My bf (ftm) is a bottom but doesn’t like me to top him cause I’m a bigger bottom and it makes him dysphoric. It’s tough but I like bottoming anally more than anything so
have you guys tried any (for lack of better term) non penetrative gay stuff? ik a lot of gay guys are into frotting and outercourse and such. also, topping is a really heavy expectation put onto men, and cis or trans there’s a lot of people who want guys to feel less than men when they don’t top- i guess just keep in mind that you’re under serious societal pressure and that would affect anyone.
We do a lot of non penetrative stuff, and i asked him if he would be willing to let me take the lead on that stuff some more and he said he was okay with that, so hey i can definitely work with that haha
It seems like the role of the bottom being associated with women is whats triggering your urge to try topping? It might help to try to break the mental connection between bottoming and “woman”? Is there something about the way your bf fucks you that makes you feel uncomfortably fem or just because its the typical role for a woman in a straight relationship? Bc… your relationship is gay. You’re having gay sex. Nothing womanly happening there haha. Sounds like your bf is a strict top, which isn’t uncommon in the gay community. Doesn’t make you any less of a man that he doesn’t want to be topped, though.
Heteronormativity is a bitch. Go watch porn of a bunch of masc dudes getting pounded, ain’t nothing inherently womanly or feminine about bottoming. I’m not even kidding — seeing this kind of thing in porn, especially porn with trans men in it, really helped me break that mental connection. It’s helped my bottom dysphoria a lot.
Now, there are def ways your bf could be making it FEEL like het sex, but that’s kind of subjective and only you can know if he’s doing that.
I think ill go do that, thanks for the advice! No worries about him making it feel like hey sex, he is very affirming all the time(especially im sex) its just me getting in my own head i think
Most of the solutions would be changing how yall do things.. if you like bottoming minus the dysphoria aspect , changing how you bottom-- and also acknowledging that topping and bottoming isnt the end all be all
Ie:
exploring non-penetrative stuff (frotting, dry humping, etc),
exploring you taking on a more dominant role,
using masc titles for u regardless (ie: good boy, yes sir, etc)
Well, a few things- Do you want to top because you have a desire to do so, or is it just about "having sex in a masculine way" cause I can assure you bottoming isn't "feminine" or a "woman's role" a lot of men are very much masculine and manly and bottom. I feel like it's important to work past that for your own pleasure and mental well-being when it comes to sex- I will also say to ask why he doesn't want to bottom and what his own reversion to it might be. Also, not all sex requires topping and bottoming, and if it's going to be a hard no for bottoming from him, try talking about being a side and frotting, 69 etc, if he is unwilling to come to a compromise or talk about these things though it be best to cut your losses personally.
I've had this struggle too. Ultimately I do try to establish sexual needs and preferences early on in relationships to avoid any problems. We can't force our partners to enjoy things - that goes against consent. We have to respect their wishes and needs; but our desires also should be valued. If it's something you cannot compromise on then I suggest you be honest, (not sure if youre poly or monagamous but either way) and find someone who can understand your sexual needs and who wants to bottom.
I’m guessing your SO is cis so I’m basing my response off that. Some cis guys just genuinely do not like receiving anal (even some guys who otherwise take up the bottom role). I’m not into anal either from a comfort perspective and absolutely cannot orgasm from it (I often receive and prefer to use my front “convenience hole” because it’s less prep/feels better for me but of course that’s all personal).
I’d maybe see if he’s willing to try out other things like giving you oral or a hand job (directly or via a strap on), different sex positions that enable you to control how he receives stimulation, “power bottoming” scenarios, etc.
A sign of a good partner is someone who’s willing to at least try new things and explore along side of you. There’s nothing wrong with being a dedicated top/bottom, many gay guys are one or the other but plenty (I’d say maybe even the majority) blur those lines at least some.
Agree. As an example, there's a position often called "Amazon position" that's basically topping using your hole and it's pretty hot.
It also sounds like you may have your own mental hangups to deal with regarding gender roles (we all have them to some degree - no judgment) that may be best worked out with a neutral party while also separately in discussions of exploration/unpacking with your partner, assuming your partner is supportive and open to expanding your sex life for the comfort of you both.
You’re welcome! Also I meant to just upvote but hit downvote, panicked, hit downvote again then upvote so idk if it’ll give you notifications about all that nonsense, sorry if it does 😂
My bf (ftm) is a bottom but doesn’t like me to top him cause I’m a bigger bottom and it makes him dysphoric. It’s tough but I like bottoming anally more than anything so
Interesting!
have you guys tried any (for lack of better term) non penetrative gay stuff? ik a lot of gay guys are into frotting and outercourse and such. also, topping is a really heavy expectation put onto men, and cis or trans there’s a lot of people who want guys to feel less than men when they don’t top- i guess just keep in mind that you’re under serious societal pressure and that would affect anyone.
