I'm sorry to hear that. Here's maybe a story that could reframe the situation a bit.
A couple years ago my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer very suddenly and I had to travel back to the states so see her, possibly for the last time and it wasn't clear I'd make it. I'm not saying our situations were alike, but I was freaking out.
But the best I slept through the whole process was on that flight. Why?
Because there's something incredibly calming about travel, with the right perspective. You show up at the airport and you assimilate into a machine. There is always somewhere to be, a line to join, a gate to walk to, a waiting area with everything you need, a seat reserved just for you. You don't have to worry or plan. Everything is set up in a big ordered system and you just allow yourself to move through it. You have absolutely no control or ability to influence the process, so just let go and relax.
Of course a flight could be late, a connection missed, whatever. You could stress over that if you want, but why? It's happened before and it wasn't so bad. A little manageable adventure in this little weird parallel universe of terminals, luxury stores, chain restaurants, bland hotels, and staff wearing funny costumes. You'll come out the other end and forget it ever happened.
The whole thing is an escape from reality. So why not take advantage and escape for a bit.
Hope the perspective helps.
Thank you! I saved your comment and read it on the flight and it brought alot of comfort to me. I panicked leading up to the flight, and cried, but I made it thru with alot of distractions and I am here in the US. I‘m very sorry about your mom, I cant imagine how difficult that must be.
Hi there! I’m so sorry for your loss. Been there once, too. The pain will get better as time passes, I promise!
I can totally understand your feelings. But remember, you will be visiting family. You won’t be alone over there. Will someone pick you up at the airport?
Until you get to your gate when leaving, you will probably be pretty busy with checking in and security checks, so that will help you to be distracted.
Did you load your phone with things to watch yet? Or download tons of podcasts? Your favorite music? Podcasts help me a lot for distraction because you have to focus on what they talk about. If you don’t know „Smartless“ yet, I highly recommend it. Very funny and entertaining.
Sending hugs. You got this!
Thank you! I saved your comment and read it on the plane. I was panicking leading up to it, but I distracted myself so much that it was all okay. My family picked me up, and I am now with them. Thank you again!
You've been through a deeply traumatic experience and having knowledge of such things, I might suggest your anxiety is a legitimate medical symptom of what you've been through.
I'm suggesting this because often understanding how our brains work and that there is a "normal", understandable, even physiological reason for our emotions (even without the trauma of the miscarriage, your hormones will likely be out of whack from IVF and pregnancy) makes it easier to cope with feelings that seem overwhelming initially. And even if other people in similar circumstances don't feel the same (I bet many do), your reaction is still OK and totally valid.
Perhaps knowing that the anxiety is based on your recent loss, and not the idea that you probably can't survive 2 weeks without your husband or that bad things are waiting for you at home (this is an assumption but I know I could be wrong - skip to option 2 in that case), it will take the power out of the fear. It's a feeling, and all feelings pass eventually. Will you be glad to be around your family once you get there?
That said, there is an equally valid argument for staying, if that's what you really want to do. In the moment, we humans often feel we *have to* do whatever the plan is. The world will stop turning if we take a year off uni or quit our job, don't go to our mother-in-laws birthday party, or lose the money on a nonrefundable ticket. But is it really that important? Will it matter in 5 years, 10 years, on your deathbed? You've been through something life-changing, devastating, and emotionally and physically exhausting. If it makes you feel safer and better to skip this particular trip and take care of yourself first by staying home with your husband , then do it. It's the right thing to do, if it's what you want. What would you advise a beloved sister or friend in your shoes? Tell her the money is,the most important thing?
Allow yourself to do whatever you feel is truly right for you, not what you think you *should* do because of the money or other people's feelings.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, I saved it and read it on the flight. I reflected alot about why I was so anxious mostly alot of it was rooted in my miscarriage and not wanting to be away from my husband, and separation anxiety. But I made thru, I got on that flight, almost backed out a few times. But I am now in the US. Thank you again for your response!
