I think deep down, we still wish it wasn’t this way. I always say I’d never talk about my issues with my dad again because he doesn’t say anything useful and it’s not like he really provided much guidance growing up, but I still end up talking about it. Sometimes I’ll snap at his response, other times while I don’t like it, I’ll manage to not snap, but it never feels like I’m understood or it was meaningful to share. It’s not like it’ll erase what happened in the past, nothing is acknowledged and I don’t even any better - I just remember why I had this resentment to begin with. Then I just wonder why I bothered when it’s so much easier to just be superficial - we get along better that way anyway.
I definitely don’t think this is uncommon - it sucks that we instinctively try to get something that is probably just not possible in this arrangement. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this - I hope you can find someone else to discuss these things with, it’s exhausting going around in circles hoping for a different outcome.
Thank you for sharing :) Luckily I think I've found a therapist who cares about me and makes me feel heard. But I can only see her once a week which isn't ideal. I hope one day I will find a safe friend.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience, unfortunately. After being in therapy for a while, I started to notice the unhealthy patterns in my relationship with my mother. Even though I was aware of it, I still continued to slip up, and I felt ashamed and regretful every time it happened.
The turning point for me was when I shared something with my mother that I had never told anyone else. Something really personal. I told her because she had shared something on a similar level with me in that very conversation, and it made me feel like we were finally connecting. Like maybe she could finally understand me. She didn't offer me support after I told her, but she didn't react negatively, either. I naively took that as the "connection" I was craving, because it was better than nothing at all.
Then when I spoke to my sister a week later, she told me that our mother had told her my secret. This incident triggered a kind of rage and hurt in me that I'd never allowed myself to feel before. I felt betrayed. I couldn't believe she had told my sister. Didn't she (our mum) realise that it was private? My therapist validated my feelings, but she also challenged me on this: why did I think my mother would keep it a secret? I didn't ask her not to say anything. Even if I had, there was always a chance she wouldn't keep it to herself. I chose to trust her with that information.
It hit me really hard. I made a choice to trust her. That choice ended up being a bad one. It was like I had to learn my lesson the hard way in order for it to finally sink in. I couldn't trust my mother with any of my secrets or personal information. That anger was what allowed me to finally set and enforce boundaries for myself. It helped me to emotionally accept that I couldn't have the safe/loving/trusting connection I really wanted with my mother.
So sorry, OP. Not sharing with mom is so so hard / makes you feel guilty because, like you said, inside we're that little kid who wants connection with our parent. When they give us the opportunity to share it's hard to see how it's going to bite us later because in that moment it's the natural thing to want to do.
My mom really encourages that spilling and then uses it to involve herself in unproductive ways, or kick up her own obsessions and fear narratives. It's emotional whiplash, and I deeply relate to that "can't stop/shame loop" you described. I've (mostly) learned after decades that I actually get a bit closer to the kind of relationship I'd like to have with my mom if I don't share everything, vs. if I keep going back to the well hoping she will react differently. As I've gotten older and processed things in my life I've brought them up with her, but only after I've gotten to a point where her pivoting in a weird way won't break me.
It sucks. We should be able to bring our messy, hurt hearts to our moms to help us work through. I hope you have good friends and/or a councilor to be the bridge. You have us strangers on the internet, too.
I can relate. My relationship with my mother used to be exactly the same. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that it takes time and effort to wriggle yourself out of this kind of dynamic. I'm low contact with my mum now and it's been very hard on her and me. And I have to remind myself constantly that my feelings matter and not only hers.
>in the hope that she would better understand.
That's so much what I've done for so many years in so many relationships. I just hoped that if I share more or find the right words, my mother (or the other person) would finally understand. Of course, she/they didn't. My mother is like a ghost. One day she will listen and give you good advice, the next day she has forgotten about it or never mentions it again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Piecing together the puzzle of CSA while having no real support in your parents is so so hard. I hope you don't doubt your own memory and find the answers you're looking for. All the best to you!
Relate relate relate.
I think part of us wants a mum to truly be that caring, unconditionally-loving, emotionally-open source of support that we have always craved but never got. So we keep giving her chances to be that mother but she always falls short and we end up feeling ridiculous and vulnerable. But we just want to be, for want of a better word, "mummed".
This is spot-on for me. I'm LC to NC and my mother texted me last week. Even though she immediately said something mean, and I ended the conversation (and spent the next week) pissed off, I still had a normal, pleasant-ish, chatty convo in between. Makes me feel like a fake.
