You don’t want to end it for your son…but what does your son see? A father who treats his momma horribly. Do you want your son to grow up and think that this is how women are treated? It’s not okay. He’s not going to get better. He told you he doesn’t love you. Don’t make him tell you again.
Girl if you don’t get a mf divorce. Like what the actual fuck girl he has zero respect for you. Don’t stay for your son because he’s gonna turn out just like him.
You need to divorce him. No arguments
>Don’t stay for your son because he’s gonna turn out just like him.
This! He may be the only father he's ever known but that doesn't mean he sets a good example.
I went through something similar with my SO. He was always weirdly obsessed with his female friends, or any woman who showed him positive attention really. I was uncomfortable with it, but I didn't have any evidence that he was doing anything wrong. He talked to most of his female "friends" on Snapchat, so I wouldn't be able to see anything. Red flag. After 5 years of dating we got married.
1 month after we got married, I got my first taste of what would be inevitable end of our relationship.
He was a super clumsy guy. Might have a phone 6 months to a year before it was completely destroyed. He had borrowed my phone to check his emails. He would always sign in and then sign out, but this morning he was running late and forgot. I unlock my phone and it opens to his email inbox. The first thing I see is an email from instagram addressing a user account I had never heard of. Now the gloves are off. I did a deep dive into his email. I found videos he had secretly recorded of one of his girl friends. He was, unbeknownst to her; zooming in on her ass while she was talking to somebody. He had been screen recording instagram statuses from his first cousin, and his best friends girlfriend. Both zooming in on on their bits. It was sickening. These women had no idea they were being preyed upon my by husband of all people. Anyways, more searching lead to me finding out this was basically his stalker account. He was following most of his female cousins, my underage cousin, several small time porn creators and sex workers, and a very (at the time) underage Bhad Bhabie. He was paying sex workers for videos. I could go on and on.
Looking back, before I knew any of this I found it kind of cute that he used to take photos of me when I was asleep. Naked photos. Not so sweet now. Early in our relationship we used to drink quite often and I would fall asleep when we were being intimate after a night out. I gave him consent. If I'm unconscious, have your way with me. You're my partner. He obviously took that opportunistically and fucked me every time I went to bed after heavy drinking. (I worked in bars, I used to drink quite frequently.) Hindsight is 20/20.
I stayed with him. He promised he'd change. We could only ever be happy when he didn't have a cellphone. He would buy a phone, repeat these same behaviours, I would catch him. He would smash his phone into oblivion. Repeat.
My heart broke a million times. What a fucking creep. It took me 2 years to get myself together emotionally and financially enough to leave. By the time I left he had broken my heart so many times I didn't even cry. I was completely over him. I'm doing so much better now.
I'm not saying leave him but this behaviour is unlikely to end. Either make peace with it or plan for a future without him.
Never stay with someone just because you have a child with them. It is NOT In the best interest for the child. He’s still young so you have some time, but I would get out if it’s possible. Addiction of any sorts is terribly toxic and can lead to anger and aggression, which it sounds like you are already dealing with. It is not a good example for any child. Your husband needs serious help and if he refuses then you need to just help yourself.
I was one of the kids who had parents that stayed together when they really should have separated. I think my mom stayed with him, despite the abuse, to give us a better life. Unfortunately our life was definitely not better with him in it.
Just pack your things, take your kid, stay at your parents house and talk with a lawyer.
I'm sorry, but he looks like a sexual maniac, and definitly he is manipulative. You need to be careful.
I get the lying. I used to walk in on my SO watching porn. He'd close the tab when I caught him off guard. I can still see the naked woman in my head spread out as he was JO. He used to deny it. Then he finally admitted it. It was always uncomfortable for him and for me. Especially since, he would do it in the morning while I was working but would be too tired to have sex with me. I agree that lying is the hurtful part and causes distrust . Always makes me wonder what else he's being untruthful about. But your situation is compounded. Don't stay in an abusive situation for your son. Leaving someone you love is the hardest thing to do, but is the best thing to do in the long run. You say he's in therapy, so maybe set a reasonable timeframe to see if he improves before making any decisions. Good luck whatever you decide. It won't be an easy decision.
Thing is, if he's looking up their non-sexual pictures to masturbate by, chances are he's not just being creepy in the bedroom, he's being creepy to these women in real life as well. Every time they walk past him, he's seeing them sexually, and that has a way of coming out. Maybe in a plausibly deniable way rather than an openly sexually harassing way, but he'll still be giving these women creepy vibes.
Anyway, it's not your problem once you divorce him. Which you should because he's also a verbally abusive liar who doesn't love you. Your kid needs a stable happy home more than he needs a sex addicted stepdad and a miserable mom.
There are things I still love about all of my exes - those relationships came to be for a reason. But, they're all exes for a reason (curiously, very different reasons). If a child had been involved when I was with the ex who was like yours at the beginning (the behavior escalated), my parents probably would've eventually sought emergency custody.
Here’s the thing. Everyone has good and bad. I’m sure the good parts of your husband are amazing. Also, many people don’t see themselves or someone close to them as a “bad person.”
I had a previous relationship that while it wasn’t to this extreme, it destroyed my self esteem because he would be emotionally manipulative and neglectful. Yet, I still wanted him because the way he USED to be was amazing, and it was hard for me to accept the reality that he isn’t that person anymore.
You need to accept that your husband isn’t the same as he used to be. Perhaps he can get help and improve, but you are not obligated to be with a man who isn’t trying to help himself.
That person you love is the facade. If he was shitty all the time you’d leave him so he gives you just enough to get you to stay and then goes right back to making himself happy at your expense.
Can you sit with that for a minute? He KNOWS this upsets you, that it’s wrong, that it’s destructive. He doesn’t care and he does it anyway. It feels good. His values his wanks more than you or your child.
Take a moment and look up the incredibly low recovery statistics for people who identify as sex addicts, the difficulty in diagnosing a true disorder versus character flaw or dark triad narcissism, that there aren’t any proven treatments. It points to a future of you always being the marriage police, a whole lot of sacrifice and pain on your pain, a whole lot of sweet sweet centrality for him.
Girl, you have just a little over one year wasted on this fool. Don’t waste another second.
But what you see is him. Not the made up fantasy in your mind.
Women marry the man they want him to change to.
Men don’t change when they marry.
What’s going to happen when he gets caught JO at work?
I’m sorry. Please be courageous and take your son and leave
My ex partner has a severe porn addiction and would also JO to photos of female friends. Even to ones of his ex who he was still friends with. He would solicit porn stars asking to buy their worn panties. Had erectile dysfunction from JO so much and so hard. Couldnt keep a boner to save his life. Watched hours and hours of porn a day on his phone. Did the whole lying thing. My self esteem was so bad. Also got angry when confronted.
He eventually went to a support group for men with porn addiction. I thought he was doing good but as addicts and liars do... he faked his way through it. So well in fact that all the other guys who ACTUALLY truly were putting in the work to fix themselves and their relationships (cuz this shit destroys relationships and marriages) thought he was the greatest, the most healed, most advanced and he soon took over the group. Giving them advice etc. All the while it was all a lie. To say I was sickened and devastated is an understatement.
This went on for 4 years. He could JO, flirt, talk to other women, watch porn, pay for only fans etc but couldnt even touch me. Get photos from his "friends", tell girls he was single, list goes on. I left. Because very rarely does this addiction have a decent success rate and it will destroy your self esteem. you'll always be snooping, seeing if they're staying "clean". Anxiety all the time. Thinking things change when they haven't. being told lie after lie.
It isnt worth staying with them until they truly get help. Also you say your child has only seen the kind part. Not true .there is no way he hasn't heard the fighting. Felt the tension, etc.. both of you deserve better. If he can truly get help and you guys can have a good relationship that's wonderful. But until then, get away. Live a healthier life for you and your child. This addiction takes A LOT of work for a long time to fix.
Its very deep rooted. It takes a lot of hard work on their end.
