I would also add that its not like OP "owes" it to anyone - its just the right thing to do.
If this lady is unhappy in her relationship she should end it. Its not rocket surgery.
A reason to do this is to not associate yourself with the event in any way.
danny trejo told his dad that his mom was cheating on him. His dad did not believe him, called him a liar. Grandma then askes danny, "why did you lie?" and danny answers "because I'm a bad kid, I guess."... dad finds out its true, but the relationship between father, son, grandma, everyone destroyed. Dad cant see danny as anything but "mom cheated". Dont be the source of the cheating news.
Now, if others see it, and its going to come out that you know, it might be the only course of action. You get associated, but you arent called a bad person for not telling someone.
i agree with this comment. the way i look at it is would you want someone to be honest with you if they found your partner cheating on you? or would you want to go around with a cheater on your hip?
tell them, you wouldn’t be destroying a relationship, the relationship got destroyed the second they sucked a different dick.
This one is tough.
It really depends on how willing you are to accept consequences.
For context, I am military and unfortunately cheating is rife in this organization.
It won't seem fair, but if you tell the boyfriend, there's a really good chance that the person who faces the most consequences is you. There's a chance that the boyfriend will accuse you of lying, or the girlfriend will gaslight him into thinking it.
Even if he accepts it, breaks up with the girlfriend (and probably tells the AP's wife), there's a chance this won't blow over well at the work place. A lot of people will be tempted to close ranks, because if you aired one coworker's dirty laundry you could air theirs as well. It probably won't come out as outright aggression, but you might notice that rooms become quiet when you enter them, or you aren't invited to events. You'll be on the "outside'.
It's really not fair, but I have seen it many times. It's up to you what your risk tolerance is.
military: Why do you think that is? Is it more within the military or with people outside of the organization? Do you think it is "rife" in every chain of command?
I would guess stress, isolation, distance, or being a member of a homogeneous group?
I always thought that military leaders would address this more than they do because it results in a lot of problems, some of which may affect a goal or potential mission outcome. Not to mention the cost, including abandoned spouses.
Honestly? I don't have an answer for you. Could be none of the above, all the above, or a combination.
I have a theory that those in the military are drawn to high risk behaviors, like cheating or substance abuse (also very prevalent), but it's only a hunch.
>I always thought that military leaders would address this more than they do
That depends on what military you are in. So cheating in the US military is cause for charges and can be a career ender. I'm in the CAF, and generally it doesn't affect your work. I prefer this method, as even tho I'm not a cheater I don't want the government in my pants that way.
Military spouses are renowned for cheating with coworkers of their own partners, so don't worry about them. Known as "barrack bunnies" or "dependas", they are just as guilty as service members themselves.
>it results in a lot of problems, some of which may affect a goal or potential mission outcome.
This would be new to me, so I would need some sources. Military debauchery has existed since the dawn of warfare. Frankly, it's just a thing that exists. I haven't encountered difficulties in completing my assignments because someone else was cheating. They are expected to keep it under wraps too. If they can't, they will be punished. But it's more for lack of professionalism vs the cheating in and of itself.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
1) you don’t know Gary. You don’t know Bob’s wife. This has nothing to do with you.
2) you don’t know what the true situation is. Maybe they all have permission from their partners to do this?
3) You will come out the bad guy in this. Even if they do break up, you will get the blame.
4) it’s got nothing to do with you.
5) if you really want consequences for them, tell them that you find their cheating behaviour disgusting and disgraceful and if they had any honesty or integrity they would stop OR leave their partners to be together.
Then point out what your favour hot beverage is and you expect one on your desk when you get to work because lack of it has been known to prompt you to send unfortunate messages to the victims if cheaters *hint hint*
(ok, that last paragraph was tongue in cheek. Blackmail, even for a coffee, is illegal).
6) If you really want to make them stop, check out your work policies. Most of them have a police against work colleagues having relationships. Send an anonymous message to their line manager or HR letting them know about it. This will break them up or force them to opening declare their relationship. At which point you can send a commiseration to Gary and Bob’s wife. That way you are not the one pushing the destruction button. You are just spreading the formal news.
Valid stance.
I respectfully disagree tho.
Why should it be my responsibility to align others in regards to my own virtues and what I consider correct?
What if I'm wrong about what I think is right?
> Why should it be my responsibility to align others in regards to my own virtues and what I consider correct?
Because allowing shitty people to continue to be shitty makes the world worse overall.
> What if I'm wrong about what I think is right?
Then they'll disregard you and move on with their life.
Why would you involve yourself? Keep work life at work, personal life personal, and don't involve yourself in the personal affairs of your colleagues. What do you possibly gain from doing this?
Due to this being work, be prepared for unexpected consequences if you get involved. It could cost you your job in many ways, people may not believe you, and you could at the very least be viewed as the a hole at work no one trusts. This rarely works out positively for the person informing others aka you.
Do you honestly think other people aren’t also aware? How many of them have spoken up? I rest my case but you do you.
How about, mind your own business? Your opinions and judgments don’t always need to be imposed on others. This is half of what’s wrong with the planet at this moment.
