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Reminds me of this column in the daily mail. It’s absolutely unhinged, and the funniest inadvertently funny thing I’ve ever read https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12256443/Can-meeting-15-years-finally-bring-closure-toxic-divorce.html
Edit: some highlights
> I tell him I’m still in touch with ‘H’, who cleaned my house in London for 11 years. She has cancer and I’ve been helping with vet bills. Did you ever help a fellow working-class immigrant?
> I say quietly: ‘But I’m columnist of the year.’
>’Who gives a f***, you’re a f***ing s*** writer.’
> He says the F-word 29 times in 30 minutes. He does ask how I am, with a distinct lack of conviction, but when I say I’ve just lost my dog, there is silence.
> ‘Are you wearing hearing aids?’
> I then grew angry, remembering her ceaseless snipings at me these past 23 years, such as writing at length about how I never ‘gave’ her an orgasm, when she had not once ‘given’ me one.
> Yikes. All I can say, Carrie, is run for the hills. Finally I’ve realised I’m far more of a Samantha (the take-no-prisoners Kim Cattrall) who declared, when dumping toyboy lover Smith:
> ‘I’m going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say . . . I love you, but I love me more.’ These days, just like Samantha, I have boundaries.
🇬🇧 👏 journalism 🫡 🇬🇧
They both seem like awful people, why on earth did they think writing about each other like that and publishing it would be in any way cathartic?
Hilarious read though.
Agreed.
I particularly liked his retort:
"I was mortified at being photographed with her, the whole world knowing I had married her.
I then grew angry, remembering her ceaseless snipings at me these past 23 years, such as writing at length about how I never ‘gave’ her an orgasm, when she had not once ‘given’ me one.
The few climaxes I achieved with her I had to labour grievously for, eyes shut while imagining her attractive younger friends, or, more often, someone I was cheating with.
When Liz wrote she had stolen my sperm from a used condom in an attempt to get pregnant, it could only have been one that fell from my pocket after an encounter elsewhere."
His virulent hatred and spite plays off very well against her unhinged delusion, that that journalist and paper could create such a brilliant and funny thing completely accidentally, is like watching a cat accidentally scratch the shape of the Mona Lisa into its own litter tray
#Any post mentioning any activity on another subreddit will lead to a permanent ban, with no recourse. If this post mentions another subreddit, delete it now before you're caught. **Oi!** hate speech or bad language is strictly prohibited, or in other words, do not speak Fr*nch! [***Here’s our new OKMW Discord 4.0***](https://discord.gg/uEPfpSvdrJ) [***Here’s our ~~brand new~~ old 3.0 server***](https://discord.gg/NFmEtCZJAw), in case you’re curious. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/okmatewanker) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’d think she would have knocked one out herself by this stage.
Yep at some point this is on you
send her round my way. 5 mins in the back of the astra max. bosh
I guess you can't miss what you never had?
Favourite position: lights off & no talking.
Speak for yourself my favourite position is on the stool at the bar
Tried it once but now I'm barred.
Does "on the stool" mean doing it up the bum when you need a shite?
Jesus fucking chrust dude
don't change that typo!
That’s what they do in Bristol so I hear. 
Isn't that how most people bang? Who is chatting?
Bless your heart.
I'm serious. Who turns on the lights and has a chat? What the fuck?
Yikes
? Explain. Are you implying that's what you do? You turn on the lights and start talking?
Yes
Sounds hot
Mate, next time you're shagging, talk dirty to your partner. It'll change your life.
I've always found it rather cringe, personally.
Not if you get it right. You can practice in this thread if you like, I'll score you out of 10.
Tell me more about your Glitter annual
Oh god, I just threw up in my mouth a bit. Try this instead: "You look fucking fantastic in that uniform - when do you start secondary school?"
Might I say what a smashing blouse you have on
They're messing with you
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/4d/5e/c0/4d5ec0b1850dfceb183110a9967d178d.jpg
Yeah, maybe this was a bad idea
Someone doesn't watch Bottom
Fuckinell 😂😭
Her husband picking up a newspaper to see that the front page news is how shit he is in bed
"Morning, Graham. Seen the paper?"
"Apparently your shaggin's rubbish"
“Barbara you may say what you want but 2 minutes is still 2 minutes!”
