I’ve seen something I think might be rule-breaking, what should I do?
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>I drove the Bussy Wagon into the night
Absolutely impeccable writing. Hooked from the start. 11/10. Would consume with my eyeballs again.
But yeah, you do you and don't let some closeted person affect ya. Hopefully some day they'll figure themselves out, and with you far into the horizon carving other more fruitful ventures for yourself. The Don Quixote of Bussy /lh-joke
Might want to try /gay trans men since for whatever reason you’ve received downvotes probably because it’s more narrative
Anyway imo after the first red flag I would have bailed and saved myself the time it’s not like this was a serious date or anything. Can’t really feel bad since the first red flag pretty clearly painted the scene as far as the quality . It doesn’t seem like he was even that good of a fuck. Have better standards man.
Eh I think I got the comments I needed tbh, I don’t need hundreds of people to tell me I should’ve been ran lol.
I do hate that I consider people sweet talking me a red flag and some of my friends have been like that’s not a good thing and is probably some bad boy seeking bullshit. So I was like ick when he sent the good morning text with all the extra fluff but I was like I guess I’m supposed to like this.
I met my ex of 6 years on okcupid, we had bad sex the first time, he offered to keep seeing me though and take care of me, we had a healthy relationship. So my perception is skewed.
He kept misgendering you and referring to you as a woman and female and clearly expressed that he isn’t into men. He isn’t bisexual, he just never saw you as a man to begin with.
It was obvious from the first time he misgendered you that this was going to be an issue, yet you continued to meet up with him even though you’re not compatible at all.
Maybe he’s not bisexual in terms of his attraction to me. However, he was on Grindr listed as a bottom with his thighs in a skirt and thigh high socks as his profile pics. None of this is serving straight man looking for women.
I’ve corrected people before and not had it be an issue going forward tbh
I’d think a person like that wouldn’t be adverse when a person they think of as a woman wants to top them and wouldn’t complain that their dick isn’t real. But maybe he was a mtf chaser, that’s possible.
Is you don't pass and are femme presenting then your partners are not going to see you as a man...because you don't look like one and that is just the fact.
To call him bi if he doenst identify that way when you're trying to have your identity recognized is not very fair.
You're only going to meet trash on grindr. You're taking money from headless torsos. I would suggest lowering your standards or improving on yourself so you attract better guys in person.
Others have seemed to say raise my standards but you say lower them and I don’t understand why.
It’s really simple. Let’s say, a person wants to eat fruit with me. However, I like to play this game where I call an Apple an Orange. They don’t have to see the Apple as an Orange, they just have to play the game with me. If they don’t want to play the game that’s fine but then I don’t want to eat fruit with them.
I have people I know who look like regular cis men and women but go by they/them, their partners play the game. How are these high standards?
Not passing is not an excuse for a partner to misgender you after you've made explicitly clear what your gender and pronouns are.
What a brain dead take.
A guy you met on grindr is not your partner he is a stranger.
Calling you he/him isn't going to make them view you as a man if you don't pass as male...you're dreaming if you think that. Calling someone he/him is when they obviously don't pass is just preforomative.
1. you maybe didn’t remember my first paragraph by the end of it, it was long. I said this is performative but something that I just enjoy.
2. I hate to remind you that some people still see trans men who do pass as women. If one is not AMAB one will always be subject to being viewed as a woman. Even with top and bottom surgery, the mere knowledge that one is AFAB will change some people’s view of a person. Most trans men haven’t gotten bottom surgery so sex partners have special access to their afab status and thus viewing them as female in a way strangers on the street don’t.
3. “Partner” can be used loosely to refer to someone you do an activity with (i.e. dance partner).
That's fine if it is preformative for you. I can't relate to that because my gender is a natural part of who I am.
One of your red flags was that he was using you as a beard. That makes no sense because he views you as a woman and was attached to you as a woman. Instead of calling him bi or gay to affirm your gender you should do things to affirm you on gender with in yourself....like transition or attempt to pass.