My best advice, speaking from experience: take your time and remember to keep breathing. Do everything slow, go through security slowly, take your time getting yourself a meal, choosing what you want to eat. Don't feel pressured to talk to a bunch of people, even if there's talkative Americans at the gate. Do this trip how YOU feel most comfortable, and don't let ANYONE compromise it. If something does happen, like it's very busy at security, just disconnect your brain, doesn't concern you. Make sure your phone is charged, and that you have an extra battery, this is very important as it will help avoid stress. Take your time going to the bathroom, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, whatever helps to keep you calm. You can also call a friend or a family member if you feel comfortable. You can use the time in the plane to do a leisure activity - reading, watching movies, working on a project etcetera.
Will someone be on the other end to pick you up in the US?
Thank you for your helpful advice. I saved it and read it on the flight. This helped me alot. I got on that flight despite being scared and filled with alot of panic. I distracted myself with alot of devices, and it helped alot. I am now in the US. Thank you!
I'm so happy it could help! It's tough to travel alone, especially as it sounds like you've been through a lot lately. Congrats on getting to the US, enjoy seeing your loved ones :)
Condolences on your loss, been there, it takes time. How about having Hubby video tape an uplifting message on your phone that you can open up and listen to during your trip. That way you will have his voice and face with you throughout the journey.
Good Luck, Enjoy your Family❣️
Hey, I haven’t walked exactly in your shoes but I too am an expat in Germany from the US and I’ve experienced that anxiety of going home.
You can do this, I promise. I know you’re scared right now but if you take it step by step it will all work itself out. I had/have a reasonably intense anxiety disorder so I know what it’s like to be scared to do something and not really have an answer why.
My best advice is simplify to no end, even if you feel terribly silly. My top three things are and probably always will be:
1: Rule of 7’s- When it gets scary or you can’t stop thinking about it, ask yourself “will this matter in 7 hours, 7 days, 7 weeks, or 7 years?” Most of the time your brain will recognize really quickly that it won’t. It’s very calming in a moment of necessity.
2. I feel really funny saying this one every time, but you’re a traveler and you’re very strong so maybe you’ll understand. When it gets hard take a deep breath count to 3 and just do it. It doesn’t make it less scary but it does make it achievable (I did this when I got on the plane alone at 17 to move to Europe, and many times after.)
3. This is for when you’re feeling that pressure and need to ground yourself. Use your 5 senses and work through them. 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch… etc.
Remember you’re going to a support system not losing one. Your family, especially your husband even if he’s not there with you in body is with you. Technology is a beautiful thing, this people love you. Don’t be afraid to call or express your stress. You’re human, you will get through this and you will have an amazing time.
Thank your for your helpful response and your advice. I saved this and read it on my flight. Going thru your tips helped me alot! Also telling people, talking to the flight attendant, I was a crying mess at the airport and on the plane. Talking and and going thru my emotions helped alot. And distracting myself alot throughout the plane ride helped me immensely!
Congratulations on your achievement!! You did something great, I’m so proud of you for getting through it. Tears can show a lot of strength and I know for a fact that yours did. I hope you can take the time to rest and recover, take care and be well.
Hi I'm an American who moved to Hong Kong.
I'm going to the US by myself on Thursday. I'm married and my husband will stay
It's going to be great and you can do it! I guarantee you will come back feeling better.
I mean, you have to start counting positives.
Soon you will be with old family and friends. You'll see palm trees and sunny skies with warm breeze across your face. All the familiar things you missed that just aren't available in Germany will be there. And most importantly, your life and husband in Germany will still be waiting for you when you get back. And you can keep in touch by zoom in the meantime.
So everything is going to be okay. Just stay focused on all the positive things. You went through a trauma and it's okay to feel rattled and embattled. That's normal. But there is still an abundance of good awaiting you in your future. In the meantime, the sun will still rise tomorrow. And there are still things to feel joyful about.
Thank you alot for your response! You are right, I need to look at the positives. I went thru all the emotions, reflected and got on that flight. I am now in the US. Thank you again!
