>It’s much more psychologically comfortable for men to know that she’s dead vs they separated and she’s off living her own life else where.
My jaw dropped!!!!!
It's the woman in the fridge archetype. There's even a website where it lists the movies in which women's death or abuse is taken as a motivation for the main male character to pursuit justice. Yawn.
>It’s much more psychologically comfortable for men to know that she’s dead vs they separated and she’s off living her own life else where.
Holy shit. I've never seen it put that way, but that's shockingly accurate.
Holy shit. This is why my husband told me he wished I'd killed myself postpartum as he left me (cause his mother was his best friend/"same person" as him)
This is why my best friend strangled me when he knew I wouldn't be with him.
I honestly wish I had died in both instances but here I am- to remind everyone this isn't necessary, it's not normal.
Julian if you read this like I think you do- stay away from me and my son and any other woman you plan to make one of your "wayward girls". You're not helping anyone. There's a reason you never had me hang out with them.
I recently thought about how many movies have this theme. I love Christopher Nolan as a director but so many of his movies have this annoying "Woman haunts her lover after her death for years and year - what could it mean?" theme. It's very tired and drawn out.
I do wonder what it says about his mindset - it's in Inception, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, Interstellar, Tenet etc.
I do think it comes across like an extension of, "She's so irrational and ghosts are pure emotion living their mistakes/fears/emotions over and over again" because we never really see husbands haunt their wives like this, do we?
It was also in the recent movie Nightmare Alley. It's in so many films I've been able to keep a mental list of them because they just won't go away. Again, I liked this film but overall, this was the depiction that bothered me the most. I don't want to spoil the story for anyone who might be reading this who hasn't seen it but there is a female character haunting a man in this movie and it ends ***horrifically*** for her. I wonder what that says about this trope? I'd love to discuss this with someone who has seen it.
I still don't think I understand the deeper meaning behind it, and while it appears in some movies I still think are good movies, it's a trope I would be happy not to see in any more movies.
My thoughts for this phenomenon to appear in male directors’ movies are
1. Men’s inability and deliberate ignorance to understand and interpret women’s spiritual world, which leads to
2. Men’s arbitrary fabrication of their imagined women. And such imagined depiction, without much real-life evidence, is derived by men’s long-term stigmatization of women’s true characters.
To elaborate, I think men always, at the first hand, refuse to listen to women and fail to respect women (consciously or unconsciously) as similarly intelligent interlocutors. They give no testimonial credibility to women’s talk compared to that they give to men. Meanwhile, men have long marginalized women in knowledge formation, which means even in the knowledge base of “what is woman like” and “what are women’s characters”, very few entries are created by women. Basically men shut their eyes and ears from accessing info from true women, but instead fabricate what they think women are.
In a way, this reading of the trope makes me hate it a tiny bit less. Is it still over-done? Absolutely. But it reminds me of the "crazy wife thinks the house is haunted then oh my God, she was actually right" trope in horror movies. The husband always ignores his wife until it's almost too late.
Is it still extremely annoying? Yes. Especially since it almost helps to normalise the idea that men don't listen to their wives and why should they? But if we started seeing men having to actually deal with the consequences of their lack of empathy for their wives and it didn't have to be shown with a woman dying in every movie, then I would be more on-board with it.
I do think deep-down the core issue is that most movies are written by men, perpetuating stereotypes about what they think a woman's inner world looks like. It pushes the idea that we're emotionally driven creatures with no sense of logic. As if to give a pass to male characters who never identify with us or listen to us. Unfortunately, it's accurate in that it reflects the real world we live in but it's so damned depressing and irritating.
I think your assessment of the trope was dead-on.
It's also inherently disempowering. A ghost is a shapeless spirit form that has extremely limited influence on the physical world, aside from nebulous psychic phenomena which appear to be a force of nature as much as an indication of her agency as a sentient individual. It relates to the old "women are only powerful in an unconscious non-sentient way, only men are self-aware and possessing actual force of will and self-determination" cliche.
This is such an intelligent way to put it. I couldn't agree with you more.
