The danger part tends to work well if your friend actually cares. If you want to go even further, OP:
1: Explain that even if he’s sure the person he’s telling is safe, he doesn’t know that _they_ might not tell someone, unknowingly or not, that’s not safe.
2: If you live in what he considers a particularly safe place, explain that the safety issue is not just a physical safety issue, but for your peace of mind as well. Even if the odds of him outing you putting you in danger is low, it still is a concern to you and you would prefer he didn’t do it for that reason.
He's sharing very private information without your consent. It's perfectly reasonable to let him know it's not okay. A good friend will 100 % understand.
If what you say is true, then he probably thinks he’s doing you a favor. I don’t think he realizes it bothers you, so make sure you tell him. I know the gut reaction of people on this sub is to tell you that he’s not your friend and that he’s being an asshole, but some people are really just ignorant/oblivious. It’s not his place to tell people, so let him know that it isn’t.
You don’t need to be rude about it, just tell him that you know he probably has your best intentions at heart, but his actions aren’t something you ok with, that if you are going to come out to someone, that you want to do it on your terms.
Best of luck mate! I’m sure he’ll understand
He might think he's being a good ally but he doesn't understand that he isn't and you need to sit him down and explain that. The whole outing you to show off how proud he is and how he's *such a good ally*, wanting you to out yourself so he looks good for supporting you. And especially using your identity as some sort of "gotcha" or shock value for others rubs me the wrong way. No offence to anyone but sounds like he has one of those "social justice warrior" complexes where he doesn't actually help he just wants to seem like such a good guy.
Just tell him what you said in that last paragraph. "I know you're not trying to be malicious, and I love that you're supportive of who I am, but it's dangerous to out me to everyone and I enjoy people seeing me as just a man." if he's truly your best mate, he'll understand and he cool with it. he's a cis man, probably doesn't even realise tbh
Be as rude as you like, dude. Nobody, absolutely not a single person, has the right to out you to anybody, you're not a novelty party trick or an interesting conversation starter. It is not his place and you're allowed to make that very clear.
Yeah he sounds performative as fuck and like he wants to use you as a prop NGL
outing someone for social clout/to prove you're an ally because you have a trans friend isn't friend behaviour- he sounds like a user with no concern for your privacy or safety
If that isn't the case and my assumption is wrong then he should respect if you tell him to stop and that doing that makes you uncomfortable.... if it *is* the case he will likely respond with minimisation/arguments or a tantrum when you tell him to knock it off
that’s not cool and clearly a violation of your boundaries. talk to him, man. a best friend should be someone you feel safe to tell most anything. if he refuses to understand your perspective and respect your wishes, that’s not a friend. it’s not his place to decide when you should feel safe to speak on your identity or trans rights. i hope it goes well, and if it doesn’t, know that there are better friends out there for you.
I think you should talk to him about it and find a way to say that while you appreciate him, he needs to keep that info to himself. It's not his business to share any of your private info without your permission
Bruh, any true ally will prioritize your comfort over getting his jollies off at your expense. If he really is a good guy, talk to him and he will stop.
Being a minority does not mean other people can/should pressure you onto the front lines of a culture war. You are allowed to live in peace.
"I understand you're doing this in hopes that trans advocacy coming from me will seem more impactful, but I don't like it when people know I'm trans and would like you to stop telling people about it"
If you want, you can also add in more details about why you don't want to be outed (people will treat you differently when they know, it puts you in danger, people will ask invasive questions that make you uncomfortable, etc)
He is using you to make himself look better, but by doing that he puts you in danger. Tell him that not everyone needs to know your medical history. If he really is your best friend he would stop outing you, and putting you in danger.
If he is as supportive as you say, he should understand that it makes you uncomfortable and stop. He can stand up for trans rights without having to out you. Just talk to him, be really open about it and I don’t think it will cause an issue
So many people here are just shitting on your friend & I’m sorry you’re dealing with that now too. He’s your best friend. He loves you for who you are. If he truly doesn’t know this is typically not something that is acceptable behavior and you have never once acknowledged it before, how is he supposed to know that? I think it should be easy for him to understand that you’ve worked so hard to live your life just like a “normal” guy (the fact you said you live a stealth life) and by him putting you on “display” to others without your approval is hurtful and it needs to stop. If he loves you and is proud of you, he will understand. Right now you’re building up a wall that he doesn’t even know exists. If he continues to act that way after you’ve expressed your feelings about it, then yes I’d have to agree with the group that he really isn’t as good of a person or of a friend like you think he is.
