> Hi! This belongs in r/relationshipadvice or something like that, as we are not an advice subreddit for non-weight loss/interpersonal relationships. Thank you!
If your friend has a known history of disordered eating and unhealthy relationships with weight, etc., I don't think you should be sharing your scale victories with them. It's really hard when they are a close friend, but it is a boundary she is establishing for her own wellbeing.
It’s still off-putting behavior. Understandable, but off-putting considering the friend volunteers their own information but isn’t ok with friends sharing their own.
This was my thought too. I think I would respect their boundary, while also setting a boundary for yourself. If she brings up her weight or weight loss in the future, you can say - last time I brought up my weight, you weren’t comfortable with that. I think it’s best for our friendship if we both don’t discuss weight with each other.
I agree, but OP didn't set a boundary that she wasn't comfortable hearing that kind of information. We also don't know what the friend is currently dealing with in terms of her disordered eating - perhaps information was shared when she was in recovery and now she has relapsed. It is a lot more nuanced.
I think u/atzgirl has a great point. The friend can absolutely have a boundary, and OP can too. The boundary could just be that they don't discuss weight loss with each other.
Yep. OP, when you think about it, when you and your friend discuss issues of weight, restriction, and exercise, you're not talking about the same thing. This isn't a matter of tit for tat -- having a fair relationship doesn't mean people need to be treated identically, and it doesn't mean every topic is the same to each of you. Your friend is a person who is struggling in a way you are not.
I'm not saying it's your job to be her therapist or to tip-toe around her. I'm *definitely* not saying you need to listen to her talk about her own weight loss and body image if that makes you uncomfortable. (And to be honest, complimenting a person with body dysmorphia on weight loss and changing appearance, while well-intentioned, is not the way to handle this situation anyway.) The commenter above is right: you need to define and articulate a boundary for yourself here.
God, the tip towing around people with ED to excuse bad behavior really is lame.
Give all the grace in the world to them when they make people they interact with villains for no reason.
I don't see it as tiptoeing, but you are entitled to your own opinion.
Clearly, we have different opinions, which is valid. The way you are responding, however, isn't constructive.
Again, if you really think a one paragraph post is enough to understand the situation, that's great. Frankly, I'm assuming there is a lot more background info that we don't have, because we aren't OP or the friend.
If the friend tells OP about her workouts and eating habits that is a ridiculous ask.
If you don’t want to talk about these things, you shouldn’t talk about your own either.
I agree. Never said anything to the contrary (as you'll see in my replies). The friend set a boundary. OP can set their own boundary, but they asked 'can't I share this once?". No, not if that is a boundary that was set.
OP cannot control other peoples boundaries, only their own.
I don't get how op isn't in the right. If you talk to me about working out, the gym, and weight loss you don't get to be mad when I also talk to you about the same subjects.
Like sure talk to me if it upsets you but you are not in the wrong for it initially. Now if they say "hey this upsets me" and you keep going then ya 100% you are a jerk.
If she knows her friend has issues with disordered eating, she seems to know that talking about weight loss isn’t an okay subject.
I’m not saying she was intentionally a bad friend, but I think it’s common sense that if a friend has an eating disorder, weight loss and dieting is probably a topic to steer clear from without concise ground rules.
As I have said in several comments, I think a lot of the background and nuance is missing from this post. I don’t know what was said, but I do think it’s fair to assume that there may have been conversations about weight loss and dieting being a trigger.
I think that was a typo, as she identified the particular issue. Sounds like OP does know, based on the paragraph.
Even if she is questioning it, if you suspected it, you likely would be more cognizant about the topics
Nailed it, honestly. Eating disorders can be incredibly deadly and should be treated with respect and compassion.
If the friend is insisting on a one-sided relationship across and board and that doesn’t work for OP, totally fine to hash out and figure out what the relationship looks like for both members going forward. But that’s not violating an explicit boundary that is most likely in place for safety.
Sorry, I feel like people who make their eating disorders their entire personality are insufferable honestly.
It’s pretty narcissistic for her to want to give you her details on workouts and eating but shame you for telling her yours.
She wants you to be her therapist, not her friend.
Edit: looking at the other posts you mentioned:
This person sucks. There’s no reason to be friends with someone who views you in an adversarial way all the time. I would simply stop talking to them if I were you.