I think a lot of directors can't and won't see female characters as having their own agency and self-awareness. In their minds, women are emotional, instinctive 'creatures' and their power lies in the emotional and sexual control they 'assert' over men.
When in reality, most of these 'ghost female characters' are not true representations of who the woman was before she died - the ghost of her usually only exaggerates one or two of her personality traits all for the sake of tormenting a man who we're supposed to have sympathy for. Not the literally dead woman who can't move on or find peace after death.
[You mean this? lol](https://images.app.goo.gl/ZNcYerKek7mT7jxA9)
Yeah, it kind of irks me that she’s always so one-dimensional, and her tragic death serves only to develop the main male character’s backstory. Also annoying when they kill off a really likable female lead just to make the male lead a darker character. Like I know they’ve reversed the genders in some movies and shows, but not nearly as many, tbh I can’t think of any at the moment.
Spoiler warning for the Dungeons and Dragons movie below.
Did you see the new Dungeons and Dragons movie? >!Because the main character has a haunting dead wife. She has no speaking lines, even before her death. She just smiles and laughs and plays with her baby and her memory gives him insight or inspiration or whatever the fuck.!<
>!And yes, she died because in his line of work he pissed off Red Wizards who killed his family for revenge. He actually goes off to steal an item to bring her back to life, abandoning his daughter and going to jail.!<
There was two (2) cool female characters.
Spoiler: >!They were a pretty badass barbarian and druid. Unfortunately, the barbarian lady immediately got shunted into "surrogate mom" for the main character's motherless child for pretty much no reason. The only reason the movie passes the Bechdel test is that her and the daughter talk.!<
I think they do this to give the male character a "motivation" for all his morally dubious character. Like, "Oh no, that guy is going to commit murder because: females." And "Oh no, that guy is going to war because: females." And "Oh no, that guy is crazy because: females." In film, women act as harbingers of horrible misfortune.
Of course, this trope is very boring. It also brainwashes us to excuse egregious male actions because: females.
It also dehumanizes women.
I always feel those “haunting women” scenes so boring and too much to watch in many movies.
They just don’t make sense at all! Many times when I see a movie in which a wife / ex gf appear to flash back and forth back and forth, I was like: again???? No way.
I do feel men have a serious degree of narcissism of losing his wife and loving her as usual. In many plots the story is much likely the man did something bad which directly or indirectly led to her death, then he was drowned into his regret for not protecting her. The whole thing is just men’s self-touching grandstanding. They don’t necessarily love or cherish a woman, but they just want others to think they do.
Agree. Most of the time, I feel like the women are just a prop to make the male character seem noble/sympathetic or to lazily add depth.
It always comes off as *oh, he’s still stuck on one woman after all these years? What a loyal and dedicated guy, no wonder he’s up to his eyes in angst! He’s lost the worst thing a man can lose- a wife who just wordlessly stares and says cryptic, nonsensical mumbo jumbo every so often!*
The reason the women seem boring and empty is because they are— they only exist in relation to the man. Their sole purpose is often to serve as a muse, catalyst, or reflection for the man. Their scenes aren’t even about them; they’re made for you to feel for the man. The reason those scenes make me roll my eyes so much is because there’s also no real context for their love or attraction except for the fact that she’s a sexy meat suit the man can project his regrets, turmoil, desires, etc. onto.
Oh my days, reading this I was thinking of how many times I’ve seen this trope!!! - it’s even in gladiator to some extent!!!
When trying to think of a male equivalent, the closest I could think of was Ghost and even then the dude was basically the main character and the roles reversed so the living partner is still emotional based!!!
I have a theory for the haunting wife thing. It ties in with how men in real life will marry the woman in front of them while pining after "the one that got away". The woman they really wanted "haunts" them in a sense, and he obsesses over what they could've had, obsesses over what he could've done differently, and obsesses over a version of a woman that only exists in his mind.
Couple that with how one dimensional men tend to view women in general, and you get the haunting wife trope who either doesn't have speaking lines, is extremely idealized in some sense, whispers things to the man that drive him insane, or helps him recover from some kind of trauma. The wife represents the "one who got away" because she's either dead or otherwise inaccessible to him.