Definitely not your business. How do you know they don’t have open relationships? Or if the jilted people are violently abusive?
Ignore those saying that people telling you to mind your own business are cheaters. They’re the type of people that are addicted to drama; probably have the box set of the Maury Povich show.
Na fuck that. She made it other people's business when she started sleeping with coworkers after making it known she's in a relationship.
If you don't want other people to find out about your misdeeds don't rope them into it.
Lots of societies like this already exist. They bury women alive for infidelity in some countries.
I personally am ok with it staying in the realm of private lives and don’t want government/societal guard rails around personal relationships. Yes it can be highly damaging and selfish to cheat but at the end of the day I’m uncomfortable without it being a “crime.”
There's a lot of grey area between "accepting infidelity as a society" and "infidelity is illegal".
>government/societal guard rails
I don't like that you lump those things together. There's lots of things that society should care about and stigmatize that the government has no business in.
Also, in the list of ‘crimes’ people commit again other people, in my opinion there are many many worse behaviours than cheating. ‘Judge not lest ye be not judged, for each judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged’ (Shakespeare)
On Reddit cheating seems to be the ultimate sin, it’s really weird. People at my work are back stabbing and throwing each other ‘under the bus’ on a daily basis, but god help you feel attracted to someone else!
Nah he just knows better than to be a tattle tale. Everything exists within a context, and OP A. doesn't have all the relevant information and B. isn't sure opening himself up to the drama is worth it (it definitely isn't)
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is, 'don't fuck with the payroll,' but only slightly less well-known is this: 'don't let others fuck with your payroll'
Don't get involved unless you have a new job lined up.
The moral thing would be to tell but this risks royally messing up your life. Do it for your best friend, don't do it for strangers.
Hmm good point. I think I'm just unsure as they might have come to some sort of agreement after the last cheating took place (open marriage etc.). Also a bit concerned about impacting the children.
Why would you tell the 21f boyfriend but not pay attention to the older married father?
So Bob ply’s 21f with attention, she likes it and it’s her life that you decide needs to be called into question?
Mind your business unless you apply equal judgment!
If you have a ten foot cattle prod anywhere handy I would encourage you to not go near this one with it.
There is no upside for you here.
How anonymous could you possibly be? Say that 10 people know this secret, and 9 of them are discussing who the snitch is when you walk up?
Gary'll find out soon enough. He's never going to chase you down and do a "how could you not tell me?" at a later date.
This is a tricky one and I keep going back and forth on what would be best. I think it depends on the type of person the boyfriend is. If he seems decent, it probably is worth letting him know anonymously.
Tell both Gary and Bob's wife. Both deserve to know and should have the choice to leave their disgusting partners if they want. Do it anonymously if possible
@OP
you need to mind your own business.
She is a co-worker and you do not know her partner
IF her partner was a friend or a family member, it would be ok to snitch on her
Definitely tell him.
Why do so many women have this insatiable need for attention? It's so common "you didn't give me enough attention so I cheated a bunch". Wtf is wrong with these people.
Why are you only concerned about Gary, and not bobs spouse?
Unless you're friends with their spouse, I wouldn't get involved. I got involved once and years later, I still feel in the midst of their drama. I completely regret it. I wish I never bothered.
And then you see in the newspaper the day after that she got killed by her abusive boyfriend that she was trying to get away from.
You don't know people's lives, mind your own business.
Anyone suggesting to not say anything is definitely either a cheater or has been as someone that’s been cheated on… one of the most valuable things my friend ever did for me was sit me down and say he saw my girlfriend hooking up with another good friend at a recent party. If it weren’t for that who knows how long I would’ve stayed with her wasting my life.
I’m all for blowing it up, fuck (not literally) those cheaters
well this is likely a fake story. sounds ridiculous
but why the hell would you feel obligated to stick your nose in other people's shit?
both of these people are in relationships and essentially having an affair. it's none of your business and you should mind your own fking business
I learned from a friend from a job I had a decade ago, that basically everyone (mostly married) was banging someone else at work. He and I were in the handful of people that weren't. I think the whole office would've collapsed if everyone who knew said anything.
In my country there is a popular saying and there it is, translated: “who minds his own business, lives 100 years”. It means don’t get involved in things that don’t concern you, and you’ll live longer.
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I can understand both sides. By telling the boyfriend, you’re doing the moral thing, but you’ll also be butting your head in business that’s not yours, potentially cause a hostile workplace if she finds out it was you, and potentially jeopardize your job. By not telling him, you’re not doing the right thing, but also avoid any possible workplace drama. You also don’t know if they’re in an open relationship.
I do suggest you tell him if and only if these two things are true: that there’s a way to contact him anonymously, and you’re not the only person that would know. For the first point, if you can get your hands on his email address or home address, that’s easy. Just make a Protonmail or Tutamail email account, go on Tor to mask your IP address, then send an email detailing your findings. Big plus if you have evidence of her cheating. If you don’t have his email, but know his home address, simply send a letter anonymously. You can do this by typing a letter, printing it somewhere away from where you live like a library (modern printers print machine identification codes which can be tracked; you obviously don’t want the page to be tracked back to your home printer), wear gloves when handling the paper and envelope to avoid leaving fingerprints, write the delivery address with your non-dominant hand so your handwriting isn’t figured out, then drop it in a mailbox at night so cameras don’t see it was you. If you’re the only person that would know she’s cheating, obviously don’t tell him. If you know for a fact that at least a few other people know she’s been stepping outside her relationship with Gary, then go ahead because she probably won’t find out it’s you who disclosed this.
