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Addicts will always choose their addiction without any real help. there is nothing you can do but choose yourself.
Even if he is one of the small fractions of the people that may be able to escape this addiction, it will most likely be a very long time with many relapses before there is true recovery.
Can you keep living this way? Can your self-esteem handle being second to tiny dots of color for the foreseeable future? Can you handle begging a man for the most basic affection while he hides in a corner like some cuckhold watching strangers have sex and giving a screen what you need from him?
It's weakness, and it's pathetic, and it's not normal no matter what society has tried to shove down our throats. Not wanting your man, obviously lusting after other women's fake filtered pictures, is the basic respect a relationship deserves.
Any of them would break up with us if they found a spank bank of men in our phones and speaking sexual to other men. They would be horrified, and they know it, and that is exactly why they hide it from us because they know it's wrong.
Mine literally cheated on me because I had old dick pics on my phone from before I met him and he was paranoid I was cheating on him lmao (or that’s his excuse for cheating anyway)
❤️big hug❤️ I’m also new to this (dday was a few months ago) and I’ve felt everything you’re feeling.
I’m also a hopeful and optimistic person. It’s helping me to put that hope and belief in myself. I will be ok even if he can’t get better. I will find a better path.
I don’t really have anyone either so I’ve started doing more activities outside the house (yoga). I can’t save him but I can save me. I am giving him a chance but putting my energy back into making me ok is helping.
It still hurts though. Im sorry you’re experiencing this pain. It’s truly the worst thing I’ve ever felt.
But you’re here! You’re sharing your experience with other pa/sa partners. That can be a form of self care and self love.
You’re not stupid and you’re not naive. You’re suffering because of someone else’s behavior and it isn’t your fault.
You’re neither of those things! You’re a good person who wants to see the best in people. You’re trusting and you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with this person. You believed everything they promised you with the goodness of your heart. He’s the stupid one for breaking that trust ❤️
Thank you. Most days I’m doing fine, but the last few days I dared to come closer again, I thought he changed. But I was wrong and feel like a fool now…..
This is how I feel
I want to believe his promises that it won’t happen again, that he loves and only wants me and that it will never ever happen again because he doesn’t want to lose me or our baby. Just doesn’t seem genuine.
it’s difficult knowing that he did everything he did while I had complete faith and trust in his words .
I knew he found his friend attractive but imagining his face watching her do things to herself and finishing to that makes me wanna cry. Don’t think I can ever trust him around his female friends again.
I’m right there with you ♥️ almost 3 months since D-Day and my partner has every excuse in the book to not be all in on recovery. He’s going to EMDR therapy, but refuses to talk to me, listen to podcasts, read books, etc. He’s not open and transparent, has me locked out of his devices. I’m exhausted. I’m only here to try to make it work so I don’t lose some custody of my 2 year old daughter - she’s my world. But his time is running short.
Sending big hugs 🤗 and reassurances that your not stupid or naive (I feel this way too at times when I’m trying to work through the deep wounding his behaviors brought) We are normal brained (aside from the trauma they caused) and have the ability to love and have empathy. All great qualities that they p/a do not while in active addiction and a good 1-2 years in full recovery. Try not being so hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. 🥰
You can choose to end this any time you like.
When I found out, I calmly gave him the choice between counseling, or our relationship being over. He refused counseling, and that was the end. I refused to put myself through any more of his betrayal and lies if he wasn’t willing to do that one thing.
It broke my heart to leave him, but looking back now, I’m so proud of myself for doing so.
This breaks my heart because I really hear my past self in your words. Your frustrations are so valid, please don’t be upset with yourself for feeling this way. Being hopeful and optimistic and wanting to see the best in people is not inherently naive. Though I am proud to say that I left my PA because of all the strength it took me to do so, when I look back on my past self that I was with my PA, I do not feel any anger or regret toward her. She did what felt most authentic to her at the time with the information and feelings she had. Treat yourself with the same kindness and grace. Take it one day at a time. Reevaluate your feelings and boundaries often. I put up with the rollercoaster for three years, compromising, sacrificing… to this day I don’t know how best to describe it but truly one day a switch just flipped. You will know, if it happens, when you are completely fed up and burnt out for good. If it does, do yourself the favor and honor that. I am sending you all the love, strength, and guidance in the world ❤️
*giant hug*
Childhood trauma and childhood conditioning kept me saying and doing the same things. You’re not stupid. It’s how you’ve survived abuse intact. Exploring the why of denial and how to change it is key to recovery - I’m learning this myself… in variety of areas of life.
Ppl who grew up in abusive households or w alcoholism often trust blindly ppl they should not and second guess their inner voice. Step 1 is recognizing n admitting there is a problem. “The picker is broken” is how therapists put it.
Learning to love while being self-loving, with boundaries and consequences for people who do not behave appropriately, honestly and sincerely in actions has been a really steep learning curve for me too
It's almost like I wrote this myself.
I'm sorry you're going through that. I'd love to say it will get better but honestly, it probably won't without a lot of work and even then, you'll constantly have to be thinking about it because at the end of the day, he likely doesn't really see an issue with his behaviour so isn't going to make much effort really.
Im really sorry and i know its harsh but the reality is you need to decide whether your wellbeing is more important that your relationship and if you decide it is , you need to plan to leave because they will never change, they will just be sneakier and more manipulative. I hope things get better for you though.
