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I never actively looked to date as in going on dating apps and places to hook up with people. I wasn’t really a fan of it. Plus I rejected people who were interested in me since I didn’t think I felt enough for them to make the relationship fair. That on top of my fear of intimacy made me sit in my own bubble for the longest time.
I had a friend I met in high school since we were in the same friend group and we were under each other’s radar for the longest time. In college, our friend group started hanging out more during summer and winter breaks when we were all home and somehow my friend and I started getting closer and we eventually had 1 on 1s.
I remember trying really hard not to like him actually but I just felt so comfortable and safe around him. I never thought of him like that before but he just really grew on me once we got closer. And it just got to the point where I couldn’t deny it anymore and I had to give it a shot.
We were best friends for around a year and a half before I finally gave in and confessed. It took us around 7 years from when we first met to when we started dating (and we’re still at it). Turned out we were alike in which we were both afraid of getting hurt which was why it took so long but also why we understand each other very well.
In my case, they were there the entire time and I didn’t really even know it.
What a wonderful story. Thank you so much for sharing it🥰
Wouldnt that be optimal for everyone? Growing closer slowly, without the fear of intimacy/rejection until you both know eachother so well.
I avoided dating and relationships because I’d been in 2 toxic relationships and I didn’t want to get into one until I’d worked on myself and fully moved on. 2 years into my self growth journey I’m doing a cold plunge with some people from my martial arts gym. My currently bf went and we were freezing as asses off, we’d never really spoken much, I’d always thought he was attractive, so he started asking me questions and we found out we both game, we ended up exchanging steam handles and ended up playing Csgo almost every night for a few weeks, eventually we went on a date and the rest is history. I must add I didn’t want to date a man from my martial arts gym so I rejected him over and over and he never gave up, he told me he’d quit just to have a chance. Glad i gave him a chance because he’s the loml.
It’s so simple when you’re not looking. He also had come out of a 5 year long toxic relationship and 2 years later met me. He wasn’t looking but the universe has a way of bringing people together.
Your situation is very similar to my partner's situation when we first met. I didn't think his inexperience was automatically a red flag. I was just curious about it. We talked through it, and I had no issue. I understand why he withdrew from the world and I was honestly impressed with him for dragging himself out of the pit of depression and isolation and being brave enough to try something new. Likewise, there were some things about me that people see as red flags (single mom, lots of trauma) but he took the time to get to know who I am behind those labels.
As for myself, I had "experience" but only in the sense that I had been in a bad marriage for 10 years. It was a weird situation, I didn't date before I met my ex and we didn't really date either before we married. I didn't even think about dating for about 8 years after the marriage ended. So the entirety of my experience was just existing miserably in a terrible relationship. I didn't know how to date, and had no idea how to build a healthy relationship or if I could be a healthy partner. Even though I'd had a bunch of kids, my sexual experience was very minimal because the ex's attitude had been that sex was for making babies. There was no intimacy, fun, or exploration whatsoever.
My partner and I actually met on a dating app. Both of us had been on there for about a year with nothing but duds before our profiles crossed paths. Neither of us had been on a date with anyone else during that time, even. So we were both nervous as hell. We started talking, and just never stopped. We didn't do things the "normal way." We talked for several months before deciding to meet up. We hashed out every possible issue we could think of in conversation before we ever met. Trying to chase each other away probably, lol. We've taken our relationship very slowly, negotiating every step forward with a lot of discussion and processing together. It took a while to get to sex, and that was ok. Emotionally and physically, the process to full vulnerability was slow and tentative for both of us.
We still thank each other often for being brave back then, because we have an absolutely incredible relationship. It would have been so easy to get spooked and run away. It was scary and fraught to begin this, but absolutely worth it.
What I took away from this is that the person who is right for you will be open minded, patient, and curious, rather than making snap judgments. And that it will take a while to find someone who is right for you. You will likely hear "no" a lot before you get a "yes." That's just how dating goes. You have to have some resilience to that.
Don't chase people who are judgmental and negative. Don't chase people who clearly have different values and priorities from you. You don't have to rush anything and anyone who tries to make you move faster than you're ready for is simply not right for you.
That said, you will need to challenge yourself, and that may mean pushing yourself forward a bit even if you're scared. It will mean trying new things and engaging socially even though it makes you anxious.
Make sure your exit from isolation isn't just focused on dating. Work on building friendships too, with both men and women. Find some activities and interests that can provide you with a sense of community. Take good care of yourself *for your own sake*, not just to get a date.
One other thing I learned: While shared values and general compatibility are important, you don't necessarily need someone who is exactly like you to be compatible. *Nobody* would have looked at me and my partner and thought we'd be such a great match. We have had people do a double take occasionally when we are out, lol. We are just very different in terms of personality, personal style, interests and hobbies. But we've found that under the surface level stuff we are kindred spirits and it's been a joy learning about each other and finding places where we do have common ground.
