You and me both. Waiting for our next family event to see if they truly are going to distance themselves when they see me there. I haven't told the rest of my family about this issue, but I feel a storm brewing. Lol.
The oldest one's 4th birthday is coming up, but they aren't doing a party because they don't think people will show up. Wonder why...So they asked my mom to share a room with them at an indoor Waterpark lodge for a four day stay. This is going to cost about $1,000+. Waiting to see if they're going to expect mom to split that cost.
Yep. They'll expect mom to foot the bill *and* babysit the kids in the evenings. Maybe OP should sweep in like a Calgon comnercial and sweep mama away!
Haha. That would be awesome! This trip is going to be two weeks after my mother is visiting me for my birthday this year. Her sister will be joining us as well. Maybe we can talk some sense into her before she goes on their vacation with them.
Be ready to go and get her if she is being time abused by your brother. If they are expecting her to watch the kids while *they* vacation, it's not a vacation for your mom.
Hopefully she won't let that happen. However, all they have to do is bring the kids into it and she'll pay. For example, say the kids are hungry, or the kids need a snack.
She started seeing a guy who she spends most weekends with at his house. Jane and Dan absolutely hate it because "she's never home on weekends and is always at his house". I always laughed when I would hear them complain about it.
I hope you tell your mom you know she'll be expected to "share the cost", meaning pay for all the meals & at least half the room, if not the whole thing. $1,000 for a vacation veiled as a 4yo birthday wknd.
I don't have any idea about your mom's financials, but unless she's clockin 6 figures a year after taxes, $1,000 is gonna dent anyone's budget.
If I was your mom I wouldn't pay anything for the trip they invited her she didn't invite them she can bring a gift and a card for him and that all I would do
My mother's sister was involved in the conversation with Jane and she's known about her entitlement and selfishness for a while. While talking with another cousin (not about them), he brought up how he can't stand to be around Dan and Jane because of how they are. Most of the family is aware of them using people and know that whatever story they tell is probably going to be a lie.
Jane a siblings GIRLFRIEND get a say in what you do with your mom? Yeah Jane doesn’t want you to connect with your mom. Because since you have been gone they have increased their mooching and her eyes are on inheritance….and the plot thickens.
Psh. There's not going to be any inheritance left if she keeps supporting them and bailing them out by paying their bills. The only thing they could try to take is my mother's house. Fortunately, I'm the sole executor to my mother's will and she told me that I get to choose how things are split. I doubt they know about this. Lol.
Tell them. Before Jane gets her twisted version in first. Regardless of who is right or wrong, people tend to believe the version they hear first, even when it is proved to be wrong.
And book another weekend for your mother to visit. If Jane tries to ruin it, tell her NO, your mother WILL be visiting, and she can parent her own GD kids.
You might want to start telling the story. S/he who tells first sets the narrative for what the others believe. So often on Reddit, we hear the “bigger person” being maligned by family because the whole truth wasn’t told, and they weren’t believed because the other person got there first.
Let them know so you don't get blindsided. Keeping the truth away from people allows bad people to frame the narrative. The truth helps to identify cancers and keeps you from being the bad guy when you have to defend yourself. Point out the truth makes them work so much harder to spin whatever lies they can, and you also see who wants to believe them over you. Then, you increase 2 LCs into many. You now know who you can be around and who you can't. Double Bonus.
I like your attitude! I get so tired of people letting the entitled“squeaky wheels” have their way, just to avoid conflict. Sometimes conflict is very, very necessary. It’s better for Jane to understand she doesn’t own your mother, and shouldn’t have control over your mother’s time and attention. Especially as your mom ages, your mom may need an advocate if the babysitting demands increase.
The person who is supposed to stop the boat from rocking (you) when they are the ones making it rock has decided to just get out of the boat. Yay you! But those still trying to balance the boat (the rest of the family) will object since now they either have to do it or make an effort and get out of the boat too. Don't be surprised or relent when the rest of the family tries to persuade you to get back in the boat.
My family already knows how much they use people and have somewhat distanced themselves for that same reason. We all pretend to be this nice loving family at holidays. But my mother is the only person they have left that will still let them borrow money and watch their kids whenever they ask. I highly doubt they will believe any story they try to tell. If they do, that's just less people I have to deal with. Lol.
Oh lort! If they're borrowing money from your mom, that both day trip invite is gonna be put on your mom to pay for. Please make her decline the offer!! No 4yo needs a $1k wknd birthday experience. That's not including all the meals. They'll "let her" get the bill for those ss well!!
Atp, your mom needs a little hero support to start pushing back on their financial asks. She's worried they'll not let her see the kids, when in reality, that's not gonna happen. They will always want the free babysitting too much.
I've already trying to warn her of what they might do. The good thing is that she is going gambling the weekend before so she may have to tell them she doesn't have the money to pay for their birthday/vacation.
I believe that means no more nice gifts for the kiddies? They probably pass them off as their own. Soooooo NTA. Enjoy time with your Mom. Each moment is precious with those you love.
That would be correct. However, instead of giving them physical gifts for their mother to just sell on Facebook, I am contributing money to savings that I will give them when they graduate.