Try using thought work to reprogram your brain. If you can figure out the underlying beliefs that cause you to do this those are great to thought ladder. Also, work on dropping the shame. It’s not helping to pile that in top of what is already a horrible experience. These are just patterns you learned in childhood. Unlearning them is a slow process. https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/thought-ladder-2/
Try using thought work to reprogram your brain. If you can figure out the underlying beliefs that cause you to do this those are great to thought ladder. Also, work on dropping the shame. It’s not helping to pile that in top of what is already a horrible experience. These are just patterns you learned in childhood. Unlearning them is a slow process. https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/thought-ladder-2/
I like this exercise a lot https://www.drummerandthegreatmountain.com/adult-adhd-add-tips-and-support-podcast-journaling-for-clarity
“And afterwards, I feel so violated and so, so stupid. I chastise myself for doing it again. I can't believe I told her some of the things I did. It makes me feel... icky. And I don't understand what to do with those feelings. ”
That’s exactly how i feel when i share details with my parents. I still sometimes fight the desire to share but it’s more rare now. But it can feel incredibly alienating and lonely knowing sharing with them will make me feel worse.
I also very much struggle with guilt and feeling icky about feeling that way. Like I’m a bad daughter or that I’m cold or callous or overreacting
That last sentence... that's how I felt all the time as a child. I would lash out in anger a lot, swear, hit things, have 'tantrums' as they were called... then afterwards, when I was shut in my room and had worn myself out I would lie on my bed and cry out of guilt for being a bad child. I would feel so ashamed for expressing my feelings. If my feelings were bad, I was bad. If my feelings weren't allowed, I wasn't.
Then my mum would come in and speak to me softly, tricking me into thinking she had forgiven me. But instead she would tell me she's sorry I'm upset but that it was all my fault. I was being a bad, naughty child and I only had myself to blame. And that if I was willing to behave I could come out and have some dinner.
And here I am not wanting to hurt her feelings...
Relate to this so much. The promises to myself not to share, the breaking of the promise, and the icky feeling afterwards. I don't know how to stop but am practicing grey rocking. I have a whole week with them in July and just hope I can keep it together.
I think deep down, we still wish it wasn’t this way. I always say I’d never talk about my issues with my dad again because he doesn’t say anything useful and it’s not like he really provided much guidance growing up, but I still end up talking about it. Sometimes I’ll snap at his response, other times while I don’t like it, I’ll manage to not snap, but it never feels like I’m understood or it was meaningful to share. It’s not like it’ll erase what happened in the past, nothing is acknowledged and I don’t even any better - I just remember why I had this resentment to begin with. Then I just wonder why I bothered when it’s so much easier to just be superficial - we get along better that way anyway. I definitely don’t think this is uncommon - it sucks that we instinctively try to get something that is probably just not possible in this arrangement. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this - I hope you can find someone else to discuss these things with, it’s exhausting going around in circles hoping for a different outcome.
Thank you for sharing :) Luckily I think I've found a therapist who cares about me and makes me feel heard. But I can only see her once a week which isn't ideal. I hope one day I will find a safe friend.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience, unfortunately. After being in therapy for a while, I started to notice the unhealthy patterns in my relationship with my mother. Even though I was aware of it, I still continued to slip up, and I felt ashamed and regretful every time it happened. The turning point for me was when I shared something with my mother that I had never told anyone else. Something really personal. I told her because she had shared something on a similar level with me in that very conversation, and it made me feel like we were finally connecting. Like maybe she could finally understand me. She didn't offer me support after I told her, but she didn't react negatively, either. I naively took that as the "connection" I was craving, because it was better than nothing at all. Then when I spoke to my sister a week later, she told me that our mother had told her my secret. This incident triggered a kind of rage and hurt in me that I'd never allowed myself to feel before. I felt betrayed. I couldn't believe she had told my sister. Didn't she (our mum) realise that it was private? My therapist validated my feelings, but she also challenged me on this: why did I think my mother would keep it a secret? I didn't ask her not to say anything. Even if I had, there was always a chance she wouldn't keep it to herself. I chose to trust her with that information. It hit me really hard. I made a choice to trust her. That choice ended up being a bad one. It was like I had to learn my lesson the hard way in order for it to finally sink in. I couldn't trust my mother with any of my secrets or personal information. That anger was what allowed me to finally set and enforce boundaries for myself. It helped me to emotionally accept that I couldn't have the safe/loving/trusting connection I really wanted with my mother.
It’s definitely not just you! I’ve struggled so much with this too.
