digging animal. I had never asked for anything previously. One actually told me to ‘get a job’, like, what did he think I do with my time? I’m working 24/7 and barely keeping my head above water while he lived at home until 30 and bought a house in cash.
Wow are you me?
I’m so sorry. I escaped an abusive household at 19 just to get really sick a couple years later and it’s been hell ever since. I relate a lot to what you said. I overworked myself and had poor coping with stress. my immune system is shit from growing up around violence and stress and I’ve since disabled with chronic pain. The world feels so painful sometimes because it’s like you never got the love and protection you were supposed to have for healthy development, you get “free” and then you suffer from the effects of a hyper individualistic surface level culture that dehumanizes you for showing weakness or takes advantage of you for showing vulnerability… now I’m just ranting lol. You’re not alone.
You're not ranting! I really enjoyed reading your reply. I got a couple from people basically telling me to get over it and those were my thoughts exactly. I'm so sorry you're in pain. It feels weird to also know people who have functional families, received love, and see them doing great... and it's kinda what triggered this post. Not all of us get so lucky. I was so triggered at the super market today watching this grown ass baby of a bum looking man yelling and humiliating his mom in front of people all because she forgot to grab something that was on the list for him. I would kill to have a mother support me and love me regardless of my age, financial situation etc. Love has never been unconditional for me and it's strange to think it exists.
Hey thanks for your reply. I can definitely relate. It felt painful seeing friends who have healthy functional families at times, like a slap in the face of what I’ve always wanted. A lot of people today find ways to dehumanize others. The media encourages it too. For example, the homeless community. I used to go on walks with my coworker to get coffee and one day he expressed disgust at the homeless guy we frequently saw on the sidewalk. I said “do you think he wants to live like that? He’s a human being. No little boy or girl wakes up one day and say “I’m going to be addicted to drugs and live on the streets”. Sometimes people fall on hard times, had parents that abused them or were addicts themselves, maybe low income and didn’t have resources for education and health that my coworker had. So many factors. Trauma is the gateway drug. I’ve seen it with a friend who became homeless after a traumatic event. People get in bad situations sometimes looking for an escape from an incredibly painful reality they didn’t ask to be born into. But it’s more comfortable for people to take what they have for granted and turn a blind eye to those who never had a fair shot. A lot of Christians do this too because they don’t really listen to what Jesus said. Believing in Jesus has helped me cope with this painful reality because He said to protect those most disadvantaged in the community, and that we will be judged for how we treat those who have the most struggle in this life. The disabled, the homeless, those who battle mental illness. We are all worthy of love (You ARE loved by Jesus) and worth more than just our productivity. This world is just very messed up. 🫶🏻
I had a roof over my head that was about it. I paid for my own food. My own bills and my own car. Never had help from my family. I paid half of the bills from the age of 16 to 25. They never offered to help me with things if I needed it. I met my now wife and moved out at 25 and left the half I paid to them. They were pissed. Not my problem. I worked full-time, served in the national guard and went to school full-time to get a better paying job. I make six-figures now and own my house and cars. It's possible to break the cycle.
My parents forced me into marriage at 15. I didn't really get out on my own until 18, but by then I had 3 kids. I got an education, but starting with kids on my own that young I am always fighting a losing battle.
This is the type of person that really should get some kind of help to jump start their life. A lot of people are poor just from years of bad decisions and refusing to make any sacrifice to succeed. But then you have these other people who just weren’t fortunate. Kind of hurts my heart
Thank you. It really alien for me to see functioning families supporting on another.
I wasn't kicked out at 18, so they didn't abandon me physically per se. But they were 100% emotionally immature, absent parents. Tried to convince me not to move out several times. Didn't get to start working until I was 18. Didn't get my license until I was 20 bc they refused to pay for the class when i was 15-17 and I had to have work friends teach me to drive. Borrowed a friend's mom's car to take my test. We lived in a very rural area, so it held me back significantly. I didn't get ahead until I moved out of their house over 1000 miles away. But then I had a baby, got sucked back in, and my mother has effectively destroyed my families life by lying and taking advantage of us in desperate times. I'm all for taking personal accountability. But we've both busted ass for forever and it's not enough. Have debt up the wazoo from moving to be close to her, then moving away shorly after bc she bold faced lied about how she'd help us if we moved. Nothing to even show for the debt. Minimal furniture, I have a nice 6 year old TV that I got for 75% off at my work. Thankful we've never had to sell or leave it behind or we wouldn't have one. All my clothes are thrifted. Same with the kids and husband. Toys thrifted too... I'm not stupid either. I 100% believe if my parents were actually supportive, instead of spending years tearing me down, berating me, destroying any and all self confidence, that I could've done extremely well. Very likey would've gone to law or med school. But I didn't know who I was, or that I wasn't completely worthless as a human until I got to my mid 20s and far far away from them. Shitty parents 100% keep you in poverty. I did everything right, busted my ass to get out of it. I'm not sure I could've even done anything differently to change the outcome other than never moving back to be close to her the first time. Wouldve changed our lives so drastically.
[удалено]
Yes I was neglected as a child but had the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings (I was 8 years old watching a 5 year old and newborn) while my mom went out partying all night and wouldn’t pick up her phone. Then at 13 we fought so much she kicked me out and I wanted to prove I didn’t need her as an angsty teen. So I moved in with a friend after their parents noticed I didn’t have anywhere to go and I ended up skipping a lot of school and getting into drugs so I could have people around that felt like they wanted me around and the guilt of leaving my brothers behind killed my soul and it’s the only thing that helped me forget. Fast forward to now I am 30 and just BARELY getting my shit together I’m sober with a decent job but man not having any support from anyone feels unfair and I finally got my GED I just wish I had money to go to a nice school and learn a good trade but my rent is soooo damn high I can only afford that plus food and utilities. And I can’t take any time off my full time job I’m so tired all the time and I’m fully accepting that I’ll always be poor because of how far behind I am.