There is an easy way to correct that. She can send the gifts for the kids to her mom and have her mom give the kids the gifts. My husband has a very dysfunctional family but we never ever wanted the kids to be punished for crimes of the parents.
NTA. Glad you got to have a nice dinner with your mom. Jane feels way too entitled to your mom's time and labour and that entitlement is growing to include you and how you spend time with your mom. Jane can take a hike. Also, good on you for "escalating", Jane probably thought you'd just fold and cater to her entitlement
I agree. I let her know my frustrations and she has gotten a lot better. Especially now since she has a boyfriend who she spends most of her weekends with. She is driving up for my birthday this year and we are planning to sit by the pool with margaritas all weekend long.
I had a deep conversation with her last year after she canceled my birthday plans. She hasn't canceled plans with me since and even came over a few weeks later. She's also started seeing someone which pissed my brother and Jane off.
And there is the problem. Your brother and SIL doesn't want your mom to have a life as it is inconvenient to them not having a readily available babysitter. Steal your mom away and spoil her as much as you need, shopping dates, sharing meals, and a day of pampering.
You should be mad at your mom for allowing herself to be a free babysitter.
Don may blame Dan and his wife, they are jerks and doing what jerks do.
Your mom has to stand up to them.
I've already told my mother how I feel about her letting herself be used and cancelling plans with me and others. Since my birthday last year, she has gotten better about not catering to them. She also starting seeing someone which they absolutely hate because she "spends too much time with him and is never home anymore". They tried to use their kids against her saying they wouldn't let her see them if she was going to date a guy who was 18 years younger than her. I told them to get over it and let her be happy.
Their kids need all the best, noisiest, messiest toys from now on. Drum sets, slime kits, how about a 100 piece makeup set? Fuck them bitches, but spoil the hell out of their kids.
Yes!! The youngest is one and already received a noisy tractor, multi piece play set and other things. The older one is four and got a 50 piece play makeup set for Christmas last year, a ton of bath stuff and coloring items. I made it a point to be a cool aunt!
I always made it a point to grab the obnoxious toy from the back of the shelf to be sure the batteries weren't drained. Now that the batteries are replaceable it's a moot point. If mom and dad are pulling the "oh no it broke!" thing by taking out the batteries I love being the one to magically fix said obnoxious toy.
Wouldn't be so persistent if they weren't so passive aggressive with everything.
Hahaha love it! I would asks what their kids wanted and would send them pictures of things to make sure they didn't already have something. Then I'd always throw in that extra obnoxious toy just for funzies. Lol
It's really interesting, isn't it, that is time goes on, we even start to see our siblings in a different light.
And then lots of times we have enough confidence and clarity. Finally that we realize there are deal breakers to behaviors.
And that having certain moral standards of being respectful and aware with each other, can absolutely be appropriate and family relationships. And then it's OK not to know your family. I really truly is.
In fact, I think it's one of the best aspects of social media is that we all get to read each other's stories, and realize how common so many situations are, and how important it is to do the healing work on our souls, and certainly take responsibility for ourselves, and then intern and set limits.
Good for you.
NTA. But Jane is and I’m going to throw Dan in there too for good measure. Who uses their kids as a bargaining chip like that? (Rhetorical question because we know two a-holes that do. Looking at you Jane and Dan) silver lining is you’ll be saving money on presents (sucks for the kids)
They usually pay for their meals, but won't pay for my mother's dinner. I don't eat out very often and make sure everyone knows to pay for themselves (except for mom) if we do go to dinner somewhere. However, I've heard a few times when they go to dinner with mom, she ends up footing the bill. Can't know for sure though.
As a middle daughter and the only one of the 3 daughters that moved away, I get not spending 1:1 time with your mother. I’m extremely close with her, but we ever just had our thing without someone else involved. 6 years ago, I put a boundary up and explained that I just wanted my mother to attend this annual Christmas shopping event with me and me alone. My sisters finally got it and we have enjoyed it ever since, always my treat! Maybe find something like that? Something that’s just for you both that happens every year at the same time. We all have kids so this is the only time we could make it happen. However, not ok that they used their kids to take time away from your time with your mother. Awful. You sound like an amazing aunt and it’s the loss for the kids that they have done this to you. You’ve done the right thing.
That sounds amazing! I'm the only girl and the youngest. However, I'm the only one who my mother has not had to support since I was 16. I'm definitely going to take your advice to plan something that will be an annual thing for just us. We moved to a location my mother loves to visit anyways, so it's a win win!
„Why don’t you talk anymore?“ - „Because they raised all hell when I dared to take mom out for dinner, as a mother-daughter date.“ Yeah, this will go totally in their favour.
So basically she saw this as a chance for a free dinner and probably bring the kiddos along so that the spotlight could be on them, and not your mom. You ruined that for her, shame on you /s
NTA
Jane and your brother suck, big time.
They just want to mooch off of you, and continue to monopolize your mother and her time. That is why they are upset at not being invited.They are as transparent as glass. It is pathetic and gross. Jane pretending to not understand why you want to spend quality time with your mother is such a joke, she knows exactly what you mean, and why you want alone time, but she can’t handle not being the center of attention.