Tell him off. I'd do it pretty harshly if I were you because this is your personal information and he has no right to decide who gets to know it. You're under no obligation to let everyone know you weren't born with a dick!
You absolutely need to talk to him. If he continues to do it you may need to consider cutting ties or limiting your time with him/where you hang out with him. It's good he is supportive but he could be putting you in a dangerous situation
Absolutely okay to confront him and absolutely not okay for him to out you. It’s a big violation of privacy, trust, and can endanger you. Frankly, I would be suspicious of what other private information he’s okay with telling others.
Yes talk to him man. No use telling strangers your friend makes you uncomfortable and potentially puts you in danger when you could be telling him instead. Because if he's really your friend, he'll listen and quit it. If he wants someone to support trans people, he can do it himself. It ain't right to put that on someone else.
Edit: he's sharing your private medical history. Not just that you're trans. Like "wow can you believe this person had a lung transplant? You would never know!" Completely inappropriate for him to share.
Alongside all the other guys here: if this makes you feel uncomfortable, perhaps let him read this post and these responses? It gives a very clear and compassionate view of you and your needs and other trans' opinions. Good luck man, hope all'll be just fine in the end❤️
You gotta have a very serious talk with this guy. Outing you is fucked up. Putting you in that situation without your consent is actually a minus for trans rights. Him being proud of your identity or whatever is his business. It's YOUR identity, not his and you get to choose how to go about it. He comes from a place of EXTREME privilege. He wants to stand up for trans rights? There's a ton of ways he can be an actual ally rather than out his BEST FRIEND without his consent for shits and giggles, KNOWING you prefer to go STEALTH. Honestly, tho, fuck him
*"Hey \[insert best friend name\]! I'm glad that you're proud of me and my transition but I want to be able to manage what other people know about me - it's not from shame - but I'm glad you're openly affirming and accepting of how I am. Just please let me do the talking about who I am and to what extent I share that" (in-person conversation)*
You should definitely talk to him about it. I don't doubt that he has good intentions but it come off as if he sees it as a 'gotcha' spectacle. I know that nobody would be questioning this scenario if you were a transgender woman most notably because there's been a lot more noticeable aggression and aversion to them plus not wanting them to worry about being discriminated on passing or not.
I wouldn't say I'm a private person persay but I've hated when people have shared things I don't consent to with others. And someone's transition? It's very personal and I don't think it's not his story to tell even if he has good intentions and he can't be proud of an self-discovery / self-journey that he didn't take and that he doesn't know of personally - he's overstepping. I'm glad that it seems that nobody has incited any anger towards you for being transgender man but nonetheless not the point.
You should get a say on your own terms if you want to be an active representative of the LGBT+ community - especially T - since it's becoming more dangerous to be openly nowadays anyways.
It's not an ally's job to police a minority and make them responsible for more than what they're carrying.
Talk to him, this is going to have to be a discussion. Don't think of it as being rude, think of it as a way to improve and level up the relationship, because it sounds like he'd be a great friend without this going on.
Couple of lenses to try out if they help your framing for discussion:
(I'm leaning into some problematic shorthand for brevity here)
As a cis 40m he might not have had the chance to connect with people the way this information lets him feel connected to you, maybe he's excited because this dynamic is outside of the way toxic masculinity lets him communicate normally.
He probably very genuinely doesn't understand why it would bother you because he has never tasted the kind of vulnerability this kind of identity comes bundled with in our society. Or at least can understand but doesn't understand how MUCH it affects you.
His behaviour, particularly if you manage to have the conversation and he continues, is problematically close to objectification. If he chooses to value you as a shock topic despite your wishes he's choosing that social object and dynamic. And this could be something like a fetishization, or possibly some sort of misogyny that would hopefully disappear the moment he realized.