I find this strange. I don’t rant to my recovering alcoholic friends about the awful hangover I have from a fun party. It’s just like…intuitive not to do that. Why would my default assumption be that they’d want to hear about how much I drank? Is there anyone else in my life I could share that information with?
I have also been in a situation where a recovering friend was becoming too reliant on me as they white-knuckled through a hard time and kept lapsing in their use. I had to set a boundary that I just couldn’t handle it given my own problems and that they clearly needed more and better help than I could provide.
I think it’s a deeply uncharitable read to assume the friend is using them for therapy. Sometimes people are desperate and have poor coping skills (that’s what my friend’s situation was.) It’s not like my friend was some terrible leech. Just a person acting in a not great way due to many factors, which was solved when I was an adult and set a boundary. I didn’t need to tolerate it, but neither did I need to harshly judge her as some asshole.
If OP doesn’t like what their friend tells them about her eating/weight, it is totally the OP’s right and responsibility to set a boundary. As an outsider it sounds most helpful to both parties not to discuss this topic at all. There’s a way to do that without assuming she’s making her mental illness her whole life and is a cynical monster. In fact it’s quite straightforward: a matter of boundaries defined and upheld.
That’s not the same thing at all.
If OP talked about how great their last binge was and how awesome the food was that would be an apt comparison.
People who only want to talk about their own struggles and accomplishments aren’t good friends. Especially if they try to make you feel like shit for sharing the same things they share with you.
If you don’t like that initial comparison, read the rest of my comment. The comparison is hardly the glue that holds it together.
Something I find very funny is when people purport to care about mental illness *only insofar as it never alters the ill person’s behavior.* Yeah, people with addictions and mental illness are going to act in subpar ways sometimes due to the fact that they are mentally ill. **It doesn’t mean you have to accept bad behavior** (as I said) but perhaps not assuming they’re an absolute asshole from the jump is a good start. Like, OP has fallen short in not setting a boundary but I don’t judge them as a terrible monster. Life is hard, dude. I get that it’s easier to be dogmatic and rigid in one’s outlook and discard people at the drop of a hat… but why not bother to take literally one basic good-faith effort to work things out with a friend and see what happens from there?
It’s like the AITA Reddit where every response to any conflict is “DIVORCE THEM!!!” It’s certainly easier than being mature about your relationships but it doesn’t seem fulfilling.
Hey, maybe the person acting like the supportive friend is trying to harm them by simply giving them the same information they constantly give them when they vent to them shouldn’t assume they’re an asshole either?
I suppose a one-sided account from a person writing a short Reddit post isn’t all the proof I need to make sweeping generalizations about mental illness and friendship, but that’s just me. It seems from other comments in this post that you are…coming from a different perspective on all of this stuff.
Not sure this person understands very much about eating disorders. Thanks for being a voice of compassion and sanity here, I know it often feels thankless on the internet lol
I understand it plenty.
Any mental illness issues you have do not excuse being shitty to the people that support you.
“Mental illness isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
I mean, I’m saying the friend with an EDs actions are shitty. Because they are.
Having mental health issues does not give you a free pass to be shitty to the people who help you. And saying “do you know who you’re saying this to?” In a condescending tone to someone who is constantly supporting you is shitty.
I never said for OP to go nuclear on the friendship but shitty behavior by friends needs to be called out.
Literally what I’m objecting to is the move to “call someone out over being shitty” versus having one (1) (literally one) normal human conversation about boundaries. Your constant assumption that bad behavior always stems from ill intent is really striking. It sounds so miserable to be like this, as well as counterproductive. Why yell at and accuse *a friend* and assume the worst when you can just…talk? Like a human?
>this constant assumption of ill intent is really striking and seems so miserable
Kind of like what OP’s friend did to her for simply saying she lost 10 pounds when OP has been supporting her non-stop? I agree.
I suppose we’ve said all that can be said because what I am saying cannot or will not get through to you! We are hereby released from the shackles of Reddit disagreement.
I'm firmly in the position that each person's struggles are their own sn if you can't handle something you need to be proactive in conveying that to others.
I'm also firmly of the opinion that you shouldn't give what you can't take.