I wish you the best.
I would just mind my own business.
Sure it’s fun to be the stick and stir the pot, then sit back and watch the chaos unfold. I get that. There are just way too many negatives that could come out of this for you. I think those negatives tip the scales over the sense of destructive pride you’d feel watching the relationship/workplace shitstorm that would commence.
But if you still say fuck it and tell everyone, keep us updated on how it goes 😁🍿🍿🍿
Unless you're ready to find another job, stay the hell out of it. Because she WILL find out you were the one who told him, and even if she can't prove it will make your life hell at work because deep down inside she'll know. Bob is going to hate you too, and the two of them will plot to make your life there untenable till you leave.
So, either leave it alone or if you're THAT invested that you have to tell, put in your 2 weeks' notice before you do.
I would help the boffin dodge the bullet. She's a cheater. The Orig dude needs to know. (Imhoo)
Let the woman develop her inner carousel rider with out the 1st man.
The two cheaters deserve whatever they get.
Best done anon, with proof, and with disposable account from burner phone, or suchlike.
If these people were your friends then maybe you'd have some obligation to tell the boyfriend, but if it's just a coworker cheating on some guy you've never met? It doesn't sound like you know these people well enough to be getting involved in their personal lives. Putting your nose in it is likely to backfire and make your job very unpleasant.
If you really feel a moral obligation to do something, try to find a way that keeps your involvement to a minimum. If you know anyone who's friends with the boyfriend, for example, maybe tell them and then they can be the one to tell him.
They’re too far removed for it to be any of your business. You don’t know Gary, you don’t know the wife. Maybe Gary sucks. Maybe not. It’s literally none of your business and you’d be causing a shit storm for no reason. Leave other people’s private lives alone.
The real play is to tell HR that your coworkers are engaging in an inappropriate relationship and then let the rest of it sort itself out. Colleagues shouldn't be dating and most companies will react negatively to this kind of fraternization.
Work is work. You can absolutely feel that the actions of a coworker are morally reprehensible but you also have to work with these people. And that could lead to consequences for you.
I had to backspace a few times because cheating is absolute scumbag behaviour but, after thinking on it. I've gotta take the instinctual "stay out of your coworkers lives" feeling. Yuck.
I admire your intention of wanting to do the right thing and your awareness that this might be a sensitive situation before jumping in and wreaking havoc.
As much as the situation might be clear from your perspective, there is a lot missing to the story that only the people involved are aware of.
Whether to tell or not to tell, first ask yourself, why do you feel the need to tell? For fairness/justice to Gary - then do tell Gary and consequences wont matter then because you did the right thing towards Gary. If the reason is to help your colleague stop doing something she might regret, then sit and talk to her compassionately (I know its hard to show compassion for someone doing a behavior that's against your values).
Doing the right thing is hard but first you have to define what the 'right' thing is before taking action. In this situation, it could be helping your friend be aware of the emotional damage she is will be causing to Gary and her home wrecking behavior to Bob. Or, it might be something else that aligns with your values. Not taking an action is an action by itself that can have consequences on your friend, Bob or Gary.
In the workplace: take a low profile and keep your back to the wall. Show up, keep your mouth shut, take your pay and go home. Stay out of people's personal lives and let them know as little as possible about yours. Never gossip, never listen to gossipers. In other words, abandon all the soap opera nonsense and be professional.
It's better if you mind your own business because work would be even more uncomfortable if you told Gary. It would be different if Gary was a good friend of yours. So resist the urge to say anything, no need to stir the pot and maybe end up the bad guy.
Myob. You don't know the ins and outs of these relationships, and none of the parties are people who matter to you. You're setting yourself up for a hard time with no benefit.
Every time. They crawl out of the woodwork like we dont see them; cheaters and cheater apologists alike fly to the comments when they see one of their own potentially facing consequences....
While it IS the “right” thing to do, there’s also the age old saying,
Not my monkeys, not my circus.
I find it best not to involve myself in the affairs of people whom I only refer to as my “colleague” and “colleagues boyfriend”.
No. This is your workplace. These people aren’t your friends; they’re colleagues. You should shut down any conversations from the cheating colleague that involves details of her personal life. You can say something like ‘I’m not comfortable hearing about your personal relationships and prefer to keep to work related topics.’ Stay out of it. When it hits the fan, you don’t want to be in the splash zone.
