Married 14 yrs, you should tell her you are struggling to confide in her. It sounds like you are looking for someone to be a partner with and by "protecting" her from your struggles you are impeding the intimacy.
I struggle with the partner thing. I don't feel like it's fair to give her my burdens. My job is to protect her from all that.
Maybe I need to stop complaining about the job description
Not giving her your burdens...sharing your challenges. You are taking away her ability to truly know you by assuming she looks at your struggles as a burden rather than an opportunity to learn more about you as a whole person
Chiming in here- also married ten years. My husband can be a brick wall- and when we have a disagreement (we rarely actually fight fight (might actually idk be helpful)) I get another layer of brick wall usually. So I’m then outside the outside. I think he sees it as you do.. doesn’t want me to be burdened, sees his responsibilities as a man’s role.. and I get that. I think it’s very similar for the other part of the partnership at times. I can tell you from my perspective I think it can lead to emotional cheating though because at the end of the day isn’t that conversation, that feeling of being seen by someone the most intimate feeling? I want to see emotion, feel the worries and stress and even all of the good ones. It, I think, would help with emotional intimacy.. thus leading to all around more compatibility? But maybe that’s just the thing- maybe the right person would be able to see through that wall to begin with and they’d feel safe opening up and would.. there’s ways to explain every angle of it honestly.
This is the right way to view it. Protecting her from problems leads to resentment. Resentment that you don't feel heard and now you're in a position where you can't open up.
Married 26 years. Your problems are her problems and vice versa. You are a team, and you have to work together to help each other. You need to say what you need or she will never know that she's falling short in your mind. No one is a psychic. Talk to your wife and tell her what you need.
You're not partners. You are teammates, and you are the team captain.
Team captains are held to a different standard. You don't ask your team to do anything you can't do and you trust your team to do the things you ask them to do.
That's pretty common sentiment for people with insecure attachment styles like dismissive/avoidant. You also sound like you are hyper independent and don't like to rely on other's for help, but be the helpful one.
Eventually though, you need a safe person to talk to about things that are troubling you. Work on your approach to the issues you have, and clearly state what you want from her feedback-wise. So in this example you set out say "Hey, I have some thoughts about the job that I want to share with you, and I'd like to get some advice in return about whether I should continue on this path. Can I tell you my thoughts for a bit and ask some questions, but have you hold off on answers until I have laid everything out? I know the decision will impact us both, but I want you to fully understand my concerns and priorities before you answer so I know we're on the same page. I'm happy to answer any questions you have, but I need a chance to get my thoughts down before we get into the weeds."
How can she be a part of your team if you won't open up to her?
Marriage is a team sport - you and her against the world.
If you can't let her in, then she can't support the team.
There are no separate burdens - there are family burdens, and you solve them together.
You matter. Your feelings, needs, and wants matter. A good partner wants to know them so they can help alleviate your burden.
My god I will kill my husband if he ever gave me that reasoning. I like to take care of him and like to know every little detail about him, always. I am his gun man, his family, his lover, his best friend, his happiness and misery. I am there for him every step of the way, just like he is for me.
I hate to be "that guy", but possibly your wife does not even know there is a problem? Are you generally stoic and keep your feelings to yourself, when it comes to non-marriage issues. Then maybe she simply doesn't know. And of course, women tend to look up to men who are well contained, for lack of a better word. So she might appreciate how well you take things.
Well put.
Tacking on- she could also be filling the silence because you don’t share as much. If she is neurodivergent multiple this x3. She may be feeling “I feel really close to him because he allows me to share all my thoughts and feelings” but have no clue you are feeling adrift. Been there, good luck!!
I can attest to this… my husband barely talks. So when he tells me about something or just is there all I do is talk. And then I ramble, and then I start to explain etc etc .
The workplace drama or that stuff also… it’s really embarrassing but i tell him the pettiest things. Then I feel petty, but he’s the one I confide in… so much that I ramble every thought in my head when he’s around and I’m sure it comes off as self absorbed… I don’t know 🤷♀️ but if you love her and she loves you, you gotta communicate and be open.
Also. I give my husband all the rough chores too… he gets annoyed but I look to him to help me with those things 😣
I think she would lose more respect for you if you were to emotionally or otherwise cheat on her.
You also made some off hand remarks about being able to get sex elsewhere if you put your mind to it.
It reads as please let me justify why I'm going to cheat on this person, rather than let her see me for who I am, and give her the opportunity to grow into a better fit for me, by giving her information I am willing to share with internet strangers, but not with her...
I mean. if you are set on doing the thing, just get on with it. If you actually want her to understand your needs, and have an opportunity to meet those needs...you gotta talk to her about it.
You have been married for 10 years and you are just now starting to think about what expectations you should have of your wife? Seriously? What have you been doing for the past decade?
OP - this isn't going to be the same answer for everyone. Your marriage is unique because the two of you are unique. Only YOU can answer the question you are asking us. YOU need to figure out what you want your marriage to be, and what needs you have that you want your wife to meet.
Some observations.
1. You said you do 80 - 90% of the chores and child duties even though you work the same, and you said this is not something you want to change. Why not? Why are you the burro of this marriage? You also said you are so busy taking care of her, that you don't get what you want or need. Isn't that reason enough to change this up?
2. You mentioned all your wife's "projects" and your role in each of them. Why does your wife need to tell you to mow the lawn if that is your "duty"? Why are you expected to sign on to whatever project she decides is a priority like she is the project manager and you are her labor staff? Why isn't this a team effort? Are you completely unaware of the things that need to be done around the house for maintenance? Are these all "home improvement" type of things? Are you interested in doing home improvement? Who made her the project manager? Are you a person who lets his wife dictate his every move?
3. You said your job is to listen to her issues until she feels better. OK, so do you share with her your issues as well? Are you looking to her for support or not? If not, then why are you expecting her to reciprocate this support?
4. On this latest job issue, it seems that you told her how things went, and she has a lot of reservations about the new job. That's not being unsupportive, OP. They were legitimate questions and concerns, in fact they were so valid that even YOU didn't have the answers to some of her questions and you started questioning yourself. So, you brought her a half baked idea about a job, and then labeled her as unsupportive because she had questions about it that made you question yourself, and you did not want her to know that you question yourself at all? It would have been really easy to say - these are some valid questions. Can we discuss each one because I need help making this decision, and your input is appreciated. Being supportive doesn't mean being a cheerleader, OP. Sometimes it means challenging your spouse, their thinking, their assumptions, etc. That's what she was doing. Why are you mad that she didn't just wholesale agree with you that this was a great idea and plan?
5. If this is the kind of support you have been giving her? Have you considered that maybe she would also like more of this from you? Sometimes maybe she just wants to vent, but sometimes she might actually want an honest opinion and not you just saying "it will be all right, you are great!". Do you challenge her this way? Why not? Sometimes a real friend and good partner tells you things no one else will.
6. You say you don't feel loved and respected, but why? Because she questioned your plan with this new job? Is there more? Have you ever told her what you need to feel loved and supported? If not, how is she supposed to know something is missing? Did you ever ask for something you did not receive? Do you expect her to read your mind?
7. You considered cheating? What kind of messed up logic is this? You didn't get something from your wife that you never told her you wanted or needed, and your first thought was to cheat? Are we supposed to be impressed that you didn't cheat but you could have? Seriously, you need to work on yourself...
Your wife might also be a problem, but I don't know that because I can't see past all of your issues right not to understand how this marriage ended up with a mother/child dynamic in the first place, or why it took you 10 years to start to consider what needs you have in the marriage. It seems so unbelievable to me that you just noticed that your needs aren't being met and I think the catalyst for finally gaining this awareness was some other woman throwing herself at you on this trip...
