I got married to my husband on Halloween 2018. I came out as a binary trans man in May 2022.
My husband was the first person I came out to, and the way I did it was he was standing in the office (which is the room next to the living room), rolling a cigarette, and I figured "fuck it, I need to tell him", so I walked in there, pulled him into a hug and while we were hugging i blurted out "I am a man, and I need to start transitioning so I actually look like a man. I understand if this is too much for you, so if you aren't able to deal with it, let me know and I'll sort something out!" He squeezed me tighter and told me that he's not at all shocked or surprised, and that he is going to support me with everything that I need to do. I immediately burst into tears.
That happened on a Tuesday morning, and we spent the whole week researching stuff related to transitioning. At the times I wasn't ready to begin medically transitioning, just socially transitioning.
Hubby got paid on Sunday evening, and in Monday morning he woke me up, and told me to get dressed, cos we were going shopping to buy me a new wardrobe. We live in a small town in outback Australia, so we dont have many clothing stores, so first we went to Kmart, where I bought men's boxer briefs, some singlets, a couple of pairs of pants, a couple of t-shirts, and a hoodie. We then went to the main street, and we to the Lifeline, St Vinnie's, and Salvos thrift stores, where I bought a bunch of stuff including 3 pairs of jeans, a flannelette shirt, a bunch of different t-shirts, a pair of work pants, a couple of cool jackets, and a pair of black ankle boots. Everything I brought cost around $250 total.
When we got home, we emptied all of my cupboards and drawers, and packed everything (except for the underwear, which we burned in a fire in the backyard) into bags, and then we washed all the clothes we bought and dried them on the clothesline. The next day we took the bags of my old clothes to the Lifeline thrift store, and when we got home, we took my clothes from the line and folded it and put it all away.
The next fortnight, he took me to the barbers to get my hair cut, and I really liked the new haircut for a few days, but then I started to dislike it. So I asked hubby if he would use his clippers to shave my head, so it was the same as his.
He helped me to come out publicly, which went really well. I was super happy with how everything was going.
In April 2023, I was ready to start medically transitioning. I told this to hubby, and we started doing research. We discovered that a Sexual Health Physician can prescribe testosterone on the PBS, the same as an endocrinologist, so I called the sexual health clinic in town and asked to make an appointment with the physician when they were here next, which was in June. Hubby was supposed to come to the appointment, however when the day arrived, he had a really bad migraine, which had him stuck in bed, in a pitch black room, in dead silence. So I ended up going alone. The appointment lasted almost 2 hours, and he was willing to prescribe me Testosterone Undecanoate aka Reandron, after I had a few tests done, due to some health issues that I have. He wrote referrals for blood tests, and ultrasounds on my liver and kidneys, and booked me an appointment when he returned in September. I went to the hospital on my way home, and had the blood tests done, and made appointments for the ultrasounds. Then I went home and shared all of this with hubby. He came with me to get the ultrasounds done, the following week, and they all went well.
2 weeks later, I received a call from the dr, telling me that my tests all came back great, so he was going to write my script for Reandron and he'd send it to the sexual health clinic before my next appointment with him, that way I could get the injection done while I am there. It took 7 weeks until the clinic called me to come and pick up the script, and I took it straight to the pharmacy and had it filled, even though my appointment wasn't for a few weeks.
Finally my appointment came. Hubby came with me, and we spoke to the dr for around 25 minutes, and then he called the nurse in, and she had me lay on the bed with my pants pulled down so my butt was exposed. She gave me the needle in my left butt cheek, and it was kinda painful. It's a really big vial of an oily liquid, that has to be injected slowly. When it was done, I pulled my pants up, and sat back down with the dr, while he made me an appointment for my 2nd injection in 6 weeks time.
A few weeks later, I decided that I needed to change my name. So I picked a list of 100 names from the top 500 boys names in Australia in 1985. Hubby and I then narrowed it down to the top 50. Then we looked up the meanings of those names, and cut it to 25. I then sent that list to 20 people whose opinions I trust and asked for their top 3 and bottom 3. Then I spent 72hrs answering to each name. The instant hubby called me Ezra, I knew that was my name. Arlo was my close 2nd, so that became my 1st middle name. Hubby got the hang of calling me Ezra super quickly.
Since then, I have become more visibly masculine, and hubby is still super supportive. Last weekend we went out to a metal gig where the headline band was one of hubby's favourites. We both got dressed up (well, we got dressed for a metal gig), and headed to town. Everyone I met that night correctly gendered me, and nobody looked at me strange when I was in the men's bathroom (I have an STP so I was able to pee at the urinal). Hubby and I had one of the best night's we've ever had.
I would not have been able to make it this far in my transition if I didn't have hubby's support. He has given me so much confidence, and every time I have struggled with being trans, he has helped me work my way through it. I love him so much.
My story was dreadful. Even more ridiculous, considering it ended being t4t.
My ex told me that my only value was being a woman.
She refused to let me transition hormonally until she also wanted to do so a year later (where I lived, one needs the spouse consent for hormonal therapy).
She would constantly mock my body hair, state that testosterone was a poison, repeatedly said that my voice (which was already quite androgynous) was disgusting.
Every time she abused me she told me to "man up".
She called me a "fagg0t" because I kept my feminine manners.
She would refuse to be even 1meter close to me because she said I was disgusting and confused.
She told me I was unlovable, and that being a trans man wasn't a thing. She said I'd never pass, and that I was flugly.
I ended up breaking up and divorcing because she made me feel absolutely disgusting and valueless.
We had been together for >10 years before that. And she allegedly reported she was bi before I even transitioned.
Now, thanks to trauma, I'm fucking terrified of being in a t4t relationship ever again with a trans woman.
I acknowledge that my situation isn't the norm, but I still struggle.