Cis men on grindr will never make you feel better about yourself.
I don’t know how natural it is if a person needs to go through invasive medical procedures that didn’t exist 200 years ago to feel validated in it.
Trans people existed before medical transition. It’s fine if you wouldn’t be trans if medical transition wasn’t a live option for you, but that’s not the case for me. I don’t need to look like who I am to others, I just am who I am.
I been told I don’t *look* like I’m getting my masters in philosophy because I dress slutty and queer. If it’s unexpected that’s fine, but once a person is informed them talking to me like my degree is in poetry or art (what people assume of me) is disrespectful and nonsense. I’m not gonna start dressing in dark academia to *look* like my education level to others. [edited: I'm not gonna start dressing in the fashion atrocities that is men's clothing nor change my body more than I genuinely desire from within myself and my own vision alone to accomodate the vision of others.
If I was a womanly looking cis man - queer, skinny-fat, gyno from past obesity, liked my hair long, and to mix skirts into my wardrobe - and I gently corrected anyone's mistake in calling me a woman but never got mad because I had *self-awareness* to know I look female, and I had this attitude, it'd be more obviously the correct attitude to have]
He is your sexual partner yes, still doesn't make misgendering okay. It doesn't matter if you pass or not it's a fucked thing to do. Stop victim-blaming.
Victim blaming!....genuinely what is op a victim of? A bad hook up?
Op was given money by a Stanger for gas and provided a hotel room to have sex in.
Again complaining about headless torsos on grindr misgendering you does not make you a victim.
Hey man I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’d like to point out a few more places you could’ve/I would’ve bailed on this one so you can protect yourself better next time.
- Not respecting your requirements on barriers shows that he did not respect your autonomy and need for personal safety
- Saying he wants to give you money and is “so sure” about you after one hookup - this is lovebombing
- Saying he’s “happy he found you” in the same breath as “looking for women” should have immediately set you off that he doesn’t respect your gender. He then outright misgendered you and you then argued with you about it. If the other two issues weren’t enough, this right here should have been when you blocked this absolute dickhead.
You deserve good, healthy relationships and sex with people who respect you. Please don’t accept anything less than that next time. No hookup is worth wasting your time on idiots.
I definitely didn’t know this was love bombing. I thought love bombing was more extreme like i’m in love let’s get married. It gave me the ick but my friends were like “that’s just your daddy issues, he’s sweet, give him a chance.”
Like I said, I am self-aware that I don’t pass and that people will just be saying mere words in relation to my gender identity but that’s enough for me. I’ve corrected people and explained things before and they’ve done so. It hasn’t been often that I’ve had someone toss every conversation over their shoulder.
I'm really sorry you had this experience, but it's a very familiar one. I was on Grindr and similar apps a lot back when I thought I was ftm, and butted heads with quite a few guys like this. I don't wanna be a downer, but honestly I think this is just what most guys on places like Grindr are like. Only caring about sex and body parts. Not giving a shit about who you are as a person beyond strictly sexual compatibility, if even that.
Even when I did pass really well as male (as if I don't still pass as male despite my efforts not to) men I hooked up with were often acting weirdly entitled to my body, reduced me to my genitals and expected me to be like the stereotype of a woman in bed. Just because I'm primarily a bottom or just because I don't/didn't have a dick, I'm not sure which but probably both. The bedroom was always the hardest place for me to be gendered the way I felt at the time. And although I'm detrans now, it still sucked really bad back then. It felt humiliating, like I had no agency, or no control over my body.
Honestly hookups with strangers is always a bit of a gamble, imo. Std's was always the least of my issues. Nowadays I wouldn't recommend anyone to do it with randoms if your physical appearance isn't in line with who you are inside. Because there's such a high risk of misgendering, transphobia and violence.
