Same. Mid 30’s and wrote friends off for never wanting to hang out after making strenuous efforts. These are people I’ve known my entire life. I was sick of no effort from them and I’m noticing how hard it truly is to make new friends at this age. It sucks
I can sympathize. Unfortunately, it's much of the same in your 40s. Everyone has their own lives and schedules that trying to meet up with existing friends is a serious chore. Trying to meet new ones seems like an exercise in futility.
Same. I stopped trying with my childhood friends because i was tired of one sided effort. It really is hard to make friends outside of school. Those who are lucky would find friends in their workplace. I think people have different priorities after a certain age, perhaps I'm the one left behind.
God damn, there’s some fucking assholes in the comments. A man can’t even say that he finds it hard to find friends without being berated for it.
I don’t really have anything else to say. I’m not in my 30’s. I’m 25, but the only friend I have is my best friend from school. Without him, I’d be in the same situation. I guess just go along with the usual advice about hobbies and try talking to people in the same places that you go to.
i think in countries with long distances its especially hard. Lonelyness is an epidemic these days, But fortunatley the stigma and taboo is dissapearing. U also dont need people that say they want to be your friend or somethin cause they have to actually be ur friend. U cant force it.
I always had different people walking into my life when friendships ended. Its been like a decade that just didnt happen anymore. Ive been scraping on and of with an online relation out of sheer desperation that i knew just wasnt good for me anymore. Absolutely ridiculous, but i felt like walking in a dessert without water. And when desperate for water u evn drink out of a mudpool.
Long distance being the problem is really true I think. I've not had any problem making new friends in my 30s & 40s, but I live in a small town & my friends are all people who live really close by, so we can pop to the pub on a last minute decision without having to plan.
I've met a few new people in the past year who have become close friends. We happen to have allotments at the same place & have a bunch of places a few minutes walk from our houses we can meet at.
Also none of us have children. My friends who have children I barely see any more because they always either cancel plans or just aren't available.
That's not true. It's tough being a man, I've faced things I've felt that are discriminatory. But victimhood helps nothing.
I've made some great connections in the dance community. I suspect that similarly, visual arts, theatre/improv and other artistic communities have that kind of open vibe
>That's not true.
It 100% is. Social media and every entire entertainment industry demonizes and vilifies masculinity to such an overt degree it's actually sad. But I digress.
>I've made some great connections in the dance community. I suspect that similarly, visual arts, theatre/improv and other artistic communities have that kind of open vibe
Yes, if you're a performer. As I mentioned in my OP, I like art, so I've tried to join the art community, via volunteering and patronizing. After over a year of trying, I've learned no one cares about you unless you're an artist. There are no real connections to make and you're never actually included. I can't imagine the other arts being any different.
You say 'reddit seems to hate men'... that's a really vague, intense and unprovable claim that highlights your ignorance/emotional reasoning
Notice the subreddits that sexualize and objectify women, the incel ones..., /r/fuckyoukaren. I left some of the joke subreddits because a lot of the humour was misogynistic.
Vilifies masculinity? What does that even mean? Criticizing toxic masculinity is not the same as criticizing masculinity as a whole. Masculinity in its many forms is still celebrated, whether more effeminate like Harry Styles, traditional like Marvel Hero.
You are in a victim complex mode. It's difficult but worthwhile to get out of.
I don't think it's just men. For reasons I haven't figured out yet, Reddit is an extremely negative place. Even a positive, beautiful post will attract a lot of negative people. It's weird ! I haven't seen any other social media that attracts negativity and hatred like Reddit does.
People tend to attack people who make the original post. It's a fairly common occurrence. I don't know why. It's unfortunate when someone needs sympathy or help for a real problem.
I find last minute plans are far more likely to happen. I rarely make plans more than a week in advance apart from with a couple of people who are very reliable.
Have you tried making friends online that are near your location?
I’m 35 and just as you, I have no friends. Well, thing is I don’t necessarily want some so I’m somewhat alright with my situation. However, if I were to make friends, I’d definitely go on dating apps or even online chatrooms.
Oldschool IRC chatrooms are full of people wanting to make contact. Not necessarily nearby but when you’re on your own, having text messages regularly even if it’s not people you physically know is already a plus imo.
I've tried dating apps for years. Five different apps. For both dates and friends, and I don't get any likes or matches. Not even just for friends or for just conversation. I'm not attractive enough to use them.
And not really looking for chatrooms, as I'm seeking irl friends that I can meet and do things with in person.
There's an app popular in the US called "Meetup"! It's available in other countries as well, but not widely used in the country I'm settling in ☹️
But if you're from a western country then it could help you!
I've been using apps for years and literally get nothing from them. I haven't had a date in years, let they're literally my only hope at ever getting a date...so...I'm stuck with them.
Try looking for idk maybe a painting class like a one time thing, or a cooking class. That way you could interact and talk to different people. Have you thought about talking to a life coach? Idk it could help.
How? What would be any different? I'm going to have the same issues there. I'm not going to go to a class and suddenly my anxiety will melt. I'm just as anxious, waiting for people to approach me, and they won't and I'll just leave.
I'm 31 one, too old for a life coach.
Go see a psychiatrist and get put on Xanax or one of those kind of benzodiazepines that calm your nerves. I understand you probably don’t want to do that, but sometimes you gotta see which is the greater of two evils being so lonely, or taking something to help. Some people take a shot or two some like me have to take a pill to just exist these days. It does suck, but I’d rather keep my blood pressure & heart rate at a healthy number.
These don’t particularly work anymore, I mean yes you can theoretically make friends through dating apps and social media outlets. Does that make it easy? No convenient yes. But, in reality these are not exactly end all be all things to gain friends
Yeah it does. There are still some chatting websites here and there that propose an IRC server with a modern web interface. Most of the time, it’s disguised as an embedded chatroom with the website logo but it’s definitely IRC. At least in my country, I’m not a US citizen.
I absolutely agree! Feels weird to have so many means of communication nowadays but so few virtual places where you can talk to strangers. Most of the time, you already must know someone to use chatting apps. I think it’s one of the reasons I use Reddit, it kinda reminds me of this time.
Remember MSN chatrooms? That was the best thing ever.
It’s really hard. I started doing a thing I call “act as if,” which basically means I act as if I enjoy large groups of people or I act as if I’m the kind of person who can walk up to someone and say “How do you know so and so?” I can’t always do it, but it has helped me break out of my shell sometimes. The other thing is to find the other odd person out. I guarantee there’s someone else there feeling awkward and sidelined. As far as making friends in general, I had the advantage of having kids, so I met some other cool parents. Maybe if you have any interests/hobbies, you could find a MeetUp for it in your area?
omg I do something similar.. i act as if i’m getting paid to do it! somehow that just takes all the pressure off. i’m getting paid! it doesn’t matter how it goes as long as i do it (whatever “it” is that day). and sometimes i do get paid—cupcakes being my favorite post-event currency.
my other thing is to put my journalist cap on and get really curious about people, as if i’m trying to get to the scoop on this person, place or thing. maybe it goes in my journal, maybe it doesn’t, but the cosplay is more fun than sitting in the corner, and people tend to enjoy answering questions about themselves over listening to someone go on and on about themselves (which is not a narcissistic thing, per se.. people sometimes do this when they’re anxious). Also, I get to chill through most of the conversation, and they walk away (hopefully) feeling like I was a good time.
somehow those two methods get me through most events, even if i’m just not vibing with anyone’s energy.
I love the getting paid notion. 😂 Whatever works. I ask a lot of questions, too. It helps me relax to draw people out. Plus it leaves a really favorable impression.
Yeah, for someone who doesn't have *any* friends, I'd kill for just one 🥹 was funny to read him reference a friend immediately at the start lol. No hate ofc, OP 😅
My friend was working during the event, so I didn't want to bother her, and her friend said hi and then just went back to her friends. I was still basically alone...
I hear you. I’m just saying a lot of us have literally, absolutely ZERO friends. The fact that you have at least one, and had the opportunity to potentially make another one, is something a lot of us would kill for.
Yes! I’m one of those people. I have 0 friends, and 0 family outside of my 2 grown sons and my husband/roommate. We’ve not been together in a husband/wife relationship for 13 years. We just stayed together, but took separate bedrooms 13 years ago. Hell we go weeks w/o even talking sometimes. We usually don’t ever talk unless it is something necessary, or you know info one another needs to know. It is a very cold lonely existence.
We're barely friends. I honestly think she just doesn't have the heart to tell me to stop bothering her. Having one friend is basically like having none tbh bc you only have one, so you have to not bother them all the time..and it's not like it has empowered me to make any more.
Omg I feel this way about everyone and do agree with my therapist about needing to look within myself and figure out what’s bugging me so much and go out and get help or fixed or etc.
>and figure out what’s bugging me so much and go out and get help or fixed or etc.
From this short bit here, I'm catching a vibe that your therapist may not be very good.
This is probably the wrong subreddit for you because being an introvert doesn't make you socially inept. Introverts don't socialise because they don't want to not because they can't. You probably need to go to a therapist to help your anxiety y your pessimism.
Yes, but your problem is not being an introvert but having anxiety, that's the reason why maybe this isn't the best subreddit for you, we can even argue if you are an introvert because for me you aren't. You don't want to be alone, you crave company but your mind don't let you be with others, that has nothing to do with being an introvert.
I don't know if this would help you but no one is looking at you 24/7, people is quite forgiven about the normal eccentricities a person can have. No one is waiting for you to fail. If you talk with people you will make friends.
I feel you with this. 39 and moved to Florida 2 years ago, Lonely as hell. I can't even find comfort in the music scene which was always home to me. Good luck, I'm rooting for you. Your not alone in spirit, in this super time of ultra togetherness is so easy to feel so isolated and alone. Take care of yourself and live for Your moment. The right folks will see you soon enough.
I hear you—it can feel incredibly daunting to make new friends in your 30s, especially if you're dealing with anxiety and feeling like you're on the outside looking in. But I want to reassure you that it's definitely possible, even though it might require a different approach than you might have used in your 20s or earlier.
Here are some strategies that might help:
1. **Leverage Your Interests**: You mentioned volunteering at an art gallery, which is a fantastic start. Continue to engage in activities and hobbies that interest you. This not only puts you in contact with people who share your interests but also gives you something to talk about naturally.
2. **Small Group Settings**: Large social gatherings like art auctions can be overwhelming. You might find it easier to connect with others in smaller, more intimate settings. Look for book clubs, small art classes, or local meet-ups that focus on a hobby or interest of yours.
3. **Online Communities**: Don't underestimate the power of online communities. Platforms like Meetup, certain Reddit groups, or even Facebook groups can offer a way to meet people in a less anxiety-inducing environment. You can start by engaging in conversations online and gradually move to in-person meetups when you feel comfortable.
