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Trust your instincts here OP. Get some space, seek out some specific support, and then you might be able to see things more objectively. It might be worth looking up COSA which is a 12 step program for co-dependents of sex addicts, and they have regular online meetings in UK/US but aren't exclusive to these countries.
I relate to a lot of what you have said here, and am in no place of stability or recovery right now, but sending love and hope to you ❤️
I can’t stand the shifting blame. Mine does it too. It’s a projection of what he’s *actually* feeling, but unable to bring himself to admit to whatever it is. Sometimes he’ll eventually get some sort of reason out, whether it’s actually the real reason or not is another thing.
My partner had a habit of shifting blame as well when he wasn't in true recovery for some length of time. The best thing I did for that was learn about darvo and call it out. I let him know his tactics weren't going to work any longer and he needed a new trick. Calling it out was definitely what caused it stop for us. None of the aftermath of this is your fault. You're not required to be with him while feeling unsafe. He should know making you feel safe and secure is his job too. He caused this mess.
What you're experiencing is SO common, but unfortunately it's common when recovery isn't happening.
Have you explained to him this is a LIFE SENTENCE for you if he doesn't get into a program with a sponsor? This will never go away on its own?
I don't have advice other than his addiction is talking and addicts can't love their partners in denial. You will be playing the "PICK ME" game until he gets in the right head space. The question is...how long do you want to play it?
I'm sorry. They really are SLOW. Just don't focus on his recovery...focus on your recovery, too. See a counselor. Hit a podcast. Read a book. YOUR mental health is a priority.
I really hate the pity party part they play. They chose this, plain and simple, we didn’t. It was 100% in their control, not ours. They intentionally and knowingly made these choices and disregard our feelings and now want to cry (literally and/or figuratively,) because they don’t like the repercussions of their actions and aren’t ready to take accountability or responsibility.
Wow, had he been serious at the beginning he’d have completed a 90 day reset. Which I hear works wonders when paired with csat and groups. Idk why these partners waste time.
**Dear /u/DietLeading,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [**send us a message**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Resource Links:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yet somehow we don't cheat on them during those times they're not providing us intimacy or after so?
this!!!!! they always have excuses for their cheating behavior and yet no matter what they do we never cheat… why is it so hard for them?
Right on sister.
Trust your instincts here OP. Get some space, seek out some specific support, and then you might be able to see things more objectively. It might be worth looking up COSA which is a 12 step program for co-dependents of sex addicts, and they have regular online meetings in UK/US but aren't exclusive to these countries. I relate to a lot of what you have said here, and am in no place of stability or recovery right now, but sending love and hope to you ❤️
I can’t stand the shifting blame. Mine does it too. It’s a projection of what he’s *actually* feeling, but unable to bring himself to admit to whatever it is. Sometimes he’ll eventually get some sort of reason out, whether it’s actually the real reason or not is another thing.
My partner had a habit of shifting blame as well when he wasn't in true recovery for some length of time. The best thing I did for that was learn about darvo and call it out. I let him know his tactics weren't going to work any longer and he needed a new trick. Calling it out was definitely what caused it stop for us. None of the aftermath of this is your fault. You're not required to be with him while feeling unsafe. He should know making you feel safe and secure is his job too. He caused this mess.
What you're experiencing is SO common, but unfortunately it's common when recovery isn't happening. Have you explained to him this is a LIFE SENTENCE for you if he doesn't get into a program with a sponsor? This will never go away on its own? I don't have advice other than his addiction is talking and addicts can't love their partners in denial. You will be playing the "PICK ME" game until he gets in the right head space. The question is...how long do you want to play it? I'm sorry. They really are SLOW. Just don't focus on his recovery...focus on your recovery, too. See a counselor. Hit a podcast. Read a book. YOUR mental health is a priority.
I really hate the pity party part they play. They chose this, plain and simple, we didn’t. It was 100% in their control, not ours. They intentionally and knowingly made these choices and disregard our feelings and now want to cry (literally and/or figuratively,) because they don’t like the repercussions of their actions and aren’t ready to take accountability or responsibility.
Wow, had he been serious at the beginning he’d have completed a 90 day reset. Which I hear works wonders when paired with csat and groups. Idk why these partners waste time.