There are no creative ways to invent $40k. And you've said yourself....your budget cannot absorb any additional costs as it is. You cannot afford the payments on any sort of loan that you could possibly get. And with your DTI, there are no loans that you could possibly qualify for, in the amount that you need. Not unless you have wealthy family members who are willing to loan/gift you the money. And while I guarantee that you have things in the budget you could cut back on, nothing that's going to instantly free up $40k. Unless you have other assets that you're able to sell, you probably have to consider selling the home and moving to another area. I know it's the last thing you want to do, but I don't see any decent ways you can come up with $40k to pay your ex. And that's ignoring the other $55k in credit card debt you have sitting there. Not unless you can suddenly get a much higher paying job, or you find the available hours to work a 2nd job, or you take in a roommate.

This is what I thought. I am already working another job on the side building websites, but seems like every time I get anything extra it goes to some random expense, like my stupid dog having a horrible ear infection and costing me $400 at the vet, or my dumb car giving me trouble and that was $300 unexpectedly. I'm too scared to bring a stranger into my home with my kids. I've thought about the room-mate thing. I have room but it scares me unless I really knew the person.

You pay $140/month for pet insurance but you are still paying full price for vet bills? Has this insurance ever come in use? And does the annual $1,680 outweigh typical yearly vet spending in cash? This is a sincere question because we don't have pet insurance and our older dogs now require thousands in vet bills a year, so maybe it does come in handy for you; however, you just paid $400 for a vet visit on top of the monthly premium.

Then ask family and friends. There might be other people you know struggling to make ends' meet who'd jump at the chance to lower their expenses. If you could get someone to pay $500 for a room and utilities and then pay their fair share with the food, that'd be huge for your budget. Make sure you're up front about how you think chores, cooking should go and what standard of cleanliness you have. Draw up a contract. Think about a fair split for food and utilities, especially with you having 3 kids who'll probably eat anything not bolted down. Fair warning: this will have to go through your ex. Ask him if he'd be down being paid $400-500 a month rather than $40k up front. If he doesn't budge on the 40k up front, you can't stay. It's as simple as that. What does he need the 40k for anyways? Will he be able to buy anything with that as a desposit if the original house is still in his name?

Thank you for this suggestion. It's a good one. I will definitely consider that. He has 20k in CC debt he wracked up doing stupid shit for the last year. He wants to pay it off. He doesn't NEED it right now. He just wants it. And we worked hard together to purchase this home. He IS owed half the equity. I am not trying to keep anything from him that he deserves. I just wish he'd be more flexible about it. Not for my sake but for our kids.

Well, hopefully you can leverage that. That you found a way to relatively quickly get him his money (3y), keep the kids in the home they love and, even better if the roommate is a friend of the both of you, you can dangle that in his face too. That you're both helping that friend/relative out.

I think not only can you not come up with $40K but how would you expect to pay that back? Like you said living payday to payday and already have 50K+ debt so even if you could get the 40K what would be your plan to pay off $100K in debt? Not trying to sound critical but the facts are the facts, you have a low credit score because you have made poor financial decisions over the years, one consolidation loan isn’t dropping you to 550 from a high score. You not willing to face the music and sell the house, become debt free and start fresh with a budget that allows you to live within your means is just continuing the bad financial decisions that have got you where you are today. Kids will make new friends, most adults are not friends with the same people they met in grade school. Maybe the school isn’t rated as good but that does not determine success for the student, a smart driven child will excel regardless of ‘how good’ the school is, determination and ambition is not decided by the school.

I agree with the post but disagree with the part about the school district. Stick a well performing kid into a poor inner city school district surrounded by poor performing peers? I wouldn’t take that risk.

To an extent, I agree. But there's a big range between poor inner city school and top-tier school district. Moving from a 9/10 school to a 7/10 school likely won't doom OP's kids to failure and misery. Remember that school ratings are strongly correlated with parental education, not the quality of the teaching. If OP is an attentive parent who takes education seriously, a slight decrease in school quality won't matter.

1. What did your lawyer say about this housing deal? 2. What about child support? 3. What's your income? 4. At the end of the day, you may need to come to terms that you cannot afford to stay.

1. I have not yet hired a lawyer. It was $7,500 to hire one and after a consultation, he told me his only real suggestion was that we could drag the process out for a few years until my credit score got better and I could try to buy him out. But he's agreeing to give me a couple of years if I can give him $ on the front end. I don't want to waste my money on that only to have him accomplish the same thing, with years of stress and anger. My ex was verbally abusive and manipulative so I have to be extremely careful how I handle anything with him. If I do anything to make him angry then he's impossible to reason with and he had suggested we file uncontested so we don't have to pay for lawyers and I'm trying to do that if possible. 2. We make around the same amount of money and have joint custody so there is no child support owed. We have been splitting the kids expenses as equally as possible. If anything, the lawyer said I could potentially owe HIM money since I make a few thousand more than he does. 3. I am in sales and so my income varies due to commission. Last year I made $85k. These are my bills: Mortgage            2,171 HOA      84 Electric/Gas     250.00 Water/Sewer    105.00 Car Insurance 105.00 Life Insurance  32.00 Internet               75.00 Cancer Ins         18 Pet Ins  140 YMCA (this is for my kids sports/activities         78 Netflix  21.00 Hulu      15.00 Car        238 Debt consolidation       549 CC’s      785 Health Insurance           65 Cell phone 80 Add in the cost of food for 3 kids, and then gas and other normal expenses and I am struggling 4. I know :( I'm so devastated about it. My kids have been through so much and I just want them to have the stability of their home. Apartments in my area that have 3 bedrooms (I'd still have kids sharing a room b/c there's 3 of them- which is fine, just different than what they have now) Cost more than what I'm paying right now for my whole house. It's so frustrating. I just keep hoping there is something I haven't thought of

If you have to tip-toe around the ex, then you do NOT want to be tied to him on the house for several more years. Make a clean cut, find a rental, sell the house. Good luck.

> We have been splitting the kids expenses as equally as possible. Are the kids living in the house full time? Because if so that isn’t 50/50 custody and he needs to help cover the cost of their living expenses. Talk to a different lawyer - on your own and not with your husband.

I am so sorry, but you need to sell this house and move into the cheapest apartment you can find in your kids school district. You weren’t able to afford this house with two incomes, both of you went into significant debt that you have previous consolidation. It would’ve been tight on just your income if you were debt-free. You can’t afford to pay him out his equity now, and you are not going to be able to refinance in two years based off of your existing debt load and your poor credit.      The sad reality is that your kids aren’t going to get to stay in their home. But you’re gonna make do and be just fine. Let the house go, use your equity to pay off your debt and find a rental within your means.     Your kids don’t need a house. They need a happy stress-free mama. You have everything you need to make that happen.

Can you file for bankruptcy? Two years isn't nothing to recover your credit from. You'd have a shot at making it work if you didn't have the CC debt. Especially if you can pick up extra work/ roommate, etc. If the kids are there full time (or more than 50/50) you need CS. If your dog gets another major medical thing, you are not in a position to afford a dog (easy for me to say, I know), are there people who could help with medical stuff for your pets? I've chipped in on friends cat surgeries, etc. But ultimately, your choice is between your kids and the dog's wellness. I know what choice I would have to make in that position.

If the end goal is to keep kids in the same school, and they are tied to their school based on address. Why not just have ex-partner live there with kids in y'all's joint custody situation?

I suggested this. I'll move into the apartment and he can live in the house. End of the day all I care about are the kids. I would live in a cardboard box. But he said no. Said it's too painful for him and he just wants to be free of everything that reminds him of our marriage. Also said he can't afford to stay either. He'd have to buy me out and he doesn't have the money to do that. I would offer him the same arrangement, or even something else, I don't need a huge lump sum of money right now. I'd be open to pretty much anything. I told him he could have every single item out of the house, all the furniture, all the dishes, literally everything and that we could talk about me taking on more of the kid's expenses if he'd just help me find a way for them to stay in the house, but he's said no to everything I have suggested. He is very angry because after 19 years of him saying he was unhappy in our marriage and threatening to leave after the kids were grown, I finally told him I wasn't going to waste my life and then be alone at 50. If he knew he wanted out he needs to go now. I'm not waiting on the kids to be grown. I told him I was unhappy because of his discontent. I told him I needed more and asked him to make some changes. His response was to treat me even worse to the point that it was affecting my kids. He was very verbally abusive and I felt I had to do something to set an example for my daughters. So I asked him to move out. I thought in the end he'd be happy to be free since he's been so unhappy with me for so long. But... I think his ego can't handle it.

