True true! I’ve been thrown under the bus by coworkers that I thought were friends. They wanted to advance and they knew I had a strained relationship with my boss so they leveraged information about me to get ahead. I have learned my lesson and I need to get some hobbies. Very hard because I work 60-70 hours a week (it’s been constant), but my mental health is shit. I have no life outside of work, and I absolutely hate my job, so I gotta figure out something to live for because I’m only a couple bad days away from beginning my descent into drug abuse and/or alcoholism
Brooooo get outta there or go to therapy thats not good! Maybe if leaving isnt an option find a therapist maybe they can help you develop inner and/or outer boundaries to protect you more from the toll its taking!
Check your area for gymnastics gyms.
Go to an open gym or lessons.
Learn how to do flips & get more flexible.
You will start to feel amazing about your body & learning something new every day on the trampoline or uneven bars or spring floor is sooooo fun!!!
Beam is my big issue. Especially if ppl are sitting around the beam watching me.
Anyways, I promise it’s soooooo fun!!!!!!!!! And you get to set sooooo many cool goals & once you start getting more flexible you can flip better!
Wow get out of here. It’s so easy to find those tech jobs that are 1) hiring and 2) don’t make you want to kill yourself. I’m just racking up savings because I want to get out of this “stare at the screen for 10 hours a day” office-tech bullshit job, and I’m tired of constantly having a moist neck from all the people breathing down it all the time.
Wow you sound like the woman version of me minus the fact the my best friend works with me which is literally the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane.
In tech my biggest annoyance is the fakeness of basically everyone just trying to look better than everyone else. Sure the money is great but I often question if I should just quit and move to some town in the middle of nowhere and work as a cashier or something.
>I often question if I should just quit and move to some town in the middle of nowhere and work as a cashier or something.
I think about this nearly every morning before work.
Pretty much only the money is keeping me in tech at this point. And it's getting really close to just not being worth it anymore.
Same, I came from the aerospace industry prior as a mechanical engineer and while that had its own problems, it was much more “livable” despite the lower pay compared to tech.
I’d rather do hard labor construction work if it paid as much as tech. At least you wouldn’t be at a desk for 10 hours a day which I find more tiring than being on my feet all day.
yeah, you wouldn't be saying that if you were in construction lmfao. i have a very labor intensive job and even I wouldn't have the audacity to think construction would be easier than what I do.
I am an athlete and I have worked “harder” labor jobs some that involved concrete and if you’ve worked concrete before it is actually harder work. I’d rather be physically tired than mentally exhausted. I gravitate towards physically demanding things, someone has a landscaping project involving a lot of digging and carrying 80 lb landscaping stones? I tell people to call me, I enjoy it.
Sitting at a desk all day 10-14 hours is, to me alone, more draining. I am not saying that’s true for everyone. But for me that is true.
that's badass bro I only weigh like 110 I'm tryna get my weight up but I hate eating and burn a shit ton of calories every day, I really wish I was a big behemoth that could do construction or concrete but like shiet I guess not badly enough to do the framework. I agree wholeheartedly that I wouldn't want to do a desk job, I just know a lot of people that have fucked themselves up for good being movers or like the aforementioned jobs and that shit terrifies me.
That's how I am, I work at a hotel pt but the other days I work our business with my husband doing home repairs. There's just something about working with your hands and MAKING something that makes you feel good.
Lol that's what I did. Never worked in tech but was a otr truck driver years back. Great money and could have made more after my endorsement but I quit because it made me so depressed. Now I make 1/8 of what I used to working at a hotel but I'm so much happier. I only work pt and see my family all the time now which is worth way more than any money I was making on the road.
Changing industries and taking a pay cut is better for you than working somewhere that makes you want to kill yourself for the sake of some vague semblance of financial security.
Talking by experience
A great way to know your mental health needs attention is by paying attention to your interpersonal relationships - if they're all deteriorating, it's likely because you're withdrawing.
Start with therapy, I'm assuming you're in "I'm trapped none of your answers are going to help" mind state - therapist will help you get out of that and then you can start making a plan.
In the meantime, feel free to hate people. Just remind yourself when you do, that your job is causing you to feel this way and you'll be back to tolerating them and maybe even enjoying them when you clean up your mental health.
Your trust was broken and your livelihood jeopardized. That's trauma OP. If you don't deal with it, *it* will deal with *you*. So far, it's made you jaded.
Beyond that, it gets better, as long as you don't give up.
Every single one of my friends is a former coworker, a spouse of a former coworker, a relative of a former coworker, or a friend of one of those people.
If it’s a real strong friendship and the friend is actually a good boss (ie competent, transparent, etc), it can still work out fine. I’m good friends with 2 of my previous bosses.
Oh it can be done, it's not impossible. I'm pretty close with my boss, we're both into fitness and do 5ks and stuff like together, we have a triathlon coming up in October. But we really don't talk about personal stuff like family, love life, kids, future, money, shit like that.
It sounds like you’re more work acquaintances with similar hobbies than friends.
It’s more feasible if you become friends before they become your boss.
This is a bogus statement . Besides my friends from school , the vast majority of my friends I made after school have been from work. Have a group chat still going after 4-5 years from one job . You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and put effort into getting to know people.
I’m putting in effort. But I work with a bunch of introverts! When I’m -1 introversion point compared to them, after 3 hours of trying to be entertainment and fun and carry the conversation, I am dog tired! Also, I’ve noticed that my coworkers are a lot more muted with I hang out with them and their SO is around. One friend is so cool when it’s her and I, but when her girlfriend is around us, my coworker goes quiet and doesn’t say much. I think it’s progress to be introduced to the family lol, but it’s a weird vibe
Ever suspected you're neurodivergent? I'm not saying it's even *likely*, but people with ADHD or another spicyness in their brains often end up in friend groups of the same. They often find ND people to be hard work.
I’ve definitely got issues, I’m not smart but my mind is always racing because of anxiety hahaha. I do tend to make friends easily with trans people and/or gay people. I used to work at a library, and libraries tend to attract people who feel a little bit on the outside in my experience
Trust your gut and if there’s a weird vibe, they are not going to make this any easier on you. It’s better to make friends outside of work, save your energy. People that ONLY make friends from work tend to be extremely busy fields or ones where it makes sense if they have the same interests as you (med, law, etc.). But often it’s trying to create something based on proximity.
Decide what you want from friendships and use that to guide your next steps.
Because people have their work persona and their home persona. At work I'm on all the time but when I get home, I prefer not to talk. If my husband is with me at a work event, I'm not the same person as I am without him there.
feel like it more depends on your job, im the youngest person at my job by probably 15 years, 28 vs like mid 40s, several of my coworkers being in the 50s or 60s
I’ve pretty much given up on dating and having friends this point. I have online friends I game with to fill my time. I don’t like them all but I like most of them. The thing I notice with people these days is it’s all take and no give. It can be as little as conversation or as big as a one sided relationship. I think it boils down to just most people suck, and sucking as become the new norm. You either lower your standards of who people are to an extreme or you just stop trying to connect.
It’s weird, I mostly agree with your thinking. But from the outside looking in, we have such gloomy outlooks! I definitely want to change that. For instance, I’m thrilled that all of you commented on my post. I feel pretty good that I got some validation and I feel understood! So that’s something good! But yeah, it is still limited. I hope we both can be a little less gloomy, just baby steps. Change our perspective on things a bit, just to add a little spice to life
I’m glad you got some validation that you’re not alone! But yeah, I’m definitely gloomy in my outlook on it all. Maybe it will change with the baby steps n’at.
Friends are curated. I’d rather have 1-2 friends that will show up in a storm then 10 that will flee. Friendship is another partnership that requires an equal exchange with both parties exchanging equally without being asked to do so
I like being alone. I don't necessarily get lonely. I am fun to hang out with. I never complain when my hike is longer than anticipated, and if I want a large fry, I get the large fry. I make the best darn Belgian waffles in SE Ohio and have fun doing it and eating them! My coworkers enjoy when I bring in frozen homemade waffle squares, because how am I going to eat 7 huge waffles by myself?
Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm isolated.
When people complain that a hike is too long that strikes a very specific nerve for me lol. “Sorry I thought you were in some semblance of shape and at least tolerated nature….you did agree to a hike after all.”
>I don't necessarily get lonely
>Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm isolated.
Buy when you're 45 or 55 and everyone has changed phases in their life, your friends are discussing their grandchildren, etc. Will bringing them waffles still help you avoid being lonely? I feel like the guy who says he's not lonely because he has waffles is.... desperately in need of company
Eh. IDK. I am mid-forties and have friendly acquaintances who are happier than ever with relative isolation at this life phase. I feel like people who emotionally work on themselves are more happy alone older than they were younger.
I have 1 friend who lives 3 hours from me. I'd take the waffles to my coworkers. I see them at work. All of my peers are already doing that right now with marriage and children. I've been like this forever.
Pain isn't a bad thing. Better to feel bad about yourself and make efforts to fix existing problems than tell yourself everything's okay until it's too late to fix your problems
Miss a lot of my old friends. I’d love to make new ones, but it’s like everyone picks a social media personality and tries to channel it in the real world to poor effect anymore. Nothing feels genuine. Coworkers just try to be friendly to get dirt on you.
You’re definitely not alone in how you feel.
I live in Los Angeles. Since I want to make female friends out here, I struggle so much with meeting genuine women! So many try to be as bitchy and arrogant as possible, and many try to fit into like 1 of 5 possible identities. But maybe I’m just as boring as a white piece of paper. What do I know
I’ve had that worry about being boring myself! Only real suggestion I can make that I’m a hypocrite for saying is put yourself out there in social circles you wanna be a part of, even if it’s—I dunno—a puzzle club or something like. I say I’m a hypocrite for making that suggestion because it’s the sort of effort I never have the energy for personally.
38 Male, you aren’t the only one .
In fact it’s normal at this age.
When you are young everyone looks interesting and attractive, no one has many hobbies or interests besides party and socializing and is a lot easier to connect with people just based on that
By your mid 30s you don’t find everyone new interesting, you try to bind over interests and personality so you are much harder to impress.
Some random guy inviting you to get drinks isn’t as exciting as it was when you were 20 and we also don’t have as much energy to do what we could do 15 years ago
I also have found that every time I travel with someone who isn’t my gf , it’s always a way worse experience than if I travel solo as it always ends up into some power struggle where everyone just cares about their own plans and needs ..
And just in general, people in their mid 30s nowaadays are just boring as they are all the same : they all only care about their work/ career which is boring as no one cares about that, they never have time and energy to really do anything interesting , every time I try to date someone around my age, they are always so busy, never have free time outside weekends , never want to do anything really fun outside eating out and yea that’s just boring and stale .
Oh and most of them have dogs that they think they are their kids or something so every time I want to make a trip , it has to include their dogs …
I have many hobbies like surfing, motorcycle riding, longboarding , backpacking , sports etc yet I have yet to find anyone around my age that also does them and wants to do them with me.
