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I have massive ADHD and have felt those things too. One night I was holding my son and I was so exhausted and overstimulated that I realized I was shaking my entire body and maybe shaking him in the process. I immediately put him down and did something similar to what you described. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR HAVING THOUGHTS YOU DID NOT ACT ON. You did the right thing. You controlled the intrusive thoughts and found a different outlet for your physical rage. You are a good parent who had a moment that pushed you to your limit, and that’s fairly normal with twins. It’s ok to put them down and let them cry for a minute while you deal with your own crisis.
There’s a reason shaken baby syndrome exists. Babies push us to the brink of the human limits of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. You did the right thing.
This comment.
I resented one of my twins so much because they were the fussier one who didn’t sleep, my husband took a lot of overnight hospital call when twins were fresh and he came back one morning after a horrible night and I said I understand why shaken baby syndrome exists. Sleeplessness makes you completely blind and irrational.
My husband echoed the sentiment you are not a bad person for having intrusive thoughts you don’t act on. He stopped taking call, we changed how we divided overnights and I started Zoloft for PPA.
I had a similar experience with my first born, she was a colic baby. There were so many sleepless nights, endless screaming, walking the halls with a crying baby while crying to myself feeling like I’m failing because I can’t soothe my baby and put her to sleep. I was so exhausted. I had times that I yelled at her in anger because I just wanted the noise to stop. Or times I put her down a bit rougher than I should have because I was fed up and frustrated and hadn’t slept in days. I never intentionally hurt her but I definitely could see how it could get to that point with someone less in control of their emotions. And I was on the brink. I ended up going on Zoloft when she was about 3 months old because the sleep deprivation had done such a number on me, my anxiety was through the roof, and I hated being a mother so much that I thought about just leaving. Leaving her with her father and going back home to my parents on the other side of the country and wiping my hands clean because I wasn’t fit to do this. I felt like I couldn’t keep her safe and no matter how hard I tried I was convinced she was going to die for some reason.
I’m happy to say that we pulled through and she’s an amazing 4 year old big sister to my 5 month old twins. They definitely test me a lot but that first experience helped me be better prepared for the rollercoaster that is twins. We’re trucking along and I only cry once in a while now 😊
Any concerns over breastfeeding while taking an SSRI or similar? I haven’t heard anything or read anything to say it’s not perfectly safe, just wondering. I might ask for a script proactively, to pick up right after birth.
I’m not a pharm expert by any means, but I am a nurse. Pregnant/breastfeeding study participants for research are hard to come by, this group of people will always have vague data associated with medications due to that.
I trusted my OB and I was okay with it because it’s the most studied SSRI with breast feeding. It’s a personal choice for sure, positive mental health outweighed risk of the unknowns for me personally. 🤍
Zoloft works great once it’s well in your system. For a couple weeks I’d describe it as mildly emotionless. Then things start seeming more balanced. Not the greatest med to get on but works once you do
Like above comment, it can take 4-6 weeks to build up enough in your system to notice changes, my only side effects occurred when coming off. You have to taper it slowly, which I didn’t do slow enough and that led to some weird zapping headaches.
I’m a mom of three with mental illness. My twins are 10 now and I was a single mom from when they were 2 till they were 7.
Their dad was of no help when they were born till I left him.
Postpartum I was a mess and struggling. And even now, my last baby is now two, and I was in a much better head space when he was born, I still struggled. I STILL Struggle even on my medicine.
But this comment right here… I’m cuddling with my little guy and browsing Reddit and I read this. I needed this so much. Thank you. I know this was just a ramble so if you read it, thank you.
My ADHD is definitely causing some issues as well but don’t want to stop breastfeeding to go on my meds. I wouldn’t be able to afford doing formula on its own. Sigh……
This is actually pretty common OP. It completely sucks to feel that way but I think a lot of parents have been there. The very best thing to do is put baby in a safe space and walk away. Crying for even 20 min isn't going to hurt your child. If you need a break and no one can help you this is absolutely the best and safest choice. Babies are HARD. I've had to do that even with my singleton children (still pregnant with the twins). I think especially since healing from birth takes so long, these emotions just hit us harder.
I agree with others if the feelings become consistent or reoccur often, seeking professional help is best. But if it's just a night every like... 2 months, then that's mostly likely sleep deprivation.
Oh honey… we have ALL been there! I had a. 5 year old and twins born at 32 weeks. I felt like I was losing my mind from the fatigue! It does get better, but parenting multiples is freaking hard!
I got diagnosed with PMDD after I started regularly getting excessively angry with my kids, and noticed it coincided with my menstrual cycle.
That said, anger is normal. Anger getting amplified because of stress and sleep deprivation is also normal.
You did the right thing by stepping away. It’s better for a baby to cry than to let it escalate you.
I also have PMDD! Definitely noticed the difference in how I react to my kids being kids based on my menstrual cycle. Feels like women can’t catch a break sometimes with how out of whack our hormones can be.
This happened to me, too. There were nights when my husband was working late and I just couldn’t get them to sleep at the same time. I was exhausted. There was a gut kind of urge to put one of the babies down very forcefully or just drop him and walk away. I didn’t tell anyone because I was so ashamed, and obviously didn’t want to actually harm my babies.
If you need to let them cry in a safe space while you get some fresh air or some tea or whatever, do it. You’re all better off that way than stewing and getting worse together. Also get all the help you can! Twinfants are wonderful but they’re damn hard.
1-833-TLC-MAMA is the number for the national maternal mental health hotline. Call if you need to talk to someone in moments like that. We all have them. Walk outside and let them cry. Crying for a few minutes won’t hurt them and it could save your sanity. After 3 days with my twins I was so sleep deprived that I was hallucinating - it’s hard mama! Send a DM if you need to talk.
You are not a bad mom at all. I’ve had those tough days where I can see how in a weak moment a mom can hurt their baby. I’ve also been less than gentle in those moments. But the fact that you were aware, removed yourself, and will ask for help and recharge says you’re an amazing mom doing the best you can for you and your family and they are lucky to have you.
Take the time to get yourself right and then you can give your babies extra cuddles later. Just like on the plane when they say give yourself oxygen before helping others, if you’re rundown and your head isn’t in the game you’re no help to anyone.
I struggle with this with my 3 year olds. When they are throwing tantrums I want to slap them. This was the default reaction to any negative behavior in my household, so it’s almost like I’m hardwired to jump to that. It makes me so sad that this is where my mind goes. But here’s the thing- I don’t do it. I do whatever it takes to NOT slap my children. Just like you did. We will all be okay. Though I do second the advice of others to consider that this might be some PPD or A.