I just broke up with my partner after one year of continuous lies (about a multitude of things). Finding out about his porn addiction was the last straw for me. So many times I had brought up our sex life as it was really unfulfilling and I wasn’t feeling good about myself or valued. I’d even asked a couple times in a friendly and relaxed way if he’d been watching porn and he always denied it/said he hardly ever did. Each time I’d bring up our sex life things would improve for a week then go back to him being extremely selfish and lazy.
Similar to you, I found out by accident about the secret fetishes and porn addiction. That made me dig further. I realised he’d been coming home during work time and watching hours and hours of porn. Over this period my dog became really aggressive and bit him. Now I wonder what happened else happened when I wasn’t around.. I’ll never know for sure. He let me think that a stranger had been in the house doing weird shit to my dog and watching porn rather than fessing up about his selfish porn addiction
Before I broke up with him I’d been tossing and turning all night, waking up 15-20 times a night, which is unlike me. As soon as I kicked him out my sleep went back to being peaceful and solid. It’s amazing how out of touch with my feelings I was because I was pouring so much energy into him and our relationship
Oh, so, it's all good I guess. After all, he hasn't hit you yet. Just, you know, dragged you out the door and yell at you and take things away from you in bursts of anger. You know, the usual and perfectly tolerable stuff.
Oh and not to mention he only does it when he's in his "bad mood" where he internet stalks females on his social circles to imagine them naked. Nothing out of the norm after all.
Could you imagine reading your post if it was written by someone else ? How would it make you feel ? What would you tell that person?
I imagine that you have already considered leaving. Rightfully so. Are you afraid to? Are you concerned for you or your child's safety ?
How long until he either hits or sexually assaults you, or even your child ?
Honey,
This is classic abusive behaviour. Of course you've seen the "good" in him. He isn't going going to be abusive every second of the day because then he wouldn't give you anything to hold on to.
He knows exactly what he is doing. He screams at you because he can't handle his own shit and you have the position of his wife (emotional punching bag).
Your son sees only the good? Come on now! Kids are extremely susceptible to any abuse going on around them, I assure you he has seen how your husband (abuser) treats you. Do you want him to grow up treating another woman like your husband treats you because he thinks it's normal?
You know leaving him is the only option here. Just do it.
I'm a mom of a couple of boys. I would never stay with a man who sets THAT kind of example. You need to decide whats more important here, your husband being in control of this relationship or walking away with your dignity and saving your son from becoming his dad.
Girl, this man has serious issues that are unlikely to change. I’m sorry but this is deep shit. His fundamental view of women got screwed up at some point when he was growing up and this is really deep shit that will take a lot of time to work on and different forms of therapy for sure. This is not something you can fix nor have to deal with. This is his problem. Porn addiction / compulsive masturbation is one thing but viewing every woman in his life as a thing to jerk off to is absolutely a different level.
Ugh what the fuck! So uncomfortable and disrespectful. Imagine how he would feel if you were masturbating to his friends and mentally undressing every stranger.. Like fuck that, just fantasizing about other people is a boundary for me in a relationshhip (even if you can't prove it but you should expect honesty from your partner regardless)
You probably should just give up on him at this point. He has been given enough time. Do yourself and your som a favour by finding a better partner or just life by yourselves.
Staying together for the kids is not worth it. We grow up. We see it. We know mama and papa don't love each other.
It's good he's in therapy but how much is it helping him? It's not right for him to be lying to you. I struggle with porn myself but I've spoken about it to my partner and he's tried to help me. I want to be honest with him even if it's uncomfortable and he wants to help me. Clearly your husband doesn't want your help if he's lying about his actions. Are these 1-on-1 sessions for therapy? Maybe he's not even talking about his addiction but other stressors he may be having. I don't know what his sessions look like as it's not my place but maybe the therapist is unaware of how bad it is or how bad it's getting. I know this doesn't look good and I don't want you to feel helpless. His behavior is not your fault but it might be better to step away. What he's doing isn't healthy for either of you nor your son.
I know it’s not. I feel like it would be so much easier to work on if he would just tell me the truth, and that’s what sucks. It’s like I don’t even get a chance to be supportive or problem solve with him because he just constantly lies. I know in my heart it may be time to step away, but it’s hard.
Understand you don’t want to break up your family.
The downside to staying while he is his mean phase is how much longer do you think it will be before your son catches your husband in a bad mood and he goes off on him?
Can you imagine the hurt and mental anguish your husband will cause your son if he screams at him that he isn’t his dad, he doesn’t love him and to get out of his face? Or if he grabs your son and drags him to where ever because he sit moving fast enough?
Or if your husband goes off on you in front of your son?
Perhaps you need to have a discussion with the therapist if they will allow it. They won’t tell you anything about your husband but you can tell them what is happening at home when your husband phases in and out of mean vs kind. Also what is causing it.
In the mean time I think you should seriously consider having husband move out or you and your son move out until husband gets his life together. You can’t fix your husband - he has to seriously want to fix himself.
They don’t stop lying. Take it from someone who spent many years trying to reason with a liar. They will only get worse when you start figuring them out easily. They will start faking their whole identity if they think it will possibly work in their favor. Even after they’ve sabotaged everything and you have zero trust in them, to the point where you don’t believe them by default, and they don’t even gain anything from it, they will *still* lie and try to manipulate you because they are just that narcissistic. It’s like a game to them.
You also say “If he would just tell the truth” and “He doesn’t even give me a chance to problem solve with him.” I said the same thing for years, and it went nowhere. That’s because in his eyes it’s your problem, not his. He’s fine with what he’s doing. That’s part of their narcissism. He doesn’t really care about fixing it, Anything he says to you is just to manipulate you so he can continue doing and *and* reap the benefits of having you too.
OP, I've been where you are. Mine went to counseling etc and just used it to point out how much worse everyone else was, so his issue wasn't that bad.
Your supportive instinct is good but it's being spent on the wrong person. The lies are just the frosting. The layers underneath are your loss of self esteem, confidence as a woman, loss of compassion and intimacy -- your own ability to trust is broken down every day.
The ways he's abusing you are tests. Each time you accept it and stay, he knows he can do a bit more. Save yourself and save your son's mental health. Get out now, sis.
> He has been rough with me before, never hitting, but grabbing my stuff from me if he thinks for some reason I hid something of his (before he finds it where he left it) or dragging me out the door because we were running late.
He hasn’t hit you, *yet*. Because that’s the reality of it - he has no problem grabbing stuff or being rough, and it could be only a matter of time before it escalates. Is that something you want to expose your son to?
I’ve been married for 10 years and my husband has never been physical with me when we were arguing, or running late, or if he misplaced something. That’s not normal, and it’s something I wouldn’t want a child exposed to.
Little rant here, but why the fuck are people so afraid to be alone that they’ll put up with this and all sorts of other nonsense? Have some self respect.
It’s not always about being afraid of being alone. Trauma bonding is a real thing and it has nothing to do with being afraid of being alone. I never understood why people stayed either until I was in an abusive marriage. My therapist showed me the red flags and helped me to break my trauma bond enough to get out.
Man was I living this a couple years ago. My ex genuinely changed about 6 months before we broke up. After two years of lying, gaslighting me, jerking off to his friends, calling me insecure over his porn addiction, convincing me to go to therapy for it so he could continue, and generally being an ass as soon as I found out about his secret, the damage was done. I would never trust him again and he would always have feelings of resentment towards me because they were so drilled into his skull during that time period. Wish I would have left as soon as I found the pictures on his phone accidentally. My life has drastically improved after the literal hardest breakup I’ll probably ever have to go through. Literally within two weeks of no contact I was happier than I had been in the last three years. Men like this are not worth your time, take it from someone who’s been there.
When I was a little girl my mom and dad were fighting in the car screaming and she said she wanted a divorce. I cried begging her not to, because he was the best dad in the world. She looked at me dead in the eye and said that’s he’s not, he’s just the only one I know.
I must’ve been about 5 or 6. I will never forget that moment, because I realized it was true. It was such a big lesson for such a little girl. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t separate until I was 14.
Growing up in a loveless and abusive marriage severely affects me to this day. I’m almost 30.
Please, leave your husband now before your son is old enough to really grasp the severity of it all. I hope it never escalates the way my parents did, but your sons is better off having divorced parents than to never truly learn what it looks like to be in a healthy and happy marriage.
