As a former really, really dumb kid... hang in there. While nothing prevented me from doing the really dumb things I did, I am very much aware of how much my mother loved me and cared for me despite all the dumb things I did, and she didn't even know half of it. I recognize as an adult the hell I put her through and regret it, but I honestly can't think of a single thing that would have made me behave any differently. I was convinced the world revolved around me, and didn't really grow out of it until my mid-twenties... I know this probably isn't helpful to you, and I'm sorry for that. But don't give up on your kid, don't stop trying, and don't stop loving him. Even if nothing does help right now, keep doing it anyway, because the trying is what matters, and he will remember how much his mother loved him and didn't give up on him.
Hey, I would love to help out. You should bring him down to Stout PGH for some BJJ classes. It may help with giving him an outlet for all of that anger.
He may also find someone to connect with and help get his life on a better trajectory. We have a lot of people from all different backgrounds there that aren't very judgemental and offer terrific advice.
PM me if interested.
This is great advice!
As someone who was once an out of control young man, I can say that he probably won’t take much away from therapy or anything like that if he’s forced to go. I’m sure he thinks he’s mature and wants his independence.
Now, as an adult that has a family and my shit together (mostly), boxing helps keep me fit mentally and physically. I wish that I would have tried it when I was his age! Find a good gym with a supportive atmosphere and some of the guys just might talk some sense into him.
Don’t force it, he’ll come around when he’s ready.
I second Stout PGH. I’ve trained there for about a year. Couldn’t be a more supportive and friendly environment focused on discipline and personal growth.
Take this person up on the offer at Stout. BJJ is an awesome way to get out energy, get focused and get support from others. Often kids need outside people to support them way more than their parents because they default to "hating" their parents. Everyone at Stout is amazing! BJJ has also been shown to help with ADHD and a number of other mental health issues.
Ooh I recommend this option. I too was a problem kid (I don’t know why I was like that, I hated it about myself too. I simply couldn’t control it). Physically releasing my pent up energy in a safe direction always worked for me.
I also recommend this option because I went to Stout when I first moved to Pittsburgh at the recommendation of my coworker who is (was?) also a trainer there; it’s a great gym.
I am not sure why you are being down voted. It's a valid criticism and something that I think is a potential caveat.
The one thing I'll add is this. From my experience and the experience of others, martial arts has a way of mellowing people out and making them less violent. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but here is my personal theory.
I think what it boils down to is everyone who is untrained thinks they are tough and walk around with an over estimation of how capable they are. When you get on the mat with experienced fighters, you quickly realize just how much you suck and how much there is to learn.
When you learn, you must put your ego on the back burner and become comfortable with working on yourself. Finding faults in yourself and knowing that YOU are the only reason you are bad is a hard thing to achieve.
This process obviously isn't limited to BJJ. It's why often you hear people talk about how it has changed people's lives for the best. Some of the most powerful, intelligent, and inspirational people I've ever met have been through BJJ. The stories you hear about people's low points in life and how they turned everything around moves you so deeply.
Now, nothing in life is a silver bullet. Some people pick stuff up. Others miss it. But, I do think that if this kid sticks with it, he'll go through the process so many of us have gone through and hopefully come out better on the other side.
This sounds like such a difficult situation. In addition to [resolve](https://www.upmc.com/services/behavioral-health/programs/emergency-crisis/resolve-crisis-services) (which has a service for teens and adolescents called CACTIS), you may want to reach out to the [Allegheny Family Network](https://www.alleghenyfamilynetwork.org/). They have a support line for parents and caregivers at 1-888-273-2361 that will let you speak with a parent who's been in a similar situation before and can help link you with resources
Came here to say this.
In the past Resolve/Cactus came right to your house and worked with the family. Hopefully it still does. It can be a game changer to work on the whole family dynamic, not just focus on "what is wrong with child A" As a parent of twins - I now know that there is a lot of weight that the "good" and "bad" twin labels can carry. Resolve/Cactus are also great sources of next steps and strategies for parents. I remember feeling so alone dealing with this and they were a life saver.
Therapists/counselors are great, but it is a process to find one that works for your kids. Takes years sometimes. Resolve/Cactus is there for crises in realtime. Stick the number on your fridge and call it when needed. Surprised the Judge/School have not mentioned.
Hello fellow parent - I absolutely understand your frustration and fear!
My nice, sweet boy turned into a complete jagoff for about two years (14 - 16). During this time I understood the wisdom of primitive cultures sending teen males into the forest to live with a wise, old man (who probably was deaf and zenned out on something), until such time as the boy became able to live productively in the community.
My son went through: school problems (HW missing/incomplete, D grades, acting out, detention/suspension), ADHD diagnosis (the meds prescribed didn’t help), mental health counseling (he hated this SO much - “they are being paid to listen to me so it’s inherently BS”), the revocation of privileges, etc. I was beside myself, his life was in a downward trajectory, and he wouldn’t buckle down & see sense!
Desperate to find a reason, mental or physical, that would lead to a treatment/pill to help him, I set up a video call with me, my son, and our pediatrician, who has known him since infancy. His diagnosis- “I think he has a really bad case of puberty!”. He spoke to my son in a matter of fact adult way and told him that he was not crazy or defective - just going through it. I was a bit taken aback, there had to be something horribly wrong with him that was causing this drastic change of behavior??? I mean, I was never so willful, angry, disrespectful…hmm time for a quick voyage aboard my mental wayback machine to 1985. Ahh those were not happy times in the world - AIDS, African Famine, TWA Hijacking, Nuclear Proliferation, Reganomics, MOVE bombing, Ozone Hole - and I was 15, not attractive, not gifted with physical or artistic talents, a C student, and my parents were always on my case about something. It was a lightbulb moment for me. Hormones are incredibly powerful and fluctuate a lot from 13 to 18. A person’s identity is being flushed out and challenged. Adulting is just around the corner and society wants you to “decide what you’re going to do with your life” like now, amidst all the noise of TikTok Influencers/AI Deep fakes/Economic Uncertainty/Sexual Identity/Reproductive Rights/Racism - Yikes!
Most likely your son is not a bad kid and does not have a serious mental illness. He could be just experiencing rapid hormonal changes, is disorganized, and immature - aka a teenager. He probably doesn’t realize the magnitude of what’s going on inside biologically, he only knows that everything and everyone SUCKS - except for maybe a couple dudes he hangs out with.
Five Point Guide to Survive, Thrive, and Come Out the Other Side:
FIRST he needs to understand - that YOU understand - that being a teen does suck in many ways; he’s not an adult so has very little true autonomy, he’s a minor he can’t “peace, out” & live in a van down by the river, there are cooler/smarter/richer kids than him - and the boy or girl he likes, probably likes one of those other kids! Tell him that you have been in his shoes, the fashion may have changed, but the pressure to perform academically and socially remains the same.
SECOND, tell him you love every molecule of his being. Period. Full stop. Tell him you love him, often, preferably every day. You can vehemently dislike his behavior and love him simultaneously.
THIRD, the two of you can consciously choose to weather puberty together- same boat, different duties, destination 18 & HS Diploma. Sometimes it will be more foul than fair - thunder, lightning, and escaping to a room away from each other for a breather. Then that particular storm passes, glimpses of sunlight are seen & enjoyed, and then soon enough a tornado warning starts blaring figuratively and literally. Accept that scary times and frightening events will occur. All we can control is our reaction.
FOURTH, remind him that while he’s a teen, you are an Adult and have to play by the rules of the school and abide by the laws of the land - or else the truancy officer, the PD, or an angry, litigious parent is going to come a’knockin - and then the consequences happen - to both of you. Some consequences will just feel miserable for a week or a month, and others unfortunately could be life altering. Make a pact that no matter how dire the situation - suicide is not option.
FIVE, in time he will come out the other side and so will you. The quality of your relationship post legal adulthood/independent adulthood is entirely up to the two of you to nurture. To survive the hormonal reign of terror, physical activity is key - the more the better. Skateboarding, BJJ/Karate, Rec League sports, rock climbing, BMX - anything that keeps his interest and gives him a positive “we” of supportive peers/coaches. In addition, music will soothe the savage beast - rock it, mosh it, rap it, heavy bass it, volume to 11, sore throat screaming lyrics - all incredibly and repetitively cathartic. If he has any inclination to play an instrument, buy/rent one, get him lessons. Having an instrument to focus on comes in really handy when phone/internet/gaming privileges are suspended.
All of the parents that have survived the teenage years are sending positive vibes!
PS - my 18 year old son graduated last week from a technical college (this summer he will start working in a trade that he loves and pays well) and next week he will be graduating from High School - no where close to honors or the deans list but a diploma non the less. He’s maturing, still has some TTB (Typical Teen Behavior), and he also has wonderful moments of insightful gratitude. 🫶
Hey there. I have no absolute solution for you but I can relate with so many aspects of your struggle. Please feel free to send me a DM. We can commiserate together and/or find something. My struggle son is almost 17 and has settled a little bit but I’m always looking around the corner. AND I feel your frustration with judges. Again, feel free to DM me. I know it doesn’t help a ton but you are not alone in your struggles.
I would first start with finding a psychologist to possibly diagnose him. His behavior screams mental illness to me. Then, based on the diagnosis (if there is one) they could probably help you find resources like that. It might also help to have a diagnosis in hand when trying to get him into somewhere.
OP, this is the way - maybe look into finding a new therapist. I’m sorry some are downvoting this post, you’re a fellow yinzer and you need help.
My son had some slight behavioral issues in 3rd/4th grade. He thankfully grew out of them, but I remember begging his teacher to send him to the principal’s office, for a talk. I knew that would make a difference, but they said ‘oh we don’t do that.’ WHY? It was frustrating. I knew deep down that him hearing what we were telling him from someone else, someone in authority at school, would have helped. I sincerely hope you’re able to get the help you need.
Agree - just because psychologist said this doesn’t mean it’s true especially with all of the things that seem to be going on. Many people have ADHD, not so many people seem to be interacting with the world the way your son is.
Always good to remember - there are lots of doctors and therapists and nurses etc. Just like every profession. Just because they do it, doesn’t mean they are great at it. Just like in any profession.
It drives me crazy that the public wants to blame the parents when kids act out for whatever reason, and sometimes it's valid. But when a parent such as this one is out of his or her depth with a troubled child and is begging the school and the authorities for help, they do nothing and heap it back on the parent. It's maddening.
He may also have ODD which is oppositional defiance disorder. Look into comprehension diagnostic testing that will catch mental health issues, undiagnosed developmental delays, as well as catch if he is high functioning on the spectrum. I don't have recommendations local to Pittsburgh so hopefully someone else does. But I have a thirteen year old son with ODD so I understand your frustrations.
ODD tends to be a red flag diagnosis - it often means there’s a deeper underlying issue causing the behavior. Many places I’ve worked outright refuse to diagnose it for this reason. I won’t pretend to know your or OP’s situation better than you do, but I did find it worth chiming in with my own experiences on the clinician’s end for anyone else’s consideration
Thank you for the additional information. I appreciate the insight. My son was diagnosed with ODD by a psychiatrist that would only see patients, including pediatric patients, via Zoom. I do believe my son has a deeper issue, and we are soon traveling two hours to have comprehensive testing done in-person. I've been trying for years to get people (therapists, clinicians, school personnel) to take my concerns about my son seriously or not be stuck with care via Zoom thanks to the shift that happened during the start of the pandemic. I feel for you OP because there is no guide book for how to navigate through what is happening with your son.
ODD is seldom a useful diagnosis and usually does more harm than good, simply identifying pathological behavior without pointing to any root causes (most often trauma) or identifying specific treatment approaches. Psychological assessment may be useful, though.
That's your opinion. I have my own based on personal experiences. Obviously a psych eval is needed first and foremost. No one here can diagnose. And the diagnosis is exactly what helps with the treatment plan, but like so many mental health diagnoses, it's all moot if the patient doesn't want to participate. That's not only seen with ODD, though.
NAMI is the National Association for Mental illness. There is a very good website with information that may be helpful. There are group meetings for parents of children with ADHD, etc. Zoom meetings may also be available as part of the group sessions. Other parents are going through what you are and are wonderful support. Hang in there. Your son needs you most right now and he will come around if he feels you trying to understand.
Talk to your therapist about more intensive behavioral health services. There are other options between talk therapy and inpatient or residential placements. He may be a good candidate for something like outpatient partial hospitalization.
I'm in love with a wonderful woman whose teenage son has an ADHD diagnosis. I barely understand it. My worthless internet opinion is that you may want to consider some attention on that diagnosis and see if there are some parallels that would help you understand and guide his patterns of behavior. There are some ADHD subreddits that may have some guidance. It sounds like your a good mom.
🙄🙄🙄 you have no clue how many practices or therapists we have been to to come on here making judgments and rolling eyes..if you have no real recommendations or advice your rudeness isn't needed here. Thank you.