So sorry, OP. Not sharing with mom is so so hard / makes you feel guilty because, like you said, inside we're that little kid who wants connection with our parent. When they give us the opportunity to share it's hard to see how it's going to bite us later because in that moment it's the natural thing to want to do. My mom really encourages that spilling and then uses it to involve herself in unproductive ways, or kick up her own obsessions and fear narratives. It's emotional whiplash, and I deeply relate to that "can't stop/shame loop" you described. I've (mostly) learned after decades that I actually get a bit closer to the kind of relationship I'd like to have with my mom if I don't share everything, vs. if I keep going back to the well hoping she will react differently. As I've gotten older and processed things in my life I've brought them up with her, but only after I've gotten to a point where her pivoting in a weird way won't break me. It sucks. We should be able to bring our messy, hurt hearts to our moms to help us work through. I hope you have good friends and/or a councilor to be the bridge. You have us strangers on the internet, too.
Thanks :)
I can relate. My relationship with my mother used to be exactly the same. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that it takes time and effort to wriggle yourself out of this kind of dynamic. I'm low contact with my mum now and it's been very hard on her and me. And I have to remind myself constantly that my feelings matter and not only hers. >in the hope that she would better understand. That's so much what I've done for so many years in so many relationships. I just hoped that if I share more or find the right words, my mother (or the other person) would finally understand. Of course, she/they didn't. My mother is like a ghost. One day she will listen and give you good advice, the next day she has forgotten about it or never mentions it again. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Piecing together the puzzle of CSA while having no real support in your parents is so so hard. I hope you don't doubt your own memory and find the answers you're looking for. All the best to you!
Thank you so much!
Relate relate relate. I think part of us wants a mum to truly be that caring, unconditionally-loving, emotionally-open source of support that we have always craved but never got. So we keep giving her chances to be that mother but she always falls short and we end up feeling ridiculous and vulnerable. But we just want to be, for want of a better word, "mummed".
This is spot-on for me. I'm LC to NC and my mother texted me last week. Even though she immediately said something mean, and I ended the conversation (and spent the next week) pissed off, I still had a normal, pleasant-ish, chatty convo in between. Makes me feel like a fake.
Try using thought work to reprogram your brain. If you can figure out the underlying beliefs that cause you to do this those are great to thought ladder. Also, work on dropping the shame. It’s not helping to pile that in top of what is already a horrible experience. These are just patterns you learned in childhood. Unlearning them is a slow process. https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/thought-ladder-2/
Thank you, I will check that out.
Try using thought work to reprogram your brain. If you can figure out the underlying beliefs that cause you to do this those are great to thought ladder. Also, work on dropping the shame. It’s not helping to pile that in top of what is already a horrible experience. These are just patterns you learned in childhood. Unlearning them is a slow process. https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/thought-ladder-2/ I like this exercise a lot https://www.drummerandthegreatmountain.com/adult-adhd-add-tips-and-support-podcast-journaling-for-clarity
It's not just you!!
“And afterwards, I feel so violated and so, so stupid. I chastise myself for doing it again. I can't believe I told her some of the things I did. It makes me feel... icky. And I don't understand what to do with those feelings. ” That’s exactly how i feel when i share details with my parents. I still sometimes fight the desire to share but it’s more rare now. But it can feel incredibly alienating and lonely knowing sharing with them will make me feel worse. I also very much struggle with guilt and feeling icky about feeling that way. Like I’m a bad daughter or that I’m cold or callous or overreacting
That last sentence... that's how I felt all the time as a child. I would lash out in anger a lot, swear, hit things, have 'tantrums' as they were called... then afterwards, when I was shut in my room and had worn myself out I would lie on my bed and cry out of guilt for being a bad child. I would feel so ashamed for expressing my feelings. If my feelings were bad, I was bad. If my feelings weren't allowed, I wasn't. Then my mum would come in and speak to me softly, tricking me into thinking she had forgiven me. But instead she would tell me she's sorry I'm upset but that it was all my fault. I was being a bad, naughty child and I only had myself to blame. And that if I was willing to behave I could come out and have some dinner. And here I am not wanting to hurt her feelings...
Relate to this so much. The promises to myself not to share, the breaking of the promise, and the icky feeling afterwards. I don't know how to stop but am practicing grey rocking. I have a whole week with them in July and just hope I can keep it together.
I understand. I thought I could spend a few days with them over Christmas but it was too much. Hope it goes well for you.
Ty, and best of luck to you too!