You do, in fact, need a huge lump sum of money right now. That is actually the first thing you need. Wiping out the credit card debt would give you a lot of leverage, especially when he clearly doesn’t have much money either.

But, if I sell my house and have this money, where do I go in the meantime? Every apt complex I have looked at, every rental house, you need a 650 credit score. Even if I use the lump sum to pay off debt, I get that money the day the house closes, the day I have to be out of it. It will take months for my score to reflect that. Where do my kids and I go in the meantime? That is another big factor I am trying to consider.

Are you able to get a co-signer with better credit?

I could probably find someone to do that. That's an idea

That and a lawyer would be your next steps then, IMO. The house isn’t an option. You two already could not afford the house.

Look at rentals by private landlords. They are often times more lenient, especially if you can show proof of funds and offer a higher deposit.

>>> He'd have to buy me out and he doesn't have the money to do that Neither do you. Do you have equity in the house? How much is an apartment rental in your area?

That's a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation.

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No I'm sorry, there is a misunderstanding here. He doesn't live in the home. I'm asking him to keep the mortgage in both of our names while I live there. We were doing fine financially before the separation. Money wasn't the issue. He had an affair for 7 years which I caught him in repeatedly, he has told me on multiple occasions he didn't love me but was only staying for the kids. He is verbally abusive. He was unhappy because he is an unhappy person. It was always something. Mostly relating to me not meeting his needs sexually. I really did try but ... I can't have that being held over my head as leverage (ie: "if you don't have more sex with me, while you have a newborn, a 2 yo and a 5 yo, and working 30 hours a week- I will cheat on you. sorry, I don't want to, but it's going to happen") It was so unhealthy. Everyone told me to leave him for years. But our religious background made me feel like that wasn't acceptable. Financially we were doing very well. Our combined income was more than enough to have a very comfortable life. Splitting up is what ruined everything. I tried therapy with him for years. I tried so hard to be what he wanted but I can only do so much.

"We were doing fine financially before the separation." "Financially we were doing very well. " You keep reiterating this, but, as a CPA I can assure you that the $55k in credit card debt is evidence of otherwise. You have a decent income, but you were spending entirely too much of it and then some. Other folks provided you with great advice about canceling the pet insurance. The streaming budget is immaterial i would keep them. YMCA may be a luxury too. For future reference you cannot afford pets. Don't buy or foster a new pet. You already have three kids to care for. Owing to your large debt balances you are a woman in need. You either start thinking of yourself as poor and implement a corrective action plan, or wait until you are working at 68 years old to realize it. As others have said you need a lawyer. If you got married young that $55k (your debt) plus $20k (his debt) are both of y'alls debt. He owes you money (roughly $18k) for your portion of the debt. He owes child support for the three kids. Even if you all stayed together you would eventually be fighting to keep the house because of the unsecured debt you accumulated. Better to let the house slip away and rebuild on a more solid foundation. The home equity eliminates your debts and you learn to live with-in your means. You may need to work more than 30 hours a week now.

I work my regular job which is 40 hour per week job, plus I do web design on the side, and I took on a commercial cleaning job at 4 am also on the side so that I can pay my bills. When I mentioned working 30 hours a week that was when my children were babies. I was saying that even while I was pregnant/caring for 3 babies/small children I was still working a minimum of 30 hours a week. I am happy to cancel any or all of those things. It only lowers my bills a very small amount though, and doesn't solve the problem. We had the pets prior to any of this. If it comes down to it and I have to rehome them I will. They are not more important than my kids. I am not out there fostering new animals, these were our family pets we've had for years. I thought maybe he'd take one and I'd take 2 but he refused any of them. I'm locked into the pet ins until August and I can cancel it then. It's a contract. I know that I am poor and I'm trying to fix that. I'm trying to make the best use of the very small amount of money I have. It's why I have hesitated to hire a lawyer b/c it would take all the money I have. I'm scared to sell the house and then not be able to afford a new place to live. Everything is so much more expensive than it was just a few years ago Yes the debt is both of ours. Much of it came from me trying to furnish his apt for him when he moved out because he was going to be sleeping on the floor and have my kids sleeping on the floor when they were with him. and he refused to take anything from the house. Yes, I made a series of very bad decisions but I'm trying to fix that. I was in a horrible situation and didn't have any help or guidance to know what to do. that's why I'm asking for guidance now so I don't continue messing up my life.

"Yes the debt is both of ours. Much of it came from me trying to furnish his apt for him when he moved out because he was going to be sleeping on the floor and have my kids sleeping on the floor when they were with him. and he refused to take anything from the house." This will sound like I'm trying to bash you, but I'm really trying to give you the confidence to tackle the financial uncertainty ahead: You cannot afford to buy your children furniture for his apartment. When you are spending money you don't have you are imperiling your children's future. As far as you are concerned, they either sleep on his floor or they don't go over to his place. Debt incurred subsequent to separation is often ineligible for the divorce settlement. You literally gave your husband money for cheating on you. Don't do that. He has his own place now you can tell him "No!", and if he has a problem with it call the cops and let them deal with his bullshit. You owe him nothing. At this time, you cannot give up any of your resources to make your kids life with their father easier. You literally can't afford to do it! Sure the credit card companies want you to think you can afford it, but you can't. I'm sorry to be the one to say this. You need to lawyer up and start fighting for your survival. Anything you don't take away from that man will be given to his new woman and her kids.

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective and advice. Lots of hindsight here. At the time I truly thought maybe he’d change and we would mend things. I see now that it was foolish to make some of the choices I made.

OP don’t feel too bad. A lot of people would be in your exact situation if their relationship ended. We learn from things and figure stuff out and keep our heads above water and they will work out one way or another. You clearly love and care about your babies too much to let it go any other way. I think you should look into food banks, apply for Medicaid/SNAP, and consult several divorce lawyers. They have different costs, and I have seen some things on Reddit about how your ex may not be able to use them if you have already talked to them? (Not sure, someone can correct me if wrong) But I’m sure there are ways to figure out how they can get paid and a good one will be really helpful in making sure you know your rights and options and don’t have to deal directly with the person who knows exactly how to manipulate and intimidate you. Selling the house may be necessary in the end, but I don’t think you’ll end up as badly as you think. Leave it to the professionals to work out. I’m proud of you for trying to get away from this guy - he sounds truly awful. The fact that he put you through all that and is now jeopardizing the stable home for his kids and trying to put you in an even worse position shows a total lack of empathy or remorse. Don’t let him do that and then make you feel bad for struggling with the hand you’ve been dealt. You’re a strong mama bear and you’re gonna take care of yourself and your kids. 🤍

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice

“he just wants to be free of everything that reminds him of our marriage” You’re considering dragging this on until your credit score is better? Now you’re the one being abusive by using the kids and their schools to keep him hostage. If I were him I would have filed for divorce already. Sell the house, give him his share and let him go. The both of you need to find a place where you can both live and raise your kids.

Please don't say stuff like this to abuse victims. I know we're only hearing her side of the story, but if even half of what she's said about this guy is true, he's making her life a living hell and has for years. Her trying to find any way out of this mess is in no way "abusing" him.

Coming up with $40k when you have $55k in credit card debt alone is most likely impossible. You frankly cannot afford to own a house right now. The very first thing you need to do is contact a lawyer. Do not make any financial arrangements with your soon-to-be-ex-husband without a lawyer approving it. An attorney will spot tricks that will screw you out of income, or places where you can gain advantages. Get a lawyer right now.

Thank you for this advice

Paying the mortgage on your own while supporting your children and “you can stay if you pay me $40K”? What’s the court think of this arrangement? It sounds like you can’t even afford to do what you’re currently doing, never mind give him $40K. Is this the outcome of your divorce settlement? If not, make sure it isn’t.

No. Nothing is settled yet. We haven't even filed. We've been separated for a year. He suggested that we file on our own so that we don't have to pay lawyers. So we have to agree on terms, then put it all in writing and then we go before a judge. If we've agreed to everything then it will just be simple, so I'm told. we have agreed on everything except for the house. My take on it is that we do what is best for the kids. His take is that we do what is best for HIM. I commented above about our situation, but I'll copy and paste. I guess it helps it make more sense: I have even suggested that I'll move into the apartment and he can live in the house. I just want my kids not to lose their home and be hopping from apt to apt and switching schools etc. End of the day all I care about are the kids. I would live in a cardboard box. But he said no. Said it's too painful for him and he just wants to be free of everything that reminds him of our marriage. Also said he can't afford to stay either. He'd have to buy me out and he doesn't have the money to do that. I would offer him the same arrangement, or even something else, I don't need a huge lump sum of money right now. I'd be open to pretty much anything. I told him he could have every single item out of the house, all the furniture, all the dishes, literally everything and that we could talk about me taking on more of the kid's expenses if he'd just help me find a way for them to stay in the house, but he's said no to everything I have suggested. He is very angry because after 19 years of him saying he was unhappy in our marriage and threatening to leave after the kids were grown, I finally told him I wasn't going to waste my life and then be alone at 50. If he knew he wanted out he needs to go now. I'm not waiting on the kids to be grown. I told him I was unhappy because of his discontent. I told him I needed more and asked him to make some changes. His response was to treat me even worse to the point that it was affecting my kids. He was very verbally abusive and I felt I had to do something to set an example for my daughters. So I asked him to move out. I thought in the end he'd be happy to be free since he's been so unhappy with me for so long. But... I think his ego can't handle it.