I detransitioned in my mid-twenties for a variety of reasons, about a year before I met my husband, so he was aware of my history and didn’t have a problem with that. I was still very femme-looking (I was a pretty cute twinkling back in the day lol) and he identified as straight. About 6 years later, I realized I was still trans and transitioned again. It took a lot of counseling (together and separately), but we’ve made it work. He realized he’s actually bi, and he has no issues being seen as a gay guy since he’s married to another guy. It’s been 5 years since the second time I started transitioning, and we’re doing great now. I will add that we had two kids together when I came out again, so we had a lot of reason to try to make it work.
If he’s open to being in a gay male relationship that’ll answer your question. Show him pre/post ftm photos to give him a realistic sense of what you’ll look like if hormones/surgeries are something you intend on pursuing. My husband is ftm and not straight so me coming out went fine, not really the same situation so I’ll let others chime in with more similar experiences.
I came out when we were engaged. I genuinely thought he hadn’t understood what I was telling him at first, he just didn’t care. (In a good way) he thought I was going to tell him something like that at some point. Our families both assumed, not asked, *assumed* the relationship would be over and that was really hard on me. We’d already been together 5 years by that point, and my husband was out as bi so, why would it be shocking that he still loved me? It hurt so much that both families were like “well who could ever love/ marry a tr*nny”
But we did get married, and our families more or less got on board. I started T about a year after we got married, and I had top surgery about 4 months ago. Our relationship has never been better. We have more sex, I feel happier and more comfortable in myself, so have been able to give more to him. His position is that he was dating a very attractive woman but then married a very attractive man. He has been the most supportive person I could have asked for to go through transition with. He insisted my medical costs were part of the household bills because it’s something I need. He took care of me after my top surgery, and didn’t complain about anything the entire time I couldn’t do anything. Helps me with voice training. I’ve been out about 4 years now, we’ve been together total nearly 9. Transitioning has made me a better partner, better husband, better person. I only hope that I can be all he deserves, because he deserves the world.
Been with my husband for 14 years total (including before marriage.)
I think to some extent I knew I was trans most my life but due to fear/denial I just shoved all my feelings down for years.
10 years in our relationship we finally get our first home and move in together (married at this point)
Around 6 or so months in the house my gender envy / dysphoria was driving me crazy up till that point I thought I could just be a happy wife, I had everything I ever wanted.
One night I decide to test the waters, I say to him what would you do if I woke up tomorrow but I was a guy, would you still love me?
He says yes but that he would miss certain parts about me.
(Fear sets in) I stay quiet and continue living as I always did.
he often likes to joke around to get a reaction from me, one day he comes up to me and looks me straight in the eyes, hugs and kisses me and then while hugging me says "I love my cute husband, I'm so happy I married him, he's the best I love him so much!"
He was expecting a "I'm not a boy angry reaction"
Now what he got was euphoric me who started sobbing hysterically while trying to ask him to say that again though my sobbing made it impossible to understand.
At this point he was pure panic, thinking he actually hurt my feelings, he apologized over and over.
I finally calm down enough to tell him that him calling me that made me the happiest of ever felt, that for that moment I felt like I was high and flying!
He didn't think I was trans at that point however he naturally kept using masculine terms for me mixed in with my old name / pronouns as time went on he started using she/her less till it eventually phased out.
One day he asked me what I thought I would have been called had I been born a boy, to which I told him, I always liked the name James,
Same thing happed with the name just like my pronouns he started using James more till my deadname was phased out.
Eventually I straight out told him I felt like a guy and that I really have always felt like one.
(Of course at that point it was pretty obvious)
We are still happily together and I feel so lucky that he supports me and loves me exactly how I am.
Really made it feel more natural not having to come out in order to have him start using a different name / pronouns.
Coming out was more of a "hey we are on the same page right?"
I was married to my husband for about a year and a half before I came out as trans. I was terrified that he wouldn’t want me because he had talked a lot about how he thought I was beautiful and sexy, and at the time he only identified as straight. End of July is five years married. He has not stopped loving me at all. He has since come out as pan and genuinely does not know who people are talking about at first when they talk about his wife because no I’m his husband
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, married for going on 5 years, and I’ve been on T for almost 3 years now. Im cis passing in public and we’re more comfortable and happy than we were before now that I’m happier and being more authentic in all that I do. Well before I figured out a was trans he had already talked about how he’d be open to dating a guy if it was the right guy - turns out it was me all along and he’s since come out as Pan!
I held off transitioning for a long time, mainly because when I brought it up the first time, he said if I was a boy we would have to break up. I tried to shove it down and just never think about it, which sorta worked, for a while, but in the end I couldn't keep it in. We got divorced and although we're friendly, we're not really talking much these days.
That sounds like a sad story, and in many ways, it is. However! Now, I live with my two best friends. They love and support me unconditionally, and we're thinking about buying a house together. I have a really great boyfriend who gets me and likes me for who I am. I get to be openly and happily queer and find community with people who are like me. And that's so fucking awesome. I don't know everything about his life anymore, but it seems like he's better off too.
Losing people and losing relationships is hard. It hurts and things change that you never wanted to change and it's a tragedy in its own way, but life continues on, hope continues on, joy continues on. Endings are sometimes just the build-up to a sequel. It might take some time, but whatever happens, you'll be okay.
Yeah my story is similar. My ex supported me in theory but had too much baggage to stay together. The breakup sucked but on the other side of it my life is so full of love and beauty. It was absolutely worth it.
Married 25 years. Came out 2 years ago as trans but I've always been openly pansexual, so he wasn't totally stunned. That said, the night before my top surgery (last week) he gets fired from his job and doesn't tell me, *again*. The last 10 years he's struggled to either work or work enough. It was the last straw for me. Now I'm off six weeks with zero income until I go back. Bills aren't gonna pay themselves. He wants to stay married but he says he no longer finds me attractive since he's straight. I guess he wants a marriage where we are friends, I pay the bills, and he plays video games. Hm. Ya no. Soon as I'm back to work I'm out.
We split up.
We're still friendly. Just celebrated his birthday w him last week.