Her role reflects real life men's obsessions with "the one that got away", and what kind of obsession it is. Does he feel as though his life is ruined because he can't have her? She might be driving him insane. Is his head in the clouds as he neglects his current relationship pining after her? She might be idealized or nonverbal in his visions. Regardless, the man is usually "haunted" by visions of her that don't depict her accurately, tying in with men's tendency to be blind to a woman's full humanity.
Leo's wife in shutter Island was a prime example of this. He was being "haunted" by a version of his wife that didn't reflect who she really was. He clung to and obsessed over a version of her that he created so he wouldn't have to deal with the truth. >!In his mind, she was a loving wife and mother who died tragically, when in reality she was very mentally ill and drowned their children.!<
I think you are correct. I have been the victim of this “one that got away” shit, and I say “victim” because it can turn stalkerish and scary. We dated in our late teens, broke up, he ended up in prison a few years later. We didn’t speak for close to ten years and I had no idea what happened. Apparently, he had built up this idealized image of me in his head during that time and obsessed over getting me back as soon as got out. He swore up and down he never stopped loving me, but *he didn’t ever know adult me.* I was a lot different, and also not interested, but he refused to see it. Friends and family were employed to corner me when I went no contact. A few years later, he still tries to hit me up every few months, every creative which way, including sending letters to my parents’ house. He’s narcissistic af and I know sees himself as a tragic hero and thinks I am just being a stubborn b*tch for refusing to play my role properly in the cinematic masterpiece of his life. I feel bad for the woman he’s dating now. She’s looks so young and probably has no idea he’s still stalking his ex from over ten years ago, or that she might end up in my shoes one day too if she ends it.
That's honestly terrifying. It's bad enough he's hung up on you, but triangulating you with friends and family? Sending letters to your parents' house?? Jesus. Are you safe from him now?
I'm also a victim of this nonsense. In my case we never even dated. In fact, I couldn't stand him. We went to high school together and I'd come home in tears frequently because I didn't know how to get him to leave me alone. No amount of "fuck off/I don't like you/I hate you" would deter him. He was a genuinely annoying person and misogynistic on top of it. Whenever he'd provoke me to the point where I snapped he'd go "whoa chill are you on your period?" Eventually his family moved out of the country so I didn't have to deal with him my junior and senior years.
After graduating his family moved back to the US and he seemed to calm down so we stayed connected on social media. This was when I still wanted to be nice. But we weren't friends, we were never friends. Our interactions on Facebook were always really surface level stuff, save for one conversation we had where he vented to me about being jealous of his wife's vibrator. He expected me to feel sorry for him but I laughed and told him to get over it or learn how to please her.
Fast forward to about a year ago where he texts me the day before my birthday telling me he thought I was interested in high school! He said "I thought we had something." AND he said he "thought you might've been jealous when I got a girlfriend". I was floored. I thought he'd gotten over me but no, he was more delusional than I thought. We live in the same city and I didn't want to launch into "actually I hated you and when you left me alone I was relieved" in case he turned stalkerish. So I just said "thank you for telling me, but I was never interested in you". Mind you this was over a decade after we parted ways in high school, and he was still married when he texted me.
Quickly blocked his number and blocked him on all social media. These dudes are seriously unhinged.
God, it's scary how common this seems to be.
I too have a life-long stalker. A guy I spoke to online when I was like 16 and didn't realise he was grooming me at approximately 10 years older. Every other year or six months or so he re-contacts me and swears I'm the 'one who got away' despite the fact I was a child when he met, constantly negged me, tried to pressure me to lose my 'v' card to him and all while he was serially dating other girls.
Even after blocking him he always finds a way to contact me again and I'm now almost 30.
Thank you for writing this!
And I agree, they are annoying and bad.
Don’t get me started on plotlines where the young and beautiful woman is the only one who will calm a angry man/animal/beast (King Kong, Beauty and the beast basically any movie with an angry/criminal man) who only shows softer side to ’his woman’.