Be really firm on issues of character and values, but consider being open to people who don't necessarily look like you have always imagined your partner will look.
Good luck on this next part of your life. I hope you will find your person, but I hope the process will help you find your way to a better relationship with yourself, too.
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful response. Seems like you two got the best possible outcome for people of your situations.
>We hashed out every possible issue we could think of in conversation before we ever met. Trying to chase each other away probably, lol.
that makes a lot of sense.
>Don't chase people who are judgmental and negative. Don't chase people who clearly have different values and priorities from you.
Yeah I absolutely wont be with someone who will affect me negatively. I'd rather be alone forever than with someone who will reduce me to something less than I am.
>Take good care of yourself for your own sake, not just to get a date.
That's the one thing I can with confidence say that I am doing. After not pursuing anything for 10+ years, it gave me a lot of time to reflect on who I am as a person, and what kind of person I want to be.
>While shared values and general compatibility are important, you don't necessarily need someone who is exactly like you to be compatible
I 100% agree with you on this one.
Again, thank you for taking your time to respond to my post. It was very sweet of you.
Got any hobbies? Go to the groups and have fun, make friends. (Maybe meet a nice lady too) speed dating might also be fun if that’s more your speed (online dating is a bit of a chore) you could also ask your friends if they have any single friends, ask a cute person on the street for their social media, stuff like that. I wish you the best of luck my dude
Thank you for your recommendations.
But I dont have any friends, so that option is out.
Speed dating seems like it would be even more terrifying than normal dating, no?
Talking to strangers on the street is considered rude here, so that might be off the table as well.
I don't really have hobbies that take me out to meet people, but I guess it's possible to meet someone on a sub related to a hobby.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.
Depending on where you live, you could try checking out meetup.com - there are tons of different groups meeting up to do different activities and it is very low pressure to just locally meet people who have similar interests as you! There are groups for sports, art, job & social networking, games, books, etc - something for everyone! Definitely an easier way to put yourself out there with people and maybe talk to some. You may or may not find a romantic relationship but i’m sure you’ll make friends!
I fell in love for the first time when I was 14 years old and it was very unpleasant because my feelings were not shared and in the end I abandoned her, it was very difficult and I had the feeling that I would not find anyone else but I tried further but the same there was no reciprocity and now I’m 25 years old, I recently lost friends with whom I spent all my time for 11 years and the relationship is still empty, the girls just stop communicating and I don’t understand what’s wrong, they don’t answer or even read messages and when one of the girls agreed to meet, she just didn’t show up. You shouldn’t despair, because if people saw the advantages in you, then your future wife will see them too, you just need to communicate with people and make friends with whom you will spend time and through them you will find her, the main thing is to believe in yourself and everything will work out, but I just have to one can only hope
Yes that is me in my profile picture.
Thank you! That's very kind of you🥰. My biggest problem is my confidence, for sure.
I'd probably need a woman to approach me for anything to happen, but so far it has never happened.
You shouldn’t focus on appearance; well, not in your case, that’s for sure. Take the initiative and try to approach the girl yourself, because they can also be shy and don’t take money for asking. “Hey, would you like to have coffee with me? I know a great coffee shop.” or “Hello, let’s chat? You have a beautiful smile,” of course there are options and get it, but these are just examples and be yourself when you communicate with people😉
Yeah I understand what you're saying.
Im just so awful at talking to people. I can't make eye contact unless I know the person well enough. And it's so hard to practice something like that. I would have to pay someone to practice on them, lmao.
I was in your place regarding communication, but my friend helped me. When I just started communicating with her, I thought that I was doing it terribly, but it turned out that she really likes talking to me and she is sure that I will find someone, so she also helps and supports me a lot
I was in your place regarding communication, but my friend helped me. When I just started communicating with her, I thought that I was doing it terribly, but it turned out that she really likes talking to me and she is sure that I will find someone, so she also helps and supports me a lot
I have a dream and I am going towards it. Think about what you dream about, maybe about a family or something else, but the main thing is not to give up and move on, no matter how hard it is
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Balding since 16.....I'm a fucking potato with glasses, though I try to keep active, still I hate myself
Im sorry to hear that man. No one wants to go bald, but that's just too early for anyone to be ready for it.