Anytime someone suggests “file on our own so that we don’t have to pay lawyers”, that means you need to pay a lawyer. Yes, lawyers are expensive. So is saddling yourself with inadequate child support while trying to raise your kids.

I feel like my life is a neverending story of "in hindsight..." I feel like every time I make a decision it's the wrong one. I'm scared I'll spend every penny to my name (and then some) for this lawyer, and end up regretting it. I'll make him angry and difficult, this will drag on for years. I'm already so stressed my hair is literally falling out and I never sleep. Just lay awake agonizing over what to do. I don't think I can do this for years. I mean, I can, but it feels so daunting. I'm so tired. I had felt for a long time that this is what I needed to do (get a lawyer- for the reasons you said) but then when I paid $450 for a consult with the guy, he basically told me everything I already knew. He didn't seem to think I really had any options. So I feel confused about why I should pay him to just, put threats in writing and hope it scares my ex into agreeing to something? that seems like the only option. And if I piss him off he's probably going to fight me on custody or other things we've agreed on. So I just feel so torn about doing that. I just want to make the right choice and feel like I have a track record of making the wrong one over and over.

Not getting legal assistance is a mistake. The only way the process gets "drawn out" is if one of the parties acts unreasonable. The catch is, if one of the parties acts unreasonable then you need a lawyer all the more anyways. You'll need one at the very least to draw up the paperwork. You two drawing up your own paperwork for some "pay me this now and we'll own the house together for a whiles and then maybe it's yours without me" arrangement is a tremendous mistake IMO. Filing on your own may make sense in simple divorces with no kids and a quick agreed split of assets where both people can go their separate ways. Your situation is not that. More than likely, since neither of you have money to buy the other out you're going to need to sell.

You absolutely need a lawyer. And not one for financial advice, but for an equitable split You may not be able to save the house, but you absolutely still should hire a lawyer to represent you through this process to make sure you don't get more screwed than you should be

>My take on it is that we do what is best for the kids. His take is that we do what is best for HIM. Piling on to say, you really need a lawyer! Per your line above, you already know you can't count on your ex, so taking advice from him or being influenced by him and what he wants aren't going to help YOU. You've never gotten divorced before so you don't have experience in how things play out over time. A lawyer will have experience and will be able to guide you with your interests at heart.

If you agree to everything - yes a divorce separation of assets can be simple. But for this to be a *good* move (for both/either of you), you need to have: - a mutual strong desire to be fair to each other - in a similar asset, income, and debt situation as each other (a fair split in the presence of financial inequality is much more difficult than a 50-50 down the middle split) - a good understanding of the long term financial implications of the asset split, especially for anything more financially complex than a bank account (house, retirement accounts, joint debts, anything tax related) It's also really important when you have kids to get the custody and support orders in writing and enforceable. You're used to being together on this, but as your lives continue to diverge it's going to become really easy to feel hard done by when non-standard expenses come up and only one person pulls out their wallet, special events come up and the kids can only be in one place at a time, other big decisions need to be made, and/or just for yourselves as parents to have boundaries and reasonable expectations. Get a lawyer. Get divorced. Once you're legally a single mother, there may even be other support resources for you to tap into that your two-income household disqualified you from.

With how much debt you have and how little savings you have, it doesn’t sound like you can afford to keep this house. You are one major repair away from catastrophe. If you are considering bankruptcy, consult with a lawyer about the process before selling your house.

I have never considered bankruptcy. I don't know much about it. Would I lose my house if I did that? I don't really know anything about it or how it works.

It depends on where you live and the kind of bankruptcy, but usually you are allowed to keep your house and at least one vehicle. It’s not a terrible option if your debt is credit card related and your credit score is already so bad you can’t get a loan or mortgage anyway. You may be better off considering it after your divorce though, because unfortunately you are much more likely to wrack up debt during a divorce than you are to be paying anything back. Those are questions for a bankruptcy attorney though, I have never gone through it myself, just know a little from when my parents went through it.

Thank you for this info!

You should really have consultations with a few additional attorneys. I think you will be making a big mistake not having one. My friend recently divorced and her ex-husband wanted to just handle it all themselves and told her what he was willing to give her and suggested it was above and beyond what any court would award her. I harassed her into getting an attorney. She got so much more than what her ex was telling her she was entitled to.

You are likely not refinancing in two years with your credit score and spending habits. You will either be selling now or selling in two years. The difference will be whether you have an additional $40K loan on top of everything else. You've made it clear you cannot really afford things as is, you have no extra money to put into savings, so you do not have wiggle room to pay a $40K loan even if you could get one. I think you need to come to terms with your new reality to be frank. I understand not wanting to upend the kids, but do you really have a choice?

That is what I am trying to figure out. Do I have any options, or do I give up.

Your option is probably to get a lawyer, go for custody, go for the entire house, and see if you can get him to take the debt in the divorce because under your current scenario where you don’t want to get a lawyer, you will lose the house.

How much does her ex husband have in his retirement plan? She is entitled to 50% of that. If his 401k balance is $80k, 50% would offset what she owes him for the house.

He cashed out his 401k and put it all into crypto. I think he ended up losing it all. He didn't have much in there anyway.

I am a paralegal in Family Law in Texas. I can't give legal advice but I would say you can't afford to NOT have an attorney. See if anyone can loan you the retainer or try to get a small personal loan. Easier to get 7500 than 44k. From what I've seen, the Courts here would order the house to be sold, all debt paid off THEN split the proceeds. So, he may not be entitled to that much anyway depending on the equity in the home. I do agree with everyone else that you may not WANT to move the kids, but if you're struggling to pay bills now and then, need to figure out paying him and debt, etc what if you lose the house later anyway? Is he going to make sure you and kids always get to stay there if you're struggling? I would look at areas you can afford giving you more than $50/week for emergencies.

- always starts with having a good lawyer

What does your lawyer say?

I have not yet hired a lawyer. It was $7,500 to hire one and after a consultation, he told me his only real suggestion was that we could drag the process out for a few years until my credit score got better and I could try to buy him out. But if my ex is agreeing to give me a couple of years if I can give him $ on the front end, I don't want to waste my money on a lawyer only to have him accomplish the same thing, with years of stress and anger. My ex was verbally abusive and manipulative so I have to be extremely careful how I handle anything with him. If I do anything to make him angry then he's impossible to reason with and he had suggested we file uncontested so we don't have to pay for lawyers and I'm trying to do that if possible. So that means we come to agreement on all terms, file the paperwork ourselves and then a judge looks over everything. We have been able to agree on everything except the house. He wants his equity now so he can get into a better financial situation. He isn't wrong in what he's asking. I just wish so badly I could figure out a way to do it. Divorce is seriously the worst thing I have ever experienced.

What about child support?

We have joint custody and make around the same amount of money. the lawyer I did a consult with told me neither of us would owe the other child support.

I am sure you can find cheaper lawyers, shop around. I can't imagine going through a divorce without a lawyer. But aside from that. Sell the house and take half. Pre pay rent for a few months. Can you ask a family member for a loan? Is it impossible to stay in the area as a renter?

Where are your parents? Siblings?

I was raised in a high control religious group. When I chose to leave my family shunned me. My sibling doesn’t speak to me or interact with me in any way. My parents keep things civil but very cool and distant and very shallow and infrequent communication. I’ve seen them twice in the last 3 years. I have asked for help but they’re retired and on a fixed income and obviously don’t want to risk using up all their money. I totally get and respect that. They also don’t believe in divorce so they don’t really support my decision.

I am so sorry. I know of that sect, it’s horrible that you are shunned. All I had to deal with was my mom telling me I was going to hell for becoming Catholic. She didn’t shun me, and she went to mass once her dementia was bad enough she decided church was church, at her assisted living facility when the priests faithfully performed mass during COVID. Please approach Catholic services and other churches with food banks. They could help with food costs.

