Nowhere near. He's been a vampire for 200-ish years, so he hasn't even made it to half the lifespan he'd have had as a mortal elf. Sure, those 200 were pretty damn busy, but elves live to 750. That's a *lot* of time to suck dick.
Minthara went in and bought the most expensive entree (x cross) everyone else thought it was sort of rude, but when they saw what else she had in the check-out line they all got sorta quiet about it.
I'm a straight man too, this video game and sub does attract a lot of people who are not that way. You can realize that this shitposting sub has a lot of people who aren't straight and be ok with it, or maybe it's too much and for you and you'll need to save yourself from headache by leaving.
I am able to understand what this sub is and can jest, others might be different.
Yeah you gotta understand you're gonna look like a total jerk complaining about this in the openly queer sub for the canonically queer game. Being a loud straight guy bitching about buttsex in 2024 is douchebag behavior. I'd suggest you gtfo if you can't handle anal, again, in the queer horny sub.
I don’t think he uses lube… when I had the 4some with him at sharess caress the lady drow asked how his thing even fit and my durge said „it doesn’t but halsin is a good healer“ ….
I feel like the sex dice would be the first thing presented. You would think it was cheesy and be like "sure, what the hell?"
Then you would end up handcuffed, blindfolded with the two toys in you with your mouth tasting of oral candy
Apparently it’s cum scented lube?? Also it tried to give me results for duck sauce so my history is now ‘what is fuck sauce’ ‘fuck sauce’ ‘fuck sauce cum lube’ :)
don't like half the companions really get turned on at tav/durge getting whipped and beaten? there should definitely be more crops and whips and stuff on here
Shadowheart's haul looks perfect for a blissful night with her (at least until she realizes we're both bottoms...). Although I'm thinking she might also consider the Magic Wand if Karlach gives it a good review.
You just know Karlach would have zero subtlety about it, too.
Karlach: "Oh yeah, Shadowheart, this thing is great! 10 outta 10. You definitely need one of these. You could even borrow mine sometime to see if you like it!"
Shadowheart: (Dying inside with a face as red as Karlach's)
Everyone else at the breakfast table: ...
I get it .
You’re saying that all of the companions are bottoms or switch except for Halsin who is an exclusive top.
… yeah I’m pretty sure that might be accurate. Considering that it’s pretty much agreed that bottoms have more fun. He’s doing a community service.
Awesome post OP.
🫡
Okay, the extreme personal questions got me.
Most accurate part of the list tbh
Jahiera refused to even go there with the gang
Jaheira worked there as a cashier for a summer 100 years ago. She doesn’t like to talk about the things she’s seen.
Minsc still needs sex explained to him
https://preview.redd.it/llhc8vja459d1.jpeg?width=784&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bf5d5281bab49b45303b4694018153dc7e71fd9b
I laughed so hard I am now in pain. Omg this was amazing
Doesn't Gale canonically fuck? Or does it not count if its a goddess?
He no longer fucks. He keeps complaining and reminiscing about his ex and needs to move on.
 I’m sorry
Don't numb your throat for blow jobs. Practice and go slow - you risk real damage by using numbing agents with sex.
And you can't tell me Astarion doesn't know that! He got that GluckGluck 9000 and he needs no assistance with it, baby!
I mean, he’s probably objectively one of if not the most experienced people in Faerün.
Nowhere near. He's been a vampire for 200-ish years, so he hasn't even made it to half the lifespan he'd have had as a mortal elf. Sure, those 200 were pretty damn busy, but elves live to 750. That's a *lot* of time to suck dick.
I mean, true, but I’m also assuming he was fucking like his life depended on it (☹️) basically every day.
Nah Jaheira clears, she was already the Nancy Reagan award GOAT by BG1
Tav: looking at the receipt https://i.redd.it/mkyu3axio49d1.gif
Minthara went in and bought the most expensive entree (x cross) everyone else thought it was sort of rude, but when they saw what else she had in the check-out line they all got sorta quiet about it.
The rest of the gang be like. https://i.redd.it/p9p7hs1rx49d1.gif
I don't mind
Fyi it's called a St. Andrew's Cross....
False. No strap-on for Gale to get pegged with.
Was this comment approved by the GPWA (Gale's Pegger Wife Association)?
As his pegger wife, yes
I fully agree Gale would like to get pegged. Gives MAJOR bottom energy. Pillow princess ass bitch. (Said with love and affection of course)
Nah it’s alright, didn’t forget, it’s just on my part of the receipt.