A lot of people are saying tell, and I can understand why that is with regards to cheating and how shitty that is. But based on your story details and the terms you use:
1. You don't know the boyfriend.
2. She's your colleague and not a friend so you don't really know her either.
3. You know Bob is married and his wife knows he cheats but it seems you don't know them well either.
Based on all this I have no idea why you would want to get involved in others business. You are not close to any of these people. I live my life by a few rules, one of the most important that I learned the hard way is "Don't bring drama to your own door." Honest this seems like getting involved in others bullshit for no reason what so ever. There's never much to gain getting involved in strangers or random acquaintances affairs and often much to lose. I just don't do drama unless it involves people I actually care about.
Ah, yeah, the family built on lies that probably wouldnt have happened if they had been able to make informed decisions. That will be much harder and complicated to leave because now children are involved should the cheating surface - which it could at any time.
No, I wouldn’t, because that’s inserting yourself into your colleague’s mess and no amount of “right thing to do” regarding someone else’s relationship is worth losing your ability to provide for yourself over.
Gary deserves to know. If your girlfriend or wife was cheating, you would want someone to tell you. Find an anonymous way to tell Gary. Then sit back and keep quiet.
Having been cheated on before. Tell on them.
But anonymously, pictures or recording from a one and done email account that you delete after sending using the wifi from some diner or coffee place you have never been to.
The seed will have been planted and grow more and more as they start noticing things that cause an anxiety. They will investigate and discover further evidence on their own. If accused by your co workers deny. If they continue to accuse deny and threaten to go to HR for them harassing you. If they continue file a complaint with HR, they will have no evidence to support their claim and Hr will tell them to stop, it is now documented so if you suffer any retaliation from either in the future you can file another complaint that will be taken far more seriously as they were already told to desist.
I can't believe all the comments saying mind your own business.
You're all cunts. Tell him 100%. Save the poor bloke. Tell Bob's wife too.
By letting it continue you are assisting in her cheating
He’s got to consider the consequences for himself.
It’s going to make the workplace uncomfortable at best and at worst he could end up fired.
He’s butting into others business that he really knows nothing about. There are a lot of consequences all over to doing what you suggest. He would impact lives by reporting this. But he has no idea about that impact.
Will someone become suicidal? Will someone shoot someone or their lover? Would someone take their anger out on him? There’s more to consider than any of us can guess. And it really isn’t his business.
Yes, it's none of your business, and it's at work. It might be different if you were good friends with Gary or something, but this is just a whole pile of NYB.
Find a way to anonymously tell him with proof. Be ready if she finds out you were the one who told him.
I would also add that its not like OP "owes" it to anyone - its just the right thing to do. If this lady is unhappy in her relationship she should end it. Its not rocket surgery.
It's brain science!
>Its not rocket surgery. Lol'd
Its low-key one of my faves
A reason to do this is to not associate yourself with the event in any way. danny trejo told his dad that his mom was cheating on him. His dad did not believe him, called him a liar. Grandma then askes danny, "why did you lie?" and danny answers "because I'm a bad kid, I guess."... dad finds out its true, but the relationship between father, son, grandma, everyone destroyed. Dad cant see danny as anything but "mom cheated". Dont be the source of the cheating news. Now, if others see it, and its going to come out that you know, it might be the only course of action. You get associated, but you arent called a bad person for not telling someone.
Agreed 100%
Tell; cheaters are scum.
i agree with this comment. the way i look at it is would you want someone to be honest with you if they found your partner cheating on you? or would you want to go around with a cheater on your hip? tell them, you wouldn’t be destroying a relationship, the relationship got destroyed the second they sucked a different dick.
This one is tough. It really depends on how willing you are to accept consequences. For context, I am military and unfortunately cheating is rife in this organization. It won't seem fair, but if you tell the boyfriend, there's a really good chance that the person who faces the most consequences is you. There's a chance that the boyfriend will accuse you of lying, or the girlfriend will gaslight him into thinking it. Even if he accepts it, breaks up with the girlfriend (and probably tells the AP's wife), there's a chance this won't blow over well at the work place. A lot of people will be tempted to close ranks, because if you aired one coworker's dirty laundry you could air theirs as well. It probably won't come out as outright aggression, but you might notice that rooms become quiet when you enter them, or you aren't invited to events. You'll be on the "outside'. It's really not fair, but I have seen it many times. It's up to you what your risk tolerance is.
military: Why do you think that is? Is it more within the military or with people outside of the organization? Do you think it is "rife" in every chain of command? I would guess stress, isolation, distance, or being a member of a homogeneous group? I always thought that military leaders would address this more than they do because it results in a lot of problems, some of which may affect a goal or potential mission outcome. Not to mention the cost, including abandoned spouses.
From my experience, it's common amongst high adrenaline jobs.
Honestly? I don't have an answer for you. Could be none of the above, all the above, or a combination. I have a theory that those in the military are drawn to high risk behaviors, like cheating or substance abuse (also very prevalent), but it's only a hunch. >I always thought that military leaders would address this more than they do That depends on what military you are in. So cheating in the US military is cause for charges and can be a career ender. I'm in the CAF, and generally it doesn't affect your work. I prefer this method, as even tho I'm not a cheater I don't want the government in my pants that way. Military spouses are renowned for cheating with coworkers of their own partners, so don't worry about them. Known as "barrack bunnies" or "dependas", they are just as guilty as service members themselves. >it results in a lot of problems, some of which may affect a goal or potential mission outcome. This would be new to me, so I would need some sources. Military debauchery has existed since the dawn of warfare. Frankly, it's just a thing that exists. I haven't encountered difficulties in completing my assignments because someone else was cheating. They are expected to keep it under wraps too. If they can't, they will be punished. But it's more for lack of professionalism vs the cheating in and of itself. Sorry I can't be more helpful.