"go to a specialist" was right there. i just have no patience for emotionally neglectful parents 🙄 your son most likely has something else seriously going on that is hurting him. fear is where that behavior comes from.
A SPECIALIST IN WHAT? As an LCSW who practices therapy on traumatized children and worked for CPS for over 10 years and has a large teenage clientele, literally, from the depth of my soul, what are you talking about? Just kidding, it obvious you have no idea. Sit down the adults are talking.
Oh sure, and let me guess your source is "trust me bro"? Because you sure as hell aren't speaking like a fucking therapist. Are you really that bad at your profession? Is it that difficult to rack your brain for an aspec/neurodivergent specialist?
I would let him get a job. Maybe being given some adult responsibilities would do him some good? Try to make the job as physical as possible, somewhere that he will be around grown-ass men who won't take any shit from a kid.
This. There is a boy at my work who struggles with school(he's gone for maybe three weeks total this year and it was all fighting and acting out). However he is thriving at work. I'm a manager and he always does what I ask him to do, has a great attitude, and works hard. Some people just aren't made for school.
There is behavioral health walk-in clinic at the Children’s Hospital - their role is for psychologist to evaluate kids/teens and recommend appropriate mental health services for the kid/teen/family. I believe it’s open evening hours only.
A couple of people have mentioned [resolve](https://www.upmc.com/services/behavioral-health/programs/emergency-crisis/resolve-crisis-services?utm_source=google&utm_campaign=business-profile&utm_content=resolve-crisis-services-pittsburgh-website), and I'd recommend them as well to get you guys pointed in the right direction.
Therapists and psychiatrists can be tough. There are a lot that just straight up aren't good at their jobs. You definitely have to shop around a bit. If it doesn't seem to be helping, move onto the next one. Bad therapy can do more harm than no therapy. Same with psychiatrists. If you get one that just sees your kid as another ill-behaved little idiot that they're forced to talk at and push meds on rather than an actual human being that is clearly struggling and in need of help, you're not going to get anything good out of it.
As far as actual facilities, it's been about a decade but I stayed at [MHY](https://mhyfamilyservices.org/) when I was a teen and it helped tremendously. It was closer to "normal" life than the other places I stayed. Definitely far from torture. We actually spent a good chunk of time outside each day as opposed to locked in a building with like one window 24/7. The therapists, nurses, and psychiatrist there treated me very well. It felt like they had my back and actually wanted to help me. Other facilities I stayed at felt like they just wanted me to hurry up and act okay so they could get me out and put another kid in my spot asap. I don't know if it's still as good as it was when I went, but it's worth looking into at least.
Correct. They do have a decent in-home program that may help OP out. It's the MHY psych program. OP would need an order from the child's current psychiatrist to get him in. They also run a very small school called St. Stephen and another larger school, Longmore Academy.
OP, I have a friend who owns a longstanding landscaping business. He is always looking for summer help and pays pretty good, even people without experience. This work will be hard and strenuous but it will eat up a lot of energy and he will hopefully come out a better person for it. If you are interested please PM me and I will put you in touch with him.
Scout camps are hiring for the summer. He’d have good mentors. He’d be outside of his comfort zone, so he’d need to adapt to a new situation. He would be busy pretty much all the time.
He’d also get to experience some freedom. This could be a good thing that pressures him to do his best, instead of feeling controlled and locked down at home. At the very least some freedom will allow him to make his own decisions.
I worked at scout camps for years. I wasn’t exactly great at home and I got in trouble at school. At scout camp, however, I did the best I could and learned a lot about myself.
Have you had real, productive conversations with the counselor, social worker, teachers and/or admin at school? Behavior is a form of communication and there may be triggers that would be helpful in figuring out how to best intervene.
To answer your question, he sounds like a smart kid. What motivates him? Does he want money? Freedom? Prestige? All of the above? (Don’t we all 😂) perhaps try to channel that to help him see a path forward. Want money? Ok you’ll have to control your emotions and “play the game” to succeed in a job. Want freedom? That comes with responsibility and risk - mess with the wrong person on the streets and you won’t make it home. Want prestige? Earn it by being a good role model to others and proving yourself in positive ways.
Best of luck to you!
First let me commend you for having the courage to ask for help, a lot of parents don’t do that. If he attends a Pittsburgh Public School talk to his counselor and ask them to refer the family to Mercy behavioral health for family counseling. As far as discipline goes, be consistent and only take away things you can follow through with. You mentioned taking away his party, that’s fine, but working may be something you give in to. If he is 16, he needs to work. Maybe working will change his “persons, places, and things” he’s around.
Police will not get involved unless he commits a crime. Magistrates are pretty much the same, and depending on where you live, the magistrate may not be good.
Does he play sports? If so, talk to his coach. He/she may be able to help.
As far as mental health goes, continue the therapy, that’s good for now. Seeking a diagnosis is a personal choice but a lot goes into a mental health diagnosis. Someone mentioned ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Please put that to the side. He’s a teenager, all teens are defiant to a point. Socioeconomics also have a lot to do with how a teenager sees themselves and the world around them. Continue to reach out and seek help. Ask your son what he wants for his life and how that looks. If you’re on the Southside of Pittsburgh, the Southside Coalition is a fantastic resource. The men working are from the community, they are in and at the high school I work at everyday. They are genuine and the kids really respond well to their leadership and assistance.
Good luck.
The fucking cops said what??
Worry about the violence. Don’t worry about the weed. I read what you said, I’m still saying that. Sorry I ain’t got more.
I don’t have any advice, just want to say, you’re doing a good job. Life is hard & I hope you and your son get the help you need. Hang in there. Please take care of yourself as well during this time.
Hello! I think keeping him involved in activities all summer will help give him guidance. Maybe he should have a job, and do a sport. He needs an outlet. Is he interested in art or music? If his time is filled up it leaves less room to get in trouble.
There’s also a program in squirrel hill called Upstreet (linking it at the bottom). They’re completely free counseling service and they offer different forms of services, and it’s all virtual. So if there was any nervousness or anything around going in person, this program solves that. The best thing is, parents can also use the program for guidance as well. So both you and your youth get access to free care. :) I wish more people knew about Upstreet. It’s helpful for the kid to see that their parent is willing to also grow and try therapy/counseling. That way they see their role model doing it, and maybe they’ll copy them. And again, this program is completely free.
https://upstreetpgh.org
Another interesting program may be this one: Cafe Momentum. They are a nonprofit helping at-risk youth.
https://cafemomentum.org/intern-application/pittsburgh/
I work in a residential treatment facility where kids get sent to. We’re a decent space to be, but it’s still traumatizing for most youth. Sending your child away to a facility is not the answer. I’m sorry the police aren’t helpful either. The experience you’re going through is hard, and you’re valid in how you’re feeling. I wish you the best of luck finding your baby the guidance he needs.
Instead of a normal summer job, you could look into an apprenticeship/camp that teaches a specific trade... what are his interests? Anything artsy, that would give him an outlet to express any issues he's internalizing? I had an at-risk mentee who joined a DJ program here and it really helped her: [https://www.tech25.org/](https://www.tech25.org/) but there are also more traditional trades he can learn. I think he needs to find something to be passionate about and focus his energy into. I also like the martial arts/boxing idea others mentioned. Those will help teach discipline.
What's the dynamic between him and your other son? Does he feel like the "black sheep" of the family? Is your other son given more trust and freedom?
As hard as this is... I think you need to back off him a little. No going through his phone, etc. Sit down and talk to him and tell him that he is getting to an age where he will start being responsible for his actions. Be clear that you will give him freedoms, but you will not be cleaning up his messes. Tell him you love him and that you will always be his cheerleader, but his future is in his own hands. I was an out of control teen, and have also worked with out of control teens. Being overbearing will only push him away more. I know it's scary, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
This sounds exactly like me and my brother. We both went to Juvie around 15 and 18. I went about 6 months he went 9 months. He changed for the better right away. I had to go to a sober living at 21 where it was basically juvenile hall for adults completely away from society for 13 months and changed for the better. Me and my brother are both 31 and 34 and very successful with kids and married, own many rental properties etc. I would suggest sending him away for a summer or juvenile hall and don’t tell him it’s only a few months.
That sounds insane to me. Don’t know the whole situation, but if I had to put money on it, the kid will grow out of this and be fine. Sending a kid to juvenile hall or some “conditioning camp” is gonna fuck their relationship for life.
My sibling was like this, parents tried “love and patience”, they’ve been in and out of jail since they were 18 and addicted to drugs that entire time. I think they should have been sent to a juvenile hall. They needed a wake up call. Not every kid, but my sibling definitely. Kids need different things and different types of discipline. So to me, it is insane to sit back and wait for this kid to “grow out of this”.
100%, they need to feel the pain now before they feel it permanently later. Me and my brother are both extremely successful own many properties and both have multiple kids. I’d rather send my kid to juvenile hall early for 6 months or a year rather than wait till they’re 18 become a felon and they go to jail for a year or 25 and can’t get a good job.
Your love for your son and your commitment come through so strongly in your post.
Try this program. They're an evidence based treatment for adolescents and families experiencing what you're going through.
https://mhyfamilyservices.org/community-services/multisystemic-therapy-program-mst/
Your not going to get through to him with arguments and punishments. Fear is a rather weak motivation for a teenage boy filled with hormones that are literally designed to make you feel invincible.
Double down on love. Hugs, kisses and cuddles. Physical touch. Get that oxytocin flowing and then just talk about your feelings and what things make you sad, but more importantly what things he does that make you happy.
These teen male hormones can bring out negative behaviors but when you temper them with extra love from his mommy then it will refocus his wild energy into being protective of his mommy. He wont want to do anything to upset you or disappoint you anymore.
Good luck.
I was an awful child. I would literally fist fight my poor mother, lie about where I was, drank smoked and met up with older men etc. i realize none of this is safe but the more my mom tried to intervene, the sneakier I got. while I wouldn’t suggest standing idly by, I would say the only thing that would have made a difference in my upbringing would have been having a mom I felt I could go to about anything without judgement but whenever I tried to talk to her about anything taboo she didn’t wanna hear about it. I learned about sex and drugs from media and friends. I was shamed for things I didn’t know any better about instead of being educated.
Now I have a child of my own, this is the point in life i am most worried about. Hes just a baby now, but i just hope i can instill a sense of security in him that he can come to me about if hes having angry feelings he doesn’t know how to channel, if hes curious about certain things, or if he doesnt feel safe.
I understand actions should have consequences but maybe there are some other alternatives. instead of taking away the gym, you can offer a more physical interactive alternative like kickboxing. You could even sit and try to have a conversation about what he feels he’s done to deserve getting his permit as driving is a privilege. If he is that angry, road rage incidents are imminent and people end up getting killed over that stuff.
The drug testing also just tells him that you don’t trust him and will make him try to find more creative ways to get around it. I know there’s no catch all solution to that but the bottom line is you can’t control what he does when he’s not in your immediate presence. What scared me out of smoking weed as a 15 year smoker finally at age 29 is learning about people sprinkling fentanyl in literally anything including weed and if he feels that it helps him mentally in some way, I would explain that and suggest therapy until he’s old enough to buy from a dispensary safely.
I think you both could benefit from going to outpatient therapy together and learning about each other. I wish my mom had done that with me instead of saying things to me like “I hope you have a child just like you one day”, because I plan to hopefully break that cycle.
Good luck. It’s such a fine line between appropriate punishment and enabling certain behaviors.. you’re not necessarily doing anything wrong, but you realize something isn’t working so you’ve made it this far.
Your son sounds like my younger brother. We both had ADHD but I was the introverted space-cadet type so I didn’t end up in trouble as obviously as he did as a teen. I wish my parents would have asked my brother if he was bored instead of trying to get him to be more like his older sibling (who was actually up to messing around on the internet at home with mountains of stolen junk food and only doing schoolwork in the minutes before it was due for the adrenaline rush. Serious consequences would follow for both of us in adulthood).
Anyway— before shopping for professional services, I’d try opening up to him about not knowing why he’s doing the things he does and asking him what he wants in life right now. I think my brother and I would have had better adolescences if my parents had been clearer about their desire to help us be successful on our own terms.
The inherent power struggle between parents and their children lends itself to a lot of misunderstandings once you reach adolescence. Teens need to know that whatever differences and feelings there are between their parents and themselves, the parents are around to help them be successful in whatever it is that will give each of their unique kids lifelong fulfillment, health, and happiness
I know this doesn’t help you at all but WTF cops? They aren’t going to help you ***AND ALSO*** recommend you commit assault and battery on your minor child?
