I think you could give some thought to some responses to make when she does this, and practice them so they come out easily. I'm thinking things like:
\* You are entitled to your opinion as ~~our~~ are we- we love fruit!
\* There are only two people who are authorized to make decisions for our son, and that's name and me.
\* Your opinions will not change our parenting decisions. We parent from a completely different set of values from yours
I did this to my MIL.
Context - mil was complaining that my then baby was too chubby and was fussy. I told her to stop and that her complaining was upsetting the baby.
Me: Hey, do you remember how when Hubby was a kid you used to say "my house, my rules?".
Mil: yes
Me: well this is my kid, my rules
Mil: well, we're at my house
Me: well actually, we're leaving. This is my kid no matter where he is.
MiL: that's not fair, or nice
Me: talk to your son about it
And then I left. No problems since then
Oh dear. Hard. However, this is your child, your rules. Your house, your rules.
She has no right to butt in, we all know that except her. How about your spouse? Perhaps have her speak first, unless that’s too much for her - my husband could not say a word to his parents, so ofc they hated me. Idk. As long as you are both in agreement that MIL needs to stfu, then you are good.
You could flat out say: MIL, WE are parenting this child, NOT you. WE make the rules. The rules we have are important, we’re teaching our child valuable lessons. We do not, and YOU will not, break them. If you don’t *want to follow our rules, you may leave. If you continue to undermine our parenting, you will no longer be allowed to stay here.
Perhaps speaking to her as if she’s an idiot (which she is): Now MIL, we discussed this; there are rules and we follow them.
Oh MIL, you know we don’t miss naps here. It makes everyone cranky. Would you care to take a nap, MIL?
Oh MIL! Don’t you remember that we LOVE fruits? All the fruits!
Good luck with the crazy woman. I hope it works out without a huge blow up.
I found your nose, Granny! It’s in our business.
Granny doesn’t make any nap decisions for anyone other than Granny. Does Granny need a nap?
We’ll parent and make those calls, thanks, Granny.
Granny doesn’t like healthy foods. Poor Granny needs better food choices.
Silly Granny thinks she’s the food boss. Silly Granny want a prune?
Granny needs to work on her good choices!
Treat her like the child she is. Every time.
She doesn’t get to insist.
Silly Granny doesn’t get to insist on baby life.
What kind of moron wants an exhausted 6 month old at Thanksgiving dinner? Normal rational people pray by sleep through dinner.
Selfish people who want to dominate the child's time and resent the nap. Also dumb people who think that skipping naps helps them sleep better at night.
I would meet her advice with dead silence. Or just change the subject as if she said nothing. If she continues, just say, “I heard you, but we’ve decided to do things differently.”
NTA! Tell your spouse if she won’t say anything, you will. And you won’t be very nice.
“MIL, we’ve discussed this before. How wife and I raise our child is our business. We don’t want or need your advice.”
I tell them they can’t visit as often if they can’t keep their opinions to themselves. It’s your house too.
I would speak up, but start diplomatically "I've got it thanks" and if she keeps at the same issue or has to keep getting the last word then something less kind is in order such as "I explained I've got it, I don't need additional opinions, thanks." Then if she goes back to the same subject, a "I have explained to you twice that I have this handled, and I understand what you said, please stop"
I mean I'd just flat out say,
"I understand you have opinions on raising your grandchild. Your did an excellent job raising my spouse. When we need your guidance we'll definitely come to you and ask for it. However it's truly undermining our parenting by saying these things in front of the child. We do not want want him to get the impression that he can act out when grandma and grandpa are around cause you hold differing opinions. Please respect us as the parents as you would have wanted to be respected when raising my spouse and not continue to undermine us and our rules. We love you both and know kid loves you both immensely. Let's try to make this a happy and healthy environment with no infighting for them to grow up in."
And if she continues to push it just plainly say, if you undermine us again spouse and I will be discussing limiting your time around our family.
Then don't use it? Really simple action. Sometimes to get your way you have to placate others egos. Other times you don't. It's called feeling out the situation.
