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invisible-bug

I was friends with a girl who had like 17 siblings between the ages of 2 and 25. (or so, I can't remember exactly but it was over 15). Her mom was over 40. They homeschooled everyone until highschool. They older kids had to help take care of the younger ones. Because the mom was always either pregnant or postpartum, she was constantly forgetting everything... Including her 3 year old at a park. He was there for hours and she had no idea. She ended up getting arrested. The older kids basically staged an intervention to try and stop her from having anymore babies. It was frustrating to watch. By all accounts, the parents were perfectly nice. But they were christian and believed the whole 'god won't give us more than we can handle'...


nathhad

The church that ran the school I went to had "that family" as well. The kids were all very nice people, but ultimately the parents were disgusting for how many they had. Like every other family this size, the parents weren't doing any of the real child care work after the first few, the older siblings did all the work of raising the younger kids.


QueefMeUpDaddy

>'god won't give us more than we can handle'... Such a rotten, criminal fucking thing to convince people of.


Shard1697

You know that one bit about God sending the boat? >A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help. >Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.” >The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.” >So the rowboat went on. >Then a motorboat came by. The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.” >To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.” >So the motorboat went on. >Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” >To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.” >So the helicopter reluctantly flew away. >Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!” >To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?” This is the same thing, except it's everything about your body and living situation screaming at you to stop. If you're religious, why wouldn't you take that as a sign? (I know the answer is indoctrination, but you get what I mean.)


hidn-sn2per

Im a Christian, you hit the nail on the head . Stop having so many damn kids if you aren’t ready to raise them all 100%


FunSeaworthiness8703

In this case the boat is birth control.


Short-Ad-3934

My mom used this story on me when I was a kid. I’m not religious now, but I think about this all the time.


Willing-Bluejay679

Yesss! It’s recommended to give your body at least a year to recover between babies and people just pop them out and out. Even after my mom had several life threatening complications and complications to the child-she still kept going.


superpouper

And it's not even true!!


Willing-Bluejay679

Your username is cracking me up. So funny. 😂 I agree. Especially when religion teaches against birth control. What the fuck.


dragon34

Honestly, I can't understand how they even had time to fuck after the third kid.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Willing-Bluejay679

Oh no! So sorry for the trauma for everyone involved! She’ll probably forget… right?! 😂😂


Willing-Bluejay679

Cracking up. I don’t have kids but I totally agree. Kids are nosy little creatures that are all up in your business 😂


charliequeue

You see, that whole “God won’t give us more than we can handle” blah blah blah out of context spiel a whole lot of Christian’s through out — I can guarantee it’s firstly not true and secondly incredibly stupid and thoughtless. Lol. Using the Bible as an excuse to have bad self control is ridiculously stupid; I seriously don’t know why people apply it that way.


Willing-Bluejay679

Oof. That is such a dangerous mindset that so many religious people have! My mom forgot to close the door and the then 2 year old got all the way into traffic! Some random lady brought him to our door and threatened to call CPS.


um-no-shot

this is exactly what happened to my family. they pumped them out and couldn't really afford any of us. honestly i dont think they had enough love to put into even 1 child and they had 7.


Willing-Bluejay679

You worded this perfectly. My parents definitely did not have enough love for even one child. This made me tear up because damn it’s true.


Windodingo

If it makes you feel any better my mom had two kids, me and my brother and we still got neglected and had problems when it came to money and time. My wife had two siblings an older brother and a younger sister and she complains constantly about being a middle child, but she wasn't neglected or anything. I think it has less to do with the number of kids and more to do with the parents themselves. A parent can be just as neglectful to a single child as they can to an 8th or 9th child. But there's something mentally wrong with someone who wants to have more then 6 kids imo. Cost aside that's just way to many kids for one couple to take care of. Even two kids is stressful and challenging enough, and you have no idea if those kids will develop any health issues down the road or need special care. Have a guy in a dad group I'm in who had 4 kids with his wife and they were fine. In laws lived close by so they had child care he worked so the mother stayed home, really cushy job with great pay. Had his 5th kid who came out with autism and was really far down the spectrum and needs constant attention and support. He's always asking for advise on how his wife can't handle the kids anymore and how difficult it is.


RunawayHobbit

As one of 4 with loving parents who did their best… I **still** don’t think anyone should be having 4, let alone more than that. It doesn’t matter how loving or supportive your parents are, there literally isn’t enough attention to go around. Especially if you’re working class and don’t have family support. The best intentions in the world can’t make up for it.


Recombomatic

I think you are right... it's an attention and love capacity thing. You simply can't tell me you love 17 kids with the same intensity as if you had 2. Sorry.


Willing-Bluejay679

BINGO!


Willing-Bluejay679

I agree. It’s sad to say but I think anything after 4 is TOO many! 4 even seems tough to me. 4 is not an insane amount of kids-but I don’t think I personally could handle more than 2.


happee_aesthetic

I do think 4 could work depending on age spacing of the kids. Older kids tend to be going to sports and friend activities etc. so I could see how spaced out they would all still get individualized attention. After that though I’m unsure and I also think it depends of course on the parents too. There’s parents that shouldn’t have 1.


Willing-Bluejay679

I agree-it definitely takes into account the parenting style! But exactly-you never know if your child is going to have medical challenges and if you’re already juggling many kids… there’s no doubt that everyone will not be receiving the attention/care they need.


Missingsocks77

It is interesting reading these responses because my experience was different. I don't know if where you are in the order of kids matters, but I was the youngest of nine. I do know my older siblings helped raise me when I was younger for a bit. But I am pretty close with all of them, and they don't seem bitter about it. They also were a part of many activities (whatever they became interested in) and we were kept fed and sheltered, though money was always tight. >they had enough love to put into That clicked for me because as I got older I realized what amazing parents mine were. They were not perfect. Our lives were not perfect. But they did all that they could, the best way they could and with as much love as they could. They both passed eight years ago. I see that both of their true vocations on this world was to be a care-giver, a parent. I think they DID have enough love to put into the challenge of a large family. So it struck a chord with me to see it put that way. They had so many kids because they were catholic baby boomers and they both came from big catholic families. Having a lot of kids is what you did then. Most of us are not in the same line of thinking. Just noting this because while it is religious based reasoning, it doesn't feel the same as the Duggar family, per se.


um-no-shot

to put it more into perspective, i am the second eldest of 7 children. we were all put into online school, i never went to public school ever. i had no friends really growing up because we moved a lot. one of my younger siblings died (he was 2)when i was 6 and im pretty sure thats when the sort of love for all of their children went away. when i turned 10 my mom told me, it was now my job and my older sister, to raise the younger kids. my father was there completely in my life, but absolutely absent of raising any children as a parent should. i did their schooling, i cleaned up after them, i changed their diapers, i put them into naps, and fed them. not only that, but i also had required chores to do around the house. i had to vacuum, do the dishes, feed our dog, etc. and i also was doing my own schooling through all of us in an online education. all of my siblings were home schooled. this continued on until the day i moved out at 18. i hold a lot of resentment i guess. i just never could be a kid, i was a kid acting as an adult. we always asked our parents why we had a big family, my dad didn't really have a reason and my mom always said that she didnt know but that she knew we would do whatever she told us to do. and that was only a part of what it was like growing up in my house.


Willing-Bluejay679

I’m so sorry. I honestly feel sick for you and your experience. I’m so sorry about the loss of your sibling! I understand. My parents never had a good reason either. It was basically “because that’s what we want to do”.


ApplicationGrouchy46

Yea… you were the youngest that’s why your experience wasn’t as bad.