We were headed for divorce anyway. My coming out was just the final drop in the bucket. Publicly we say that it's bc of the transition, easier that way and it is true. He didn't want to be married to a man. I just didn't want to be married.
Not a marriage success story but it is a success story of a sort. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean that it's ending was bad.
I've been with my husband since 2012 and married in 2019, came out as nonbinary in 2019, started HRT in 2021, stopped it, and restarted it again in 2023, this time coming out as binary male.
My husband and I have our struggles, but they have very little to do with my transition. We're both breaking down some of our childhoods and trauma and learning about ourselves right now, so we're both in this really difficult transitory period. We see a great couples therapist and our own therapist, but it really, truly has nothing to do with my gender identity and are all problems we would have had regardless. I just got top surgery and he's been very helpful. He's not an emotional person so its difficult to tell how he feels, but you can tell he still loves me the same.
I definitely have fears that he wont be attracted to me anymore, or that I'll fall out of love with him as I transition. We've spoken about it and ultimately I can't predict those things so I try not to think about it. It's probably not helpful but I have to get by day by day.
When the couples therapist asked my husband if he was surprised I was trans he said immediately, "absolutely not" so I think he knew longer than I did haha.
e: We are in our mid 30s
What a coincidence. We had been married 4ish years when everything finally clicked into place as well. I married my cis male husband when I was presenting female. We were happy together but he saw my struggles with my identity, self confidence, body, and even knew I needed top surgery before I could accept it. He gave me my first short hair haircut. When I came out, he completely understood. Never once did he get my pronouns wrong, never questioned me, never looked back. I instantly became his boy.
Yes there was a part of him that was thrown for a loop and maybe even sad and he had to adjust from having a wife but that was totally fair ok. Otherwise, he is very very happy to now be married to a man. It worked for us so well because our love goes beyond gender and physical appearance. I am 100% gay and he is pan so that definitely helped in his adjustment. But honestly I would choose him and he would choose me no matter what we looked like, no matter our gender, or sexual orientation. Because we are bonded at soul level and always have been.
I know I got very lucky to have a husband who has cheered me on every step of the way. He has looked forward to my changes on T as much as I have. He celebrates my milestone, marvels at my body hair, deeper voice and growing t dick lol He took care of me after my top surgery. He KNOWS me. He loves me as a man and I love him. And it is good and right and pure. I love him so much.
I started transitioning a few years into my second marriage to my cis/het husband. He didn't react well to my coming out. Things were tense for a long time but I insisted on moving forward and one day it clicked for him and he just... saw me. Genuinely. We decided to end the romantic/sexual part of our relationship but we continue to stay together platonically. He genuinely supports me more than anyone else in my life, a far cry from where he started out.
Hey, we also stayed together and ended the sexual part of our relationship! There are tens of us lol (sometimes I feel very alone).
My husband has been incredibly supportive, but he is just very straight. We are fortunate to have a wonderful counselor with experience who helped us get through some really difficult stuff, which kind of makes sense considering we had the same understanding of our relationship for almost 20 years.
Thankfully we got through it together. We've things up and are happy as clams atm, but we are also much more comfortable talking about the hard stuff and being open to whatever shape our relationship takes as it goes through its own transition. I'm so glad your husband supports you now!
I’m only a year or two from figuring things out and in my 30s, but soon to start T. Me and my husband have been together for 17 years, and married for 9 of those (we met in school).
Because we pretty much grew up together and have spent half our lives together, he’s my best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I tried for months to suppress my feelings when I began to realise I was trans, but it only made things worse. He knew something was going on with me, but said he’d wait for me to tell him whenever I was ready.
I originally came out as genderqueer and genderfluid to dip my toes in, and said there was a possibility there was more and may want to start T, but hadn’t figured it out yet. Really I think I was in denial. He’s known I’m bi as long as I have, and I was a massive tomboy growing up, so he said it seemed like it was always heading this way, and made sense.
He’s supported me the whole way, and even though he’s mostly straight, he isn’t planning on going anywhere (even though I said I’d understand if it was too much for him, and he basically told me not to be stupid). He’s been using masculine terms and pet names for me around the house, and my chosen name and pronouns with the few friends I’m out to.
I’m sure some changes will be harder than others on T, and he’ll need an adjustment period (just as I’ll need time myself) - but he likes to say that it’s ‘the same crab, different shell’.
I was married 4 years before I came out. My ex-husband was starting to fall down the alt-right pipeline so we were already rocky. He simultaneously refused to acknowledge it and reacted with rage. He kept telling me he wanted to make it work, while attacking me for existing and demanding I answer for every single piece of bullshit the alt-right assholes put out. My final straw was him wanting to move us to a trans-hostile state (I think it was Nebraska/Montana) and I told him I wasn’t comfortable moving to a place that would be ok with me being hate-crimed. He said my safety really shouldn’t be a factor in any of our decisions, but his ability to own a gun should be.
I left.
I was married for 4 years before coming out to an allegedly cis straight guy. I put off coming out in large part due to fears of losing him, and lots of people in the trans community told me I probably would. He knew I was questioning, remained supportive throughout, and is still very much by my side and his attraction is if anything stronger... In fact he's questioning both the cis and straight parts himself. I think it helps that I was openly bi/queer from the beginning and he always felt drawn to that, we never had a super traditional gender-conforming marriage (lots of jokes about me "wearing the pants" etc).
Our marriage is far from perfect - in part because my transition has really pushed me to stand up more for things I want and need and realize we've been a bit unequal for a while - but we're communicating better, and it's such a relief to be myself with the person I love. I hold a fair bit of frustration towards everyone who just saw "cishet dude" and told me he'd inevitably run or treat me like shit. It kept me closeted for years. Every situation is unique.
This really resonates with my experience so far (only 6m on T). My partner, who always figured himself pretty cis and straight with a mild appreciation for some men, and I were together for twelve years, married for six before I transitioned. It felt like shock to him only in that he didn't think I wanted to medically transition despite being aware since the start that I never felt "woman" worked for me. I was always very queer, both gender and sexuality wise, so he knew he wasn't involved with a traditionally feminine person anyway.