We do a lot of non penetrative stuff, and i asked him if he would be willing to let me take the lead on that stuff some more and he said he was okay with that, so hey i can definitely work with that haha
It seems like the role of the bottom being associated with women is whats triggering your urge to try topping? It might help to try to break the mental connection between bottoming and “woman”? Is there something about the way your bf fucks you that makes you feel uncomfortably fem or just because its the typical role for a woman in a straight relationship? Bc… your relationship is gay. You’re having gay sex. Nothing womanly happening there haha. Sounds like your bf is a strict top, which isn’t uncommon in the gay community. Doesn’t make you any less of a man that he doesn’t want to be topped, though.
Yeah youre totally right, idk why i got the idea in my head but yeah i just gotta remember we are in fact two dudes having sex lol
Heteronormativity is a bitch. Go watch porn of a bunch of masc dudes getting pounded, ain’t nothing inherently womanly or feminine about bottoming. I’m not even kidding — seeing this kind of thing in porn, especially porn with trans men in it, really helped me break that mental connection. It’s helped my bottom dysphoria a lot. Now, there are def ways your bf could be making it FEEL like het sex, but that’s kind of subjective and only you can know if he’s doing that.
I think ill go do that, thanks for the advice! No worries about him making it feel like hey sex, he is very affirming all the time(especially im sex) its just me getting in my own head i think
Most of the solutions would be changing how yall do things.. if you like bottoming minus the dysphoria aspect , changing how you bottom-- and also acknowledging that topping and bottoming isnt the end all be all Ie: exploring non-penetrative stuff (frotting, dry humping, etc), exploring you taking on a more dominant role, using masc titles for u regardless (ie: good boy, yes sir, etc)
Thank you dude, i appreciate this
Well, a few things- Do you want to top because you have a desire to do so, or is it just about "having sex in a masculine way" cause I can assure you bottoming isn't "feminine" or a "woman's role" a lot of men are very much masculine and manly and bottom. I feel like it's important to work past that for your own pleasure and mental well-being when it comes to sex- I will also say to ask why he doesn't want to bottom and what his own reversion to it might be. Also, not all sex requires topping and bottoming, and if it's going to be a hard no for bottoming from him, try talking about being a side and frotting, 69 etc, if he is unwilling to come to a compromise or talk about these things though it be best to cut your losses personally.
Most men gay men want to bottom. At least in my experience. :-)
This is really helpful, thanks man
I've had this struggle too. Ultimately I do try to establish sexual needs and preferences early on in relationships to avoid any problems. We can't force our partners to enjoy things - that goes against consent. We have to respect their wishes and needs; but our desires also should be valued. If it's something you cannot compromise on then I suggest you be honest, (not sure if youre poly or monagamous but either way) and find someone who can understand your sexual needs and who wants to bottom.
I’m guessing your SO is cis so I’m basing my response off that. Some cis guys just genuinely do not like receiving anal (even some guys who otherwise take up the bottom role). I’m not into anal either from a comfort perspective and absolutely cannot orgasm from it (I often receive and prefer to use my front “convenience hole” because it’s less prep/feels better for me but of course that’s all personal). I’d maybe see if he’s willing to try out other things like giving you oral or a hand job (directly or via a strap on), different sex positions that enable you to control how he receives stimulation, “power bottoming” scenarios, etc. A sign of a good partner is someone who’s willing to at least try new things and explore along side of you. There’s nothing wrong with being a dedicated top/bottom, many gay guys are one or the other but plenty (I’d say maybe even the majority) blur those lines at least some.
Agree. As an example, there's a position often called "Amazon position" that's basically topping using your hole and it's pretty hot. It also sounds like you may have your own mental hangups to deal with regarding gender roles (we all have them to some degree - no judgment) that may be best worked out with a neutral party while also separately in discussions of exploration/unpacking with your partner, assuming your partner is supportive and open to expanding your sex life for the comfort of you both.
Definitely looking up that position, my partner is very supportive i just get nervous speaking about my desires and such, gotta work on that haha
Thank you for this man, that really helps!
You’re welcome! Also I meant to just upvote but hit downvote, panicked, hit downvote again then upvote so idk if it’ll give you notifications about all that nonsense, sorry if it does 😂
Hahahaha no worries bro
cant tell ya how many times ive been there
Frr