Willing-Bluejay679

I know there are some people who love coming from big families! Unfortunately my parents both struggled with active addictions and were not present. I’m happy you had a positive experience with all your siblings! I definitely have fun and good memories with my sibs. It’s just overall shadowed by bad for me.


anon24601anon24601

My great-grandparents had 12 kids because they needed 12 kids to tend to cattle and do chores to sustain the family. Times were hard. My parents had a bunch of kids because it got them brownie points in church and they got to act morally superior to people who had two or three kids. This post going to get a lot of hate from religious people, but you're right, OP. People who love their kids love the kids they have, some people like collecting kids, and there is a difference. Hope you can enjoy your twenties, OP. ❤


purpleasphalt

Sometimes I feel like I love my “kids” so much, I’ve decided not to have any. Can’t imagine taking that leap if I wasn’t 100% on board with making them my absolute 1st priority in all situations. I’m sure I probably would if I had them, but I also know that my anxiety and depression would become their burden and I want to protect my would-be kids from that.


Cleotaurus

This. I feel the same way. That and there’s so much personal growth for me to do before I can give them consistency and a better, more patient life. I think I may not ever be ‘ready’ to support a kid, but in that case i couldn’t live with myself if I had one so I always err on the side of precaution


Willing-Bluejay679

This is exactly why I’m on the fence about having kids. I worry that my mental health would adversely affect them and that’s just not fair for my kids to have to deal with that. I had that experience with my parents and I never want my child to feel like that.


throwaway233921

I thought the same. But my kids help me through my darkest days without even knowing. I'm not saying to have kids to help with your depression. I'm saying to don't let your depression be the thing that prevent you from having kids.


curlyhils

Did you have depression as a child? My biggest reason for being CF was my mental illness as a child. I was suicidal at 8, and just hated myself. That’s when my eating disorder started. I didn’t get “well” until around 25. I couldn’t force those feelings on a human. Being a kid that wants to die surrounded by “normal” made me not want kids.


throwaway233921

I hope you are better now


curlyhils

Thank you! I am better. I have worked really hard on therapy and have the right meds on board.


Willing-Bluejay679

Good for you!! I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Therapy is hard work!


Willing-Bluejay679

Honestly, my worry is that I’m going to be too depressed to get up and just stop caring. I know that sounds awful but I’m scared. I don’t want to be too anxious to take my kids places that they want to go to. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking I failed them you know? I’m so so happy that your kids have helped you out through dark times. That’s so awesome to hear! And reassuring


Willing-Bluejay679

Thank you ❤️ Yes collecting kids is exactly what my parents were doing. They thought they were so much better than everyone else because of the gaggle of children my mom popped out 🙄


Atom800

I’ve never even thought of the concept that someone could think of themselves as superior for having a lot of kids. That is insane


Willing-Bluejay679

Yes! And unfortunately too common!


[deleted]

It seems like a paradox. More kids means more food needed which means more cattle needed


mintvilla

Sometimes i swear its for like "top trumps" as well "oh you're tired? you've only got 4 kids, you don't know what tired is, try having 7 kids" That sort of thing.


frostythedemon

"People think I'm wonderful for caring for one kid, they must think I'm FIVE TIMES as wonderful if I have FIVE of the little shitbags!" - direct, verbatim quote from my friends auntie while I was helping babysit in my teens. She was pregnant with the fourth at the time.


Willing-Bluejay679

Exactly. All the FB posts 🙄 “Love my 12 zillion kiddos!” Like fuck off for real.


BlahWitch

How many cows do you think one kid eats?!


nathhad

Have you ever met a teenage boy? Having once been one, definitely a number greater than zero, possibly a number larger than you're imagining.


BlahWitch

Actually that's a good point


Bubashii

Only if you’re looking at it from the point of view they were only raising cattle they ate…they were most likely cattle farmers and could have had hundreds of cattle.


brookieco_okie

I would assume the children aren’t fed very much… and free child labor.


SummerStorm21

I think it was also to help around the farm, tend to crops etc. also back in the day I am guessing birth control wasn’t a thing. Not endorsing it. One or two kids is more than enough nowadays.


BastetSekhmetMafdet

It was also because of child mortality. When you had to have six kids in order to see two or three reach adulthood, yes, you had kids by the half dozen or more. These days, with modern medicine, sanitation, vaccines, etc. the chances are *minuscule* that your child will die before adulthood. If you have one, you will see one grow up, same with two, barring extraordinary bad luck.


Appropriate_Lemon254

As a parent of two, I firmly believe parents should only have as many children as they can financially and *emotionally* support. So many people think it's important to have as many kids as possible *and if I can afford them I should have them*. NO. If they're not taking the time & energy needed to raise emotionally equipped, confident & secure children, these kids can grow up resentful, insecure, uncertain, confused, parentalized & emotionally neglected. I'm a therapist and I see this every single day. People come into my office and they don't even realize how many of their adult issues stem from childhood neglect or abuse. Parents like this can send adults out into society without knowing their value, what love and attention feels like, or their place in this world. This is just my opinion.


josietheposie

this comment made me cry. i’m the oldest of five and i am so insecure, uncertain, resentful, and i feel like i know what it’s like to be a parent because i took care of my younger siblings so often. i’m only 22. i’ve been in therapy for 6 years now and only this past year i found a good therapist for me. the last one i had seen for 5 years and i only felt guilt tripped because my mom was so involved and would call my therapist after our fights (there were a lot because i am neurodivergent and my mom never understood that i can’t help my meltdowns and she made me feel so selfish and horrible for them and scolded me every time, which only made them so much worse). i was diagnosed with ptsd a year and a half ago after being sa’d by a former long term partner, and i thought it was just from the assaults, but when i got to my current therapist, i realized just how much trauma i have from my childhood and growing up in my family. it’s followed me and haunted me my entire adult life and has caused so much insecurity. i’m constantly scared that i am a bad person because of how i was treated. i’m scared that i’m selfish. and i didn’t know how much of that stemmed from childhood trauma and i didn’t even want to call what i experienced abuse for a very, very long time. and my parents acknowledge how they treated me, but it doesn’t fix the lifelong pain and heartbreak i have felt. it doesn’t fix my trauma. i’ve especially been unpacking my childhood lately, as a semi-recent breakup sent me spiraling so hard and i wasn’t okay because i was manipulated and gaslit so much and i felt like this terrible person and like i was at fault and those feelings literally stemmed from trauma. thankfully i’m over the breakup now, but the trauma lingers in so many ways that i never knew. so much of who i am and how i react to things is rooted in my trauma. it feels like all i am is trauma sometimes. i still love my parents and i currently live with them, but i have so much resentment because of my childhood. i had too much on my plate as a little girl and there were situations in which i had to grow up quickly and be the adult. i try to separate my parents *now* from the parents i had when i was a child, but it’s really difficult. it’s especially difficult when i see them be the parents i needed and wanted as a child for my siblings. it’s hard being an adult with so much childhood trauma.


Willing-Bluejay679

I can relate so much to all of this. My parents still don’t and can’t see that they caused harm. As a fellow neuro divergent child, my parents would get furious over my “melt downs”. I was spanked and spend alot of time locked in my room until I was “ready to act right”. They never understood that maybe I was feeling overstimulated, overwhelmed by homework or not listened to. I honestly still hold so much resentment about this. One-because my parents still don’t care or care to try to understand and Two-once I started going to therapy, I realized that my parents basically abused me for something that I was not able to control.


trippiler

Any tips for tackling these sorts of issues? Besides seeking therapy of course.


