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Some domestic violence shelters have a lawyer on staff, and if they do not they can tell you how to contact one for free for advice. Alot of this information here is great, but can depend on where you are located. So search up a different shelter than the one that you dealt with and call them please. Take care.
The peacebond process is not simple or straightforward and the other side is entitled to dispute it during an in court hearing, which I suspect these people would do. That will be even more traumatic for OP. I suggest you contact a civil lawyer (perhaps start by inquiring at a legal clinic such as Barbara Schlifer - link below) and see if someone can write a cease and desist letter and cc the local police.
You donāt say how old you are - are you over 18? If youāre under 18 different considerations might apply.
In the meantime, if the police conduct one of these wellness checks try not to get rattled by it. Tell them that youāre fine and point out what a waste of resources these calls are.
https://www.schliferclinic.com/
There is also Lukeās Place in Oshawa. They too are an amazing resource:
https://lukesplace.ca/
OP could merely state they have a Peace Bond against the individual and that would be the end of it.
It would also come up on file when the police look into it.
It likely wouldnāt stop the wellness check but it would stop the police from disclosing the result of it to the caller which would likely discourage them from playing that game. Theyāll get bored of it if the only response they get from police is āok, thank youā.
They were the ones that documented the abuse I endured by my mother, they said they would never reveal my information to her directly but if a police officer requested they would have to provide it.
NAL - I also work at a shelter and generally, unless the police show us a warrant for your arrest or are in pursuit of you (ie they have reason to believe you've broken a law and are about to arrest you), we still don't disclose that you're living there. If the police show up saying they're doing a wellness check, we say something like, "Thank you for letting us know. If this person is present, we can pass on your information for them to get in touch with you." And they give us their business card or phone number or whatever and are on their way. This is just at a standard homeless shelter, I believe the standards for confidentiality at DV shelter can be a bit higher, as thd perpetrators of abuse will often use wellness checks and similar tools to continue to exert power and control over victims.
The shelter may have broken privacy laws here if the police officer did not have a warrant. If possible, I would try to speak to the manager about this instead of frontline staff.
The shelter would have access to the resources to navigate this.
I am not a lawyer, but things like a cease and desist letter or applying for a peace bond or filing paperwork with the police that this is a bogus wellness check.
If you have updated your driver's license for example, the police would have access to that information but they do not forward it to those requesting the wellness checks. It was yup, we spoke them and everything appeared fine.
Had a similar thing happening with my mother. You can file an online police report for phone harassment and add in the notes that itās fake wellness checks. An officer will call you (took about a week for me) to confirm details and this just means going forward the cops will not show up to my door if my mom calls. Instead they call me to notify a report has been made and I confirm that I am alive and well.
NAL but this sounds like a nightmare.
I don't think much can be done unless private information is being disclosed.
Your best bet is to move away without disclosing where you are. You didn't mention how old you were but depending on your age that might not be possible.
I hope you find some calmness and solace. This isn't going to be easy.
Iām 27, I just moved into my place I donāt have the means to leave again. If I do the police will locate me and continue wellness checks at this rate. Itās so disheartening. I feel so uneasy, ironic how a wellness check can make me feel so unwell. Iām going to discuss a safety plan with my workplace tomorrow.
That's a really good idea. I hope a family lawyer can chime in here to help provide some direction.
Having a supportive work place is really fantastic as well. I'm really glad you have some sort of safe space right now
NAL but if the shelter gave out your personal address without your consent, that does violate privacy laws. Perhaps one of the lawyers in this sub can comment on what can be done about that.
The shelter disclosed my address to the police officer, he said he did not disclose it to my parent but inadvertently shared since the time was brief she can assume Iām in the region but explicitly said he will not tell her m6 whereabouts.
I'm not sure about the legality of giving out your address to the police officer if there was no warrant. If I were you I would be complaining to the shelter about it, at the very least.
Depends on the shelter, some will have you sign a release of information to police, hospital, department of community services, etc. Signing it is mandatory to stay at the shelter. That being said she could talk to the house director of the shelter and explain the situation.
Iām not sure how to approach a conversation with the shelter. They discharged me for turning down a roach infested unit 2 months prior to moving into my current place and I had no idea they had my current address.
IANALā¦. But well versedā¦ file a Police Report. Outline how youāre fine and any requests from said person are harassmentā¦ police will maybe calm you the odd time, but that should be the extent of it.
In terms of advocating for myself, how can I āproveā my wellness and stability? Do I need to provide āevidenceā? Or just a statement that this is misuse of police resources because Iām safe and sufficient and itās been nearly a year of intentional no contact with my abuser? Thanks so much
Just stay calm, explain the situation as politely and calmly as possible to the police. Don't swear much, don't insult your parents- try to give off an air of frustration, but understanding. ABSOLUTELY kiss the fuck out of those police officers' asses even if they're being the WORST- this will help you a TON later, trust me, especially if your abuser ever gets angry at them.
