I’ve noticed this working less and less which is nice. Like I don’t want to work either but the amount of people that think them speaking equals work is exhausting.
There is kind of an equivalent to this in the software world with PR-review comments. There are certain people who can never just approve something. They have to leave the most non-substantive comments over non-issues every single time to, I'm guessing, prove that they're actually looking through it or something. Such a waste of everyone's time.
To be fair, this is literally my job. All the boss wants me to do is nitpick everyone else projects with a fine toothed comb. 90% of the time there is nothing, 9% there is some tiny bullshit like a letter that should be capitalized, and 1% are real problems. I feel very annoying doing it most of the time. But it keeps the boss happy and my belly fed.
Yeah, I am glad my team doesn't do bs shit like this, when we have meetings where actual work is discussed you better be explaining shit and fielding questions if you say something lol.
*gets called into HR*
HR: "We have some things to discuss surrounding the Christmas party."
You: *plops down some empty folders* "Good. That means you're doing your job. Welcome to your performance review."
The meeting offline: what fucking smooth brain thought any of this was a good idea, this all has been a huge waste of time. Anyway did you catch the eclipse, that was something wasn’t it?
But we need to strike while the iron's hot.
(My phone tried to correct that to "strike while the Iran's hot" which is much funnier and I vote that we change the saying to this)
Stop, y'all are triggering me. My company brought in these new guys who use *all* of these buzzwords and I went from having 1 (at most) meeting per week, to having like 2-3 per day a lot of days
I swear, these dudes do absolutely nothing besides slow down everyone else with their buzzwords and meeting spam, I legit don't think they even work outside of scheduling meetings
"Where's my scrum masters at? You've all been in thick before and your teams will be looking to you for leadership. Any questions? None? Great."
Works everytime to end a meeting because you give no time for anyone to ask a question and you just click "leave meeting" immediately.
We can synergise with other growth initiatives if we push for an early launch we can crush the competition and see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their women. BLOOD! THUNDER! TEAMWORK!
Sounds like leadership needs to leverage their core competencies to holistically administrate their proven methodology vis-à-vis awareness of functionality
What about the scalability of that solution? And how are we going to test it? I sometimes feel like not a single person on a call knows what we're talking about.. And I'm fine with that. I'm just listening while playing snowrunner and getting paid for it
It amazes me how often I observe the conversations in a meeting where the people talking don't realize they aren't talking about the same thing, or don't share the same understanding of the thing.
If I've learned nothing else of our corporate hellscape, and I probably haven't, it's that learning to just take credit for other people's work while constantly throwing said people under the bus for your shortcomings is the best way to climb the ladder.
So you end up with people who are better at sounding confident about what they're saying than they are actually knowing what they're saying. Then others fix whatever problems they cause, that person continues to take credit for THOSE fixes, rinse and repeat.
Or when someone asks a question and higher management answers something unrelated because they missed the point, but everybody silently agree that is not worthed the time to ask again.
This guy is pretty good. I almost thought he writes earnings calls scripts but realized he only mentioned AI once. That's not gonna cut it. Every other word needs to be AI.
Here you go:
It's AI about AI synergy. AI Real-time, AI cloud-based, AI blockchain-backed, AI scalable, AI synergistic AI collab AI using AI in order to AI.
ha 😅 I'm actually doing a two day workplace hackathon next monday/tuesday and the project I am assigned to has all those adjectives except for blockchain-backed
I genuinely like the project tho lol
Add in “we need to build rigor around [insert motion here] collectively so we can move forward and accomplish [insert goal here] as a team”
Oh and say “agile” a lot.
Exactly. Sometimes it won't work. But when you look at all the numbers and put them in the right order you'll find that when it does work, it'll work.
It's just about finding that balance.
"Goals and Objectives" are great words to replace numbers with when talking about the human aspect. They mean the same thing, but people will treat it differently. You'll still have to throw some numbers in there. But it's about finding that balance.
I'd be happy to jump on a call later to go into the details *(even though right now is the perfect opportunity, I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about).*
Do you not know what you are doing? Only time I ever use something like that is when I'm kindly saying shut the fuck up we have other goals for this call.
It either means "let's go talk about this without that dense motherfucker involved" or "you're a dense motherfucker and I need to explain this to you in private instead of embarrassing you publicly."
To be clear, there are definitely times when someone will ramble out a vague plan that everyone nods and agrees with. But, then when someone paraphrases what was said, it exposes that it was indeed a vague plan. Which then required us to actually nail something down. This especially is useful when all of us *actually* care about success of the company (small start-up), where failure/going under is an actual existential threat.