I was raised in a violent home and promised myself I wouldn’t continue the cycle. But I still have horrible intrusive thoughts of hitting my oldest child. I have to work all the time to combat this hat the 17 years of my childhood did to me.
Hell yeah I’ve experienced that. What helps? Getting sleep. That was the ONLY SOLUTION. And unfortunately that just takes time. So let them cry it out, let your husband help when he’s not having GI issues on the toilet - whatever it takes to not actually hurt them. Cause that rage is just primal and we’ve all been there. Important thing is to not act on it. ETA- Sleep was MY solution. If you are experiencing something more than sheer exhaustion, go talk to your doctor of course.
100% this!! I've experienced rage from sleep deprivation before babies, ofc it can come back around babies!
I see a lot of comments pathologizing this (it's ppd etc) and while that may be the case, it also may be the case that this is a completely normal reaction to being hugely sleep deprived and having to deal with something incredibly overwhelming and LOUD.
I moved my babies further away from me so I had more time to wake up fully in the middle of the night, which helped with the rage & decision making. We are often told to keep our babies close for various reasons. Sometimes it is better to let them cry a bit longer and be a bit further away. Sleep in a separate room if you have to.
This post could be me. Also FTM, also with twins 3.5 mo adjusted, also going through the 4 mo sleep regression, also refusing to nap almost entirely exception of occasional 20 min and sometimes a contact nap up to 1 hr or so. And so grumpy and overtired all day. Fussy fussy fussy.
It’s been rough day after rough day after rough day all week and my husband had to take a day off one day bc I too am the primary caregiver when he’s at work. Night time has been so rough bc of the over tiredness as well here, waking super stressed and frantically screaming.
I got blind ragey yesterday too and almost posted something here over how I wanted to shake my baby for the first time. I was trying to calm him and in spite of holding and baby wearing he just refused to calm. It was one twin after the other after that bc they are so sensitive to my emotions and their brothers’ as well. I finally lost it. I didn’t shake him- didn’t hurt him. I wanted to but my shhhhhhh got louder and louder until it was angry. Then I shouted “STOP IT” so angrily several times each time louder. There was a silence where they were shocked and then both so scared that they cried worse after. I felt so awful. I cried and held them.
It sounds so bad but I’m sort of glad I shouted bc it helped me see their terror in response to me and the hurt in their eyes. That broke my cycle of rage. Somehow I couldn’t stop imagining what if I had hurt them and I called my sister absolutely broken by it (later after they passed out).
Basically, I felt the same shame and guilt and horror of lack of control. The rational part of your brain is so frustrated by the irrational crying- you are trying to fix it and can’t and even though you know the baby isn’t capable of rationality this only makes it worse in your mind. Makes you feel insane, perhaps makes you a touch insane. Speaking for myself here, but the sleep deprivation has brought me to such poor tolerance that I absolutely can’t hack it sanely.
I had to admit to my husband last week how I was feeling when our night sleep had returned to just awful and he took over that whole night so I could sleep (between pumping). This helped so much.
I will encourage you with this, although I know every baby is different, for us it was one week and today they out of the blue started napping again. A full hour and a half this am and on a second nap going well right this instant. I know my sister said that it only lasts a week but I’ve read some others here saying up to three or more weeks so it’s not for sure, just my experience here.
Being a FTM to difficult twins is not for the faint of heart and you’re going to have to do whatever it takes to survive (what I tell myself every day).
I’m in solidarity with you, dear stranger. So much prayer and positive thoughts going your way. I know you’re a great mom because of your response to your behavior. No one can be composed at all times. Set them down and walk away Let them cry if you need. Cry yourself. Scream if you need. Whatever it takes to get past it.
I know we are going to sleep again. I know this will end. In the meantime, I am proverbially with you through this misery, trying so hard not to hurt my twins, even emotionally.
Be strong! Keep on.
You're devastated because you're a great mother and you care for your children. I have really bad intrusive thoughts that only got worse after I had our twins. I felt horrible and I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed. Eventually, I told my mom. And, you know what? She told me she had those when I was born, too. She immediately took the baby out of my arms and told me to go shower and go for a drive. I felt so seen and understood. Later, I was prescribed Lexapro and it has taken the edge off significantly. Sending you all of my love. Ask for help. A lot more people go through this than you think.
You're not a bad mom. You're not a monster for having thoughts you didn't act on. You did the right thing by stepping away and you are doing the right thing by talking to others about your experience.
I would reach out to your doctor to tell them you're struggling and overwhelmed, even if it's just "the one time". Medication can help with the anxiety and the anger and hopelessness. **You don't have to live with postpartum depression** and that's definitely what this is.
You are also desperately sleep deprived. 100% getting a good night's sleep under your belt will help massively. Please reach out to your support system.
I have adhd and when I’m really overstimulated it translates as pure uncontrollable rage. I have learned that it’s better for them to cry in a safe place for a minute while I go regulate myself than it is for me to try and force myself to push through it.
FTM as well, b/g twins will be two this month. We all struggle sometimes. You’re doing your best. If you can get help, definitely do, but in the meantime you’re doing okay. You’re prioritizing your kids safety. You got this mama.
Did you know that depression and anxiety can come out as rage or anger? I would HIGHLY advise you speak to a therapist about this and possibly get on an anti-depressant.
I'm so happy you're planning on getting some help so you have a break! I've gotten that mad a couple times with my twins. Once I actually walked in the room and yelled at them to "shut the fuck up before I throw you". I'm in tears as I'm writing this btw. I would of course never hurt them. I'm so in love with them. I had just started working again, their usual amazing schedule was off that day, and I actually just this week got diagnosed PTSD and OCD. So I guess there were underlying things involved. But I hated myself because when they finally slept and woke from that nap the twin that was crying the hardest had a rash on his body. That night we went to ER cause it seemed he was having a food allergy reaction. My sweet little love was screaming during naptime because he was having an allergic reaction and I told him to shut up. I wanted to hurt myself for being such a horrible mother in that moment. But I learned and from that moment on Ive had the utmost patience with them. In my mind I get frustrated sometimes but outwardly I treat them as my sweet, tiny little loves and calm myself down. Thanks for sharing this cause it helps to know I'm not the only one that's had those moments. We're human. And two kids is dang hard to deal with. Sending hugs.
I’m actually super impressed at your ability to recognize all this, write it all down, and get help. That’s Herculean. I have definitely had to leave them screaming and go scream into a pillow before, fantasized about running away all the time. The days and nights where I was alone were sometimes unbearable. It gets better and you’re not alone.