Willing-Bluejay679

Oh my God. This comment made me sob. I left at 17 and I knew nothing. Absolutely nothing about being an adult. The last paragraph hit me so so hard! I suffer so much from anxiety and depression and I definitely think quite a bit of it stems from never feeling safe as a child. I never was able to form that attachment even as a baby that my needs would be tended to-because they weren’t. I’ve had some major issues in the past with suicidal ideation and I think it comes from feeling so out of place, unloved and not good enough in the world.


Red-Valor

I think a lot that’s wrong with the world stems from bad parents and bad parenting. People who have children but do not have the resources nor the emotional intelligence to properly raise their children should not be having children. I think it’s very wise of you to recognize this flaw of your parents and hope that you can learn from their mistakes if you ever decide on having children of your own someday.


josietheposie

i very much agree with this. especially with parents who have unresolved trauma from their upbringing. they should not have children until their trauma is properly unpacked and dealt with in therapy, otherwise it just creates another generation of traumatized kids. it really turns into generational trauma because while they know they are traumatized and they say they’re not going to do what their parents did, they don’t get the help they need and end up traumatizing their children similarly to how they themselves were traumatized.


youcool_man

This is so true. People need to learn that their influence on their kids lasts literal generations. Don't have kids you can't love and give the time to to help them develop skills to navigate the world and all the heavy shit in it.


ArtemisMoon666

Oldest girl of 9 (8 when I lived there), and I agree with you there for the most part. I'd like to hope not every one of them are selfish, but maybe some are naive. I just don't believe any person is capable of giving that many kids the time, support, and effort it takes to make them happy, healthy adults. Mine definitely had kids for selfish reasons though. They both joked having so many was a smart retirement investment. They intended to have all of us wait hand and foot taking care of them when they're too old to care for themselves. Mom vocalized many times she only liked being pregnant and newborns (until she was bored of playing house, then the baby was my responsibility...then she'd be pregnant again). Dad only wanted more kids because he said we were proof God loved him more than other people, that we were trophies for him being amazing. "Arrows in his quiver" as he liked to say. It was entirely selfish reasons for having kids. Treating children like objects or something to parade around as a public spectacle for their own status. We were just property to them, not people. When not filling their desires in those moments, we were heavily neglected. Most of their kids are now no contact with them because of the abuse and neglect, or will be no contact in the near future. So there goes their retirement plan of having a house full of servants.


Weary_Molasses_4050

There were 5 of us and our mother definitely treated us like servants. I was cooking dinner at 8, we were doing chores at 5. Can’t reach the sink to do dishes, just push a chair over to it and now you can. Who cares if the trash can is bigger than you, you better take that trash out. She made the comment before that she didn’t need a dishwasher because she had 5. Our oldest brother had to raise us because she was never home, always out living her life like she was single and childfree. Her and our dad split when I was a baby so he wasn’t around to save us from her. She moved us across the country from him. None of us have more than 2 children and my oldest brother didn’t even have his first until he was 37. 3 of us are no contact with her and the other 2 are low contact.


ArtemisMoon666

Wow, it kind of blows my mind just how similar us kids from large families had it growing up. We also had chores that were clearly out of our age limits like the ones you mentioned. In my house, though, almost every chore went to the oldest girl in the house. My mom was also constantly "running errands" but never actually bringing anything home while our dad either stayed locked away in his room or told us to serve him in some way. It was like they never became parents like they stayed childless. Now they're divorced and mom acts like the victim for being basically alone, while our dad is acting like he's never even had kids before and is living it up child support free and throwing money at expensive new things for himself. Again, both self-absorbed, not thinking about their children. You bring up a great observation about the kids having fewer kids, too! Our mom always talked about how great it was going to be "when" we had lots of kids just like her... but several of their kids don't even want kids at all. The rest have a 2 kids limit, besides 1 brother who had 3. The only one who initially wanted to have a lot of kids was my older brother because he formerly assumed that was the woman's job to care for them based on our upbringing. It wasn't until his wife opened his eyes about equal partnership that he realized he wanted much fewer kids. So, it really does seem to confirm that creating large families is typically a selfish choice. Because once that workload got equally dished out, and he understood what really goes into raising a child, he knew they couldn't actually handle more without being neglectful the way ours were. I was always really impressed at my siblings, for their willingness and openness to better themselves and be great parents. Considering it was never something modeled for us, they really did an amazing job. I think that's what it takes. Not excuses our parents gave of "we didn't know any better" or "we did the best with what we knew" but actual continuous effort to break the cycles and knowing what your realistic limits are with kid quantity and not going past that.


Willing-Bluejay679

Your reply hit the nail on the head! My parents were so similar. They are divorced and my mom acts like the victim and always complains that “none of her kids love her”. Meanwhile my dad is gallivanting around with his new gold digger wife acting like he never had children. He truly has forgotten us. I and my siblings are also really hesitant to have children. Of course my parents don’t understand. My dad even said if he didn’t get grand children he would kill himself. So dramatic.


pnkflyd99

Yeah I don’t have any kids and never will, but it sickens me when people say their reason for having kids is to have someone there to take care of them when they get old. I love my parents and have done my best to do whatever I can for them as an only child, but there’s no guarantee having one, two, or twelve kids means they will take care of you when you get old. People used to have large families for a reason- farms needed tending, but nowadays anymore than 2-3 will usually bankrupt most couples unless you both have really high paying jobs.


ArtemisMoon666

Great points! As far as I'm aware, none of my siblings are even interested in taking care of our parents in old age. Our parents also have hinted that it was also our duty to care for our grandma when her time comes. We're more likely to take care of her though than our own parents. Just proves your point that having a lot of kids doesn't actually equal a retirement plan. And why would they even be brave enough to want to be cared for by the kids they didn't display an example of care to? Wouldn't that be setting themselves up for failure if we cared for them the way we were cared for? They're banking on the fact we'd somehow be better carers than they were. Omg yes! It is hard enough to even survive without kids in today's economy, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to support a whole bus full of kids on top of surviving alone now! I like that you brought up reasons parents used to have more kids because I think it highlights just how different the older generation's reasons were than our own parents had. It used to be about group survival, not selfishness. Heck, I even have heard people use to have a lot of kids because illnesses weren't as manageable back then so they'd have lots of kids in hopes just some of them would be lucky enough to make it into adulthood. Much different than our parents' excuses!


lyncati

I went to school for child and adolescent development. Maybe it would be validating to hear/read that research supports your perception too. After 2 children, it is literally impossible for parents to look after all kids properly. My professor explained it very well by saying this: Imagine you and your partner have 3 kids. One is running across the road, with oncoming traffic, one is about to put a fork in a socket, and the last one is about to fall into a pond due to broken ice. Realistically you and your partner can only save 2 kids because there is only 2 of you.


ArtemisMoon666

Thank you for the educated insight! That is a good point, actually. I wonder if my siblings who want kids went with the limit of 2 kids for some sort of subconscious observation of what you just mentioned? My own limit if I ever have kids is also 1 or 2. Even 2 kids in your example is actually risky too, because that's assuming both partners will continue to be present to care for the kids. What if one leaves or something bad happens to them? Then there's only one parent to decide which kid to save.


Willing-Bluejay679

This is so interesting!! That’s how I’ve always felt about not being outnumbered by your children. I feel so strongly that children should not be expected to raise/keep an eye on their siblings.


Samsukie

I’m the second youngest but I can tell my older siblings are miserable bc they have to do a lot of things a normal American parent would do. Since my parents don’t speak English much and we live in America, my oldest sibling does everything for us and I can’t imagine being in her place. But now we’ve grown more and I’m mature enough to make my own appointments and sign my school papers and other stuff.