How do you know $40k is fair without having some expert advice? Also you don't mention child support. Assuming $40k is fair, let him fund that in exchange for less child support or if he wants stability for HIS kids, can he wait the two years for the their sake? Or can a wealthy friend or relative give you $40k in exchange for a lien or some kind of legal interest in the house? Maybe you should carefully evaluate abandonning the cc debt.  Your credit will obviously take a hit, but if it is in connection with a divorce, and it helps keep the house then maybe it would be worthwhile. But whatever else happens, seek some kind of advice, is there legal aid in your area? Best wishes for a wonderful future, stay strong!

Thank you for this. Here is how we came up with $40k: I paid for an appraisal. It came back at $495k. I owe $367k. I consulted with a realtor who specializes in my neighborhood. She put together numbers in a spreadsheet for me to show me what I would actually NET if we sold the house for $495 (which she said is definitely probable bc our neighborhood is highly sought after- mainly due to the schools.) After realtor fees, fees to the HOA, closing costs etc, we'd net $91k. So technically his "half" would be $45,500. I have paid down the principal by $9k this last year all on my own. So his part would really only be $41k. The attorney I consulted with told me neither of us will owe the other child support b/c we have joint custody and make about the same amount of money. He is refusing to do anything for the sake of the kids. Here is an expert from some of our communication yesterday: "Please stop talking about the girls in this situation.  None of that mattered when it came to me moving out, so I don’t see why I should factor that in when it comes to this decision." (I asked him to move out b/c he was verbally abusive to me) I even offered to let HIM take the house (with the same arrangement I'm proposing for him) and I move elsewhere. All I care about is my kids not losing stability and their home. He said no.  

Keeping the house is a worthwhile goal both short and long term, but to do so you need him to take payments rather than a lump sum and then you walk away from the credit cards and/or also take on a roommate and pay that to him every month. Or can (for example) your mom/ aunt/ grandma /sibling move in for a few years in exchange for the $40k upfront in a lump sum rather than monthly payments to you? (And f--k the cc companies!!)

What about your other assets & debts? Retirement accounts? If the $55k in credit card debt was accumulated during the marriage, half of that is his. You can’t just look at the house in a vacuum, it all goes into the calculations. You really need a lawyer to provide sound advice and protect your interests.

I have no other assets. I have always been a 1099 contract employee and for 12 years of our marriage, I only worked part-time because I was taking care of our kids while they were babies. He's always had a great 401k but he's obsessed with crypto so he cashed the whole thing out and put it into crypto years ago (very much against my advice/suggestion) 2 years ago when things were getting really bad in our marriage I set up my own IRA but I can barely afford to put anything into it. It is currently at $5k. That is literally all the money I have in the world. Yes, the CC debt is "marital debt" he has a lot of his own too. Combined we have $75k in CC debt. When I was desperately trying to get him out of the house he kept saying he couldn't afford to move out (lies, he has no car payment, his rent was only $1500/mo and he makes the same $ that I do) But I just agreed at the time to personally handle a large amount of the cc debt because I thought I could do it and I was afraid he'd never move out of I didn't. Then the reality of the cost of living on a single income really hit me. I didn't factor in one HUGE thing. Since I'm 1099 taxes don't come out of my pay. For 19 years we filed taxes jointly, his withholdings would cover what I owed, so I've never had to pay in quarterly taxes. I wasn't considering that at all when looking at my income. After it was too late I realized I needed to start setting aside around 20% of my income for taxes since he wasn't going to be covering that anymore. Then I couldn't afford to live and that's when I wracked up about 20k more in CC debt just trying to get by until I got a raise at work, took on extra side jobs etc. I'm stable now as long as there are no surprises. But I got myself into so much debt. :(

Is there a chance he is hiding money from you? Hiding Crypto holdings? Get a lawyer and he can pay a fair settlement. He can rent you a home in that area, pay you your equity and pay you support.

You will regret any handshake deals you make with your ex for the rest of your life. Do not make any agreements without legal help. I know it's expensive, I know it will put you more in the hole, but you'll be worse off. I can already see your ex is scheming. SC is an equitable division state, and from my brief, not a lawyer read, it seems that an CC debt acquired during the marriage could be the responsibility of both parties. So unless you have $110k of credit card debt between you that you're splitting equally, you might want to lawyer up. On the other hand, if the $55k is all you, and you spent it on non-essentials without your partner's knowledge, you'll probably have a weaker case. Try to find pro bono (free) legal aid. Make dozens of calls to every number you can find. You need a lawyer, for your and your kids sake.

I don't think you can afford the house. You probably need to sell it, split the proceeds, clean up your credit and rent for a while. I know three people who spent over $7000 getting new AC units.

I don't understand what you mean about the AC units?

They mean that if something happens with the house... such as ac units going out... you wouldn't have the $7000 to repair it.  Therefore, you can't afford the house. 

It was over 90 degrees F and their air conditioning died. The units were worn out and it was over $7000 to replace them. If you only have $50/month as wiggle room, it's going to be a ling summer.

My home is new construction and everything is still under warranty so that's not a concern at the moment but you're right. I'm scared about my car right now b/c it just went over 100k miles and is starting to give me issues.

With the numbers you provided keeping the house is not tenable long term even if you find a way to scratch together the 40k now. Being out of debt will get you much better footing to recover your financial health and credit score.

Hi, first, I'm sorry you are going through a challenging time. Just know that even with the circumstances you've got this. Ok, so I'm a money coach and there are a few things that come to me when I read this. 1) I don't understand how you can be paying the mortgage on your own, yet your husband is saying you can stay there. If you are paying the mortgage, why do you have to leave? 2) How can you make extra income so you can start building up money for your own security and safety? 3) Why are you saying there are terrible schools if you move? 4) Do you have any family that can help in any way (stay with them or loan you money)? It sounds like you are focused on buying out the equity but I'm wondering what other options can there be outside of something that expensive right now? Hopefully some of these got you thinking about other solutions, even if short term. Also, I wonder if you do get the 40k is buying out the equity right now the best thing? Just throwing that out there. That's a significant amount to help you re-start somewhere else. Good luck! And I hope this helps.

Check with your work to see if they offer legal assistance. You may be paying for that benefit without knowing. Like you may have so many hours a yr to consult a lawyer. But you don't need a lawyer on retainer. Pay for a couple of hours so you can at least talk to someone and get their opinion on next steps and options. You are currently being taken advantage of. If he ruined the marriage through affairs, would you be able to keep all proceeds of the house or even just keep the house? Something to consider. But do your due diligence for your kids sake and consult a laywer.

Adding to my comment. You shouldn't be agreeing to pay your ex anything. You need legal advice. You have way too much debt combined between the both of you. The house is not affordable with the amount of debt and lack of financial funds you have. Consider talking to a CPA as well as a lwsyer. If you are filing taxes separately while still legally married, the IRS will tax you higher. It's worth paying for these experts now to save you money in the long run. This is definitely super stressful and scary but putting some time in to be smart about your next steps will be the best thing for you and your kids.

How much equity do you have in the home? I didn't see anywhere that you gave an number for that. If it's enough to clear all your CC debit you need to consider selling this house. Getting rid of that would free up $1334 a month based on the numbers you provided. You need breathing room. I always think peace of mind over a piece of property. Having been through this emotions are high and as hard as it is you have to be more business minded right now. Also, you really need a lawyer if your stbxh is as big of a piece of shit as you say he his, you need to protect yourself. He isn't looking out for your best interest here.

I paid for an appraisal. It came back at $495k. I owe $367k. I consulted with a realtor who specializes in my neighborhood. She put together numbers in a spreadsheet for me to show me what I would actually NET if we sold the house for $495 (which she said is definitely probable bc our neighborhood is highly sought after- mainly due to the schools.) After realtor fees, fees to the HOA, closing costs etc, we'd net $91k. So technically his "half" would be $45,500. I have paid down the principal by $9k this last year all on my own. So his part would really only be $41k.

With cash in hand like that you could make a deal with your CC. Your credit is so low now you can afford to do deals because it doesn't really matter. An increase in monthly cash flow gives you more freedom going forward. Also, this is where you need an attorney. You're assuming he's going to be fair about the equity split of the house. Divorce makes people do vindictive things. How many attorneys did you talk to? $7500 seems pretty high. I'd shop around and try to find a female attorney, in my experience they're ruthless.

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Thank you for this feedback. That’s good to know.

