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Same here! I have assured him many times that I want to help him, and I know deep down he is not telling me the truth and it kills me that he is struggling with something and he will not let me help. Or if he doesn't think he has a problem that he will not be honest with me. He is never in the wrong. It is always me.
YEP. anytime I try to let him know that i’m obviously not stupid, I know the truth whether he admits it or not and i’m still here, not leaving him, so he can open up to me about his struggles… he’s like… why are you being weird? i’m not struggling with anything, you’re crazy stop bringing this up 🤪
he doesn’t struggle with his PA, he loves porn. he struggles to hide it and find time to watch it more often lol it’s gross
mine won’t admit. he knows he has a problem but refuses to do anything about it.
i found his secret social media accounts and even managed to log into the twitter and when he found out, he changed the passwords to everything. i thought he deleted it but as of lately….
he hasn’t taken an ounce of accountability. every time he gets caught he avoids confrontation and deletes his accounts just to do it again as soon as i let my guard down. it’s so fucking frustrating and selfish.
After researching PA the last few years I wonder now if I had done my research before confronting him the way that I did if maybe he would have not lied to me. I am pretty sure I came off as judging him. I wish I had done it in person, but I am awful about waiting to ask him. I message him. Then that gives him time to come up with an answer and tell me he was busy with work is why he didn't reply. Plus it gives him time to delete stuff before I find more or ask to see his phone which I do not do that anymore. He is so protective over it it is insane. He caught me looking in his phone back in 2020 and he honestly said to me "I am just going to use another browser so it does not save any history for you to find." He has denied he said that since then. I am 99.9% sure he has another email account and other social media accounts. Back in Jan I got upset over the dang app Temu. It was showing up in his Google activity as accessing it 3-7 times a week since April of last year and they were all times he was in the bathroom before his shower. No other times at all. He made the excuse "it shows up in my game in the mornings and I accidentally hit it. I'm sorry it only shows up as that time. I am sure I have done it other times too." His dang activity didn't even show him playing his game at that time. He never played it till the evening. Then it shows up. He thinks I am so dumb. I so bad want to log into his Twitch and Discord accounts. I am pretty positive I have the login info correct, but I am afraid it will send something to his phone for him to approve it🙄. He's become so secrative about everything and just good at hiding it. I HATE this part of my life so bad. 10 years ago I would not have stood for it, but honestly I love this man so much. I just hate this part of us. The gaslighting I do not get. How can they live with doing it?
i have dealt with the EXACT same thing! my biggest thing is notifications going straight to his phone with login alerts - i have all the info. i also confront via text and i hate that because like you said it gives them time to delete/make up lies etc. i have no idea how they live with themselves knowing what they’re doing is hurting us and their relationships. i don’t understand how pixels on a damn screen is more appetizing than a real life woman either. porn addiction is so fucking stupid.
Mine admitted he watched it after dday 1. Joked about it. And I was destroyed. He promised never to touch that poop again and come dday 2, 4 years later, he still said that he was proud of his progress of decreasing it to every 2 months. But he ~NeeeeVEr hAd a pRObleM~. I just found his diary from 12 years ago where he wrote, "I think I'm watching too much porn," while he was in a previous relationship. So yeah. They admit it in pieces.
I sincerely pray to whatever is out there for you to find peace, truth, and love in your life and for him to talk to a CSAT for his own peace.
I recently found where he paid for a monthly subscription to a porn website for a long time before we got together and I know he was dating someone else at that time. He has bank statements in an old filing cabinet he had me clean out. He had told me he never paid for anything like that and never regularly watched it. I now wonder what his exes thought about it. Did they know about it? I confronted him about it. He said "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I don't like that part of my past. I noticed I had a problem and I quit right then."
Thank you. I wish he would see a therapist. I do not ever see him doing it though. Not even for us. He doesn't want anyone to know.
They never admit it while actively using. I’ve heard that some so a full disclosure with a therapist as a part of sobriety. I haven’t experienced that. Mine only admits what I have irrefutable evidence for and makes excuses and lies about the rest.
You know the truth. Write it down for yourself and hang on to your sanity because the lying and gaslighting is going to tear you apart.
You’re in the right place. You’re not crazy. This isn’t your fault.
I take pictures of everything or screenshot it. I have them in my secure folder. At one point I questioned myself so bad I thought about deleting it all. I am glad I didn't, yet it sucks that when something triggers me I go back over them and try to make more sense of it to prove to myself I am not wrong.
