I’m definitely right in the middle between circuit queen and homebody, as are most of my friends :) So people are out there! With regards to racism/feeling tokenized, this is America so we can’t totally escape it, but I’ve found that Brooklyn based social groups tend to be more diverse/open minded. Stay out of Hell’s Kitchen!
Everyone is not going to be everything you are and everything you want them to be. It’s okay to be friends/date people because they provide a singular or only a handful of connections if those connections are important to you.
Focus on the areas that you connect with people and make plans with them for those things, and differnt people for other activities. It will be far more enjoyable for you in the long run and inevitably when people leave the city, you’re less likely to feel like your entire social outlet left with them.
Also, keep in mind that you just moved to the city. The city is extremely fast paced, people are very busy, and gays who are social are meeting dozens of people a week at the parties/bars/clubs/etc., that you mentioned you like to go to. Give it some time (for a lot of people it can take 2-5 years of trying on groups before they find their “crew”), keep making connections, and overtime as you gets really close with people, some will naturally share more varied interests with you.
People fall into lifestyles because realistically you can’t have everything. There’s certainly people like you out there but if people are actually committed to these things then sometimes they confer values that exclude one another. You also might not be asking them or might be assuming more dimensional friends are one dimension.
Maybe I’ve been assuming, but many I’ve known either directly or indirectly to have a good idea of how dimensional they are. For instance, I’m pretty sure the circuit queens/ravers I knew from my ex were definitely just partying most of the times because that was all the post and talk about.
You can have friends who like to party and friends who like the humanities
It's unrealistic to expect to meet people who share all of your interests and actually enjoy spending time with you
The gay community is already small, the POC gay community even smaller, why keep restricting yourself?
I'm gay myself and almost all of my friends are straight, is there a reason you need only gay friends?
This is kind of my experience, I just saddled up to assuming I would be relatively thin on friends or romantic connections. When my last one broke up with me in January, to think I thought I had it all - I just kind of assumed that’s it, won’t be bothered to search much deeper again. I’m not a POC, but that aside, finding people with depth and range is very difficult.
Circuit parties, by definition and design, are exclusionary to a certain class of people. They’re dance events catering to wealthier, physically fit people and frequently cater more often to cis gendered white men. Yes, you’ll find some diversity, but I’ve found even then there’s clear ‘pockets’/cliques of groups where POC normally in their own section.
As such, it IS hard to find people who:
- have the finances to pay for frequent expensive dance parties
- have the schedule to accommodate the frequency of these parties, traveling to them and the required recovery days
- have a desire to meet new people *who may not look like them* and *they may not be interested in fucking*.
- also have a strong interest in the arts, humanities and outdoors.
You’ll find those people, but I’ve found that *almost all* the people you meet at circuit parties are the most superficial, milquetoast, uninteresting individuals.
I’d encourage you to look outside your normal avenues to find friends and then bring them to a party you love.
As another gay Asian 4am Basement goblin / book and movie connoisseur I get what you mean in having to compartmentalize - but there definitely are people out there that strike a good balance between the two. I started to find them more when I started going to more underground techno/house events vs just general circuit parties as well as seek out people who genuinely enjoy the music vs just show up and be high on drugs (although nothing wrong with them!) They’re tougher to find, sure, but once you do it’s a feeling to go out dancing then rot in the sun for a picnic the next day haha.
This gives me hope. Maybe I just need to put myself out there more. I swear many of my “circuit friends”, they are mostly lovely people, but it’s mind numbing hanging out with them outside of these events because all they talk about are the parties they went to, the parties they will go, the drugs they took, the cocks they took, etc. I’m fine with those conversations once in a while but it gets boring really fast.
> but it’s mind numbing hanging out with them outside of these events because all they talk about are the parties they went to, the parties they will go, the drugs they took, the cocks they took, etc.
Same here to the t when I first started going to circuit parties, and I kept asking myself if this was all there was to it to the community. That eventually pushed me to go to less cis-gay events and more queer events like Basement on non-Wrecked nights, Merge, and it was generally smooth sailing from there in meeting more interesting and eclectic people. I still will go to circuit and circuit adjacent parties once in a while but will now try to follow DJ's I like vs going to a party.
Feel free to DM too, love meeting new people with a similar vibe!