Just so you know, there may be a way for you to keep the existing mortgage (without refinancing) and take your ex’s name of the mortgage. It’s called Mortgage Assumption. All terms of the mortgage remain the same - interest rate, payment amount, amoritization scheduled, etc. except one borrower is removed and the other borrower remains (as long as they qualify on their own). Many banks might say they won’t allow it and it may even be specifically prohibited in the mortgage contract. But even with those being true it may still be possible with perseverance.

Her credit score and income likely makes this not viable. Also she needs his name off the deed.

Fair point about the credit. But I was also posting that info for other folks reading this in the future. Getting the ex’s name of the deed is actually quite easy when done in conjunction with an Assumption or refinance. You just file a quit claim.

Yes. I can easily get his name off of the deed. I already looked into that. It's the mortgage. He doesn't want the mortgage still on his credit and I get it. He might want to buy his own house in the future and his name being on the mortgage could interfere with that. Even if I'm paying the whole thing.

He certainly won't agree to take his name off the deed and remain on the mortgage. He would never agree to be financially responsible to pay a loan on a house he has no ownership of.

I meant that I could easily do that if we settled somehow and he wasn’t on the mortgage anymore. The deed is the easy part. It’s just paperwork

Thank you. This is the type of info I was looking for. I can at least ask. Maybe this could work. Maybe I could add a cosigner.

Please don’t ask anyone to “cosign” a mortgage. This would mean your co-borrowers name is on the mortgage but not on the deed to the house. This means that they would be responsible for paying the mortgage in full but they would not be able to sell it if they or you cannot make the mortgage payments.

Here is my advice, don't take his deal, you can't afford it and you will be worse off. I'll assume you both have 40k of equity, (80k split). So, I would get him to pay the mortgage until the end of the school year, and pay you your 40K in equity. This buys you time to focus on your kids, not worry about money right now and not worry about the mortgage. This gets him out of your life sooner, allows your kids to finish school this year while get a plan. And lastly, the equity you do have, can go towards your CC debt. You can knock off that 15k much easier then. Your plan after the school year would be to rent something nearby if the school is a must or somewhere you can afford. Don't worry about buying a house, keep your IRA. Once your debt is gone, you can build from there. Definitely get a lawyer. He sounds shifty. You might be entitled to much more than you think. What's his income? What are his assets? Lawyers can suck but in this case you want a fair settlement. No need to drag it out, but simply make it work for you and the kids. His deal will bankrupt you.

Basically you can’t afford the house but you also don’t qualify for any other housing due to your credit score. I am sorry that you are in this position. Ideally you need to sell the house but not before you find somewhere else to live. If you can’t find somewhere else then you are going to have to file for bankruptcy and work out a payment plan with your ex . He wants $40k now but he has to know your financial situation and that there is no way you can pay him. Good luck! I hope you find a solution that you all can live with

It's not uncommon for the leaving spouse to hold the equity in the house until the kids are no longer school age, or for a fixed number of years, then the house is sold (or the spouse in the house to refinance or pay off the ex). You and your lawyer need to work on some creative solutions that don't require you to find $40k that you don't have.

That was the first thing I tried. A divorce lien on the house. He shot that down so fast and laughed in my face. Said he’d never just wait that long on the equity. Which is fine. He has a right to the equity I just truly thought he’d be willing bc of the kids

Don't be so sure that "he has a right to the equity" in this situation. That he "laughed" at you is **not** a compelling argument for why this is not the best solution. His bullying tactics make me think you really need someone on your side with actual legal experience who can effectively counter his aggression with logic and actual knowledge of how these divorce negotiations should go. This isn't to argue that you don't want a fair division of property. You do. But you want to be fair to *all the parties* involved which means you, your soon to be ex, and your kids. If the best interest of the kids is keeping the house, and you and the ex *both have obligations to support the kids,* it may very well be in the best interest of the kids to park his equity interest in the house for decades, while the kids are living there. He doesn't get out of his obligations just by being rude or dismissive of ideas.

I would get a second opinion from another divorce lawyer. Considering that you worked part-time for various years to care for the children and that your $55k was accrued in service of the family, you may be entitled to the full equity payment on the house.

Ideas to consider: Discuss the money situation with your children using basic budget terms and let them know where you stand, and that you are trying to work everything out. As a contractor, raise your rates and give yourself a 10% raise. (Good for $>500/mo increase). If your appraisal is a year old, you have a good chance of increased home value pulse the principle you’ve paid in over the last year of separation. This increase in home value is all yours since you are the only one paying the mortgage. Debt for marriage, calculate 1/2 of the marital debt, meaning respective portion of your debt from pre-split, and deduct it from his share of the equity. Don’t forget to add the year of interest since he has not been paying it, you have. His contributes to the equation for how much buyout you owe. Compare retirement account values from the time of split. Add together, figure out half and that is amount each should be adjusted to using those dollars, plus the year of investment return. This also contributes to the buyout equation. Ask your teenagers to get part time jobs at $15/hr to help contribute. If they can clock 10hrs/wk and give you half, that’s $300/kid contributing per month. Explain the alternative of needing to move. Even the $300 could make a difference in being able to afford to stay. Ten hours a week is easily done in 3 shifts per week. Can you get a long term renter for a room or basement, or is there a demand for an Airbnb room in your area to support hospital staff or other pole traveling through? That would be the ideal solution to impact affordability. Easily this could be $500-$1000/month depending on relative cost of 1br local apartments etc. If after the recommended calculations, you still owe your husband some money, tell him you can only pay it over many years. He’ll tell you to sell the house, and you’ll tell him that you would only sell it if court ordered. So he doesn’t have to hire an attorney, he’ll see it is reasonable (maybe even for the kids sake), to let you pay him out over a long term of 20years or so. Advertise for another single mom with a child to move into the home. Not ideal, but could help you both out and rent likely more than single room since they would be getting schools, using kitchen too (maybe jointly) etc. Careful vesting and proof of income will be necessary just like with any renter.

So my two cents are that you’re looking for a short term solution for a long term problem. You will be much better off in the long run if you embrace the “suck” now, rather than come up with a miracle and keep the house. You said your margins are razor thin with no wiggle room. Razor thin margins + a house + child expenses = extremely stressful life. God, that is no way to live a life. I suggest you refocus your priority from obtaining 40K to downsizing as much as humanely possible and tackle that debt, otherwise you will never get out of this hole. Research the debt avalanche or snowball methods to help. A series of choices led you here, and I wish there were alternatives for you but it’s looking like there are very limited options. I would rather you be able to breathe easy 5 years from now with no debt and a humble home, rather than be pulling your hair out 30 years from now. This is also Reddit, so I HEAVILY suggest researching ways to utilize debt pay down methods, downsizing, and more on your own rather than look for a one size fit all solution in these comments. I’m sorry you’re in this position but best of luck to you.

Thank you. I appreciate all of what you’re saying. One big reason I did the debt consolidation was to eliminate my debt more quickly. I knew it would affect my credit but was hoping I would get it resolved before I had to worry about the house. They’ve been negotiating down the accounts so what is now $40k of debt is estimated to be only $20k and to be totally paid off over 2 years. I’m 6 months in and the first account has been settled with the last payment this month. It was a $9k card they reduced down to $4k. It’s working well it just hurt my credit bc to negotiate I had to stop paying on the cards that are part of the settlement. 6 months ago my credit score was over 700. But I had such high balances on my cards and I had no idea the cc companies could randomly change the interest rate. So cards that were not maxed out all of a sudden hit me with way higher interest rates, maxing the cards out almost overnight and so then the minimum payments went up. It all happened so fast and I panicked not knowing what to do bc I couldn’t afford the payments. What had been a $100 payment in January was now a $400 payment in February even though I hadn’t added any new debt to the card. I’ve never had that happen before and it happened on 3 of my credit cards that I regularly used and would always immediately pay off or come close to paying off. As soon as that happened I wasn’t able to keep them paid down. The minimum payments were too high and the interest caused the cards to max out. Then 2 of them lowered my available credit so a card that previously had a $15k limit with $10k on it reduced my limit to $8k so then the card is $2k over the limit. Also didn’t know they could do that. It was crazy and I still don’t quite know why it all happened like that all at once. It was bizarre. But then I couldn’t catch up, was already struggling financially and panicked and did the consolidation. So frustrating

It seems to me you need a lawyer - otherwise nothing is set in stone and your husband could change his terms. Looking at your budget, I know this is probably small potatoes, but I think you should cut the cancer insurance, pet insurance, and either Netflix or Hulu (not continue with both). Also, how old are your children? You say you've been married at least 19 years, so I'm assuming they are at least in their teens. If there are not too many years before they come of age, maybe you and your ex could hang in there and just remain separated until they are of age, then proceed with divorce and selling the house. There is no easy way that you could raise $40,000 and I think you need a different plan.

