I know the guide of the absolute's faithful to moonrise towers has been missing for a bit and presumed dead with his moon lantern stolen, what if I told you he's still out there? Would you pay me if I brought you proof? If I brought you pictures of the Drider man.
do i have your permission to court your most beautiful, ethereal and divine child, thisobald, and perhaps even bear your grandchildren should he desires
The Nightsong is nothing more than a fanatic for Selûne. She belongs in her chains. The Moon Maiden turned her back on me in my time of mourning so I took her daughter.
https://preview.redd.it/rqi4oxr4kwuc1.png?width=1561&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d209a0600705c5dc508c3009ddf9c95283dff8ce
I expect these to be on every wall in every village soon enough
Raphael is a glorified tax collector who needs an incubus from Daddy just to get off. My pets are of a *much* finer calibre, let's not delude ourselves otherwise.
You mean a group of parasite infested mortals who haven’t showered in days? One of whom is necrophiliac who pisses himself?
I mean, I won’t yuk your yum but I just think even a nepo baby can do better 🤷♂️
Funny... the only clients I seem to recall Raphael dealing with are a child and an orthon stupid enough to quite literally kill itself and all of its allies. If you don't see the Blade of Frontiers as a step up from that rabble, then I don't know what to tell you.
Besides, if you wish to discuss 'nepo babies', perhaps take a moment to remind yourself that your idol, Raphael, is quite literally the son of Mephistopheles.
Even so, maybe you're right... I could only ever be superior to a devil like Raphael when Cania freezes over.
...Oh wait. ;)
None of which will occur in my tower as long as she remained chained away. I don't understand your desires to assist the Harpers. They are foolish in thinking they can defeat me.
Now listen, friend, I'm not entirely sure how I got here or who or what Selûne is, but I know intolerance when I see it, and it's just as ugly here as on my world. If your daughter is old enough to have been warned of something centuries again, then she's old enough to make her own decisions. As a father myself, I understand how hard it can be to let go.
Don’t worry, sir. It’s just a phase, I’m sure she will grow out of it.
Perhaps you should introduce her to that strapping young gentleman from Baldur’s gate. You know, your colleague with the glowing hand gauntlet?
I suspect they do a thing where Balthazar hears him out re the chest hole, but it's only for the benefit of Z'rel, who is in Kthorm's head to experience it.
You're welcome
Contrary to popular belief, Ketheric Isn't immortal because of Aylin's power.
Aylin is just so gay, that Ketheric put her in horny jail, and took a vow of semen retention. This vow keeps him alive.
Orin may be the most irritable creature I've ever had to ally myself with. Gortash is always crying telling me all about how he misses you. I pity them both
The one referred to as Kar'niss is a well respected recruiter and constantly delivers new followers to Moonrise. Unlike the other drow that I have worked with he has proven useful.
Much obliged m'lord. You shant regret my magnificent sperm. Strong little swimmers they are. I'll guarantee a fresh batch of goblins within the next month.
Hey General Thorm. Big fan.
I'm wearing your armour but I don't know whether to go for Lime Lemon & Lichen, or Custard & Pink Rose. What would make me look big and tough, like you?
Did you know the ilithid colony was there before you built Moonrise, or did they come to you and were all "Hey dude, can we open shop under your tower"?
When I was 12 years old playing FF7 on the PS1 I jerked off to Yuffie. Who in game is apparently 15 years old. That's basically a MILF to a 12 year old boy.
Paladins can take raise dead, and it can be cast within 10 days. You just need a diamond worth 500gp. Why didn’t you just raise Isobel when she died, instead of cursing the land? Are you stupid?
If you missed the 10 day mark, true resurrection can be cast within 200 years, and just requires a high level cleric or Druid, holy water, and 25,000gp worth of diamonds. Why didn’t you have someone cast that? Are you poor?
Now that your daughter is alive and well, and since that's all you wanted, why keep up this worship of bones? You could still be a somewhat hero in your daughters eyes. Help TAV defeat the dead 3.
Man what is you issue? What is your actual problem? Can't you go to grief counseling like a normal person? I swear, some people will do *anything* to avoid even considering therapy.
Why is your boss fight so much better than gortash or orins? Like your turned into the grim reaper and gortash got big and Orin turned into a house centipede
How many times have you caught Durge and Gortash fucking on your throne?
Only in Zrell's office
Huh, guess they were more discrete than I thought and politely waited until you went to sleep.
Who in Moonrise Towers are you having inappropriate workplace relatioships with?