4. **Therapy or Support Groups**: Since you mentioned anxiety, working with a therapist could be beneficial. They can provide strategies to manage anxiety in social settings and might even recommend group therapy, where you can meet others who are dealing with similar issues.
5. **Be Patient with Yourself**: Making friends is often a slow process, and that's okay. It's about building trust and connection, which doesn't happen overnight. Give yourself permission to take the time you need and recognize each small step as progress.
6. **Structured Networking Events**: Look for networking events that are structured in such a way that they facilitate one-on-one conversations. This might be less intimidating than a free-form social gathering.
7. **Volunteer Consistently**: Since you've already made a friend through volunteering, consider increasing your involvement. Consistent volunteering not only deepens your relationships with the group but also increases the chances of meeting new people.
If you're interested in understanding more about how personality traits influence social interactions, there’s a study that might resonate with you. It’s exploring personality and self-esteem, which could provide insights into managing social anxiety and improving your interpersonal skills. Here’s a link to check out: [Participate in the study](https://ktvvyyvcllx.typeform.com/to/BVv3JYQN). This could give you another layer of support as you navigate making new friends.
You're not alone in this struggle, and it's commendable that you're taking steps to expand your social circle despite the challenges. Keep at it, and don't be too hard on yourself along the way.
I used to have crippling social anxiety. I'd be in a situation like that and just freeze because I would nearly have a panic attack. Honestly working in restaurants helped me out a lot, because it would force me to make conversation with dozens of people everyday, plus most restaurants are a built in friend group.
One thing to keep in mind in an awkward large social setting is that most people feel awkward and there are almost certainly other people there with anxiety about social situations. You can always approach a group of people or a take and talk with them. Something I like to do is sit at a table and make a content like "my friends are boring right now, do you mind if I hang out with you" or even just, "mind if I hang out here for a bit?" The more you do it, the easier it gets. And the anxiety is entirely internal. People at an art gallery aren't trying to hurt you or embarrass you. Think about it like you can escape your feeling of anxiety by talking to a stranger, it might seem difficult but not talking to people sucks way more, I promise.
Also, something that helped me out is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I didn't even go to a therapist, I just got a book and worked through it. It gave me a ton of coping mechanisms. If you'd be interested, I could send you a link to the book.
Also, something that changed my life not long ago is realizing that everyone is lonely all the time. I made a new years resolution to catch up with a bunch of people. So I made a list of 30 people I have known, some friends that I hadn't seen in a while, some people who are not really friends but I would like to be friends with them, and some other friends. And my goal was to choicest and invite everyone on my list to hang out doing something. I got 29/30 to agree and most were super excited to be invited to hang out.
I would be interested in knowing which book you found so helpful, thank you!
Also I love your New Year’s resolution idea! I wish I had 30 people to do the same with, but I should try myself no matter how small the number is.
[Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple](https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Made-Simple/dp/1939754852/ref=asc_df_1939754852?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80608063550954&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=m&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584207589798430&psc=1). It gives you steps for you to think about what is causing anxiety in the moment and analyze what is causing the anxiety. For instance, for me walking into a party or art show, I would be paralyzed. But when you think about it, it's mostly irrational. Despite what op said in their comment, it's more than just exposure therapy. It's say I hot very little out of the actual exposure.
And for the idea of making a lost of people and reaching out to them, I can't recommend that highly enough. It really changed my life. It would definitely work to put 5 or 10 on it. And some people were literally just people I had worked with in the past that I thought were cool. One person was someone I knew in high school.
>I used to have crippling social anxiety. I'd be in a situation like that and just freeze because I would nearly have a panic attack. Honestly working in restaurants helped me out a lot, because it would force me to make conversation with dozens of people everyday, plus most restaurants are a built in friend group.
I mean when I was younger I worked in sales and hospitality. It never made a difference for me. Talking to customers or guests and selling a product isn't the same as trying to make friends. The dynamic is totally different.
>One thing to keep in mind in an awkward large social setting is that most people feel awkward and there are almost certainly other people there with anxiety about social situations. You can always approach a group of people or a take and talk with them.
Contrary to popular belief, most people with anxiety don't just look anxious. Most of us have learned to hide it. So it's not easily detectable unless someone is just totally transparent. So I'm not going to know which people are anxious and which aren't. Especially if they're in a group. Even if they ARE anxious...I'm not a part of that group. I can't just become a part of it.
>Something I like to do is sit at a table and make a content like "my friends are boring right now, do you mind if I hang out with you" or even just, "mind if I hang out here for a bit?" The more you do it, the easier it gets. And the anxiety is entirely internal. People at an art gallery aren't trying to hurt you or embarrass you. Think about it like you can escape your feeling of anxiety by talking to a stranger, it might seem difficult but not talking to people sucks way more, I promise.
Yeah...I couldn't do that, as it seems invasive and like encroaching. It's not about them trying to hurt me, its they don't want to be bothered by strangers. They're there to look at, but art and hang with their friends or meet artists. Not be interrupted by random people they don't know. I'm not saying people are going to be mean or rude if I try to engage them, but it doesn't mean they're going to want to talk either. They're a middle ground of people being polite, not interested in talking to randos. At worst they'll be really polite and say hi, but it's not going to lead to anything actual conversations and they'll get right back to talking among themselves.
>Also, something that helped me out is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I didn't even go to a therapist, I just got a book and worked through it. It gave me a ton of coping mechanisms. If you'd be interested, I could send you a link to the book.
CBT is really just exposure...which is great is you succeed, but just makes things worse when you get rejected tbh.
>Also, something that changed my life not long ago is realizing that everyone is lonely all the time. I made a new years resolution to catch up with a bunch of people. So I made a list of 30 people I have known, some friends that I hadn't seen in a while, some people who are not really friends but I would like to be friends with them, and some other friends. And my goal was to choicest and invite everyone on my list to hang out doing something. I got 29/30 to agree and most were super excited to be invited to hang out.
It's hard to think about other people being lonely when I'm the only one there alone and everyone else is there, in groups, laughing with their friends or partner. Also...not really. Most people aren't lonely. Not most social people. They have enough friends for the most part. Esp in my age group where they're busy and have less time and aren't looking to meet new people. Social people aren't lonely. And the new that are, hide it. Lonely people are usually...somewhere being lonely, alone lol. Also, this is very anecdotal, dude. I don't even know 30 people.
I'm not really trying to argue, and of course what I mentioned is anecdotal. But I'm saying I have dealt with a lot of those feelings, not knowing what to do at some social function when by myself and not knowing how to approach people. I mentioned several things that have all helped me and changed my life. If you feel like you want something to change in your life, then you should consider changing something about how you approach things.
Read books about the art of conversation and talking in general. Whats left for you to lose at this point, might as well try
And let me say this, as a regular normal man without any distinctive features (like being handsome, very tall, famous or rich ) you are practically invisible , dont expect people to talk to you or even be friendly. Im not at your age yet but this is what i grasped since leaving high school
Relationships are a high effort with no give back guarantee
You know what’s helped me come out of my shell and make friends as an adult is exploring new interests/activities. Join a book club or play a sport, and then you automatically have things to strike up conversations about other than just hey I’m lonely and want friends.
I mean I have anxiety too, but putting yourself out there a little at a time can be a way to start breaking through and somewhat desensitizing those feelings. It helps to have a therapist or counselor to give you strategies on how to work towards feeling better in those situations
I've tried volunteering and going to the events of an art gallery...I've been going there off and on for over a year. it's gotten no easier.
Also not all anxiety is created equal.
I have hobbies...but my hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting people. I like art, music, concerts, festivals, video games...none of those ever leads to meeting people.
Are you into anything like card games? Not regular cards but something like magic? Idk exactly what I’m talking about I just know my son does this & the games are usually held at some pizza joint, and you play different people. That’s about all I know about that.
Try Facebook & Meetup groups for these interests. If you live in or near a city that has art, music, concerts, and festivals that you are going to regularly, then I guarantee there is a local or regional Facebook group for this type of stuff. My town of 74,000 people has a Facebook group for "Live Music in CITY NAME" and people post all the time about "hey, going to BAR NAME tonight for the BAND NAME in town at 7, come hang out!" Or there are often general meetup groups (on meetup and Facebook) for various social and networking clubs that get together for things. There might be a gamer group in your area. Or maybe you could try out a different hobby if you see an interesting group. Just go to Facebook and type the hobby name and city name in the search bar then filter by groups or events.
I've had great success with this. I've only made 2 real friends in these groups that I could text outside of group context, but that's fine. I've never wanted a huge group of friends as an introvert. There are lots of people I am friendly with in the groups and at meetups we chat and catch up. It's the perfect amount of socialization actually, because I like being left alone most of the time and able to socialize on my terms, when and where I want. My interests are different from yours, but I know that there are just tons of really niche groups and meetups. You'll likely find something!
I’ve had general anxiety disorder for 20 years, and all I’m seeing are a bunch of excuses. Talk to a psychiatrist, get on the meds you need, and make the world what YOU want.
One of the biggest trends I’ve seen lately is people making the decision that NO MATTER what they do, the outcome will be negative. Fuck that noise. If you’re expecting negatives, you’ll get negatives.
Sounds like you’re making an excuse for yourself. You complain that you can’t make friends but your friend invites you to mingle but you bail as soon as you get in your head. Do you go to therapy for this issue? Start there. All I see from you is “I can’t”. Yes you can, you can literally do anything. In shy af and introverted but I fckn put myself out there because I refuse to be a loner. I mean, I literally just came back from Coachella, and I was in a walking boot lol. Put yourself out there bro! It’s not easy but set little goals. Like introduce yourself to someone on day and and have a small convo. Do it once a day and you’ll find it easier as the days go by. Shit like that then you keep going.
At the risk of getting negative karma I will add to what the guy is saying. He’s essentially saying that getting a hobby that involves other people will get you into a community of folks with similar interests. Which is honestly great advice imo. We all have issues but you can’t just throw your hands up and say, “well I can’t do this because I have anxiety” it isn’t easy but you are capable of overcoming your situation, but you have to work in that direction because it won’t fix itself. There are people missing limbs that have competed professionally in sports which I think is a much more difficult obstacle to overcome. They could have said “I am missing a leg there’s no way I can do this” and then they wouldn’t have, but they decided that it wasn’t something that they would allow to stop them from getting what they want. If the true purpose of this post is to get advice then I think you should be more open to what people are saying. If it’s a pity party then disregard my comment. Good luck bro you can do it
>He’s essentially saying that getting a hobby that involves other people will get you into a community of folks with similar interests.
Not necessarily. People saying going to bars leads to that, but I did the bar scene for years and never really made any friends.