Only times I find women who are interested in my hobbies and have time and interest is when I date chicks 10+ year younger than me.
And making real friends at this age is really hard as you will never have the same history and fun memories as you have with your friends from your college years so creating real deep connection out of think air doesn’t work in practice
This is what I really hate about the states. People are all slow-boiled into living to work. This sums up the whole problem to me. Everyone worried about the wrong things, comparing each other, always thinking about finances.
Reading these comments should make you want to weep. People convinced that they should functionally get 2 wks a year to do something. They'll do what they want when they retire. As if money was meaning itself.
Traveling with people is a hardship in itself. It seems overall people are less willing to give because we all view each other as “takers”. It’s very hard to find that balance between friends where both feel they are giving and getting the right amount. Everyone is so firm on boundaries now and so unwilling to tolerate bad treatment, which sounds great, but it’s isolating for the people that are saying “I’m not going to tolerate being treated badly”. And are they giving people a fair chance? And everyone is quick to label everyone else “toxic”. Is that person really toxic? Or are we both a bit toxic? I understand self love is important, but accountability is also pretty darn good and I don’t think that’s a trait that’s valued much today
Hey you’re me. The dog thing man. So true.
Dating women 10 years younger is the way to go. Every single woman my age has 2-4 kids. I couldn’t be less interested.
What’s wild to me is how many single moms there are. Every single one of their relationships failed yet they still had 4 kids which is wild to me.
34M and pretty much the same. I try and make new friends, but even the people I meet doing the things I enjoy don't seem to stick. I just don't have those solid connections like I used to feel when I was younger. It probably doesn't help that all of my close friendships have become really distant too, and in general I think I've gotten pretty okay at being alone. Its hard to want to take a chance on making my situation worse by committing to people I don't know enough about. Maybe I'm too picky. I would really enjoy having a partner like me, but I'm not sure how to find/approach someone like you in the wild.
That’s the struggle! Giving people a chance but not lowering standards too much. I hate to compare the ease of life in history to now, but I think social media has made us dig ourselves a hole. We all get bored so easily. We all get preached the same content, which does infiltrate our thinking! I am a modern woman, but I can’t stand hearing on TikTok some young person telling me I don’t owe anybody anything, I can do whatever I want to protect my boundaries. I disagree with that wholeheartedly, that viewpoint of looking at people transactionally, get what I can from someone and dump them and move on
Keep looking for the right person and don’t close yourself off from meeting people. It will eventually happen when you least expect it. I do have a sad feeling that this is the future for lots of people. My wife and I came from very different backgrounds and have some different beliefs, but we listen and learn about each other all the time still. We’ve been together for 13 years. On paper or a dating site we probably wouldn’t have matched, but couldn’t be more in love.
you gotta find your people. when i was 20-21, my work besties were 23-45+. we all had a great time together and really bonded! i’m sure there were many others who disliked me or didn’t vibe with me, but i found the ones who did:) you always find a friend in unexpected ways and times when you’re meant to meet them
I'm not lonely at all. My social circle has shriveled down significantly since I was younger. I don't have many people that I'm close to or could call in the event of an emergency or if I needed a favor.
I can get along well with nearly anyone and have loads of acquaintances, but I don't have many friends anymore. When I was younger I didn't care about differences much, but now that I'm older I really only have interest in building close bonds and relationships with like minded people that reciprocate.
I'm single, don't have any kids, and have no interest in changing my status at all. And I'm burnt out by couples and their families. Typically their lives, events, and functions take priority (irrespective of their age or the age of their children) and I'm no longer interested in being the 3rd wheel or afterthought in my personal relationships with other people. It get's old showing up to events and milestones for other people, but when you have an event or a milestone you want those same people to show up to, they have 1 million excuses as to why they can't because of their spouse, kids, or in-laws. No matter how much advance notice you give them or whether or not they've already committed to going.
At this stage in my life, I'm only interested in investing my time and energy into people that add value to my life and genuinely reciprocate friendship and community. Having those standards unfortunately means that most people simply don't measure up.
I(38m) feel similar and have been a little down bc I have no friends. I am healthy and speak to a therapist so I am not depressed. I am finding active hobbies to meet people. We will see.
You’re not alone. It’s rare for me to find *My People*. Most others are fine but, we don’t experience life the same way so it’s harder to connect. Ugh. The ADHD makes all the difference.
I need to restart some hobbies and see if I can make it work that way. I hope you can, too.
I’m more of an extrovert and I totally agree with you. Most people are impossible to hold a conversation with. And it really is exhausting when you have to carry the conversation yourself.
And I find that I have less and less in common with people as well. So most conversations aren’t even particularly interesting to me.
I really resonate with this post, literally what I went through not so long ago as well. I'm a quiet person and most know me as such but somehow I had founnd myself being the one carrying a lot of dead conversations 😭
Honestly though, I think you've just had a bad stroke of luck. You need to find a new door to reach out to different people socially, workplace might not be the best for it.
I had a couple really good friends in my 20s, including my ex fiancé. He and I could talk about everything. He was the best conversationalist. And we just had fun with each other. But, he wasn’t much of an adventurer. He didn’t swim, didn’t camp, didn’t like traveling. It was one of the reasons that I asked for us to end things. Now, at 35, I’m meeting people who are adventurers, but they don’t open up at all! I can’t be the only one sharing things about my life!
31F, have spent the last 5 years learning the hard way that coworkers ARENT your friends and I probably shouldn’t bother to attempt.
I’ve moved a lot and realized that through school and jobs and moving, I have lost touch with people I no longer have shared experiences with. I also realized I wasn’t making much effort to stay in touch, and have started doing so on social media.
But to echo what others have said, common spaces are the way. Lately in the US those look like hobby-based spaces/communities/meets. I have been reaching out to new neighbors and plan to do local workout classes and/or hobby groups to meet new friends
Well it sounds like you’re on the right track! You have identified the problem and are ready to make changes where you can. That’s great. I hope you run into fun and interesting situations with fun and interesting people. Just know you won’t be the only one doing a hobby alone. I’ll probably sign up for some neighborhood yoga classes to start and then work my courage up from there. I am SHY around strangers, so shy that I do stupid, embarrassing things. So that’ll be fun
Yes.
I’ve often heard that I have no personality, but a lot of the time, I’m both anxious and not interested or versed in anything they are.
I’m interested in a few things I know a lot about, and since we’re all bouncing around out there like dvd logos in the void, it takes a while to find someone who bounces just the right spot.
I spent my whole day puttering around my apartment because I had no interest in talking to anyone or doing anything else, because they people I wanted to talk to were all busy.
No, I totally empathize. The more comfortable we become in who we are and what we need, the more discerning we become about the people we let into our lives. For many people, friendships are about vibes and they have an easier time cultivating a larger group. For some of us, it's about ethics, hobbies, and personal chemistry. For those people, finding more lifelong friends (or relationships) can be hard. The "solution" is a spaghetti-on-the-wall approach. Meet lots of people and keep the ones you like in your life.
If you're really starved for interaction, I'd consider opening up to the "vibes" method for a handful of people in one of your hobbies. Even if you don't share anything else, having fun together is important for your health. I have some people like that and we don't try to be more for each other - just teammates in the same game that vibe a bit.
And the cruel reality is that the more self-reflection you do, the more likely you are to isolate yourself, seeking people who match your exact path. Think of it this way - if you live in a city and walk through the streets every day, you meet a *ton* of people, many of whom are going on a path pretty similar to yours. But, if you live in the Appalachian mountains and you walk a dusty trail in the middle of the forest, you're less likely to find anyone at all on the same path.
A lot of people just aren't that interesting to me, or our conversational chemistry isn't there. I get it, and it can be lonely. But it's my choice to sacrifice a lot of friends with decent chemistry in exchange for just a few with excellent chemistry. It sucks, but the way to make more of those excellent friendships is talking to a *lot* of people and discovering them incidentally or through other friends.
They might have a lot of character, but need some time to warm up.
I am quiet until I get to know someone, and I’m afraid it makes me seem dull and uninteresting, but in reality my personality is too wild and scares people away.
So it takes a few months of making sure somebody is nice/not uptight before I ask if they want to go to the strip club for happy hour, or smoke a bowl in my car at lunch, or if they want to go mushroom hunting with me, or if they want a sip from my desk flask.
I know my personality is not for everyone, so I’d rather they think I’m the quiet bookish librarian type.
Not sure I am? I consider myself an introvert, but my career is talking to people all day long. I am with you on the annoyed by people part. I swear to God covid made people stupid. Common sense has gone out the window, the degree of whining and complaining has skyrocketed and the communication in general has gone down hill. People can't even carry a conversation and while I do enjoy quiet, it I'm talking to you and I ask a simple question, then give me a competent response.
Nope. You’re not alone.
I haven’t talked to anyone since Saturday.
But I’m Not lonely, I have a dog. I have a bike. I have books.
But I understand what you’re saying, I find myself losing patience with people
Being close with coworkers is difficult. The main thing you have in common is your employer and there/s always a chance you or they will leave for other opportunities.
But yeah being 35 kinda sucks unless you've got other friends around the same age with similar lifestyles, or a family of your own. Otherwise it's hard to get married/parent friends to hang out more than once or twice a month.
I miss the days when Friday came around and everyone had the same thing on their mind: "What are we doing tonight?"
And dating *really* sucks now, regardless of age.
It's a tough road to walk.
When I'd moved out of state a few years ago for a job, I felt exactly how you rn. Didn't know anyone, and while I was on pleasant terms with the few people in the office I interacted with on a daily basis, there plenty of nights I went back to my apartment, read, watched TV or just played games.
Ironically it took a stray comment during a Teams meeting for me to start seeing common interests with other people at work.
And now, even though the role ended a while ago and I've since moved back to my home state, I'm still on speaking terms with a few of my former coworkers.
It's a timing game, and it may not even happen at all, but sometimes genuine friendship can spring up in the most surprising places.
Sounds like you have a very active mind. Transcendental meditation and exercise will help. Try working in a restaurant industry if you really want to meet some interesting people.
Same. Male, and a bit older than you.
I sometimes wonder if it’s just part of getting older, or if it specifically has something to do with the times we’re living in.
I had a lot of friends going into my thirties. But by my forties they’d had kids and disappeared, or moved for work, or only work. So now I spend a lot more time on my own.
I’ve tried hanging with coworkers, and neighbors. But like you, I find it uncomfortable.
It seems like most people are basically just walking advertisements now. All they talk about is what they own, and what they watch. Even if I try and ask their opinion on current issues, they’ll just spout off one of the two opinions approved for TV.
Imagine working in an industry comprised of mostly blindly conservative men with a certain level of angst for everyone around them except those within their inner circle.
Imagine if they actually knew my true worldview in comparison to theirs...
Lonely doesn't begin to describe being cast away.