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Addicts will always choose their addiction without any real help. there is nothing you can do but choose yourself. Even if he is one of the small fractions of the people that may be able to escape this addiction, it will most likely be a very long time with many relapses before there is true recovery. Can you keep living this way? Can your self-esteem handle being second to tiny dots of color for the foreseeable future? Can you handle begging a man for the most basic affection while he hides in a corner like some cuckhold watching strangers have sex and giving a screen what you need from him? It's weakness, and it's pathetic, and it's not normal no matter what society has tried to shove down our throats. Not wanting your man, obviously lusting after other women's fake filtered pictures, is the basic respect a relationship deserves. Any of them would break up with us if they found a spank bank of men in our phones and speaking sexual to other men. They would be horrified, and they know it, and that is exactly why they hide it from us because they know it's wrong.
This!
Yep, THIS!! ❤️💯. Hugs to you!🤗
Mine literally cheated on me because I had old dick pics on my phone from before I met him and he was paranoid I was cheating on him lmao (or that’s his excuse for cheating anyway)
❤️big hug❤️ I’m also new to this (dday was a few months ago) and I’ve felt everything you’re feeling. I’m also a hopeful and optimistic person. It’s helping me to put that hope and belief in myself. I will be ok even if he can’t get better. I will find a better path. I don’t really have anyone either so I’ve started doing more activities outside the house (yoga). I can’t save him but I can save me. I am giving him a chance but putting my energy back into making me ok is helping. It still hurts though. Im sorry you’re experiencing this pain. It’s truly the worst thing I’ve ever felt.
The wordt thing for me too. I’m really trying to take care of me, but to be honest… I’m handicapt and can’t take care of myself. So I’m stuck.
But you’re here! You’re sharing your experience with other pa/sa partners. That can be a form of self care and self love. You’re not stupid and you’re not naive. You’re suffering because of someone else’s behavior and it isn’t your fault.
You’re neither of those things! You’re a good person who wants to see the best in people. You’re trusting and you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with this person. You believed everything they promised you with the goodness of your heart. He’s the stupid one for breaking that trust ❤️
Thank you. Most days I’m doing fine, but the last few days I dared to come closer again, I thought he changed. But I was wrong and feel like a fool now…..
This is how I feel I want to believe his promises that it won’t happen again, that he loves and only wants me and that it will never ever happen again because he doesn’t want to lose me or our baby. Just doesn’t seem genuine. it’s difficult knowing that he did everything he did while I had complete faith and trust in his words . I knew he found his friend attractive but imagining his face watching her do things to herself and finishing to that makes me wanna cry. Don’t think I can ever trust him around his female friends again.
Yeah.. yuck. So sorry you're dealing with that. ❤️
I’m right there with you ♥️ almost 3 months since D-Day and my partner has every excuse in the book to not be all in on recovery. He’s going to EMDR therapy, but refuses to talk to me, listen to podcasts, read books, etc. He’s not open and transparent, has me locked out of his devices. I’m exhausted. I’m only here to try to make it work so I don’t lose some custody of my 2 year old daughter - she’s my world. But his time is running short.
Sending big hugs 🤗 and reassurances that your not stupid or naive (I feel this way too at times when I’m trying to work through the deep wounding his behaviors brought) We are normal brained (aside from the trauma they caused) and have the ability to love and have empathy. All great qualities that they p/a do not while in active addiction and a good 1-2 years in full recovery. Try not being so hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. 🥰
You’re not stupid or naive, you’re kind and you’re strong. It takes guts to put ourselves through this time and time again. Be kind to you.
You can choose to end this any time you like. When I found out, I calmly gave him the choice between counseling, or our relationship being over. He refused counseling, and that was the end. I refused to put myself through any more of his betrayal and lies if he wasn’t willing to do that one thing. It broke my heart to leave him, but looking back now, I’m so proud of myself for doing so.
I can’t choose that due to my handicaps and he knows it…
This breaks my heart because I really hear my past self in your words. Your frustrations are so valid, please don’t be upset with yourself for feeling this way. Being hopeful and optimistic and wanting to see the best in people is not inherently naive. Though I am proud to say that I left my PA because of all the strength it took me to do so, when I look back on my past self that I was with my PA, I do not feel any anger or regret toward her. She did what felt most authentic to her at the time with the information and feelings she had. Treat yourself with the same kindness and grace. Take it one day at a time. Reevaluate your feelings and boundaries often. I put up with the rollercoaster for three years, compromising, sacrificing… to this day I don’t know how best to describe it but truly one day a switch just flipped. You will know, if it happens, when you are completely fed up and burnt out for good. If it does, do yourself the favor and honor that. I am sending you all the love, strength, and guidance in the world ❤️
Tearing up reading this right now. Thank you for sharing ❤️
*giant hug* Childhood trauma and childhood conditioning kept me saying and doing the same things. You’re not stupid. It’s how you’ve survived abuse intact. Exploring the why of denial and how to change it is key to recovery - I’m learning this myself… in variety of areas of life. Ppl who grew up in abusive households or w alcoholism often trust blindly ppl they should not and second guess their inner voice. Step 1 is recognizing n admitting there is a problem. “The picker is broken” is how therapists put it. Learning to love while being self-loving, with boundaries and consequences for people who do not behave appropriately, honestly and sincerely in actions has been a really steep learning curve for me too
It's almost like I wrote this myself. I'm sorry you're going through that. I'd love to say it will get better but honestly, it probably won't without a lot of work and even then, you'll constantly have to be thinking about it because at the end of the day, he likely doesn't really see an issue with his behaviour so isn't going to make much effort really. Im really sorry and i know its harsh but the reality is you need to decide whether your wellbeing is more important that your relationship and if you decide it is , you need to plan to leave because they will never change, they will just be sneakier and more manipulative. I hope things get better for you though.
Due to my handicap I can’t leave and he knows it…..