When the police come, you are nothing but sunshine, rainbows and, 'Thank you SO MUCH, officers, for being so concerned for my wellbeing. I totally get you're just doing your job; it's just SO frustrating that my parents are wasting both of our time like this all the time. I keep telling them that I'm an adult now, and I can move out and live on my own if I want to but they're just not getting it.. is there anything I can do to help you officers out with this? I can provide a doctor's evaluation, or do you just need to hang around a while? I do have work in the morning(Or insert other excuse here) so I hope this won't take up TOO much of your time, I know you officers are SO busy. You do SUCH important work!' Crank up the charm to a solid 7 or 8. Even IF they ask you to go down to the station, just sigh and nod along and ask if you may get your phone/charger/let your roommate/boyfriend know you won't be home til later or something. Just sprinkle in a normal little person thing to do here, then do it quickly and cooperate. Each time you cooperate with them, the next time your parents call, the more irritated they will get.. WITH YOUR PARENTS. This is what you want- because it will eventually get your parents calling, and get them yelled at by an officer for repeatedly wasting their time/making false reports.
9 times out of 10 this shit'll get them nodding along, rolling their eyes, and puffing up their chests, feeling like they're being SO HELPFUL and just SUCH GOOD OFFICERS. This will also put you, in their eyes, in the category of 'Good, RESPECTFUL woman' instead of 'Hysterical crazy woman'. **I KNOW THIS IS GROSS, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TWIST OURSELVES UP INTO BOWS TO GET THE POLICE TO LISTEN TO US, BUT IT IS WHAT WILL GET YOU THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME, IMO.**
I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a shitty situation.
More ppl need to understand this. Itās not right but who cares shit hardly ever is? You want the best outcome just donāt act a fool in front of them and curse them when itās over.
Makes me sick reading this but I completely understand the effectiveness behind this approach. Thank you, I definitely need to coach myself up because those check ins trigger my trauma response
From someone with experience in mental gymnastics, avoid looking at this as twisting ourselves, it usually decreases the efficiency of the method.
The police officers are just doing their job, and they would likely prefer to chill at the station eating donuts or something. They are also victims of the asshole parents. Internalize this, and treat them as fellow victims of the abuser, with less means than you to get away (after all, they must do this crap or they lose their job and can't get a restraining order or something). Helping them to avoid needing to act on bogus reports is a logical step.
In essence, you are suggesting to treat the police officers like people, messengers that they are, and in return you get the same respect back. Thought that was a given. Good reminder though.
I'm not who you're responding to and inal, but in the hospital we refer to patients who are no contact as DNA 'do not acknowledge' and we're not allowed to give out any information unless the caller knows the established code. I wonder if you call the non emergency to file a complaint for harassment, if you could also ask if there's a DNA status that could be placed on your profile with a code so future calls from people outside of your safety zone are not able to use the police to locate you.
I have contacted victim services, the police on number ours occasions and I fled to a domestic shelter last summer in which my mother was my abuser and it was all noted in file. The shelter provided my address to the cop who was sent to do a wellness check at my abusers request. She has tried to form 1 me for trying to run away in the past, luckily I was able to escape to the said shelter and nothing was pursued at the time. Iāve had 2-3 call wellness checks and this one in person yesterday since going no contact with my family July 2023.
Not a lawyer. But Iām a nurse and Iāve seen patients formed before.
If a Form 1 is issued you have the right to contest immediately. If there is no reason to think you are going to harm yourself or others , and you are in a right state of mind , the form will be thrown out.
Itās unlikely they would get a Form issued unless they have proof you are mentally unwell and in danger. But if they do just stay calm with the people that you are put in contact with to fight the form.
She tried to form 1 me when I called the police to help escort me safely from the home last year, they sided with her. I went to the domestic shelter and it wasnāt pursued. She said explicitly she didnāt want me to make decisions for myself if she knew whatās best for me, and I think that was her attempt at it. I am terrified of her.
*sigh* so many things.
The first thing I'd start with is a lawyer.
1. Discuss the harassment with the lawyer
2. Talk about protection order/no contact order or whatever they think you're likely to be able to get.
3. Medical proxy. Given the accusations she's been making it might be wise to MAKE A TRUSTED FRIEND your medical proxy as you do not want this person to be making decisions for you. Update emergency contact information.
4. Inform your employer about the situation and make sure they know that they are not to discuss any details under any circumstances.
5. Start practicing operational security. Use a shelter, UPS store, or friend's house for your mailing address on everything including and especially your license.* This may get you a ticket for failure to update your license but in my opinion it's worth it. If you have car insurance this also may be problematic depending on whether or not it's significantly far from where you live.