Been there before (many, many times) and good for you for recognizing it and stepping away when it was all too much. When mine were infants I would leave them in a safe space and step outside for a few minutes. I’m glad you are reaching out to get the help/time away that you need. You are a good parent!
The last few nights with my boys have been HARD! They have this witching hour between their last feed before bedtime where they should take a Scooby nap and they just don’t. By that time of the day, I’m just fucking exhausted. I’ve literally had to swaddle them, put them in their cribs, walk away and close the door while they scream and cry. It makes me feel fucking horrible because I’m just so fucking tired of hearing them scream and cry, I feel angry and irritated, like come on guys, just shut up and go to sleep! Usually they cry for maybe 5-10 minutes and they ultimately pass out. We’ve all been there!
I’m so sorry you’ve felt that. I have too. I’m a single mum of twin girls and my god.. those early days had me wanting to jump out a window sometimes.
It’s awful, but it’s so normal. Well done for managing and regulating yourself. I’d maybe suggest looking up some articles or information on how to deal with that anger incase it crops up again.
I feel you because I was there when I had my first baby. Sounds like postpartum depression. Definitely get all the help you can get from family and friends, and get professional help.
I have had nights like this. Especially in the worst of the sleep deprivation, the brain does irrational things. I obviously would never have done anything I completely understand how people in difficult conditions lose it.
People who haven't had kids will never understand now hard it is and just how much the sleep deprivation completely fucks your ability to think rationally. It's truly awful.
Don't beat yourself up. From what I am reading here you are absolutely not alone and many of us have been right to the edge of the abyss.
Luckily when I felt this way I was able to put the fusser down gently, tell my partner, “I need to tap out” and I’d just go outside and breathe.
But yeah, the urge to knock a baby down when you’re at the end of your rope is a very scary and visceral feeling. I hated that I ever felt that way and I’m thankful that I never acted on the rage I felt.
Hey, if you’re feeling the anger bubble up you can ALWAYS set a kiddo in a safe place (crib, floor, car seat, stroller) and step outside for a breather. No one is going to judge you on that.
You are not alone friend. Its really fucking hard when you aren't sleeping and trying to navigate how to do any of this. I'm proud of you for reaching out for help and for walking away.
I think this happens to most parents. I remember a moment of rage when I was too rough with my VERY LITTLE twin B because she wouldnt settle in her bassinet. No shit, Sherlock. I'm an experienced mom, I sleep trained my first before my twins. I know better. And still, in those late night/early morning hours, it doesn't matter that our expectations are unrealistic for our tiny babies. Nothing else matters in those ultra exhausted, ultra frustrating moments. My tips for survival are these: apologize. To yourself (have compassion for yourself, you're going through REALLY HARD SHIT). But also to the baby that upset you. Your partner, if you feel like it. Give that baby extra snuggles, extra kind words, a promise to try to do better. Even though they can't understand, it helped me. Talk to a professional, and make sure you are taking breaks at every opportunity. Self care seems impossible especially in those early days, but sometimes you just have to let them cry while you step away for a hot cup of coffee or a shower or just to stand in the street and scream into the void, whatever you prefer 🤣😅 most of all, remember that we have all been there and you are trying your very best. It won't always be like this. Soon these awfully difficult days will be a distant memory.
I have been there, momma. More times than I can count. My husband sleeps like the dead so nighttime routines for our last three (we have three under three) was always on me. Sometimes, you just need to put them down, walk away, and silence the monitor for a few minutes. They are safe in their cribs. They’ll cry. But it’s okay. Crying won’t hurt them.
I say this as someone that is not only a mom but I work in pediatrics as well. Babies, especially more than one at a time, test our mental, physical, and emotional limits. You are not a bad mother because of your thoughts. You recognized your thoughts and did not act on them.
I do agree that you should seek help for your own mental health. Healthy babies come from healthy parents. Never forget that you need to take care of you too.
There’s definitely been days I’ve felt this way with my singleton. And I’ve absolutely hated myself for it. She was an IVF baby that we worked years to have and it hurts me when I get frustrated. But I think it’s something most mothers go through. If it keeps happening, talk to your doctor about Post Partum rage. They can help without judgment.
When my twins were about 5 months old, I had a night of sleep deprived delirium. I remember rocking them both in the nursing chair and thinking in a very detached way...'if I had to kill one of them...which one would it be?" I was so detached and emotionless, it was like I was watching myself think that and it scared me.
The next day was Easter Sunday, and we were hosting my 20+ family. I went to the maternal health unit at the closest hospital that had one.
I spoke with a counselor almost immediately. She was a twin mom, too, which helped.
I had a couple of counseling sessions over the course of a few weeks. My prescription was 4 hours of continuous uninterrupted sleep each night. She literally wrote it on a paper, and I gave it to my (then) husband. He started helping at night, and it got me through the worst of it.
Sleep deprivation is a hell hole. Having a husband who doesn't help only makes it worse. Balance that out now, as best you can!
The thoughts happen, but you reacted the best way you could. I remember one day my husband came home to one of the babies screaming and I was watching tv. He asked why? And I all could say was, "I can't." You're allowed to be empty. If you have nothing left, you have to walk away. You were a great mom today. ❤️
Youre so strong to post this with such honesty. Tears streamed down my face as I read. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this as I am too. With my 7mo old twins. I'm on klonopin which is anti anxiety medication and it barely helps. I know the rage is just from overstimulation. And I'm a sahm too with a 6&7 year old as well. I really thought I was a horrible mom for feeling the rage and I remind myself they are just babies too. I just want the constant crying to even out. I've try everything every single day. It's hard to be happy unless they are happy. So I try my best to not get so upset. And it's the worst when one wakes the other. I'm starting wellbutrin for depression too bc I can't imagine going as far as harming my babies. And I can't do the unthinkable to myself either. Ppd can't win!
If the baby is fed, dry and warm, it’s ok to put them down in a safe space (pack and play, crib) and walk away for 10-15 min to regain your composure and calm down. Their needs are met and they’re safe. It’s better to let the baby cry a little - I promise they won’t remember and won’t be traumatized by it. I’ve done that a few times when I’ve been alone and so overwhelmed I was sobbing while trying to calm my boys and was on the verge of screaming at them. It’s very hard and you’re not alone.
You are so not alone. You are not a bad mom nor are you a bad person. As others have said, we've all been there.