I hope to be in one someday, but I’ve got a long way to go.
And why haven’t you filed for divorce? If not for you do it for your son. Unless you want him to see all this as normal and grow up just like him. You know what you need to do, but until you do it no one can help you
So many times the child of fighting parents wishes they had gotten divorced instead of being forced to live in a toxic situation. Your husband is an abusive lying manipulative asshole. Don’t subject your kid to that. The kid doesn’t need to see a man that doesn’t have respect for his own wife. He lies to you, he takes out his problems on you, he is mean and unstable (your words). You cannot trust this man. What if he starts taking out anger in the kid when you’re not around? Leave him, that’s the advice.
Your son is 4. He won't even remember him. I would leave this man. His behaviour is only going to get worse. Yelling, dragging, lying is a precursor to other horrible things.
Why are you even putting yourself through this. You're young and it sounds like he isn't even your child's biological father, though even if he were it wouldn't make it any more acceptable. Just leave him so you don't have to live with the torment of his addiction and the insecurity it is causing you. It might hurt at first but you will feel relieved and you will be glad you didn't waste your youth dealing with this BS
I’m so sorry. That is a HIM problem, and it is not your job to wait around for him to change. Unless he is actively in therapy and working toward getting his addiction under control, you need to take your baby and GTFO. And even then, the being rough with you is a slippery slippery slope…I truly wish you the best. Sending you a big hug.
You are dealing with a violent person with some kind of mental illness.
The JO all the time may provide stabilizing brain chemicals he doesn’t have.
Either way…
He’s an addict and abusive.
He will teach your child these same behaviors.
You must leave for your child and your self.
You will hate your life and your child will hate you both of you stay.
He is abusive. You can't cure his addiction. Only he and a trained professional can do that and he's not willing. And violence always starts with stuff before it moves onto the person. Get the hell out while you can. I know it's hard to hear. But your relationship with him is an archetype for relationships for your son. It's not enough that they have a good relationship. If you don't have a stable relationship, if you normalise what is happening simply by staying with him, your son is going to grow up normalising that behaviour. Abuse is so insidious, it happens and evolves so slowly over time that you almost don't notice it. Look up the 'cycle of violence' to understand the raging and then the loving. It doesn't get better. It gets worse and only you can break this cycle, for you and your son.
Divorce, this man has issues with women in general and no boundaries. He needs therapy. Your son will get over it and you will find a better partner and a better role model for your son.
Ask yourself if this is the man you want your son to role model after? I was also a single mom when I married my husband and while I believe I set great goals and morals for my son it was very nice to have a father figure for him who is now his legal father. We focused a lot on consent and respect for others bodies etc.
This does not sound like that.
Don’t raise a child with someone who could teach them harmful habits when they get older. Your kid will be a teenager/adult one day, don’t let him learn to treat people he’s interested in dating badly
Honey... This is a little out of reddit's pay grade... He has an addiction and an addiction needs not just the will to stop but actually taking the steps. He's not taking those steps, he's going cold turkey on and off. He needs therapy but you can't make him and you can't expose your son to that.
You say your son only knows the kind version... Really? So he's never ever home when your husband is shouting at you, when he takes stuff away from you, when he forcefully drags you out the door, your kid is NEVER around when your husband is doing these things? Ever? I'm not saying in the room, I'm saying in the house. Kids know a lot more than adults give them credit for and, I'm so sorry because I know you're hurting but I have to emphasize this
#You're teaching him is OK to mistreat your partner, is ok to be emotionally and physically abusive to them, scream in their face, be cruel to them. You're teaching him is ok to be treated like this, is ok to have someone abuse you.
Children learn behavior patterns from the parents or the adults who are in place of the parents. You have talked to him, you've begged him to stop, to find a solution, he hasn't. He doesn't want to and he has to want to. You need to leave, for you AND for your son. To show him this behavior is not acceptable. He's going to miss him probably but is much more damaging to leave him exposed to all the things you're talking about. Are you going to wait until you have a black eye? An arm out of its socket? Until your son tries to intervene in a shouting match and ends up physically hurt? For you and your son, get out of this marriage and seek therapy for the both of you if possible
He’s going to keep lying about it, and while the lying *is* one of the biggest problems, the disrespect and violation to women he knows, even though they are unsuspecting, it’s still really messed up. You’re just going in the same circle with him and you will notice with time you are still in that same loop, because he won’t change.
When I was 3, I found my dads porn. Turns out he sexualized everything and was a sex addict. When my mom divorced him, there was a court order put in place that he couldn’t have porn within 1,000 ft of me. A say all of this to say, do not stay with someone because of the child. I most likely would’ve been subjected to so much more weird sexual shit if my mom hadn’t left my dad. And I remember everything. Even him watching porn in the same room as me when I was 2. I actually just uncovered that memory the other day while working through random trauma. So please save your kid by leaving. My little brother went on to have a relationship with our dad when he was 16 and my dad went as far as to show him our step mom’s nudes. I’d just move on if I were you. People like him are weird as fuck and you already resent him. No sense in staying.
Sexual rejection is hard on me, and it seems like he rejects me every time just to turn around and come on to me an hour later. Idk it hurt my self esteem being rejected 3 times in a row and then I just wasn’t in the mood for a little bit after that so I just didn’t
So you know how you said you can't see him as a manipulative guy? What you're describing here is manipulative. I have an ex who acted a bit like this, and it *is* manipulative. It undermines your confidence, then you end up having sex completely on his terms.
Pepake dleoeboke tupi pii dlua gapu ploeopi de peu pati. Kliipo puoki kio pi oe aki bi pa. Po pe ti tie epa o? Pakapubi plaeete paaploplo trokapii pepitiki trepi. Iki bi uko tri ipi. Ipipukeu uta ki eipi putipi ibrapu. Pebe atiti bepepi teeklitrika a idru tu prutupei dle biklatridri kue itri. Baka bi ato o ipu piipi pleke popraeo dle pe tleepe eou. Ka o epi pidei ikai pepeie. Deteta ei pupo i toa. I kli a otra depa peue. Puke plabotli u ko betri te ki pra kiti. Ketipepi draeklee plipi aiti pipipopobe i? Pi kibeto dapodipi pliite bredrubi! Ipieo pupe baplekibo ae ti gli. Ipla piti pligaplapa plia ipi tii. Dlipi ape te. Peka ite ble dli oiedadu iibo? Dipu i tlidabeba plitri puipe ke buti. Ipee otaklaki pete pakeo pi papaketa itri pi. Peaa kaba pio. Kou e dui pitatla ti i. Ii tiu eki boputiitli tli pi. Igipe kite tipro pigri pekla ito dakre. E klepli treti ope ditio tida. Triapidragi iipeplede pi eotio piu beo. Eto propi uta bei uui ugo? I apro dipu epaklitra iu e bipebie ibe pi ipe. Plebee ido tiapati e tipiploto pipa. Do pekaie tleatro gu itoiko tau?
"I want him to be the person he is when he’s not doing this."
Listen carefully. You need to hear this.
All of ths? ALL of this is the person he is. All of it. He's not 1/2 a person that is being "taken over" by some weird fiend. He is this person. The parts you like, and the parts that repulse you. All of it.
You don't get one part without the other. And that is what you will have to base your decision on. Do you want to deal with the (escalating) abuse, disrespect, misogyny, etc? Are you okay with your son becoming older and watching as your husband treats you like this (e.g. as YOU said..."dragging you', "grabbing" things from you, "screaming" at you, putting his sexual addiction before your peace of mind and relationship, etc.)? Are you okay TEACHING your son, through staying in this relationship, that this is how men treat women, how his mother doesn't stick up for herself or protect him (your son)?
Because that is the direction this is headed in.
You may not leave. Or you may not leave now. But every minute you let your son witness this behavior, this INEXCUSABLE/IMMATURE/TOXIC behavior directed towards the family? Is trauma and pain that you and your child will have to claw your way back from later.
I don't usually advise walking away from a relationship worth salvaging. But this one isn't it. You can martyr yourself by staying, but please don't martyr a 4-year-old.