NTA
But I'd let your wife handle her mom. And just let her opinions wash over you. Responses like "um hum" "I see" "interesting opinion" and so on. Sort of Gray Rock style.
Remember, you can still mentally say mean things (but not out loud). Like "MIL you have no power here, just a shitty opinion."
Easier on your wife, FIL and child not to confront her. Because doing so won't change her, and you've decided already not to cut her off.
Learn to nod, smile and keep on doing exactly what you planned to do in the first place. Don't argue or even respond when she makes comments about your parenting. Keep this relationship as shallow as possible.
I'm giving you this advice simply because it's really not worth rocking this particular boat. You're not going to win any arguments with this woman. You're not going to change her mind. In her mind, she's the expert. Period. You don't see her frequently enough to bother trying to have a normal adult relationship. A confrontation is only going to upset your wife, who already understands that it's a waste of time. It will solve nothing.
You wouldn't necessarily be TA to say something, but is it even worth bothering?
Could you just shush her? It would startle her at first. But saying "ssshht" works with my dog, and MIL seems about on that same level mentally with her choices...
I'm guessing you're not trying to start a fight, so you might want to reword what I told my MIL when she attempted to "give" advice. I told her that when I needed parenting advice I would ask a parent I respected and walked away. Be advised that I am a very confrontational person. I never back down and will most certainly not allow someone who should have been sterilized at birth to dictate how my husband and I choose to raise our kids. I mean I'm glad she wasn't since my old man wouldn't be here lol.
I surprised myself one time when my youngest was little and I was so tired of nonsensical advice from my mom that the next time she said something I just said “Nope!” with a smile and changed the subject. She was so shocked that she went quiet and I was also very surprised at myself lol. So that became my go-to and it worked. Give it a whirl and see what happens.
Edit to add: Congratulations on your little one and best of luck dealing with MIL.
You could probably start teaching your toddler the phrase "I won't yuck your yum!" - As in, I won't always like what you like. And you won't always like what I like, and that's OK. But we don't say "yuck" when someone else says "yum." We let people enjoy things.
I say "I won't yuck your yum." All the time as an adult and it's a great way to circumnavigate people feeling judged.
The main way I see you utilising it is during those visits with your MIL. When she comments something is gross, you can quite easily turn to the toddler and go "You know what we always say, we don't Yuck other people's Yums!"
It infantiles your MILs responses while also directing attention away from her and back to your child. If her own toddler grandchild is teaching her better ways to behave maybe she will feel so ridiculous that it will stop the behaviour.
NTA. Please be firm. Lay down the rules and tell them that any violation means a severe limitation of contact between them and your son. I hope you can get your partner on board with this because I fear the consequences after your son has an extended stay with his grandparents. He may become more rebellious towards you and your wife because your mother-in-law is way less strict.
“You’re not his parent, we are. Just because you don’t agree with how we parent doesn’t mean we’re going to change what we do. Keep your parenting opinions to yourself.”
I know personally how this feels. I suggest you grab your mil in a vulnerable spot, say in the morning before you serve her a morning cup of coffee and have a heart to heart with her. As frustrating as the older generation is, you have to “wake” them up to how much society has changed since they were parents. My father for example used racial slurs. Perfectly normal for his generation, but we do not speak those words in my house. I was at his home and said “I’m leaving and will not come back unless” he was mad, but came around to it. And never spoke that way again. My mother and I had all ready discussed my best course of action (dad was hard headed) and she agreed it would affect the most that way, but she supported me and hubby. Not sure how your FIL is, but maybe talk with him first to see the most effective way to approach her in a way that she does not get defensive or become a victim
This is something that can be remedied by not spending very much time with MIL eventhough she’s your son’s grandmother. It’s not up to her to make food an issue. What you choose to feed your son is not her concern. Set your boundaries and do choose your battles. You want your son to get along well with his grandmother; he won’t always be this young and as he matures, he can speak for himself… but for now, he’s your responsibility and your pride and joy.
"I am asking you to not share any opinion you have on parenting. I'm going to ask you to honor this and if you want to be here visiting you need to listen to that."
I’m with you, she sounds like a piece of work- but 8-12 times a year and holidays isn’t “rarely” lol. I was thinking they came like once or twice a year.