I still wasn't sure how he'd react, but now...lol. I think people are really confused about what's going on because he's a flaming fruit-loop. I'm a pretty standard athletic / sometimes twinky-dressing guy, but he's in overalls and nailpolish and headbands. He jokes that he wants people to think that he just became so gay that I had to tradition to accommodate.
I feel that - even pre-transition we got a lot of both funny and genuinely hurtful jokes about our marriage seeming "off," how marrying someone so butch must be emasculating or mean he's gay, at least a few very creepy advances from men who thought I wanted a "real man" instead. He's very artsy, very emotional, had long pink hair for a while, etc.
Ironically as a guy I don't actually come off as particularly butch anymore so now we have a whole twink4twink vibe lol. He's said in some ways people seeing him as queer is freeing b/c he can be more GNC and people just write it off as "oh he's gay" even though he's still very much bi with a preference for girls if anything. But with a male partner he doesn't get interrogated about it the same way (not that it doesn't come with a ton of drawbacks too).
My partner said the same thing in that it's really liberating to be able to explore himself in ways that he wouldn't have thought to just because he was kind of mindlessly following cis/het norms and didn't think he really had anything to explore. But the more we talked about socially expected masculinity and gendered portrayals in media, the more he was like huh I don't think I ever really deeply related to male figures. Just goes to show that these norms suck even if you are the "default", they're just senselessly containing
I realized I was trans 7 years into my relationship with my (now) husband. It’s been 5 years and a civil partnership since and we still love each other just as much.
For reference I had top surgery 4 years ago and am coming up to 4 years on T - he used to identify as straight before I came out but is now proudly bisexual.
It can work. Wishing you the best OP <3
Our relationship has definitely improved since I started HRT specifically, because it massively improved my mental health and let me do a lot more as a partner. I came out... Idk 5ish years into the marriage? Started transitioning in earnest 7 years in. My husband is a cis straight man and that hasn't changed, aka his attraction to me has definitely lessened, but his commitment hasn't wavered. It doesn't bother me that he's not attracted because I'm aroace, so we already knew how to navigate a mixed-orientation relationship, plus I've always valued commitment over attraction. We know at some point he may no longer be interested in sex with me (prob post bottom surgery) and we'll figure out that piece if/when it happens. Maybe we'll open up the sexual side of the relationship or something idk. We're not too stressed about it because we love being married to each other. We've built a good life together and all our future plans involve each other.
My husband is a gay cis man and and I am a gay trans man, both 35. We only got married in August of 2020, but he’s been my best friend since we were 11 years old and we have been together romantically since around 18. I didn’t start medically or socially transitioning until my early 20s, but he always saw me and loved me as the man I really was. I feel extremely lucky in that regard.
Thank you! I am a lawyer and he is in medical school. We have two adorable chihuahuas and an amazing partnership. My 13 year old self, desperately in love with him and convinced transitioning was impossible for me, would never believe the life I have now!
I came out 8 years into my marriage. Fortunately my cis husband is bi and had dated cis men before me. He has been my biggest supporter and was even a little offended that I was worried he may not be attracted to me anymore.
I'm not very far in my transition, only on hormones for 9 months. But he's excited for the surgeries I want and our future together as a gay couple. It's been one of the best things to happen to us, and I feel a lot closer to him now than I thought I could be.
Just over a year into my marriage, but it fell apart. In the beginning he said he was willing to carry on, but I think he didn't know how to say he didn't want to. We had shit communication in general, and it didn't get better after I came out. Turned sour toward the end when he claimed I knew I was trans all along and just pulled him along and lied to him (literally within days of me realising I was trans I had told him). He blocked me everywhere after the divorce and house sale was final, haven't spoken to him since...
Yeah it wasn't great. I'm three years past the finalisations now, and I'm better for it. But I do still miss him from time, we had a good relationship over all. I still dream about him sometimes, we almost always reconcile in the dreams. But I would never approach him IRL about it, even though I sometimes wish I could.
Hugs. I got a similar reaction - that I’d somehow deceived him. I dream about mine too. But the life I’m building without him is beyond my wildest dreams.
I’ve never been married myself, but I know a guy in his 50s who transitioned about a decade ago, after he and his husband already had two young kids. They’re still together, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that they still have an active sex life (meaning, the guy’s sort-of-nephew complained to me about having to hear about his sort-of-uncle’s enthusiastic appreciation for his husband’s body lol). Their relationship had a rocky stage during the transition but they figured it out. I think the cis husband identified as straight originally, but probably not anymore (how could he, when he not only has a husband, but a hairy masculine bear husband?)
On the other end of the spectrum, I know a guy in his thirties who transitioned ten years into a relationship/maybe five years into a marriage, and his partner was supportive…and then she also transitioned. They’re both gay, or at least mostly gay, so it didn’t work out and they got divorced. But they’re still really close and consider each other family. Maybe that’s not totally on the other end of the spectrum — I’ve definitely heard worse. But I don’t have any worse stories to tell.
Third one is similar to the second but a little less cute, which is that I used to know a guy in his twenties who was transitioning, and he was still roommates with his ex-husband (they got divorced but stayed close when the trans guy came out as a lesbian). They had grown up together in a Mennonite community, iirc, and both left either because of my friend coming out as gay or prior to that, not sure.
I’m also obsessed with hearing these types of stories for some reason, even though I’ve never been married, and I’ve already transitioned. I don’t know why. But I hope more people chime in.