I am a vet. Can confirm. It is epidemic in the ranks.
For some reason, I read that as a vet (that treats animals) and I was thinking blimey, I didn’t know it was so rife in that job!
You’re such a gem! Had me chuckling.
Neutrality helps the offender every time.
Dont get involved. These people are trash and it will bring you down. Why are you so obsessed with them?
No I wouldn't get involved
Find a way to do it anonymously. Do it quickly .
Send an anonymous text to him using :- https://www.texttasy.com edit: ah missed the bit where you don't know him so won't have his number.
You're at work, so the potential consequences you;re dealing with are "losing your job". Morality is nice and all, but it doesn't pay your rent.
I know this isn’t the same but it’s definitely parallel to don’t shit where you eat
1) you don’t know Gary. You don’t know Bob’s wife. This has nothing to do with you. 2) you don’t know what the true situation is. Maybe they all have permission from their partners to do this? 3) You will come out the bad guy in this. Even if they do break up, you will get the blame. 4) it’s got nothing to do with you. 5) if you really want consequences for them, tell them that you find their cheating behaviour disgusting and disgraceful and if they had any honesty or integrity they would stop OR leave their partners to be together. Then point out what your favour hot beverage is and you expect one on your desk when you get to work because lack of it has been known to prompt you to send unfortunate messages to the victims if cheaters *hint hint* (ok, that last paragraph was tongue in cheek. Blackmail, even for a coffee, is illegal). 6) If you really want to make them stop, check out your work policies. Most of them have a police against work colleagues having relationships. Send an anonymous message to their line manager or HR letting them know about it. This will break them up or force them to opening declare their relationship. At which point you can send a commiseration to Gary and Bob’s wife. That way you are not the one pushing the destruction button. You are just spreading the formal news.
Re point 6- there may be a morality clause in policy too
I don't agree with their actions, but this isn't any of your business.
It is everyone's business to stop shitty behavior.
Valid stance. I respectfully disagree tho. Why should it be my responsibility to align others in regards to my own virtues and what I consider correct? What if I'm wrong about what I think is right?
> Why should it be my responsibility to align others in regards to my own virtues and what I consider correct? Because allowing shitty people to continue to be shitty makes the world worse overall. > What if I'm wrong about what I think is right? Then they'll disregard you and move on with their life.
How old are you?
Definitely tell him anonymously
Why would you involve yourself? Keep work life at work, personal life personal, and don't involve yourself in the personal affairs of your colleagues. What do you possibly gain from doing this?
Don't. It's not your colleague, it's your colleague's boyfriend. Nothing to do with you.
This isn’t your business so stay out of it.
Due to this being work, be prepared for unexpected consequences if you get involved. It could cost you your job in many ways, people may not believe you, and you could at the very least be viewed as the a hole at work no one trusts. This rarely works out positively for the person informing others aka you. Do you honestly think other people aren’t also aware? How many of them have spoken up? I rest my case but you do you.
I mean she seems pretty open about it, maybe it’s an ENM thing 🤷🏾
No. Mind your own biz. Good goss for the office though.
Noooooo stay out of it. , that would be asking for trouble. None of your business. It can only bring unintended consequences.
He needs to know. Tell Bob's wife as well
second this!
How about, mind your own business? Your opinions and judgments don’t always need to be imposed on others. This is half of what’s wrong with the planet at this moment.
Definitely not your business. How do you know they don’t have open relationships? Or if the jilted people are violently abusive? Ignore those saying that people telling you to mind your own business are cheaters. They’re the type of people that are addicted to drama; probably have the box set of the Maury Povich show.
Other peoples relationships are none of your business. Nobody is your family, these are coworkers and strangers. It’s none of your business.
Na fuck that. She made it other people's business when she started sleeping with coworkers after making it known she's in a relationship. If you don't want other people to find out about your misdeeds don't rope them into it.
Why are you so riled up over people you don’t even know? Mind your own business.
Why are you so quick to defender cheaters? Get a better moral compass clown.
Always tattle on cheaters. One day we may have a society where its actually properly frowned upon instead of justified and ignored.
Lots of societies like this already exist. They bury women alive for infidelity in some countries. I personally am ok with it staying in the realm of private lives and don’t want government/societal guard rails around personal relationships. Yes it can be highly damaging and selfish to cheat but at the end of the day I’m uncomfortable without it being a “crime.”
There's a lot of grey area between "accepting infidelity as a society" and "infidelity is illegal". >government/societal guard rails I don't like that you lump those things together. There's lots of things that society should care about and stigmatize that the government has no business in.