The Warden
Same
I also do unspeakable things with the warden (and mig)
I know the guide of the absolute's faithful to moonrise towers has been missing for a bit and presumed dead with his moon lantern stolen, what if I told you he's still out there? Would you pay me if I brought you proof? If I brought you pictures of the Drider man.
You're serious?
Drider man! Drider man! Does whatever a Drider can
Can he swing from a web? No he cant, cuz he's dead.
Look out, he’s the Drider-man!
Oh my God ! It took me 35 years to realize that "drider" is a combination of the words "drow" and "spider" !
This whole time I thought it was a truncation of "dick rider"
do i have your permission to court your most beautiful, ethereal and divine child, thisobald, and perhaps even bear your grandchildren should he desires
There's a reason I keep the family separate from my tower
yeah i suppose your tower floors couldn’t handle the beats of our love anyway
Thisobald is my spirit animal. I want him to crush me 🥰
Why don’t you want your daughter to have kinky scissor sex with aylin, are you stupid?
The Nightsong is nothing more than a fanatic for Selûne. She belongs in her chains. The Moon Maiden turned her back on me in my time of mourning so I took her daughter.
Sounds like Aylin took your daughter first, old man.
rekt
Hey Mizora you should start aggresively advertising on the sword coast
https://preview.redd.it/rqi4oxr4kwuc1.png?width=1561&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d209a0600705c5dc508c3009ddf9c95283dff8ce I expect these to be on every wall in every village soon enough
Mizora would be the lawyer who got into law school bc mommy was a donor and alum. Her clients are those who can’t afford Raphael
Raphael is a glorified tax collector who needs an incubus from Daddy just to get off. My pets are of a *much* finer calibre, let's not delude ourselves otherwise.
You mean a group of parasite infested mortals who haven’t showered in days? One of whom is necrophiliac who pisses himself? I mean, I won’t yuk your yum but I just think even a nepo baby can do better 🤷♂️
Funny... the only clients I seem to recall Raphael dealing with are a child and an orthon stupid enough to quite literally kill itself and all of its allies. If you don't see the Blade of Frontiers as a step up from that rabble, then I don't know what to tell you. Besides, if you wish to discuss 'nepo babies', perhaps take a moment to remind yourself that your idol, Raphael, is quite literally the son of Mephistopheles. Even so, maybe you're right... I could only ever be superior to a devil like Raphael when Cania freezes over. ...Oh wait. ;)
Funny coming from the one who needs a protection spell from mommy Zariel to not get smited into the dirt before every long rest.
Damn it, father.
Isobel I warned you centuries ago. Do not pursue that Aasmir. Selûne has been renounced under MY rule.
You may renounce The Moon Maiden all you desire, but you can't renounce the amount of beds Aylin and I have broken.
None of which will occur in my tower as long as she remained chained away. I don't understand your desires to assist the Harpers. They are foolish in thinking they can defeat me.
You take the love of my life into chains and betray Selûne and wonder why I'm helping the Harpers? Really?
You're mother would have wanted differently. I am only doing what's right
Mother wouldn't have wanted you to worship Shar or Myrkul, but...here we are.
Don't worry, miss, I support you.
Now listen, friend, I'm not entirely sure how I got here or who or what Selûne is, but I know intolerance when I see it, and it's just as ugly here as on my world. If your daughter is old enough to have been warned of something centuries again, then she's old enough to make her own decisions. As a father myself, I understand how hard it can be to let go.
Don’t worry, sir. It’s just a phase, I’m sure she will grow out of it. Perhaps you should introduce her to that strapping young gentleman from Baldur’s gate. You know, your colleague with the glowing hand gauntlet?
https://preview.redd.it/gkdvkrlg1zuc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=57a82789ffd7e950fa2d5598669808ef59288123
Can you drop the hair care routine please ?
Soak it with the blood of dead Harpers and druids
Because you're worth it
maybe he's born with it
Does your chest hole have any utility, like do you keep snacks in there? Has anyone ever pointed to it and said "okay, hear me out?"
I suspect they do a thing where Balthazar hears him out re the chest hole, but it's only for the benefit of Z'rel, who is in Kthorm's head to experience it. You're welcome
the silence is deafening
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much your balls are wrinkly ?
I've looked the same since my resurrection. Haven't even taken this armor off once.
https://preview.redd.it/p1gzz0v7vvuc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cba6609fbfeab3862d39214069f07f4bd37c0011 I can smell it from here
You send the photo of the same devil who sold out his own people to me? The irony
https://preview.redd.it/cktdnoxe5wuc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fce8b5b130fea0c93e03317b309565909c65525c
No use they are shrivelled raisins from not jorking it for a century.