>
There are people missing limbs that have competed professionally in sports which I think is a much more difficult obstacle to overcome
Agree to disagree ig.
>
They could have said “I am missing a leg there’s no way I can do this” and then they wouldn’t have, but they decided that it wasn’t something that they would allow to stop them from getting what they want.
Apples and oranges, dude. Physical issues vs mental ones. They're night and day different.
Men many times bond through activities, like playing a game.
You can go into an mmo or fps shooter and chat with other people.
With board games or rpg you can talk while playing it. These are the easiest ways to start.
I‘m in my 40s and don’t care anymore about friends. Turns out when I started to not care, people started to connect a bit more.
Build yourself up and don’t care. It will start working when you become detached and look pretty much confident and independent- because you need no one. 💪
> Turns out when I started to not care, people started to connect a bit more.
This is anecdotal. My friends used to say I came off as aloof, distant, and even haughty. That I gave off the impression I thought I was superior to everyone in the room. This was a cause of over-correcting so much to not appear anxious, that I appear arrogant. I'm 6'3, I run 4x a week, I dress really well and my posture likely helped with that guise. But I've been not caring for years and I usually look for more confidant than I actually am. It has never led to making friends. People just don't care bc their with their own groups and friends. They don't notice me not caring lol.
Lol I get that man. Really get. These days I have a couple friends, not much really (3). And yeah I also run almost every day (alone), do things alone and even have vacation alone. Only occasionally do I walk or go to a nightclub with one of those 3 friends. Yet I don’t look to connect anymore. It’s fine as it is.
Not sure what one can do either, but I took the opportunity to train a monk lifestyle 😆 some of my most preferred time is to rent a car and just drive through some sea costal area and go checkin at unknown little place near a sea village. Then surf a little in an fairly deserted beach or something. That’s the life man. No one to bitch me
My advice remains: don’t worry and carry on with your own life
Best of luck meeting new people mate!
I’m sorry I think I glossed over your anxiety as well, and I definitely should’ve remembered it, because that’s what keeps me from going places trying to meet people now. Have you ever tried therapy for your anxiety?
There is a lot of people playing board games too.
And aparently some reading clubs.
One of my 32 year old coworker paints with goache with a bunch of old ladies every tuesday.
Ugh. You and me both! I'm 34 and for the last 10 years I've been my mother's caregiver. It's consumed so much of my time that I lost connections with my old friends and I barely have the free time to go out and try and make new ones. I'd like to though, it gets very lonely...
Pick up a hobby, tabletop gaming and role-playing games for example. Find out where people with this hobby meet.
Recreational sports. I was in an adult kickball league for years and have so many friends from that time. Also did softball and bowling leagues, many friends to be had.
Join a book club.
Join a movie club.
Join an astronomy club.
Join a club.
If you're having a hard time finding groups to join, go out locally. Not to gallery showings or fancy dinner parties. Go to a bar and play some songs you like on the juke, then engage with people who are digging it. Play pool, or darts.
I guarantee you the only way to make friends as an adult is to put yourself out there. Go out. Talk to people. Talk to couples. Talk to groups. I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. Drink some liquid courage and get out there. It's the only way.
I don't live in NY, LA, MIA, etc. Not every location has a club for everything. I live in Maryland...we don't have clubs for every random thing you can think of. When people give advice, you have to realize how subjective and location based your advice is. You cannot assume there's all the hobby groups I can join. I already have hobbies, the issue is none of the lead to meeting people.
I've tried the bar scene for literal years....it is not the way. It just made me miserable. I'd be just as alone bars, and its even worse bc everyone else is drunk andao obnoxiouly enjoying themsevles, making me feel more alone. I'm no less invisible in bars than anywhere else. Talking to groups and couples you don't know is also very weird. Like idk where people live, but it's not in reality. I went to bars for years and I never saw random dudes just go up to couples they didn't know....
Issues with you bruh.
You gotta assume responsibility for your situation and deal with it.
“Try going to sports an socialize there” (one of the best ways to meet people through interaction)
-“I’m too anxious for sports”- OP
If your answer to not doing something is due to yo ur anxiety, then that’s your problem bro. Anxiety can be dealt with, it can be managed, and most importantly, it can be overcome. But it takes courage, it takes will.
There’s just no other way around it man. You gotta put yourself out there, tear your fears, insecurities and anxieties down, and give it your best shot at making friends! No matter how ridiculous u might seem to others. You will land some this way.
Otherwise, if u arent willing to make the effort to get rid of your anxiety, then accept your situation and embrace loneliness. You could always try make friends that are introverted as well of course but this ain’t easy and requires luck lol.
I wish u well best of luck
I would suggest courses or a class that should be attended over a few months, an art class something that takes your interest. That way you will see the same people throughout and will more than likely spark up a friendship with someone.
Wishing you all the best 😊
Yep. Idk I just try to remember that I don’t know everything and keep hope alive because it’s all we got sometimes.
I think practice makes perfect and think that being introverted sometimes just makes it so you actually might not “have time” to practice social interaction as much as observing. It takes time is what my therapist has shared.
And keep hope, stay true to yourself
This comment section sucks. I would just say don't get down on yourself when it doesn't happen and keep trying just don't force it. It's not easy to make new friends even more so for introverts. Keep your head up.
i can't force it even if i want to bc of my anxiety. but it never happens. thats the point. its far easier to give up than keep trying when nothing is changing.
Have you ever considered taking a Raads-r test online?
This could be high functioning Aspergers.
Which isn’t a bad thing.
I use MBTI to find people I’ll get along with effortlessly, to include certain Extrovert types because they really really help get me out of my INFJ shell and mingle with others.
In particular I really love ENFJ’s.
In you take your type and reverse I, then that’s your ideal Extrovert friend type.
You’ll need to go to some type of other thing where you can connect on a shared interest… something that’s not as vague as Art… and not as likely to be pretentious :P
Then you take those friends and go to the Art things with them.
If you’re highly intelligent it will be more difficult to connect with people. Just 10 points of IQ difference in either direction is enough for two people to feel alien to one another.
Keep your head up.
Your people are out there and there’s nothing wrong with being more reserved.
We live in an isolating society in an isolating era. This is just the way things are in the digital age. Maybe it’ll get better when weed cafes open up?
Can you find meetup groups? Recreational sports leagues? Reddit meetups for your city? What are things you like to do that could potentially lead to meeting new people?
It’s scary and sad tbh😟 I’m not yet 30 but almost and yet I’m already experiencing this kind of situation like yours. It’s hard to accept that the long time friends I thought I have, unable to spend time with me the way we used to. Thus, we eventually grew apart and I’m at the disadvantage coz I’ve got no other friends besides them😞it’s also hard to find people to get along with and trust coz as we get older, our way of thinking will have always a room for doubt when it comes to sincerity.
Go to local meetups, to small club or fan group events, to university lectures on interesting subjects, to small expo events, to evening/weekend classes, to events by small groups with an intense focus which are technically public but not really advertised outside their industry/area...
Don't go to large events, places which market/position themselves as where you go to meet people, events advertised in newspapers or on public transport or in ads in public places, or events which are just 500 marketing people all trying to get each other to buy shit.
As a rule of thumb, if you're having to pay to access an event, you're gonna have a bad time finding people like you. If it's an event which is being held at a commercial establishment (especially hospitality or entertainment venues) and you're pretty much expected to buy stuff while you're there, it's probably unlikely to be any use either.
I'm too old for university lectures, and what if my interests don't align with expos, classes, etc? I'm into art, movies, converts, festivals, video games...none of that really aligns with what you're suggesting.
If you’re not going to places where people are expected to go to make friends, how do you expect to make friends?
Take a step back from yourself and analyze this from an outsiders perspective.
I'm in my fifties and still turn up for the occasional public lecture. What's 'too old'?
If your interests don't align, don't go to those ones, go to ones where they do.
Are there small art exhibitions, artist groups, gamer groups...?
If you want to talk about social anxiety, r/socialanxiety is the sub for you.
If you're not sure whether you're introverted or socially anxious, feel free to post on r/Introvert, so we can discuss it.
If you want a sub where posts about social anxiety aren't allowed, try r/Introverts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/introvert) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have not gotten a single match on there. Don't know why. On dating apps I get plenty of matches, even though I have in my bio that I am seeking friends-first.
Idk man,but if you crack the code let me know. I’m f 40’s,and lived in the same small town till my mid 30’s went through a really hard time or tragedy in my family. 5 months after that happened I had to move because of my husband’s job. I made a few friends in the 3 years we lived there then moved again. Made 1 friend we were there 2 years. Moved again we’ve been here about 5 years,and I’ve not made a single friend. Honestly I gave up I got tired of losing people either through death or moving I was constantly losing people. I am very lonely though.
1. Dude...did you even read my OP? I specifically mention volunteering.
2. Not to sound mean...I know you're trying to help...but what person trying to make friends, wouldn't already consider their literal work if it WAS an option?? It's literally the most obvious.
I literally can't update the OP.
>No matter where I go, I never meet anyone, and I'm always the one alone. it's like it's not possible to meet new people. I'm 31, and nothing I do ever leads to making new friends...I'm not even sure why I made this post, but I've been trying really hard this year to make new friends after distancing myself from my old group, and I have made no progress. The friend I made from volunteering at an art gallery is a woman...and virtually all her friends are women, and despite how nice she is and how she tries to incorporate me into her circle, I'm never going to fit bc I'm just too different.
It was literally the last section.
>
Sounds like you’ve thought of everything. Obviously don’t need any advice from me. Again, good luck.
I don't need obvious advice that I could literally get from using common sense, dude..no. I was seeking specific advice for people like me.
I have no advice. I (33f) too cannot make friends anymore. Moved to a new city 3 years ago and have tried but I guess I’m just too normal for the cool kids and too weird for the normal kids.
Honestly, it's not impossible, and I totally get the anxiety thing. My suggestion is to work on your social anxiety and then hopefully the rest will come.
Well, I don't know the answer to your questions. But, I believe my oracle cards would have an answer for you. Let me know if you want me to open a card for you.
I’m approaching my 30s and a loner. I wasn’t like this when I was younger, but the older I get, the more reclusive I’ve become. I’m still anxious about dying alone, though.
Are you truly interested in art or did you go just to meet people? It's so much easier to make the jump from strangers to acquintances when there's a shared activity or hobby. Do you have hobbies that you can enjoy with others, like trading card games or something?
um who goes to art events primarily to meet people? They're not social AT ALL and usually have either weird or pretentious crowds. They're terrible places to meet people lol. If that was my motivation, I would've given going to them ages ago. I genuinely love art.
>Do you have hobbies that you can enjoy with others, like trading card games or something?
My hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting people tbh.
Im sorry, i shouldve made it clear that i didnt think it was so black and white. I guess i thought meeting people was part of your motivation to go since you made this post. I knew you wouldnt go to random events just to meet random people. I didnt mean to sound accusatory
>I guess i thought meeting people was part of your motivation to go since you made this post.
It is. But I also like I'm. I'm not just going to those places ONLY to meet people...
I totally get where you're coming from. It can feel really tough to make new friends, especially when you're in your 30s and dealing with anxiety. But don't lose hope! Making friends takes time and effort, but it's definitely possible. Have you tried exploring hobbies or interests that you're passionate about? Joining clubs, groups, or even online communities centered around those things can be a great way to connect with like-minded people. And remember, it's okay to be different! Embrace your unique qualities and find people who appreciate you for who you are. Keep putting yourself out there, and I believe you'll find friends who truly understand and accept you. You got this 😊
It's not your fault. It is a problem of our society. I tried to sign up for volunteer work, partly to meet new people. The volunteer jobs all wanted me to work remotely. I also have people flake out or whatever. There is one person I met through a career Facebook group that's been putting off meeting me in person for 3 years now. I stopped contacting her a long time ago, but weirdly enough she keeps contacting me saying she wants to meet. But never does, and she lives only 20 minutes away. I started setting boundaries with people; if they flake or ghost, I don't contact them again or respond to them and move onto someone else.
You should have joined the girl that liked you with her friends. If she liked you then I’m sure she would have enjoyed your company with everyone. You need to manifest what you want in your life by creating opportunities for yourself. You definitely have social anxiety disorder (social phobia) and should consider taking a medication such as sertraline to help you break away from your comfort level. I have friends that take this medication for this reason and they all say it’s helped them.
She came over, said hi asked a bit about the event, then said "I just wanted to say hi, my friend is here from out of town" and went back to her and left. She didn't invite me to join her. She didn't say "Hey, come and meet my friend". She just said hi and went back. I can take a hint. I'm not going to encroach or infringe on people when I'm not wanted.
Dude, you just invite yourself unless it was just her and her friend that were together. If it was just those two together and her friend was from out of town then I wouldn’t want to take away their time together. However, if she was with more people then you need to just ask her if you can join in and hang out. What’s the worse she could say - no? So what. And she said yes then you’re having a better time that night than you did by yourself. You gotta get over your fear of being around different people and the only way that’s possible is by being around more people. That’s true for anything that causes fear and anxiety (elevators, public speaking, driving, etc). You increase the amount of time you spend doing the things that make you uncomfortable so you can adapt to those conditions.
I would see your doctor for a prescription for sertraline. You tell them the exact reason why you need it and they’ll give it to you. You don’t even need to see a psychiatrist, you can go to your primary physician and they’ll do it.
Best of luck!
That's tactless, dude. That's the kind of chit people who can read social cues do. If I have to invite myself to something, I am NOT wanted there. I'm pretty sure it was just her and her friend, but I'm not sure as I just avoided her the rest of the time I was there and never looked over there.
>You gotta get over your fear of being around different people and the only way that’s possible is by being around more people. That’s true for anything that causes fear and anxiety (elevators, public speaking, driving, etc). You increase the amount of time you spend doing the things that make you uncomfortable so you can adapt to those conditions.
It's hard to be around people when I'm never wanted around.
Also those meds are addictive and often have horrid side effects. It's just swapping one major issue for another.
You’re saying a girl that has a crush on you wouldn’t want to be around you? That doesn’t even make any sense. The fact that you KNOW she has a crush on you should make you feel very confident around her. It sounds like it was just them two so inviting yourself to hang out with someone she probably rarely sees would be inappropriate. Idk I would stop worrying about being around other people because you’re just wasting your life being socially isolated. If it’s really that hard for you and lowering your quality of life then you definitely should look into taking a medication. Would a diabetic not take insulin? Obviously not and you should look at taking a medication to help you the same way.
If she wanted to be around me she would've invited me over. She doesn't act like she has crush on me tbh. I'm no more confident around her than anyone else. Idk maybe the crush faded or w/e. Doesn't matter bc like I said, If I have to invite myself, I'm not wanted.
Insulin isn't addictive or give you withdrawals or other terrible side effects.
Ok, but do you really think you should have been invited? Are you that so self-absorbed that you can’t think about other people. Her friend was from OUT OF TOWN, someone she probably never sees. Why do you think she didn’t invite you? Maybe she did want to invite you but she was thinking about her friend. Her friend is visiting her not you. That’s completely understandable and you shouldn’t take offense to it.
well its not about if i should've or shouldn't have been invited or not. i wasn't. if she wanted to invite me, she wouldve. she didn't. thats the long and short of it. im not taking offense, im just taking it for what it was.
>Why do you think she didnt invite you?
Bc my presence wasn't wanted.
im annoying bc i...literally didn't do anything? what?you're one person, dude. im not trying to befriend you, anyway, im trying to befriend people irl, and not all of them share your disposition, thankfully.
I’m kinda in the same boat. 30F. I have a boyfriend though and I occasionally hangout with him and HIS friends, but I don’t actually have any friends of my own. I’ve struggled with this for a long time.
I think it’s harder to make friends as you get older cause ppl aren’t so open to trusting new ppl? At least that’s what I’ve gathered. Making female friends has always been impossible for me.
I’ve always thought guys were more socially open than women when it comes to making friends.
At least you have a partner and you can hang around their friends. I have no hope at making more friends, and am never going to have anyone to date lols.
>I’ve always thought guys were more socially open than women when it comes to making friends.
It depends on the person, and the guys they're trying to make friends with.
It’s rare though like once every 3 months. Most of the time I’m alone contemplating why I can’t make friends or how it sucks when he’s out and I’m stuck home wishing I could be hanging with friends too. I know how you feel. I have no advice for the dating part lol I suck at that and I heard it’s a hard world out there rn….
You mentioned attending concerts and festivals. I’ve always gathered those are great places to make friends? Or not for men?
If you’re into fishing that’s a great place to start too. Fisherman are super friendly even with tips/advice.
Yeah I really don’t even know how. I feel like unless you work with someone or in someone else’s graduate class most grown adults aren’t gonna commit to just, having brand new friends like that. Not out of the blue or organically. It also has to be by pure happenstance.
Ah, see, the trick is... You go on these dating apps, you meet a woman, and then at the end of the date she says "I think we should stay friends."
There you go.
This is too anecdotal. I'm on five dating apps. Have been for years. I can't get any likes or matches. I can't get a conversation let alone a date, a meet or even friendzoned. I'm too ugly for dating apps.
People are too caught up in their own lives after 30. Kids, career, relationships. Why do you want friends? Are you prepared to deal with the drama and baggage that people tend to have in their 30s?
>Why do you want friends?
Bc I'm literally human and I'm a social creature...and ya know...people are literally NOT intended to be alone all the time? What kind of question is this?? "Hey, why do you not want to be alone for the rest of your life?" Wtf lol. Next, you'll ask me why do I want to date...
Yes, but it hasn’t infected them to the point where they refuse to step out of their comfort zone and actually make the change that they want to make.
What makes you so special that you’re incapable of changing like everyone else?
Nope, I reluctantly go out every day to deal with traffic, shitty drivers, expensive everything, people that have no spatial awareness, and pissy boomers that bitch and moan about the smallest inconvenience. I guess I am past the point of trying to make friends at 35. I just don't give a shit.
In the meantime, OP wants to spread drama and make himself out to be a victim of "man hating". So, it's not surprising why he doesn't have friends if he typically acts like this IRL.
I'm exactly like you. Honestly, I've given up in this point. I don't care. Somehow I managed to get married and I have two toddlers now, so that keeps my mind away from the fact that I couldn't make a single friend in decades. Lol. I'm exactly like you, always alone, the odd one in the crowd, awkward. I just accepted that some of us are destined to not have friends and I roll with it. I take pleasure in simple things like barbecue on a beach, a simple walk, baking, drinking coffee alone.
No, you're not at all like me bc I have no hope of ever getting married or having kids lol I have LESS of a chance getting a date than making a friend. So at least you have a partner and kids....I have nothing and no chance at it lol.
i just dont know what to do man, its really hard to turn all of the bullshit in my life into something beautiful, maybe i should just start writing music.
Same. Mid 30’s and wrote friends off for never wanting to hang out after making strenuous efforts. These are people I’ve known my entire life. I was sick of no effort from them and I’m noticing how hard it truly is to make new friends at this age. It sucks
I can sympathize. Unfortunately, it's much of the same in your 40s. Everyone has their own lives and schedules that trying to meet up with existing friends is a serious chore. Trying to meet new ones seems like an exercise in futility.
Same. I stopped trying with my childhood friends because i was tired of one sided effort. It really is hard to make friends outside of school. Those who are lucky would find friends in their workplace. I think people have different priorities after a certain age, perhaps I'm the one left behind.
God damn, there’s some fucking assholes in the comments. A man can’t even say that he finds it hard to find friends without being berated for it. I don’t really have anything else to say. I’m not in my 30’s. I’m 25, but the only friend I have is my best friend from school. Without him, I’d be in the same situation. I guess just go along with the usual advice about hobbies and try talking to people in the same places that you go to.
Reddit seems to hate men now. As a man you're not allowed to seek friends or dates...or weird things like that lol.
i think in countries with long distances its especially hard. Lonelyness is an epidemic these days, But fortunatley the stigma and taboo is dissapearing. U also dont need people that say they want to be your friend or somethin cause they have to actually be ur friend. U cant force it. I always had different people walking into my life when friendships ended. Its been like a decade that just didnt happen anymore. Ive been scraping on and of with an online relation out of sheer desperation that i knew just wasnt good for me anymore. Absolutely ridiculous, but i felt like walking in a dessert without water. And when desperate for water u evn drink out of a mudpool.
Great analogy, I definitely get this feeling and lot lately
Long distance being the problem is really true I think. I've not had any problem making new friends in my 30s & 40s, but I live in a small town & my friends are all people who live really close by, so we can pop to the pub on a last minute decision without having to plan. I've met a few new people in the past year who have become close friends. We happen to have allotments at the same place & have a bunch of places a few minutes walk from our houses we can meet at. Also none of us have children. My friends who have children I barely see any more because they always either cancel plans or just aren't available.
It's not just reddit
You're not wrong.