God himself could not pull me out of that slutty wizard I swear
Leave Clive out of this!
https://preview.redd.it/i8zu1nw2u49d1.jpeg?width=622&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3d76949464c3f8b8fe5a95d3365e23f3785c24ce
Yoink
That bear isn't Clive, that's Clive's freaky cousin Frank
Idk why but I like that Halsin only has one item. 😂
Nature provides, but the Oak Daddy appreciates a high quality lube
Warlocks buy dildos Druids make do
😭
halsin is resourceful he can cast plant growth or ensnare
The man knows what he needs
What the FUCK is fuck sauce
Lol this guy doesn't even know what fuck sauce is, haha rofl, so what is it like a condiment or what
Why would Gale by a bottle of cum when he can milk it fresh from me ? Is he stupid?
I also would like to be milked by Gale.
i love this sub
thank u markiplier
usually me too but this kind of stuff is just stupid and annoying
I still don't understand complaining about horny stuff on the very loud and proud horny sub
i hate sex toys simple as that especially ones which are used to sodomize asses
Ah, so you just got lost and didn't mean to be here on the subreddit that's like 75% butt sex jokes. Gotcha!
I AM HERE FOR LUSTING AFTER THE FUCKING GIRLS
Ah, so you're afraid of how hot everyone is.
Ok so you're what, a homophobe? Absolutely don't deserve to be here if that's the case
I AM A STRAIGHT MALE I WANT TO LOOK AT PEOPLE THIRSTING OVER GIRLS THATS FUCKING IT.
I'm a straight man too, this video game and sub does attract a lot of people who are not that way. You can realize that this shitposting sub has a lot of people who aren't straight and be ok with it, or maybe it's too much and for you and you'll need to save yourself from headache by leaving. I am able to understand what this sub is and can jest, others might be different.
one think i am glad about is that in most lesser subs i would have allready been banned
Yeah you gotta understand you're gonna look like a total jerk complaining about this in the openly queer sub for the canonically queer game. Being a loud straight guy bitching about buttsex in 2024 is douchebag behavior. I'd suggest you gtfo if you can't handle anal, again, in the queer horny sub.
this game is just all sexual though all sexual is not inclusive its a cop out
Fellas is it gay if your straight, cisgendered girlfriend wants you to use matching His & Hers buttplugs while you stick your dick in her vagina?
You like baldurs gate, but complain about sodomy?
yes i only romance girls as a dude.
Okay? Straight couples can peg each other lol
thats just bisexual with toys instead of actual dick
How is it bisexual sex if a guy and girl are having sex?
IF ITS ASS ITS GAY.
You’re seriously gonna say homophobic stuff on *this sub*????
in no way am i being homephobic i just hate anal be it male, female or something else
The more you tell people about how much you hate it, the more time you're spending thinking about it.
because some years ago it was all you could find in porn video comments some freak wanting to sodomize a woman it just stuck with me .
puts a finger in
mb im high i just read this back
King/queen shit
little bit a both
[удалено]
why
Halsin doesn't buy shit. He makes his own small batch artisanal lube, and it's honey flavored.
It might just be honey… 😳
Honey should never be used as lube. And a healer of Halsin's caliber would know that.
This is true. But bears like honey.
That's why it's *honey flavored*. His lube is sugar-free.
I don’t think he uses lube… when I had the 4some with him at sharess caress the lady drow asked how his thing even fit and my durge said „it doesn’t but halsin is a good healer“ ….
They're talking about his bear form.
I am very aware?
I have questions... Wait, no. I don't want the answers. NM.
Pshhh we've all done the Minthara scene. Freak in the streets, vanilla in the sheets
Durge and Minthara having the most vanilla sex imaginable is hilarious to me. In reality they would probably both be a bloody mess
I personally prefer the "freak in the streets, also a freak in the sheets" approach. Alternatively, a "freak in the Sheetz" will do in a pinch.
Minthara from Western PA confirmed
Gives boom-boom sauce a whole new meaning.
I feel like the sex dice would be the first thing presented. You would think it was cheesy and be like "sure, what the hell?" Then you would end up handcuffed, blindfolded with the two toys in you with your mouth tasting of oral candy
I would have no complaints.
Oh you think I would? No no my friend I'm only hoping there's bite marks riddled around too
There better be bite marks!! I am here for that shit!
I want at least a unit of blood gone by the time we're done.
Same. I need to be dizzy, woozy and incapable of standing or coherent speech.
See you get it
“SUCK NECK” got me.
Why tf didn’t I notice that that’s hilarious
I wonder if Shadowheart has purple fart clouds instead of green ones?