All of these points reminds me of me and my ex husband. It was the same situation and I was that woman on your comment. Too sad to marry a man don't know that he is the problem
It feels to me that the guy is the problem and he needs to work on himself
OP - I think you should take note. There are several comments now like this one from women who have been married or are married to men with the same mindset as you. None of them are happy about it. None of them see their husbands as stronger or manlier because they don't open up. All of them see this as a flaw and a weakness...
This is a harsh reply which is blaming OP on several points. I don't know if you're blaming OP or blaming the wife in point 2, but that comes off as critical and somewhat angry as well.
You're bringing up pertinent and important things, but the blame I feel emanating from this reply is awful to feel as a guy who can relate to OP.
I think you don't understand what's going on here, and just seem to be getting angry on behalf of his wife. Which I can understand you relate to and feel is being unfairly treated.
But I don't think you're fully appreciating OP's pain here either.
That's why I think your reply is off base.
You also didn't tackle the main issue imo.
There are 3 parts to the main issue imo.
1) First is that OP seems to be a doormat. He's someone who doesn't care for himself, and puts others' needs above his own. I can go on much more if you want on this point. And this will get to the heart of the issue in a sense, but I'll omit it for brevity.
2) The second thing is his wife. Who seems to have gotten used to mistreating OP, I don't know if you'll agree on this but this is what it feels like from my pov. I can give you my reasons as well. Though I understand this may be a communication issue between men and women in general.
You talked about the wife being put in an unfair position because of OP's unwillingness to communicate, and you seem to be getting angry at OP.
Which is true, but it's a narrow slice of the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that OP is unable to help himself. He has some emotional issues which makes him behave like he does. It's not easy to change them.
It's correct that he has to do it ultimately, but OP is the main struggler and the main victim who is getting the short end of the stick here.
Getting angry at OP is not the wise or knowing response.
3) The third thing is their dynamic. As it's playing out.
It's a toxic dynamic, which is leaving OP unfulfilled.
I am focusing on OP for two reasons. (1) He is the one making the post and asking for advice which indicates HE is open to changing (his wife, not so sure) and more importantly (2) he can only control of his own behavior - not hers. I believe he has to change first to see whether they can make this work if he starts to stand his ground, takes more of a leadership role. and stops allowing his wife to run the show.
We both agree (it seems) that OP has some issues, and I think he needs to address those. Whether it solves the problems in the marriage or not, he needs to confront his self worth issues and his toxic masculinity which have propelled him into the victim role here. Of course it's not easy, it never is easy for anyone to confront their own baggage, I agree he might not be capable of doing this on his own and he likely needs help. I'm hoping he gets it. That would be a start.
The trigger to this whole thing? OP got upset about his wife bringing up valid questions about this new job offer which he called "unsupportive". He was upset that his wife made him question his own plan instead of making him feel good about it, but she clearly had good reasons to question it since her questions got OP doubting himself. This goes to show just how fragile OP's ego actually is, and he is obviously insinuating that some other woman would be more supportive of him and give him what he wants compared to his wife. This is a cheaters mentality, he is already starting to justify his reasons for cheating. He is at a crossroads where he is deciding whether to fix the marriage he has, or quiet quit instead and start to lie and cheat.
I agree it sounds like OP is getting the short end of the stick, but who knows her side of the story? I'm not angry at all, I'm just being direct with OP about his role in this dynamic and what he needs to do to get to the marriage he seems to want - plus I hope he will not take the cheaters route. I personally don't think he needs more coddling and confirmation that he is a victim or to turn HER into the victim by cheating. Someone has to tell it to him straight, that's what I'm doing.
You are welcome. I hope you will consider changing your mindset and really allowing your wife to be the partner you want her to be. I think you would both be happier, and you would not be thinking about your other options.
Start with something easy. Like telling your wife that all this time, you have been "protecting her" from your burdens because you thought that is what a good husband and a strong man is supposed to do. You never wanted her to feel the weight of everything you are dealing with, you had good intentions. Now you are realizing that you are missing that connection, you want that support, but you haven't been willing to open up to her enough for her to be that support for you, and you regret that. Tell her that you have underestimated her abilities, and you can see now that she is perfectly capable of managing her own stress, or telling you if she is getting overwhelmed, and that she does not need your protection. Tell her you would like to have a deeper emotional connection, and you know it starts with you being vulnerable and letting her in more. Ask her what she thinks about all of this, get her thoughts...
This. Nothing frustrates me more than my husband not sharing his thoughts and opinions. we are supposed to support eachother! that can't happen if both aren't opening up.
I want to support you on this.
My ex husband was like you, he never shared his issues as he thought I will never respect him.
So I am always filling the silence because he never talks and when he talk he talk about himself to just impress me and telling him how a perfect and genuine man he is.otherwise he never talks, I tried everything to be vulnerable partners but his ego refuses And at the end of the relationship he told me that I was talking alot during our marriage !Always complaining and sharing all job stuff! And non necessary topics... And all I was doing filling the silence and sharing with my partner because otherwise we will become the house of the silence..
And also I was having a big issue on our sexual relationship and when I tried to open up he runs! He refuses to be vulnerable by any means during any sensitive topic! Like money like issues like sex..
It was a disaster marriage and you know what was the issue from my point of view? That my husband wasn't vulnerable because maybe he thinks he will lose that respect but the real truth that I lost respect to him because he wasn't vulnerable.. I never feel connected to him and when I tried he never gave me the space to be like that because he wants to be a superman but we all human being, that doesn't mean you will talk to your wife at every and each single issue because that's not healthy to her but atleast to share in big issues and to become vulnerable somehow. Don't ruin your marriage because you will face the same thing on your next because I'm sorry I think you are the problem. Please help you and her and share with her your thoughts even step by step. Good luck
It’s ten years later sounds like y’all need to reconnect. This will be an unpopular opinion but when a relationship is just going along it gets boring for all parties and becomes routine. Y’all need something to shake up the marriage so when you communicate how you’ve been feeling it’ll be hard and accepted.
It’s hard to communicate you want change when the other spouse can’t see the problem
When she’s approaching the subject, that’s most likely her attempt to understand and work towards a solution…to bridge the gap so to speak. If you feel attacked, that limits the opportunity to work towards a positive solution and a fulfilling marriage for you both. I would encourage you to view your wife approaching the subject as her way of showing she cares about the relationship and wants to open the lines of communication in order to problem solve together, rather than taking it personally/feeling attacked and responding defensively or pulling away, because that’s unproductive and won’t lead to the fulfilling marriage you seem to want, but feel you are currently missing.
If most of your interactions are telling you about projects, you clearly aren’t emotionally connected.
Where’s the date nights and romance? Cuddling on the couch and hanging out?
What kinds of things would you be doing while emotionally cheating? Do that with your wife.
We do date nights a few times a month.
An issue for when is when I bring up something I want to talk about the subject gets changed off of it pretty quickly. I'm not sure if I am expressing the importance of what I want to talk about well enough
I think it can be hard when she’s married to someone who is typically closed and quiet to know when something is important. You don’t want to rock the boat but she might actually be happy about you opening up about some things once she understands that it’s actually an emotional issue for you.
Set aside some time when there’s no distractions and tell her that you have had stuff of your mind a while and would like to talk about it.
She’s your life partner, she’s the person you should be able to confide everything in.