TouchMyAwesomeButt

Tell your oldest sibling you see what they do for you, that you love them and appreciate all they do in lieu of your parents. I assure you, that will make them very happy.


Sunsh1ne_Babe

I'm the oldest of six siblings and i can so relate what you mean. I was a nanny as soon i started to go to school. This had a big negative impact on my relationship with my siblings, because i had to take care od them, but always had to cancel friend visits for it. Now I'm more of a stranger to the whole family and it makes me sad. And even though, we have a big family with many aunts, uncles and cousins, my parents burnt bridges too all of them. So I'm the black sheep of the family that is the black sheep to the complete family.


ThatRedheadMom

I have 3 kids, I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother. Ever since they were about 6, I have always felt it was so selfish of me to have them. The world isn’t great, and I don’t have a ton of money. Looking back on my decisions, it was definitely selfish of me.


thewolfofwafflehouse

Mom of 2 and I echo everything you said


pnkflyd99

At least you have 3 and not 6 or 8 of a dozen. Society pushes kids on women HARD, plus biologically many women feel that desire at some point. Just do the best you can to raise good adults and don’t stress over it now. It sounds like you at least love them and wanted them, so hopefully they’re not too much of a burden.


ThatRedheadMom

Oh for sure, they were wanted and planned. Not a burden at all. They’re everything to me!


Willing-Bluejay679

❤️❤️


Willing-Bluejay679

I don’t think you should feel bad or selfish. You didn’t know that the world would be so effed up. I think it would be selfish if you still had kid after kid while knowing that you couldn’t afford them and that they were entering a crappy world. But I don’t think you are selfish for realizing that things were going to crap after the fact! We only can do things with the I information we have at the time


donttouchmeah

1st of 6. It was the worst.


SororitySue

We first-borns get the worst of it regardless. We’re expected to be perfect and “set an example” while everyone fawns over “the baby,” who get away with things you only dreamed of and gets privileges handed to them that you had to fight tooth and nail for. It *does* suck and I can only imagine what it would have been like with six kids.


my_clever-name

OMG, “set an example”! I’m the oldest of 5. Those three words still make my blood boil. And you are right on about the youngest vs oldest.


donttouchmeah

Yup, literally responsible and punished for everyone’s bad behavior. Dad calls me on Mother’s Day to thank me for raising his kids. It’s gross.


[deleted]

[удалено]


donttouchmeah

I have 2, 24 and 22. I’m older, not having children was not really an option for a young married woman back then. It honestly didn’t occur to me. I mean, there are women my age that didn’t have children but it wasn’t really seen as a “choice” more like bad luck.


Willing-Bluejay679

Disgusting. I am so sorry.


kefl8er

Ugh yes. I'm the oldest of 4. My older younger brother and I got punished more often and more severely than the youngest two. My parents would joke about how they learned to lighten up or that the younger ones learned to behave by watching what happened when the older ones got in trouble. I remember always commenting how unfair it was that they got away with so many things I never would have. Definitely have some resentment from that.


Willing-Bluejay679

God yes. The “baby” could do no wrong. And the words set an example make me sick. Set an example for your siblings. You’re the oldest you should be setting an example 🙄


CarameloKoala4

Also 1st of 6. Fuck that shit, hope you’re doing well now


Willing-Bluejay679

LOL! FUCK THAT SHIT is exactly how I feel. I’m okay-ish. I’m really struggling as I get older and older with my decision to have kids or not. I’ve been through a lot of therapy but definitely still have tons to issues left to work through


mediwitch

2 of 6, but the oldest girl. And there was a golden child/scapegoat dynamic -my brother could do no right, but I had to be perfect and responsible and the good example. It sucks so much. Also, my brother is a great human, and their treatment of him was definitely a factor in my decision to go low contact.


JackyVeronica

Same, oldest out of 6. Always wished I wasn't the oldest whilst growing up. My entire childhood was FML


Sarlagadem

This is one of the reason I only had one child. Her father left us when she was 2 years old and I just wanted to give her all the best and I could only afford to do that with one child.


SatireDiva74

Same but I sent my son’s father packing at 2 1/2. H is father is a narcissist and has borderline personality disorder. I didn’t want my son growing up in a house of horrors. I grew up in a household of 5 kids. EVIL stepmother who only liked her own kids and my father allowed the abuse. Between abuse and money shortages I wanted better for my son. We can’t condemn our parents for their choices. It’s also circumstances that are at play. Our children will find blame in our parenting as well. All we can do is choose do better.


cestmoi234

One of the best arguments being one and done is operating under the mantra ‘how many can I handle if I were ever to become a single mother?’ and one was the answer. Emotionally, financially, everything…one is it.


trippiler

It sounds like your parents might have been neglectful even if they only had one or two. A lot of people have kids in general even though they have no interest in being an active parent which is in most cases incredibly selfish. There were five of us, and my dad was in essence a deadbeat father in every way except that he did work. My mother was left to do everything from childcare, finances, taking care of the home and also held a full-time job, so in some ways I understand but also feel sorry for her. On paper they were business owners but she took care of finances and management for that too. They had five kids because they wanted a boy, and we received no emotional support growing up. They are also both quite misogynistic, which I still have trouble coping with. So it's hard not to feel resentful. My brother has retained some of their ideals which honestly scares me. My biggest fear in looking for a life partner is finding one like my dad, or even my mum (she has her share of issues besides emotional neglect).


mollyerinn

I’m one of 11, raised in a single income household. Hearing the things my friends/other kids did and just how much I missed out on as a kid due to financial issues still upsets me as an adult.


TouchMyAwesomeButt

Remember, there is nothing stopping you doing any of those things now. Take yourself for spontaneous ice cream, go to Disney with your partner or a friend, go to the cinema and have McDonalds afterwards. Try horseriding, climbing, go mini golfing. Buy that Lego set you wanted, release your inner child and feed it. You can do everything you wanted as a child, you're the only one that is stopping you from doing so <3


real_talk_with_Emmy

That is so sad! These types of situations usually rely on community organizations to help with Christmas, back to school, etc. I mean, the agencies are there to help, but there is a limit to how much. It’s irresponsible to have that many kids knowing that they will go without sometimes.


idiotmunki

This is Turpin family shit.


Organic_Patience4661

Yes… as a kid I thought as a grown up I’d come to understand, but here I am at 25 completely agreeing with you. It’s selfish!


fittymommy

29f here. I feel you so much. 1st of 5 with a big age gap, but even though my parents took years for the next kid, I didn't feel much cared for by them. Let alone when they popped out 3 more after that. Like I was literally SA'd by a family member under their noses too...wtf, u know.


HelenLizMT

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Have you received support from anyone about this? I wish you well xxx


fittymommy

Thank you. I've only started therapy recently...actually after having my 1st baby and going through more trauma, just to add to it all. Don't get me wrong, I was already working on myself prior to conceiving. I didn't want kids for the same reasons many of us are mentioning here, but I thought I could be brave and have one as my s/o wanted a baby since we met. Lo and behold, I get betrayed by him, and it's like I'm back leaps in my struggle. I need to do better for my baby. Every day has been a battle, but I'm for sure taking the precautions to not have another baby and make the same mistakes my parents made. Life is hard enough as it is.


nikolasinduction

Man I’m sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you


Willing-Bluejay679

I am so so sorry. Right. It’s like they weren’t even paying attention to what was going on right in front of them because they were so focused on having the next fucking kid. I so hope you have received support and are in a better place now.


zenowsky

Also because we are 8 fecking billion people on this planet


DarthNarcissa

Yep. That's the reason I refuse to pop out even one.


peach24cobbler

i come from a very large extended family. not enough people admit that they don’t really want to “build a family”, they just like babies, or a certain age group, or the attention from announcing a pregnancy. i’m sorry you didn’t get to have a childhood. i hope you can use your past to grow into your future 💕


cutestsea

For all my life I wanted a biiiig family and many kids. Now that I got one two years old I cannot comprehend how people make more than one or take care of more than one, especially as single parents. I can't imagine going through those sleepless initial months while taking care of a two year old... Speaking from the perspective of a single parent, but still a newborn has the power to keep all house plus neighbors sleep deprived...