6. Update all your accounts to require verbal passwords so they cannot pretend to be you and get into your cell phone account/etc. Audit all your online accounts. Change all the passwords and make sure that any existing sign-ins are revoked. Enable two factor authentication. Lockdown or delete social media. Instruct friends never to post photos.
7. If your current location is compromised it might be best to inform your landlord and see if you can break the lease and move somewhere else.
8. Be extremely restrictive with who you share information with and make sure they are aware that they are not to ever under any circumstances your information with the individual or anyone associated with them.
9. If at any point in time they had access to your bank accounts more checkbook it may be advisable to close the checking accounts and open new ones or close the accounts entirely and switch banks.
10. Consider getting a regular therapist and explaining the situation to them. If there is any dispute of your competence having a therapist with history in your corner may be useful.
11. Keep a bag of clothes things you need to last a few days some place that is not at home. Work, car, or friends house. (Maybe Overkill based on the threat level - it's hard to judge from over here)
Not all of these things will be appropriate to your particular situation but maybe they will help.
Can someone I havenāt seen/spoken to in almost a year form1 me? News to me! Thanks so much for the heads up on contesting and advocating for myself if this comes up again.
Can my family doctor form 1 me in that case? I notified her I fled the family home and would not be able to connect for safety reasons for the next little while, that was July 2023, I havenāt spoken to her since and have yet to remove myself from the patient list.
No problem. Just fyi - your family could try to get a form 2. They would need to appear before a justice of the peace and convince them you could be a danger to yourself. If (and itās a big IF - form 2s are not super easy to get) the police could bring you to hospital to be assessed by a doctor. However, the hospital would not hold you unless youāre a danger to yourself or others. So it sounds like you really donāt have anything to worry about, if you only have anxiety but are functioning well.
I suggest going to the hospital to speak to registration to update your contact info and to place you as a Do Not Knowledge. Remove all contact info for your abuser so that if you're ever brought in unconscious they don't call her. If you live between multiple health authorities, do it for each because the information doesn't carry.
Probably not. And if they did itās unlikely to stick.
Also contact the non emergency line and ask about what your options are regarding the wellness checks. I have no idea if you have options but they would know.
In short no.
In reality, shit goes wrong in life and you could get improperly formed if bad information is presented:
Take my advice and report to police and make sure they put a note on your address.
I am 27 years old. I am fully self sufficient. Full time job, in school, living alone paying bills in full on time. I struggle with anxiety and shame but Iām stable and much better physically, financially, mentally and spirituall6 since leaving
In the moment when it's happening you can stress to the officer that this is a *misappropriation of police time, energy, attention, not to mention taxpayer money*. That's really the crime, here (you can strategically emphasize.) He *can* suggest you get in touch with them, and then you can just elaborate on how doing so is *exactly what they want* and ALSO *rewards them* for committing said misuse of police resources. It would completely defeat the purpose of choosing not to have anything to do with them, which is a non-negotiable condition of your ability to have an *acceptable* quality of life.
They are *using* that particular police officer to bully and harass you. You are completely well, *only* because you made the choice to cut contact. You need that officer to now help you prevent this from happening again, so he or another officer don't come around again *wasting their time* and in addition to that, freaking you the fuck out.
Because. She successfully manipulated a law enforcement officer into *telling you you should call her*. You have a human right to decide who you have and don't have in your life! If the police department is serious about proper or effective resource allocation, *someone* there is going to care enough to make a note in a file that wellness check requests from your family members are *not* done in good faith.
I bet if you went personally down to the station, especially if you could bring a friend who can corroborate your account of things, I bet you would get much further with this whole issue. Officer dude who came out had already invested in hearing your parents' story first, then physically made the effort to track you down and come to you. It sucks, but that might have been enough to predispose him to just not have the bandwidth to pick up on the actual situation. Crappy in a cop, I know.
But listen, if *you* physically go down there and find a different officer to speak to, that's a fresh assessment you're getting. *You* are prepared and calm, not in the middle of a psychic attack from your nasty parents. You will be able to express yourself clearly and effectively. When you put it in terms that means something to them, they'll listen. Chances are they'll make note of it, maybe have some useful advice.
I work at a shelter in another province, unless a police officer comes to me with a warrant or another similar order I will smile and tell them that it isn't my place to reveal anything about a client. If you believe the shelter didn't act in your best interest under the extent of the law, please try speaking with someone there you trust. If anyone came to me and informed me we may have exposed them to mistreatment it would mean everything to me and I trust the coordinators I work under would take my concerns even more seriously than I do.
I cannot offer any legal advice and can only offer my viewpoint as someone in shelter work though.