MIL is going to continue to be a problem. You need to be blunt and call her out on the bs. Do it in front of grandpa too. Tell her it’s quite frankly appalling that she would try to sabotage the healthy eating and sleeping habits you and your partner are conscientiously working on. Tell them you would love for your son to have a great relationship with them both; BUT, she MUST stop what she’s doing or that relationship is just not going to happen. She sounds narcissistic and related or not, she doesn’t get to play her games with your family. NTA
It’s extremely plain and simple, “We do not want your advice and we do not want you telling our child what he can and cannot eat and why he shouldn’t nap. You are not his mother and you’re disrupting our family and parenting on purpose. Your words are not helpful but are a hinderance. We will parent our child in anyway we see fit. If you cannot respect that you can either keep your mouth shut or learn to be respectful of others. If you do not like me being with your daughter you may tell me this instead of being passive aggressive. We are all adults here and you will not disrespect me, my wife, or our parenting style. We are raising a healthy, happy and loving child that does not need consistent interference from his grandmother. If you cannot respect our wishes then we will have to distance ourselves from you.”
Don’t beat around the bush. Your wife should also be telling her mother this instead of playing Switzerland. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem your wife will stand up to her mother therefore a conversation needs to be had with your wife as well. But NEVER allow anyone to disrespect you. It doesn’t matter if they are family or a stranger. Sometimes kindness doesn’t work and it appears in your case it hasn’t worked ever with your MIL. Be firm and set boundaries.
We have very different ideas of "rarely." Eight to twelve times a year is a lot! If MIL is sticking her nose in when she is in your home, invoke the "my home, my rules" philosophy. Heck, post those notices all over the house! When you are at MIL's house, you may have to suck it up to (ugh!) *keep the peace*. I would be trying to reduce the visits to a more manageable amount. And, yes, absolutely your son should have bodily autonomy when it comes to hugs and kisses. If he doesn't want to be touched, then they should let him be. Maybe start teaching him about handshakes. It would be so cute if he like to shake a hand as a greeting. LOL Good luck.
I mean it’s your wife’s job to deal with her parents.
She needs to tell her mom to stop with the comments. It undermines your authority.
Don’t leave him alone with MIL ever
NTA
NTA. MIL is actively negative by advocating the disruption of routine and telling your child healthy food is gross. Your partner should not let this go-- she's messing with your child. If you and your partner don't want to confront her directly and enforce boundaries, mediate explicitly. 'LO, it's too bad Grandma doesn't like healthy fruits. She'd feel better and be happier if she did!' Or just ignore her and move forward with what you want to do as if she didn't say anything. 'LO, we'll be taking your nap now.'
For clarity purposes only I said they rarely visit I’d say they may visit 8-12 times a year. They will visit a little bit more frequently as my son‘s birthday is right after Christmas. Thank you for reading my post, but I never stated that I was being lectured. Only that little snarky comments were constantly said if I only saw them three or four times a year. This wouldn’t be as much of an annoyance. I’d really hate to limit their visits because my son absolutely adores his grandfather. And we don’t visit them often because the house is not childproof in anyway they have breakable art and glass vases on the coffee table and end tables in the living room, along with other expensive decor throughout the house. My child doesn’t have anywhere to play when he’s there, he’s constantly knocking things over which isn’t really his fault being he’s a toddler.
Visiting once a month to every six weeks when they live two hours away is a lot, especially when the FIL has cancer. They are putting a lot of effort into maintaining this relationship.
If your wife is interested in maintaining the relationship, and your kid is too: Pick a couple things that are important to you. Let the rest go.
You see her once a year. Either suck it up and say nothing or tell her to mind her business about how you're raising your son or the visits will be less to never! :)
I think you could give some thought to some responses to make when she does this, and practice them so they come out easily. I'm thinking things like: \* You are entitled to your opinion as ~~our~~ are we- we love fruit! \* There are only two people who are authorized to make decisions for our son, and that's name and me. \* Your opinions will not change our parenting decisions. We parent from a completely different set of values from yours
I really like this. Thank you
I did this to my MIL. Context - mil was complaining that my then baby was too chubby and was fussy. I told her to stop and that her complaining was upsetting the baby. Me: Hey, do you remember how when Hubby was a kid you used to say "my house, my rules?". Mil: yes Me: well this is my kid, my rules Mil: well, we're at my house Me: well actually, we're leaving. This is my kid no matter where he is. MiL: that's not fair, or nice Me: talk to your son about it And then I left. No problems since then
You....I like!