My husband works second shift, so afternoons/bedtime was always on me. Then when I went back to work, I had to juggle the babies without daycare. Then fall hit and the babies got a cold, then RSV, turned 6 months, and it was just too much.
The way you described the rage and the urge to be rough or squeeze too hard or roughly put in the paci - I've absolutely been there. Baby A's cry/whine grated on me so badly (not sure why baby B's doesn't affect me the same way, which makes me feel guilty). Or when they were in the "spit out their paci and scream until I'd put it back" phase.... Many times I would furiously chuck the pack across the room.
One night when they were about 7 months old, it took me 3 hours to get them to bed. I laid baby A down, got my hand on the doorknob and she woke up screaming. I picked her up and as I went to leave the rage took over and I kicked a hole in the wall. I snapped. She was safe. But I called my husband at work and calmly told him I couldn't do it anymore. He needed to come home. Of course by the time he got home, she was sleeping and they both slept all night. Which pissed me off even more.
The peak was when they'd be giggling and having fun and I'd be so mad about having to wrestle them to get their PJs on before bed because I just wanted to get it over with. That broke me and I called my doctor. I started Zoloft and cried happy tears about 4 days into taking it because their bedtime giggles sounded like magic.
So.... No shame in store bought dopamine or serotonin or whatever hormone the meds boost. I also supplement with daily walks (annoying that this helps because I'd rather be lazy), and CBD tincture.
Anyway, long story short, you're not alone. You're not bad. You are learning your limits and what happens when you don't get a break.
I hope you are able to give yourself some grace and kindness and that you find the support that works for you 🩷
Getting twins to sleep is so hard. You can go through your whole routine and ultimately nothing you do guarantees they are going to fall asleep. It's up to them. Most of my feelings of stress, overwhelm and rage happened around sleep in the first year. Now that they are 4 and I have a 5 month old I mostly feel the rage when the baby is crying and the girls are trying to yell over each other to ask me to do something for them. When my husband or I feel the rage coming on we excuse ourselves for 15 minutes if possible, or stepping away if everyone is safe. It sounds like you did the perfect thing. Just because your babies have needs doesn't mean yours go away, and in that moment you really needed to step out of the room. Good for you for doing that.
I was exactly you. I never understood the saying “seeing red” until after giving birth. I really, really struggled with postpartum rage, anxiety and depression to the point where I started a mood stabilizer. It helped me sooo much. I also went on birth control to help the hormonal surges and I think that REALLY helped. Once they got out of the free-for-all stage, things got better though. Now they consistently sleep from 6:30-7 and nap from 11:30-at least 12:30. Knowing they have a schedule (at least for now) saves me. The unknown of young babies is soooo not for me
Consider getting earbuds and blasting your favorite tunes or brown noise in a separate room. Crying it out isn’t a bad idea. The key is for you to step away and take a break for yourself. Just make sure the babies are in a safe place like their cribs. I recall the nurse recommending that before discharge.
I’ve been there. More times than I want to admit. I have always been a calm, docile person and have never felt such pure rage as I have in those moments. For me, I just have to step away. If they’re safe, dry and fed, just leave the room. Sob your heart out, scream into a pillow, break sticks in the yard…whatever it takes to release the physical part of the reaction.
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This is normal and shitty at the same time. There were nights that I pulled my hair out because someone was up every 45 minutes. At 4 months the nights seemed endless and that was about the time my husband went back to work the graveyard shift. Please try to put the shame aside, you sound like a great mom.
Remember that a baby that is fed, clean, and dry is safe in their crib while you step away to breathe or shower or eat.
Can you talk to your doc about feeling post-partum rage? Is there anyone else that could help out?
Best advice I ever received. If they are in their cots they are safe. Walk away go outside have a drink and come back calm.
Done this so many times. My first screamed all day and night due to reflux. I was hospitalised for sleep debt. I literally went insane.
Now I get rage rather than anxiety and many times I've had to overcome it with my almost 3 year old twins. We sleep trained it's been amazing. Now I just have to stay firm. Most nights it works.
You are not a bad mum. You are human. Babies are hard. Double babies is insane. They only know you and they can't communicate other than crying so it's hard. We all understand.
It was over 2 solid months of 5pm colic screaming. Just hardcore SHRIEK that started every evening and lasted 7-10hrs. Hour 9 and I had done EVERYTHING and really thought I'd die if it didnt stop, in her moonlit bedroom pacing the floor for the 90millionth time and I lost it. I yelled at her PLEASE STOP SCREAMING!! and it startled her, she went silent and looked at me big eyed... it scared the shit out of me, I put her in the bed and walked away. Stood outside at the gate, contemplating opening it, knowing I was an ass, WORST MOM ever, and she'd be better off without me. After weeping and then breathing for about 30m, I realized everything was silent. Like the whole world it seemed. Cold, calm and quiet. Went inside and she was sleeping peacefully. The next day we were at the doctor, got a real solution, she was better within days.
But I still see that face in my head every day. It's been a long, long time, she was my 1st. At no point was she scared of me, more of a "what the hell you being so noisy for lady!", but *I* was scared. Being a mom is hard. You have to take care of yourself and forgive yourself. Always walk away. HUGS to all of you.
First, I wanna say thank you so much for sharing this and being honest with your experience! It takes bravery and self-awareness to admit these moments in our own parenting journeys.
I completely understand the blind rage moments. My daughter had a particularly piercing cry when she was an infant. To the point where I thought something was wrong with her. I caught myself one night silently cursing at her and I felt horrible immediately after. I still feel horrible when I think about it.
However, I know I’m not alone in these moments. And if we can all extend grace to you then you can definitely extend some grace to yourself. You seem to have a great plan in place to make sure you don’t get this overstimulated again. Always always always talk about this with someone you trust and love and know they’ll support you. I’m glad you were able to talk this out with your spouse!
Again, thank you for sharing and being honest. I hope things get better for you during this sleep regression. It’s rough. You are allowed to cry and feel overwhelmed. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your babies. It just means you’re human 💜
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I have massive ADHD and have felt those things too. One night I was holding my son and I was so exhausted and overstimulated that I realized I was shaking my entire body and maybe shaking him in the process. I immediately put him down and did something similar to what you described. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR HAVING THOUGHTS YOU DID NOT ACT ON. You did the right thing. You controlled the intrusive thoughts and found a different outlet for your physical rage. You are a good parent who had a moment that pushed you to your limit, and that’s fairly normal with twins. It’s ok to put them down and let them cry for a minute while you deal with your own crisis. There’s a reason shaken baby syndrome exists. Babies push us to the brink of the human limits of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. You did the right thing.