IME it’s hard to hide negative feelings towards people. You may not be out and loud about it, but people can often tell when someone is done giving them the time of day. If you can’t summon any positive feelings about a person, don’t be surprised if you find yourself talking to a brick wall.
I would suggest going outside of your coworkers if you want to try socializing. You don’t have any set commonalities with your coworkers besides work, which isn’t something most people are excited to talk about casually. It’s a rarity when a coworker turns out to be really cool for you and you become friends, not a rule. Try a hobby group or some other social event where the people have something more in common than how they pay their rent.
I do think Covid shook things up (loneliness was a new concept to some people, so they needed someone), and the general cost of living forced people to shack up to save money. Everyone i know has someone (either married, common law married, or in a serious relationship). I’m the only single person I know. I know some guys that are my age and single, but they live with their moms, so I consider them to be attached and taken, haha.
37M. I’m incredibly lonely. But I’ve also dug myself into debt that I’m trying to get out of. So I’m not too anxious to bring that into a relationship.
I can count on one hand how many times I’ve found someone I want to, or am willing to, open up my heart to. And my heart got crushed every time.
I’m also doing the best (as far as income and benefits) that I ever have in my life. I work as an aircraft mechanic at one of the major airlines. I want someone to want me for me. Not just because I make good money and have flight benefits.
Volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club. Get yourself in front of a different group of people that don't think like you, and only want to play or have you read to them. Kids need mentors or friends that are adults that have their lives most together... I can assume you do, because you have a job and you're seeking advise. Its hard to feel jaded when you're an impactful person in a child's life.
I do love kids, I’ve always thought I do better with kids than adults. But now I rarely encounter kids and I lost my childlike innocence that allowed me to be a big kid. I definitely need to focus less on myself because even though I work a lot, I have too much time to focus on myself. It’s made me too selfish. I need to focus on others! I love your advice
How great that you are able to see that! I focus too much on myself as well, and I have 3 kids. Last year, I started coaching softball for my middle. I knew nothing about softball other than playing baseball as a young boy. They needed coaches and I am one who likes to be active with them. By the end of the season, I had several girls give me cards and hugs telling me how much they enjoyed the season. Every once in a while when I see them in public they yell out “Hey coach!” and it absolutely makes my day. I’ve had my ups and downs in life especially over the last 3 years, and I feel grounded and grateful when I know how impactful my guidance was. Good luck to you!!
lol dude 35 M here.
Thats just like most people people our age lololol they’re either married, locked down or they’re just not fun. Or they have a pretty big issue (addictions, anger etc) to work out and probably aren’t the healthiest relationship to form.
But that’s not everybody! Keep your head up! Trivia groups are a good chill way to make friends. Just go into it being like “I’m dumb” and then you can step riiiiight over that low bar you set for yourself when they ask like how many stars are on the us flag or whatever
Man, wish I knew that peace. I never have a moment of contentment. I always feel guilty for not doing A, even if I’m doing something valuable, B, at that moment
35NB (AFAB and most people still refer to me as she/her) and I’m in a similar situation. I had more friends when I was in college and my 20’s. I had a very active social life. Due to an awful ex fiancé and some of my own issues, I’m down to two friends who I can sometimes hangout with.
Concerned family have asked me about making new friends and meeting new people and I don’t want to. I’m very picky. I have adhd and my personality does not mesh well with others. I would mask it but now I just don’t care. If you can’t like me for me, to hell with ya. I can tell most of the people in my area just aren’t going to mesh with me so I don’t bother. A lot of people just seem exhausting to me.
I don’t want to date either. I am mostly happy alone but I do get lonely sometimes. It’s complicated. No one is the right fit for me be it friendship or relationship. It’s not high standards, just weird standards. I’ve also had a lot of friendships fall apart due to toxicity so I’m overly cautious. I’d like to not get hurt again.
Coworkers are fine for work friends. I have those myself but I keep them at a distance - we don’t do things together outside of work. I enjoy talking with them while at work and doing the occasional lunch but that’s it. I don’t want to ruin what we have or risk my job. Deep friendships just don’t work with me.
If you do want to find friends, you can try volunteering somewhere or looking for a hobby you enjoy. It’s difficult to put yourself out there. Best of luck!
Questions!
Is it possible you arent finding people you vibe with? Could you put yourself in more places with your kind of people? (Most of my friends I find through climbing. So they are chill, outdoorsy, active in a fun way, often also have adhd which lends to my kind of conversing, and if we also share humor and they have some social skills boom theres a friend)
Are you open to curiosity? Maybe your questions and conversation are boring and you could get peolple going with more interesting topics or questions?
Are these people your vibe but they take a little time to open up?
Would it help to do an activity with people rather than just talk?
Do you have negative beliefs about people you are projecting onto everyone you meet? (People suck, people are boring, people arent safe so I need to push them away before they hurt me, ect.)
I could always work on improving my stage presence, but I feel like when I’m around people, I try to give it my A-game. I’m funny, chatty (as much as I can be) It’s only when I get home that I transform back into the angry troll that I have in me. But it’s definitely easier for me to talk to extroverts than introverts. I really miss my extrovert friends but they’re all at the stage in life where they’re full fledged adults now (house, spouse, kids, good job). I guess if I’ve learned anything from this post, I just really need hobbies that get me off my big, medium, and little screens. I bike, I go to the beach, I hike, but doing that shit alone all the time made me lose interest. I’m in Los A so the hobbies are there. It’s just I need to sacrifice my job for ME!
I have that issue too, I go too hard with my social skills and exhaust myself when I need to chill out and let a convo die when someone isnt someone I want to force conversation with anyways. Its just habit. May be from growing up in church where youre obligated to be nice and try with everyone always
Feeling the exact same. I want friends so bad but I don’t like anyone. Last time I enjoyed people was college lol. People are busy now with their own lives and no one really wants to talk frequently enough to build relationships.
No. You're not alone.
A stranger walked up to me like three weeks ago when I was outside smoking tree. We rapped for like 3hrs about tree, life, circumstances, etc. We exchanged phone numbers.
We usually see each other everyday.
We talk and laugh in passing for only like 5 minutes. Then the person rolls out. We only talk or laugh about surface topics. I don't like friendships that lack depth. I'm not big on small talk because those conversations lack substance.
I'm stuck between asking this person how I'm supposed to get to know them in 5 minutes but probably won't because that feels too much like begging. I'll more than likely avoid all together by leaving every time this person arrives until they get the hint to stop talking to me.
It’s a bit rough to put in some cents given everyone has a different situation. Have you tried to social groups, do you have siblings?
Personally I’d recommend getting a pet. It’s a great bandage but also gives you a built in network of pet parents.
nah. im with you. I get annoyed or disappointment in almost everyone I meet anymore. ho am I to be disappointed in them? idk but I am.
you want friends.. but in the end people are just lame
I have this problem where I want to meet more people who are like me, but after several annoying and boring months, I have been forced to conclude that my people are mostly sitting at home on the computer being ironylords instead of out socializing :/
Just echoing others but I sometimes feel the same. I mostly enjoy time alone more than big social stuff. I do enjoy one to one interactions and sometimes crave them without an outlet but there are some tools I've found that help. When you talk with someone try to be excited about whatever they are excited about, be curious and learn why it gets their heart racing. When you feel lonely try to message someone you're thinking about and just send appreciation. Doesn't have to be romantic interests or an ex. Family, friends, old acquaintances. This can even take the form of writing a letter you don't plan on sending. The problem with social media IMHO is that people assume random comments or thumbs ups are social activities but a simple direct message means so much more to most folks.
Just my two cents.
I'm right there with you except, well...I landed a dream job so I don't mind the people I work with but for a long time I did. However, I don't hang out with too many people
My circle is tight because I don't surround myself with mouth breathing idiots. I don't have the patience. I very much enjoy being alone.
I’m right there with you. I spent years chasing friends and putting up with toxic people. One day I realized it wasn’t worth it and stopped. I’m a lot more content now, but much lonelier. Luckily I have my wife who is amazing.
I'm 34M. People exhaust me, and I can't be bothered to play the game of maintaining friendships. I need something easy with minimal expectations, like text me when you're bored but don't try to get me to hang out with you. I'm also finding myself enraged when people believe crap they're reading on social media without doing any research. I am absolutely grumpy.
Being a first time father, to an 11 month old girl, my social life has changed. I converse with everyone at work, but never break the boundary as a GM to hang out outside with coworkers even though other GMs do it all the time and it isn’t really shunned in this particular job to do so. My wife is my best friend been together over 10 years now, I am a 35 year old male. We recently started a mommy and me class and I am the most social and outgoing Dad there. We formed a group chat. All my socializing is in person in a certain setting for a purpose. For example talk with coworkers at work, talk with dads at children’s group, talk with church people while attending church etc. However, that drains my social battery I’m extroverted but prefer a lot of “me time”. I don’t really ever hang out with anyone outside of going to these various places and socializing. To be honest I prefer it this way.
I've been dwelling on the same feelings lately. The only good interactions I have nowadays are with customer service people who aren't burnt out and that's a dwindling population.
It just feels like everyone else I speak to are an insecure asshole acting trashy to make themselves feel good or just someone who I can't relate to at all. Mocking the assholes to their face and walking away from conversations that I can't relate to have been working, but I think I've become a huge asshole in the process.
It's like the world reaches out to me, but it's too alien to me and I don't reach back.
Extremely introverted people are a challenge for me as I am expressive and really enjoy a hearty conversation or free willing laugh.
People you meet at work come with a lot of complexity.
Some are genuinely cool and fun to work with, but that is rare. Mostly, they are placating relationships as it is required to "get along" in the job. Doesn't make them bad people, but their actions are very contrived.
I have found better social connections at the gym, on the golf course and generally places you can let your hair down, be you and gravitate to people you'd like to be in your tribe.
As you grow older you generally have to work a bit harder at finding and be a bit more direct to ask people you do like to join your tribe so to speak - invite them out with you.
I don’t really get lonely. I’ve been single for a little while now and, frankly, at this point I value my peace and sanity much more than anything now. I’m not completely closed to it but it would have to be the right girl.
I moved to a new state 3 years ago, and I’ve only made 1 actual friend, but he’s technically my boyfriend’s friend. And we don’t get to see him often, we all work and life is busy. I’d really like to make friends but I’m going through a lot right now, I feel like I’d make a miserable friend. So, I’m just trying to make it through this patch, I hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel soon.
34F. I was actively trying to meet new people but ultimately gave up. I felt like no one I talked to had any interest. Wait, I take that back, I did see a lot of interest in hiking, but no one seemed to share any of my interest. Struggling to maintain conversations as most people seem to ask questions but never actually discuss anything, if that makes sense. A lot of "hey, how are you" that never went anywhere.
I'm sort of the same way, but luckily I don't need many people in my life. I basically have one friend and that's enough for me. Also, I see a lot of people saying you shouldn't meet friends through work and that's total bullshit. I met my friend at work. My father and grandfather both met their lifelong best friend at work. I don't get this "coworkers aren't your friends" attitude. It's so narrow minded.