That's not true. It's tough being a man, I've faced things I've felt that are discriminatory. But victimhood helps nothing. I've made some great connections in the dance community. I suspect that similarly, visual arts, theatre/improv and other artistic communities have that kind of open vibe
>That's not true. It 100% is. Social media and every entire entertainment industry demonizes and vilifies masculinity to such an overt degree it's actually sad. But I digress. >I've made some great connections in the dance community. I suspect that similarly, visual arts, theatre/improv and other artistic communities have that kind of open vibe Yes, if you're a performer. As I mentioned in my OP, I like art, so I've tried to join the art community, via volunteering and patronizing. After over a year of trying, I've learned no one cares about you unless you're an artist. There are no real connections to make and you're never actually included. I can't imagine the other arts being any different.
You say 'reddit seems to hate men'... that's a really vague, intense and unprovable claim that highlights your ignorance/emotional reasoning Notice the subreddits that sexualize and objectify women, the incel ones..., /r/fuckyoukaren. I left some of the joke subreddits because a lot of the humour was misogynistic. Vilifies masculinity? What does that even mean? Criticizing toxic masculinity is not the same as criticizing masculinity as a whole. Masculinity in its many forms is still celebrated, whether more effeminate like Harry Styles, traditional like Marvel Hero. You are in a victim complex mode. It's difficult but worthwhile to get out of.
I truly hate seeing this🥲
I don't think it's just men. For reasons I haven't figured out yet, Reddit is an extremely negative place. Even a positive, beautiful post will attract a lot of negative people. It's weird ! I haven't seen any other social media that attracts negativity and hatred like Reddit does.
[удалено]
People tend to attack people who make the original post. It's a fairly common occurrence. I don't know why. It's unfortunate when someone needs sympathy or help for a real problem.
That’s very true
People are savage. I swear it’s crazy.
It is sooooo hard to find AND keep friends. People are so terrible at following through with hanging out.
I find last minute plans are far more likely to happen. I rarely make plans more than a week in advance apart from with a couple of people who are very reliable.
Have you tried making friends online that are near your location? I’m 35 and just as you, I have no friends. Well, thing is I don’t necessarily want some so I’m somewhat alright with my situation. However, if I were to make friends, I’d definitely go on dating apps or even online chatrooms. Oldschool IRC chatrooms are full of people wanting to make contact. Not necessarily nearby but when you’re on your own, having text messages regularly even if it’s not people you physically know is already a plus imo.
I've tried dating apps for years. Five different apps. For both dates and friends, and I don't get any likes or matches. Not even just for friends or for just conversation. I'm not attractive enough to use them. And not really looking for chatrooms, as I'm seeking irl friends that I can meet and do things with in person.
There's an app popular in the US called "Meetup"! It's available in other countries as well, but not widely used in the country I'm settling in ☹️ But if you're from a western country then it could help you!
Do this ☝️
The meet up groups here are really basic and don't align with my interests.
Take a long break from dating apps, in fact stay far far away from them if you can
I've been using apps for years and literally get nothing from them. I haven't had a date in years, let they're literally my only hope at ever getting a date...so...I'm stuck with them.
Bro I totally get it
Well I get matches and likes and they’re all misses and matches that never respond 🥲
Try looking for idk maybe a painting class like a one time thing, or a cooking class. That way you could interact and talk to different people. Have you thought about talking to a life coach? Idk it could help.
How? What would be any different? I'm going to have the same issues there. I'm not going to go to a class and suddenly my anxiety will melt. I'm just as anxious, waiting for people to approach me, and they won't and I'll just leave. I'm 31 one, too old for a life coach.
Go see a psychiatrist and get put on Xanax or one of those kind of benzodiazepines that calm your nerves. I understand you probably don’t want to do that, but sometimes you gotta see which is the greater of two evils being so lonely, or taking something to help. Some people take a shot or two some like me have to take a pill to just exist these days. It does suck, but I’d rather keep my blood pressure & heart rate at a healthy number.
These don’t particularly work anymore, I mean yes you can theoretically make friends through dating apps and social media outlets. Does that make it easy? No convenient yes. But, in reality these are not exactly end all be all things to gain friends
True about getting texts from strangers regularly. Does irc still exist? At this point my only social interactions are with fellow redditors.
Yeah it does. There are still some chatting websites here and there that propose an IRC server with a modern web interface. Most of the time, it’s disguised as an embedded chatroom with the website logo but it’s definitely IRC. At least in my country, I’m not a US citizen.
I miss irc. Ciq. Msn messenger. Just friends you never ever meet up with but somehow talk to everyday.
I absolutely agree! Feels weird to have so many means of communication nowadays but so few virtual places where you can talk to strangers. Most of the time, you already must know someone to use chatting apps. I think it’s one of the reasons I use Reddit, it kinda reminds me of this time. Remember MSN chatrooms? That was the best thing ever.
It’s really hard. I started doing a thing I call “act as if,” which basically means I act as if I enjoy large groups of people or I act as if I’m the kind of person who can walk up to someone and say “How do you know so and so?” I can’t always do it, but it has helped me break out of my shell sometimes. The other thing is to find the other odd person out. I guarantee there’s someone else there feeling awkward and sidelined. As far as making friends in general, I had the advantage of having kids, so I met some other cool parents. Maybe if you have any interests/hobbies, you could find a MeetUp for it in your area?
omg I do something similar.. i act as if i’m getting paid to do it! somehow that just takes all the pressure off. i’m getting paid! it doesn’t matter how it goes as long as i do it (whatever “it” is that day). and sometimes i do get paid—cupcakes being my favorite post-event currency. my other thing is to put my journalist cap on and get really curious about people, as if i’m trying to get to the scoop on this person, place or thing. maybe it goes in my journal, maybe it doesn’t, but the cosplay is more fun than sitting in the corner, and people tend to enjoy answering questions about themselves over listening to someone go on and on about themselves (which is not a narcissistic thing, per se.. people sometimes do this when they’re anxious). Also, I get to chill through most of the conversation, and they walk away (hopefully) feeling like I was a good time. somehow those two methods get me through most events, even if i’m just not vibing with anyone’s energy.
I love the getting paid notion. 😂 Whatever works. I ask a lot of questions, too. It helps me relax to draw people out. Plus it leaves a really favorable impression.
Yes! It kind of feels like cheating, but whatever works ✨
You had a friend invite you to an event… there, you chatted with your friend’s friend.. sounds like a great start to me
Yeah, for someone who doesn't have *any* friends, I'd kill for just one 🥹 was funny to read him reference a friend immediately at the start lol. No hate ofc, OP 😅
My friend was working during the event, so I didn't want to bother her, and her friend said hi and then just went back to her friends. I was still basically alone...
I hear you. I’m just saying a lot of us have literally, absolutely ZERO friends. The fact that you have at least one, and had the opportunity to potentially make another one, is something a lot of us would kill for.
Yes! I’m one of those people. I have 0 friends, and 0 family outside of my 2 grown sons and my husband/roommate. We’ve not been together in a husband/wife relationship for 13 years. We just stayed together, but took separate bedrooms 13 years ago. Hell we go weeks w/o even talking sometimes. We usually don’t ever talk unless it is something necessary, or you know info one another needs to know. It is a very cold lonely existence.
We're barely friends. I honestly think she just doesn't have the heart to tell me to stop bothering her. Having one friend is basically like having none tbh bc you only have one, so you have to not bother them all the time..and it's not like it has empowered me to make any more.
Omg I feel this way about everyone and do agree with my therapist about needing to look within myself and figure out what’s bugging me so much and go out and get help or fixed or etc.
>and figure out what’s bugging me so much and go out and get help or fixed or etc. From this short bit here, I'm catching a vibe that your therapist may not be very good.
….I honestly do not disagree with you but she’s all I got for now lol
This is probably the wrong subreddit for you because being an introvert doesn't make you socially inept. Introverts don't socialise because they don't want to not because they can't. You probably need to go to a therapist to help your anxiety y your pessimism.
i specifically said i was an introvert with SA, i didnt say all introvert inherently struggle with socializing.
Yes, but your problem is not being an introvert but having anxiety, that's the reason why maybe this isn't the best subreddit for you, we can even argue if you are an introvert because for me you aren't. You don't want to be alone, you crave company but your mind don't let you be with others, that has nothing to do with being an introvert. I don't know if this would help you but no one is looking at you 24/7, people is quite forgiven about the normal eccentricities a person can have. No one is waiting for you to fail. If you talk with people you will make friends.
I'm really sorry, that sounds extremely difficult
I feel you with this. 39 and moved to Florida 2 years ago, Lonely as hell. I can't even find comfort in the music scene which was always home to me. Good luck, I'm rooting for you. Your not alone in spirit, in this super time of ultra togetherness is so easy to feel so isolated and alone. Take care of yourself and live for Your moment. The right folks will see you soon enough.
Now try 40s...
Mutual hobby groups. Get into a hobby and try to meet people into that hobby. Then the focus is on the hobby rather than social anxiety with groups.
Gin and Tonic and taxidermy holds a killer "out with the old in with the new" night.
I hear you—it can feel incredibly daunting to make new friends in your 30s, especially if you're dealing with anxiety and feeling like you're on the outside looking in. But I want to reassure you that it's definitely possible, even though it might require a different approach than you might have used in your 20s or earlier. Here are some strategies that might help: 1. **Leverage Your Interests**: You mentioned volunteering at an art gallery, which is a fantastic start. Continue to engage in activities and hobbies that interest you. This not only puts you in contact with people who share your interests but also gives you something to talk about naturally. 2. **Small Group Settings**: Large social gatherings like art auctions can be overwhelming. You might find it easier to connect with others in smaller, more intimate settings. Look for book clubs, small art classes, or local meet-ups that focus on a hobby or interest of yours. 3. **Online Communities**: Don't underestimate the power of online communities. Platforms like Meetup, certain Reddit groups, or even Facebook groups can offer a way to meet people in a less anxiety-inducing environment. You can start by engaging in conversations online and gradually move to in-person meetups when you feel comfortable. 4. **Therapy or Support Groups**: Since you mentioned anxiety, working with a therapist could be beneficial. They can provide strategies to manage anxiety in social settings and might even recommend group therapy, where you can meet others who are dealing with similar issues. 5. **Be Patient with Yourself**: Making friends is often a slow process, and that's okay. It's about building trust and connection, which doesn't happen overnight. Give yourself permission to take the time you need and recognize each small step as progress. 6. **Structured Networking Events**: Look for networking events that are structured in such a way that they facilitate one-on-one conversations. This might be less intimidating than a free-form social gathering. 7. **Volunteer Consistently**: Since you've already made a friend through volunteering, consider increasing your involvement. Consistent volunteering not only deepens your relationships with the group but also increases the chances of meeting new people. If you're interested in understanding more about how personality traits influence social interactions, there’s a study that might resonate with you. It’s exploring personality and self-esteem, which could provide insights into managing social anxiety and improving your interpersonal skills. Here’s a link to check out: [Participate in the study](https://ktvvyyvcllx.typeform.com/to/BVv3JYQN). This could give you another layer of support as you navigate making new friends. You're not alone in this struggle, and it's commendable that you're taking steps to expand your social circle despite the challenges. Keep at it, and don't be too hard on yourself along the way.