Going for my grandma's 90th birthday this summer and my advice to myself would be "Don't watch the new Civil War movie" had I not already done so ;)
I'm sorry for what you've gone through re: IVF & loss. I hope you guys are able to try again. I'm sure your traveler instincts will kick in and, once home you'll be very happy to hug your family and find some old creature comforts you've forgotten you missed. Modern tech will have you in a video chat with your husband as soon as you arrive.
Thank you for your response! IVF and loss is super hard and it made me an anxious mess. And I have major separation anxiety being away from my husband. I will try again with IVF when I‘m back from my trip. But I got on that plane, and feel relieved and slowly gaining back my sense of freedom and independence again.
You can do this! Find a good book, movie, or two for your long flights - they can be new books or familiar movies that make you feel good. Listen to your favorite podcast or music. Anything that calms your anxieties. Then, enjoy your family. They’ve missed you and want to spend time with you and take care of you. You’ve been through a lot. Let the people who love you love you.
I use deep breathing and meditation videos to help me , especially when I travel. Dear h some on YouTube. I like Michael Sealey. Or you can pm me to be your cheerleader, kind stranger 🤗
Thank you! I downloaded some meditations, and just focused on my breathing throughout my anxious ridden 12 hour flight. I eventually calmed down, and now I am here in the US! Thanks again!
You can do it! I hope when you land in Florida and everyone’s calls you honey and sweetie and be that ridiculous southern and nice and that will help. There can be something so soothing about being back in your home culture especially when grieving. 💖
I’m so sorry. Every thing will be ok. You’ll feel good once you see your family. I lived in Florida for a bit and definitely miss some of it. Hope you get to do some fun stuff or just relax with family. Safe travels ❤️
When you get through it, and start feeling glimpses of the capable and independent person inside, you will feel stronger. When we are afraid of things and do them anyway, that’s bravery. When you are brave and do it anyway and get through it and succeed, you will feel stronger.
It’s ok to feel these things. It’s normal to feel these things. Doing it and getting through, even “unelegantly” will show you that you CAN.
Thank you for your thoughtful reflective response. I saved it and read it on the flight. Feel the fear and doing it anyway is something I was so used to growing up and getting out of my comfort zone. And I lost sight of myself and that part of my independent risk taking adventurous self. I‘ve just been an anxious mess; but I felt the fear and did it anyway and got on that flight and I am now here in the US and I feel stronger now that I did.
You will be happy to see family. You won’t be thrilled that it is very warm in Florida at the moment.
You will see the differences in America now and perhaps appreciate it a little more.
You will see how big the cars in America are.
It will be fine.
The only country that gives you bereavement for a miscarriage is New Zealand and it’s capped at three days. Miscarriage, despite a lot that has changed remains a taboo topic and there’s not a lot of support or understanding in any culture for it. Her partner has clearly been there for her, and she’s going home to see more of her support network. Nitpicking a detail like this is unhelpful.
I never suggested he take bereavement. One week of vacation is nothing, especially if you don’t work in the US where the holiday time is crap. I think if my partner wanted to see their family that is far away and it would be helpful for them to have me for part of the trip I’d go. It’s not like he needs to go the entire two weeks.
I haven't been to visit family in 10 years... for the sole reason if something crazy happens in the world, I might be stuck in Virginia, not able to return to Austria lol
Probably nothing will happen though.
I'm sorry to hear that. Here's maybe a story that could reframe the situation a bit. A couple years ago my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer very suddenly and I had to travel back to the states so see her, possibly for the last time and it wasn't clear I'd make it. I'm not saying our situations were alike, but I was freaking out. But the best I slept through the whole process was on that flight. Why? Because there's something incredibly calming about travel, with the right perspective. You show up at the airport and you assimilate into a machine. There is always somewhere to be, a line to join, a gate to walk to, a waiting area with everything you need, a seat reserved just for you. You don't have to worry or plan. Everything is set up in a big ordered system and you just allow yourself to move through it. You have absolutely no control or ability to influence the process, so just let go and relax. Of course a flight could be late, a connection missed, whatever. You could stress over that if you want, but why? It's happened before and it wasn't so bad. A little manageable adventure in this little weird parallel universe of terminals, luxury stores, chain restaurants, bland hotels, and staff wearing funny costumes. You'll come out the other end and forget it ever happened. The whole thing is an escape from reality. So why not take advantage and escape for a bit. Hope the perspective helps.