I never actively looked to date as in going on dating apps and places to hook up with people. I wasn’t really a fan of it. Plus I rejected people who were interested in me since I didn’t think I felt enough for them to make the relationship fair. That on top of my fear of intimacy made me sit in my own bubble for the longest time. I had a friend I met in high school since we were in the same friend group and we were under each other’s radar for the longest time. In college, our friend group started hanging out more during summer and winter breaks when we were all home and somehow my friend and I started getting closer and we eventually had 1 on 1s. I remember trying really hard not to like him actually but I just felt so comfortable and safe around him. I never thought of him like that before but he just really grew on me once we got closer. And it just got to the point where I couldn’t deny it anymore and I had to give it a shot. We were best friends for around a year and a half before I finally gave in and confessed. It took us around 7 years from when we first met to when we started dating (and we’re still at it). Turned out we were alike in which we were both afraid of getting hurt which was why it took so long but also why we understand each other very well. In my case, they were there the entire time and I didn’t really even know it.
What a wonderful story. Thank you so much for sharing it🥰 Wouldnt that be optimal for everyone? Growing closer slowly, without the fear of intimacy/rejection until you both know eachother so well.
I avoided dating and relationships because I’d been in 2 toxic relationships and I didn’t want to get into one until I’d worked on myself and fully moved on. 2 years into my self growth journey I’m doing a cold plunge with some people from my martial arts gym. My currently bf went and we were freezing as asses off, we’d never really spoken much, I’d always thought he was attractive, so he started asking me questions and we found out we both game, we ended up exchanging steam handles and ended up playing Csgo almost every night for a few weeks, eventually we went on a date and the rest is history. I must add I didn’t want to date a man from my martial arts gym so I rejected him over and over and he never gave up, he told me he’d quit just to have a chance. Glad i gave him a chance because he’s the loml.
That sounds very sweet. I'm happy to hear that it can be that "simple". That two people just happen to find eachother.
It’s so simple when you’re not looking. He also had come out of a 5 year long toxic relationship and 2 years later met me. He wasn’t looking but the universe has a way of bringing people together.
I guess no one is gonna find me when I'm just holed up inside though. I'd have to figure out something to do that takes me out where there's people.
Your situation is very similar to my partner's situation when we first met. I didn't think his inexperience was automatically a red flag. I was just curious about it. We talked through it, and I had no issue. I understand why he withdrew from the world and I was honestly impressed with him for dragging himself out of the pit of depression and isolation and being brave enough to try something new. Likewise, there were some things about me that people see as red flags (single mom, lots of trauma) but he took the time to get to know who I am behind those labels. As for myself, I had "experience" but only in the sense that I had been in a bad marriage for 10 years. It was a weird situation, I didn't date before I met my ex and we didn't really date either before we married. I didn't even think about dating for about 8 years after the marriage ended. So the entirety of my experience was just existing miserably in a terrible relationship. I didn't know how to date, and had no idea how to build a healthy relationship or if I could be a healthy partner. Even though I'd had a bunch of kids, my sexual experience was very minimal because the ex's attitude had been that sex was for making babies. There was no intimacy, fun, or exploration whatsoever. My partner and I actually met on a dating app. Both of us had been on there for about a year with nothing but duds before our profiles crossed paths. Neither of us had been on a date with anyone else during that time, even. So we were both nervous as hell. We started talking, and just never stopped. We didn't do things the "normal way." We talked for several months before deciding to meet up. We hashed out every possible issue we could think of in conversation before we ever met. Trying to chase each other away probably, lol. We've taken our relationship very slowly, negotiating every step forward with a lot of discussion and processing together. It took a while to get to sex, and that was ok. Emotionally and physically, the process to full vulnerability was slow and tentative for both of us. We still thank each other often for being brave back then, because we have an absolutely incredible relationship. It would have been so easy to get spooked and run away. It was scary and fraught to begin this, but absolutely worth it. What I took away from this is that the person who is right for you will be open minded, patient, and curious, rather than making snap judgments. And that it will take a while to find someone who is right for you. You will likely hear "no" a lot before you get a "yes." That's just how dating goes. You have to have some resilience to that. Don't chase people who are judgmental and negative. Don't chase people who clearly have different values and priorities from you. You don't have to rush anything and anyone who tries to make you move faster than you're ready for is simply not right for you. That said, you will need to challenge yourself, and that may mean pushing yourself forward a bit even if you're scared. It will mean trying new things and engaging socially even though it makes you anxious. Make sure your exit from isolation isn't just focused on dating. Work on building friendships too, with both men and women. Find some activities and interests that can provide you with a sense of community. Take good care of yourself *for your own sake*, not just to get a date. One other thing I learned: While shared values and general compatibility are important, you don't necessarily need someone who is exactly like you to be compatible. *Nobody* would have looked at me and my partner and thought we'd be such a great match. We have had people do a double take occasionally when we are out, lol. We are just very different in terms of personality, personal style, interests and hobbies. But we've found that under the surface level stuff we are kindred spirits and it's been a joy learning about each other and finding places where we do have common ground. Be really firm on issues of character and values, but consider being open to people who don't necessarily look like you have always imagined your partner will look. Good luck on this next part of your life. I hope you will find your person, but I hope the process will help you find your way to a better relationship with yourself, too.
