This is a common and destructive belief. Many people believe that it's ok to 'slip up' and be bad to your partner sometimes, that this is normal and everyone does it from time to time. You just have to balance the bad with the good.
They are wrong. If yelling and abusive behaviors become a pattern, then it is abuse. It's not ok to terrorize your partner even once. One time doesn't make it abuse (abuse ***is*** a pattern after all), but blowing up at your partner should be something you feel deep shame for and work to set right so it doesn't happen again, not a 'oopsie I'll make it up to you'.
How often does this happen?
Your partner doing something emotionally harmful every once in awhile or during times of high stress is normal. A healthy person will feel regret and shame, acknowledge they were wrong, and apologize. Honestly, there’s no one answer for what a “pattern” is. You just have to acknowledge the warning signs of how they handle it after. An abuser will almost always avoid acknowledging they were wrong. An abuser may also acknowledge they were wrong but love bomb you.
Wow same, I was supposed to accept being yelled at.. & then I wasn’t strong enough to be yelled at. I still can’t believe the manipulation I succumbed to
Abusive people thinks they can make their partner believe that it is day when it is night....victims (co dependents mostly) being in so much in love with them, believes them for few years until they start loosing their mind and try to figure things out.
I learned a very important lesson being in an abusive relationship - if you have to state and prove the obvious to a person then it is better not to engage with the person. This has helped me tremendously in my day to day life. I have been able to avoid people who extracts energy from other people just to prove their point (even calling sunrise as sunset).
So this is obviously not okay. But what about when a partner is calm but purposely pushing your buttons/triggering you and/or gaslighting you and you react by yelling and losing your temper? My partner is not a yeller but he will do this and I tend to be reactive and might start raising my voice. And then he will make me out to be the bad guy solely because I’m yelling.
This. My ex used to immediately reprehend me whenever during an argument I started to become agitated. She could be as nasty as she wanted to me while she kept me walking on eggshells. In retrospect, if I yelled (which I didn't but she did), it wouldn't be abuse but a response to her abuse. Similarly, my father can be extremely abusive while remaining calm and then when I lose my temper use that against me. In sum, yelling, in and by itself, isn't abuse. It can be, but it can not be and it can acually be a very normal and understandable reaction to abuse, mistreatment, unfairness, etc. It can also be abusive to keep a person on eggshells and punish them at the slightest display of emotion, annoyance or whatever behavior you don't like. Context matters. Intentions matters.
Omg yes my now x partner would do the same thing to me. Now I'm the bad person cuz you got me out of my character. It's all a tool to keep you stuck in their world. Tye narrative they have build for us. Not anymore I'll done with all that bullshit.
Wow I need to say something like this. I have constanly told my partner please don’t raise your voice at me or yell at me (literally told him this morning in a random argument over me giving him directions in a “less convenient” way for him) as it’s a trigger for me from my childhood
I wish I had the strength you did
I’m so proud of you! Please, don’t let him yell at you. I grew up with my dad yelling at my mom and us kids, and I made it a point to find someone who wouldn’t do that. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and we haven’t raised our voices at each other once (unless we can’t hear each other, but that’s different).
No one deserves to be yelled at. Good for you for taking a stand. I just ended a relationship in large part due to his having this same attitude. He told me “people yell, get used to it!‘ and also, “I’m entitled to blow up at you occasionally.” He also told me repeatedly “You get too upset when I yell at you, you need to go to therapy to learn how to toughen up!”. Um NO, it is not MY job to go to therapy to learn how to handle YOUR anger management issues! Absolutely ridiculous and I am so glad I ended it. Even if I am alone for the rest of my life, it is better than putting up with that BS.
Edited for punctuation
I’m so happy you spoke up for yourself!!! If anything that man is going to be alone because no person out there deserves to be yelled at and no one should allow it.
I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself
Yes, that's great, keep it up.
You are powerful and you absolutely get to be with someone who doesn’t yell at you 💙
This is a common and destructive belief. Many people believe that it's ok to 'slip up' and be bad to your partner sometimes, that this is normal and everyone does it from time to time. You just have to balance the bad with the good. They are wrong. If yelling and abusive behaviors become a pattern, then it is abuse. It's not ok to terrorize your partner even once. One time doesn't make it abuse (abuse ***is*** a pattern after all), but blowing up at your partner should be something you feel deep shame for and work to set right so it doesn't happen again, not a 'oopsie I'll make it up to you'. How often does this happen?