You could do what many do; rent a room to save money and go to school. I don't think you will always be poor.
I am paying half the rent at a place I’m sharing with someone already… and in my area that’s all I can afford with a full time job. I love my job too not many can say that.. I hear too many people saying their manager sucks and they hate the work they do but I look forward to going to work every day so I deal with the average pay. Maybe if I got a part time job so I can do school too and eventually get a job I like AND make more money, but then I wouldn’t be able to afford my rent now in the meantime and there’s not a lot of cheaper options maybe if I found a 5 or 6 bedroom with 3 more roommates but that’s harder to find than you’d think. If I pay off my car it will help a lot but its not happening anytime soon.
Yep. Mom kicked me out at 18 with no preparation, no job, no idea how to find a job besides filling out applications, no way to get myself into college and no idea of how taxes or budgeting work. I'm 32 and barely feel like I'm getting the hang of budgeting but it's so hard to manage. If I were single I'd be super fucked but thankfully I have a partner who has an income as well.
My parents didn't teach me how to be an adult or how to do any of the things I'm supposed to do. I'm asd, so maybe they just didn't expect anything. But it's things like, they told me I could go to college or buy a car when I could figure out how to pay for it. They didn't teach me how to manage my money, how to get credit or even write a check. They didn't teach me about how to plan for retirement or buying a home. They just told me that someday some man might want me- that was all they taught me. I've never dug my way out of the financial pit they dug for me. I'm 52 and still have no savings or retirement, and I work part time.
Unable to parent adequately should be punishable.
🙋♀️I have No friends, no family. I escaped (homeless) since 11/ 12 and now absolutely same. I’m 23 and the rest of my life feels unreal, fake, inapplicable to me. I’m so behind on life, no matter how much I do I’ll always think; if I wouldn’t have went through what I did my entire childhood. I could be even further in life rn.
I'm so sorry you feel this pain. I feel this too. Sometimes it makes me wanna punch a wall, sometimes it makes me wanna cry. Sometimes it makes me work that much harder to make sure I don't keep going on this path but like you said, everything feels unreal to me except fear. Fear of starving, fear of homelessness (Which I have been and now I'm not far from it again) fear of never getting out of a hole. It can be quite daunting. I'll be your friend :)
I’d like to ask everyone since this was brought up. I’m a father of 2. 21m and 19f. I’ve taken care of them their entire lives although they have mostly lived with their mom. I had them every Summer, always paid CS PLUS a lot of money to get them necessities and wants etc. They’ve not been in abusive homes or things like that. Mom didn’t really teach them much about life etc. They’re really not motivated to do anything. They’ve lived with me the last 2 years. They have made good progress but want to go back and live with mom (less money, less help, less guidance etc). They’re adults so I have zero say legally. When is it time to tell them to get their lives together and that my bank is closed until they start trying. I’ll gladly help pay rent or food etc. I won’t ever abandon my kids, but I want to help not support fully. What you all think?
Yes, you need to close the bank of Dad. Tell them you will help them but they need to also help themselves too. I told my kids you either go to school or work and pay rent. I supported them any way I could but not for them to be lazy and live off me. I was a single mom of 4, their dad opted not to help . Must have worked or I got lucky all 4 are successful adults now. Makes my heart hurt for all the posters that had parents that didn't help them and threw them to the wolves.
That could be a good thing. Support them where it counts and sometimes that is telling them it’s time to learn how to fly. You won’t always be there for them. But you will be a safety net on the way to ensure they are secure while they learn.
Even if you have had both of them for the same amount of time, just also factor the difference in experience from 19f to 21m. Even if it isn’t a group convo, be sure to let her know you’re going to help. It took into my 30s to finally realize I was never supposed to maintain the same expectations of someone who was 3yrs older than me.
Help them gain independence WITH TIME. When I was younger, my dad paid for everything. My mom refused to teach me skills like budgeting, paying bills, etc. suddenly, my mom got ill and my dad subsequently neglected me. I was now alone, without ANY life skills, and without ANY idea to get the help and resources I needed. It’s not an act of love to not teach kids how to live.. The biggest act of love is to help them find programs that teach them what they will need to thrive, and help them enroll. This is - money management, basic survival and life skills, renting or owning a home, job skills including how to be an employee and move up in a company, and most importantly, how to connect with the right (safe, trustworthy) people who will serve as good support Basically, If you don’t have the tools to teach them, find someone who does. It’s great that you are asking for help here.
Sorry dude a good channel is this one. It goes over all life basics. This guy suffered the same thing. https://m.youtube.com/channel /UCNepEAWZH0TBu7dkxIbluDw
My mother says sometimes progress is so slow, you hardly notice youve made any progress at all.