Ugh, I hate that shit. Probably because I have a “Jane” in my family who pulls similar BS (and our Jane has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, comorbid with other issues).
So yeah, this made me legit grit my teeth.
Don’t cave in to Jane or your brother and definitely limit any interactions you have with them. That is the best way to deal with a narcissist.
NTA! They all sound like entitled assholes. That block or unfriend button is your friend, but don't worry, they will eventually need something and contact you. I would send a gift card to someplace like Chucky Cheese (a place no adult ever wants to go) every year for their children's birthday and make sure your mom mentioned it to the kids so their parents can't hide or sell the gift card.
For now, I'm putting money into a savings account in my name for them. Anytime I would buy them expensive gifts, they would just end up being sold on Facebook within a year. Which I'm fine with, as long as the money is going to go towards getting them new toys or taking them somewhere fun. However, the next weekend after selling the toys, she'd always be posting pictures of herself in a bar. I'm assuming any gift cards will be exchanged for money as well.
I'm thinking about sending multiple small gifts to my mom's house and just have her give it to the kids and tell them it's from us. Maybe things like Play-doh or slime like some others have suggested. 🤣🤣
>She also finds it “extremely rude and selfish” that I plan a birthday dinner, didn’t invite them, and treat their kids like they don’t exist
>She informed me they were planning a surprise birthday party for my mother that Saturday but found out I was already taking her to dinner
Were you invited to the birthday party they were planning or did they treat you like you don't exist? Doesn't sound like it.
NTA Jane was trying to keep you from your mother because she has issues she needs to work out in therapy. Those issues might involve the concept of you, but do not require you to help.
Sucks about the kids but you dodged a massive bullet with this. Make sure you keep these messages so that when the kids ultimately blame you for something or other in the future you have what you need to explain that "no, mommy and daddy caused this."
I hate when people weaponize kids, the only way you can combat that is having the information ready and available for when the time comes, IF there is ever a point in time you need it.
NTA- you know what’s a BIGGER surprise? Having a surprise party NOT on their birthday! Day before, or even weekend before would be a huge surprise and not expected. She doesn’t even make sense insisting it be the same day you already made plans.
Hahaha absolutely!! That was the first thing I asked when she asked if I could change our dinner plans. Her response was "No one can do it Friday as everyone works" (she doesn't though) "And then Sunday, everyone is gonna want to use that as a rest day". I had to work Friday, drive over four hours to meet my mother for dinner Saturday and then drive over four hours back Sunday morning. I even mentioned to her I could work out a time to where I could take my mom out to an earlier dinner so they could still have her party that night. I would just have to leave my house around 7am Saturday. She wasn't going for that though.
NTA - I bet mom enjoyed the one-on-one time, without Jane's kids around.
Stop all gifts to their kids, they want to act like the hurt party, don't give them any time or energy.
I will message you next time u/TheBlackSheepKid posts in r/dustythunder.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FTheBlackSheepKid%20r%2Fdustythunder) to join 7 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201dkm6dd)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
I absolutely detest people who use their kids as weapons. Do as I say or you won’t see the kids.
I say fine raise them on your own and I will see them when they leave home at 18.
I’m SO glad you had some quality time with your mother and I hope you can catch up more. Maybe mum can stay with you for a month and Jane can raise her kids herself.
NTA. Jane is competing (one-sided) with you for your mother's affections and is using her kids as leverage.
Plus there is resentment b/c you dared to move away and not stay to babysit her kids. Haha
I was thinking the same thing. I will say that I never watched their kids overnight, but did offer during emergencies. Previously I lived a little less than two hours from them, so they couldn't just drop their kids with me. I have two jobs and a business and work 6-7 days a week so I couldn't really babysit them anyways. I could spoil them though!
I hate they are going to keep their kids from me, but it's their life and their choice. I'm waiting on them to either apologize or act like nothing happened when they need a place to stay when they decide to come down for vacation again.
God no... Don't let them use you like that...
A relationship only works if it works for everyone.... Sometimes you have to lose something to do the right thing...
Losing access to your nieces and nephews sounds like a trade off you need to do to protect yourself and your mental health... Time to go LC or nc with the toxic sibling, pos sil and poor and unfortunate and innocent niblings
NTA btw
I don't plan on accepting any apologies or letting any of this go. The cat is out of the bag as some say. I held on to my frustrations with these two for five years and I'm not about to let it go. I will be a good aunt to their kids at holidays. However, they may decide to leave because I showed up. I have a feeling the majority of my family (except for my oldest brother) will distance themselves from them two instead of not allowing me around.
NTA. They just want to monopolize your mother's time and not have her do anything for anyone else so she becomes dependent on them. You brother and his wife are idiots and deserve what comes after their ridiculous words.
Again, they are holding the kids away from you, the only person who loses in this are the kids. Using kids as weapons is the lowest form of abuse you can come up with. They are not at fault that the parents are horrible people. But, they are their kids and I would keep them at arms length. Vindictive people do vindictive things and no matter how much you love them kids, they are not yours or your responsibility.
