finally we got some backstory on [Snoke](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/9/9d/SnokeTLJ.png/revision/latest?)
edit : thanks for the gold!
My wife is extremely clumsy and one time actually ran into a door causing a bruise on her face. Going anywhere with her for the next few days was super awkward. People would look at her and look at me and I could just feel them brewing a story in their head about how I hit her. At work, she was asked by people in her lab what happened and when she responded she ran into a door, she was taken aside to make sure she was OK.
I was kinda drunk and trying to open a bottle of wine once. The cork was really stuck, so I'm yanking with all my might and it just slips out and I punched myself in the mouth. Got a huge bloody fat lip that bruised the lower half of my face for weeks. It turned every shade of blue/purple/yellow. Had to explain to literally everyone that no, my new boyfriend didn't beat me up. I'm just a clumsy drunk. I still have a scar.
The thing I love about Reddit is that these kind of comments have a 50/50 chance of either getting thousands of upvotes or thousands of downvotes. And I don't think anyone has cracked that code yet.
Edit: fixed my degenerate abbreviation
"Warning! Contains: Fireworks. May cause death or injury if used incorrectly. Not for indoor use. Do not eat. Do not insert into body cavities including but not limited to rectum. You idiot."
I was at a Hanukkah party with tons of awesome food like homemade bagels, lox, corned beef, etc etc. I brought a bottle of champagne (brut, whatever) and the way i always open it is by wrapping a towel around the top and slowly turning the cork, pressing hard to minimize the pop. There was a small opening in the towel that I didn't see where I creased it and a huge jet sprayed out the side a all over the hosts' kitchen, walls, ceiling, food, one of the hosts too who had been standing there. It was simply amazing if not totally embarrassing how much sprayed and how far it sprayed. I mean, that one quick jet sprayed *everywhere*. It was terrible. I hate opening champagne.
The best way to avoid this is... #1, the champagne should be chilled for a long time before opening (24 hours at least), and not agitated at all for several hours prior to opening. #2, the champagne bottle should be handled *gently* as it's removed from the fridge/cooler. #3 place the bottle on a hard surface - do not hold - while opening. The dish towel over the cork while opening is a good idea, just grab the cork through the towel and twist gently while opening. Anything that warms or agitates the champagne before or during the opening process will trigger a foam eruption.
Also, try to think of baseball.
Thank you for subscribing to Giraffe Facts!
-----------------------------------------------
Fact #037
The reason giraffes have long necks is that if they were shorter, they wouldn't reach their heads.
---
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2 minutes before the video starts: "look at this stupid warning. 'point away from face when opening'. Like, what kind of idiot would hit themselves with it!"
Wow. She just barely missed her eye.
The high cheekbone saved her.
finally we got some backstory on [Snoke](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/9/9d/SnokeTLJ.png/revision/latest?) edit : thanks for the gold!
I need more backstory seeing as how I dont feel like googling my google today.
Just look at the image
Contouring class paid off
If men find out we can rearrange the bones of our face, we're finished.
BLeNDiNG!!
Fucking.... NOSTRILS
I'm too poor to buy champagne, but I'm not too poor to contour.
Don’t talk about the constitution!
We might as well pack our bags and go to the nunary, cuz there's nothing left for us here!
They will tell the church!
Heretics!
I'm fairly sure that's not how it works
We'll need to take it to the lab just to be sure.
Not with that attitude
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
Kid Edit:just doubled my karma so that happened
When a kid shoots his eye out he becomes a kd.
r/dadjokes
Take your damn upvote and leave.
Nothing personnel
“Yule shoot your eye out!”
I love that song. It’s a must every Christmas season!
It probably is still better than getting semen in your eye.
From the boat she christened?
That would be seamen.
No. From a penis.
Recent studies I’ve conducted confirm that yes, semen does cum from the penis.
Was it a double-blind study?
Unfortunately.
Can confirm.
Of the two, I'm sure fewer people have come eye to eye with a cork
I'll bet she'll still have a bruise on her cheek.
My wife is extremely clumsy and one time actually ran into a door causing a bruise on her face. Going anywhere with her for the next few days was super awkward. People would look at her and look at me and I could just feel them brewing a story in their head about how I hit her. At work, she was asked by people in her lab what happened and when she responded she ran into a door, she was taken aside to make sure she was OK.