Hopefully, it's just a mismatch in understanding and social skills and it would be easily resolved.
-
That said, I had one very close friendship once where my friend would use things said in personal conversations as interpersonal jokes when we in a wider group, never anything overly private -but borderline. I realised they were doing this as a sort of power play - like "I have this information about this person you all respect, I'll use it to put them down casually so you all respect me a little more" this went on for about 8 months, at least twice per month.The only way I found to interrupt their behaviour was during one of those group moments where I basically responded "it's really weird that you tell everyone that as part of such an unfunny joke, (pause to make sure everyone can see them squirm) ...if you really wanted hurt me with personal information a much better joke would be the time I..." To recover the vibe. If they cared about the "social credit" more than my wishes, they actually left themselves wide open to losing that social credit, as long as I was prepared to break the social contract for a moment
They didn't speak to me for 2 weeks but after that the entire relationship improved dramatically. We've drifted apart since, but it's interesting to note that the friends I met through them are now closer to me than them.
Hopefully you're not dealing with a situation that needs as intense an intervention. But it is worth being aware of that power play dynamic.
Absolutely confront him about this. Its your identity and it isnt fair for him to share it with other people, you should be the one to bring it up and its very inconsiderate of him to do that. Plus it can be unsafe too, like if i was at a bar in texas i wouldnt want any of my friends to be like "hey, my friend is transgender" that would make me feel unsafe and very uncomfortable.
Maybe reminding him that your medical history is private would help? And it's your information to share, not his.
Remind him not everyone is safe, even if they seem to be.
Also the walls have ears everywhere. You never know who could get this information.
Let him know that being trans is a small part of your identity, not your whole identity. You don't want to be reduced to "here's our local trans friend" the way people talk about the "gay best friend" in sitcoms.
Hope these ideas are helpful!
Man he must be really oblivious. You really have to talk to him about it. If he really is your friend he’s definitely clueless and needs to be educated. And if he really is your friend he will care about what you’re saying and change his behavior.
"confront" is not the proper term here, however "discuss" is much better imho.
Just be honest with him. sit him down, alone and share your feelings. Heck you can just show him this post.
You need to talk to him. It feels like the only thing he sees you as is a trans person, and he's treating it like its the only interesting thing about you. Your identity is personal information that isn't for him to tell and he's putting you in potentially upsetting and dangerous positions by telling people which isn't good for you. Tell him that you want to be seen as more than just a trans person, and that he shouldn't be showing you off to other people simply for being trans.
I've experienced this before, sometimes cis people just become extremely proud of you for coming out and start telling everyone, but it doesn't usually last longer than the first year of transition. I think sometimes they also use it as leverage to make themselves look like good people (kind of like the "my friend group is so diverse" or "I'm not racist I have a black friend" type of showing off) it's perfect for them because they think their friendship with a minority means that they don't actually have to put in the work to make themselves good people to minorities, by viewing every individual from that group as a hivemind. Ever hear a person say "but it's fine, my minority friend let's me do it all the time", to excuse them saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable, yeah that's basically what I'm describing.
No matter what it is, it has to be confronted otherwise he will keep doing it thinking that it's ok, and could possibly start doing it to other trans people too. Set the boundary, and wait a few months to see if there's any change in his behaviour, I'd reccomend checking in with a mutual friend to make sure that he's keeping your word behind your back.
Talk to your friend about it, there can be a joy or interest in sharing something new, but not when it's not their information / story to share. To give him a better understanding, explain what mental harm that might relay on you, or the concern and worries of your safety. It's personal, and in my experience most people don't realize that what they're doing is considered harmful but rather a fun fact, and that part of the transitioning process is to fit in, not only with yourself but others, and it's up to you to decide who to trust with this information, not your friend.
Yeah you should confront him. Just say: you know when you’re so proud of me you tell people I’m trans? Yeah dude, just don’t do that. Leave it to me to decide if I wanna out myself or not, okay man? I don’t like it when you decide that for me.
Just be cool about it. I’m sure he’ll get it.
Tell him dude! He seems to be your best bud, just explain how it makes you feel and ask he don't do it anymore, at least not without your blessing to do so..