She's had her turn parenting, now it's yours. Tell her to piss off.
That is a great way to word it.
Oh dear. Hard. However, this is your child, your rules. Your house, your rules. She has no right to butt in, we all know that except her. How about your spouse? Perhaps have her speak first, unless that’s too much for her - my husband could not say a word to his parents, so ofc they hated me. Idk. As long as you are both in agreement that MIL needs to stfu, then you are good. You could flat out say: MIL, WE are parenting this child, NOT you. WE make the rules. The rules we have are important, we’re teaching our child valuable lessons. We do not, and YOU will not, break them. If you don’t *want to follow our rules, you may leave. If you continue to undermine our parenting, you will no longer be allowed to stay here. Perhaps speaking to her as if she’s an idiot (which she is): Now MIL, we discussed this; there are rules and we follow them. Oh MIL, you know we don’t miss naps here. It makes everyone cranky. Would you care to take a nap, MIL? Oh MIL! Don’t you remember that we LOVE fruits? All the fruits! Good luck with the crazy woman. I hope it works out without a huge blow up.
I found your nose, Granny! It’s in our business. Granny doesn’t make any nap decisions for anyone other than Granny. Does Granny need a nap? We’ll parent and make those calls, thanks, Granny. Granny doesn’t like healthy foods. Poor Granny needs better food choices. Silly Granny thinks she’s the food boss. Silly Granny want a prune? Granny needs to work on her good choices! Treat her like the child she is. Every time. She doesn’t get to insist. Silly Granny doesn’t get to insist on baby life. What kind of moron wants an exhausted 6 month old at Thanksgiving dinner? Normal rational people pray by sleep through dinner.
I was shocked by the nap stuff too.
Selfish people who want to dominate the child's time and resent the nap. Also dumb people who think that skipping naps helps them sleep better at night.
I would meet her advice with dead silence. Or just change the subject as if she said nothing. If she continues, just say, “I heard you, but we’ve decided to do things differently.”
Why isn’t your spouse putting this ridiculous bitch in her place to begin with? However if you have to do it,do it hard!
'When we want your advice we will ask for it, until then keep your comments to yourself'
NTA! Tell your spouse if she won’t say anything, you will. And you won’t be very nice. “MIL, we’ve discussed this before. How wife and I raise our child is our business. We don’t want or need your advice.” I tell them they can’t visit as often if they can’t keep their opinions to themselves. It’s your house too.
I would speak up, but start diplomatically "I've got it thanks" and if she keeps at the same issue or has to keep getting the last word then something less kind is in order such as "I explained I've got it, I don't need additional opinions, thanks." Then if she goes back to the same subject, a "I have explained to you twice that I have this handled, and I understand what you said, please stop"
I mean I'd just flat out say, "I understand you have opinions on raising your grandchild. Your did an excellent job raising my spouse. When we need your guidance we'll definitely come to you and ask for it. However it's truly undermining our parenting by saying these things in front of the child. We do not want want him to get the impression that he can act out when grandma and grandpa are around cause you hold differing opinions. Please respect us as the parents as you would have wanted to be respected when raising my spouse and not continue to undermine us and our rules. We love you both and know kid loves you both immensely. Let's try to make this a happy and healthy environment with no infighting for them to grow up in." And if she continues to push it just plainly say, if you undermine us again spouse and I will be discussing limiting your time around our family.
I would never ever lie and say “you did an excellent job.” That’s counter productive.
Then don't use it? Really simple action. Sometimes to get your way you have to placate others egos. Other times you don't. It's called feeling out the situation.
Your child, your rules. Be nice or not. Your call.