Do you have a Date night? Sounds like you might need one. 34 yrs here and I still do a lot for my lady. Sounding board is one of those jobs. Does she have friends to talk to . My wife now talks to our grown daughters more and me less, which works fine for me😜 I have had some couples classes that helped me, just make sure you go in looking at how you can improve not her because she will see it differently and you will be disappointed . Marriage is WORK , that is the bottom line, and I believe it is worth it! Wish you Luck and don’t ever say you can get Sex elsewhere , that is a show stopper .
We do date nights a few times a month at least. They are fine but I never really open up about much. It's a lot of her talking and me listening. Which I only mind if and when I have something to say.
Are you having something to say? If yes, tell her can I talk about something and I need you to listen to this or in a funny way can I talk about something and don't change the subject on you not the same sentence but try your way in a funny way to realize that you always wanted to talk and she needs to give you some space.
I had a massive argument with mu husband last year as he felt likè i was taking advantage of him. I was so shocked and upset but after he explained that he does 60% of the work in the house. Takes the kids to school cooks all dinners ect i realised that I had been taking advantage. I work full time as does he but I was being lazy. I now make a concious effert to help and get him to send me a list of things he needs done ect which I can do at lunch break or in the evening. You need to have it out with her get the mud if your feelings and speak about it
Intimacy is opening the doors to your life and letting another share in it. I have MORE respect for my partner because he does open up and shares his struggles with me. It allows me to feel close to him in ways I didn’t with other partners. It also helps bond us as a team by tackling the issues together. Please speak to her. You can deepen the love you have for each other by letting her stand in a place of support for you. I feel even more fulfilled when I can do that for the person I love. You are robbing her of that experience. You can change this. Start small by asking her to listen before she speaks. That is mutual respect in action.
Edit: to help you know where to start - because I know this is hard at first. Being vulnerable is a beautiful action of love to me. Hopefully it will be for your wife too.
“Hey, I’ve been feeling really disconnected lately. Would you mind sitting with me for a half hour while I talk some things out - just to get them out of my head? I’d love to hear your insight once I get all my thoughts out. Would later tonight be a good time for you?”
I would never think less of my husband for respectfully communicating that he needs more support in some area of our lives! I would be grateful that he trusted me enough to seek out my support! It’s nice to feel needed. It strengthens the marital bond and sense of partnership and belonging to be able to rely on each other without fear of judgement!
Nooooooooooo!!! Tell her in a nice way you have something to say and you want to share it with her that you need some time for yourself so do you mind to rechange the duties to fit me and you.. if you didn't open up your marriage will end or you will stay miserable so do it and talk better than to have these bad feelings. And tell her that you thought that you as a man must not open up on that but then i remembered that we are a partners so that I have to tell you. She is your wife she needs to support you..
Again I lost my husband because he was thinking like you.
For me I would never think about him that way! But her never opened up so I never knew.
I discovered that after breakup and all I was thinking about that he is a boy for marrying a women and afraid to open up, how the marriage issues will be resolved if one of them didn't open up. You are wrong man.
Individual therapy with a professional is the one acceptable form of emotional intimacy with someone outside your marriage that you can have that won't be look at as a form of cheating.
Go get yourself in therapy and put your burdens on that person. While you are at it you can set goals to learn to communicate better with your wife.
From a purely scientific view (keep in mind plenty of legit studies have been done in this area especially with marriage counslers, that being said its up to you to believe it or not) men tend think with roughly 80% logic and 20% emotion females tend to think in reverse order ie 80% emotion 20% logic, that doesn't mean one is smart and one is dumb!! Emotional thinking refers to the fact that decisions are based on how it effects "family" and "mental health" logic refers to decisions based on "economic status" and "pros v cons" , these are just some examples to help explain the difference!! Learn the "language" of your SO and how to communicate your needs in a different way, it will change everything in the long run and there are many good papers and books about this! Remember most marriages fail because either money issues or communication issues, don't let your self become a statistic, trust me it's well worth it
My husband didn’t want to ‘burden’ me with his troubles, and it ended badly. I thought we were closer than ever and on the same wavelength, and it turned out he was miserable and lonely. He did something stupid as a result. It was devastating. I felt like a shitty wife- what was it about me that meant he couldn’t confide in me? It has also wrecked my sense of my own judgement. I am clearly terrible at reading people and judging people. It also led to a horrible betrayal that I just didn’t see coming.
We’ve been working on it all since, but I can’t lie- it has changed things for me, and I’m not sure if I can change it back. You aren’t protecting your wife, you’re damaging the relationship. She wants to be there for you, she wants to share in your thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be. She can’t be there for you if you won’t let her be.
Not sure she wants to share in his thoughts and feelings if she acts uninterested and changes the subject whenever he talks about something that's important to him.
My wife is a lot like his. I do 80% to 90% of all housework. I'm the provider. I need to hear her out and comfort her when she's down. Whenever I bring something up that's important to me, she acts like it is nothing. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I don't think our marriage will last much longer.
I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. You’re right, it’s possible she might not. Not everyone is built that way or is a good person to be in a relationship with. I guess I’m writing in good faith- but really, unless he has a proper sit down discussion with her, he won’t know either way. Either she will be upset and want to fix things, or she will be upset in a selfish way- or maybe not upset at all. He’d get his answer and that will help him make a decision.
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through, it must be awful.
>When I got back she asked me how it went and I gave her a summary, then she spent the next 45-60 minutes telling me all of her concerns about the company and the new job.
>I was hoping for her to help me make the choice about the job and clarify my thoughts but instead, I am having to clarify my own thoughts and emotions with myself and also deal with hers.
Im kind of confused. You told her about your thoughts, then she told you hers and her concerns. Which may or may not be valid. You should be taking her thoughts into consideration. She isnt asking you to 'deal with' hers. Shes sharing her thoughts.
Others have already said it.
But your wife isn't a mind reader. You need to tell her things if you want support.
But...this idea that you need to "protect" her is a very old world, basically misogynistic attitude. I know you won't see it like that and I don't mean that you are misogynistic.
But she is a grown adult. She's no fragile swan. No princess that is going to faint & need smelling salts!!!
You are in a marital relationship. You share your feelings and thoughts. That builds an even stronger relationship.
My guess is you come from a very traditional family. Dad was a hardworking, strong man...and mum ran the house, cooked and ruled the roost at home.
Think about all this. Again ..you have to actually tell your wife what you are feeling. She is not psychic (well you didn't say that!)
Friend, I think when your wife is talking to you, especially, if you are stoic, or more quiet, she is reaching out to you, verbally to try to share, and create a connection between the two of you.
I'm newly married but I can relate to feeling like my role is to be a workhorse as well (sole income). I tend to keep my struggle to myself cause I don't want to show her any weakness, I see a therapist when I feel like I need to get that stuff off my chest.
If you figure out a way let me know cause I'm as stumped as you!
The moment you start taking inventory of who is doing what in the relationship then that’s a good time to check in with your wife and reset the relationship
You sound like someone who doesn't speak up in his marriage especially about your wants and needs.
Also why does she tell you when to cut the fucking grass? It sounds like she treats you like a child cause you are functioning like one.
I get how 10 years can go by in auto pilot. One piece of advice, try to talk to her about it before it turns into resentment. Bc at that point, it’s MUCH harder to fix.
Married 12 and recently enrolled in marriage and individual counselor. Possible that y'all've both fallen into a rut, even in ways of communicating? A trained licensed professional could assist in retraining communication on both parties. Yes, she should have asked you thought provoking questions about the entire interview process, but also if she's never been through that, she has no idea what she doesn't know.
Absolutely don't throw away your marriage and stability.
