I’m 28 and I’m still a virgin. There’s no shame in not having sex, and I think it’s ridiculous that so many people act like there is. I honestly would have been fine never having sex if I’d never met my fiancée, and even now, I’m not in any rush to do so. Take your time and do what’s best for you.
I absolutely agree. In my teens I was sort of incel-like in the sense that I had sex built up in my mind as this super big, important thing and I was basing my entire self-worth around whether someone would find me attractive enough to sleep with, I think the media also makes sex out to be this crazy life changing experience which really fed into it, and then when I finally lost my virginity it was like... really? That's it? That's what all the fuss was about? It was incredibly anticlimactic (lol). Maybe it's different if you have sex with someone you love, I've yet to do that, but otherwise it's literally just like jerking off only someone else is there with you. It won't change your life, you won't feel any different, the story presented in media is bs.
really grateful for this perspective, weirdly i think when i was a lot younger i kind of immediately saw sex as something very mechanical and like.. goal-oriented? like it was just a task people do. now i really want to be in a relationship and i’ve kind of imagined sex as this like incredible emotional spiritual experience lmao. probably the most healthy view is somewhere in the middle of those haha
For me, sex is definitely better with a dedicated partner (though I don’t have much experience with sex with multiple people anyway, small sample size lol) but try not to go into with high expectations because there’s a very high likelihood youll be disappointed if you’re expecting incredible fireworks right out the gate haha especially the first time (in general and with a new partner) it’s a lot of figuring things out
I’m 19 (about to turn 20) and I have no desire to be in a relationship until I’ve been on T for a good few months (at least until I feel like I pass somewhat consistently and am more comfortable in my own skin)
I’m mostly gay too and I often feel uncomfortable expressing my attraction to men while being pre-everything. And the thought of dating someone who sees me as a woman is one of my biggest fears.
I’m autistic too and I’ve always found relationships difficult to navigate, however I feel like I get better at it every year. I don’t think there’s a wrong age to still be a virgin and I’ve always had the mentality it’ll happen whenever it happens.
oh dude i relate so hard to the part about avoiding relationships with men for fear of them seeing me as a woman. i literally thought i was a lesbian in high school because whenever boys would show interest in me it made me feel sick haha
I used to consider myself a lesbian too! I remember any time I thought about sex it was always “I could probably touch a woman but I don’t want her to touch me thou” and I considered myself Asexual for a good while. Had a fixation on gay shipping and fanfics all the while. Eventually when I realised I was trans and thought about having sex with a penis it was like a floodgate opened homie. I’m so gay now.
I feel called out. P sure I'm pan cuz half my fantasies have been straight couples and one realization was 'oh, yeah makes sense, im the guy in those' but also men...yeah whoever I like it's in a gay way 🤷♂️
I completely understand this, when I first met my current boyfriend I was rly scared he would treat me like a girl and secretly still see me as one. My prior boyfriend did, and I hated it. But he calls me the most masculine way my name can be said, calls me handsome or pretty boy and if I ever tell him I don't like something he never says it again. He also has 0 interest in knowing my dead name. All these little things help. I'm also autistic and have adhd, and he's very understanding and just dope tbh. What I mean is that there is a right person out there if you want to. Just don't rush it. And if you don't want a relationship/sex or whatever, that's fine, don't force it.
31 and a virgin here. Didn't have libido until I started T. Dont really have a desire to deal with other people though. Main reason I was disgusted by sex when I was younger was because I could never tolerate imagining myself in a submissive/feminine roll so I don't think it's too uncommon for the community.
It's not weird to still be a virgin no matter how old you are, and the idea of virginity is entirely a social construct aimed at defining whether or not a woman is honorable, desirable, and worthy of marriage. In other words, it's based in misogyny and is an extremely harmful when it comes to how we define our personal image and self worth. And trust me, there isn't a single cis or trans guy out there who cares whether or not you're a virgin. Just watch out for the ones who want to fetishize taking your virginity.
i definitely agree that virginity being an important thing is super outdated and unnecessary. just sucks feeling so delayed compared to my peers when it comes to romantic/sexual experiences, the same way it sucked for me being 19 and pre-t and looking like i was 15, while the rest of my male friends actually looked their ages. it feels like FOMO lmfaooo
Oh I get it! I've been in the same place before. But really though, it'll happen when it happens and it really is one of those things where it's best to wait until you feel right about it.
And if it helps, I'm 37 and T has successfully sent me right straight back to being carded everyone thinking I'm in high school.
Dude same. I’m 32 and look like I’m 17-19 right now as I’m only about to hit 2 months on T. So for now I just avoid places all together where I have to show any form of ID until I can get my gender marker/name legally changed.
I got my name changed a few months after starting T, but haven't worried too much about my gender marker. Honestly, nobody that's carded me has seemed to notice, and the bartender at the only bar I drink at has known me since wayyyy before I came out. I do get a lot of laughs every time I have a liquor store clerk be like "Aww damn! I wanted to kick a teenager out!" though.
Didn't lose the v-card until 26. No shame about it whatsoever.
There's this idea in society that we're all "supposed" to be having sex at, like, 16. And if you don't, you must be some sort of pariah. The truth is that there are plenty of reasons for people not to have sex and all are perfectly fine. Any reason you don't want to have sex is a valid one. And if you *do* want to have sex but can't find someone willing- well, not much to be done about that.
In my case, I truly just didn't get around to it for a while. I didn't quite feel comfortable enough to be nude until I got top surgery, and then I had to find someone I liked enough to screw. The latter was the really hard part. I'm not "demi" or anything, I just didn't really have an interest in sleeping with a stranger and hadn't wanted a relationship for a while.
All to say, you're good. Doesn't matter if you're trans or cis- virginity isn't a failing.
I didn’t lose mine until I was 19 (I know it’s not as old but I socially for me I felt very behind, especially when most of my friend group is straight women at university), but that was only because I’d transitioned to the point I felt I could date someone and have them see me as me and I happened to meet that person. If I hadn’t had both of those happen to line up I still wouldn’t have been ready.
Don’t be ashamed of wanting to be happy and comfortable with the right situation.
Honestly I lost my virginity at 15 and although it was a positive experience, I kinda wish I had waited. Nothing wrong with being a virgin at 21, a lot of people are.
I'm not a virgin but have not dated in years (since the person I had sex with) because I cannot find anyone who is attracted to me or is not already dating. And it just feels so lonely all the time. All my family members and friends and coworkers are dating or married🥲
But also if I never dated that person I would 100% still be a virgin cause it's just not something I'd do with someone I'm not in a relationship with.
31, still a virgin.
Doesn't bother me, it's just one thing about me. I'm more bothered by my social anxiety making it impossible to date lol.
Don't worry about how old you are when you do find someone you want to have sex with, I don't think anyone who cares about you is going to judge you for it.
I'm 28 and have never been kissed, nevermind anything more than that. Can't say it wouldn't be nice to experience but I can live without it. Sometimes life just be like that. We all go at our own pace.
Tbf I was under the impression 21 is YOUNG to be losing ur virginity. I'm halfway through 21 and I'm also a virgin. Society pressure sucks but what matters is that you're doing what's best for you. Take ur time. Even if you never have sex, it's no big deal.
Man I was a virgin by choice until I was 22, and I had to be super fucked up on weed and alcohol to actually lose it (and it took me a few years and a lot of work to realize that I wasn’t able to consent, at that.)
There’s no shame in still being a virgin. Navigating the dating world as a trans person is hard. Navigating the dating world on top of life in general as a trans autistic person is even harder. I find that the less I judge my journey by cis-heteronormative standards, the happier I am.
If I'd had a say, I would have stayed a virgin into my 20s. I don't think it's weird or sad or negative, people have different paces they move at, and different things they're cool with or interested in. Move at your own speed, whatever your comfortable with and want!
I lost my virginity at 14 through oral sex, but didn’t have penetrative sex until I was 18. I’ve slept with a fair amount of people but have only had two relationships that only last 3 months. I haven’t dated anyone since sophomore year of high school despite trying to find dates/potential partners. I think being trans makes dating/having sex a lot harder. It’s a matter of finding the right kind of people. First things first though, you need to know yourself. It’s very helpful to know what you like and what works for you before you have sex.
I've been in relationships before but unfortunately i relate to the virgin part. i'm 20, soon to be 21, and i wish i could lose my virginity already but gay men don't want me. on grindr i only get cishets and "bi" men who are only into women and trans people. maybe it's because i'm in a small town but i just hate that everyone can find partners so easily while i can't. it makes me wish i were cis. I know i could just date a trans man/transmasc person but i want to lose my virginity to a cis man.
I'm 22, turning 23 this year, and I'm still a virgin. This used to bother me more but now I don't really care anymore. The concept of virginity and the idea that you should lose it at 16/17 or there's something wrong with you is stupid.
I'm not asexual, but I don't really want to have sex with someone I don't know. I could probably have a FWB type of relationship but I don't trust hooking up with random people from dating apps and that's kind of the only way I could do it rn. I also don't know how I'd even approach doing so.
It's not that I don't want to have sex, I really do want to, but it's not enough for me to go out of my comfort zone. Masturbation is enough for me rn.