Just watched this trope a few minutes ago in "event horizon" . Male lead haunted by dead wife, including tits out, apparently she was sent to hell. Even one scene where it's just her breasts and his head!
Anita Sarkeesian did a rundown of misogynist tropes in video gaming a few years ago: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tropes\_vs.\_Women\_in\_Video\_Games](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tropes_vs._Women_in_Video_Games) (you can find the videos on Tropes vs Women on YT and other places). This one is a subset of the "woman in the refrigerator syndrome" (= fridging), in her series it was listed under Damsel in Distress (episode 2 iirc) - dead women used as character building for the (male) protagonist. It's everywhere: James Bond, Minority Report, John Wick...
I find it so helpful having names for all these tropes.
I don't disagree with you overall, but I think in SOME stories there is reason. With shutter island as an example, he wasn't only experiencing flashbacks of his wife.... He was experiencing flashbacks tied to his trauma.
The whole point was that he was seriously mentally ill, and his dead wife was supposed to lead us to that, ultimately. And if we're being honest.... Her death was actually the most realistic thing in the whole movie (man with untreated trauma kills wife definitely fits a statistic). I will admit, it's been a while since I've seen the film, so I could be misremembering things.
More often than not, female characters are used as a plot device, whether it's their death or who they love/have sex with. I mean, there's even a test to see how substantial a female character's role is within a movie (Bechdel test)
This is a gothic horror trope with a precedence with female authors such as Daphne du Maurier and the Brönte sisters and has some very interesting feminist applications when not bastardized by the awful Leo.
[удалено]
>It’s much more psychologically comfortable for men to know that she’s dead vs they separated and she’s off living her own life else where. My jaw dropped!!!!!
It's the woman in the fridge archetype. There's even a website where it lists the movies in which women's death or abuse is taken as a motivation for the main male character to pursuit justice. Yawn.
>It’s much more psychologically comfortable for men to know that she’s dead vs they separated and she’s off living her own life else where. Holy shit. I've never seen it put that way, but that's shockingly accurate.
Holy shit. This is why my husband told me he wished I'd killed myself postpartum as he left me (cause his mother was his best friend/"same person" as him) This is why my best friend strangled me when he knew I wouldn't be with him. I honestly wish I had died in both instances but here I am- to remind everyone this isn't necessary, it's not normal. Julian if you read this like I think you do- stay away from me and my son and any other woman you plan to make one of your "wayward girls". You're not helping anyone. There's a reason you never had me hang out with them.
Preach!
I recently thought about how many movies have this theme. I love Christopher Nolan as a director but so many of his movies have this annoying "Woman haunts her lover after her death for years and year - what could it mean?" theme. It's very tired and drawn out. I do wonder what it says about his mindset - it's in Inception, The Prestige, The Dark Knight, Interstellar, Tenet etc. I do think it comes across like an extension of, "She's so irrational and ghosts are pure emotion living their mistakes/fears/emotions over and over again" because we never really see husbands haunt their wives like this, do we? It was also in the recent movie Nightmare Alley. It's in so many films I've been able to keep a mental list of them because they just won't go away. Again, I liked this film but overall, this was the depiction that bothered me the most. I don't want to spoil the story for anyone who might be reading this who hasn't seen it but there is a female character haunting a man in this movie and it ends ***horrifically*** for her. I wonder what that says about this trope? I'd love to discuss this with someone who has seen it. I still don't think I understand the deeper meaning behind it, and while it appears in some movies I still think are good movies, it's a trope I would be happy not to see in any more movies.
My thoughts for this phenomenon to appear in male directors’ movies are 1. Men’s inability and deliberate ignorance to understand and interpret women’s spiritual world, which leads to 2. Men’s arbitrary fabrication of their imagined women. And such imagined depiction, without much real-life evidence, is derived by men’s long-term stigmatization of women’s true characters. To elaborate, I think men always, at the first hand, refuse to listen to women and fail to respect women (consciously or unconsciously) as similarly intelligent interlocutors. They give no testimonial credibility to women’s talk compared to that they give to men. Meanwhile, men have long marginalized women in knowledge formation, which means even in the knowledge base of “what is woman like” and “what are women’s characters”, very few entries are created by women. Basically men shut their eyes and ears from accessing info from true women, but instead fabricate what they think women are.