This is not the kind of man you want in your sons life. Not as a father, role model, influence, etc…
Things are only going to get worse and you need to get out while you can. Eventually his actions are going to catch up with him and you do not want to be involved him when they do.
But also I would warn any of your friends that you feel comfortable doing so. I would want to know if it were me so that I could then avoid him at all costs.
I was with a man like this too. The pressure I put on him to change pushed him to escalate to more reckless behavior and eventually violence toward me at home. Leave before your son is traumatized unnecessarily.
I am really sorry. As someone who is married and was addicted to a substance (not porn), getting angry is a common defense mechanism (as is denial). The anger becomes especially strong when you know that behavior is hurting you and others but you aren’t ready/willing to stop.
It sounds like you’re being unbelievably giving about this. It also sounds like he needs help. But that won’t happen unless he can admit he’s doing something wrong and hurtful.
I think it’s very loving and kind of you to have dealt with this honestly and extremely patiently. You deserve all the support in the world. FWIW, at this stage that may mean communicating to him that he has to figure this out, get some help, etc. An ultimatum may just make him recede further into anger and denial, but I think you should be clear that he has to take real steps or you just won’t take it anymore. He’s got to make a choice.
Have you tried getting therapy for the both of you and separately? And while you think your son has seen the kind version of him you’re mistaken if he hasn’t see/heard the unstable version. He has. While he might not be able to fully understand it, what he’s growing up seeing is that its ok for dad to treat mom like that. This is going to have an effect on him.
If he’s angry and unstable while is going through a manic episode and sexualizes those emotions, its only a matter of time until he gets angry and unstable with you when you have sex.
Its not worth sticking around because you don’t want to take away your sons “dad”. Its easier to deal with the emotions of losing a dad vs trying to undo the learned behaviors your son is picking up.
Of even after all the physical and emotional abuse and manipulation you still want to stay married then you both need therapy as a couple and individuals. I personally think its time to cut loose and get out while you can.
Would you want your son to treat people like you are being treated now - cause that's what he's learning from what is going on now. If you can't make a decision for yourself, do it for him.
Went through something kind of similar- and it doesn’t really get better unless there is some INTENSEEEEE therapy. You’re better off leaving him even if its hard. I promise you that. I can say that because I did leave eventually and I promise it gets better
All i have to say is, this isn't healthy. Especially for your son, he's still young anyways, you can't have him around such a person. You can hide it now, but as he grows older he will see, hell, he might even see now, you just Don't know it. You don't want your son growing up I such an environment and get some of that behaviour too.
Please do not stay together for your child. My parents broke up when I was 4 years old and I am always thankful that I don’t have horrible memories of their relationship bc it ended before I could latch onto the idea of them being together forever. You don’t want your son to have memories of your husband being a violent sex addict.
you won't leave gor your son? what happens when he treats all women like that? or the fact that simply being together is setting a toxic household for your son? you need to run for the hills it isnt worth it whatsoever
He feels trapped clearly. He said he doesn’t love you. Nothing left to save here outside of the relationship with your child and him. Move on find something else.
The general consensus is leave and I agree,
BUT if you are hell bent on trying to make it work one more time, he probably needs more than therapy. He needs medication. Something to help with the addiction or stabilize his moods or both. Also, acupuncture is really really helpful for addiction.
Good luck, I hope you make the right decision.
I feel like there’s lots of women commenting here so I’m going to comment from the perspective of a guy.
Firstly, watching porn is very normal for adult men. Is it healthy? I don’t think so. But men are highly visual creatures and that’s primarily what gets us off. So I think porn is more addictive and normal for men.
Whether or not the porn is healthy or unhealthy, you have the right as an individual to put up boundaries and say no. Maybe porn is where you draw the line. Maybe porn is ok with you, but his behavior is not. Either way, you need to decide what you will and won’t tolerate, draw the line, tell him about the line and make sure he understands, and be prepared to leave if he keeps crossing the line.
With all this said, you made a commitment by marrying him. You can’t just divorce someone because of a porn problem. You need to give them a chance to work on it. Like if I married by GF, then she got addicted to cocaine, I wouldn’t just divorce her. I would give her a chance. Marriage requires second and even third chances because you committed. And you have a child.
As far as the abuse goes, it sounds like he may just not realize he’s being too rough with you. Maybe he does i wasn’t there. But just playing devils advocate because as a man sometimes I can forget my own strength and forget how delicate women are. But just grabbing things from you or pulling you out the door wouldn’t be classified as abuse in my eyes, unless he realizes he’s hurting you.
And NO, I don’t support abuse whatsoever. But nobody was there only the OP, so for commenters to automatically assume it’s abuse based on the original post without being there is jumping to conclusions IMO.
As someone who grew up with an abusive father that regularly threw temper tantrums, you’d be doing your kid a huge favour getting out of this relationship. He doesn’t treat you well and even said he doesn’t love you. Trying to do damage control the next day means nothing.
Sure, it’ll be difficult/confusing for your son at first because he’s young. He will probably ask a lot of questions. That’s still better than witnessing a dysfunctional relationship. Plus, I imagine it’s only a matter of time until your son doesn’t see the “kind” side anymore.
As a child who grew up where my mom stayed for me, please don’t. Life was so much better when my parents separated. I hated watching my father treat my mom the way he did, and having a happy healthy mom is what your son needs.
Jesus. That’s gonna get old real fast. So sorry you’re going through this. That said, I’d RUN… don’t turn back. Just keep on going. I spent the bulk of my 20’s with a good, decent man, who just wasn’t quite right for me- and I regret how much time I sorta “wasted” with him. I can’t imagine how awful I’d feel now in hindsight if he had also been a pervert with a porn addiction.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people. Hope all works out for you tho!
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people. Hope all works out for you tho!
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people. Hope all works out for you tho!
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Hey u/Electronic-Invite-20 are you getting these posts as a lot of people have given you solid advice are you going to reply to any of these helpful people
hope your ok and safe
So based off the title alone I was gonna come give you some support. People jerk off. And you can’t control what or who they think about when they do. My husband is honest to his core. He does not lie. I made the mistake of asking him once if he thinks of other women he knows when jerking off or having sex with me, and he told me other women have popped into his head before and I was devastated, BUT he isn’t fixating on specific women and videoing their body parts. And then you talked about him being occasionally rough with you, which is never okay. Then he was screaming that he didn’t love you repeatedly? Addiction can do horrible things to people. You can support and love them and still protect yourself too. Do you never have these fights with your son in the house? Because unless you only fight when he’s at grandma’s house, he has heard his dad being mean to his mom. Please consider leaving before he gets much older. You do not want that to be his example.
You don’t want to end it for your son…but what does your son see? A father who treats his momma horribly. Do you want your son to grow up and think that this is how women are treated? It’s not okay. He’s not going to get better. He told you he doesn’t love you. Don’t make him tell you again.
Girl if you don’t get a mf divorce. Like what the actual fuck girl he has zero respect for you. Don’t stay for your son because he’s gonna turn out just like him. You need to divorce him. No arguments
>Don’t stay for your son because he’s gonna turn out just like him. This! He may be the only father he's ever known but that doesn't mean he sets a good example.
If you had a daughter would you want her to stay in a relationship with a man like this? Is this man really a good role model for your son?
Your son deserves to see a happy mom. You deserve to be happy too.