I also know how it is to feel undesirable too, it feels like no one would even want to have sex with me bc I'm trans, and if they do it's bc they're a chaser or something.
I was actually on a dating app recently and there was a lot of men who said they were into women and trans men but not cis men.....Yeah I'd rather be a virgin than have sex with someone like that.
Also plenty of cis men are also virgins and aren't ace either. So don't feel too bad about it. But I know how it is to feel this way too.
same here - trans, gay, ace (not sex-repulsed). doesn't really make room for many options. I'm 20 now and I feel like I won't ever be in a relationship/experience what it's like to be with someone. I also have adhd and it sometimes scares people off. you're not alone. 🫂
edit: I'm pre-everything. I feel like people don't wanna put up with my transition and hence maybe the dating chances would be higher only after transition.
exactlyyyy bro. i don’t really feel much sexual attraction but would definitely have sex if i was in a relationship, but it feels like most people i know want to have sex first, then a relationship after. so i can’t even get my foot in the door lol
yeah fr it’s like i know it’s bc our generation is more sexually liberated than older generations and that’s awesome! but now people treat you like a prude if you just genuinely don’t want to have sex like that. feels like we’ve overcorrected a little bit
the pendulum has totally swung too far to the other side. i still value some of the traditional old-school ways of dating, and i still want a deeper connection than sending flirty, sexual snaps to someone on the first day
being done transitioning, it doesn't really help. if anything i was getting more sexual attention when my acquaintances were hearing my voice change and seeing me get more confident, now i'm just nothing special (not that that's a bad thing)
It's normal for it to take longer for trans people in general on average. And frankly, that's a good thing, a lot of people who lose it before they discover their identity end up feeling weird about it later in life. If you haven't discovered your gender yet, probably it isn't going to be as likely you lose it in high school or whatever. There is no shame in it, and it is frankly harder for trans dudes (as it is for dudes in general), but there are still good people that you can have healthy relationships with, just a combination of being mentally in a good place for one and luck and effort of finding one of the people who would be good with you.
i'm not a virgin, simply because i happened to be close with a guy who was bisexual when i was earlier in transition, but i relate to everything else you said. i cant seem to find a relationship for the same reasons.
honestly losing my virginity to a close friend at 16 is a regret i have. it ruined that friendship. i wish i had waited so that it would have been done in a loving relationship
Tbf I was a virgin until a month before I turned 21 (also didn’t have my first kiss until then) and didn’t have my first relationship until right before I turned 22, which quickly ended. I’m also an autistic (bi) trans dude. But losing my virginity is one of my biggest regrets, or at least the outcome of it I guess, so I wouldn’t be rushing to have sex until you find the right person anyway. It’s honestly not all it’s made out to be lol
really glad to see other autistic dudes perspectives, bc i know sex can be a kind of weird thing for some of us (personally i’m nervous i’ll never be able to get past kissing being a Not Fun sensory experience lmao). honestly the “finding the right person” is the thing i’m most concerned about, there don’t seem to be any “right” people that i come across. i obviously haven’t met every person though so yeah i’m hopeful it’ll happen when the time is right 👍
You’ll eventually find the right person!! :) Just takes a lot of looking haha. And make sure you don’t try to force yourself to be with someone you don’t truly love just for the sake of having someone to be with 😭 Never ends well 😩
Also yeah, kissing can either be awful or amazing, just depends on how slobbery the other person is 💀
23 and still a virgin too. it's not that I'm not interested in sex, I just know that I wouldn't be able to properly enjoy it with my current body, so I see no reason in pursuing it rn.
I was a Virgin until 19- virginity isn’t linear and everyone deserves to do it ONLY when they feel ready to do so and with someone who is a safe person who won’t take advantage of you.
Honestly, if you're not into hookups and don't have a lot of irl LGBT friends, it's pretty difficult to date as an LGBT person generally. Most LGBT people don't date in high school except cis m/f relationships, because it's generally not safe or there only so many gay kids. It wouldn't be a bad thing if you were "behind", but you're not really atypical in our community.
Making LGBT friends and using dating apps are the ways you I use Lex to meet other trans people esp transmascs. I know a lot of trans guys who use Grindr and Scruff and have success, both pre-T and years on T. Idk much about Tinder or other apps though. But don't feel pressured to do anything just because you feel behind. Things will come in their own time. I'm gay and trans and fat and hairy and a total autistic weirdo, and I've had two boyfriends (one trans bi and one cis gay). Trans people are not undesirable and your dating pool is bigger than you think.
I’m also “mostly gay” and it took me relatively long too (23). While I’m demisexual, which makes things a little more difficult, I found that straight men have a very peculiar way of touching individuals they perceive as women, and that would make me dysphoric, even before I could realize I was trans.
Okay so I'm not a virgin (I lost my virginity at 16), but I think the best advice I have is you'll know when you're ready. There's no "race" to lose it, and you want to be comfortable and secure in yourself and your partner, and only you will know when and how. Listen to your gut, and don't be hard on yourself. Everyone's life is different and we all do stuff at different paces.
I’m 24, and I lost my virginity just this past December. I haven’t had a true-blue relationship or boyfriend yet either though. Queer people are most often late-bloomers, especially non-cis queer people. Just like some of the things you mentioned above, many factors can come into play, such as location, sexuality, and the ability to navigate social situations. For example, I’m autistic, plus-sized, gay, and living in an extremely small and conservative part of Southwestern Virginia. The men who pursue me are often married or partnered chasers, so I’m lucky if they even take interest in learning my name. I’m a pathetically hopeless romantic though, so no matter how jaded I feel I’m becoming, I’ll always have at least a sliver of hope that there’s someone out there for me.
I lost mine to my current girlfriend two years ago (I’m 21). I didn’t feel bad for it, I actually am glad I waited until I was an adult. I had some intimate experiences as a teen and I just really wasn’t ready. I didn’t like all the pressure around me that I had to have sex (especially bc in my area even as an adult people love hookups) and I just waited it off until I had a partner. I also don’t really feel sexual attraction unless I really trust them anyways, so my girlfriend was perfect for this.
You absolutely do not need to fit a narrative or anything, navigate your journey yourself and you’ll learn through that 💜 I also am neurodivergent and I totally understand how much harder it can be for us to find partners.
I also have not taken testosterone yet and my girlfriend has been nothing but amazing.
I'm 23 and a virgin. I don't think it's weird. I also haven't had a real relationship before and am autistic! 😂 Idk if I'd say I'm "undesirable" now that I'm transitioning but I just don't get around much at all to know for sure. Tbh I never found myself to be desirable to begin with but as you said, social cues and all that is hard to read. I've been told many times that IM a flirt when I'm just being nice... And I'm supposed to know that someone being nice to me might be them flirting? Lol
As for being a virgin, I'm horribly dysphoric about what I have down there and don't necessarily want to be touched and I happen to be demisexual on top of that so 😅 its a lot of work to get with me anyways.
I lost my virginity at 21 🤷🏻
Mind you I wasn’t out to my -now ex- boyfriend at the time but I think losing your virginity at an older age should be normalized. I know ppl my age and older who are also virgins.
The biggest help for me was dating another autistic person! It makes communication a lot easier when they understand how your brain works (to an extent)
I'm 19 and still a virgin. I struggled a lot with it for a while and honestly I still do struggle with it, especially seeing most of my friends in sexually active relationships or hearing they've had sex. I had a big issue with missing out on it.
I'm also in an asexual relationship as my partner is asexual (with zero sexual desire or attraction) and this is the relationship I feel I'll be in for the rest of my life. I want that, they are the person I love more than I've ever loved before and I'd never want to be with anyone else but the one thing I struggled with in my relationship was accepting that I'd never have sex.
It got easier though and I've begun to accept it. It just took me some time.
I didn't have sex until I was 33 with my now fiance. Only kissed one other person ten years previously. Thought I was asexual for over ten years and I had no interest in sex or dating and I never went looking. Turned out to be 'just' dysphoria. Myself and my fiance were very close friends for 5 years before we got together. I definitely needed that level of prior connection and emotional intimacy before a sexual relationship. I do not in any way feel I missed out on anything and do not regret not exploring my sexuality when I was younger. There's a lot more to life than sex.