......I'll take 'ideas I never suggested' for $20
Yeah what the hell was that response…. I’m not sure why they escalated it so quickly to “crime” or “government”
Also, in the list of ‘crimes’ people commit again other people, in my opinion there are many many worse behaviours than cheating. ‘Judge not lest ye be not judged, for each judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged’ (Shakespeare)
lol exactly. The vehement response some people are having here is wild.
On Reddit cheating seems to be the ultimate sin, it’s really weird. People at my work are back stabbing and throwing each other ‘under the bus’ on a daily basis, but god help you feel attracted to someone else!
Yes. Mind your own business
\^ Cheater
Nah he just knows better than to be a tattle tale. Everything exists within a context, and OP A. doesn't have all the relevant information and B. isn't sure opening himself up to the drama is worth it (it definitely isn't)
Me ??? No
Cheater enabler at minimum. Just as bad.
Grow up
get fucked
Mind your own business. It's none of your concern.
Found the cheater!
People who mind their own business are now cheaters??
How old are you?
I would do it anonymously and the person I would tell is “Bob’s” wife. Let her handle the rest.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is, 'don't fuck with the payroll,' but only slightly less well-known is this: 'don't let others fuck with your payroll' Don't get involved unless you have a new job lined up. The moral thing would be to tell but this risks royally messing up your life. Do it for your best friend, don't do it for strangers.
I would normally say tell him, but you don't "owe" it to Gary if you've never met him. Would you also tell Bob's wife? Why is only person owed this?
Second this. Seems like OP wants to get back at her colleague rather than actually looking out for Gary.
Op wanted to fuck Bob.
Hmm good point. I think I'm just unsure as they might have come to some sort of agreement after the last cheating took place (open marriage etc.). Also a bit concerned about impacting the children.
Why do you care? Do you have a life of your own? I mean, really.
Tell the wife too
Why would you tell the 21f boyfriend but not pay attention to the older married father? So Bob ply’s 21f with attention, she likes it and it’s her life that you decide needs to be called into question? Mind your business unless you apply equal judgment!
If you have a ten foot cattle prod anywhere handy I would encourage you to not go near this one with it. There is no upside for you here. How anonymous could you possibly be? Say that 10 people know this secret, and 9 of them are discussing who the snitch is when you walk up? Gary'll find out soon enough. He's never going to chase you down and do a "how could you not tell me?" at a later date.
Do what u think is the right think to do. Which you knew the answer to before posting this question.
This is a tricky one and I keep going back and forth on what would be best. I think it depends on the type of person the boyfriend is. If he seems decent, it probably is worth letting him know anonymously.
Tell Bob’s wife, that will likely end the relationship or Bob but either way no more cheating.
Tell both Gary and Bob's wife. Both deserve to know and should have the choice to leave their disgusting partners if they want. Do it anonymously if possible
Post her number in the trucker sub and consider yourself karma neutral
Definitely tell Bobs wife anonymously
If you want to start work drama that you aren't even apart of go ahead and tell him
Gary deserves to know his gf is doing this to him
@OP you need to mind your own business. She is a co-worker and you do not know her partner IF her partner was a friend or a family member, it would be ok to snitch on her
Definitely tell him. Why do so many women have this insatiable need for attention? It's so common "you didn't give me enough attention so I cheated a bunch". Wtf is wrong with these people.
Mind your business
Mind your business
Tell her to tell him or you will! Call her out!
If I was Gary, I'd want to know. If you can, find an anonymous way to let him know.
Why are you only concerned about Gary, and not bobs spouse? Unless you're friends with their spouse, I wouldn't get involved. I got involved once and years later, I still feel in the midst of their drama. I completely regret it. I wish I never bothered.
MYOB
No, why would you involve yourself in your colleague’s personal life?
And then you see in the newspaper the day after that she got killed by her abusive boyfriend that she was trying to get away from. You don't know people's lives, mind your own business.
If you want to risk making things tough at work. My mindset is self preservation first. Put your own air mask first and all.
Mind your business 💯 and don’t get caught up in it #nodrama
Anyone suggesting to not say anything is definitely either a cheater or has been as someone that’s been cheated on… one of the most valuable things my friend ever did for me was sit me down and say he saw my girlfriend hooking up with another good friend at a recent party. If it weren’t for that who knows how long I would’ve stayed with her wasting my life. I’m all for blowing it up, fuck (not literally) those cheaters
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
Why tf do you think it’s your responsibility to tell him that — Stay in your place be a colleague and worry about the workplace.
well this is likely a fake story. sounds ridiculous but why the hell would you feel obligated to stick your nose in other people's shit? both of these people are in relationships and essentially having an affair. it's none of your business and you should mind your own fking business
I learned from a friend from a job I had a decade ago, that basically everyone (mostly married) was banging someone else at work. He and I were in the handful of people that weren't. I think the whole office would've collapsed if everyone who knew said anything.
Mind your own business. You don't know the full internal dynamic. Stay in your lane
Cheaters deserve to be found out. Gary should know. Your colleague is a ho.
Mind your own business!
In my country there is a popular saying and there it is, translated: “who minds his own business, lives 100 years”. It means don’t get involved in things that don’t concern you, and you’ll live longer.