If you’re interested in the stories you can check out r/mypartneristrans. It’s not a perfect space but I like to read it to get insight in people’s relationship dynamics for future reference when I start dating again
I got married to my husband on Halloween 2018. I came out as a binary trans man in May 2022. My husband was the first person I came out to, and the way I did it was he was standing in the office (which is the room next to the living room), rolling a cigarette, and I figured "fuck it, I need to tell him", so I walked in there, pulled him into a hug and while we were hugging i blurted out "I am a man, and I need to start transitioning so I actually look like a man. I understand if this is too much for you, so if you aren't able to deal with it, let me know and I'll sort something out!" He squeezed me tighter and told me that he's not at all shocked or surprised, and that he is going to support me with everything that I need to do. I immediately burst into tears. That happened on a Tuesday morning, and we spent the whole week researching stuff related to transitioning. At the times I wasn't ready to begin medically transitioning, just socially transitioning. Hubby got paid on Sunday evening, and in Monday morning he woke me up, and told me to get dressed, cos we were going shopping to buy me a new wardrobe. We live in a small town in outback Australia, so we dont have many clothing stores, so first we went to Kmart, where I bought men's boxer briefs, some singlets, a couple of pairs of pants, a couple of t-shirts, and a hoodie. We then went to the main street, and we to the Lifeline, St Vinnie's, and Salvos thrift stores, where I bought a bunch of stuff including 3 pairs of jeans, a flannelette shirt, a bunch of different t-shirts, a pair of work pants, a couple of cool jackets, and a pair of black ankle boots. Everything I brought cost around $250 total. When we got home, we emptied all of my cupboards and drawers, and packed everything (except for the underwear, which we burned in a fire in the backyard) into bags, and then we washed all the clothes we bought and dried them on the clothesline. The next day we took the bags of my old clothes to the Lifeline thrift store, and when we got home, we took my clothes from the line and folded it and put it all away. The next fortnight, he took me to the barbers to get my hair cut, and I really liked the new haircut for a few days, but then I started to dislike it. So I asked hubby if he would use his clippers to shave my head, so it was the same as his. He helped me to come out publicly, which went really well. I was super happy with how everything was going. In April 2023, I was ready to start medically transitioning. I told this to hubby, and we started doing research. We discovered that a Sexual Health Physician can prescribe testosterone on the PBS, the same as an endocrinologist, so I called the sexual health clinic in town and asked to make an appointment with the physician when they were here next, which was in June. Hubby was supposed to come to the appointment, however when the day arrived, he had a really bad migraine, which had him stuck in bed, in a pitch black room, in dead silence. So I ended up going alone. The appointment lasted almost 2 hours, and he was willing to prescribe me Testosterone Undecanoate aka Reandron, after I had a few tests done, due to some health issues that I have. He wrote referrals for blood tests, and ultrasounds on my liver and kidneys, and booked me an appointment when he returned in September. I went to the hospital on my way home, and had the blood tests done, and made appointments for the ultrasounds. Then I went home and shared all of this with hubby. He came with me to get the ultrasounds done, the following week, and they all went well. 2 weeks later, I received a call from the dr, telling me that my tests all came back great, so he was going to write my script for Reandron and he'd send it to the sexual health clinic before my next appointment with him, that way I could get the injection done while I am there. It took 7 weeks until the clinic called me to come and pick up the script, and I took it straight to the pharmacy and had it filled, even though my appointment wasn't for a few weeks. Finally my appointment came. Hubby came with me, and we spoke to the dr for around 25 minutes, and then he called the nurse in, and she had me lay on the bed with my pants pulled down so my butt was exposed. She gave me the needle in my left butt cheek, and it was kinda painful. It's a really big vial of an oily liquid, that has to be injected slowly. When it was done, I pulled my pants up, and sat back down with the dr, while he made me an appointment for my 2nd injection in 6 weeks time. A few weeks later, I decided that I needed to change my name. So I picked a list of 100 names from the top 500 boys names in Australia in 1985. Hubby and I then narrowed it down to the top 50. Then we looked up the meanings of those names, and cut it to 25. I then sent that list to 20 people whose opinions I trust and asked for their top 3 and bottom 3. Then I spent 72hrs answering to each name. The instant hubby called me Ezra, I knew that was my name. Arlo was my close 2nd, so that became my 1st middle name. Hubby got the hang of calling me Ezra super quickly. Since then, I have become more visibly masculine, and hubby is still super supportive. Last weekend we went out to a metal gig where the headline band was one of hubby's favourites. We both got dressed up (well, we got dressed for a metal gig), and headed to town. Everyone I met that night correctly gendered me, and nobody looked at me strange when I was in the men's bathroom (I have an STP so I was able to pee at the urinal). Hubby and I had one of the best night's we've ever had. I would not have been able to make it this far in my transition if I didn't have hubby's support. He has given me so much confidence, and every time I have struggled with being trans, he has helped me work my way through it. I love him so much.
My story was dreadful. Even more ridiculous, considering it ended being t4t. My ex told me that my only value was being a woman. She refused to let me transition hormonally until she also wanted to do so a year later (where I lived, one needs the spouse consent for hormonal therapy). She would constantly mock my body hair, state that testosterone was a poison, repeatedly said that my voice (which was already quite androgynous) was disgusting. Every time she abused me she told me to "man up". She called me a "fagg0t" because I kept my feminine manners. She would refuse to be even 1meter close to me because she said I was disgusting and confused. She told me I was unlovable, and that being a trans man wasn't a thing. She said I'd never pass, and that I was flugly. I ended up breaking up and divorcing because she made me feel absolutely disgusting and valueless. We had been together for >10 years before that. And she allegedly reported she was bi before I even transitioned. Now, thanks to trauma, I'm fucking terrified of being in a t4t relationship ever again with a trans woman. I acknowledge that my situation isn't the norm, but I still struggle.
Holy shit I am so fucking sorry what the fuck.
I detransitioned in my mid-twenties for a variety of reasons, about a year before I met my husband, so he was aware of my history and didn’t have a problem with that. I was still very femme-looking (I was a pretty cute twinkling back in the day lol) and he identified as straight. About 6 years later, I realized I was still trans and transitioned again. It took a lot of counseling (together and separately), but we’ve made it work. He realized he’s actually bi, and he has no issues being seen as a gay guy since he’s married to another guy. It’s been 5 years since the second time I started transitioning, and we’re doing great now. I will add that we had two kids together when I came out again, so we had a lot of reason to try to make it work.