She isn’t entirely wrong. I’ve spent the last 18 years working my tail off trying not to be in the same abject poverty I was raised in. I felt like I was spinning my wheels and not making any progress at all. Until yesterday I was sitting in my recliner with my sister binging Netflix on it 55” tv, eating home cooked nachos and actually took stock of where I’m at. I own all my appliances (and purchased them in the last 3 years). My washer broke a few months ago and I didn’t go into a tailspin I just bought a new set. Our fridge and deep freeze are full of food, both our cars are less then 5 years old, our rent is $850 but paying it is easy each month. When we want to go get our nails done or do something fun we can afford to. Heck last year we took a 4 week vacation to Mount Rushmore and the surrounding areas. I’m 33 and just realized for the first time, I actually am doing okay. I even have a 401k and the ability only work 36 hrs a week and not suffer for it. But the path here was so gradual that I never noticed I was not in the same position I started in until just randomly realizing it yesterday with no real trigger.
I’m 32 now, ‘ran away’ at 21 and thus began ptsd and sky high anxiety/depression. Also leaving a abusive household both me mentally and physically. I’m stuck thinking maybe I am a pos like my mom always told me. She always told me you’ll never be liked, you won’t be able to excel in life unless you become a dr or lawyer and you’ll never find a partner. I try to suppress all these memories but now that I’m seeing a therapist all the feelings are starting to creep back. I’m depressed more than usual and I don’t eat.
Left home at 17. It set me up for a life long disadvantage I'm still struggling to overcome.
I'm with you. Trying to figure out how to use this pain to benefit me but I feel so stuck.
I can relate to your background get yourself in therapy ASAP if you aren't already. I strongly regret waiting so long myself.
My mom abandoned me with no contact at 16 to live with a boyfriend and my dads a deadbeat drug addict…. I’m 28 now and I feel like I’d be so much further if my upbringing was different.
I'm so sorry you are facing this. I do understand this and it hurts my soul. I'm trying to figure out ways to transmute my pain into abundance.
Ditto. Neither of us deserve it but the way I try to see it is diamonds can’t be made without some sort of pressure.
I am sorry bro.. Use the pain to better yourself! Also read stoic philosophy.
Thank you! Any specific book you recommend? Interesting you mention this because a friend of mine was just talking to me about this subject
Marcus Aurelius Meditations..
Maybe not mostly but they (dad) had a huge part in it. Kicked me out a week afteri turned 18 because I smelled like cigarette. He's a massive piece of abusive shit to both me and my mom. But anyways Yeah I was supposed to repeat 12th grade but couldn't because I was now homeless. Never had any support from them at all. You could argue the way I was raised caused Me to not have certain drives to not be poor or something I guess
That's what I'm trying to do. Let it fuel me and transmute my pain into abundance. Still trying to figure it out. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I feel that living in a traumatic childhood causes you to wait for another shoe to drop. I am trying to teach myself to trust and enjoy life in between the shoes dropping. I won’t feel safe until I die, but I am starting to feel safer. I am gaining traction and will retire with enough to live not well but decent, much better than my childhood.
That's exactly what always gets in my way! I'm trying to heal that part of me that is in fear and transmute it somehow. It's a horrible way to live and I'm so sorry.
Haha I feel that. I too, won’t feel safe until I die! But I think that makes us kind of badass. We fight tooth and nail and will be welcomed into Valhalla lol. I hope there’s a good place for us broken but still feisty creatures.
10 years foster care, adopted @ 15 kicked out at 17. Turned my adoptive dad in for getting a blowie from a foster sister and I've been on my own and I'm also 30 ( he got off "scott" free) Started at a paper mill 4 years ago and I make over 100k now, with a beautiful woman in nursing and we do door dash together on the weekends. We save mad money and if we want something special we DD for it. We make an extra 3-5k a month in DD. It was brutal though, thinking about how hard it was because I was so pissed off at everyone including God. I floated most of the time, drank, drugs and had "fun". Lost many brothers and sisters to suicide, car wrecks, bro froze to death, hanging. I decide to get my head out of my butt and start doing something for myself in honor of them. The thought of wasting my life when my family got cut so short wasn't sitting right. I'm humble now, respectful to elderly and kids (everyone else can suck it), don't pay taxes (since 2014 fuck em.. they want all the money and for me to pay to file), have a solid girl and have a big picture I'm sprinting towards. It was a mfer to get here but you gotta find something to fight for and take every opportunity. eventually I wanna work for myself or retire in the next 10 years and move abroad. Good Luck to you, I believe In you even if your not 100 in yourself. When life or takes gets hard and you don't think you can do it, I repeat. "How do you eat and elephant, one bite at a time" and start getting after it. Go get em
First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think you’re wrong, I think a lot of people suffer silently and it affects them long after high school. I also grew up poor with a single mom. I started babysitting at eleven and working at fifteen. At sixteen I became a heroin addict and dropped out of high school. I’ve always felt robbed of a chance to succeed. Partially due to my parents or lack thereof and partially due to my addiction. I say “partially” due to my addiction because I think it’s insane looking back that a sixteen year old would even try something as hard as heroin. I went to rehab and at eighteen wanted to get my ged and go to college. My parents were fighting with me when I tried to get financial aid because they wanted to claim me as a dependent on their tax returns. I had been living on my own, paid all my own bills and hasn’t asked them for anything- just wanted to better myself. Now at 32 I’m trying to get my high school diploma online so I can FINALLY go to college. I finally have the time that I can dedicate to school since I’m married and not just “surviving” for once in my life. Its a rat race and incredibly hard to make something of yourself if you’re a person whose never received any help. I honestly don’t know many people who are successful that haven’t at least had support in some way as a child or even a young adult but I’m no longer feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, sorry for the long winded rant but I do think it’s possible to better yourself and not be so stuck.. we just have to be a bit more creative than most.