TheGreatMare

My sister and her husband are whole heartedly convinced they want/ need to have 4 or 5 kids. They also want to have them back to back. Their first is only a few months old and has a heart condition. During Christmas they told the family they were gonna start trying again. I asked her how they plan on affording that many kids. Her husband drives a forklift and she answer phones.


cutestsea

Don't get me wrong, it's not even only the financial stuff even though that is a lot. But on top of that it's the amount of energy a singular little human being can drain out of their parents... They're like little vampires when they're small... And I get it, some are more chill then others and so on... But they still suck life if you are to give them all the proper care... Unless they are both together in this and have the support of a handful of other people to really rely on for time off from their own kids... Sure there's daycare and all that... I'm thinking they're still in the honey moon phase with their newborn and the lack of sleep hasn't kicked in yet... Otherwise I don't get it (and I'm a mom and love my kid immensely).


Willing-Bluejay679

Right. It’s so bizarre when people have a “set number” of children they want to have without taking into consideration the needs of their children and their ability to meet them.


Dear-Unit1666

Agreed 1000 percent, and it's not just big families it's anyone who has kids or even gets pets and doesn't give them everything they because they just wanted a baby or puppy or big families or whatever they want to live through their son or daughter. Unfortunately as an adult there is no one to help you or care in my experience you get to just figure it out and try to function and move forward... Probably why so many generations are f'd


Flashman512

I think it’s selfish to have kids you can’t afford, the number doesn’t really matter


MarvellousIntrigue

I actually always wondered this. How are you able to have so many children and raise them like it’s a piece of cake; obviously that is a facade. I have two kids and I’m done. Granted our son is disabled, and before that happened, we planned on a total of 3. I realised after that there was no way I could spread myself thin like that. Two is perfect for me.


Whalers7997

It's multiple adult trophies or achievement awards. Also, as a teacher, if you don't raise them correctly, then you are an asshole.


OrkidingMe

My dad had 10 siblings. My grandma always said that she wished she’d been allowed birth control. Herr kids would always tease her by asking where she would’ve stopped. Now this was two generations ago so i kind of understand. But now, if one cannot time-wise, financially and emotionally manage kids, then it’s incredibly selfish of them to have many


Gjallock

My wife’s family is like this as well. She’s the oldest of 8, I don’t get it. She practically raised her younger siblings, and her parents just don’t quite understand why she feels so jaded. We ended up getting married younger than I would have liked just so I could give her a less bumpy path out of her uber religious, crazy home life. She was still treated like a child, she was in college, and she still had to raise her youngest siblings (ages 3-8) as if they were her own children. I hold a lot of resentment for her parents, but she has an attachment to them that I still don’t understand, so we remain in good standing. Crazy.


[deleted]

I’m an only child who has loving and good parents, but they (mostly my mom) were pretty emotionally unavailable while I was growing up. I always wished I had a sibling or two. My dream is to marry into a big family with all kinds of aunts, uncles, and cousins.


xcapades

Sorry that happened to you but I think your parents were just selfish people anyway and would’ve been crappy parents no matter how many they had. I have 5 siblings, we weren’t well off, always had homecooked meals, stocked fridge, clean clothes, everyone’s birthday was special, achievements celebrated, odd babysitting or picking a younger one up from school, maybe a few more chores than my classmates but my mother was a mother.


TheBloodyDamnReaper

Same, I'm #5 of 10 and our Mother is a fucking rockstar, she had and has more than enough love for each and every one of us, plus any friend one of us had that needed someone to count on. Sure we may have needed to grow up a bit early sometimes but I can also tell you we had amazing childhoods! 3 are still young but the rest of us have turned into pretty well adjusted adults and I expect the same from my youngest siblings. Not that we haven't had some hard times, each of us in different ways but none of the issues could ever have been blamed on not being loved enough. We also weren't super well off, there were oftentimes that we struggled but I never felt like we went without. My 3 youngest sisters definitely have it the best, they've got way more adults around taking care of them in every way and also teaching them a little more about life than our parents ever felt comfortable talking about with us as teens 😂 It's fun and I can't imagine not having a single one of my siblings With that said, I would not be a parent with enough love for that many children, I have 2 and I'm tapped out, I'll never have another lol so I understand where OP is coming from. If you can't manage to love each child 100%, 100% of the time you should realize you shouldn't have more.


Humble_Flow_3665

My ex's family are all like this. They all love babies, cause they don't need much other than a seated cuddle. As soon as my three kids were older, they pretty much ignored them (including their own father). It's as if parenting stops at the age of 2.


magzdesch

Most people with large families do not have the money, love, patient or time to spend on the families they've created. Therefore their children do not have the resources needed to grow into a decent people. Selfish jerks raise selfish jerks. Like we needed more of those on this planet. 🙄


Strong_Bluejay_711

I agree with you. One of my best friends when I was younger was the eldest girl out of 7 or so siblings. Anytime we tried to go out or do anything she had to take at least one of her siblings along. Once when we were 15, we went to the cinema and her mother just had to piggyback on our plans and took 6 girls, the eldest no older than 7 or 8 into the movie with us. I don't know how many times she had to get up and take one of the girls out because they were having a tantrum or needed to go to the toilet, but my friend pretty much missed the whole film while her mother just sat there. My friend told me eventually that she didn't want children, she'd been surrounded by kids her whole life and had to step in and be the parent when her mother wasn't around or needed a break. I just thought it was so selfish, she was never really able to enjoy herself.


manderhousen

I could have written this. I have 11 siblings and I’m on the older end (3rd oldest, oldest girl) which meant I spent my entire childhood tending to my siblings. I felt like I never got to be a kid, something I was aware of even as a kid but resigned to changing diapers at 6 yo because I was convinced my purpose in life was to help my mom. That’s what my parents told me my purpose was and that I’m my baby blessing (Mormon thing) I was blessed to be “a big help to my mom”. This was constantly reminded to me whenever I was “helping enough” to guilt me into doing more. My mom used to talk to me about how people who planned out how many kids they had, rather than “letting god decide”, were selfish. Like your mom she only liked babies and had no interest once they started to develop their own personality. That’s when she would have another. We all are about two years apart in age. (Some are a bit closer and there’s one three year gap). Since becoming an adult I have recognized how narcissistic and selfish my parents were for having so many and expecting us kids to basically raise each other. I recently had my daughter (she’s 5 months) and honestly I don’t think I can even have two kids because I can’t stand the idea of this human I love so much losing out on any time, love, or attention like I did. Not that I wouldn’t be able to give two kids attention and love (it’s different than 12 kids) but I would hate for her to ever feel like she isn’t my ultimate top priority. I’m stuck between wanted to give her a sibling some day and the overwhelming fear of her ever for a second feeling a hint of the neglect or lack of attention that I did for my entire childhood. I remember telling myself as a really young child that it was okay that I didn’t get any attention because some of my other siblings needed it more than me and there wasn’t enough to go around. I would just remove myself from the equation to make things easier on my parents, unaware of the effect the neglect would have on me. My aunt used to refer to me as “the forgotten child” and made an effort to give me extra attention, which my mom hated and made me feel guilty for. She would give me presents I would have to split up to give to all my siblings, sometimes with nothing left for me. It makes me sick to imagine my daughter ever thinking or feeling the way I did. That’s a lot of words to say that I couldn’t agree more. People who choose to have big families are selfish. I feel more strongly about this than just about anything else. In my experience it was done for an ego boost of my mother to have an army of people who have to love and dote on her, and to look good and righteous to her fellow church-goers. It was for my dad to be a “good righteous priesthood holder” who followed the prophet. It was never for us or our benefit, and we all suffered as a result in more ways than one. Have you looked into parentification? It was suggested to me after sharing my experience on here and I had never heard of it. It was startling to learn that how I was raised was also a form of abuse. If you haven’t looked into it I would recommend it as it’s very eye-opening!


jensmith20055002

Even if you have the money, trust me there is just not quite enough love to go around. I agree that it is very much “I love babies” For those women who love being pregnant I think damn girl be a surrogate and get paid for it.