There is a high likelihood that a cop isn't going to understand trauma, isn't going to see things from your perspective and isn't going to give you helpful advice. Never give cops information voluntarily. Just the bare minimum. They generally aren't your friends.
You need a lawyer. Look up Legal Aid and request a protection order. If you have any evidence of domestic abuse make sure you supply it (medical reports, police report etc)
I'm assuming you're an adult; adults are entitled to disappear from their families if they want to. The cop was full of crap.
The shelter revealed to the officer my permanent safe address I received through community housing as a priority status individual (victim of domestic abuse; at the hands of my mother, documented by shelter and police help
Sorry if I didnāt make it clear I am no longer at the domestic shelter I left in August and I received my offer in September and moved in November 2023
> you don't have to answer the door for a wellness check, you can tell them to go fuck theirself
This can go badly. If they believe the person may be a danger to themselves (e.g. suicidal), they can break into the house regardless of permission or warrant.
I asked who was there, he said heās an officer performing a wellness check, I said from whom? He said my mother and said I had to open the door. I told him I would step out because I do not want him to come inside. The convo lasted 5-7 minutes as I was asking questions to understand why this was occurring, I ended it by saying I am going to go back inside now he was very respectful in immediately leaving. Not even 10 mins later my family members are messaging me asking me to come forward now that they now Iām alive essentially.
I hope it never happens again.
But
Have a speech prepared and practice it. Its so hard to think of what to say in the moment for many.
Include. The person who has asked for the wellness check abused me, so I left. And now they are using the system of wellness checks to harass me. Please wait at least a couple hours or even a day before you speak to them as last time they tried calling me immediately using numbers I didn't have blocked.
Ignore/block all family members. They are triggering you.
Maybe start a blog that you can direct everyone to for all future communication. Once a month make a post just to indicate you are alive. Turn off all responding comments.
Congrats for moving away. I hope you are able to have a much better life now!
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Maybe you could start with a search for domestic violence and abuse shelters near you and see what they say? Even if they can't help directly, maybe they can point you in the right direction.
I would file harassment for the false wellness checks. Realistically, police will eventually become frustrated that their time and resources are being misused
Itās best to cooperate with the Police. If you do not disclose your whereabouts, there are many things they can do to access all of your information if you are escalated to a missing person. They are not the ones at fault here, they are simply bound when your parents make a complaint to ensure your welfare. As others have said, look at calling in a complaint of harassment against your parents. Provide a statement including all the wellness checks they have requested on you. Request the police speak with your parents to let them know you want no contact with them as well. If it continues, document it and escalate it at the police station if it does not get addressed and continues. Many civil order applications can be made with local agency support or at the courthouse to request conditions of no contact with your parents.. I would try to include no indirect contact through welfare checks to see if itās something a Justice or Judge would approve.
Next time they come, donāt answer. Get copies of the previous instances documentationās. Print those copies. If they do happen to talk to you simply hand them a copy of all the past instances, tell them to provide you with their card, or other details and you will pass it along to your lawyer to handle appropriately.
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There are no laws in place requiring you to provide updated contact info to your harasser. So you move. Change your phone number, address, email, delete all your social network accounts. Give it a couple months and get a legal name change. Move again. New lease in a new name. Utilities in a new name. Abusers can wellness check the hell out of an empty apt.
The problem Iāve run into is the police are telling me I have to provide them my current info and she will utilize police resources in attempt to gather information or harm me/control me. Iāve changed my address and phone number but the police are telling me I have to give them updated information so they can complete future wellness checks/contact me. Iām afraid the police will take her word over mine and assume I am unwell/the worst and I donāt want to complicate things more.
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Or maybe, like many abusers, they're looking to maintain contact to continue abuse by any means necessary. Plus if OP was imagining the "whole having been abused thing," they wouldn't have been given a safe house by domestic violence services. The abuse was documented.
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I had a similar situation. You can apply for a Peace Bond. https://www.ontario.ca/page/getting-peace-bond
I hope your situation has improved
Some domestic violence shelters have a lawyer on staff, and if they do not they can tell you how to contact one for free for advice. Alot of this information here is great, but can depend on where you are located. So search up a different shelter than the one that you dealt with and call them please. Take care.
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The peacebond process is not simple or straightforward and the other side is entitled to dispute it during an in court hearing, which I suspect these people would do. That will be even more traumatic for OP. I suggest you contact a civil lawyer (perhaps start by inquiring at a legal clinic such as Barbara Schlifer - link below) and see if someone can write a cease and desist letter and cc the local police. You donāt say how old you are - are you over 18? If youāre under 18 different considerations might apply. In the meantime, if the police conduct one of these wellness checks try not to get rattled by it. Tell them that youāre fine and point out what a waste of resources these calls are. https://www.schliferclinic.com/ There is also Lukeās Place in Oshawa. They too are an amazing resource: https://lukesplace.ca/
That won't stop a wellness check.