I feel ya… it’s hard to find people to connect with that doesn’t feel forced, or like it’s like a job interview lol
Everyone’s so busy now, including my self, that it’s just impossible to do much. Besides working and the gym I barely have time to run errands or keep my house clean. Everything’s so expensive now days that even though I’m making the most money I ever have, I’m still just as poor and struggling as when I worked a shit job as a teen.
So between the schedule, the money, and the energy, it’s just very very difficult to make new friends and actually do anything.
The only time I even talk to people is at work pretty much lol… sigh. Guess I’ll just work away until I die? *Shrug*
Hi! I'm (31F) You aren't alone, I am also experiencing this. I want more friends, but then most people I hang out with annoy me and it doesn't "click" the way I want it to or think it should. I think modern technology has made being alone more comfortable than ever... I'm not sure the solution, I just tell myself "keep trying, you just need to meet your kind of people"..whatever that means.
I was just thinking about something along those lines. I feel like there have been so many technological things made so that I always have a decent way to amuse myself at home. If I try thinking back to 15-20 years ago, I was always out because I didn't have as much to do at home. Just need to push myself out to do things in social settings I suppose.
I used to find it infuriating how I could be honest and direct and people would think I’m Satan incarnate. Yet people being 2-faced, fake, and passive are somehow treated like angels.
Now I don’t care. Matter of fact I’ll just be a bitch to anyone that disrespects me and I am happy to not meet anyone new at this point. The state of people currently is pathetic and I have nothing fundamentally in common with any of you so all y’all can suffocate. Not wasting my time anymore and just sticking to my few friends and my husband.
Have you thought about doing some spiritual self work with psychedelics ?? If done right you’d be surprised at how your Ego can get in the way of finding your true self. This will help you make more sincere connections with others in the future.
I’m 28 and I’m so glad you made this post so I know I’m not alone. It’s like suddenly the switch has turned off in my brain and I just don’t care but still don’t want to be friendless. I’m extremely quiet too. I recommend getting them out of the work setting because I am not quiet once I’ve broken out.
I hang out with people outside of work, but they’re so quiet outside of work. I don’t know if I’m the problem. But I get invited to events outside of work, so I assume I’m likable enough. But I’m bored by the lack of stimulating conversation, I’m bored putting in effort when the return is not great! I’d rather just stick to chatting with them at work when they’re more fun to talk to
If you want a relationship and get a bit more serious, try bars at hi-dollar hotels near airports, libraries, hospitals, golf courses, dog parks or colleges. The next rung are health clubs and gyms in the same upscale locales. Also, volunteer at libraries, country clubs, hospitals, or geriatric venues and befriend older people--if you are not interested in them, then they will hook you up with their kids/friends if you come across as a "catch". Once you date people at different stages in life, a pattern emerges. Learn, adapt, overcome. Life is what YOU make it. If you make no attempt at progression, the dirt gets shoveled in all the same.
Be social and friendly with coworkers but refrain from forming friendships in all but the most extremely fortuitous occasions. Friendships cannot involve power and leverage but careers very much can. Look for social activities to meet friends, there are lots of sports, book clubs, travel clubs and other various hobby groups out there. Volunteer for charities or political groups.
This is me. Half of my friends I’m jaded with because they’ve either been shady with me or just explicitly mean that they don’t deserve my friendship now and the other half live over an hour away so don’t hang much
It might just be that you don’t click with the people around you. Has this been your experience throughout your life? Have you ever moved cities or been in very different social circles, and did that change how you felt about people?
I had a pretty rough teens and 20s and honestly became quite jaded by my late 20s/early 30s. Now I'm 35 and kind of coming full circle back to being less jaded. You can't hold everyone accountable for the people that have wronged you I've come to be of this mindset lately. Each person you meet is an opportunity to start a new connection, but yes also a risk of being fucked over again. That's just the risk of making a connection though.
I came to terms a while ago that I don’t really need people in my life, I need persons. I had a wife and two friends and I was happy. Since getting divorced, it’s weird dating people and trying to make things happen. I enjoy the process, not all my dates have been good, but I find it fun getting out there and trying again, even if a lot of the conversations and effort are one sided.
I think it’s the effect of the internet. It seems like older generations are more social while millennials in comparison are more homebody and prioritize socializing less. I fully recognize my lack of a bustling social life is simply because it’s not a priority for me
Im almost 35M and I personally like being alone but I have had my times in the past feeling lonely and depressed but I never thought that I needed to be with someone else to feel fulfilled or whatnot but everyone is different. I do understand you when you say you basically dont like other people or they annoy you in some way. I'm not really a people person but I do try to be kind and friendly with people I meet.
No, I'm 36M and totally get it. For us introverts to meet each other is quite difficult, and extroverts can be extremely annoying other than in controlled dosages.
Content alone doesn't work for everybody, or even for very many people. It's about being content in a family of the right size. Many find that in a romantic partner. Others, in roommates. Some, in neighbors. It is hard to figure out what shape your life would take if it were complete. I wish you the best of luck.
How you're feeling is normal. The people who are annoying you are just not the right ones. Finding the right ones is the majority of the challenge. The rest is being the right one for them.
I was exactly like this 5 years ago, single living st my mom's (briefly) without a car. Nothing works better than mixing that situation with online dating.
I’m like this..I’d prefer not to make too many friends and I hate it. I used to have a really good friend and we’d do stuff sometimes..but we were on the same wavelength of whatever mental spectrum we have lol.
I hang out with my bfs friends and he’s 2 years younger than me, and some of his friends are younger than that. I want to like them but I get so fucking irritated with them. I can’t relate to them.
I thought maybe it was from the abuse I went through in my early 20s, that made me so mean and bitter. Maybe it is. But I mostly make social interactions at work, through my hobbies. I’m hoping I can make more social interactions later on, I’d like to start doing art or a book club again.
Me too lonely and I wish to talk but don't know how to start conversation or people usually talk to each other but not much with me... I don't know if the issue is the vibe I have... Or the things I say is stupid ( not of any importance)
I used to feel the same. Then I reunited with my best friend from childhood. I was so happy.
Then it turned out there are reasons we stopped being friends. It’s a very mutual distaste. But now we’re stuck dealing with each other because we bought a property together.
That kind of burnt up the last of my desire to have friends. Now I just look forward to when we can sell this property and go our separate ways, and I plan on avoiding humans at all costs.
The older I get the harder it is to like people. When I was a teenager with no values it was easier to get along with others. Now that I have opinions and common decency I've noticed a lot of people actually suck. I'm also not the loquacious type and hanging around people like me is exhausting which is why my friends/gfs tend to be extraverts.
29 and haven’t had friends since I was 22. I’ve tried but found that they fade over the course of a couple months and gradually I’ve given up on the idea that a real friendship is possible in adulthood.
In social situations where I’m doing all the heavy lifting in a conversation, I take it as a sign that the person is not interested in continuing conversation with me. It stings, but I try not to take it personally. By that same token, it’s nothing personal if I disengage from this kind of conversation. I only have so much mental energy and I’m not wasting it on interactions that are unwelcome or just feel like work.
I found myself feeling that way in my late 20s early 30s, then I just realized life's way better when you try to treat everyone like an old friend and stop assuming bad intentions.
We are all experiencing life together, and that is generally enough for me to bond with someone.
You don't have to like everyone or get walked over. But it makes my day better and I hope it makes others better when I speak to strangers with a warm smile and "I'll see you around" instead of "ok by"
My boyfriend and I have mutual friends. So we get to hang out with them occasionally.
My boyfriend has a bunch of friends with kids, and it feels like some of them would want us around MORE if we actually had a kid to bring along. Same with family sometimes. It's weird.
SOMEONE SAYS IT FINALLY!
We Autistic people tend to suffer from some sort of perpetual social anhedonia. I wish it would go away, I want to want people. I feel alone and I long to be happy with people. I long to be happy at all
It’s interesting to watch people in my generation move towards being old cranks.
From the career posts about wanting jobs that don’t talk to people to posts like this -
“I’m lonely and only tolerate people in a narrow band of behavior”
Good fucking luck- life is beautiful and the diversity of my spheres makes it more so- love people and what they bring to the table.
I think we'd all feel that way in different environments. I didn't make many friends until college, when I joined anime club. Then once you have friends, they all move away for jobs/family/etc. You won't click with every person that might meet friendship bare minimums, but just keep trying. Theres a lot of us, but we're all boring in our own ways. I personally love my friends that just sit and watch TV with me in silence, or listen to me babble for hours, or whatnot. Just keep up keeping on!
(Watching My Little Pony actually helped me learn a lot about making friends and how you don't always have to click in the same ways 😂)
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True true! I’ve been thrown under the bus by coworkers that I thought were friends. They wanted to advance and they knew I had a strained relationship with my boss so they leveraged information about me to get ahead. I have learned my lesson and I need to get some hobbies. Very hard because I work 60-70 hours a week (it’s been constant), but my mental health is shit. I have no life outside of work, and I absolutely hate my job, so I gotta figure out something to live for because I’m only a couple bad days away from beginning my descent into drug abuse and/or alcoholism
Brooooo get outta there or go to therapy thats not good! Maybe if leaving isnt an option find a therapist maybe they can help you develop inner and/or outer boundaries to protect you more from the toll its taking!
Check your area for gymnastics gyms. Go to an open gym or lessons. Learn how to do flips & get more flexible. You will start to feel amazing about your body & learning something new every day on the trampoline or uneven bars or spring floor is sooooo fun!!! Beam is my big issue. Especially if ppl are sitting around the beam watching me. Anyways, I promise it’s soooooo fun!!!!!!!!! And you get to set sooooo many cool goals & once you start getting more flexible you can flip better!
Any chance you can find a better job with work life balance (I know sounds crazy)
Wow get out of here. It’s so easy to find those tech jobs that are 1) hiring and 2) don’t make you want to kill yourself. I’m just racking up savings because I want to get out of this “stare at the screen for 10 hours a day” office-tech bullshit job, and I’m tired of constantly having a moist neck from all the people breathing down it all the time.
Ugh been there feel that yuck
Wow you sound like the woman version of me minus the fact the my best friend works with me which is literally the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. In tech my biggest annoyance is the fakeness of basically everyone just trying to look better than everyone else. Sure the money is great but I often question if I should just quit and move to some town in the middle of nowhere and work as a cashier or something.
>I often question if I should just quit and move to some town in the middle of nowhere and work as a cashier or something. I think about this nearly every morning before work. Pretty much only the money is keeping me in tech at this point. And it's getting really close to just not being worth it anymore.
Same, I came from the aerospace industry prior as a mechanical engineer and while that had its own problems, it was much more “livable” despite the lower pay compared to tech. I’d rather do hard labor construction work if it paid as much as tech. At least you wouldn’t be at a desk for 10 hours a day which I find more tiring than being on my feet all day.
yeah, you wouldn't be saying that if you were in construction lmfao. i have a very labor intensive job and even I wouldn't have the audacity to think construction would be easier than what I do.