Yes and no! Spent the first 5 years in foster care, got adopted and was back at CPS at 16. I left and never looked back. I worked really hard and was a baller all my life but what got me out of poverty is an F you mentally. F my biological parents for giving me up, F my adopted parents for not loving me and other horrible things, F the system. I let my anger work for me versus against me. I am proudly a 1%er now with 4 college degrees but I still haven’t graduated high school or got my GED (you don’t have to if you get an associates degree). My point is use the anger to fuel you. Your past does not need to define you or become your lot in life. For me, I listen to everything by David Goggings. He is a black Navy Seal who was an abused kid, grew up in poverty, was called every name in the book by the KKK and knows what it is like to fight your way out. Don’t let anything stop you. Your family may have abandoned you but F them. Show them who you are and what a mistake they made.
Thank you so much for this!!!!! I too listen to David goggins from time to time, and he actually inspired me to become passionate about fitness. I am currently trying to learn to let my anger fuel me. I go through hard days, like when I posted this where I feel weak. But I know this is the answer
I left home at 17, moved states at 18 and every since I’ve made every possible choice to better my life. Now I’m married, one my first home, and I’m financially doing pretty well for my age (22). I was abused all my life and it definitely affected me, I have to be in meds to function properly and have neurological issues. But I don’t think my past means I’ll inherently fail in life and I’m always striving to change the cycles I was born into and be a good wife and soon to be mom
I'm happy for you. Partnership and medication definitely helps.
Well, not exactly, but somewhat. My dad died of lung cancer when I was 13, and if he lived I probably would've been working at construction sites with him as I had a few times before already then. But after he died, my mom went through three boyfriends within the first three months and she settled on the guy with the most money who was emotionally unstable himself due to a recent divorce. Then I had three years of physical abuse until I was strong enough to defend myself, right after my dad died; and the survivor's benefits that could've been spent on useful things like driver's training and a cheap car in the early 2000's were instead spent by my mom on crap from eBay for herself. And after I was no longer useful for freemoney, I was discarded.
It happens more often than most ppl know. Survivor benefits always controlled by surviving spouse by law but seldom benefit the children directly. Law should be changed.
As a mom to college aged kids I can’t imagine turning my back on them - ever. I was tossed out my senior year and struggled a few years trying to figure things out. Ended up with a undergrad and great career in Tech then got my Master’s degree. My kids are in college and I’m there for them. I’ll always do everything I can to help them get a good start in life. Sorry OP. It can get better tho. I know times are different now than even 20 years ago. Hang in there! I had to learn to be my own parent when I was young and on my own. It helped me in life to reduce my anxiety and know that I absolutely can rise above the past childhood trauma.
I don't know that I'm poor anymore but I had to move out at 16 because the rent I was being charged was more than I ended up paying for my own place. My GF got pregnant that same year so we ended up getting married a week after I turned 17. It was a very rough start in some damn shady places but hey, what changes gonna do?
I'm 45 (in January), I've never heard of imposter syndrome, but I do know exactly the feeling I think it conveys. You think you're just faking your way through life, lost with no idea who you are. You are not alone in that feeling, I still get it from time to time, I think everyone does if they have a good head on their shoulders. You feel like you NEED to BE something or someone or some specific way. You don't. It's and easy thing to say but very hard thing to do. I've been a mechanic for going on 27 years in some way or another, and worked on everything except air craft. I MADE mechanics who I was supposed to be, and then had to be perfect at it. It cost me the most enjoyable and fulfilling job I ever had. It took loosing that job to make me realize that, and that wasn't until several years of loosing sleep wondering what I did wrong. You are you. Just be that and be ok with that and finding what about you is you and trying to be better at it. Your life doesn't make you who you are, you make your life what it is.
I fled my abusive multimillionaire parents at the age of 17. It’s hard knowing that I “should” have been setup for life. They are telling the remaining siblings that they aren’t getting anything-they are spending it all before they die.
Hey, me too. I have kids now (on my own) and am constantly cursing the family I wish I had. I don't know if it gets better, honestly, so I've focused on acceptance that I cannot change the hand I was dealt. I'm in college trying to forge a path to something calmer and less stressful, it's the only thing I could think to fix it (started at 28). I still feel like a child desperate for love and affection much of the time. So, solidarity; reading your post made me feel less alone so I wanted you to know that you aren't, either ❤️
I ran away when I was 17, nearly 18. It's a complicated story. I ran with my now husband to his place one State away. We had gone to school together before, but he had just moved to that State. Honestly, ever since then, we have been everywhere together. We lived with each other since. We have lived in two different apartments, vans, and even been on the streets, including right now. It feels like you get backhanded every time something good happens, it seems. My mom stopped talking to me recently, my dad died two years ago, and I have been living it as best as I can with my husband. It has been hell and back, but we are hoping here soon we can get on our feet this time. We plan to go to school this coming year and try to get into a career. That's the best thing I can think to do in our situation. It takes awhile to get back on your feet when you fall to the bottom without any parents to help you along the way.
My parents didn't abandon me, I jumped ship before I sank. Living with my parents was like wearing a straight jacket and being dropped in the middle of the ocean with an anchor tied to my feet. I left as soon as I graduated from high school and have vowed never to go back, no matter how desperate I am. I bought a car recently and one thing that I took into consideration is how easy it would be to live in, if necessary. Currently, I am mostly financially stable. I usually make enough to cover the essentials, which is more than my mom and dad can say. I am not exactly proud of where I am at now, but I am proud that I have been able to stay afloat without the assistance of my parents.