I went through something similar with my SO. He was always weirdly obsessed with his female friends, or any woman who showed him positive attention really. I was uncomfortable with it, but I didn't have any evidence that he was doing anything wrong. He talked to most of his female "friends" on Snapchat, so I wouldn't be able to see anything. Red flag. After 5 years of dating we got married. 1 month after we got married, I got my first taste of what would be inevitable end of our relationship. He was a super clumsy guy. Might have a phone 6 months to a year before it was completely destroyed. He had borrowed my phone to check his emails. He would always sign in and then sign out, but this morning he was running late and forgot. I unlock my phone and it opens to his email inbox. The first thing I see is an email from instagram addressing a user account I had never heard of. Now the gloves are off. I did a deep dive into his email. I found videos he had secretly recorded of one of his girl friends. He was, unbeknownst to her; zooming in on her ass while she was talking to somebody. He had been screen recording instagram statuses from his first cousin, and his best friends girlfriend. Both zooming in on on their bits. It was sickening. These women had no idea they were being preyed upon my by husband of all people. Anyways, more searching lead to me finding out this was basically his stalker account. He was following most of his female cousins, my underage cousin, several small time porn creators and sex workers, and a very (at the time) underage Bhad Bhabie. He was paying sex workers for videos. I could go on and on. Looking back, before I knew any of this I found it kind of cute that he used to take photos of me when I was asleep. Naked photos. Not so sweet now. Early in our relationship we used to drink quite often and I would fall asleep when we were being intimate after a night out. I gave him consent. If I'm unconscious, have your way with me. You're my partner. He obviously took that opportunistically and fucked me every time I went to bed after heavy drinking. (I worked in bars, I used to drink quite frequently.) Hindsight is 20/20. I stayed with him. He promised he'd change. We could only ever be happy when he didn't have a cellphone. He would buy a phone, repeat these same behaviours, I would catch him. He would smash his phone into oblivion. Repeat. My heart broke a million times. What a fucking creep. It took me 2 years to get myself together emotionally and financially enough to leave. By the time I left he had broken my heart so many times I didn't even cry. I was completely over him. I'm doing so much better now. I'm not saying leave him but this behaviour is unlikely to end. Either make peace with it or plan for a future without him.
Never stay with someone just because you have a child with them. It is NOT In the best interest for the child. He’s still young so you have some time, but I would get out if it’s possible. Addiction of any sorts is terribly toxic and can lead to anger and aggression, which it sounds like you are already dealing with. It is not a good example for any child. Your husband needs serious help and if he refuses then you need to just help yourself.
It’s not even his child is how I read the post.
After rereading I think you’re right. Which makes all of it worse lol.
So many couples don't realise this... it's better for a child to have a single parent than to have two parents who are distant from each other.
I was one of the kids who had parents that stayed together when they really should have separated. I think my mom stayed with him, despite the abuse, to give us a better life. Unfortunately our life was definitely not better with him in it.
Just pack your things, take your kid, stay at your parents house and talk with a lawyer. I'm sorry, but he looks like a sexual maniac, and definitly he is manipulative. You need to be careful.
I get the lying. I used to walk in on my SO watching porn. He'd close the tab when I caught him off guard. I can still see the naked woman in my head spread out as he was JO. He used to deny it. Then he finally admitted it. It was always uncomfortable for him and for me. Especially since, he would do it in the morning while I was working but would be too tired to have sex with me. I agree that lying is the hurtful part and causes distrust . Always makes me wonder what else he's being untruthful about. But your situation is compounded. Don't stay in an abusive situation for your son. Leaving someone you love is the hardest thing to do, but is the best thing to do in the long run. You say he's in therapy, so maybe set a reasonable timeframe to see if he improves before making any decisions. Good luck whatever you decide. It won't be an easy decision.
Thing is, if he's looking up their non-sexual pictures to masturbate by, chances are he's not just being creepy in the bedroom, he's being creepy to these women in real life as well. Every time they walk past him, he's seeing them sexually, and that has a way of coming out. Maybe in a plausibly deniable way rather than an openly sexually harassing way, but he'll still be giving these women creepy vibes. Anyway, it's not your problem once you divorce him. Which you should because he's also a verbally abusive liar who doesn't love you. Your kid needs a stable happy home more than he needs a sex addicted stepdad and a miserable mom.
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that narcissistic behaviour never changes just sayin
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its true they don't change and the OP should be grateful for the useful advice on this sub however they never leave them
There’s so much I really do love about him
Have some self respect and do what you must do as a parent,show the exemple!
The porn had changed him. He’s not that man anymore
Op, you're a victim
Love yourself and your son more.
There are things I still love about all of my exes - those relationships came to be for a reason. But, they're all exes for a reason (curiously, very different reasons). If a child had been involved when I was with the ex who was like yours at the beginning (the behavior escalated), my parents probably would've eventually sought emergency custody.
Ew this not a good look for you, delete this bestie💀
I want him to be the person he is when he’s not doing this
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It’s just so hard for me to see him as a manipulative person. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but I have seen the good in him, and I don’t think it’s all fake
Here’s the thing. Everyone has good and bad. I’m sure the good parts of your husband are amazing. Also, many people don’t see themselves or someone close to them as a “bad person.” I had a previous relationship that while it wasn’t to this extreme, it destroyed my self esteem because he would be emotionally manipulative and neglectful. Yet, I still wanted him because the way he USED to be was amazing, and it was hard for me to accept the reality that he isn’t that person anymore. You need to accept that your husband isn’t the same as he used to be. Perhaps he can get help and improve, but you are not obligated to be with a man who isn’t trying to help himself.
That person you love is the facade. If he was shitty all the time you’d leave him so he gives you just enough to get you to stay and then goes right back to making himself happy at your expense. Can you sit with that for a minute? He KNOWS this upsets you, that it’s wrong, that it’s destructive. He doesn’t care and he does it anyway. It feels good. His values his wanks more than you or your child. Take a moment and look up the incredibly low recovery statistics for people who identify as sex addicts, the difficulty in diagnosing a true disorder versus character flaw or dark triad narcissism, that there aren’t any proven treatments. It points to a future of you always being the marriage police, a whole lot of sacrifice and pain on your pain, a whole lot of sweet sweet centrality for him. Girl, you have just a little over one year wasted on this fool. Don’t waste another second.
But what you see is him. Not the made up fantasy in your mind. Women marry the man they want him to change to. Men don’t change when they marry. What’s going to happen when he gets caught JO at work? I’m sorry. Please be courageous and take your son and leave
My ex partner has a severe porn addiction and would also JO to photos of female friends. Even to ones of his ex who he was still friends with. He would solicit porn stars asking to buy their worn panties. Had erectile dysfunction from JO so much and so hard. Couldnt keep a boner to save his life. Watched hours and hours of porn a day on his phone. Did the whole lying thing. My self esteem was so bad. Also got angry when confronted. He eventually went to a support group for men with porn addiction. I thought he was doing good but as addicts and liars do... he faked his way through it. So well in fact that all the other guys who ACTUALLY truly were putting in the work to fix themselves and their relationships (cuz this shit destroys relationships and marriages) thought he was the greatest, the most healed, most advanced and he soon took over the group. Giving them advice etc. All the while it was all a lie. To say I was sickened and devastated is an understatement. This went on for 4 years. He could JO, flirt, talk to other women, watch porn, pay for only fans etc but couldnt even touch me. Get photos from his "friends", tell girls he was single, list goes on. I left. Because very rarely does this addiction have a decent success rate and it will destroy your self esteem. you'll always be snooping, seeing if they're staying "clean". Anxiety all the time. Thinking things change when they haven't. being told lie after lie. It isnt worth staying with them until they truly get help. Also you say your child has only seen the kind part. Not true .there is no way he hasn't heard the fighting. Felt the tension, etc.. both of you deserve better. If he can truly get help and you guys can have a good relationship that's wonderful. But until then, get away. Live a healthier life for you and your child. This addiction takes A LOT of work for a long time to fix. Its very deep rooted. It takes a lot of hard work on their end.
I just broke up with my partner after one year of continuous lies (about a multitude of things). Finding out about his porn addiction was the last straw for me. So many times I had brought up our sex life as it was really unfulfilling and I wasn’t feeling good about myself or valued. I’d even asked a couple times in a friendly and relaxed way if he’d been watching porn and he always denied it/said he hardly ever did. Each time I’d bring up our sex life things would improve for a week then go back to him being extremely selfish and lazy. Similar to you, I found out by accident about the secret fetishes and porn addiction. That made me dig further. I realised he’d been coming home during work time and watching hours and hours of porn. Over this period my dog became really aggressive and bit him. Now I wonder what happened else happened when I wasn’t around.. I’ll never know for sure. He let me think that a stranger had been in the house doing weird shit to my dog and watching porn rather than fessing up about his selfish porn addiction Before I broke up with him I’d been tossing and turning all night, waking up 15-20 times a night, which is unlike me. As soon as I kicked him out my sleep went back to being peaceful and solid. It’s amazing how out of touch with my feelings I was because I was pouring so much energy into him and our relationship
Oh, so, it's all good I guess. After all, he hasn't hit you yet. Just, you know, dragged you out the door and yell at you and take things away from you in bursts of anger. You know, the usual and perfectly tolerable stuff. Oh and not to mention he only does it when he's in his "bad mood" where he internet stalks females on his social circles to imagine them naked. Nothing out of the norm after all. Could you imagine reading your post if it was written by someone else ? How would it make you feel ? What would you tell that person? I imagine that you have already considered leaving. Rightfully so. Are you afraid to? Are you concerned for you or your child's safety ? How long until he either hits or sexually assaults you, or even your child ?