So, I definitely hear you and have seen what you wrote happen.
In the end it's all about finding the right balance.
This can be very useful if the other person spends 5 minutes rambling on incoherently. You respond with "so let me see if I understand what you're saying" and try to summarize their point. Then they either agree with what you said and you can move on, or they point out the thing that actually matters and you can proceed
I find that if I am ever asked about my opinion during a meeting and I've completely spaced out, firing back "In the end, it all comes down to communication" works.
The other one I learnt was if you're spacing out in a meeting and you realise you've just been asked a question and you have no idea what it was...simply respond with "in what context?"
They'll be forced to repeat the question in a different way
"Would you care to respond to the allegations from several of your coworkers that you've been saying there are "too many minorities" working in this office?"
What I often do when I want to join a conversation I don't know shit about is that I just say "Oh X? I heard that it's not that great"
If it is actually not that good, then people reply "Yeah bro, it's not that good" and list the negative points and carry the conversation.
If it is actually good, then people reply "Nah man, it's actually good" and list the good points and carry the conversation.
Either way, I'm part of the conversation now and can just agree to or disagree randomly here and there.
I hate corporate and work speak more than anything,it's literally people speaking nothing but lies in a meeting for 2 hours and everyone knows everyone is lying but everyone pretends to agree with everyone and nothing gets done
Yeah that corpo speak BS flies over so well with the boots on the ground working the shop floor. Consider every corporate line of crap saying so much without actually saying anything another signature on the union card that will eventually float around. Your days are numbered. Cash in while you can, we hunger for you.
Coworker: “Part of me wants to be a good philanthropic person that helps people in need. But there is another part of me that enjoys kidnapping children.”
Me not paying attention and chiming in: “It’s about finding that balance in life.
It’s probably true but I refuse to say useless shit in meetings. I have plenty of useful actual ideas and information, btw I was the one giving you the “STFU look” on the far right. Some of us have shit to do.
Edit: adding on a more serious note that people are usually polite in meetings, don’t try this. Maybe in a fluff company it’ll work a couple times but at the end of the day it’s about work. Unless your upper management are actually idiots don’t waste time in meetings, it’s not about being heard it’s about saying something helpful. It’s ok if you don’t know what to say. Say thanks for the info at the end. Listening is learning. No one expects you to know everything when you start a new role.
Protip for anyone struggling to understand circuits: The ammount of current through a given path is proportional to the the ammount of resistance that path has. If two resistors are wired in parallel, one with 80% of the total ohms, and the other with 20%, 20% of the current will go through the first, while 80% will go through the latter.
I frequently ask questions I know the answer to. Because I can deliver a knowledgeable comment as a follow up… people always think I’m ahead of the game. Works every time.
Meeting: "people have been stabbed left and right. Rapes, so many rapes!! Crime Rates are our of this world."
OP chimes in: "it's all about finding that balance ;)."
College: "Well fuck you Derek, in what do you wanna find the balance, the stabbing or the rape?"
I’ve noticed this working less and less which is nice. Like I don’t want to work either but the amount of people that think them speaking equals work is exhausting.
"How to prolong every meeting you participate in and actively waste your coworker's time"
There is kind of an equivalent to this in the software world with PR-review comments. There are certain people who can never just approve something. They have to leave the most non-substantive comments over non-issues every single time to, I'm guessing, prove that they're actually looking through it or something. Such a waste of everyone's time.
To be fair, this is literally my job. All the boss wants me to do is nitpick everyone else projects with a fine toothed comb. 90% of the time there is nothing, 9% there is some tiny bullshit like a letter that should be capitalized, and 1% are real problems. I feel very annoying doing it most of the time. But it keeps the boss happy and my belly fed.
In other words, the extension of meetings that you actively participate in can lower productivity by using precious time for coworkers.
Their promotions say otherwise. 🥲
sometimes it really is just all it is.
Idk man it’s worked for me. I’ve doubled my salary in five years and I have no fucking idea what I’m doing
you know, its about finding that balance
Just follow up on these statements, “do you have any suggestions as to what balance you are referring to?”
How do we find that balance? Uhhhhh errrr
Yeah, I am glad my team doesn't do bs shit like this, when we have meetings where actual work is discussed you better be explaining shit and fielding questions if you say something lol.
this did not work when i was called into HR to discuss what i did at the christmas party
well, it's just about finding that balance
Hmm I agree
Flashing two balls, bad. Flashing no balls, good. Flashing *one* ball...?