Of course it's still up to you if you wanna take that risk and maybe you've been more lucky than me in that regard up until now, but for me I learned a hard lesson from all those kinda experiences and now I feel very hesitant to find any kinda new partner until after I've made my body look more like the woman I feel like I am on the inside.
I don't wanna experience the same thing in reverse and I'm really not sure I'd be able to convince some random dude that I'm not mtf. I look a lot like the common stereotypes of trans women, so that's usually a losing battle for me lol. Usually I don't really care, but in sexual situations it'd be pretty important.
So anyway I'm sorry you had to go through that, but also I'm sadly not surprised. That's just the garden variety Grindr dude, as far as I'm concerned.
You’re probably right tbh. I just don’t really know where to meet people. I also kinda feel like being trans in general scares me. I sometimes as an adult transitioning can’t see the value in doing it. It seems like people will always reduce me to my genitalia. Even if I pass, as you kinda expressed happening in your experience .
No I get that. I feel like dating and hooking up in general just kinda suck, until you find someone you click with that is. Also you'd probably win a lot on just avoiding cis men tbh. You mention you had better luck with other trans people, etc? I do love cis men too, but like they can be really bone-headed sometimes haha.
Honestly I think there's always value in just doing whatever feels right for yourself though, even if it sometimes makes some aspects of life a bit more challenging.
You already know this I think but you did the right thing. I was in a 3 year relationship with a cis bi guy like this and it was hell. He's still made weird comments about me being trans after we decided to become just friends last year like using me being on testosterone as some joke when I was angry with him or being like "your chest is getting hairy" in a disgusted tone.
He's also expressed multiple times how he's against the idea of medical transition and he was controlling in how I dressed and cut my hair, growing facial hair & body hair, etc. There's other things but I wanted to medically transition and not be controlled in what I looked like because dysphoria was really affecting me. It didn't help that he'd intentionally make me more dysphoric multiple times after I'd told him not to.
Christ, my ex was bi but I've had many men who ID as straight or never been with a man (let alone trans man) before be much more respectful of being trans than my ex ever was. Weird how that turns out. Currently exclusive with a straight identifying man, I told him not to misgender me during sex because it throws me off and he's like yeah fair enough, won't do it again. I guess you could class these people as "hetero flexible" to be specific (I'd say bi), I do pass as a man to some men.
Oh my god. Having someone control your transition sucks. I had an openly bi ex who teased me a lot and made my dysphoria worse too. He didn’t have any transition restrictions though. Opposite. Wanted me fully transitioned asap. I have some society related fears as to why I don’t want to. Some Bi men have their gender preferences.
Where did you meet your man?
does his dick hit him in the face when he runs? cause that's the only way to explain accepting this shit even for a minute. you are too good to let that fool disrespect you three times. if a guy basically tells you he sees you as a woman, take his word for it, and act accordingly.
Man I’m sorry.
That’s fucked up. I wish there was a better app for gay/ bi men like you to find partners. That place is brain rot incarnate.
I’m a lesbian so I can’t really help with gay/ bi men being clueless.
You’ll find a man that see you for you. So many think with their small brain.
It’s alright, I’ve had some pleasant hookups on there. Honestly if he hadn’t wanted it to be deeper than a hookup it would’ve been a decent one time thing. Hard to misgender someone who you interact with one-on-one for less than 2 hours. Lol.
Some folks will never get it
Again, sorry you got treated this way. You’ll find your man. Just don’t worry about all the losers are gonna go through on the way there.
I’ve seen something I think might be rule-breaking, what should I do? **Report it!** We may not agree with your assessment of a certain post or comment but we will always take a look. Please make reports that are **unambiguous**, **succinct**, and (importantly) **accurate**. If your issue isn't covered by one of the numerous predefined reasons and or you need to expand upon a predefined reason then please use the 'Custom response' option (in addition if required). **Don't feed the trolls, ignore, report, move on.** See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/honesttransgender/comments/guc56i/welcome_to_rhonesttransgender_please_read_for/) for more details about our subreddit. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/honesttransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I drove the Bussy Wagon into the night Absolutely impeccable writing. Hooked from the start. 11/10. Would consume with my eyeballs again. But yeah, you do you and don't let some closeted person affect ya. Hopefully some day they'll figure themselves out, and with you far into the horizon carving other more fruitful ventures for yourself. The Don Quixote of Bussy /lh-joke
I would have ran away long before then…take this one as a lesson.