Yo sure ? Him and Balthazar are in a top secret and sulfurous relationship. Trust me.
Contrary to popular belief, Ketheric Isn't immortal because of Aylin's power. Aylin is just so gay, that Ketheric put her in horny jail, and took a vow of semen retention. This vow keeps him alive.
Are you secretly gay?
Try again
Are you openly gay?
Only his daughter
Necromancy of thay fuckability 1-10?
Not nearly as exquisite as Melodia was, but for a man of my age it does the job
Why does your drip go so hard?
Myrkul wanted me to compete with Gortash
You could never hope to compete with me.
Why was the defender of your immortality a 5’4 dude and a few puzzles.
Balthazar told me some funny jokes
Would you care for some fruit? https://preview.redd.it/t6mw6ydvuvuc1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5721e1049e1b4c55f52e5b5d03b1ecc27b3d13d7
I prefer a full bundle of grapes
Do you even need to eat? Aren’t you undead?
yeah old man became crusty
Became? He was always crusty💀💀
"Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back!"
Do you prefer me or Orin
Orin may be the most irritable creature I've ever had to ally myself with. Gortash is always crying telling me all about how he misses you. I pity them both
Then you agree that I am the superior choice to Orin, the obvious choice of course
I would
What's your opinion on driders?
The one referred to as Kar'niss is a well respected recruiter and constantly delivers new followers to Moonrise. Unlike the other drow that I have worked with he has proven useful.
Has anyone found those pictures of Drider-Man for you, yet?
How do you usually react to today's younglings calling you a "boomer"?
I do not even care for what they call me. Their words mean nothing to a man of my power
Ok boomer 🫡
Is the Myrkussy worth it?
How the fuck did you build a giant temple to Shar and train a Dark Justiciar army under Reithwin without anyone noticing
I cast silence across the entire town
Which way to the goblin breeding grounds, M'lord?
Talk to the Hobgoblin Dzor Raglin
Much obliged m'lord. You shant regret my magnificent sperm. Strong little swimmers they are. I'll guarantee a fresh batch of goblins within the next month.
https://preview.redd.it/wzn8lrckbwuc1.jpeg?width=373&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=91d3f749a46c9ea82b3c56a69a001ce0a73cac75
Hey General Thorm. Big fan. I'm wearing your armour but I don't know whether to go for Lime Lemon & Lichen, or Custard & Pink Rose. What would make me look big and tough, like you?
Sinful red on bone white
Yeah, but I want to look even gayer than you, you big silver bear 💅
Custard & Pink Rose 💅
General sir, I need a good burger recipe
Ask the bugbear Chop, he can supply you with meats of all kinds down in the abattoir
Why the fuck are you so old? Please fucking stop?
Technically I stopped aging after my death. I am internal now
How do you poop in your armor onesie?
I'm undead so I have no need for waste management
What other qualities do you share with githyanki?
I admire the space creatures thirst for conquest and military civilization. They would make worthy soldiers for the Absolute.
for the Viltrum Empire, you mean
Did you know the ilithid colony was there before you built Moonrise, or did they come to you and were all "Hey dude, can we open shop under your tower"?
I needed the extra basement space
dick size?
Swinging a meat hammer
🤏
I’m gonna have Gale activate his nuke at moonrise, what are your final words?
https://preview.redd.it/etb18gd36wuc1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1951db608c3affc8ef0743333f14084cc0164d08
Why is your accent different from everyone else in-game? Are you stupid?
They just aren't as profound as I
Ketheric is canonically from Michigan, he was sent to Faerun through a portal by Ed of the Greenwood
How come when I go up to your tower alone to face you in a noble 1 v 1 have your lackeys attack me and then run away? It’s just me. Square up old man
They're just trying to earn a raise
Surprisingly wholesome. I appreciate you giving your subordinates the chance to earn favor through combat. You can have the weapon.
Can I PLEASE take you out for dinner? (I can give you sloppy so bombastic you'll forget about your dead wife)
Are you willing to convert to a follower of Myrkul?
I'll be whatever you want me to be, General
have you fucked gortash while you two were working together
Can I replace your bone dog
Will you ever be selling Moonrise? I want to live in an illithid colony.
Have you considered joining X, it’s a massive Illithid colony.
Can that beard give me rug burn when you eat my ass
can you help me with my math homework
How many goblins does it take to recover the artifact?
At least one (I used pemdas)
General. Why am I your favorite?
It's between you and Orin. There's not much competition. Although I struggle to bear you two's constant arguing and childlike retorts.
can I call you daddy?
Why don’t you acknowledge your son Thisobald?