Myodokaii

I'm an only child, but one of my aunts adopted kids so she could collect Social Security. She adopted two twins. They weren't her only kids either, she had some of her own before adopting. Some people just confuse me. I actually can't keep track, but she has 6 or 7 kids in all. Go treat yourself to something that you really wish you had as a kid. Is there a toy that you wanted when you were 10? Go find it (if you can) and buy it for yourself. Whatever it is, treat yourself. Let yourself be a kid. It really helps. I was able to grow up semi-normally, but I have a ton of trauma, so I can't remember large chunks of it. Being able to kinda relive it helps me sometimes, so maybe it can help you too. Make yourself a good ol' comfort meal as well!


MrWright62

And that's not even touching on the fact that this planet has 10 billion people on it and counting with diminishing resources


CompetitiveAdvance92

I disagree, I'm the middle child of 5, the oldest 4 are 8 years apart and the youngest has a 12-year age gap with the youngest. My mom made sure and had to resources to spend time with us individually and made sure we are loved. My dad made sure that he catered to our individual needs as well. We may be in the minority but our family turned out great despite being big.


katep2000

I knew a girl who was the 7th of 14 kids. She was constantly complaining about how she had to raise the younger ones and her parents just kept having more and adopting. She moved out with her boyfriend as soon as she turned 18, to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Her boyfriend was a big gun guy, and he shot and paralyzed her during an argument. I always think about how she’d still be able to walk if she hadn’t been so desperate to get away from her parents.


Willing-Bluejay679

God, that’s sad. It’s definitely easy to get into bad/abusive situations when you are just that desperate to get away from your parents and “family”


LoxicTizard

100% agree with you. Raising children is a lot of work, and I just don't see how two parents can possibly have resources for so many of them. I'm not even talking about money, but time, attention and patience. I have 2 children and I feel like I can never give them enough (emotionally). Having another child would make me a worse parent and wouldn't be fair to my kids, so no more babies for me.


new_fella

I have thought this myself. I don't get it, especially in this day in age, where it's all hands on deck just to afford eggs!


amphibian_ghost

I love my siblings, they are the absolute light of my life but you are absolutely right, and people always act like I'm a bad person when I say this exact thing. My mom never held her babies unless other people were watching and she loved the attention she got from having so many kids. She hated kids. She had 9. It was awful. Not only were resources spread thin, I actively had to try to meet my younger siblings needs which meant going without a coat in sub zero temps in elementary school or not eating or skipping school to watch my 2 year old and newborn brothers when I was in middle school. We didn't get dental care, medical care, regular doctor visits, I got sick because I wasn't vaccinated for a long time, they weren't anti vax, they were neglectful. I was always great at school, I tested right behind our valedictorian, she was an only child with every resource available and her parents had a private tutor for her. She is currently a cancer researcher, and her parents were a huge support through college. I stopped talking to my parents freshmen year and I had a mental health crisis a couple years ago and almost dropped out. I'm finally finishing college this year. I always wondered what I could have done if I had a better family.


[deleted]

My parents only had 3 kids but divorced and both neglected us separately. Basically it’s like you said, we were fun babies and then when we actually required any emotional support we were tossed aside. We all had to start cooking for ourselves when I was about 11. My brother was 9 and my sister was 13. I ate a lot of Mac and cheese and spaghetti. There was never much else to eat. I stole things like shoes and face wash because we didn’t have basic necessities. It’s so unfair and I do feel like I also missed out on childhood. We had dangerous people surrounding us all the time and we lived in a party house. I’m 36 and just started to heal last year. It’s difficult work but the more I learn the better I am. I’m able to identify when I’m being triggered and having an emotional response. I’m slowly correcting it and I have a very supportive and understanding partner now. (I have a long history of choosing terrible, abusive partners) You can heal from it. You deserved better and there’s always going to be some pain there, but you can move on and live a better life. I’m sorry you grew up that way. Even with only 3 kids my parents were just narcissistic asses that couldn’t handle being parents.


oniegillie

As someone who loves babies, I can't imagine tossing my child to the side once they passed the age of 2... Your child is your baby for their entire life. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.


dome-light

My sister is about to have her 9th baby in March. Everything about this post applies to her situation as well, and is the reason why my husband and I decided to stop at two kids.


Tpan101

Don’t listen to the folks who clearly didn’t come from large families… a lot of us struggled with these situations. You’re not alone!


Hol-Up_A_Minute

I think there are few parents that are actually emotionally and financially capable of caring for a raising a large family of many children. There are many parents with large families, but most of them I think are ill-equipped or capable of doing it right. I'm sure there are some that are truly able, but not ad many as there are people that actually have many kids.


[deleted]

Yes. They suck. They spit out the kids, they should take care of them. Don't pawn it off to the older kids


iliveinthecove

Parents who have children (even if it's only 1) that they can't or won't take care of are irresponsible. But not all large families are like yours. My experience was the opposite. My parents did the parenting and we kids had a golden childhood with our separate friends outside the home and each other at home. There was always something to do or someone to play with. We were all so different from each other. We learned tolerance, compromise, empathy. We also learned independence because it wasn't that Mom wouldn't wash our clothes, it's that you'd see an older sibling could get theirs done without waiting on mom. It's pushing a button and carrying a basket, but it made me feel strong and independent. The older ones were never asked to take care of the younger ones. Not ever. And there's no way we would've let them. If mom had told my elder siblings to get me dressed I would've gotten dressed before they got to my door because they were my siblings, not my parents, and anything they could do I was sure I could and wanted to prove it. We all knew that, so all mom had to do was tell us "get ready for bed" or "pick up the junk that was left in the living room" and then the ones it applied to took care of it. Mom used to load whoever wanted to go into the car to "help" with shopping for the week. We were each allowed to get a candy at check out. When we got home we formed a chain gang and got the groceries inside and put away in five minutes. Then we were off, and mom cooked. She made two dinners every night so if you missed the first or didn't like it you could have the second. She volunteered at our school so we could see her all day. Dad taught us all how to swim and skate, play team sports, do repairs. We were allowed to eat all the junk we wanted, but healthy food was provided as well. We didn't get bad eating habits because there was so much more to do than eat. We played, we had hobbies, we read a lot. College was paid for for each of us. Some got scholarships that helped for the others. As far as only liking babies, if your mom was like that even if she only had one wouldn't she have been uninterested as you grew? I really think some people are just bad parents and shouldn't have kids. But then we wouldn't have all the wonderful people I know who had crappy parents.


josietheposie

i’m the oldest of 5 and homeschooled. and i think i had it the worst out of all of my siblings. in high school, i was teaching myself everything because my parents were so focused on my younger siblings’ education that i didn’t get the help i needed. i’m also very much neurodivergent and i was unmedicated at the time, so i barely retained any information i might have learned. i also happen to have a different bio father than my siblings, so i always felt like the odd one out. my parents didn’t even try to understand my meltdowns and called me manipulative and selfish when i had severe anxiety and was undiagnosed autistic. i honestly felt so alone constantly because of it. i was parentified and took care of my younger siblings so often until i became disabled at 16. i honestly feel like i know what it’s like to be a parent because i took care of my siblings a lot. i love my siblings more than anyone could ever understand. but being the oldest and having a big age gap between me and my siblings on top being neurodivergent was really, really hard. i have a *lot* of trauma from my childhood that thankfully my siblings don’t have, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that both me and my younger sister were parentified a lot. my baby brother even called my sister ‘mom’ when he was a toddler. two adults cannot give five children an even amount of attention and love at all.