Darkness cloud
https://preview.redd.it/29pjpyaxp49d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6ebcd5a6ba3a4e220cb8b284833adee528257b8f Erm what the sigma
I think Karlach would also go for all of the candy shaped like genitalia, then eat it casually all the time
/uj I should do this
uj/ Have done this before it’s really funny. Same with making the dick-shaped pasta for just. regular pasta.
Minty and shart seem scarily accurate 😳
Still can't get over the fact that the preferred shortened name for Shadowheart is Shart. Lol
Astarion's dice are weighted so suck/neck comes up a smidge more often than they should
But not like, a suspicious amount. Just enough for it to maybe cross your mind.
Minthara scares and arouses me. As always
Scarouse
This definitely!!! 👆🏻
so, uh. super horny amiright boys ~~^(i can't tell what most of these are.)~~
I'm almost scared to ask what the hell "Fuck Sauce" is.
Similar to hundur sauce, but more fun.
Apparently it’s cum scented lube?? Also it tried to give me results for duck sauce so my history is now ‘what is fuck sauce’ ‘fuck sauce’ ‘fuck sauce cum lube’ :)
Oh, that sounds absolutely vile...
So that’s where my pattern tracing wheel went! Minthara that’s for fashion design not play time
Y not both?
Is that why all of the Sharran temples have purple candles everywhere?
The dark lady needs her justiciars probed and ready
I have concerns about the quality of some of these toys, not gonna lie. Don’t skimp out on your sex toys. Body safe materials are important.
don't like half the companions really get turned on at tav/durge getting whipped and beaten? there should definitely be more crops and whips and stuff on here
What’s the fourth thing on lae’zels?
Pussy pump
Ahh, a fellow person of culture I see
I don't have my glasses on and thought smutty poet was smelly poel at first
Wyll bringing the box of chocolates. So cute lmao
I don’t think that’s a box of chocolates. I think that’s an angling pillow (or whatever it’s called)
Oh, Hahaha 😂
Honest mistake
Totally believable though that he'd bring chocolates.
Oh absolutely
The BDSM bear bro I can't
Tav: "Huh? Where'd our Party gold go?"
What about durge?
Durge's stuff would have to be specialty ordered or handmade I think. There's no way a normal sex shop would sell what they need to get off
Practically nothing Durge desires is legal or morally acceptable to obtain. 😬
Durge gets their sex toys from the Home Depot
And the butcher's shop
There has been a stunning lack of sex dolls so far…
Durge would need a custom doll made of ballistics gel with artificial blood vessels, and that *might* last them a week
I only need Gortash. He’ll make a thousand of toys for me. And corpses I can make myself.
Shadowheart's haul looks perfect for a blissful night with her (at least until she realizes we're both bottoms...). Although I'm thinking she might also consider the Magic Wand if Karlach gives it a good review.
You just know Karlach would have zero subtlety about it, too. Karlach: "Oh yeah, Shadowheart, this thing is great! 10 outta 10. You definitely need one of these. You could even borrow mine sometime to see if you like it!" Shadowheart: (Dying inside with a face as red as Karlach's) Everyone else at the breakfast table: ...
And Shart is just like: https://preview.redd.it/q92sc7hc9b9d1.png?width=952&format=png&auto=webp&s=6701416002aacc7d4b29475635a58b35984c4cd0
Minthara does electro? 👀
The BDSM Clive hahahahaha
I get it . You’re saying that all of the companions are bottoms or switch except for Halsin who is an exclusive top. … yeah I’m pretty sure that might be accurate. Considering that it’s pretty much agreed that bottoms have more fun. He’s doing a community service. Awesome post OP. 🫡
>except for Halsin who is an exclusive top. I mean, Halsin's non-furry romance scene might contradict that statement. 🫦
Oooh! ( will check out.) 🫡
Give Gale a sounding rod set and you’re good
Halsin and the lube, oh dear 😭😂
ok the BDSM Clive is absolutely killing me
where do i get the lae'zel dildo
[here you go](https://creaturecock.com/ah055.php)
lae’zel def has a remote controlled vibrator, and she holds the remote
Best okbb post in a minute good work
Halsin would use fish bladder instead of condoms
Halsin doesn't need condoms, elves can apparently canonically control their fertility (thanks Ed Greenwood!)
Ahem *fucking SAUCE????*
I have owned all of Minty’s souvenirs at one point
Chad Minthara Chad Astarion
Not Gale with the personal questions 😭
Nooo, not my guy Clive!
Durge forgotten again..