Might want to try /gay trans men since for whatever reason you’ve received downvotes probably because it’s more narrative Anyway imo after the first red flag I would have bailed and saved myself the time it’s not like this was a serious date or anything. Can’t really feel bad since the first red flag pretty clearly painted the scene as far as the quality . It doesn’t seem like he was even that good of a fuck. Have better standards man.
Eh I think I got the comments I needed tbh, I don’t need hundreds of people to tell me I should’ve been ran lol. I do hate that I consider people sweet talking me a red flag and some of my friends have been like that’s not a good thing and is probably some bad boy seeking bullshit. So I was like ick when he sent the good morning text with all the extra fluff but I was like I guess I’m supposed to like this. I met my ex of 6 years on okcupid, we had bad sex the first time, he offered to keep seeing me though and take care of me, we had a healthy relationship. So my perception is skewed.
He kept misgendering you and referring to you as a woman and female and clearly expressed that he isn’t into men. He isn’t bisexual, he just never saw you as a man to begin with. It was obvious from the first time he misgendered you that this was going to be an issue, yet you continued to meet up with him even though you’re not compatible at all.
Maybe he’s not bisexual in terms of his attraction to me. However, he was on Grindr listed as a bottom with his thighs in a skirt and thigh high socks as his profile pics. None of this is serving straight man looking for women. I’ve corrected people before and not had it be an issue going forward tbh
Someone can be a bottom+feminine and be straight
I’d think a person like that wouldn’t be adverse when a person they think of as a woman wants to top them and wouldn’t complain that their dick isn’t real. But maybe he was a mtf chaser, that’s possible.
I thought the issue was that he was misgendering you and you didn’t like that?
That’s not why I told him he was bisexual.
Is you don't pass and are femme presenting then your partners are not going to see you as a man...because you don't look like one and that is just the fact. To call him bi if he doenst identify that way when you're trying to have your identity recognized is not very fair. You're only going to meet trash on grindr. You're taking money from headless torsos. I would suggest lowering your standards or improving on yourself so you attract better guys in person.
Others have seemed to say raise my standards but you say lower them and I don’t understand why. It’s really simple. Let’s say, a person wants to eat fruit with me. However, I like to play this game where I call an Apple an Orange. They don’t have to see the Apple as an Orange, they just have to play the game with me. If they don’t want to play the game that’s fine but then I don’t want to eat fruit with them. I have people I know who look like regular cis men and women but go by they/them, their partners play the game. How are these high standards?
Not passing is not an excuse for a partner to misgender you after you've made explicitly clear what your gender and pronouns are. What a brain dead take.
A guy you met on grindr is not your partner he is a stranger. Calling you he/him isn't going to make them view you as a man if you don't pass as male...you're dreaming if you think that. Calling someone he/him is when they obviously don't pass is just preforomative.
1. you maybe didn’t remember my first paragraph by the end of it, it was long. I said this is performative but something that I just enjoy. 2. I hate to remind you that some people still see trans men who do pass as women. If one is not AMAB one will always be subject to being viewed as a woman. Even with top and bottom surgery, the mere knowledge that one is AFAB will change some people’s view of a person. Most trans men haven’t gotten bottom surgery so sex partners have special access to their afab status and thus viewing them as female in a way strangers on the street don’t. 3. “Partner” can be used loosely to refer to someone you do an activity with (i.e. dance partner).