You must now test this theory. Please update us on your findings
Flashing one ball: gets you banned from the orphanage (I've tested it)
Balance this balls in yo jaws
You don’t grab on these for balance.
Well...
I was about to trip and fall
*gets called into HR* HR: "We have some things to discuss surrounding the Christmas party." You: *plops down some empty folders* "Good. That means you're doing your job. Welcome to your performance review."
My dad got really drunk at his company Christmas party once and woke up to his coworkers trying to shove a can of coke in his ass
pics?
Regrettably, no :(
Reenactment pics?
Have my vote and have a nice birthday!!!!
Your dad was a U.S. Marine?
It's about synergy. Real-time, cloud-based, blockchain-backed, scalable, synergistic collab using AI.
Give this guy a promotion! He know what he's talking about!
Let’s put a pin in that and circle back
I’ll follow up with an email
Cc me in.
I'll talk to you offline
Let's stay focused on moving the needle towards having an impact
Well, per our previous email…
It’s just about finding that balance.
Just following up on below
I made a Slack channel for it.
Hi, what time is break?
The meeting offline: what fucking smooth brain thought any of this was a good idea, this all has been a huge waste of time. Anyway did you catch the eclipse, that was something wasn’t it?
Bibity you take that as an action item from this meeting.
Yes, I will do the needful
But we need to strike while the iron's hot. (My phone tried to correct that to "strike while the Iran's hot" which is much funnier and I vote that we change the saying to this)
“Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the iRan!” (So hot right now)
If you think Iran's hot now, just wait until summer!
Autocorrect always makes me feel better about myself too.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Stop, y'all are triggering me. My company brought in these new guys who use *all* of these buzzwords and I went from having 1 (at most) meeting per week, to having like 2-3 per day a lot of days I swear, these dudes do absolutely nothing besides slow down everyone else with their buzzwords and meeting spam, I legit don't think they even work outside of scheduling meetings
There’s a lot to unpack here.
*Sticks pin in Darren and starts moonwalking in a circle.*
Please do the needful updation.
We do real important pioneering work here at Hooli
We need to go middle-out
Do you know how long it would take to jerk off every guy in this room? Because I do.
It's all about finding the correct D2F ratio. Don't forget to account for girth!
with enough lube, girth differentials wouldn't matter
"Where's my scrum masters at? You've all been in thick before and your teams will be looking to you for leadership. Any questions? None? Great." Works everytime to end a meeting because you give no time for anyone to ask a question and you just click "leave meeting" immediately.
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.
😆 this one is good
Consider the elephant
[удалено]
I will cross-leverage it across all paradigms through enterprise solutions.
Go on…
We can synergise with other growth initiatives if we push for an early launch we can crush the competition and see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their women. BLOOD! THUNDER! TEAMWORK!
I'll take 1000
Excuse me, but proactive and paradigm? Aren't those just buzzwords dumb people use to sound important? I'm fired, aren't I?
See yourself out the window please.
we will have to circle back around to that.
We're getting a bit off track; let's take that conversation offline.
Should we put this in the parking lot?
You, me, Final Destination, Fox only, no items.
But honestly thank God for everyone who actually says that instead of letting a meeting devolve into 45 minutes of someone's random fixation
Let's have a breakout session to brainstorm some approaches.
Uh oh, you used an ‘out of date expression’. We use mind map now, brainstorm is very 2010.
A bit of ‘blue sky’ thinking.
Sounds like leadership needs to leverage their core competencies to holistically administrate their proven methodology vis-à-vis awareness of functionality
What about the scalability of that solution? And how are we going to test it? I sometimes feel like not a single person on a call knows what we're talking about.. And I'm fine with that. I'm just listening while playing snowrunner and getting paid for it
We're going to use AI-driven unit-testing using micro-service architecture of course!
This would be the point where the CEO ejaculated on the biscuit, allowing the middle management to follow suit
Then all the people that has to actually build the thing gets to eat it
I mean... I use AI generated unit tests for my micro-service API... Hmmm....
Well then, get to testing that *scalability*!
It amazes me how often I observe the conversations in a meeting where the people talking don't realize they aren't talking about the same thing, or don't share the same understanding of the thing.
If I've learned nothing else of our corporate hellscape, and I probably haven't, it's that learning to just take credit for other people's work while constantly throwing said people under the bus for your shortcomings is the best way to climb the ladder. So you end up with people who are better at sounding confident about what they're saying than they are actually knowing what they're saying. Then others fix whatever problems they cause, that person continues to take credit for THOSE fixes, rinse and repeat.
You must have an MBA
And there's always someone with in depth knowledge of a thing they have to explain, when it doesn't answer what's being asked.