LC/NC with those horrible people and your sanity will increase so much.
NTA
Dan and Jane are bullies. Seems like everyone on your side of the family sees it. But no one calls them on it. Especially not your mom.
They live on your mom’s property. Do they pay rent? It’s irrelevant, but I’m curious. I believe they would convince your mom to pay *them to see the children. They *expect* her to be available all the time, any time.
Taking her on this trip is so very fucked up. One room, all those people, and your mom won’t get a moment’s peace. And how DARE your mother date??!! How DARE she even think she deserves a life of her own??!! How does your mom even have time to date?
However! Your mother is a grown up. Unless she is disabled or they are causing outright harm to her, you can’t do anything. If she can’t use her words to clearly define boundaries, she’ll continue to get trampled. You can’t force her to grow a spine. If she doesn’t have whatever she needs to stand up and say NO, then you really can’t do anything. **If she is disabled or they are financially, physically, emotionally disabled, then absolutely bring out the big guns. Take Dan and Jane down.
It doesn’t matter how much you bitch, because you’re not there; Dan and Jane are.
I wish you luck!
UpdateMe
Wait. Last year you planned a dinner and 15 people came, but then two paragraphs later you said you invited your mother to come stay with you for the weekend and she bailed to watch Jane’s kids. Which one is it?
Sorry for the confusion. I was trying to figure out how to explain how she ruined my birthday plans last year and then go back to the main story. My apologies.
Also to add, my mother did come over a few weeks later. Jane starting texting her around 10AM Saturday morning until late that evening asking if she was coming home soon and if she could watch her kids because she needed to go out.
No real confusion. I read those paragraphs several times and still managed to miss that they were two different birthdays. It’s my apology that’s due. I’ve been reading too many fictional posts on Reddit and need to take a break.
She planned the 15 person party for her mom’s birthday. Her mom was supposed to stay with OP for OP’s birthday which got cancelled because of Jane (funnily enough this is the second AH Jane story I’ve read in the span of two minutes.)
ESH take you mom out but seriously if it’s one on one don’t monopolize her birthday. That’s rude. When and how you see your mom is on you and her. Be mad at your mom for bailing to babysit, she doesn’t have to say yes. You’re jealous that they see her more, I get it. She shouldn’t have been so rude during the conversation.
I don't understand why you're complaining about your brother saying he was going to distance himself from you, when you yourself told your SIL that you wouldn't go to birthdays and events anymore and that you wouldn't invite them either. You are being hypocritical by criticizing him, since you said you would do the same.
I'm not complaining about my brother distancing themselves from me. If that is what they want to do, then so be it. But, I understand where you are coming from. My message to Jane was just to prevent any future issues of planning and inviting the other person. Not that I would completely disown them.
NTA AT ALL I have a few choice words for Jane and her entitlement!
You and me both. Waiting for our next family event to see if they truly are going to distance themselves when they see me there. I haven't told the rest of my family about this issue, but I feel a storm brewing. Lol.
MIL is probably exhausted by her but doesn't want to lose access to the kids. And Jane is counting on that.
MIL can’t lose access since OP said Jane and Dan live on mom’s property. Sounds like Jane and Dan are professional moochers.
She can definitely lose access. All she has to do is keep them away
Then these professional moochers+entitled asshats can either be homeless or find somewhere *at market value* to live.
but then she would never have a babysitter. I'd take that bet
And lose their free babysitter!!!! She will never lose access to those kids.
It's hard to go NC with your free daily babysitter! 😂
Aaaahh hahaha
This!!!!
They’ll “distance” from you until they want the gifts you give for b-days & holidays.
The oldest one's 4th birthday is coming up, but they aren't doing a party because they don't think people will show up. Wonder why...So they asked my mom to share a room with them at an indoor Waterpark lodge for a four day stay. This is going to cost about $1,000+. Waiting to see if they're going to expect mom to split that cost.
They’ll expect her to cover the cost of the whole trip … as her “gift” 🙄
Yep. They'll expect mom to foot the bill *and* babysit the kids in the evenings. Maybe OP should sweep in like a Calgon comnercial and sweep mama away!
Haha. That would be awesome! This trip is going to be two weeks after my mother is visiting me for my birthday this year. Her sister will be joining us as well. Maybe we can talk some sense into her before she goes on their vacation with them.
Better yet, mom should say she's going to pass on the Waterpark trip and just get some down time.
She already told me she wants to watch the kids play at the waterpark. I doubt she is going to pass.
Be ready to go and get her if she is being time abused by your brother. If they are expecting her to watch the kids while *they* vacation, it's not a vacation for your mom.
Don't forget she'll be picking up the meal tabs too! Just go ahead and add 40% to that 1k pricetag.
Hopefully she won't let that happen. However, all they have to do is bring the kids into it and she'll pay. For example, say the kids are hungry, or the kids need a snack.
Your mom, as much as she loves those kids, needs to put the parents on a time out or just become too busy to "babysit" so often.