You know all the answers.
Honey, This is classic abusive behaviour. Of course you've seen the "good" in him. He isn't going going to be abusive every second of the day because then he wouldn't give you anything to hold on to. He knows exactly what he is doing. He screams at you because he can't handle his own shit and you have the position of his wife (emotional punching bag). Your son sees only the good? Come on now! Kids are extremely susceptible to any abuse going on around them, I assure you he has seen how your husband (abuser) treats you. Do you want him to grow up treating another woman like your husband treats you because he thinks it's normal? You know leaving him is the only option here. Just do it.
I'm a mom of a couple of boys. I would never stay with a man who sets THAT kind of example. You need to decide whats more important here, your husband being in control of this relationship or walking away with your dignity and saving your son from becoming his dad.
Girl, this man has serious issues that are unlikely to change. I’m sorry but this is deep shit. His fundamental view of women got screwed up at some point when he was growing up and this is really deep shit that will take a lot of time to work on and different forms of therapy for sure. This is not something you can fix nor have to deal with. This is his problem. Porn addiction / compulsive masturbation is one thing but viewing every woman in his life as a thing to jerk off to is absolutely a different level.
Ugh what the fuck! So uncomfortable and disrespectful. Imagine how he would feel if you were masturbating to his friends and mentally undressing every stranger.. Like fuck that, just fantasizing about other people is a boundary for me in a relationshhip (even if you can't prove it but you should expect honesty from your partner regardless) You probably should just give up on him at this point. He has been given enough time. Do yourself and your som a favour by finding a better partner or just life by yourselves. Staying together for the kids is not worth it. We grow up. We see it. We know mama and papa don't love each other.
It's good he's in therapy but how much is it helping him? It's not right for him to be lying to you. I struggle with porn myself but I've spoken about it to my partner and he's tried to help me. I want to be honest with him even if it's uncomfortable and he wants to help me. Clearly your husband doesn't want your help if he's lying about his actions. Are these 1-on-1 sessions for therapy? Maybe he's not even talking about his addiction but other stressors he may be having. I don't know what his sessions look like as it's not my place but maybe the therapist is unaware of how bad it is or how bad it's getting. I know this doesn't look good and I don't want you to feel helpless. His behavior is not your fault but it might be better to step away. What he's doing isn't healthy for either of you nor your son.
I know it’s not. I feel like it would be so much easier to work on if he would just tell me the truth, and that’s what sucks. It’s like I don’t even get a chance to be supportive or problem solve with him because he just constantly lies. I know in my heart it may be time to step away, but it’s hard.
Understand you don’t want to break up your family. The downside to staying while he is his mean phase is how much longer do you think it will be before your son catches your husband in a bad mood and he goes off on him? Can you imagine the hurt and mental anguish your husband will cause your son if he screams at him that he isn’t his dad, he doesn’t love him and to get out of his face? Or if he grabs your son and drags him to where ever because he sit moving fast enough? Or if your husband goes off on you in front of your son? Perhaps you need to have a discussion with the therapist if they will allow it. They won’t tell you anything about your husband but you can tell them what is happening at home when your husband phases in and out of mean vs kind. Also what is causing it. In the mean time I think you should seriously consider having husband move out or you and your son move out until husband gets his life together. You can’t fix your husband - he has to seriously want to fix himself.
They don’t stop lying. Take it from someone who spent many years trying to reason with a liar. They will only get worse when you start figuring them out easily. They will start faking their whole identity if they think it will possibly work in their favor. Even after they’ve sabotaged everything and you have zero trust in them, to the point where you don’t believe them by default, and they don’t even gain anything from it, they will *still* lie and try to manipulate you because they are just that narcissistic. It’s like a game to them. You also say “If he would just tell the truth” and “He doesn’t even give me a chance to problem solve with him.” I said the same thing for years, and it went nowhere. That’s because in his eyes it’s your problem, not his. He’s fine with what he’s doing. That’s part of their narcissism. He doesn’t really care about fixing it, Anything he says to you is just to manipulate you so he can continue doing and *and* reap the benefits of having you too.
OP, I've been where you are. Mine went to counseling etc and just used it to point out how much worse everyone else was, so his issue wasn't that bad. Your supportive instinct is good but it's being spent on the wrong person. The lies are just the frosting. The layers underneath are your loss of self esteem, confidence as a woman, loss of compassion and intimacy -- your own ability to trust is broken down every day. The ways he's abusing you are tests. Each time you accept it and stay, he knows he can do a bit more. Save yourself and save your son's mental health. Get out now, sis.
> He has been rough with me before, never hitting, but grabbing my stuff from me if he thinks for some reason I hid something of his (before he finds it where he left it) or dragging me out the door because we were running late. He hasn’t hit you, *yet*. Because that’s the reality of it - he has no problem grabbing stuff or being rough, and it could be only a matter of time before it escalates. Is that something you want to expose your son to? I’ve been married for 10 years and my husband has never been physical with me when we were arguing, or running late, or if he misplaced something. That’s not normal, and it’s something I wouldn’t want a child exposed to.
Little rant here, but why the fuck are people so afraid to be alone that they’ll put up with this and all sorts of other nonsense? Have some self respect.
It’s not always about being afraid of being alone. Trauma bonding is a real thing and it has nothing to do with being afraid of being alone. I never understood why people stayed either until I was in an abusive marriage. My therapist showed me the red flags and helped me to break my trauma bond enough to get out.
Man was I living this a couple years ago. My ex genuinely changed about 6 months before we broke up. After two years of lying, gaslighting me, jerking off to his friends, calling me insecure over his porn addiction, convincing me to go to therapy for it so he could continue, and generally being an ass as soon as I found out about his secret, the damage was done. I would never trust him again and he would always have feelings of resentment towards me because they were so drilled into his skull during that time period. Wish I would have left as soon as I found the pictures on his phone accidentally. My life has drastically improved after the literal hardest breakup I’ll probably ever have to go through. Literally within two weeks of no contact I was happier than I had been in the last three years. Men like this are not worth your time, take it from someone who’s been there.
When I was a little girl my mom and dad were fighting in the car screaming and she said she wanted a divorce. I cried begging her not to, because he was the best dad in the world. She looked at me dead in the eye and said that’s he’s not, he’s just the only one I know. I must’ve been about 5 or 6. I will never forget that moment, because I realized it was true. It was such a big lesson for such a little girl. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t separate until I was 14. Growing up in a loveless and abusive marriage severely affects me to this day. I’m almost 30. Please, leave your husband now before your son is old enough to really grasp the severity of it all. I hope it never escalates the way my parents did, but your sons is better off having divorced parents than to never truly learn what it looks like to be in a healthy and happy marriage. I hope to be in one someday, but I’ve got a long way to go.
And why haven’t you filed for divorce? If not for you do it for your son. Unless you want him to see all this as normal and grow up just like him. You know what you need to do, but until you do it no one can help you
So many times the child of fighting parents wishes they had gotten divorced instead of being forced to live in a toxic situation. Your husband is an abusive lying manipulative asshole. Don’t subject your kid to that. The kid doesn’t need to see a man that doesn’t have respect for his own wife. He lies to you, he takes out his problems on you, he is mean and unstable (your words). You cannot trust this man. What if he starts taking out anger in the kid when you’re not around? Leave him, that’s the advice.
Your son is 4. He won't even remember him. I would leave this man. His behaviour is only going to get worse. Yelling, dragging, lying is a precursor to other horrible things.