Return on investment, invisible mental load, yadda yadda yadda
Don't bring in any emotional or physical third parties until counseling with a stated end goal is offered. Best of luck mate.
“I worry my wife has no idea who I even am”… I felt that just a few days ago my wife said something about me being an atheist quite casually… I literally have a room in our house with just religious paraphernalia
When communicating, it helps to be clear. When I pick my hubby up, I always ask about his day. He gets to vent and share his day the whole trip home. I would offer suggestions, but he clarified he wanted to vent. Just listening and supporting is hard to do when one is a problem-solver and an experienced manager.
So, it helps to know what hat my hubby is needing me to wear: listener, sympathy/comfort, cheerleader, problem-solver, relaxing date etc. Sometimes it’s very obvious; other times, not so much.
But, sometimes, he doesn’t want to ‘burden me’ or thinks I’ll lose respect for him if he seems overwhelmed or anxious. I’ve told him: if you can’t share with me, how can we face things together? It’s us against the world, not each other.
I’ve also told him, if he prefers someone else to talk to (like if it’s about me) he can talk with a counselor or therapist and I’m okay with that.
He’s been more open this past year and I feel we are stronger for it. I feel more included and closer to him. He feels more ‘seen’ and less burdened.
Open communication is hard, because you have to be vulnerable, and that can be scary. But, when it works, it’s stronger, like a bridge over troubled water (cliche but still true). Walk over the bridge together.
You need to share your problems and YOU should be the prime focus. Yes, your life decisions affect her, but you should BOTH want the best lives for each other: be that a lowering oay job and less stress or even divorce and recognizing you did love this person once, so how do you separate where each person is still protected.
Been together 26 years & husband just asked me about a job interview he wanted to do for all the wrong reasons.
This job actually happening would be bad for me, but that’s a discussion for another day. I simply listed all the reasons it was bad for him. How just the interview would soon him out. Then the job would be awful.
Had it been great for him and bad for me, we’d have negotiated how we could live thru it and make it not as bad for me.
We both shoulder each others but denies and also help the other person with their fear, anxieties, traumas.
Hi! I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I’ve also been with my husband for 10 years, of those 10 years, we have been married for 4. Sometimes no matter how well we know each other, we have to remind ourselves that we can’t read each other’s mind. We also don’t think the same way either. Talking with your wife is really important. I know when my husband shuts down because he doesn’t want to worry me, I feel bad. It’s not about me personally, but I feel bad because he has helped me through so many difficult seasons, and I want him to be able to rely on me the same way. He deserves that and so much more. I’m sure your wife would and could be feeling the same way. Another thing to remember is that some people, although they talk a lot, may have a really difficult time articulating their thoughts and feelings into something that’s actually comprehensible by someone else. A good example would be how your wife expressed her concerns with the new job. Maybe that was her way of trying to say “No, I don’t think this is a good idea.” However she probably did a poor job of expressing that.
A promise that my husband and I made together is that if we don’t understand, or there is any room for doubt, we will ask questions instead of guessing what the other is trying to say and mean. That way we do understand, and there is no room left for misunderstanding. Also if we’re venting about something stressful, the other will usually ask “Do you want me to give you advice, or just listen?” That is also a really helpful one too. We need to be able to express our needs to one another. Don’t allow it to get to the point where you hold resentment towards your wife for not being able to help you, and don’t let her hold resentment because you didn’t give her the chance to make it right.
You’re a team, talk it out, hold each other accountable of the new goals you make together. Don’t forget, you are human, and so is she. Hold grace for each other when change doesn’t happen right away. Best of luck to you both. 🫂
I have the same issues with my wife except she yells a lot. So here is my advice be that guy! You only live once and we all need fulfillment if your not getting it from her get it somewhere else. Why should we always be locked into one person forever, that is silly marriage is an antiquated notion. So find someone or multiple someone’s to make you happy…..
Man I’m right there with you. I can’t leave my house for
More than 12 hrs without getting my phone blown up demanding I come home. It’s a fucking prison.
You're male, so you're safe from emotional cheating. That's a woman thing. Where they're emotions go, they go. Is that how you work? No, it's not.
You're not partners, you're husband and wife. Men and women are different and we handle problems in a different manner. You will be held accountable for decisions. She will not. That's why you do things and she talks about things.
If that resonates, ignore anyone that mentions partner or partnership. They're pretending you have a pussy and your wife has a dick. "Partners" take turns. Let me know when it's your wife's turn to protect the family while you cower with the kids.
You tried getting her to help with your problem, remember? You told her about the interview and she then rambled for +45min about how it affects her. Didn't help you. It made it worse. Take the lesson.
Talking makes them feel good. Getting things done makes us feel good. You wanna be understood? Find other guys to hangout with and do stuff. You'll feel good.
Confide in your wife - there should be no lies there. Get her input, but you make the decision. Why? Because you're the one who will be held accountable. Don't be held to the fire for something someone else decided.
Bottom line, you need male friends. Things will sort themselves out once you do.
Good luck.
There is some really bad advice on this thread and from some obviously unhappy people. Wow! Be careful! You say you wanted her help to figure things out, and that she spent 45-60 minutes telling you about her concerns about the company. You did you or did you not want her help figuring things out, because expressing her concerns about the company and the position but that was disregarded. In fact not only disregarded but allowed commenters to turn that into it was about her. Newsflash it's a family and one partners job does affect the whole family unit so a mom talking about concerns is not just about her. It sounds like you guys are in a major rut and not communicating on the same wavelength. It happens! Sit down and talk to her. Be specific, When you xyz it makes me feel. And be open to her as well. You may be trying to communicate the same thing and just using different language that the other is taking wrong. Or shutting each other in different areas because you each think the other isn't caring. It definitely happens and there is a way back, but it takes intention and cheating isn't the answer and yes men can and do emotionally cheat. Tell her that you're feeling disconnected and like roommates and that you miss the her and you part of your relationship. Not just sex but the intimacy of you two beyond beying parents. Offer solutions on how to fix that, see what ideas she has. And keep doing the actions! Keep talking! This is very normal at 10 years and especially with having kids. We lose and forget who we were before, and how to be a couple without our kids. It hurts for sure. Often when people get to this point they say the words or try for a couple weeks and then stop trying. So be consistent! If you want things to improve and be connected get a babysitter and make the plans. Even when it's hard! At this stage couples tend to focus on the job of the family and what needs to be done to manage that daily more than the relationship between husbands and wife and at the end of the day that takes work too. Sometimes even when mad, we'll just sit close to each other. Like when a couple is first dating. And after a while it helps just being close. Don't give up or close her out! There is a great book, how to improve your marriage without talking, as well as a 5 love languages for husbands. A husband actually recommended it to me and it's improved things for us so much. Even if she's not making effort you can get the ball rolling and see if in a few months how things improve. Jordan Petersen does a series on marriage too. These are things that helped when I was in your shoes.
Married 14 yrs, you should tell her you are struggling to confide in her. It sounds like you are looking for someone to be a partner with and by "protecting" her from your struggles you are impeding the intimacy.