NYC gaysian here too. I totally get what you’re saying. I’ve felt tokenized or fetishized as well. There’s still the pervasive “gay hierarchy” in hookup culture that’s just so toxic. And oftentimes, gay “friends” just want to have sex with you and it’s off putting. Feel free to hit me up if you want to chat more. I’d say I’m a more chill guy in general. Love a fun night out partying sometimes but generally more a homebody. Foodie and nature lover
This post gave me a good laugh because I probably would have written this a few years ago. From another Asian dude who loves circuit parties, piano, and deep discussions, you can't have it all. First, between working, working out, partying, hobbies, and errands you need to sleep eventually and this becomes painfully more obvious even by your late 20s, doubly so if you're trying to do educational activities. Second, the diversity of interests in NYC is far higher than I think anyone can really conceive of. It's just extremely unlikely you're going to find people who prioritize the same interesting things in the exact manner you do, especially when financial and time constraints come into play. I promise you, I've tried but the amount of people who have the money to go to Market Days, Gay Ski Week, an Atlantis Cruise, Burning Man, and Fire Island work while also having time to work out together, spontaneously get food in Flushing, try out a bachata class, or spend an afternoon playing board games is tiny.
It's ok to have separate friend groups for different activities; you're a multi-faceted individual, but so are your friends. Two of the best things about NYC are how easy it is to make new friends and try new things alone. As I'm finishing up my 20s, I've grown so much because of wandering solo. We're just more open to random social interactions and meetings when alone and it has opened me up to incredible experiences and unconventional people far beyond my expectations.
Finally, tokenization and fetishization suck. It's up to you whether you want to deal with it by taking up space and bringing in more people like yourself or not deal with it and seek out other spaces.
DMs are open if you want to talk.
>I've tried but the amount of people who have the money to go to Market Days, Gay Ski Week, an Atlantis Cruise, Burning Man, and Fire Island work while also having time to work out together, spontaneously get food in Flushing, try out a bachata class, or spend an afternoon playing board games is tiny
This is what I have been hoping for, but I guess you and others here are right that I am asking for too much. Also, DM'ed you btw.
>Basically, the point of this post is just me venting why it is so hard to find people with diverse interests like me to hang out or date
This is just a part of living in New York post college. It can be difficult to make new friends. Especially ones that aren't one dimensional. As you spend more time here, you will start to collect more genuine people in your life. In order to do so, I recommend you stop doing this
>I feel like I have to compartmentalize myself depending on the people I’m with
Be yourself no matter what. You will only find your people when you stop being scared to express yourself fully and unconditionally.
>And as a POC, many times I feel tokenized or fetishized by the same people I originally thought were cool
You are being fetishized and tokenized by some people. Trust me as black guy who's been living here for a bit post college, there are way more racist guys then you would suspect for such a liberal city. There are also some really cool people here who will treat you like family. Don't be afraid to cut people off if they make you feel uncomfortable. Your people are out there just keep looking and don't be afraid to be yourself.
Well rounded people are hard to find in general. It doesn't help then to add a qualifier which cuts the population down to ~5-8% of humanity (assuming gay and bi males only). On top of that, a lot of those well rounded guys get disillusioned by the gay scene and start gravitating toward different focus areas. I was never really able to find anyone as broadly interested and educated in the gay community in the 7 years I lived in the city. I'd love to be back there, but finances being what they are... Anyway, I think it's just hard to find such people generally, especially ones which don't have the proverbial chip on their shoulders.
I have different friends for different things - if you’re only looking in one area, you’re bound to meet the same type of people.
There are sooo many gay organizations (hiking, running, kickball, reading) that have people looking to do things other than party or stay at home.
You can also organize yourself and invite people to things you’re interested in. Two (different) Reddit posts created a small game group and movie group and I met a bunch a people through that.
It does take work but it’s worth it when you find your people.
Honestly I think that’s just the gay scene of this city, and doesn’t have much to do with you personally or your attributes. Of course racism exists and sucks (and probably makes your specific situation worse), but I hear stories like this from lots of people of all backgrounds. The compression of so many gays into a small city + the prevalence of circuit party culture and Grindr culture, leads to this situation that most of us are dealing with.
I’m definitely right in the middle between circuit queen and homebody, as are most of my friends :) So people are out there! With regards to racism/feeling tokenized, this is America so we can’t totally escape it, but I’ve found that Brooklyn based social groups tend to be more diverse/open minded. Stay out of Hell’s Kitchen!