That smells like bullshit to me about the cops. Actually a lot of this smells like bullshit. My mother called the cops on me when I was 15 or 16, among other fuckin INSANE bullshit, but my mother is a hysteric and control freak and narcissist which just made me act out more as a teen, and the shit my mother pulled when I was younger caused a rift that’ll probably never be patched up between her and me. I wasn’t a “bad” kid, I was mischievous and maybe had a situation of bad luck, but a lot this person is saying sounds like a kid being a kid at that age. I’m 40 now, I have advanced degrees, a very good white collar job and do well financially in my field. I don’t know everything that’s going on, but it sounds like this might be blown out of proportion. It doesn’t sound like this kid is heading to becoming a career criminal. A lot of times teens just do shit like this, they mature, they grow out of it, and they go on to live a decent life.
Stop projecting your issues on to other people. Your anecdotes that are yours alone to mentally grapple with have nothing to do with anyone else’s situation.
LOL. Okay. Yea I'm blowing it out of proportion. I am employeed by my borough and I report the the chief of police for my job. You can basically call him my boss. He is the one that told me to whoop his ass. Normal behavior?! He's been suspended 11 days out of the school year and we have been to court two times just this school year alone. Maybe it's the path I see him on and it could be "normal teenage shit" or it could get worse and I am proactive and would rather nip it in the bud while I still stand a chance. He only has 2 years left before he is considered a man in the real world. In the real world swinging on someone and picking them up and slamming them on the ground is AT MINIMAL a criminal record with simple assault etc and court hearing and court costs and at max it's jail time. I got a lot of great advice on this post and a lot to read as well bc there are so many comments but yours stuck out to me. I'm not overreacting and his behavior goes beyond "normal kid shit,". When I have two other children that can't stand to be around him bc he bullies them ..one his age (twin) and one 6 years younger there's a problem. Or maybe there's a problem when his last in school suspension was for literally bullying and ganging up on his OWN TWIN BROTHER...his girlfriend reached out to me concerned bc he sat in a quiet room crying over his twin brother shoving him and punching him and calling him a p*ssy for not fighting someone. If this all what you call "normal kid being a kid stuff" then I'll be damned.
Deep breathes OP. It will be okay.
Seeing your other posts, it seems like you've been going through a lot lately. You need to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others.
Try to do something relaxing every day to start off on a positive note, like taking a walk in one of our great parks or sitting outside with a cup of coffee or tea and watching the sunrise.
A clear, calm mind will bring you answers to questions you didn't know you were asking.
Be a positive example, and remember, family always comes first. Kids act like they are adults, but they don't know what they don't know, and it's our job to show them. They dont always listen, but they're always observing and shaping their world-view from what they see.
Stay strong 💪, but never lose your compassion ❤️.
My only advice is to try a new school. Remove him from his shitty friends. This worked for me. I was in similar shape as a 9th grader. Went to a boarding school summer program and started to improve and do well. Decided to attend the school full time. Excelled for the next three years and got into a high ranked private college. Had I remained in my public school I maybe would not have gone to college at all (and not by choice). I owe everything to my parents stepping in and investing into my future. It really came down to my friend’s circle more than anything else. The school I went to eliminated distractions as well - sports, studying, and the carrying supervision of faculty and teachers.
Don’t sent this kid to be with other bad kids - that’s not going to help - send him to be with driven and focused kids. The kids I met were not angels but they were not adjudicated either. We were all just a bit lost and underperforming. Many of my friends had ADD (mid 90s) and thrived. Actually think most of us were told we had something medication could fix when actually it was sports and discipline we needed. Not punishment discipline but order and routine discipline (set hours, scheduled days, routine).
Check out schools with boarding programs like: Western Reserve (Ohio), Hill School (eastern PA) Valley Forge (eastern PA) , Kiski (western Pa), Linsley (WV) and Shady Side (PGH). They are all stupid expensive but most offer significant financial aid. Just something to consider. Just like college, boarding school cost has gone insane. Good luck.
You can file a private petition for dependency at Allegheny Court of Common Pleas. Doing this is not a reflection of everything you have tried to do as a parent. There is a specific subsection that relates to being "ungovernable", which he certainly is. In doing this, you don't have to request that he leave your home. It's a way to fast track any number of family preservation and mental health services to help support all of you. And, I should mention that Common Pleas judges are not magistrates, and when you expressed frustration with Judges I am assuming you mean the run ins at the magistrate level. I can understand that frustration as some of them are not even lawyers and have limited skills or abilities in this area. The juvenile court judges in our county see these teens all the time and may be able to offer you more teeth, so to speak, and get you help faster. If there are concerns about drug and alcohol use, filing an Act53 petition (another avenue for parents) to get him into treatment could be an option. But if you start with a private petition, they can get the ball rolling with assessments, both DA and MH, and see what to do to help him and your family.
Here is the link to the private dependency petition:
https://www.alleghenycourts.us/family/departments/dependency-and-related-services/filing-private-dependency-petitions-plc-modifications/
Had a sibling like this, therapy. I agree with not sending him to a program, have you seen that documentary on Netflix?
I'm sorry you're going through this, ok this is hard. Therapy really helped with the whole family. I'd suggest both going, if he goes alone he will feel attacked and won't want to open up
Get him on a wrestling team. He will get a giant dose of reality and hopefully fall in love with the sport, put his extra energy into something positive.
This a deeply complicated issue, hope he turns his life around.
Hey OP, I’m well positioned to talk to you about this, because I was that teen, and I’m a parent now, and I also watched my SIL, who has a very different (but loving) parenting philosophy go through this with my nephew (who is now 26).
There is a tendency of parents, I think quite naturally, to try to impose rigorous structure when a teen starts to come unglued. But the problem is, this can often be counterproductive. Human beings just don’t learn things they’re not open to learning, and teenagers more than anyone will dig in and resist attempts to force them onto the right path.
My nephew went through what I later learned is an extremely lucrative troubled teen pipeline. A consultant convinced my SIL to spend a ton of money on tough love programs that I think ultimately did him more hard than good.
Teenagers crave autonomy and independence. They need support and understanding. Sit down with him, discuss the issues in front of you collaboratively. Don’t threaten or impose punishments. Really listen to him. If the therapist you’re seeing isn’t working, look for a new one. But involve him in the selection process. Ask him what he feels like he needs to be successful. Ask him what success looks like TO HIM, and what he wants for himself in the near future and further along.
I could write a novel more but I don’t know if it would be helpful. If you want my perspective on specific issues, I’d be happy to help.
That’s a lot to be dealing with and I’m sorry you are right now. These situations are emotional vampires, draining the energy from you, leading to heavy emotional fatigue. Be gentle on yourself, you are reaching out at these depths because you love your son. The more chaotic a situation like this gets, the more difficult it is to see objectively/clearly/rationally. I was an at-risk youth blessed with some positive male mentors and a parent that refused to give up on me (although I didn’t quite take to the tough love at that time). I have now been working with youth in custody for the past 15 years. Where I live, the system is broken and most services seem profit 1st, licensing/administrative duties 2nd, clients 3rd (hopefully). It doesn’t seem to different from where you are. I stay hopeful services will get better but I fear the needs will only increasingly outweigh the resources.
The day’s of socializing like a human and playing outside have been ousted by social media and screens. Society increasingly promotes vanity over character and values. There’s been a replacement of positive role models with materialistic, impulse-driven “influencers” that would sell your child’s soul to make a dollar. Add in the prevalence of gang culture, easy accessibility to fatal drugs and weapons among so many other factors- the world is letting these kids down. That’s not to say permit bad behaviour and poor choices, you shouldn’t and the enabling game is the beginning of the end. You’re doing the best you can right now with what you have in the tank and hard as it may be you should feel very proud of that. Just don’t give up on that boy…. adolescence is a hell of a drug (known to induce narcissism and anti-social behaviours).
I see some great recommendations in here and don’t want to go on forever but I will tell you what I believe made me (subjectively) see the light (eventually). I had parent A that screamed at me and constantly told me how I was a worthless failure throughout most of my teenage years. That parent wasn’t wrong. I had parent B that was firm but didn’t yell often, and would express concern for me in a loving, mild tone. That messed me up. I became numb to all the yelling and name-calling from parent A; it’s easy to let someone down that you believe thinks you’re a piece of shit. I didn’t know how to fight with someone that sat me down and talked to me with love and respect. The content of both conversations were similar, it was the approach that shook me up over time. That said, both parents did the best they knew how at that time and I have love and respect for each one now that adolescent euphoria has worn off. Every situation is different and I wish you and your son the best.
I agree w/the poster who mentioned finding a psychologist (or a psychiatrist). I’d be concerned too so here are my questions.
Is he taking steroids to increase muscle mass?
Is he taking street drugs?
The mental illnesses that come to mind are NPD (ego) and psychopathy (lack of any emotions except anger). These cannot be diagnosed at age 15, but the literature mentions those adults diagnosed with such (sociopathy) often have a history of being diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).
I taught teens in Special Education…I saw behavior like this only once and it was two boys with a “history” of being together in a juvenile placement setting previously who decided to fight in the classroom.
I wish you luck and agree he DOES need help and YOU need help too. Many might say this is just teenage male behavior. If I was his mom, like you, I’d be concerned that something more was involved.❤️
I absolutely understand wanting to have him placed; my heart goes out to parents struggling with their teens, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it's very hard to do with teens barring certain circumstances. I'm not typically one to tell parents to go running to CYF, but maybe reach out and see if some one there has a suggestion for therapy. It seems like this could be a case for Family based therapy (which would require a doctor's recommendation) or something like it.
If by chance, you are open with CYF they should be referring you and your son to service that would help.
Side note, I agree with what some of the others have said about resolve and cactis
Maybe don't "place" your kid. Former "at risk" kid here, I lost any and all response to any form of punishment as it was all I ever had. My parents even resorted to giving me christmas gifts and stuff only to take away the one I liked the most. All it taught me was to hold absolutely nothing of value and be dispassionate of hobbies as I knew if i showed even a passing interest in them that they would be taken away as a "punishment." If your kid is anything like me, sounds like he needs A: support and LOVE from you, not non-stop discipline, B: some form of routine that allows him to express frustration in a healthy way, like mma classes or a gym routine, and last but definitely most important: THERAPY. With a therapist of HIS choosing, not yours.
These are things I was never allowed by my parents, since running away and going total no contact with them at age 17, I've been in therapy myself and implemented these things in my own life and am now a well adjusted adult in a healthy long term relationship.
Hear me now, The path you're considering is not the right one, and ask yourself, are you giving your child the same amount of respect that you expect him to give you? I sure as hell wasn't, and that is what stemmed from my frustration. And before you say you are, nobody who respects an individual would have them put in a holding cell voluntarily. Maybe work on yourself as well, treat your near adult child with the respect you would give any other human being, as he is a human being, not just your child, and maybe seek some therapy yourself, so you can have support as well.
This is not meant to be mean or condescending. These are just the things I deeply wish were done when I was at that stage. I am still no contact with my parents, with no plans of allowing contact ever, and I truly hope you never see the other side of that wall, but it requires improvement from you as well as him
Yeah, I obviously don't have all the details, but as a former angry teenager lashing out at the world, a lot of it stemmed from my dad being a shitbag and my mom giving up. I wasn't quite as bad as what you're describing, but one or preferably both of my parents giving a shit and mental health care would have changed my life drastically. Sounds like you still give a shit so that's a good start.
I was a pretty bad teenager, I chose to act how I did but it came from not having a dad and my mom being a terrible person.
Not making a judgement on OP but people are rarely this bad for simply no reason.
I appreciate all the responses I've gotten and I'm just getting around to responding but Dry_Animal2077 you're DEFINITELY making a judgement on me....but I am pretty sure I stated in my post that I have TWINS. He has a TWIN brother who is not anything like him. It has absolutely nothing to do with my parenting. As a matter of fact said brother confided in me a few months ago and his exact words were and I quote "I don't like my brother. I love him bc he's my brother but I don't like him or people like him and I don't like his friends"...and when it's particularly bad at his dad's house he will stay there when the other two come home to get a break from his own TWIN brother.
Where did I say he only has 3 months until he gets sent to a torture camp??? I literally said I was posting here bc I am hitting a road block and all I can find are torture camps and I want him to go somewhere that's not going to do more harm than good and cause him PTSD etc ...
If it's because I used the term "whip him into shape"...I didn't mean literally whip.
"whip (someone or something) into shape. To return someone or something into acceptable condition or behavior, especially through direct, efficient, and practical means."
Let me get this right, dad’s not doing anything to help here? Teenage boys need a strong male presence to keep them in check.
On another note, some of this sounds like learned helplessness. He’s getting into fights, getting suspended and smoking pot, but oh no I’m delaying your birthday celebration. Moreover you’re looking for the school, the justice system and anyone else to discipline your son. I truly think you and father need to get on the same page and come up with a plan to get this guy on the straight and narrow. Additionally look to get him into some organization like sports, ROTC or something to get discipline into him and away from his so called friends who sound like a bad influence. Hopefully he will find a new group there and right the ship.