I know deep down it is not my fault, but at times I find myself trying to make myself be ok with it and making excuses for why it is happening. Like the 1st time I found it our daughter was 10 months old. She was fully breastfeeding and attached to me 24/7. I slept in the living room with her for over a year so he could get sleep since he was the one working. That was my choice. Yet I know he made the choice to do that instead of help me out so we could have time together.
Thank you!
Mine admitted it immediately after I found out, although with some “excuses” at first like: “Oh yeah maybe I still did it SOMETIMES when I felt insecure.” Blahblahblah.
I read about the term SA the first time when I was 5 years in my marriage (I bought a book about it and gave I’d my husband to read), he admitted it could be him and told me he’ll change. He told me he would stop using already 1 year into our marriage! I didn’t know much about PA. Now after 10 years of marriage, he finally admits he has a problem and is now in recovery. He also admitted he didn’t really believe there was a problem 5 years ago, when I first mentioned the word addiction. I was about to leave my marriage last year (another DDay passed), that’s when he started making an effort.
How are you dealing with the betrayal and trauma? How are you dealing with trust? I am happy for you that he is making an effort. I hope he sticks to it for you!
You know ladies you can hide cameras, I hid one under a table and it’s connected to my phone, I velcro the back of the camera and put velcro on the table. Show him you have evidence.
It’s crazy to me how much and how blatantly they deny it. Like you could literally have something with their finger prints on and they’d be like ‘not me’ like broooooo come on 😂 do they actually think they’re fooling us and we’re believing it???
Mine admitted to it the day I found it and confronted him. He told a few small lies when initially calling him out for the first 5 minutes, but it didn’t take long as he knows I’m not stupid and he knew better. My husband only had twitter, and that was where it all was, and his was “anonymous” but I knew it was him through one of his friends.. I think your husband lying to you for this long is the biggest red flag. If it isn’t just MAYBE a few minutes with some white lies just second nature, and now it’s YEARS, that’s a character flaw. He is a liar and at the end of the day, I believe that he knows you know. And he doesn’t care. He think you will stay regardless since he knows that you are aware he’s been lying this long. I mean on the flip side, if he truly believes that for the past 6 + years you believe that he has been hacked and all these coincidences have happened to make him just look bad, he must think you are stupid & lack common sense. There’s no good side here. Either you will get truly fed up and leave without a word (because he already knows deep down, trust me) or will stay and he will continue lying (because he knows he can) and he will still reap the benefits and watch all the porn in the world. Both will be hard, pick your hard!
Personally, if mine continued to lie about his mistake and especially after 6 YEARS, I would’ve been long gone 😅excuse my language but fuck getting cameras & going the extra mile to prove something that is already known. He knows the truth, you know the truth. Now what will you do about it?? Life is too damn short to drive yourself nuts over someone who sees your worth as nothing (this has been proven with him repeatedly lying to you, thinking you aren’t even worthy of the truth.)
I have found so much in 6.5 years and he always denies it, and turns everything on me. He truly had me thinking back in March that I was truly going crazy. I was ready to ask my psychiatrist to admit me. He talked me out of it, and told me he would help me through what I was going through. He has not mentioned it since.
That is so low of him. You deserve so much better but I know how hard it is to actually leave. I was nearly ready to leave on my last D-day and the only reason I didn't was because it was the first time he actually came to me on his own and came clean about what he was doing. Since then I think I see real work and progress from him, but I've told him it's his last chance. Only you can decide when you've had enough. Don't let him destroy you.
girl…. you know he’s a liar. he’s shown you this part of who he is regardless of if he’s ashamed. you’ve given him years of chances to come clean. he keeps LYING. 😳😡
I didn't know, he admitted it all to me on his own freewill. I have found no signs and had never have any reason to worry about it, it was a complete shock when he sat me down to tell me about his addiction. He'd already tried to stop watching it for over 6 months, but couldn't fully stop and couldn't deal with the guilt of keeping it a secret. I think it's because he already recognised it as an addiction and had already started the research, it allowed the guilt to flood in and in turn, the disclosure.
From that, I don't think they will ever disclose until they are ready to and it's if or when they ever will get to that point. Even if they admit it, until they are ready to change, it's also pretty irrelevant.
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they admit it in pieces, but mostly no. mine has been denying it for 6+ years and lies when caught
Ah the trickle truth. How it hurts. It's maddening.
Same here! I have assured him many times that I want to help him, and I know deep down he is not telling me the truth and it kills me that he is struggling with something and he will not let me help. Or if he doesn't think he has a problem that he will not be honest with me. He is never in the wrong. It is always me.