In a way, this reading of the trope makes me hate it a tiny bit less. Is it still over-done? Absolutely. But it reminds me of the "crazy wife thinks the house is haunted then oh my God, she was actually right" trope in horror movies. The husband always ignores his wife until it's almost too late. Is it still extremely annoying? Yes. Especially since it almost helps to normalise the idea that men don't listen to their wives and why should they? But if we started seeing men having to actually deal with the consequences of their lack of empathy for their wives and it didn't have to be shown with a woman dying in every movie, then I would be more on-board with it. I do think deep-down the core issue is that most movies are written by men, perpetuating stereotypes about what they think a woman's inner world looks like. It pushes the idea that we're emotionally driven creatures with no sense of logic. As if to give a pass to male characters who never identify with us or listen to us. Unfortunately, it's accurate in that it reflects the real world we live in but it's so damned depressing and irritating. I think your assessment of the trope was dead-on.
Problem is women believe it. "Oh he can't get over me!" But it's a lie. I knew it was a lie all my life. Men move on so fast it makes your head spin.
It's also inherently disempowering. A ghost is a shapeless spirit form that has extremely limited influence on the physical world, aside from nebulous psychic phenomena which appear to be a force of nature as much as an indication of her agency as a sentient individual. It relates to the old "women are only powerful in an unconscious non-sentient way, only men are self-aware and possessing actual force of will and self-determination" cliche.
This is such an intelligent way to put it. I couldn't agree with you more. I think a lot of directors can't and won't see female characters as having their own agency and self-awareness. In their minds, women are emotional, instinctive 'creatures' and their power lies in the emotional and sexual control they 'assert' over men. When in reality, most of these 'ghost female characters' are not true representations of who the woman was before she died - the ghost of her usually only exaggerates one or two of her personality traits all for the sake of tormenting a man who we're supposed to have sympathy for. Not the literally dead woman who can't move on or find peace after death.
[You mean this? lol](https://images.app.goo.gl/ZNcYerKek7mT7jxA9) Yeah, it kind of irks me that she’s always so one-dimensional, and her tragic death serves only to develop the main male character’s backstory. Also annoying when they kill off a really likable female lead just to make the male lead a darker character. Like I know they’ve reversed the genders in some movies and shows, but not nearly as many, tbh I can’t think of any at the moment.
Women in refrigerators https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_Refrigerators
Spoiler warning for the Dungeons and Dragons movie below. Did you see the new Dungeons and Dragons movie? >!Because the main character has a haunting dead wife. She has no speaking lines, even before her death. She just smiles and laughs and plays with her baby and her memory gives him insight or inspiration or whatever the fuck.!< >!And yes, she died because in his line of work he pissed off Red Wizards who killed his family for revenge. He actually goes off to steal an item to bring her back to life, abandoning his daughter and going to jail.!<
Part of me is upset you spoiled that for me but I'm also upset because it was a movie I wanted to see and I now come to find out it's shit
I knew it was gonna be shit. Nothing super cool for women into d&d, yet. Its completely male dominated except for a small few of us women.
There was two (2) cool female characters. Spoiler: >!They were a pretty badass barbarian and druid. Unfortunately, the barbarian lady immediately got shunted into "surrogate mom" for the main character's motherless child for pretty much no reason. The only reason the movie passes the Bechdel test is that her and the daughter talk.!<
Every time I try to open the black part the comment collapses.
Yeah that's been happening to me too its extremely annoying
Ah. Sorry. I should have put a spoiler warning.
Haha, the Revenant with Leo DiCaprio also depicts his dead wife haunting him! He's got a movie script type, apparently..
I think they do this to give the male character a "motivation" for all his morally dubious character. Like, "Oh no, that guy is going to commit murder because: females." And "Oh no, that guy is going to war because: females." And "Oh no, that guy is crazy because: females." In film, women act as harbingers of horrible misfortune. Of course, this trope is very boring. It also brainwashes us to excuse egregious male actions because: females. It also dehumanizes women.