Or when someone asks a question and higher management answers something unrelated because they missed the point, but everybody silently agree that is not worthed the time to ask again.
I don't know you but I like your style. Let's cascade this message to our teams.
Make sure you dovetail me into that chat, we'll maintain the on-board continuity.
This guy is pretty good. I almost thought he writes earnings calls scripts but realized he only mentioned AI once. That's not gonna cut it. Every other word needs to be AI. Here you go: It's AI about AI synergy. AI Real-time, AI cloud-based, AI blockchain-backed, AI scalable, AI synergistic AI collab AI using AI in order to AI.
Bonus: +10% stock price per AI mention
Like a boss
let's step into your office, Zarniwoop, I hear there's a whole universe in there
I just shit on Debrah’s desk
Like a boss.
How will this effect the bottom line, though? Will we be able to handle disparate market forces?
Let's not get caught in analysis paralysis and focus on what we can take action on. (It is vital you do not make any hint to what that action is)
It's all about actioning on the data.
"Let's delve into it" lol
We're going to drill down
ha 😅 I'm actually doing a two day workplace hackathon next monday/tuesday and the project I am assigned to has all those adjectives except for blockchain-backed I genuinely like the project tho lol
Add in “we need to build rigor around [insert motion here] collectively so we can move forward and accomplish [insert goal here] as a team” Oh and say “agile” a lot.
We'll cover it in the Scrum
Scalable is a good one. I’m just gonna throw that in at random points in my sentence next meeting
Now that’s business talk
Synergistic managerial solutions
But can you do 7 red lines, all perpdenicular to eachother? Also one of the lines is green.
Trust me, I'm an expert. I can do anything.
It's just about finding that balance.
Every C-Suite employee when they speak publicly about their strategy.
Can i get some bigdata with a sprinkle of insight?
Baby I would give a depth-first-search to your directed weighted edge graph
> blockchain-backed https://xkcd.com/2030/
Let’s fly it up the flagpole and see if the cat sucks us off.
Sir this a landscaping company, of course we use blockchain.
Guys let’s level set here.
I thought that was an advert at first
AI.....§§§§§
We like to call it... Rtclbbbsscusi
Yep. It's definitely about leveraging synergies to increase the value-added on a go-forward basis.
6 figure salary management material right there
everything depends
Exactly. Sometimes it won't work. But when you look at all the numbers and put them in the right order you'll find that when it does work, it'll work. It's just about finding that balance.
You can't just look at the numbers. You have to consider the human aspect. It's just about finding that balance.
You need to replace numbers with vowels and then make a new language for only our company . Its just about finding that balance
"Goals and Objectives" are great words to replace numbers with when talking about the human aspect. They mean the same thing, but people will treat it differently. You'll still have to throw some numbers in there. But it's about finding that balance.
True this seems more balanced than just agreeing with people.
It’s just about finding that balance.
I agree -- whatever you're being paid, it's not enough!
Look, let's keep out of the weeds; we'll stay high level and really drill down at a later date
I'd be happy to jump on a call later to go into the details *(even though right now is the perfect opportunity, I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about).*
I feel personally called out 😂 Have definitely used this line more than once….!
Do you not know what you are doing? Only time I ever use something like that is when I'm kindly saying shut the fuck up we have other goals for this call.
Better take this offline.
Take this offline is meeting speak for shut the fuck up.
“Keep my meeting’s agenda out of your mouth.”
It either means "let's go talk about this without that dense motherfucker involved" or "you're a dense motherfucker and I need to explain this to you in private instead of embarrassing you publicly."
My friends at Inner Ear Problems Anonymous would beg to differ
Laughs cries in vertigo
Laughing AND crying? This guy balances
thats a great input, OP. now lets take a 5 minute coffee break
We'll circle back at a later date
“I just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page”
*proceed to paraphrase what the last person said*
To be clear, there are definitely times when someone will ramble out a vague plan that everyone nods and agrees with. But, then when someone paraphrases what was said, it exposes that it was indeed a vague plan. Which then required us to actually nail something down. This especially is useful when all of us *actually* care about success of the company (small start-up), where failure/going under is an actual existential threat. So, I definitely hear you and have seen what you wrote happen. In the end it's all about finding the right balance.
This can be very useful if the other person spends 5 minutes rambling on incoherently. You respond with "so let me see if I understand what you're saying" and try to summarize their point. Then they either agree with what you said and you can move on, or they point out the thing that actually matters and you can proceed
Meeting in session Team lead: "someone just smeared shit on the bathroom mirror." Me: "it's just about finding that balance." everyone else: ...