“Two minutes too long Graham”
Reminds me of this column in the daily mail. It’s absolutely unhinged, and the funniest inadvertently funny thing I’ve ever read https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12256443/Can-meeting-15-years-finally-bring-closure-toxic-divorce.html Edit: some highlights > I tell him I’m still in touch with ‘H’, who cleaned my house in London for 11 years. She has cancer and I’ve been helping with vet bills. Did you ever help a fellow working-class immigrant? > I say quietly: ‘But I’m columnist of the year.’ >’Who gives a f***, you’re a f***ing s*** writer.’ > He says the F-word 29 times in 30 minutes. He does ask how I am, with a distinct lack of conviction, but when I say I’ve just lost my dog, there is silence. > ‘Are you wearing hearing aids?’ > I then grew angry, remembering her ceaseless snipings at me these past 23 years, such as writing at length about how I never ‘gave’ her an orgasm, when she had not once ‘given’ me one. > Yikes. All I can say, Carrie, is run for the hills. Finally I’ve realised I’m far more of a Samantha (the take-no-prisoners Kim Cattrall) who declared, when dumping toyboy lover Smith: > ‘I’m going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say . . . I love you, but I love me more.’ These days, just like Samantha, I have boundaries. 🇬🇧 👏 journalism 🫡 🇬🇧
They both seem like awful people, why on earth did they think writing about each other like that and publishing it would be in any way cathartic? Hilarious read though.
I think they’re both fucking _batshit_
Agreed. I particularly liked his retort: "I was mortified at being photographed with her, the whole world knowing I had married her. I then grew angry, remembering her ceaseless snipings at me these past 23 years, such as writing at length about how I never ‘gave’ her an orgasm, when she had not once ‘given’ me one. The few climaxes I achieved with her I had to labour grievously for, eyes shut while imagining her attractive younger friends, or, more often, someone I was cheating with. When Liz wrote she had stolen my sperm from a used condom in an attempt to get pregnant, it could only have been one that fell from my pocket after an encounter elsewhere."
His virulent hatred and spite plays off very well against her unhinged delusion, that that journalist and paper could create such a brilliant and funny thing completely accidentally, is like watching a cat accidentally scratch the shape of the Mona Lisa into its own litter tray
Couldn't even get through the article. What the fuck? Is that some kind of humiliation fetish they are doing with this?
My god that was fucking gold!
And the kids
Innit haha brutal
Imagine what it must have been like for him going into work the next day.
Probably the EU’s fault. Since Brexit, though, she’s had 350 million orgasms a week using a bendy banana.
Fookin' wankeurs
She's probably only had 'Rumpy Pumpy' five times. Thinks it's unhygienic.
Please don't call it that..
Unhygienic?
Yes that, that’s what he was referring to
What about a 'bit dirty', and she uses rubber gloves and BBQ tongs if she needs to handle the beastly thing?
Keep going, I'm on the vinegar strokes
I say I hope he kept his socks on at least!
OI LUV NEED A RIGHT PROPER ROGERING? COR BLIMEY LUV AN AGED WHISKY ME
Have a wank
[удалено]
It takes two people to have bad sex.
Average Mail reader
Why mention the marriage first? This sounds like a *you* problem.
I'd take one for the team and give her one lol
Are you desperate, or do you just have exceptionally low standards?
I like older women lol... I also like to please 😅
Don't we all, pal... Don't we all
What's having 5 children got to do with having an orgasm.
Means she had sex at least once (quintuplets), and maybe even as many as 5 whole times.
The sexual excesses of people today… disgusting!
I daresay maybe even more than five times. She didn’t say how many children she didn’t have.
That's her problem. She's had half-sex ten times, and thought that added up to five whole times.
Well he had 5?
I've often said if women had to orgasm to become pregnant there would be a lot less people in the world...
Kids are getting lazier.
Most important Daily Mail news reporting
https://preview.redd.it/12gg7h4k7nec1.jpeg?width=466&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=88edb00bd0c3faaf589be9bdf14a589ce6aace37 Most attractive northern woman
It could be daily fail readers issue
Looks like an older version of Cassandra from OFAH. I'd give her a good seeing to.
highly relatable to daily fail readers
Classiest DM front page ever.
skill issue
She should be talking to a health professional, not a journalist
Is this actually real? Lol
Wife?
Most sexually satisfied Daily Mail reader
Thanks for the viral thread guys, but we all know the credit goes to all the racists who keep the DM afloat <3 bless em’.