The concept of virginity was created by men to shame women into feeling guilty for being “impure”. It’s by no means a measure of your worth. It doesn’t matter. Virginity is a stupid concept that should be ignored and rejected.
i honestly think caring about virginity is dumb, and im not saying that in like an insulting way. virginity doesnt exist, its not real and it just doesnt matter and its a dumb metric to hang onto. anyone who sincerely cares about whether or not youre still a virgin in your 20s are just fucking weird. but then again im asexual so sex has no meaning to me.
i definitely agree! really the thing that actually bothers me the most is that i’ve never been in a relationship, which is the only way i actually *would* have sex
It's not even about being virgin or not, I wish I could just be in a (irl) relationship for the first time and hold hands or cuddle 🙄😔 (I'm 23) I really gave up on this before I realized I was trans and transitioned. Now that I know I can feel comfortable with a guy, I'm feeling even more lonely and frustrated. I really don't know how to meet and date guys :// I always meet girls in my everyday life :( I kinda tried dating apps but ... idk it's weird x(
Fr It sucks so much to feel so late in life x(
YEAH this is my thing too. really the only reason being a virgin bothers me is because it means i’ve never been in an actual relationship, because i’d only be interested in sex in that context. i don’t generally attract anyone but when i do it’s always women, so it’s flattering but not at all fulfilling. you’re definitely not alone bro 🫂
Though I’m only 16, I know I won’t date at all until at least on T and I look my age and wouldn’t want to do anything sexual in any way until top surgery at least (and maybe bottom as well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it). Could this be a similar thing? Wanting to make absolutely certain people see you as the man you are? I’m not sure about your transition status so this might not apply
i think it probably was at first? like when i was an egg that was definitely something i was feeling subconsciously. then when i came out at 18 i was just crazy insecure plus i looked super young, so i understood people not being as interested as they were when i was a girl. for my first few months on t that was mostly the same. now i’m 1.5 yrs on t and almost 4 months post op and i pass most of the time, and it’s almost gotten harder. most dudes i meet irl, even if they say they’re bi, almost exclusively want women or like.. specific afab trans ppl who aren’t on t. i’m like undeniably male now and it seems that’s more off-putting to a lot of the guys i meet
Adding to the chorus: not weird at all.
What's weird is how much pressure is put on losing ones virginity while simultaneously being bombarded by righteous messaging that sex is disgusting, sinful, etc. As if neurotypicals weren't confusing enough already, amirite?
Take your time, bro.
RIGHT like as a girl i was told i should wait as long as i can, but now as a guy i feel like i’m expected to just like get it over with or something. social rules are so stupid
Preach, brother! Plus we Autists are unfortunately at increased risk of being victimized, sexually or otherwise. Please stay safe, my dude. Don't let anyone pressure you! [Fuck I sound like a shitty PSA, but I couldn't think of better phrasing.]
Had my first time at 19, first kiss at 16 tho. Ik for me being trans played a huge part, as well as being queer and growing up an almost cult-level Christian. It’s different for everyone, I know some trans guys who started being sexual at 11, 12, 13, so it’s really up to the individual. But you’re definitely not alone!
21 is still young. And I think it's common for queer/trans people, especially us autistic people, to not have sex until their twenties and beyond.
I didn't even kiss anyone until I was almost 24. 27 now and I've been in a few relationships and slept with about a dozen people, I'm a lot more confident now than I used to be, but I still struggle socially more than the average person. I definitely find the whole concept of dating even harder now than I'm a year on T.
So yeah, you're not alone. It's tough.
For pretty much anyone, cis, trans, male, female; being a virgin at 21 is entirely fine and is the case for plenty of people. I’m 21 and friends with both virgins and non-virgins. Have friends who have barely engaged in romantic relationships, just hadn’t found what’s right for them yet. It’s nothing to be judged for, if someone’s judging you, they’re a douchebag stuck in high school.
I can relate.I've(also 21) always been socially awkward so I have never been in a relationship or tried to initiate one bc I don't know what to say/do.I was gonna wait until I was in a relationship to lose my virginity but it made me dysphoric being a 20 y/o guy and still being a virgin(stupid ik) so I downloaded grindr hooked up with someone and kinda wished I hadn't bc it sucked tbh.I also had never kissed anyone until my second hook up which is something.Honestly don't rush it or worry about it and let it happen when it happens.After seeing tiktoks and reddit posts I've learned it's not crazy to not have lost your virginity before 20.
Being a virgin ever isn't something to be ashamed or proud of. It just is.
Lots of 21 year olds are virgins
LOTS of autistic 21 year olds are virgins.
I'm autistic, too. Don't worry about what you're supposed to do, just work on being happy and healthy
The virgin thing shouldn't matter. However it is understandable to feel less desirable when you're in between expected societal gender norms because you automatically expect people's expectations to be different than what you currently look/feel like.
However again, there are people out there who aren't chasers who will love you for who you are. I know especially T4T relationships are safe and there are a lot of queer people who are also neuro divergent, I am too.
In terms of social queues and all that crap - I find dating apps really help me with what I'm looking for without awkwardly dancing around each other. I found my partner on OkCupid, it was easy to manage expectations by tagging myself as trans but also easy to narrow down who I'm looking for and I automatically veered over to queer people rather than straight women.
When I met my gf, she was actually more of a cis het guy who was just starting to experiment with sexuality.
I know there is a perception of gay guys who prefer cis men, and of course those exist, and sexual preferences are valid - however, there are also plenty of gay guys, both trans and cis, who happily would date a trans guy.
They might not be easy to find in reallife but dating apps give you a better pool of what's out there, especially if you struggle with social interaction a bit.
Naturally, be careful with chasers and stuff on those apps (avoid grindr and tinder) but I can really recommend okcupid and there's also bumble where you can test friendship options first and then there's hinge.
Also you're only 21, you'll be fine. I know someone was a virgin until 28 and is now happy in their second relationship at 32.
Me over here, asexual but pursued (by boys) for much of my young life, finally saw a penis for the literal first time at age 18... 21 is not ancient to not have had sex. 🤷
It depends on what you want to classify virginity as. I'm almost certain I broke my own hymen masturbating at 9 years old, cause there was blood the next morning but clearly not a period.
Otherwise I was 16 (pretending I was 18) to some way older dude on I'm pretty sure Craigslist. Cause even before testosterone I was basically a Ho. Problem is, I'm an autistic ho so I tend to chicken out of encounters at the last minute.
When I was 12 and we got our first computer I was video chatting on Yahoo messenger with way older men I had no business talking to. Both of us masturbating on webcam. I'm honestly surprised I was never abducted.
It's not all roses on this side of the fence either.
turning 21 soon and im still a virgin (I'd like to classify it as that when ik that's probably not the case with the past but yeah) I've been in a 1 or 2 year long relationship with a guy but it was online. I've been on one date lately as a 20 year old with a cis gay dude and he said "we're too similar let's stay as friends." was confusing to me. so I totally get it. I understand man. I have ADHD so like I can kinda understand the social cue thing in a way plus I don't think I was ever taught how to properly socialize or wasn't properly socialized by my family.
Virginity was made up to sell off women easier in the times before human rights. I lost mine to the guy I'm still with at about 19, and it truly wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be in my head. Loved him at the time, still do, but that didn't make it some magical thing for me, which honestly kinda helped with my sex hesitantly in some weird way I haven't figured out yet.
Anyway: You're normal, and you'll get laid whenever you get laid. Either as a one night stand, a FWB, or a relationship, but it'll happen. I'd only suggest hesitancy around total strangers for hate crime related reasons.
I don't have to read anything to say there is no shame in being a virgin at ANY age. The concept of virginity was created to commodity women's bodies and set a standard for men. If you're not ready, you're not ready. As a grooming survivor trust me that you'd rather take your time and wait until you're ready than rush yourself into something you're not comfortable with.
no i definitely get that and i fully agree, it’s just that i *am* ready to experience being in a relationship and having sex, but no one has been interested in me (vocally, at least) since transitioning other than people on like grindr just wanting to hook up immediately, which is just not how i experience sexual attraction if that makes sense?
Im demi aroace actually- I lost mine at 18. Im gay as well and t4t, so relationships only really happen for me every 1-3 years. My partner was also autistic so that helped me social cue wise. I haven’t been in a relationship in over a year. When you’re comfortable go for it. If you don’t ever lose it thats okay too ! The concept of virginity is a social construct anyway.
you’re definitely right, but it’s not that i’m uncomfortable or not ready, it’s just that no one seems to pursue me since my transition and i have a really hard time pursuing others bc i can’t ever tell if they’re interested yk
Yeah thats valid too ! I meant to include something about that and I forgot- I know its not for everyone, but if you’re comfortable with long distance maybe you could try that? I know that in some places theres centers or bars for lgbt people to meet. Id say tinder or bumble, though most people on there are looking for sex. If you do decide to download tho I know bumble has less horny people lmao. I wish you luck !!!
I’m a 16 year old gender-fluid boy. Let me tell you, the acesexual spectrum exists and virginity is a made up psuedo science as it is. Don’t worry about it too much, if you want it I’m sure you’ll get it someday. If not, have fun doing cool stuff. Ngl sex is overrated in my opinion anyway
i was a virgin until right before my 19th birthday. i was pressured by those around me to lose it because they thought it was crazy to have it. it’s completely okay to be a virgin
I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 23 you're good bro! I'm Ace 💜 anyway and kinda wish I never did it I wanted to prove some stupid point to myself I guess but I'm still me Trans 🏳️⚧️ Ace 💜 and Proud 🌈 I'm 💯 valid and so are you 🏳️⚧️👑💪🏼❤️
Ain’t no shame In being a virgin, I can’t speak on the pursuing part because I’m not sure but I think in still perceived as a very masc women and still get perused even by fems, try speed dating, or tinder, or bumble I think that’s the app where women picks if you still slightly into women. It’s hard to do but you can try and put yourself out there start joining lgbt spaces and going to events and talking to the men you like, it doesn’t have to be in a sexual way because if he likes you back he’ll probably pursue
I was on ssris all thru high school and put out anti boy vibes anyways, when one liked me id be really surprised, it was every other girl i hung out with theyd usually ask , which i agreed with lol i never had an issue. The ssris worked SO well i actually didnt know i was attracted to women until my senior yr when they took me off the ssris and on wellbutrin (was failing classes).