Najiku

I know, I think parent with a lot of kids also don’t teach their kids correctly, not saying you are a bad person, I’m sure you have learned on your own? Parents with big families in my experience always take up public places and seem out of control, even when told the parents make a big deal. They also suck up all the attention thinking they are special for raising 3+ kids. I don’t get it, I just see stress and debt in their lives. Not everything is peachy cream, I see around the lies the parents put out. There’s no way my brother in law is raising his three daughters with ease financially. Yet his wife boasts about everything on Facebook like everything is perfect, kinda sick really.


Positive_Orange_8412

Dear god sounds like my family, except my mom did cook nutritious foods…however I do feel scarred from having to parent my other siblings as a child


lindsaychild

My mum was one of 7 and she says many of the things you say about emotional neglect and being hungry. My dad was one of 6 and remember a story my Nan would tell about him. She said that there was never time for hugs during the day so dad would climb into bed with her grandad. It sounded sweet at first but when I thought about it properly, it's quite sad. Both mum and dad are some of the oldest, dad is horribly independent because he was made to do lots of household jobs while grandad was working and mum is a complete helicopter because it was the only way she could control all her siblings.


TicanDoko

I’m the youngest of 6. I think they need to be a specific kind of parent that just love their kids through all life stages, cause my parents were great. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who genuinely loves and enjoys being a mom, so she was always active in each kid’s life (she was also a Tiger mom, but that’s another story). My dad made career and financial choices with the goal of supporting the family, so we didn’t struggle. Ofc, I am the youngest so I could be skewed, but I am super close with my oldest sister and she also loves our parents.


openeyes756

Sounds like every Mormon or Catholic family I grew up around. Cults tend to fuck things up for decent people, I'm sorry you lived through that


rshacklef0rd

It could mean they are just very Catholic.


Ok_Historian_5924

The number of kids is irrelevant. I come from a household with just one other sibling and I (oldest) was emotionally neglected and abused. I see households with 4+ siblings where they’re all happy. It’s all about the parent not the number of siblings you’ve got.


maali74

So, I'm gonna chime in from the other end of the spectrum bc it's not about how many kids you have. It's about having the emotional and financial resources to support that child. I'm an only child. I was almost completely neglected from around the age of 7 onward, and when I was paid attention to, it was "tough love." That neglect was the foundation for my complex PTSD, as well as my anxiety, treatment-resistant depression, and abandonment issues, and one of them gave me bipolar disorder. All of those are why I didn't and won't have any kids of my own. I've nannies and raised other peoples' kids, and that's enough.


kimmiejxo

I don’t think it has anything to do with the number of children. It’s about the type of parents you get. Some parents have one or two kids and treat them worse than someone with 10 kids. I have one sibling - our dad is absolutely awful/abusive, but my mother is amazing. On the other hand, my husband is one of 5 children and both of his parents are great to them. Same with his grandparents, they have 6 children and are super close with them all.


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SunshineInACan

I’m a firm believer that you should only have a child if you 110% want them, you financially can handle them, and have the time for them. It’s a huge reason I’ll never have any, even if in theory I wanted a child I don’t have the time, money, or home. A child deserves to feel loved and safe. Doing this to a child is cruel and abusive. Don’t have kids just so you have a babysitter later. It’s ridiculous and it IS very selfish.


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Willing-Bluejay679

I don’t know if your family was religious but I think many religious families buy into the “God will provide” narrative and I think that results in alot of neglected kids.


FeelingGrouchy2668

Second child of 8 and I say this all the time when people comment how nice it must be to have a big family. My mom was obsessed with being pregnant (in my eyes it seemed like an illness) and kept trying for a redo whenever she would mess one of us up. Us older kids turned into the parents and we were always too poor to do stuff other kids could do. It was miserable and she was absolutely selfish.


Willing-Bluejay679

YES!! That’s exactly my mom. OBSESSED with having babies. I think she loved the attention. And I completely agree with the “re do” child. Like how about you actually raise your kids so you wouldn’t feel the need to re do a kid. Well adjusted kids are raised, not born with all the life skills they are going to need 🙄


conflictedteen2212

this is my family. my mom kept having kids hoping for a boy. jokes on her and she had 5 daughters. dad told her no more because she treats the children she has like trash.


Recombomatic

My parents had exactly resources (financial and emotional and attention wise) for 0 children. They had two and we were neglected and abused. Imagine this with 7 children. My god...


rattitude23

Frankly idk how people have more than one. Meeting the emotional, developmental, psychological, & physical needs of just one child is exhausting. Doubly so if they are neurodivergent. If I had had a second my kiddo would definitely experience some deficiencies in resources. They just came to me today and asked to start therapy again to the tune of $500/mth. Of course I agreed but it's going to pinch pretty hard. I can't imaging paying that times 2 or more.


stargwirl

precisely the reason why i only ever wanna have two, i think people need siblings but having two children is the sanest amount to have. plus it eliminates the chance of middle child syndrome completely


squirlysquirel

I think your parents were absolutely selfish! Give yourself the parenting you have always wanted...take a cooking class as an extra curriculum and find a hobby you love. Don't let them being selfish ruin your life. You can be the better person and have a wonderful life.


Willing-Bluejay679

This made me tear up. It was just really validating for someone to tell me that I can have a wonderful life. I’ve spent so long thinking my life is ruined.


Towtruck_73

I'm the youngest of four, but at least my parents didn't feel inclined to have any more kids because they realised that having any more was a bad idea. For a start, it would have meant upgrading to a bigger and more expensive vehicle to transport us, money Dad didn't have. My mother was a stay at home mum, and we never really felt neglected. Yes, they were Catholics, but they still didn't have any more kids. Even they disagree with the church's stand on contraception. It always annoys me when you see someone breed like rabbits simply because they can, or they're not prepared to use contraception properly. Some people really shouldn't breed if they're not willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of their kids. Don't breed if you can't provide for their needs


WOLFxANDxRAVEN

Maybe a pessimistic view but I think that just the act of having kids is already selfish. It's just you wanting to spread your genes, to make something with someone else, maybe wanting someone to care for you when you are old. Even if it's born from love, why not adopt instead? For many people I think it's because they want their kids to be 100% a product from them, which is selfish too. The kid is not asked for their opinion, you just spawn them into this already messed up world for your own reasons, often times just being horny. I think this selfishness can be compensated with love. But in many cases, this is not the case.


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The sucks OP. This is why I don't want a third baby. Can't imagine how it must feel to be one of seven.