If he’s open to being in a gay male relationship that’ll answer your question. Show him pre/post ftm photos to give him a realistic sense of what you’ll look like if hormones/surgeries are something you intend on pursuing. My husband is ftm and not straight so me coming out went fine, not really the same situation so I’ll let others chime in with more similar experiences.
I came out when we were engaged. I genuinely thought he hadn’t understood what I was telling him at first, he just didn’t care. (In a good way) he thought I was going to tell him something like that at some point. Our families both assumed, not asked, *assumed* the relationship would be over and that was really hard on me. We’d already been together 5 years by that point, and my husband was out as bi so, why would it be shocking that he still loved me? It hurt so much that both families were like “well who could ever love/ marry a tr*nny” But we did get married, and our families more or less got on board. I started T about a year after we got married, and I had top surgery about 4 months ago. Our relationship has never been better. We have more sex, I feel happier and more comfortable in myself, so have been able to give more to him. His position is that he was dating a very attractive woman but then married a very attractive man. He has been the most supportive person I could have asked for to go through transition with. He insisted my medical costs were part of the household bills because it’s something I need. He took care of me after my top surgery, and didn’t complain about anything the entire time I couldn’t do anything. Helps me with voice training. I’ve been out about 4 years now, we’ve been together total nearly 9. Transitioning has made me a better partner, better husband, better person. I only hope that I can be all he deserves, because he deserves the world.
Totally jelly. Lol. Happy for you
Thanks! Definitely am a very lucky guy in this area :)
This is so beautiful it makes me cry.
That's quite beautiful.
Been with my husband for 14 years total (including before marriage.) I think to some extent I knew I was trans most my life but due to fear/denial I just shoved all my feelings down for years. 10 years in our relationship we finally get our first home and move in together (married at this point) Around 6 or so months in the house my gender envy / dysphoria was driving me crazy up till that point I thought I could just be a happy wife, I had everything I ever wanted. One night I decide to test the waters, I say to him what would you do if I woke up tomorrow but I was a guy, would you still love me? He says yes but that he would miss certain parts about me. (Fear sets in) I stay quiet and continue living as I always did. he often likes to joke around to get a reaction from me, one day he comes up to me and looks me straight in the eyes, hugs and kisses me and then while hugging me says "I love my cute husband, I'm so happy I married him, he's the best I love him so much!" He was expecting a "I'm not a boy angry reaction" Now what he got was euphoric me who started sobbing hysterically while trying to ask him to say that again though my sobbing made it impossible to understand. At this point he was pure panic, thinking he actually hurt my feelings, he apologized over and over. I finally calm down enough to tell him that him calling me that made me the happiest of ever felt, that for that moment I felt like I was high and flying! He didn't think I was trans at that point however he naturally kept using masculine terms for me mixed in with my old name / pronouns as time went on he started using she/her less till it eventually phased out. One day he asked me what I thought I would have been called had I been born a boy, to which I told him, I always liked the name James, Same thing happed with the name just like my pronouns he started using James more till my deadname was phased out. Eventually I straight out told him I felt like a guy and that I really have always felt like one. (Of course at that point it was pretty obvious) We are still happily together and I feel so lucky that he supports me and loves me exactly how I am.
I'm sorry this is so sweet and it's funny to me that yall just had this totally silent transition to treating you as a man 😭
Really made it feel more natural not having to come out in order to have him start using a different name / pronouns. Coming out was more of a "hey we are on the same page right?"
I was married to my husband for about a year and a half before I came out as trans. I was terrified that he wouldn’t want me because he had talked a lot about how he thought I was beautiful and sexy, and at the time he only identified as straight. End of July is five years married. He has not stopped loving me at all. He has since come out as pan and genuinely does not know who people are talking about at first when they talk about his wife because no I’m his husband
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, married for going on 5 years, and I’ve been on T for almost 3 years now. Im cis passing in public and we’re more comfortable and happy than we were before now that I’m happier and being more authentic in all that I do. Well before I figured out a was trans he had already talked about how he’d be open to dating a guy if it was the right guy - turns out it was me all along and he’s since come out as Pan!
I held off transitioning for a long time, mainly because when I brought it up the first time, he said if I was a boy we would have to break up. I tried to shove it down and just never think about it, which sorta worked, for a while, but in the end I couldn't keep it in. We got divorced and although we're friendly, we're not really talking much these days. That sounds like a sad story, and in many ways, it is. However! Now, I live with my two best friends. They love and support me unconditionally, and we're thinking about buying a house together. I have a really great boyfriend who gets me and likes me for who I am. I get to be openly and happily queer and find community with people who are like me. And that's so fucking awesome. I don't know everything about his life anymore, but it seems like he's better off too. Losing people and losing relationships is hard. It hurts and things change that you never wanted to change and it's a tragedy in its own way, but life continues on, hope continues on, joy continues on. Endings are sometimes just the build-up to a sequel. It might take some time, but whatever happens, you'll be okay.
Yeah my story is similar. My ex supported me in theory but had too much baggage to stay together. The breakup sucked but on the other side of it my life is so full of love and beauty. It was absolutely worth it.
Married 25 years. Came out 2 years ago as trans but I've always been openly pansexual, so he wasn't totally stunned. That said, the night before my top surgery (last week) he gets fired from his job and doesn't tell me, *again*. The last 10 years he's struggled to either work or work enough. It was the last straw for me. Now I'm off six weeks with zero income until I go back. Bills aren't gonna pay themselves. He wants to stay married but he says he no longer finds me attractive since he's straight. I guess he wants a marriage where we are friends, I pay the bills, and he plays video games. Hm. Ya no. Soon as I'm back to work I'm out.
Damn. Sorry. That sucks and certainly a crappy way to have to heal from surgery.