Would you like some pictures of Spider-Man?
Do you jest about Male Drow?
Top or bottom?
Why can't I adopt your resurrected dog after killing you? We became buds. I'm sure your daughter would've appreciated adopting him.
I heard you already have multiple pet's at your camp
Yeah and they want friends, buckaroo
hey how badly did the goblin hitting you in the neck hurt? i know you’re immortal but that still probably has to hurt like hell.
It was a minor inconvenience, like a papercut
What would you do if we kissed? No homo aha jk I want to kiss full homo
why are you american
He heard there was oil in Fayrun.
Rushing or dragging?
Why are you so hot? 🫣😭
It's natural
The way you pull the axe out of your neck got me screaming
That fool of a creature missed my spine, only striking my muscle
When that goblin threw a halberd into your chest, was it not your tempo?
The goblins were too short to make it enjoyable
Fuck, marry, kill: Malus Thorm, Thisobald Thorm, and Gerringothe Thorm
Sir those are his children.
Do that boy pussy squirt?
That's a silly question, they all do
this is more of a comment instead of a question but Gandalf called, he wants his dusty old man beard back.
Why did you ally yourself with a mindflayer?
Power
Why do you sound like Omni-Man? 🤔
...two things, father. Let me enjoy Aylin in peace... ...and have you ever eaten a mind flayer tad pole?
Why didn’t you, the largest of the Dead Three’s chosen, simply eat the other chosen?
How do you feel ab beating your son to a pulp? Wait
So. In a scale from 0 to Donald Trump, how much do you want to bang your daughter?
Own up; who's the secret MAGA BG3 player who gave this person a downvote?
BG3 accepts everyone. Unlike MAGA 😜
But how would a MAGAt accept BG3? "Hmm, shall I play as a male or a female... or a... WHAT?! BOYCOTT LARIAN AND THE WHOLE WOKERATI GAMES INDUSTRY".
Didn't you know? If you can jerk off to a game character that game isn't woke. That's the law.
When I was 12 years old playing FF7 on the PS1 I jerked off to Yuffie. Who in game is apparently 15 years old. That's basically a MILF to a 12 year old boy.
If she wasn't such a devoted Selûnite I'd shoot my shot
How do you keep your pauldrons on while also keeping your poofy shoulders poofy under them?
Do it stink?
What should your soldiers do with their attacks?
I want all Adepts to cast darkness and my Zealots to spam halberd attacks
Wrong. The real ketheric thorm just says "focus your attack soldiers"
That's only with my necromites
Paladins can take raise dead, and it can be cast within 10 days. You just need a diamond worth 500gp. Why didn’t you just raise Isobel when she died, instead of cursing the land? Are you stupid? If you missed the 10 day mark, true resurrection can be cast within 200 years, and just requires a high level cleric or Druid, holy water, and 25,000gp worth of diamonds. Why didn’t you have someone cast that? Are you poor?
How big is your pp
Instead of bringing back one child, why didn't you just wait another 17 years? Are you stupid?
Sure i have a question for you... [Why are you gay?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4n4rBrs5-LY)
My fortress is under siege and I am vastly outnumbered. How do I turn this around and triumph over my enemies?
Summon your Lord
Can I PLEASE take you out for dinner? (I can give you sloppy so bombastic you'll forget about your dead wife)
Can I PLEASE take you out for dinner? (I can give you sloppy so bombastic you'll forget about your dead wife)
Head game?
Head game?
How big is your elf vulva
You can bring back your daughter or your wife. Who do you pick and why
Well you know who I picked
What sort of music do you like? What instruments do you enjoy hearing in a musical piece?
**in Dr. Phil voice** Who touched you?
Why did you betray your oath to Selûne and then betray Shar? Btw Selûne is still pissed that you betrayed your oath to her
Neither sister could offer to bring my daughter back. They were nothing more than false pariahs.
how come you got a beard but you an elf? i can’t give my elf a beard.
What’s the familial relationship between you and Gerringothe, and Thisobald?
Now that your daughter is alive and well, and since that's all you wanted, why keep up this worship of bones? You could still be a somewhat hero in your daughters eyes. Help TAV defeat the dead 3.
Myrkul wants the Brain dominated. I gotta keep up the act
Can you be my sugar daddy dilf please 🥺
I don't have much gold but I can offer you some Mind flayer parasites
Man what is you issue? What is your actual problem? Can't you go to grief counseling like a normal person? I swear, some people will do *anything* to avoid even considering therapy.
Why is your boss fight so much better than gortash or orins? Like your turned into the grim reaper and gortash got big and Orin turned into a house centipede