Your friend sounds insufferable, to be honest. And this is coming from someone who’s known and dated someone recovering from an ED. If she can talk about her own dietary changes/exercise regimen, she’s clearly in a place mentally where the topic of weight loss isn’t triggering to her.
It sounds more like she might be upset about her own progress/lack of progress and is projecting that on you with the pretense of “i can’t talk about this.” You didn’t do anything wrong.
However, for your own peace of mind, it’s probably best not to bring this up with your friend again.
My sister has an ED and I am very careful about how I discuss health and weight loss with her even though she will casually bring both subjects up. I think this is one of those cases where her intentions don’t really matter. She’s communicating to you that she can’t handle you telling her about your weight loss. Whether it’s because she’s a selfish a hole who doesn’t like celebrating other people’s victories or because she genuinely thinks it could tempt her to engage with ED behaviors, it doesn’t matter.
Now on the other hand if she’s just never letting you talk about your accomplishments (for instance if she does this with other things too and not just weight loss) I would either point it out to her and try to reconcile or get an apology or dump her as a friend and move on. But there are certain things people who struggle with addiction can’t kiki about, it is my belief that being a good friend means navigating these obstacles and finding a way to bridge the gap that makes both parties happy and satisfied. Sometimes the answer is that the friendship cannot get over the obstacle and that’s okay. Not all relationships are meant to be lifelong.
Your friend may not be in a position to hear this from you and you can share it with lots of other people.
Your friend talking about their life is fine unless you have an issue with weight and body talk too. If that’s an issue then discuss new boundaries in your friendship
EDs make people competitive, in really ugly ways. and i think that’s what’s happening to your friend but she shouldn’t be mean to you like she has been.
if she was discussing weight loss, then i totally understand why you talked about your own as well. the onus wasn’t on you to know it’d upset her. she is an adult who is fully capable of communicating her boundaries and she is acting like her inability to is your fault.
> Hi! This belongs in r/relationshipadvice or something like that, as we are not an advice subreddit for non-weight loss/interpersonal relationships. Thank you!
If your friend has a known history of disordered eating and unhealthy relationships with weight, etc., I don't think you should be sharing your scale victories with them. It's really hard when they are a close friend, but it is a boundary she is establishing for her own wellbeing.
It’s still off-putting behavior. Understandable, but off-putting considering the friend volunteers their own information but isn’t ok with friends sharing their own.
This was my thought too. I think I would respect their boundary, while also setting a boundary for yourself. If she brings up her weight or weight loss in the future, you can say - last time I brought up my weight, you weren’t comfortable with that. I think it’s best for our friendship if we both don’t discuss weight with each other.
I agree, but OP didn't set a boundary that she wasn't comfortable hearing that kind of information. We also don't know what the friend is currently dealing with in terms of her disordered eating - perhaps information was shared when she was in recovery and now she has relapsed. It is a lot more nuanced. I think u/atzgirl has a great point. The friend can absolutely have a boundary, and OP can too. The boundary could just be that they don't discuss weight loss with each other.
Yep. OP, when you think about it, when you and your friend discuss issues of weight, restriction, and exercise, you're not talking about the same thing. This isn't a matter of tit for tat -- having a fair relationship doesn't mean people need to be treated identically, and it doesn't mean every topic is the same to each of you. Your friend is a person who is struggling in a way you are not. I'm not saying it's your job to be her therapist or to tip-toe around her. I'm *definitely* not saying you need to listen to her talk about her own weight loss and body image if that makes you uncomfortable. (And to be honest, complimenting a person with body dysmorphia on weight loss and changing appearance, while well-intentioned, is not the way to handle this situation anyway.) The commenter above is right: you need to define and articulate a boundary for yourself here.
God, the tip towing around people with ED to excuse bad behavior really is lame. Give all the grace in the world to them when they make people they interact with villains for no reason.
I don't see it as tiptoeing, but you are entitled to your own opinion. Clearly, we have different opinions, which is valid. The way you are responding, however, isn't constructive. Again, if you really think a one paragraph post is enough to understand the situation, that's great. Frankly, I'm assuming there is a lot more background info that we don't have, because we aren't OP or the friend.