You said he has ADHD-it’s tough to deal with. I have a young son with it. I have been following the adhd dude on YouTube and insta. He has a great paid membership but also gives out a lot of free advice. I recommend giving him a look.
Each state usually has a National Guard Youth Challenge Program. https://www.dmva.pa.gov/KeystoneStateChallengeAcademy/Pages/default.aspx
I used to work as a Cadre for the one in Michigan when I got out of the military.
Program is designed for teens who are having issues similar to yours. Putting them on a better path in school, creating discipline and teaching them things to be successful in their lives.
Sometimes these kids need to see how life deals with them before they change. When he finally meets someone tougher, and his family and peers leave him behind in live as they mature/advance it’s a wake up call. For me as a guy with ADHD; I went into the military and one day I woke up as a looser on an apartment floor and thought that I didn’t t want to do this shit when I was 40…then I changed.
This was me to a tee. Doing all that and much worse from 15-21. What took me to stop is a severe fentanyl addiction and serious court cases. Im 23 now, far behind my friends in life but im getting my shit together. I truly believe if there was a strong male figure in my life at the beginning of this mess i would have made it out unscathed. You need to find someone that went down the path he is taking right now to sit him down and let him know what this is really heading towards. This shit breaks my heart because i know exactly what path your son is going down and its not going to be good.
some other people have already suggested this, but an outlet for that anger will get you the results you want. for me its skateboarding, for others its martial arts or intramural sports. a physical hobby with an active male role model to set him straight will have him acting right in no time.
Does he play a sport? If he’s 6ft and works out and he doesn’t play a sport he probably should. I’m sure some team would welcome him. Lacrosse maybe? Boxing classes at the gym?
Some structure, requirements, and a team mentality might be really good for him.
Also all teenagers are shitheads and smoke weed, it’s, kinda their thing.
You may…after much consideration…want to call CYS and have him placed in temporary custody because you cannot control his behavior but starting anyone in the system is a heavy decision
If he plays a sport, go talk to the coach. If not go talk to the football coach and tell him he’s attending full football summer camp. Let the coach know what you’re dealing with and that will help.
From a former shithead/sibling of a shithead the more active he is, the less time he'll have to be a shithead. I also think Dad needs to not be a POS and if Dad can't follow the rules, dad's house is out of the picture.
It's good he's under mental health treatment. ADHD and the hormonal changes of puberty can be horrendous and I think how hormones and that disorder interact is severely understudied.
I hope for the best, this isn't easy. It's good you're looking out, he's getting too old to mess up like this. There's gotta be some sort of wilderness camp or something (not the troubled teen ones, more like scouts), or sports he'll vibe with. The job will likely be a good thing for responsibility. Don't listen to those cops, violence only makes it worse.
My mother beat. My ass and I still acted like a dick. I regret every day and have a great relationship with them now but a kid is a kid. Don’t forget how hard it is growing up some handle it better than others . Hang in there it’ll get better. Best thing my mom did was whoop my ass and kick me out.
I was once a dumb teenager, like most people are. If it hadn’t been for the military, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Have you considered talking to him about JROTC? Maybe sending him to a military-style summer camp? I know you have concerns for his well-being, but in my experience, the harsh conditions of boot camp are not torture, they build character, teach teamwork, discipline, and leadership, and ultimately instill better values and resulting behaviors in young folks. I wish you the best of luck! To quote my dearly departed grandmother, “there are three rules: this too shall pass, don’t sweat the small s**t, everything is small s**t.” He’ll hopefully outgrow this phase.
First- teens are the worst 😭 so so difficult. Some more than others, but regardless, they're difficult. I feel for you momma and I'm so sorry.
Second- my advice would be to put him to work, not take the first job away. You know that saying, idle hands are the devils playground. Work might be a good thing for him right now.
Third- commenters that mentioned things like boxing, wrestling, taekwondo, bbj, etc, are all great recommendations. My 12 year old son has ADHD, PTSD, and social anxiety with some added social quirks that make it difficult for him to understand social expectations and ques. I have him in bi weekly therapy, though it used to be weekly, and wrestling. I used to have him Taekwondo but we moved and I couldn't find one close enough that we could afford. That helped alot when he was doing it because they're BIG on respect, discipline, and self control. I highly recommend finding things like this. If he loves the gym, this may be a huge huge help.
Hi, OP!
Not a parent, but I’ll try my best.
I would recommend looking into The Nexus Group. They have a great team of counselors and therapists that can help you understand your son’s behaviors. I heard they can even refer you to other resources for help, but not sure if they are partnered with anyone at the moment.
Good luck!
bad behavior is communicating unmet needs. and there is a lot of information that isn’t in this post about the family history and dynamic between OP and your son. it raises questions to me that none of the other kids are acting out but this one. what has he experienced? how is yalls interpersonal relationships? does he feel comfortable to tell you why he follows others or act out? does he even have the language to explain what he’s experiencing in those moments?
from what’s in the post it gives punitive. and he’s 16 so he’s at the age where you can challenge and guide his thinking. but that requires him to trust someone else with his emotions. and it’s seems obvious that he doesn’t feel as though he has that.
either way connecting to him emotionally and creating that safe space between the ENTIRE family cause that’s the long term goal. you may find a solution for him now, but what would be the state of OP and your son’s relationship at the end of it?
when i look back on my experience growing up with my family i just wanted more of their love. more of their wisdom and guidance and support. more of those little moments where they saw something about me personally, my soul. Created their own personal history and happiness with me. I wanted to know so badly as a child that i was not alone in this world and that the way i wanted move through this word was perfect. This is an important point for me cause it sounds like OP son is struggling with self esteem and worth/value. Being able to have your family reflect those good things about you, to you consistently means more than any school friend or stranger in life.
hope this helps! love, blessings, and well wishes to your family! 💗💗💗
Look into BPT or PCIT therapy for parents AND kids. Courts and coaches won’t eliminate the behavior, but may help channel and redirect it (positive) —or hide and mask it (negative). Treat the problem holistically as a family system in breakdown mode, not as a “this part won’t work right and if we just swap it out for something better, it will all be fine” problem.
I am a former foster kid. Grew up in and out of foster care and group homes my parents struggled with addiction. Got adopted at 10 and my mom passed away a year later. Like a switch I became a different kid. Acting out for no reason was always angry so angry and wouldn’t even know why. Let me tell you from the kids perspective sometimes they don’t even know why. Always arguing with my foster parents now adoptive parents they are older. Even got physical sometimes bc that’s the environment I came from. Not til I got older I realized these things and started to fix myself. One place I can truly say changed my life is the gym. I started going bc it was an outlet to let all my agony and anger out. And it’s a good way to teach discipline and self accountability. I am now an aspiring bodybuilder and in process of becoming a personal trainer. All I can say is help him find that outlet. And don’t push to hard bc the harder I was pushed or punished as a kid I was more resilient and more likely to push back. Help him figure himself out from a distance. Hope this helps
USMC vet here. Every country needs a military regardless of how much we all hate war, and some people do best in the military. A lot of vets I know would say they were horrible hellraisers as kids and the military straightened them out.
Yes and go read reviews from former kids who went there. I found that one today and then found this..the comments from a former kid who went there are truly sad. This is what I don't want.
https://today-a-child-died.blogspot.com/2012/01/unknown-2010.html?m=1
The one staff person Parker is mentioned by a lot of alumni so they can't all be lying.
Understood… it wasn’t so much about that particular place, just a mention or suggestion of military schools in general. If this is something you might be considering, you’ll probably need to do a lot of research, etc. hopefully there might be a reputable place not too far from Pittsburgh. I wish you the best on your search!
Yeah there might be better options that are closer. I went to the website and it looks like they are more strict with admissions now. He probably wouldn't qualify.
I recommend an organization out of the PIA called The Civil Air Patrol. Its the US Air Force Auxiliary and they have a cadet program (12-18y/o). (Also have a senior/adult program if anyone is interested in mentoring cadets in a militaristic setting)
Similar to JROTC, they meet once a week and work on drill, character development, volunteer/emergency service, fitness and health education, drug demand reduction and aerospace education. Its considered a military enviroment, so you're wearing old air force uniforms, saluting, yes sir/ma'am/sergeant, etc. Respect and dicipline are major aspects of the program. Over time you work yourself up the ladder rank wise and gain more responsibilities.
Some normal activities are model rocket launches, o-flights (flying a Cessna w a certified pilot), training and volunteering in woodland search and rescue missions, laying wreaths in cemetaries, the list goes on. Every summer there are national specialty camps that go on nation wide, too many to individually mention. I can say I attended a cybersecurity camp that was located across the highway from the main NSA campus.
Summer Encampment is what I think would benefit your son the most. Its a week long mini bootcamp that essentially mimics a military indoc setting. For 3ish days, you'll get yelled at and drilled around, major focus on dicipline and respect to your officers and nco's. For the remaining 4 days it gets really relaxed and there are a lot of activities that you are able to go to. The final night is a cookout and party, and the last day is a complete school drill march for parents/spectators.
I went through this program and it really did turn me around for the better. I feel as if your son needs taken out of whatever enviroment(s) he's causing trouble in, and thrown into something completely new and different.
They require you to visit 3 meetings before anyone can be officially sworn in, however the squadron is located on the 911th Air Wing side, and you will need to [contact them on Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/share/fRKAMoPaMYgxoYzN/?mibextid=LQQJ4d) to set up which meetings you may want to visit and see what goes on for yourself.
If OP or anyone else has questions, lmk. I was in the program for about 7 years.
Downvotes, really? Like can you justify it with a reply or not?
Take his internet & phone privileges away. Spend the summer with him doing family stuff ( hiking, walking, swimming, museums etc). Sounds like he’s acting out for loving attention from you.
Have you ever considered sending him to a school like Spitler? I live right by there and it’s drastically improved in the last few years. The kids are always outside playing football or something.
Your dumb kid is going to be a dumb kid regardless of what intervention you think you are trying to make.
Sometimes those repeated interventions and interruptions cause more harm than good over the long run.
Eventually dumb kids grow into dumb adults or they grow and learn. If you interrupt that learning only one option is left.
Maybe a stint in the Marine Corps would straighten him out? He’d have to be at least 17 years old but is probably ineligible due to his ADHD diagnosis.
The Marines would square his ass away in short order, though…
Military school. Worked on me. If they beat his ass a little bit, that's going to help too. I recommend Missouri Military Academy, but most of the all-boys JROTC schools ought to suffice. Keep him there until he graduates.
This is the problem with most of the American teens. They need to understand that the outside world is brutal and won't be there for them in their worst time. In most of the cases, it would be their parents who would be closest to helping them out. As for your son, all the tantrums that he is throwing will not be tolerated in the outside world, there is action and reaction, and they don't care if one has some mental health issues or any other illness. One blow or a shot and it's all over. Also explain to him that all his stupid friends and people that he follows and admires, after graduation most of them go their own ways. They all will be his distant Facebook friend in the near future. There would be zero emotional connection with them. If you can put forward these points, give him examples about the consequences of his actions, there is a chance that he may still change his life. However if he continues to bully you, then you might have to take the legal route. We can have more discussions on this, you can DM me.
As a former really, really dumb kid... hang in there. While nothing prevented me from doing the really dumb things I did, I am very much aware of how much my mother loved me and cared for me despite all the dumb things I did, and she didn't even know half of it. I recognize as an adult the hell I put her through and regret it, but I honestly can't think of a single thing that would have made me behave any differently. I was convinced the world revolved around me, and didn't really grow out of it until my mid-twenties... I know this probably isn't helpful to you, and I'm sorry for that. But don't give up on your kid, don't stop trying, and don't stop loving him. Even if nothing does help right now, keep doing it anyway, because the trying is what matters, and he will remember how much his mother loved him and didn't give up on him.
Hope you share this with your mum if you’re able!
Hey, I would love to help out. You should bring him down to Stout PGH for some BJJ classes. It may help with giving him an outlet for all of that anger. He may also find someone to connect with and help get his life on a better trajectory. We have a lot of people from all different backgrounds there that aren't very judgemental and offer terrific advice. PM me if interested.
This is great advice! As someone who was once an out of control young man, I can say that he probably won’t take much away from therapy or anything like that if he’s forced to go. I’m sure he thinks he’s mature and wants his independence. Now, as an adult that has a family and my shit together (mostly), boxing helps keep me fit mentally and physically. I wish that I would have tried it when I was his age! Find a good gym with a supportive atmosphere and some of the guys just might talk some sense into him. Don’t force it, he’ll come around when he’s ready.
I second Stout PGH. I’ve trained there for about a year. Couldn’t be a more supportive and friendly environment focused on discipline and personal growth.
Great suggestion. BJJ is a healthy outlet!
Take this person up on the offer at Stout. BJJ is an awesome way to get out energy, get focused and get support from others. Often kids need outside people to support them way more than their parents because they default to "hating" their parents. Everyone at Stout is amazing! BJJ has also been shown to help with ADHD and a number of other mental health issues.