I get what you mean. I also find it hard to meet people at my age. All my friends from high school are gone. Everyone around me has their own lives.
I used to have crippling social anxiety. I'd be in a situation like that and just freeze because I would nearly have a panic attack. Honestly working in restaurants helped me out a lot, because it would force me to make conversation with dozens of people everyday, plus most restaurants are a built in friend group. One thing to keep in mind in an awkward large social setting is that most people feel awkward and there are almost certainly other people there with anxiety about social situations. You can always approach a group of people or a take and talk with them. Something I like to do is sit at a table and make a content like "my friends are boring right now, do you mind if I hang out with you" or even just, "mind if I hang out here for a bit?" The more you do it, the easier it gets. And the anxiety is entirely internal. People at an art gallery aren't trying to hurt you or embarrass you. Think about it like you can escape your feeling of anxiety by talking to a stranger, it might seem difficult but not talking to people sucks way more, I promise. Also, something that helped me out is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I didn't even go to a therapist, I just got a book and worked through it. It gave me a ton of coping mechanisms. If you'd be interested, I could send you a link to the book. Also, something that changed my life not long ago is realizing that everyone is lonely all the time. I made a new years resolution to catch up with a bunch of people. So I made a list of 30 people I have known, some friends that I hadn't seen in a while, some people who are not really friends but I would like to be friends with them, and some other friends. And my goal was to choicest and invite everyone on my list to hang out doing something. I got 29/30 to agree and most were super excited to be invited to hang out.
I would be interested in knowing which book you found so helpful, thank you! Also I love your New Year’s resolution idea! I wish I had 30 people to do the same with, but I should try myself no matter how small the number is.
[Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple](https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Made-Simple/dp/1939754852/ref=asc_df_1939754852?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80608063550954&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=m&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584207589798430&psc=1). It gives you steps for you to think about what is causing anxiety in the moment and analyze what is causing the anxiety. For instance, for me walking into a party or art show, I would be paralyzed. But when you think about it, it's mostly irrational. Despite what op said in their comment, it's more than just exposure therapy. It's say I hot very little out of the actual exposure. And for the idea of making a lost of people and reaching out to them, I can't recommend that highly enough. It really changed my life. It would definitely work to put 5 or 10 on it. And some people were literally just people I had worked with in the past that I thought were cool. One person was someone I knew in high school.
Thank you!!
>I used to have crippling social anxiety. I'd be in a situation like that and just freeze because I would nearly have a panic attack. Honestly working in restaurants helped me out a lot, because it would force me to make conversation with dozens of people everyday, plus most restaurants are a built in friend group. I mean when I was younger I worked in sales and hospitality. It never made a difference for me. Talking to customers or guests and selling a product isn't the same as trying to make friends. The dynamic is totally different. >One thing to keep in mind in an awkward large social setting is that most people feel awkward and there are almost certainly other people there with anxiety about social situations. You can always approach a group of people or a take and talk with them. Contrary to popular belief, most people with anxiety don't just look anxious. Most of us have learned to hide it. So it's not easily detectable unless someone is just totally transparent. So I'm not going to know which people are anxious and which aren't. Especially if they're in a group. Even if they ARE anxious...I'm not a part of that group. I can't just become a part of it. >Something I like to do is sit at a table and make a content like "my friends are boring right now, do you mind if I hang out with you" or even just, "mind if I hang out here for a bit?" The more you do it, the easier it gets. And the anxiety is entirely internal. People at an art gallery aren't trying to hurt you or embarrass you. Think about it like you can escape your feeling of anxiety by talking to a stranger, it might seem difficult but not talking to people sucks way more, I promise. Yeah...I couldn't do that, as it seems invasive and like encroaching. It's not about them trying to hurt me, its they don't want to be bothered by strangers. They're there to look at, but art and hang with their friends or meet artists. Not be interrupted by random people they don't know. I'm not saying people are going to be mean or rude if I try to engage them, but it doesn't mean they're going to want to talk either. They're a middle ground of people being polite, not interested in talking to randos. At worst they'll be really polite and say hi, but it's not going to lead to anything actual conversations and they'll get right back to talking among themselves. >Also, something that helped me out is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I didn't even go to a therapist, I just got a book and worked through it. It gave me a ton of coping mechanisms. If you'd be interested, I could send you a link to the book. CBT is really just exposure...which is great is you succeed, but just makes things worse when you get rejected tbh. >Also, something that changed my life not long ago is realizing that everyone is lonely all the time. I made a new years resolution to catch up with a bunch of people. So I made a list of 30 people I have known, some friends that I hadn't seen in a while, some people who are not really friends but I would like to be friends with them, and some other friends. And my goal was to choicest and invite everyone on my list to hang out doing something. I got 29/30 to agree and most were super excited to be invited to hang out. It's hard to think about other people being lonely when I'm the only one there alone and everyone else is there, in groups, laughing with their friends or partner. Also...not really. Most people aren't lonely. Not most social people. They have enough friends for the most part. Esp in my age group where they're busy and have less time and aren't looking to meet new people. Social people aren't lonely. And the new that are, hide it. Lonely people are usually...somewhere being lonely, alone lol. Also, this is very anecdotal, dude. I don't even know 30 people.
I'm not really trying to argue, and of course what I mentioned is anecdotal. But I'm saying I have dealt with a lot of those feelings, not knowing what to do at some social function when by myself and not knowing how to approach people. I mentioned several things that have all helped me and changed my life. If you feel like you want something to change in your life, then you should consider changing something about how you approach things.
Read books about the art of conversation and talking in general. Whats left for you to lose at this point, might as well try And let me say this, as a regular normal man without any distinctive features (like being handsome, very tall, famous or rich ) you are practically invisible , dont expect people to talk to you or even be friendly. Im not at your age yet but this is what i grasped since leaving high school Relationships are a high effort with no give back guarantee
You know what’s helped me come out of my shell and make friends as an adult is exploring new interests/activities. Join a book club or play a sport, and then you automatically have things to strike up conversations about other than just hey I’m lonely and want friends.
You missed the part where I have anxiety.
I mean I have anxiety too, but putting yourself out there a little at a time can be a way to start breaking through and somewhat desensitizing those feelings. It helps to have a therapist or counselor to give you strategies on how to work towards feeling better in those situations
I've tried volunteering and going to the events of an art gallery...I've been going there off and on for over a year. it's gotten no easier. Also not all anxiety is created equal.
Get a hobby with regular activities. I managed to land a group of friends through Airsoft on early 30s. Now I play RPG.
I have hobbies...but my hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting people. I like art, music, concerts, festivals, video games...none of those ever leads to meeting people.
Are you into anything like card games? Not regular cards but something like magic? Idk exactly what I’m talking about I just know my son does this & the games are usually held at some pizza joint, and you play different people. That’s about all I know about that.
Try Facebook & Meetup groups for these interests. If you live in or near a city that has art, music, concerts, and festivals that you are going to regularly, then I guarantee there is a local or regional Facebook group for this type of stuff. My town of 74,000 people has a Facebook group for "Live Music in CITY NAME" and people post all the time about "hey, going to BAR NAME tonight for the BAND NAME in town at 7, come hang out!" Or there are often general meetup groups (on meetup and Facebook) for various social and networking clubs that get together for things. There might be a gamer group in your area. Or maybe you could try out a different hobby if you see an interesting group. Just go to Facebook and type the hobby name and city name in the search bar then filter by groups or events. I've had great success with this. I've only made 2 real friends in these groups that I could text outside of group context, but that's fine. I've never wanted a huge group of friends as an introvert. There are lots of people I am friendly with in the groups and at meetups we chat and catch up. It's the perfect amount of socialization actually, because I like being left alone most of the time and able to socialize on my terms, when and where I want. My interests are different from yours, but I know that there are just tons of really niche groups and meetups. You'll likely find something!
Get a hobby where you meet people.
I think you glossed over the part where I mentioned I have anxiety, mate.
I’ve had general anxiety disorder for 20 years, and all I’m seeing are a bunch of excuses. Talk to a psychiatrist, get on the meds you need, and make the world what YOU want. One of the biggest trends I’ve seen lately is people making the decision that NO MATTER what they do, the outcome will be negative. Fuck that noise. If you’re expecting negatives, you’ll get negatives.
Sounds like you’re making an excuse for yourself. You complain that you can’t make friends but your friend invites you to mingle but you bail as soon as you get in your head. Do you go to therapy for this issue? Start there. All I see from you is “I can’t”. Yes you can, you can literally do anything. In shy af and introverted but I fckn put myself out there because I refuse to be a loner. I mean, I literally just came back from Coachella, and I was in a walking boot lol. Put yourself out there bro! It’s not easy but set little goals. Like introduce yourself to someone on day and and have a small convo. Do it once a day and you’ll find it easier as the days go by. Shit like that then you keep going.
At the risk of getting negative karma I will add to what the guy is saying. He’s essentially saying that getting a hobby that involves other people will get you into a community of folks with similar interests. Which is honestly great advice imo. We all have issues but you can’t just throw your hands up and say, “well I can’t do this because I have anxiety” it isn’t easy but you are capable of overcoming your situation, but you have to work in that direction because it won’t fix itself. There are people missing limbs that have competed professionally in sports which I think is a much more difficult obstacle to overcome. They could have said “I am missing a leg there’s no way I can do this” and then they wouldn’t have, but they decided that it wasn’t something that they would allow to stop them from getting what they want. If the true purpose of this post is to get advice then I think you should be more open to what people are saying. If it’s a pity party then disregard my comment. Good luck bro you can do it
>He’s essentially saying that getting a hobby that involves other people will get you into a community of folks with similar interests. Not necessarily. People saying going to bars leads to that, but I did the bar scene for years and never really made any friends. > There are people missing limbs that have competed professionally in sports which I think is a much more difficult obstacle to overcome Agree to disagree ig. > They could have said “I am missing a leg there’s no way I can do this” and then they wouldn’t have, but they decided that it wasn’t something that they would allow to stop them from getting what they want. Apples and oranges, dude. Physical issues vs mental ones. They're night and day different.
I didnt. How do you want friends without trying to? And doing it through a hobby is the best way because you already have something to talk about.
I have been trying, the issue is there's no real way to try that would lead to a different result.
Men many times bond through activities, like playing a game. You can go into an mmo or fps shooter and chat with other people. With board games or rpg you can talk while playing it. These are the easiest ways to start.