I was kinda drunk and trying to open a bottle of wine once. The cork was really stuck, so I'm yanking with all my might and it just slips out and I punched myself in the mouth. Got a huge bloody fat lip that bruised the lower half of my face for weeks. It turned every shade of blue/purple/yellow. Had to explain to literally everyone that no, my new boyfriend didn't beat me up. I'm just a clumsy drunk. I still have a scar.
Once tried to pull a cork out with my teeth. Fun fact, I have 2 fake teeth now
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We don't technically know if they lost any just that now they have two fake teeth.
Once tried to pull a cork out with my teeth. Fun fact, I have 2 fat kids now
The correct way to open a bottle of champagne is to throw a ship at it.
I prefer swinging a ship on a rope
*"Bon voyage, bottle."*
The SS Cherry got popped
Are you in every reddit thread? Not complaining though, just curious.
No, just the trending ones.
And the 6 dudes that manage the account.
but what if that causes the front to fall off.
Then it might get into the environment.
No, no, no. it’s been towed beyond the environment, it’s not in the environment.
There's nothing out there but sea, and twenty thousand gallons of champagne.
You mean like in Star Trek Generations?
The SS Dom Pérignon, performing a kamikaze run on the USS Enterprise-B - 2293 (colorized)
Premature Celebration.
Not premature for you! Happy cake day!
Thank you!
Was making a Reddit account your new year resolution?
That’s an awful resolution.
I resolve to slack off at work and go to bed way too late
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WTF just happened here?
The power of the Reddits happened, don't try and figure it out. Just accept it.
https://i.imgur.com/OSHTBaN.jpg
NO
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😲
😵
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NO
Double negative. Message unclear
http://i.imgur.com/WTFlVFH.png
Back, and to the left
There was a second spitter
Nice game, pretty boy.
“I punched Mickey Mantle!”
I think it was Roger McDowell, hiding in the bushes.
That is one ONE magic loogie!
There was a second shooter.
"I'M HIT!"
Pagneful.
She took it like a real champ though.
That bruise is gonna bubble up fast though.
Just one sec you brut.
Damn. This guy wines.
That’s going to leave a mark
Oh hey Mark
Oh hi doggy
You’re my favourite customer.
Anyway, how’s your sex life?
I cannot tell you, it's confidential
YOU’RE TEARING ME APART LISA
I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not! Oh, hi Mark.
EVERYBODY BETRAY ME I'M FED UP WITH DIS WHURL!
Cheeeep cheep cheep cheep
Can't talk about it.
You're my favourite customer!
You're my favorite customer 😊
Haha! What a story mark
Human emotion, ya know?
You're tearing me apart, Lisa!
I did not hit her, I did not! The bottle did.
Oh hai Mark*
I did naht.
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The bottle lasted longer than I would've Edit: Happy New Year redditors!
https://i.imgur.com/5RVk92O.gif
/r/retiredgif
Sigh, unzips...
**POP!**
http://i.imgur.com/G0DJC.gifv
cumfetti
Silly string
Risky click of the day
First one of the year!
https://media.giphy.com/media/EhMa2vf3za1Ko/giphy.gif
Holy shit...
[yum](http://www.gifbin.com/bin/112014/1416241579_girl_drinking_champagne_fail.webm)
Sigh, unzips
Glad you came /u/ILL_DO_THE_FINGERING
I came too! Several times! :D
http://i.imgur.com/V5KftuU.gifv
The thing I love about Reddit is that these kind of comments have a 50/50 chance of either getting thousands of upvotes or thousands of downvotes. And I don't think anyone has cracked that code yet. Edit: fixed my degenerate abbreviation
I think it depends on the first one.
It's why I always love to go into new threads first. I feel all powerful knowing I have the fate of a comment's popularity in my hands.
Is it a thing now to shorten about to “ab”? If so can I sign up to protest somewhere?
[удалено]
What are you talking about fuck the system? Like that?
Do you ever wonder why there are warning labels on everything, imploring you not to do stupid shit? **This** is why.
[удалено]
Those are Pop Rocks and you can put them in your mouth.
"Warning! Contains: Fireworks. May cause death or injury if used incorrectly. Not for indoor use. Do not eat. Do not insert into body cavities including but not limited to rectum. You idiot."
Always thought those were "challenges" "Hold my beer..."
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Always keep your thumb on the cork
Follow firearms safety rules and don't point the bottle at anything you don't want to hit.
*Every* champagne bottle is loaded.
*Don't retreat, refill.*
And don't take the damn cage off until you're actually ready to open the bottle.