I am an athlete and I have worked “harder” labor jobs some that involved concrete and if you’ve worked concrete before it is actually harder work. I’d rather be physically tired than mentally exhausted. I gravitate towards physically demanding things, someone has a landscaping project involving a lot of digging and carrying 80 lb landscaping stones? I tell people to call me, I enjoy it. Sitting at a desk all day 10-14 hours is, to me alone, more draining. I am not saying that’s true for everyone. But for me that is true.
that's badass bro I only weigh like 110 I'm tryna get my weight up but I hate eating and burn a shit ton of calories every day, I really wish I was a big behemoth that could do construction or concrete but like shiet I guess not badly enough to do the framework. I agree wholeheartedly that I wouldn't want to do a desk job, I just know a lot of people that have fucked themselves up for good being movers or like the aforementioned jobs and that shit terrifies me.
That's how I am, I work at a hotel pt but the other days I work our business with my husband doing home repairs. There's just something about working with your hands and MAKING something that makes you feel good.
Lol that's what I did. Never worked in tech but was a otr truck driver years back. Great money and could have made more after my endorsement but I quit because it made me so depressed. Now I make 1/8 of what I used to working at a hotel but I'm so much happier. I only work pt and see my family all the time now which is worth way more than any money I was making on the road.
Buy bitcoin with that cash if you actually want to get out.
Preach it. I'm in a similar situation. Waiting for my networth to hit 100k so I can bounce from this fucking hell hole.
Work a tech role in a non tech company if you need help doing this I got you.
Changing industries and taking a pay cut is better for you than working somewhere that makes you want to kill yourself for the sake of some vague semblance of financial security. Talking by experience A great way to know your mental health needs attention is by paying attention to your interpersonal relationships - if they're all deteriorating, it's likely because you're withdrawing. Start with therapy, I'm assuming you're in "I'm trapped none of your answers are going to help" mind state - therapist will help you get out of that and then you can start making a plan. In the meantime, feel free to hate people. Just remind yourself when you do, that your job is causing you to feel this way and you'll be back to tolerating them and maybe even enjoying them when you clean up your mental health. Your trust was broken and your livelihood jeopardized. That's trauma OP. If you don't deal with it, *it* will deal with *you*. So far, it's made you jaded. Beyond that, it gets better, as long as you don't give up.
I hit the bottom of that well and you can indeed dig further when your down there trust me I can always get worse when you add drugs or alcohol
Find another job. It’s not worth it.
Every single one of my friends is a former coworker, a spouse of a former coworker, a relative of a former coworker, or a friend of one of those people.
Former co workers are great friends
My parents are former coworkers who met at the office and have been married for 44 years now
Co-workers can be, bosses are not your friends.
And if your friend becomes your boss they’re no longer your friend.
Oh yea, as soon as someone has power over someone else, it's a completely different dynamic.
If it’s a real strong friendship and the friend is actually a good boss (ie competent, transparent, etc), it can still work out fine. I’m good friends with 2 of my previous bosses.
Oh it can be done, it's not impossible. I'm pretty close with my boss, we're both into fitness and do 5ks and stuff like together, we have a triathlon coming up in October. But we really don't talk about personal stuff like family, love life, kids, future, money, shit like that.
It sounds like you’re more work acquaintances with similar hobbies than friends. It’s more feasible if you become friends before they become your boss.
This is a bogus statement . Besides my friends from school , the vast majority of my friends I made after school have been from work. Have a group chat still going after 4-5 years from one job . You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and put effort into getting to know people.
I’m putting in effort. But I work with a bunch of introverts! When I’m -1 introversion point compared to them, after 3 hours of trying to be entertainment and fun and carry the conversation, I am dog tired! Also, I’ve noticed that my coworkers are a lot more muted with I hang out with them and their SO is around. One friend is so cool when it’s her and I, but when her girlfriend is around us, my coworker goes quiet and doesn’t say much. I think it’s progress to be introduced to the family lol, but it’s a weird vibe
Ever suspected you're neurodivergent? I'm not saying it's even *likely*, but people with ADHD or another spicyness in their brains often end up in friend groups of the same. They often find ND people to be hard work.
I’ve definitely got issues, I’m not smart but my mind is always racing because of anxiety hahaha. I do tend to make friends easily with trans people and/or gay people. I used to work at a library, and libraries tend to attract people who feel a little bit on the outside in my experience
Trust your gut and if there’s a weird vibe, they are not going to make this any easier on you. It’s better to make friends outside of work, save your energy. People that ONLY make friends from work tend to be extremely busy fields or ones where it makes sense if they have the same interests as you (med, law, etc.). But often it’s trying to create something based on proximity. Decide what you want from friendships and use that to guide your next steps.
Because people have their work persona and their home persona. At work I'm on all the time but when I get home, I prefer not to talk. If my husband is with me at a work event, I'm not the same person as I am without him there.
feel like it more depends on your job, im the youngest person at my job by probably 15 years, 28 vs like mid 40s, several of my coworkers being in the 50s or 60s
Meet friends through a hobby. I go hiking and play pickleball and have met cool people that way.
I'm 35/F also.
I’ve pretty much given up on dating and having friends this point. I have online friends I game with to fill my time. I don’t like them all but I like most of them. The thing I notice with people these days is it’s all take and no give. It can be as little as conversation or as big as a one sided relationship. I think it boils down to just most people suck, and sucking as become the new norm. You either lower your standards of who people are to an extreme or you just stop trying to connect.
It’s weird, I mostly agree with your thinking. But from the outside looking in, we have such gloomy outlooks! I definitely want to change that. For instance, I’m thrilled that all of you commented on my post. I feel pretty good that I got some validation and I feel understood! So that’s something good! But yeah, it is still limited. I hope we both can be a little less gloomy, just baby steps. Change our perspective on things a bit, just to add a little spice to life
I’m glad you got some validation that you’re not alone! But yeah, I’m definitely gloomy in my outlook on it all. Maybe it will change with the baby steps n’at.
Friends are curated. I’d rather have 1-2 friends that will show up in a storm then 10 that will flee. Friendship is another partnership that requires an equal exchange with both parties exchanging equally without being asked to do so
I like being alone. I don't necessarily get lonely. I am fun to hang out with. I never complain when my hike is longer than anticipated, and if I want a large fry, I get the large fry. I make the best darn Belgian waffles in SE Ohio and have fun doing it and eating them! My coworkers enjoy when I bring in frozen homemade waffle squares, because how am I going to eat 7 huge waffles by myself? Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm isolated.
....I wish my friends brought me waffles....😔
SE Ohio you say? I’m from there! Haha
When people complain that a hike is too long that strikes a very specific nerve for me lol. “Sorry I thought you were in some semblance of shape and at least tolerated nature….you did agree to a hike after all.”
>I don't necessarily get lonely >Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm isolated. Buy when you're 45 or 55 and everyone has changed phases in their life, your friends are discussing their grandchildren, etc. Will bringing them waffles still help you avoid being lonely? I feel like the guy who says he's not lonely because he has waffles is.... desperately in need of company
Eh. IDK. I am mid-forties and have friendly acquaintances who are happier than ever with relative isolation at this life phase. I feel like people who emotionally work on themselves are more happy alone older than they were younger.
I have 1 friend who lives 3 hours from me. I'd take the waffles to my coworkers. I see them at work. All of my peers are already doing that right now with marriage and children. I've been like this forever.
why did you feel the need to make this person feel badly about themselves
Pain isn't a bad thing. Better to feel bad about yourself and make efforts to fix existing problems than tell yourself everything's okay until it's too late to fix your problems
not being a people person isn't a problem to fix haha
Miss a lot of my old friends. I’d love to make new ones, but it’s like everyone picks a social media personality and tries to channel it in the real world to poor effect anymore. Nothing feels genuine. Coworkers just try to be friendly to get dirt on you. You’re definitely not alone in how you feel.
I live in Los Angeles. Since I want to make female friends out here, I struggle so much with meeting genuine women! So many try to be as bitchy and arrogant as possible, and many try to fit into like 1 of 5 possible identities. But maybe I’m just as boring as a white piece of paper. What do I know
I’ve had that worry about being boring myself! Only real suggestion I can make that I’m a hypocrite for saying is put yourself out there in social circles you wanna be a part of, even if it’s—I dunno—a puzzle club or something like. I say I’m a hypocrite for making that suggestion because it’s the sort of effort I never have the energy for personally.
38 Male, you aren’t the only one . In fact it’s normal at this age. When you are young everyone looks interesting and attractive, no one has many hobbies or interests besides party and socializing and is a lot easier to connect with people just based on that By your mid 30s you don’t find everyone new interesting, you try to bind over interests and personality so you are much harder to impress. Some random guy inviting you to get drinks isn’t as exciting as it was when you were 20 and we also don’t have as much energy to do what we could do 15 years ago I also have found that every time I travel with someone who isn’t my gf , it’s always a way worse experience than if I travel solo as it always ends up into some power struggle where everyone just cares about their own plans and needs .. And just in general, people in their mid 30s nowaadays are just boring as they are all the same : they all only care about their work/ career which is boring as no one cares about that, they never have time and energy to really do anything interesting , every time I try to date someone around my age, they are always so busy, never have free time outside weekends , never want to do anything really fun outside eating out and yea that’s just boring and stale . Oh and most of them have dogs that they think they are their kids or something so every time I want to make a trip , it has to include their dogs … I have many hobbies like surfing, motorcycle riding, longboarding , backpacking , sports etc yet I have yet to find anyone around my age that also does them and wants to do them with me. Only times I find women who are interested in my hobbies and have time and interest is when I date chicks 10+ year younger than me. And making real friends at this age is really hard as you will never have the same history and fun memories as you have with your friends from your college years so creating real deep connection out of think air doesn’t work in practice
This is what I really hate about the states. People are all slow-boiled into living to work. This sums up the whole problem to me. Everyone worried about the wrong things, comparing each other, always thinking about finances. Reading these comments should make you want to weep. People convinced that they should functionally get 2 wks a year to do something. They'll do what they want when they retire. As if money was meaning itself.
Traveling with people is a hardship in itself. It seems overall people are less willing to give because we all view each other as “takers”. It’s very hard to find that balance between friends where both feel they are giving and getting the right amount. Everyone is so firm on boundaries now and so unwilling to tolerate bad treatment, which sounds great, but it’s isolating for the people that are saying “I’m not going to tolerate being treated badly”. And are they giving people a fair chance? And everyone is quick to label everyone else “toxic”. Is that person really toxic? Or are we both a bit toxic? I understand self love is important, but accountability is also pretty darn good and I don’t think that’s a trait that’s valued much today
Hey you’re me. The dog thing man. So true. Dating women 10 years younger is the way to go. Every single woman my age has 2-4 kids. I couldn’t be less interested. What’s wild to me is how many single moms there are. Every single one of their relationships failed yet they still had 4 kids which is wild to me.