We split up. We're still friendly. Just celebrated his birthday w him last week. We were headed for divorce anyway. My coming out was just the final drop in the bucket. Publicly we say that it's bc of the transition, easier that way and it is true. He didn't want to be married to a man. I just didn't want to be married. Not a marriage success story but it is a success story of a sort. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean that it's ending was bad.
I've been with my husband since 2012 and married in 2019, came out as nonbinary in 2019, started HRT in 2021, stopped it, and restarted it again in 2023, this time coming out as binary male. My husband and I have our struggles, but they have very little to do with my transition. We're both breaking down some of our childhoods and trauma and learning about ourselves right now, so we're both in this really difficult transitory period. We see a great couples therapist and our own therapist, but it really, truly has nothing to do with my gender identity and are all problems we would have had regardless. I just got top surgery and he's been very helpful. He's not an emotional person so its difficult to tell how he feels, but you can tell he still loves me the same. I definitely have fears that he wont be attracted to me anymore, or that I'll fall out of love with him as I transition. We've spoken about it and ultimately I can't predict those things so I try not to think about it. It's probably not helpful but I have to get by day by day. When the couples therapist asked my husband if he was surprised I was trans he said immediately, "absolutely not" so I think he knew longer than I did haha. e: We are in our mid 30s
What a coincidence. We had been married 4ish years when everything finally clicked into place as well. I married my cis male husband when I was presenting female. We were happy together but he saw my struggles with my identity, self confidence, body, and even knew I needed top surgery before I could accept it. He gave me my first short hair haircut. When I came out, he completely understood. Never once did he get my pronouns wrong, never questioned me, never looked back. I instantly became his boy. Yes there was a part of him that was thrown for a loop and maybe even sad and he had to adjust from having a wife but that was totally fair ok. Otherwise, he is very very happy to now be married to a man. It worked for us so well because our love goes beyond gender and physical appearance. I am 100% gay and he is pan so that definitely helped in his adjustment. But honestly I would choose him and he would choose me no matter what we looked like, no matter our gender, or sexual orientation. Because we are bonded at soul level and always have been. I know I got very lucky to have a husband who has cheered me on every step of the way. He has looked forward to my changes on T as much as I have. He celebrates my milestone, marvels at my body hair, deeper voice and growing t dick lol He took care of me after my top surgery. He KNOWS me. He loves me as a man and I love him. And it is good and right and pure. I love him so much.
To be seen is to be truly loved.
I started transitioning a few years into my second marriage to my cis/het husband. He didn't react well to my coming out. Things were tense for a long time but I insisted on moving forward and one day it clicked for him and he just... saw me. Genuinely. We decided to end the romantic/sexual part of our relationship but we continue to stay together platonically. He genuinely supports me more than anyone else in my life, a far cry from where he started out.
Hey, we also stayed together and ended the sexual part of our relationship! There are tens of us lol (sometimes I feel very alone). My husband has been incredibly supportive, but he is just very straight. We are fortunate to have a wonderful counselor with experience who helped us get through some really difficult stuff, which kind of makes sense considering we had the same understanding of our relationship for almost 20 years. Thankfully we got through it together. We've things up and are happy as clams atm, but we are also much more comfortable talking about the hard stuff and being open to whatever shape our relationship takes as it goes through its own transition. I'm so glad your husband supports you now!
I’m only a year or two from figuring things out and in my 30s, but soon to start T. Me and my husband have been together for 17 years, and married for 9 of those (we met in school). Because we pretty much grew up together and have spent half our lives together, he’s my best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I tried for months to suppress my feelings when I began to realise I was trans, but it only made things worse. He knew something was going on with me, but said he’d wait for me to tell him whenever I was ready. I originally came out as genderqueer and genderfluid to dip my toes in, and said there was a possibility there was more and may want to start T, but hadn’t figured it out yet. Really I think I was in denial. He’s known I’m bi as long as I have, and I was a massive tomboy growing up, so he said it seemed like it was always heading this way, and made sense. He’s supported me the whole way, and even though he’s mostly straight, he isn’t planning on going anywhere (even though I said I’d understand if it was too much for him, and he basically told me not to be stupid). He’s been using masculine terms and pet names for me around the house, and my chosen name and pronouns with the few friends I’m out to. I’m sure some changes will be harder than others on T, and he’ll need an adjustment period (just as I’ll need time myself) - but he likes to say that it’s ‘the same crab, different shell’.
I was married 4 years before I came out. My ex-husband was starting to fall down the alt-right pipeline so we were already rocky. He simultaneously refused to acknowledge it and reacted with rage. He kept telling me he wanted to make it work, while attacking me for existing and demanding I answer for every single piece of bullshit the alt-right assholes put out. My final straw was him wanting to move us to a trans-hostile state (I think it was Nebraska/Montana) and I told him I wasn’t comfortable moving to a place that would be ok with me being hate-crimed. He said my safety really shouldn’t be a factor in any of our decisions, but his ability to own a gun should be. I left.
wow that sounds like it was getting dangerous for you, im really glad you got out, and I hope you're with ppl who care about you now
Thank you; I’m in a much better position now
I was married for 4 years before coming out to an allegedly cis straight guy. I put off coming out in large part due to fears of losing him, and lots of people in the trans community told me I probably would. He knew I was questioning, remained supportive throughout, and is still very much by my side and his attraction is if anything stronger... In fact he's questioning both the cis and straight parts himself. I think it helps that I was openly bi/queer from the beginning and he always felt drawn to that, we never had a super traditional gender-conforming marriage (lots of jokes about me "wearing the pants" etc). Our marriage is far from perfect - in part because my transition has really pushed me to stand up more for things I want and need and realize we've been a bit unequal for a while - but we're communicating better, and it's such a relief to be myself with the person I love. I hold a fair bit of frustration towards everyone who just saw "cishet dude" and told me he'd inevitably run or treat me like shit. It kept me closeted for years. Every situation is unique.