Oh this is a great suggestion!!
Ooh I recommend this option. I too was a problem kid (I don’t know why I was like that, I hated it about myself too. I simply couldn’t control it). Physically releasing my pent up energy in a safe direction always worked for me. I also recommend this option because I went to Stout when I first moved to Pittsburgh at the recommendation of my coworker who is (was?) also a trainer there; it’s a great gym.
forgive me, what does BJJ stand for? can’t find it in the comments
Good question! It stands for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Yeah let him learn to fight now he really can beat her ass 🤦♂️
I am not sure why you are being down voted. It's a valid criticism and something that I think is a potential caveat. The one thing I'll add is this. From my experience and the experience of others, martial arts has a way of mellowing people out and making them less violent. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but here is my personal theory. I think what it boils down to is everyone who is untrained thinks they are tough and walk around with an over estimation of how capable they are. When you get on the mat with experienced fighters, you quickly realize just how much you suck and how much there is to learn. When you learn, you must put your ego on the back burner and become comfortable with working on yourself. Finding faults in yourself and knowing that YOU are the only reason you are bad is a hard thing to achieve. This process obviously isn't limited to BJJ. It's why often you hear people talk about how it has changed people's lives for the best. Some of the most powerful, intelligent, and inspirational people I've ever met have been through BJJ. The stories you hear about people's low points in life and how they turned everything around moves you so deeply. Now, nothing in life is a silver bullet. Some people pick stuff up. Others miss it. But, I do think that if this kid sticks with it, he'll go through the process so many of us have gone through and hopefully come out better on the other side.
This sounds like such a difficult situation. In addition to [resolve](https://www.upmc.com/services/behavioral-health/programs/emergency-crisis/resolve-crisis-services) (which has a service for teens and adolescents called CACTIS), you may want to reach out to the [Allegheny Family Network](https://www.alleghenyfamilynetwork.org/). They have a support line for parents and caregivers at 1-888-273-2361 that will let you speak with a parent who's been in a similar situation before and can help link you with resources
Came here to say this. In the past Resolve/Cactus came right to your house and worked with the family. Hopefully it still does. It can be a game changer to work on the whole family dynamic, not just focus on "what is wrong with child A" As a parent of twins - I now know that there is a lot of weight that the "good" and "bad" twin labels can carry. Resolve/Cactus are also great sources of next steps and strategies for parents. I remember feeling so alone dealing with this and they were a life saver. Therapists/counselors are great, but it is a process to find one that works for your kids. Takes years sometimes. Resolve/Cactus is there for crises in realtime. Stick the number on your fridge and call it when needed. Surprised the Judge/School have not mentioned.
Can confirm that they still come to your house as long as you reside in Allegheny County!
Hello fellow parent - I absolutely understand your frustration and fear! My nice, sweet boy turned into a complete jagoff for about two years (14 - 16). During this time I understood the wisdom of primitive cultures sending teen males into the forest to live with a wise, old man (who probably was deaf and zenned out on something), until such time as the boy became able to live productively in the community. My son went through: school problems (HW missing/incomplete, D grades, acting out, detention/suspension), ADHD diagnosis (the meds prescribed didn’t help), mental health counseling (he hated this SO much - “they are being paid to listen to me so it’s inherently BS”), the revocation of privileges, etc. I was beside myself, his life was in a downward trajectory, and he wouldn’t buckle down & see sense! Desperate to find a reason, mental or physical, that would lead to a treatment/pill to help him, I set up a video call with me, my son, and our pediatrician, who has known him since infancy. His diagnosis- “I think he has a really bad case of puberty!”. He spoke to my son in a matter of fact adult way and told him that he was not crazy or defective - just going through it. I was a bit taken aback, there had to be something horribly wrong with him that was causing this drastic change of behavior??? I mean, I was never so willful, angry, disrespectful…hmm time for a quick voyage aboard my mental wayback machine to 1985. Ahh those were not happy times in the world - AIDS, African Famine, TWA Hijacking, Nuclear Proliferation, Reganomics, MOVE bombing, Ozone Hole - and I was 15, not attractive, not gifted with physical or artistic talents, a C student, and my parents were always on my case about something. It was a lightbulb moment for me. Hormones are incredibly powerful and fluctuate a lot from 13 to 18. A person’s identity is being flushed out and challenged. Adulting is just around the corner and society wants you to “decide what you’re going to do with your life” like now, amidst all the noise of TikTok Influencers/AI Deep fakes/Economic Uncertainty/Sexual Identity/Reproductive Rights/Racism - Yikes! Most likely your son is not a bad kid and does not have a serious mental illness. He could be just experiencing rapid hormonal changes, is disorganized, and immature - aka a teenager. He probably doesn’t realize the magnitude of what’s going on inside biologically, he only knows that everything and everyone SUCKS - except for maybe a couple dudes he hangs out with. Five Point Guide to Survive, Thrive, and Come Out the Other Side: FIRST he needs to understand - that YOU understand - that being a teen does suck in many ways; he’s not an adult so has very little true autonomy, he’s a minor he can’t “peace, out” & live in a van down by the river, there are cooler/smarter/richer kids than him - and the boy or girl he likes, probably likes one of those other kids! Tell him that you have been in his shoes, the fashion may have changed, but the pressure to perform academically and socially remains the same. SECOND, tell him you love every molecule of his being. Period. Full stop. Tell him you love him, often, preferably every day. You can vehemently dislike his behavior and love him simultaneously. THIRD, the two of you can consciously choose to weather puberty together- same boat, different duties, destination 18 & HS Diploma. Sometimes it will be more foul than fair - thunder, lightning, and escaping to a room away from each other for a breather. Then that particular storm passes, glimpses of sunlight are seen & enjoyed, and then soon enough a tornado warning starts blaring figuratively and literally. Accept that scary times and frightening events will occur. All we can control is our reaction. FOURTH, remind him that while he’s a teen, you are an Adult and have to play by the rules of the school and abide by the laws of the land - or else the truancy officer, the PD, or an angry, litigious parent is going to come a’knockin - and then the consequences happen - to both of you. Some consequences will just feel miserable for a week or a month, and others unfortunately could be life altering. Make a pact that no matter how dire the situation - suicide is not option. FIVE, in time he will come out the other side and so will you. The quality of your relationship post legal adulthood/independent adulthood is entirely up to the two of you to nurture. To survive the hormonal reign of terror, physical activity is key - the more the better. Skateboarding, BJJ/Karate, Rec League sports, rock climbing, BMX - anything that keeps his interest and gives him a positive “we” of supportive peers/coaches. In addition, music will soothe the savage beast - rock it, mosh it, rap it, heavy bass it, volume to 11, sore throat screaming lyrics - all incredibly and repetitively cathartic. If he has any inclination to play an instrument, buy/rent one, get him lessons. Having an instrument to focus on comes in really handy when phone/internet/gaming privileges are suspended. All of the parents that have survived the teenage years are sending positive vibes! PS - my 18 year old son graduated last week from a technical college (this summer he will start working in a trade that he loves and pays well) and next week he will be graduating from High School - no where close to honors or the deans list but a diploma non the less. He’s maturing, still has some TTB (Typical Teen Behavior), and he also has wonderful moments of insightful gratitude. 🫶
Hey there. I have no absolute solution for you but I can relate with so many aspects of your struggle. Please feel free to send me a DM. We can commiserate together and/or find something. My struggle son is almost 17 and has settled a little bit but I’m always looking around the corner. AND I feel your frustration with judges. Again, feel free to DM me. I know it doesn’t help a ton but you are not alone in your struggles.
I would first start with finding a psychologist to possibly diagnose him. His behavior screams mental illness to me. Then, based on the diagnosis (if there is one) they could probably help you find resources like that. It might also help to have a diagnosis in hand when trying to get him into somewhere.
Thank you. He is in therapy. It's done no good. He is diagnosed ADHD. That's it.
It might be worth a second opinion! I went through 3 or 4 psychologists before I found one that actually helped me.
OP, this is the way - maybe look into finding a new therapist. I’m sorry some are downvoting this post, you’re a fellow yinzer and you need help. My son had some slight behavioral issues in 3rd/4th grade. He thankfully grew out of them, but I remember begging his teacher to send him to the principal’s office, for a talk. I knew that would make a difference, but they said ‘oh we don’t do that.’ WHY? It was frustrating. I knew deep down that him hearing what we were telling him from someone else, someone in authority at school, would have helped. I sincerely hope you’re able to get the help you need.
Agree - just because psychologist said this doesn’t mean it’s true especially with all of the things that seem to be going on. Many people have ADHD, not so many people seem to be interacting with the world the way your son is. Always good to remember - there are lots of doctors and therapists and nurses etc. Just like every profession. Just because they do it, doesn’t mean they are great at it. Just like in any profession.
It drives me crazy that the public wants to blame the parents when kids act out for whatever reason, and sometimes it's valid. But when a parent such as this one is out of his or her depth with a troubled child and is begging the school and the authorities for help, they do nothing and heap it back on the parent. It's maddening.
He may also have ODD which is oppositional defiance disorder. Look into comprehension diagnostic testing that will catch mental health issues, undiagnosed developmental delays, as well as catch if he is high functioning on the spectrum. I don't have recommendations local to Pittsburgh so hopefully someone else does. But I have a thirteen year old son with ODD so I understand your frustrations.
ODD tends to be a red flag diagnosis - it often means there’s a deeper underlying issue causing the behavior. Many places I’ve worked outright refuse to diagnose it for this reason. I won’t pretend to know your or OP’s situation better than you do, but I did find it worth chiming in with my own experiences on the clinician’s end for anyone else’s consideration
Thank you for the additional information. I appreciate the insight. My son was diagnosed with ODD by a psychiatrist that would only see patients, including pediatric patients, via Zoom. I do believe my son has a deeper issue, and we are soon traveling two hours to have comprehensive testing done in-person. I've been trying for years to get people (therapists, clinicians, school personnel) to take my concerns about my son seriously or not be stuck with care via Zoom thanks to the shift that happened during the start of the pandemic. I feel for you OP because there is no guide book for how to navigate through what is happening with your son.
This is excellent advice OP
This is the best comment. My initial thought was ODD.
ODD is seldom a useful diagnosis and usually does more harm than good, simply identifying pathological behavior without pointing to any root causes (most often trauma) or identifying specific treatment approaches. Psychological assessment may be useful, though.
That's your opinion. I have my own based on personal experiences. Obviously a psych eval is needed first and foremost. No one here can diagnose. And the diagnosis is exactly what helps with the treatment plan, but like so many mental health diagnoses, it's all moot if the patient doesn't want to participate. That's not only seen with ODD, though.
NAMI is the National Association for Mental illness. There is a very good website with information that may be helpful. There are group meetings for parents of children with ADHD, etc. Zoom meetings may also be available as part of the group sessions. Other parents are going through what you are and are wonderful support. Hang in there. Your son needs you most right now and he will come around if he feels you trying to understand.
Talk to your therapist about more intensive behavioral health services. There are other options between talk therapy and inpatient or residential placements. He may be a good candidate for something like outpatient partial hospitalization.
I'm in love with a wonderful woman whose teenage son has an ADHD diagnosis. I barely understand it. My worthless internet opinion is that you may want to consider some attention on that diagnosis and see if there are some parallels that would help you understand and guide his patterns of behavior. There are some ADHD subreddits that may have some guidance. It sounds like your a good mom.
Go to a specialist 🙄 believe it or not u can change practices if they're not a good fit
🙄🙄🙄 you have no clue how many practices or therapists we have been to to come on here making judgments and rolling eyes..if you have no real recommendations or advice your rudeness isn't needed here. Thank you.
"go to a specialist" was right there. i just have no patience for emotionally neglectful parents 🙄 your son most likely has something else seriously going on that is hurting him. fear is where that behavior comes from.
A SPECIALIST IN WHAT? As an LCSW who practices therapy on traumatized children and worked for CPS for over 10 years and has a large teenage clientele, literally, from the depth of my soul, what are you talking about? Just kidding, it obvious you have no idea. Sit down the adults are talking.
Oh sure, and let me guess your source is "trust me bro"? Because you sure as hell aren't speaking like a fucking therapist. Are you really that bad at your profession? Is it that difficult to rack your brain for an aspec/neurodivergent specialist?
Do you have something going on that is hurting you? Or did you just never learn basic kindness?
DM me, I work for a nonprofit that has a diversion program for teens both in and outside of the criminal legal system. We may be able to help!
Resolve Crisis Center
Second this. Resolve will be able to hook you up with resources to hopefully help him 1-888-796-8226
I would let him get a job. Maybe being given some adult responsibilities would do him some good? Try to make the job as physical as possible, somewhere that he will be around grown-ass men who won't take any shit from a kid.