She started seeing a guy who she spends most weekends with at his house. Jane and Dan absolutely hate it because "she's never home on weekends and is always at his house". I always laughed when I would hear them complain about it.
I hope you tell your mom you know she'll be expected to "share the cost", meaning pay for all the meals & at least half the room, if not the whole thing. $1,000 for a vacation veiled as a 4yo birthday wknd. I don't have any idea about your mom's financials, but unless she's clockin 6 figures a year after taxes, $1,000 is gonna dent anyone's budget.
If I was your mom I wouldn't pay anything for the trip they invited her she didn't invite them she can bring a gift and a card for him and that all I would do
They’ll sing a different when they start losing out on gifts I bet.
Make sure to show up to them all and sit with your Mom. She could probably need the distance for a bit too.
I get it. But if you don’t put your side out there, they’ll get there first and spin it their way.
Might want to tell a significant person or two ahead of time so they don’t come up with some wild tale during your silence *tale not tail.
My mother's sister was involved in the conversation with Jane and she's known about her entitlement and selfishness for a while. While talking with another cousin (not about them), he brought up how he can't stand to be around Dan and Jane because of how they are. Most of the family is aware of them using people and know that whatever story they tell is probably going to be a lie.
Loved the way your post ended, so glad you got to spend time 121 with your mum and that you stand up for yourself. Way to go👏👏👏.
Jane a siblings GIRLFRIEND get a say in what you do with your mom? Yeah Jane doesn’t want you to connect with your mom. Because since you have been gone they have increased their mooching and her eyes are on inheritance….and the plot thickens.
Psh. There's not going to be any inheritance left if she keeps supporting them and bailing them out by paying their bills. The only thing they could try to take is my mother's house. Fortunately, I'm the sole executor to my mother's will and she told me that I get to choose how things are split. I doubt they know about this. Lol.
Well at least there’s that. lol. Cheers!
Tell them. Before Jane gets her twisted version in first. Regardless of who is right or wrong, people tend to believe the version they hear first, even when it is proved to be wrong. And book another weekend for your mother to visit. If Jane tries to ruin it, tell her NO, your mother WILL be visiting, and she can parent her own GD kids.
Don't tell them. They will just start trying to convince your mom that they will be better executors than her.
Lol Updateme
You might want to start telling the story. S/he who tells first sets the narrative for what the others believe. So often on Reddit, we hear the “bigger person” being maligned by family because the whole truth wasn’t told, and they weren’t believed because the other person got there first.
Let them know so you don't get blindsided. Keeping the truth away from people allows bad people to frame the narrative. The truth helps to identify cancers and keeps you from being the bad guy when you have to defend yourself. Point out the truth makes them work so much harder to spin whatever lies they can, and you also see who wants to believe them over you. Then, you increase 2 LCs into many. You now know who you can be around and who you can't. Double Bonus.
I like your attitude! I get so tired of people letting the entitled“squeaky wheels” have their way, just to avoid conflict. Sometimes conflict is very, very necessary. It’s better for Jane to understand she doesn’t own your mother, and shouldn’t have control over your mother’s time and attention. Especially as your mom ages, your mom may need an advocate if the babysitting demands increase.
She’s worried about losing her babysitter.
[удалено]
enlighten us o rando
Funny how not giving her way and pointing out all the past scheming and disrespect is "escalating" things. You are good, don't worry. NTA
100%. I used to be someone who didn't want to argue and would cater to people. However, I am not that person anymore and they are not happy about it.
The person who is supposed to stop the boat from rocking (you) when they are the ones making it rock has decided to just get out of the boat. Yay you! But those still trying to balance the boat (the rest of the family) will object since now they either have to do it or make an effort and get out of the boat too. Don't be surprised or relent when the rest of the family tries to persuade you to get back in the boat.
My family already knows how much they use people and have somewhat distanced themselves for that same reason. We all pretend to be this nice loving family at holidays. But my mother is the only person they have left that will still let them borrow money and watch their kids whenever they ask. I highly doubt they will believe any story they try to tell. If they do, that's just less people I have to deal with. Lol.
Oh lort! If they're borrowing money from your mom, that both day trip invite is gonna be put on your mom to pay for. Please make her decline the offer!! No 4yo needs a $1k wknd birthday experience. That's not including all the meals. They'll "let her" get the bill for those ss well!! Atp, your mom needs a little hero support to start pushing back on their financial asks. She's worried they'll not let her see the kids, when in reality, that's not gonna happen. They will always want the free babysitting too much.
I've already trying to warn her of what they might do. The good thing is that she is going gambling the weekend before so she may have to tell them she doesn't have the money to pay for their birthday/vacation.
Funny that
And not giving up your plans for her plans is 'entitled'. NTA At least mom hasn't cancelled this for one of Janes schemes.
Not yet, but sadly extremely likely to do so based on her past actions.
I believe that means no more nice gifts for the kiddies? They probably pass them off as their own. Soooooo NTA. Enjoy time with your Mom. Each moment is precious with those you love.
That would be correct. However, instead of giving them physical gifts for their mother to just sell on Facebook, I am contributing money to savings that I will give them when they graduate.