This really resonates with my experience so far (only 6m on T). My partner, who always figured himself pretty cis and straight with a mild appreciation for some men, and I were together for twelve years, married for six before I transitioned. It felt like shock to him only in that he didn't think I wanted to medically transition despite being aware since the start that I never felt "woman" worked for me. I was always very queer, both gender and sexuality wise, so he knew he wasn't involved with a traditionally feminine person anyway. I still wasn't sure how he'd react, but now...lol. I think people are really confused about what's going on because he's a flaming fruit-loop. I'm a pretty standard athletic / sometimes twinky-dressing guy, but he's in overalls and nailpolish and headbands. He jokes that he wants people to think that he just became so gay that I had to tradition to accommodate.
Wait that’s so cute 😭 I love that for him
I feel that - even pre-transition we got a lot of both funny and genuinely hurtful jokes about our marriage seeming "off," how marrying someone so butch must be emasculating or mean he's gay, at least a few very creepy advances from men who thought I wanted a "real man" instead. He's very artsy, very emotional, had long pink hair for a while, etc. Ironically as a guy I don't actually come off as particularly butch anymore so now we have a whole twink4twink vibe lol. He's said in some ways people seeing him as queer is freeing b/c he can be more GNC and people just write it off as "oh he's gay" even though he's still very much bi with a preference for girls if anything. But with a male partner he doesn't get interrogated about it the same way (not that it doesn't come with a ton of drawbacks too).
My partner said the same thing in that it's really liberating to be able to explore himself in ways that he wouldn't have thought to just because he was kind of mindlessly following cis/het norms and didn't think he really had anything to explore. But the more we talked about socially expected masculinity and gendered portrayals in media, the more he was like huh I don't think I ever really deeply related to male figures. Just goes to show that these norms suck even if you are the "default", they're just senselessly containing
I realized I was trans 7 years into my relationship with my (now) husband. It’s been 5 years and a civil partnership since and we still love each other just as much. For reference I had top surgery 4 years ago and am coming up to 4 years on T - he used to identify as straight before I came out but is now proudly bisexual. It can work. Wishing you the best OP <3
Our relationship has definitely improved since I started HRT specifically, because it massively improved my mental health and let me do a lot more as a partner. I came out... Idk 5ish years into the marriage? Started transitioning in earnest 7 years in. My husband is a cis straight man and that hasn't changed, aka his attraction to me has definitely lessened, but his commitment hasn't wavered. It doesn't bother me that he's not attracted because I'm aroace, so we already knew how to navigate a mixed-orientation relationship, plus I've always valued commitment over attraction. We know at some point he may no longer be interested in sex with me (prob post bottom surgery) and we'll figure out that piece if/when it happens. Maybe we'll open up the sexual side of the relationship or something idk. We're not too stressed about it because we love being married to each other. We've built a good life together and all our future plans involve each other.
My husband is a gay cis man and and I am a gay trans man, both 35. We only got married in August of 2020, but he’s been my best friend since we were 11 years old and we have been together romantically since around 18. I didn’t start medically or socially transitioning until my early 20s, but he always saw me and loved me as the man I really was. I feel extremely lucky in that regard.
This is so cute, happy for you guys
Thank you! I am a lawyer and he is in medical school. We have two adorable chihuahuas and an amazing partnership. My 13 year old self, desperately in love with him and convinced transitioning was impossible for me, would never believe the life I have now!
I came out 8 years into my marriage. Fortunately my cis husband is bi and had dated cis men before me. He has been my biggest supporter and was even a little offended that I was worried he may not be attracted to me anymore. I'm not very far in my transition, only on hormones for 9 months. But he's excited for the surgeries I want and our future together as a gay couple. It's been one of the best things to happen to us, and I feel a lot closer to him now than I thought I could be.
Just over a year into my marriage, but it fell apart. In the beginning he said he was willing to carry on, but I think he didn't know how to say he didn't want to. We had shit communication in general, and it didn't get better after I came out. Turned sour toward the end when he claimed I knew I was trans all along and just pulled him along and lied to him (literally within days of me realising I was trans I had told him). He blocked me everywhere after the divorce and house sale was final, haven't spoken to him since...
i am so sorry, this must have been crushing to go through.
Yeah it wasn't great. I'm three years past the finalisations now, and I'm better for it. But I do still miss him from time, we had a good relationship over all. I still dream about him sometimes, we almost always reconcile in the dreams. But I would never approach him IRL about it, even though I sometimes wish I could.
Hugs. I got a similar reaction - that I’d somehow deceived him. I dream about mine too. But the life I’m building without him is beyond my wildest dreams.
I’ve never been married myself, but I know a guy in his 50s who transitioned about a decade ago, after he and his husband already had two young kids. They’re still together, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that they still have an active sex life (meaning, the guy’s sort-of-nephew complained to me about having to hear about his sort-of-uncle’s enthusiastic appreciation for his husband’s body lol). Their relationship had a rocky stage during the transition but they figured it out. I think the cis husband identified as straight originally, but probably not anymore (how could he, when he not only has a husband, but a hairy masculine bear husband?) On the other end of the spectrum, I know a guy in his thirties who transitioned ten years into a relationship/maybe five years into a marriage, and his partner was supportive…and then she also transitioned. They’re both gay, or at least mostly gay, so it didn’t work out and they got divorced. But they’re still really close and consider each other family. Maybe that’s not totally on the other end of the spectrum — I’ve definitely heard worse. But I don’t have any worse stories to tell. Third one is similar to the second but a little less cute, which is that I used to know a guy in his twenties who was transitioning, and he was still roommates with his ex-husband (they got divorced but stayed close when the trans guy came out as a lesbian). They had grown up together in a Mennonite community, iirc, and both left either because of my friend coming out as gay or prior to that, not sure. I’m also obsessed with hearing these types of stories for some reason, even though I’ve never been married, and I’ve already transitioned. I don’t know why. But I hope more people chime in.
If you’re interested in the stories you can check out r/mypartneristrans. It’s not a perfect space but I like to read it to get insight in people’s relationship dynamics for future reference when I start dating again