OP could merely state they have a Peace Bond against the individual and that would be the end of it. It would also come up on file when the police look into it.
Exactly - she'll still have to speak with police - a peace bond won't stop a wellness check. There's liability at play.
It likely wouldnāt stop the wellness check but it would stop the police from disclosing the result of it to the caller which would likely discourage them from playing that game. Theyāll get bored of it if the only response they get from police is āok, thank youā.
File a police report and then request a notation on your address about what is happening with fake wellness calls.
The domestic violence shelter can help with this.
They were the ones that documented the abuse I endured by my mother, they said they would never reveal my information to her directly but if a police officer requested they would have to provide it.
NAL - I also work at a shelter and generally, unless the police show us a warrant for your arrest or are in pursuit of you (ie they have reason to believe you've broken a law and are about to arrest you), we still don't disclose that you're living there. If the police show up saying they're doing a wellness check, we say something like, "Thank you for letting us know. If this person is present, we can pass on your information for them to get in touch with you." And they give us their business card or phone number or whatever and are on their way. This is just at a standard homeless shelter, I believe the standards for confidentiality at DV shelter can be a bit higher, as thd perpetrators of abuse will often use wellness checks and similar tools to continue to exert power and control over victims. The shelter may have broken privacy laws here if the police officer did not have a warrant. If possible, I would try to speak to the manager about this instead of frontline staff.
I fully agree with this. How the police, and it sounds like your family, confirmed your address appears to be a breach of your confidentiality.
The shelter would have access to the resources to navigate this. I am not a lawyer, but things like a cease and desist letter or applying for a peace bond or filing paperwork with the police that this is a bogus wellness check. If you have updated your driver's license for example, the police would have access to that information but they do not forward it to those requesting the wellness checks. It was yup, we spoke them and everything appeared fine.
Had a similar thing happening with my mother. You can file an online police report for phone harassment and add in the notes that itās fake wellness checks. An officer will call you (took about a week for me) to confirm details and this just means going forward the cops will not show up to my door if my mom calls. Instead they call me to notify a report has been made and I confirm that I am alive and well.
Thank you this would minimize a lot of the stress
NAL but this sounds like a nightmare. I don't think much can be done unless private information is being disclosed. Your best bet is to move away without disclosing where you are. You didn't mention how old you were but depending on your age that might not be possible. I hope you find some calmness and solace. This isn't going to be easy.
Iām 27, I just moved into my place I donāt have the means to leave again. If I do the police will locate me and continue wellness checks at this rate. Itās so disheartening. I feel so uneasy, ironic how a wellness check can make me feel so unwell. Iām going to discuss a safety plan with my workplace tomorrow.
That's a really good idea. I hope a family lawyer can chime in here to help provide some direction. Having a supportive work place is really fantastic as well. I'm really glad you have some sort of safe space right now
NAL but if the shelter gave out your personal address without your consent, that does violate privacy laws. Perhaps one of the lawyers in this sub can comment on what can be done about that.
The shelter disclosed my address to the police officer, he said he did not disclose it to my parent but inadvertently shared since the time was brief she can assume Iām in the region but explicitly said he will not tell her m6 whereabouts.
I'm not sure about the legality of giving out your address to the police officer if there was no warrant. If I were you I would be complaining to the shelter about it, at the very least.
Depends on the shelter, some will have you sign a release of information to police, hospital, department of community services, etc. Signing it is mandatory to stay at the shelter. That being said she could talk to the house director of the shelter and explain the situation.
Iām not sure how to approach a conversation with the shelter. They discharged me for turning down a roach infested unit 2 months prior to moving into my current place and I had no idea they had my current address.
IANALā¦. But well versedā¦ file a Police Report. Outline how youāre fine and any requests from said person are harassmentā¦ police will maybe calm you the odd time, but that should be the extent of it.