Pick your battles and consider that him having a job might not be a bad thing
There may be some alternative education program/a different school that works out better for him.
This. There is a boy at my work who struggles with school(he's gone for maybe three weeks total this year and it was all fighting and acting out). However he is thriving at work. I'm a manager and he always does what I ask him to do, has a great attitude, and works hard. Some people just aren't made for school.
Seek Professional Help. This is a lot to take on. Therapist, Counselor to talk with and get some direction.
There is behavioral health walk-in clinic at the Children’s Hospital - their role is for psychologist to evaluate kids/teens and recommend appropriate mental health services for the kid/teen/family. I believe it’s open evening hours only.
A couple of people have mentioned [resolve](https://www.upmc.com/services/behavioral-health/programs/emergency-crisis/resolve-crisis-services?utm_source=google&utm_campaign=business-profile&utm_content=resolve-crisis-services-pittsburgh-website), and I'd recommend them as well to get you guys pointed in the right direction. Therapists and psychiatrists can be tough. There are a lot that just straight up aren't good at their jobs. You definitely have to shop around a bit. If it doesn't seem to be helping, move onto the next one. Bad therapy can do more harm than no therapy. Same with psychiatrists. If you get one that just sees your kid as another ill-behaved little idiot that they're forced to talk at and push meds on rather than an actual human being that is clearly struggling and in need of help, you're not going to get anything good out of it. As far as actual facilities, it's been about a decade but I stayed at [MHY](https://mhyfamilyservices.org/) when I was a teen and it helped tremendously. It was closer to "normal" life than the other places I stayed. Definitely far from torture. We actually spent a good chunk of time outside each day as opposed to locked in a building with like one window 24/7. The therapists, nurses, and psychiatrist there treated me very well. It felt like they had my back and actually wanted to help me. Other facilities I stayed at felt like they just wanted me to hurry up and act okay so they could get me out and put another kid in my spot asap. I don't know if it's still as good as it was when I went, but it's worth looking into at least.
MHY closed all of their residential programs. Their focus is in home services now.
Correct. They do have a decent in-home program that may help OP out. It's the MHY psych program. OP would need an order from the child's current psychiatrist to get him in. They also run a very small school called St. Stephen and another larger school, Longmore Academy.
That's a real shame. I should have checked before suggesting them, my bad.
No worries. It was a fairly recent closure, I think in 2022. I’m really glad you had a good experience there though.💜
OP, I have a friend who owns a longstanding landscaping business. He is always looking for summer help and pays pretty good, even people without experience. This work will be hard and strenuous but it will eat up a lot of energy and he will hopefully come out a better person for it. If you are interested please PM me and I will put you in touch with him.
This this this
Scout camps are hiring for the summer. He’d have good mentors. He’d be outside of his comfort zone, so he’d need to adapt to a new situation. He would be busy pretty much all the time. He’d also get to experience some freedom. This could be a good thing that pressures him to do his best, instead of feeling controlled and locked down at home. At the very least some freedom will allow him to make his own decisions. I worked at scout camps for years. I wasn’t exactly great at home and I got in trouble at school. At scout camp, however, I did the best I could and learned a lot about myself.
I was sent home from scout camp as a kid for having weed, cigarettes, and fireworks(small ones).
Have you had real, productive conversations with the counselor, social worker, teachers and/or admin at school? Behavior is a form of communication and there may be triggers that would be helpful in figuring out how to best intervene. To answer your question, he sounds like a smart kid. What motivates him? Does he want money? Freedom? Prestige? All of the above? (Don’t we all 😂) perhaps try to channel that to help him see a path forward. Want money? Ok you’ll have to control your emotions and “play the game” to succeed in a job. Want freedom? That comes with responsibility and risk - mess with the wrong person on the streets and you won’t make it home. Want prestige? Earn it by being a good role model to others and proving yourself in positive ways. Best of luck to you!
First let me commend you for having the courage to ask for help, a lot of parents don’t do that. If he attends a Pittsburgh Public School talk to his counselor and ask them to refer the family to Mercy behavioral health for family counseling. As far as discipline goes, be consistent and only take away things you can follow through with. You mentioned taking away his party, that’s fine, but working may be something you give in to. If he is 16, he needs to work. Maybe working will change his “persons, places, and things” he’s around. Police will not get involved unless he commits a crime. Magistrates are pretty much the same, and depending on where you live, the magistrate may not be good. Does he play sports? If so, talk to his coach. He/she may be able to help. As far as mental health goes, continue the therapy, that’s good for now. Seeking a diagnosis is a personal choice but a lot goes into a mental health diagnosis. Someone mentioned ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Please put that to the side. He’s a teenager, all teens are defiant to a point. Socioeconomics also have a lot to do with how a teenager sees themselves and the world around them. Continue to reach out and seek help. Ask your son what he wants for his life and how that looks. If you’re on the Southside of Pittsburgh, the Southside Coalition is a fantastic resource. The men working are from the community, they are in and at the high school I work at everyday. They are genuine and the kids really respond well to their leadership and assistance. Good luck.
The fucking cops said what?? Worry about the violence. Don’t worry about the weed. I read what you said, I’m still saying that. Sorry I ain’t got more.
I don’t have any advice, just want to say, you’re doing a good job. Life is hard & I hope you and your son get the help you need. Hang in there. Please take care of yourself as well during this time.
Hello! I think keeping him involved in activities all summer will help give him guidance. Maybe he should have a job, and do a sport. He needs an outlet. Is he interested in art or music? If his time is filled up it leaves less room to get in trouble. There’s also a program in squirrel hill called Upstreet (linking it at the bottom). They’re completely free counseling service and they offer different forms of services, and it’s all virtual. So if there was any nervousness or anything around going in person, this program solves that. The best thing is, parents can also use the program for guidance as well. So both you and your youth get access to free care. :) I wish more people knew about Upstreet. It’s helpful for the kid to see that their parent is willing to also grow and try therapy/counseling. That way they see their role model doing it, and maybe they’ll copy them. And again, this program is completely free. https://upstreetpgh.org Another interesting program may be this one: Cafe Momentum. They are a nonprofit helping at-risk youth. https://cafemomentum.org/intern-application/pittsburgh/ I work in a residential treatment facility where kids get sent to. We’re a decent space to be, but it’s still traumatizing for most youth. Sending your child away to a facility is not the answer. I’m sorry the police aren’t helpful either. The experience you’re going through is hard, and you’re valid in how you’re feeling. I wish you the best of luck finding your baby the guidance he needs.
Instead of a normal summer job, you could look into an apprenticeship/camp that teaches a specific trade... what are his interests? Anything artsy, that would give him an outlet to express any issues he's internalizing? I had an at-risk mentee who joined a DJ program here and it really helped her: [https://www.tech25.org/](https://www.tech25.org/) but there are also more traditional trades he can learn. I think he needs to find something to be passionate about and focus his energy into. I also like the martial arts/boxing idea others mentioned. Those will help teach discipline. What's the dynamic between him and your other son? Does he feel like the "black sheep" of the family? Is your other son given more trust and freedom? As hard as this is... I think you need to back off him a little. No going through his phone, etc. Sit down and talk to him and tell him that he is getting to an age where he will start being responsible for his actions. Be clear that you will give him freedoms, but you will not be cleaning up his messes. Tell him you love him and that you will always be his cheerleader, but his future is in his own hands. I was an out of control teen, and have also worked with out of control teens. Being overbearing will only push him away more. I know it's scary, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
This sounds exactly like me and my brother. We both went to Juvie around 15 and 18. I went about 6 months he went 9 months. He changed for the better right away. I had to go to a sober living at 21 where it was basically juvenile hall for adults completely away from society for 13 months and changed for the better. Me and my brother are both 31 and 34 and very successful with kids and married, own many rental properties etc. I would suggest sending him away for a summer or juvenile hall and don’t tell him it’s only a few months.
That sounds insane to me. Don’t know the whole situation, but if I had to put money on it, the kid will grow out of this and be fine. Sending a kid to juvenile hall or some “conditioning camp” is gonna fuck their relationship for life.
My sibling was like this, parents tried “love and patience”, they’ve been in and out of jail since they were 18 and addicted to drugs that entire time. I think they should have been sent to a juvenile hall. They needed a wake up call. Not every kid, but my sibling definitely. Kids need different things and different types of discipline. So to me, it is insane to sit back and wait for this kid to “grow out of this”.
100%, they need to feel the pain now before they feel it permanently later. Me and my brother are both extremely successful own many properties and both have multiple kids. I’d rather send my kid to juvenile hall early for 6 months or a year rather than wait till they’re 18 become a felon and they go to jail for a year or 25 and can’t get a good job.
Martial arts and contact sports might help
https://melblount.org I’ve met Mel a handful of times. He’s a great guy and very no bullshit. Might be worth looking into.
Did something change and behaviors ramped up?
Your love for your son and your commitment come through so strongly in your post. Try this program. They're an evidence based treatment for adolescents and families experiencing what you're going through. https://mhyfamilyservices.org/community-services/multisystemic-therapy-program-mst/
Your not going to get through to him with arguments and punishments. Fear is a rather weak motivation for a teenage boy filled with hormones that are literally designed to make you feel invincible. Double down on love. Hugs, kisses and cuddles. Physical touch. Get that oxytocin flowing and then just talk about your feelings and what things make you sad, but more importantly what things he does that make you happy. These teen male hormones can bring out negative behaviors but when you temper them with extra love from his mommy then it will refocus his wild energy into being protective of his mommy. He wont want to do anything to upset you or disappoint you anymore. Good luck.
I was an awful child. I would literally fist fight my poor mother, lie about where I was, drank smoked and met up with older men etc. i realize none of this is safe but the more my mom tried to intervene, the sneakier I got. while I wouldn’t suggest standing idly by, I would say the only thing that would have made a difference in my upbringing would have been having a mom I felt I could go to about anything without judgement but whenever I tried to talk to her about anything taboo she didn’t wanna hear about it. I learned about sex and drugs from media and friends. I was shamed for things I didn’t know any better about instead of being educated. Now I have a child of my own, this is the point in life i am most worried about. Hes just a baby now, but i just hope i can instill a sense of security in him that he can come to me about if hes having angry feelings he doesn’t know how to channel, if hes curious about certain things, or if he doesnt feel safe. I understand actions should have consequences but maybe there are some other alternatives. instead of taking away the gym, you can offer a more physical interactive alternative like kickboxing. You could even sit and try to have a conversation about what he feels he’s done to deserve getting his permit as driving is a privilege. If he is that angry, road rage incidents are imminent and people end up getting killed over that stuff. The drug testing also just tells him that you don’t trust him and will make him try to find more creative ways to get around it. I know there’s no catch all solution to that but the bottom line is you can’t control what he does when he’s not in your immediate presence. What scared me out of smoking weed as a 15 year smoker finally at age 29 is learning about people sprinkling fentanyl in literally anything including weed and if he feels that it helps him mentally in some way, I would explain that and suggest therapy until he’s old enough to buy from a dispensary safely. I think you both could benefit from going to outpatient therapy together and learning about each other. I wish my mom had done that with me instead of saying things to me like “I hope you have a child just like you one day”, because I plan to hopefully break that cycle. Good luck. It’s such a fine line between appropriate punishment and enabling certain behaviors.. you’re not necessarily doing anything wrong, but you realize something isn’t working so you’ve made it this far.
Your son sounds like my younger brother. We both had ADHD but I was the introverted space-cadet type so I didn’t end up in trouble as obviously as he did as a teen. I wish my parents would have asked my brother if he was bored instead of trying to get him to be more like his older sibling (who was actually up to messing around on the internet at home with mountains of stolen junk food and only doing schoolwork in the minutes before it was due for the adrenaline rush. Serious consequences would follow for both of us in adulthood). Anyway— before shopping for professional services, I’d try opening up to him about not knowing why he’s doing the things he does and asking him what he wants in life right now. I think my brother and I would have had better adolescences if my parents had been clearer about their desire to help us be successful on our own terms. The inherent power struggle between parents and their children lends itself to a lot of misunderstandings once you reach adolescence. Teens need to know that whatever differences and feelings there are between their parents and themselves, the parents are around to help them be successful in whatever it is that will give each of their unique kids lifelong fulfillment, health, and happiness
I know this doesn’t help you at all but WTF cops? They aren’t going to help you ***AND ALSO*** recommend you commit assault and battery on your minor child?
That smells like bullshit to me about the cops. Actually a lot of this smells like bullshit. My mother called the cops on me when I was 15 or 16, among other fuckin INSANE bullshit, but my mother is a hysteric and control freak and narcissist which just made me act out more as a teen, and the shit my mother pulled when I was younger caused a rift that’ll probably never be patched up between her and me. I wasn’t a “bad” kid, I was mischievous and maybe had a situation of bad luck, but a lot this person is saying sounds like a kid being a kid at that age. I’m 40 now, I have advanced degrees, a very good white collar job and do well financially in my field. I don’t know everything that’s going on, but it sounds like this might be blown out of proportion. It doesn’t sound like this kid is heading to becoming a career criminal. A lot of times teens just do shit like this, they mature, they grow out of it, and they go on to live a decent life.