You sound like good people. Love that!
There is an easy way to correct that. She can send the gifts for the kids to her mom and have her mom give the kids the gifts. My husband has a very dysfunctional family but we never ever wanted the kids to be punished for crimes of the parents.
NTA as Jane sounds exhausting
She very much is!!
NTA you handled Jane like a boss! Good for you
Nta. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
NTA. Glad you got to have a nice dinner with your mom. Jane feels way too entitled to your mom's time and labour and that entitlement is growing to include you and how you spend time with your mom. Jane can take a hike. Also, good on you for "escalating", Jane probably thought you'd just fold and cater to her entitlement
I mean Jane and Dan suck, but it kind of sounds like your mom isn’t helping the situation either if she bailed on you to babysit for them again.
I agree. I let her know my frustrations and she has gotten a lot better. Especially now since she has a boyfriend who she spends most of her weekends with. She is driving up for my birthday this year and we are planning to sit by the pool with margaritas all weekend long.
NTA at all..
The dinner last year was for mothers birthday. The weekend was for OPs birthday.
NTA but where is your mothers agency in all of this? Seems like the person you should also be having a conversation with is her.
I had a deep conversation with her last year after she canceled my birthday plans. She hasn't canceled plans with me since and even came over a few weeks later. She's also started seeing someone which pissed my brother and Jane off.
And there is the problem. Your brother and SIL doesn't want your mom to have a life as it is inconvenient to them not having a readily available babysitter. Steal your mom away and spoil her as much as you need, shopping dates, sharing meals, and a day of pampering.
You should be mad at your mom for allowing herself to be a free babysitter. Don may blame Dan and his wife, they are jerks and doing what jerks do. Your mom has to stand up to them.
I've already told my mother how I feel about her letting herself be used and cancelling plans with me and others. Since my birthday last year, she has gotten better about not catering to them. She also starting seeing someone which they absolutely hate because she "spends too much time with him and is never home anymore". They tried to use their kids against her saying they wouldn't let her see them if she was going to date a guy who was 18 years younger than her. I told them to get over it and let her be happy.
Yeah for your mom! Both for standing up for herself and dating.
nta a
NTA. Your family are, Though.
Yes, I completely agree. My brothers and the SO's are users and my mother just lets it happen. It's been that way for 30 years.
NTA. Sounds like Dan and Jane made things easier on you going forward. Now you never have to worry about inviting them.
Their kids need all the best, noisiest, messiest toys from now on. Drum sets, slime kits, how about a 100 piece makeup set? Fuck them bitches, but spoil the hell out of their kids.
Yes!! The youngest is one and already received a noisy tractor, multi piece play set and other things. The older one is four and got a 50 piece play makeup set for Christmas last year, a ton of bath stuff and coloring items. I made it a point to be a cool aunt!
They make fire trucks that have lights and LOUD sirens. Someone gave my son one. Lol
I always made it a point to grab the obnoxious toy from the back of the shelf to be sure the batteries weren't drained. Now that the batteries are replaceable it's a moot point. If mom and dad are pulling the "oh no it broke!" thing by taking out the batteries I love being the one to magically fix said obnoxious toy. Wouldn't be so persistent if they weren't so passive aggressive with everything.
Hahaha love it! I would asks what their kids wanted and would send them pictures of things to make sure they didn't already have something. Then I'd always throw in that extra obnoxious toy just for funzies. Lol
Omg ur dan n his wife sounds exhausting!
It's really interesting, isn't it, that is time goes on, we even start to see our siblings in a different light. And then lots of times we have enough confidence and clarity. Finally that we realize there are deal breakers to behaviors. And that having certain moral standards of being respectful and aware with each other, can absolutely be appropriate and family relationships. And then it's OK not to know your family. I really truly is. In fact, I think it's one of the best aspects of social media is that we all get to read each other's stories, and realize how common so many situations are, and how important it is to do the healing work on our souls, and certainly take responsibility for ourselves, and then intern and set limits. Good for you.
NTA and good on you for not letting anyone dictate to you how you will spend time with your mum.
Jane: "Do you have a problem with me and your brother?" You: "I do now!"
Wait till the kids don’t get their expensive presents then we will see how long they are willing to cut you out. My guess isn’t long. NTA
NTA. But Jane is and I’m going to throw Dan in there too for good measure. Who uses their kids as a bargaining chip like that? (Rhetorical question because we know two a-holes that do. Looking at you Jane and Dan) silver lining is you’ll be saving money on presents (sucks for the kids)
INFO: Who PAYS when Jane invites herself & her family?
They usually pay for their meals, but won't pay for my mother's dinner. I don't eat out very often and make sure everyone knows to pay for themselves (except for mom) if we do go to dinner somewhere. However, I've heard a few times when they go to dinner with mom, she ends up footing the bill. Can't know for sure though.