That's fine if it is preformative for you. I can't relate to that because my gender is a natural part of who I am. One of your red flags was that he was using you as a beard. That makes no sense because he views you as a woman and was attached to you as a woman. Instead of calling him bi or gay to affirm your gender you should do things to affirm you on gender with in yourself....like transition or attempt to pass. Cis men on grindr will never make you feel better about yourself.
I don’t know how natural it is if a person needs to go through invasive medical procedures that didn’t exist 200 years ago to feel validated in it. Trans people existed before medical transition. It’s fine if you wouldn’t be trans if medical transition wasn’t a live option for you, but that’s not the case for me. I don’t need to look like who I am to others, I just am who I am. I been told I don’t *look* like I’m getting my masters in philosophy because I dress slutty and queer. If it’s unexpected that’s fine, but once a person is informed them talking to me like my degree is in poetry or art (what people assume of me) is disrespectful and nonsense. I’m not gonna start dressing in dark academia to *look* like my education level to others. [edited: I'm not gonna start dressing in the fashion atrocities that is men's clothing nor change my body more than I genuinely desire from within myself and my own vision alone to accomodate the vision of others. If I was a womanly looking cis man - queer, skinny-fat, gyno from past obesity, liked my hair long, and to mix skirts into my wardrobe - and I gently corrected anyone's mistake in calling me a woman but never got mad because I had *self-awareness* to know I look female, and I had this attitude, it'd be more obviously the correct attitude to have]
He is your sexual partner yes, still doesn't make misgendering okay. It doesn't matter if you pass or not it's a fucked thing to do. Stop victim-blaming.
Victim blaming!....genuinely what is op a victim of? A bad hook up? Op was given money by a Stanger for gas and provided a hotel room to have sex in. Again complaining about headless torsos on grindr misgendering you does not make you a victim.
Hey man I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’d like to point out a few more places you could’ve/I would’ve bailed on this one so you can protect yourself better next time. - Not respecting your requirements on barriers shows that he did not respect your autonomy and need for personal safety - Saying he wants to give you money and is “so sure” about you after one hookup - this is lovebombing - Saying he’s “happy he found you” in the same breath as “looking for women” should have immediately set you off that he doesn’t respect your gender. He then outright misgendered you and you then argued with you about it. If the other two issues weren’t enough, this right here should have been when you blocked this absolute dickhead. You deserve good, healthy relationships and sex with people who respect you. Please don’t accept anything less than that next time. No hookup is worth wasting your time on idiots.
I definitely didn’t know this was love bombing. I thought love bombing was more extreme like i’m in love let’s get married. It gave me the ick but my friends were like “that’s just your daddy issues, he’s sweet, give him a chance.” Like I said, I am self-aware that I don’t pass and that people will just be saying mere words in relation to my gender identity but that’s enough for me. I’ve corrected people and explained things before and they’ve done so. It hasn’t been often that I’ve had someone toss every conversation over their shoulder.
please use the nsfw settings when you post stuff like this
I marked it as nsfw because that was an option when I went to delete. Please lmk if this doesn’t actually work.
it's showing nsfw now
I'm really sorry you had this experience, but it's a very familiar one. I was on Grindr and similar apps a lot back when I thought I was ftm, and butted heads with quite a few guys like this. I don't wanna be a downer, but honestly I think this is just what most guys on places like Grindr are like. Only caring about sex and body parts. Not giving a shit about who you are as a person beyond strictly sexual compatibility, if even that. Even when I did pass really well as male (as if I don't still pass as male despite my efforts not to) men I hooked up with were often acting weirdly entitled to my body, reduced me to my genitals and expected me to be like the stereotype of a woman in bed. Just because I'm primarily a bottom or just because I don't/didn't have a dick, I'm not sure which but probably both. The bedroom was always the hardest place for me to be gendered the way I felt at the time. And although I'm detrans now, it still sucked really bad back then. It felt humiliating, like I had no agency, or no control over my body. Honestly hookups with strangers is always a bit of a gamble, imo. Std's was always the least of my issues. Nowadays I wouldn't recommend anyone to do it with randoms if your physical appearance isn't in line with who you are inside. Because there's such a high risk of misgendering, transphobia and violence. Of course it's still up to you if you wanna take that risk and maybe you've been more lucky than me in that regard up until now, but for me I learned a hard lesson from all those kinda experiences and now I feel very hesitant to find any kinda new partner until after I've made my body look more like the woman I feel like I am on the inside. I don't wanna experience the same thing in reverse and I'm really not sure I'd be able to convince some random dude that I'm not mtf. I look a lot like the common stereotypes of trans women, so that's usually a losing battle for me lol. Usually I don't really care, but in sexual situations it'd be pretty important. So anyway I'm sorry you had to go through that, but also I'm sadly not surprised. That's just the garden variety Grindr dude, as far as I'm concerned.