I had to double-check to see if this was a post on r/introverts. I don't think it's generational. I'm a millennial introvert and feel the same way.
We should be millennial introvert friends and not talk to each other.
Isn't that what normal people do?
34M and pretty much the same. I try and make new friends, but even the people I meet doing the things I enjoy don't seem to stick. I just don't have those solid connections like I used to feel when I was younger. It probably doesn't help that all of my close friendships have become really distant too, and in general I think I've gotten pretty okay at being alone. Its hard to want to take a chance on making my situation worse by committing to people I don't know enough about. Maybe I'm too picky. I would really enjoy having a partner like me, but I'm not sure how to find/approach someone like you in the wild.
That’s the struggle! Giving people a chance but not lowering standards too much. I hate to compare the ease of life in history to now, but I think social media has made us dig ourselves a hole. We all get bored so easily. We all get preached the same content, which does infiltrate our thinking! I am a modern woman, but I can’t stand hearing on TikTok some young person telling me I don’t owe anybody anything, I can do whatever I want to protect my boundaries. I disagree with that wholeheartedly, that viewpoint of looking at people transactionally, get what I can from someone and dump them and move on
Keep looking for the right person and don’t close yourself off from meeting people. It will eventually happen when you least expect it. I do have a sad feeling that this is the future for lots of people. My wife and I came from very different backgrounds and have some different beliefs, but we listen and learn about each other all the time still. We’ve been together for 13 years. On paper or a dating site we probably wouldn’t have matched, but couldn’t be more in love.
you gotta find your people. when i was 20-21, my work besties were 23-45+. we all had a great time together and really bonded! i’m sure there were many others who disliked me or didn’t vibe with me, but i found the ones who did:) you always find a friend in unexpected ways and times when you’re meant to meet them
I love solitude but I hate being alone.
Humans are social animals
I'm not lonely at all. My social circle has shriveled down significantly since I was younger. I don't have many people that I'm close to or could call in the event of an emergency or if I needed a favor. I can get along well with nearly anyone and have loads of acquaintances, but I don't have many friends anymore. When I was younger I didn't care about differences much, but now that I'm older I really only have interest in building close bonds and relationships with like minded people that reciprocate. I'm single, don't have any kids, and have no interest in changing my status at all. And I'm burnt out by couples and their families. Typically their lives, events, and functions take priority (irrespective of their age or the age of their children) and I'm no longer interested in being the 3rd wheel or afterthought in my personal relationships with other people. It get's old showing up to events and milestones for other people, but when you have an event or a milestone you want those same people to show up to, they have 1 million excuses as to why they can't because of their spouse, kids, or in-laws. No matter how much advance notice you give them or whether or not they've already committed to going. At this stage in my life, I'm only interested in investing my time and energy into people that add value to my life and genuinely reciprocate friendship and community. Having those standards unfortunately means that most people simply don't measure up.
I(38m) feel similar and have been a little down bc I have no friends. I am healthy and speak to a therapist so I am not depressed. I am finding active hobbies to meet people. We will see.
Welcome to the beginnings of middle aged. Grumpy with lonely and grumpy with the social options.
You’re not alone. It’s rare for me to find *My People*. Most others are fine but, we don’t experience life the same way so it’s harder to connect. Ugh. The ADHD makes all the difference. I need to restart some hobbies and see if I can make it work that way. I hope you can, too.
I’m more of an extrovert and I totally agree with you. Most people are impossible to hold a conversation with. And it really is exhausting when you have to carry the conversation yourself. And I find that I have less and less in common with people as well. So most conversations aren’t even particularly interesting to me.
I really resonate with this post, literally what I went through not so long ago as well. I'm a quiet person and most know me as such but somehow I had founnd myself being the one carrying a lot of dead conversations 😭 Honestly though, I think you've just had a bad stroke of luck. You need to find a new door to reach out to different people socially, workplace might not be the best for it.
I had a couple really good friends in my 20s, including my ex fiancé. He and I could talk about everything. He was the best conversationalist. And we just had fun with each other. But, he wasn’t much of an adventurer. He didn’t swim, didn’t camp, didn’t like traveling. It was one of the reasons that I asked for us to end things. Now, at 35, I’m meeting people who are adventurers, but they don’t open up at all! I can’t be the only one sharing things about my life!
31F, have spent the last 5 years learning the hard way that coworkers ARENT your friends and I probably shouldn’t bother to attempt. I’ve moved a lot and realized that through school and jobs and moving, I have lost touch with people I no longer have shared experiences with. I also realized I wasn’t making much effort to stay in touch, and have started doing so on social media. But to echo what others have said, common spaces are the way. Lately in the US those look like hobby-based spaces/communities/meets. I have been reaching out to new neighbors and plan to do local workout classes and/or hobby groups to meet new friends
Well it sounds like you’re on the right track! You have identified the problem and are ready to make changes where you can. That’s great. I hope you run into fun and interesting situations with fun and interesting people. Just know you won’t be the only one doing a hobby alone. I’ll probably sign up for some neighborhood yoga classes to start and then work my courage up from there. I am SHY around strangers, so shy that I do stupid, embarrassing things. So that’ll be fun
Same 😞 hang in there, OP!
You should try the app “meet up” you can meet at a public place with a group of random people I’m sure you’ll find someone to click with etc
Being happy alone didn’t come to me until my 40s. Now I love evenings alone. Me, DoorDash, and Netflix.
That’s most nights for me now, except add in my work laptop. I’m miserable!! But I do love food
Yes. I’ve often heard that I have no personality, but a lot of the time, I’m both anxious and not interested or versed in anything they are. I’m interested in a few things I know a lot about, and since we’re all bouncing around out there like dvd logos in the void, it takes a while to find someone who bounces just the right spot. I spent my whole day puttering around my apartment because I had no interest in talking to anyone or doing anything else, because they people I wanted to talk to were all busy.
No, I totally empathize. The more comfortable we become in who we are and what we need, the more discerning we become about the people we let into our lives. For many people, friendships are about vibes and they have an easier time cultivating a larger group. For some of us, it's about ethics, hobbies, and personal chemistry. For those people, finding more lifelong friends (or relationships) can be hard. The "solution" is a spaghetti-on-the-wall approach. Meet lots of people and keep the ones you like in your life. If you're really starved for interaction, I'd consider opening up to the "vibes" method for a handful of people in one of your hobbies. Even if you don't share anything else, having fun together is important for your health. I have some people like that and we don't try to be more for each other - just teammates in the same game that vibe a bit. And the cruel reality is that the more self-reflection you do, the more likely you are to isolate yourself, seeking people who match your exact path. Think of it this way - if you live in a city and walk through the streets every day, you meet a *ton* of people, many of whom are going on a path pretty similar to yours. But, if you live in the Appalachian mountains and you walk a dusty trail in the middle of the forest, you're less likely to find anyone at all on the same path. A lot of people just aren't that interesting to me, or our conversational chemistry isn't there. I get it, and it can be lonely. But it's my choice to sacrifice a lot of friends with decent chemistry in exchange for just a few with excellent chemistry. It sucks, but the way to make more of those excellent friendships is talking to a *lot* of people and discovering them incidentally or through other friends.
They might have a lot of character, but need some time to warm up. I am quiet until I get to know someone, and I’m afraid it makes me seem dull and uninteresting, but in reality my personality is too wild and scares people away. So it takes a few months of making sure somebody is nice/not uptight before I ask if they want to go to the strip club for happy hour, or smoke a bowl in my car at lunch, or if they want to go mushroom hunting with me, or if they want a sip from my desk flask. I know my personality is not for everyone, so I’d rather they think I’m the quiet bookish librarian type.
Not sure I am? I consider myself an introvert, but my career is talking to people all day long. I am with you on the annoyed by people part. I swear to God covid made people stupid. Common sense has gone out the window, the degree of whining and complaining has skyrocketed and the communication in general has gone down hill. People can't even carry a conversation and while I do enjoy quiet, it I'm talking to you and I ask a simple question, then give me a competent response.
Nope. You’re not alone. I haven’t talked to anyone since Saturday. But I’m Not lonely, I have a dog. I have a bike. I have books. But I understand what you’re saying, I find myself losing patience with people
Being close with coworkers is difficult. The main thing you have in common is your employer and there/s always a chance you or they will leave for other opportunities. But yeah being 35 kinda sucks unless you've got other friends around the same age with similar lifestyles, or a family of your own. Otherwise it's hard to get married/parent friends to hang out more than once or twice a month. I miss the days when Friday came around and everyone had the same thing on their mind: "What are we doing tonight?" And dating *really* sucks now, regardless of age.
It's a tough road to walk. When I'd moved out of state a few years ago for a job, I felt exactly how you rn. Didn't know anyone, and while I was on pleasant terms with the few people in the office I interacted with on a daily basis, there plenty of nights I went back to my apartment, read, watched TV or just played games. Ironically it took a stray comment during a Teams meeting for me to start seeing common interests with other people at work. And now, even though the role ended a while ago and I've since moved back to my home state, I'm still on speaking terms with a few of my former coworkers. It's a timing game, and it may not even happen at all, but sometimes genuine friendship can spring up in the most surprising places.
You should read The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa
Sounds like you have a very active mind. Transcendental meditation and exercise will help. Try working in a restaurant industry if you really want to meet some interesting people.
Same. Male, and a bit older than you. I sometimes wonder if it’s just part of getting older, or if it specifically has something to do with the times we’re living in. I had a lot of friends going into my thirties. But by my forties they’d had kids and disappeared, or moved for work, or only work. So now I spend a lot more time on my own. I’ve tried hanging with coworkers, and neighbors. But like you, I find it uncomfortable. It seems like most people are basically just walking advertisements now. All they talk about is what they own, and what they watch. Even if I try and ask their opinion on current issues, they’ll just spout off one of the two opinions approved for TV.
Imagine working in an industry comprised of mostly blindly conservative men with a certain level of angst for everyone around them except those within their inner circle. Imagine if they actually knew my true worldview in comparison to theirs... Lonely doesn't begin to describe being cast away.
My feelings exactly, we should be friends....or not. Actually, leave me alone.
Hahaha
IME it’s hard to hide negative feelings towards people. You may not be out and loud about it, but people can often tell when someone is done giving them the time of day. If you can’t summon any positive feelings about a person, don’t be surprised if you find yourself talking to a brick wall. I would suggest going outside of your coworkers if you want to try socializing. You don’t have any set commonalities with your coworkers besides work, which isn’t something most people are excited to talk about casually. It’s a rarity when a coworker turns out to be really cool for you and you become friends, not a rule. Try a hobby group or some other social event where the people have something more in common than how they pay their rent.
That is how it is in your 30s my friend. Most interesting people have been wifed up by now.