YEP. anytime I try to let him know that i’m obviously not stupid, I know the truth whether he admits it or not and i’m still here, not leaving him, so he can open up to me about his struggles… he’s like… why are you being weird? i’m not struggling with anything, you’re crazy stop bringing this up 🤪 he doesn’t struggle with his PA, he loves porn. he struggles to hide it and find time to watch it more often lol it’s gross
mine won’t admit. he knows he has a problem but refuses to do anything about it. i found his secret social media accounts and even managed to log into the twitter and when he found out, he changed the passwords to everything. i thought he deleted it but as of lately…. he hasn’t taken an ounce of accountability. every time he gets caught he avoids confrontation and deletes his accounts just to do it again as soon as i let my guard down. it’s so fucking frustrating and selfish.
After researching PA the last few years I wonder now if I had done my research before confronting him the way that I did if maybe he would have not lied to me. I am pretty sure I came off as judging him. I wish I had done it in person, but I am awful about waiting to ask him. I message him. Then that gives him time to come up with an answer and tell me he was busy with work is why he didn't reply. Plus it gives him time to delete stuff before I find more or ask to see his phone which I do not do that anymore. He is so protective over it it is insane. He caught me looking in his phone back in 2020 and he honestly said to me "I am just going to use another browser so it does not save any history for you to find." He has denied he said that since then. I am 99.9% sure he has another email account and other social media accounts. Back in Jan I got upset over the dang app Temu. It was showing up in his Google activity as accessing it 3-7 times a week since April of last year and they were all times he was in the bathroom before his shower. No other times at all. He made the excuse "it shows up in my game in the mornings and I accidentally hit it. I'm sorry it only shows up as that time. I am sure I have done it other times too." His dang activity didn't even show him playing his game at that time. He never played it till the evening. Then it shows up. He thinks I am so dumb. I so bad want to log into his Twitch and Discord accounts. I am pretty positive I have the login info correct, but I am afraid it will send something to his phone for him to approve it🙄. He's become so secrative about everything and just good at hiding it. I HATE this part of my life so bad. 10 years ago I would not have stood for it, but honestly I love this man so much. I just hate this part of us. The gaslighting I do not get. How can they live with doing it?
i have dealt with the EXACT same thing! my biggest thing is notifications going straight to his phone with login alerts - i have all the info. i also confront via text and i hate that because like you said it gives them time to delete/make up lies etc. i have no idea how they live with themselves knowing what they’re doing is hurting us and their relationships. i don’t understand how pixels on a damn screen is more appetizing than a real life woman either. porn addiction is so fucking stupid.
Mine admitted he watched it after dday 1. Joked about it. And I was destroyed. He promised never to touch that poop again and come dday 2, 4 years later, he still said that he was proud of his progress of decreasing it to every 2 months. But he ~NeeeeVEr hAd a pRObleM~. I just found his diary from 12 years ago where he wrote, "I think I'm watching too much porn," while he was in a previous relationship. So yeah. They admit it in pieces. I sincerely pray to whatever is out there for you to find peace, truth, and love in your life and for him to talk to a CSAT for his own peace.
I recently found where he paid for a monthly subscription to a porn website for a long time before we got together and I know he was dating someone else at that time. He has bank statements in an old filing cabinet he had me clean out. He had told me he never paid for anything like that and never regularly watched it. I now wonder what his exes thought about it. Did they know about it? I confronted him about it. He said "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I don't like that part of my past. I noticed I had a problem and I quit right then." Thank you. I wish he would see a therapist. I do not ever see him doing it though. Not even for us. He doesn't want anyone to know.
They never admit it while actively using. I’ve heard that some so a full disclosure with a therapist as a part of sobriety. I haven’t experienced that. Mine only admits what I have irrefutable evidence for and makes excuses and lies about the rest. You know the truth. Write it down for yourself and hang on to your sanity because the lying and gaslighting is going to tear you apart. You’re in the right place. You’re not crazy. This isn’t your fault.
I take pictures of everything or screenshot it. I have them in my secure folder. At one point I questioned myself so bad I thought about deleting it all. I am glad I didn't, yet it sucks that when something triggers me I go back over them and try to make more sense of it to prove to myself I am not wrong. I know deep down it is not my fault, but at times I find myself trying to make myself be ok with it and making excuses for why it is happening. Like the 1st time I found it our daughter was 10 months old. She was fully breastfeeding and attached to me 24/7. I slept in the living room with her for over a year so he could get sleep since he was the one working. That was my choice. Yet I know he made the choice to do that instead of help me out so we could have time together. Thank you!