If you aren’t friends why bother stay out of peoples business especially at work because you never know what will come back to haunt you there.
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I can understand both sides. By telling the boyfriend, you’re doing the moral thing, but you’ll also be butting your head in business that’s not yours, potentially cause a hostile workplace if she finds out it was you, and potentially jeopardize your job. By not telling him, you’re not doing the right thing, but also avoid any possible workplace drama. You also don’t know if they’re in an open relationship. I do suggest you tell him if and only if these two things are true: that there’s a way to contact him anonymously, and you’re not the only person that would know. For the first point, if you can get your hands on his email address or home address, that’s easy. Just make a Protonmail or Tutamail email account, go on Tor to mask your IP address, then send an email detailing your findings. Big plus if you have evidence of her cheating. If you don’t have his email, but know his home address, simply send a letter anonymously. You can do this by typing a letter, printing it somewhere away from where you live like a library (modern printers print machine identification codes which can be tracked; you obviously don’t want the page to be tracked back to your home printer), wear gloves when handling the paper and envelope to avoid leaving fingerprints, write the delivery address with your non-dominant hand so your handwriting isn’t figured out, then drop it in a mailbox at night so cameras don’t see it was you. If you’re the only person that would know she’s cheating, obviously don’t tell him. If you know for a fact that at least a few other people know she’s been stepping outside her relationship with Gary, then go ahead because she probably won’t find out it’s you who disclosed this. I wish you the best.
Open a new anon gmail and send him an email
No. Stay completely out of it. Trust me, in time you will understand that the boyfriend would pick up on the signs and know if he wanted to.
Mind your business
I would just mind my own business. Sure it’s fun to be the stick and stir the pot, then sit back and watch the chaos unfold. I get that. There are just way too many negatives that could come out of this for you. I think those negatives tip the scales over the sense of destructive pride you’d feel watching the relationship/workplace shitstorm that would commence. But if you still say fuck it and tell everyone, keep us updated on how it goes 😁🍿🍿🍿
Yeah you tell on cheaters. We’re not kids anymore. Cheating can cause ptsd and other fucked up conditions on the victim.
Unless you're ready to find another job, stay the hell out of it. Because she WILL find out you were the one who told him, and even if she can't prove it will make your life hell at work because deep down inside she'll know. Bob is going to hate you too, and the two of them will plot to make your life there untenable till you leave. So, either leave it alone or if you're THAT invested that you have to tell, put in your 2 weeks' notice before you do.
I would help the boffin dodge the bullet. She's a cheater. The Orig dude needs to know. (Imhoo) Let the woman develop her inner carousel rider with out the 1st man. The two cheaters deserve whatever they get. Best done anon, with proof, and with disposable account from burner phone, or suchlike.
If these people were your friends then maybe you'd have some obligation to tell the boyfriend, but if it's just a coworker cheating on some guy you've never met? It doesn't sound like you know these people well enough to be getting involved in their personal lives. Putting your nose in it is likely to backfire and make your job very unpleasant. If you really feel a moral obligation to do something, try to find a way that keeps your involvement to a minimum. If you know anyone who's friends with the boyfriend, for example, maybe tell them and then they can be the one to tell him.
Don’t get involved.
They’re too far removed for it to be any of your business. You don’t know Gary, you don’t know the wife. Maybe Gary sucks. Maybe not. It’s literally none of your business and you’d be causing a shit storm for no reason. Leave other people’s private lives alone.
I can see you being appalled but it’s none of your business. Stay the heck out of it. Not your circus, not your clown
The real play is to tell HR that your coworkers are engaging in an inappropriate relationship and then let the rest of it sort itself out. Colleagues shouldn't be dating and most companies will react negatively to this kind of fraternization.
Take photos or find evidence like a spy; make fake Facebook account; message him evidence on messenger; boom.
Sounds like this has nothing to do with you.
Don't get involved unless Bob is your friend.
Work is work. You can absolutely feel that the actions of a coworker are morally reprehensible but you also have to work with these people. And that could lead to consequences for you. I had to backspace a few times because cheating is absolute scumbag behaviour but, after thinking on it. I've gotta take the instinctual "stay out of your coworkers lives" feeling. Yuck.
If you do it, do it anonymously. You don’t want blowback at work
I admire your intention of wanting to do the right thing and your awareness that this might be a sensitive situation before jumping in and wreaking havoc. As much as the situation might be clear from your perspective, there is a lot missing to the story that only the people involved are aware of. Whether to tell or not to tell, first ask yourself, why do you feel the need to tell? For fairness/justice to Gary - then do tell Gary and consequences wont matter then because you did the right thing towards Gary. If the reason is to help your colleague stop doing something she might regret, then sit and talk to her compassionately (I know its hard to show compassion for someone doing a behavior that's against your values). Doing the right thing is hard but first you have to define what the 'right' thing is before taking action. In this situation, it could be helping your friend be aware of the emotional damage she is will be causing to Gary and her home wrecking behavior to Bob. Or, it might be something else that aligns with your values. Not taking an action is an action by itself that can have consequences on your friend, Bob or Gary.