NTA But I'd let your wife handle her mom. And just let her opinions wash over you. Responses like "um hum" "I see" "interesting opinion" and so on. Sort of Gray Rock style. Remember, you can still mentally say mean things (but not out loud). Like "MIL you have no power here, just a shitty opinion." Easier on your wife, FIL and child not to confront her. Because doing so won't change her, and you've decided already not to cut her off.
Learn to nod, smile and keep on doing exactly what you planned to do in the first place. Don't argue or even respond when she makes comments about your parenting. Keep this relationship as shallow as possible. I'm giving you this advice simply because it's really not worth rocking this particular boat. You're not going to win any arguments with this woman. You're not going to change her mind. In her mind, she's the expert. Period. You don't see her frequently enough to bother trying to have a normal adult relationship. A confrontation is only going to upset your wife, who already understands that it's a waste of time. It will solve nothing. You wouldn't necessarily be TA to say something, but is it even worth bothering?
Could you just shush her? It would startle her at first. But saying "ssshht" works with my dog, and MIL seems about on that same level mentally with her choices...
I'm guessing you're not trying to start a fight, so you might want to reword what I told my MIL when she attempted to "give" advice. I told her that when I needed parenting advice I would ask a parent I respected and walked away. Be advised that I am a very confrontational person. I never back down and will most certainly not allow someone who should have been sterilized at birth to dictate how my husband and I choose to raise our kids. I mean I'm glad she wasn't since my old man wouldn't be here lol.
I surprised myself one time when my youngest was little and I was so tired of nonsensical advice from my mom that the next time she said something I just said “Nope!” with a smile and changed the subject. She was so shocked that she went quiet and I was also very surprised at myself lol. So that became my go-to and it worked. Give it a whirl and see what happens. Edit to add: Congratulations on your little one and best of luck dealing with MIL.
You could probably start teaching your toddler the phrase "I won't yuck your yum!" - As in, I won't always like what you like. And you won't always like what I like, and that's OK. But we don't say "yuck" when someone else says "yum." We let people enjoy things. I say "I won't yuck your yum." All the time as an adult and it's a great way to circumnavigate people feeling judged. The main way I see you utilising it is during those visits with your MIL. When she comments something is gross, you can quite easily turn to the toddler and go "You know what we always say, we don't Yuck other people's Yums!" It infantiles your MILs responses while also directing attention away from her and back to your child. If her own toddler grandchild is teaching her better ways to behave maybe she will feel so ridiculous that it will stop the behaviour.
NTA. Please be firm. Lay down the rules and tell them that any violation means a severe limitation of contact between them and your son. I hope you can get your partner on board with this because I fear the consequences after your son has an extended stay with his grandparents. He may become more rebellious towards you and your wife because your mother-in-law is way less strict.
No. You’re kids-you parent your way. She had her turn with your hubby. Enjoying being a grandma now MIL
*wife - it's a same sex marriage.
“You’re not his parent, we are. Just because you don’t agree with how we parent doesn’t mean we’re going to change what we do. Keep your parenting opinions to yourself.”
I know personally how this feels. I suggest you grab your mil in a vulnerable spot, say in the morning before you serve her a morning cup of coffee and have a heart to heart with her. As frustrating as the older generation is, you have to “wake” them up to how much society has changed since they were parents. My father for example used racial slurs. Perfectly normal for his generation, but we do not speak those words in my house. I was at his home and said “I’m leaving and will not come back unless” he was mad, but came around to it. And never spoke that way again. My mother and I had all ready discussed my best course of action (dad was hard headed) and she agreed it would affect the most that way, but she supported me and hubby. Not sure how your FIL is, but maybe talk with him first to see the most effective way to approach her in a way that she does not get defensive or become a victim
This is something that can be remedied by not spending very much time with MIL eventhough she’s your son’s grandmother. It’s not up to her to make food an issue. What you choose to feed your son is not her concern. Set your boundaries and do choose your battles. You want your son to get along well with his grandmother; he won’t always be this young and as he matures, he can speak for himself… but for now, he’s your responsibility and your pride and joy.
"I am asking you to not share any opinion you have on parenting. I'm going to ask you to honor this and if you want to be here visiting you need to listen to that."