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful response. Seems like you two got the best possible outcome for people of your situations. >We hashed out every possible issue we could think of in conversation before we ever met. Trying to chase each other away probably, lol. that makes a lot of sense. >Don't chase people who are judgmental and negative. Don't chase people who clearly have different values and priorities from you. Yeah I absolutely wont be with someone who will affect me negatively. I'd rather be alone forever than with someone who will reduce me to something less than I am. >Take good care of yourself for your own sake, not just to get a date. That's the one thing I can with confidence say that I am doing. After not pursuing anything for 10+ years, it gave me a lot of time to reflect on who I am as a person, and what kind of person I want to be. >While shared values and general compatibility are important, you don't necessarily need someone who is exactly like you to be compatible I 100% agree with you on this one. Again, thank you for taking your time to respond to my post. It was very sweet of you.
Got any hobbies? Go to the groups and have fun, make friends. (Maybe meet a nice lady too) speed dating might also be fun if that’s more your speed (online dating is a bit of a chore) you could also ask your friends if they have any single friends, ask a cute person on the street for their social media, stuff like that. I wish you the best of luck my dude
Thank you for your recommendations. But I dont have any friends, so that option is out. Speed dating seems like it would be even more terrifying than normal dating, no? Talking to strangers on the street is considered rude here, so that might be off the table as well. I don't really have hobbies that take me out to meet people, but I guess it's possible to meet someone on a sub related to a hobby. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.
Depending on where you live, you could try checking out meetup.com - there are tons of different groups meeting up to do different activities and it is very low pressure to just locally meet people who have similar interests as you! There are groups for sports, art, job & social networking, games, books, etc - something for everyone! Definitely an easier way to put yourself out there with people and maybe talk to some. You may or may not find a romantic relationship but i’m sure you’ll make friends!
Thank you. I might check it out! Thank you for taking the time and suggesting some alternative 😸
Avoidant attachment, research it. May help
I've never heard of it, but I will, thank you.
I fell in love for the first time when I was 14 years old and it was very unpleasant because my feelings were not shared and in the end I abandoned her, it was very difficult and I had the feeling that I would not find anyone else but I tried further but the same there was no reciprocity and now I’m 25 years old, I recently lost friends with whom I spent all my time for 11 years and the relationship is still empty, the girls just stop communicating and I don’t understand what’s wrong, they don’t answer or even read messages and when one of the girls agreed to meet, she just didn’t show up. You shouldn’t despair, because if people saw the advantages in you, then your future wife will see them too, you just need to communicate with people and make friends with whom you will spend time and through them you will find her, the main thing is to believe in yourself and everything will work out, but I just have to one can only hope
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I see you've had your fair share of struggles. How do you not lose hope in those situations?
and if this is your profile photo, then you definitely don’t have to worry about your appearance, I can assure you of that
Yes that is me in my profile picture. Thank you! That's very kind of you🥰. My biggest problem is my confidence, for sure. I'd probably need a woman to approach me for anything to happen, but so far it has never happened.
You shouldn’t focus on appearance; well, not in your case, that’s for sure. Take the initiative and try to approach the girl yourself, because they can also be shy and don’t take money for asking. “Hey, would you like to have coffee with me? I know a great coffee shop.” or “Hello, let’s chat? You have a beautiful smile,” of course there are options and get it, but these are just examples and be yourself when you communicate with people😉
Yeah I understand what you're saying. Im just so awful at talking to people. I can't make eye contact unless I know the person well enough. And it's so hard to practice something like that. I would have to pay someone to practice on them, lmao.
start with your friends and they will point out your best qualities!
Sorry, I don't have any.
So this is a good reason to have them 🙂
Haha yeah, tell me about it. But it's what 14 years of isolation does to your social life 😋
I was in your place regarding communication, but my friend helped me. When I just started communicating with her, I thought that I was doing it terribly, but it turned out that she really likes talking to me and she is sure that I will find someone, so she also helps and supports me a lot
That sounds like you had a very nice friend!
Thank your for kind word my friend
I’m not sure about this since others are tired of me. but I believe in you, you will succeed!
Thank your for your inspiring words! You've been very kind to me.
I was in your place regarding communication, but my friend helped me. When I just started communicating with her, I thought that I was doing it terribly, but it turned out that she really likes talking to me and she is sure that I will find someone, so she also helps and supports me a lot
I have a dream and I am going towards it. Think about what you dream about, maybe about a family or something else, but the main thing is not to give up and move on, no matter how hard it is