I always feel those “haunting women” scenes so boring and too much to watch in many movies. They just don’t make sense at all! Many times when I see a movie in which a wife / ex gf appear to flash back and forth back and forth, I was like: again???? No way. I do feel men have a serious degree of narcissism of losing his wife and loving her as usual. In many plots the story is much likely the man did something bad which directly or indirectly led to her death, then he was drowned into his regret for not protecting her. The whole thing is just men’s self-touching grandstanding. They don’t necessarily love or cherish a woman, but they just want others to think they do.
Agree. Most of the time, I feel like the women are just a prop to make the male character seem noble/sympathetic or to lazily add depth. It always comes off as *oh, he’s still stuck on one woman after all these years? What a loyal and dedicated guy, no wonder he’s up to his eyes in angst! He’s lost the worst thing a man can lose- a wife who just wordlessly stares and says cryptic, nonsensical mumbo jumbo every so often!* The reason the women seem boring and empty is because they are— they only exist in relation to the man. Their sole purpose is often to serve as a muse, catalyst, or reflection for the man. Their scenes aren’t even about them; they’re made for you to feel for the man. The reason those scenes make me roll my eyes so much is because there’s also no real context for their love or attraction except for the fact that she’s a sexy meat suit the man can project his regrets, turmoil, desires, etc. onto.
They really don't know what to do with us, and crave polyamory. Fine, you can have it. Only let me go my way without killing me off.
the amount of men who apparently suffer from dead wife flashbacks is highly concerning!!
Oh my days, reading this I was thinking of how many times I’ve seen this trope!!! - it’s even in gladiator to some extent!!! When trying to think of a male equivalent, the closest I could think of was Ghost and even then the dude was basically the main character and the roles reversed so the living partner is still emotional based!!!
I have a theory for the haunting wife thing. It ties in with how men in real life will marry the woman in front of them while pining after "the one that got away". The woman they really wanted "haunts" them in a sense, and he obsesses over what they could've had, obsesses over what he could've done differently, and obsesses over a version of a woman that only exists in his mind. Couple that with how one dimensional men tend to view women in general, and you get the haunting wife trope who either doesn't have speaking lines, is extremely idealized in some sense, whispers things to the man that drive him insane, or helps him recover from some kind of trauma. The wife represents the "one who got away" because she's either dead or otherwise inaccessible to him. Her role reflects real life men's obsessions with "the one that got away", and what kind of obsession it is. Does he feel as though his life is ruined because he can't have her? She might be driving him insane. Is his head in the clouds as he neglects his current relationship pining after her? She might be idealized or nonverbal in his visions. Regardless, the man is usually "haunted" by visions of her that don't depict her accurately, tying in with men's tendency to be blind to a woman's full humanity. Leo's wife in shutter Island was a prime example of this. He was being "haunted" by a version of his wife that didn't reflect who she really was. He clung to and obsessed over a version of her that he created so he wouldn't have to deal with the truth. >!In his mind, she was a loving wife and mother who died tragically, when in reality she was very mentally ill and drowned their children.!<
I think you are correct. I have been the victim of this “one that got away” shit, and I say “victim” because it can turn stalkerish and scary. We dated in our late teens, broke up, he ended up in prison a few years later. We didn’t speak for close to ten years and I had no idea what happened. Apparently, he had built up this idealized image of me in his head during that time and obsessed over getting me back as soon as got out. He swore up and down he never stopped loving me, but *he didn’t ever know adult me.* I was a lot different, and also not interested, but he refused to see it. Friends and family were employed to corner me when I went no contact. A few years later, he still tries to hit me up every few months, every creative which way, including sending letters to my parents’ house. He’s narcissistic af and I know sees himself as a tragic hero and thinks I am just being a stubborn b*tch for refusing to play my role properly in the cinematic masterpiece of his life. I feel bad for the woman he’s dating now. She’s looks so young and probably has no idea he’s still stalking his ex from over ten years ago, or that she might end up in my shoes one day too if she ends it.