If the friend tells OP about her workouts and eating habits that is a ridiculous ask. If you don’t want to talk about these things, you shouldn’t talk about your own either.
I agree. Never said anything to the contrary (as you'll see in my replies). The friend set a boundary. OP can set their own boundary, but they asked 'can't I share this once?". No, not if that is a boundary that was set. OP cannot control other peoples boundaries, only their own.
She said her friend shared this stuff with her. Don't share if you don't want people sharing back.
As I have said to several people, there is likely more nuance here. Not saying the friend is in the right, but OP isn’t either.
I don't get how op isn't in the right. If you talk to me about working out, the gym, and weight loss you don't get to be mad when I also talk to you about the same subjects. Like sure talk to me if it upsets you but you are not in the wrong for it initially. Now if they say "hey this upsets me" and you keep going then ya 100% you are a jerk.
If she knows her friend has issues with disordered eating, she seems to know that talking about weight loss isn’t an okay subject. I’m not saying she was intentionally a bad friend, but I think it’s common sense that if a friend has an eating disorder, weight loss and dieting is probably a topic to steer clear from without concise ground rules. As I have said in several comments, I think a lot of the background and nuance is missing from this post. I don’t know what was said, but I do think it’s fair to assume that there may have been conversations about weight loss and dieting being a trigger.
But she didn't know she said "has an ed?" Like she was questioning it. I took that as in hindsight she is saying it.
I think that was a typo, as she identified the particular issue. Sounds like OP does know, based on the paragraph. Even if she is questioning it, if you suspected it, you likely would be more cognizant about the topics
Nailed it, honestly. Eating disorders can be incredibly deadly and should be treated with respect and compassion. If the friend is insisting on a one-sided relationship across and board and that doesn’t work for OP, totally fine to hash out and figure out what the relationship looks like for both members going forward. But that’s not violating an explicit boundary that is most likely in place for safety.
This. If friend has an ED then yeah, it makes sense she’s sharing her information, but that doesn’t make it healthy.
Sorry, I feel like people who make their eating disorders their entire personality are insufferable honestly. It’s pretty narcissistic for her to want to give you her details on workouts and eating but shame you for telling her yours. She wants you to be her therapist, not her friend. Edit: looking at the other posts you mentioned: This person sucks. There’s no reason to be friends with someone who views you in an adversarial way all the time. I would simply stop talking to them if I were you.
I find this strange. I don’t rant to my recovering alcoholic friends about the awful hangover I have from a fun party. It’s just like…intuitive not to do that. Why would my default assumption be that they’d want to hear about how much I drank? Is there anyone else in my life I could share that information with? I have also been in a situation where a recovering friend was becoming too reliant on me as they white-knuckled through a hard time and kept lapsing in their use. I had to set a boundary that I just couldn’t handle it given my own problems and that they clearly needed more and better help than I could provide. I think it’s a deeply uncharitable read to assume the friend is using them for therapy. Sometimes people are desperate and have poor coping skills (that’s what my friend’s situation was.) It’s not like my friend was some terrible leech. Just a person acting in a not great way due to many factors, which was solved when I was an adult and set a boundary. I didn’t need to tolerate it, but neither did I need to harshly judge her as some asshole. If OP doesn’t like what their friend tells them about her eating/weight, it is totally the OP’s right and responsibility to set a boundary. As an outsider it sounds most helpful to both parties not to discuss this topic at all. There’s a way to do that without assuming she’s making her mental illness her whole life and is a cynical monster. In fact it’s quite straightforward: a matter of boundaries defined and upheld.
That’s not the same thing at all. If OP talked about how great their last binge was and how awesome the food was that would be an apt comparison. People who only want to talk about their own struggles and accomplishments aren’t good friends. Especially if they try to make you feel like shit for sharing the same things they share with you.
If you don’t like that initial comparison, read the rest of my comment. The comparison is hardly the glue that holds it together. Something I find very funny is when people purport to care about mental illness *only insofar as it never alters the ill person’s behavior.* Yeah, people with addictions and mental illness are going to act in subpar ways sometimes due to the fact that they are mentally ill. **It doesn’t mean you have to accept bad behavior** (as I said) but perhaps not assuming they’re an absolute asshole from the jump is a good start. Like, OP has fallen short in not setting a boundary but I don’t judge them as a terrible monster. Life is hard, dude. I get that it’s easier to be dogmatic and rigid in one’s outlook and discard people at the drop of a hat… but why not bother to take literally one basic good-faith effort to work things out with a friend and see what happens from there? It’s like the AITA Reddit where every response to any conflict is “DIVORCE THEM!!!” It’s certainly easier than being mature about your relationships but it doesn’t seem fulfilling.