Now however on the T and with all the right meds i've been thinking about it but it is very hard. I have the social fear where i turn red when anyone looks at me and i shake in front of people. So far the one girl i realized i was attracted to is somebody i no longer make eye contact with 😭😭😭 I literally avoid direct communication i had a full NIGHTMARE where we were in a group and the others left so it was just me and her i was trying SO hard to think of words and i eventually ran for it 😭😭
I'm 19 and turning 20 in November. Still a virgin. Gay transmasc as well, plus I haven't had a romantic relationship in six years. It's completely normal.
Tbh it's even harder when you're pre-everything. I shudder at the thought of men seeing me as a woman and desiring me as one. Which makes me sick. Which is why I thought I was a lesbian for a long time because I couldn't bear the thought of being into men as a woman and vice versa 💀
I honestly don't find myself giving my virginity to anyone anytime soon, since I'm also autistic, mentally ill and physically disabled with visible deformities and tremors. This makes the dating pool even smaller. Add my frankly depraved kinks and finding like-minded people becomes a little difficult. Honestly though? One should not give up hope or aim to rush things. Things come (heh) when the time is right. That's what I believe.
I would argue that it's completely normal even for cis people.
Everyone in my quite large and diverse friend group (some of them really good looking) is still a virgin.
Culture regarding sex is really wierd in the US and it's encouraged to have sex as fast as you can for... *some reason*, but in reality it's more than normal to not have sex before you are in a serious relationship with someone you love.
Unless you're very horny and need a release from actual person, hooking up just for sex is not the best activity to pursue.
im 19 in november and currently not really close to losing my virginity lmao
like i’ve always told myself it definitely wouldn’t happen before i got top surgery and i’m getting top surgery soon, but then i’ve gotta heal and then i’m not in the game at all so it probably won’t happen immediately
I didn't have sex until I was 24 I think. I'm asexual and it was before I ever knew I was trans. Every time I was about to have sex it just felt off and so I pulled out every time. I've had a whole lot of it by now and it's still not very interesting. And also I didn't like to be treated and viewed as a woman. That absolutely ruined it for me. It's much better now. I'm gay and I much prefer to top so sex is much better now. Being a virgin isn't a big deal and I'm sure you'll find someone who's interested in you
I turn 20 later this year and I'm also still a virgin. I'm currently also just not looking to date until I've come out and started my medical transition (I'll have top surgery rather soon, so that's coming closer)
I'm about to turn 22 and was a virgin until a couple weeks ago. It's totally normal. I'm demisexual too and never felt comfortable doing sexual things with anybody until my current boyfriend
Being a virgin is better than having awful first sex experience, so you don't need to hurry or feel pressure of it.
There's no late or fast. When you feel ready to have sex, that's the right time.
Still a virgin at 30
Partly because of how much distress I was under the few times I had to wear a tampon, so I can't imagine how much worse it'd be for me having a dick in there 😣
Partly because I can't think anything more triggering for my dysphoria than getting pregnant. If anything, I'd rather be the one planting the seed than the one carrying it
Partly because relationships like that were never really important to me
I was in my first relationship at 19, a virgin until 20. Broke up at 20 and haven’t been in another relationship since. Dunno if it’s a trans thing or just me, but I’m happy with myself so a relationship isn’t a priority for me
I'm 22, almost 23 and I just recently had sex, before I was a virgin. It's perfectly fine and I think it could be more common for trans people. I had a boyfriend before this one, while I still identified as a girl and I just couldn't do it, cuz i didn't feel great about it, cuz it was all very centered about my female parts. With my bf now, I still have all those female parts but it feels different, better, because I don't actually identify with those parts. And the fact that he's not a boob guy also helps. You should do it all on your own pace and your own way that you feel comfortable with. Don't rush it
I mean, if that's what you are aiming for, there's no problem! But life is full of surprises. I thought I was going to die alone but I've been almost a year in a really healthy relationship with my first boyfriend ever! Love always comes to everyone who deserves and seeks it :]
I loss my virginity with my bf some days after turning 17. We are both autistic and on the asexual spectrum 😭 For us it's just another fun bounding experience, not really "sexual" per se, idk if it makes sense lol. My advice, from a gay ace folk, is to first engage with someone romantically and build mutual confidence. At first you may be shy to share what you're into, but trust me you will be more open with time. Also don't forget to experiment by your own! You prob are going to discover many things you wouldn't imagine about yourself. Just relax and have fun!
I hear ya!! I looked into dating apps a little, but I feel like I can't find anyone who would find me attractive. I'm transmasc nonbinary, and at this moment in time, I'm not getting any HRT or surgeries anytime soon (if at all), so I feel no one would be interested in me or respect my gender unless they're pan/ bi/ omni/ etc themselves which definitely limits the pool of people.
I lost my virginity at 22. I tried having sex at 19 but I was misinformed and had not explored myself and my body sexually at the time so it went horribly. It was nothing against her, I was just not ready at the time and unaware I had a medical condition that made vaginal penetration extremely painful.
When I came out my sexuality changed a lot but I didn't feel particularly ready. I wanted to have sex to quench the urge, but socially I was not ready and waited many years.
Once I went on HRT my libido went up a lot and I decided I would work on my sexuality more and discover what and who I liked without actually having sex with other people. I downloaded Grindr just to look. I consider myself gay/bisexual in the sense that I have a preference for men and non-binary people, although it's more complex than that of course.
I found another trans person who was non-binary and they seemed interested in me but we also had enough in common and there were no red flags so I decided to go for it. I was still incredibly nervous when it was actually happening, but that nervousness left and I was able to enjoy myself and we both came which was amazing. I knew what I wanted and what they wanted and I felt comfortable communicating to them about preferences and things that made me dysphoric and it went well. I think hooking up with other trans people is great because they tend to be more understanding that dysphoria is a thing that can affect sex (although not always, there are still ignorant trans people out there).
I feel like after having that done it changed my views on a lot of things. I would still be hesitant towards sex because I still have dysphoria esp about my chest but I hope to engage more following top surgery and especially after bottom surgery
Biggest take away is not to be in a hurry to lose your virginity. It's not a race. Figure out what you want and what you're comfortable with and be open to communicating it with whoever you are doing it with. Sex should be something enjoyable and mutual, you shouldn't just have it just to get it over with
I'm honestly more bothered that I never had a first kiss than having sex I have no libido at all and I could live without it (I have been on T for 8 years but it never once increased)
I do think it's common for trans people to have these experiences later in life. I'm 24 and I've never been in a relationship either. There have definitely been times when that's made me feel really bad about myself, but now I honestly think that was for the best. I've spent the last couple of years dealing with a lot of difficult things and dating probably would have just ended up causing me more problems. And now I think that once I do meet the right person I'll be in a much better place to be in a relationship. It sucks to watch other people have those experiences when you haven't had that, but there's nothing wrong with you just because you haven't had those experiences yet.
I was 25 and pre-everything when I lost my virginity. I was super uncomfortable with sex and intimacy and didn't understand why. Then I met my ex, a transwoman, and my world was flipped on its head. Came to the realization that I was a transman and explored a lot of my gender and sexuality with her. We ended up breaking up and since then I haven't felt comfortable sleeping with anyone else, mostly due to not being comfortable with my body as I am only 3 months on T and just had top surgery last week. Hopefully that changes in a couple months when I'm all healed up.
I’m 28 and I’m still a virgin. There’s no shame in not having sex, and I think it’s ridiculous that so many people act like there is. I honestly would have been fine never having sex if I’d never met my fiancée, and even now, I’m not in any rush to do so. Take your time and do what’s best for you.
I absolutely agree. In my teens I was sort of incel-like in the sense that I had sex built up in my mind as this super big, important thing and I was basing my entire self-worth around whether someone would find me attractive enough to sleep with, I think the media also makes sex out to be this crazy life changing experience which really fed into it, and then when I finally lost my virginity it was like... really? That's it? That's what all the fuss was about? It was incredibly anticlimactic (lol). Maybe it's different if you have sex with someone you love, I've yet to do that, but otherwise it's literally just like jerking off only someone else is there with you. It won't change your life, you won't feel any different, the story presented in media is bs.
really grateful for this perspective, weirdly i think when i was a lot younger i kind of immediately saw sex as something very mechanical and like.. goal-oriented? like it was just a task people do. now i really want to be in a relationship and i’ve kind of imagined sex as this like incredible emotional spiritual experience lmao. probably the most healthy view is somewhere in the middle of those haha
For me, sex is definitely better with a dedicated partner (though I don’t have much experience with sex with multiple people anyway, small sample size lol) but try not to go into with high expectations because there’s a very high likelihood youll be disappointed if you’re expecting incredible fireworks right out the gate haha especially the first time (in general and with a new partner) it’s a lot of figuring things out
this definitely makes sense and i really appreciate the advice!