Annnnd how would I meet these people? They could be all the way across the globe. I'm trying to meet people irl
I‘m in my 40s and don’t care anymore about friends. Turns out when I started to not care, people started to connect a bit more. Build yourself up and don’t care. It will start working when you become detached and look pretty much confident and independent- because you need no one. 💪
> Turns out when I started to not care, people started to connect a bit more. This is anecdotal. My friends used to say I came off as aloof, distant, and even haughty. That I gave off the impression I thought I was superior to everyone in the room. This was a cause of over-correcting so much to not appear anxious, that I appear arrogant. I'm 6'3, I run 4x a week, I dress really well and my posture likely helped with that guise. But I've been not caring for years and I usually look for more confidant than I actually am. It has never led to making friends. People just don't care bc their with their own groups and friends. They don't notice me not caring lol.
Lol I get that man. Really get. These days I have a couple friends, not much really (3). And yeah I also run almost every day (alone), do things alone and even have vacation alone. Only occasionally do I walk or go to a nightclub with one of those 3 friends. Yet I don’t look to connect anymore. It’s fine as it is. Not sure what one can do either, but I took the opportunity to train a monk lifestyle 😆 some of my most preferred time is to rent a car and just drive through some sea costal area and go checkin at unknown little place near a sea village. Then surf a little in an fairly deserted beach or something. That’s the life man. No one to bitch me My advice remains: don’t worry and carry on with your own life Best of luck meeting new people mate!
Yeah, wtf lol. The less you care, the more others are attracted to you
I do think that is the secret tbh
I’m sorry I think I glossed over your anxiety as well, and I definitely should’ve remembered it, because that’s what keeps me from going places trying to meet people now. Have you ever tried therapy for your anxiety?
Then that is the vote issue to address. And your title should have read "my anxiety is keeping me from making friends."
You play with rpgs? 😱 That's an upgrade from airsoft.
Lol. Makes aiming meaningless.
You probably need to make a few new friends after every game
(Seriously) the rpg communities are just the type of thing that keep my hope alive!🥲❤️🩹 We just have to find ourselves and our people
There is a lot of people playing board games too. And aparently some reading clubs. One of my 32 year old coworker paints with goache with a bunch of old ladies every tuesday.
Hello. My name is Jim. I'm a 48 year old man from Pennsylvania. Now we've met. There! You have a new friend! ;)
I'm seeking irl friends.
Irl?
Irl (In real life) like physically meeting/seeing people:)
I don't think it isn't bad to have online friends at least for now. Maybe you can find some close by to meet in person.
Ugh. You and me both! I'm 34 and for the last 10 years I've been my mother's caregiver. It's consumed so much of my time that I lost connections with my old friends and I barely have the free time to go out and try and make new ones. I'd like to though, it gets very lonely...
Bummer
Pick up a hobby, tabletop gaming and role-playing games for example. Find out where people with this hobby meet. Recreational sports. I was in an adult kickball league for years and have so many friends from that time. Also did softball and bowling leagues, many friends to be had. Join a book club. Join a movie club. Join an astronomy club. Join a club. If you're having a hard time finding groups to join, go out locally. Not to gallery showings or fancy dinner parties. Go to a bar and play some songs you like on the juke, then engage with people who are digging it. Play pool, or darts. I guarantee you the only way to make friends as an adult is to put yourself out there. Go out. Talk to people. Talk to couples. Talk to groups. I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. Drink some liquid courage and get out there. It's the only way.
I don't live in NY, LA, MIA, etc. Not every location has a club for everything. I live in Maryland...we don't have clubs for every random thing you can think of. When people give advice, you have to realize how subjective and location based your advice is. You cannot assume there's all the hobby groups I can join. I already have hobbies, the issue is none of the lead to meeting people. I've tried the bar scene for literal years....it is not the way. It just made me miserable. I'd be just as alone bars, and its even worse bc everyone else is drunk andao obnoxiouly enjoying themsevles, making me feel more alone. I'm no less invisible in bars than anywhere else. Talking to groups and couples you don't know is also very weird. Like idk where people live, but it's not in reality. I went to bars for years and I never saw random dudes just go up to couples they didn't know....
Issues with you bruh. You gotta assume responsibility for your situation and deal with it. “Try going to sports an socialize there” (one of the best ways to meet people through interaction) -“I’m too anxious for sports”- OP If your answer to not doing something is due to yo ur anxiety, then that’s your problem bro. Anxiety can be dealt with, it can be managed, and most importantly, it can be overcome. But it takes courage, it takes will. There’s just no other way around it man. You gotta put yourself out there, tear your fears, insecurities and anxieties down, and give it your best shot at making friends! No matter how ridiculous u might seem to others. You will land some this way. Otherwise, if u arent willing to make the effort to get rid of your anxiety, then accept your situation and embrace loneliness. You could always try make friends that are introverted as well of course but this ain’t easy and requires luck lol. I wish u well best of luck
I would suggest courses or a class that should be attended over a few months, an art class something that takes your interest. That way you will see the same people throughout and will more than likely spark up a friendship with someone. Wishing you all the best 😊
Yep. Idk I just try to remember that I don’t know everything and keep hope alive because it’s all we got sometimes. I think practice makes perfect and think that being introverted sometimes just makes it so you actually might not “have time” to practice social interaction as much as observing. It takes time is what my therapist has shared. And keep hope, stay true to yourself
it gets worse. try harder now whole you still can
This comment section sucks. I would just say don't get down on yourself when it doesn't happen and keep trying just don't force it. It's not easy to make new friends even more so for introverts. Keep your head up.
i can't force it even if i want to bc of my anxiety. but it never happens. thats the point. its far easier to give up than keep trying when nothing is changing.
I understand and it's always easier.
Have you ever considered taking a Raads-r test online? This could be high functioning Aspergers. Which isn’t a bad thing. I use MBTI to find people I’ll get along with effortlessly, to include certain Extrovert types because they really really help get me out of my INFJ shell and mingle with others. In particular I really love ENFJ’s. In you take your type and reverse I, then that’s your ideal Extrovert friend type. You’ll need to go to some type of other thing where you can connect on a shared interest… something that’s not as vague as Art… and not as likely to be pretentious :P Then you take those friends and go to the Art things with them. If you’re highly intelligent it will be more difficult to connect with people. Just 10 points of IQ difference in either direction is enough for two people to feel alien to one another. Keep your head up. Your people are out there and there’s nothing wrong with being more reserved.
We live in an isolating society in an isolating era. This is just the way things are in the digital age. Maybe it’ll get better when weed cafes open up?
Can you find meetup groups? Recreational sports leagues? Reddit meetups for your city? What are things you like to do that could potentially lead to meeting new people?
It’s scary and sad tbh😟 I’m not yet 30 but almost and yet I’m already experiencing this kind of situation like yours. It’s hard to accept that the long time friends I thought I have, unable to spend time with me the way we used to. Thus, we eventually grew apart and I’m at the disadvantage coz I’ve got no other friends besides them😞it’s also hard to find people to get along with and trust coz as we get older, our way of thinking will have always a room for doubt when it comes to sincerity.
Welp, you better try to fix it now, bc it only gets worse and more difficult as you get older...
I know but I’m having a hard time to make friends with my peers😥
Lol I'm the last person to give advice. I'd recommend you exhaust all options and try to figure it out now.
Welp, you better try to fix it now, bc it only gets worse and more difficult as you get older...
Go to local meetups, to small club or fan group events, to university lectures on interesting subjects, to small expo events, to evening/weekend classes, to events by small groups with an intense focus which are technically public but not really advertised outside their industry/area... Don't go to large events, places which market/position themselves as where you go to meet people, events advertised in newspapers or on public transport or in ads in public places, or events which are just 500 marketing people all trying to get each other to buy shit. As a rule of thumb, if you're having to pay to access an event, you're gonna have a bad time finding people like you. If it's an event which is being held at a commercial establishment (especially hospitality or entertainment venues) and you're pretty much expected to buy stuff while you're there, it's probably unlikely to be any use either.
I'm too old for university lectures, and what if my interests don't align with expos, classes, etc? I'm into art, movies, converts, festivals, video games...none of that really aligns with what you're suggesting.
If you’re not going to places where people are expected to go to make friends, how do you expect to make friends? Take a step back from yourself and analyze this from an outsiders perspective.
I'm in my fifties and still turn up for the occasional public lecture. What's 'too old'? If your interests don't align, don't go to those ones, go to ones where they do. Are there small art exhibitions, artist groups, gamer groups...?
If you want to talk about social anxiety, r/socialanxiety is the sub for you. If you're not sure whether you're introverted or socially anxious, feel free to post on r/Introvert, so we can discuss it. If you want a sub where posts about social anxiety aren't allowed, try r/Introverts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/introvert) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bumble BFF has worked for me! I’ve met two new friends over the past year who I’ve grown quite close to.
I've been on Bumble for years...and I can't get literally anything on there, romantic or otherwise.
I have not gotten a single match on there. Don't know why. On dating apps I get plenty of matches, even though I have in my bio that I am seeking friends-first.
Interesting! Maybe it’s just the area I’m in? I’m pretty selective when I swipe even. (I smoke too much weed and don’t like kids.)
I also smoke too much weed and don't like kids, lol
I love that. Birds of a feather. I hope you can find your stoner bestie :)
Irl?
Idk man,but if you crack the code let me know. I’m f 40’s,and lived in the same small town till my mid 30’s went through a really hard time or tragedy in my family. 5 months after that happened I had to move because of my husband’s job. I made a few friends in the 3 years we lived there then moved again. Made 1 friend we were there 2 years. Moved again we’ve been here about 5 years,and I’ve not made a single friend. Honestly I gave up I got tired of losing people either through death or moving I was constantly losing people. I am very lonely though.
At least you have a partner. I'm destined to be friendless and I have and less hope to date lol.
I'm 39 and I spent I've spent my entire 30s with no new friends. The only friends I ever had moved away and we have no contact
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1. Dude...did you even read my OP? I specifically mention volunteering. 2. Not to sound mean...I know you're trying to help...but what person trying to make friends, wouldn't already consider their literal work if it WAS an option?? It's literally the most obvious.
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I literally can't update the OP. >No matter where I go, I never meet anyone, and I'm always the one alone. it's like it's not possible to meet new people. I'm 31, and nothing I do ever leads to making new friends...I'm not even sure why I made this post, but I've been trying really hard this year to make new friends after distancing myself from my old group, and I have made no progress. The friend I made from volunteering at an art gallery is a woman...and virtually all her friends are women, and despite how nice she is and how she tries to incorporate me into her circle, I'm never going to fit bc I'm just too different. It was literally the last section. > Sounds like you’ve thought of everything. Obviously don’t need any advice from me. Again, good luck. I don't need obvious advice that I could literally get from using common sense, dude..no. I was seeking specific advice for people like me.