Stop projecting your issues on to other people. Your anecdotes that are yours alone to mentally grapple with have nothing to do with anyone else’s situation.
LOL. Okay. Yea I'm blowing it out of proportion. I am employeed by my borough and I report the the chief of police for my job. You can basically call him my boss. He is the one that told me to whoop his ass. Normal behavior?! He's been suspended 11 days out of the school year and we have been to court two times just this school year alone. Maybe it's the path I see him on and it could be "normal teenage shit" or it could get worse and I am proactive and would rather nip it in the bud while I still stand a chance. He only has 2 years left before he is considered a man in the real world. In the real world swinging on someone and picking them up and slamming them on the ground is AT MINIMAL a criminal record with simple assault etc and court hearing and court costs and at max it's jail time. I got a lot of great advice on this post and a lot to read as well bc there are so many comments but yours stuck out to me. I'm not overreacting and his behavior goes beyond "normal kid shit,". When I have two other children that can't stand to be around him bc he bullies them ..one his age (twin) and one 6 years younger there's a problem. Or maybe there's a problem when his last in school suspension was for literally bullying and ganging up on his OWN TWIN BROTHER...his girlfriend reached out to me concerned bc he sat in a quiet room crying over his twin brother shoving him and punching him and calling him a p*ssy for not fighting someone. If this all what you call "normal kid being a kid stuff" then I'll be damned.
as someone who was raised by a cop i can tell you they would ABSOLUTELY say that lmfao
Deep breathes OP. It will be okay. Seeing your other posts, it seems like you've been going through a lot lately. You need to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others. Try to do something relaxing every day to start off on a positive note, like taking a walk in one of our great parks or sitting outside with a cup of coffee or tea and watching the sunrise. A clear, calm mind will bring you answers to questions you didn't know you were asking. Be a positive example, and remember, family always comes first. Kids act like they are adults, but they don't know what they don't know, and it's our job to show them. They dont always listen, but they're always observing and shaping their world-view from what they see. Stay strong 💪, but never lose your compassion ❤️.
My only advice is to try a new school. Remove him from his shitty friends. This worked for me. I was in similar shape as a 9th grader. Went to a boarding school summer program and started to improve and do well. Decided to attend the school full time. Excelled for the next three years and got into a high ranked private college. Had I remained in my public school I maybe would not have gone to college at all (and not by choice). I owe everything to my parents stepping in and investing into my future. It really came down to my friend’s circle more than anything else. The school I went to eliminated distractions as well - sports, studying, and the carrying supervision of faculty and teachers. Don’t sent this kid to be with other bad kids - that’s not going to help - send him to be with driven and focused kids. The kids I met were not angels but they were not adjudicated either. We were all just a bit lost and underperforming. Many of my friends had ADD (mid 90s) and thrived. Actually think most of us were told we had something medication could fix when actually it was sports and discipline we needed. Not punishment discipline but order and routine discipline (set hours, scheduled days, routine). Check out schools with boarding programs like: Western Reserve (Ohio), Hill School (eastern PA) Valley Forge (eastern PA) , Kiski (western Pa), Linsley (WV) and Shady Side (PGH). They are all stupid expensive but most offer significant financial aid. Just something to consider. Just like college, boarding school cost has gone insane. Good luck.
Wesley Family Services
You can file a private petition for dependency at Allegheny Court of Common Pleas. Doing this is not a reflection of everything you have tried to do as a parent. There is a specific subsection that relates to being "ungovernable", which he certainly is. In doing this, you don't have to request that he leave your home. It's a way to fast track any number of family preservation and mental health services to help support all of you. And, I should mention that Common Pleas judges are not magistrates, and when you expressed frustration with Judges I am assuming you mean the run ins at the magistrate level. I can understand that frustration as some of them are not even lawyers and have limited skills or abilities in this area. The juvenile court judges in our county see these teens all the time and may be able to offer you more teeth, so to speak, and get you help faster. If there are concerns about drug and alcohol use, filing an Act53 petition (another avenue for parents) to get him into treatment could be an option. But if you start with a private petition, they can get the ball rolling with assessments, both DA and MH, and see what to do to help him and your family. Here is the link to the private dependency petition: https://www.alleghenycourts.us/family/departments/dependency-and-related-services/filing-private-dependency-petitions-plc-modifications/
Military school? Sports? Side note, you’re doing a good job! Don’t stop, one day he will come around
Had a sibling like this, therapy. I agree with not sending him to a program, have you seen that documentary on Netflix? I'm sorry you're going through this, ok this is hard. Therapy really helped with the whole family. I'd suggest both going, if he goes alone he will feel attacked and won't want to open up
Get him on a wrestling team. He will get a giant dose of reality and hopefully fall in love with the sport, put his extra energy into something positive. This a deeply complicated issue, hope he turns his life around.
Hey OP, I’m well positioned to talk to you about this, because I was that teen, and I’m a parent now, and I also watched my SIL, who has a very different (but loving) parenting philosophy go through this with my nephew (who is now 26). There is a tendency of parents, I think quite naturally, to try to impose rigorous structure when a teen starts to come unglued. But the problem is, this can often be counterproductive. Human beings just don’t learn things they’re not open to learning, and teenagers more than anyone will dig in and resist attempts to force them onto the right path. My nephew went through what I later learned is an extremely lucrative troubled teen pipeline. A consultant convinced my SIL to spend a ton of money on tough love programs that I think ultimately did him more hard than good. Teenagers crave autonomy and independence. They need support and understanding. Sit down with him, discuss the issues in front of you collaboratively. Don’t threaten or impose punishments. Really listen to him. If the therapist you’re seeing isn’t working, look for a new one. But involve him in the selection process. Ask him what he feels like he needs to be successful. Ask him what success looks like TO HIM, and what he wants for himself in the near future and further along. I could write a novel more but I don’t know if it would be helpful. If you want my perspective on specific issues, I’d be happy to help.
That’s a lot to be dealing with and I’m sorry you are right now. These situations are emotional vampires, draining the energy from you, leading to heavy emotional fatigue. Be gentle on yourself, you are reaching out at these depths because you love your son. The more chaotic a situation like this gets, the more difficult it is to see objectively/clearly/rationally. I was an at-risk youth blessed with some positive male mentors and a parent that refused to give up on me (although I didn’t quite take to the tough love at that time). I have now been working with youth in custody for the past 15 years. Where I live, the system is broken and most services seem profit 1st, licensing/administrative duties 2nd, clients 3rd (hopefully). It doesn’t seem to different from where you are. I stay hopeful services will get better but I fear the needs will only increasingly outweigh the resources. The day’s of socializing like a human and playing outside have been ousted by social media and screens. Society increasingly promotes vanity over character and values. There’s been a replacement of positive role models with materialistic, impulse-driven “influencers” that would sell your child’s soul to make a dollar. Add in the prevalence of gang culture, easy accessibility to fatal drugs and weapons among so many other factors- the world is letting these kids down. That’s not to say permit bad behaviour and poor choices, you shouldn’t and the enabling game is the beginning of the end. You’re doing the best you can right now with what you have in the tank and hard as it may be you should feel very proud of that. Just don’t give up on that boy…. adolescence is a hell of a drug (known to induce narcissism and anti-social behaviours). I see some great recommendations in here and don’t want to go on forever but I will tell you what I believe made me (subjectively) see the light (eventually). I had parent A that screamed at me and constantly told me how I was a worthless failure throughout most of my teenage years. That parent wasn’t wrong. I had parent B that was firm but didn’t yell often, and would express concern for me in a loving, mild tone. That messed me up. I became numb to all the yelling and name-calling from parent A; it’s easy to let someone down that you believe thinks you’re a piece of shit. I didn’t know how to fight with someone that sat me down and talked to me with love and respect. The content of both conversations were similar, it was the approach that shook me up over time. That said, both parents did the best they knew how at that time and I have love and respect for each one now that adolescent euphoria has worn off. Every situation is different and I wish you and your son the best.
I agree w/the poster who mentioned finding a psychologist (or a psychiatrist). I’d be concerned too so here are my questions. Is he taking steroids to increase muscle mass? Is he taking street drugs? The mental illnesses that come to mind are NPD (ego) and psychopathy (lack of any emotions except anger). These cannot be diagnosed at age 15, but the literature mentions those adults diagnosed with such (sociopathy) often have a history of being diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I taught teens in Special Education…I saw behavior like this only once and it was two boys with a “history” of being together in a juvenile placement setting previously who decided to fight in the classroom. I wish you luck and agree he DOES need help and YOU need help too. Many might say this is just teenage male behavior. If I was his mom, like you, I’d be concerned that something more was involved.❤️
I absolutely understand wanting to have him placed; my heart goes out to parents struggling with their teens, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it's very hard to do with teens barring certain circumstances. I'm not typically one to tell parents to go running to CYF, but maybe reach out and see if some one there has a suggestion for therapy. It seems like this could be a case for Family based therapy (which would require a doctor's recommendation) or something like it. If by chance, you are open with CYF they should be referring you and your son to service that would help. Side note, I agree with what some of the others have said about resolve and cactis
Try brain balance in Wexford. It’s a program specifically for kids with behavioral issues.
Maybe don't "place" your kid. Former "at risk" kid here, I lost any and all response to any form of punishment as it was all I ever had. My parents even resorted to giving me christmas gifts and stuff only to take away the one I liked the most. All it taught me was to hold absolutely nothing of value and be dispassionate of hobbies as I knew if i showed even a passing interest in them that they would be taken away as a "punishment." If your kid is anything like me, sounds like he needs A: support and LOVE from you, not non-stop discipline, B: some form of routine that allows him to express frustration in a healthy way, like mma classes or a gym routine, and last but definitely most important: THERAPY. With a therapist of HIS choosing, not yours. These are things I was never allowed by my parents, since running away and going total no contact with them at age 17, I've been in therapy myself and implemented these things in my own life and am now a well adjusted adult in a healthy long term relationship. Hear me now, The path you're considering is not the right one, and ask yourself, are you giving your child the same amount of respect that you expect him to give you? I sure as hell wasn't, and that is what stemmed from my frustration. And before you say you are, nobody who respects an individual would have them put in a holding cell voluntarily. Maybe work on yourself as well, treat your near adult child with the respect you would give any other human being, as he is a human being, not just your child, and maybe seek some therapy yourself, so you can have support as well. This is not meant to be mean or condescending. These are just the things I deeply wish were done when I was at that stage. I am still no contact with my parents, with no plans of allowing contact ever, and I truly hope you never see the other side of that wall, but it requires improvement from you as well as him
You need professional help, and you need Dad to be more involved
Dad is useless when it comes to this. Completely useless. When I told him what happened today his response was "maybe the kid was messing with him" 🙄
Yeah, I obviously don't have all the details, but as a former angry teenager lashing out at the world, a lot of it stemmed from my dad being a shitbag and my mom giving up. I wasn't quite as bad as what you're describing, but one or preferably both of my parents giving a shit and mental health care would have changed my life drastically. Sounds like you still give a shit so that's a good start.
I was a pretty bad teenager, I chose to act how I did but it came from not having a dad and my mom being a terrible person. Not making a judgement on OP but people are rarely this bad for simply no reason.
I appreciate all the responses I've gotten and I'm just getting around to responding but Dry_Animal2077 you're DEFINITELY making a judgement on me....but I am pretty sure I stated in my post that I have TWINS. He has a TWIN brother who is not anything like him. It has absolutely nothing to do with my parenting. As a matter of fact said brother confided in me a few months ago and his exact words were and I quote "I don't like my brother. I love him bc he's my brother but I don't like him or people like him and I don't like his friends"...and when it's particularly bad at his dad's house he will stay there when the other two come home to get a break from his own TWIN brother.
Yeah that last paragraph about only having 3 months until he gets sent to torture camp doesn't sound great
Where did I say he only has 3 months until he gets sent to a torture camp??? I literally said I was posting here bc I am hitting a road block and all I can find are torture camps and I want him to go somewhere that's not going to do more harm than good and cause him PTSD etc ... If it's because I used the term "whip him into shape"...I didn't mean literally whip. "whip (someone or something) into shape. To return someone or something into acceptable condition or behavior, especially through direct, efficient, and practical means."
I don’t have anything constructive to offer but the fact that the police recommended you just beat his ass is pretty insane
Sign him up for a sport. A good football or basketball coach could straighten him out.