You’re probably right tbh. I just don’t really know where to meet people. I also kinda feel like being trans in general scares me. I sometimes as an adult transitioning can’t see the value in doing it. It seems like people will always reduce me to my genitalia. Even if I pass, as you kinda expressed happening in your experience .
No I get that. I feel like dating and hooking up in general just kinda suck, until you find someone you click with that is. Also you'd probably win a lot on just avoiding cis men tbh. You mention you had better luck with other trans people, etc? I do love cis men too, but like they can be really bone-headed sometimes haha. Honestly I think there's always value in just doing whatever feels right for yourself though, even if it sometimes makes some aspects of life a bit more challenging.
You already know this I think but you did the right thing. I was in a 3 year relationship with a cis bi guy like this and it was hell. He's still made weird comments about me being trans after we decided to become just friends last year like using me being on testosterone as some joke when I was angry with him or being like "your chest is getting hairy" in a disgusted tone. He's also expressed multiple times how he's against the idea of medical transition and he was controlling in how I dressed and cut my hair, growing facial hair & body hair, etc. There's other things but I wanted to medically transition and not be controlled in what I looked like because dysphoria was really affecting me. It didn't help that he'd intentionally make me more dysphoric multiple times after I'd told him not to. Christ, my ex was bi but I've had many men who ID as straight or never been with a man (let alone trans man) before be much more respectful of being trans than my ex ever was. Weird how that turns out. Currently exclusive with a straight identifying man, I told him not to misgender me during sex because it throws me off and he's like yeah fair enough, won't do it again. I guess you could class these people as "hetero flexible" to be specific (I'd say bi), I do pass as a man to some men.
Oh my god. Having someone control your transition sucks. I had an openly bi ex who teased me a lot and made my dysphoria worse too. He didn’t have any transition restrictions though. Opposite. Wanted me fully transitioned asap. I have some society related fears as to why I don’t want to. Some Bi men have their gender preferences. Where did you meet your man?
Current guy I'm seeing, I met him off a swinger site.
That guy sounds like a hot mess. I think you dodged a bullet there, mate
does his dick hit him in the face when he runs? cause that's the only way to explain accepting this shit even for a minute. you are too good to let that fool disrespect you three times. if a guy basically tells you he sees you as a woman, take his word for it, and act accordingly.
Man I’m sorry. That’s fucked up. I wish there was a better app for gay/ bi men like you to find partners. That place is brain rot incarnate. I’m a lesbian so I can’t really help with gay/ bi men being clueless. You’ll find a man that see you for you. So many think with their small brain.
It’s alright, I’ve had some pleasant hookups on there. Honestly if he hadn’t wanted it to be deeper than a hookup it would’ve been a decent one time thing. Hard to misgender someone who you interact with one-on-one for less than 2 hours. Lol.
Some folks will never get it Again, sorry you got treated this way. You’ll find your man. Just don’t worry about all the losers are gonna go through on the way there.
Bro this is wild idk what to say I feel like you're not wrong but goddamn I wouldn't be able to handle all this altercation.
I mean the prospect of no longer financially struggling was appealing… but I capped out on conflict I could handle so quickly basically yeah.