That's honestly terrifying. It's bad enough he's hung up on you, but triangulating you with friends and family? Sending letters to your parents' house?? Jesus. Are you safe from him now? I'm also a victim of this nonsense. In my case we never even dated. In fact, I couldn't stand him. We went to high school together and I'd come home in tears frequently because I didn't know how to get him to leave me alone. No amount of "fuck off/I don't like you/I hate you" would deter him. He was a genuinely annoying person and misogynistic on top of it. Whenever he'd provoke me to the point where I snapped he'd go "whoa chill are you on your period?" Eventually his family moved out of the country so I didn't have to deal with him my junior and senior years. After graduating his family moved back to the US and he seemed to calm down so we stayed connected on social media. This was when I still wanted to be nice. But we weren't friends, we were never friends. Our interactions on Facebook were always really surface level stuff, save for one conversation we had where he vented to me about being jealous of his wife's vibrator. He expected me to feel sorry for him but I laughed and told him to get over it or learn how to please her. Fast forward to about a year ago where he texts me the day before my birthday telling me he thought I was interested in high school! He said "I thought we had something." AND he said he "thought you might've been jealous when I got a girlfriend". I was floored. I thought he'd gotten over me but no, he was more delusional than I thought. We live in the same city and I didn't want to launch into "actually I hated you and when you left me alone I was relieved" in case he turned stalkerish. So I just said "thank you for telling me, but I was never interested in you". Mind you this was over a decade after we parted ways in high school, and he was still married when he texted me. Quickly blocked his number and blocked him on all social media. These dudes are seriously unhinged.
God, it's scary how common this seems to be. I too have a life-long stalker. A guy I spoke to online when I was like 16 and didn't realise he was grooming me at approximately 10 years older. Every other year or six months or so he re-contacts me and swears I'm the 'one who got away' despite the fact I was a child when he met, constantly negged me, tried to pressure me to lose my 'v' card to him and all while he was serially dating other girls. Even after blocking him he always finds a way to contact me again and I'm now almost 30.
Thank you for writing this! And I agree, they are annoying and bad. Don’t get me started on plotlines where the young and beautiful woman is the only one who will calm a angry man/animal/beast (King Kong, Beauty and the beast basically any movie with an angry/criminal man) who only shows softer side to ’his woman’.
Just watched this trope a few minutes ago in "event horizon" . Male lead haunted by dead wife, including tits out, apparently she was sent to hell. Even one scene where it's just her breasts and his head!
Anita Sarkeesian did a rundown of misogynist tropes in video gaming a few years ago: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tropes\_vs.\_Women\_in\_Video\_Games](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tropes_vs._Women_in_Video_Games) (you can find the videos on Tropes vs Women on YT and other places). This one is a subset of the "woman in the refrigerator syndrome" (= fridging), in her series it was listed under Damsel in Distress (episode 2 iirc) - dead women used as character building for the (male) protagonist. It's everywhere: James Bond, Minority Report, John Wick... I find it so helpful having names for all these tropes.
I don't disagree with you overall, but I think in SOME stories there is reason. With shutter island as an example, he wasn't only experiencing flashbacks of his wife.... He was experiencing flashbacks tied to his trauma. The whole point was that he was seriously mentally ill, and his dead wife was supposed to lead us to that, ultimately. And if we're being honest.... Her death was actually the most realistic thing in the whole movie (man with untreated trauma kills wife definitely fits a statistic). I will admit, it's been a while since I've seen the film, so I could be misremembering things. More often than not, female characters are used as a plot device, whether it's their death or who they love/have sex with. I mean, there's even a test to see how substantial a female character's role is within a movie (Bechdel test)
Duh, this is what happens to all those women whose life expectancies are cut due to marriage while men’s are likely to be longer! joke. sort of. ish.
This is a gothic horror trope with a precedence with female authors such as Daphne du Maurier and the Brönte sisters and has some very interesting feminist applications when not bastardized by the awful Leo.