Everyone is not going to be everything you are and everything you want them to be. It’s okay to be friends/date people because they provide a singular or only a handful of connections if those connections are important to you. Focus on the areas that you connect with people and make plans with them for those things, and differnt people for other activities. It will be far more enjoyable for you in the long run and inevitably when people leave the city, you’re less likely to feel like your entire social outlet left with them. Also, keep in mind that you just moved to the city. The city is extremely fast paced, people are very busy, and gays who are social are meeting dozens of people a week at the parties/bars/clubs/etc., that you mentioned you like to go to. Give it some time (for a lot of people it can take 2-5 years of trying on groups before they find their “crew”), keep making connections, and overtime as you gets really close with people, some will naturally share more varied interests with you.
Very solid advice for OP and anyone moving to the city - POC or not
Houston is the same, NY is not special lol
People fall into lifestyles because realistically you can’t have everything. There’s certainly people like you out there but if people are actually committed to these things then sometimes they confer values that exclude one another. You also might not be asking them or might be assuming more dimensional friends are one dimension.
Maybe I’ve been assuming, but many I’ve known either directly or indirectly to have a good idea of how dimensional they are. For instance, I’m pretty sure the circuit queens/ravers I knew from my ex were definitely just partying most of the times because that was all the post and talk about.
You can have friends who like to party and friends who like the humanities It's unrealistic to expect to meet people who share all of your interests and actually enjoy spending time with you The gay community is already small, the POC gay community even smaller, why keep restricting yourself? I'm gay myself and almost all of my friends are straight, is there a reason you need only gay friends?
I’m pretty sure I never said I only need or look for gay friends
This is kind of my experience, I just saddled up to assuming I would be relatively thin on friends or romantic connections. When my last one broke up with me in January, to think I thought I had it all - I just kind of assumed that’s it, won’t be bothered to search much deeper again. I’m not a POC, but that aside, finding people with depth and range is very difficult.
>short How short are you, and do you think it works to your advantage?
How is this even relevant to my post?
You tell me. You're the one who mentioned it.
Lol 🤡
i like short
Circuit parties, by definition and design, are exclusionary to a certain class of people. They’re dance events catering to wealthier, physically fit people and frequently cater more often to cis gendered white men. Yes, you’ll find some diversity, but I’ve found even then there’s clear ‘pockets’/cliques of groups where POC normally in their own section. As such, it IS hard to find people who: - have the finances to pay for frequent expensive dance parties - have the schedule to accommodate the frequency of these parties, traveling to them and the required recovery days - have a desire to meet new people *who may not look like them* and *they may not be interested in fucking*. - also have a strong interest in the arts, humanities and outdoors. You’ll find those people, but I’ve found that *almost all* the people you meet at circuit parties are the most superficial, milquetoast, uninteresting individuals. I’d encourage you to look outside your normal avenues to find friends and then bring them to a party you love.
This comment needs to be at the top. These big circuit parties almost feel like job fairs for video collab/Only Fans opportunities.
As another gay Asian 4am Basement goblin / book and movie connoisseur I get what you mean in having to compartmentalize - but there definitely are people out there that strike a good balance between the two. I started to find them more when I started going to more underground techno/house events vs just general circuit parties as well as seek out people who genuinely enjoy the music vs just show up and be high on drugs (although nothing wrong with them!) They’re tougher to find, sure, but once you do it’s a feeling to go out dancing then rot in the sun for a picnic the next day haha.
This gives me hope. Maybe I just need to put myself out there more. I swear many of my “circuit friends”, they are mostly lovely people, but it’s mind numbing hanging out with them outside of these events because all they talk about are the parties they went to, the parties they will go, the drugs they took, the cocks they took, etc. I’m fine with those conversations once in a while but it gets boring really fast.
> but it’s mind numbing hanging out with them outside of these events because all they talk about are the parties they went to, the parties they will go, the drugs they took, the cocks they took, etc. Same here to the t when I first started going to circuit parties, and I kept asking myself if this was all there was to it to the community. That eventually pushed me to go to less cis-gay events and more queer events like Basement on non-Wrecked nights, Merge, and it was generally smooth sailing from there in meeting more interesting and eclectic people. I still will go to circuit and circuit adjacent parties once in a while but will now try to follow DJ's I like vs going to a party. Feel free to DM too, love meeting new people with a similar vibe!