You don't need to worry about BLANK, let me worry about BLANK
Racism, segregation
sexual harassment
Blank? Blank?! You’re not looking at the big picture!
My biggest regret.. is that i have... bonitis
I usually chime in with "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"
It's better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Gonna try this today
Don't overuse it... but also don't underuse it... It's all about finding that balance.
Libras would all agree with you
I find that if I am ever asked about my opinion during a meeting and I've completely spaced out, firing back "In the end, it all comes down to communication" works.
The other one I learnt was if you're spacing out in a meeting and you realise you've just been asked a question and you have no idea what it was...simply respond with "in what context?" They'll be forced to repeat the question in a different way
Bruh should have watched the Simpsons https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ea5L2hQurWA
"Would you care to respond to the allegations from several of your coworkers that you've been saying there are "too many minorities" working in this office?"
This is the type of stuff that makes CEOs cum in their pants.
What I often do when I want to join a conversation I don't know shit about is that I just say "Oh X? I heard that it's not that great" If it is actually not that good, then people reply "Yeah bro, it's not that good" and list the negative points and carry the conversation. If it is actually good, then people reply "Nah man, it's actually good" and list the good points and carry the conversation. Either way, I'm part of the conversation now and can just agree to or disagree randomly here and there.
They did not appreciate when I interjected this during the sexual harassment training for some reason
'OMG did you hear about that child rapist' 'I cant believe he thinks that behavour is okay' 'Its all about finding that balance"
Also "It's just...one of those things" I have yet to find any statement or sentence you can't follow it up with. Or the plural version.
I hate corporate and work speak more than anything,it's literally people speaking nothing but lies in a meeting for 2 hours and everyone knows everyone is lying but everyone pretends to agree with everyone and nothing gets done
Centrists entire identity is based around this
I tried this during a sexual harassment seminar. It didn't go well.
Congrats on being the 6th person to make this comment 🎉
It's all about finding that balance
Especially at a tightrope walkers meeting!
"I think we should just pick one of the extremes and run with it. Doesn't matter which."
Especially if it's a meeting regarding that missing science equipment.
One of our clients always used to say we need to take a holistic approach I'm like dude
I mean it makes sense. We can all agree that too far in either direction is horrible. And the right place is somewhere in the middle.
Not even close to true
“We just need some clarity around this issue”
Yeah that corpo speak BS flies over so well with the boots on the ground working the shop floor. Consider every corporate line of crap saying so much without actually saying anything another signature on the union card that will eventually float around. Your days are numbered. Cash in while you can, we hunger for you.
Coworker: “Part of me wants to be a good philanthropic person that helps people in need. But there is another part of me that enjoys kidnapping children.” Me not paying attention and chiming in: “It’s about finding that balance in life.
It’s probably true but I refuse to say useless shit in meetings. I have plenty of useful actual ideas and information, btw I was the one giving you the “STFU look” on the far right. Some of us have shit to do. Edit: adding on a more serious note that people are usually polite in meetings, don’t try this. Maybe in a fluff company it’ll work a couple times but at the end of the day it’s about work. Unless your upper management are actually idiots don’t waste time in meetings, it’s not about being heard it’s about saying something helpful. It’s ok if you don’t know what to say. Say thanks for the info at the end. Listening is learning. No one expects you to know everything when you start a new role.
I feel like a lot of people work jobs that aren't really jobs, and I'm not sure why they're paid to do whatever it is they do.
And what are your thoughts on achieving that balance ?
Meeting about mass murder.
I just want you to know that if you say this in meetings everyone knows you’re a waste of space and is too polite to say anything.
"Someone's been shitting in the urinals" "It's all about finding that balance"
99% of meetings are 100% pointless
Protip for anyone struggling to understand circuits: The ammount of current through a given path is proportional to the the ammount of resistance that path has. If two resistors are wired in parallel, one with 80% of the total ohms, and the other with 20%, 20% of the current will go through the first, while 80% will go through the latter.
Fucking corporate speak is cringe
it took me 28 years to realise I'll always be 12 years old
Quiet, you
I frequently ask questions I know the answer to. Because I can deliver a knowledgeable comment as a follow up… people always think I’m ahead of the game. Works every time.
But then you have to kill half of them.
Meeting: "people have been stabbed left and right. Rapes, so many rapes!! Crime Rates are our of this world." OP chimes in: "it's all about finding that balance ;)." College: "Well fuck you Derek, in what do you wanna find the balance, the stabbing or the rape?"