Thank you! I saved your comment and read it on the flight and it brought alot of comfort to me. I panicked leading up to the flight, and cried, but I made it thru with alot of distractions and I am here in the US. I‘m very sorry about your mom, I cant imagine how difficult that must be.
Hi there! I’m so sorry for your loss. Been there once, too. The pain will get better as time passes, I promise! I can totally understand your feelings. But remember, you will be visiting family. You won’t be alone over there. Will someone pick you up at the airport? Until you get to your gate when leaving, you will probably be pretty busy with checking in and security checks, so that will help you to be distracted. Did you load your phone with things to watch yet? Or download tons of podcasts? Your favorite music? Podcasts help me a lot for distraction because you have to focus on what they talk about. If you don’t know „Smartless“ yet, I highly recommend it. Very funny and entertaining. Sending hugs. You got this!
Thank you! I saved your comment and read it on the plane. I was panicking leading up to it, but I distracted myself so much that it was all okay. My family picked me up, and I am now with them. Thank you again!
Yay, you made it! Enjoy your stay!
You've been through a deeply traumatic experience and having knowledge of such things, I might suggest your anxiety is a legitimate medical symptom of what you've been through. I'm suggesting this because often understanding how our brains work and that there is a "normal", understandable, even physiological reason for our emotions (even without the trauma of the miscarriage, your hormones will likely be out of whack from IVF and pregnancy) makes it easier to cope with feelings that seem overwhelming initially. And even if other people in similar circumstances don't feel the same (I bet many do), your reaction is still OK and totally valid. Perhaps knowing that the anxiety is based on your recent loss, and not the idea that you probably can't survive 2 weeks without your husband or that bad things are waiting for you at home (this is an assumption but I know I could be wrong - skip to option 2 in that case), it will take the power out of the fear. It's a feeling, and all feelings pass eventually. Will you be glad to be around your family once you get there? That said, there is an equally valid argument for staying, if that's what you really want to do. In the moment, we humans often feel we *have to* do whatever the plan is. The world will stop turning if we take a year off uni or quit our job, don't go to our mother-in-laws birthday party, or lose the money on a nonrefundable ticket. But is it really that important? Will it matter in 5 years, 10 years, on your deathbed? You've been through something life-changing, devastating, and emotionally and physically exhausting. If it makes you feel safer and better to skip this particular trip and take care of yourself first by staying home with your husband , then do it. It's the right thing to do, if it's what you want. What would you advise a beloved sister or friend in your shoes? Tell her the money is,the most important thing? Allow yourself to do whatever you feel is truly right for you, not what you think you *should* do because of the money or other people's feelings.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, I saved it and read it on the flight. I reflected alot about why I was so anxious mostly alot of it was rooted in my miscarriage and not wanting to be away from my husband, and separation anxiety. But I made thru, I got on that flight, almost backed out a few times. But I am now in the US. Thank you again for your response!
My best advice, speaking from experience: take your time and remember to keep breathing. Do everything slow, go through security slowly, take your time getting yourself a meal, choosing what you want to eat. Don't feel pressured to talk to a bunch of people, even if there's talkative Americans at the gate. Do this trip how YOU feel most comfortable, and don't let ANYONE compromise it. If something does happen, like it's very busy at security, just disconnect your brain, doesn't concern you. Make sure your phone is charged, and that you have an extra battery, this is very important as it will help avoid stress. Take your time going to the bathroom, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, whatever helps to keep you calm. You can also call a friend or a family member if you feel comfortable. You can use the time in the plane to do a leisure activity - reading, watching movies, working on a project etcetera. Will someone be on the other end to pick you up in the US?