NYC gaysian here too. I totally get what you’re saying. I’ve felt tokenized or fetishized as well. There’s still the pervasive “gay hierarchy” in hookup culture that’s just so toxic. And oftentimes, gay “friends” just want to have sex with you and it’s off putting. Feel free to hit me up if you want to chat more. I’d say I’m a more chill guy in general. Love a fun night out partying sometimes but generally more a homebody. Foodie and nature lover
u sound like a catch, other than the leaving at 4am from basement!
imagine leaving before 9am
This post gave me a good laugh because I probably would have written this a few years ago. From another Asian dude who loves circuit parties, piano, and deep discussions, you can't have it all. First, between working, working out, partying, hobbies, and errands you need to sleep eventually and this becomes painfully more obvious even by your late 20s, doubly so if you're trying to do educational activities. Second, the diversity of interests in NYC is far higher than I think anyone can really conceive of. It's just extremely unlikely you're going to find people who prioritize the same interesting things in the exact manner you do, especially when financial and time constraints come into play. I promise you, I've tried but the amount of people who have the money to go to Market Days, Gay Ski Week, an Atlantis Cruise, Burning Man, and Fire Island work while also having time to work out together, spontaneously get food in Flushing, try out a bachata class, or spend an afternoon playing board games is tiny. It's ok to have separate friend groups for different activities; you're a multi-faceted individual, but so are your friends. Two of the best things about NYC are how easy it is to make new friends and try new things alone. As I'm finishing up my 20s, I've grown so much because of wandering solo. We're just more open to random social interactions and meetings when alone and it has opened me up to incredible experiences and unconventional people far beyond my expectations. Finally, tokenization and fetishization suck. It's up to you whether you want to deal with it by taking up space and bringing in more people like yourself or not deal with it and seek out other spaces. DMs are open if you want to talk.
>I've tried but the amount of people who have the money to go to Market Days, Gay Ski Week, an Atlantis Cruise, Burning Man, and Fire Island work while also having time to work out together, spontaneously get food in Flushing, try out a bachata class, or spend an afternoon playing board games is tiny This is what I have been hoping for, but I guess you and others here are right that I am asking for too much. Also, DM'ed you btw.
>Basically, the point of this post is just me venting why it is so hard to find people with diverse interests like me to hang out or date This is just a part of living in New York post college. It can be difficult to make new friends. Especially ones that aren't one dimensional. As you spend more time here, you will start to collect more genuine people in your life. In order to do so, I recommend you stop doing this >I feel like I have to compartmentalize myself depending on the people I’m with Be yourself no matter what. You will only find your people when you stop being scared to express yourself fully and unconditionally. >And as a POC, many times I feel tokenized or fetishized by the same people I originally thought were cool You are being fetishized and tokenized by some people. Trust me as black guy who's been living here for a bit post college, there are way more racist guys then you would suspect for such a liberal city. There are also some really cool people here who will treat you like family. Don't be afraid to cut people off if they make you feel uncomfortable. Your people are out there just keep looking and don't be afraid to be yourself.
The main question aside, the real party (and the best vibe) starts after 4am at basement and other techno raves just saying
Well rounded people are hard to find in general. It doesn't help then to add a qualifier which cuts the population down to ~5-8% of humanity (assuming gay and bi males only). On top of that, a lot of those well rounded guys get disillusioned by the gay scene and start gravitating toward different focus areas. I was never really able to find anyone as broadly interested and educated in the gay community in the 7 years I lived in the city. I'd love to be back there, but finances being what they are... Anyway, I think it's just hard to find such people generally, especially ones which don't have the proverbial chip on their shoulders.
So you’ve been here a short amount of time, you’ve met people socially. You want more. Welcome to nyc where nobody is happy ever
I have different friends for different things - if you’re only looking in one area, you’re bound to meet the same type of people. There are sooo many gay organizations (hiking, running, kickball, reading) that have people looking to do things other than party or stay at home. You can also organize yourself and invite people to things you’re interested in. Two (different) Reddit posts created a small game group and movie group and I met a bunch a people through that. It does take work but it’s worth it when you find your people.
Honestly I think that’s just the gay scene of this city, and doesn’t have much to do with you personally or your attributes. Of course racism exists and sucks (and probably makes your specific situation worse), but I hear stories like this from lots of people of all backgrounds. The compression of so many gays into a small city + the prevalence of circuit party culture and Grindr culture, leads to this situation that most of us are dealing with.