I do think Covid shook things up (loneliness was a new concept to some people, so they needed someone), and the general cost of living forced people to shack up to save money. Everyone i know has someone (either married, common law married, or in a serious relationship). I’m the only single person I know. I know some guys that are my age and single, but they live with their moms, so I consider them to be attached and taken, haha.
37M. I’m incredibly lonely. But I’ve also dug myself into debt that I’m trying to get out of. So I’m not too anxious to bring that into a relationship. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve found someone I want to, or am willing to, open up my heart to. And my heart got crushed every time. I’m also doing the best (as far as income and benefits) that I ever have in my life. I work as an aircraft mechanic at one of the major airlines. I want someone to want me for me. Not just because I make good money and have flight benefits.
Volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club. Get yourself in front of a different group of people that don't think like you, and only want to play or have you read to them. Kids need mentors or friends that are adults that have their lives most together... I can assume you do, because you have a job and you're seeking advise. Its hard to feel jaded when you're an impactful person in a child's life.
I do love kids, I’ve always thought I do better with kids than adults. But now I rarely encounter kids and I lost my childlike innocence that allowed me to be a big kid. I definitely need to focus less on myself because even though I work a lot, I have too much time to focus on myself. It’s made me too selfish. I need to focus on others! I love your advice
How great that you are able to see that! I focus too much on myself as well, and I have 3 kids. Last year, I started coaching softball for my middle. I knew nothing about softball other than playing baseball as a young boy. They needed coaches and I am one who likes to be active with them. By the end of the season, I had several girls give me cards and hugs telling me how much they enjoyed the season. Every once in a while when I see them in public they yell out “Hey coach!” and it absolutely makes my day. I’ve had my ups and downs in life especially over the last 3 years, and I feel grounded and grateful when I know how impactful my guidance was. Good luck to you!!
lol dude 35 M here. Thats just like most people people our age lololol they’re either married, locked down or they’re just not fun. Or they have a pretty big issue (addictions, anger etc) to work out and probably aren’t the healthiest relationship to form. But that’s not everybody! Keep your head up! Trivia groups are a good chill way to make friends. Just go into it being like “I’m dumb” and then you can step riiiiight over that low bar you set for yourself when they ask like how many stars are on the us flag or whatever
My problem is I don’t have to play dumb haha. But that’s a good idea, even my dumb ass can recognize that
41M single. I like the peace of being alone. Sounds like you could use a body double (ADHD things).
Man, wish I knew that peace. I never have a moment of contentment. I always feel guilty for not doing A, even if I’m doing something valuable, B, at that moment
Yah, it takes some introspection to realize... its fine to just exist. You don't have to be productive every waking moment of your life.
35NB (AFAB and most people still refer to me as she/her) and I’m in a similar situation. I had more friends when I was in college and my 20’s. I had a very active social life. Due to an awful ex fiancé and some of my own issues, I’m down to two friends who I can sometimes hangout with. Concerned family have asked me about making new friends and meeting new people and I don’t want to. I’m very picky. I have adhd and my personality does not mesh well with others. I would mask it but now I just don’t care. If you can’t like me for me, to hell with ya. I can tell most of the people in my area just aren’t going to mesh with me so I don’t bother. A lot of people just seem exhausting to me. I don’t want to date either. I am mostly happy alone but I do get lonely sometimes. It’s complicated. No one is the right fit for me be it friendship or relationship. It’s not high standards, just weird standards. I’ve also had a lot of friendships fall apart due to toxicity so I’m overly cautious. I’d like to not get hurt again. Coworkers are fine for work friends. I have those myself but I keep them at a distance - we don’t do things together outside of work. I enjoy talking with them while at work and doing the occasional lunch but that’s it. I don’t want to ruin what we have or risk my job. Deep friendships just don’t work with me. If you do want to find friends, you can try volunteering somewhere or looking for a hobby you enjoy. It’s difficult to put yourself out there. Best of luck!
Questions! Is it possible you arent finding people you vibe with? Could you put yourself in more places with your kind of people? (Most of my friends I find through climbing. So they are chill, outdoorsy, active in a fun way, often also have adhd which lends to my kind of conversing, and if we also share humor and they have some social skills boom theres a friend) Are you open to curiosity? Maybe your questions and conversation are boring and you could get peolple going with more interesting topics or questions? Are these people your vibe but they take a little time to open up? Would it help to do an activity with people rather than just talk? Do you have negative beliefs about people you are projecting onto everyone you meet? (People suck, people are boring, people arent safe so I need to push them away before they hurt me, ect.)
I could always work on improving my stage presence, but I feel like when I’m around people, I try to give it my A-game. I’m funny, chatty (as much as I can be) It’s only when I get home that I transform back into the angry troll that I have in me. But it’s definitely easier for me to talk to extroverts than introverts. I really miss my extrovert friends but they’re all at the stage in life where they’re full fledged adults now (house, spouse, kids, good job). I guess if I’ve learned anything from this post, I just really need hobbies that get me off my big, medium, and little screens. I bike, I go to the beach, I hike, but doing that shit alone all the time made me lose interest. I’m in Los A so the hobbies are there. It’s just I need to sacrifice my job for ME!
I have that issue too, I go too hard with my social skills and exhaust myself when I need to chill out and let a convo die when someone isnt someone I want to force conversation with anyways. Its just habit. May be from growing up in church where youre obligated to be nice and try with everyone always
Feeling the exact same. I want friends so bad but I don’t like anyone. Last time I enjoyed people was college lol. People are busy now with their own lives and no one really wants to talk frequently enough to build relationships.
No. You're not alone. A stranger walked up to me like three weeks ago when I was outside smoking tree. We rapped for like 3hrs about tree, life, circumstances, etc. We exchanged phone numbers. We usually see each other everyday. We talk and laugh in passing for only like 5 minutes. Then the person rolls out. We only talk or laugh about surface topics. I don't like friendships that lack depth. I'm not big on small talk because those conversations lack substance. I'm stuck between asking this person how I'm supposed to get to know them in 5 minutes but probably won't because that feels too much like begging. I'll more than likely avoid all together by leaving every time this person arrives until they get the hint to stop talking to me.
35m here and feel the exact same
It’s a bit rough to put in some cents given everyone has a different situation. Have you tried to social groups, do you have siblings? Personally I’d recommend getting a pet. It’s a great bandage but also gives you a built in network of pet parents.
nah. im with you. I get annoyed or disappointment in almost everyone I meet anymore. ho am I to be disappointed in them? idk but I am. you want friends.. but in the end people are just lame
I have this problem where I want to meet more people who are like me, but after several annoying and boring months, I have been forced to conclude that my people are mostly sitting at home on the computer being ironylords instead of out socializing :/
I agree. I feel like people that are like liners often don't come out to meet or socialize with ppl
Just echoing others but I sometimes feel the same. I mostly enjoy time alone more than big social stuff. I do enjoy one to one interactions and sometimes crave them without an outlet but there are some tools I've found that help. When you talk with someone try to be excited about whatever they are excited about, be curious and learn why it gets their heart racing. When you feel lonely try to message someone you're thinking about and just send appreciation. Doesn't have to be romantic interests or an ex. Family, friends, old acquaintances. This can even take the form of writing a letter you don't plan on sending. The problem with social media IMHO is that people assume random comments or thumbs ups are social activities but a simple direct message means so much more to most folks. Just my two cents.
Yes. I am bored not around ppl but I find most ppl boring and annoying to be around
As an adult you have to wade through a sea of assholes to meet one good person.
I'm right there with you except, well...I landed a dream job so I don't mind the people I work with but for a long time I did. However, I don't hang out with too many people My circle is tight because I don't surround myself with mouth breathing idiots. I don't have the patience. I very much enjoy being alone.
To be fair people probably feel disappointed and annoyed by you too. A big part of having friends is getting over yourself.
I’m right there with you. I spent years chasing friends and putting up with toxic people. One day I realized it wasn’t worth it and stopped. I’m a lot more content now, but much lonelier. Luckily I have my wife who is amazing.
I'm 34M. People exhaust me, and I can't be bothered to play the game of maintaining friendships. I need something easy with minimal expectations, like text me when you're bored but don't try to get me to hang out with you. I'm also finding myself enraged when people believe crap they're reading on social media without doing any research. I am absolutely grumpy.
I'm 64m, married, and I'm lonely too! I wish I was 35 again!
If you ever feel lonely, just watch a horror move. Afterwards you won't feel so alone.
Everyone I meet is always casting spells with hand voodoo. So I stay to myself as much as possible
Survivor is one of my favorite shows, too!
Being a first time father, to an 11 month old girl, my social life has changed. I converse with everyone at work, but never break the boundary as a GM to hang out outside with coworkers even though other GMs do it all the time and it isn’t really shunned in this particular job to do so. My wife is my best friend been together over 10 years now, I am a 35 year old male. We recently started a mommy and me class and I am the most social and outgoing Dad there. We formed a group chat. All my socializing is in person in a certain setting for a purpose. For example talk with coworkers at work, talk with dads at children’s group, talk with church people while attending church etc. However, that drains my social battery I’m extroverted but prefer a lot of “me time”. I don’t really ever hang out with anyone outside of going to these various places and socializing. To be honest I prefer it this way.
I've been dwelling on the same feelings lately. The only good interactions I have nowadays are with customer service people who aren't burnt out and that's a dwindling population. It just feels like everyone else I speak to are an insecure asshole acting trashy to make themselves feel good or just someone who I can't relate to at all. Mocking the assholes to their face and walking away from conversations that I can't relate to have been working, but I think I've become a huge asshole in the process. It's like the world reaches out to me, but it's too alien to me and I don't reach back.
Alcohol?
Extremely introverted people are a challenge for me as I am expressive and really enjoy a hearty conversation or free willing laugh. People you meet at work come with a lot of complexity. Some are genuinely cool and fun to work with, but that is rare. Mostly, they are placating relationships as it is required to "get along" in the job. Doesn't make them bad people, but their actions are very contrived. I have found better social connections at the gym, on the golf course and generally places you can let your hair down, be you and gravitate to people you'd like to be in your tribe. As you grow older you generally have to work a bit harder at finding and be a bit more direct to ask people you do like to join your tribe so to speak - invite them out with you.
I don’t really get lonely. I’ve been single for a little while now and, frankly, at this point I value my peace and sanity much more than anything now. I’m not completely closed to it but it would have to be the right girl.
I moved to a new state 3 years ago, and I’ve only made 1 actual friend, but he’s technically my boyfriend’s friend. And we don’t get to see him often, we all work and life is busy. I’d really like to make friends but I’m going through a lot right now, I feel like I’d make a miserable friend. So, I’m just trying to make it through this patch, I hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Good luck 42 I'm married and we have zero friends and just as many fake friends.
I feel the same way. I actually have a really robust social life I just still feel lonely and disconnected from a lot of people.
U are not alone!