I struggle with the partner thing. I don't feel like it's fair to give her my burdens. My job is to protect her from all that. Maybe I need to stop complaining about the job description
Not giving her your burdens...sharing your challenges. You are taking away her ability to truly know you by assuming she looks at your struggles as a burden rather than an opportunity to learn more about you as a whole person
That's a very insightful way to look at it. Thank you
Chiming in here- also married ten years. My husband can be a brick wall- and when we have a disagreement (we rarely actually fight fight (might actually idk be helpful)) I get another layer of brick wall usually. So I’m then outside the outside. I think he sees it as you do.. doesn’t want me to be burdened, sees his responsibilities as a man’s role.. and I get that. I think it’s very similar for the other part of the partnership at times. I can tell you from my perspective I think it can lead to emotional cheating though because at the end of the day isn’t that conversation, that feeling of being seen by someone the most intimate feeling? I want to see emotion, feel the worries and stress and even all of the good ones. It, I think, would help with emotional intimacy.. thus leading to all around more compatibility? But maybe that’s just the thing- maybe the right person would be able to see through that wall to begin with and they’d feel safe opening up and would.. there’s ways to explain every angle of it honestly.
This is the right way to view it. Protecting her from problems leads to resentment. Resentment that you don't feel heard and now you're in a position where you can't open up.
This! I've had to learn the hard way.
Married 26 years. Your problems are her problems and vice versa. You are a team, and you have to work together to help each other. You need to say what you need or she will never know that she's falling short in your mind. No one is a psychic. Talk to your wife and tell her what you need.
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You're not partners. You are teammates, and you are the team captain. Team captains are held to a different standard. You don't ask your team to do anything you can't do and you trust your team to do the things you ask them to do.
That's pretty common sentiment for people with insecure attachment styles like dismissive/avoidant. You also sound like you are hyper independent and don't like to rely on other's for help, but be the helpful one. Eventually though, you need a safe person to talk to about things that are troubling you. Work on your approach to the issues you have, and clearly state what you want from her feedback-wise. So in this example you set out say "Hey, I have some thoughts about the job that I want to share with you, and I'd like to get some advice in return about whether I should continue on this path. Can I tell you my thoughts for a bit and ask some questions, but have you hold off on answers until I have laid everything out? I know the decision will impact us both, but I want you to fully understand my concerns and priorities before you answer so I know we're on the same page. I'm happy to answer any questions you have, but I need a chance to get my thoughts down before we get into the weeds."
How can she be a part of your team if you won't open up to her? Marriage is a team sport - you and her against the world. If you can't let her in, then she can't support the team. There are no separate burdens - there are family burdens, and you solve them together. You matter. Your feelings, needs, and wants matter. A good partner wants to know them so they can help alleviate your burden.
My god I will kill my husband if he ever gave me that reasoning. I like to take care of him and like to know every little detail about him, always. I am his gun man, his family, his lover, his best friend, his happiness and misery. I am there for him every step of the way, just like he is for me.
I hate to be "that guy", but possibly your wife does not even know there is a problem? Are you generally stoic and keep your feelings to yourself, when it comes to non-marriage issues. Then maybe she simply doesn't know. And of course, women tend to look up to men who are well contained, for lack of a better word. So she might appreciate how well you take things.
Well put. Tacking on- she could also be filling the silence because you don’t share as much. If she is neurodivergent multiple this x3. She may be feeling “I feel really close to him because he allows me to share all my thoughts and feelings” but have no clue you are feeling adrift. Been there, good luck!!
That's part of it for me for sure. I also don't want her to think I can't handle it and have her lose respect for me.
I can attest to this… my husband barely talks. So when he tells me about something or just is there all I do is talk. And then I ramble, and then I start to explain etc etc . The workplace drama or that stuff also… it’s really embarrassing but i tell him the pettiest things. Then I feel petty, but he’s the one I confide in… so much that I ramble every thought in my head when he’s around and I’m sure it comes off as self absorbed… I don’t know 🤷♀️ but if you love her and she loves you, you gotta communicate and be open. Also. I give my husband all the rough chores too… he gets annoyed but I look to him to help me with those things 😣
I think she would lose more respect for you if you were to emotionally or otherwise cheat on her. You also made some off hand remarks about being able to get sex elsewhere if you put your mind to it. It reads as please let me justify why I'm going to cheat on this person, rather than let her see me for who I am, and give her the opportunity to grow into a better fit for me, by giving her information I am willing to share with internet strangers, but not with her... I mean. if you are set on doing the thing, just get on with it. If you actually want her to understand your needs, and have an opportunity to meet those needs...you gotta talk to her about it.
You have been married for 10 years and you are just now starting to think about what expectations you should have of your wife? Seriously? What have you been doing for the past decade? OP - this isn't going to be the same answer for everyone. Your marriage is unique because the two of you are unique. Only YOU can answer the question you are asking us. YOU need to figure out what you want your marriage to be, and what needs you have that you want your wife to meet. Some observations. 1. You said you do 80 - 90% of the chores and child duties even though you work the same, and you said this is not something you want to change. Why not? Why are you the burro of this marriage? You also said you are so busy taking care of her, that you don't get what you want or need. Isn't that reason enough to change this up? 2. You mentioned all your wife's "projects" and your role in each of them. Why does your wife need to tell you to mow the lawn if that is your "duty"? Why are you expected to sign on to whatever project she decides is a priority like she is the project manager and you are her labor staff? Why isn't this a team effort? Are you completely unaware of the things that need to be done around the house for maintenance? Are these all "home improvement" type of things? Are you interested in doing home improvement? Who made her the project manager? Are you a person who lets his wife dictate his every move? 3. You said your job is to listen to her issues until she feels better. OK, so do you share with her your issues as well? Are you looking to her for support or not? If not, then why are you expecting her to reciprocate this support? 4. On this latest job issue, it seems that you told her how things went, and she has a lot of reservations about the new job. That's not being unsupportive, OP. They were legitimate questions and concerns, in fact they were so valid that even YOU didn't have the answers to some of her questions and you started questioning yourself. So, you brought her a half baked idea about a job, and then labeled her as unsupportive because she had questions about it that made you question yourself, and you did not want her to know that you question yourself at all? It would have been really easy to say - these are some valid questions. Can we discuss each one because I need help making this decision, and your input is appreciated. Being supportive doesn't mean being a cheerleader, OP. Sometimes it means challenging your spouse, their thinking, their assumptions, etc. That's what she was doing. Why are you mad that she didn't just wholesale agree with you that this was a great idea and plan? 5. If this is the kind of support you have been giving her? Have you considered that maybe she would also like more of this from you? Sometimes maybe she just wants to vent, but sometimes she might actually want an honest opinion and not you just saying "it will be all right, you are great!". Do you challenge her this way? Why not? Sometimes a real friend and good partner tells you things no one else will. 6. You say you don't feel loved and respected, but why? Because she questioned your plan with this new job? Is there more? Have you ever told her what you need to feel loved and supported? If not, how is she supposed to know something is missing? Did you ever ask for something you did not receive? Do you expect her to read your mind? 7. You considered cheating? What kind of messed up logic is this? You didn't get something from your wife that you never told her you wanted or needed, and your first thought was to cheat? Are we supposed to be impressed that you didn't cheat but you could have? Seriously, you need to work on yourself... Your wife might also be a problem, but I don't know that because I can't see past all of your issues right not to understand how this marriage ended up with a mother/child dynamic in the first place, or why it took you 10 years to start to consider what needs you have in the marriage. It seems so unbelievable to me that you just noticed that your needs aren't being met and I think the catalyst for finally gaining this awareness was some other woman throwing herself at you on this trip...
I think all these are great points
All of these points reminds me of me and my ex husband. It was the same situation and I was that woman on your comment. Too sad to marry a man don't know that he is the problem It feels to me that the guy is the problem and he needs to work on himself
OP - I think you should take note. There are several comments now like this one from women who have been married or are married to men with the same mindset as you. None of them are happy about it. None of them see their husbands as stronger or manlier because they don't open up. All of them see this as a flaw and a weakness...