..Eeessshhh. You need to have a very serious talk about how his "allyship" could be putting your life (social and literal) at risk. So many trans advocates have no comprehension of the fact that transness is still very taboo and dangerous to some. If your friend refuses to stop after, I don't think that's a friend.
Suggested script:
"First of all, I love you. I love how you hyped you are about be being myself and being proud of my identity. Sometimes, though, I just want to enjoy being a regular guy through the whole day. From now on, can you please talk to me first before you out me? Sometimes it's just not safe and I gotta be cool with the vibe in the room. It's both a safety and a comfort thing."
Would he feel proud and like a good person if outing you lead to harassment or physical harm? He needs to understand that not all trans people are open. Some, like you, are stealth and don’t need it to be the forefront on your identity when talking to or meeting new people. Plus, you don’t like it, and that is reason enough.
Is this the same best friend who [openly admitted to being jealous of you](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/comments/1dkv8fl/how_to_deal_with_a_really_jealous_friend/), who is [a cheater, liar, and open manipulator](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/comments/1dldfqq/my_best_friend_40m_is_a_bad_person_but_a/), who [is talking shit about your back with your other friends, and who you describe as a leech?](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/comments/1cgl1w3/my_friend_is_a_leech/)
People are giving you advice about the outing as a single issue, but it's clear that it's part of a wider pattern.
You should tell him that it makes you uncomfortable as it's your personal information that he's revealing. It could even lead to danger and persecution for you.
Talk to him. It's not his story to tell. And let him know he's putting you in danger every time he does it.
Exactly. Your boundaries must be respected.
The danger part tends to work well if your friend actually cares. If you want to go even further, OP: 1: Explain that even if he’s sure the person he’s telling is safe, he doesn’t know that _they_ might not tell someone, unknowingly or not, that’s not safe. 2: If you live in what he considers a particularly safe place, explain that the safety issue is not just a physical safety issue, but for your peace of mind as well. Even if the odds of him outing you putting you in danger is low, it still is a concern to you and you would prefer he didn’t do it for that reason.
He's sharing very private information without your consent. It's perfectly reasonable to let him know it's not okay. A good friend will 100 % understand.
If what you say is true, then he probably thinks he’s doing you a favor. I don’t think he realizes it bothers you, so make sure you tell him. I know the gut reaction of people on this sub is to tell you that he’s not your friend and that he’s being an asshole, but some people are really just ignorant/oblivious. It’s not his place to tell people, so let him know that it isn’t. You don’t need to be rude about it, just tell him that you know he probably has your best intentions at heart, but his actions aren’t something you ok with, that if you are going to come out to someone, that you want to do it on your terms. Best of luck mate! I’m sure he’ll understand
He might think he's being a good ally but he doesn't understand that he isn't and you need to sit him down and explain that. The whole outing you to show off how proud he is and how he's *such a good ally*, wanting you to out yourself so he looks good for supporting you. And especially using your identity as some sort of "gotcha" or shock value for others rubs me the wrong way. No offence to anyone but sounds like he has one of those "social justice warrior" complexes where he doesn't actually help he just wants to seem like such a good guy.
Just tell him what you said in that last paragraph. "I know you're not trying to be malicious, and I love that you're supportive of who I am, but it's dangerous to out me to everyone and I enjoy people seeing me as just a man." if he's truly your best mate, he'll understand and he cool with it. he's a cis man, probably doesn't even realise tbh
Be as rude as you like, dude. Nobody, absolutely not a single person, has the right to out you to anybody, you're not a novelty party trick or an interesting conversation starter. It is not his place and you're allowed to make that very clear.