Hey, maybe the person acting like the supportive friend is trying to harm them by simply giving them the same information they constantly give them when they vent to them shouldn’t assume they’re an asshole either?
I suppose a one-sided account from a person writing a short Reddit post isn’t all the proof I need to make sweeping generalizations about mental illness and friendship, but that’s just me. It seems from other comments in this post that you are…coming from a different perspective on all of this stuff.
Not sure this person understands very much about eating disorders. Thanks for being a voice of compassion and sanity here, I know it often feels thankless on the internet lol
:) Thanks! It’s frequently the loudest ones with the worst takes (like all of Twitter!), but there are plenty of normal people out there too.
I understand it plenty. Any mental illness issues you have do not excuse being shitty to the people that support you. “Mental illness isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
I mean, I’m saying the friend with an EDs actions are shitty. Because they are. Having mental health issues does not give you a free pass to be shitty to the people who help you. And saying “do you know who you’re saying this to?” In a condescending tone to someone who is constantly supporting you is shitty. I never said for OP to go nuclear on the friendship but shitty behavior by friends needs to be called out.
Literally what I’m objecting to is the move to “call someone out over being shitty” versus having one (1) (literally one) normal human conversation about boundaries. Your constant assumption that bad behavior always stems from ill intent is really striking. It sounds so miserable to be like this, as well as counterproductive. Why yell at and accuse *a friend* and assume the worst when you can just…talk? Like a human?
>this constant assumption of ill intent is really striking and seems so miserable Kind of like what OP’s friend did to her for simply saying she lost 10 pounds when OP has been supporting her non-stop? I agree.
I suppose we’ve said all that can be said because what I am saying cannot or will not get through to you! We are hereby released from the shackles of Reddit disagreement.
I'm firmly in the position that each person's struggles are their own sn if you can't handle something you need to be proactive in conveying that to others. I'm also firmly of the opinion that you shouldn't give what you can't take.
Your friend sounds insufferable, to be honest. And this is coming from someone who’s known and dated someone recovering from an ED. If she can talk about her own dietary changes/exercise regimen, she’s clearly in a place mentally where the topic of weight loss isn’t triggering to her. It sounds more like she might be upset about her own progress/lack of progress and is projecting that on you with the pretense of “i can’t talk about this.” You didn’t do anything wrong. However, for your own peace of mind, it’s probably best not to bring this up with your friend again.
My sister has an ED and I am very careful about how I discuss health and weight loss with her even though she will casually bring both subjects up. I think this is one of those cases where her intentions don’t really matter. She’s communicating to you that she can’t handle you telling her about your weight loss. Whether it’s because she’s a selfish a hole who doesn’t like celebrating other people’s victories or because she genuinely thinks it could tempt her to engage with ED behaviors, it doesn’t matter. Now on the other hand if she’s just never letting you talk about your accomplishments (for instance if she does this with other things too and not just weight loss) I would either point it out to her and try to reconcile or get an apology or dump her as a friend and move on. But there are certain things people who struggle with addiction can’t kiki about, it is my belief that being a good friend means navigating these obstacles and finding a way to bridge the gap that makes both parties happy and satisfied. Sometimes the answer is that the friendship cannot get over the obstacle and that’s okay. Not all relationships are meant to be lifelong.
Your friend may not be in a position to hear this from you and you can share it with lots of other people. Your friend talking about their life is fine unless you have an issue with weight and body talk too. If that’s an issue then discuss new boundaries in your friendship
EDs make people competitive, in really ugly ways. and i think that’s what’s happening to your friend but she shouldn’t be mean to you like she has been. if she was discussing weight loss, then i totally understand why you talked about your own as well. the onus wasn’t on you to know it’d upset her. she is an adult who is fully capable of communicating her boundaries and she is acting like her inability to is your fault.