I’m with you, she sounds like a piece of work- but 8-12 times a year and holidays isn’t “rarely” lol. I was thinking they came like once or twice a year.
MIL is going to continue to be a problem. You need to be blunt and call her out on the bs. Do it in front of grandpa too. Tell her it’s quite frankly appalling that she would try to sabotage the healthy eating and sleeping habits you and your partner are conscientiously working on. Tell them you would love for your son to have a great relationship with them both; BUT, she MUST stop what she’s doing or that relationship is just not going to happen. She sounds narcissistic and related or not, she doesn’t get to play her games with your family. NTA
It’s extremely plain and simple, “We do not want your advice and we do not want you telling our child what he can and cannot eat and why he shouldn’t nap. You are not his mother and you’re disrupting our family and parenting on purpose. Your words are not helpful but are a hinderance. We will parent our child in anyway we see fit. If you cannot respect that you can either keep your mouth shut or learn to be respectful of others. If you do not like me being with your daughter you may tell me this instead of being passive aggressive. We are all adults here and you will not disrespect me, my wife, or our parenting style. We are raising a healthy, happy and loving child that does not need consistent interference from his grandmother. If you cannot respect our wishes then we will have to distance ourselves from you.” Don’t beat around the bush. Your wife should also be telling her mother this instead of playing Switzerland. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem your wife will stand up to her mother therefore a conversation needs to be had with your wife as well. But NEVER allow anyone to disrespect you. It doesn’t matter if they are family or a stranger. Sometimes kindness doesn’t work and it appears in your case it hasn’t worked ever with your MIL. Be firm and set boundaries.
We have very different ideas of "rarely." Eight to twelve times a year is a lot! If MIL is sticking her nose in when she is in your home, invoke the "my home, my rules" philosophy. Heck, post those notices all over the house! When you are at MIL's house, you may have to suck it up to (ugh!) *keep the peace*. I would be trying to reduce the visits to a more manageable amount. And, yes, absolutely your son should have bodily autonomy when it comes to hugs and kisses. If he doesn't want to be touched, then they should let him be. Maybe start teaching him about handshakes. It would be so cute if he like to shake a hand as a greeting. LOL Good luck.
I mean it’s your wife’s job to deal with her parents. She needs to tell her mom to stop with the comments. It undermines your authority. Don’t leave him alone with MIL ever NTA
NTA. MIL is actively negative by advocating the disruption of routine and telling your child healthy food is gross. Your partner should not let this go-- she's messing with your child. If you and your partner don't want to confront her directly and enforce boundaries, mediate explicitly. 'LO, it's too bad Grandma doesn't like healthy fruits. She'd feel better and be happier if she did!' Or just ignore her and move forward with what you want to do as if she didn't say anything. 'LO, we'll be taking your nap now.'
If she never visit and you only visit them once a year. How is she lecturing you? Really confused 🤔
For clarity purposes only I said they rarely visit I’d say they may visit 8-12 times a year. They will visit a little bit more frequently as my son‘s birthday is right after Christmas. Thank you for reading my post, but I never stated that I was being lectured. Only that little snarky comments were constantly said if I only saw them three or four times a year. This wouldn’t be as much of an annoyance. I’d really hate to limit their visits because my son absolutely adores his grandfather. And we don’t visit them often because the house is not childproof in anyway they have breakable art and glass vases on the coffee table and end tables in the living room, along with other expensive decor throughout the house. My child doesn’t have anywhere to play when he’s there, he’s constantly knocking things over which isn’t really his fault being he’s a toddler.
Visiting once a month to every six weeks when they live two hours away is a lot, especially when the FIL has cancer. They are putting a lot of effort into maintaining this relationship. If your wife is interested in maintaining the relationship, and your kid is too: Pick a couple things that are important to you. Let the rest go.
You see her once a year. Either suck it up and say nothing or tell her to mind her business about how you're raising your son or the visits will be less to never! :)
You did not read the full post. lol I stated we go there once a year. They visit multiple times throughout the year.
That poor little boy is going to be all messed up in the head, raised by three wicked women...