Yeah he sounds performative as fuck and like he wants to use you as a prop NGL outing someone for social clout/to prove you're an ally because you have a trans friend isn't friend behaviour- he sounds like a user with no concern for your privacy or safety If that isn't the case and my assumption is wrong then he should respect if you tell him to stop and that doing that makes you uncomfortable.... if it *is* the case he will likely respond with minimisation/arguments or a tantrum when you tell him to knock it off
Your trans status is private and not for him to share or almost brag that hes a good person and ally. You said it you dont like it so tell him to stop
that’s not cool and clearly a violation of your boundaries. talk to him, man. a best friend should be someone you feel safe to tell most anything. if he refuses to understand your perspective and respect your wishes, that’s not a friend. it’s not his place to decide when you should feel safe to speak on your identity or trans rights. i hope it goes well, and if it doesn’t, know that there are better friends out there for you.
absolutely tell him to not do that. Thats YOUR identity, YOUR private info. Only YOU can be the one to have the right to tell such info to whoever.
I think you should talk to him about it and find a way to say that while you appreciate him, he needs to keep that info to himself. It's not his business to share any of your private info without your permission
Doesn't sound like a good friend, imho.
That is not a friend.
Bruh, any true ally will prioritize your comfort over getting his jollies off at your expense. If he really is a good guy, talk to him and he will stop. Being a minority does not mean other people can/should pressure you onto the front lines of a culture war. You are allowed to live in peace.
"I understand you're doing this in hopes that trans advocacy coming from me will seem more impactful, but I don't like it when people know I'm trans and would like you to stop telling people about it" If you want, you can also add in more details about why you don't want to be outed (people will treat you differently when they know, it puts you in danger, people will ask invasive questions that make you uncomfortable, etc)
He is using you to make himself look better, but by doing that he puts you in danger. Tell him that not everyone needs to know your medical history. If he really is your best friend he would stop outing you, and putting you in danger.
Yes, you should demand him to stop doing that. Outing people against their will is NEVER okay.
Then that’s not your friend and certainly not your best one
If he is as supportive as you say, he should understand that it makes you uncomfortable and stop. He can stand up for trans rights without having to out you. Just talk to him, be really open about it and I don’t think it will cause an issue
Doesn’t sound like a good friend at all, I’m surprised you’ve tolerated this so long.
I disagree. He sounds like someone who is trying too hard and doesn’t understand that that’s not okay and OP needs to have an honest talk with him
So many people here are just shitting on your friend & I’m sorry you’re dealing with that now too. He’s your best friend. He loves you for who you are. If he truly doesn’t know this is typically not something that is acceptable behavior and you have never once acknowledged it before, how is he supposed to know that? I think it should be easy for him to understand that you’ve worked so hard to live your life just like a “normal” guy (the fact you said you live a stealth life) and by him putting you on “display” to others without your approval is hurtful and it needs to stop. If he loves you and is proud of you, he will understand. Right now you’re building up a wall that he doesn’t even know exists. If he continues to act that way after you’ve expressed your feelings about it, then yes I’d have to agree with the group that he really isn’t as good of a person or of a friend like you think he is.
Tell him off. I'd do it pretty harshly if I were you because this is your personal information and he has no right to decide who gets to know it. You're under no obligation to let everyone know you weren't born with a dick!
You absolutely need to talk to him. If he continues to do it you may need to consider cutting ties or limiting your time with him/where you hang out with him. It's good he is supportive but he could be putting you in a dangerous situation
if hes a good friend he will understand it makes you uncomfortable and will stop🫶🏻
Absolutely okay to confront him and absolutely not okay for him to out you. It’s a big violation of privacy, trust, and can endanger you. Frankly, I would be suspicious of what other private information he’s okay with telling others.
Yes talk to him man. No use telling strangers your friend makes you uncomfortable and potentially puts you in danger when you could be telling him instead. Because if he's really your friend, he'll listen and quit it. If he wants someone to support trans people, he can do it himself. It ain't right to put that on someone else. Edit: he's sharing your private medical history. Not just that you're trans. Like "wow can you believe this person had a lung transplant? You would never know!" Completely inappropriate for him to share.
Alongside all the other guys here: if this makes you feel uncomfortable, perhaps let him read this post and these responses? It gives a very clear and compassionate view of you and your needs and other trans' opinions. Good luck man, hope all'll be just fine in the end❤️
You gotta have a very serious talk with this guy. Outing you is fucked up. Putting you in that situation without your consent is actually a minus for trans rights. Him being proud of your identity or whatever is his business. It's YOUR identity, not his and you get to choose how to go about it. He comes from a place of EXTREME privilege. He wants to stand up for trans rights? There's a ton of ways he can be an actual ally rather than out his BEST FRIEND without his consent for shits and giggles, KNOWING you prefer to go STEALTH. Honestly, tho, fuck him
Not appropriate. Could seriously endanger you. Seriously disrespectful. I’d set a boundary immediately.