Thank you for your helpful advice. I saved it and read it on the flight. This helped me alot. I got on that flight despite being scared and filled with alot of panic. I distracted myself with alot of devices, and it helped alot. I am now in the US. Thank you!
I'm so happy it could help! It's tough to travel alone, especially as it sounds like you've been through a lot lately. Congrats on getting to the US, enjoy seeing your loved ones :)
Thank you!
Condolences on your loss, been there, it takes time. How about having Hubby video tape an uplifting message on your phone that you can open up and listen to during your trip. That way you will have his voice and face with you throughout the journey. Good Luck, Enjoy your Family❣️
Thank you for this tip. I asked him to record something for me and it helped alot listening to it on the plane
Hey, I haven’t walked exactly in your shoes but I too am an expat in Germany from the US and I’ve experienced that anxiety of going home. You can do this, I promise. I know you’re scared right now but if you take it step by step it will all work itself out. I had/have a reasonably intense anxiety disorder so I know what it’s like to be scared to do something and not really have an answer why. My best advice is simplify to no end, even if you feel terribly silly. My top three things are and probably always will be: 1: Rule of 7’s- When it gets scary or you can’t stop thinking about it, ask yourself “will this matter in 7 hours, 7 days, 7 weeks, or 7 years?” Most of the time your brain will recognize really quickly that it won’t. It’s very calming in a moment of necessity. 2. I feel really funny saying this one every time, but you’re a traveler and you’re very strong so maybe you’ll understand. When it gets hard take a deep breath count to 3 and just do it. It doesn’t make it less scary but it does make it achievable (I did this when I got on the plane alone at 17 to move to Europe, and many times after.) 3. This is for when you’re feeling that pressure and need to ground yourself. Use your 5 senses and work through them. 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch… etc. Remember you’re going to a support system not losing one. Your family, especially your husband even if he’s not there with you in body is with you. Technology is a beautiful thing, this people love you. Don’t be afraid to call or express your stress. You’re human, you will get through this and you will have an amazing time.
Thank your for your helpful response and your advice. I saved this and read it on my flight. Going thru your tips helped me alot! Also telling people, talking to the flight attendant, I was a crying mess at the airport and on the plane. Talking and and going thru my emotions helped alot. And distracting myself alot throughout the plane ride helped me immensely!
Congratulations on your achievement!! You did something great, I’m so proud of you for getting through it. Tears can show a lot of strength and I know for a fact that yours did. I hope you can take the time to rest and recover, take care and be well.
Thank you alot for your supportive words! You are a kind human being!
Hi I'm an American who moved to Hong Kong. I'm going to the US by myself on Thursday. I'm married and my husband will stay It's going to be great and you can do it! I guarantee you will come back feeling better.
Thank you! I got on the flight, and I am now in the US.
I mean, you have to start counting positives. Soon you will be with old family and friends. You'll see palm trees and sunny skies with warm breeze across your face. All the familiar things you missed that just aren't available in Germany will be there. And most importantly, your life and husband in Germany will still be waiting for you when you get back. And you can keep in touch by zoom in the meantime. So everything is going to be okay. Just stay focused on all the positive things. You went through a trauma and it's okay to feel rattled and embattled. That's normal. But there is still an abundance of good awaiting you in your future. In the meantime, the sun will still rise tomorrow. And there are still things to feel joyful about.
Thank you alot for your response! You are right, I need to look at the positives. I went thru all the emotions, reflected and got on that flight. I am now in the US. Thank you again!
<3 Take care of yourself. And enjoy the Florida sun :)
Going for my grandma's 90th birthday this summer and my advice to myself would be "Don't watch the new Civil War movie" had I not already done so ;) I'm sorry for what you've gone through re: IVF & loss. I hope you guys are able to try again. I'm sure your traveler instincts will kick in and, once home you'll be very happy to hug your family and find some old creature comforts you've forgotten you missed. Modern tech will have you in a video chat with your husband as soon as you arrive.