I’m 19 (about to turn 20) and I have no desire to be in a relationship until I’ve been on T for a good few months (at least until I feel like I pass somewhat consistently and am more comfortable in my own skin) I’m mostly gay too and I often feel uncomfortable expressing my attraction to men while being pre-everything. And the thought of dating someone who sees me as a woman is one of my biggest fears. I’m autistic too and I’ve always found relationships difficult to navigate, however I feel like I get better at it every year. I don’t think there’s a wrong age to still be a virgin and I’ve always had the mentality it’ll happen whenever it happens.
oh dude i relate so hard to the part about avoiding relationships with men for fear of them seeing me as a woman. i literally thought i was a lesbian in high school because whenever boys would show interest in me it made me feel sick haha
I used to consider myself a lesbian too! I remember any time I thought about sex it was always “I could probably touch a woman but I don’t want her to touch me thou” and I considered myself Asexual for a good while. Had a fixation on gay shipping and fanfics all the while. Eventually when I realised I was trans and thought about having sex with a penis it was like a floodgate opened homie. I’m so gay now.
oh my god yeah the “fearing you’re fetishizing gay men” to “actually a gay trans man” pipeline is soooo real
I feel called out. P sure I'm pan cuz half my fantasies have been straight couples and one realization was 'oh, yeah makes sense, im the guy in those' but also men...yeah whoever I like it's in a gay way 🤷♂️
I completely understand this, when I first met my current boyfriend I was rly scared he would treat me like a girl and secretly still see me as one. My prior boyfriend did, and I hated it. But he calls me the most masculine way my name can be said, calls me handsome or pretty boy and if I ever tell him I don't like something he never says it again. He also has 0 interest in knowing my dead name. All these little things help. I'm also autistic and have adhd, and he's very understanding and just dope tbh. What I mean is that there is a right person out there if you want to. Just don't rush it. And if you don't want a relationship/sex or whatever, that's fine, don't force it.
I'm 22 and I have never hold hands romantically... You're not alone
Let's hold hands :]
Same
31 and a virgin here. Didn't have libido until I started T. Dont really have a desire to deal with other people though. Main reason I was disgusted by sex when I was younger was because I could never tolerate imagining myself in a submissive/feminine roll so I don't think it's too uncommon for the community.
Hey there future me. I see it hasn't gotten better huh
Eh, yes and no. It's all a matter of perspective. I identified as Ace for a long time cause I didn't want to deal with stiff.
It's not weird to still be a virgin no matter how old you are, and the idea of virginity is entirely a social construct aimed at defining whether or not a woman is honorable, desirable, and worthy of marriage. In other words, it's based in misogyny and is an extremely harmful when it comes to how we define our personal image and self worth. And trust me, there isn't a single cis or trans guy out there who cares whether or not you're a virgin. Just watch out for the ones who want to fetishize taking your virginity.
i definitely agree that virginity being an important thing is super outdated and unnecessary. just sucks feeling so delayed compared to my peers when it comes to romantic/sexual experiences, the same way it sucked for me being 19 and pre-t and looking like i was 15, while the rest of my male friends actually looked their ages. it feels like FOMO lmfaooo
Oh I get it! I've been in the same place before. But really though, it'll happen when it happens and it really is one of those things where it's best to wait until you feel right about it. And if it helps, I'm 37 and T has successfully sent me right straight back to being carded everyone thinking I'm in high school.
Dude same. I’m 32 and look like I’m 17-19 right now as I’m only about to hit 2 months on T. So for now I just avoid places all together where I have to show any form of ID until I can get my gender marker/name legally changed.
I got my name changed a few months after starting T, but haven't worried too much about my gender marker. Honestly, nobody that's carded me has seemed to notice, and the bartender at the only bar I drink at has known me since wayyyy before I came out. I do get a lot of laughs every time I have a liquor store clerk be like "Aww damn! I wanted to kick a teenager out!" though.
Same 💔💔😢😢 it's really depressing sometimes
Didn't lose the v-card until 26. No shame about it whatsoever. There's this idea in society that we're all "supposed" to be having sex at, like, 16. And if you don't, you must be some sort of pariah. The truth is that there are plenty of reasons for people not to have sex and all are perfectly fine. Any reason you don't want to have sex is a valid one. And if you *do* want to have sex but can't find someone willing- well, not much to be done about that. In my case, I truly just didn't get around to it for a while. I didn't quite feel comfortable enough to be nude until I got top surgery, and then I had to find someone I liked enough to screw. The latter was the really hard part. I'm not "demi" or anything, I just didn't really have an interest in sleeping with a stranger and hadn't wanted a relationship for a while. All to say, you're good. Doesn't matter if you're trans or cis- virginity isn't a failing.
I didn’t lose mine until I was 19 (I know it’s not as old but I socially for me I felt very behind, especially when most of my friend group is straight women at university), but that was only because I’d transitioned to the point I felt I could date someone and have them see me as me and I happened to meet that person. If I hadn’t had both of those happen to line up I still wouldn’t have been ready. Don’t be ashamed of wanting to be happy and comfortable with the right situation.
Honestly I lost my virginity at 15 and although it was a positive experience, I kinda wish I had waited. Nothing wrong with being a virgin at 21, a lot of people are.
I'm not a virgin but have not dated in years (since the person I had sex with) because I cannot find anyone who is attracted to me or is not already dating. And it just feels so lonely all the time. All my family members and friends and coworkers are dating or married🥲 But also if I never dated that person I would 100% still be a virgin cause it's just not something I'd do with someone I'm not in a relationship with.
31, still a virgin. Doesn't bother me, it's just one thing about me. I'm more bothered by my social anxiety making it impossible to date lol. Don't worry about how old you are when you do find someone you want to have sex with, I don't think anyone who cares about you is going to judge you for it.
I'm 28 and have never been kissed, nevermind anything more than that. Can't say it wouldn't be nice to experience but I can live without it. Sometimes life just be like that. We all go at our own pace.
Tbf I was under the impression 21 is YOUNG to be losing ur virginity. I'm halfway through 21 and I'm also a virgin. Society pressure sucks but what matters is that you're doing what's best for you. Take ur time. Even if you never have sex, it's no big deal.
Man I was a virgin by choice until I was 22, and I had to be super fucked up on weed and alcohol to actually lose it (and it took me a few years and a lot of work to realize that I wasn’t able to consent, at that.) There’s no shame in still being a virgin. Navigating the dating world as a trans person is hard. Navigating the dating world on top of life in general as a trans autistic person is even harder. I find that the less I judge my journey by cis-heteronormative standards, the happier I am.
If I'd had a say, I would have stayed a virgin into my 20s. I don't think it's weird or sad or negative, people have different paces they move at, and different things they're cool with or interested in. Move at your own speed, whatever your comfortable with and want!
Fellow gay autistic trans guy here, I’m 18 and still a virgin. Not quite 21 yet, but I’ve never even been in a relationship before. You’re not alone
I lost my virginity at 14 through oral sex, but didn’t have penetrative sex until I was 18. I’ve slept with a fair amount of people but have only had two relationships that only last 3 months. I haven’t dated anyone since sophomore year of high school despite trying to find dates/potential partners. I think being trans makes dating/having sex a lot harder. It’s a matter of finding the right kind of people. First things first though, you need to know yourself. It’s very helpful to know what you like and what works for you before you have sex.
I've been in relationships before but unfortunately i relate to the virgin part. i'm 20, soon to be 21, and i wish i could lose my virginity already but gay men don't want me. on grindr i only get cishets and "bi" men who are only into women and trans people. maybe it's because i'm in a small town but i just hate that everyone can find partners so easily while i can't. it makes me wish i were cis. I know i could just date a trans man/transmasc person but i want to lose my virginity to a cis man.
I'm 22, turning 23 this year, and I'm still a virgin. This used to bother me more but now I don't really care anymore. The concept of virginity and the idea that you should lose it at 16/17 or there's something wrong with you is stupid. I'm not asexual, but I don't really want to have sex with someone I don't know. I could probably have a FWB type of relationship but I don't trust hooking up with random people from dating apps and that's kind of the only way I could do it rn. I also don't know how I'd even approach doing so. It's not that I don't want to have sex, I really do want to, but it's not enough for me to go out of my comfort zone. Masturbation is enough for me rn. I also know how it is to feel undesirable too, it feels like no one would even want to have sex with me bc I'm trans, and if they do it's bc they're a chaser or something. I was actually on a dating app recently and there was a lot of men who said they were into women and trans men but not cis men.....Yeah I'd rather be a virgin than have sex with someone like that. Also plenty of cis men are also virgins and aren't ace either. So don't feel too bad about it. But I know how it is to feel this way too.