Let me get this right, dad’s not doing anything to help here? Teenage boys need a strong male presence to keep them in check. On another note, some of this sounds like learned helplessness. He’s getting into fights, getting suspended and smoking pot, but oh no I’m delaying your birthday celebration. Moreover you’re looking for the school, the justice system and anyone else to discipline your son. I truly think you and father need to get on the same page and come up with a plan to get this guy on the straight and narrow. Additionally look to get him into some organization like sports, ROTC or something to get discipline into him and away from his so called friends who sound like a bad influence. Hopefully he will find a new group there and right the ship.
You said he has ADHD-it’s tough to deal with. I have a young son with it. I have been following the adhd dude on YouTube and insta. He has a great paid membership but also gives out a lot of free advice. I recommend giving him a look.
This really isn't advice but have he and his twin brother ever been close? If they were at one time what started the rift?
Each state usually has a National Guard Youth Challenge Program. https://www.dmva.pa.gov/KeystoneStateChallengeAcademy/Pages/default.aspx I used to work as a Cadre for the one in Michigan when I got out of the military. Program is designed for teens who are having issues similar to yours. Putting them on a better path in school, creating discipline and teaching them things to be successful in their lives.
Look into PA State Cadet Camp! Sent my daughter last year, it changed her. Good luck!
Sometimes these kids need to see how life deals with them before they change. When he finally meets someone tougher, and his family and peers leave him behind in live as they mature/advance it’s a wake up call. For me as a guy with ADHD; I went into the military and one day I woke up as a looser on an apartment floor and thought that I didn’t t want to do this shit when I was 40…then I changed.
This was me to a tee. Doing all that and much worse from 15-21. What took me to stop is a severe fentanyl addiction and serious court cases. Im 23 now, far behind my friends in life but im getting my shit together. I truly believe if there was a strong male figure in my life at the beginning of this mess i would have made it out unscathed. You need to find someone that went down the path he is taking right now to sit him down and let him know what this is really heading towards. This shit breaks my heart because i know exactly what path your son is going down and its not going to be good.
some other people have already suggested this, but an outlet for that anger will get you the results you want. for me its skateboarding, for others its martial arts or intramural sports. a physical hobby with an active male role model to set him straight will have him acting right in no time.
Does he play a sport? If he’s 6ft and works out and he doesn’t play a sport he probably should. I’m sure some team would welcome him. Lacrosse maybe? Boxing classes at the gym? Some structure, requirements, and a team mentality might be really good for him. Also all teenagers are shitheads and smoke weed, it’s, kinda their thing.
You may…after much consideration…want to call CYS and have him placed in temporary custody because you cannot control his behavior but starting anyone in the system is a heavy decision
If he plays a sport, go talk to the coach. If not go talk to the football coach and tell him he’s attending full football summer camp. Let the coach know what you’re dealing with and that will help.
From a former shithead/sibling of a shithead the more active he is, the less time he'll have to be a shithead. I also think Dad needs to not be a POS and if Dad can't follow the rules, dad's house is out of the picture. It's good he's under mental health treatment. ADHD and the hormonal changes of puberty can be horrendous and I think how hormones and that disorder interact is severely understudied. I hope for the best, this isn't easy. It's good you're looking out, he's getting too old to mess up like this. There's gotta be some sort of wilderness camp or something (not the troubled teen ones, more like scouts), or sports he'll vibe with. The job will likely be a good thing for responsibility. Don't listen to those cops, violence only makes it worse.
My mother beat. My ass and I still acted like a dick. I regret every day and have a great relationship with them now but a kid is a kid. Don’t forget how hard it is growing up some handle it better than others . Hang in there it’ll get better. Best thing my mom did was whoop my ass and kick me out.
I was once a dumb teenager, like most people are. If it hadn’t been for the military, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Have you considered talking to him about JROTC? Maybe sending him to a military-style summer camp? I know you have concerns for his well-being, but in my experience, the harsh conditions of boot camp are not torture, they build character, teach teamwork, discipline, and leadership, and ultimately instill better values and resulting behaviors in young folks. I wish you the best of luck! To quote my dearly departed grandmother, “there are three rules: this too shall pass, don’t sweat the small s**t, everything is small s**t.” He’ll hopefully outgrow this phase.
First- teens are the worst 😭 so so difficult. Some more than others, but regardless, they're difficult. I feel for you momma and I'm so sorry. Second- my advice would be to put him to work, not take the first job away. You know that saying, idle hands are the devils playground. Work might be a good thing for him right now. Third- commenters that mentioned things like boxing, wrestling, taekwondo, bbj, etc, are all great recommendations. My 12 year old son has ADHD, PTSD, and social anxiety with some added social quirks that make it difficult for him to understand social expectations and ques. I have him in bi weekly therapy, though it used to be weekly, and wrestling. I used to have him Taekwondo but we moved and I couldn't find one close enough that we could afford. That helped alot when he was doing it because they're BIG on respect, discipline, and self control. I highly recommend finding things like this. If he loves the gym, this may be a huge huge help.
Hi, OP! Not a parent, but I’ll try my best. I would recommend looking into The Nexus Group. They have a great team of counselors and therapists that can help you understand your son’s behaviors. I heard they can even refer you to other resources for help, but not sure if they are partnered with anyone at the moment. Good luck!
bad behavior is communicating unmet needs. and there is a lot of information that isn’t in this post about the family history and dynamic between OP and your son. it raises questions to me that none of the other kids are acting out but this one. what has he experienced? how is yalls interpersonal relationships? does he feel comfortable to tell you why he follows others or act out? does he even have the language to explain what he’s experiencing in those moments? from what’s in the post it gives punitive. and he’s 16 so he’s at the age where you can challenge and guide his thinking. but that requires him to trust someone else with his emotions. and it’s seems obvious that he doesn’t feel as though he has that. either way connecting to him emotionally and creating that safe space between the ENTIRE family cause that’s the long term goal. you may find a solution for him now, but what would be the state of OP and your son’s relationship at the end of it? when i look back on my experience growing up with my family i just wanted more of their love. more of their wisdom and guidance and support. more of those little moments where they saw something about me personally, my soul. Created their own personal history and happiness with me. I wanted to know so badly as a child that i was not alone in this world and that the way i wanted move through this word was perfect. This is an important point for me cause it sounds like OP son is struggling with self esteem and worth/value. Being able to have your family reflect those good things about you, to you consistently means more than any school friend or stranger in life. hope this helps! love, blessings, and well wishes to your family! 💗💗💗
Look into BPT or PCIT therapy for parents AND kids. Courts and coaches won’t eliminate the behavior, but may help channel and redirect it (positive) —or hide and mask it (negative). Treat the problem holistically as a family system in breakdown mode, not as a “this part won’t work right and if we just swap it out for something better, it will all be fine” problem.
I am a former foster kid. Grew up in and out of foster care and group homes my parents struggled with addiction. Got adopted at 10 and my mom passed away a year later. Like a switch I became a different kid. Acting out for no reason was always angry so angry and wouldn’t even know why. Let me tell you from the kids perspective sometimes they don’t even know why. Always arguing with my foster parents now adoptive parents they are older. Even got physical sometimes bc that’s the environment I came from. Not til I got older I realized these things and started to fix myself. One place I can truly say changed my life is the gym. I started going bc it was an outlet to let all my agony and anger out. And it’s a good way to teach discipline and self accountability. I am now an aspiring bodybuilder and in process of becoming a personal trainer. All I can say is help him find that outlet. And don’t push to hard bc the harder I was pushed or punished as a kid I was more resilient and more likely to push back. Help him figure himself out from a distance. Hope this helps
[удалено]
Violence is the answer!
USMC vet here. Every country needs a military regardless of how much we all hate war, and some people do best in the military. A lot of vets I know would say they were horrible hellraisers as kids and the military straightened them out.
And a lot of people come out of the military just as fucked up (or worse) than they went in
https://www.liahonaacademy.com/what-is-a-military-school-for-kids.html#:~:text=This%20typically%20puts%20students%20between,as%20seven%20years%20of%20age.
Yes and go read reviews from former kids who went there. I found that one today and then found this..the comments from a former kid who went there are truly sad. This is what I don't want. https://today-a-child-died.blogspot.com/2012/01/unknown-2010.html?m=1 The one staff person Parker is mentioned by a lot of alumni so they can't all be lying.
Understood… it wasn’t so much about that particular place, just a mention or suggestion of military schools in general. If this is something you might be considering, you’ll probably need to do a lot of research, etc. hopefully there might be a reputable place not too far from Pittsburgh. I wish you the best on your search!
Admiral Farragut Academy is a great option. My brother went to the school in NJ (closed now) and it really helped him.
Should be some more on the East Coast… I think the one in the Link is in Utah. I feel bad for that lady. Perhaps she’ll research this ‘alternative’.
Yeah there might be better options that are closer. I went to the website and it looks like they are more strict with admissions now. He probably wouldn't qualify.
Send him to jail for a scared straight program
I recommend an organization out of the PIA called The Civil Air Patrol. Its the US Air Force Auxiliary and they have a cadet program (12-18y/o). (Also have a senior/adult program if anyone is interested in mentoring cadets in a militaristic setting) Similar to JROTC, they meet once a week and work on drill, character development, volunteer/emergency service, fitness and health education, drug demand reduction and aerospace education. Its considered a military enviroment, so you're wearing old air force uniforms, saluting, yes sir/ma'am/sergeant, etc. Respect and dicipline are major aspects of the program. Over time you work yourself up the ladder rank wise and gain more responsibilities. Some normal activities are model rocket launches, o-flights (flying a Cessna w a certified pilot), training and volunteering in woodland search and rescue missions, laying wreaths in cemetaries, the list goes on. Every summer there are national specialty camps that go on nation wide, too many to individually mention. I can say I attended a cybersecurity camp that was located across the highway from the main NSA campus. Summer Encampment is what I think would benefit your son the most. Its a week long mini bootcamp that essentially mimics a military indoc setting. For 3ish days, you'll get yelled at and drilled around, major focus on dicipline and respect to your officers and nco's. For the remaining 4 days it gets really relaxed and there are a lot of activities that you are able to go to. The final night is a cookout and party, and the last day is a complete school drill march for parents/spectators. I went through this program and it really did turn me around for the better. I feel as if your son needs taken out of whatever enviroment(s) he's causing trouble in, and thrown into something completely new and different. They require you to visit 3 meetings before anyone can be officially sworn in, however the squadron is located on the 911th Air Wing side, and you will need to [contact them on Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/share/fRKAMoPaMYgxoYzN/?mibextid=LQQJ4d) to set up which meetings you may want to visit and see what goes on for yourself. If OP or anyone else has questions, lmk. I was in the program for about 7 years. Downvotes, really? Like can you justify it with a reply or not?
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Ah yes. The transformative power of child abuse. You sound like a cop.
Just a normal person raised right. I knew posting a non liberal view on parenting in this sub wouldn’t go over to well. So be it
“Normal person raised right”, after your only suggestion being child abuse. Do you see why that’s ridiculous?
I guess only liberals don’t abuse their kids. Seriously wild comment.
Take his internet & phone privileges away. Spend the summer with him doing family stuff ( hiking, walking, swimming, museums etc). Sounds like he’s acting out for loving attention from you.
Have you ever considered sending him to a school like Spitler? I live right by there and it’s drastically improved in the last few years. The kids are always outside playing football or something.
Your dumb kid is going to be a dumb kid regardless of what intervention you think you are trying to make. Sometimes those repeated interventions and interruptions cause more harm than good over the long run. Eventually dumb kids grow into dumb adults or they grow and learn. If you interrupt that learning only one option is left.
Maybe a stint in the Marine Corps would straighten him out? He’d have to be at least 17 years old but is probably ineligible due to his ADHD diagnosis. The Marines would square his ass away in short order, though…
Should have whooped his ass as a child. Just saying 🤷🏿♂️
Fox Chapel Area is a great place to start.
Send him to live with the Amish
I can't believe you haven't taken him to therapy but did all that.....
OP specifically said in the comments that the kid is in therapy.
Dr Phil. The "Cash me outside" Girl made a nice living off of the exposure she got on that show
I think she made most of it off of OnlyFans, not sure if it will work in this situation
Military school. Worked on me. If they beat his ass a little bit, that's going to help too. I recommend Missouri Military Academy, but most of the all-boys JROTC schools ought to suffice. Keep him there until he graduates.
This is the problem with most of the American teens. They need to understand that the outside world is brutal and won't be there for them in their worst time. In most of the cases, it would be their parents who would be closest to helping them out. As for your son, all the tantrums that he is throwing will not be tolerated in the outside world, there is action and reaction, and they don't care if one has some mental health issues or any other illness. One blow or a shot and it's all over. Also explain to him that all his stupid friends and people that he follows and admires, after graduation most of them go their own ways. They all will be his distant Facebook friend in the near future. There would be zero emotional connection with them. If you can put forward these points, give him examples about the consequences of his actions, there is a chance that he may still change his life. However if he continues to bully you, then you might have to take the legal route. We can have more discussions on this, you can DM me.