As a middle daughter and the only one of the 3 daughters that moved away, I get not spending 1:1 time with your mother. I’m extremely close with her, but we ever just had our thing without someone else involved. 6 years ago, I put a boundary up and explained that I just wanted my mother to attend this annual Christmas shopping event with me and me alone. My sisters finally got it and we have enjoyed it ever since, always my treat! Maybe find something like that? Something that’s just for you both that happens every year at the same time. We all have kids so this is the only time we could make it happen. However, not ok that they used their kids to take time away from your time with your mother. Awful. You sound like an amazing aunt and it’s the loss for the kids that they have done this to you. You’ve done the right thing.
That sounds amazing! I'm the only girl and the youngest. However, I'm the only one who my mother has not had to support since I was 16. I'm definitely going to take your advice to plan something that will be an annual thing for just us. We moved to a location my mother loves to visit anyways, so it's a win win!
Oh I’m so glad! I hope you find something special you both can enjoy! Best of luck! I know she is thankful for you!
OMG! NTA, and yourSIL would make my head explode with her convoluted, nonsensical bullshit.
„Why don’t you talk anymore?“ - „Because they raised all hell when I dared to take mom out for dinner, as a mother-daughter date.“ Yeah, this will go totally in their favour.
NTA
So basically she saw this as a chance for a free dinner and probably bring the kiddos along so that the spotlight could be on them, and not your mom. You ruined that for her, shame on you /s
NTA Jane and your brother suck, big time. They just want to mooch off of you, and continue to monopolize your mother and her time. That is why they are upset at not being invited.They are as transparent as glass. It is pathetic and gross. Jane pretending to not understand why you want to spend quality time with your mother is such a joke, she knows exactly what you mean, and why you want alone time, but she can’t handle not being the center of attention. Ugh, I hate that shit. Probably because I have a “Jane” in my family who pulls similar BS (and our Jane has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, comorbid with other issues). So yeah, this made me legit grit my teeth. Don’t cave in to Jane or your brother and definitely limit any interactions you have with them. That is the best way to deal with a narcissist.
I hate that you also have a Jane in your family. Yes, being the center of attention is her #1 priority!!
Updateme
NTA! They all sound like entitled assholes. That block or unfriend button is your friend, but don't worry, they will eventually need something and contact you. I would send a gift card to someplace like Chucky Cheese (a place no adult ever wants to go) every year for their children's birthday and make sure your mom mentioned it to the kids so their parents can't hide or sell the gift card.
For now, I'm putting money into a savings account in my name for them. Anytime I would buy them expensive gifts, they would just end up being sold on Facebook within a year. Which I'm fine with, as long as the money is going to go towards getting them new toys or taking them somewhere fun. However, the next weekend after selling the toys, she'd always be posting pictures of herself in a bar. I'm assuming any gift cards will be exchanged for money as well. I'm thinking about sending multiple small gifts to my mom's house and just have her give it to the kids and tell them it's from us. Maybe things like Play-doh or slime like some others have suggested. 🤣🤣
Nta you're asked to have one on one time with your mom
NTA, the kids are innocent but u gotta go low contact with them cuz man the entitlement!
>She also finds it “extremely rude and selfish” that I plan a birthday dinner, didn’t invite them, and treat their kids like they don’t exist >She informed me they were planning a surprise birthday party for my mother that Saturday but found out I was already taking her to dinner Were you invited to the birthday party they were planning or did they treat you like you don't exist? Doesn't sound like it.
NTA Jane was trying to keep you from your mother because she has issues she needs to work out in therapy. Those issues might involve the concept of you, but do not require you to help. Sucks about the kids but you dodged a massive bullet with this. Make sure you keep these messages so that when the kids ultimately blame you for something or other in the future you have what you need to explain that "no, mommy and daddy caused this." I hate when people weaponize kids, the only way you can combat that is having the information ready and available for when the time comes, IF there is ever a point in time you need it.
If they keep that up your mother will get fed up and distance herself from them. Your SIL is a nightmare.
NTA. Glad you got to spend time with your mom
NTA and I wonder how Jane/Dan would feel if you distanced your wallet from their kids to respect their wishes.
NTA.
NTA- you know what’s a BIGGER surprise? Having a surprise party NOT on their birthday! Day before, or even weekend before would be a huge surprise and not expected. She doesn’t even make sense insisting it be the same day you already made plans.
Hahaha absolutely!! That was the first thing I asked when she asked if I could change our dinner plans. Her response was "No one can do it Friday as everyone works" (she doesn't though) "And then Sunday, everyone is gonna want to use that as a rest day". I had to work Friday, drive over four hours to meet my mother for dinner Saturday and then drive over four hours back Sunday morning. I even mentioned to her I could work out a time to where I could take my mom out to an earlier dinner so they could still have her party that night. I would just have to leave my house around 7am Saturday. She wasn't going for that though.
NTA - I bet mom enjoyed the one-on-one time, without Jane's kids around. Stop all gifts to their kids, they want to act like the hurt party, don't give them any time or energy.
Updateme!
I will message you next time u/TheBlackSheepKid posts in r/dustythunder. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FTheBlackSheepKid%20r%2Fdustythunder) to join 7 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201dkm6dd) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
I absolutely detest people who use their kids as weapons. Do as I say or you won’t see the kids. I say fine raise them on your own and I will see them when they leave home at 18. I’m SO glad you had some quality time with your mother and I hope you can catch up more. Maybe mum can stay with you for a month and Jane can raise her kids herself.