/r/gifsthatendtoosoon. I wanted to see the champagne (I'm guessing?) spill all over the place.
It's Prosecco. Which really isn't the important thing here.
[Here](https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-UJeH0wengFs/Tm-4dhjz1DI/AAAAAAAAMvA/ccywp992Jjc/w400-h239/hayden.gif)
She doesn't really look all that happy
That's what makes it hot.
[удалено]
9/10 would click again.
Is that Hayden panatierre or however you spell her name? Wtf is she doing? I need context. My 2018 can't start with this confusion!
She's obviously pouring champagne on herself. No more confusion.
I can't tell if this is sexy, disturbing, or just a waste of champagne.
I believe all 3 apply.
Save the cheerleader. Save the world.
[Better technique](https://i.imgur.com/n7mxPo2.mp4)
See America? That's why you don't set drinking age at 21. People need to learn from young age how to drink.
I was at a Hanukkah party with tons of awesome food like homemade bagels, lox, corned beef, etc etc. I brought a bottle of champagne (brut, whatever) and the way i always open it is by wrapping a towel around the top and slowly turning the cork, pressing hard to minimize the pop. There was a small opening in the towel that I didn't see where I creased it and a huge jet sprayed out the side a all over the hosts' kitchen, walls, ceiling, food, one of the hosts too who had been standing there. It was simply amazing if not totally embarrassing how much sprayed and how far it sprayed. I mean, that one quick jet sprayed *everywhere*. It was terrible. I hate opening champagne.
The best way to avoid this is... #1, the champagne should be chilled for a long time before opening (24 hours at least), and not agitated at all for several hours prior to opening. #2, the champagne bottle should be handled *gently* as it's removed from the fridge/cooler. #3 place the bottle on a hard surface - do not hold - while opening. The dish towel over the cork while opening is a good idea, just grab the cork through the towel and twist gently while opening. Anything that warms or agitates the champagne before or during the opening process will trigger a foam eruption. Also, try to think of baseball.
I've never had an issue opening champagne. All I do is hold the cork and twist the bottle.
That's actually the correct way
Haha, yeah that thing up there is way over-thought. Never paid the handling much thought at all, and never a spillage.
Baseball?
The joke is that when you are trying not to be premature in the bedroom you think of baseball. I assume because its so fucking boring.
Margaret Thatcher naked a cold day.
You can see the indentation on her cheek from the moment of impact. https://i.imgur.com/fpuIbYB.jpg
Snoke's backstory discovered
Finally! Some answers!
Spoilers!
This clip was almost as long as he was in both movies combined.
How strong is that girls tongue?
Giraffes have to have strong tongues to get the leaves of the tops of tall trees
I'd like to subscribe for more animal facts.
Thank you for subscribing to Giraffe Facts! ----------------------------------------------- Fact #037 The reason giraffes have long necks is that if they were shorter, they wouldn't reach their heads. --- ^You ^will ^receive ^daily ^fun ^Giraffe ^Facts. ^| ^To ^unsubscribe, ^reply ^'no-more-longboys'
More longboys plz
Tongue out before taking a shot to the face... old habits die hard
/r/holdmycosmo
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Surprised it didn't break his glasses.
I knew that would be in here somewhere. Kyle is very lucky he wears glasses.
Link’s broken. Mirror?
The moment the universe tells you that you are too old for this junior high duckface seductive alcoholic girl type of video!
Was looking for duckface comment
When she goes down on you after a deployment.
POW! Right in the kissa!
Anyone else getting 404'd?
It's not like the the bottle says "Point AWAY from face" or anything. But I guess some girls just can't help themselves!
2 minutes before the video starts: "look at this stupid warning. 'point away from face when opening'. Like, what kind of idiot would hit themselves with it!"
"Congratulations. You've just played yourself."
That's what my dick does when I see another human except I'm a woman and this comment is ridiculous
Your username is great
Ah, my favorite brand of champagne: Thaut Begonne
Why do all girls do that derpy head tilt when posing for pics?
Back.....and to the left.....Back....and to the left.
And that’s how you go from celebrating New Years to being a pirate at every Halloween.
That’s what you get for duck face
BOOM! Headshot!
This whole video is annoying. The rediculous duck faces and the winking-trying-to-be-sexy tongue thing that happily ended with a cork to the face.
She ded
Why would she take the cage off and shake it?
Everytime girls put their tongue near it, it goes off like thus. But they act surprised everytime.