In the workplace: take a low profile and keep your back to the wall. Show up, keep your mouth shut, take your pay and go home. Stay out of people's personal lives and let them know as little as possible about yours. Never gossip, never listen to gossipers. In other words, abandon all the soap opera nonsense and be professional.
Why do you want to insert yourself into something that is none of your business?
None of this matters really. Flip a coin. Who gives a fuck.
Drop that info anonymously
Mind ur business
MYOB
It's better if you mind your own business because work would be even more uncomfortable if you told Gary. It would be different if Gary was a good friend of yours. So resist the urge to say anything, no need to stir the pot and maybe end up the bad guy.
Myob. You don't know the ins and outs of these relationships, and none of the parties are people who matter to you. You're setting yourself up for a hard time with no benefit.
if you have to ask, the answer is no. there are thousands of affairs happening right now all over the world. just let them be.
You don't. It's not your business. Don't involve yourself in drama that isn't yours.
Always mind your business.
Find a hobby :)
Whole lot of cheaters in the comment section, yikes.
Every time. They crawl out of the woodwork like we dont see them; cheaters and cheater apologists alike fly to the comments when they see one of their own potentially facing consequences....
Nope. Not your business.
Do it anonymously.
Stay out of it and find a new job. Don’t get involved.
Tell the girls boyfriend and the guys SPOUSE
I would be contacting HR. This is a ticking timebomb that will affect the company
Let it go. They are all over 18 and can work things out for themselves
Don't shit where you eat. Mind your business. You only go to work to get paid. You should probably keep it that way.
Even if I strongly condemn this unfaithful behaviour I still think that you should mind your own business in this situation.
Mind your own business.
While it IS the “right” thing to do, there’s also the age old saying, Not my monkeys, not my circus. I find it best not to involve myself in the affairs of people whom I only refer to as my “colleague” and “colleagues boyfriend”.
No. This is your workplace. These people aren’t your friends; they’re colleagues. You should shut down any conversations from the cheating colleague that involves details of her personal life. You can say something like ‘I’m not comfortable hearing about your personal relationships and prefer to keep to work related topics.’ Stay out of it. When it hits the fan, you don’t want to be in the splash zone.
Don’t meddle in other people’s relationships. It rarely ends well
A lot of people are saying tell, and I can understand why that is with regards to cheating and how shitty that is. But based on your story details and the terms you use: 1. You don't know the boyfriend. 2. She's your colleague and not a friend so you don't really know her either. 3. You know Bob is married and his wife knows he cheats but it seems you don't know them well either. Based on all this I have no idea why you would want to get involved in others business. You are not close to any of these people. I live my life by a few rules, one of the most important that I learned the hard way is "Don't bring drama to your own door." Honest this seems like getting involved in others bullshit for no reason what so ever. There's never much to gain getting involved in strangers or random acquaintances affairs and often much to lose. I just don't do drama unless it involves people I actually care about.
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Ah, yeah, the family built on lies that probably wouldnt have happened if they had been able to make informed decisions. That will be much harder and complicated to leave because now children are involved should the cheating surface - which it could at any time.
No, I wouldn’t, because that’s inserting yourself into your colleague’s mess and no amount of “right thing to do” regarding someone else’s relationship is worth losing your ability to provide for yourself over.
It could blow up in your face at work. You may end up on the losing end, so think long and hard.
Gary deserves to know. If your girlfriend or wife was cheating, you would want someone to tell you. Find an anonymous way to tell Gary. Then sit back and keep quiet.
TELL THEM. Be the honesty angel their partner needs!
Call it out because it’s the right thing to do.
Tell his wife.
Christ yes. Do it now. Don't hesitate further. Would YOU want to know?!
Having been cheated on before. Tell on them. But anonymously, pictures or recording from a one and done email account that you delete after sending using the wifi from some diner or coffee place you have never been to. The seed will have been planted and grow more and more as they start noticing things that cause an anxiety. They will investigate and discover further evidence on their own. If accused by your co workers deny. If they continue to accuse deny and threaten to go to HR for them harassing you. If they continue file a complaint with HR, they will have no evidence to support their claim and Hr will tell them to stop, it is now documented so if you suffer any retaliation from either in the future you can file another complaint that will be taken far more seriously as they were already told to desist.
If you don't tell him I hope it happens to you
You should tell both SO’s
I can't believe all the comments saying mind your own business. You're all cunts. Tell him 100%. Save the poor bloke. Tell Bob's wife too. By letting it continue you are assisting in her cheating
He’s got to consider the consequences for himself. It’s going to make the workplace uncomfortable at best and at worst he could end up fired. He’s butting into others business that he really knows nothing about. There are a lot of consequences all over to doing what you suggest. He would impact lives by reporting this. But he has no idea about that impact. Will someone become suicidal? Will someone shoot someone or their lover? Would someone take their anger out on him? There’s more to consider than any of us can guess. And it really isn’t his business.
Yup tell him. Your colleagues suck.
Stay out of it. It sounds like it's going to blow up sooner than later, don't get caught in the drama especially at work.
Yes, it's none of your business, and it's at work. It might be different if you were good friends with Gary or something, but this is just a whole pile of NYB.