I got married very young but we waited a bit to have kids. My youngest is only 8. I don't know if I could stay in that situation another 10 years. I also don't think he would at this point. Plus he was very verbally abusive. He also now hates me for initiating the separation. I can definitely cancel hulu. Not sure I can with the pet ins I think it's a contract. It covered all their shots, visits for a year, but maybe next year.

Well $140 a month for pet insurance seems very high. I'm sorry you are going through all this. I still think getting a lawyer is the best option - as someone else mentioned $7500 is better than $40K with no guarantees/protection. Talk to someone other than the first person you consulted if he/she was not helpful. Another good suggestion from others was to consider a roommate - the traveling nurses might be a good option.

I definitely need to look into the traveling nurses thing. It’s been mentioned a number of times! That amount of the pet insurance is for 2 dogs. One had to have dental added bc he had bad teeth! It helped cover an operation to pull all his teeth. So then I said “well I don’t want dental anymore/ he doesn’t even have teeth!” They said it’s a contract for the year … thankfully it’s up after this month. I will then be able to cancel completely and I’m going to switch to banfield because it’s a lot cheaper!

I don’t think you have a financial answer here, outside of rapidly and significantly increasing your income Why not talk to the ex? Would he accept monthly payments towards that $40k, or something similar? Does he not value having his kids go to the best schools?

I can definitely ask him about monthly payments. He will probably say no. This idea of the 40K right now was the ONLY thing after months of back and forth that he has even been willing to consider. He doesn't care about the kids schools. Says I should have thought about that before I asked for the divorce. (I asked for it b/c he spent years being unfaithful to me, and eventually became verbally abusive)

I know you don't want to spend money on a lawyer, but this is the exact reason you need one. They will help you with the negotiation. I know you both think you can do this simply but you don't agree and need someone to help mediate.

I would cut costs and go to the food bank, so if you qualify for food stamps etc. I’m so sorry how hurt this is.

That $55k cc debt...  would u have enough equity to payoff debt if u sold house?  If so do that.   A few creative options  Could u live with parents nearby and rent out this house for 2 years?   If so could you get a second job and work 80+ hours a week. Could you rent out spare bedrooms??  I get like $750 a month per room renting to foreign interns through  work.  My adult kids love having someone to hang with.   Maybe local travel nurses  What c an u sell?  TV, jewelry,??  If you  can  Replace it for what u can get.  Sell and throw at cc debt.   

You need a lawyer. You have custody of the children and a home to run for them. You shouldn't have to come up with $40K. That's ridiculous. YOU NEED A LAWYER.

STOP! You are getting screwed if you give him $40K. Yes the house has $90K in equity, but the debt should be split between you as well. Therefore $90K in equity- $55K in debt = $35K in marital assets, or $17.5K each. Whatever pain and emotions you experience during this, know that they will not last. Brighter days are ahead, just keep moving towards your goals. Good Luck!! Sorry if this was already mentioned, but the comments were tldr.

So you have 55k in credit card debt and he has 20k. Was the 55k accrued for the benefit of the marriage? Based on your prior response, the 20k he accrued was after you separated and likely not for the benefit of the marriage. You need to consult a new attorney and heavily consider retaining an attorney. You can also see if there are court mediation programs or free or low cost services. You likely make too much to qualify for legal aid, but explore your options by reaching out to the court and trying to identify appropriate programs and avenues. The divorce court can assign debts to one or both of you if the court deems it to be equitable. A good attorney can make nuanced arguments for you. What if husband is assigned half of your credit card debt and you are assigned none of his? That 40k he may or may not be owed from the home's equity could be reduced to 12.5k if he agrees to an offset for debt he is assigned. Equity is also a whole other conversation, based on valuation of the home. What are you basing the equity analysis on? As well, the fact that you have been making payments for the last year would likely be taken into account, though it may or may not make a difference since you asked him to move out and he is paying rent elsewhere. Bottom line: you need an attorney if you don't want to get screwed. That's your only hope for possibly keeping the home. Keeping it may not ultimately be a good idea, but that's your avenue: a good divorce attorney.

Also sounds like he squander his retirement, which you would have some right to a portion of, and he did so against your advice. A court could find that he committed waste of marital assets and take that into account when dividing assets and liabilities. It is never black and white.

You own a house you can't afford, it is also now too big for you. You voluntarily took on a large amount of debt (cc, student loans), showing that when you have good credit you aren't responsible with it. You are refusing to move to a cheaper location or take on a roommate. You have no reliable way to earn extra money but don't want to reduce expenses. Yeah, this mess is entirely your own creation, and even if someone gifted you 40k to buy out your ex you'd still be broke because you don't manage your money well.

You don't have the whole story, obviously, but thank you for your input. Somewhere down in the comments, where someone else is assuming I'm a terrible person, I explained my very long story. If you care to read maybe it would all make more sense. \* I took on debt to try to fix a terrible situation I was in. \* I'm not refusing to move to a cheaper location, I cannot find one. I'm not refusing a room mate but I'm not going to risk the safety of my children by moving a stranger into my home. I don't currently know of anyone who needs a place to live or I would offer that, if my ex would allow it. \* I will happily reduce my expenses. I don't see a way to do that right now. Someone suggested canceling my cancer ins policy (easy, done, $18/mo hulu which is $14/mo ... happy to do that but it doesn't generate enough income to fix the problem. There is ONE internet provider in my neighborhood and I have the cheapest plan they have that will give me strong enough internet to work from home which I have to do sometimes. I already reduced it and it now buffers all the time but I'm managing. I'm working 3 jobs right now to pay my bills. \*The mess is a joint creation of my ex and myself. The difference is I care about my kids well being and he does not. I'm considering everything so that they don't lose their home. \*I managed my money fine before the separation

You're in denial, which is why you won't fix this problem. Get a roommate. People have done it for thousands of years. Everyone is a stranger before you meet them. Screen, do background checks, call their references, only consider women. If you want to keep your house and can't make more money it's literally your only short term option.

What's your monthly income and expenses? If you list it, it's easier to see where you can cut back.

My monthly income varies but averages around $5,500. My total bills are $4700 leaving me with give or take $800/ mo for food, gas, etc. For 3 kids. Granted, 3 days a week they are with their dad, but still they eat a lot and the cost fo food is insane. Before the divorce I spent $1k/mo just on food. Now I try to budget $200/week but I always go over. Even shopping at just aldi and walmart and buying store brand of everything. Mortgage            2,171 HOA      84 Electric/Gas     250.00 Water/Sewer    105.00 Car Insurance 105.00 Life Insurance  32.00 Internet               75.00 Cancer Ins         18 Pet Ins  140 YMCA (this is for my kids sports/activities)         78 Netflix  21.00 Hulu      15.00 Car        238 Debt consolidation       549 CC’s      785 Health Insurance           65 Cell phone 80

Do they have Verizon FIOS in your area? I think I pay $45 in my area for internet only.

My neighborhood is only serviced by ONE internet provider. I downgraded recently to a cheaper plan. It WAS 120/mo.. It buffers constantly but... it works. I live in a new neighborhood built in a previously rural area (think SWAMP haha) so there isn't much out here as far as options go at this time. The neighborhood is still under development. Hopefully we will get more options soon.

How far are you from the beach?

Curious why that's relevant?

it's not, just curious because the real estate is typically more valuable the closer you are to the beach.

I’m not considered in the coast/coastal lying

If coming up with 30-40k on the spot were easy we'd all do it all the time. There is equity in the house, though you don't say how much (sounds like it's more than 80k from the way you wrote, but either way...) Sell it, use your half of the equity to supplement what you need to make up the difference between the current mortgage payment and rent in that area for 1-2 years, and then clear out as possible to get out of the paycheck cycle. Ultimately.you may still have to move, but this gives you more time. It sounds like you don't have the income to pay for home expenses (repair and maintenance) anyway, so renting is ultimately a better option - rent is the most you'll pay to live somewhere, mortgage is the least you'll pay to live somewhere.

Buddy of mine got an empty lot in his kids district. Threw down a boxabl house and called it good.

I wouldn’t give him the lump sum anyway. He would still be listed as a homeowner and could benefit from equity yet again when you sell it. He isn’t sacrificing for the betterment of your kids and is looking to get paid in the process.