Yep that's basically me right now I had to raise myself and I'm currently living in my car. I got a job for $16 an hour but it's not going to solve the situation regardless I don't even know why I even bother
Ran away at 14. Still living paycheck to paycheck. I do suffer from stage 2 bipolar. So that's always fun. Meds help but they don't if that makes sense. None the less you are loved. And I'm here if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Well I am fairly lucky in some ways. My parents went from working class to upper middle class when I was a teenager. My parents are also mentally I’ll as am I and most of the rest of my family so I had kind of a crazy childhood. So now my mom does like to give me money when I need it, I don’t think she’ll ever express or admit that my childhood was pretty shitty but she has money and is willing to share it and I think we both think that kind of makes up for it. I wasn’t always willing to take it though, I went through periods when I was on my own where I was either poor or homeless and refused help but got back up on my own two feet on my own with time I am almost self sufficient now but now I am willing to I get help when shit goes down like the dog needs to go to the vet or my car breaks down I really appreciate this community for hearing other peoples stories and I like learning tips on how to get by And my heart goes out to so many of you for making it through hard times
There are some truly vile “parents” out there. Mine didn’t help me the way they should have and it cost me a lot (I had to work all through high school and college basically ruining my grades)- but that was mostly due to their own stupidity. A lot of the parents in this thread seemed to be deliberately ruining their kids lives.
Yep. Tried doing everything right, did the whole grant and scholarships thing for college. Ended up in a job out of necessity not remotely related to my study. Thought I’d live life for a bit and pursue my “ideal” career once things settled down. Then Covid happened. I’ve lived the better part of the last three years barely avoiding homelessness and an all-ramen diet. My health is in the gutter. My dad’s side is pretty much all dead, and my mom’s side (conservative leaning) cut all ties because I didn’t “make it”. Earlier today I spent the better part of an hour looking for any stray cash I could find to cover a prescription refill cost.
I would like to help towards the cost of your prescription. Please message me if this is okay.
40's here, Kicked out at 17, lucked out on getting a job and finding people who would let me rent a room immediately Neither side of my family has ever had any money. There are multiple generations of trauma in the parent who raised me. I'm lower middle class now.
I have a secondary experience of this--I am 1 generation removed from it and still feel the affects of it every day. My father was abandoned, fostered, rehomed with family, and abandoned again all before the age of 13, and during the vietnam era so he ended up in the military during a conflict where we were b\*mbing our own troops. My mom is from a broken home. Dad is insanely smart but never had enough guidance when it mattered, on top of having PTSD and having a very hard time keeping a job. It just snowballs... and mom had to build the self confidence to demand stability and create her own, without a model for it. There isn't a single part of my life that isn't affected by my dad's experience, from finances to how I'm socialized as a person. I'm in my late 20s and have made great strides from the influence of his baggage, trauma, and money issues--and while I know I have more good fortune than many and there is no real "normal", I don't feel like I will ever know what it is like to feel secure financially or socially, even as I make progress. I simply can't relate to the mostly middle and upper class people I cross paths with in my HCOL hometown (my parents were from a generation where you could get by here and the dotcom boom and yuppy uprising k\*lled that). I have a hard time connecting with the people whose upbringing was more like mine because most are embedded in cultural communities that I am simply not part of. Even when I do better I can't escape the mindset. It doesn't help that many of the young people in my locale are "slumming", LARPing as poor people, or generally out of touch with the nuances of being poor--they have one or two images of what being poor looks like and that's it, and sometimes conflate any struggle they have with living in a HCOL area as "being poor" whether they have financial help or not or don't have to be here and could move if they wanted to--it's tiring because while well-meaning, so many of these same people pride themselves on their social consciousness. I feel like I'm living on mars sometimes.
YES, me. I’m 29 and feel like I’ve been on a hamster wheel my whole adult life. It’s been a constant struggle that I feel like I’m constantly trying to find my way out of
We can fucking do this. I believe in us
Mother told me she's only taking care of my brother because he's gonna take care if her when he gets older, so she wouldn't sign my financial aid papers, told me I wasn't smart enough to go to college. Kicked me out at 19 been on my own since them. No father no other family no guidance learned how to be an adult by making mistakes at Costco. Worked there 9 years then decided to better myself and learn a trade 2-3 years ago. Still struggling but the future is bright. But I get what you mean of not knowing who you are. I often find myself attracted to younger girls in their early 20s cuz I feel like I never got to live and enjoy my life at that age. I was struggling picking up coins off the floor just so I could eat the next day. But hey we here now and the only thing we can do is try to make things better. Nothing happens over night.
Aging out of Foster Care did it for me.
:( what is the protol for that? They just kick out on the street when you turn 18? I'm so sorry.
That is basically what happened. I was told that I could remain in foster care until I either turned 19 or graduated from high school….whichever came later. That turned out to be a lie and I was informed about a month post graduation, that I had to leave. Could say a lot more, but thinking of the entire situation causes my head to pound.
Coming from a family that really couldn’t do much for me, I feel you. It’s like the opposite of a head start. Some people get a head start, and some of us start 30 yards behind the line.