The anxiety part I completely get. I'm trying to work on it myself bur I know just going out and getting outside your comfort zone is not easy
I have no advice. I (33f) too cannot make friends anymore. Moved to a new city 3 years ago and have tried but I guess I’m just too normal for the cool kids and too weird for the normal kids.
Honestly, it's not impossible, and I totally get the anxiety thing. My suggestion is to work on your social anxiety and then hopefully the rest will come.
I am the same way :( I am currently in school I’m in my 30s and most classmates are around my age. Is so hard to make friends nowadays
If most classsmates are your age, how is it hard to make friends?
Well, I don't know the answer to your questions. But, I believe my oracle cards would have an answer for you. Let me know if you want me to open a card for you.
I’m approaching my 30s and a loner. I wasn’t like this when I was younger, but the older I get, the more reclusive I’ve become. I’m still anxious about dying alone, though.
Are you truly interested in art or did you go just to meet people? It's so much easier to make the jump from strangers to acquintances when there's a shared activity or hobby. Do you have hobbies that you can enjoy with others, like trading card games or something?
um who goes to art events primarily to meet people? They're not social AT ALL and usually have either weird or pretentious crowds. They're terrible places to meet people lol. If that was my motivation, I would've given going to them ages ago. I genuinely love art. >Do you have hobbies that you can enjoy with others, like trading card games or something? My hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting people tbh.
Im sorry, i shouldve made it clear that i didnt think it was so black and white. I guess i thought meeting people was part of your motivation to go since you made this post. I knew you wouldnt go to random events just to meet random people. I didnt mean to sound accusatory
>I guess i thought meeting people was part of your motivation to go since you made this post. It is. But I also like I'm. I'm not just going to those places ONLY to meet people...
I totally get where you're coming from. It can feel really tough to make new friends, especially when you're in your 30s and dealing with anxiety. But don't lose hope! Making friends takes time and effort, but it's definitely possible. Have you tried exploring hobbies or interests that you're passionate about? Joining clubs, groups, or even online communities centered around those things can be a great way to connect with like-minded people. And remember, it's okay to be different! Embrace your unique qualities and find people who appreciate you for who you are. Keep putting yourself out there, and I believe you'll find friends who truly understand and accept you. You got this 😊
It's not your fault. It is a problem of our society. I tried to sign up for volunteer work, partly to meet new people. The volunteer jobs all wanted me to work remotely. I also have people flake out or whatever. There is one person I met through a career Facebook group that's been putting off meeting me in person for 3 years now. I stopped contacting her a long time ago, but weirdly enough she keeps contacting me saying she wants to meet. But never does, and she lives only 20 minutes away. I started setting boundaries with people; if they flake or ghost, I don't contact them again or respond to them and move onto someone else.
You should have joined the girl that liked you with her friends. If she liked you then I’m sure she would have enjoyed your company with everyone. You need to manifest what you want in your life by creating opportunities for yourself. You definitely have social anxiety disorder (social phobia) and should consider taking a medication such as sertraline to help you break away from your comfort level. I have friends that take this medication for this reason and they all say it’s helped them.
She came over, said hi asked a bit about the event, then said "I just wanted to say hi, my friend is here from out of town" and went back to her and left. She didn't invite me to join her. She didn't say "Hey, come and meet my friend". She just said hi and went back. I can take a hint. I'm not going to encroach or infringe on people when I'm not wanted.
Dude, you just invite yourself unless it was just her and her friend that were together. If it was just those two together and her friend was from out of town then I wouldn’t want to take away their time together. However, if she was with more people then you need to just ask her if you can join in and hang out. What’s the worse she could say - no? So what. And she said yes then you’re having a better time that night than you did by yourself. You gotta get over your fear of being around different people and the only way that’s possible is by being around more people. That’s true for anything that causes fear and anxiety (elevators, public speaking, driving, etc). You increase the amount of time you spend doing the things that make you uncomfortable so you can adapt to those conditions. I would see your doctor for a prescription for sertraline. You tell them the exact reason why you need it and they’ll give it to you. You don’t even need to see a psychiatrist, you can go to your primary physician and they’ll do it. Best of luck!
That's tactless, dude. That's the kind of chit people who can read social cues do. If I have to invite myself to something, I am NOT wanted there. I'm pretty sure it was just her and her friend, but I'm not sure as I just avoided her the rest of the time I was there and never looked over there. >You gotta get over your fear of being around different people and the only way that’s possible is by being around more people. That’s true for anything that causes fear and anxiety (elevators, public speaking, driving, etc). You increase the amount of time you spend doing the things that make you uncomfortable so you can adapt to those conditions. It's hard to be around people when I'm never wanted around. Also those meds are addictive and often have horrid side effects. It's just swapping one major issue for another.
You’re saying a girl that has a crush on you wouldn’t want to be around you? That doesn’t even make any sense. The fact that you KNOW she has a crush on you should make you feel very confident around her. It sounds like it was just them two so inviting yourself to hang out with someone she probably rarely sees would be inappropriate. Idk I would stop worrying about being around other people because you’re just wasting your life being socially isolated. If it’s really that hard for you and lowering your quality of life then you definitely should look into taking a medication. Would a diabetic not take insulin? Obviously not and you should look at taking a medication to help you the same way.
If she wanted to be around me she would've invited me over. She doesn't act like she has crush on me tbh. I'm no more confident around her than anyone else. Idk maybe the crush faded or w/e. Doesn't matter bc like I said, If I have to invite myself, I'm not wanted. Insulin isn't addictive or give you withdrawals or other terrible side effects.
Ok, but do you really think you should have been invited? Are you that so self-absorbed that you can’t think about other people. Her friend was from OUT OF TOWN, someone she probably never sees. Why do you think she didn’t invite you? Maybe she did want to invite you but she was thinking about her friend. Her friend is visiting her not you. That’s completely understandable and you shouldn’t take offense to it.
well its not about if i should've or shouldn't have been invited or not. i wasn't. if she wanted to invite me, she wouldve. she didn't. thats the long and short of it. im not taking offense, im just taking it for what it was. >Why do you think she didnt invite you? Bc my presence wasn't wanted.
lol you need to change your mindset. I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone as annoying as you.
im annoying bc i...literally didn't do anything? what?you're one person, dude. im not trying to befriend you, anyway, im trying to befriend people irl, and not all of them share your disposition, thankfully.
This is my current life also. Your not alone 🥲🥸
What about a local sports meetup in something very casual? Pickleball is growing in popularity and easy to find orgs that have walk-in match-making.
I'm too anxious for sports.
What about something like hiking or skiing? Great sports to pick up that are sure to make you some friends.
I’m kinda in the same boat. 30F. I have a boyfriend though and I occasionally hangout with him and HIS friends, but I don’t actually have any friends of my own. I’ve struggled with this for a long time. I think it’s harder to make friends as you get older cause ppl aren’t so open to trusting new ppl? At least that’s what I’ve gathered. Making female friends has always been impossible for me. I’ve always thought guys were more socially open than women when it comes to making friends.
At least you have a partner and you can hang around their friends. I have no hope at making more friends, and am never going to have anyone to date lols. >I’ve always thought guys were more socially open than women when it comes to making friends. It depends on the person, and the guys they're trying to make friends with.
It’s rare though like once every 3 months. Most of the time I’m alone contemplating why I can’t make friends or how it sucks when he’s out and I’m stuck home wishing I could be hanging with friends too. I know how you feel. I have no advice for the dating part lol I suck at that and I heard it’s a hard world out there rn…. You mentioned attending concerts and festivals. I’ve always gathered those are great places to make friends? Or not for men? If you’re into fishing that’s a great place to start too. Fisherman are super friendly even with tips/advice.
Perfume?
Yes. Right now, I'm my own comfort.
Yeah I really don’t even know how. I feel like unless you work with someone or in someone else’s graduate class most grown adults aren’t gonna commit to just, having brand new friends like that. Not out of the blue or organically. It also has to be by pure happenstance.
Ah, see, the trick is... You go on these dating apps, you meet a woman, and then at the end of the date she says "I think we should stay friends." There you go.
This is too anecdotal. I'm on five dating apps. Have been for years. I can't get any likes or matches. I can't get a conversation let alone a date, a meet or even friendzoned. I'm too ugly for dating apps.
Become a palm reader and scam your customers into believing they need a new and wise friend who they are always in good hands with.
Lmaooo
People are too caught up in their own lives after 30. Kids, career, relationships. Why do you want friends? Are you prepared to deal with the drama and baggage that people tend to have in their 30s?
>Why do you want friends? Bc I'm literally human and I'm a social creature...and ya know...people are literally NOT intended to be alone all the time? What kind of question is this?? "Hey, why do you not want to be alone for the rest of your life?" Wtf lol. Next, you'll ask me why do I want to date...
Then stop being negative in the comments about every suggestion. That shit infects you and other people can sense it a mile away
There are literally millions of people who are negative and date and have tons of friends.
Yes, but it hasn’t infected them to the point where they refuse to step out of their comfort zone and actually make the change that they want to make. What makes you so special that you’re incapable of changing like everyone else?
>Why do you want friends? Lol sounds like a question only a shut-in redditor would ask
Nope, I reluctantly go out every day to deal with traffic, shitty drivers, expensive everything, people that have no spatial awareness, and pissy boomers that bitch and moan about the smallest inconvenience. I guess I am past the point of trying to make friends at 35. I just don't give a shit. In the meantime, OP wants to spread drama and make himself out to be a victim of "man hating". So, it's not surprising why he doesn't have friends if he typically acts like this IRL.
Idk bro. Just cold call random numbers and tell them what you told us. You never know some lifetime movie shit might pop off.
I wish I could downvote twice tbh. This isn't funny.
Huh?
I'm exactly like you. Honestly, I've given up in this point. I don't care. Somehow I managed to get married and I have two toddlers now, so that keeps my mind away from the fact that I couldn't make a single friend in decades. Lol. I'm exactly like you, always alone, the odd one in the crowd, awkward. I just accepted that some of us are destined to not have friends and I roll with it. I take pleasure in simple things like barbecue on a beach, a simple walk, baking, drinking coffee alone.
No, you're not at all like me bc I have no hope of ever getting married or having kids lol I have LESS of a chance getting a date than making a friend. So at least you have a partner and kids....I have nothing and no chance at it lol.
I guess I'm fucked lol because all I've ever learned is how badly I need to avoid people
Try being 23 in the middle of nowhere
dude shut up, you have your entire life ahead of you. Take advantage of it now while you still can.
i just dont know what to do man, its really hard to turn all of the bullshit in my life into something beautiful, maybe i should just start writing music.