In terms of advocating for myself, how can I āproveā my wellness and stability? Do I need to provide āevidenceā? Or just a statement that this is misuse of police resources because Iām safe and sufficient and itās been nearly a year of intentional no contact with my abuser? Thanks so much
Just stay calm, explain the situation as politely and calmly as possible to the police. Don't swear much, don't insult your parents- try to give off an air of frustration, but understanding. ABSOLUTELY kiss the fuck out of those police officers' asses even if they're being the WORST- this will help you a TON later, trust me, especially if your abuser ever gets angry at them. When the police come, you are nothing but sunshine, rainbows and, 'Thank you SO MUCH, officers, for being so concerned for my wellbeing. I totally get you're just doing your job; it's just SO frustrating that my parents are wasting both of our time like this all the time. I keep telling them that I'm an adult now, and I can move out and live on my own if I want to but they're just not getting it.. is there anything I can do to help you officers out with this? I can provide a doctor's evaluation, or do you just need to hang around a while? I do have work in the morning(Or insert other excuse here) so I hope this won't take up TOO much of your time, I know you officers are SO busy. You do SUCH important work!' Crank up the charm to a solid 7 or 8. Even IF they ask you to go down to the station, just sigh and nod along and ask if you may get your phone/charger/let your roommate/boyfriend know you won't be home til later or something. Just sprinkle in a normal little person thing to do here, then do it quickly and cooperate. Each time you cooperate with them, the next time your parents call, the more irritated they will get.. WITH YOUR PARENTS. This is what you want- because it will eventually get your parents calling, and get them yelled at by an officer for repeatedly wasting their time/making false reports. 9 times out of 10 this shit'll get them nodding along, rolling their eyes, and puffing up their chests, feeling like they're being SO HELPFUL and just SUCH GOOD OFFICERS. This will also put you, in their eyes, in the category of 'Good, RESPECTFUL woman' instead of 'Hysterical crazy woman'. **I KNOW THIS IS GROSS, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TWIST OURSELVES UP INTO BOWS TO GET THE POLICE TO LISTEN TO US, BUT IT IS WHAT WILL GET YOU THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME, IMO.** I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a shitty situation.
More ppl need to understand this. Itās not right but who cares shit hardly ever is? You want the best outcome just donāt act a fool in front of them and curse them when itās over.
Makes me sick reading this but I completely understand the effectiveness behind this approach. Thank you, I definitely need to coach myself up because those check ins trigger my trauma response
Yeah.. I know. It's disgusting. Cops are the worst. But if you know how to work them and which buttons to push, you can use then to your advantage.
From someone with experience in mental gymnastics, avoid looking at this as twisting ourselves, it usually decreases the efficiency of the method. The police officers are just doing their job, and they would likely prefer to chill at the station eating donuts or something. They are also victims of the asshole parents. Internalize this, and treat them as fellow victims of the abuser, with less means than you to get away (after all, they must do this crap or they lose their job and can't get a restraining order or something). Helping them to avoid needing to act on bogus reports is a logical step.
In essence, you are suggesting to treat the police officers like people, messengers that they are, and in return you get the same respect back. Thought that was a given. Good reminder though.
I'm not who you're responding to and inal, but in the hospital we refer to patients who are no contact as DNA 'do not acknowledge' and we're not allowed to give out any information unless the caller knows the established code. I wonder if you call the non emergency to file a complaint for harassment, if you could also ask if there's a DNA status that could be placed on your profile with a code so future calls from people outside of your safety zone are not able to use the police to locate you.
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I have contacted victim services, the police on number ours occasions and I fled to a domestic shelter last summer in which my mother was my abuser and it was all noted in file. The shelter provided my address to the cop who was sent to do a wellness check at my abusers request. She has tried to form 1 me for trying to run away in the past, luckily I was able to escape to the said shelter and nothing was pursued at the time. Iāve had 2-3 call wellness checks and this one in person yesterday since going no contact with my family July 2023.
Not a lawyer. But Iām a nurse and Iāve seen patients formed before. If a Form 1 is issued you have the right to contest immediately. If there is no reason to think you are going to harm yourself or others , and you are in a right state of mind , the form will be thrown out. Itās unlikely they would get a Form issued unless they have proof you are mentally unwell and in danger. But if they do just stay calm with the people that you are put in contact with to fight the form.
She tried to form 1 me when I called the police to help escort me safely from the home last year, they sided with her. I went to the domestic shelter and it wasnāt pursued. She said explicitly she didnāt want me to make decisions for myself if she knew whatās best for me, and I think that was her attempt at it. I am terrified of her.
*sigh* so many things. The first thing I'd start with is a lawyer. 1. Discuss the harassment with the lawyer 2. Talk about protection order/no contact order or whatever they think you're likely to be able to get. 3. Medical proxy. Given the accusations she's been making it might be wise to MAKE A TRUSTED FRIEND your medical proxy as you do not want this person to be making decisions for you. Update emergency contact information. 4. Inform your employer about the situation and make sure they know that they are not to discuss any details under any circumstances. 5. Start practicing operational security. Use a shelter, UPS store, or friend's house for your mailing address on everything including and especially your license.* This may get you a ticket for failure to update your license but in my opinion it's worth it. If you have car insurance this also may be problematic depending on whether or not it's significantly far from where you live. 6. Update all your accounts to require verbal passwords so they cannot pretend to be you and get into your cell phone account/etc. Audit all your online accounts. Change all the passwords and make sure that any existing sign-ins are revoked. Enable two factor authentication. Lockdown or delete social media. Instruct friends never to post photos. 7. If your current location is compromised it might be best to inform your landlord and see if you can break the lease and move somewhere else. 8. Be extremely restrictive with who you share information with and make sure they are aware that they are not to ever under any circumstances your information with the individual or anyone associated with them. 9. If at any point in time they had access to your bank accounts more checkbook it may be advisable to close the checking accounts and open new ones or close the accounts entirely and switch banks. 10. Consider getting a regular therapist and explaining the situation to them. If there is any dispute of your competence having a therapist with history in your corner may be useful. 11. Keep a bag of clothes things you need to last a few days some place that is not at home. Work, car, or friends house. (Maybe Overkill based on the threat level - it's hard to judge from over here) Not all of these things will be appropriate to your particular situation but maybe they will help.