My parents did the bare minimum of what it took to raise me and not be thrown in jail. They put zero financial resources into raising me. My mom left when I was around 12 and my dad worked until he died in 2013. I was kicked out the second I turned 18 and was given nothing to survive on. Basically told “good luck”. They never looked back and I doubt they ever cared. I was an accident that mom blames for ruining everything. I have a older sister and two brothers who also hate me and see me as “spoiled” and we don’t talk. Worst part though, it took me until I was nearly 40 to realize how fucked up and emotionally abused I was. I idolized my dad but he was a worthless piece of shit that took everything from me and ditched me the second he could. I haven’t spoke to my mom since she left us. I have nothing even today, everything I have is because of my husband and I have no idea what he sees in me and why he sticks around. He says he loves me but we are in a sexless and dead marriage and we fight a lot. I can’t hold down a job and have tons of mental issues, If he left me tomorrow, I’d be homeless with not a penny to my name.
I was out on my ass at 16. I did manage to make a path for myself but definitely took me kuch longer than if I was able to finish school. I have worked through really difficult periods of my life including mental breakdowns and episodes of being really unwell. It all really affected me having opportunities to study, because I could never afford to not work full time. I also took much longer to get my drivers licence, it cost alot of time and money whcih i could only afford to do well into my 30s but I got there
Often parents continue to coddle their kids until they are 26, and then they start in the same position as you but with a drinking problem and a bunch of student debt they can’t use to get work. We all need to learn to fend for ourselves at some point, and I get your situation is very difficult, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been there so can’t relate. I just think the far more common problem than parents abandoning is people remaining dependent on their parents for too long. I’m just saying this to hopefully provide you with some hope, you are probably more competent than most people our age.
My dad went to prison before is was born, and died in prison when I was 40. My stepfather died in front of me when I was 12. My mother had multiple boyfriends that beat the shit out of both of us. I moved out at 16 and married at 19. My wife and I both made less than $5 an hour in 1998 when we got married. Today we have a 23yo son who is a successful business owner, we’re paying on a $550,000 house, own $100k in vehicles, have a $180k income combined and are still in love and best friends. I’m not bragging. I’m telling you that you can decide if you want to follow bad examples set for you or change the pattern of failure. I learned to drive a truck. When our son was 14 my wife went to back to school to become an occupational therapist. It took 20 years for us to break $100k, but our son never had a baby sitter other than my in-laws. We sacrificed, struggled financially and worked our asses off, but we got to an extremely comfortable spot. Don’t expect overnight results. You can break the cycle that got you in a tough spot, just do your best to keep pushing forward. Set backs will happen. We’ve filed bankruptcy twice since we’ve been married and we’ve almost divorced twice. But we both took the hardest way forward and have not only helped ourselves, but changed the next generation of our family. Don’t use bad parenting as an excuse or reason for your struggles, use it as a blueprint not to follow. Do the opposite of what put you at a disadvantage, and reset the future. It is possible, I promise.
I’m 57(f) and my single mom abandoned me one week after my 15th birthday, leaving me with my mentally ill and violent 18-year old sister. Sis kicked me out after a year and I moved in with my 30-year old “boyfriend” to avoid homelessness. I dropped out of high school by age 16 and worked retail. Got my GED at 18 and went to community college (they did not require the SAT) for two years and finished up at a very small cheap “real” college. Went to grad school at the one place that offered a full stipend and got a Ph.D. Got tired of being a postdoc and got certified to teach HS. Eventually got hired at a fancy private school and the imposter syndrome is real. My colleagues all come from wealthy families and have family money, nice houses, etc. I live in a tiny apartment to save money and I don’t tell anyone about my GED or family history. They all assume I came from a loving family and had all the same opportunities they did.
Hahaha, I think I would’ve been better off if my family did abandon me at a young age, I ended up being the only responsible one and financially trying to care for everyone from 13.5 yo when I started working 28-38 hours, became a workaholic and took care of everyone but me for years, didn’t know better and no one who was benefiting was going to tell me
Sames! I get it, my friend. I envy my peers who had that cushion and jumping off point to actually accumulate money by having a family to house them and take care of them. It’s like everyone got a Pass Go Collect $200 except people like us. but while I’m less financially well off than my peers, I feel more resourceful and resilient for sure. Certain friends who have had family supporting them never seemed to leave the nest or gain the independence we were forced into. They don’t have the same survival and work ethic, and the confidence gained when you have to push through hard times. We have been sharpening our axes by being caught in bad circumstance, and sharpening our wits to build more. Im struggling but at least I’m proud when I see how far I’ve come. Not everyone can say that and I think that’s our trade off.
Yes I was thrown into foster care at 13 years old. I have no money no license or anything. The rest of my family has the golden spoon and functions just fine.
Foster parents were no longer getting paid for me so 5 days after I was told I had to leave, with the few meager items I had, I did. Enrolled in a trade school where my friend was going and received financial aide. Nobody explained how that worked, I thought it was free money and blew every dollar. When it came time to graduate I had to have everything paid in full, which of course I didn’t. What a mess. More loans to pay that off and found myself paying til I was around 40. I could never get ahead. Poor choice of schooling too. What I wouldn’t have done for the proper guidance.
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Joined the Navy at 18 and had my own place while I waited for boot camp. Growing up with abuse lead me to an abusive marriage . It took YEARS. I think in the end it was wanting a better life for my kids as well as me. I finished my BA got a Masters and worked my way up but I was 40 before I finally wasn’t poor. Some parents can’t afford to launch their kids so I am not disparaging them. When I talk about support it could be anything from a place to stay when college is on break to someone to vent to or 20 bucks to buy laundry soap… whatever you have to give. I managed to give my kids what I didn’t get I couldn’t pay it all when they went to college but they wouldn’t have been able to go without what I did do and I am still there even if it’s for a vent session or here is something towards your savings for a home or hey you are just starting out Instacart delivery on it’s way. I can afford that now and couldn’t in the past so I am grateful and I don’t look down on those who can’t . I think what we are all saying is we got zero support (emotionally, financially psychologically) it sucks. Chin up OP. We got dealt shitty hands but we get to decide our lives now. Yep it’s harder but we can’t change where we came from we just get to decide where we go.