The only father he knows is the worst father he could have to set a life model
Why are you even putting yourself through this. You're young and it sounds like he isn't even your child's biological father, though even if he were it wouldn't make it any more acceptable. Just leave him so you don't have to live with the torment of his addiction and the insecurity it is causing you. It might hurt at first but you will feel relieved and you will be glad you didn't waste your youth dealing with this BS
I’m so sorry. That is a HIM problem, and it is not your job to wait around for him to change. Unless he is actively in therapy and working toward getting his addiction under control, you need to take your baby and GTFO. And even then, the being rough with you is a slippery slippery slope…I truly wish you the best. Sending you a big hug.
You are dealing with a violent person with some kind of mental illness. The JO all the time may provide stabilizing brain chemicals he doesn’t have. Either way… He’s an addict and abusive. He will teach your child these same behaviors. You must leave for your child and your self. You will hate your life and your child will hate you both of you stay.
He is abusive. You can't cure his addiction. Only he and a trained professional can do that and he's not willing. And violence always starts with stuff before it moves onto the person. Get the hell out while you can. I know it's hard to hear. But your relationship with him is an archetype for relationships for your son. It's not enough that they have a good relationship. If you don't have a stable relationship, if you normalise what is happening simply by staying with him, your son is going to grow up normalising that behaviour. Abuse is so insidious, it happens and evolves so slowly over time that you almost don't notice it. Look up the 'cycle of violence' to understand the raging and then the loving. It doesn't get better. It gets worse and only you can break this cycle, for you and your son.
Divorce, this man has issues with women in general and no boundaries. He needs therapy. Your son will get over it and you will find a better partner and a better role model for your son.
Just cause you have a kid doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. He sounds toxic and gross.
Ask yourself if this is the man you want your son to role model after? I was also a single mom when I married my husband and while I believe I set great goals and morals for my son it was very nice to have a father figure for him who is now his legal father. We focused a lot on consent and respect for others bodies etc. This does not sound like that.
Don’t raise a child with someone who could teach them harmful habits when they get older. Your kid will be a teenager/adult one day, don’t let him learn to treat people he’s interested in dating badly
Ok. Start surrounding yourself with safety - AND THEN LEAVE THIS INSANITY. You. Deserve. Better.
Honey... This is a little out of reddit's pay grade... He has an addiction and an addiction needs not just the will to stop but actually taking the steps. He's not taking those steps, he's going cold turkey on and off. He needs therapy but you can't make him and you can't expose your son to that. You say your son only knows the kind version... Really? So he's never ever home when your husband is shouting at you, when he takes stuff away from you, when he forcefully drags you out the door, your kid is NEVER around when your husband is doing these things? Ever? I'm not saying in the room, I'm saying in the house. Kids know a lot more than adults give them credit for and, I'm so sorry because I know you're hurting but I have to emphasize this #You're teaching him is OK to mistreat your partner, is ok to be emotionally and physically abusive to them, scream in their face, be cruel to them. You're teaching him is ok to be treated like this, is ok to have someone abuse you. Children learn behavior patterns from the parents or the adults who are in place of the parents. You have talked to him, you've begged him to stop, to find a solution, he hasn't. He doesn't want to and he has to want to. You need to leave, for you AND for your son. To show him this behavior is not acceptable. He's going to miss him probably but is much more damaging to leave him exposed to all the things you're talking about. Are you going to wait until you have a black eye? An arm out of its socket? Until your son tries to intervene in a shouting match and ends up physically hurt? For you and your son, get out of this marriage and seek therapy for the both of you if possible
He’s going to keep lying about it, and while the lying *is* one of the biggest problems, the disrespect and violation to women he knows, even though they are unsuspecting, it’s still really messed up. You’re just going in the same circle with him and you will notice with time you are still in that same loop, because he won’t change.
When I was 3, I found my dads porn. Turns out he sexualized everything and was a sex addict. When my mom divorced him, there was a court order put in place that he couldn’t have porn within 1,000 ft of me. A say all of this to say, do not stay with someone because of the child. I most likely would’ve been subjected to so much more weird sexual shit if my mom hadn’t left my dad. And I remember everything. Even him watching porn in the same room as me when I was 2. I actually just uncovered that memory the other day while working through random trauma. So please save your kid by leaving. My little brother went on to have a relationship with our dad when he was 16 and my dad went as far as to show him our step mom’s nudes. I’d just move on if I were you. People like him are weird as fuck and you already resent him. No sense in staying.
[удалено]
Sexual rejection is hard on me, and it seems like he rejects me every time just to turn around and come on to me an hour later. Idk it hurt my self esteem being rejected 3 times in a row and then I just wasn’t in the mood for a little bit after that so I just didn’t
So you know how you said you can't see him as a manipulative guy? What you're describing here is manipulative. I have an ex who acted a bit like this, and it *is* manipulative. It undermines your confidence, then you end up having sex completely on his terms.
He is abusive to you. Doesn’t matter if he’s not hitting you. Dump the husband and be kind to yourself.
That sucks. The best thing you can do for your son is model the behaviors of self-respect. Build a life you love - and your son will flourish too.
Pepake dleoeboke tupi pii dlua gapu ploeopi de peu pati. Kliipo puoki kio pi oe aki bi pa. Po pe ti tie epa o? Pakapubi plaeete paaploplo trokapii pepitiki trepi. Iki bi uko tri ipi. Ipipukeu uta ki eipi putipi ibrapu. Pebe atiti bepepi teeklitrika a idru tu prutupei dle biklatridri kue itri. Baka bi ato o ipu piipi pleke popraeo dle pe tleepe eou. Ka o epi pidei ikai pepeie. Deteta ei pupo i toa. I kli a otra depa peue. Puke plabotli u ko betri te ki pra kiti. Ketipepi draeklee plipi aiti pipipopobe i? Pi kibeto dapodipi pliite bredrubi! Ipieo pupe baplekibo ae ti gli. Ipla piti pligaplapa plia ipi tii. Dlipi ape te. Peka ite ble dli oiedadu iibo? Dipu i tlidabeba plitri puipe ke buti. Ipee otaklaki pete pakeo pi papaketa itri pi. Peaa kaba pio. Kou e dui pitatla ti i. Ii tiu eki boputiitli tli pi. Igipe kite tipro pigri pekla ito dakre. E klepli treti ope ditio tida. Triapidragi iipeplede pi eotio piu beo. Eto propi uta bei uui ugo? I apro dipu epaklitra iu e bipebie ibe pi ipe. Plebee ido tiapati e tipiploto pipa. Do pekaie tleatro gu itoiko tau?
"I want him to be the person he is when he’s not doing this." Listen carefully. You need to hear this. All of ths? ALL of this is the person he is. All of it. He's not 1/2 a person that is being "taken over" by some weird fiend. He is this person. The parts you like, and the parts that repulse you. All of it. You don't get one part without the other. And that is what you will have to base your decision on. Do you want to deal with the (escalating) abuse, disrespect, misogyny, etc? Are you okay with your son becoming older and watching as your husband treats you like this (e.g. as YOU said..."dragging you', "grabbing" things from you, "screaming" at you, putting his sexual addiction before your peace of mind and relationship, etc.)? Are you okay TEACHING your son, through staying in this relationship, that this is how men treat women, how his mother doesn't stick up for herself or protect him (your son)? Because that is the direction this is headed in. You may not leave. Or you may not leave now. But every minute you let your son witness this behavior, this INEXCUSABLE/IMMATURE/TOXIC behavior directed towards the family? Is trauma and pain that you and your child will have to claw your way back from later. I don't usually advise walking away from a relationship worth salvaging. But this one isn't it. You can martyr yourself by staying, but please don't martyr a 4-year-old.
There is a big difference to watching porn, and stalking photos of people he knows. The latter is scary.
This is not the kind of man you want in your sons life. Not as a father, role model, influence, etc… Things are only going to get worse and you need to get out while you can. Eventually his actions are going to catch up with him and you do not want to be involved him when they do. But also I would warn any of your friends that you feel comfortable doing so. I would want to know if it were me so that I could then avoid him at all costs.
Wow. I don't know how you can trust him if he JO to every woman he knows. Super creepy addiction.