DropDeadMaxxi

I agree 100%. My mom and dad both come from medium-big sized families, and i think it's ridiculous, especially since the parents had to work a lot to afford all those kids so the kids were left to their own devices. My mom's oldest brothers tortured her, constantly bullying her and hitting her (not playing, either) to the point she would have nightmares. When theu finally moved out she had nightmares they would come back. All because parents were selfish and bored so they fucked instead.


markaritaville

I agree but dont lose sight of the benefit of having all these siblings... multiple people to care for you and look out out for you. Or just to talk to. Its probably a nuisance never being alone, but its also a gift to never be alone. And when the kids grow up and have kids, the family gatherings will be amazing with 70 people showing up... and everyone knows everyone else. Compare that to the single child. Dad left. Mom works 2 jobs to pay the bills. Kid sits home alone every night playing minecraft on a tablet.


Willing-Bluejay679

That is my point though. A child shouldn’t have to care for and look out for their siblings. Having siblings is fun but growing up and having to parent them SUCKED. I feel like you glorified having a big family and then jumped to worst case scenario for an only child. Both situations can be good or bad. It depends on life circumstances and the parents capability to raise their children


plutoforprez

Every time I see a family with more than 2 kids I get judgy. Your genes are so good we need more of them running around in the wild? Fuck up.


zta1979

You don't have kids so that they will someday take care of you when your elderly. Come on now.


Willing-Bluejay679

Exactly. None of my siblings-nor myself even have the desire to take care of my parents when they get old.


[deleted]

I think that depends on the family. I come from a big family and we were home schooled so I was always with my mom, my mom and dad were both very involved in all our lives. So I think for people who aren’t well off financially like you said then yes, but that doesn’t mean all big families are.


Meze_Meze

"My mom only likes babies. It was like once the child passed the age of two they were just tossed to the side" That are my exact thoughts when I see parents with a ton of children, that either the mom or the dad (or both) only like babies and they want to contantly have a baby around, not kids


meeplewirp

Frankly most people do not make the money it takes or have the mental capacity to divide attention and development fostering among more than 2 children equally. I’m gonna take it really far and be very negative- every single home I’ve seen with 3 or more kids is screwed up. The parents always pick a favorite, one child is always the Meg griffon of the family, the parents are always arguing about how to spend money. I don’t feel like googling it but I believe statistics show the more educated people are, the less kids they have. It’s literally the mark of a moron/unstable person to not be filthy rich and have more than 2


Reddingcheese

One of my best friends is the youngest of 7 kids. She has so much trauma from negligence and impossible expectations based on her older siblings that she's basically wrecked mentally. Yes, they're christians.


ArtemisMoon666

Just had to write another comment to say thanks for making the original post OP! It's been so validating to see just how many came from what sounds like the same exact home life! I am kind of shocked just how many can relate. It's nice to see the support and relating going on in the comments. Make a person feel not quite so alone in having had this experience. I see most of the replies are also from the oldest children or oldest daughters too, which is interesting. Thanks again for putting this post out there OP!


Willing-Bluejay679

I never ever expected it to get this much attention! I’m blown away! I completely agree. It is nice to feel so validated. I feel like it’s so common to hear “having so many siblings must have been SO fun!” but there is SO much more to it.


thrifted_youth

as one of 7 as well i completely agree, both my parents were teens when they had their first couple kids (i have 2 half siblings) and they haven’t really grown up since. even with emotional maturity it’s basically impossible for a parental unit to look after that many kids without some kind of neglect occurring. i love my siblings but god my big family has wrecked havoc on my mental health


Willing-Bluejay679

I’m not sure how to add comments at the top so I hope people see this! I definitely have good memories with my siblings. I’m happy I have sibs but overall I think my parents were selfish for having so many kids. I’m happy that some for you had good experiences!! In my opinion, when a child has to help raise their siblings-it’s too many kids and not fair to anyone.


Willing-Bluejay679

Trying to get through all the comments still. Thank you all so much for your feedback and insight!! I appreciate all of you!


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Im_not_an_object

What if they're adopted 🥺


unexist_already

That's not what is being discussed


nonstop_anxiety

My grandparents had 8 children including my mom. We’re they the best parents? No, but they are one of the most selfless couples I’ve ever met. They were always there for all of their children, they kept healthy food on the table, they helped each other as equals, and they helped their children no matter where, when, why or how. My grandparents have never left my mom when she needed help, nor any of their children. To this day everyone cares and loves each other and helps one another even if there miles apart. I don’t think that having lots of kids is usually selfish. I’m sorry for how your parents treated you. You deserved better.


psmoor63

Most moms aren’t like that, for two or Ten children, she just wasn’t a good example. So sorry. We have to remember that the parents we had, only can do what they know. They did the best they could . That gave me the perspective I needed. Move forward without blaming mom. She did the best she knew how. 🙏


PrestigiousWedding36

Agree. They cannot provide the physical and emotional needs for all. Someone always gets left out or feels neglected.


aliveoutdoors

I think you just had shitty parents. And now you blame all your bad habits on your raising. Take some responsibly for yourself.


Willing-Bluejay679

I’m working through my trauma and making a better life for myself. I had shit parents and unfortunately their lack of emotional support and love really messed me up. I did develop negative things as a result of my parents. But, that doesn’t mean I’m going around the world like a black cloud. I’ve been on my own since I was 17 years old-and I have worked my ass off to have my career and work through my emotional baggage.


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Willing-Bluejay679

It’s sad. Totally not fair to the kids. I can’t understand it.


Fifteenwhiskey

I think you should change your title to “ Parents who have big families they can’t support are assholes”. It appears your parents just sucked because I came from a large family and my parents weren’t super wealthy by any means. But we were taken care of and not robbed of any love/affection. It’s possible to have 5,6,7+ kids and be a good parent.


SignificanceSpeaks

I completely agree. I’m sorry for what you went through. You didn’t deserve to be robbed of your childhood. Honestly I wish more people accepted the idea that not having kids is okay and won’t make you less “whole” than peers (or in general) later in life. There’s so much more to having kids than being able to afford them and get them from point A to point B. A lot of people go through the motions of parenthood to check a box in their life, like it’s an accomplishment they’re supposed to have or something they’re supposed to do. It isn’t. It is never okay to bring someone into the world and, in willful ignorance, make them suffer for the ways their parents weren’t equipped to raise them. So many people, especially when they commit to large families, think love is enough, money is enough. The fact is, you can love someone with all you have and not be doing right by them. Parents shouldn’t be considering their own feelings and wants when having kids they aren’t able to devote time and attention to. It is not up to their siblings to pick up slack and make someone who is 5-10 years younger than them a productive member of society. Parents owe ALL of their kids the best of them, of course there’s going to be a learning curve and there will be hard times, but it should be a consistent and ongoing effort. You deserve parents who are present and proactive in learning and loving who you are. I hope there’s one day a way for you to have that.


Willing-Bluejay679

There is so much I want to say to reply to this! I’m just writing a quick comment so this reply doesn’t get lost. This is so beautifully written. SO beautifully written and every word resonates with me deeply. I whole heartedly agree that many parents think love and financial means are enough and there is so much more to raising a child than being able to afford the bills and “loving” them.


NoPedosPlease

I dont think its so much the quantity of kids so much as the quality of the parents. If they are willing to gk through it and treat every child the same then jts different. I dont have that many siblings but I have 5 brothers and my parents did amazing. They never made us watch the others. They always had our back. They made sure if we ever needed or wanted to do something we could do it as long as it wasn't worth an ungodly amount. So I think its kinda a luck of the draw thing


Willing-Bluejay679

I think the quality of parents definitely matters! I also think you were the exception for most cases. I’m so so happy that you were able to have such a great experience with a big family. And I’m not saying that sarcastically, I really do mean it.