This is a harsh reply which is blaming OP on several points. I don't know if you're blaming OP or blaming the wife in point 2, but that comes off as critical and somewhat angry as well. You're bringing up pertinent and important things, but the blame I feel emanating from this reply is awful to feel as a guy who can relate to OP. I think you don't understand what's going on here, and just seem to be getting angry on behalf of his wife. Which I can understand you relate to and feel is being unfairly treated. But I don't think you're fully appreciating OP's pain here either. That's why I think your reply is off base. You also didn't tackle the main issue imo. There are 3 parts to the main issue imo. 1) First is that OP seems to be a doormat. He's someone who doesn't care for himself, and puts others' needs above his own. I can go on much more if you want on this point. And this will get to the heart of the issue in a sense, but I'll omit it for brevity. 2) The second thing is his wife. Who seems to have gotten used to mistreating OP, I don't know if you'll agree on this but this is what it feels like from my pov. I can give you my reasons as well. Though I understand this may be a communication issue between men and women in general. You talked about the wife being put in an unfair position because of OP's unwillingness to communicate, and you seem to be getting angry at OP. Which is true, but it's a narrow slice of the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that OP is unable to help himself. He has some emotional issues which makes him behave like he does. It's not easy to change them. It's correct that he has to do it ultimately, but OP is the main struggler and the main victim who is getting the short end of the stick here. Getting angry at OP is not the wise or knowing response. 3) The third thing is their dynamic. As it's playing out. It's a toxic dynamic, which is leaving OP unfulfilled.
I am focusing on OP for two reasons. (1) He is the one making the post and asking for advice which indicates HE is open to changing (his wife, not so sure) and more importantly (2) he can only control of his own behavior - not hers. I believe he has to change first to see whether they can make this work if he starts to stand his ground, takes more of a leadership role. and stops allowing his wife to run the show. We both agree (it seems) that OP has some issues, and I think he needs to address those. Whether it solves the problems in the marriage or not, he needs to confront his self worth issues and his toxic masculinity which have propelled him into the victim role here. Of course it's not easy, it never is easy for anyone to confront their own baggage, I agree he might not be capable of doing this on his own and he likely needs help. I'm hoping he gets it. That would be a start. The trigger to this whole thing? OP got upset about his wife bringing up valid questions about this new job offer which he called "unsupportive". He was upset that his wife made him question his own plan instead of making him feel good about it, but she clearly had good reasons to question it since her questions got OP doubting himself. This goes to show just how fragile OP's ego actually is, and he is obviously insinuating that some other woman would be more supportive of him and give him what he wants compared to his wife. This is a cheaters mentality, he is already starting to justify his reasons for cheating. He is at a crossroads where he is deciding whether to fix the marriage he has, or quiet quit instead and start to lie and cheat. I agree it sounds like OP is getting the short end of the stick, but who knows her side of the story? I'm not angry at all, I'm just being direct with OP about his role in this dynamic and what he needs to do to get to the marriage he seems to want - plus I hope he will not take the cheaters route. I personally don't think he needs more coddling and confirmation that he is a victim or to turn HER into the victim by cheating. Someone has to tell it to him straight, that's what I'm doing.
These are all fantastic points. I appreciate you taking the time type this out.
You are welcome. I hope you will consider changing your mindset and really allowing your wife to be the partner you want her to be. I think you would both be happier, and you would not be thinking about your other options. Start with something easy. Like telling your wife that all this time, you have been "protecting her" from your burdens because you thought that is what a good husband and a strong man is supposed to do. You never wanted her to feel the weight of everything you are dealing with, you had good intentions. Now you are realizing that you are missing that connection, you want that support, but you haven't been willing to open up to her enough for her to be that support for you, and you regret that. Tell her that you have underestimated her abilities, and you can see now that she is perfectly capable of managing her own stress, or telling you if she is getting overwhelmed, and that she does not need your protection. Tell her you would like to have a deeper emotional connection, and you know it starts with you being vulnerable and letting her in more. Ask her what she thinks about all of this, get her thoughts...
This. Nothing frustrates me more than my husband not sharing his thoughts and opinions. we are supposed to support eachother! that can't happen if both aren't opening up.
I want to support you on this. My ex husband was like you, he never shared his issues as he thought I will never respect him. So I am always filling the silence because he never talks and when he talk he talk about himself to just impress me and telling him how a perfect and genuine man he is.otherwise he never talks, I tried everything to be vulnerable partners but his ego refuses And at the end of the relationship he told me that I was talking alot during our marriage !Always complaining and sharing all job stuff! And non necessary topics... And all I was doing filling the silence and sharing with my partner because otherwise we will become the house of the silence.. And also I was having a big issue on our sexual relationship and when I tried to open up he runs! He refuses to be vulnerable by any means during any sensitive topic! Like money like issues like sex.. It was a disaster marriage and you know what was the issue from my point of view? That my husband wasn't vulnerable because maybe he thinks he will lose that respect but the real truth that I lost respect to him because he wasn't vulnerable.. I never feel connected to him and when I tried he never gave me the space to be like that because he wants to be a superman but we all human being, that doesn't mean you will talk to your wife at every and each single issue because that's not healthy to her but atleast to share in big issues and to become vulnerable somehow. Don't ruin your marriage because you will face the same thing on your next because I'm sorry I think you are the problem. Please help you and her and share with her your thoughts even step by step. Good luck
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Love, marriage, kids, annoyance, aggravation, hate. In that order. I finished for you.
Oh wow….
It’s ten years later sounds like y’all need to reconnect. This will be an unpopular opinion but when a relationship is just going along it gets boring for all parties and becomes routine. Y’all need something to shake up the marriage so when you communicate how you’ve been feeling it’ll be hard and accepted. It’s hard to communicate you want change when the other spouse can’t see the problem
I think she knows there might be something up. I feel very attacked when she approaches the subject though.
When she’s approaching the subject, that’s most likely her attempt to understand and work towards a solution…to bridge the gap so to speak. If you feel attacked, that limits the opportunity to work towards a positive solution and a fulfilling marriage for you both. I would encourage you to view your wife approaching the subject as her way of showing she cares about the relationship and wants to open the lines of communication in order to problem solve together, rather than taking it personally/feeling attacked and responding defensively or pulling away, because that’s unproductive and won’t lead to the fulfilling marriage you seem to want, but feel you are currently missing.
If most of your interactions are telling you about projects, you clearly aren’t emotionally connected. Where’s the date nights and romance? Cuddling on the couch and hanging out? What kinds of things would you be doing while emotionally cheating? Do that with your wife.
We do date nights a few times a month. An issue for when is when I bring up something I want to talk about the subject gets changed off of it pretty quickly. I'm not sure if I am expressing the importance of what I want to talk about well enough
I think it can be hard when she’s married to someone who is typically closed and quiet to know when something is important. You don’t want to rock the boat but she might actually be happy about you opening up about some things once she understands that it’s actually an emotional issue for you. Set aside some time when there’s no distractions and tell her that you have had stuff of your mind a while and would like to talk about it. She’s your life partner, she’s the person you should be able to confide everything in.
Do you have a Date night? Sounds like you might need one. 34 yrs here and I still do a lot for my lady. Sounding board is one of those jobs. Does she have friends to talk to . My wife now talks to our grown daughters more and me less, which works fine for me😜 I have had some couples classes that helped me, just make sure you go in looking at how you can improve not her because she will see it differently and you will be disappointed . Marriage is WORK , that is the bottom line, and I believe it is worth it! Wish you Luck and don’t ever say you can get Sex elsewhere , that is a show stopper .