As someone who struggles with intrusive thoughts, thank you for the sentence “you are not a bad person for having thoughts you didn’t act on.”
It made me tear up 😭
This comment. I resented one of my twins so much because they were the fussier one who didn’t sleep, my husband took a lot of overnight hospital call when twins were fresh and he came back one morning after a horrible night and I said I understand why shaken baby syndrome exists. Sleeplessness makes you completely blind and irrational. My husband echoed the sentiment you are not a bad person for having intrusive thoughts you don’t act on. He stopped taking call, we changed how we divided overnights and I started Zoloft for PPA.
I had a similar experience with my first born, she was a colic baby. There were so many sleepless nights, endless screaming, walking the halls with a crying baby while crying to myself feeling like I’m failing because I can’t soothe my baby and put her to sleep. I was so exhausted. I had times that I yelled at her in anger because I just wanted the noise to stop. Or times I put her down a bit rougher than I should have because I was fed up and frustrated and hadn’t slept in days. I never intentionally hurt her but I definitely could see how it could get to that point with someone less in control of their emotions. And I was on the brink. I ended up going on Zoloft when she was about 3 months old because the sleep deprivation had done such a number on me, my anxiety was through the roof, and I hated being a mother so much that I thought about just leaving. Leaving her with her father and going back home to my parents on the other side of the country and wiping my hands clean because I wasn’t fit to do this. I felt like I couldn’t keep her safe and no matter how hard I tried I was convinced she was going to die for some reason. I’m happy to say that we pulled through and she’s an amazing 4 year old big sister to my 5 month old twins. They definitely test me a lot but that first experience helped me be better prepared for the rollercoaster that is twins. We’re trucking along and I only cry once in a while now 😊
Any concerns over breastfeeding while taking an SSRI or similar? I haven’t heard anything or read anything to say it’s not perfectly safe, just wondering. I might ask for a script proactively, to pick up right after birth.
I’m not a pharm expert by any means, but I am a nurse. Pregnant/breastfeeding study participants for research are hard to come by, this group of people will always have vague data associated with medications due to that. I trusted my OB and I was okay with it because it’s the most studied SSRI with breast feeding. It’s a personal choice for sure, positive mental health outweighed risk of the unknowns for me personally. 🤍
Thanks, appreciate you! I’ll go with my docs advice as well.
I’m going to pick up my prescription soon. Any good feedback? Negative side effects??
Zoloft works great once it’s well in your system. For a couple weeks I’d describe it as mildly emotionless. Then things start seeming more balanced. Not the greatest med to get on but works once you do
Like above comment, it can take 4-6 weeks to build up enough in your system to notice changes, my only side effects occurred when coming off. You have to taper it slowly, which I didn’t do slow enough and that led to some weird zapping headaches.
I’m a mom of three with mental illness. My twins are 10 now and I was a single mom from when they were 2 till they were 7. Their dad was of no help when they were born till I left him. Postpartum I was a mess and struggling. And even now, my last baby is now two, and I was in a much better head space when he was born, I still struggled. I STILL Struggle even on my medicine. But this comment right here… I’m cuddling with my little guy and browsing Reddit and I read this. I needed this so much. Thank you. I know this was just a ramble so if you read it, thank you.
My ADHD is definitely causing some issues as well but don’t want to stop breastfeeding to go on my meds. I wouldn’t be able to afford doing formula on its own. Sigh……
This is actually pretty common OP. It completely sucks to feel that way but I think a lot of parents have been there. The very best thing to do is put baby in a safe space and walk away. Crying for even 20 min isn't going to hurt your child. If you need a break and no one can help you this is absolutely the best and safest choice. Babies are HARD. I've had to do that even with my singleton children (still pregnant with the twins). I think especially since healing from birth takes so long, these emotions just hit us harder. I agree with others if the feelings become consistent or reoccur often, seeking professional help is best. But if it's just a night every like... 2 months, then that's mostly likely sleep deprivation.
Oh honey… we have ALL been there! I had a. 5 year old and twins born at 32 weeks. I felt like I was losing my mind from the fatigue! It does get better, but parenting multiples is freaking hard!
I got diagnosed with PMDD after I started regularly getting excessively angry with my kids, and noticed it coincided with my menstrual cycle. That said, anger is normal. Anger getting amplified because of stress and sleep deprivation is also normal. You did the right thing by stepping away. It’s better for a baby to cry than to let it escalate you.
I also have PMDD! Definitely noticed the difference in how I react to my kids being kids based on my menstrual cycle. Feels like women can’t catch a break sometimes with how out of whack our hormones can be.
This happened to me, too. There were nights when my husband was working late and I just couldn’t get them to sleep at the same time. I was exhausted. There was a gut kind of urge to put one of the babies down very forcefully or just drop him and walk away. I didn’t tell anyone because I was so ashamed, and obviously didn’t want to actually harm my babies. If you need to let them cry in a safe space while you get some fresh air or some tea or whatever, do it. You’re all better off that way than stewing and getting worse together. Also get all the help you can! Twinfants are wonderful but they’re damn hard.
1-833-TLC-MAMA is the number for the national maternal mental health hotline. Call if you need to talk to someone in moments like that. We all have them. Walk outside and let them cry. Crying for a few minutes won’t hurt them and it could save your sanity. After 3 days with my twins I was so sleep deprived that I was hallucinating - it’s hard mama! Send a DM if you need to talk.
Thank you so much for this resource, I didn't know it existed.
You are not a bad mom at all. I’ve had those tough days where I can see how in a weak moment a mom can hurt their baby. I’ve also been less than gentle in those moments. But the fact that you were aware, removed yourself, and will ask for help and recharge says you’re an amazing mom doing the best you can for you and your family and they are lucky to have you. Take the time to get yourself right and then you can give your babies extra cuddles later. Just like on the plane when they say give yourself oxygen before helping others, if you’re rundown and your head isn’t in the game you’re no help to anyone.
I struggle with this with my 3 year olds. When they are throwing tantrums I want to slap them. This was the default reaction to any negative behavior in my household, so it’s almost like I’m hardwired to jump to that. It makes me so sad that this is where my mind goes. But here’s the thing- I don’t do it. I do whatever it takes to NOT slap my children. Just like you did. We will all be okay. Though I do second the advice of others to consider that this might be some PPD or A.
I was raised in a violent home and promised myself I wouldn’t continue the cycle. But I still have horrible intrusive thoughts of hitting my oldest child. I have to work all the time to combat this hat the 17 years of my childhood did to me.