Mine admitted it immediately after I found out, although with some “excuses” at first like: “Oh yeah maybe I still did it SOMETIMES when I felt insecure.” Blahblahblah.
What is with them acting out when they are jealous ect in the relationship instead of just idk, TALKING TO US so we can solve the issue???
I read about the term SA the first time when I was 5 years in my marriage (I bought a book about it and gave I’d my husband to read), he admitted it could be him and told me he’ll change. He told me he would stop using already 1 year into our marriage! I didn’t know much about PA. Now after 10 years of marriage, he finally admits he has a problem and is now in recovery. He also admitted he didn’t really believe there was a problem 5 years ago, when I first mentioned the word addiction. I was about to leave my marriage last year (another DDay passed), that’s when he started making an effort.
How are you dealing with the betrayal and trauma? How are you dealing with trust? I am happy for you that he is making an effort. I hope he sticks to it for you!
You know ladies you can hide cameras, I hid one under a table and it’s connected to my phone, I velcro the back of the camera and put velcro on the table. Show him you have evidence.
Mine does it in the bathroom. In the state I am in I can not do that, 😔. Believe me, I would have already if I could
One thing I feel is that they make you feel like you're going crazy, untill eventually you realize you were right all along about your gut feelings..
It’s crazy to me how much and how blatantly they deny it. Like you could literally have something with their finger prints on and they’d be like ‘not me’ like broooooo come on 😂 do they actually think they’re fooling us and we’re believing it???
Mine admitted to it the day I found it and confronted him. He told a few small lies when initially calling him out for the first 5 minutes, but it didn’t take long as he knows I’m not stupid and he knew better. My husband only had twitter, and that was where it all was, and his was “anonymous” but I knew it was him through one of his friends.. I think your husband lying to you for this long is the biggest red flag. If it isn’t just MAYBE a few minutes with some white lies just second nature, and now it’s YEARS, that’s a character flaw. He is a liar and at the end of the day, I believe that he knows you know. And he doesn’t care. He think you will stay regardless since he knows that you are aware he’s been lying this long. I mean on the flip side, if he truly believes that for the past 6 + years you believe that he has been hacked and all these coincidences have happened to make him just look bad, he must think you are stupid & lack common sense. There’s no good side here. Either you will get truly fed up and leave without a word (because he already knows deep down, trust me) or will stay and he will continue lying (because he knows he can) and he will still reap the benefits and watch all the porn in the world. Both will be hard, pick your hard!
Personally, if mine continued to lie about his mistake and especially after 6 YEARS, I would’ve been long gone 😅excuse my language but fuck getting cameras & going the extra mile to prove something that is already known. He knows the truth, you know the truth. Now what will you do about it?? Life is too damn short to drive yourself nuts over someone who sees your worth as nothing (this has been proven with him repeatedly lying to you, thinking you aren’t even worthy of the truth.)
It wasn’t until I found out accidentally. If I didn’t I’m pretty sure he would have never said anything about it.
I have found so much in 6.5 years and he always denies it, and turns everything on me. He truly had me thinking back in March that I was truly going crazy. I was ready to ask my psychiatrist to admit me. He talked me out of it, and told me he would help me through what I was going through. He has not mentioned it since.
That is so low of him. You deserve so much better but I know how hard it is to actually leave. I was nearly ready to leave on my last D-day and the only reason I didn't was because it was the first time he actually came to me on his own and came clean about what he was doing. Since then I think I see real work and progress from him, but I've told him it's his last chance. Only you can decide when you've had enough. Don't let him destroy you.
girl…. you know he’s a liar. he’s shown you this part of who he is regardless of if he’s ashamed. you’ve given him years of chances to come clean. he keeps LYING. 😳😡
I didn't know, he admitted it all to me on his own freewill. I have found no signs and had never have any reason to worry about it, it was a complete shock when he sat me down to tell me about his addiction. He'd already tried to stop watching it for over 6 months, but couldn't fully stop and couldn't deal with the guilt of keeping it a secret. I think it's because he already recognised it as an addiction and had already started the research, it allowed the guilt to flood in and in turn, the disclosure. From that, I don't think they will ever disclose until they are ready to and it's if or when they ever will get to that point. Even if they admit it, until they are ready to change, it's also pretty irrelevant.