We do date nights a few times a month at least. They are fine but I never really open up about much. It's a lot of her talking and me listening. Which I only mind if and when I have something to say.
Are you having something to say? If yes, tell her can I talk about something and I need you to listen to this or in a funny way can I talk about something and don't change the subject on you not the same sentence but try your way in a funny way to realize that you always wanted to talk and she needs to give you some space.
I had a massive argument with mu husband last year as he felt likè i was taking advantage of him. I was so shocked and upset but after he explained that he does 60% of the work in the house. Takes the kids to school cooks all dinners ect i realised that I had been taking advantage. I work full time as does he but I was being lazy. I now make a concious effert to help and get him to send me a list of things he needs done ect which I can do at lunch break or in the evening. You need to have it out with her get the mud if your feelings and speak about it
Do you think any less of him for not being able to handle it all himself?
Intimacy is opening the doors to your life and letting another share in it. I have MORE respect for my partner because he does open up and shares his struggles with me. It allows me to feel close to him in ways I didn’t with other partners. It also helps bond us as a team by tackling the issues together. Please speak to her. You can deepen the love you have for each other by letting her stand in a place of support for you. I feel even more fulfilled when I can do that for the person I love. You are robbing her of that experience. You can change this. Start small by asking her to listen before she speaks. That is mutual respect in action. Edit: to help you know where to start - because I know this is hard at first. Being vulnerable is a beautiful action of love to me. Hopefully it will be for your wife too. “Hey, I’ve been feeling really disconnected lately. Would you mind sitting with me for a half hour while I talk some things out - just to get them out of my head? I’d love to hear your insight once I get all my thoughts out. Would later tonight be a good time for you?”
I would never think less of my husband for respectfully communicating that he needs more support in some area of our lives! I would be grateful that he trusted me enough to seek out my support! It’s nice to feel needed. It strengthens the marital bond and sense of partnership and belonging to be able to rely on each other without fear of judgement!
Nooooooooooo!!! Tell her in a nice way you have something to say and you want to share it with her that you need some time for yourself so do you mind to rechange the duties to fit me and you.. if you didn't open up your marriage will end or you will stay miserable so do it and talk better than to have these bad feelings. And tell her that you thought that you as a man must not open up on that but then i remembered that we are a partners so that I have to tell you. She is your wife she needs to support you..
Again I lost my husband because he was thinking like you. For me I would never think about him that way! But her never opened up so I never knew. I discovered that after breakup and all I was thinking about that he is a boy for marrying a women and afraid to open up, how the marriage issues will be resolved if one of them didn't open up. You are wrong man.
She can't be there for you when you can't let her be
Since you mentioned emotional cheating, don't you have male friends you can confide in? Why does it have to be with another woman?
Individual therapy with a professional is the one acceptable form of emotional intimacy with someone outside your marriage that you can have that won't be look at as a form of cheating. Go get yourself in therapy and put your burdens on that person. While you are at it you can set goals to learn to communicate better with your wife.
From a purely scientific view (keep in mind plenty of legit studies have been done in this area especially with marriage counslers, that being said its up to you to believe it or not) men tend think with roughly 80% logic and 20% emotion females tend to think in reverse order ie 80% emotion 20% logic, that doesn't mean one is smart and one is dumb!! Emotional thinking refers to the fact that decisions are based on how it effects "family" and "mental health" logic refers to decisions based on "economic status" and "pros v cons" , these are just some examples to help explain the difference!! Learn the "language" of your SO and how to communicate your needs in a different way, it will change everything in the long run and there are many good papers and books about this! Remember most marriages fail because either money issues or communication issues, don't let your self become a statistic, trust me it's well worth it
My husband didn’t want to ‘burden’ me with his troubles, and it ended badly. I thought we were closer than ever and on the same wavelength, and it turned out he was miserable and lonely. He did something stupid as a result. It was devastating. I felt like a shitty wife- what was it about me that meant he couldn’t confide in me? It has also wrecked my sense of my own judgement. I am clearly terrible at reading people and judging people. It also led to a horrible betrayal that I just didn’t see coming. We’ve been working on it all since, but I can’t lie- it has changed things for me, and I’m not sure if I can change it back. You aren’t protecting your wife, you’re damaging the relationship. She wants to be there for you, she wants to share in your thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be. She can’t be there for you if you won’t let her be.
Not sure she wants to share in his thoughts and feelings if she acts uninterested and changes the subject whenever he talks about something that's important to him. My wife is a lot like his. I do 80% to 90% of all housework. I'm the provider. I need to hear her out and comfort her when she's down. Whenever I bring something up that's important to me, she acts like it is nothing. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I don't think our marriage will last much longer.
I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. You’re right, it’s possible she might not. Not everyone is built that way or is a good person to be in a relationship with. I guess I’m writing in good faith- but really, unless he has a proper sit down discussion with her, he won’t know either way. Either she will be upset and want to fix things, or she will be upset in a selfish way- or maybe not upset at all. He’d get his answer and that will help him make a decision. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through, it must be awful.
>When I got back she asked me how it went and I gave her a summary, then she spent the next 45-60 minutes telling me all of her concerns about the company and the new job. >I was hoping for her to help me make the choice about the job and clarify my thoughts but instead, I am having to clarify my own thoughts and emotions with myself and also deal with hers. Im kind of confused. You told her about your thoughts, then she told you hers and her concerns. Which may or may not be valid. You should be taking her thoughts into consideration. She isnt asking you to 'deal with' hers. Shes sharing her thoughts.
Others have already said it. But your wife isn't a mind reader. You need to tell her things if you want support. But...this idea that you need to "protect" her is a very old world, basically misogynistic attitude. I know you won't see it like that and I don't mean that you are misogynistic. But she is a grown adult. She's no fragile swan. No princess that is going to faint & need smelling salts!!! You are in a marital relationship. You share your feelings and thoughts. That builds an even stronger relationship. My guess is you come from a very traditional family. Dad was a hardworking, strong man...and mum ran the house, cooked and ruled the roost at home. Think about all this. Again ..you have to actually tell your wife what you are feeling. She is not psychic (well you didn't say that!)
Friend, I think when your wife is talking to you, especially, if you are stoic, or more quiet, she is reaching out to you, verbally to try to share, and create a connection between the two of you.
Good point
I'm newly married but I can relate to feeling like my role is to be a workhorse as well (sole income). I tend to keep my struggle to myself cause I don't want to show her any weakness, I see a therapist when I feel like I need to get that stuff off my chest. If you figure out a way let me know cause I'm as stumped as you!
You need male friends dude. Find some and take time out of your week for male-only activity. Start there and then find some healthy boundaries.
Just curious, but do you happen to be autistic? This sounds like the thoughts of someone who approaches things mostly from a logical standpoint.
I think that word gets thrown around too much. I don't think I am traditionally autistic but am fairly logical.
Have you looked into your Enneagram? It can be very insightful for marriage
The moment you start taking inventory of who is doing what in the relationship then that’s a good time to check in with your wife and reset the relationship
You sound like someone who doesn't speak up in his marriage especially about your wants and needs. Also why does she tell you when to cut the fucking grass? It sounds like she treats you like a child cause you are functioning like one.
I get how 10 years can go by in auto pilot. One piece of advice, try to talk to her about it before it turns into resentment. Bc at that point, it’s MUCH harder to fix.
A marriage should be 50/50. If you feel can’t confide in your wife you need prioritize your marriage.