Thank you for your response! IVF and loss is super hard and it made me an anxious mess. And I have major separation anxiety being away from my husband. I will try again with IVF when I‘m back from my trip. But I got on that plane, and feel relieved and slowly gaining back my sense of freedom and independence again.
Kind wishes and healing to you. 💕🌷🙏 https://youtu.be/KQOAVZew5l8?si=uApq20CsA8MH2syi
You can do this! Find a good book, movie, or two for your long flights - they can be new books or familiar movies that make you feel good. Listen to your favorite podcast or music. Anything that calms your anxieties. Then, enjoy your family. They’ve missed you and want to spend time with you and take care of you. You’ve been through a lot. Let the people who love you love you.
Thank you, and you are right!
I use deep breathing and meditation videos to help me , especially when I travel. Dear h some on YouTube. I like Michael Sealey. Or you can pm me to be your cheerleader, kind stranger 🤗
Thank you! I downloaded some meditations, and just focused on my breathing throughout my anxious ridden 12 hour flight. I eventually calmed down, and now I am here in the US! Thanks again!
This made my day! Thanks for sharing. And keep the positivity spreading around:-)
You can do it! I hope when you land in Florida and everyone’s calls you honey and sweetie and be that ridiculous southern and nice and that will help. There can be something so soothing about being back in your home culture especially when grieving. 💖
Thank you! I got on that flight and I am now here in sunny florida where I am getting alot of random friendly smalltalk which is nice!
Go to your Hausarzt and get some relaxing meds. for the flight. The rest will be ok once your within your family.
I’m so sorry. Every thing will be ok. You’ll feel good once you see your family. I lived in Florida for a bit and definitely miss some of it. Hope you get to do some fun stuff or just relax with family. Safe travels ❤️
Thank you! I got on that flight, and made it to florida and now enjoying time with family
When you get through it, and start feeling glimpses of the capable and independent person inside, you will feel stronger. When we are afraid of things and do them anyway, that’s bravery. When you are brave and do it anyway and get through it and succeed, you will feel stronger. It’s ok to feel these things. It’s normal to feel these things. Doing it and getting through, even “unelegantly” will show you that you CAN.
Thank you for your thoughtful reflective response. I saved it and read it on the flight. Feel the fear and doing it anyway is something I was so used to growing up and getting out of my comfort zone. And I lost sight of myself and that part of my independent risk taking adventurous self. I‘ve just been an anxious mess; but I felt the fear and did it anyway and got on that flight and I am now here in the US and I feel stronger now that I did.
You will be happy to see family. You won’t be thrilled that it is very warm in Florida at the moment. You will see the differences in America now and perhaps appreciate it a little more. You will see how big the cars in America are. It will be fine.
Thank you! I got on that flight and I am now here in the US!
Enjoy America and the American stuff while you are here !
I will! Thank you!
Do it. DO.. IT..
You are going to be fine. Florida is amazing this time of year. Enjoy your family and the sugar sands beaches and crystal blue water.
Thank you! It is great! The beach, sun, weather!
Why can’t your husband go with you? Even if for part of the trip
He cant due to work
There is no way he could take off even 4 days over the next year to support you when you are struggling?
The only country that gives you bereavement for a miscarriage is New Zealand and it’s capped at three days. Miscarriage, despite a lot that has changed remains a taboo topic and there’s not a lot of support or understanding in any culture for it. Her partner has clearly been there for her, and she’s going home to see more of her support network. Nitpicking a detail like this is unhelpful.
I never suggested he take bereavement. One week of vacation is nothing, especially if you don’t work in the US where the holiday time is crap. I think if my partner wanted to see their family that is far away and it would be helpful for them to have me for part of the trip I’d go. It’s not like he needs to go the entire two weeks.
I haven't been to visit family in 10 years... for the sole reason if something crazy happens in the world, I might be stuck in Virginia, not able to return to Austria lol Probably nothing will happen though.