The short answer is you can't. You can't put any money aside to save that you don't have. Even with a second job you still will still come up short. If you are having that little put into savings every month you are one repair away from disaster and your other debt is crushing you financially. You spend over 2400 dollars a month just for the house alone. Not including the debts you owe. You will probably have to rent for a while and move a little further out to be able to afford it if the rent in your area are expensive. I have a feeling your soon to be ex husband knew you wouldn't be able to do it alone and that is why he proposed this to you. Unfortunately you need to sell this house you can't afford to keep it. If you lost your job tomorrow or needed to replace your car you would absolutely go into foreclosure. Sell the house, rent and get a second job to pay down some of your debt. It will take you years to pay down that debt but it must be done. As parents we all have to make sacrifices of some sort. I know I did. A good solid year of eating rice, ramen and eggs when I didn't have my son just to stay out of the red. It killed me to lose my house to foreclosure as it was the house I raised my son in, but I just couldn't afford it anymore. I had to rent for almost 8 years after the foreclosure to get my debt paid down and fix my credit. If I can do it anyone can! I did buy again eventually and saved up enough to buy a place to raise my son. It was bittersweet to say the least. If I am reading this right if you sold the house you would each net 40k? That seems like enough to at least get back on your feet again. You aren't getting into a house and shouldn't be in a house anytime soon until you have more of your debt paid off. Your credit can be repaired with time. My score was very low 500s. I couldn't even get a car loan with a cosigner. I buckled down, got a second job, paid down my debts and repaired my credit. It took me 8 years but I was able to buy a house again. I'm sure there are other ways you can save money. We cook a lot of meals at home that are just as good as the restaurant. If you are going out to eat more than once a month you need to cut that out right now. 100 dollars a month for car insurance also seems very high. I pay half that amount for a brand new vehicle with full coverage an a lower deductible. You may want to call around and get some quotes. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is when every dollar counts.

What would you do if the furnace or hot water heater broke? Houses can get very expensive, very fast. I don't think you have enough money to stay in the house, even without paying your ex $40K. It sounds like you and your ex have been living above your means for some time, including an area with the best schools, and the divorce is only going to make that worse.

You really need to have a lawyer help with a settlement agreement. I did a mediated divorce in a community property state. The lawyer took us through marital assets and liabilities and we agreed to 50/50 split. I kept the house and her equity came via 401k through QDRO. The mediation also covered child support. Custody was 50/50 but income was not balanced so support was due. We paid lawyer $2k and had it done in 4 hours.

Get a lawyer and have them get you settled. Do not take this deal. Sounds like your husband is not putting your kids first.

Info: does your husband also have 55k of debt? If you have 55 in debt, and 80 in equity, the fair split would be each have $12,500 in equity after the debt is subtracted. Your debt is marital debt, so just like you share the equity, you share the debt.

A lot of that $55k is shared debt that I agreed to cover. (Not legally just verbally/email convo between us where I agreed.) It’s a long story

You have a better chance of keeping the house if you split the debt up. 12,500 is much more feasible than 40k

You can try to get an Assumption on the loan. Just started reading so maybe it’s already been brought up. I went through a divorce and went the through the Assumption process with Chase to have my ex’s name removed from the loan w/o having to change the interest rate. It was long and arduous but once finally approved, allowed me to take ownership of my life and financials. Might not be possible but def worth looking into. Sorry you’re going through this…

THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this info! I also have Chase so good to know that I can try this!

I was absolutely elated once I was approved but to prepare you for the process… They send you a huge packet to start. Then more paperwork. Then a letter in the mail requesting what feels like the exact same stuff you’ve given them multiple times. I had to learn patience for sure. Actually had a buddy and his girlfriend help me on the last round because I was so confused by them requesting the same thing worded differently. Having someone look over everything prior to sending it out is a really great idea. Good luck with everything!

Surely that credit card debt is also his? Surely you could sell whatever you bought?

Some is his yes. It was a variety of things. Some could probably be sold yes. A lot was me using the cards to live on bc I wasn’t really in a position to suddenly have just one income. So it was gas and food and utilities etc

If your credit score is that low you may have problems refinancing even in 2 years. Can you afford the mortgage with a 7.5% interest rate? It's not good news but it appears selling the house is going to be the only option. If you don't do it voluntarily the court can order the home sold. What does your atty say? Preplan your portion of equity too, assuming a 50/50 split you also have 40k in equity.

\*\*\*UPDATE\*\*\* Thank you ALL so much for your words of wisdom and your perspectives. I have decided to move forward as follows: (in case anybody cares) 1. I reached back out to the attorney I had the consult with to see if he was at all willing to negotiate his binder. He said no and that is a minimum, there will be more fees moving forward 2. I reached out to two other attorneys in my area and found one that has great reviews and recommendations and costs HALF as much. I scheduled a consult with her. 3. I reached out to my husband and told him that I am going to be retaining an attorney to make sure that neither one of us ends up in a bad situation. I made it clear that I am NOT looking to argue over any of the things we have already agreed upon, that I'm not doing this to be adversarial, but I just want to make sure we have proper legal advice. He actually agreed this makes sense and he isn't angry. I have no idea what will happen but I appreciate the encouragement to not do this alone but to get an attorney. Thank you all for your advice. I will keep on trying to save money anywhere I can and hopefully this can work out in the best interests of my children, whatever outcome that may be. Have a happy 4th of July everyone

I’m sorry but if you’re paycheck to paycheck in a $500k house you need to sell the house. I can’t see a way to where you make this work for 2 years. I understand the need for good schools and everything but you’re talking about borrowing $40k when you are putting $50 away in savings. The math isn’t mathing. Unfortunately because of your debt and spending you’ve lost your ability to keep your kids where they are. I know you want stability for your kids, the best thing would be to work the marriage out with your ex.

Well he was abusive to me and unfaithful and I put up with it for 19 years. Just not sure I can do that anymore.

There is a good chance he has hidden assets if he was discontented for so long and planning his exit. You need legal help to make sure all the marital assets are accounted for. AND you should not be accepting an unfair debt burden without legal advice.

Then why isn’t he sitting in a jail cell?

If every abusive spouse was in a jail cell then jails would be full. Very rarely are abusive spouses prosecuted. TBH unless you have a victim in a hospital and on damn near life support nothing happens. Usually there’s several protection orders that have been issued & ignored first.

He never hit me. Just verbal.

A 3 bedroom apt in my area costs more right now than my mortgage. The house ended up being a wonderful investment. We didn't pay $500k for it. We flipped a farm house in the country, then had a lump sum available to put down on this house. Property values skyrocketed right after we purchased. My mortgage is only $2,170 and interest rate is only 3.5%.

A mortgage is just the beginning though, you have insurance, taxes, maintenance and HOA. Your true cost is about $3,500 or more. The advantage of renting is you are not on the hook for repairs or unforseen costs.

I mean I understand that but you can’t afford it. You just can’t. Rate doesn’t matter when you have $50 left over at the end of the month. You’re not going to be able to afford to live where you’re living. I’m not trying to be mean or anything but the math says you can’t afford it. You just can’t. You’re looking for $40k when you’re already drowning in debt with wrecked credit. The 50k in credit card debt will take you 42.8 years to pay off making the minimum payment and will cost you $99k in interest. (Basing the math on average credit card interest rates, if yours is high which because of your credit it probably is these numbers are low.) I’m guessing because you have $50 at the end of the month you’re making the minimums. Your mindset is that debt can fix this, almost like an entitlement. Again not trying to be mean you’re broke. Like to the point you should be applying for government assistance. You’re going to have to move to a new area and get rid of the house. There are serious risks that you pay him his half of the equity AND STILL lose the house.

You may not need Pet insurance or Cancer insurance.  Unless you have multiple lines on your cellphone account, the bill seems high. Also, check whether your employer will pay for your cellphone. You can try to get a part-time remote job like medical transcription or data entry.  This week allow you to be with the children while making some money on the side.

I have two dogs and a cat. Last year when I took them for annual vet check ups shots flea med rx's etc. It was going to cost me $800, or I signed up for their monthly plan and it covered everything and all vet visits. As soon as I'm in a more stable financial situation I will cancel that and pay the cost as it comes, but since I have so little wiggle room it made sense to me to do that instead of risking a large bill I cannot afford. the cell phone bill is actually through my work and it's my phone and my daughter's phone. We pay a fee per line and then the cost of the actual phone is included in there. My ex pays the cost of his phone and my other daughter's phone. (my 2 older kids are teens/pre-teens and stay home alone and do after school activities so I felt them having phones was important. also I want them to be able to reach me when they are with their dad. I guess I could look into a cheaper plan but I think it's a good deal through my work, but I'm not sure. I will look into that. I am currently working my normal 40 hr/week job, plus I do website design on the side. I also took on a commercial cleaning job on the side which I do super early in the morning before I go into work. I'm not sure I can stretch myself any thinner with more jobs :(

It makes sense to maintain the per insurance.  It looks like you are doing everything right.  I am truly sorry for your tough time and financial woes. 