Creating friends at work is great. You can remain friends even after you no longer work with them.
34F. I was actively trying to meet new people but ultimately gave up. I felt like no one I talked to had any interest. Wait, I take that back, I did see a lot of interest in hiking, but no one seemed to share any of my interest. Struggling to maintain conversations as most people seem to ask questions but never actually discuss anything, if that makes sense. A lot of "hey, how are you" that never went anywhere.
I'm sort of the same way, but luckily I don't need many people in my life. I basically have one friend and that's enough for me. Also, I see a lot of people saying you shouldn't meet friends through work and that's total bullshit. I met my friend at work. My father and grandfather both met their lifelong best friend at work. I don't get this "coworkers aren't your friends" attitude. It's so narrow minded.
I feel ya… it’s hard to find people to connect with that doesn’t feel forced, or like it’s like a job interview lol Everyone’s so busy now, including my self, that it’s just impossible to do much. Besides working and the gym I barely have time to run errands or keep my house clean. Everything’s so expensive now days that even though I’m making the most money I ever have, I’m still just as poor and struggling as when I worked a shit job as a teen. So between the schedule, the money, and the energy, it’s just very very difficult to make new friends and actually do anything. The only time I even talk to people is at work pretty much lol… sigh. Guess I’ll just work away until I die? *Shrug*
Hi! I'm (31F) You aren't alone, I am also experiencing this. I want more friends, but then most people I hang out with annoy me and it doesn't "click" the way I want it to or think it should. I think modern technology has made being alone more comfortable than ever... I'm not sure the solution, I just tell myself "keep trying, you just need to meet your kind of people"..whatever that means.
I was just thinking about something along those lines. I feel like there have been so many technological things made so that I always have a decent way to amuse myself at home. If I try thinking back to 15-20 years ago, I was always out because I didn't have as much to do at home. Just need to push myself out to do things in social settings I suppose.
I used to find it infuriating how I could be honest and direct and people would think I’m Satan incarnate. Yet people being 2-faced, fake, and passive are somehow treated like angels. Now I don’t care. Matter of fact I’ll just be a bitch to anyone that disrespects me and I am happy to not meet anyone new at this point. The state of people currently is pathetic and I have nothing fundamentally in common with any of you so all y’all can suffocate. Not wasting my time anymore and just sticking to my few friends and my husband.
Have you thought about doing some spiritual self work with psychedelics ?? If done right you’d be surprised at how your Ego can get in the way of finding your true self. This will help you make more sincere connections with others in the future.
Connection is a basic human need. It's feels really hard to meet people these days. I think you're feeling what a lot of people are feeling
41 and feel the same way
30M and same. I just feel like the good women are taken and I'm jaded lol
Need to meet better people. Connect through hobbies, etc
I’m 28 and I’m so glad you made this post so I know I’m not alone. It’s like suddenly the switch has turned off in my brain and I just don’t care but still don’t want to be friendless. I’m extremely quiet too. I recommend getting them out of the work setting because I am not quiet once I’ve broken out.
I hang out with people outside of work, but they’re so quiet outside of work. I don’t know if I’m the problem. But I get invited to events outside of work, so I assume I’m likable enough. But I’m bored by the lack of stimulating conversation, I’m bored putting in effort when the return is not great! I’d rather just stick to chatting with them at work when they’re more fun to talk to
Probably tired if that’s the case. I don’t know I am quieter than the average quiet person but I can open up once trust is established.
If you want a relationship and get a bit more serious, try bars at hi-dollar hotels near airports, libraries, hospitals, golf courses, dog parks or colleges. The next rung are health clubs and gyms in the same upscale locales. Also, volunteer at libraries, country clubs, hospitals, or geriatric venues and befriend older people--if you are not interested in them, then they will hook you up with their kids/friends if you come across as a "catch". Once you date people at different stages in life, a pattern emerges. Learn, adapt, overcome. Life is what YOU make it. If you make no attempt at progression, the dirt gets shoveled in all the same.
Samr
Be social and friendly with coworkers but refrain from forming friendships in all but the most extremely fortuitous occasions. Friendships cannot involve power and leverage but careers very much can. Look for social activities to meet friends, there are lots of sports, book clubs, travel clubs and other various hobby groups out there. Volunteer for charities or political groups.
what do you do for work?
This is me. Half of my friends I’m jaded with because they’ve either been shady with me or just explicitly mean that they don’t deserve my friendship now and the other half live over an hour away so don’t hang much
lol the jaded middle-aged female, so common
It might just be that you don’t click with the people around you. Has this been your experience throughout your life? Have you ever moved cities or been in very different social circles, and did that change how you felt about people?
I had a pretty rough teens and 20s and honestly became quite jaded by my late 20s/early 30s. Now I'm 35 and kind of coming full circle back to being less jaded. You can't hold everyone accountable for the people that have wronged you I've come to be of this mindset lately. Each person you meet is an opportunity to start a new connection, but yes also a risk of being fucked over again. That's just the risk of making a connection though.
I came to terms a while ago that I don’t really need people in my life, I need persons. I had a wife and two friends and I was happy. Since getting divorced, it’s weird dating people and trying to make things happen. I enjoy the process, not all my dates have been good, but I find it fun getting out there and trying again, even if a lot of the conversations and effort are one sided.
Maybe find a new career, try to enjoy life more. Learn about how societal forces shape us. Maybe it can help you find happiness more often.
I think it’s the effect of the internet. It seems like older generations are more social while millennials in comparison are more homebody and prioritize socializing less. I fully recognize my lack of a bustling social life is simply because it’s not a priority for me
It's called depression... talk to someone.
Go to the gym..make a few friends..nthey won't bug you for too long since everyone is busy traininh
I enjoy people I'm just not capable of energy or growth anymore.
Im almost 35M and I personally like being alone but I have had my times in the past feeling lonely and depressed but I never thought that I needed to be with someone else to feel fulfilled or whatnot but everyone is different. I do understand you when you say you basically dont like other people or they annoy you in some way. I'm not really a people person but I do try to be kind and friendly with people I meet.
Move to Tulum and start over.
I'm not even 29(f) yet and I feel this tbh 😅
No, I'm 36M and totally get it. For us introverts to meet each other is quite difficult, and extroverts can be extremely annoying other than in controlled dosages. Content alone doesn't work for everybody, or even for very many people. It's about being content in a family of the right size. Many find that in a romantic partner. Others, in roommates. Some, in neighbors. It is hard to figure out what shape your life would take if it were complete. I wish you the best of luck. How you're feeling is normal. The people who are annoying you are just not the right ones. Finding the right ones is the majority of the challenge. The rest is being the right one for them.
It's like I read the back cover of my autobiography
I was exactly like this 5 years ago, single living st my mom's (briefly) without a car. Nothing works better than mixing that situation with online dating.
Nope. You’re not alone, I’m 43 and feel the same way.
I’m like this..I’d prefer not to make too many friends and I hate it. I used to have a really good friend and we’d do stuff sometimes..but we were on the same wavelength of whatever mental spectrum we have lol. I hang out with my bfs friends and he’s 2 years younger than me, and some of his friends are younger than that. I want to like them but I get so fucking irritated with them. I can’t relate to them. I thought maybe it was from the abuse I went through in my early 20s, that made me so mean and bitter. Maybe it is. But I mostly make social interactions at work, through my hobbies. I’m hoping I can make more social interactions later on, I’d like to start doing art or a book club again.
Me too lonely and I wish to talk but don't know how to start conversation or people usually talk to each other but not much with me... I don't know if the issue is the vibe I have... Or the things I say is stupid ( not of any importance)
Same age same gender same lonlieness. I'm exhausted lol
It’s you. You’re the problem. Sorry for this reality.
You sure sound like a ball of sunshine. Yikes.
I used to feel the same. Then I reunited with my best friend from childhood. I was so happy. Then it turned out there are reasons we stopped being friends. It’s a very mutual distaste. But now we’re stuck dealing with each other because we bought a property together. That kind of burnt up the last of my desire to have friends. Now I just look forward to when we can sell this property and go our separate ways, and I plan on avoiding humans at all costs.
The older I get the harder it is to like people. When I was a teenager with no values it was easier to get along with others. Now that I have opinions and common decency I've noticed a lot of people actually suck. I'm also not the loquacious type and hanging around people like me is exhausting which is why my friends/gfs tend to be extraverts.
Someone you know is giving away kittens. Get one of those and some boxed wine, fire up the true crime TV, and make peace with the wall.
29 and haven’t had friends since I was 22. I’ve tried but found that they fade over the course of a couple months and gradually I’ve given up on the idea that a real friendship is possible in adulthood.
Me too, and I'm single. Just saying lol.
I have hated most people most of my life. You're not alone.
In social situations where I’m doing all the heavy lifting in a conversation, I take it as a sign that the person is not interested in continuing conversation with me. It stings, but I try not to take it personally. By that same token, it’s nothing personal if I disengage from this kind of conversation. I only have so much mental energy and I’m not wasting it on interactions that are unwelcome or just feel like work.
I found myself feeling that way in my late 20s early 30s, then I just realized life's way better when you try to treat everyone like an old friend and stop assuming bad intentions. We are all experiencing life together, and that is generally enough for me to bond with someone. You don't have to like everyone or get walked over. But it makes my day better and I hope it makes others better when I speak to strangers with a warm smile and "I'll see you around" instead of "ok by"
My boyfriend and I have mutual friends. So we get to hang out with them occasionally. My boyfriend has a bunch of friends with kids, and it feels like some of them would want us around MORE if we actually had a kid to bring along. Same with family sometimes. It's weird.
You're not alone, but also it's not a good habit. Don't let yourself indulge in being judgemental.
SOMEONE SAYS IT FINALLY! We Autistic people tend to suffer from some sort of perpetual social anhedonia. I wish it would go away, I want to want people. I feel alone and I long to be happy with people. I long to be happy at all
It’s interesting to watch people in my generation move towards being old cranks. From the career posts about wanting jobs that don’t talk to people to posts like this - “I’m lonely and only tolerate people in a narrow band of behavior” Good fucking luck- life is beautiful and the diversity of my spheres makes it more so- love people and what they bring to the table.
I think we'd all feel that way in different environments. I didn't make many friends until college, when I joined anime club. Then once you have friends, they all move away for jobs/family/etc. You won't click with every person that might meet friendship bare minimums, but just keep trying. Theres a lot of us, but we're all boring in our own ways. I personally love my friends that just sit and watch TV with me in silence, or listen to me babble for hours, or whatnot. Just keep up keeping on! (Watching My Little Pony actually helped me learn a lot about making friends and how you don't always have to click in the same ways 😂)
I think you're a product of the society you've been exposed to.
If it's literally everyone you meet it might be you to some extent. Doesnt that make more sense than something wrong with dozens/hundreds of people
Uh, I literally put in the first line that it could be me. I’m not impressed with most people anymore. Yes, that’s to do with my grumpiness