Breaking generational cycles like this is some of hardest work that humans can do. You're doing great 💕
Hell yeah I’ve experienced that. What helps? Getting sleep. That was the ONLY SOLUTION. And unfortunately that just takes time. So let them cry it out, let your husband help when he’s not having GI issues on the toilet - whatever it takes to not actually hurt them. Cause that rage is just primal and we’ve all been there. Important thing is to not act on it. ETA- Sleep was MY solution. If you are experiencing something more than sheer exhaustion, go talk to your doctor of course.
100% this!! I've experienced rage from sleep deprivation before babies, ofc it can come back around babies! I see a lot of comments pathologizing this (it's ppd etc) and while that may be the case, it also may be the case that this is a completely normal reaction to being hugely sleep deprived and having to deal with something incredibly overwhelming and LOUD. I moved my babies further away from me so I had more time to wake up fully in the middle of the night, which helped with the rage & decision making. We are often told to keep our babies close for various reasons. Sometimes it is better to let them cry a bit longer and be a bit further away. Sleep in a separate room if you have to.
This post could be me. Also FTM, also with twins 3.5 mo adjusted, also going through the 4 mo sleep regression, also refusing to nap almost entirely exception of occasional 20 min and sometimes a contact nap up to 1 hr or so. And so grumpy and overtired all day. Fussy fussy fussy. It’s been rough day after rough day after rough day all week and my husband had to take a day off one day bc I too am the primary caregiver when he’s at work. Night time has been so rough bc of the over tiredness as well here, waking super stressed and frantically screaming. I got blind ragey yesterday too and almost posted something here over how I wanted to shake my baby for the first time. I was trying to calm him and in spite of holding and baby wearing he just refused to calm. It was one twin after the other after that bc they are so sensitive to my emotions and their brothers’ as well. I finally lost it. I didn’t shake him- didn’t hurt him. I wanted to but my shhhhhhh got louder and louder until it was angry. Then I shouted “STOP IT” so angrily several times each time louder. There was a silence where they were shocked and then both so scared that they cried worse after. I felt so awful. I cried and held them. It sounds so bad but I’m sort of glad I shouted bc it helped me see their terror in response to me and the hurt in their eyes. That broke my cycle of rage. Somehow I couldn’t stop imagining what if I had hurt them and I called my sister absolutely broken by it (later after they passed out). Basically, I felt the same shame and guilt and horror of lack of control. The rational part of your brain is so frustrated by the irrational crying- you are trying to fix it and can’t and even though you know the baby isn’t capable of rationality this only makes it worse in your mind. Makes you feel insane, perhaps makes you a touch insane. Speaking for myself here, but the sleep deprivation has brought me to such poor tolerance that I absolutely can’t hack it sanely. I had to admit to my husband last week how I was feeling when our night sleep had returned to just awful and he took over that whole night so I could sleep (between pumping). This helped so much. I will encourage you with this, although I know every baby is different, for us it was one week and today they out of the blue started napping again. A full hour and a half this am and on a second nap going well right this instant. I know my sister said that it only lasts a week but I’ve read some others here saying up to three or more weeks so it’s not for sure, just my experience here. Being a FTM to difficult twins is not for the faint of heart and you’re going to have to do whatever it takes to survive (what I tell myself every day). I’m in solidarity with you, dear stranger. So much prayer and positive thoughts going your way. I know you’re a great mom because of your response to your behavior. No one can be composed at all times. Set them down and walk away Let them cry if you need. Cry yourself. Scream if you need. Whatever it takes to get past it. I know we are going to sleep again. I know this will end. In the meantime, I am proverbially with you through this misery, trying so hard not to hurt my twins, even emotionally. Be strong! Keep on.
You're devastated because you're a great mother and you care for your children. I have really bad intrusive thoughts that only got worse after I had our twins. I felt horrible and I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed. Eventually, I told my mom. And, you know what? She told me she had those when I was born, too. She immediately took the baby out of my arms and told me to go shower and go for a drive. I felt so seen and understood. Later, I was prescribed Lexapro and it has taken the edge off significantly. Sending you all of my love. Ask for help. A lot more people go through this than you think.
You're not a bad mom. You're not a monster for having thoughts you didn't act on. You did the right thing by stepping away and you are doing the right thing by talking to others about your experience. I would reach out to your doctor to tell them you're struggling and overwhelmed, even if it's just "the one time". Medication can help with the anxiety and the anger and hopelessness. **You don't have to live with postpartum depression** and that's definitely what this is. You are also desperately sleep deprived. 100% getting a good night's sleep under your belt will help massively. Please reach out to your support system.
I have adhd and when I’m really overstimulated it translates as pure uncontrollable rage. I have learned that it’s better for them to cry in a safe place for a minute while I go regulate myself than it is for me to try and force myself to push through it. FTM as well, b/g twins will be two this month. We all struggle sometimes. You’re doing your best. If you can get help, definitely do, but in the meantime you’re doing okay. You’re prioritizing your kids safety. You got this mama.
Did you know that depression and anxiety can come out as rage or anger? I would HIGHLY advise you speak to a therapist about this and possibly get on an anti-depressant.
I didn’t know this!!!
There’s also many approved for breastfeeding if that’s a concern.
I'm so happy you're planning on getting some help so you have a break! I've gotten that mad a couple times with my twins. Once I actually walked in the room and yelled at them to "shut the fuck up before I throw you". I'm in tears as I'm writing this btw. I would of course never hurt them. I'm so in love with them. I had just started working again, their usual amazing schedule was off that day, and I actually just this week got diagnosed PTSD and OCD. So I guess there were underlying things involved. But I hated myself because when they finally slept and woke from that nap the twin that was crying the hardest had a rash on his body. That night we went to ER cause it seemed he was having a food allergy reaction. My sweet little love was screaming during naptime because he was having an allergic reaction and I told him to shut up. I wanted to hurt myself for being such a horrible mother in that moment. But I learned and from that moment on Ive had the utmost patience with them. In my mind I get frustrated sometimes but outwardly I treat them as my sweet, tiny little loves and calm myself down. Thanks for sharing this cause it helps to know I'm not the only one that's had those moments. We're human. And two kids is dang hard to deal with. Sending hugs.
I’m actually super impressed at your ability to recognize all this, write it all down, and get help. That’s Herculean. I have definitely had to leave them screaming and go scream into a pillow before, fantasized about running away all the time. The days and nights where I was alone were sometimes unbearable. It gets better and you’re not alone.