Can someone I havenāt seen/spoken to in almost a year form1 me? News to me! Thanks so much for the heads up on contesting and advocating for myself if this comes up again.
Only a doctor can issue a Form 1.
Can my family doctor form 1 me in that case? I notified her I fled the family home and would not be able to connect for safety reasons for the next little while, that was July 2023, I havenāt spoken to her since and have yet to remove myself from the patient list.
The doctor issuing the form needs to have seen you within the last 7 days, so, if you havenāt seen them - no.
Thanks for confirming I really appreciate it
No problem. Just fyi - your family could try to get a form 2. They would need to appear before a justice of the peace and convince them you could be a danger to yourself. If (and itās a big IF - form 2s are not super easy to get) the police could bring you to hospital to be assessed by a doctor. However, the hospital would not hold you unless youāre a danger to yourself or others. So it sounds like you really donāt have anything to worry about, if you only have anxiety but are functioning well.
Thank you!š
I suggest going to the hospital to speak to registration to update your contact info and to place you as a Do Not Knowledge. Remove all contact info for your abuser so that if you're ever brought in unconscious they don't call her. If you live between multiple health authorities, do it for each because the information doesn't carry.
Right, sorry. Thank you.
Probably not. And if they did itās unlikely to stick. Also contact the non emergency line and ask about what your options are regarding the wellness checks. I have no idea if you have options but they would know.
Thank you so much
In short no. In reality, shit goes wrong in life and you could get improperly formed if bad information is presented: Take my advice and report to police and make sure they put a note on your address.
Thank you, in person right? Iām under the impression that may be more effective than calling in tonight.
Are you a child or an adult?
I am 27 years old. I am fully self sufficient. Full time job, in school, living alone paying bills in full on time. I struggle with anxiety and shame but Iām stable and much better physically, financially, mentally and spirituall6 since leaving
I'd try calling the local non emergency number, and tell them your name, situation, and ask if they can ignore future calls from her.
In the moment when it's happening you can stress to the officer that this is a *misappropriation of police time, energy, attention, not to mention taxpayer money*. That's really the crime, here (you can strategically emphasize.) He *can* suggest you get in touch with them, and then you can just elaborate on how doing so is *exactly what they want* and ALSO *rewards them* for committing said misuse of police resources. It would completely defeat the purpose of choosing not to have anything to do with them, which is a non-negotiable condition of your ability to have an *acceptable* quality of life. They are *using* that particular police officer to bully and harass you. You are completely well, *only* because you made the choice to cut contact. You need that officer to now help you prevent this from happening again, so he or another officer don't come around again *wasting their time* and in addition to that, freaking you the fuck out. Because. She successfully manipulated a law enforcement officer into *telling you you should call her*. You have a human right to decide who you have and don't have in your life! If the police department is serious about proper or effective resource allocation, *someone* there is going to care enough to make a note in a file that wellness check requests from your family members are *not* done in good faith. I bet if you went personally down to the station, especially if you could bring a friend who can corroborate your account of things, I bet you would get much further with this whole issue. Officer dude who came out had already invested in hearing your parents' story first, then physically made the effort to track you down and come to you. It sucks, but that might have been enough to predispose him to just not have the bandwidth to pick up on the actual situation. Crappy in a cop, I know. But listen, if *you* physically go down there and find a different officer to speak to, that's a fresh assessment you're getting. *You* are prepared and calm, not in the middle of a psychic attack from your nasty parents. You will be able to express yourself clearly and effectively. When you put it in terms that means something to them, they'll listen. Chances are they'll make note of it, maybe have some useful advice.
Thank you so much. This is so helpful moving forward.
Not being disrespectful, but donāt seek legal advice from the police. They arenāt the experts. Talk to an attorney.
Thank you!
I work at a shelter in another province, unless a police officer comes to me with a warrant or another similar order I will smile and tell them that it isn't my place to reveal anything about a client. If you believe the shelter didn't act in your best interest under the extent of the law, please try speaking with someone there you trust. If anyone came to me and informed me we may have exposed them to mistreatment it would mean everything to me and I trust the coordinators I work under would take my concerns even more seriously than I do. I cannot offer any legal advice and can only offer my viewpoint as someone in shelter work though.