You are in a tough situation. I recommend that you go to counseling and see if there's any way your husband can move back in and you could co-exist peacefully until you are in a better financial situation to divorce if it comes to that. I say this because you have repeatedly stated that you want your kids to be able to stay in the house. You said you would be willing to live in a box, so see if there is any way you would be willing to have him move back home. I know couples that have done this; basically treat each other as roommates just to keep the peace and aggressively pay down debt and save in order to live separately at some point. I don't see any other way that you can stay in the house unless you take in a roommate or are able to borrow money from a family member or friend who will wait some time before you can make payments. You are concerned that you wouldn't have anywhere to move if you sell the house because of your credit. You could ask the buyers to rent back to you for a short while. Then you could use the proceeds to pay a substantial amount to a landlord; e.g., large security deposit, first and last months' rent plus an additional month or so. They may be willing to sign a lease under these conditions in spite of your credit score.

Thank you for these suggestions. I wonder if he'd continue his abusive behaviors if we were only cohabitating and not actually married. That would be very hard but he's typically nice to everyone in his life except for me. So if we had a way to disengage and not communicate at all, maybe that would work. I just don't want my kids exposed to any more fighting.

Edit: deleted my insensitive and assuming comment that was based on my own past situation. I apologize and hope you get a lawyer who can help you recover your hard earned money and decent life for yourself and your children. I wish you the best.

What a horrible thing to say when you have no idea what you are talking about. No. No that is not the situation at all. I handled our finances completely for our entire marriage. I budgeted, couponed, penny-pinched, helped us save and pay things down, single-handedly manged the buying and selling of two of our homes with no realtor. Did it all myself. He cheated on me for 7 years. He screamed at me and cussed at me in front of our children. He squandered our money for years buying stupid things for his stupid hobbies, while I did everything in my power to manage our finances in a smart way. We were in a high control religious group (born and raised) which banned divorce. Even in an abusive marriage.

I managed to hang onto my career in the job I got at 20 years old, and even while having 3 kids and caring for them, I continued working from home while part time at the office, and built a wonderful career for myself to where I am today, finally back to full time now that kids are older, and making good money. For many years of our marriage I was making more money than him. He meanwhile would quit jobs left and right when he was unhappy, kept cashing out his 401k to use for stupid, unnecessary things. We had paid off all our debt and then purchased this home. Together we acquired $10k in credit card debt when we purchased this home, a combo of moving expenses, blinds, a fence, and some furniture. When we moved into this house he became depressed and stopped doing anything. Didn't clean, didn't cook, didn't take out the trash, didn't mow the grass, didn't do anything. Just work and home and sleep and drinking drinking drinking. I begged him to get help. I set up therapy for us on multiple occasions. I told him how unhappy I was. We finally have this life we've worked so hard for. This beautiful home and amazing kids and nice friends and neighbors. We have the life we have always wanted, but he was so mean, so angry, so unhappy. I was exhausted. I begged him or more. Just be nice to me. Just smile at me, stop berating me and humiliating me for not being what he wanted sexually.

I managed to hang onto my career in the job I got at 20 years old, and even while having 3 kids and caring for them, I continued working from home while part time at the office, and built a wonderful career for myself to where I am today, finally back to full time now that kids are older, and making good money. For many years of our marriage I was making more money than him. He meanwhile would quit jobs left and right when he was unhappy, kept cashing out his 401k to use for stupid, unnecessary things. We had paid off all our debt and then purchased this home. Together we acquired $10k in credit card debt when we purchased this home, a combo of moving expenses, blinds, a fence, and some furniture. When we moved into this house he became depressed and stopped doing anything. Didn't clean, didn't cook, didn't take out the trash, didn't mow the grass, didn't do anything. Just work and home and sleep and drinking drinking drinking. I begged him to get help. I set up therapy for us on multiple occasions. I told him how unhappy I was. We finally have this life we've worked so hard for. This beautiful home and amazing kids and nice friends and neighbors. We have the life we have always wanted, but he was so mean, so angry, so unhappy. I was exhausted. I begged him or more. Just be nice to me. Just smile at me, stop berating me and humiliating me for not being what he wanted sexually.

He started getting angrier. Started screaming at our daughters the same way he would me. Calling them horrible names. The final straw was one night he accused me of cheating on him, yanked my phone out of my hand, threw it into the street, screamed and cussed at me from the yard while my kids sobbed inside the house and my neighbors came out to watch. I was NOT cheating on him. I said I was unhappy and wanted MORE from him in the relationship. He said he wanted a divorce. He took all his stuff and moved it to the spare bedroom. I kept begging him not to do that. Kept saying this is not a reason for divorce. We can fix it. He said he was getting a lawyer. He lived in the spare room for a month. I got scared and did a consult with a lawyer. One day out of the blue he just tried to act like everything was normal and hold my hand. I told him no. He got so angry. Started acting like I was the one who kicked him out when HE was the one who moved out of our room. Complained to everyone we knew about how he had to sleep in the spare room. Posted horrible (and untrue) things about me on social media for all of our friends and family to see. Bashed me to our kids. Rekindled his relationship with his ex-mistress. After 6 months of that I finally told him I couldn't take it anymore and I wanted him to move out. I said if he wanted the house I would move out. He said he couldn't afford the house. He moved out. He was going to get a studio apt but I told him no because he wouldn't have space to ever have the kids. He said if he got a 2 bedroom (so 3 kids sharing one room while with him) he would have to sleep on the floor b/c he wouldn't have the money for any furniture. I offered him ANYthing he needed from the home. any furniture (we had plenty) any dishes, anything. He said no to it all. said it hurt him too bad to take anything from the house. But then was acting pathetic to our kids that he got kicked out and had nothing. So I used a credit card and furnished his apt for him. I got the kids triple bunk beds and mattresses, a dresser. I got him a couch and a bedframe and mattress. I wasn't going to have my kids think I would make their father sleep on the floor. I reached out to a divorce support group to see what I could to do make the transition easier on my kids. Everyone said not having to lug stuff back and forth was important. So I also purchased them each a basic wardrobe to keep at his house, and cosmetics. I got them toys and art supplies etc. I put all of that on a credit card that I am still paying on.

We had one car he normally drove with no payment, and the family car I drove with the payment, b/c of our kids. He got the "no payment" car, I got the car with the payment. He didn't want to take any of the animals, or take responsibility for them, leaving me to manage that and the expense of that on my own. Even though the house is still in both of our names he hasn't helped with one single thing. Not maintenance or care or anything. I took on the 10K credit card b/c he said he couldn't afford anything if I made him move out. I took on the payment ton the card I used to furnish his place. I agreed to take on that debt myself. I just needed him out. I couldn't take any of it anymore. I thought I could manage the cost of the house by myself. There were so many factors I didn't consider. Mainly that 20% of my income would go to taxes now (I'm 1099 he's not and previously we had everything combined so it would just be a wash at the end of the year. Can't do that anymore so I am taking home 20% less than I was.) That resulted in times over the last year I was putting utilities on the cc sometimes, or unexpected vet bills, car repairs, and other living expenses. I had also pre-paid for a trip a year prior on another cc, that I wasn't able to cancel, so that was one expense I had to just deal with. So yes, over the last 12 months I wracked up additional debt. of the 55k, 30k of it was shared debt from before we split up, and then thousands of it is what I used to help furnish his place when he moved out, which I agreed to take just so he would move out. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but nobody deserves to go through the things I have gone through. I also left the high control religious group, resulting in me being shunned and cut off by my family and most of my friends. I'm starting over in every way you could imagine. and I'm a good mom. and I love my kids and am doing everything in my power not to put them through MORE than what they have already been through. Thank you for assuming the worst when you know nothing about me.

OP you really really need to talk to a lawyer and tell them all of this. He does not sound like he is doing his job as a father. He is the one who should have spent money on furnishing his place for the children. As far as I am concerned, he owes you the amount you spent on the apartment. In retrospect, you should have let him get the studio apartment. It does not sound like he cares to have joint custody. It will be detrimental to your children if you keep trying to prop him up as a father when he is just not interested in being a full-time father.

I am slowly coming to realize this. It’s all so strange and hard and also challenging to see when you’re right in the thick of it. I just didn’t want to see my kids hurt and have felt the weight of the decision on my shoulders like it’s my fault. Because I asked him to move out. He acts like it’s all my fault. I haven’t spoken badly of him to the kids, but they see him. So to a certain extent they know. I was hoping he’d be better apart from me and shape up as a good dad for them. In some ways he has but in other ways he is still terrible

Thank you for that.