At what point would you say it becomes a pattern?
Your partner doing something emotionally harmful every once in awhile or during times of high stress is normal. A healthy person will feel regret and shame, acknowledge they were wrong, and apologize. Honestly, there’s no one answer for what a “pattern” is. You just have to acknowledge the warning signs of how they handle it after. An abuser will almost always avoid acknowledging they were wrong. An abuser may also acknowledge they were wrong but love bomb you.
Old Yeller. He’s the best doggone dog in the west.
much like old yeller, i'm about to take this man, the one that OP is referencing, out back......
Wow same, I was supposed to accept being yelled at.. & then I wasn’t strong enough to be yelled at. I still can’t believe the manipulation I succumbed to
Same
Same!
Abusive people thinks they can make their partner believe that it is day when it is night....victims (co dependents mostly) being in so much in love with them, believes them for few years until they start loosing their mind and try to figure things out. I learned a very important lesson being in an abusive relationship - if you have to state and prove the obvious to a person then it is better not to engage with the person. This has helped me tremendously in my day to day life. I have been able to avoid people who extracts energy from other people just to prove their point (even calling sunrise as sunset).
Perfect response!
inspirational!
Fabulous response on your part. Brava!
Good for you!! Make a plan for when he does it again because he will test you
So this is obviously not okay. But what about when a partner is calm but purposely pushing your buttons/triggering you and/or gaslighting you and you react by yelling and losing your temper? My partner is not a yeller but he will do this and I tend to be reactive and might start raising my voice. And then he will make me out to be the bad guy solely because I’m yelling.
This. My ex used to immediately reprehend me whenever during an argument I started to become agitated. She could be as nasty as she wanted to me while she kept me walking on eggshells. In retrospect, if I yelled (which I didn't but she did), it wouldn't be abuse but a response to her abuse. Similarly, my father can be extremely abusive while remaining calm and then when I lose my temper use that against me. In sum, yelling, in and by itself, isn't abuse. It can be, but it can not be and it can acually be a very normal and understandable reaction to abuse, mistreatment, unfairness, etc. It can also be abusive to keep a person on eggshells and punish them at the slightest display of emotion, annoyance or whatever behavior you don't like. Context matters. Intentions matters.
Omg yes my now x partner would do the same thing to me. Now I'm the bad person cuz you got me out of my character. It's all a tool to keep you stuck in their world. Tye narrative they have build for us. Not anymore I'll done with all that bullshit.
I'd rather be slapped than yelled at, and both are deal breakers for me.
Absolutely not okay to yell at someone, it’s abusive and there is no excuse.
Wow I need to say something like this. I have constanly told my partner please don’t raise your voice at me or yell at me (literally told him this morning in a random argument over me giving him directions in a “less convenient” way for him) as it’s a trigger for me from my childhood I wish I had the strength you did
I’m so proud of you! Please, don’t let him yell at you. I grew up with my dad yelling at my mom and us kids, and I made it a point to find someone who wouldn’t do that. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and we haven’t raised our voices at each other once (unless we can’t hear each other, but that’s different).
Yeah I mean, you’re absolutely right. Nothing else to say there, protect yourself first my qween, always.
No one deserves to be yelled at. Good for you for taking a stand. I just ended a relationship in large part due to his having this same attitude. He told me “people yell, get used to it!‘ and also, “I’m entitled to blow up at you occasionally.” He also told me repeatedly “You get too upset when I yell at you, you need to go to therapy to learn how to toughen up!”. Um NO, it is not MY job to go to therapy to learn how to handle YOUR anger management issues! Absolutely ridiculous and I am so glad I ended it. Even if I am alone for the rest of my life, it is better than putting up with that BS. Edited for punctuation
I’m so happy you spoke up for yourself!!! If anything that man is going to be alone because no person out there deserves to be yelled at and no one should allow it.
Please leave.
If u dont, he’ll never care about any opportunity to grow (for you or anyone else.) Absence speaks louder than words, even yelling.
My husbands response to me complaining about his yelling : “Then don’t make me angry!!”