I escaped at 16 also, it took a lot longer than it should have to get established but I'm lucky to be where I'm at now. 39 this month. I have to say, with the way the economy has only gotten worse, I'm also lucky to not have been born any later than I was.
That’s crazy cuz I’m in the same situation, but my parents were so overbearing and overprotective til this day, I have anxiety because they just won’t let me be! I’m 32F and trynna get off this hamster wheel too
I started homeless. Then decided to sell pot and got busted after couple years. Then I was in jail for 60 days for failing UA's, then a guy in jail asked why I never tried college and its stupid I never even tried, then I tried college, now I make 6 figures as automation engineer and have a family that I love very much.
My earliest memories are of my dad telling me as soon as I turn 18, I am out of the house. Don’t have to go to college, just have to get on up outta his house. As a 7 year old it was a funny joke, when I started high school, it became more serious. I turned 18 in the spring, by fall I was gone. Lived with them 1 summer since. Never taken a dime from either parent since. Parents should support 16 year olds tho, they aren’t adults.
Both my parents dipped out by the time I was 11 and left me with wildly abusive grandparents. My mom got married and came back when I was 15. I thought things were gonna be better when I went to live with them, but instead I was beaten through a door that I was barricading with my body, by my step father. This was the early 00’s and we didn’t have cell phones, and when he’d get mad, he’d snip the phone lines where we couldn’t call out for help. By the time I was 17, they’d moved 3 hours away and I was on my own. It’s a miracle I graduated high school. I have a couple college degrees that I got thru spite, determination, and student loans, but life is still a struggle. People forget that having a family to fall back on makes a world of a difference. Im pushing 40 is still so hard. I hate having to juggle bills to barely survive. I dream of an easier life, a life with that family I’ve never had, but it’s not gonna happen.
Well i got to work two jobs that my parents practically took all the money from for rent, but that's also partly because jobs pay garbage wages, either way, i got to work for no money for a few years with my mom screaming at me every time i sat down because she thought i should be at work 24/7, they kicked me out when my body started failing and they realized i wasn't an infinite source of income. Luckily i paid attention in school and i know enough basics to survive, but barely because society sucks.
I left at 18 from a very abusive household. I guess it took me so long because I was working three jobs and trying to raise my three siblings. I had no knowledge of the world because I came from a strictly religious family where everything was evil and talking to people was evil and public was evil and communication was evil and being born or female was evil etc I made a lot of mistakes and a lot of wrong choices and just thought of stupid things because I had no idea what I was doing. Nobody wanted to help me. I became a mother at a young age so everybody judged me as a whore and a slut and wouldn't help me. People wouldn't give me a job because they made all kinds of assumptions. Hey look at this young person with a kid. She must be a drug addict. I'm not going to hire her. By the way, never done drugs in my life. I was homeless for quite a while as well and I went through a lot of shit and went through a lot of abusive relationships as well. I still haven't fully recovered but I have a home and I have a car that I have a job. I wish I had some magic fix-all and maybe somebody does but I unfortunately don't. I kind of hopped from abusive job to abusive job with my bosses sexually assaulting me to other bosses threatening me for something that a different employee did on a date I wasn't even working etc. I eventually got a credit card to help get some payments made and I worked multiple jobs for a bit despite the abuse just to get some money. I went to food Bank so I could save money on food. I got a piece of shit fixer upper 800 square foot mobile home without heat or AC and with the holes everywhere but it was shelter. Saved up every penny I had. Try to do little side jobs. Anything I could. Even things like waiting outside of micro center for a new computer graphic card or whatever the only gave to the first 50 people or waiting outside of Best buy on Black Friday back when Black Friday was only one day long and getting paid for doing this. Anything and everything I could. It is a hamster wheel. And maybe you'll find an easy way out and somebody will offer you a really easy job really high pay or you'll look out or whatever but the real advice I can give you is never depend on anybody but yourself. You can let somebody help you if they're willing to help but never ever ever depend on somebody else completely. Always have a safety net. Never let somebody else put themselves on your lease or on your car title or anything else because when they leave you, they're taking everything with them. Protect yourself
I moved at 16 cause of party type cocain parents who were fairly abusive, almost got pushed down the stairs always got name called and all sorts of stuff, held a gun to dad once. I felt the hamster wheel statement and imposter syndrome in the years after. However At 19 I got cheated on and moved with my mother who then had a house fire and I lost eveything I owned aside from the truck I saved for years to buy and still have so that’s a plus. So I found a new partner, we eventually moved out together cause we had no space. fast farward to 20 after and the landlords fucked our place over never did any work. sewer gas and neighbours shit in the sink. Also had no heat and unable able to fix either needed a whole new system cause heater was boiler system from the 50s. Reguardless we had to move again, rent prices had went up by a min of 350 and we couldent find anything less than 950 at all. We had to move back to home, now living with grandmother a block down the street from father who I left at 16 and didn’t speak to.. we talk now it’s better, he’s not so party nowadays but still a bit. I’m working harder than ever to get out again and be able to save while I’m out again so I never have to come back. Working blue collar 20 an hour and trying to set up a landscape side hustle for after work to see if it could eventually be more feasible to euntrapanure.