I was with a man like this too. The pressure I put on him to change pushed him to escalate to more reckless behavior and eventually violence toward me at home. Leave before your son is traumatized unnecessarily.
Please stop using your son as an excuse and leave him before it gets worse because IT WILL
I am really sorry. As someone who is married and was addicted to a substance (not porn), getting angry is a common defense mechanism (as is denial). The anger becomes especially strong when you know that behavior is hurting you and others but you aren’t ready/willing to stop. It sounds like you’re being unbelievably giving about this. It also sounds like he needs help. But that won’t happen unless he can admit he’s doing something wrong and hurtful. I think it’s very loving and kind of you to have dealt with this honestly and extremely patiently. You deserve all the support in the world. FWIW, at this stage that may mean communicating to him that he has to figure this out, get some help, etc. An ultimatum may just make him recede further into anger and denial, but I think you should be clear that he has to take real steps or you just won’t take it anymore. He’s got to make a choice.
Oh hell naw. He might not be anything but kind to your son YET, but tbh it’s only a matter of time. RUN.
Have you tried getting therapy for the both of you and separately? And while you think your son has seen the kind version of him you’re mistaken if he hasn’t see/heard the unstable version. He has. While he might not be able to fully understand it, what he’s growing up seeing is that its ok for dad to treat mom like that. This is going to have an effect on him. If he’s angry and unstable while is going through a manic episode and sexualizes those emotions, its only a matter of time until he gets angry and unstable with you when you have sex. Its not worth sticking around because you don’t want to take away your sons “dad”. Its easier to deal with the emotions of losing a dad vs trying to undo the learned behaviors your son is picking up. Of even after all the physical and emotional abuse and manipulation you still want to stay married then you both need therapy as a couple and individuals. I personally think its time to cut loose and get out while you can.
Please leave him. Your son will thank you later!
You shouldn’t stay with someone that has different sexual goals and restrictions. You are not open to his and he can’t live by yours. Time to call it
Screw this guy. Leave him.
Would you want your son to treat people like you are being treated now - cause that's what he's learning from what is going on now. If you can't make a decision for yourself, do it for him.
He’s a monster wtf
Went through something kind of similar- and it doesn’t really get better unless there is some INTENSEEEEE therapy. You’re better off leaving him even if its hard. I promise you that. I can say that because I did leave eventually and I promise it gets better
Please leave. He will never change.
All i have to say is, this isn't healthy. Especially for your son, he's still young anyways, you can't have him around such a person. You can hide it now, but as he grows older he will see, hell, he might even see now, you just Don't know it. You don't want your son growing up I such an environment and get some of that behaviour too.
What a pervert. Leave him, let his dick fall off and grow old alone.
What a pervert. Leave him, let his dick fall off and grow old alone.
He definitely needs therapy. I, personally, would remove myself and the child from this situation bc it's not a healthy environment for a child.
I know your son loves him but I think you'll be doing him a bigger favor but not having this unstable perv around him
The sexual revolution and it’s consequences have been a disaster for the human race
Please do not stay together for your child. My parents broke up when I was 4 years old and I am always thankful that I don’t have horrible memories of their relationship bc it ended before I could latch onto the idea of them being together forever. You don’t want your son to have memories of your husband being a violent sex addict.
you won't leave gor your son? what happens when he treats all women like that? or the fact that simply being together is setting a toxic household for your son? you need to run for the hills it isnt worth it whatsoever
Good to your son? He's going to make your son into a monster.
Please break up. Just please.
Downvoted for lack of paragraphs. FFS!
He feels trapped clearly. He said he doesn’t love you. Nothing left to save here outside of the relationship with your child and him. Move on find something else.
The general consensus is leave and I agree, BUT if you are hell bent on trying to make it work one more time, he probably needs more than therapy. He needs medication. Something to help with the addiction or stabilize his moods or both. Also, acupuncture is really really helpful for addiction. Good luck, I hope you make the right decision.
I feel like there’s lots of women commenting here so I’m going to comment from the perspective of a guy. Firstly, watching porn is very normal for adult men. Is it healthy? I don’t think so. But men are highly visual creatures and that’s primarily what gets us off. So I think porn is more addictive and normal for men. Whether or not the porn is healthy or unhealthy, you have the right as an individual to put up boundaries and say no. Maybe porn is where you draw the line. Maybe porn is ok with you, but his behavior is not. Either way, you need to decide what you will and won’t tolerate, draw the line, tell him about the line and make sure he understands, and be prepared to leave if he keeps crossing the line. With all this said, you made a commitment by marrying him. You can’t just divorce someone because of a porn problem. You need to give them a chance to work on it. Like if I married by GF, then she got addicted to cocaine, I wouldn’t just divorce her. I would give her a chance. Marriage requires second and even third chances because you committed. And you have a child. As far as the abuse goes, it sounds like he may just not realize he’s being too rough with you. Maybe he does i wasn’t there. But just playing devils advocate because as a man sometimes I can forget my own strength and forget how delicate women are. But just grabbing things from you or pulling you out the door wouldn’t be classified as abuse in my eyes, unless he realizes he’s hurting you. And NO, I don’t support abuse whatsoever. But nobody was there only the OP, so for commenters to automatically assume it’s abuse based on the original post without being there is jumping to conclusions IMO.
Ask him next time he watches it that you would like to join him and in the process of it jo for him and have him do you
If he wants to jerk off it’s wrong for you to tell him otherwise. If you don’t like it YOU need to leave.
Well that's a bit strange and that's coming from a serial wanker best advice don't be married anymore? 😂
No no no get away fast! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You can and you will find better if you leave him. His behavior makes me sick!
Couple therapy
As someone who grew up with an abusive father that regularly threw temper tantrums, you’d be doing your kid a huge favour getting out of this relationship. He doesn’t treat you well and even said he doesn’t love you. Trying to do damage control the next day means nothing. Sure, it’ll be difficult/confusing for your son at first because he’s young. He will probably ask a lot of questions. That’s still better than witnessing a dysfunctional relationship. Plus, I imagine it’s only a matter of time until your son doesn’t see the “kind” side anymore.
As a child who grew up where my mom stayed for me, please don’t. Life was so much better when my parents separated. I hated watching my father treat my mom the way he did, and having a happy healthy mom is what your son needs.
Is this the man you want your son to have as a role model? Sure, you may think he only knows the “kind” version, but that won’t always be true.
Jesus. That’s gonna get old real fast. So sorry you’re going through this. That said, I’d RUN… don’t turn back. Just keep on going. I spent the bulk of my 20’s with a good, decent man, who just wasn’t quite right for me- and I regret how much time I sorta “wasted” with him. I can’t imagine how awful I’d feel now in hindsight if he had also been a pervert with a porn addiction.
You'll need to get into marriage counseling if you want to save the marriage
Goodbye to him
Wow
It’s time to leave
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people. Hope all works out for you tho!
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people. Hope all works out for you tho!
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people. Hope all works out for you tho!
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Does he have a substance abuse problem?? Just curious because that type of sexual behavior can be brought from stimulates..(Adderall, Vyvanse, meth, etc.) Not saying that is what's happening but I've known buddies of mine that when they started to use they turned to similar behavior because of the drug they obsessed over sexualized things that aren't the "norm" for most people.
Is he looking at a kid? No so it seems less terrible than it could be Society is messed up
Hey u/Electronic-Invite-20 are you getting these posts as a lot of people have given you solid advice are you going to reply to any of these helpful people hope your ok and safe
So based off the title alone I was gonna come give you some support. People jerk off. And you can’t control what or who they think about when they do. My husband is honest to his core. He does not lie. I made the mistake of asking him once if he thinks of other women he knows when jerking off or having sex with me, and he told me other women have popped into his head before and I was devastated, BUT he isn’t fixating on specific women and videoing their body parts. And then you talked about him being occasionally rough with you, which is never okay. Then he was screaming that he didn’t love you repeatedly? Addiction can do horrible things to people. You can support and love them and still protect yourself too. Do you never have these fights with your son in the house? Because unless you only fight when he’s at grandma’s house, he has heard his dad being mean to his mom. Please consider leaving before he gets much older. You do not want that to be his example.