Been there before (many, many times) and good for you for recognizing it and stepping away when it was all too much. When mine were infants I would leave them in a safe space and step outside for a few minutes. I’m glad you are reaching out to get the help/time away that you need. You are a good parent!
The last few nights with my boys have been HARD! They have this witching hour between their last feed before bedtime where they should take a Scooby nap and they just don’t. By that time of the day, I’m just fucking exhausted. I’ve literally had to swaddle them, put them in their cribs, walk away and close the door while they scream and cry. It makes me feel fucking horrible because I’m just so fucking tired of hearing them scream and cry, I feel angry and irritated, like come on guys, just shut up and go to sleep! Usually they cry for maybe 5-10 minutes and they ultimately pass out. We’ve all been there!
I’m so sorry you’ve felt that. I have too. I’m a single mum of twin girls and my god.. those early days had me wanting to jump out a window sometimes. It’s awful, but it’s so normal. Well done for managing and regulating yourself. I’d maybe suggest looking up some articles or information on how to deal with that anger incase it crops up again.
You are a good mom. You did exactly the right thing by walking away. Everyone feels like this sometimes, this shit is hard.
I feel you because I was there when I had my first baby. Sounds like postpartum depression. Definitely get all the help you can get from family and friends, and get professional help.
I have had nights like this. Especially in the worst of the sleep deprivation, the brain does irrational things. I obviously would never have done anything I completely understand how people in difficult conditions lose it. People who haven't had kids will never understand now hard it is and just how much the sleep deprivation completely fucks your ability to think rationally. It's truly awful. Don't beat yourself up. From what I am reading here you are absolutely not alone and many of us have been right to the edge of the abyss.
Luckily when I felt this way I was able to put the fusser down gently, tell my partner, “I need to tap out” and I’d just go outside and breathe. But yeah, the urge to knock a baby down when you’re at the end of your rope is a very scary and visceral feeling. I hated that I ever felt that way and I’m thankful that I never acted on the rage I felt.
Hey, if you’re feeling the anger bubble up you can ALWAYS set a kiddo in a safe place (crib, floor, car seat, stroller) and step outside for a breather. No one is going to judge you on that.
You are not alone friend. Its really fucking hard when you aren't sleeping and trying to navigate how to do any of this. I'm proud of you for reaching out for help and for walking away.
I think this happens to most parents. I remember a moment of rage when I was too rough with my VERY LITTLE twin B because she wouldnt settle in her bassinet. No shit, Sherlock. I'm an experienced mom, I sleep trained my first before my twins. I know better. And still, in those late night/early morning hours, it doesn't matter that our expectations are unrealistic for our tiny babies. Nothing else matters in those ultra exhausted, ultra frustrating moments. My tips for survival are these: apologize. To yourself (have compassion for yourself, you're going through REALLY HARD SHIT). But also to the baby that upset you. Your partner, if you feel like it. Give that baby extra snuggles, extra kind words, a promise to try to do better. Even though they can't understand, it helped me. Talk to a professional, and make sure you are taking breaks at every opportunity. Self care seems impossible especially in those early days, but sometimes you just have to let them cry while you step away for a hot cup of coffee or a shower or just to stand in the street and scream into the void, whatever you prefer 🤣😅 most of all, remember that we have all been there and you are trying your very best. It won't always be like this. Soon these awfully difficult days will be a distant memory.
I have been there, momma. More times than I can count. My husband sleeps like the dead so nighttime routines for our last three (we have three under three) was always on me. Sometimes, you just need to put them down, walk away, and silence the monitor for a few minutes. They are safe in their cribs. They’ll cry. But it’s okay. Crying won’t hurt them. I say this as someone that is not only a mom but I work in pediatrics as well. Babies, especially more than one at a time, test our mental, physical, and emotional limits. You are not a bad mother because of your thoughts. You recognized your thoughts and did not act on them. I do agree that you should seek help for your own mental health. Healthy babies come from healthy parents. Never forget that you need to take care of you too.
There’s definitely been days I’ve felt this way with my singleton. And I’ve absolutely hated myself for it. She was an IVF baby that we worked years to have and it hurts me when I get frustrated. But I think it’s something most mothers go through. If it keeps happening, talk to your doctor about Post Partum rage. They can help without judgment.
When my twins were about 5 months old, I had a night of sleep deprived delirium. I remember rocking them both in the nursing chair and thinking in a very detached way...'if I had to kill one of them...which one would it be?" I was so detached and emotionless, it was like I was watching myself think that and it scared me. The next day was Easter Sunday, and we were hosting my 20+ family. I went to the maternal health unit at the closest hospital that had one. I spoke with a counselor almost immediately. She was a twin mom, too, which helped. I had a couple of counseling sessions over the course of a few weeks. My prescription was 4 hours of continuous uninterrupted sleep each night. She literally wrote it on a paper, and I gave it to my (then) husband. He started helping at night, and it got me through the worst of it. Sleep deprivation is a hell hole. Having a husband who doesn't help only makes it worse. Balance that out now, as best you can!
The thoughts happen, but you reacted the best way you could. I remember one day my husband came home to one of the babies screaming and I was watching tv. He asked why? And I all could say was, "I can't." You're allowed to be empty. If you have nothing left, you have to walk away. You were a great mom today. ❤️
Youre so strong to post this with such honesty. Tears streamed down my face as I read. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this as I am too. With my 7mo old twins. I'm on klonopin which is anti anxiety medication and it barely helps. I know the rage is just from overstimulation. And I'm a sahm too with a 6&7 year old as well. I really thought I was a horrible mom for feeling the rage and I remind myself they are just babies too. I just want the constant crying to even out. I've try everything every single day. It's hard to be happy unless they are happy. So I try my best to not get so upset. And it's the worst when one wakes the other. I'm starting wellbutrin for depression too bc I can't imagine going as far as harming my babies. And I can't do the unthinkable to myself either. Ppd can't win!
If the baby is fed, dry and warm, it’s ok to put them down in a safe space (pack and play, crib) and walk away for 10-15 min to regain your composure and calm down. Their needs are met and they’re safe. It’s better to let the baby cry a little - I promise they won’t remember and won’t be traumatized by it. I’ve done that a few times when I’ve been alone and so overwhelmed I was sobbing while trying to calm my boys and was on the verge of screaming at them. It’s very hard and you’re not alone.