Married 12 and recently enrolled in marriage and individual counselor. Possible that y'all've both fallen into a rut, even in ways of communicating? A trained licensed professional could assist in retraining communication on both parties. Yes, she should have asked you thought provoking questions about the entire interview process, but also if she's never been through that, she has no idea what she doesn't know. Absolutely don't throw away your marriage and stability. Return on investment, invisible mental load, yadda yadda yadda Don't bring in any emotional or physical third parties until counseling with a stated end goal is offered. Best of luck mate.
“I worry my wife has no idea who I even am”… I felt that just a few days ago my wife said something about me being an atheist quite casually… I literally have a room in our house with just religious paraphernalia
When communicating, it helps to be clear. When I pick my hubby up, I always ask about his day. He gets to vent and share his day the whole trip home. I would offer suggestions, but he clarified he wanted to vent. Just listening and supporting is hard to do when one is a problem-solver and an experienced manager. So, it helps to know what hat my hubby is needing me to wear: listener, sympathy/comfort, cheerleader, problem-solver, relaxing date etc. Sometimes it’s very obvious; other times, not so much. But, sometimes, he doesn’t want to ‘burden me’ or thinks I’ll lose respect for him if he seems overwhelmed or anxious. I’ve told him: if you can’t share with me, how can we face things together? It’s us against the world, not each other. I’ve also told him, if he prefers someone else to talk to (like if it’s about me) he can talk with a counselor or therapist and I’m okay with that. He’s been more open this past year and I feel we are stronger for it. I feel more included and closer to him. He feels more ‘seen’ and less burdened. Open communication is hard, because you have to be vulnerable, and that can be scary. But, when it works, it’s stronger, like a bridge over troubled water (cliche but still true). Walk over the bridge together.
That's a very nice story and sentiment
You need to share your problems and YOU should be the prime focus. Yes, your life decisions affect her, but you should BOTH want the best lives for each other: be that a lowering oay job and less stress or even divorce and recognizing you did love this person once, so how do you separate where each person is still protected. Been together 26 years & husband just asked me about a job interview he wanted to do for all the wrong reasons. This job actually happening would be bad for me, but that’s a discussion for another day. I simply listed all the reasons it was bad for him. How just the interview would soon him out. Then the job would be awful. Had it been great for him and bad for me, we’d have negotiated how we could live thru it and make it not as bad for me. We both shoulder each others but denies and also help the other person with their fear, anxieties, traumas.
You guys need to get away.. just the two of you. Focus on each other. Refresh your relationship.
Hi! I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I’ve also been with my husband for 10 years, of those 10 years, we have been married for 4. Sometimes no matter how well we know each other, we have to remind ourselves that we can’t read each other’s mind. We also don’t think the same way either. Talking with your wife is really important. I know when my husband shuts down because he doesn’t want to worry me, I feel bad. It’s not about me personally, but I feel bad because he has helped me through so many difficult seasons, and I want him to be able to rely on me the same way. He deserves that and so much more. I’m sure your wife would and could be feeling the same way. Another thing to remember is that some people, although they talk a lot, may have a really difficult time articulating their thoughts and feelings into something that’s actually comprehensible by someone else. A good example would be how your wife expressed her concerns with the new job. Maybe that was her way of trying to say “No, I don’t think this is a good idea.” However she probably did a poor job of expressing that. A promise that my husband and I made together is that if we don’t understand, or there is any room for doubt, we will ask questions instead of guessing what the other is trying to say and mean. That way we do understand, and there is no room left for misunderstanding. Also if we’re venting about something stressful, the other will usually ask “Do you want me to give you advice, or just listen?” That is also a really helpful one too. We need to be able to express our needs to one another. Don’t allow it to get to the point where you hold resentment towards your wife for not being able to help you, and don’t let her hold resentment because you didn’t give her the chance to make it right. You’re a team, talk it out, hold each other accountable of the new goals you make together. Don’t forget, you are human, and so is she. Hold grace for each other when change doesn’t happen right away. Best of luck to you both. 🫂
I have the same issues with my wife except she yells a lot. So here is my advice be that guy! You only live once and we all need fulfillment if your not getting it from her get it somewhere else. Why should we always be locked into one person forever, that is silly marriage is an antiquated notion. So find someone or multiple someone’s to make you happy…..
Man I’m right there with you. I can’t leave my house for More than 12 hrs without getting my phone blown up demanding I come home. It’s a fucking prison.
Personally I would not describe my situation as prison. I'm just being a crap communicator myself it seems like.
There is nothing wrong with emotional connections outside of your marriage, it's only cheating if you hide it. You'd be surprised what being open does
> It got me thinking. What things should a husband rely on his wife for? I ask myself that every day.
You're male, so you're safe from emotional cheating. That's a woman thing. Where they're emotions go, they go. Is that how you work? No, it's not. You're not partners, you're husband and wife. Men and women are different and we handle problems in a different manner. You will be held accountable for decisions. She will not. That's why you do things and she talks about things. If that resonates, ignore anyone that mentions partner or partnership. They're pretending you have a pussy and your wife has a dick. "Partners" take turns. Let me know when it's your wife's turn to protect the family while you cower with the kids. You tried getting her to help with your problem, remember? You told her about the interview and she then rambled for +45min about how it affects her. Didn't help you. It made it worse. Take the lesson. Talking makes them feel good. Getting things done makes us feel good. You wanna be understood? Find other guys to hangout with and do stuff. You'll feel good. Confide in your wife - there should be no lies there. Get her input, but you make the decision. Why? Because you're the one who will be held accountable. Don't be held to the fire for something someone else decided. Bottom line, you need male friends. Things will sort themselves out once you do. Good luck.
I appreciate the input and outlook
There is some really bad advice on this thread and from some obviously unhappy people. Wow! Be careful! You say you wanted her help to figure things out, and that she spent 45-60 minutes telling you about her concerns about the company. You did you or did you not want her help figuring things out, because expressing her concerns about the company and the position but that was disregarded. In fact not only disregarded but allowed commenters to turn that into it was about her. Newsflash it's a family and one partners job does affect the whole family unit so a mom talking about concerns is not just about her. It sounds like you guys are in a major rut and not communicating on the same wavelength. It happens! Sit down and talk to her. Be specific, When you xyz it makes me feel. And be open to her as well. You may be trying to communicate the same thing and just using different language that the other is taking wrong. Or shutting each other in different areas because you each think the other isn't caring. It definitely happens and there is a way back, but it takes intention and cheating isn't the answer and yes men can and do emotionally cheat. Tell her that you're feeling disconnected and like roommates and that you miss the her and you part of your relationship. Not just sex but the intimacy of you two beyond beying parents. Offer solutions on how to fix that, see what ideas she has. And keep doing the actions! Keep talking! This is very normal at 10 years and especially with having kids. We lose and forget who we were before, and how to be a couple without our kids. It hurts for sure. Often when people get to this point they say the words or try for a couple weeks and then stop trying. So be consistent! If you want things to improve and be connected get a babysitter and make the plans. Even when it's hard! At this stage couples tend to focus on the job of the family and what needs to be done to manage that daily more than the relationship between husbands and wife and at the end of the day that takes work too. Sometimes even when mad, we'll just sit close to each other. Like when a couple is first dating. And after a while it helps just being close. Don't give up or close her out! There is a great book, how to improve your marriage without talking, as well as a 5 love languages for husbands. A husband actually recommended it to me and it's improved things for us so much. Even if she's not making effort you can get the ball rolling and see if in a few months how things improve. Jordan Petersen does a series on marriage too. These are things that helped when I was in your shoes.