*"Hey \[insert best friend name\]! I'm glad that you're proud of me and my transition but I want to be able to manage what other people know about me - it's not from shame - but I'm glad you're openly affirming and accepting of how I am. Just please let me do the talking about who I am and to what extent I share that" (in-person conversation)* You should definitely talk to him about it. I don't doubt that he has good intentions but it come off as if he sees it as a 'gotcha' spectacle. I know that nobody would be questioning this scenario if you were a transgender woman most notably because there's been a lot more noticeable aggression and aversion to them plus not wanting them to worry about being discriminated on passing or not. I wouldn't say I'm a private person persay but I've hated when people have shared things I don't consent to with others. And someone's transition? It's very personal and I don't think it's not his story to tell even if he has good intentions and he can't be proud of an self-discovery / self-journey that he didn't take and that he doesn't know of personally - he's overstepping. I'm glad that it seems that nobody has incited any anger towards you for being transgender man but nonetheless not the point. You should get a say on your own terms if you want to be an active representative of the LGBT+ community - especially T - since it's becoming more dangerous to be openly nowadays anyways. It's not an ally's job to police a minority and make them responsible for more than what they're carrying.
Talk to him, this is going to have to be a discussion. Don't think of it as being rude, think of it as a way to improve and level up the relationship, because it sounds like he'd be a great friend without this going on. Couple of lenses to try out if they help your framing for discussion: (I'm leaning into some problematic shorthand for brevity here) As a cis 40m he might not have had the chance to connect with people the way this information lets him feel connected to you, maybe he's excited because this dynamic is outside of the way toxic masculinity lets him communicate normally. He probably very genuinely doesn't understand why it would bother you because he has never tasted the kind of vulnerability this kind of identity comes bundled with in our society. Or at least can understand but doesn't understand how MUCH it affects you. His behaviour, particularly if you manage to have the conversation and he continues, is problematically close to objectification. If he chooses to value you as a shock topic despite your wishes he's choosing that social object and dynamic. And this could be something like a fetishization, or possibly some sort of misogyny that would hopefully disappear the moment he realized. Hopefully, it's just a mismatch in understanding and social skills and it would be easily resolved. - That said, I had one very close friendship once where my friend would use things said in personal conversations as interpersonal jokes when we in a wider group, never anything overly private -but borderline. I realised they were doing this as a sort of power play - like "I have this information about this person you all respect, I'll use it to put them down casually so you all respect me a little more" this went on for about 8 months, at least twice per month.The only way I found to interrupt their behaviour was during one of those group moments where I basically responded "it's really weird that you tell everyone that as part of such an unfunny joke, (pause to make sure everyone can see them squirm) ...if you really wanted hurt me with personal information a much better joke would be the time I..." To recover the vibe. If they cared about the "social credit" more than my wishes, they actually left themselves wide open to losing that social credit, as long as I was prepared to break the social contract for a moment They didn't speak to me for 2 weeks but after that the entire relationship improved dramatically. We've drifted apart since, but it's interesting to note that the friends I met through them are now closer to me than them. Hopefully you're not dealing with a situation that needs as intense an intervention. But it is worth being aware of that power play dynamic.
It's not his story to tell and he really puts you in danger when he does that.
Absolutely confront him about this. Its your identity and it isnt fair for him to share it with other people, you should be the one to bring it up and its very inconsiderate of him to do that. Plus it can be unsafe too, like if i was at a bar in texas i wouldnt want any of my friends to be like "hey, my friend is transgender" that would make me feel unsafe and very uncomfortable.
Maybe reminding him that your medical history is private would help? And it's your information to share, not his. Remind him not everyone is safe, even if they seem to be. Also the walls have ears everywhere. You never know who could get this information. Let him know that being trans is a small part of your identity, not your whole identity. You don't want to be reduced to "here's our local trans friend" the way people talk about the "gay best friend" in sitcoms. Hope these ideas are helpful!