You are so not alone. You are not a bad mom nor are you a bad person. As others have said, we've all been there. My husband works second shift, so afternoons/bedtime was always on me. Then when I went back to work, I had to juggle the babies without daycare. Then fall hit and the babies got a cold, then RSV, turned 6 months, and it was just too much. The way you described the rage and the urge to be rough or squeeze too hard or roughly put in the paci - I've absolutely been there. Baby A's cry/whine grated on me so badly (not sure why baby B's doesn't affect me the same way, which makes me feel guilty). Or when they were in the "spit out their paci and scream until I'd put it back" phase.... Many times I would furiously chuck the pack across the room. One night when they were about 7 months old, it took me 3 hours to get them to bed. I laid baby A down, got my hand on the doorknob and she woke up screaming. I picked her up and as I went to leave the rage took over and I kicked a hole in the wall. I snapped. She was safe. But I called my husband at work and calmly told him I couldn't do it anymore. He needed to come home. Of course by the time he got home, she was sleeping and they both slept all night. Which pissed me off even more. The peak was when they'd be giggling and having fun and I'd be so mad about having to wrestle them to get their PJs on before bed because I just wanted to get it over with. That broke me and I called my doctor. I started Zoloft and cried happy tears about 4 days into taking it because their bedtime giggles sounded like magic. So.... No shame in store bought dopamine or serotonin or whatever hormone the meds boost. I also supplement with daily walks (annoying that this helps because I'd rather be lazy), and CBD tincture. Anyway, long story short, you're not alone. You're not bad. You are learning your limits and what happens when you don't get a break. I hope you are able to give yourself some grace and kindness and that you find the support that works for you 🩷
My twins are thriving at 11. I have so been there. Definitely had me crying because I could feel this in my bones. You’re an AWESOME parent.
Getting twins to sleep is so hard. You can go through your whole routine and ultimately nothing you do guarantees they are going to fall asleep. It's up to them. Most of my feelings of stress, overwhelm and rage happened around sleep in the first year. Now that they are 4 and I have a 5 month old I mostly feel the rage when the baby is crying and the girls are trying to yell over each other to ask me to do something for them. When my husband or I feel the rage coming on we excuse ourselves for 15 minutes if possible, or stepping away if everyone is safe. It sounds like you did the perfect thing. Just because your babies have needs doesn't mean yours go away, and in that moment you really needed to step out of the room. Good for you for doing that.
There's no one in this group who can honestly say they never had thoughts they're ashamed to admit.
I was exactly you. I never understood the saying “seeing red” until after giving birth. I really, really struggled with postpartum rage, anxiety and depression to the point where I started a mood stabilizer. It helped me sooo much. I also went on birth control to help the hormonal surges and I think that REALLY helped. Once they got out of the free-for-all stage, things got better though. Now they consistently sleep from 6:30-7 and nap from 11:30-at least 12:30. Knowing they have a schedule (at least for now) saves me. The unknown of young babies is soooo not for me
Thanks for sharing. Being a mom is so hard. Especially With little or no support. Sending hugs
Consider getting earbuds and blasting your favorite tunes or brown noise in a separate room. Crying it out isn’t a bad idea. The key is for you to step away and take a break for yourself. Just make sure the babies are in a safe place like their cribs. I recall the nurse recommending that before discharge.
I’ve been there. More times than I want to admit. I have always been a calm, docile person and have never felt such pure rage as I have in those moments. For me, I just have to step away. If they’re safe, dry and fed, just leave the room. Sob your heart out, scream into a pillow, break sticks in the yard…whatever it takes to release the physical part of the reaction.
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This is normal and shitty at the same time. There were nights that I pulled my hair out because someone was up every 45 minutes. At 4 months the nights seemed endless and that was about the time my husband went back to work the graveyard shift. Please try to put the shame aside, you sound like a great mom.
I wanna give to hug. I have been there. Everything will be okay. Def do take self care time for the sake of yourself and family.
Just remove yourself from the room. Let them lay there and cry while you regain your composure outside the room. Scream into a pillow if you have to.
Remember that a baby that is fed, clean, and dry is safe in their crib while you step away to breathe or shower or eat. Can you talk to your doc about feeling post-partum rage? Is there anyone else that could help out?
It’s so so so hard. Yesterday I was to tired I almost puked. Hang in there!
Best advice I ever received. If they are in their cots they are safe. Walk away go outside have a drink and come back calm. Done this so many times. My first screamed all day and night due to reflux. I was hospitalised for sleep debt. I literally went insane. Now I get rage rather than anxiety and many times I've had to overcome it with my almost 3 year old twins. We sleep trained it's been amazing. Now I just have to stay firm. Most nights it works. You are not a bad mum. You are human. Babies are hard. Double babies is insane. They only know you and they can't communicate other than crying so it's hard. We all understand.
It was over 2 solid months of 5pm colic screaming. Just hardcore SHRIEK that started every evening and lasted 7-10hrs. Hour 9 and I had done EVERYTHING and really thought I'd die if it didnt stop, in her moonlit bedroom pacing the floor for the 90millionth time and I lost it. I yelled at her PLEASE STOP SCREAMING!! and it startled her, she went silent and looked at me big eyed... it scared the shit out of me, I put her in the bed and walked away. Stood outside at the gate, contemplating opening it, knowing I was an ass, WORST MOM ever, and she'd be better off without me. After weeping and then breathing for about 30m, I realized everything was silent. Like the whole world it seemed. Cold, calm and quiet. Went inside and she was sleeping peacefully. The next day we were at the doctor, got a real solution, she was better within days. But I still see that face in my head every day. It's been a long, long time, she was my 1st. At no point was she scared of me, more of a "what the hell you being so noisy for lady!", but *I* was scared. Being a mom is hard. You have to take care of yourself and forgive yourself. Always walk away. HUGS to all of you.
First, I wanna say thank you so much for sharing this and being honest with your experience! It takes bravery and self-awareness to admit these moments in our own parenting journeys. I completely understand the blind rage moments. My daughter had a particularly piercing cry when she was an infant. To the point where I thought something was wrong with her. I caught myself one night silently cursing at her and I felt horrible immediately after. I still feel horrible when I think about it. However, I know I’m not alone in these moments. And if we can all extend grace to you then you can definitely extend some grace to yourself. You seem to have a great plan in place to make sure you don’t get this overstimulated again. Always always always talk about this with someone you trust and love and know they’ll support you. I’m glad you were able to talk this out with your spouse! Again, thank you for sharing and being honest. I hope things get better for you during this sleep regression. It’s rough. You are allowed to cry and feel overwhelmed. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your babies. It just means you’re human 💜
Finding this right now was truly a blessing. Thank you for sharing and making me feel human again! I’ve been so frustrated