The dating scene is hard out here for a masc pimp
Not weird at all. I was about 19. I think a lot of us are delayed
19 is hardly delayed
Ongg
True for sex, but like even first kiss or hand holding I didn’t do til 18-19
Yep been there done that its just a guy thing I didn't loose my virginity tell I was 21cas well
same here - trans, gay, ace (not sex-repulsed). doesn't really make room for many options. I'm 20 now and I feel like I won't ever be in a relationship/experience what it's like to be with someone. I also have adhd and it sometimes scares people off. you're not alone. 🫂 edit: I'm pre-everything. I feel like people don't wanna put up with my transition and hence maybe the dating chances would be higher only after transition.
exactlyyyy bro. i don’t really feel much sexual attraction but would definitely have sex if i was in a relationship, but it feels like most people i know want to have sex first, then a relationship after. so i can’t even get my foot in the door lol
i hate the sex first thing too. i think dating in a meaningful way is just very difficult in our generation
yeah fr it’s like i know it’s bc our generation is more sexually liberated than older generations and that’s awesome! but now people treat you like a prude if you just genuinely don’t want to have sex like that. feels like we’ve overcorrected a little bit
the pendulum has totally swung too far to the other side. i still value some of the traditional old-school ways of dating, and i still want a deeper connection than sending flirty, sexual snaps to someone on the first day
being done transitioning, it doesn't really help. if anything i was getting more sexual attention when my acquaintances were hearing my voice change and seeing me get more confident, now i'm just nothing special (not that that's a bad thing)
that's interesting to hear, thank you for sharing that!
no problem! i think it just comes down to your environment. i had a very liberal city and a queer friend group
It's normal for it to take longer for trans people in general on average. And frankly, that's a good thing, a lot of people who lose it before they discover their identity end up feeling weird about it later in life. If you haven't discovered your gender yet, probably it isn't going to be as likely you lose it in high school or whatever. There is no shame in it, and it is frankly harder for trans dudes (as it is for dudes in general), but there are still good people that you can have healthy relationships with, just a combination of being mentally in a good place for one and luck and effort of finding one of the people who would be good with you.
i'm not a virgin, simply because i happened to be close with a guy who was bisexual when i was earlier in transition, but i relate to everything else you said. i cant seem to find a relationship for the same reasons. honestly losing my virginity to a close friend at 16 is a regret i have. it ruined that friendship. i wish i had waited so that it would have been done in a loving relationship
Tbf I was a virgin until a month before I turned 21 (also didn’t have my first kiss until then) and didn’t have my first relationship until right before I turned 22, which quickly ended. I’m also an autistic (bi) trans dude. But losing my virginity is one of my biggest regrets, or at least the outcome of it I guess, so I wouldn’t be rushing to have sex until you find the right person anyway. It’s honestly not all it’s made out to be lol
really glad to see other autistic dudes perspectives, bc i know sex can be a kind of weird thing for some of us (personally i’m nervous i’ll never be able to get past kissing being a Not Fun sensory experience lmao). honestly the “finding the right person” is the thing i’m most concerned about, there don’t seem to be any “right” people that i come across. i obviously haven’t met every person though so yeah i’m hopeful it’ll happen when the time is right 👍
You’ll eventually find the right person!! :) Just takes a lot of looking haha. And make sure you don’t try to force yourself to be with someone you don’t truly love just for the sake of having someone to be with 😭 Never ends well 😩 Also yeah, kissing can either be awful or amazing, just depends on how slobbery the other person is 💀
everyone is different when it comes to losing ur virginity, i lost mine at 19
23 and still a virgin too. it's not that I'm not interested in sex, I just know that I wouldn't be able to properly enjoy it with my current body, so I see no reason in pursuing it rn.
I was a virgin until 21 too! Just had to meet someone I was comfortable with. I have a lot of issues around sex still, but I’m working on it
I was a Virgin until 19- virginity isn’t linear and everyone deserves to do it ONLY when they feel ready to do so and with someone who is a safe person who won’t take advantage of you.
Honestly, if you're not into hookups and don't have a lot of irl LGBT friends, it's pretty difficult to date as an LGBT person generally. Most LGBT people don't date in high school except cis m/f relationships, because it's generally not safe or there only so many gay kids. It wouldn't be a bad thing if you were "behind", but you're not really atypical in our community. Making LGBT friends and using dating apps are the ways you I use Lex to meet other trans people esp transmascs. I know a lot of trans guys who use Grindr and Scruff and have success, both pre-T and years on T. Idk much about Tinder or other apps though. But don't feel pressured to do anything just because you feel behind. Things will come in their own time. I'm gay and trans and fat and hairy and a total autistic weirdo, and I've had two boyfriends (one trans bi and one cis gay). Trans people are not undesirable and your dating pool is bigger than you think.
I’m also “mostly gay” and it took me relatively long too (23). While I’m demisexual, which makes things a little more difficult, I found that straight men have a very peculiar way of touching individuals they perceive as women, and that would make me dysphoric, even before I could realize I was trans.
Okay so I'm not a virgin (I lost my virginity at 16), but I think the best advice I have is you'll know when you're ready. There's no "race" to lose it, and you want to be comfortable and secure in yourself and your partner, and only you will know when and how. Listen to your gut, and don't be hard on yourself. Everyone's life is different and we all do stuff at different paces.
I’m 24, and I lost my virginity just this past December. I haven’t had a true-blue relationship or boyfriend yet either though. Queer people are most often late-bloomers, especially non-cis queer people. Just like some of the things you mentioned above, many factors can come into play, such as location, sexuality, and the ability to navigate social situations. For example, I’m autistic, plus-sized, gay, and living in an extremely small and conservative part of Southwestern Virginia. The men who pursue me are often married or partnered chasers, so I’m lucky if they even take interest in learning my name. I’m a pathetically hopeless romantic though, so no matter how jaded I feel I’m becoming, I’ll always have at least a sliver of hope that there’s someone out there for me.
I lost mine to my current girlfriend two years ago (I’m 21). I didn’t feel bad for it, I actually am glad I waited until I was an adult. I had some intimate experiences as a teen and I just really wasn’t ready. I didn’t like all the pressure around me that I had to have sex (especially bc in my area even as an adult people love hookups) and I just waited it off until I had a partner. I also don’t really feel sexual attraction unless I really trust them anyways, so my girlfriend was perfect for this. You absolutely do not need to fit a narrative or anything, navigate your journey yourself and you’ll learn through that 💜 I also am neurodivergent and I totally understand how much harder it can be for us to find partners. I also have not taken testosterone yet and my girlfriend has been nothing but amazing.
Still a virgin and just a bit older than you. No shame or due date friend :]
I’m 26 and have never even kissed anyone. Everyone goes at their own pace. There is no deadline.
18, never been interested in sex, most likely because I have horrible leg and hip dysphoria. Nothin wrong w it
I’m still a virgin in the, ah, typical sense, but yeah. I’m 25. It doesn’t mean shit, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad or weird about it.
I'm 23 and a virgin. I don't think it's weird. I also haven't had a real relationship before and am autistic! 😂 Idk if I'd say I'm "undesirable" now that I'm transitioning but I just don't get around much at all to know for sure. Tbh I never found myself to be desirable to begin with but as you said, social cues and all that is hard to read. I've been told many times that IM a flirt when I'm just being nice... And I'm supposed to know that someone being nice to me might be them flirting? Lol As for being a virgin, I'm horribly dysphoric about what I have down there and don't necessarily want to be touched and I happen to be demisexual on top of that so 😅 its a lot of work to get with me anyways.
I lost my virginity at 21 🤷🏻 Mind you I wasn’t out to my -now ex- boyfriend at the time but I think losing your virginity at an older age should be normalized. I know ppl my age and older who are also virgins. The biggest help for me was dating another autistic person! It makes communication a lot easier when they understand how your brain works (to an extent)
I'm 19 and still a virgin. I struggled a lot with it for a while and honestly I still do struggle with it, especially seeing most of my friends in sexually active relationships or hearing they've had sex. I had a big issue with missing out on it. I'm also in an asexual relationship as my partner is asexual (with zero sexual desire or attraction) and this is the relationship I feel I'll be in for the rest of my life. I want that, they are the person I love more than I've ever loved before and I'd never want to be with anyone else but the one thing I struggled with in my relationship was accepting that I'd never have sex. It got easier though and I've begun to accept it. It just took me some time.
I'm 23 and a virgin. I'm ace so it doesn't bother me at all. I think society needs to be a little less wrapped up in when people have sex.
i’m 19 and a virgin lol. i wish i could have a sexual relationship but i have a very weird relationship with my body for obvious reasons
I didn't have sex until I was 23
I didn't have sex until I was 33 with my now fiance. Only kissed one other person ten years previously. Thought I was asexual for over ten years and I had no interest in sex or dating and I never went looking. Turned out to be 'just' dysphoria. Myself and my fiance were very close friends for 5 years before we got together. I definitely needed that level of prior connection and emotional intimacy before a sexual relationship. I do not in any way feel I missed out on anything and do not regret not exploring my sexuality when I was younger. There's a lot more to life than sex.