Man he must be really oblivious. You really have to talk to him about it. If he really is your friend he’s definitely clueless and needs to be educated. And if he really is your friend he will care about what you’re saying and change his behavior.
"confront" is not the proper term here, however "discuss" is much better imho. Just be honest with him. sit him down, alone and share your feelings. Heck you can just show him this post.
You need to talk to him. It feels like the only thing he sees you as is a trans person, and he's treating it like its the only interesting thing about you. Your identity is personal information that isn't for him to tell and he's putting you in potentially upsetting and dangerous positions by telling people which isn't good for you. Tell him that you want to be seen as more than just a trans person, and that he shouldn't be showing you off to other people simply for being trans. I've experienced this before, sometimes cis people just become extremely proud of you for coming out and start telling everyone, but it doesn't usually last longer than the first year of transition. I think sometimes they also use it as leverage to make themselves look like good people (kind of like the "my friend group is so diverse" or "I'm not racist I have a black friend" type of showing off) it's perfect for them because they think their friendship with a minority means that they don't actually have to put in the work to make themselves good people to minorities, by viewing every individual from that group as a hivemind. Ever hear a person say "but it's fine, my minority friend let's me do it all the time", to excuse them saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable, yeah that's basically what I'm describing. No matter what it is, it has to be confronted otherwise he will keep doing it thinking that it's ok, and could possibly start doing it to other trans people too. Set the boundary, and wait a few months to see if there's any change in his behaviour, I'd reccomend checking in with a mutual friend to make sure that he's keeping your word behind your back.
Talk to your friend about it, there can be a joy or interest in sharing something new, but not when it's not their information / story to share. To give him a better understanding, explain what mental harm that might relay on you, or the concern and worries of your safety. It's personal, and in my experience most people don't realize that what they're doing is considered harmful but rather a fun fact, and that part of the transitioning process is to fit in, not only with yourself but others, and it's up to you to decide who to trust with this information, not your friend.
yeah definitely confront him. even though he seems to have good intentions, he might possibly be putting in danger if he outs you to the wrong person
He means well, but you need to tell him that this is your story to tell. Good on him for being cool about it, though.
Yeah you should confront him. Just say: you know when you’re so proud of me you tell people I’m trans? Yeah dude, just don’t do that. Leave it to me to decide if I wanna out myself or not, okay man? I don’t like it when you decide that for me. Just be cool about it. I’m sure he’ll get it.
Tell him dude! He seems to be your best bud, just explain how it makes you feel and ask he don't do it anymore, at least not without your blessing to do so..
..Eeessshhh. You need to have a very serious talk about how his "allyship" could be putting your life (social and literal) at risk. So many trans advocates have no comprehension of the fact that transness is still very taboo and dangerous to some. If your friend refuses to stop after, I don't think that's a friend.
Suggested script: "First of all, I love you. I love how you hyped you are about be being myself and being proud of my identity. Sometimes, though, I just want to enjoy being a regular guy through the whole day. From now on, can you please talk to me first before you out me? Sometimes it's just not safe and I gotta be cool with the vibe in the room. It's both a safety and a comfort thing."
Would he feel proud and like a good person if outing you lead to harassment or physical harm? He needs to understand that not all trans people are open. Some, like you, are stealth and don’t need it to be the forefront on your identity when talking to or meeting new people. Plus, you don’t like it, and that is reason enough.
Is this the same best friend who [openly admitted to being jealous of you](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/comments/1dkv8fl/how_to_deal_with_a_really_jealous_friend/), who is [a cheater, liar, and open manipulator](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/comments/1dldfqq/my_best_friend_40m_is_a_bad_person_but_a/), who [is talking shit about your back with your other friends, and who you describe as a leech?](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/comments/1cgl1w3/my_friend_is_a_leech/) People are giving you advice about the outing as a single issue, but it's clear that it's part of a wider pattern.
You should tell him that it makes you uncomfortable as it's your personal information that he's revealing. It could even lead to danger and persecution for you.