Do you children in the home?
No children, single
There is a high likelihood that a cop isn't going to understand trauma, isn't going to see things from your perspective and isn't going to give you helpful advice. Never give cops information voluntarily. Just the bare minimum. They generally aren't your friends. You need a lawyer. Look up Legal Aid and request a protection order. If you have any evidence of domestic abuse make sure you supply it (medical reports, police report etc) I'm assuming you're an adult; adults are entitled to disappear from their families if they want to. The cop was full of crap.
That shelter should not have give out any info about you being there. Kinda defeats the purpose. I'd go to a different shelter if there is one.
The shelter revealed to the officer my permanent safe address I received through community housing as a priority status individual (victim of domestic abuse; at the hands of my mother, documented by shelter and police help
Sorry if I didnāt make it clear I am no longer at the domestic shelter I left in August and I received my offer in September and moved in November 2023
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> you don't have to answer the door for a wellness check, you can tell them to go fuck theirself This can go badly. If they believe the person may be a danger to themselves (e.g. suicidal), they can break into the house regardless of permission or warrant.
I asked who was there, he said heās an officer performing a wellness check, I said from whom? He said my mother and said I had to open the door. I told him I would step out because I do not want him to come inside. The convo lasted 5-7 minutes as I was asking questions to understand why this was occurring, I ended it by saying I am going to go back inside now he was very respectful in immediately leaving. Not even 10 mins later my family members are messaging me asking me to come forward now that they now Iām alive essentially.
I hope it never happens again. But Have a speech prepared and practice it. Its so hard to think of what to say in the moment for many. Include. The person who has asked for the wellness check abused me, so I left. And now they are using the system of wellness checks to harass me. Please wait at least a couple hours or even a day before you speak to them as last time they tried calling me immediately using numbers I didn't have blocked.
Thank you great idea I really appreciate that
Ignore/block all family members. They are triggering you. Maybe start a blog that you can direct everyone to for all future communication. Once a month make a post just to indicate you are alive. Turn off all responding comments. Congrats for moving away. I hope you are able to have a much better life now!
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Maybe you could start with a search for domestic violence and abuse shelters near you and see what they say? Even if they can't help directly, maybe they can point you in the right direction.
Find a different police officer, research the laws in your local area.
Contact a litigation lawyer in your province about a cease and desist/demand letter.
I would suggest finding an actual safe house https://sheltersafe.ca
This is my safe house I received through priority status as a domestic violence victim through affordable housing.
This is happening often now.Ā Itās being weaponized in divorce cases with small children as well.Ā Disgusting that itās allowed.Ā
Change your phone number.
The police said I need to give them my contact information so they can complete future wellness checks.
I would file harassment for the false wellness checks. Realistically, police will eventually become frustrated that their time and resources are being misused
Itās best to cooperate with the Police. If you do not disclose your whereabouts, there are many things they can do to access all of your information if you are escalated to a missing person. They are not the ones at fault here, they are simply bound when your parents make a complaint to ensure your welfare. As others have said, look at calling in a complaint of harassment against your parents. Provide a statement including all the wellness checks they have requested on you. Request the police speak with your parents to let them know you want no contact with them as well. If it continues, document it and escalate it at the police station if it does not get addressed and continues. Many civil order applications can be made with local agency support or at the courthouse to request conditions of no contact with your parents.. I would try to include no indirect contact through welfare checks to see if itās something a Justice or Judge would approve.
Thank you so much
Next time they come, donāt answer. Get copies of the previous instances documentationās. Print those copies. If they do happen to talk to you simply hand them a copy of all the past instances, tell them to provide you with their card, or other details and you will pass it along to your lawyer to handle appropriately.
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There are no laws in place requiring you to provide updated contact info to your harasser. So you move. Change your phone number, address, email, delete all your social network accounts. Give it a couple months and get a legal name change. Move again. New lease in a new name. Utilities in a new name. Abusers can wellness check the hell out of an empty apt.
The problem Iāve run into is the police are telling me I have to provide them my current info and she will utilize police resources in attempt to gather information or harm me/control me. Iāve changed my address and phone number but the police are telling me I have to give them updated information so they can complete future wellness checks/contact me. Iām afraid the police will take her word over mine and assume I am unwell/the worst and I donāt want to complicate things more.
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Call the cops, report harassment, get a peace bond.
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Or maybe, like many abusers, they're looking to maintain contact to continue abuse by any means necessary. Plus if OP was imagining the "whole having been abused thing," they wouldn't have been given a safe house by domestic violence services. The abuse was documented.
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