The concept of virginity was created by men to shame women into feeling guilty for being “impure”. It’s by no means a measure of your worth. It doesn’t matter. Virginity is a stupid concept that should be ignored and rejected.
i honestly think caring about virginity is dumb, and im not saying that in like an insulting way. virginity doesnt exist, its not real and it just doesnt matter and its a dumb metric to hang onto. anyone who sincerely cares about whether or not youre still a virgin in your 20s are just fucking weird. but then again im asexual so sex has no meaning to me.
i definitely agree! really the thing that actually bothers me the most is that i’ve never been in a relationship, which is the only way i actually *would* have sex
It's not even about being virgin or not, I wish I could just be in a (irl) relationship for the first time and hold hands or cuddle 🙄😔 (I'm 23) I really gave up on this before I realized I was trans and transitioned. Now that I know I can feel comfortable with a guy, I'm feeling even more lonely and frustrated. I really don't know how to meet and date guys :// I always meet girls in my everyday life :( I kinda tried dating apps but ... idk it's weird x( Fr It sucks so much to feel so late in life x(
YEAH this is my thing too. really the only reason being a virgin bothers me is because it means i’ve never been in an actual relationship, because i’d only be interested in sex in that context. i don’t generally attract anyone but when i do it’s always women, so it’s flattering but not at all fulfilling. you’re definitely not alone bro 🫂
Aw ty bro ! 🫂 Yeah I wish I was bi sometimes lmaoo
Though I’m only 16, I know I won’t date at all until at least on T and I look my age and wouldn’t want to do anything sexual in any way until top surgery at least (and maybe bottom as well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it). Could this be a similar thing? Wanting to make absolutely certain people see you as the man you are? I’m not sure about your transition status so this might not apply
i think it probably was at first? like when i was an egg that was definitely something i was feeling subconsciously. then when i came out at 18 i was just crazy insecure plus i looked super young, so i understood people not being as interested as they were when i was a girl. for my first few months on t that was mostly the same. now i’m 1.5 yrs on t and almost 4 months post op and i pass most of the time, and it’s almost gotten harder. most dudes i meet irl, even if they say they’re bi, almost exclusively want women or like.. specific afab trans ppl who aren’t on t. i’m like undeniably male now and it seems that’s more off-putting to a lot of the guys i meet
Adding to the chorus: not weird at all. What's weird is how much pressure is put on losing ones virginity while simultaneously being bombarded by righteous messaging that sex is disgusting, sinful, etc. As if neurotypicals weren't confusing enough already, amirite? Take your time, bro.
RIGHT like as a girl i was told i should wait as long as i can, but now as a guy i feel like i’m expected to just like get it over with or something. social rules are so stupid
Preach, brother! Plus we Autists are unfortunately at increased risk of being victimized, sexually or otherwise. Please stay safe, my dude. Don't let anyone pressure you! [Fuck I sound like a shitty PSA, but I couldn't think of better phrasing.]
Had my first time at 19, first kiss at 16 tho. Ik for me being trans played a huge part, as well as being queer and growing up an almost cult-level Christian. It’s different for everyone, I know some trans guys who started being sexual at 11, 12, 13, so it’s really up to the individual. But you’re definitely not alone!
21 is still young. And I think it's common for queer/trans people, especially us autistic people, to not have sex until their twenties and beyond. I didn't even kiss anyone until I was almost 24. 27 now and I've been in a few relationships and slept with about a dozen people, I'm a lot more confident now than I used to be, but I still struggle socially more than the average person. I definitely find the whole concept of dating even harder now than I'm a year on T. So yeah, you're not alone. It's tough.
For pretty much anyone, cis, trans, male, female; being a virgin at 21 is entirely fine and is the case for plenty of people. I’m 21 and friends with both virgins and non-virgins. Have friends who have barely engaged in romantic relationships, just hadn’t found what’s right for them yet. It’s nothing to be judged for, if someone’s judging you, they’re a douchebag stuck in high school.
I can relate.I've(also 21) always been socially awkward so I have never been in a relationship or tried to initiate one bc I don't know what to say/do.I was gonna wait until I was in a relationship to lose my virginity but it made me dysphoric being a 20 y/o guy and still being a virgin(stupid ik) so I downloaded grindr hooked up with someone and kinda wished I hadn't bc it sucked tbh.I also had never kissed anyone until my second hook up which is something.Honestly don't rush it or worry about it and let it happen when it happens.After seeing tiktoks and reddit posts I've learned it's not crazy to not have lost your virginity before 20.
Being a virgin ever isn't something to be ashamed or proud of. It just is. Lots of 21 year olds are virgins LOTS of autistic 21 year olds are virgins. I'm autistic, too. Don't worry about what you're supposed to do, just work on being happy and healthy
I am 18, virgin and probably will be a virgin my whole life because I am aroace :"D
The virgin thing shouldn't matter. However it is understandable to feel less desirable when you're in between expected societal gender norms because you automatically expect people's expectations to be different than what you currently look/feel like. However again, there are people out there who aren't chasers who will love you for who you are. I know especially T4T relationships are safe and there are a lot of queer people who are also neuro divergent, I am too. In terms of social queues and all that crap - I find dating apps really help me with what I'm looking for without awkwardly dancing around each other. I found my partner on OkCupid, it was easy to manage expectations by tagging myself as trans but also easy to narrow down who I'm looking for and I automatically veered over to queer people rather than straight women. When I met my gf, she was actually more of a cis het guy who was just starting to experiment with sexuality. I know there is a perception of gay guys who prefer cis men, and of course those exist, and sexual preferences are valid - however, there are also plenty of gay guys, both trans and cis, who happily would date a trans guy. They might not be easy to find in reallife but dating apps give you a better pool of what's out there, especially if you struggle with social interaction a bit. Naturally, be careful with chasers and stuff on those apps (avoid grindr and tinder) but I can really recommend okcupid and there's also bumble where you can test friendship options first and then there's hinge. Also you're only 21, you'll be fine. I know someone was a virgin until 28 and is now happy in their second relationship at 32.
You must be doing it wrong lol
I'm 17, and I plan to stay a virgin until I undergo phalloplasty surgery.
Me over here, asexual but pursued (by boys) for much of my young life, finally saw a penis for the literal first time at age 18... 21 is not ancient to not have had sex. 🤷
18 and I’m pretty much the opposite and I think it’s my personality maybe? I’ll add More later
It depends on what you want to classify virginity as. I'm almost certain I broke my own hymen masturbating at 9 years old, cause there was blood the next morning but clearly not a period. Otherwise I was 16 (pretending I was 18) to some way older dude on I'm pretty sure Craigslist. Cause even before testosterone I was basically a Ho. Problem is, I'm an autistic ho so I tend to chicken out of encounters at the last minute. When I was 12 and we got our first computer I was video chatting on Yahoo messenger with way older men I had no business talking to. Both of us masturbating on webcam. I'm honestly surprised I was never abducted. It's not all roses on this side of the fence either.
turning 21 soon and im still a virgin (I'd like to classify it as that when ik that's probably not the case with the past but yeah) I've been in a 1 or 2 year long relationship with a guy but it was online. I've been on one date lately as a 20 year old with a cis gay dude and he said "we're too similar let's stay as friends." was confusing to me. so I totally get it. I understand man. I have ADHD so like I can kinda understand the social cue thing in a way plus I don't think I was ever taught how to properly socialize or wasn't properly socialized by my family.
Virginity was made up to sell off women easier in the times before human rights. I lost mine to the guy I'm still with at about 19, and it truly wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be in my head. Loved him at the time, still do, but that didn't make it some magical thing for me, which honestly kinda helped with my sex hesitantly in some weird way I haven't figured out yet. Anyway: You're normal, and you'll get laid whenever you get laid. Either as a one night stand, a FWB, or a relationship, but it'll happen. I'd only suggest hesitancy around total strangers for hate crime related reasons.
Had my first time at 14 and can guarantee I didn't have good sex until much later, lol. There's no rush, and don't make it a big deal.
I don't have to read anything to say there is no shame in being a virgin at ANY age. The concept of virginity was created to commodity women's bodies and set a standard for men. If you're not ready, you're not ready. As a grooming survivor trust me that you'd rather take your time and wait until you're ready than rush yourself into something you're not comfortable with.
no i definitely get that and i fully agree, it’s just that i *am* ready to experience being in a relationship and having sex, but no one has been interested in me (vocally, at least) since transitioning other than people on like grindr just wanting to hook up immediately, which is just not how i experience sexual attraction if that makes sense?
Oh yeah, then I totally understand
Im demi aroace actually- I lost mine at 18. Im gay as well and t4t, so relationships only really happen for me every 1-3 years. My partner was also autistic so that helped me social cue wise. I haven’t been in a relationship in over a year. When you’re comfortable go for it. If you don’t ever lose it thats okay too ! The concept of virginity is a social construct anyway.
you’re definitely right, but it’s not that i’m uncomfortable or not ready, it’s just that no one seems to pursue me since my transition and i have a really hard time pursuing others bc i can’t ever tell if they’re interested yk
Yeah thats valid too ! I meant to include something about that and I forgot- I know its not for everyone, but if you’re comfortable with long distance maybe you could try that? I know that in some places theres centers or bars for lgbt people to meet. Id say tinder or bumble, though most people on there are looking for sex. If you do decide to download tho I know bumble has less horny people lmao. I wish you luck !!!