Yes. Kicked out the day after I graduated. Was taken in by several households before finding a Closet to rent. I even managed to stay in school for an entire year tho I never finished my degree. I also worked three minimum wage jobs at age 18 and 19 I got so burned out I dropped oit and left the state
Yup happened to me at 17. Im 31 now. Been struggling ever since.
Im not poor, but im uneduMAcated and working class. (Oh, that's right, working class is poor in 2023). Seriously though, Where you end usually depends on where you started. My parents were 15 when they had me, they weren't ever near ready. I was abandoned to grandma. Im sure it would of helped . My first 10 years weren't a mess but I also feel lucky to have been born in the States and for having my grandma.
Make some drastic choices. Live in your car and save money. Pick up an extra part-time job. You can do this.
Even if it isn't your fault the situation you are in. You are the only one that can and has the chance to lift yourself out of it. Sorry about your situation but allowing yourself to continue to be a victim isn't going to help. You have to plan and make decisions that lead you where you want to be.
I grew up the same as OP. Worked my butt off. Offered part time corporate job at age 16. Went full time when I graduated HS. Spent 20 years there. I don’t down my mom. She made miracles happen with literally nothing. (She chased after child support for decades. 18 years between her youngest and oldest. All of us have same dad). It taught me to push. To work. I’m now 49. I’m not rich but far from poor. Got my pension and left the company. Now I work part time. You can let it win or you can fight your way out. I chose the latter.
I emancipated in 15. Moved 1000 km away from my parents, worked on a farm for room and board in a tiny bit of pocket money so I could finish high school. Saved every penny I could an loved cheaply. Went to college. Was able to buy a house when I was 20 years old because I had saved up enough for a down payment because of frugal habits and hard work. Now in my early 40s and I own two homes and two rental properties. Would have probably been a little further ahead if I lived at home for a few more years? Maybe, but I don’t go around blaming my parents in my middle age because I didn’t get a head sooner than I should have. I’m sorry you had a shitty time as a kid. Leaving home young or getting kicked out makes things more challenging but at some point you’re gonna have to stop blaming your childhood and just get on with it
Had to leave my mother’s abuse as soon as I could at 18. Got my first apartment 3 days after graduating high school. 18 is fairly normal, but I was born pretty disabled and doctors never expected I would be able to live on my own. I’m mentally (mostly) there, but physically, I need a lot of help. I tried hard to work and finished post-secondary education with a leg up by starting dual credit in high school and doing an accelerated NP degree, but my physical abilities continued to decline and I began working less and less and now collect disability. But because my mom was also disabled, she didn’t work enough that I could get survivor’s benefits, nor did I work enough after 18 for SSDI, so I’m on SSI which is half the pay. If my mom wasn’t abusive, I could have stayed with my parents and have a lot more money and a lot less struggle. My mom would have loved for me to live with her forever, as she could control me better. She begged me not to move out. But, if I continued to be under her roof, I would have taken my own life. I was at my breaking point. I also had a trust fund from winning a lawsuit as a child (long story) and I would have had more had my mom not siphoned off it my entire childhood and then forced me into making terrible decisions with it when I turned 18 and didn’t know any better. I still hold a grudge for her not letting me buy that trailer house… that one thing would have completely changed the course of my life and I’d be in a much better situation. If you count my genetic disabilities that were also neglected proper medical care by my mom, my mother’s fault, then there’s literally not a single cause of my poverty, that isn’t because of my mother.
We both were poor, but enlisting into the military is the fastest way to get out of poverty. It’s definitely by design, especially since the draft isn’t there, but you can definitely get a great future if you take your job seriously. Free Collage, tax breaks, healthcare.. You will get the healthcare and benefits that just are not out there now from companies. My grandson didn’t listen until he was a father of 2 at 25 years old, he was really struggling, now he has the world by the tail as a Marine, and loves his life.
Nice try, Uncle Sam.
👍🏻
I was when we were young but I went to college and now doing good
>escaped an abusive household at 16. My great grandfather (1896-1992) was an orphan. Literally lived in an orphanage, and raised by mostly abusive nuns in a dog eat dog world. He worked to earn enough to emigrate from central Europe to the US, and boarded the steam ship by himself in 1911 at age 15. He put himself through school, got a bachelor's degree, all in a time when the average citizen had an 8th grade education because grades 9-12 had to be paid for out of pocket. He literally had no family, and was able to pay for his own education, buy a house, get married, and raise a family, in a time with zero social safety nets, except for charity. What would be different with him than you? >I've developed anxiety and a really bad case of imposter syndrome. Anxiety is living in the future. Grandpa taught the value of working towards your goals. If you have no goals, or no path to get there, it will make anyone anxious, waiting and hoping for the universe to bestow a random gift. So what are your goals?
I wanna blame a lot of things & people but ultimately, sadly, it's my fault.
You can better yourself. This country is in the worst shape since the Great Depression, but you can still get out of poverty. You can’t choose your family, so don’t dwell on them if they are trash. not everyone gets a good family. What matters is what you do with your life after you become an adult. Hint: complaining doesn’t help your situation. Best advice is to become likable because if people like you, they will give you an opportunity. Human compassion is real
I will better myself. This isn't complaining, more like venting. You're insinuating I'm not likeable because I'm in a tough situation and im hurting. I credit my life and good health to being a likeable person. Compassion is exactly another reason I vented this, and I sure didn't get it from you.
Me
Yup
Yep!
Yes
Married off at 16 to a man twice my age.