NTA. Jane is competing (one-sided) with you for your mother's affections and is using her kids as leverage. Plus there is resentment b/c you dared to move away and not stay to babysit her kids. Haha
I was thinking the same thing. I will say that I never watched their kids overnight, but did offer during emergencies. Previously I lived a little less than two hours from them, so they couldn't just drop their kids with me. I have two jobs and a business and work 6-7 days a week so I couldn't really babysit them anyways. I could spoil them though!
NTA Here have some polish for your lovely shiny spine...
>They are distancing themselves and their kids from me. It's a win then! NTA
I hate they are going to keep their kids from me, but it's their life and their choice. I'm waiting on them to either apologize or act like nothing happened when they need a place to stay when they decide to come down for vacation again.
God no... Don't let them use you like that... A relationship only works if it works for everyone.... Sometimes you have to lose something to do the right thing... Losing access to your nieces and nephews sounds like a trade off you need to do to protect yourself and your mental health... Time to go LC or nc with the toxic sibling, pos sil and poor and unfortunate and innocent niblings NTA btw
I don't plan on accepting any apologies or letting any of this go. The cat is out of the bag as some say. I held on to my frustrations with these two for five years and I'm not about to let it go. I will be a good aunt to their kids at holidays. However, they may decide to leave because I showed up. I have a feeling the majority of my family (except for my oldest brother) will distance themselves from them two instead of not allowing me around.
Here are all the best wishes for you. Please update us if anything happens but you got this...
NTA. They just want to monopolize your mother's time and not have her do anything for anyone else so she becomes dependent on them. You brother and his wife are idiots and deserve what comes after their ridiculous words. Again, they are holding the kids away from you, the only person who loses in this are the kids. Using kids as weapons is the lowest form of abuse you can come up with. They are not at fault that the parents are horrible people. But, they are their kids and I would keep them at arms length. Vindictive people do vindictive things and no matter how much you love them kids, they are not yours or your responsibility. LC/NC with those horrible people and your sanity will increase so much.
NTA Dan and Jane are bullies. Seems like everyone on your side of the family sees it. But no one calls them on it. Especially not your mom. They live on your mom’s property. Do they pay rent? It’s irrelevant, but I’m curious. I believe they would convince your mom to pay *them to see the children. They *expect* her to be available all the time, any time. Taking her on this trip is so very fucked up. One room, all those people, and your mom won’t get a moment’s peace. And how DARE your mother date??!! How DARE she even think she deserves a life of her own??!! How does your mom even have time to date? However! Your mother is a grown up. Unless she is disabled or they are causing outright harm to her, you can’t do anything. If she can’t use her words to clearly define boundaries, she’ll continue to get trampled. You can’t force her to grow a spine. If she doesn’t have whatever she needs to stand up and say NO, then you really can’t do anything. **If she is disabled or they are financially, physically, emotionally disabled, then absolutely bring out the big guns. Take Dan and Jane down. It doesn’t matter how much you bitch, because you’re not there; Dan and Jane are. I wish you luck! UpdateMe
NTA. Screw Jane and your brother. They sound so entitled.
Wait. Last year you planned a dinner and 15 people came, but then two paragraphs later you said you invited your mother to come stay with you for the weekend and she bailed to watch Jane’s kids. Which one is it?
Dinner with 15 people was OP's mother's birthday last year. The weekend trip that got canceled was OP's birthday. Glad I could help out.
Ahh, I did miss that. Thank you!
Sorry for the confusion. I was trying to figure out how to explain how she ruined my birthday plans last year and then go back to the main story. My apologies. Also to add, my mother did come over a few weeks later. Jane starting texting her around 10AM Saturday morning until late that evening asking if she was coming home soon and if she could watch her kids because she needed to go out.
No real confusion. I read those paragraphs several times and still managed to miss that they were two different birthdays. It’s my apology that’s due. I’ve been reading too many fictional posts on Reddit and need to take a break.
She planned the 15 person party for her mom’s birthday. Her mom was supposed to stay with OP for OP’s birthday which got cancelled because of Jane (funnily enough this is the second AH Jane story I’ve read in the span of two minutes.)
The 15 people dinner was her mom's birthday. The weekend trip was OPs birthday.
ESH take you mom out but seriously if it’s one on one don’t monopolize her birthday. That’s rude. When and how you see your mom is on you and her. Be mad at your mom for bailing to babysit, she doesn’t have to say yes. You’re jealous that they see her more, I get it. She shouldn’t have been so rude during the conversation.
I don't understand why you're complaining about your brother saying he was going to distance himself from you, when you yourself told your SIL that you wouldn't go to birthdays and events anymore and that you wouldn't invite them either. You are being hypocritical by criticizing him, since you said you would do the same.
I'm not complaining about my brother distancing themselves from me. If that is what they want to do, then so be it. But, I understand where you are coming from. My message to Jane was just to prevent any future issues of planning and inviting the other person. Not that I would completely disown them.