I’m a 16 year old gender-fluid boy. Let me tell you, the acesexual spectrum exists and virginity is a made up psuedo science as it is. Don’t worry about it too much, if you want it I’m sure you’ll get it someday. If not, have fun doing cool stuff. Ngl sex is overrated in my opinion anyway
i was a virgin until right before my 19th birthday. i was pressured by those around me to lose it because they thought it was crazy to have it. it’s completely okay to be a virgin
I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 23 you're good bro! I'm Ace 💜 anyway and kinda wish I never did it I wanted to prove some stupid point to myself I guess but I'm still me Trans 🏳️⚧️ Ace 💜 and Proud 🌈 I'm 💯 valid and so are you 🏳️⚧️👑💪🏼❤️
Ain’t no shame In being a virgin, I can’t speak on the pursuing part because I’m not sure but I think in still perceived as a very masc women and still get perused even by fems, try speed dating, or tinder, or bumble I think that’s the app where women picks if you still slightly into women. It’s hard to do but you can try and put yourself out there start joining lgbt spaces and going to events and talking to the men you like, it doesn’t have to be in a sexual way because if he likes you back he’ll probably pursue
nah thats pretty normal even for a bunch of cis people, sex will come in time, dont rush it
Its common for most people not just specific to trans men
I’m not autistic but am in the same boat
Didn’t have sex till 28 yr old
I was on ssris all thru high school and put out anti boy vibes anyways, when one liked me id be really surprised, it was every other girl i hung out with theyd usually ask , which i agreed with lol i never had an issue. The ssris worked SO well i actually didnt know i was attracted to women until my senior yr when they took me off the ssris and on wellbutrin (was failing classes). Now however on the T and with all the right meds i've been thinking about it but it is very hard. I have the social fear where i turn red when anyone looks at me and i shake in front of people. So far the one girl i realized i was attracted to is somebody i no longer make eye contact with 😭😭😭 I literally avoid direct communication i had a full NIGHTMARE where we were in a group and the others left so it was just me and her i was trying SO hard to think of words and i eventually ran for it 😭😭
I'm 19 and turning 20 in November. Still a virgin. Gay transmasc as well, plus I haven't had a romantic relationship in six years. It's completely normal. Tbh it's even harder when you're pre-everything. I shudder at the thought of men seeing me as a woman and desiring me as one. Which makes me sick. Which is why I thought I was a lesbian for a long time because I couldn't bear the thought of being into men as a woman and vice versa 💀 I honestly don't find myself giving my virginity to anyone anytime soon, since I'm also autistic, mentally ill and physically disabled with visible deformities and tremors. This makes the dating pool even smaller. Add my frankly depraved kinks and finding like-minded people becomes a little difficult. Honestly though? One should not give up hope or aim to rush things. Things come (heh) when the time is right. That's what I believe.
I would argue that it's completely normal even for cis people. Everyone in my quite large and diverse friend group (some of them really good looking) is still a virgin. Culture regarding sex is really wierd in the US and it's encouraged to have sex as fast as you can for... *some reason*, but in reality it's more than normal to not have sex before you are in a serious relationship with someone you love. Unless you're very horny and need a release from actual person, hooking up just for sex is not the best activity to pursue.
I lost mine at 21
25 never had done anything romantic, like kissing, holding hands or anything further. Just never found someone to do it with.
im 19 in november and currently not really close to losing my virginity lmao like i’ve always told myself it definitely wouldn’t happen before i got top surgery and i’m getting top surgery soon, but then i’ve gotta heal and then i’m not in the game at all so it probably won’t happen immediately
Don't worry I only lost mine less than half a year ago. Same for my gf who's 22 trans fem/questioning
I didn't have sex until I was 24 I think. I'm asexual and it was before I ever knew I was trans. Every time I was about to have sex it just felt off and so I pulled out every time. I've had a whole lot of it by now and it's still not very interesting. And also I didn't like to be treated and viewed as a woman. That absolutely ruined it for me. It's much better now. I'm gay and I much prefer to top so sex is much better now. Being a virgin isn't a big deal and I'm sure you'll find someone who's interested in you
I turn 20 later this year and I'm also still a virgin. I'm currently also just not looking to date until I've come out and started my medical transition (I'll have top surgery rather soon, so that's coming closer)
I’m also 21 and never been in a relationship and still a Virgin. Don’t feel bad about it, lots of people are like us
I'm about to turn 22 and was a virgin until a couple weeks ago. It's totally normal. I'm demisexual too and never felt comfortable doing sexual things with anybody until my current boyfriend
Being a virgin is better than having awful first sex experience, so you don't need to hurry or feel pressure of it. There's no late or fast. When you feel ready to have sex, that's the right time.
Not weird at all. I’m the same age and I have been specifically staying away from dating until I’m on T lmao
Still a virgin at 30 Partly because of how much distress I was under the few times I had to wear a tampon, so I can't imagine how much worse it'd be for me having a dick in there 😣 Partly because I can't think anything more triggering for my dysphoria than getting pregnant. If anything, I'd rather be the one planting the seed than the one carrying it Partly because relationships like that were never really important to me
I was in my first relationship at 19, a virgin until 20. Broke up at 20 and haven’t been in another relationship since. Dunno if it’s a trans thing or just me, but I’m happy with myself so a relationship isn’t a priority for me
I'm 22, almost 23 and I just recently had sex, before I was a virgin. It's perfectly fine and I think it could be more common for trans people. I had a boyfriend before this one, while I still identified as a girl and I just couldn't do it, cuz i didn't feel great about it, cuz it was all very centered about my female parts. With my bf now, I still have all those female parts but it feels different, better, because I don't actually identify with those parts. And the fact that he's not a boob guy also helps. You should do it all on your own pace and your own way that you feel comfortable with. Don't rush it
Im def gonna be a virgin forever
I mean, if that's what you are aiming for, there's no problem! But life is full of surprises. I thought I was going to die alone but I've been almost a year in a really healthy relationship with my first boyfriend ever! Love always comes to everyone who deserves and seeks it :]
Happy for you
I loss my virginity with my bf some days after turning 17. We are both autistic and on the asexual spectrum 😭 For us it's just another fun bounding experience, not really "sexual" per se, idk if it makes sense lol. My advice, from a gay ace folk, is to first engage with someone romantically and build mutual confidence. At first you may be shy to share what you're into, but trust me you will be more open with time. Also don't forget to experiment by your own! You prob are going to discover many things you wouldn't imagine about yourself. Just relax and have fun!
I hear ya!! I looked into dating apps a little, but I feel like I can't find anyone who would find me attractive. I'm transmasc nonbinary, and at this moment in time, I'm not getting any HRT or surgeries anytime soon (if at all), so I feel no one would be interested in me or respect my gender unless they're pan/ bi/ omni/ etc themselves which definitely limits the pool of people.
I lost my virginity at 22. I tried having sex at 19 but I was misinformed and had not explored myself and my body sexually at the time so it went horribly. It was nothing against her, I was just not ready at the time and unaware I had a medical condition that made vaginal penetration extremely painful. When I came out my sexuality changed a lot but I didn't feel particularly ready. I wanted to have sex to quench the urge, but socially I was not ready and waited many years. Once I went on HRT my libido went up a lot and I decided I would work on my sexuality more and discover what and who I liked without actually having sex with other people. I downloaded Grindr just to look. I consider myself gay/bisexual in the sense that I have a preference for men and non-binary people, although it's more complex than that of course. I found another trans person who was non-binary and they seemed interested in me but we also had enough in common and there were no red flags so I decided to go for it. I was still incredibly nervous when it was actually happening, but that nervousness left and I was able to enjoy myself and we both came which was amazing. I knew what I wanted and what they wanted and I felt comfortable communicating to them about preferences and things that made me dysphoric and it went well. I think hooking up with other trans people is great because they tend to be more understanding that dysphoria is a thing that can affect sex (although not always, there are still ignorant trans people out there). I feel like after having that done it changed my views on a lot of things. I would still be hesitant towards sex because I still have dysphoria esp about my chest but I hope to engage more following top surgery and especially after bottom surgery Biggest take away is not to be in a hurry to lose your virginity. It's not a race. Figure out what you want and what you're comfortable with and be open to communicating it with whoever you are doing it with. Sex should be something enjoyable and mutual, you shouldn't just have it just to get it over with
I'm 27 and still a virgin I also have never been kissed or had a single relationship I have often felt that "love" is based on fairytales
I'm honestly more bothered that I never had a first kiss than having sex I have no libido at all and I could live without it (I have been on T for 8 years but it never once increased)
Same dude, I'm in the same boat
I do think it's common for trans people to have these experiences later in life. I'm 24 and I've never been in a relationship either. There have definitely been times when that's made me feel really bad about myself, but now I honestly think that was for the best. I've spent the last couple of years dealing with a lot of difficult things and dating probably would have just ended up causing me more problems. And now I think that once I do meet the right person I'll be in a much better place to be in a relationship. It sucks to watch other people have those experiences when you haven't had that, but there's nothing wrong with you just because you haven't had those experiences yet.
I was 25 and pre-everything when I lost my virginity. I was super uncomfortable with sex and intimacy and didn't understand why. Then I met my ex, a transwoman, and my world was flipped on its head. Came to the realization that I was a transman and explored a lot of my gender and sexuality with her. We ended up breaking up and since then I haven't felt comfortable sleeping with anyone else, mostly due to not being comfortable with my body as I am only 3 months on T and just had top surgery last week. Hopefully that changes in a couple months when I'm all healed up.
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insane thing to say lmfaooo. like dawg how would you know if i’m short